A Day in the Life
by Ada Kensington
Summary: Uchiha Sasuke keeps a diary during his employment at Otogakure Enterprises. Complete and utter crack...
1. Chapter 1

A Day in the Life

September 24th

After a series of prolonged delays and supposed "paperwork related mix-ups" on the part of Konoha-Sunagakure Corp., I have finally assumed my new post at Otogakure Enterprises. Having packed all my essentials in my _three_ large suitcases, each weighing 23kg exactly (Otogakure Enterprises _paid_ for my Club World membership meaning I could take three bags instead of one - which is more than the tight-fisted Konoha mob ever did for me, I might add) I sent the rest ahead on a prior flight to Otogakure. In order to make doubly sure my bags had arrived before I set out, I e-mailed my contact Kabuto, to ask. He replied within the hour and said that my bags had in fact arrived and that they had been transported to my quarters. May I again take the opportunity to stress how glad I am that Otogakure Enterprises head-hunted me?

Anyway, I arrived at the South Base where I'm to be stationed with little incident, other than my three suitcases almost not fitting in the back of Kabuto's intensely impractical two-seater, hard-top convertible - which, incidentally, I am in love with. I told him this and he casually informed me that it was a company car, given to him by Orochimaru-sama. Apparently, if I play my cards right, I could get my hands on one of those babies. This has only served to prove that I have made the right decision in coming here.

No one in Konoha drives executive vehicles. My old boss Kakashi drove an eight year old Ford Focus. It's name was Gretchen. At the last count there were at least seventeen nodding dogs dangerously obscuring the view of approaching traffic in the rear window. The only way to open the front passenger door was to kick it, hard, in just the right place (marked out by the almighty dent in the bodywork). The dashboard was littered with cigarette butts (because he picked up Asuma every morning on the way to work) and the interior smelled strangely musty, despite the proliferation of Magic Trees.

Kabuto's car is perfect in comparison. I am convinced that it is paradise on four, shiny, chrome-rimmed wheels and I am intent on getting one.

When we arrived at the South Base, Kabuto helped me carry my suitcases to my apartment. Everything here is underground! It's quite weird, really, but then I'm getting paid enough now to put up with stuff like that - because I'm going places - so it didn't bother me as much as it normally would've.

After what felt like a million twists and turns, we finally reached my apartment (it's in a big complex where all the employees stay - I have neighbours). Kabuto grinned at me and handed over the keys, saying that if I needed anything, I've just to drop him a line. Then he handed me a _brand new laptop!_ I'm using Word to write this journal entry right now.

I swear, if there is a god, he's smiling down upon me right now. Not only does my room have wireless internet capability, but it has 100Mbps broadband and no download limit! I didn't even know 100Mbps existed! In Konoha, if I wanted to go online, I had to go downstairs to the computer suite. There was never any privacy. Never. There was always someone in there. Either Naruto on MSN chatting to Sakura _who was on the computer next to him_, or Naruto watching moronic flash cartoons, or Naruto playing Solitaire, or Naruto sending a whole load of crummy forwards to everyone on his address book (my name was always at the top of the list), or Naruto illegally downloading music from Limewire and playing it so loudly that everyone could hear it anyway even though he was using headphones.

Come to think of it, it was usually Naruto, but once I got up in the middle of the night and went down to the computer suite, thinking I'd be alone and (I think I might weep just remembering this) I saw Gai doing something... unsavoury. I tried to leave without him noticing me, but I tripped on a loose bit of carpet, sprained my ankle and he looked up (another good thing about Otogakure - the place is immaculate, with no loose carpet to trip on). Through my watery-eyed agony, I stuttered a few shocked apologies and attempted to sprint back up to my room - my only sanctuary from the wallow of filth the communal computer suite had become - but Gai caught hold of me before I got there and swore me to secrecy. I seriously thought about telling people, but Gai had gripped me pretty hard on the arm and his eyes were wide and really scary when he stared me down and forced a promise from me.

Veering away from memories of the seedy underbelly of my stint at Konoha-Sunakagure Corp., I've had a look around my apartment and it's quite nice - well, apart from there being no windows. There're lots of lights, though, so I guess that makes up for it. And they're on dimmer switches, so if all else fails, I can pretend that I can see the days going by - like in the first Resident Evil movie where the Umbrella employees have fake cityscapes on the walls to keep them from going insane in the underground lab. The decor is tasteful, the furnishings equally so, the latest electronic gadgets abound, the fridge is enormous, there are no loose bits of carpet to trip on. My bed is a huge four-poster affair and there is a 50" HD television mounted onto the wall opposite. And that is not all. I have a mammoth digital sound-system on which I can play Depeche Mode at ear-splitting levels if I so choose (I tested it out - it goes up to 100dB) and an Apple iPhone.

Life is good.

Right, I've rambled on for too long. Going to fix myself something to eat and then test out my new _steam shower room!_

September 25th

I fell asleep in the steam shower room. I now look like an enormous bipedal lobster.

To top it all off, one of my neighbours came round to welcome me to the company. I tried to ignore him, but he wouldn't go away. He kept ringing the doorbell over and over. Cringing with embarrassment (though you wouldn't know it - everything is RED!) I opened the door to let him in. The guy just blinked and looked at me and my big red face, then pretended like nothing was wrong. Either that or he thought I normally looked like a crimson something from the briny deeps. He introduced himself as Suigetsu and then headed straight for the kitchen.

I followed him in and found him staring in awe at my amazing kitchen facilities. He was making little enthusiastic, squeaky noises and jigging involuntarily. I asked him whether it was normal for other Otogakure employees to have apartments like this and he gave me a look that said I plainly had been living a sequestered, coddled existence. He explained that employees get apartments according to company rank.

Apparently, there are only four people living on this floor of the complex. Suigetsu is next door to me. He's the HR manager and therefore his apartment is pretty well kitted out. Across from me is a girl called Karin, she's in charge of Sales and Marketing. Suigetsu says I'll probably see her at work on Monday - Orochimaru is calling a meeting to welcome me to the team (why do I suddenly feel nervous?) Next door to her is a guy called Juugo. He's the head of Finance and no one knows much about him. Not even Suigetsu, who said he's been here for years. He also said that Juugo doesn't come out of his apartment much and corresponds only by e-mail.

I said that I thought that was a bit weird. Suigetsu agreed with me and proceeded to raid the fridge to make sandwiches. I didn't call him on it, because I was curious and wanted to know just what I was letting myself in for.

I asked him about Kabuto. Suigetsu snorted and said, "The mighty brown-noser himself stays with Orochimaru." I asked if that was in a gay way and Suigetsu laughed and said, "He wishes." Then he handed me an enormous sandwich and steered me onto the sofa and started gossiping in whispered tones about the sordid office affairs of Otokagure Enterprises (and here was me thinking I'd be away from all that. I am so naive).

Apparently, the guy I was hired to replace (Kimimaro) was in an on-again, off-again relationship with Orochimaru for years until he left suddenly a few months ago. No one knows why - but everyone supposedly has theories. Kabuto, Suigetsu told me, has fancied the boss for even longer and was incredibly jealous of Kimimaro. Suigetsu thinks that when it was "off" with Kimimaro, it was "on" with Kabuto, so to speak.

"And vice versa," I said, with a mouthful of sandwich. Suigetsu just looked at me, confused, for a moment and then nodded. I don't think he knew what vice versa meant.

I told him flat-out that I didn't want to get caught up in office drama. He laughed and gave me another one of those looks that told me, plainly, that I am far too innocent for my own good. Then he said that, in that case, I should keep away from the boss, who has distinct gayish leanings - especially since I am "his type".

I said that it really wasn't an option, since I'm to be his new PA. Suigetsu threw back his head and laughed heartily at this revelation. He actually slapped his knee. I glared at him while waiting for him to shut up, and he eventually got the message, appearing to have the good grace to at least look discomfited. He changed the subject by asking what was in the boxes. I directed him towards the one which contained my incredibly impressive DVD collection and he is now raking through it, dividing them into piles according to the criteria of "Awesome" "Pretty good" "Good" "Average" "Poor" and "Oh Dear God Why?"

September 26th

It is eight o'clock in the evening, and my head feels like it has been punched with a wrinkly, vodka-soaked fist of doom. Suigetsu isn't faring much better. I think he's worse, to be honest, because he still couldn't speak properly by the time he left. I hope he'll be okay for work tomorrow.

After Suigetsu assembled his piles of DVDs, we fought over which of them we were going to watch. We eventually decided on The Fellowship of the Ring, and agreed to take a shot of vodka every time an orc was killed. We ended up paralytic on the floor, having not lasted until the end.

I woke up with Suigetsu's head wedged into my armpit. He was snoring loudly and to make matters worse, the DVD was left on loop the whole night. The combined symphonies of Suigetsu's olfactory acrobatics and the Last Alliance made my brain grate against the edges of my skull. I hit Suigetsu with a cushion and turned off the DVD, but that didn't work. Cursing my stupidity, I got up and downed a pint of water. Then I turned on my laptop. I had the following e-mails.

----

From: "Uchiha Itachi"

Subject: Congratulations!

Hi Sasuke!

Long time no speak, little brother! Kudos on the new job. I knew you'd get out of that dead-end hellhole sooner or later. You are an Uchiha, after all, ha ha!

Otogakure Enterprises will be good for your prospects. I know Oro really well from when he used to work for the Akatsuki Group. He's a very ambitious, intelligent man with a good head for business. You'll do well by him. Who knows? One day, Akatsuki might even hire you!

Keep in touch,

Itachi.

P.S. Kisame's goldfish, Goldie, died the other night there. It was eleven years old, though, so I wasn't at all surprised. Thought you might like to know as a heads-up because he asked if he should e-mail you about coming to the funeral. I told him to go ahead, but that seeing as you've just started at Otogakure Enterprises, it wouldn't look good if you asked Oro for the time off.

----

I always dread opening e-mails from my pompous, over-achieving brother. Everything is always about "prospects", "short-term goals", "business" and "five-year plans". Just because he's fulfilled all his ambitions at the stupid age of twenty doesn't mean he has to poke his goddamn nose into mine. And he is apparently on first names terms with "Oro". Whatever. I suppose the heads-up was handy, though, because I found an e-mail from Kisame next.

----

From: "Get Sharky"

Subject: no subject

Hi Sasuke,

Thought you might like to know that Goldie passed away the other night. As you can probably imagine, I'm really torn up. Want to get the funeral over with as quickly as possible so I can begin to grieve properly. It's next weekend if you can make it.

Kisame.

P.S. I understand if you can't. You've just started with Oro and it wouldn't look good if you asked him for the time off.

----

I e-mailed Kisame back expressing my sympathies but informing him, in diplomatic but no uncertain terms, that I couldn't make the funeral for the reasons he cited. I also let him know that I hoped everything would go well and reassured him that, wherever Goldie was, I'm sure she would be happy.

I also got an e-mail from Naruto. I was surprised to note that it wasn't a forward. Maybe he had taken my death-threats seriously. Curious, I opened it.

----

From: "the best"

Subject: no subject

DUDE! Saskue, am missin gyou alredy. the office is so queit witout u tellin me to shutup, lol. tho on the upside now u are gone i migh thave a chance wit Sakura. She always liked u best dude but u no that. wink wink. we went out for ramen last night and i paid so it wuz almost liek a date, lol, t was good.

Gettin a car soon, been savin up all my monies, so might be able to see u this summer. take some time off & we can go on a road trip or somthin.

see ya round like a record,

N.

----

The thought of being stuck in a stuffy car for any length of time with the loudest, most hyperactive and irritating person I have ever met revolts, though for some reason, the thing that bothered me most was that he was putting the moves on Sakura. Everyone knows Sakura had a crush on me, but that I was far too good for her, and so spurned her advances. But now that I'm gone, she's going after Naruto?! The office goofball?! Hmph. I resolved to forgive Naruto's horrid spelling and punctuation and reply later in order to find out what was going on, as Suigetsu had just woken up. He looked rough.

I asked him if he wanted a glass of water, but he just muttered something obscene and staggered off to his room. He's probably away to bed.

Come to think about it, I should probably do that too. Don't want to be late for my first day. Well, I need to take a shower first (sans steam) because I seem to smell of the distinct, lingering aroma of hobo...


	2. Chapter 2

A Day in the Life

September 27th

Okay, I'm sitting at my new desk outside Orochimaru-sama's office. So much has happened that I don't think I even know where to begin, but I guess the story needs a quick run-through.

Met up with Suigetsu this morning at Starbucks to get a coffee before going in to work. Yes, you heard me correctly. There is a Starbucks. Here. Underground. Apparently Orochimaru is one of the biggest shareholders and he wanted one here for his employees to use, so they did him a favour. Not that I mind that at all, as it meant I could treat myself to a seasonal Cinnamon Latte before the big day.

We arrived fifteen minutes early at 8:45am (inside the place is HUGE - as big as the Konoha HQ of Konoha-Suna Corp.) and took the elevator to the bottom floor. Obviously, it's underground, so everything goes down here.

The meeting was at 9:15am and everyone of consequence was there to welcome me. It was a shade intimidating, I must admit. Kabuto was all smiles and introduced me to everyone I should know. I was introduced to Karin, the head of Sales and Marketing (she's really quite hot, I might have to try my luck later), to Amachi (the head of IT), to Gen'yumaru (the head of Purchasing) and to Suigetsu, even though we've already had a disgraceful, drunken night in front of the TV together. We pretended we'd never met and shook hands.

Kabuto, it turns out, is the head of R&D, but he's been temporarily filling the position of Orochimaru's PA.

That is where it all began to get complicated.

About halfway through the meeting, Orochimaru himself came in. He stopped and surveyed me for a prolonged moment, looking me up and down. I felt incredibly awkward. Then he smiled, thankfully broke eye contact, and announced to the world at large that I was going to fill Kimimaro's position.

I swear not a nanosecond went by before Kabuto began to protest in a veiled, passive-aggressive manner, saying that he wasn't sure whether I'd be ready, that I hadn't been trained yet, didn't know how the company worked etc. Obviously, Suigetsu was right and Kabuto really was hung up on the boss and would not tolerate competition (ugh - did I just even think of myself that way?) Orochimaru asked me what I thought. Naturally, I was royally pissed off that Kabuto was trying to steal my job (nothing to do with getting in with the boss) so I said that I was fine starting right now and that I was sure I could handle the pressure. Orochimaru nodded and said, "Well that's settled then."

He motioned me to follow him out of the room and I swear I could feel Kabuto's jealous death glares because the back of my neck was tingling. It's my personal, sure-fire indicator of such things.

I've been here for just under two hours and already I'm caught up in office drama...

LATER: I received an e-mail from Juugo from Accounts welcoming me to the company. Never saw him at the meeting today. I guess Suigetsu was telling the truth about him, too. I've been invited to dinner at Gen'yumaru's. Apparently, he's a really good cook. I'm just relieved I won't have to eat microwaveable chilli and rice for the third night in a row.

September 28th

Went up one floor to Gen'yumaru's apartment last night and had dinner. Dear sweet Jesus, my taste buds have never been so titillated.

Karin had said he was a good cook, but when I tried his Thai monkfish curry I had to stifle a potentially loud and indecent moan of pleasure. It was seriously that good. Must go to Gen'yumaru's for dinner more often.

The topic of conversation at the table was Kabuto and how utterly hilarious it was today at the meeting that he didn't even know I was replacing Kimimaro. Amachi, apparently, heard him bitching at the water cooler to one of his underlings. What an utter wanker.

October 1st

I have not written an entry for a few days. This is because my life is slowly beginning to revolve around Orochimaru.

I have been his PA for just under a week now and this is what my days consist of:

1. I pick up his morning order from Starbucks and have it in his office by 8:50am. He usually has either peppermint tea or green tea, this depending on his mood.

2. While he has his tea, I collect his mail bag from upstairs. I sort through the mail and shred the junk while he checks his e-mails.

3. He usually has a meeting at 9:40am and I have to attend. The ones with the R&D department are particularly excruciating, mainly because of Kabuto trying to undermine me at every turn.

4. After whatever meeting I've been to, Orochimaru lets me have a quick break. I usually pop along to the Senior Staff Members' Room and have a chat with Suigetsu, Karin, Amachi and Gen'yumaru. Juugo sometimes turns up via MSN. He's seems quite nice - if a little odd. Suigetsu is always there. I don't think he actually does any work.

5. Break over, I sit at my desk and stop people interrupting Orochimaru while he's dealing with his appointments. Kisame came by the other day to speak to him. I hope this doesn't involve going to a certain funeral. Surely he must be over it by now?

6. When Orochimaru is finished, I bring him another cup of tea. Again peppermint or green, depending on his mood. Then I take his order for lunch. When I've organised that, I go back up to his office to type the letters he dictates. He has taken to standing a little too close to me while I do this.

7. Lunch, equating to the comparative freedom of the Staff Room. Gen'yumaru sometimes brings in leftovers and we help ourselves. Score on that front!

8. After lunch, I sit out at my desk, finally getting a chance to check my e-mails and play Solitaire because Orochimaru always take a long lunch. When he comes back, he stares at me for awhile and makes small-talk before going into his office.

9. What he does for the rest of the day, I don't know. But whenever he has an afternoon meeting, I have to go with him.

This trailing around after him has become a rather unnerving, recurring pattern. I feel like I'm constantly around him. The only break I get is when I go back to my apartment. Then I can mess around on MSN, reply to e-mails, look up random articles on Wikipedia, or go round to Gen'yumaru's with Suigetsu, Karin and Amachi for food and wine (mostly wine, I'll have to admit).

But that always seems to fly by and then I'm back spending most of next day with the boss. Oddly enough, Orochimaru doesn't seem too much. You'd think he'd be sick of me by now. Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part...

October 2nd

Orochimaru told me that he's going to Goldie's funeral tomorrow. (What. The. Fuck?)

I have to go with him apparently. He's having his funeral kimono dry-cleaned and I have to pick it up later. I asked him who else was going and he looked at me funny and went back into his office.

I think it might just be the two of us.

Oh dear god...

October 3rd

Goldie's funeral was a paragon of the absurd. Kisame, clearly, has more money than sense.

He had commissioned a miniature casket, made of solid oak trimmed with gold in which his beloved fish would be laid to rest. There were wreathes of white roses - one particularly large and ornate that spelled "GLODIE" (the florist appears to have been dyslexic) and he had hired out a crematorium specially for the occasion.

Everyone looked spectacularly bored. Well, except Orochimaru, who appeared quite amused by the whole affair and even volunteered to say a few words. Kisame tearfully accepted and guided him on to the podium. It was extraordinarily cruel of him, but I couldn't help but smile. Halfway through his eloquent but insincere speech, he caught my eye and winked. I looked away and pretended to be interested in the cars parked outside the crematorium.

Itachi was there too, and he, like Orochimaru, made an insincere speech. It was his job mostly to stand next to Kisame and give him the odd pat on the shoulder while saying "There, there," in a detached manner. All of the other Akatsuki Group higher-ups were there. Deidara was there (and fidgeting the whole time), Sasori too (looking incredibly bored), Zetsu (being surly as usual), Hidan (likewise looking bored), Kakuzu (he was actually painting his nails!!), the blue-haired chick (can never remember her name) and Tobi (the new guy).

When the coffin was lowered and the curtains drew closed, Kisame openly wept into my brother's shoulder. It was a gross display of idiocy. I said this to Orochimaru and he smiled conspiratorially at me. I think he agreed with me.

After the service was over, we went back to the Akatsuki Group HQ to have a few drinks. I say "a few". It was more like drinking the bar dry. Naturally, Itachi did not take part in the proceedings because he is teetotal and a boring prat. He stayed until the end, of course, so he could drive everyone back to their apartments. Hidan didn't either, but that's because he's religious. Weirdo. Orochimaru and I are staying at his town house (it has internet access - I'm using it right now).

Deidara and I were sat at the bar for a large part of the night, doing shots. He kept twitching and getting up to go to the bathroom. I think he has a cocaine habit. I'll have to reserve judgement until I have proof, though. A little while later, Orochimaru came to join us. Deidara started flirting with him outrageously, touching him on the shoulder and tittering obsequiously every time he said something witty.

To my horror, Orochimaru was responding! I mean, not that I'm ungrateful to Deidara or anything, but he's supposed to be going after me! Why have a vapid, airhead blonde when you can have an Uchiha? Of course, that is not an option. He cannot have an Uchiha, but I'm disappointed in his settling for second best.

To top it all off, Deidara came back with us in Itachi's Bentley! I was sat in the front with Itachi and I could hear them doing indecent, drunken things in the back seat. It was all I could do to keep from looking. Itachi seemed to be working along the lines of pretending nothing was wrong. Everyone is so morally bankrupt these days, it makes me sick...

LATER: Oh my god... I will never ever recover from this. This was so much worse than the Gai Incident. So much worse. I went down to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water and They Were There. On the table.

I don't think I'll be able to look Orochimaru in the eye from now on. Or Deidara...

October 5th

Back at my apartment. Walked in to find Suigetsu and Amachi playing Dance Dance Revolution in front of the TV. Didn't stop to wonder how they managed to break in because I was so relieved to be back. I joined them and ended up winning.

They asked me how I got on with being stuck with the boss for two days. They were definitely after sordid gossip. I told them about the funeral, about the after-funeral shenanigans, then the Deidara incident and they cackled with glee. Yeah, it was funny to them. They don't have to work with the boss 24-7, with the image of his nakedness forever etched upon their scarred minds.

When I woke up the morning after the Deidara Incident, I resolved to stay in my room for as long as possible, only leaving when it was time to go back to Otogakure.

I had a half a rolled-up bag of peanuts from the bar last night and internet access - everything I needed to sustain me.

At about 4:34 in the afternoon, there was a knock on the door. It was a rather pretty young lady - a member of Orochimaru's house staff - asking if I was alright. I rolled out my ready made excuse, that I had a really bad hangover and I couldn't possibly show my face in front of the boss in such a state. She bought it and presumably went away to tell Orochimaru, because five minutes later, she returned with a tray of food and two asprin.

She was quite pretty, so I asked her to come in for a bit. Her name, it turned out, was Kagero. Naruto had e-mailed me a list of funny videos on YouTube and we sat and watched them on my computer for a while. I turned on the Uchiha charm and was pleased to see that I haven't lost it. I managed to get some lip action and her number before she had to get back to work and I had to leave for Otogakure and suffer the drive back with Orochimaru and his chauffeur.

I felt a bit better after that, though. I might even call her later if I feel so inclined.

October 12th

Nothing at all interesting has happened this week apart from me beating Amachi at Tekken 5 with Yoshimitsu. He didn't speak to me for a while. Apparently, he never loses.

Orochimaru has been a little funny with me, though. Does he know that I know about the Deidara Incident?

Kabuto's vindictiveness has reached new levels. He actually tried to trip me up on the way in to work this morning and pretended it was an accident. I spilled my coffee over my new shirt and had to run back to change and I ended up being late. I'm not standing for this any longer. I'm going to get him back for that one...

October 14th

I've just found an e-mail from Orochimaru in my inbox asking me to come over to his office whenever I have the time. Translated, this means: right away or you will be fired before you can say 'unfair'.

I'd better go.

I hope it's not anything bad...


	3. Chapter 3

A Day in the Life

October 15th

Turns out he didn't know about the Deidara thing, but had his suspicions.

He sat me down in front of his intimidatingly large desk and poured me a cup of green tea (that was a good sign - green tea is his good mood tea). He then asked me whether I was enjoying my time here at Otogakure Enterprises.

Trying not to let the fear show, I let him know that I _was_ enjoying my time here (which is true, actually) and that my colleagues, for the most part, had been very welcoming.

Orochimaru is far too sharp, and he instantly picked up on my careless slip: "for the most part". He asked if there was anyone I wasn't getting along with. I denied it, but he kept staring at me with scepticism in his eyes until I caved. I don't know whether I've mentioned this before, but Orochimaru has intensely creepy eyes. They're yellow and look distinctly snakelike. I think he wears contacts. I told him about Kabuto and said that I thought he was jealous of me because I got the job he wanted.

Orochimaru smiled wryly and said that that was about right. He admitted that he would have given Kabuto the PA position, if he weren't such a valuable asset in the R&D department, which is, of course, pretty much the heart of the company. However, he also admitted that he was very glad he had made the decision to hire me because I am a very efficient, hardworking, intelligent and ambitious young man with a good head on my shoulders who will undoubtedly go far. He also said - and get this - that he believes I have _more potential than Itachi!!_

Seems like he's got the measure of me.

He also said that, because of my quality, he would be very disappointed to have to let me go.

My heart leapt into my mouth for a moment and I seriously thought he was going to sack me and send me packing back to Konoha. I started stuttering and asking him what the problem was, and whether I could do anything to fix it because I loved this job and would do anything to keep it (which is sort of true - the pay and accommodation is good enough to balance out the drama).

Orochimaru then appeared to look surprised and said that he was NOT going to fire me, but that he thought I was ready to hand in my notice. Trying not to show that I was shaking with relief, I asked him why he thought that. He leaned back in his big chair and started ticking off reasons on his fingers, saying that that ever since Goldie's funeral, I had been off with him, trying to avoid him, cutting conversations short, finding excuses not to be around him.

This was quite true. He had caught me hiding behind the cheese plant near the photocopiers earlier in the week. I'd pretended I was looking for a lost contact lens and he looked at me funny and said he didn't realise I wore contacts because he didn't remember sight being a problem when he had Kabuto run medical background checks on me. Shamefaced, I said nothing and trailed after him to his morning meeting with Karin and Sales & Marketing.

There was a ponderous, excruciating silence in which Orochimaru looked pensive and I no doubt looked as though I was ready to top myself out of embarrassment. Then he leaned forward a bit and looked me right in the eye and asked outright if it was because I had seen him with Deidara.

I didn't know where to look and I sort of spluttered out that, yes, I had seen him with Deidara and that I felt a bit uncomfortable about it afterwards. He fell silent again for a moment before explaining to me calmly that he and Deidara had had a brief liaison while he was working for the Akatsuki Group. He told me that it was just sex - and irregular sex at that - nothing more, and that if it was bothering me, he would call a halt to the whole arrangement.

I said that it wasn't bothering me, and that he could have sex with whomever he liked, it was just that I felt it quite awkward speaking to him afterwards (I wisely neglected to mention that I also considered it unprofessional conduct). He looked oddly disappointed at that and said that he understood. It was, after all, "part of my innocent charm".

I didn't tell him about Kagero, but I took the compliment and indicated that I wanted to leave via the excuse that I had lots of work to do. He nodded and waved me out, but before I left, he said that he was throwing a surprise party next week at his town house in Konoha for his friend Jiraiya's 50th, and that if I wanted to come, I was more than welcome.

Strangely, the thought of seeing Naruto and everyone again was quite appealing, so I said I would go. He seemed to cheer up at that.

And that was the highlight of my day. No more avoiding the boss from now on.

We're about to have a drunken DDR tournament. I think Suigetsu and Amachi have become addicted to it. Karin is here and so is Gen'yumaru (he brought homemade brownies). They invited the twins Sakon and Ukon from accounts and Tayuya, Jirobou and Kidomaru from Purchasing. They seem like pretty cool people. I just hope it doesn't get out of hand...

October 16th

It got out of hand. Way out of hand. I'm just glad it wasn't in my apartment, is all I can say.

Amachi is scrubbing red wine sick off the walls. Suigetsu was sick and he somehow managed to spray it _up_ the walls, so much so that a stepladder was required to get every last bit. If it wasn't so disgusting, I'd say that it was quite a spectacular achievement.

Tayuya is not what I expected. She's a fiery, foul-mouthed, hard-drinking, hard-smoking, hard-living girl with far too much attitude. At about half four in the morning (why do sordid things always happen to me at half four in the morning?) she cornered me squarely and asked "if I wanted a fuck." I was really quite drunk at this point and was therefore open to suggestion. I said that I wouldn't mind and so she dragged me off to bed and had her way with me.

I couldn't remember much of it, to be honest, but somewhere along the line we must've been joined by the twins because I woke up with them on either side of me.

This place has corrupted me, I swear...

Now I have a terrible hangover, offset by terrible guilt, and I'm trying not to catch Orochimaru's eye because if I do, he'll somehow scan the contents of my alcohol-soaked mind with his creepy, intense eyes and then sack me for being such a filth-monger.

LATER: I think I'll be okay about the Tayuya and the twins thing. Suigetsu told me she sleeps with anything that moves and that she's not the clingy type. She even went for Karin a few months back. It's just par for the course.

I saw Tayuya passing in the corridor and she just grinned at me and winked. I felt dirty, yes, but no longer guilty.

I am now convinced that this place has corrupted me.

October 18th

Kabuto has managed to get quite cosy with the boss. At the morning meeting today with R&D he was sitting next to him and kept touching him inappropriately. I sustained a passive-aggressive campaign of frowning throughout the whole proceedings in order to show my displeasure, but no one seemed to notice.

October 19th

I had the following e-mails in my inbox today, all from people from Konoha:

----

From: "Hatake Kakashi"

Subject: Shhh! It's a secret!

Hi Sasuke!

Long time no see. We've just been told about the big birthday bash Orochimaru is holding for Jiraiya. I seriously think it's going to be the biggest blowout ever! Everyone's going to be there! The guys from your end, guys from our end (obviously) and some of the Suna crowd (I know Gaara, Temari and Kankuro are coming).

Can't wait for the weekend! Hope I'll see you there, dude!

Kakashi.

----

----

From: "the best"

Subject: PARTAYYYYYYYYYYY!!! PARTY PARTYPARTY PARYT PARTEEEEEE!!!

DUDE!!! u boss is throwin a major blowout for jiriya ths weekend and its going to be the bes tparty ever, i can't tell u how much i'm looking forwar dto this i'm so excited heeeeeeeeehehehehe i think a bit of pee escaped there! lol. not really i'm just kidding but not about bbein excited because i am totally.

will u be there, dude? you can't be workin all the time thats totally boring!

see ya round like a record,

N.

----

----

From: "cherry blossom"

Subject: no subject

Hi Sasuke!

Tsunade has just told us about the big surprise party your boss is throwing for Jiraiya. That's awfully thoughtful of him, I must say. I hope you'll be coming, too. I haven't seen you for so long.

Take care, and hopefully I'll see you soon!

Sakura.

xxx

----

I replied to all of them and said I was most definitely going to be there. Orochimaru owns the only five star hotel in Konoha and he's booked out two floors for us to use, so there's no problem accommodation-wise. There are two huge penthouses on the very top floor. Orochimaru is in one and I am in the other! Kabuto has been relegated to one of the suites in the floor below! Ha ha! Guess who is the most valued employee now? I bet he's furious...

October 20th

It's the day the day we leave for the party and I have just seen a whole new side to Orochimaru.

He is absolutely terrifying.

Someone screwed up in accounts and it must've been pretty serious because he got a phone call and while the person on the other end of the line was speaking, his jaw went rigid and then he hung up. He snapped his fingers at me and told me to drop what I was doing and come with him. I didn't dare do otherwise. I think the rage had taken over by that point and to disobey would've been suicide.

He strode down to accounts and kicked the door open with a bang, making everyone jump. Then he stormed over to Sakon and Ukon (who were almost clinging to one another, terrified) and went totally ape-shit.

I swear he screamed at them for half an hour. I couldn't even make out what he was saying, but I think everyone got the gist of it. By the end, the twins were actually crying. It was quite pitiful to watch.

Then, still fuming, Orochimaru whirled round and pointed a finger at me. My heart stopped for a moment, but he just snapped "With me, Sasuke. Now." He swept off out of the room at a cracking pace and headed out of the building towards the South Base apartment complex. I was a shade terrified by this time, and I plucked up the courage to ask him where he was going. He replied in a dangerously calm tone that he was going to have a word with Juugo.

After enduring one of the most painful elevator rides I've suffered for a long time, we reached our floor and Orochimaru strode up to Juugo's door and started hammering on it.

Eventually, the door cracked upon a little and I could see a frightened pair of eyes peeking out through it. Orochimaru pushed his way in, though, and I saw Juugo for the first time. He's older than Suigetsu, Karin, Gen'yumaru and I, but younger than Amachi. He's got spiky hair and is quite tall too, taller than Orochimaru, but it didn't seem like that. Orochimaru had already backed him into a corner and was screaming obscenities at him. His snakey pupils had dilated and everything. I think at that point he was seriously unhinged. Juugo looked like he wanted to end it all. He kept saying over and over, pleading, that he'd fix everything before Orochimaru went away to the party. I just stood there and stared fixedly at the ground, trying to be inconspicuous.

Orochimaru said that, yes, he would fix it before the party because he would be going. Juugo's face went pale and he started moaning that he couldn't, he just couldn't, but Orochimaru just smiled a nasty smile and said that it would be just punishment for his incompetence.

He turned on his heel and walked out, but before he left, he called out over his shoulder, "I expect to see you promptly in the lobby at 9:20 tomorrow morning, Juugo - otherwise you will lose your job."

Then he stormed off and I was left standing there awkwardly in the hall of Juugo's apartment watching Juugo have a panic attack and having no idea what to do. I just sort of stood there, grinning inanely for a while before I decided on a plan of action. I ran across the hall to my apartment, made a cup of green tea and ran back to take it to Juugo. He was still there, hugging his knees and gently rocking back and forth. I sat down on the floor next to him and handed him the cup of tea. He stared at me for a moment and then took the tea, muttering something that sounded a bit like "thanks."

Juugo, it turns out, suffers from severe agoraphobia. Normally, this would really set him back in the job department, but he's a really good accountant - he was headhunted from Suna before they underwent the merger with Kohona - and Orochimaru was willing to pander to his disability because he could just work from home and communicate with his underlings by e-mail. Sometimes, though, he finds it difficult to keep tabs on everything when he can't talk to people - the only person he was comfortable with, apparently, was Kimimaro - and he occasionally makes the odd mistake because of it. This one was apparently a whopper.

I asked him if he wanted me to stick around for a bit, but he sniffed and said no, but thanked me for the offer. I said goodbye and told him not to worry and that we'd look after him.

What a day.

I'd better get packing. Not much time left until tomorrow.

If Orochimaru is still in a foul mood in the morning, then this party is going to be on the wrong side of hellish...

* * *

AN: Thanks for the reviews, Pentatonikk and Sakonster. They're muchly appreciated. Big hugs for you both! 


	4. Chapter 4

A Day in the Life

October 16th

Not a good start to the day. I've slept in because I had to calm Juugo.

I woke up in the middle of the night and I could hear this strange plaintive howling noise. I put on my bathrobe and peeked my head round the front door. It was coming from Juugo's apartment. I went over and knocked on the door.

"It's Sasuke," I said. "Are you okay?"

He said that, no, he wasn't.

I asked him if he wanted help packing or anything and the door opened with a creak. His voice came whispering from the shadows, telling me to come in. It was quite creepy. Creepiness notwithstanding, however, I went in and I ended up spending the rest of the night helping him pack and calming him down.

I only got to bed a few hours ago. Hence the fact that I've slept in and don't have time to have a shower and a decent breakfast. I grabbed a piece of toast while I checked my e-mails and just as I finished it, I sneezed on the plate and sprayed toast crumbs all over my keyboard.

This is not going to be a good day.

I had the following e-mail from Naruto:

----

From: "the best"

Subject: guess what?

i have big news to tell u dude when u get to konoha. cant wait to tell u i'm bursting with excitement.

see ya round like a record (in a coupla hours, lol)

N.

----

I am now extremely concerned. Either this has something to do with Sakura, or it's something to do with his job prospects. We corporate employees lead simple, uncomplicated lives, after all (if only that were true!) I'm not sure whether I want to know.

Better get going. Don't want to be late. I promised I'd meet Juugo and look after him until we get to the airport.

LATER: I drove Juugo to the airport in my shiny, new company car. It's a black Mercedes SLK hardtop convertible (and it's newer and better than Kabuto's). When we got there, Suigetsu and the others were already there. Karin asked who the guy was I was with. I told them it was Juugo and they all gaped and stared at him for a good few minutes. Juugo started twitching and I wisely steered him off to the Club members' lounge for a cup of tea and a sit down.

I spent fifteen minutes haring about the airport looking for Orochimaru before Kabuto informed me, with more than necessary smugness, that Orochimaru had decided to go on ahead to Konoha on his private jet. Alone.

Inwardly, I cursed Kabuto and his big, smug face and then checked in my and Juugo's cases. Then I dragged Juugo from the Club World lounge. He was hiding under the buffet table, and it took me twenty minutes to find him. As a result, we were both running extremely late for our flight.

A mad dash to the gate followed. The flight attendant looking after the gate looked at us with disdain in her eyes and told us that 'everyone was waiting for us'. I gave her my 'I'm a big, important corporate employee' sneer and said that, unfortunately, the delay had been necessary, but that I thanked her for her patience. Patience my arse.

So now I'm here on the flight to Konoha. I'm allowed to use my laptop because I'm a big shot, unlike the cattle flying back in economy. We all have seats to ourselves and there's this little canopy that closes over you at the press of a button. It's fantastic. Though it means that instead of just looking over to see whether Juugo's okay, I have to go knock on the canopy and check on him. And it's about that time again. I'm just glad that this isn't a long-haul flight.

LATER: Everyone's checked into the hotel. The place is truly spectacular: all polished marble and solid gold, crystal chandeliers. It's a real health hazard.

Orochimaru has locked himself away in his penthouse. Apparently, he went off on one down in the lobby and stormed up to his room. I haven't seen or spoken to him all day. Either he is a genuine psychopath or just possesses a penchant for melodrama - I can't decide which.

Juugo is safely tucked away in his room and is enjoying the internet access. He's getting to work on fixing the mix-up. Maybe if he sets things straight now, Orochimaru will be at least bearable by tomorrow night. Here's hoping.

October 17th

My arm is in plaster. Broken.

I didn't have much to do yesterday, what with the boss being in a raging mood, so I phoned Naruto and said I'd meet him at Ichiraku Ramen at 2:00pm. At 2:17pm, Naruto arrived - in a rather spectacular manner.

When he saw me sitting there, he yelled "SASUKEEEEEEEEEE!! SASUKE!! OH MY GOD, GUYS, HE'S HEEEEEEEEEERE!!" and lunged at me, toppling me over. I landed on my arm, hard, and I swear I heard it crack. I think Naruto did, too, because his face went pale. Then, seeing him go pale, I went pale, and horrendous waves of pain started shooting up my arm. I think I was cursing and shouting incoherently by that time, so Naruto, Kakashi and Sakura drove me to the hospital where a timely X-ray confirmed that my arm was, indeed, broken.

The medics put my arm in plaster and told me to come back in four weeks' time for a check-up.

I really felt like beating Naruto bloody at that point, but he was incredibly apologetic, and he looked so genuinely morose that when he asked for forgiveness I caved and grunted a grudging acceptance. We went back to Ichiraku Ramen and had lunch. At least I could still eat with one arm down. Naruto started pestering me, begging to sign my plaster cast, and I eventually let him. He wrote his name in big, inch-high letters, then wrote underneath in brackets (Sorry, dude, for breaking your arm). I rolled my eyes.

The cast looked pretty empty after that, so I let Kakashi and Sakura sign it too. Then Teuchi (the stall owner) and Ayame (his daughter) signed it. Ayame put three kisses "xxx" after hers. I winked at her and she blushed. She so wants me.

I invited Naruto, Sakura and Kakashi back to my penthouse and we spent the rest of the afternoon watching the Pay Per View channels. We watched Snakes on a Plane. I will never fly again. I am scared of snakes. Why I ever agreed to watch that I'll never know.

It was then that Naruto told me his big news. Sakura, as it turns out, had similar news to divulge. Apparently, Naruto has been promoted (there's something I never thought I'd have to say) and has been appointed to the position of Jiraiya's PA. He's essentially doing the same job as me. Likewise, Sakura has been appointed to be Tsunade's PA. I smiled through gritted teeth and congratulated them. They seemed to be convinced by my performance, though it was a poor one.

It's so unfair. I can't even gloat about being in a better job than them anymore - even though I still get paid more with Orochimaru.

They left at about half six in the evening to go back to their apartments and get organised for the party. I'll need to get dressed quick. The boss hasn't called for me, but if he does, I'll need to get there sharpish.

Not to mention I'll need to explain the broken arm.

October 18th

So much has happened. I think it's beyond me to process it all just now. I really need to have a think. Things have become even more complicated than they were just a few days ago.

I might write later.

LATER:

Right. I've had time to think about it. I guess it's best to begin at the beginning.

All the guests were assembled in the hotel's enormous banquet room by 7:30pm. The place was spectacularly decorated. Hundreds of covered tables were set out and an army of impeccably dressed and very pretty waitresses were ready to provide silver service. There were ice-sculptures, and more crystal chandeliers, and white roses - Orochimaru had even hired the Konoha Chamber Orchestra to play for the night. They, too, were in formal dress and were arranged, ready to play, upon a stage specially assembled for the occasion. I didn't want to think about how much money Orochimaru must have spent on all this. Though I suppose it's merely a drop in the ocean to him. He's filthy rich.

Orochimaru arrived last with Kabuto in tow, looking rather chic in a plain black kimono and a white nagajuban. He hadn't dragged Juugo down by the hair and he seemed fairly cheerful, which led me to believe that the whole accounts debacle had been resolved. I was to find out later that it had been, but I'll get to that momentarily.

We all had to be quiet when Suigetsu came dashing through and announced that Jiraiya was coming. When the man himself arrived, everyone shouted "SURPRISE!" Jiraiya promptly started laughing and cursing, saying to Naruto (who he'd come with) "Did you know anything about this? You did, didn't you! You bastards... You utter bastards!" Then he noticed the boss and careered towards him, flinging out his arms. The more I think about it, the more I realise that Naruto really is the perfect assistant for him. I felt a sudden charitable urge to protect Orochimaru from sustaining any broken bones.

After Jiraiya had almost asphyxiated the boss through his manic enthusiasm, we were directed to our candle-lit table. A white, silk canopy was erected over it and white rose petals were scattered everywhere. The orchestra started playing. It was all incredibly civilised. So much so that I was rather worried for Naruto. We deferred ordering until Tsunade and Sakura turned up. They did before long, and then we had dinner. Between the fish course and the main, Naruto got excited and managed to spill a carafe of red wine all over the table. Everyone leapt out of their seats to avoid the tidal wave imminent, red, staining embarrassment. Jiraiya roared with laughter as though he'd heard the finest joke ever told. Tsunade, however, rubbed her temple and Orochimaru didn't look impressed.

When the tables were cleared, Orochimaru excused himself and disappeared somewhere, leaving me to play the gracious host. I ended up talking to Jiraiya about my broken arm (another use for it: a conversation-starter). Again, he roared with laughter when he learned that it was Naruto's fault (Naruto scratched his head sheepishly and giggled) and offered to sign it. He did, and then it seemed to start a trend. I was engulfed by people wanting to sign my plaster and buy me drinks.

As of right now, I have the following signatures:

NARUTO  
(sorry dude for breaking your arm).

Sakura  
Do you want me to punch Naruto for you?  
xxx

Kakashi  
LOL!!!  
Kidding. Sucks man.

Teuchi-san  
(get well soon!)

Ayame  
xxx

JIRAIYA THE GREAT

Tsunade  
(get well soon, Sasuke-kun)

SUIGETSU  
(can't believe you broke your arm, Sasuke, you tard)

Karin  
you're a star, Sasuke.  
xxx

Gen'yumaru  
The G-Man says YOU LOSE!!  
j/k, that sucks muchly.  
Get well soon, man.

Amachi  
(Sasuke got PWNED!!)

THE GREEN BEAST

Rock Lee  
(bad luck, man)  
Underneath this one, Naruto has written "FUZZY BROWS".

GAARA  
(get well soon, Sasuke)

Kankuro  
(bad timing, lol)

Temari  
(get well soon, Sasuke)  
xxx

Ino  
Oweee, Sasuke-kun, I hope you'll be okay soon.  
Here's my number 07969 xxx xxx.  
Keep in touch, hun.

Shikamaru  
How troublesome, lol.  
Just kidding. Get well soon, man.

Choji the Awesome  
Ha ha! Pwned by Naruto  
You're his bitch now, dude.

NEJI  
Sucks about the breakage.  
Got to love how you did it, though.  
Spectacular!

SHINO  
Bad luck, Sasuke.  
Get well soon.

ASUMA  
Go out for a smoke.  
It'll make it all better.

TENTEN  
xxx ooo xxx

KING KIBA THE BENEVOLENT  
(This followed by a muddy paw print that I think belongs to Akamaru. I swear he takes that dog everywhere).

Oro  
x

Yes, you might be wondering about that last signature. The reason Orochimaru was the last to sign was because he was the last person to see me at the party. Well... we weren't exactly at the party, but I'll get to that in a minute.

At about midnight, I was feeling quite drunk, as everyone had ended up crashing our table and buying me drinks because I was "an invalid". It was getting quite rowdy - Naruto and Jiraiya were dancing on the table - and I was feeling a bit ill. Maybe mixing the vodka and the painkillers wasn't such a bright idea. I excused myself, saying that I was going out to get some fresh air.

The banquet room opens up at the back onto a huge balcony with an excellent view of Hokage Mountain, so I headed out there to cool down and catch my breath. It was a full moon and the candlelight added to the rather romantic atmosphere (I should have realised this at the time). There were already a few people outside, but I didn't recognise many of them. I spotted the boss leaning against the edge of the balcony, a glass of champagne in hand. Alone. He was gazing out over the moonlit vista of Konoha seeming lost in thought.

He looked quite sad and lonely, so I figured I'd try to cheer him up. He did appear to brighten up when I approached him, and he finally inquired about my arm. I told him about Naruto and he laughed and said that he sounded exactly like Jiraiya. He signed my cast. I was a bit suspicious about the 'x' but I said nothing.

We then got to talking about Jiraiya, and Orochimaru admitted that it wasn't actually his birthday tonight, but that Jiraiya always has the party on the 17th because he gets terribly depressed on his real birthday and won't speak to anyone for days. I asked Orochimaru how he knew Jiraiya and he told me that they graduated from the Academy together. I was genuinely shocked to hear that the boss was almost fifty (he will turn fifty on the 25th). He really doesn't look it. I told him this, and he looked at me funny for a moment before smiling and putting his hand on my shoulder. He suggested that we go for a walk, and I, being drunken and open to suggestion, stupidly complied.

Now I know why Itachi doesn't drink. I bet he never gets himself into such situations...

Anyway, we ended up out in the gardens, sitting on a bench by the pond. The moonlight was reflecting off the water, and fireflies flitted across its gently rippling surface. The air smelled of honeysuckle. It was a perfectly, grossly, sickly sweet scene - like something out of Dawson's Creek, for god's sake. Orochimaru, it turns out though, is quite the intellectual. We discussed a whole range of philosophical topics, including, but not limited to: Is there an afterlife? Does knowledge really equal power? Do souls exist? Are snails sentient beings? If a fat girl falls in the forest, does anyone laugh? That last one was hilarious - I still get the giggles thinking about it. We also touched upon the nature of war, and I think Orochimaru has really altered my perspective on it. At first I was adamant that war is a bad thing. Orochimaru corrected me and said, "What do you mean by 'bad'? Define 'bad', Sasuke-kun."

I said that war kills thousands of innocents - people who are not necessarily involved in the conflict, other than by virtue of being associated, however loosely, with a particular ethnic group or organisation. Casualties could number among those who do not support the war, or those who have been forced into fighting, or those who wish to disassociate themselves from their particular group but who are caged. Very often, those who support the war are brainwashed by their xenophobic, bigoted leaders before ending up dead on the front line. "It's a bad thing," I repeated. "A hideous, insidious, twisted and destructive force, which I feel is terribly old-fashioned."

"It's a destructive force, is it?" Orochimaru said, sipping his sixth glass of champagne and appraising me with a mischievous glint in his snakey eyes. "I believe, rather, that it's very much a constructive force, and that war can be a good thing."

I snorted with derision and disbelief and asked him to explain himself. And he did.

War, he said, is not limited to martial exploits. We are constantly at war with one another as fellow human beings, constantly competing, striving to be the best. Without competition, there would be no need to progress, to advance. We would still be wandering about in deer-skins, holding hands and living in ignorance. War, he said, leads to advancement, and peace, to stagnation.

My mind bogged at this point, and I don't think the champagne was helping matters. Orochimaru sipped his drink and grinned at me.

I told Orochimaru that his idea was rather fantastic and that he had a mind like a corkscrew. He smiled at me and then did something extraordinary. He leaned forward and kissed me.

I pulled away at first to ask him exactly what he thought he was doing. His head tilted quizzically to one side and he said "I thought that was obvious." He asked me whether it bothered me and I replied, "Well, no. Not really." And so he kissed me again. And I kissed him back.

More champagne and more kissing followed before Orochimaru suggested we retire to his penthouse.

I don't really remember what happened after that, but as I woke up next to the boss in bed this morning, both of us entirely naked, I believe I could hazard a guess.

I left him in bed, still sleeping, gathered up my clothes, and dashed back to my room. I'm hoping against hope that he won't remember a thing...

* * *

Thanks to everyone who has left reviews for the story so far. To everyone who hasn't yet, or to everyone who is thinking about it, it'd be really nice to know what you think.

Take care, guys.

Ada K.


	5. Chapter 5

A Day in the Life

October 18th

LATER: An hour went by. Then two hours. Then three. Orochimaru hadn't called, knocked on the door, sent any e-mails - nothing. I felt a little relieved at this point, but I was burning inside with the shame of it all. The gnawing guilt was eating away at me. I had three missed calls from Karin and two texts asking where I had got to and whether I was okay.

Let it be known, Karin, that I was _not_ okay. I WAS BEING BUGGERED SILLY BY THE BOSS IN HIS BIG, FUCKING BED IN HIS BIG, FUCKING PENTHOUSE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!

I'm sorry. I do apologise for that outburst. I'm still feeling a bit weird about the whole situation...

Anyway, I'm straying from my main point. I left Orochimaru's room at about 6:30 in the morning. I started to crack up at about 9:30 - pacing the length of the hotel room floor, fixing myself innumerable cups of strong coffee, tearing at my hair, that sort of thing - and I ended up phoning Naruto. Why I phoned Naruto, I'm not sure. I suppose he _has_ been my friend for ages, and he's the only person I know who's too stupid to judge me and too kind-hearted to make fun. I must have sounded pretty manic on the phone, because he turned up within fifteen minutes with two big boxes of Krispy Kremes. Have I ever mentioned that I love Naruto?

He made me another cup of coffee, steered me onto the sofa, sat me down and asked me what was up. I blurted out the whole sordid tale, telling him about when I met up with Orochimaru in the balcony, then when we went down to the gardens and talked, then the kissing, then the... other nefarious activities. Naruto just sat there and listened, his forehead wrinkling in concentration in that way of his when he has to actually put his mind to a use greater than playing Kurushi on the PS.

His verdict: "Wow, Sasuke. That's rough. Are you gonna eat that Strawberry Glazed one?"

I sighed and relinquished the doughnut. That seemed to open up the mental floodgates, however, because then he asked me something surprisingly deep and meaningful, which I would not have expected from Naruto and did not even think about myself.

He said, spraying crumbs and strawberry glaze everywhere: "So, do you like him?"

I was struck dumb.

I couldn't answer that. I really couldn't. I mean, I thought I was quite fixed on the fact that I wasn't going to give in to his advances, that I would be distant and professional, yet irresistibly charming, and that there was no way in hell that he could have an Uchiha - but it seems rather too late for all that. Alcohol has made it so.

Naruto was grinning at me. My mind and emotions were in turmoil, so I snapped at him for being so insensitive and asked him what the hell he was grinning at. He said that the fact I even had to think about it must mean I like him a little bit.

This prospect of that unwelcome revelation shocked me so much, that I had to go to the minibar and have the rest of the cheap chardonnay Kakashi left unfinished from the day before. While I did this, Naruto set up his PS2 that he'd brought round along with the Krispy Kremes. He brought along his mind-numbing fail-safe - Bishi Bashi Special, and we sat and played that for a blessed half hour in which I didn't have to think about Orochimaru. I could only play the games where you just needed one hand. Bloody Naruto and his grievous-bodily-harm-inducing enthusiasm.

This, however, was before the doorbell rang. I told Naruto to pause the game (I was kicking his arse at the pie-throwing mini-game and I didn't want him cheating) and I went to answer the door, thinking it would be Karin or Suigetsu or someone wanting to know whether I was still alive. I opened the door and I almost fell over and had a heart-attack.

It was Orochimaru, standing there in a long, black, silk robe with an amused, yet predatory smile playing round the corners of his mouth. I soon realised why. He was holding a pair of my underpants in one hand.

"You left in quite the rush this morning, Sasuke-kun," he said calmly. "You forgot these. Is anything wrong?"

In the middle of my embarrassing attempt to stutter out an answer, by which time Orochimaru had snaked his free hand that remained unburdened by underpants around my waist, pulling me towards him, Naruto leaned back and shouted, "Hey, hey hey! Morning, Orochimaru-sama! Want a doughnut? There's LOADS left!"

Orochimaru stiffened and he looked down at me coldly. His eyes said: "Are you doing what I think you're doing?" Now that I look back, I realise why he might have thought that. My hair was still a mess from tumbling out of bed and streaking along the corridor, I hadn't bothered changing out of my robe, I smelled of vodka and champagne, and Naruto looked similarly dishevelled - he had stripped down to his underpants because he always maintains that he can only concentrate fully on computer gaming when he is unhindered by restrictive layers of clothing. It was completely innocent, but then Orochimaru has probably had years of experience of filth-mongering, so I expect his mind could turn anything into innocuous into something seedy.

Furious, he turned to leave and made to shut the door behind him. It was then that I had an epiphany. I really wasn't that keen on him leaving. Maybe... maybe I did actually rather like him. In _that_ way. He's intelligent, he has a really warped sense of humour, he's filthy rich and he has good hair and a nice arse. Even though he is more than three times my age, and even though he is of the male sex, I realised that I was now morally bankrupt enough to let it slide. I'd already had a (probable and drunken) homosexual experience with the twins, after all. I am practically bisexual! I had to take drastic action.

"Errrr... wait!" I said. "Don't go."

Orochimaru turned round and folded his arms, surveying me coolly down his nose. He seemed distinctly disgruntled. Under his stern gaze and this coupled with the realisation that I now had a crush on the boss, my brain suffered something akin to a paper jam. My faculties of eloquence, coherence and charm - my best qualities! - were suppressed, leading me to blurt out, embarrassingly:

"I swear to you I'm not shagging Naruto. It's not what it looks like."

His head tilted to one side and he raised an eyebrow. He wasn't leaping into my arms, but he wasn't leaving, either. So I launched into a breathless, rushed explanation that went something like this:

"I-I-needed-someone-to-talk-to-this-morning-so-I-called-Naruto-and-he-came-round-with-some-doughnuts-and-his-console-and-we-were-just-playing-the-PS-that's-all-nothing-else. Naruto's-in-his-underwear-because-he's-an-idiot-and-says-he-can't-concentrate-and-beat-me-with-all-his-clothes-on-at-the-same-time. He-really-is-an-idiot-and-I'm-going-to-kill-him. I-swear-that's-the-truth-so-so-please-don't-go..."

I sort of trailed off at this point, absolutely mortified. I stared at the ground and shuffled my feet as Orochimaru observed me closely, appearing to be weighing up the truth of my statement.

I almost flinched when I felt him kiss the top of my head a few seconds later.

"I believe you," he said. "But don't let it happen again."

Relief flooded me and I grinned inanely. Orochimaru smiled back. I asked him if he wanted to come in for a bit. He shrugged and said, "Why not."

The three of us ended up sitting in our underwear, drinking and playing Bishi Bashi Special for the rest of the afternoon. Orochimaru didn't know how to play, so Naruto and I gave him the speed-induction course. It's not hard. He ended up getting really good at it, and he even beat me at Uncle Bean. I am the KING at Uncle Bean. I'll have to arrange a re-match at some point, because I simply _cannot_ let that lie.

About an hour later, Naruto got a call from Jiraiya, and had to go pick him up. Apparently, Jiraiya had reached such a state of inebriation last night that he and Kakashi thought it would be a really bright idea to go on a booze cruise. What they forgot to realise in their drunken haze was that nowhere in Konoha sells alcohol after midnight. Therefore, they ended up wandering around town and somehow both managed to get stuck in the same Portaloo.

What Jiraiya actually said was: "Nrrrrrr... Naruto? Thank god. We're stuck in one of the shit-stacks in the Public Park. Could you—? Right. I'll see you soon. Come quick, my head's killing me and I'm choking on the smell of—"

You can probably guess the rest.

So Naruto left (not before giving me an extraordinarily unsubtle wink and a hard nudge in the ribs) and I was alone with the boss. I thought he would have pounced on me as soon as the door clicked shut, but he kept playing the damned Playstation. I think he's addicted to Uncle Bean. Naruto left it with us on loan and we've to give it back tomorrow before we leave.

As I type this, Orochimaru is STILL playing the Playstation. He got bored of Bishi Bashi Special and dug out Resident Evil 2 from Naruto's game bag. I've been watching him play for the past two hours. He's really, really into it in a big way and has hardly paid me any attention. I'm beginning to regret my decision to introduce him to the Way of the Console.

Oh no... wait. He's just paused the game and he's looking at me in a funny way. I think he... Oh. Right. I'd better go.

Will write later.

October 19th

I am so sore.

I have never before been so rigorously tested.

I don't think I can sit down, either...

The flight back is in a couple of hours. Orochimaru left my room not that long ago. He sent out one of his underlings to return Naruto's PS2. Said underling also purchased a PS2 on behalf of Orochimaru and a few games (as recommended by me). If the company folds because the boss won't come out of his apartment because of all the drinking, having sex and playing the PlayStation, then it's entirely my fault.

I am grinning so much, here, you have no idea...

October 20th

I had a truly cringe-worthy on the flight back to Otogakure. Remember that I watched Snakes on a Plane the afternoon before the party? Yes. Well, I was comfortably ensconced in my Club World class seat with the canopy closed over - enjoying a blessed moment of privacy - and I fell asleep and had a horrible, horrible nightmare about snakes. On a plane.

In my sleep, I screamed the place down and was apparently trying to fend off imaginary snakes with some considerable force. The cabin crew (and everyone else) thought I was having some sort of panic attack and they had to get the emergency key to unlock the canopy. When they tried to wake me up, I accidentally punched an air steward in the face and broke his nose. Only after they had managed to physically restrain me did I finally wake up. I had no recollection of the incident whatsoever.

Suigetsu, Amachi and Gen'yumaru, laughed heartily at me and I was thus the butt of all their jokes for the rest of the flight back (and this will still be the case for the rest of the week, no doubt). They weren't particularly sophisticated jokes. Mostly, they were of the 'point and laugh' variety. I was incredibly pissed off, you have no idea. The only thing that stopped me from throwing an Orochimaru-style strop was Karin sticking up for me.

I'm glad that I at least have someone who feels a bit of sympathy for me...

* * *

Thanks for the reviews, Riana1, foreverloved, quertumz and danni quinn. Thanks, too, to everyone else who has left a review so far. I'm like Sasuke: I'm grinning so much right now, I can't tell you. This story is so much fun to write - I even make myself laugh writing it sometimes. 


	6. Chapter 6

A Day in the Life

October 21st

My life has officially gone down the toilet. I have been shat upon from on high and some cold, heartless deity has pulled the plug.

I met Suigetsu at Starbucks on the way to work this morning to get my cup of coffee. They always have the broadsheets out on display on a rack so that customers can pick up a paper when they get their coffee. The usual suspects consist of the important, intellectual newspapers such as the Konoha Times, the Suna Inquirer, the Otogakure Guardian, The Daily Blab (the Rock Village journalists appear to have a sense of humour) and the The Mizu Mirror.

On each and every one of the front pages roared the headline: "VICIOUS AIRLINE ATTACK! CORPORATE BIGSHOT ASSAULTS CABIN CREW!"

And taking up the whole page was the most hideous image of me I have ever had the misfortune to behold with my waking eyes. I was half-emerged from the canopy, my eyes going in different directions, lunging and flailing my working and broken arms wildly. I had clearly just swung for the air steward (Jin, 24, from Konoha) because he was sprawled on the floor in the foetal position, weeping, and there was blood all over my shirt. You could just see Suigetsu's arm in the background, attempting to restrain me - to no avail.

I looked like, for the want of a better term, a smack-head. Or a mindless lunatic. Or a drunken, drugged up corporate employee suffering a serious bout of air rage.

No prizes for guessing what the public at large will believe...

Worse still... Jin, 24, from Konoha, wants to go to court and have me charged with assault!!

I think I must've went into shock because my boiling-hot coffee slid out of my hand, hit the floor and spilled everywhere. Girls in heels leapt out of the way, shrieking. Suigetsu asked what was up, but I didn't answer him because I had already dashed out of Starbucks, headed straight for the office - running down all thirteen flights of stairs because I didn't want to risk bumping into anyone on the way. I slumped down at my desk, a nervous wreck, and turned on the computer to find the following e-mails in my inbox:

----

From: "Itachi Uchiha"

Subject: What exactly do you think you are doing?!

Sasuke,

Turn on your phone. Now. We have to talk.

Itachi.

----

----

From: "the best"

Subject: DUDE!!!

Sasuke are u ok? saw u in the pape rpunching that guy on th plane does Oro kno? jiraiya says he knows a gud laywer so woever happns u'll b ok.

Dont punch any1 else lol,

N.

----

----

From: "Art is a BANG!"

Subject: Oh my god...

Did you just DO that?! Dear sweet Jesus, Sasuke, that was fucking hilarious. Best laugh I've had since Kakuzu pantsed Tobi on stage at the Product of the Year awards, AND I snorted fizzy water up my nose at that one. Painful stuff.

I knew you'd make me proud...

Deidara.

----

And the e-mails were coming in thick and fast. From Kakuzu, Sasori, Sakura, Kakashi, Neji, Shikamaru... I couldn't keep up! I fumbled about in my briefcase for my phone and I finally found it and turned it on in case Itachi was trying to call. I swear not a second went by and it started ringing. Itachi's name and number flashed up on the screen in big, irritating letters, serving only to remind me of my fallibility and Itachi's utter smug perfection. After three rings, I answered. Our conversation went something like this:

Itachi: "Sasuke?"

Me: ...

Itachi: "Sasuke, are you there?"

Me: "Mmm... Yes..."

Itachi: "What the hell did you think you were doing?"

Me: "I was having a nightmare, Itachi, I swear to god. I was fending off snakes. I watched a scary movie the day before about snakes on planes. You _know_ I suffer from RBD.

Itachi: "RB...?"

Me: "For god's sake. Don't you remember? It's a REAL medical problem: Rapid Eye Movement Behaviour Disorder, meaning that I have a rather unnerving tendency to act out any violent dreams. Remember when mum had to take me to the doctor's about it after I chucked you out of bed and screaming at you to "drop the gun, you Suna son-of-a-bitch?"

Itachi: "Ha... oh yes..."

Me: "Exactly. I was trying to fend off the dream snakes and I accidentally punched the guy in the face. It wasn't my fault, Itachi! Itachi?"

Itachi: (the sound of smothered laughter)

Me: "Are you _laughing_?"

Itachi: "N-no. Of course not. Right. Well, we'll need to get this sorted out—"

It was at this point that Orochimaru emerged from his office, clutching at a copy of the Otogakure Guardian. His expression looked stormy.

"Who are you talking to, Sasuke-kun?" he demanded.

I said it was only Itachi. Orochimaru strode over to my desk and snatched the phone out of my hand. He can be so rude and grabby sometimes. "Itachi," he said, "Sasuke-kun will talk to you later." Then he hung up. He sat on my desk and set the paper down in front of me. The roaring headline and the disgraceful, drooling apparition in the full-colour picture appeared, once again, to haunt me.

Orochimaru fixed me with a dangerously patient gaze and said, "Explain."

I told him about everything that happened on the plane and about my sleep disorder. Orochimaru nodded, looking thoughtful (I'm guessing he remembered it from reading my damn medical records. I swear this man probably even knows about the time Naruto and I got detention from Iruka-sensei on the first day of the Academy for whipping off our pants to see who could write their name in pee fastest on the playground. Not one of my finer moments, I must admit).

The boss cheered up a little when I mentioned that I had a real, medical problem and that I had records to prove it. He asked whether I had witnesses of prior RBD "attacks" and I mentioned Itachi and Naruto (I kicked Naruto in the teeth during a camping trip and set fire to the tent because I was running away from a homicidal scarecrow. My mum and dad had to pay for Naruto's dental work. They weren't pleased).

Then he asked about witnesses on the plane. I said that Suigetsu, Karin, Amachi, Juugo and Gen'yumaru were there. Kabuto was there too, now I come to think of it. And the cabin crew, of course. In my opinion, there were _far_ too many witnesses...

Orochimaru continued to look thoughtful and did so for another five minutes in which I sat there and chewed my bottom lip. Then he stood up suddenly and said: "Go home, Sasuke-kun. I'll have everything sorted out by the afternoon."

I started voicing my thanks (just short of falling to my knees and pledging my eternal devotion) but Orochimaru smiled a sly smile and said: "You can repay me later."

And so I am home waiting for news from the boss; hiding from the paparazzi who have now camped out at the entrance to the South Base compound.

What the hell did I do to deserve this?

October 22nd

I have received a summons from the Konoha Sherrif Court to appear before it on charge of assault.

The good thing is, is that I now have two people representing me. Unfortunately, those two people are Maito Gai and Fucking Kabuto.

I'm sorry. I do apologise. "Fucking Kabuto" is not his real name. It's actually Shitface.

Orochimaru came round last night and told me that Kabuto would be representing me in court. Naturally, I objected, but Orochimaru said that Kabuto has a first class law degree from the University of Konoha (as well as one in Biochemistry from the University of Otogakure - I roll my eyes at his qualifications) and has often represented the company in official matters. As this was a matter related to the company, Kabuto had graciously offered to take up my case. What that really means is that Kabuto now has a perfect excuse to keep an eye on me and the boss and make my life a living hell.

Gai was put forward by Jiraiya - just as Naruto mentioned in his e-mail. He, too, has a law degree and is Konoha-Suna Corp's legal monkey. Gai is bringing along Lee, his assistant. They flew out last night and are staying with Orochimaru in his compound so that they can work on my defence with Shitface.

I'm going over to the boss's for the first time tonight. This is because just received a rather odd invite from him via text:

_Sasuke-kun. Get your arse over here right now. I cannot take this anymore. When you get to the gates, buzz and let the concierge know who you are and that I'm expecting you. Oro xxx_

I'd better go. If I keep him waiting he'll throw a hissy-fit.

Will write later.

I wonder what's going on?

October 23rd

Just got back from Orochimaru's. It was all rather hilarious.

When I arrived, apart from being stunned at the sheer decadent extravagance of the boss's house, (there is an _Olympic_-sized swimming pool) Orochimaru was sitting having dinner with Gai and Lee. As soon as he saw me, he practically leapt from his chair and ran towards me.

"Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun," he said with a slightly manic look in his eyes, dragging me by the arm to the table, "I believe you have already met Maito-san and Lee-san?"

Gai and Lee both swivelled round in their identical suits, with their identical haircuts and flashed identical smiles.

"Nice to see you again, Sasuke," they both said, simultaneously.

I had to stifle a laugh. Orochimaru, obviously, had not encountered Gai and Lee before, the wholesome co-founders of Konoha-Suna Corp's Straight-Edge Club. Gai does community work in his spare time and helps out in Youth Centres all over Konoha, trying to teach kids that abstinence is cool. He has over one-hundred members and counting. I don't know how he does it. He doesn't admit it, but I think he's quite religious too, and he doesn't approve of those who swing the other way.

Hence Orochimaru's dilemma. The boss is a vain, self-centred pervert who drinks far too much and spends even more. He's never donated a single yen to charity and if anyone were to so much as suggest to him that he should do voluntary work, he'd tie them to a chair and force-feed them natto with an iron bar. Clearly, they didn't have much to talk about and Kabuto hadn't shown up yet.

The rest of the meal was spent making forced conversation with Gai and Lee. Gai talked endlessly about the Straight-Edge Club: about how he was so lucky to be working with all those fiery and youthful spirits; about how he felt so privileged to have the opportunity to channel that fiery energy into a good cause; about how important it was to set impressionable kids on the right path so that they wouldn't give in to temptation when faced with it later in life. Lee agreed enthusiastically with everything Gai said and Orochimaru sat there looking horrified.

At one point in the one-sided conversation, Orochimaru leaned over to whisper something to me. He forgot himself and tucked a stray hair behind my ear, letting the back of his hand slide over my cheek (he always does that when we're just sitting talking and hanging out). There was the sound of two sets of cutlery being placed down deliberately upon two china plates, followed by two identical, disapproving coughs. Orochimaru turned round to find Gai and Lee staring stonily at him. He excused himself on pretence of going to the bathroom and he never came back.

Luckily, Gai and Lee weren't at all perturbed by the boss's incredible lack of courtesy, and I made up for it by being charming. They seemed to forget the brief moment of sleaze entirely, and both retired to their rooms after dessert. Gai would begin work on the case with Kabuto in the morning, and he assured me that I had nothing to worry about, and that I was in the best of hands.

After that, I went to find Orochimaru, but his house was so huge and labyrinthine that I had to phone him. He told me he was in his study on the fourth floor and that he'd give me directions over the phone. When I got there, he appeared to have been sitting reading a book by the fire before I phoned. He hung up and I went over to sit down next to him. The first thing he said was: "Are they gone?"

I told him that they were. He said, "Good."

Then he pounced on me.

He's such a filth-monger, he really is...

_Hmm... filth-monger, am I, Sasuke-kun? I suppose I can live with that. I would hazard to say that you, too, are quite content to live with my "filth-mongering," considering you're curled up like a contented cat in my bed. Might I suggest that you don't leave your computer on next time?_

_It appears that you write in this little journal of yours everyday (don't worry your pretty head, I haven't read anything else - your secrets are safe) so perhaps you might appreciate the reminder that my birthday is on the 27th. You will be my present. I want champagne and strawberries._

_Oro._

_x_

* * *

Hmmm... it appears I have people to thank again for some lovely reviews. Those would be: danni quinn, foreverloved, Riana1 and ArilianaFireQueen. Thank you again to everyone who has reviewed so far. I really appreciate it, even if this is just a bit of fun for me.

Take care, guys :-)


	7. Chapter 7

A Day in the Life

October 24th

Everything on my laptop - and I mean _everything_ - is now password protected. Courtesy of Amachi, I have installed Advanced Hide Folders software, which means that no one but myself will be able to access any files and folders I have made hidden. The boss _maintained_ that he never read anything else, but Juugo e-mailed everyone (that is the usual suspects: Suigetsu, Karin, Gen'yumaru and Amachi) to inform us that Orochimaru had just donated a rather large sum of money to The Konoha Straight-Edge Club, and was asking if we knew what it was all about because it was rather out of character. Of course, I feigned ignorance. When I asked Orochimaru about it he told me a whopper, saying that he simply found Gai's cause a worthy one, and that I shouldn't be so suspicious all the time.

I wanted to counter with the observation that, perhaps, I was quite within my rights to be suspicious, seeing as he had clearly read my damn journal without my permission - but I didn't, not wishing to stoop to the boss's level. Instead, I took to shredding with a little more enthusiasm than was strictly necessary. It's therapeutic, I swear.

Gai, Kabuto and Lee are still working on the case. My trial is scheduled for November 23rd. I have a meeting with them later on tonight.

October 25th

The meeting went strangely well, though what happened after - not so much.

Kabuto had managed to get a hold of my medical records from Konoha and said that I had the perfect excuse for my rather spectacular actions on the flight back to Otogakure. He had also contacted the hotel and found the records of the Pay Per View movie purchase. Gai had been working on getting a hold of willing witnesses. So far I have Itachi, Naruto, Sakura, Kakashi, Suigetsu, Karin, Gen'yumaru and Amachi. He's still working on Juugo.

Kabuto was being suspiciously civil. He actually wished me luck for the case before willingly leaving me alone with the boss after the meeting ended. In fact, come to think of it, he hasn't been actively participating in his one-man campaign of jealous hatred against me ever since the story got out a few days ago.

Either the boss has had words with him, or he's up to something. As I am a suspicious sort, I'm inclined to believe the latter. Besides, Orochimaru's raging libido would not allow him to irritate his back up. He's building up to something, I can feel it...

Anyway, after my legal monkeys left, Orochimaru pounced once again and he dragged me up to his bedroom. Everything was fine until I spotted a picture of the boss with another guy I didn't know in a frame next to his bed. I decided to interrogate him about this. He attempted to fob me off by giving me a thorough kissing, but I was adamant. I was not to be deterred by any kissing, no matter how technically proficient. He sighed irritatedly and said, "Does it matter, Sasuke-kun?" I said, "Yes."

Eventually, he caved under my constant pestering (I should be head of sales; my negotiating skills are second-to-none) and told me it was Kimimaro.

I had another look at the picture. Kimimaro looked a bit older than me, but not by much. He had long, silvery hair and big blue eyes, and he was smiling at the boss in a way that left me, in no doubt, about how he felt about him. Inside, I sneered. He had the mayu mark on his forehead, so he is obviously a coddled, upper-class twit. My mental sneer became even more pronounced. I also noticed that he was wearing a rather strange-looking obi, if you could call it an obi. It was a huge, lilac rope and it was tied in an upside down bow. It looked really quite odd, and I permitted myself a small snigger at it. Orochimaru heard me and asked what I was laughing at. I said that I thought Kimimaro wasn't a very good dresser and the boss went off on one - _and kicked me out of bed!_

How. Dare. He?! Him and his stupid Kimimaro. If he likes him so much, then why did the guy leave, huh? Answer me that! AND he read my journal, the place where I jot down my deepest, darkest, most intensely _personal_ secrets.

Needless to say, my Uchiha pride refused to let me tolerate further insult. On the way back to my apartment, I took a detour to the office. Equipped with a trusty marker-pen, I found the Staff Photos on display in reception and unlocked the glass case. I wrote "SHAGGER" on Orochimaru's forehead, then closed the case and went home.

Ha! That'll teach him

I am so furious right now...

LATER: Oh my god. What the hell have I done? What the HELL have I DONE?

October 26th

I called in sick today. I am a coward and I am unable to face the consequences of my ill-thought-out actions. I've spent the whole day hiding in my bedroom watching TV. There's no way Orochimaru won't have found out about my spontaneous bout of malicious vandalism.

Even worse, it's the boss's birthday tomorrow...

Well, he's not going to want anything to do with me now, is he? I'll be packing and back in Konoha before the day is out. Though why would _they_ want me? Clearly, trouble is attracted to me like tornadoes to trailer parks.

October 27th

I got a call from the office today. Apparently, Orochimaru wants to see me. This could be for one of two reasons:

1) The SHAGGER incident, and he's called me in to fire me

or;

2) The fact that I've handed in my notice, thus pre-empting any firing.

Yes, I am quitting. This means that at least I'll have more of a chance at getting a job elsewhere than if I were to be unceremoniously dismissed due to unprofessional conduct. I thought about it long and hard last night, and I decided that it would be for the best. Returning to Konoha-Suna Corp. seems likely - at least for now - but maybe the Akatsuki Group will take pity on me and hire me. Deidara and Kisame both like me, and Itachi is my brother (though I wouldn't count on him to cut me any slack). I have contacts.

But then, so does Orochimaru...

I e-mailed the boss this morning to inform him that I was resigning my position at Otogakure enterprises with immediate effect. I thanked him for everything he had done for me and I wished both him and the company well for the future. A cab has been booked to take me to Otogakure airport, as the company car no longer belongs to me. The cab is due in fifteen minutes. I booked the flight online last night. There's no way in hell I'm going to be able to part with the laptop, so I intend to send a cheque footing the bill when everything's died down. I e-mailed Naruto last night to ask if I could stay with him for a while (I haven't told him why yet) and he said that I could stay as long as I like.

Have I ever mentioned that I love Naruto? I think I have, perhaps once, but I really should say it more often.

What's making this whole mess so much worse though, is that I still have that court case to get through. If Konoha-Suna rehire me, then maybe I'll still be able to have Gai and Lee working for me. I don't think Kabuto will be an option any longer. When old Shitface finds out I'm gone, he'll be jumping for joy and back in the PR job. He won't give a toss about whether I get sued or not.

Oh...

Must cut this short. The cab has arrived. Will write when I get to Konoha.

LATER: I have arrived at Naruto's safe and sound, and I'm using the wireless hotspot in the communal computer suite downstairs from his apartment. Tsunade is sitting next to me playing a versus Tetris game with Jiraiya on her DS.

I feel like a fraud. I've been telling everyone that I've just taken some time off and that I've come to visit for a few weeks. When they find out what's really happened, though...

No. I don't want to think about that. I'll have to concentrate on mustering up the courage to ask for my old job back. Ugh. How incredibly embarrassing. I really feel like curling up into a ball and dying right now.

Oh god... What is Itachi going to say?

I feel sick.

LATER: Turns out that Naruto has wireless in his new apartment. Why he didn't tell me this is beyond me. There might have been a chance for me to be a little more secretive about being here, but now that I've been down in the computer suite, everyone and their goddamn gran knows! I told Naruto and Sakura about what happened at Otogakure when Sakura came round to the apartment with pizza, and they made me tea and gave me a hug. I almost cried.

This is possibly the worst week of my life. Ever.

October 28th

I accidentally checked my e-mails this morning. It's a bad habit that I really should try and get out of, especially now, when I have resolutely decided that I do not want to be found by anyone from Otogakure Enterprises.

I had one from Suigetsu asking me if I was okay (he still thinks I'm sick), one from Karin (along the same lines), one spam e-mail informing me that I could increase the girth of my penis up to 50, and five from Orochimaru. I opened the first one from the boss because I couldn't help myself, and then, out of curiosity, I had a look at the rest. I seem to have a knack for opening the door into my life and saying, "Why, hello, problems! Do come in and make yourself at home. Help yourself to anything in the fridge, and if you want to shower, the towels are in the airing cupboard under the stairs!"

I could shoot myself, sometimes, I really could...

The e-mails from the boss said:

----

From: "Orochimaru"

Subject: no subject

I will not accept your resignation, Sasuke-kun. If I have to go to court over this, then so be it. If I have to fight tooth-and-nail to keep you here, then I will. You will not leave my employment until I say so.

I expect to see you in my office tomorrow morning.

Orochimaru.

----

Note that it is no longer "Oro, x". He _must_ be mad with me...

----

From: "Orochimaru"

Subject: You know very well...

Sasuke-kun,

Why aren't you here? You know I will not tolerate such insubordination. I am losing my patience with you.

Five minutes. No longer.

Orochimaru.

----

----

From: "Orochimaru"

Subject: This is your last chance...

I will not play games with you, Sasuke. You will do as I say, or I will take disciplinary action.

Orochimaru.

----

From: "Orochimaru"

Subject: Where are you?

Sasuke-kun, if you have left the compound without informing me and requesting my permission, I shall be less than pleased with you. You are still legally under my employment and such action would constitute a breach of contract.

Orochimaru.

----

----

From: "Orochimaru"

Subject: no subject

I have recovered the details of your flight. I also know when you phoned the cab. You are staying at the house of Uzumaki Naruto, and if you're thinking of trying to get your old job back, then you will be in for a rude awakening. I have still not accepted your resignation, and if Konoha-Suna Corp. have re-hired you, I will take legal action, you may be sure of that.

If I have to drag you back to Otogakure by the hair myself, Sasuke-kun, then so be it.

Orochimaru.

----

I was just about to allow myself a small freak-out over the ominous, concluding line of Orochimaru's last e-mail when someone started hammering on the door of Naruto's apartment.

Now, I knew that terrifying sound. It was the sound of an irate Orochimaru. My suspicions were confirmed when I heard him shouting, "Sasuke! Sasuke-kun, open this fucking door right now!"

Needless to say, a small freak-out was no longer an option and I succumbed to a much larger one in which I sank to my knees and rocked back and forth gently while making sad, worried noises. Naruto must have heard all the banging and shouting in the shower because he came out wearing only a towel and a perplexed expression. He peered through the peephole and then went pale as he realised what was going on.

He said to me, "Holy shit, dude, that's your boss! And— oh jeez, it's the fuzz! Climb out the fire-escape! Go on, now, before they break the damn door down!"

Up until then, I had been lying on Naruto's sofa feeling sorry for myself, so I only had on a pair of black boxers. Naruto, of course, was dripping wet and towel-clad. As Dame Fortune has so far seen it fit to turn my life into a tragedy, it seems she has decided that a little farce wouldn't go amiss. Thus it was that Naruto and I ended up thundering down the fire escape in desperation and streaking down the street. A cacophony of outraged cries and raucous wolf-whistles followed us as we elbowed our way through the market. Naruto was grinning like a man possessed and clearly thought the whole situation quite hilarious. I, on the other hand, wanted nothing more than the ground to open up and swallow me.

This is not only the worst week of my life. It is also my most embarrassing. Can things get any worse? I seriously, seriously doubt it...

We streaked towards Jiraiya's at Naruto's suggestion. That is where I am now. I'm writing an e-mail and sending it to myself so my journal will be up to date. I don't think I'll be able to stomach having to think about this ordeal again, so I might as well get it over with.

Jiraiya roared with laughter when we first arrived, naked, at the door, and he made all the prerequisite thanks-but-no-thanks jokes. Then when he asked why we had turned up at his door in the buff, he was perplexed, and then concerned as Naruto told him we were hiding from Orochimaru. Jiraiya told us to come in and fixed us a cup of tea. While I was sat down in front of his fire in a big, comfortable chair, he asked me what was going on, and within fifteen minutes had managed to get the whole thing out of me - every last sordid drop.

Apparently, he knew something was going on, because Orochimaru had phoned him this morning asking if Jiraiya had seen me because something had come up at work that he needed to talk to me about. Unaware of the situation (because I had told him about ten minutes before that everything was fine and that I had merely taken time off) Jiraiya told him that I was staying at Naruto's and that he'd deliver the message to me later. Naturally, Jiraiya didn't think that it was at all odd that Orochimaru couldn't ask me himself via phone or e-mail. If all the lights were on, he would've realised that and wouldn't have given everything away!

Stupid git...

As we were talking, Jiraiya reminded me that Orochimaru was still my boss and advised that I sort this out sooner rather than later, because if it the situation escalates any further... He sort of trailed off at that point, leaving the unspoken implication hanging in the air like a malevolent fog. It was very dramatic, but it worked because we both knew just how ugly Orochimaru can get when he's riled. I offered to give myself up, as it were, and Jiraiya picked up the phone and called the boss to let him know where I was.

He's coming over in ten minutes.

If he wasn't going to fire me before, I'm sure he's changed his mind by now.

I am doomed.

I wonder if Jiraiya's looking for any temps?

* * *

Oh, Sasuke! He's a poor, little soul, isn't he? Hee hee. 

It seems that I have even more people to thank this time around for nice reviews. I seem to have regulars, which is just brilliant, you have no idea. It makes me smile. - Those on the reviewers' honour roll are: Riana1, Keimei, danni quinn, ArilianaFireQueen, Simple-Minded Idiot, krisis81 and Niver. Thanks so much, guys. They're all really appreciated.

Thanks also go out to fiore777, who has written some cracking essays over on the NarutoFan forums. I got the information on the mayu mark from her essay on Kimimaro. There's also a brilliant one on Orochimaru. Go check them out!

Hope you liked this chapter.

Take care:-)


	8. Chapter 8

A Day in the Life

October 29th

The boss is in jail. Jiraiya has had to raid his bank account to come up with the cash for the bail money because the police wouldn't take plastic. He's counting out the cash right now, and he doesn't look too happy. I don't know why he's so irritated. The boss will pay him back later - and it's not as though neither of them can afford it. Then again, maybe it's because Orochimaru gave him a black eye earlier. The bruise is blooming nicely now. His eye is all red and puffy. I would laugh, but technically it's my fault. Actually, I might just laugh anyway because if he hadn't given me away, this wouldn't have happened in the first place.

Naruto has handed me a cup of coffee from a nearby vending machine. I've just had a sip and it tastes like liquid chipboard. Lovely. Naruto doesn't seem too keen on it either, as he's just screwed up his face and tipped the contents into a nearby plant pot. The plant is looking rather sad and yellow. It's probably been poisoned by all the cups of ground chipboard coffee that have been poured into it.

I suppose I should explain why I'm in the Konoha Police Station waiting room with Naruto and Jiraiya _still_ wearing only my boxers and an old, musty blanket.

Well, to put it concisely, it is because no one - and I mean _no one_ - can kick up a fuss quite like the boss. When he does go off on one, guaranteed, you will know about it. The reasons as to why he ended up in jail, however, requires a more lengthy elucidation.

Okay. Here goes...

About ten minutes after I rounded up my last entry, the doorbell rang and Jiraiya went to answer it. I was still in Jiraiya's house, sitting in front of the fire and shivering with fear in my boxers with the aforementioned musty blanket draped round my shoulders (provided by Jiraiya). Naruto had offered to lend me moral support and he was sitting next to me, looking defiant. He was also shivering, but that was more to do with the fact that Jiraiya had no clothes to fit him, so he was still stuck with the damp towel - though he, too, had a blanket. His was decidedly less musty. It's clear who was the favourite...

I could hear voices out in the hallway. It was Jiraiya talking to the boss, evidently trying to calm him down by making soothing, conciliatory noises. Orochimaru was having none of it, though. He stormed into the room with fire in his eyes, looking incredibly unkempt. His hair was flying all over his face and it seemed that he hadn't even bothered to put on his purple eye make-up. Naruto swallowed and placed his hand on my shoulder as a gesture of solidarity.

That was the wrong thing to do.

It only took a second for Orochimaru's eyes to take in the scene before him, ensuring that he got the wrong end of the stick: Naruto and I both sitting together beside the fire, one of us naked, one of us almost there, with Naruto laying his hand on my shoulder and staring up at him defiantly.

He just stood there for a moment with an odd smile on his face, not looking at either of us. Then, without a word or any sort of gesture to indicate to us what he was about to do, he totally went for Naruto.

It was terrifying. One minute he was on the other side of the room, the next he was dragging Naruto to the floor by the hair and attempting to beat seven shades out of him. The boss was screaming incoherently, though a few rather telling phrases soon revealed to me his motives. Dotted intermittently among left and right hooks, a selection of these choice phrases were:

"Never, _ever_ touch my Sasuke-kun again, you brainless, blonde piece of—"

"He is mine... MINE!! Do you understand?"

"If you go near him again, I swear I'll—"

"— rip your dick off and show it to you!!"

"—beat the living shit out of you, you nasty, little—"

Needless to say, when the boss took it upon himself to smash Naruto's face into a glass cabinet, I stepped in. Taking it at a run, I howled and leapt onto the boss's back. He wasn't expecting it, so I managed to use my weight and momentum against him, toppling him to the floor. He went "oof" when he landed and he rolled around a bit, clutching his chest and gasping for breath. I may have been a little overzealous in restraining him. This gave Naruto time to stagger to his feet and, without thinking, I went over to him to see if he was okay because the cut on his face was bleeding copiously.

Orochimaru gasped from his prostrate position, "So you are with him, then? Why, you lying, deceitful, little— I knew it. I _knew_ it!"

I started yelling at the boss, saying that he had totally misunderstood the whole situation and that I was most definitely not with Naruto. The boss laughed scornfully and said that he wouldn't fall for my lies a second time. I tried my best to explain what had happened, but the boss wouldn't hear of it. My temper started to fray at this point and I called him an idiot, among other more colourful names. Needless to say, Orochimaru didn't take this kindly and he started yelling at me. Then Naruto staggered to his feet and joined in the shouting match, feeling the need to inform Orochimaru that "Sasuke doesn't belong to you, you creep! He belongs to no one but himself!" which did nothing to help and only made the boss's rage meter go off the scale. He snarled and went for Naruto again, but at this point Jiraiya came into the room with a tray and four cups of tea. His jaw dropped and the tray and the tea went crashing to the floor with reckless abandon as he rushed to Naruto's aid.

I stopped him, however, by whirling round and screaming at him to "CALL THE POLICE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!" I must have looked really quite frightening because Jiraiya nodded and sprinted out of the room. Within minutes, he was back with the police, and when he tried to tear Naruto and the boss apart, the boss hissed alarmingly and planted a spectacular left-hook on his right eye. Jiraiya started yelling and cursing and turning the air blue and he ended up going for the boss. As the police told Naruto and I to stand outside while they "neutralised the situation", we didn't get to see the rest of the drama unfolding, but we could hear vague, muffled roars and things being thrown and broken.

A kindly police-woman tended to Naruto's wound and while she did so, I tried to explain to Naruto why Orochimaru assaulted him. At first, I was a little embarrassed, so I used a fair few euphemisms and was rather circumlocutory in my explanation. Naruto, it must be said, however, is not one for subtlety. Instead, I had to resort to no-frills, straightforward and nasty. I said, "Naruto, I think he thought that I'd ran away to have sex with you."

Naruto's brow furrowed in puzzlement.

"But Sasuke..." he said. "Why would I want to have sex with you?"

I sighed. "You don't," I explained patiently. "But Orochimaru doesn't know that. Remember the time in the hotel at Jiraiya's party when he saw the both of us together in my room - he accused me of cheating then, too."

Naruto still looked confused. I stared at him impatiently until realisation dawned.

"Oh!" Naruto said, a huge grin suddenly creeping over his face. "Your boss is jealous of me, right Sasuke?"

It was strange to think of it that way, but yes, that was basically it. I informed Naruto that he was thinking along the right lines and he started giggling hysterically. Personally, I didn't think it was very funny, so I smacked him over the back of the head and the police-woman gave me a warning look that said: "Don't you dare start anything out here." So I didn't, and settled for glaring at Naruto, who was choking trying to hold back a fit of the sniggers.

A few minutes later, Orochimaru emerged and was bundled into the back of a police car, handcuffed. While all of this was happening, I was hiding behind Naruto because I didn't want the boss to see me. We watched Jiraiya receiving a stern telling-off from three policemen before he was free to go. When Jiraiya spotted me, he stormed over towards me and said, pointing to the freshly blooming bruise on his eye, "This is all your fault, Uchiha! You're coming up to the police station with me _right now_ and you're going to tell Oro the truth!"

Still with no proper clothing, (my protests fell upon deaf ears) I ended up speeding towards the police station with Naruto in the back of Jiraiya's BMW. Jiraiya strode purposefully up to reception to arrange the bail and I was shown in to Orochimaru's cell by a smirking police-officer, whom I silenced with the iciest of Uchiha glares I could muster. When he had backed off and left me alone, I suddenly felt a shiver down my spine.

The boss was sitting at the far end of his cell and his face was obscured by darkness. I could tell he was looking at me, though. The hairs on the back of my neck were tingling. It was like Silence of the Lambs, only I was playing the part of Clarice Starling and the boss was Hannibal Lecter. I was half-expecting him to say, "Hello, Clarice..." in an intensely creepy voice, but instead he said, "It's you. What the hell do you want?"

I said, "Maybe now that it's come to this, you'll actually listen to me and believe me when I say that I have not, nor will I ever, like Naruto in _that_ way."

The boss descended into a petulant silence for a moment, before countering with, "If you think I'll fall for that again, Sasuke-kun, then you are sorely, sorely mistaken. Why did I see you running down the street - _away from me_ - with Naruto? Why were _you_ only in your underwear? _Why was he only wearing a towel?_"

The boss was getting agitated again, so I had to explain to him why I ended up in that situation in the first place. Of course, it meant bringing up the cause of the whole debacle: the SHAGGER incident. When I had finished doing what I thought was reminding him about why he was going to fire me originally, to my horror, he looked at me as if I'd gone completely daft and said, "What?"

Feeling slightly faint, I said, "You didn't know that I drew all over your staff photo picture?"

He said, "No."

"So you weren't going to fire me at all?" I asked.

"No, Sasuke-kun," was the boss's impatient reply. "All I remember is ordering you out of my bed, and the next thing I knew you were calling in sick, handing in your notice and leaving Otogakure to stay at the home of an individual with whom I found you romping around in your underwear not long before."

I corrected Orochimaru by informing him that Naruto and I were most definitely not "romping" (who says that nowadays, anyway? The boss definitely showed his age there) and I also stressed that Naruto is a very good friend, who was supporting me during a time of personal crisis.

There was a long, awkward silence in which neither of us spoke. Then the boss looked up and said, bluntly, "You are an imbecile, Sasuke-kun."

Indignant, I countered by pointing out the salient fact that he was the one in jail, not I, therefore I could be considered a great deal less imbecilic.

"You are an imbecile, Sasuke-kun," he said again, glaring at me through the bars with such force that I thought it best just to leave it there.

For a while, I stood looking at the ground, the shame of my stupidity beginning to catch up on me. I think the boss was working along the same lines because neither of us could look each other in the eye. Before I left, I told him that Jiraiya was paying up for his bail and that Naruto wasn't going to press charges. He didn't say anything, so I signalled the prison guard to let me out and I went back out to the waiting room.

October 30th

I am at Jiraiya's. Naruto is here. The boss is, too. He got let off with a caution and when the police had let him go free, Jiraiya drove us all back to his place. It was a bit of a mess. I say "a bit of a mess", when what I really meant was that it looked like someone had dropped a shrapnel bomb in it. As punishment, we had to help clean up. It took us a good couple of hours. After that, Naruto and Orochimaru had a chat. I wasn't privy to the conversation, but it seemed to go well, as both of them emerged from the kitchen looking fairly happy. When that was over and done with, Jiraiya drove Naruto home and I was left alone with the boss.

He had been giving me the silent treatment all evening and it was killing me. I can handle anything except the silent treatment. It drives me crazy. I hate being ignored. Besides, I was ready to just cut my losses, as I was convinced that after the whole jail thing, he would be content never to see my face again. So when we were taking off our rubber gloves at the sink (cleaning - ugh) I apologised for being such an idiot, and asked whether it would be possible to pay for the laptop because I had formed an unnatural attachment to it (this is true - I cannot part with it).

He turned round and looked at me in incredulous disbelief.

"Sasuke-kun," he said, "if you think you're getting away after all the trouble I've went through, then you are labouring under a delusion - one which I will take great pains to dispel."

I asked if that meant I wasn't fired. Orochimaru pinched the bridge of his nose exasperatedly and replied that, yes, I was correct and that "perhaps being around Naruto had dulled the sharpness of my intellect". He then threw his rubber gloves down in that petulant manner of his before announcing that he would be flying back to Otogakure tomorrow morning - with me.

I can't decide whether I am incredibly lucky, or whether this is Orochimaru's sick, twisted way of punishing me for my transgressions.

Maybe it's a bit of both...

October 31st

I am on Orochimaru's private jet on an unchartered flight back to Otogakure. As of now, I am also on a quest to regain my dignity and get back into his good books. He hasn't spoken to me for the duration of the flight, but I know for certain that this won't last long. I know him too well. His raging libido will not allow it.

I'll have to turn on the charm.

LATER: He is not responding to the Uchiha charm. This is unfair and unprecedented. Everyone falls for me eventually, for god's sake, it's not like it's rocket science! He is sitting across from me, his legs curled up on the chair and determinedly reading a book. It appears to be a book on philosophy (I don't want to have to crane my neck to see the title and give myself away by seeming too eager). I might have to ask about it. It's my last resort.

LATER: Hah! Got through to him. I knew that knowledge was his weakness and I casually asked what the book was about. He replied that it was to do with nihilism and nihilistic movements. Since I have never studied philosophy, I subtly slipped in an innocent, "Oh, so what's nihilism?" question while tilting my head to one side and twirling a bit of hair round my finger (it never fails!) The boss couldn't resist and he ended up giving my a quick philosophy lesson, during which he warmed up to me considerably. He explained to me that nihilism is the philosophical position which argues that there is no evidence of a higher creator, and that, therefore, true 'morality' does not exist and secular ethics are impossible. Leading on from that, life can be said to have no truth and no action is preferable to any other. Essentially, according to nihilists, the world is without objective meaning, comprehensible truth, or essential value.

I said, "So basically that means the universe equals shit, so you can do whatever the hell you like?"

Orochimaru smiled (I am _so_ good) and said that, yes, that was a good way of summarising things. I then asked the boss if he subscribed to that philosophy and he replied that he did. "Very much so", in fact. Partly out of genuine curiosity, I inquired as to whether, then, he believed in nothing at all, because it seemed like a massive paradox to me. At this point, he became quite animated and I knew I had him. He loves talking to me. I'm the only person in Otogakure he can have an intelligent conversation with. Well... I suppose there's Kabuto, but he actually talks back. I'm a good listener, and that's what the boss likes. He explained that being a nihilist does not necessarily mean you believe in nothing. Apparently, it's more like liberating oneself from creeds and practices like those of religious or political establishments which are justified by an appeal to supposed "objective values".

"And whose objective values are those who are liberated then to adopt?" I asked casually, leaning towards him slightly and executing my hair twirl of doom. "Those of the nihilists? It's a human compunction to form a collective consciousness."

I'm lying. I have totally studied philosophy. It was one of my favourite classes back at the Academy because I could argue with Iruka-sensei all afternoon if I wanted to - and I frequently did so. It seems that Orochimaru has a fondness for it, too, which can only be a good thing for me.

The boss smiled wryly and told me to be quiet, but not in an irritated way. He was smiling when he said it, which makes me think I've impressed him somehow.

I'll have to execute stage two of my plan...

LATER: I am armed with champagne and strawberries. Let's see him cold-shoulder his way out of this one.

* * *

Oro in jail - can I say lol? I think I can. Just picturing him being bundled into the back of a police car is almost too much...

Once again, you guys have been incredibly charitable and have left lots of lovely reviews. I'd especially like to thank Riana1, foreverloved, qwertumz, Eriisu-chan, danni quinn, Wolfkun, Ayatsuji, Simple-Minded-Idiot and missyserena214. You guys are all awesome. I'd also like to thank anyone who has reviews so far. It's a cool thing to do. I appreciate it.

Take care, guys:-)


	9. Chapter 9

A Day in the Life

November 1st

Thanks to stage two of my diabolically clever plan, I am now officially back in the boss's good books. Needless to say, he could not resist the champagne and strawberries. As soon as we stumbled off the plane (only somewhat inebriated, as I could only find one bottle) he dragged me into his study and... well... the study was the venue, and the big, brown leather sofa and the rug by the fire were the specific places, if you know what I mean. After that, he had the offending, vandalised photograph sent up to his rooms to see exactly what had caused all the drama and he fell about laughing when he saw what I'd done. He said, "How very observant of you, Sasuke-kun" before slipping the picture into a frame which he has now hung up on the wall of his study.

I would gloat, but I haven't exactly got away scot-free. You see, I have managed to contract acute viral nasopharyngitis from running around in the altogether in Konoha. This is otherwise known as the common cold. It started out as a mere tingling sore throat; a mild irritation, rather than something that would seriously cause me grief. It was not long, however, before the tingle evolved into horrendous throbbing throbs of agony. This was accompanied by copious amounts of mucus streaming forth from my poor, besieged nasal passages. Strangely though, for the amount of snot that was running from my nose, a disconcertingly large proportion seemed to want to stay put, resulting in one of the most appalling, non-alcohol-related headaches I have had the misfortune to experience in quite some time.

The boss was uncharacteristically sympathetic (he had one of his house staff bring me some chamomile tea - I don't think he can make tea or anything else himself, seeing as he has an army of underlings to do things for him). This lasted until I sneezed on him. Twice. For about half an hour, he warred with himself between the choices of:

a) letting me out of his sight,

or

b) increasing his chances of catching a horrible cold.

He chose to eliminate option b (the boss will always look out for number one) and I was sent packing back to my flat under orders that I take some tamagozake and some paracetamol before going to bed. This cold may offer an unlooked-for advantage, however, as I now have evidence of sickness to present to my colleagues.

Right. I'm going to bed. If I suffocate during the night, at least you'll know why.

LATER: At exactly midnight, my left nostril unblocked. This is not a good thing, however, as now I am nasally lopsided. My right nostril is completely out of commission. It's grid-locked in there. I have also discovered that breathing through one nostril is not enough to fill one's lungs. Noisy mouth-breathing it is, then. At least no one will be around to hear me if I snore...

November 2nd

I feel like shit, yet because I feel guilty about the past week, I am at work right now. The boss hasn't shown up, though. This is because he has caught my cold. He called me directly at my desk phone to complain, bitch, whine and call me rude names. Our phone conversation went something like this (though you will have to imagine the croaky voices - croakier than usual in the boss's case):

The boss: Sasuke-kun?  
Me: Orochimaru-sama? Is that you?  
The boss: Sasuke-kun, you have given me your disease. I want you to take it back.  
Me: I'm really not sure if I can do that—  
The boss: I want you to take it back _now_, Sasuke-kun. I did not ask for this. You are a bringer of disease.  
Me: I didn't mean it. Honestly.  
The boss: Sasuke-kun, you never mean it. Yet things always seem to happen. Because of you, my head feels like its has been punched repeatedly by an angry, disillusioned youth. It is painful, and it is inconvenient and I want it to stop.  
Me: Well, colds are generally like that.  
The boss: Shut up, Sasuke-kun. I know what colds are like. I am suffering through one at the moment. I want you to know that, as of this moment, you are making my life miserable—  
Me: I didn't mean it!  
The boss: Please shut up, Sasuke-kun. I am trying to moan and you are—

(interlude consisting of a coughing fit on both sides of the telephone)

The boss: — do excuse me. Are you alright, Sasuke-kun?  
Me: ... ugh. I think so.  
The boss: Good. Now where was I? Oh yes. You have inadvertently made my life miserable with your hellish contagion. What are you going to do about it?  
Me: I suppose I could come over later and make you some chicken soup.  
The boss: I don't like chicken soup.  
Me: Then what do you like?  
The boss: Ah... one moment. Are you proposing cream of chicken soup, such as that processed and pumped into tin cans, or chicken soup of the homemade variety consisting of a clear chicken stock, a few vegetables and real chicken bits?  
Me: The latter.  
The boss: Then that is perfectly acceptable.  
Me: You think I would make you cream of chicken soup? It's one of the most disgusting soups known to man.  
The boss: I wouldn't put it past you...  
Me: Yes, I suppose you're right.  
The boss: Mmm...  
Me: So it's soup, blankets and DVDs tonight, then?  
The boss: Yes.  
Me: Right, okay then. I'll see you tonight.

After that, I basically buggered around all day. Feeling like one's head has been stuffed full of red hot wool, after all, is not conducive to productivity. I went down to the Staff Room and spoke to Suigetsu, Karin, Amachi and Gen'yumaru for the first time in what felt like ages. We ended up having that conversation about TV shows you used to watch when you were a kid. My personal favourites, I announced, were the Thundercats and He-Man. Those two appeared to be fairly popular by general consensus of those present. Captain Planet and She-Ra: Princess of Power were other favourites. I observed, however, that though I had fond memories of watching cartoons such as Thundercats and He-Man as a child, the dialogue really did leave something to be desired - though I did not realise this when I was young, being as children, generally, aren't fussy about things like that. This was met by vehement protest and I decided to prove it to everyone by forcing them to watch a YouTube clip. Needless to say, I was proven correct once again, but this then sparked a debate on who was a better villain: Mumm-Ra or Skeletor? I was clearly on the side of Mumm-Ra, but Amachi is an ardent He-Man enthusiast and was entirely too prepared to list the merits of Skeletor. I then, rather unwisely, brought up the issue of Skeletor being strangely well-muscled for a skeleton and for the next forty-five minutes, we were treated to Amachi's terrifyingly in-depth theory on how Skeletor came to acquire his present physical form.

When we finally managed to escape (it's fair to say I have never wanted to get back to work so much in my life) Suigetsu told me that even mentioning He-Man is a big no-no when it comes to Amachi. He's a hardcore fanboy, apparently, with an impressive collection of figures and other paraphernalia, and he was banned from the He-Man forums for frightening the newbies with PhD thesis length posts.

I will never mention He-Man again. It has been tainted for me...

For the record, though, I still think Mumm-Ra is by far the superior antagonist.

There was supposed to be a meeting with Gai, Lee and Kabuto to discuss matters relating to my trial, but it has been cancelled, since both the boss and I have been struck down by the dreaded lurgy. I'm really rather nervous about it, but I have been told not to think on it at all. I'll do my best not to, but it's pink elephants all the way.

November 3rd

The boss is terrible, he really is. When I got to his house last night, I found him playing the role of the dying man in his bedroom, cocooned in several layers of large, thick, winter duvets. He was lying down on the bed and his head was poking out the top of the cocoon, exposing his sulking, pouting face. He somewhat resembled a seal. A sea of common-cold related detritus surrounded him, this comprising of items such as: tissues, finished cups of tea, half-finished cups of tea, empty packets of Strepsils, more tissues, a 50g tub of Vicks VapoRub, one Vicks Inhaler, an empty packet of Lemsip, yet more tissues, one bottle of Benylin, and five hot water bottles. When he saw me come in, he emitted a low, mournful and unhappy sound. I took this as an indicator that he wanted sympathy and I went over and sat next to him on the bed.

I managed to con Gen'yumaru into making me some chicken soup earlier (I'm not sure who I was trying to kid in thinking I could make soup on my own - it's much more difficult than it appears at first glance in the recipe book) and one of the boss's house staff re-heated it and brought it up. After he had eaten some soup, he seemed to feel a little better and let me into the cocoon. While in our conjoined cocooned state, we watched three DVDs back-to-back. Orochimaru wanted to watch Anaconda, but I put my foot down. He sulked for a while, but I had brought my Season Three box set of Family Guy, so that didn't last long. We watched every single episode and laughed ourselves silly (pausing frequently to blow our noses or have coughing fit) until the over-the-counter drugs kicked in and we fell asleep.

I am typing this entry right now on my laptop because I have been woken up by the boss and his decidedly eccentric sleeping habits. I have been kicked, punched, shoved and talked-at and can take it no longer. As the boss has deprived me of precious sleep, I have decided to make use of my forced period of wakefulness by documenting the aforementioned weird behaviour.

INTRODUCTION:

The object of this impromptu sleep-study is

1) to observe the nocturnal habits of Subject A

and;

2) to document any symptoms of apparent somnipathy, with hope for a swift diagnosis.

Information on Subject A:

Name: Orochimaru  
Age: 50  
Sex: Male  
Country: Fire  
Village: Konoha

The subject is known to have been exposed to a series of potentially stressful situations which could, in theory, trigger sleep disorder/disorders. He has a high-powered job as the company director of a large corporation and is forced to deal with a vast number of numbskulls daily. Prior to this, he worked with perhaps the biggest bunch of ruthless, cut-throat scumbags in another high-powered and stressful executive role at the Akatsuki Group. In the opinion of the researcher, recurring nightmares from this period of his career would not be out of the question. Recent personal trauma includes being arrested due to a misunderstanding with his PA. This could also trigger sleep-disorder. Probable physical causes of potential sleep disorders include: acute viral nasopharyngitis, overdosing on over-the-counter drugs, alcoholism. The subject is otherwise healthy, though perhaps over-sexed.

Equipment used:

As the researcher is not in possession of a polysomnogram, more rudimentary tools will have to suffice, including:

1 pillow

1 cold foot (note: belonging to the researcher)

1 prodding stick

1 mobile phone (note: belonging to the researcher)

1 light switch

1 dressing gown cord

1 pair of ear plugs

Observations:

Subject A appears to suffer from acute somniloquy. In layman's terms, this means he talks in his sleep. The severity of Subject A's sleep-talking ranges from occasional obscene mutterings to the hilariously detailed. A few such examples of the hilariously detailed include:

"Nrrrrr... get the phone, Sasuke-kun. Get the phone. Get the phone. Aha... but the phone's on the floor. Yes... It's on the floor so you have to bend over. Mmmm... Ha ha... Ahhhhh... What? You have to call Itachi? Why do you have to call Itachi? Just stay there like that. Don't... Nrrr..."

"I want that one with the sugar on the top. The one with the sugar. Yes. I like sugar. Sugar, sugar, sugar... It tastes better with sugar. Now sprinkle it over the top. Mmmm... ah? No. I want sugar. The one with the sugar... No vegetables. I like vegetables, but I've had my vegetables. I've had my vegetables. I want sugar..."

"Driving... driving... just drive around it. Don't look at it. You'll get lost in it. Turn on the sat-nav. Yes... that's right. It tells you where to go. Don't look at it. DON'T LOOK AT IT!!"

Subject A also appears to suffer from nocturnal myoclonus - also known as Periodic Limb Movement Disorder (PLMD). Again, the severity of this condition ranges from the occasional twitch to full-blown flails. The researcher was originally roused from sleep due to one of the aforementioned flails, accompanied by a prolonged, ear-piercing shriek. When a flail occurred, the exact movements were documented by the researcher via the utilisation of the light switch and the video function on the mobile phone.

Experimentation and Discussion:

When the possible disorders had been defined, several attempts were made to alleviate Subject A's symptoms. The first involved the use of a pillow, pressed firmly over face of the subject in order to reduce the volume of any involuntary utterances. This, however, only resulted in a particularly violent flail which forced the researcher from the bed. At this point, the researcher was forced to retreat to a nearby chair, which was drawn close to the bedside. Armed with a prodding stick, the researcher proceeded to prod Subject A every time the subject behaved abnormally, in hope that by punishing abnormal behaviour, the subject would revert to more normal behaviour. This was also unsuccessful, as Subject A wrested the prodding-stick from the hands of the researcher and clutched it to his chest in the manner of a children's blanket or stuffed toy. Subject A, thus armed, could have proven potentially dangerous, therefore, the researcher resolved to tread carefully. Slipping back into the bed of Subject A, the researcher then placed a cold foot upon the inner thigh of Subject A in hope of rousing him from sleep. This was also unsuccessful and resulted in further flailing. In a last-ditch, desperate attempt to get some rest, the researcher then proceeded to tie the arms of Subject A to the bedposts with the dressing gown cord. This was successful in preventing further flailing, although the researcher found that the only defence against the sometimes loud and detailed soliloquies of Subject A were the earplugs.

CONCLUSION:

The researcher, having observed the nocturnal habits of Subject A, has come to the conclusion that the subject may need medical help and possibly some strong medication in order to suppress his abnormal behaviour. The researcher currently takes such medication. Perhaps it would help if some were slipped into his next bowl of chicken soup? If not, then it has been discovered that a sturdy dressing gown cord and a pair of ear-plugs will function equally well in such circumstances.

Notes: At precisely midnight, the researcher's right nostril unblocked. Unfortunately, the researcher is still nasally lopsided, as the left is now suffering from severe congestion. A pattern seems to be emerging here. Perhaps the midnight nasal activity merits further investigation. Either way, it must wait until the morning, as the researcher is utterly exhausted and is about to turn his laptop off for the night.

* * *

Gah, sorry this chapter was so late, guys. I've had things to do and have had places to be, which ain't good for writing. Nevertheless, I have to thank everyone who left a review for the last chapter (I love seeing how you guys react to this stuff - it's fantastic). Those people are: foreverloved, danni quinn, Simple-Minded Idiot, missyserena214, Raspedra Twilight, Riana1, eerabit and ArilianaFireQueen. Thanks, too, to everyone who has left a review so far. You guys are too cool...

Take care :-)


	10. Chapter 10

A Day in the Life

November 4th

I am at work, typing this entry out on my desktop PC as I now feel well enough to summon enough motivation to come in without sitting in the shower for half an hour after I wake up, weeping. I woke up this morning to find that both my nostrils had blissfully de-congested themselves, leaving me with only a mild case of the sniffles. I put this down to Gen'yumaru's chicken soup, which was absolutely fantastic. The boss, however, is still suffering. He's not very happy, either, because not only is it my fault he has a terrible head cold, it's also my fault that he woke up this morning with rope burn around his wrists.

I shouldn't be laughing, but it _was_ quite funny.

Since I was the first to rise, (as usual, the boss is really rather lazy) I picked up the breakfast trays his house-staff leave outside his bedroom door and brought them in. They already know my order: a plain black coffee, a bagel with cream-cheese and a fruit plate. The boss has either:

Option 1 - green tea, miso soup and some rice

or;

Option 2 - English tea, a massive fruit plate and a small bowl of cornflakes

or;

Option 3 - peppermint tea and three sticks of Wrigley's Doublemint (which he stuffs in his mouth all at once).

The boss had went for option three, so I sat his tea and his chewing gum on his bedside cabinet and hopped back into bed and started on my breakfast. I had finished my bagel and was halfway through my fruit plate when the boss woke up. He seemed to come to his senses in several distinct stages. This first involved him taking stock of his current situation, along the lines of: "Am I awake? It certainly seems so. Check. Who am I? I am Orochimaru. Check. Where am I? I appear to be in my bedroom. Check. Are all my limbs present and correct? No. I cannot move my arms. What is wrong with my arms? Why can't I move them?"

When he realised something was wrong, he began to panic, which involved much thrashing and yelling until he saw me.

"Sasuke-kun..." he breathed, his eyes full of fear. "I can't move my arms!"

"Look up," I said, ever-so-casually, taking a sip of my coffee.

And look up he did. When he spotted the securely knotted dressing gown cord that tied his arms to the bedpost, he calmed down immediately and fixed me with an icy, sidelong stare.

"I did not consent to this, Sasuke-kun," he said.

I replied that I was very well aware of that fact, but that I had to do it, otherwise I would have ended up in the hospital. The boss's brow furrowed in puzzlement and I whipped out my phone and showed him the video evidence of his nocturnal shenanigans. He was genuinely surprised at what he saw. Evidently neither Kabuto nor Kimimaro had had the bollocks to tell him about his rampant sleep-disorder.

"I really do that?" he asked, dumbfounded.

"Yes," I said. "You really do that. I suggest you go to your doctor, show him this footage and demand medication - otherwise, it's separate beds."

The boss looked thoughtful at this point and asked me to blue-tooth him the videos. I kindly obliged and helped untie him. It was then that he noticed the rope-burn. He sort of went off on one after that, and started towel-whipping me with the dressing gown. I had to escape to the office pretty smartish. I still have red marks up the backs of my legs. It really stung.

There's nothing much to do now except answer phone calls and mess around on the internet. I've been invited to Gen'yumaru's for dinner later. I think I might go. I haven't been round since I started seeing the boss.

November 5th

Went round to Gen'yumaru's for dinner last night and then I went to see the boss. My social life does not have to revolve completely around Orochimaru! Compromise may be reached, I have discovered, though I have to be a shade covert about it. When I accepted the invitation, I stressed that I couldn't stay long because I had a meeting with my lawyers about the trial. This was a complete and utter lie, but it meant that when I sneaked off to see the boss, I didn't look at all suspicious.

Karin, in particular, was happy to see me. We had quite a nice chat in the kitchen between the main course and dessert when she admitted that she had missed me over the past week or so. I was intrigued, so I enquired into why exactly she had missed me and she confessed that she had been worried about me ever since Jiraiya's 50th birthday bash when I didn't answer her calls or texts. She also confessed that she thought I didn't like her, and that's why I kept avoiding her. I informed her, in no uncertain terms, that her fears were quite unfounded and that, in fact, I liked her very much, letting her know that I have just been busy doing other things. She smiled at me and gave me a grateful hug, wine-glass in hand.

It was great to see everyone else, though, too. Suigetsu, in particular, was on fine form, telling us a brilliant joke about a nun and a rubber chicken that had me laughing until the tears came. We all briefed each other on the latest gossip, including some of the things I missed while I was "sick". Tayuya, apparently, is going out with Sakon and there's a betting pool on how long it'll last. I placed four-hundred yen on round about a month, give or take a few days. Suigetsu was considerably less generous, giving them only a week. They asked if I would take the sheet to the boss and Kabuto to see if they wanted a shot at the money. I said I'd do it. It sounded like something the boss would appreciate. I don't care about Kabuto.

Sure enough, the boss put down five-hundred thousand yen for two weeks' time. He has far too much money. I'm really at a loss as to what he does with it all.

He was acting a little strangely when I turned up, though. Still wrapped in layers of blankets, he had moved into his study and was hunched over his laptop, hammering away at the keys. He was concentrating pretty hard as he didn't notice me come in, and when I tapped him on the shoulder, he flinched, and snapped his screen closed when he saw me. Everything was relatively normal after that, but I can't ignore the boss's decidedly shifty actions. He obviously did not want me to see what he was doing.

I'll just have to find out then, since I am a suspicious sort...

November 6th

When I opened my inbox this morning, I had two particularly interesting e-mails. The first was a memo from Suigetsu:

----

From: "Waterboy"

Subject: Pranks Day

Dear colleagues,

Due to the phenomenal success of last year's official office Pranks Day as proposed by the Human Resources department and sanctioned by Orochimaru-sama himself, there will be another official office Pranks' Day.

Pranks' Day will begin tomorrow, that is November 7th, at 6am and will continue throughout the day until 6pm. In order to participate, all employees must present themselves to the Department of Human Resources and sign the release form.

Timetables for those employees wishing to take part are as follows:

8:30 - 10:00am: Departments of Human Resources and Accounts & Finance.

10:30 - 12:00pm: Departments of Sales & Marketing and Purchasing.

1:30 - 3:30pm: Departments of Research and Development and Information Technology.

4:00 - 5:00pm: All other employees, or those who missed prior departmental slots.

Now is the time to start thinking about what pranks you are going to play on your colleagues! Remember, though, it's all in good fun.

Happy Pranks' Day!

Suigetsu

Head of Department of Human Resources

----

I never knew about this when I was conducting research into the company after I was first offered a job with Otogakure.

It is official.

I love working here.

However, I received another e-mail that rather dampened my high-spirits.

----

From: "Uchiha Itachi"

Subject: The trial.

Greetings, little brother!

Itachi here. Kabuto has asked me to assist in the preparation for your court case and has requested an in-depth interview regarding your history of sleep-related problems. I have consented to conduct this interview with him, as I have a few days' holiday I am entitled to take. I will be flying into Otogakure Airport tomorrow at 7:15pm. My flight number is MZ1094 (I am flying with Mizu Airways).

See you then, Sasuke-kun!

P.S. What voltage does Otogakure use in their mains supplies? Will I have to bring an adaptor for my GHDs?

----

Typical. Just bloody, bloody typical. Itachi _never_ considers whether he might be inconveniencing _me_ by e-mailing me the day before and announcing, out of the blue, that he will be turning up on my doorstep. He simply assumes that I will drop whatever I am doing to satisfy his whims. Itachi never asks if it is alright if he can stay for a while, because the thought does not even cross his mind that I might refuse. Similarly, Itachi never thinks about whether I might not be available to pick him up from the fucking airport at whatever hour in the day because he believes that when it comes to him I should have all the time in the world.

This really does not bode well for his visit. I can already feel the stress-tension developing in my neck and shoulder-blades and he's not even here yet.

I'm going to need to book a massage. Or two. Or possibly three. Or a ticket to a spa for a week where I can relax in a mud bath and get the hell away from my over-achieving brother.

Must try and erase Itachi and his supreme self-centred arrogance from my mind. Thinking up diabolical pranks for tomorrow should help matters along.

Have to go sign up now. Will update you on the prank situation later.

LATER: I think I may have just come up with the Best Prank Ever! The boss and I are teaming up because he can override all the settings on everyone's computers (he has so much power - I love it!) We're sitting working on it right now. Of course, Amachi and the I.T. guys will see through it right away, but they'll be so inundated with calls from worried, less computer literate employees and won't be able to do a damn thing about it!

This is how it should go. It is a company rule that employees are not permitted to mess around with their desktop backgrounds (there was an incident involving a lewd photograph of Jiroubou in a gimp suit doing the rounds and a blanket ban was eventually imposed). Therefore, each desktop is identical and has the same folders and shortcuts to programmes saved on it. Orochimaru can check each employee's computer to ensure that no one is breaking the rules.

What we're planning to do is fiddle a little with everyone's desktop backgrounds via the boss's godly Admin account. By hitting the old print screen, we'll take a snapshot of the default desktop, delete all the icons and save the snapshot image as the background. Then, the boss will apply this as the default desktop to only every single damn computer in the company! It's going to be brilliant, it really is. People will be clicking and clicking and thinking their computer has frozen up. So simple... but so incredibly effective!

I remember trying it out on Naruto a few years back when I worked at Konoha-Suna Corp. I swear I almost ruptured something internal trying to suppress my laughter. It took him four hours to realise something was wrong (he kept rebooting his computer, over and over and over, getting angrier by the minute) before he called I.T. Neji, the head of I.T. at Konoha-Suna came up personally to fix it, and when he found out what was actually "wrong" with Naruto's computer, he laughed so hard that Naruto ended up throwing a plant-pot at him and a big fight broke out.

I never did get round to admitting to him that it was me...

Ah well. Never mind. Tomorrow (up until 7:15pm) is going to be fantastic!

November 7th

Did I say that today was going to be fantastic? I take it all back.

It is only 8:50am and I have been pranked three times already. Three times! I went back to my apartment last night after going to see the boss and I woke up, shrieking like an Academy schoolgirl because someone (read: the boss) had planted a huge and incredibly life-like rubber anaconda in my bed. When I _finally_ managed to calm myself down and lower my pulse rate (I really did think I was going to have a heart-attack - my chest felt all funny and everything) I had to run to the bathroom, due to severe early-morning stress. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that someone had coated the toilet seat in a translucent substance that, upon coming into contact with human skin, turns black. I now have a large black ring around my arse and across the backs of my legs. Only Amachi and Kabuto have such intimate knowledge of chemicals. My money is on the former. Kabuto would have come up with something that burned, too.

You know, for about five minutes before I went to sleep last night, I felt a little bit bad for Amachi. I take that back, too. This prank the boss and I are pulling is going to make so much hell for Amachi, it'll be unreal. And I will laugh. A lot.

On the way in to work, I spotted a poor soul who had been deprived of his underpants and handcuffed to a fence by some caring colleagues, who had long since deserted him. A forlorn pile of silly-string still clung to his hair and his bare feet as he yelled for someone to call a locksmith. I laughed heartily at him and strolled up to the office.

My mood somewhat lightened after that, but it did not last long. I was the first (after Suigetsu) to enter the Staff Room and, consequently, I activated the trip wire he had set up, causing four modified Super-Soakers to simultaneously empty their ridiculously high-pressured contents all over me. Suigetsu then promptly leapt out from behind the sofa and roared with laughter, pointing at me and waving his digital camera about his head, letting me know that my lost dignity and super-soaking would now be shared with the entire corporation at large.

Needless to say, my Uchiha pride would not stand for this and, dripping wet, I tackled him, gagged him and locked him up in the cupboard. My first prank of the day.

I had to run home quickly to change, but by the time I made my way up to the boss's office, I could already hear the murmurs of dissent in the ranks as the Otogakure employees discovered that their computers were behaving in an odd fashion. Or, to put it more accurately, were not behaving at all. I smirked.

Oh... it's all going to kick off. I know it.

LATER: The boss and I are now sitting in his office, watching the CCTV and laughing our heads off at all the underlings. In R&D, someone appears to have compiled an i-pod mix of ripped hardcore porn audio and is blasting it through the intercom. Some clever bugger has been remapping the function keys on the computers of several, carefully selected colleagues in Sales & Marketing. The members of the Department of Human Resources, like their immediate boss, are a little less subtle, and appear to be satisfied with covering others' cubes in tinfoil or turning the whole office upside down. There have been several reported incidents of super-glue abuse; one poor sap has been stuck to his swivel-chair in Purchasing and another is being peeled from the floor outside Gen'yumaru's office by a gang of sniggering workmates.

It's fair to say that it's absolute bedlam here today...

Up until now, no one has played a prank on the boss. This is probably because if they do, and he finds out who they are, they will be fired in the blink of an eye. He likes to inflict misery on others, but he is a lot less keen when it comes to himself, you see. I, however, am a different case from the other Joes in the office. I haven't yet forgiven him for the rubber anaconda, and I think it's time the boss suffered on Pranks' Day just like the rest of us.

LATER: I am now a legend in the office. I kept it sweet and simple and got the biggest (repressed) laugh of the day.

Kidoumaru was doing a roaring trade in low-quality, single-use prank paraphernalia that he bought wholesale off a guy on Ebay. I went along to Purchasing and bought a whoopee cushion from him for two-hundred and fifty yen.

The time of the boss's afternoon meeting with R&D was approaching. With an evil, evil grin, I inflated the whoopee cushion and secreted it about my person, slipping it underneath the lapel of my snazzy, tailor-made, black suit before my unwitting victim appeared and I had to escort him to our destination. Once there, all the requisite formalities were observed, including obsequious displays of arse-kissing. This was directed pretty much exclusively towards the boss and was pretty much exclusively the work of Shitface.

So, the boss entered the meeting room and I followed close behind with my notebook in hand. Everyone else was already sitting and the overhead projector was humming with the tantalising thrum of imminent victory and total humiliation. I sat while the boss gave a said a few opening words, as is his custom. While he did so, I stared straight ahead at the clock on the far wall, trying desperately to suppress the horrendous, ill-timed giggle-fit that was threatening to erupt and spoil the whole thing. Orochimaru's mini-speech came to an end and I felt the swish of his kimono on my arm which indicated that he was about to sit.

It was time.

The boss was lowering his arse to the seat. I had to act quickly and with stealth. Still staring resolutely at the wall, in one fluid movement, my hand slipped into the folds of my suit and withdrew my weapon of choice and I planted the cushion of doom as the boss's arse was but an inch from touching down.

The results were immediate and devastating.

The sound of a prolonged and rambling fart reverberated throughout the clinically pristine meeting room. It had the sound of pain to it. After the initial, violent, stuttering machine-gun bursts, it ended with a quavering wail and a final low, mournful, airy note. It was truly spectacular. Never has 250 yen been so well spent.

Then, there was a Silence: one thoroughly deserving of the upper-case, as it was Significant. Jaws had dropped and eyes had widened all around the table. They all looked as though they had just emitted the most alarming sound heard by man, not the boss. Kabuto was stunned. While all this was going on, I was still staring straight-ahead at the wall. I swear my ribs were cracking from trying not to laugh. It was extraordinarily unfair. My finest hour and I could neither guffaw nor chortle at the boss's expense. To do so, however, would have ruined the impact of the prank.

A tense thirty seconds passed in which not a sound could be heard. You really could have heard the proverbial pin drop. Then I felt the boss's hand on my shoulder. He wasn't gripping hard, so I knew that he wasn't incandescent with rage. He said, in a low, amused tone, "Well done, Sasuke-kun. I rather expect you'll want to go and get it out of your system?"

I nodded, feeling my jaw about to crack with the strain of holding back the torrent of LAWL.

"Very well then," he said. "I will see you tomorrow, Sasuke-kun, bright and early."

I stood up and felt all eyes boring into me as I left the meeting room. As soon as I was safely out in the corridor and the door had closed behind me, I collapsed on the cold, tiled floor and burst out laughing. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I was literally clutching at my sides because they were so, terribly sore. Now that I look back on it, I might not have been far away enough from the meeting room and the boss would have probably heard me (in all honesty, I think anyone in the company could have heard me at that point) but I don't think I have to care. The boss didn't seem angry.

Ahhhh... Sweet, sweet victory - and more than payback for the anaconda stunt, I should think! And, as I type, the congratulatory e-mails are coming in thick and fast.

All there is left to do now is have some dinner and go pick up Itachi.

I am so good...

* * *

Sorry for the wait, guys. My internet was down for a couple of days and I had somewhere to be last night. Thanks so much for the reviews, you guys are all awesome, really you are - and your reviews make me lol, too. :-) Thanks must go out to: eerabbit, foreverloved, qwertumz, Niver, Winged Valkiria, fiore777 (who is a GUY, by the way - ignore my last guess regarding his gender!), Simple-Minded Idiot, Raspedra Twilight, ArilianaFireQueen, danni quinn (I hope you're feeling better now!), Maenad, Ooh look a giant hippy, and krisis81. Thanks again, too, to everyone who's left a review so far. You will get karma from it, I swear to krishna...

Next chapter - sibling angst!

Take care:-)


	11. Chapter 11

A Day in the Life

November 8th

Itachi is here and he is already making my life a living hell.

When I arrived at the airport, Itachi was ready and waiting at arrivals because it is against his nature to be anything less than a few minutes early. I was right on time, and eventually managed to elbow my way through the crowds and push to the front. I silenced all protest with my patented Icy Uchiha Glare. It really does work. I'm so proud of it. 

Itachi was sitting on a pile of three unnervingly large cases amongst a crowd of fellow arrivals (I thought he was only going to be staying for three days? How much luggage does he need? This is ominous.) He spotted me right away and we had one of those horrendously awkward brotherly moments that Itachi is really into. He doesn't do it because he feels any sort of familial affection for me. He does it because he perceives that that is how things are done in normal families. The feeling is mutual, except I know that it's all just a smokescreen and would prefer not to have to go to the bother of putting on an act. Said moments involve Itachi and myself offering each other a false smile and a curt nod - this followed by the most excruciating hug ever witnessed by man or beast. Then, we will take a step back, punctuating this with a manly sniff, and end the whole mortifying ritual by informing the other how glad we are to see them. This is, of course, a lie.

After our "brotherly moment", I piled Itachi's cases onto the luggage trolley (because he was standing around waiting for me to do it for him) and we made our way back to the car. I paid the exorbitant sum of money charged for parking (even though I was only in the terminal for half an hour) and Itachi and I worked on forcing his ridiculously large cases into the trunk. Only two would fit, so Itachi had to sit with one perched on his knees.

The ride back was similarly uncomfortable. I can easily sum up the extent of our conversation in a few lines:

Me: "So... Oni-chan. How have you been?"  
Itachi: "Me? Oh. Perfectly well, Sasuke-kun. Yourself."  
Me: "Oh fine, fine..."

Insert an awkward pause, in which I raided my dwindling stash of small-talk lines to proffer to Itachi in hope of breaking the dismal silence.

Me: "And how's Kisame?"  
Itachi: "Kisame is fine."  
Me: "How's he coping without Goldie?"  
Itachi: "Fine, I think."  
Me: "And Deidara?"  
Itachi: "He's fine, too."  
Me: "Sasori?"  
Itachi: "Quite well."

Eventually, I ran out of names and faces and trailed off into a twenty-minute awkward pause, which was interrupted by my timely recollection of a request of Itachi's I had left unanswered. I pounced upon it, in a manner not unlike the boss after a dry spell.

Me: "Oh, by the way, it's 220 volts over here. Will you be able to use your GHDs?"  
Itachi: "I know. I googled it. I had to buy an adaptor at the Duty Free before I left. Kakuzu borrowed mine and hasn't returned it yet."  
Me: "What a prick."  
Itachi: "Mmm..."

This followed by another lengthy, awkward pause which was only broken by my last-ditch attempt to make conversation when the hour's drive was almost over.

Me: "You straighten your hair? When did you start doing that?"  
Itachi: "I liked Oro's look. I'm growing it out just now, but it's hard to keep it from going wavy at the ends."  
Me: "Ah, I see. Looks good."  
Itachi: "Thank you."

At this point, we had pulled into the car park, so I knew I wouldn't have to torture myself for much longer. I had booked an underling in advance to come and transport Itachi's luggage down to my apartment. I really wish I hadn't, as it would have proven a welcome distraction.

When we finally managed to get indoors, I escaped to the kitchen to make some tea after showing Itachi to the guest room. He said he was going to unpack. The unpacking process seemed to be taking him quite a long time, and, curious, I went through to see if I could figure out why this might be so. The answer was immediately apparent.

In each of his three cases, his belongings were vacuum-sealed in plastic bags and arranged according to bulk. Each individual item was readily identifiable because of the sticky labels printed in 12-point verdana smoothed at perfect right angles across the surface of the bags. The ones I could spot read: "Akatsuki - formal robes", "Akatsuki - everyday robes", "Akatsuki - spare pair of everyday robes", "underwear - three pairs of black boxers", "a selection of black socks", "casual -black jeans", "casual - black shirt", "casual - black Vans", "Akatsuki - kasa", "Akatsuki - forehead protector" and "Akatsuki - accessories (ring, purple nail polish and bells)". As I looked on, aghast, Itachi was hanging up his clothes in the wardrobe - co-ordinating them by size and colour - occasionally stopping to survey his work, shake his head and rearrange items to conform to the most minute detail.

Slightly freaked-out, I backed out of the room and reached for the phone. Suigetsu. Suigetsu would know what to do. Unfortunately, when I called him, he was rather angry. I suppose he was within his rights to be, since it was technically my fault he had been locked in the cupboard in the Staff Room for fourteen hours without food or water. He informed me, in no uncertain terms, that if I did not liberate him from his decidedly claustrophobic prison right then and there he would never, ever speak to me again. 

Clearly, something had to be done.

I yelled to Itachi that I was popping out for fifteen minutes and I sprinted over to the boss's to beg for a pair of keys. The boss wasn't available, which was odd, but one of his underlings handed them over and I headed straight for the Staff Room and released Suigetsu. Suigetsu, needless to say, was not best pleased with me and he punched me really hard on the arm at first opportunity. When my eyes had stopped watering, I apologised profusely and attempted to buy back his affections by promising to take him back to my apartment and let him invent sundaes to his heart's content. He pretended to consider my offer and threw me filthy looks for five minutes before caving. Ice-cream is one of his biggest weaknesses, and I have loads of the stuff in my freezer for just such an occasion.

When we got back, Itachi had commandeered the big mirror in the sitting room and was sitting, cross-legged on the floor, straightening his hair. Suigetsu asked who he was and I introduced them. Itachi was quite keen when he learned we were going to be making up ice-cream sundae recipes, so I had no choice but to permit him to join in.

While we were in the kitchen, Suigetsu was very interested in finding out about Itachi and he quizzed him on a number of inane personal topics, including, but not limited to: his age, his height, his shoe size, what his favourite flavour of ice-cream was (mint-choc chip), what his favourite colour was (black), whether he had any embarrassing stories about me (he told the one about the time I pooed in the laundry basket when I was two - _and they laughed!_) what his favourite drink was (pepsi), what his favourite animal was (any member of the mustelidae family - I had to explain to Suigetsu that this meant ferrets, weasels, stoats etc.), what shampoo he used (Pantene sleek and smooth), whether he preferred boxers or briefs (boxers), and who would he shag out of Deidara and the boss (no comment).

When we'd finished making our sundaes and when Itachi had been thoroughly interrogated, Suigetsu thought it would be a fun idea to invite Gen'yumaru over to judge whose was best. He thought wrong. As soon as the plan was confirmed, Itachi went back into the kitchen to "tidy up" his creation. 

This signified that he had gone into "perfection overdrive" and had shifted up a gear into "subtly competitive mode". I knew then that any hopes of winning the sundae competition had been utterly dashed. It followed, then, that I suddenly cared a hell of a lot more about it than I had ten minutes beforehand.

I could feel a sulk coming on, but the doorbell rang and I had to answer it, greet the guests (Gen'yumaru had invited Karin along too), uncork the wine and be a good host. Itachi emerged ten minutes later and turned on the Uchiha charm when I introduced him to the others, being graceful, gracious, complimentary and always laughing at the right time. I felt like punching him. 

Why is it that when he's with me in private, getting him to interact is like drawing blood from a stone, yet when he's in public, he turns into this completely different person? I swear there's some big, dark family secret being hidden from me. Twins are definitely involved somehow...

It was not long before everyone trooped into the kitchen so that the sundaes could be judged. I can tell you (and I'm not making this up) that Itachi's sundae elicited gasps - gasps! - of awe from the assembled judges and participants. The fifteen minutes Itachi spent "tidying up" had clearly been well-spent, and appeared to have involved making dainty little chocolate curls from milk, white and dark chocolate, chopping a handful of macadamia nuts, crushing a Crunchie to sprinkle over the top, and constructing the crowning glory, a miniature, delicate golden nest of spun sugar balancing on top.

Despite having been left with one of my less flamboyant sundae glasses, Itachi's creation seemed to favour the clean, simple lines of the more plain vessel. Like his wardrobe, his ice-cream was colour co-ordinated; Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough and Chocolate Brownie flavour had never looked so good together. This teamed with lashings of dark chocolate sauce, hot fudge and sweet butterscotch, two of those little tube wafers with chocolate in the middle set elegantly to one side, and a delicately fanned strawberry, all combined to offer the prospective adjudicator a singularly, irritatingly, sickeningly perfect sundae.

Mine, on the other hand, was a merely a hodgepodge of things I liked: mint-choc chip and chocolate ice cream with chocolate sauce, bits of After-Eight mints, grated dark chocolate, chunks of brownie and a swirl of aerosol-can whipped-cream with a proper, whole cherry on top. Simple and most definitely not overdone.

Suigetsu's was hilarious and should have won - being pure comedy gold. It comprised of scoops of lime, mint-choc chip and strawberry ice-cream, but you wouldn't have guessed due to all the fit-inducing, sugary detritus that obscured it from view. Gummy worms, smarties, mini-marshmallows, bubble-gum balls, fizzy laces, popping candy - you name it, Suigetsu had it in his sundae. He also found an ominous-looking raspberry sauce at the back of my cupboard and became extremely excited when he squeezed it and blue came out. Naturally, he tipped a whole load of the stuff into his concoction along with half a bottle of strawberry sauce - resulting in a weird, psychedelic purplish goo in places. Suigetsu fittingly dubbed it: "E-number Surprise."

Needless to say, Gen'yumaru almost orgasmed when he saw Itachi's work of art, so it was declared out-and-out winner, to my disgust. My sundae came second, and Suigetsu's last on account of the fact that "it tasted and smelled like migraines" and made Karin's tongue burn.

Everyone eventually became sick of ice-cream and it was time to go. Goodbyes were said and compliments were paid to me on behalf of my brother at the door: "He's fucking cool, dude! You should let him stay more often", "...such a flair for presentation, I can't tell you! It's refreshing to meet someone with such natural culinary talent...", "He was really nice, Sasuke. Quite charming. You can definitely tell you're brothers. You should ask him over more often!" When the last of them left, I waited till they were all safely back in their apartments before slamming the door shut as hard as I could. It echoed for at least three seconds. I felt good.

He's only been here for a couple of hours and already he is driving me insane. He managed to get into the bathroom first and is taking AGES doing god knows what.

I don't think I'll be able to get through this...

November 9th

Shit has hit the fan in the office. 

The reason Amachi didn't appear last night was because he was working frantically through the night with Kabuto trying to hack into the boss's admin account. News has somehow got out that the network at Otogakure Enterprises has went down and investors are selling their fucking shares left, right and centre. Some idiot underling, no doubt. Amachi and Kabuto tried to contact the boss to gain access to his admin account, but he wasn't answering his phone, and they tried to contact Suigetsu to ask him to inform all the staff of what was really going on, but he had been locked in a cupboard until ten-thirty. 

The result is that the front-page of this morning's Otogakure Enquirer sported the rambunctious headline: CORPORATE MELTDOWN - OTO ENTERPRISES CRASH AND BURN!! I found this out because the paper was thrust in my face after I was awoken by the boss yelling himself hoarse and hammering down my door. When I answered the door, the boss stormed into my apartment, wearing his most expensive white kimono, and Karin was there, hot on his heels, looking panicky and talking rapidly down the line to someone on her phone.

The boss dragged me out of bed and told me to get dressed in my best as there was an emergency press conference scheduled in an hour for the purpose of enlightening the masses (read: the investors) as to the state of the current computer situation. Feeling disorientated, jittery and quite, quite terrified, the boss shoved me towards the bathroom and tried to open the door. Clearly, Itachi had managed to sneak in first, as I could hear the faint roar of the steam shower working at full power.

The boss narrowed his eyes and looked at me. "Who's in there, Sasuke-kun?" he said, his voice carrying an ominous warning note that, in my experience, has preceded each of his random outbursts of psychotic jealousy.

Fortuitously, at that moment, Itachi chose to unlock the door and pop his head out to see what was going on. A cloud of steam, smelling of lemons, billowed out as he did so, and he tilted his head to the side, clearly puzzled to have been greeted with the sight of his old colleague standing before him, utterly enraged and in full, formal dress at quarter to seven in the morning.

"Oro?" he said, squinting through the steam.

The boss was appeared to be similarly confused at having been greeted with the sight of his old colleague, smelling of lemons and clad only in a towel, in his PA's bathroom at quarter to seven in the morning.

"Itachi-kun?" the boss said. "What on earth are you doing here?"

"I've taken a few days off to help Sasuke out with the trial," he replied. "Is something wrong?"

And thus Itachi was roped into helping fix things. He is on the phone right now to all the newspaper editors he has contact with and is being sickeningly efficient. I really don't think he knows how to turn it off. He is also attending the press conference along with myself, the boss and Karin. I made fun of him earlier for packing his Akatsuki formal robes. Yet again I have been proven wrong. Karin is looking incredibly sexy in a pencil skirt and heels, with a tailored suit-jacket and crisp-white blouse. I winked at her when the boss wasn't looking and she blushed. I've still got it.

I'm wondering why the boss hasn't shouted at me yet. It's probably because he was involved, too, though that's never stopped him before.

That'll be coming later, no doubt. For now, I just have to turn on the charm and ingratiate myself with the cameras. That, I can do...

* * *

Man, I really want some ice-cream now... 

Virtual, giant-sized portions of Suigetsu's "E-numbers Surprise" for leaving me some lovely reviews go out to: Ayatsuji, Riana1, Sakonster, CloodSama, qwertumz, Simple-Minded Idiot, eerabbit, InuyashasEars, fiore777, Raspedra Twilight, ArilianaFireQueen, danni quinn and Ooh Look a Giant Hippy!

If you wish to be able to get to sleep for the next few days, the portion of "E-numbers Surprise" may be substituted for an Itachi or a Sasuke sundae. :-)

Cheers for the reviews! Take care, guys:-)


	12. Chapter 12

A Day in the Life

November 10th

The boss pulled an absolute blinder yesterday. As of this morning, the company has been positively inundated with Academy graduates inquiring as to the availability of jobs (it seems they love the possibility of working somewhere that's actually "fun"). The boss is in a meeting right now with the top investors, seemingly because the ones who sold off their shares have come crawling back. Share prices rocketed this morning and now, if they want to buy them back, they will be compelled to do so at an exorbitant sum. The boss cannot believe his luck.

Suigetsu, however, is snowed under. I called him to ask how he was getting on and he snapped at me, informing me, in an impatient and self-righteous tone, that he was "extraordinarily busy" because "_some_ of us are having to work our butts off cleaning up the big, steaming shit-stain _others_ have left behind." He has such a way with words. It must be tough for him actually having to do some work for a change.

Itachi is still here. He appears to have moved into my office, having purchased a big, blue bean-bag and a large thermos, which he has filled with perfectly prepared green tea. He is playing Tetris on my DS and has beaten all of my high-scores.

I suppose I should tell you why Itachi has taken up residence. Due to a smutty, cheeky and rather misguided move on the boss's part during the press conference, Itachi has slipped into "overprotective older brother mode" - a mode I have not hitherto witnessed and one which I honestly did not believe existed until now.

At the press conference the boss explained that the company had not, in fact, become a cropper due to a computer-related mishap. When asked to elucidate by an pushy, butch, square-jawed, hag-journalist from Sunagakure, (I swear she had a five o'clock shadow. Karin took a picture on her phone and we're going to inspect it later) the boss flashed one of his winning TV smiles and told the world at large about Otogakure Enterprises' Official Pranks' Day. He told them all about the desktop prank and explained how it was done, getting quite a few laughs and approving nods from the assembled journalists along the way. Things were looking good.

At this point I felt the boss's arm snake round my waist and he dragged me towards him, practically crushing me against his side while he played the "playful enthusiasm for current favourite employee" card. "Sasuke-kun here came up with the idea," he announced. "He is _full_ of surprises..."

The reason for the emphasis on "full" was because at precisely that moment, the boss's hand slipped a little lower than was strictly necessary. It hovered for a split second over my right cheek before he moved in for the kill - giving it a prolonged and rather full-on squeeze. Naturally, given the circumstances, I wasn't expecting such filthery, so I made a noise that sounded rather like "Gnnrr?" and he stepped on my foot - hard. It was over in a split second - or, more accurately, over by the time it takes to utter the word "full" - and his hand swept back up into its initial position. We were both sporting ridiculously cheesy grins on our faces after that. I know this because the picture was on the front page of every broadsheet known to man this very morn.

The only thing is, is that Itachi seems to have noticed what happened. After the conference was over, the boss invited all the journalists and their associated hangers-on back to the fabulous function suite at the office for champagne and nibbles. Itachi had been acting strangely sullen all afternoon, and he hadn't touched his pomegranate juice. I asked him whether he was feeling well and he replied, "Hmm? Oh. I'm fine, Sasuke" and brushed me off.

Later, however, he cornered me squarely at the buffet table and grabbed my arm, saying, "I need to talk to you."

He steered me over to a dark corner of the room and sat me down, looking me straight in the eye with such seriousness that I began to think that something big had happened, like someone had died, for instance. I asked him if there was something bothering him and he replied, "Yes, Sasuke-kun. There is something bothering me."

He fell silent and continued to stare for a prolonged and awkward moment. When nothing else was forthcoming, I gave him another verbal prod in hope that he might actually explain what was going on. His intense staring had begun to freak me out just a little.

"What's wrong, then?" I asked, taking a sip of champagne and offering him an open invitation to speak his mind.

Itachi accepted my invitation, and, leaning forward in his seat, his eyes growing eerily large, said "I saw what happened on the podium, Sasuke-kun."

Needless to say, I was a shade taken aback, and I must have gasped when I took a sip of my drink. This was a mistake because I ended up spraying a fine rain of champagne all over my brother as I choked on it. Itachi patted my back awkwardly as I attempted to draw breath. Even then, however, he remained adamant, and when I had recovered myself, he said gravely, "I saw Orochimaru touching you inappropriately on the podium, Sasuke."

"Oh? Really?" I squeaked, trying to remain nonchalant (and failing miserably as my face was all red and blotchy from trying not to choke to death).

"Yes, Sasuke," he said, looking at me suspiciously. "Didn't you notice?"

"Can't say I did," I replied, with a nervous grin.

Itachi raised an eyebrow and looked at me, deeply sceptical. "Do you mean to say that you didn't notice? At all? It seemed quite full-on, to me. The entire palm and span of the hand was used..."

Full-on. He had used my own words. There was no mistaking it. He had definitely noticed. It also seemed like he didn't approve, so evasive action was required. Unfortunately, Itachi is rather clever and can see through all kinds of walls made of any dense material you could care to name. Playing dumb is usually the best tactic when dealing with him, as he doesn't know quite how to deal with it.

Thus, my stunningly retarded reply: "Oh that! Yeah, I remember now. So that's who it was. I thought it was you!"

Itachi blinked owlishly, his brow furrowing with puzzlement. He really does not know how to respond to stupidity. It's his one weakness, I'm sure of it. "Sasuke," he said after a pause, "why would I want to grope your backside?"

"I must admit, I was wondering that myself," I said, feigning thought. "A joke, maybe?"

Itachi fixed me with another suspicious stare before steepling his fingers and addressing me frankly. "Sasuke," he said, "has Orochimaru ever made sexual advances on you?"

I had to bite my tongue and fight the urge to laugh hysterically and say, "Hah! You don't know the half of it," but instead I pretended to think for a moment before replying, "Not that I'm aware of, Itachi."

"Well be careful around him," he replied, with such gravity that it really was quite hard at that point to fend off a giggle-fit. "You know what Orochimaru is like. You know his sexual preferences. You saw him cavorting with Deidara in the back of my car after the funeral..."

"Cavorting". Oh the hilarity! At this point, I simply had to escape to the men's room, otherwise I would have laughed in his face and everything would have become terribly complicated. I must say that I am proud of the restraint I exhibited throughout that conversation, and I definitely deserve some sort of medal.

I assured Itachi that I would be very careful and that I would endeavour tirelessly to ensure that my relationship with the boss remained purely professional. Itachi seemed satisfied with that and he patted my shoulder, making approving noises, and headed off to mingle with the journalists. I caught him glaring daggers at the boss a couple of times.

Since then, Itachi has been campaigning tirelessly to ensure that I am never alone with the boss. Not even for one moment. I attempted to pop over and see him last night, but when Itachi asked where I was going, he said "That sounds like fun. I'll come with you." I had no sex that night because my fucking brother was watching me like a hawk and pretending not to know when to take a hint. Not even a quick fumble in a cupboard.

Thankfully, he's going tomorrow. Watching him pack should be an experience in itself...

November 11th

He is staying for at least another week.

He made the announcement when I went into the guest room, bright eyed and full of cheer, to let him know I was ready to take him to the airport. I was perturbed to see that he didn't appear to have packed and he casually mentioned, while fiddling around with a Rubix cube, that he had purchased an open return. I asked, "won't Akatsuki be expecting you back?" He said that they could function perfectly well without him for a week.

Please kill me now...

November 12th

Things are getting out of hand.

The boss phoned last night and it was clearly going to be one of those dirty phone-sex calls we sometimes have, which end up in either one of us going to each other's apartments and shagging the living daylights out of one another. The phone rang and, thankfully, I answered it.

"Sasuke-kun?" I heard the boss's voice query.

"It's me, Orochimaru-sama," I replied in a whisper, in case Itachi could hear me from the kitchen.

"Excellent, excellent..." the boss purred. A short pause followed, and then the inevitable, "So... what are you wearing?"

At that moment, Itachi emerged from the kitchen wearing my stripy oven gloves and carrying a tray of home-made pizza. He instantly zeroed in on my worried expression and the fact that I was on the phone, looking suspicious. Does nothing get past him?

"Who are you talking to, Sasuke-kun?" he said slowly.

"Errrr... I think you've got the wrong number!" I spluttered, blurting it out into the receiver before slamming the phone down.

The phone rang three times while we sat and had dinner. On the third, Itachi casually said, "Aren't you going to get that, Sasuke? It might be something important."

I tittered nervously and dismissed the notion with a wave of a hand, saying that I always ignored calls during meals. Itachi seemed convinced by that, and the rest of dinner passed without incident. At quarter-past seven, however, there was a knock on the door. Itachi and I were in the kitchen clearing up at the time, and when we heard it, we both looked at one another.

There was a gleam in Itachi's eyes that I didn't like. It seemed almost like triumph.

"I'll get it, Sasuke," Itachi said politely, setting down his dish-towel and heading for the door. Terrified, because I _knew_ who it was going to be, I protested, but he insisted. "I must pay you back for being such a kind host," he said.

His sleeves rolled up and his hands all wrinkly from washing dishes, he went out to answer the door and disappeared from view. Succumbing to a momentary freak-out, I dithered about the kitchen slightly, dripping water and fairy-liquid everywhere before deciding to dash out into the hall in case I had to diffuse any tension. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the kitchen door would not open because my brother had barricaded me in by putting a chair up against it. At that point, I was quite terrified and I pressed my ear to the door, desperately trying to hear what was going on.

It was the boss, of course, and he seemed rather confused to find Itachi answering the door.

"Itachi," I heard him say. "How nice to see you again. Is Sasuke around, do you know?"

"I'm afraid not, Oro," my brother replied, lying shamelessly. "He said he was popping out to buy some milk and a few other staples. We appear to have run out,"

"That's odd..." the boss said, and I knew from the tone of his voice that he knew something was deeply wrong and that Itachi was lying through his teeth. I could practically hear the cogs whirring in his brain. "I was just talking to him on the phone an hour ago. It seems an awful long time to be gone grocery-shopping..."

I felt like sticking my head in the sink and drowning myself along with the cutlery and the baking trays at that point. Damn the boss and his freakish intelligence! Damn Itachi and _his_ freakish intelligence! The two of _them_ should date. It'd make my life considerably less complicated and they could both sit and play word-games together and talk philosophy. It'd be a match made in heaven.

I heard Itachi laugh mirthlessly. "Hah. Yes, well, Sasuke is prone to indecision. Perhaps he is wondering which brand of milk to choose. I will be sure to inform him that you called. Would you like to leave a message?"

The boss said, no, that it wasn't important, and he must have left then because I heard Itachi close the front door. I sprang from my crouched, spying position and ended up back at the sink, skidding on the water I'd dripped along the way. I strained my ears trying to hear Itachi removing the chair from the kitchen door, but I couldn't hear a thing. He is terrifyingly efficient. A few seconds later, Itachi breezed in.

"Still washing dishes, are we?" he asked with a small smile.

"Yes, indeed," I answered, scrubbing the inside of a pot, trying not to make eye contact. "I've been here all the time."

"Ah, good, good," he said, picking up a china plate and giving it a quick dry with his dish-towel.

"So who was it, then?" I asked tentatively, dreading his answer - not knowing whether he'd lie or not.

"It was Orochimaru," he replied casually, reaching for another plate.

"Oh..." I said, feigning disinterest. "What did he want?"

"Nothing important," Itachi said. "He will see you at work tomorrow, Sasuke-kun."

That night, when I finally managed to get in the bathroom (it stinks of the whole bottle of Happy Hippy shower gel Itachi used on himself) I sneaked my mobile phone in with me. I texted the boss to let him know my brother has gone psycho.

It said:

"Itachi saw you grope me on the podium and doesn't approve. I know you came round earlier, but he locked me in the kitchen. He won't let you near me in case you molest me or something. Bit late for that, I know, lol. Text back soon. Will have to delete your reply in case he reads it.

Sasuke  
xxx."

Within seconds, I had a reply from the boss:

"I knew there was something going on. Don't worry. We'll find a way round it. Thank you for letting me know.

Oro  
x"

Before I emerged from the bathroom, I deleted the boss's reply and my sent message and secreted the phone about my person. It was a good thing too, as Itachi was standing outside in the hallway waiting for me with a cup of tea - and I think I'm going to have to cut this entry short, as he's coming over, wanting to know what I'm up to.

It is official. I now know why Itachi got the job at Akatsuki...

He is batshit insane.

* * *

Aloha, dudes! 

Hope this chapter was better than the last. The last one was very much a transition chapter, and I couldn't think of what to do, so it wasn't so good. I had a funny feeling about it, too. Ah well. Had to get it out of the way. Everything's building up now, though. Not long until the trial. And if you're wondering about Kabuto - don't worry. He has plans...

Thanks for sticking with this work of weirdness, guys. It's really good of you. I'd like to mention, in particular, those who left reviews for the last chapter: Ayatsuji (I've never read Prince of Tennis, but it sounds like fun!), Riana1 (neat-freak does fit him, doesn't it? XD), danni quinn (you saw through the transition, damn you! XD), qwertumz (yes, Itachi is incredibly scary, more so now), nodaaaaaa (cheers for the compliment. High praise, indeed! -), eerabbit (it's freaky when art mimics life to such an extent. I still really want some mint-choc chip ice cream), Simple-Minded Idiot (I strongly believe your monicker is false advertising. Also, I was intrigued by Iron Chef and looked it up on YouTube. Now I only wish I could get a hold of the Battle Natto episode...), ArilianaFireQueen (I love it when people tell me I've made a character one of their faves. Makes me fuzzy inside. And you really will need to save Sasuke from Itachi now - if he lets you near him, that is. In his eyes, you might be a molestation candidate...), Sakonster (If you're not careful, eating too much of Suigetsu's sundae will make your eyes look like that, lol), and fiore777 (you always pick up on the bits I like best myself... XD).

Take care guys. :-)


	13. Chapter 13

A Day in the Life

November 13th

The boss and I have come up with a most fantastic plan, combining two wonderful things into one excellent whole: avoiding Itachi _and_ a dirty weekend away from the office. I got the card through the mail from the outpatients' department at Konoha Hospital, reminding me that I am due to have my cast removed (about time - I'm at the point of ramming knitting needles down the thumbhole to scratch multiple itches). Of course, I could easily have Kabuto do it, but why not use the excuse to get away from Itachi?

The boss and I discussed all this at the water cooler in secret at a rare opportune moment while Itachi had nipped to the toilet. Even arranging this was something of a trial, as Itachi also appears to possess a bladder of iron. The boss has been handing him cup after cup after cup of tea all day, trying to get him to fuck off to the john so we could speak to one another, but it took him five hours to crack. Five hours! While Itachi was otherwise engaged, the boss suggested that we travel separately to Konoha to avoid suspicion. Thus the boss will fly there in his private jet, and I have a chartered flight booked for me leaving half an hour earlier.

I pointed out that as soon Itachi sees me packing, he'll be online and booking a seat right next to me and asking all sorts of probing questions. The boss said he'd deal with it, and sure enough, he kept Itachi behind after I left work, asking him to help deal with a carefully constructed, pre-planned "problem" that had come up in the R&D department. When I got back to my apartment, there was a note on my door in the boss's handwriting, stuck there apparently by an underling:

"Your cases are waiting for you in reception. Get your arse down there right now and be ready to leave."

Have I ever mentioned that I find the boss's deviousness incredibly attractive?

I grinned like a lunatic and tore along to reception after having dashed off a quick note to Itachi, letting him know where I was going and why (leaving out the dirty weekend part, of course). Five minutes later, the boss showed up, sporting much the same facial expression. Everything had gone to plan. His car and chauffeur were waiting outside and after our luggage was secure in the trunk, we leapt into the car and sped away to the airport. Success!

I parted with the boss at gate 69 (yes, the standard jokes _were_ made, along with a kinky promise from the boss to make it a reality later on tonight) and I spent the hour's flight with my eye mask on, doped up on sedatives while listening to relaxing music. The prospect of a weekend _away_ from Itachi helped the relaxation process along immensely. Thus, when the plane finally touched down in Konoha airport I was feeling rather chipper, and when the boss showed up with his luggage, I moved myself into step right beside him and paid him back for the press conference arse-squeeze by giving him a subtle and well-executed grope of my own.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Sasuke-kun," the boss murmured in my ear in a playful undertone. "I have not had a good, hard shag for six days now, and I am on the verge of tearing off all your clothes and having my way with you right here and now in a public terminal. Patience, as you know, is not my strong point."

It is official. The boss cannot resist me. I'm his crack cocaine, and he is well and truly addicted. It's not really surprising, though, and I don't blame him. I am the better-looking Uchiha, after all...

There followed a rather steamy car ride along to the hotel, which involved lots of kissing and even more inappropriate groping behind the tinted glass. Muffling the sex noises was something of a chore, so it was a relief to finally have the keys to the room. Needless to say, after that, we quickly made up for lost time, and by the end of our frantic, marathon session, neither of us could do anything much else but lie there and grin vaguely. It's fair to say that we were both a little dazed.

We watched TV for a while in bed. Who Wants to be a Millionaire? was the only thing on worth watching, and I was rather surprised to see that Haku, former PA (and glorified tea boy) of Momochi Zabuza of Gato Shipping Ltd., was presenting. The boss seemed to know him, too - and because Haku is rather pretty and because I know the boss only too well, I asked him exactly how he knew Haku. The boss said he'd met him while on a business trip to Gato Shipping with the intent to lure Kimimaro away to Otogakure Enterprises. Back then, Gato Shipping had just been bought over by Konoha-Suna Corp. and some of the high-rankers had been paid off. Zabuza, it turned out, was one of them, and it seems he had taken his PA along with him on his new business venture. It seems the man has done rather well for himself, managing to claw his way up to Director General of the Mikatsuhikata Media empire. It also seems to be the case that he likes to play favourites.

When we were done watching Haku and shouting answers at the screen (the imbecile gambled and went for the wrong answer and lost seven-hundred and forty-thousand yen), the boss suggested we go out for something to eat. I heartily agreed with him, as I was absolutely starving after the sustained sexual acrobatics.

It was not long after we hit the streets that we started arguing over where we were going to eat. The boss wanted to go to a Kaiseki restaurant, but I just wanted ramen. I ended up getting my way because our argument escalated into a shouting match just outside Ichiraku Ramen, and it just so happened that Jiraiya was there with Naruto and Kakashi and he heard us and called us over. All three were slightly tipsy. Naruto charged at me again when he caught sight of me with tears of happiness in his eyes. He almost knocked me over again, but the boss caught him mid-lunge and spun him round, setting him down on his feet. Deprived of Uchiha, Naruto instead resorted to bear-hugging the boss and, strangely, I had to resist the overwhelming urge to slap him purple. I'm not sure whether this was due to a twinge of jealousy or out of a desire to prevent him from making a drunken arse of himself. I may have to mull over that one later.

During the meal, Jiraiya mentioned that they were all going out to Club Fun Fun on

Fun Fun Street later and asked whether we'd like to join them. The boss and I weren't too keen at first, but both Naruto and Jiraiya sustained a relentless campaign of pestering utilising the tried-and-tested formulae of repeated pleas, emotional blackmail and threats of physical violence, until, exasperated, we gave in and said we'd go.

As a result, I am back at the hotel with the boss, getting ready for a night out on the tiles. The anonymous underling who packed my case appears to have included a new, white kimono which I do not remember having possessed until now. I must remember to ask the boss about that one. All things considered, it's really rather flash, and it fits me perfectly, so I'm definitely wearing it. I just hope no one sees fit to dance into me and spill anything over it, because I'll have to punch them if they do.

LATER:

The boss and I are huddled under the covers in bed in the hotel room. This is because about halfway through, our night out at Club Fun Fun suddenly took a turn for the sinister. I suppose I should start at the beginning, because even I'm having trouble believing this and my life is a constant barrage of the bizarre.

Well, the boss and I were a little delayed in getting there in the first place because we succumbed to the overwhelming need to remove each others' clothes and partake in a spate pre-club nefariousness. It was our dirty weekend, after all, why waste it? By the time we had re-dressed and had sworn solemn oaths not to let our hands wander at least until we reached the club, it was around midnight. The boss phoned for a driver and we arrived at Club Fun Fun without further incident.

The place was absolutely horrendous; and when we were greeted with the expansive, flashing neon sign, complete with curly, palm tree outlines and top-heavy girls kissing, the boss and I both looked at each other with trepidation. Cheesy, electronic music was thumping so hard that the ground underfoot was vibrating, and well-endowed, giggling girls dressed in revealing bunny suits (watched over by three burly bouncers) waved and smiled at those entering the dark, gaping and unsettlingly moist maw of the sordid establishment. Despite this, the place was queued out the door and potential customers were being turned away left, right and centre.

I think we both considered turning back at that point, but then the boss received a text from Jiraiya. It said, "whore r u?" Correcting the horrid spelling and translating the contents from textspeak into proper English, we realised there was no turning back, that we were here now, and that we'd just have to go in and get wrecked to make up for it.

Since the boss doesn't do queues, we went straight to the front of the line. It turned out Jiraiya had added us to the guest list and two buxom bunny-eared

women escorted us to our booth.

Inside was, if possible, even more hellish than outside. Hundreds of scantily-clad patrons crowded the retro, multi-coloured, flashing dance floor, gyrating and sweating and busting all sorts of moves - some of them definitely R rated. It was like Saturday Night Fever, but with monstrous disco balls, UV, smoke machines and laser lights. Pole dancers plied their trade on raised platforms and male strippers teased on podiums to the tune of the Vengaboys, the Pet Shop Boys, remixed Backstreet Boys and, seemingly, numerous other bands on the theme of the word "boys".

There was no one at the booth when the boss and I arrived, though there were lots of empty glasses, so we got one of our bunny girls to take our drinks order. Our initial attempts at conversation went something like this:

The Boss: "Sasuke-kun!"

Me: "WHAT?"

The Boss: "SASUKE-KUN!!"

Me: "YES?"

The Boss: "HAVE YOU SEEN wizzle wizzle wizzle?"

Me: "WHAT?"

The Boss: "WHAT?"

Me: "WHAT?"

The Boss: "HAVE. YOU. SEEN. JIRAIYA?"

Me: "SORRY! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

The Boss: "NEVER MIND, THEN!"

Me: "WHAT?"

The Boss: "I SAID NEVERMIND!"

Me: "WHAT?"

After that, we decided just to cut our losses and initiate some lip-action, as I am far too cool to dance. But just when things were just getting interesting, I heard an ominous howl of enthusiasm coming from over my left shoulder.

"SASUKE!! SASUKE, SASUKE, SASUKE!!! IT'S DANCING TIME, YEAH!!!"

The next thing I knew, I was being dragged bodily down the steps and onto the epileptic-fit-inducing dance floor by a half-crazed Naruto. He had already lost his shirt and he was wearing a pair of lurid, orange cut-offs, one trainer and blue, strobing sunshades. He was grinning at me in a way that left me in no doubt about what he expected me to do.

Surrounded by a swarm of raving ravers, I had no choice, therefore, but to dance. Now, I don't normally do dancing, but when I do, I like to do it properly. It's an Uchiha thing. So I started pulling a few shapes, Naruto joined in, and a small crowd began to gather around us. The music was pounding and, against all odds, I was actually rather enjoying myself. I pulled off a rather spectacular knee drop followed by a moonwalk and actually got applause. Naruto, though his technique is not at all satisfactory, makes up for what he lacks in that area with manic enthusiasm. The crowd loved his funky chicken too. Then, to put the icing on the cake and complete the Saturday Night Fever atmosphere, "You should be dancing" by the Bee Gees came blasting through the huge speakers. When Kakashi leapt in, also strangely shirtless, and performed a textbook head spin, the crowd went wild.

After that, people started buying us drinks. I don't know what they were, but the contents were greenish in colour. At some point the proceedings, I believe a random, slavering clubber attempted to divest me of my clothing because I ended up staggering about "shirtless" looking for the boss, with the top half of my kimono hanging about my waist, my body completely exposed to the fetid, saturated air of Club Fun Fun.

I found him at the VIP bar with Jiraiya, surrounded by a veritable sea of empty champagne glasses. The boss had managed to remain "shirted". Jiraiya, however, had not. As soon as the boss clapped eyes on me, he grabbed me and gave me a thorough kissing, so much so that other random clubbers began to giggle and point at our licentious display. He was, as I feared, a tad inebriated. Apparently, he had been watching me dancing and was keen to "get me back to the hotel for a private viewing". How much sex does this man need? Honestly. I'm seriously beginning to think he has a medical condition. Nymphomania, I believe is the term?

Luckily - and I mean this most sincerely - I agreed to this plan and the boss and Jiraiya wandered off to the gents, swaying slightly. It was then that I chanced to glance at the dance floor...

I actually screamed when I spotted Itachi. Like a girl. I was frozen solid for a moment, but when he looked up in the direction of the VIP bar, I hit the floor out of sheer terror and crawled frantically over the sticky floor to the men's room on my hands and knees, wading through discarded plastic cups and cigarette butts. I had to tell the boss. If he saw us together, I would be done for.

As soon as I managed to get inside, taking the last few paces at a run and sending the doors swinging on their hinges in my wake, I sent Naruto and Kakashi a frantic, desperation text:

"If someone claiming to be my brother, or anyone for that matter, asks you if you've seen me with Orochimaru - TELL THEM NO. I will buy you drinks for ever and ever for the rest of eternity if you do this. This is serious. Sasuke."

At length, the boss emerged from a cubicle (he will not pee in front of anyone) and was rather confused to find me on the floor, legs splayed, huddled up to one of the urinals, muttering to myself and texting like a man possessed.

"Sasuke-kun...?" he began warily before I sprang to my feet, grabbed the collar of his kimono, shaking him and screaming in his face, "ITACHI'S HERE! HE'S FOLLOWED ME, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, AND HE'S GOING TO MURDER ME WHEN HE FINDS OUT I'M HERE WITH YOU!"

The boss sobered up remarkably quickly after that. I don't think even he suspected the extent of Itachi's relentless, terminator-style determination. Jiraiya heard my momentary lapse into hysteria from the pungent depths of his cubicle (though I don't think he could have helped it - my shrieks were admittedly on the piercing side) and suggested between heaves that we make a swift exit via the back door. Straightaway, the boss began to call his driver and asked Jiraiya if he would be alright.

"I-I'll... ugh... fuck it... man alive... I'll... I'll be fine, Oro," he managed to choke out. "Just get yourselves the hell outta here before something kicks off."

We hid in the gents' for five minutes until the boss's driver called back to tell us he was waiting outside the back door. There followed a mad dash downstairs, involving much slipping, sliding, cursing and forceful use of elbows and shoulders by the boss, and we hit the fire-escape at a run. Our getaway car was there, the engine rumbling and ready to go, and we threw ourselves inside, not knowing whether Itachi's eagle-eyes had spotted us on the way.

"Drive!" the boss commanded, and we sped away to the hotel. We had to duck as we drove past the front of the club because I spotted Itachi standing outside, scanning the faces milling around in Fun Fun street, no doubt searching keenly for two familiar and particular guilty faces. We screeched to a halt at the hotel and, believing ourselves to be out of danger, wished to relax a little. The boss suggested a stiff drink and I was inclined to agree with him. Halfway to the bar, however, I received a text from Kakashi that sent us sprinting back up to our room, our drinks lying untouched - all dignity and poise forgotten. It said:

"Heads up. Your brother's staying at your boss's hotel and he's heading back there right now. He asked us whether we'd seen you or Orochimaru. Never said a thing. You and Oro owe us drinks for the rest of eternity. Kakashi. PS - where is Jiraiya?"

Hence the fact that we're now in the hotel room huddled together under the covers watching TV with the volume turned down, eating the Toblerone and the peanuts from the minibar.

Itachi has single-handedly ruined my sex life.

This will not do.

* * *

Cheers for all the reviews, guys. I'm still having fun writing this - can you believe it? This is the longest I've ever stuck at a fic. Thanks, in particular, go out to everyone who left reviews for the last chapter: **missyserena214** (you're probably right, though for some odd reason, in canon, I can't even imagine Itachi having a girlfriend. He'd be all cold and distant like Sasuke), **Ayatsuji** (cheers very much! I must confess when I thought of Itachi being psychotically protective, I had a small snigger to myself. He never does things by half), **Alix** (you know, you're not the first person to tell me that about the characters in this rampantly surreal and AU story. I really don't know how it happened. It just did. I guess I'm normally a stickler for canon, so that trait was passed on - though I definitely did set out to portray a spoiled brat Orochimaru!), **eerabbit** (even I don't want to think about what Itachi would do if he caught them red-handed. It would be spectacular, no doubt about it), **Ooh.look.A.Giant.Hippy** (I'm with you on the sundae issue. I cracked and actually went shopping this morning specially for ice cream and sweets and sauce to decorate it with!), **danni quinn** (I watched Loveless. All twelve episodes. And Soubi? Can I say "yum?" Oh yes. I think I can), **fiore777** (I have just spotted your latest Oro one-shot. Must read and review! Glad you liked the chapter - and I didn't even pick up on the Kabuto thing, either! Good eye), **qwertumz** (lol, this fic is so off the charts that I think anyone would come round to the Oro/Sasu thing - and they will find a way around it - even after the Club Fun Fun episode!), **Riana1** (thank god, indeed. Can you even imagine Itachi with a girlfriend? She'd need to be pretty cool with getting no affection and dealing with him hanging around with Kisame for extended periods of time), **Simple-Minded Idiot** (self-mockery is always a good thing, I think. Keeps your feet on the ground. :-) I'm thinking Oro is addicted to the old skin-on-skin action. He's the head of the company. It gets pretty lonely at the top. And you're quite right. It is"Rubik's". Will fix that later), **ArilianaFireQueen** (I'm in agreement with the Random Person - Itachi will definitely consider you a molestation candidate. Best tread carefully around Sasuke. Good luck with getting those grades up!), and **maenad** (thanks for the review! It's amazing how other people think that my portrayal of the characters isn't that OOC. It still boggles my mind slightly. XD) 

Thanks again to everyone who has left a review so far. Hope you liked this installment!


	14. Chapter 14

A Day in the Life

November 14th

I am a bad person. The lowest of the low. The scummiest of scum. I have acquired an Aston Martin - a lifelong ambition - but I don't feel good about it.

Popped along to the hospital to have my cast removed this morning at ten past eleven. The boss and I agreed it would be safest if he stayed in the hotel room until I got back. This was most definitely a stroke of genius, as I received a text from Itachi just as I was about to leave, letting me know of his intentions of accompanying me to the hospital. I replied and said that would be fine, pretending to be surprised that he was in Konoha. It seems he has given up trying to catch us in the act and has fallen back on Plan A: keeping us apart at all costs.

When I arrived at the lobby, Itachi was already there, sitting cross-legged on the big, squashy sofas by the reception desk leafing through a six month old copy of _Cosmopolitan_. He had bought a car to use for the day and offered to give me a lift to the hospital. I said, "Thanks very much, Itachi, that's awfully kind of you" and we walked round to the car park.

"Where's your car?" I asked, looking around for a respectable-looking Herz hire.

"Over there," Itachi said, pointing to one of the most beautiful cars I have ever clapped eyes on.

It was an Aston Martin Vanquish - a truly stunning, _stunning_ work of art. While circling the vehicle in a daze, I openly drooled over the flawless design, the retractable wing-mirrors, and the tasteful, full-grain leather interior.

"You bought this _just_ for today?" I asked my brother incredulously.

Itachi smiled slightly and shrugged. "It was on order for someone else, but I offered over the odds. I needed a vehicle."

"What are you going to do with it when you go back to Akatsuki?" I said, marvelling at my brother's flippancy when it came to his finances.   
Itachi shrugged again and got in the car. I followed suit and when we were clear of the car park, Itachi floored it. Despite haring along the Konoha infrastructure at a frightening speed, because Itachi is a very careful and meticulous driver, we reached the hospital in very good time, suffering no physical trauma along the way.

Now, I don't mind admitting that I was a little apprehensive when I was called into the cast-removing room. Having never broken any bones prior, visions of lasers and hacksaws being manhandled by deviants posing as doctors danced through my head. Imagine my surprise when I encountered not a vile instrument of torture, but a rather funny little cross between a handheld blender and a pizza-cutter. The kindly, middle-aged nurse held my hand and cooed over me while her male colleague removed the cast by slicing the pizza cutter straight along, halving it in two.

As soon as the bandages were peeled away, an offensive odour wafted up to besiege my nostrils. I looked down to behold my newly-healed arm in all its stinky glory: flaking, incredibly hairy and smelling like Shikamaru's favourite trainers. Well... maybe not that bad. The smell of those things can choke a donkey. I wrinkled my nose in distaste, and the kindly nurse assured me that with a good scrub, things would be back to normal in no time. They fixed me up with a cotton sling and after telling me to gently exercise my arm, they sent me on my way.

Itachi was there waiting for me when I got out, reading the same issue of Cosmopolitan he had just put down at the hotel, though this one was a hospital copy and looked as though it had been repeatedly chewed on by several screaming children.

"Ready to go?" he asked.

"Absolutely!" I replied, rather cheerful despite my stinky arm. "Where to? You fancy something to eat?"

"I suppose so," Itachi said. "Where would you like to go?"

"Your call," I said, feeling generous.

This was a mistake, because we ended up at the dango stall getting natto and sweets. I'm more a savoury man, myself, but anything to keep Itachi away from the hotel for a while longer. We bought our food to take away, and we walked along to the public park and sat down by the duck pond to eat. Between the gentle stench of my brother's natto and rice and that of my less pungent arm, it's a wonder no one passed out. Itachi isn't the biggest talker, so we munched away in a companionable silence. I spotted a skater boarding along the path, travelling at a decent speed, so I threw out a stick in front of him and he went flying, headfirst, arms pinwheeling, into a thorn bush. Itachi laughed. I laughed. The skater's friend threw us a filthy look. We laughed at him too.

It occurred to me then that, against all odds, it is in fact possible for me to get along with my brother. This, of course, depends upon a) neither of us really speaking to one another b) not being placed in a competitive environment, and c) the presence of another to mock and bully. One of my fondest memories of Itachi is when we teamed up to take down his best friend, Shisui. I was but a little nipper at the time, full of the joys of life, and wished to make mischief. I planned to sabotage Shisui on his way home from buying groceries for his mum and hid behind a trash can to lay in wait. Itachi spotted me and asked what I was doing. I informed him of my diabolical scheme. He said, "Sounds like fun. I'll help you," and we took a trash can each.

When Shisui eventually rounded the corner, his hands full with carrier bags - god help him - I leapt out and grabbed him by the legs and Itachi tipped the trash can, overflowing with rancid garbage, over his head. Then we took sticks and started banging on the can, and when he was thoroughly disorientated, we tripped him up and rolled him along the street. By the time we had finished, Shusui was crying and covered in evil-smelling garbage juice. We never even got in trouble for it because Itachi forced him not to tell.

Thus, hazy-eyed and lost down memory lane, I began to feel not quite as ill-disposed towards my brother as is my wont. Memories of his recent bouts of almost psychotic protectiveness began to fade into the background and I even offered him my last dango ball which he graciously accepted.

For quite a while, we simply sat there in silence and watched the ducks gliding across the rippling surface of the lake. It was peaceful. It was relaxing. It was, dare I say it, almost enjoyable. Itachi had to ruin it all, though, by opening his mouth.

"Sasuke," he began, his chin resting on his knees, staring out across the water, "do you know how hard it is to be perfect all the time?"   
This seemingly harmless sentence was uttered in such a solemn and matter-of-fact manner that it caught me completely off guard. I felt my forehead wrinkle in puzzlement as I sought clarification as to whether my brother really was that arrogant.

"What do you mean?" I said.

"It's such a burden," Itachi replied tonelessly, picking up a stone and skimming it, aiming for and successfully concussing a passing duck. "Everyone expects so much from me. I'm practically running Akatsuki single-handed..." A long pause followed, then a complete change of tack as he felt compelled to add, turning to look me straight in the face, "You know why I'm doing this, Sasuke."

In the words of Ino Yamanaka: "Yah, like, duh!"

Of course, I did not actually say that. Instead, I opted for, "You thought the boss came with me, and you don't want me to be alone with him. Is that right?"

"That is exactly right," Itachi said gravely. "I'm thinking about your future, Sasuke. What would happen if he were to become bored with you? I'll tell you. You would be tossed aside like an old glove, you may be sure of that - and as a consequence, your career and your prospects would suffer greatly."

Suddenly, visions of Kabuto - desperate, pathetic and homicidally jealous - swam in front of my mind's eye. What if the boss got bored with me? What if he had become bored of that Kimimaro guy and tossed him out on his ear? Would I end up the same way? Most importantly, if he drafted someone in to replace me - would I end up like Kabuto?

"I want to protect you from that Sasuke," Itachi went on, and he rustled around in his rucksack, unearthing the keys to the Aston Martin. He looked me straight in the eye, fixing me with an intimidatingly intense gaze, and said, "You may have the car if you promise me one thing."

"W-what's that?" I asked, even though I knew fine well what was coming.

"That you swear to me you are not seeing Orochimaru."

Now, it wasn't that I was setting out to lie to my brother or anything. It's more that I was terrified of how he might react if I admitted that not only was I seeing the boss, but that I had been for over a month now and that he was probably waiting for me at the hotel right at that moment with intent to molest as soon as I stepped foot through the door. The pressure I was under - it was immense. Itachi was blackmailing me, pure and simple. You might understand, then, why I did what I did.

I said to my brother, unflinching, "I swear to god, Itachi... I am not seeing Orochimaru."

Itachi surveyed my face for a prolonged moment, no doubt checking for any visible signs of deceit. Despite the fact that I was about to break into a cold sweat, he appeared to find none, as he smiled at me a few seconds later and tossed the keys at me. "Would you mind giving me a ride back to the hotel then, Sasuke?" he asked. "It's quite a bit away and I don't fancy walking."

"Sure!" I squeaked, the guilt already consuming me from within.

Itachi was fairly cheerful (by his standards) on the way back to the hotel. I think he has fallen for my horrendous lie hook, line and sinker. This ensured that I did not enjoy one minute of my first time in the heavenly Aston Martin. My newfound affection towards my brother evaporated in an instant. I wanted to punch him for putting me in this position and making me feel this way.

Eventually, we wandered back into the lobby. This was when everything started to go horribly wrong. In a misguided attempt to remain calm and make cheerful conversation, I asked Itachi, "So, what are your plans for tonight then?"

"Nothing much," he said. "My flight back to Otogakure leaves in a few hours. We could always go up to your room for a bit and sit."

Oh. Holy. Fuck.

A black cloud of dread and despair descended upon me. The boss was up there. Now, it was certain. Itachi would see straight through my lie and the result of that would be two shallow, unmarked graves found by a random dog walker two weeks hence on the outskirts of the Forest of Death.

"Err... what's wrong with your room?" I said thickly as my throat started closing up (probably anticipating my imminent death by asphyxiation).

Itachi fixed me with a calculating look. "Well, I assume since you are Orochimaru's personal assistant, he would at least supply you with an acceptable suite. I wish to spend my last few hours in Konoha in comparative comfort, and your room will doubtless be better suited for this purpose than mine. Is there a problem with that?"

"No, no, no! Of course not. Not at all," I shrieked, on the verge of hysteria as I fumbled around for the keycard. "It's on the top floor. We'll have to take the elevator."

And so I broke a new personal record for "Longest and Most Awkward Elevator Ride". The muzak did nothing to calm me in the face of imminent doom as I rocked and forth on my heels, whistling a manic little ditty. Itachi was cool as a cucumber and about as readable. I think I must have also set a new precedent for "Longest and Most Awkward Walk Down a Hotel Corridor." By the time I was faced with the dread portal that was once the nondescript hotel room door, my heart was pounding and my palms were sweating like mad - so much so that I had difficulty getting the keycard to work.

"Sasuke, you're doing it too quickly," Itachi intoned.

Then it occurred to me.

I was not doomed yet. The innocent, little keycard held the key to my salvation (no pun intended). I now had a chance to at least warn the boss that Itachi was here...

"Oh dear!" I exclaimed deliberately and a little too loudly, slapping my forehead. "This keycard doesn't seem to be working! Perhaps you'd like to try, _Itachi_...?"

"Give it here then," he said as he deftly plucked the card from my hand, deactivating the lock in one swipe.

The door swung open. I closed my eyes as I felt Itachi brush past me. A few intensely nerve-wracking seconds passed and then...

"My, my, Sasuke. This _is_ a nice room. Aren't you coming in?"

I sagged with relief and silently thanked whichever deity was watching over me. The boss had either heard me and had hidden himself away, or he had left the room at some indeterminate point earlier on in the day. Either way, I was saved, and I ironed my face, stood up straight, put on a smile and poured Itachi a glass of orange juice from the minibar. I handed him the boss's Big Book o' Existentialism and steered him firmly towards the balcony because my arm was starting to itch again and I was aching for a nice, hot shower.

When Itachi was firmly ensconced in the boss's big comfy chair on the balcony, I went back inside and headed straight for the towel cupboard. I had to bite back a scream when I saw the boss hiding inside it. He said nothing, but handed me a towel, smiling a very ominous smile that said, "You will be in _so_ much trouble when I get you alone." Then he pulled the door shut and I was left to totter over to the bathroom, clutching at my chest. I swear all this constant terror is not good for my health. If it's not Itachi, it's the boss - and if it's not the boss, it's Itachi. I should seriously consider jacking in all this corporate stuff and rent out a little shack in Kirigakure and fish for a living instead. It's how Kisame started out, after all.

I had my shower (did not enjoy it one bit because I kept having to peek my head out the door in case Itachi came inside) and I spent the rest of the few hours gazing at Hokage mountain and watching Itachi read. Eventually, Itachi laid down the book and announced that he would be leaving to catch his plane. I have never felt so relieved in my life. Before he left to pack, he grabbed my shoulder as I was showing him out, right in front of the towel cupboard, and repeated his solemn conditions. "Sasuke, you must not see Orochimaru. I am doing this for your own good. You know what I am saying is true..."

I could only imagine what the boss must have been thinking in there, but I managed to crack a weak smile in return. "Of course, Itachi. I know it is."

He smiled at me approvingly and then he left. As soon as the door had shut behind him, I slumped against it and slid to the floor, a nervous wreck. I heard the boss whisper from the towel cupboard, "Is he gone?" When I replied that, yes, Itachi was gone, he emerged from his hidey-hole massaging his neck.

"Honestly, Sasuke-kun," he snapped, "that is quite possibly the stupidest thing you have done yet. What on earth possessed you to invite him here? I don't know what influence you are working under, but it certainly is not—"

At that point, something inside me snapped. My mind and emotions were in turmoil. My heart was fluttering and I felt sick. There was no way in hell I could have dealt with a strop from the boss on top of everything else. So, in the middle of his rant, I calmly stood up, ignoring him completely - even when he followed me into the bedroom, shouting at me even more for doing so - picked up my laptop and locked myself in the bathroom. He tried shouting at me through the door for a while, but he seems to have given up now and gone to bed.

I need time to think.

I keep thinking about Kimimaro and Kabuto.

What if Itachi is right? What if I am just another notch in his bedpost. I don't think I could take that...

November 15th

I ended up falling asleep in the big, round Jacuzzi bath with my mouth open and my laptop sitting beside me. Woke up to find the boss perched on the edge of the tub, looking down at me with his arms folded in his lap. I jumped when I saw him and scrabbled backwards, almost crushing my computer in the process.

"How did you—?"

"I picked the lock, Sasuke-kun," the boss answered.

"Oh..." I said, somewhat lamely as I folded my knees into my chest and hugged them. I chose to stare at my feet - anything so I wouldn't have to look the boss in the eye.

"Sasuke-kun," he began, "I know you don't like me doing it, since you have clearly managed to persuade Amachi to install hide folders software, but I must confess that I perused your latest journal entry while you slept."

I said nothing. I couldn't have, even if I'd wanted to. He knew everything now, anyway, so what was the point?

"I was going to leave you a message, but I felt it would be more courteous to tell you in person..."

I flinched as I felt him lean over and kiss the top of my head.

"You are not just another notch in my bedpost, Sasuke-kun," he whispered. "Admittedly, yes, I may be promiscuous - but I am _exclusively_ promiscuous. Kimimaro-kun left me - it was not the other way around. And as for Kabuto? Well, yes, he is attractive enough in his own way, but he is not the one for me, and I think he knows that..."

My heart was pounding, and butterflies had made a rather grand entrance into my life, fluttering and flitting about in my stomach, causing me serious grief. I had totally frozen up. I couldn't speak. Was the boss actually telling me he loved me? No... It couldn't be that. He wouldn't say it. He would never say it... but maybe... just maybe?

His hand caressed my cheek briefly - a glancing, gentle touch - before he rose and paced to the door. He halted by the doorframe and rested his hand upon it. "Sasuke-kun," he said, with his back to me, "your brother is wrong. I would never toss you aside like an old glove. You are the one who cares whether Itachi discovers our liaison - not I. Personally, I would much prefer it out in the open. It doesn't affect me at all..."

It was then that I realised. The boss really didn't give a shit about Itachi. He was doing all of this for me.

"Whatever you decide to do, I will not attempt to stop you, but..." he added, "if you are the sort of person who would value a car over and above any sort of meaningful relationship, then I do not believe you deserve to be happy."

And then he left, shutting the door behind him with a quiet click.

For a while, I just sat there in the hot tub, completely and utterly stunned. It may sound shallow or cruel to say this, but I had no idea the boss had... well... _feelings_. Ever since I've known him he's always been impatient, demanding, spoiled, fickle, vain, capricious, arrogant and sometimes downright vicious, but never...

I can't even say it. I've tried typing it three times. It looks wrong on paper. It's just wrong, period. The boss is never like this...

Is he?

LATER: I am on the couch, typing this up and having a cuddle with the boss. He's watching Millionaire again. That show seems to have really taken off. Zabuza and Haku will be rolling in it, no doubt.

I expect you're wondering just how I managed to bring about this blissful image of reconciliation. Well, let's just say it involved several boxes of tissues and lots of embarrassing snivelling on my part.

I had sat in the bathroom for another half an hour after that, thinking about what the boss had said to me, and it dawned that I would willingly crush the Aston Martin into a thousand tiny pieces rather than let the boss get away from me. This was somewhat surprising, as I really, really, _really_ love Aston Martins. Logically, it followed, therefore, that I must like the boss more.

Having realised this, I leapt from the Jacuzzi and burst out into the hallway. I entered the living area at a run to find the boss curled up on the sofa, reading the book Itachi had put down only a short time ago. He looked round when he saw me.

Once again, I completely froze. I shuddered to a halt and just stood there in front of him, shuffling my feet and looking sheepish.

"Come here, Sasuke-kun," the boss said quietly, opening his arms up as if to receive me.

I shuffled over to the sofa, and as soon as I sat down, I felt his arms close around me and I burst into tears. I know, I know. I am not proud of it, but there you are. I managed to choke out a few garbled confessions in between sobs, along the lines of, "I'm s-sorry... I-I really do like you... I mean, y-you're really funny and clever and you make me laugh - and you have a fantastic arse... I mean... I-I wish Itachi had never... God, I want to fucking punch him..."

The boss tried his best to be comforting, but that's one thing he's not really very good at. "Sasuke-kun," he said, stroking my hair, "I know you are upset but please stop crying. It does not become you, and you are making my kimono damp."

I sniffed, wiped my eyes and punched him hard on the shoulder. Completely unfazed, the boss smiled at me and kissed me. It was a nice kiss. I believe I shall remember it for a long time to come.

We had a discussion after that. The long and short of it was that the boss has agreed that we should keep our relationship secret from Itachi for my sake. Despite my renewed affection for the boss, the thought of Itachi finding out will still be the source of many a terrifying nightmare. It gives me the shakes just thinking about it. Especially now that I have in my possession an Aston Martin that technically does not belong to me.

All things considered, things have turned out rather well. Or, more accurately, things could have turned out so, so, _so_ much worse. We're flying back to Otogakure tomorrow morning - in separate planes again - and work on my defence will begin in earnest. From what the boss was saying, it seems like I'll be rehearsing conversations and learning lines.

Ah well. Better cut this short. Things are getting interesting on Millionaire. I think the boss and I may just be witnesses to the first ever ten-million Yen prize-winner. After that, I plan to pounce. It is our dirty weekend, after all...

Will write later!

* * *

Phew! I think that chapter was a long one - possibly the longest yet. Though I must say... Poor, little Sasuke-kun. Orochimaru and Itachi are both fighting for him, pulling him one way and the other. He's all messed up.

On other news... thank you so much to everyone who has ever left a review for this story. A Day in the Life has officially pushed the one-hundred mark, and I have no one else to thank but you guys. You are all too cool. Really. I'm thinking about penning a one-off missing moment to say thanks, but I haven't decided which one to do yet.

Thanks must also go out to those who left reviews for the last chapter: **redjjojin** (thanks very much for the comment - it entertains me, too, because it's such a fun thing to write!), **Raspedra Twilight** (don't worry about being late - it's nice just to know you're still reading. I love the concept of Itachi being overprotective, too. Makes me snigger something awful. He's quite the manipulator, though. I wouldn't mess with him), **Simple-Minded Idiot** (the trial is still going ahead and it's scheduled for November 23rd. Things will happen then, I promise you. Once again, you are quite right. I should have realised 'nymphomania' was reserved for women, with the whole 'nymph' aspect being quite the give-away. You made me track down the male equivalent, though: satyriasis. Obvious again, etymologically, but it doesn't have the same ring to it. You learn something new everyday, though!), **ArilianaFireQueen** (lol, Minnesota... made me chuckle, that did. You could perhaps pursue Sasuke, though you may eventually come up against the dreaded Aston Martin. If you could beat Itachi to supplying Sasuke with said vehicle, however, you'd be laughing!), **danni quinn** (Sasuke and Oro are in the clear - for now... Make of that what you will), **Alix** (your review did verily make me snort with laugher. I, the destroyer of Itachi's street cred? What a fantastic title! I shall use it with impunity. Alas, however, there is no fund to replace damaged computers. Perhaps it's best if one is set up. I don't think I could afford to go to court for multiple small-damages cases. Kakashi definitely still has his Sharingan. As you say - how else could he pull off such righteous moves?), **Sakonster** (Yup. I'm agreeing with you there. Itachi is pretty insane. XD Or maybe it's more a case of him being so incredibly sane that he has passed beyond and out through the other side - becoming the epitome of cold, efficient, android-like sanity?) **OOH.look.A.Giant.Hippy** (lol, pissed for the first time? Excellent, excellent. You must always make sure that there's someone to hold your hair back when you're feeling a little worse for wear. That is my one piece of advice), and **Ironic** (Yay! I have another reader. There's always room for more! Happy dance! Well, there's a lot more Sasuke-related swoonage going on in this chapter - and quite a lot more drama too. Sasuke's life is so messed up! Poor thing.)

Oh... one more thing...

OMG WTF KABUTO!?! (If you don't know... read chapter 356).


	15. Chapter 15

A Day in the Life

November 17th

One week till the trial. The countdown begins in earnest. Do I feel sick? Yes. I most certainly do.

Itachi is still here. He's in the bathroom and has been for over an hour. I still have no idea what he does in there.

Had my first real meeting concerning the trial with everyone present last night at the boss's house. Itachi, Kabuto, Lee and Gai were there, and, of course, the boss.

It was scary stuff. While we were all sitting around the dining table, Kabuto explained the specifics. Apparently, I am being charged on an indictment with assault occasioning ABH (or Actual Bodily Harm). Not being well-versed in legalese, I had to seek clarification as to what the acronym meant. Kabuto rolled his eyes and made great show of his exasperation at my not being able to keep up intellectually. It was all I could do not to whip his stupid specs off his smug face and step on them.

Gai and Lee had been liaising with the prosecution and had attempted to bring about a lesser charge of common assault. Their gallant attempt proved to be unsuccessful, as the prosecution (under the command of one Mitarashi Anko) reminded them that the distinction between common and ABH lay in the necessity of medical treatment. Since Jin, 24, from Konoha's injuries included:

a) a temporary loss of sensory function, including loss of consciousness

and

b) a displaced, broken nose

it meant that I was to be brought under the more severe charge of ABH. Mitarashi even had the audacity to press for GBH (I know what _that_ stands for, and I told Kabuto so - beating him at his own eye rolling game) but since they lacked proof of intent, she was forced to back down.

I have been handed a forty page book with lines to learn and scenarios to memorise. These range from the no-brainers to the utterly off-the-wall ridiculous. Some examples of the no-brainers:

The judge will ask you, "How do you plead?" You should answer calmly, "Not guilty."

You will be required to place your hand upon a copy of the Lotus Sutra. You will be asked, "Do you swear by the Almighty Buddha to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" You should answer calmly, "I swear by the Almighty Buddha to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth."

Some examples of the off-the-wall ridiculous:

If you are asked whether you have ever indulged in ritual violence as a member of the outlawed cult of Jashin - by no means should you answer in the affirmative.

If you are asked whether you have associates belonging to the world of organised crime, having participated in kidnapping and/or bounty-hunting - by no means should you answer in the affirmative.

If you are asked whether you have contact with an individual/individuals under suspicion of arson or bombing crimes - by no means should you answer in the affirmative.

If asked whether you associate, or have ever associated, with individuals who are under suspicion of first-degree murder, cannibalism or illegal genetic experimentation in direct violation of the Konoha Treaty - by no means should you answer in the affirmative.

Honestly. Those are just nuts. I think Kabuto is being a _little_ over-cautious...

November 18th

I don't think I'll ever be able to get in the bathroom again.

Suigetsu, another one who spends hours in the tub, has come over here to use mine. This is because he was victim to a rather embarrassing bath-related incident the other night while I was learning my lines and being interrogated. The baths in the apartments on this level of the complex are all rather nice, elegant jobs, with proper, old-fashioned gold taps. Suigetsu, being almost terminally stupid, decided that while he was in the bath, it would be a wonderful idea to see how far he could push his big toe up into the tap. Needless to say, when he wished to retrieve the offending digit from the inner-workings of the tap, he found, to his surprise, that he could not. Adding to his predicament was the fact that he had used the hot water last to top up the bath, and a trickle of steaming-hot liquid began to besiege his poor, stuck toe.

After much yelling, thrashing and screaming for help, Karin finally heard him. They ended up having to call two blokes from maintenance to remove the toe from the tap. This was done with the aid of a large pair of sheet metal cutters and some axle grease.

Therefore, while Suigetsu awaits replacement taps, he is using my bath. Under different circumstances, I would simply nip over to the boss's house and take a shower if my bathroom happened to become overcrowded, but, alas, Itachi is still here (and using the bathroom).

I won't be at all surprised if a fight breaks out over the last bottle of Pantene Sleek n' Smooth conditioner. There has already been tension regarding Suigetsu's alleged use of Itachi's Happy Hippy shower gel (Suigetsu vociferously denies this).

November 19th

No bathroom fights as of yet, however Itachi and Suigetsu are both being suspiciously polite to one another. We have run out of Pantene Sleek n' Smooth. I shall have to keep a close watch on them in case violence erupts. I know what my brother is like.

Nothing astounding to report today, other than the boss taking the opportunity to smooch the face off me while Itachi went to the loo. We only spotted him coming back at the last second (my brother walks like a cat) and the boss knocked over a plant pot as a result of a mad dash toward the safety of his office.

The boss disappeared into his office just as Itachi came in. My brother raised an eyebrow, looked at the office door, then looked at me because both of us could clearly hear the boss laughing hysterically inside. I had resumed my innocent "I am filing" position and shrugged, feigning ignorance. Itachi knocked on the door and peeked his head in to find the boss lying on the floor, helpless with laughter, tears streaming down his cheeks. Clearly unnerved at this odd behaviour, Itachi withdrew and closed the door behind him.

"Does he do that a lot?" he asked me.

"All the time," I lied, desiring to freak out Itachi.

"Any particular reason why?"

"Not that I know of. It's always pretty spontaneous."

"What happened to the plant?"

"I knocked it over while you were away. It was an accident."

"Well, that was rather clumsy of you," Itachi said condescendingly, shaking his head and returning to his iPod, beanbag and Tetris.

I am seriously considering running him over with the Aston Martin. I'd be strangely justified if I did so. A taste of his own medicine, so to speak. And if I ended up court over it, I could always plead temporary insanity. Anyone who knows my brother at all would sympathise.

The sooner he is back at Akatsuki, the better...

November 20th

Three days until the trial. My sleep-pattern is non-existent. I keep jolting awake in a cold sweat from dark, rushing nightmares in which I am in a communal prison shower and a big-bruiser of an inmate, covered in tattoos, drops the soap at my feet, expecting me to bend over and pick it up. I don't want to go into further specifics. Suffice to say, it is traumatising.

That is not all that's causing me stress. Adding to my anxiety, Kabuto drew me aside last night at the meeting and divulged something that he didn't want to say in front of the boss. Apparently Mitarashi Anko - _of the prosecution!_ - was the boss's first corporate bit on the side.

Kabuto explained to me out in the corridor in hushed whispers that Anko has had it in for the boss ever since he unceremoniously dumped her when he had been headhunted and left Konoha-Suna Corp. to work for the Akatsuki Group. Anko, unfortunately for the boss, was rather hung up on him, and playing the role of the woman scorned with aplomb, she went public with the story, selling it to every newspaper she could get in contact with.

I scoffed at first, and said "I don't believe you. You're making this up," but Kabuto then whipped out his powerbook and brought up the an article on the Konoha Times website. A front-page spread greeted my unbelieving eyes, sporting the roaring headline, "SORDID OFFICE FLING: SAINT ORO LOSES HIS HALO". There was a large, slightly blurry colour picture right in the centre of the page, showing Mitarashi Anko straddling the boss on a big, leather chair, wearing only a tight, white blouse, a bra, suspenders and french knickers. They were clearly up to no good.

I felt The Rage boiling inside me, and it took considerable effort to suppress it. My fists were clenching and unclenching and I suddenly felt very hot all over. This was clearly another ex the boss had neglected to tell me about. With yet another one popping out of the woodwork, it begs the question, it really does. Just how many partners has he had? Were they all underlings?

Kabuto said that Anko had taken the boss to court to file for emotional damages. The case was thrown out, and since then, Anko had managed to get herself a law degree from the University of Konoha - "to protect ordinary citizens from corporate injustice." Normally, she didn't do run-of-the-mill criminal cases, but since Orochimaru was involved in this one - however tangentially - she had offered to take up Jin's case free of charge, and, not only that, but she had vowed to "make me pay" for my "misdemeanours".

Basically, Mitarashi Anko believes she has unfinished business with the boss and will be dumping all her emotional baggage on me to get to him.

So _why_ didn't the boss tell me this?

I am so furious right now... I can't even think straight. I want to go back over to the boss's and have it out with him, but I can't because fucking Itachi is here, being annoying and perfect and packing for the impending trip to Konoha. Suigetsu is in the bathroom, singing "Everybody Hurts" at the top of his voice.

GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

I'm going to go put my fist through a door.

Will write later.

LATER: Suigetsu left a few hours ago with one of MY towels wrapped around his head "to go pack". I asked him why and he informed me, with a huge toothy grin, that he was coming to Konoha to watch the trial and "cheer me on". He intends to stay for a few days afterwards and do touristy things too, with Karin, Amachi and Gen'yumaru. _He asked me if I wanted to come along!_

Can you believe that!?

Bread and bloody fucking circuses. That's what it is. Do they think my trial is some sort of show for their amusement? An excuse to take a week off for a holiday?

Everyone disgusts me right now.

EVERYONE.

Including the boss. _Especially_ the boss - the lying, secretive, deceitful snake that he is.

I feel like Kabuto, Gai and Lee are my only friends.

Wow... That's depressing. I think I'm going to go lie down and dope myself up on Sominex. Got to get some sleep. The flight leaves early in the morning. The boss's private jet will be the means of transport, as we don't want the attention from the press which will inevitably be garnered on a chartered flight.

November 21st

Just about to leave. Almost slept in because I deliberately overdosed on the Sominex and it turned out to be a little too effective. Itachi had to resort to the old Pint Glass o' Water Over the Head trick. Needless to say, I was a little grumpy when I woke up.

Only had time for a piece of toast. Once again, I sneezed and crumbs sprayed all over my keyboard. In my experience, toast-sneezing is a prelude to disaster.

I think I'm going to be sick...

LATER: I am curled up in my bed in my usual room at the hotel. Alone. Everyone else except the boss, Kabuto, Itachi, Gai and Lee is away out to get rat-arsed at Club Fun Fun. No one asked me to come along because... well... I'm feeling a little touchy right now. I had an altercation with the boss and one with Itachi at the airport and I think the others were a little freaked out by my intensity (and probably a shade shocked at how cheeky I was to the boss).

The plane touched down at Konoha airport at 6:24am and, tired and nervous. I sat next to Kabuto the whole way. Approaching the terminal, I fell into step beside the boss and Itachi, dragging my luggage dolefully behind me, and as soon as we stepped foot inside, an army of photographers surrounded us, snapping away. I was almost deafened by the raucous cries of the ruthless, media vultures. "Uchiha-san! Uchiha-san!" they bellowed. "Sasuke! Oi, Sasuke! SASUKE! Any comments, eh? Eh? EH?!!!"

Gritting my teeth, I pushed through the ranks with a little more force than was strictly necessary.

"That's right, Sasuke-kun. Keep on walking, maintain your composure and hold your head high," I heard the boss murmur into my ear.

The boss was only trying to be helpful, I realise now, but at the time, the memory of Kabuto's little nugget of information still stung, and I snapped in reply, "Of course. You know all about that, don't you?"

"What? Sasuke-kun, I am merely—" the boss began before I stopped short and whipped round squarely to face him.

"Shut up, okay?" I hissed. "Just shut up. I don't want to hear what you've got to say. I don't want to hear your voice right now, so just shut up!"

Now, I have never deliberately goaded the boss before. Yes, there have been occasions where gentle teasing was in order, or a quick, witty comeback - but I have never set out to intentionally raise his hackles, since he has a notorious and rather spectacular temper.

As soon as the words left my mouth, the boss also halted abruptly, almost causing Karin to run right into the back of him. His jaw had went rigid and he was glaring at me with such cold ferocity that, had I not been so incredibly angry myself, would have probably had me melting into a puddle of amorphous, quivering goo at his feet.

"What did you say to me?" he whispered in a dangerous tone.

"What? Didn't you hear me?" I said with a scornful laugh. "I told you to shut up."

An ominous silence fell, broken only by the frantic snap, snap, snapping of the photographers. Then...

"Don't you DARE tell me to shut up!" he hissed, taking a step towards me.

And that was it. All hell had broken loose. The paparazzi were having a field day, loving every minute of the spectacle I had provided them. Suigetsu, Karin, Amachi and Gen'yumaru looked on, open-mouthed, in horror. Then Itachi felt it prudent to stick his nose in and make everything ten times worse.

"Sasuke," he said in that infinitely bored, condescending and admonitory tone of his, "Orochimaru is your employer. I do not feel it acceptable that you address him in such a manner."

This was a mistake. Rather than diffusing the situation, it only served to set me off.

"Just shut your fucking mouth, Itachi, for once!" I snarled, turning on him next. "This is nothing to do with you! Nothing! Butt the _hell_ out of my conversation—"

"Hah! Some conversation - if conversation amounts to insulting your superior," the boss hissed, taking another step towards me, drawing himself up to his full height.

"Sasuke, I would strongly advise—"

"The next time you speak to me in such a way"

"You will jeopardise your—"

"Sasuke-kun, don't you _dare_ ignore me—"

Then, something inside me snapped. I exploded in a writhing ball of rage and stress, and threw a strop worthy of the boss himself.

"Do you know what?" I yelled, throwing my hands in the air, turning and striding away from both of them, "Both of you can go fuck yourselves! Yep. That's right! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK YOURSELVES! With an iron bar. Wouldn't that be nice? And you can cram your advice up your big, fat arses while you're at it!"

I stormed ahead, leaving a shocked silence in my wake, and was first to reach the line of waiting uniform, black sedans outside. The driver deposited my luggage in the trunk and I threw myself in the car and slammed the door shut. When the driver asked when Orochimaru-sama would be arriving, I lied and said that he told me to get in the first car to get away from the press. The driver bought it and we sped away to the hotel.

Blessedly, there were no paparazzi lying in wait outside and I managed to slip in unnoticed. I checked-in, collected my keycard (the one blessing is that I am not sharing with Itachi - thank god) and headed straight for my room.

Ten minutes later came the inevitable knock on my door. I rigorously attempted to ignore the offending disturber of my peace, but my phone started ringing and the knocks became increasingly louder until I could take it no more. Extremely irritated, I wrenched the door open to find the boss standing there with his phone to his ear, wearing a similarly disgruntled expression.

"Sasuke-kun," he said. "I will speak with you. Now."

I rolled my eyes and strode into the seating area. The boss followed me in and we sat down, taking a sofa each, as far apart from each other as possible.

"I know you are a little on edge right now," he said, fixing me with a stern gaze, "but you will not take your frustration out on me in such a way again. Do you understand me?"

Yes, I understood him. Yes, I knew what I had done wrong. Yes, he is stiflingly authoritarian and is extraordinarily jealous of his authority and will not tolerate outright insubordination - even from me - but images of that Konoha Times photo kept shifting themselves to the forefront of my mind. Propriety could go fuck itself as well, I decided, and I ended up interrogating the boss.

"Oh, I understand," I said, with a false, manically cheery smile. "But do you want to know why I did it? There's an extra special reason, you know..."

The boss stared at me impatiently for a moment, then said, "Very well. Enlighten me."

I pulled no punches.

"I know about that scandal with you and that Mitarashi bitch from prosecution," I answered coldly. "I saw the picture. One hand down her bra, having a fondle... You were practically shagging!"

The boss stiffened and went quiet. I had hit my mark.

"Not only that, but she has some sort of vendetta against you, and, because I am your new PA, she appears to be going all-out to bring me down _just so she can get one over on you!_ Am I right?"

A long silence followed before the boss answered. He said, quietly, "Who told you this?"

As I was feeling charitable to Kabuto, I decided not to drop him in it. Instead, I told the boss I had done a few background checks on the opposition on the net. This was half-true. I had went looking for myself. The pictures weren't hard to find. The boss sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Anko was a mistake," he said. "Perhaps one of the biggest mistakes I have yet made as regards romantic relationships. Quite possibly because I underestimated the intensity of her feelings towards me. I did not care for her."

"And when were you planning on telling me this?" I asked, unrelenting, even though my stomach had done a little flip-flop when he said he had never cared for the mad, psycho-bitch from hell. "During the conjugal visit?"

The boss smiled a little at that last quip. He caught my eye and I smiled too. The tension abated a little, and I sighed deeply and ran a hand through my hair. It really was a ridiculous image. Far too hilarious for use during the interrogation of one's significant other when one should seek to maintain a vague, threatning atmosphere of hostility. The boss rose from his seat and closed the distance between us, sitting down next to me and snaking his arm around my waist, pulling me into a cuddle. I melted instantly.

Note to self: must make more of an effort in future to resist the boss's cuddles. He has far too much power over me in this regard.

The boss kissed the top of my head and said, "Well, seeing as you went to the trouble to come visit me in my cell, I feel it is only fitting."

I smiled wryly and gave him a warning squeeze. "No jokes about me going to prison, please," I said. "I'm terrified about tomorrow."

"There is no need for you to be, Sasuke-kun," he replied matter-of-factly. "This case will be thrown out of court. I will make sure of it."

"Just like last time then?" I said casually, not expecting the boss to lean over and startle me with a lingering kiss.

"Not quite, Sasuke-kun," he said, when he pulled back, smiling slightly. "For I will ensure that this time she will not drag anyone else's reputation down with her."

I smiled and gave him an affectionate squeeze (there are several different sorts of squeezes in my repertoire, you may be interested to know) and spent a blessed fifteen minutes just sitting there with the boss on the sofa. When Itachi texted me, asking whether I had reached the hotel safely, asking me to meet him in the lobby, the boss went back to his room.

I didn't much feel like going downstairs, so Itachi came to the room instead. I apologised for yelling at him and he shrugged and said it was perfectly understandable. He didn't stay for long after we made up because I said I just wanted to be on my own and sleep for a bit. He accepted my excuse (mainly because he had missed calls from Deidara, Kisame and Kakuzu and more than likely wanted to know what they wanted) and told me to call him if I needed anything.

After Itachi left, I went to unpack. Passing by the sofa in the lounge, I spotted a little white corner of paper poking out between two cushions that was not there when I came in. Curious, I plucked it from its position and unfolded it. It was a note from the boss. It said:

"I would wish you luck for tomorrow, Sasuke-kun, but you do not need it. In my eyes, you have already won this case, and you have an absolutely flawless defence. By tomorrow afternoon, all this will be a mere memory; as a dream it will pass away. Ensure you rest properly, as you will want to look your best. Try not to worry.

All my love,

Oro.

x"

I have no idea when he slipped it in there, and as I read it, I realised that the boss had never actually answered my question about whether he was going to tell me about Anko at all - but, at that point, it didn't really matter. I wanted to dash along the corridor, hammer on his door and give him the biggest, most grateful squeeze of his life. But I couldn't, as it was very likely Itachi would be on patrol. Instead, I have decided to slip the boss's note under my pillow and go to bed.

How pathetic am I?

Though... I bet Mitarashi never got any love notes.

Hah.

Bitch be messin'?

Then bring it. You do not fuck with an Uchiha and get away with it.

I've made up my mind now. I am going to own _all over_ this trial.

Mitarashi, you are so going down...

* * *

Guys, I'm definitely with you on the Kabuto thing. It's still boggling my mind a shade. He really has gone psycho. I'm in two minds about it: either Kishi is going to use him as a way to bring back Oro (the spiritual essence in Sasuke somehow coming into contact with the vessel (Kabuto), which, being rigorously upgraded with parts of his body, should be a perfect alternative container) or Kabuto really intends to surpass his master and be Oro the Second - without bringing the Oro the First back. Rar. I wants next chapter!

But yes. No more talk about Kabuto. I have some thanking to do. Oh yes...

Muchos thanks go out to the following awesome individuals for leaving reviews for the last chapter: **qertumz** (yeah, I feel a bit sorry for old Kabz. I suspect that if Oro ever did resurface, it'd be a bit of a wtf? moment for him as soon as he clapped eyes on his minion's face. "You did that, why, Kabuto?" "I love you." "Really? Oh dear. Yes, well..." Pause. "Can I have my eye back?" "I love you." "No. Do you know what? It's alright. You can keep it. Just keep the eye." "I love you." "Please get away from me, Kabuto. Get away... Kabuto? Nooooooo!!") **Simple-Minded Idiot** (Yup. Good eye. You're right that Sasuke doesn't like natto or sweets - I think in the anime it's episode 81 he says it. One of the guide books also says that Itachi's favourite food is green and red dango - so basically, he decided to have something he liked even though Sasuke's not a big fan. And yeah, he's definitely less mischievous and more into torture for the hell of it. The Uchihas are lovely little tykes, aren't they?) **fiore777** (let it be known that I love your Oro smitten by his first ever, ickle-white snake summons drawing to bits. It's the snake's cute, little head and little Oro's huge smile that gets me every time. Believe it or not, Jiraiya's text spelling was inspired by real life. Text predictor can be so amusing sometimes...), **ChibiKeimei** (Yes! I, too, would have smashed Itachi's face in. He is such a subtle manipulator... I agree. Sasuke's reaction was _so_ teenage-girl. Never realised that at the time, but lol, just lol!), **danni quinn** (hey, that's no bother. I'm just happy that anyone is still reading this at all. - Hope your brother had a good birthday ( it seems like he did, lol) **OOH.look.A.Giant.Hippy** (Hee... cheers for the compliments. That you're up and on the net at 3:00 in the morning merely demonstrates the fact that you are hardcore. You should keep those who are not in the know out and assume an aura of mystery and intrigue!), **Raspedra Twilight** (Yes, Sasuke is such a flighty, spoiled little brat and he always seems to come out of everything squeaky clean. Not for long, though. And Oro and Itachi? I'm saying nothing), **Riana1** (I didn't mean to do it, honestly! Though that is about the best compliment I could ever have. I love it when I accidentally convert people. Whatever you do, don't go reading one of those badly-written OroSasu rape fics. That'll just go spoil everything. -), **Alix** (I love you, I really do. You've so cottoned on to exactly how I imagined that Shisui torture scene. The Uchiha brothers were every other kid's nightmare. Butter wouldn't melt? Would it hell! I must say, though, he didn't know Oro was in the towel cupboard, but he planned everything else out to the finest detail - so much so that he didn't even trust his ickle brother fully after the promise, necessitating a quick visit to his room to check. And Kabuto? Totally agree. It's still a bit wtf. And I'm a bit of a Deidara fan, so I'll be a tad miffed if he doesn't give Sasuke a run for his money at least), **U. Scheherazade** (I have uploaded! Hope you liked it. Nice name, too. I like Scheherazade, and I like _Arabian Nights_ -), **ArilianaFireQueen** (Clearly, Itachi's Supreme Evil Ownage Jutsu has affected you. You must find a way to make your siblings addicted to the GameCube so you may browse the net whenever you wish. Either that, or bind and gag them. Both means are effective as solutions. Good luck with Chemistry! -), **foreverloved** (you have totally picked up on the thing that made me snigger most when I wrote fourteen. Just the thought of it... Oh, what I wouldn't give to see Kishi write something like that. XD Glad you liked the chapter), and **CloodSama** (Yup. That's pretty much my reaction - and, I think, that of Naruto and co. as well. As for Itachi and Oro? Hmmm... I am saying nothing. Glad the ol' fic puts a smile on your face. That's all I really set out to do, anyway, when I first wrote this. Didn't even go for laughs. Just a few smiles, so thanks for the review. Tis appreciated! -).

Next chapter: The Trial. All hell breaks loose.


	16. Chapter 16

A Day in the Life

November 23rd

I am sitting with the boss in his penthouse, watching the news. At this very moment, Channel K5 are broadcasting a live feed of Hidan tearing down the freeway at 120mph in Kisame's Mini Cooper, pursued by Konoha's finest. The court building is on fire, though I don't think that was anything to do with him. Itachi and the rest of his Akatsuki mob are tearing after him in the Aston Martin. I'm not sure what they think they're going to accomplish. Hidan's rampage is not the sort that can be easily covered up. The boss thinks they're going to try and catch up with him and bundle him into the Aston Martin - then, according to his theory, they can easily outstrip the cops' BMWs and pass over the border into River Country. Once that happens, Konoha won't be able to do anything about it unless Hidan ever comes to Konoha again...

Actually, that sounds about right. I wouldn't put it past any of them to pull a dodgy stunt like that - especially my brother.

I suppose I should let you know what happened. There's rather a lot to tell - seriously. Things have happened. In a big way.

So... No, wait just a moment...

Right. I am now in the bedroom and have expressly forbidden the boss to come in until I've finished writing this entry. I have to concentrate, and I can't do that while the boss is feeling me up.

Here goes...

My day started off in abysmal fashion. I was woken up by the sharp rapping on the door of a bellboy with the shiniest brass buttons I've ever seen bearing a letter addressed to me. Bleary-eyed, I muttered a quick thanks, tipped him and dismissed him, before collapsing back into bed. I tore open the envelope to find a single sheet of paper inside, its spine-tingling message spelled out with the aid of magazine cuttings and Pritt-Stick. It said:

SASuKe... I wILL RaPE Yoooooou.

For a horror-stricken moment, I stared at the note, clutching it in trembling hands. Then, terrified, I shrieked an ear-piercing shriek, and half-sprinted half-staggered down the corridor to the boss's room. I hammered on his door until, at length, he answered, his hair tousled and looking sleepy.

"Sasuke-kun, it's half-past six—" he began irritably, before I shoved the note in his face and screamed, "LOOKATIT!!"

The boss deftly plucked the threat-note from my hands and perused its contents.

"It seems rather like someone's idea of a joke," was his verdict. "Now, please, don't worry about it and go back to bed..."

Needless to say, I was not happy with this judgement.

"Well, I can't think of anything _less_ funny," I replied, making an attempt at terse, but failing miserably when my voice ended up all high and squeaky. "Some sick freak is threatening to... to..."

I couldn't say it. The thought made my skin crawl. Someone, somewhere - maybe even in this hotel right now - had it in for me. It's not all fun and games being intelligent, good-looking and successful, you know. Unwanted attention _is_ garnered on occasion.

"Sasuke-kun, it will be nothing to worry about," the boss said patiently, leaning against the doorframe in his black robe. "It may even be the prosecution trying to make you nervous before the trial."

That was true. I hadn't thought of that.

"And besides," he added, lightly kissing me on the cheek, "if anyone tries that sort of thing, they will have _me_ to deal with - and that will be so, so much worse than any trial by jury. Now go and dress. I will meet you in the lobby at eight. Try not to worry."

I smiled, though my heart was not set entirely at rest, and, thus, while I was getting ready, I became extraordinarily paranoid. I checked every cupboard and inside all the drawers, inspected every nook-and cranny of the hotel room and even took a quick look behind the curtains. Then, when I was showering, I stood at the furthest corner with my back to the wall so that nothing could jump out and bum me. By the time I was fully washed and dressed, I was a quivering wreck.

The court was due in session at 10am, prompt. Arrayed in my second-finest kimono (the good white one the boss purchased for our dirty-weekend was in the dry-cleaners after I crawled along the beer-soaked floor of Club Fun Fun in it), I met up with the boss, Kabuto, Gai and Lee at eight o'clock exactly. Itachi was conspicuous by his absence. When we met down in the foyer, he was nowhere to be found - and he is _never_ late. We tried phoning his room several times - to no avail - and our calls to his mobile went to answer phone.

This stunning irregularity set my nerves jangling even further, so much so that Kabuto drew me aside and offered me some valium. I would have taken it, but the boss snatched me away and dragged me into the car.

Despite the boss telling me not to worry, I noticed on the way to court that he was masticating rather rigorously on a wad of Wrigley's Doublemint while gazing out the tinted windows of the black Rolls, lost in thought. This wasn't a good sign. His "option three" breakfast never fails to indicate a troubled psyche - and if _he_ was worried...

A strange, unpleasantly hot prickling sensation began to creep across my skin, and I felt my face go all hot. Rape. Trial. Rape. Trial. Both unwanted thoughts were whirling around in my head - clamouring and strident, like devils dancing in the pits of hell. I felt terrible, and the driver had to stop the car twice to let me out for air, and on each occasion, I almostfainted. By the time we arrived at the court, I was shaking and I felt as though I was about to throw up. That would've made a fine shot for all the vultures - sorry, I mean journalists and TV crews - waiting outside: a lovely photo of yours truly, catching, for posterity, the hot chunks of vomit spurting forth in a perfect arc from my cracked, parched lips.

Yuck... Sorry about that. I grossed myself out there. Felt a little shiver and everything...

Anyway, I was ushered into the building by a squad of burly police-officers who directed me into the ante-chamber adjacent to the court room, from whence I would be summoned by the judge to stand trial. Kabuto, Gai and Lee went off to put on their robes, and the boss, after giving me a good luck grope, went off to get a good seat and meet Jiraiya. Imagine my surprise when I entered the antechamber and found Itachi already within, lounging around looking bored and vaguely threatening with a gaggle of his Akatsuki associates. The usual suspects were present, namely Deidara, Sasori, Kisame, Zetsu, Tobi, The Religious Nutbag (Hidan), and The Mighty Prick himself (Kakuzu). Needless to say, I was a shade perturbed.

"What the _hell_ are you lot doing here?" I said, feeling my blood pressure rising.

"They're here to support you, Sasuke, so don't be ungrateful," Itachi intoned, surveying his perfectly manicured nails.

"Yes, don't be ungrateful, Sasuke," Deidara mimicked with a twist of smarm, grinning at me (though it was more of a leer) before Sasori grunted and kicked him on the shin with considerable force.

"Owee... That hurt, Sasori-danna..."

It transpired that Itachi had disappeared last night when he spotted the missed calls on his phone in order to give directions to his colleagues. All seven of them had driven to Konoha in Kisame's Mini Cooper, because they "thought it would be a laugh," and they managed to get lost on the way in Tanzaku City. They had circled the big roundabout near the castle twenty-three times while waiting for Itachi to call back, and Tobi ended up being sick into Kisame's share bag of cheesy Doritos.

While this was being explained, my keen, suspicious eyes spied two extra large buckets of popcorn, ill-concealed behind a plant pot in a plastic, Mall-Mart carrier bag. My hackles rose in an instant.

"You're not taking that in with you," I said coldly, pointing at the offending foodstuff.

"Oh, come on, Sasuke, it's just—" Tobi began, before I put my foot down. Hard.

"No! You are _not_ taking that in with you," I reiterated, my voice becoming squeakier as my state of agitation increased. "You'll end up getting arrested! You'll end up getting _me_ arrested!"

The members' Akatsuki all glanced at one another and rolled their eyes. They said nothing, but their eyes spoke volumes. "Boring twat," seemed to by the general consensus.

"Lighten up, Sasuke," Deidara huffed, leaning forward and massaging his injured shin. "Honestly, you're just like Itachi..."

Lighten up, he said. _Lighten up_. _You are just like Itachi_.

I swear at that point, I was but a nanomillimetre away from going postal on all of their sorry arses. Admirably, though I do say so myself, I managed to reign myself in, and with gritted teeth I explained that on top of all the pressure I was under because of this sodding trial, I had had a rather unnerving start to the day, and that in consequence, I was a little jumpy and on edge. Itachi asked why, and I told him about the poison letter I had received. I extracted said letter from the folds of my kimono so that he could better examine its contents.

As I did so, silence fell, and the cretinous faces of the assembled Akatsuki Group members went suddenly and suspiciously blank.

No... They wouldn't, I thought, incredulous. Surely even they wouldn't stoop so low? But when Tobi's shoulders began to shake with suppressed laughter, I knew then that, yes, they would stoop so low. And they would laugh about it - _to my face!_

I stared them down until cracks began to show. Tobi was the first to start giggling, then Deidara, and when Kisame let out a great guffaw of laughter, they were all rolling about in their chairs, slapping thighs and clutching at their sides.

I, however, was not in the least amused...

"Aie, Kakuzu," Deidara breathed, tears running down his cheeks. "That's got to be in your top ten."

"I- I can't breathe... I can't breathe!" Tobi choked, hanging off Hidan and crying with laughter.

Now, I may have to explain to you about Kakuzu.

Unfortunately for humanity, the man likes to play practical jokes. You could almost say that he is a serial prankster, although, when I say "pranks", what I really mean is that the pranks are, in reality, merely an excuse for gratuitous displays of casual cruelty. Too many people have fallen victim to his non-jokes for me to remember offhand, though him pantsing Tobi at the Product of the Year Awards last year springs immediately to mind, where the unfortunate raw recruit ended up baring his buttocks to an audience of hundreds courtesy of an innocently whistling Kakuzu. He bound and gagged Hidan on his first night staying at the Akatsuki complex, strapped him upside down to a tree, pulled down his pants and whacked him on the arse with a bamboo stick until he forced Hidan to scream "penis pump" (Hidan is religious and doesn't normally use such filthy words, you see, and therein lies the "fun" so to speak). I have also been victim of his malicious tomfoolery. He called me up one morning when I was working to meet a tight deadline on a very important report at Konoha HQ to tell me that Itachi had died in the night. Frantic, I hopped on the first flight to River country only to be confronted, when I got there, with a very-much-alive and confused Itachi and a sniggering Kakuzu with a Polaroid.

He is a menace. That is all there is to say. And I was dangerously close to punching him in the mouth...

"Ha! Got you again, Sasuke!" Kakuzu said, grinning from ear to ear with pride at his "achievement."

"Har har," I said coldly, folding my arms and throwing myself into a chair. "Yes. Very funny, Kakuzu. Oh how I am laughing..."

"Oh, come on, Sasuke," he jeered. "Don't be so fucking miserable. You're only saying that because you fell for it - hook, line and sinker—"

The only thing that stopped me swinging for Kakuzu and getting embroiled in another lawsuit at that point was the timely entrance of Naruto, Suigetsu, Karin, Gen'yumaru and Amachi, accompanied by a smiling Kabuto.

"Now... are we all here?" Kabuto chirped, counting heads. "Yes. Itachi-san is also present, excellent, excellent. Now, if you gentlemen would like to make your way up to the gallery - the court will rise soon to greet Judge Chiyo. Oh, and Sasuke, Orochimaru-sama mentioned that you had a bit of trouble this morning with a letter?" he added, looking at me uncertainly. "If it's some sort of threat, then it will certainly be pertinent to the case and I should wish to take a look at it."

The immature sniggering-behind-hands started once again, and I rolled my eyes and informed Kabuto that, no, it would not be necessary. Kabuto looked at me oddly and said, "very well, Sasuke."

I received many good-luck slaps on the back as the Akatsuki mob sauntered out the door, including one square on the backside from Deidara (yes, he meant it, and yes, I am still deciding whether to tell the boss about it). When they were gone, Naruto immediately enveloped me in a suffocating hug, sniffling and informing me that, "whatever happens, I'm still your best friend and if you do go to jail, I'll come visit you every day, Sasuke, I promise! I'll bring cake with a nail-file in it and everything!"

Suigetsu smirked, so I peeled Naruto off me as kindly as possible and thanked him for the support.

A few minutes later, Gai with his shiny, shiny bowl-cut peeked through the other door (the Dread Portal of Doom leading into the court) and he beckoned me in with one of his huge, gleaming smiles.

With trepidation, I steeled myself to face the crowd that awaited within. Taking a deep breath, I headed for the door. Just as I was about to enter, however, a thought occurred to me.

"Naruto," I said. "Please don't do anything stupid."

This is where it started to get interesting...

As soon as I set foot in court, I heard an obnoxious roar coming from the direction of the gallery. Several pieces of salted popcorn bounced off my forehead. I cringed and solemnly vowed to beat Deidara and Tobi to a pulp. The boss was sat three rows from the front with Jiraiya and Tsunade. I caught his eye, and he winked at me. I smiled back, feeling a little better. Even the Konoha lot were there, dotted round about.

I sat down at the defence table with Kabuto, Gai and Lee. Then, another door opened and the prosecution entered. I got my first real look at Jin, 24, from Konoha. Let's just say he looked like an air steward. I mean, I hold no doubts about my sexuality whatsoever, but when one overindulges in St Tropez, Brylcream, neck-scarves and manicures... well, it really is like planting a massive "GAY" sign on your back, thereby inviting taunts from individuals lacking in the old grey matter (though usually well set for chest-hair and aggro) or The Daily Mail. His nose was clearly broken, and the yellowish remnants of a livid bruise lingered around his left eye.

He caught my eye, drew me a filthy look, sniffed, and turned away. Bitchy little queen.

Mitarashi Anko strode in beside him, wearing a sharp, black suit and carrying a briefcase. Her eyes were darting all over the room, and I knew in an instant what she was looking for.

I smirked and called out, "He's three rows from the front, Mitarashi. Aren't you going to say hello?"

Following my directions, Anko caught sight of his old boss. Every head in the courtroom turned. An expectant silence fell - the kind experienced when the lights dim, the ads end, the rating is shown and one finds oneself waiting for the movie to start. Literally, it seemed like that, because I could hear Deidara and Tobi excitedly munching on their popcorn.

Anko looked the boss up and down. Then she sneered and turned to sit at the prosecution's table. "I don't think so," she said.

The boss smiled and rose from his seat, despite Jiraiya's gallant and unsubtle attempt to pin him down. "Why, Anko," the boss said, gliding towards her with open arms. "It's been such a long time since we last saw one other, yet you're treating me so coldly..."

"Get away from me, you _prick_!" she snarled, as the boss leant casually on the barrier separating participants from spectators.

_"Oooooh! Can't let her get away with that, Oro!"_ Deidara cackled from the gallery, chucking another handful of popcorn and bombing a group of first-year law students with it.

_"Kick her in the nuts!"_ Tobi shouted. (The more I get to know this man, the more I feel that he and Naruto were separated at birth...)

The boss carried on as though he hadn't heard a thing. He reached out a hand to touch her face and she slapped it away as though it were toxic. He smiled and closed his eyes for a moment.

"I know why you're doing this, Anko," he said softly, "and I must confess I find it rather desperate—"

Anko snorted. "Desperate? Me? Hah. As if. You're the one who's so desperate for a quick fuck that you'll hop into bed with whichever poor sod has the misfortune to be sharing office space with you."

There was a collective, inward hiss as Anko executed her verbal bitch-slap. An ominous silence fell, broken only by the lone catcall from the peanut gallery.

_"Kick her in the nuts, Oro!"_

A corner of the boss's mouth curled unpleasantly. All sweetness and whispers vanished in an instant.

"As ever, the lights are not quite all on upstairs in the abode of Mitarashi Anko," the boss sneered. "You know _nothing_ of me, so do not presume to question my intent. As I recall, though," he added nastily, "you were the one who, initially, was rather desperate for a "quick fuck" - or was your grand entrance into my office wearing nothing but stiletto heels, underwear and a big, red bow merely an elaborate ruse?"

A suppressed snigger rippled around the court at large. Anko's face burned bright red with shame. Inwardly, I did a victory jig.

_"Oh my GOD, Oro, you are such a whore!"_ I heard Deidara cackle from above.

(Now, considering I witnessed Deidara bent over the kitchen table, getting rather up close and personal with the one _he_ was so blithely calling a whore, it seemed to me rather like the pot calling the kettle black. I'm not jealous. Really, I'm not. It's just logical...)

"Orochimaru-sama," I heard Kabuto implore, "please, this is not the time—"

The boss raised a hand in warning and Kabuto's jaw snapped shut. "Now, now, Kabuto," he said, smiling dangerously at Mitarashi, "let's hear what Anko has to say in response. It's only fair, after all."

"I'll tell you what I have to say," she hissed, her eyes flashing. "If you say one more word to me, Orochimaru - _one more_ - I'll do all your future little shag pots a service and cut your teeny, tiny shriveled, little balls off."

The audience began to titter at that crack, and the boss's eye began to twitch madly. I knew then that if somebody didn't stop them, things would kick off, and the boss would end up in jail again. Fortunately, before I was forced to dive in front of anyone, the judge's door burst open with a bang.

Everyone looked up as the oldest and wrinkliest lady I have _ever_ seen ascended the steps to the judge's seat. It was Judge Chiyo from Sunagakure, as it turned out - chosen because, with all the media attention my trial had garnered over the past month or so, to maintain neutrality, an official from a third, uninvolved country was chosen to preside over affairs. Coincidentally, she happened to be Sasori's grandmother, which freaked me out a little, because I had always believed that Sasori wasn't born, but was the result of a genetics experiment gone horribly wrong.

Judge Chiyo sat down and observed Mitarashi, and then the boss, and proceeded to give them a rather hilarious dressing-down. I've never heard anyone talk to the boss like that before and get away with it!

"There will be no bollocking in my courtroom, you may be sure of that, Mitarashi-san," she announced in her strangely resonant old-lady voice. "And if you go anywhere near Orochimaru-kun's, I am afraid I shall be forced to go back on my decision regarding that restraining order..."

Anko sniffed angrily and flounced over to the prosecution table followed by jeers from the more vocal Akatsuki Group higher-ups.

"You wanna feel his maaaaan-bits, you wanna feel his maaaaan-bits!" Tobi sung, while Kakuzu and Kisame decided to hop on the popcorn ballistics bandwagon. But not for long was this circus to last...

"And YOU!" she boomed, whipping round and pointing an accusing finger at the offending offenders in the gallery. "Sasori!" she commanded. "Shut them up!"

Sasori blinked, and hesitated.

This was a mistake.

"Idiot boy, are you deaf?" she screeched. "I said shut them up! Give them a good clip around the ears."

"But, granny..."

"Are you disobeying me, Sasori-chan?" she whispered, lowering her voice and fixing her grandson with a flinty glare.

"N-no..."

"Then do it!" she hissed, guilt-tripping Sasori in the way that only a grandmother could. "Go on, get them out of here! I don't want to see your nasty, little friends loitering around my court causing trouble—"

"But, granny—"

"OUT!" she screeched, throwing her hands in the air, indicating that her grandmotherly word was Final with a capital F.

Sasori sighed and promptly knocked Deidara and Tobi's heads together and confiscated the popcorn. Everyone watched as Deidara threw a tantrum and was dragged, kicking and screaming from the gallery. Resoundly humiliated by an old lady, the rest of the Akatsuki mob sauntered out, throwing Chiyo filthy looks as they did so. When the door slammed shut, she smiled and turned her attention to the boss.

"And you, Orochimaru-kun," she said with a mischievous smile, "no matter how much of a big-shot you've become - just remember that I knew you when you were a chubby, little monkey bouncing around in a baby grow."

I had to bite my lip to keep from giggling at this point, and the boss caught my eye and glared at me. I think Jiraiya and Tsunade were thinking along the same lines as me, because I could hear them choking trying to suppress a chortle.

"And I knew your mother and father!" she went on, waving a stern finger at the boss. "Good people they were, too. Why, it was a wonder they didn't spank your bottom when I came to visit and found you out in the back garden sucking on a slug. Maybe that's why you're such a spoiled brat..."

By this time, the boss was staring stonily at his feet, and Jiraiya and Tsunade had almost collapsed on the floor with laughter.

"Now go and sit yourself down, Orochimaru-kun, and stop creating a fuss. From what I have gathered from the evidence given to me by your smarmy little crony, Yakushi-san, this fiasco will be over very shortly."

His jaw rigid with anger, the boss turned on his heel and swept back to his seat, determinedly not looking at Jiraiya and Tsunade who were already nudging and taunting with gusto. I would have laughed, but Judge Chiyo then turned her terrifying attentions on me.

"Uchiha Sasuke!" she called out, peering about her. "Where are you?"

I stood, rigid, to attention and , "Here, Chiyo-baa-sama!"

"Good," she said, nodding and stroking her chin thoughtfully. "I like knowing who I'm speaking to." She paused and then said, in an official manner: "Uchiha Sasuke, you are accused of assault occasioning actual bodily harm to one Tanaka Jin, of Konoha. How do you plead?"

I replied, calmly and respectfully, "Not guilty."

* * *

First of all: Fear me, for I am mighty. Not only did I pass my degree, but I got a bloody first! (I know... I still don't know how I did it, but I checked and they can't take it back). Woo and yay and such:-D I also cleared 200 lines in Tetris for the first time earlier this evening. I don't mind telling you that I felt a shade godly.

Second: Yes, I know. I'm cutting the trial in half. Partly because it was going to be epic, and partly because I didn't want you guys to have to wait any longer for an update. I apologise for the wait, by the way. Writers' block descended. I hope this chapter isn't rubbish as a result... :-(

Third: I think I've got some thanking to do! Oh yes... **Zinjah** (Cheers for the fave! And, yes, I am keeping quiet on the future sexual escapades front, as you know, but I'll leave you pondering upon canon Oro's snakeyness...), **Simple-Minded Idiot** (thanks for the review, again, and I'm sorry about the delay in updating. The whole Jin, 24, from Konoha thing is really just a dig at newpapers in general. You know, they always have the same format: name, age, location, like Cleetus, 35, from Alabama etc. Oh, and the Happy Hippy shower gel really does exist. It smells lovely and zesty!), **Raspedra Twilight** (lol! Getting one's toe trapped in a tap is definitely traumatising stuff (I should know... ahem), and I agree, Oro is a little too clever when it comes to the old expedient omission trick), **danni quinn** (oh! Good luck on your finals. I'm sure you'll do really well. Oh, and by the way, it _is_ possible, it's just that you need to have really long arms...), **fiore777** (I dunno, I'm thinking we'll be seeing Oro again at some point. Did someone say "final villain?" Dammit, I need to stop getting my hopes up! As for Sasuke's "fat arse" comment, well... everyone knows that Oro has some serious ghetto booty XD), **Alix** (are you psychic? If so, then get out of my head! Really, nothing gets past you. XD Though there's _one_ little detail that's different from what you envision, though that will come in seventeen. I ain't telling! For the record, if we're doing the fly thing, I'm SO joining you...), and **ArilianaFireQueen** (Hmmm... Will rephrase. I meant that you have clearly absorbed Itachi's evil influence, if you are plotting against your siblings in such a manner. Deliberately making them addicted to console games? EVIL, I say!! This is because I know how they feel. Tetris is my vice at the moment. Friggin Tetris. Can't put it down.)


	17. Chapter 17

A Day in the Life

November 23rd

The trial didn't last too long after that...

As it is tradition in criminal trials for the prosecution to get the first bite of the banana, I was called up to the stand. I must say I felt a whole lot better that the ice had been broken and the sense of formality and impending doom had fallen away, and I sat down with my head held high. Mitarashi was standing square in front of me with her arms folded, grinning at me in a nasty way. I decided then that I would infuriate her by channelling Itachi, and observed her with a cold impassivity, thus letting her know that I was an Uchiha and, as such, generally better than her.

"So..." she began, jerking her head in the direction of Jin, 24, from Konoha. "Have you seen the state of this young man?"

She walked into that one, really she did.

"That's not very kind of you, Mitarashi-san," I replied smoothly. "He's not wholly unattractive."

A ripple of laughter passed among the assembled spectators and I allowed myself a small, innocent smile.

"That's enough, Uchiha-san," Judge Chiyo admonished from above, silencing the sniggering audience. "Carry on, Mitarashi-san."

I was careful to keep my expression perfectly neutral, but inside I was dancing for joy. She was riled already. I could see it by the way her cheeks flushed and her fingers started twitching. Perfect.

"_You_ put him in that state, Uchiha-san!" she barked, hurling a finger at her bruised and battered client. "Do you deny it?"

I knew exactly what I was going to say, but I closed my eyes and pretended to think for a minute before I sighed and said, "That I do not deny."

"So you admit that you assaulted Tanaka-san?" Mitarashi asked, scathingly. "I'm surprised that you're willing to admit your wrongs, considering you're under the employ of one of the biggest, filthiest liars out there."

"I do not mean to impose, Mitarashi-san," I replied ever-so-courteously, "but I do not believe Orochimaru-sama has anything to do with my alleged misdemeanours. I would appreciate it if you did not let your personal grievances with him cloud your judgement, especially when the consequences could be so severe as to result in miscarriage of justice."

You know what? I should be a lawyer. I'd be great. No, make that the greatest. Why? I have no qualms about lying to save someone's sorry arse if they pay me enough, I can play a mean mind-game, I am a good speaker, I dress well, I am intelligent and I can get people to do whatever I want. Judging by the way I owned Mitarashi in the stand, I could go far. Hell, I could even go all the way and put old lady Chiyo out to pasture. I'd totally go for it, if it weren't for the fact that the boss is paying me a small fortune to do not very much at all.

"And I must stress that though I am undoubtedly the one who caused the injuries of Tanaka-san - and I apologise wholeheartedly - I did not intend to harm Tanaka-san. In fact," I added in a measured tone, "I was not even aware of having caused harm to him until my colleagues informed me, after I had awoken, that I had done so."

"And this would be your medical condition you are referring to, Uchiha-san?" Mitarashi said, stalking over to her table and picking up a manila folder.

"Yes."

"RBD?"

"Yes."

"I have a hold of your medical records, Uchiha-san, and it appears you haven't had an attack since you were nine years old," she said airily. "Your medical condition seems like a convenient excuse—"

"Objection!" Kabuto said, rising from his seat. "She is leading the witness."

"Overruled," Judge Chiyo said. "Carry on, Anko."

I composed myself and smiled serenely. "Ah, but if you had looked a little more closely at my medical records, you would have noted the salient fact that after my last attack, my GP provided me with a long-term prescription of medicine to suppress my condition."

Mitarashi raised an eyebrow at me and smiled nastily.

"Then strictly speaking your supposed attack should not have happened," she said.

I hesitated. She was right. The medicine _should_ have suppressed any bouts of sleepy limb-flailing. It usually did. I couldn't think of what to say in rebuttal - my mind went blank - but luckily Kabuto coughed surreptitiously and stood up.

"Permission to answer for my client as a qualified medical doctor with prior, professional experience of this particular drug," he said, inclining his head politely.

"Permission granted," Judge Chiyo said.

"It is possible," Kabuto said, "that the effects of the drug may be counteracted or, indeed, overridden, as a result of recent emotional stress. Sasuke may very well have suffered from a period of psychological trauma prior to his attack."

"Very well then," Anko said, beginning to pace, "had you suffered any sort of emotional stress prior to your attack?"

My mind instantly flashed back to the night at Jiraiya's 50th birthday bash when I got horrendously drunk and woke up next to the boss in bed the next morning. I took a deep breath and prepared myself to lie as convincingly as possible, because Itachi was sitting on the witness bench with Naruto, Suigetsu, Gen'yumaru, Amachi, Karin and some other people I didn't know - probably cabin crew. He was watching me intently. The boss was also watching me, though he seemed a little worried, and I wasn't sure why.

"Of course," I replied smoothly. "I mean, I had just recently uprooted from Konoha, my home town, moved to a completely different country, quit my old job which I had held for a very long time, and transferred to a higher-powered job in another company. I suppose I didn't think it bothered me at the time... Perhaps I was wrong. Also, the night before the party - oh, I'm rather embarrassed to admit this," I added coyly, feigning shame, "but I watched a film called Snakes on a Plane with Naruto and some friends. It scared the living daylights out of me, and... well... when I accidentally punched Tanaka-san... I was fending off snakes."

This earned another giggle from the audience. That was good. I had got them on side with that laugh.

Anko seemed convinced by this. Well... maybe "convinced" isn't quite the right word, because she rolled her eyes and said, "no further questions. Let's crack out the witnesses. "

As I returned to my seat, feeling quite pleased with myself, the boss caught my eye and winked. I winked back and sat down to watch Mitarashi humiliate herself trying to interrogate my brother, my friend and my colleagues. She tried hard to find a shred of evidence against me, bless her, but my defence was watertight. The incident where I kicked Itachi out of bed was gone over repeatedly, the ill-starred camping trip with Naruto was examined in startling detail (she even had the receipt for Naruto's dental work) and the Snakes on a Plane, and the ins-and-outs of the actual incident discussed _ad nauseum_ with Suigetsu, Karin, Gen'yumaru and Amachi. The highlight of this part of the trial was Suigetsu's retardedly hilarious reconstruction of the incident, complete with wild gestures and sound-effects:

"Yeah, and he was banging and banging on the canopy real loud and screaming weird random shit, and we were just sitting talking in our pods, like, 'what the fuck?' and Karin called the cabin crew and that guy Jin came with those two girls. Then they unlocked Sasuke and he totally rushed out and he his eyes were rolling and he was drooling and everything and he went "WoooOOOOOOOooooOOOOoooOOOOoooughhh...". His arms were everywhere, man, it was unreal. He almost slapped me too, but he didn't, he punched that other guy and he floored him. Totally out of it, man. Didn't know what he was doing. Only woke up when we pinned him down and splashed Gen's wine over his face, and he had no idea what he'd done. Totally insane. Funny as fuck, though..."

It when Kabuto's turn to cross-examine the witnesses for the defence came that everything went downhill. I was later to learn that the bastard had it all planned out from the beginning, but at the time, I was so shocked that I just couldn't think - let alone get my brain into gear to put two and two together in order to suspect anyone of anything.

He called Itachi to the stand and questioned him briefly before letting him go. He did the same to Suigetsu, Karin, Amachi and Gen'yumaru in turn before he came to Naruto. All credit to him, he did play a subtle game, asking Naruto about the camping trip first and only then moving on to the emotional stress post-birthday bash. He asked Naruto all-too-casually (now that I look back on it), "So, Naruto-kun. Do you have any reason to believe that Sasuke would have experienced any emotional stress shortly before his flight back to Otogakure?"

Oh. Holy. Hell. On a stick and covered with chocolate fucking sauce.

As soon as I heard those words come out of Kabuto's dirty, scheming mouth, my palms began to sweat. Naruto, you see, is one of those rare people whose pure, innocent virtue transcends all notions self-preservation and practicality. In other words, he cannot and will not lie - not even to save himself, or, more importantly, me. An examples from our childhood, perhaps, will illustrate this most incredibly stupid attitude to ethics and morality:

Having decided that we didn't have the time to study, Sakura and I conspired to cheat on our maths quiz, and, foolishly, we let Naruto in on the game (we took pity on him because he was always just scraping by). During lunch-break while Sakura kept a look-out for Iruka-sensei, Naruto and I sneaked into the classroom, found the test paper, copied the answers and put paper back in the exact place we found it. When we all came out of the test with perfect scores the next day, Iruka-sensei accused us of cheating. He had absolutely no evidence against us because we purposefully came up with different ways of working out the problems to avoid accusations of cheating - _and_ we were all sitting in different parts of the classroom. Nevertheless, he made us stay behind after class and sat watching us in silence, trying to get us to crack. It didn't take long. Within minutes, Naruto had hyperventilated, broken down and, as a result, ended up tearfully revealing our grand scheme. We got two weeks of detention and a terse note sent home to our families.

Like I said, he cannot lie - and Kabuto knew this. How, I do not know. But he did. And he took advantage.

"Errrr..." Naruto began, his cheeks already flushing, "well, Kakashi did make him watch that movie. It would be pretty scary if you're afraid of snakes, heh heh."

"Hmmm..." Kabuto said, pacing the floor in front of the stand, "yes, I suppose you're right, Naruto-kun. It would be pretty scary. Though, are you sure nothing else happened that night at the party?"

"Well, I kinda broke Sasuke's arm," he said sheepishly, scratching his head. "But that was an accident."

"Ahh, yes, of course," Kabuto said, smiling the small, smug smile of a serial plotter. "That would have contributed, naturally. But did you see Sasuke after the party at all?"

At this point, I was desperately trying to make eye contact with Naruto, making frantic eyebrow gestures while trying to keep an eye on Itachi. His head was tilted slightly to one side, and he was fidgeting with his lips and watching Naruto closely. Too closely.

"Errrr... well... yeah, I did see him after the party," Naruto said hesitantly.

"Did you see anyone else?" Kabuto asked, casually observing his fingernails.

Naruto hesitated and his face flushed bright red. He finally caught my eye. I gave him an imploring look and put the palms of my hands together, pleading with him to be dishonest for once in his damn life. Naruto looked as though he was about to cry.

"I- I saw Orochimaru-sama," he said.

"Oh?" Kabuto said, feigning surprise. "And what was Orochimaru-sama doing there?"

At this point, Judge Chiyo made an attempt to interrupt Kabuto's ruthless exploitation of the innocent by asking where his line of questioning was going, but Kabuto interrupted her - actually interrupted her, he must've really wanted this to happen the way he'd planned it - held up his hand and said, "A moment, Chiyo-baa-sama, that is all I ask of you. Go ahead, Naruto-kun."

Naruto's mouth started squirming uncomfortably in his seat, and I looked round in time to see Itachi narrow his eyes suspiciously. I started to feel a little faint. There was nothing I could do. Nothing. I couldn't drag either Itachi or Naruto away, and neither could I find a way to stop the trial by setting off the fire-alarm or something else inane like that. I was tied to the metaphorical railway line and the bullet-train, driven by an insane and jealous Kabuto, was coming straight for me.

"No," I mouthed silently to Naruto. "No, no no..."

"He... He... " Naruto began, his mouth working furiously in agitation, "... he came round to give Sasuke back his underpants."

A hush fell over the court, over participants and spectators alike. Suddenly, all eyes were on me and I felt hundreds of shocked gazes boring into the back of my head. I was sitting between Gai and Lee and I could feel them edging away from me. My hands gripped the arms of my chair and I stared straight at Naruto, willing him to look at me. He did, and my heart sunk as he mouthed the words, "I'm sorry."

Then Kabuto dropped the death bomb. He closed his eyes, smiled and asked,

"Can you recall, Naruto-kun, why Orochimaru-sama had Sasuke's underwear in his possession?"

My hands went to my mouth and I closed my eyes, readying myself for the final blow. It was just like math class all over again. Naruto had broken out into a cold sweat and he was almost hyperventilating.

"Please, Naruto..." I whispered. "Please don't..."

With his eyes screwed tight shut, twisting the cuff of his jacket in both hands, Naruto sealed my fate and squeaked out, "B-because Sasuke had stayed the night in Oro's room and he forgot them."

My head fell into my hands as the world collapsed around me. There was another ponderous silence, broken only by a single, terrifyingly familiar voice.

"How long?" Itachi said forcefully.

I did not - could not - look at him. I just sat there at the table with my head in my hands, shaking. When he was met with silence, Itachi repeated, with greater vehemence, "How long, Sasuke?"

I took a deep, shuddering breath and raised my head to meet my brother's gaze. It wasn't pretty. There was fire in his eyes, I swear to god. His body was trembling slightly as he tried to suppress his rage, and his nostrils were flaring alarmingly.

"Over a month," I said quietly. "Since that night at Jiraiya's party."

Itachi fell silent for a long moment and stared at his hands, appearing to consider something. Then there was a blur, and the next second he was haring up the aisle towards the boss. There was a frantic scuffle, followed by an indignant yell and another and yet another as the boss trod on toes and tripped over handbags trying to get away from an enraged Itachi.

The courtroom was laid out so that a central aisle ran down the middle with two smaller ones next to the walls at the outer edges. The boss, huffing and panting, had managed to escape to the relative safety of the wall aisle. Itachi was standing opposite him in the central aisle, his fingers twitching madly as though he would have loved nothing more than to wrap them round the boss's neck and squeeze. They both looked at one another, then the boss's eyes darted towards the exit. He started to make a run for it, but Itachi ran too. He jogged back into position and tried again. Itachi mirrored his every move, blocking his only exit. This ridiculous dance went on for several more cycles until Judge Chiyo felt the need to assert her authority and intervene. She attempted to call security, but not one of the snivelling cowards would go for either Itachi or the boss. She tried screaming at them to sit down under threat of arrest, but the boss wasn't stupid enough to comply and Itachi was too consumed by fury to listen to anyone. Heads in the audience were switching from left to right, left to right, following the heated exchange. No wonder. It was like something out of a bloody soap-opera.

"You... you _pederast_!" Itachi howled, hurling an accusing finger in the direction of the boss.

"Itachi," the boss said, raising both hands in the air in a conciliatory gesture, "just calm down and I can explain..."

"Explain?" Itachi roared. "There is _nothing_ to explain! You have taken advantage of my brother, you... you... you _scoundrel_!"

"Itachi—"

"And no doubt you were engaging in... in _sexual activities_ with my brother while he was in Konoha having his plaster cast removed as well?" Itachi said viciously.

"I was in the towel cupboard," the boss said with a smirk, clearly no longer caring whether he drove Itachi to murder.

Itachi's eye began to twitch madly and I knew that if I didn't say something, he would do something incredibly stupid. I know my brother. He would clamber over and injure any number of innocent spectators in a court room to get what he wanted. I couldn't let that happen.

"Itachi... please," I began, balking when my brother's head snapped round in my direction like something out of The Exorcist. "I... I mean... He didn't take advantage. We were both drunk and... He was going to walk away but I invited him back in..."

"You invited him back in?" Itachi said slowly, looking at me in utter disbelief.

"Yes, I—"

_"You invited him back in?"_

My brother turned back to confront the boss about this revelation to find he had already taken the opportunity to sneak halfway up the aisle. The boss made a dash for it, but Itachi caught up with him again.

"You..." he seethed, his eyes glittering with malice, "you got him drunk just to get him into bed, didn't you?"

"Oh I wouldn't say that," the boss said, grinning. "He was already legless and it was none of my doing. We had a nice philosophical chat by the lake in the moonlight and things sort of took off from there. He's absolutely fantastic, Itachi, and contrary to what rubbish you were trying to feed him, I wouldn't change him for the world - and I don't mind admitting that in front of a room full of people."

Itachi closed his eyes and turned his face skyward. Then he lowered his head, opened his eyes and said menacingly, "take that back."

The boss smirked and said, "Why should I? I meant every word."

"Take it back," he began coldly, preparing to roll up his sleeves, "or I swear I'll—"

Itachi trailed off mid-sentence as something rather disturbing up in the gallery caught his eye. Every head in the audience followed his gaze.

"Hidan..." he said, taking a step backward. "Hidan, no..."

Standing tall up in the gallery was, indeed, Hidan. An aura of batshit insane righteousness radiated from him as though in waves, and I noticed, to my horror, that he was dressed in full ceremonial Jashin regalia. What most people would have noticed immediately, however, (apart from the fact that a complete nutter had clearly infiltrated the court building) was the huge, fucking scythe he had strapped to his back.

"I cannot stand for this any longer, Itachi," he announced, unsheathing his scythe with the spine-tingling scrape of metal against metal. "They think they are fit to judge? They are wrong. WRONG!!"

"Hidan," Itachi said, attempting to calm his colleague down, "please think about what you are about to do, because—"

"Lord Jashin judges!" Hidan bellowed, clearly not listening to Itachi, perhaps because the voices had taken over. "He is the judge and the jury! The alpha and the omega! The ultimate being! This is an illusion of justice! You have no authority!"

Then the fire alarm started ringing - a shrill, strident clanging that made my fillings in my teeth twinge - and smoke began to curl under the door to the main courtroom. Hidan began to cackle madly and everyone started screaming and running for the door. The security team finally sprung into action in order to apprehend the Jashin miscreant, and as they did, the boss took advantage of the chaos and sprinted down the aisle and grabbed my hand. We followed Judge Chiyo out through the antechamber, and as we were about to leave, I looked back just in time to hear Hidan screaming "JASHIIIIIIIIIIIN" as he raised his scythe above his head and took a running leap from the gallery into the fray.

The whole place was filling with smoke, and when we emerged from the court building, the fire-brigade were already rolling out the hoses. Police cars came screeching up the drive and a S.W.A.T. team had been assembled - presumably to take out Hidan. We were all told to stand back - and it was lucky, too, because the next minute, Hidan came charging out, swinging his scythe, laughing hysterically.

A swarm of policemen followed in hot pursuit, saying things like, "ten-four, ten-four, the suspect is heading towards the car park, we need back-up, I repeat, we need back-up!"

Then Itachi emerged, smelling of smoke and looking a little frazzled. He spotted me instantly and sprinted towards me. I cringed, thinking he was going to punch the boss, but he stopped about a foot away and said grimly, "Your car, Sasuke. Give me the keys. Now."

"But why—?" I began, cutting myself off as Hidan came hurting round the corner with a great screech in Kisame's beloved Mini Cooper.

Kisame could be heard screaming from a distance, _"My car! My car! That's my fucking car! He's ruining the brakes! Oh god, he's ruining the brakes, and he's not even in gear!"_

Without another word, I tossed the keys to Itachi and watched as he ran off to the car park along with the rest of his Akatsuki mob. Less than a minute later, my beloved Aston Martin shot round the corner after Hidan and out of sight. I know it really wasn't mine to begin with... but I will miss it deeply. I shall endure, and mourn its loss in silence. Thank god I didn't give the thing a name, otherwise I'd be inconsolable.

After that, the boss and I sat down on the grass and watched the fire-fighters. Naruto, Jiraiya, Sakura and Tsunade found us and came over to make sure we were okay. Then the Otogakure gang wandered over, including Kabuto. By this time, I had become very much aware of his sordid, little plot to expose me, and I had sworn that the next time I saw him, I would have it out with him.

"You..." I snarled. "You did that on purpose, didn't you? Didn't you?"

Kabuto didn't answer, and he just looked at me as though I was something warm and smelly stuck to the bottom of his shoe. Needless to say, this only served to exacerbate the situation, and I lunged for him. The boss grabbed me with both hands around the waist, and held me back. Everyone was watching, but I didn't much care. I struggled for a moment against him, and I heard him hiss in my hear, "I will have words with him, Sasuke-kun. You will calm down, go back to the hotel and wait for me there. I will not be long, I promise you, and I will sort this out once and for all."

I struggled for a little while longer, unable to bear the sight of Kabuto's impassive yet still irritatingly smug face staring back at me. Eventually, though, I fell limp in the boss's arms and he released me.

"Go back to the hotel and get some rest, Sasuke-kun," he said quietly. "I will join you shortly."

Then he beckoned Kabuto, and began walking away in the direction of a nearby bench. "Come here," he said calmly. "I would like a word with you, Kabuto-kun."

Without even the slightest glance at anyone, Kabuto followed and the two sat down on the bench. Already I could hear Kabuto raising his voice agitatedly, and I wanted to go over there and smash his face in, but Suigetsu and the others bundled me into one of the black sedans and took me back to the hotel. There wasn't much talk on the way there, and to be honest, it was incredibly awkward. Well, that was until Suigetsu nudged me and said, with a cheeky grin, "I totally knew you were his type."

I laughed weakly and Suigetsu laughed too. So did the others, and I realised then that they really didn't care that I was seeing the boss. It felt strangely liberating to know that. Gen'yumaru said that he had been wondering why it had taken the boss so long, and Amachi winked and said that he had known all along. Karin was strangely silent on the subject, but she was smiling, so I guess she didn't mind much either.

The walk to the lobby was marked by a fair amount of good-natured teasing, and I tolerated it, mainly out of relief, but also because I was exhausted. Only a few hours had passed, but I had traversed from one emotional extreme to the other and back again and I wanted nothing more than just to lie down and either scream into a pillow or weep. When we reached the lobby, however, I elected to remain there to wait for the boss. The others nodded, understanding the subtext (i.e. I was waiting to see whether he would be entering the hotel arm-in-arm with Kabuto), and they left me alone on the comfy sofas with a glossy, women's magazine.

It wasn't long before the boss and Kabuto returned. I saw the Rolls pulling up out the window and my stomach did another one of those little flip-flops. They came through the automatic doors, and though they weren't arm-in-arm, they weren't not speaking to each other either. Quickly, I put down my magazine and leaned over the arm of the sofa to get a better look. Unfortunately, I rather over-reached the mark and I ended up losing my balance and falling to the floor with a thump.

The boss and Kabuto looked around and spotted me immediately, red-faced and flustered, but before I could say anything, Kabuto approached me and took me by the arm, helping me up. I didn't know what to make of this, so I just stared at him suspiciously.

"Sasuke-kun," he said, "I'd like to apologise for my behaviour. It was deceitful and it was underhand." He sighed then, and ran a hand through his hair. "You know why I did it, though, don't you?" he said with a wry smile.

I nodded.

"Very well," he said. "As long as you understand. Orochimaru-sama and I have resolved matters now, and I must say that it is something of a relief that things are all out in the open."

I was about to reply and say that, yes, it was most definitely a relief, but Kabuto took my hand up in his and shook it, leaning forward to whisper in my ear.

"Good luck," he said, winking at me mysteriously before he headed off to the elevators and out of sight.

As I stood there, blinking owlishly, wondering what in the name of hell all that was about, then boss approached me with a smile.

"I thought I told you to get some rest, Sasuke-kun," he admonished gently, surveying me with amusement in his eyes.

"Well, now that you've decided to turn up, I just might do that," I retorted.

And so here we are in his room, sitting on the couch watching TV together. According to the live KN5 feed, Hidan is just about to reach the border to River Country. There's a big blockade, but I have no doubt that he'll manage to get round it with help from a few friends and a ridiculously fast car. The boss has fallen asleep in my lap, and I've braided his hair into lots of tiny plaits. It'll be all wavy when he wakes up - he's going to be furious. And I'll be able to shout back. In public.

I must say that I'm quite looking forward to it...

* * *

Finally! The trial has come to its conclusion. Well, I say "conclusion"... No verdict was actually reached, but you all know Sasuke's going to get off scot-free anyway.

I'm off to London tomorrow morning for a gig, so I must keep the comments brief - I'm already up too late - but I'd still like to thank everyone for the reviews and for sticking with this fic. It's getting more mental by the chapter, really it is - and it's not over yet! Sasuke was there for two and a half years, remember. I'll be doing a little bit of time-skipping, though, so from now on, it won't be _every_ day of his life at Otogakure, but the interesting bits will be documented, I assure you.

Special thanks must go out to those who deserve all the positive adjectives applied to their names: the awesome qwertumz, the distinctly groovy loved birds, the simply amazing Raspedra Twilight, the utterly fantastic danni quinn, the brilliant ChibiKeimei, Zinjah the Mighty, fiore777, whose coolness transcends all notions of win and pwnage, the eternally wonderful Niver, the incredible Smash Turnip Girl (sounds like a super hero!), the truly marvellous SlythCommand (nice to see you around again! Where have you been:-D), the electric Voltra the Lively, and Alix: The one without Peer.

You guys are too cool. All the positive adjectives in the world do not do you justice. :-D

Now, I really should start packing...


	18. Chapter 18

A Day in the Life

November 24th

Right now, life is good. As it happens, it is also full of hilarity and happiness.

About forty minutes after I rounded up my last entry, the boss woke up and went into the kitchen to make some tea. He immediately clocked his reflection in the glass front of the oven door, spotted the braids, and ended up chasing me around the living room with a cushion, demanding that I untangle his hair. I eluded him for a good few minutes, dancing around the coffee-table and sniggering like a maniac, until he pouted and threw himself down on the sofa in a sulk. Eventually, I took pity and spent about an hour undoing all my hard work in front of the TV.

A little while later, in order to celebrate our new "official" status, I was kissed into the bedroom by the boss. No sex was had, however, because in the middle of a particularly heavy, steamy fumble the boss did something with his tongue which made me giggle. He looked up at me, grinned, and then _he_ started giggling. The next thing we knew, we were both lying on the bed, tangled in the sheets, and crying with laughter for no real reason. We tried to start over, but it lasted all of five minutes before the giggle-fit descended upon us once again with a vengeance, so we gave up and went back through to the sitting room to decide what we were going to do the next day.

I told the boss that the Otogakure gang were planning on doing touristy stuff while in Konoha, and, surprisingly, he seemed really keen on the idea, informing me that "it would be nice to get to know my employees a little better". Thus, when the boss had phoned round and sent out a general notice, the Otogakure Enterprises Big Day Out to Hokage Mountain was born (with a few stragglers from Konoha-Suna Corp tagging along for good measure). While I was in bed reading a book and sipping on a cup of Fair Trade hot chocolate (it had mini marshmallows and whipped cream in it - I almost died and went to heaven), I heard him talking to Jiraiya. By the tone of his voice, something wasn't right, and when he came into the bedroom, I inquired as to whether everything was well on planet Jiraiya. The boss grimaced and shook his head, saying that I didn't want to know.

Naturally, since I am a suspicious sort, this fobbing me off with such a poor excuse only made me want to know more, so I pestered him repeatedly until he caved. Jiraiya, it turned out, had a new girlfriend and wanted to bring her along. The boss isn't too happy about it because he has had years of experience in dealing with Jiraiya's girlfriends, but because Jiraiya is his best friend, he can't exactly force him to exclude his latest significant other from any trips out.

I asked the boss what was so bad about that. "After all," I said, "Jiraiya has put up with a considerable amount of shit in the name of our relationship."

"That's different," the boss replied, waving a hand irritatedly. "Completely different. I could hear her in the background when I was on the phone. Just wait until tomorrow, Sasuke-kun," he added, turning over and switching off the light, "and you'll see what I'm talking about."

We were up bright and early this morning, and after having had some nice sex (the giggles had just about dissipated) followed by some nice breakfast, we wandered down to the lobby to meet everyone else. Suigetsu, Karin, Amachi and Gen'yumaru were already there. Kabuto was also with them and was lying stretched out along one of the big, squashy sofas with a copy of Women's Own draped over his face. It seemed that now he was no longer psychotically obsessed with the boss, he had been reinstated in his former position in the gang. Each and every one of them was reeking of booze, thus it was no surprise to me when Suigetsu tittered and whispered in my ear that they'd only just got back from Club Fun Fun about an hour before.

While the boss sat down at Kabuto's head and inquired after his health, I had a peek outside to see whether anyone was hanging around there. I found Naruto, Sakura and Kakashi waiting impatiently for Tsunade to finish her fifth cigarette of the morning. We ended up chatting, and just as Tsunade was regaling us with a rather hilarious reminiscence involving herself, the boss, Jiraiya, a massive pair of Y-fronts and a wheel-trim, Jiraiya pulled up in his BMW. As soon as his girlfriend emerged from the passenger seat, I knew what the boss was talking about. Everyone present just sort of stared. We couldn't help it. It was train wreck material, I swear to god.

Bedecked with at least twenty plastic bracelets of varying colours on each arm, Jiraiya's latest squeeze stood at about five foot two inches tall. Blonde and tanned with a pair of perky breasts squeezed into a tight pink top upon which the word "PRINCESS" was emblazoned in a silver, glittery bubble font, she stared at us with her huge, blue eyes - framed, as it happened, by a little too much eyeliner. She looked as though she was hardly out of school (I was later to learn that she was sixteen and still, in fact, at school).

Jiraiya grinned, wrapped his arm around her waist and introduced her as Kiku. We nodded vaguely and said hello, and after blowing a massive, pink bubble with her gum, Kiku answered, "Yah, hi," and said to Jiraiya, "So, babe, are these, like, your friends?"

Jiraiya confirmed that her insightful observation was true and when we had each been introduced to Kiku in turn, we made our way into the lobby. The boss looked up and blanched when he saw Kiku. Unfortunately for him, Jiraiya was intent upon having them meet, and while I was sitting talking to Naruto and Sakura, I could hear her saying to the boss, "Like, wow, your hair's beautiful! What conditioner do you use? It's, like, really long and soft! Can I touch it?"

Now, I had to do something about that because, since we are Official, no one except me is allowed to touch the boss's hair. Therefore, I excused myself from the conversation with Naruto and Sakura and stalked over and sat down next to the boss and gave him a small squeeze to let Kiku know that the boss's hair was _my_ territory and that if she dared touch it, I'd have to pin her to the floor in a fit of jealous rage and bite her fingers off. She blinked and said, "Oh, yah, I totally forgot. You guys are going steady, aren't you?"

We informed her that this was indeed the case.

Then she tilted her head to one side, observed us and for some reason felt the need to say to the boss, while masticating vigorously on her chewing gum, "That's cool. I'm totally down with that. But he's way too cute for you, you know."

In the manner of an unstoppable, unavoidable avalanche of blithe tactlessness - totally heedless of the fact that the boss's eye had begun to twitch slightly - Kiku then went on to suggest to the boss that he lay off the purple eye make-up because, although it was a "bitchin" shade, it clashed with his eyes. And after sneaking a quick, critical look at his arse, she also offered the boss a discount at the gym she worked at part-time (where, apparently, she met Jiraiya) because - and get this - she felt that he needed to lose a few around there.

By this time, the boss was almost incandescent with rage, and I was just sitting there with my mouth open, unable to say a word. Luckily, the cars arrived and Jiraiya came over and scooped up Kiku in one arm and escorted her away. For the whole of the car journey up to Hokage Mountain, the boss seethed and ranted about how much he hated Kiku. "She is the worst yet, Sasuke-kun!" he said. "How dare she? The utter nerve of her! Saying I have a— a— How _incredibly_ rude!"

He was becoming quite agitated, so I had to console him and reassure him that, no, I did not think he had a fat arse and also that I found his eye make-up quite attractive. He calmed down a little after that, but when we all met up again in the car-park, he didn't look at or say a word to either Jiraiya or Kiku and stormed off on his own in a bad mood.

I had to track him down before we got in the cable-cars (I found him in the gift shop), and I arranged it so that there was absolutely no possibility of us having to share with Kiku. We ended up cramming in one car with Kabuto, Sakura, Tsunade and Naruto. It turns out that Kiku had also managed to offend Tsunade irretrievably, so she had the boss had a lot to talk about. Kabuto was still feeling a bit rough and he couldn't stop yawning the whole way up. It would have been mind-numbingly dull had the revelation of Sakura's almost crippling fear of heights not come about through the help of Naruto's retarded antics.

About halfway up the mountain, Naruto announced to all those present in the cable-car that we were really high up. "Really, really, really high up!" For a few minutes, he waxed lyrical on the smallness of the general population of Konoha far below at sea-level, before grinning and moving on to give the car a gentle shake by pushing it side to side. Up until this point, Sakura had been strangely quiet, appearing to be content to stare fixedly at the durbar pattered steel floor rather than looking out at the wonderful view. As her knuckles were white from clutching at the edge of her seat, I realised that something was wrong, and I inquired as to whether she was well. "I'm fine, Sasuke," she replied with a faint smile. "I'm just a little afraid of heights, is all. Once I'm up there, I should be okay."

But at that moment, Naruto decided to up the ante in his inane cable-car shaking game and when the whole car was swaying dangerously on the line, Kabuto opened his eyes and casually said, "You know, Naruto-kun, if you build up any more momentum the whole thing will come off the cable and each of us will plummet to an untimely and messy demise."

I think that titbit of information pushed Sakura over the edge, as her hand suddenly shot out and grabbed Naruto really quite hard by the arm. "Naruto," she said hoarsely, as she dragged him towards her and looked him squarely in the eye, "if you do that one more time, I will break both your legs. Do you understand?"

Naruto nodded, made a noise that sounded like "meep", and he was released from Sakura's vice-like grip. Shortly after, we arrived at the summit of Hokage mountain and group photos were taken. A random, passing tourist was roped into taking the photograph on five different digital cameras belonging to various members of the group. It took us ten minutes to get some decent pictures because Suigetsu blinked in one, the boss was talking to Tsunade in another, Kakashi and Naruto both flipped off the camera in a later attempt, and in one particularly lewd shot, Jiraiya was caught in the midst of a full-on and deliberate Kiku boob-grope.

After that, we headed round the forest trail, and I spent most of the time, surprisingly, with Kabuto. When he's not being a plotting, scheming wanker, he is actually rather likeable, and I found myself enjoying his sensible company as he filled me in on last night's Club Fun Fun shenanigans. Apparently, despite swearing that he wouldn't, he got absolutely plastered and ended up entering in for, and winning, the Fun Fun Fun Clubber of the Month competition. I asked what that involved and he shook his head and said, "You don't want to know."

Why does everyone assume that I don't want to know? Really. Is there some sort of grand conspiracy to keep me in the dark about things? Let it be known, world, that I do, in fact, want to know. Knowingly not knowing makes me paranoid and brings me out in a rash.

Anyway, I kept at Kabuto until he revealed the sordid details of his triumph. There were several rounds the entrants had to go through, and the last man or woman standing was the winner. Suigetsu and Amachi entered too, but they were knocked out in the dildo-swallowing round. Kabuto had to emerge victorious through a gauntlet of gruelling trials, including, but not limited to: the dildo-swallowing contest (rather like sword-swallowing, but with a unique Club Fun Fun spin), licking the most peanut butter in the fastest time from a line of assembled arse-cracks, downing a yard of diesel, eating a raw egg without puking, and, perhaps the worst, drinking half a glass of DJ Chris's warm piss.

I marvelled at Kabuto's iron stomach and wondered aloud as to how he was still standing. Kabuto said that as soon as the contest was over and he had been presented with his trophy and sash in front of the cheering crowd, he had run to the toilet and had spewed his guts out. I laughed and said that that explained things, and the rest of the walk round the forest was spent chatting idly. At one point, Suigetsu made the boss laugh rather loudly and I heard him saying "Shhh, he'll hear you," clearly referring to me. No doubt my co-worker was regaling the boss with dirty stories concerning myself. Oh well. That was alright. As long as he didn't mention the Tayuya and the twins episode. That one could be embarrassing...

We lost Jiraiya and Kiku about three-quarters of the way round. Naruto and Kakashi were sent to find them. The whole group would have accompanied them, but Tsunade and the boss vetoed it. Half an hour later, Naruto and Kakashi had returned empty-handed and the boss huffed and rolled his eyes and sent a rather terse text to Jiraiya to let him know we'd be down at the Kaiseki restaurant just outside the hotel - if he felt like joining us.

The descent was uneventful, bar my chancing to look up and see Suigetsu and Naruto mooning us from the next cable car, and we arrived at the restaurant in good time, though we had to wait fifteen minutes before starting, because the boss sent Naruto home to change into something more suitable. I asked him what Kiku would do if she turned up with Jiraiya, but the boss didn't answer me. He just smiled in a nasty way and sat down.

Eventually, Jiraiya turned up with Kiku halfway through the tea ceremony. This was no surprise to anyone because we could hear Jiraiya yelling at the front of house staff, accusing them of snobbery. When they finally appeared, Kiku was blissfully unaware of all the trouble she'd caused and sat down with a jingle of plastic bangles, stealing one of Tsunade's napkins so she could spit her gum into it. Jiraiya's face was like thunder, however, and through gritted teeth, he asked the boss if he could have a word with him.

The boss smiled and obliged, and he was taken round the back of a bamboo screen. Now, personally, I didn't much see the point of that because I could hear every single word of their ferociously whispered conversation anyway.

Jiraiya: "You did that on purpose, Oro."  
The boss: "Excuse me?"  
Jiraiya: "I know it. You did that on purpose just to humiliate us!"  
The boss: "And how exactly have you arrived at that illogical conclusion? I had someone book the table last night. You had _ample_ time to inform her. How was I to know your little harridan would turn up in jeans and a t-shirt?"  
Jiraiya: "Don't call her that! You know nothing about her!"  
The boss: "I know enough."  
Jiraiya: "You know what, you think you're so fucking clever, Oro, you really do. I've had it up to here with you right now, so just shut up and don't talk to me."

For the rest of the afternoon, neither of them spoke to one another, and because it was made silently but explicitly clear that Tsunade had sided with the boss, Jiraiya spent the duration of the meal in sullen silence. Everyone else, however, was fairly perky, and I ended up chatting to Kiku about her schoolwork. Despite the boss having it in for her in a big way, she wasn't as loathsome or as idiotic as I had originally thought. Though she does tend to use phrases such as: "yah", "duh", and "like", a little too frequently, apparently, her grades are quite impressive and she's going to sit her final exams soon with hope to either get a job at Konoha-Suna Corp. in Jiraiya's department or to apply for a place at the University of Konoha (to do sports science). I learned that her favourite colours are pink and baby blue, that her favourite bands are The Lost Prophets and Streetlight Manifesto and that her favourite drink is Pepsi. She should get on famously with Itachi. I also learned that she also wasn't allowed to be out late because she had a paper to finish for her language project tomorrow. I said that that was quite understandable, and offered my help should she ever need it for future projects.

I can't make up my mind yet whether she's going out with Jiraiya for the money and the fun, or because she genuinely likes him. Maybe it's too early to tell. I tried broaching the subject with the boss earlier on when we had arrived back at the hotel and he had come out the shower in a haze of steam with a towel wrapped round his head. His bias against, her, I am afraid to say, rather clouded his judgement.

"She's a nasty, little gold-digger who's more trouble than she's worth, Sasuke-kun," was his curt reply. "Don't be taken in."

Right now, he's on the phone to Tsunade ranting about Kiku. She's on speaker-phone and I can hear them both through the wall. I must confess, I am astounded. I had no idea Tsunade could be so bitchy. I expected it from the boss, of course, but Tsunade? God knows what she says about me behind my back.

Poor, little Kiku. She really has no clue what she's managed to get herself into...

* * *

Hello guys! Thanks for the well-wishes and stuff for the jaunt down to London. The gig was fantastic and I'm rather glad I went. It was Muse at Wembley stadium in case you were wondering.

I think it's that time again, though. Yes! Time for the thanks, because without you guys, this story really wouldn't be as fun to write.

Thanks must go out to: **qwertumz** (I agree. Seeing Hidan and Kabuto duking it out would be so fantastic, I think I might weep just thinking about it. Kabuto would sooooo win), **Voltra the Lively** (Yay! Sasuke has got off scot-free, though he still needs official confirmation from Chiyo. I think I might join you in your electric slide routine. Whee! -), **eerabbit** (thankye for the gig wishes. It was a jaw-dropping spectacle, truly. Muse do love to go all-out in their live shows. And the "pederast" line - you have no idea how long I'd been waiting to write that one down... XD), **fiore777** (you are far too observant - though part of me squees when you pick up on all the little things I like too. Yes, there was a bit of pathos in the Kabuto moment, but fear not! He's going to play a much greater part in the story from now on. Watch this space!), **missyserena214** (thanks for the London well-wishes! I had a great time. Yeah, I'd been waiting a long, long time to write out that Hidan scene. I kept laughing when I was writing it - it was most distracting! XD), **SlythCommand** (Yay! It's so nice to see you kicking around fanfiction dot net again. :-) Glad you liked the "pederast" and the Hidan moments - I swear those scenes have been filed away in the back of my head for ages and the wait I had to endure to use them was almost unbearable. XD), **danni quinn** (thanks for the gig well-wishes, it was seriously fantastic and I enjoyed it muchly. Lol! I'm totally agreeing with you. I hope Hidan never makes it to where I live. There would be carnage, and I don't think I could deal with that. XD), **The Cloaked Schemer** (I apologise for killing your brain. There was supposed to be some sort of fund available for the paying of medical bills for comedy fic-induced injuries, but I don't think that materialised. Please, don't sue, and I'll love you forever!), **ChibiKeimei** (Lol, I love that image too, of Oro dancing up and down the opposite aisle trying to get away from being pounded into a stain on the floor by Itachi. And "pederast"... ahhh... it was so long in the making, but finally I've managed to get the scene out of my brain and onto the page. It is a much underused word. People should inject it more into everyday conversation), **RaspedraTwilight** (Ahhh, fear not, for Itachi isn't quite out of the picture yet. Sasuke and Oro were lucky that Hidan interrupted the trial. Bear in mind that it's close to a particular time of year when seeing family is somewhat unavoidable ;-)), **Niver** (Lol, thanks for the compliment. I think I have a bit of a way to go yet before I reach godly status - though my 200 line clearing Tetris victory should see me well on the way! XD), and the delightful **ArilianaFireQueen** (you have your adjective because you are hella cool and damn well deserve it. I just hope that Oro and Azula never meet. There may be an explosion of sorts. Isn't it annoying when your characters own the hell out of you?)

Once again, thanks for the review. You guys rock immensely. If you're looking for another good read, fiore777's sannin fics and drabbles are pretty fantastic, and they deserve reviews and such, too. :-)


	19. Chapter 19

A Day in the Life

November 25th

I was bored this afternoon hanging around in the lobby after the boss kicked me out, stating that he wanted some "me" time (I don't know why. It's always "me" time in the world of Orochimaru). So I texted around and I ended up in Mos Burger having lunch with Naruto, Sakura, Kakashi and Kabuto, which felt rather nice because I have fond memories of the place - mostly involving us sitting there at a chipboard table at 1am after drinking ourselves silly at a bar and talking utter nonsense. When we were first starting out, with our feet resting but on the initial rung of the corporate ladder, Naruto, Sakura and I would always eat out at Mos Burger either a) because we were broke, flat-sharing and were thus on a ridiculously and perpetually tight budget, or b) because we were out of food and no one could be bothered going shopping, or c) because the thought of another round of insipid bacon sandwiches with hideous Mal-Mart Smart Price bread, bacon and red-coloured vinegar - sorry, I mean ketchup - made us want to weep.

Anyway, being there again after all those years felt like old times and I cheered up considerably. Kabuto and Kakashi went to queue at the counter with intent to acquire food and the rest of us trudged upstairs to find a table. They came up fifteen minutes later with two trays crammed full of Mos Burger goodness. My mouth was watering - I cannot deny it. Between us, we demolished: eight portions of fries, three portions of onion rings, two lots of chicken nuggets, one green salad (Kabuto's - he's vegetarian, and I find this highly ironic considering he's always cutting things up in R&D), one spicy Mos cheeseburger (mine), two shrimp burgers (Naruto's), one Takumi burger (Kakashi's), one kinpira rice burger (Kabuto's veggie choice again), and one chilli dog (Sakura's). The place was absolutely packed and we could hardly hear one other over the noise of consumers happily chatting and chowing down. We had a fun time bitching about the various crying kids in our general vicinity and laughing at the morbidly obese man who tripped up the stairs, knocked over an old lady and fell face first into his chicken burger.

Now, while all this was happening, Sakura was contentedly munching away at her chilli dog. It seemed a pretty normal, non-descript hotdog of average tastiness - neither particularly foul, nor particularly fair. The plain exterior of the hotdog, however, belied the horrid, gristly bolus that lay within, waiting to strike the unsuspecting consumer.

When Kakashi was grossing us out with another one of his pigeon stories (he spends far too much time at the Public Park skiving off work with Jiraiya) involving a young pigeon joyfully pecking up a massive greener a tramp had hawked up, Sakura took a bite from her chilli dog. She chewed for a few moments and everything seemed normal. Soon, though, her face turned pale and she grabbed the sleeve of my shirt and wretched. At first everyone thought the little pigeon's gob gobbling antics had turned her stomach and Kakashi laughed and said, "Sakura, you're such a chick. I told that one to Tsunade yesterday and she thought it was hilarious." However, when she began to wave her hands madly about her head and choke, it dawned on us that all was not well.

In a flash, Naruto was on his feet and performing a manoeuvre approximating that devised by Dr Heimlich with considerable vigour, and everyone in the place had stopped to stare, open-mouthed, clearly waiting for something horrible to happen. I was reaching for my phone about to call for an ambulance and Kabuto was frantically trying to stop Naruto from breaking any of Sakura's ribs. Fortunately, no medical assistance was required, as a few further abdominal thrusts saw the offending obstruction violently expelled from Sakura's airway. I watched, transfixed, as a grey, gristly lump passed before my eyes at speed, avoiding my face, but hitting Kabuto on the cheek with a wet slap. The lump hit the floor and Kakashi leaned forward slightly in order to better observe it. His nose wrinkled with distaste, as did mine. Kabuto, however, was just standing there looking faintly stunned and a little green around the gills with his hand raised to touch the place where the lump had defiled him.

"Kabuto, are you okay?" I asked him warily.

His response? He only went and threw up all over the floor and _all over the apple pie I was saving for dessert!_

There was a rousing chorus of "Ewwwww" and diners leapt from their chairs to avoid the spray. Decidedly worse for wear, Kabuto raised a hand and said, "S-Sorry, everyone... Sorry! I do apologise."

As Naruto had his hands full taking care of a wheezing Sakura, Kakashi and I made to begin the dirty job of absorbing vomit with handfuls of tissue-thin napkins, but someone must have alerted the manager to the chaos, as she came sprinting up the stairs flanked by two underlings armed with mops and buckets. She must have heard about the choking incident, because she was extraordinarily courteous and contrite in the carefully-crafted concern she showed for Sakura and Kabuto in order to prevent them from suing. The result of this was that in exchange for our silence, we were each offered an employee's fifty percent discount card and free apple pies.

It is official. We can be bought.

I feel so cheap...

But the apple pie was delicious.

LATER:

I had a chat with Kabuto later when we went down to the hotel restaurant for dinner. Apparently he really hates gristle, and the reason he became a vegetarian in the first place was because he had a traumatising experience when he was a kid with - guess what? - a nasty, gristly hotdog. His foster-father had bought him one from a stand and he said he bit into it and this weird, grey juice came spurting out, revealing tubes and bits of bone and skin. Needless to say, he was promptly sick all over his dad's new beige chinos and he was dragged home and sent to bed early as a result of his misdemeanours. He's never eaten meat since, he said, and he supposed that being hit on the face by Sakura's gristle missile brought it all back to him - with somewhat spectacular results.

I swear to you... with all these horror stories involving hotdogs doing the rounds - I'm never, ever going to eat one of those things again.

I won't be at all surprised if I have nightmares tonight about giant hotdogs splitting open and drowning me in their gristly innards...

November 26th

Theoretically, I suppose nothing much has happened today, as I can count everything that _has_ happened on one hand. However, if the emotional significance of any given event is measured in units of fingers, then there are not enough pairs of hands in the world that can measure the amount of shit I've been through today.

So far, my day has consisted of:

1) a minor disagreement with the boss

2) the resolution of the aforementioned disagreement with the boss

3) receiving an e-mail from Itachi which made my stomach churn with anxiety

4) a major disagreement with the boss as a result of said e-mail, which has not yet been resolved because I am staying with Kabuto.

I should've known today would be the epitome of terrible because it really did start out on the wrong foot. No. Make that the wrongest foot. The wrongest foot ever in the history of wrong feet.

The boss had planned to visit the Konoha War Museum with Jiraiya this morning, but they're still not speaking, so he hung around in the hotel room in a foul mood, bitching and moaning and slamming things down on tables, informing me (ad nauseum) about how stubborn/idiotic/insert any negative adjective you care to name Jiraiya was. I had intended to stay in, be sympathetic and make an attempt to cheer him up, but this plan was nipped in the bud when I _accidentally_ ate one of his pieces of breakfast chewing gum and he went off on one. Now, he left the damn gum on the glass table out on the balcony for some reason, which led me to believe it was left over from yesterday. How the hell was I supposed to know that he suffers from a terrifying, obsessive-compulsive mania with regards to having _exactly_ _three_ pieces of chewing gum in the morning?

He threw one of his strops and stomped back into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. I retreated into the lounge where I threw myself onto a sofa and screamed into a cushion. After half an hour or so, I decided that we'd both had enough cool-down time and I approached the bedroom door and knocked on it tentatively.

"Hello?" I began softly. "It's me. Can I come in?"

No answer. I sighed and opened the door a crack. Peeking round the frame, I was greeted with a sorry sight to behold. The boss had drawn the curtains and the whole room had descended into darkness, except for the light of a lone tea-light candle flickering mournfully on the bedside cabinet. The boss was lying in bed, hiding under the duvet and curled up in the foetal position. I could see strands of his hair sticking out the air hole he'd left for himself.

"I'm sorry for eating your chewing gum," I said, as nicely as possible so as not to set him off.

"Sasuke-kun," he said, his petulant tone muffled by the duvet, "I cannot speak to you right now. Please go away."

Any pretence of sympathy I had hitherto possessed vanished in an instant.

"You know what?" I snapped, my hands on my hips. "You're such a fucking drama queen, honestly! It was just a bit of chewing gum! Would it make you feel any better if I got you three new bits?"

The boss made a muffled, non-committal noise from the depths of the duvet which I took to mean "yes". This resulted in a quick trip to the little hotel shop which sells various, sundry staples like inflatable neck-pillows, mains adapters, hideous Hawaiian souvenir shirts and snacks. I purchased two packs of Wrigley's Doublemint gum (one for the boss and one for myself to prevent further mishap) and took the elevator back to the room. Once inside, I raided the kitchen cupboards for a plate. I arranged the three pieces of chewing gum upon said plate in the manner to which the boss is accustomed and I breezed into the bedroom and set it down on the bedside cabinet without a word.

About two hours later, while I was sitting out on the balcony reading a book with a plate of cherries, the boss appeared. He was wearing his black silk robe and his hair was in tangles. His eye make-up was a little on the smeared side too. He didn't say a word to me (because I sincerely believe the boss would rather be tied up and beaten bloody with bamboo sticks before apologising to anyone) but he ran his fingers through my hair and kissed the top of my head on the way to his comfy chair. Before long, all was forgiven, and the shougi board was brought out.

A surprisingly competitive, four hour game followed. The boss won, but only just, and he definitely panicked a bit when, at one point, I had his king in check. I think he was quite impressed by my talent for shougi and I lapped up the compliments, conveniently neglecting to tell him about my forays into the game with Shikamaru in my Academy days. Let me tell you, when Shikamaru is your opponent, you learn to play well - fast. At the time, he held the titles of regional, national and international junior champion, so it really was no surprise that he flattened me in every game. I learned a lot, though, and I spent many an idle weekend afternoon absorbing Shikamaru's freakishly in-depth knowledge on defensive formations, attack strategies and which pieces it was useful to promote and which to leave alone. Thus, I put up a hell of a fight against the boss.

After the game, we decided to get ready to go out for something to eat - just the two of us. I went for a shower, and when I emerged, freshly washed and smelling of the white musk shower gel I'd used, I decided to check my e-mails.

This was a mistake.

I had the following e-mail from Itachi:

----  
From: "Uchiha Itachi"  
Subject: none

Dear Sasuke,

I am fine, thank you for asking. (My dear brother's cutting sarcasm, I'm afraid. I have not contacted him since everything kicked off at my court case. I know. I am a bad person.) We managed to avoid a clash with law enforcement and passed over the border into River Country without injury or incident. My colleagues wish to thank you for the use of your vehicle, without which we could not have hoped to avoid pursuit. Mercifully, Kisame's vehicle has also survived, although it is sorely in need of new brake pads and re-treading.

I will not lecture you here on your poor choice of partners, Sasuke. You know my feelings on the matter and those have not changed. I would like to ask you, however, what you wish to do about Christmas this year.

Since you kindly took the trouble to attend at the small Akatsuki gathering last year, I feel it only fitting that I should make the effort to come visit you. If this is the case, Kisame may very well join us. If not, he will return home to Mizugakure to visit Zabuza, Haku and other friends and family.

I would appreciate it if you let me know sooner rather than later so I can book flights and such.

Itachi.

P.S. Your car will be waiting for you when you arrive in Otogakure. I know you are still in Konoha, because I have tried to call repeatedly and have been met each time with an answer-phone message. Yes, I will permit you to keep the car, despite the fact that you blatantly and knowingly lied to me regarding the nature of your relationship with Orochimaru.  
----

The last line he forgot to add should have read: "And may it be a reminder of your guilt."

Now, I must confess that I did not factor as to where the boss would fit into all this. In my mind, I suppose I had already assumed that, since we'd only been seeing one another for a few months, we weren't quite ready to spend Christmas together. Needless to say, the boss felt differently, and this served to cause a considerable amount of friction at dinner that night.

Picture the scene: the boss and I sat either side of a table upon which the most beautiful pieces of gastronomic art were displayed in even more beautiful wares. Dressed in our finest, we chatted and got along famously in our own private room while listening to the music provided by several geisha. I have never eaten anywhere quite so civilised before, and I don't mind admitting that I was terrified that I'd do something wrong. My strategy? Watching the boss and copying what he did. By the time the saké made an appearance, though, I started to care a little less.

It was the perfect picture of a civilised, intelligent, graceful and traditional dining experience, and I enjoyed every minute of it... until I had to spoil it all by mentioning in passing about the e-mail I had received from Itachi and my Christmas dilemma.

The boss's chopsticks halted halfway to his mouth and he observed me carefully.

"Are you going to stay with Itachi?" he asked slowly.

Now, maybe it was the alcohol flowing through my veins and clouding my normally acute empathetic senses, but I could identify no warning signals whatsoever at that point. Hence the series of fatal errors I made...

"I'm not sure what I'm going to do this year," I replied brightly, sipping at my cup of saké. "I don't fancy trekking out to River Country again, though. I could never sleep properly at night for fear that Kakuzu would break in and do something terrible to me in the name of comedy."

"So you will be staying in Otogakure?" the boss said, still observing me over his chopsticks.

"I think so," I answered. "So it might end up being Itachi, Kisame and myself. Might be quite nice just to have a quiet, three-person affair, don't you think?"

The boss smiled wryly and set down his chopsticks. He said nothing, and in my slightly inebriated state, I chattered away to fill the silence.

"What are your plans for Christmas this year, then?" I asked cheerfully, taking a mouthful of rice.

The boss smiled in a funny way and looked at me intently. "Oh, I was rather hoping to spend it with you, Sasuke-kun," he said in a manner that was far too casual, now that I look back on it.

Bewildered at this unexpected turn of events, my brow wrinkled in puzzlement. "You what?" I said.

A fine display of eloquence. I think not...

"You seem shocked," the boss said quietly. "I take it to mean that the thought of spending Christmas with me has not even crossed your mind."

It was only then that I began to perceive the danger signs. The boss was smiling at me in an ominous way. I stuttered and backtracked and tried to get out of it. It was no use. The alcohol rendered me utterly transparent and the boss saw right through me.

"N-No, not at all!" I said, panicking slightly. "I'd love to spend Christmas with you. Really," I added, meaning it. "It's just that Itachi—"

"What about Itachi?" the boss interrupted, his voice possessing an edge to it it had not hitherto possessed.

I paused for thought, and as I fidgeted, the bowl of shredded daikon suddenly became very interesting indeed. How could I get across the fact that Itachi simply would not want him there? I could imagine it: the traditionally cheerful Christmas morning when one is supposed to be at peace with the world descending into a bitchfest or a brawl. No. I couldn't let that happen. Things, I decided, had to be discussed right then and there.

"Well," I began, attempting to be as tactful as possible and failing miserably, "I rather assumed that since Itachi tried to do you a severe injury during my court case that you were aware of his feelings concerning us seeing one another."

"Your point?" the boss said waspishly, leaning back slightly and folding his arms.

"Well, you see..." I said, cringing slightly because I knew that the boss wasn't going to take it at all well, "I think it might be a little awkward if... you... were... to... come..."

I trailed off pathetically under the weight of the boss's gaze. The geisha began to play a jaunty little number that clashed terribly with the gravity of the moment. The boss's mouth thinned and his jaw stiffened. I opened my mouth to apologise, but then, without looking at me, he smiled a nasty smile and picked up the bowl of soy sauce. Observing it momentarily in his well-manicured hands, he rose to his feet and launched it across the room. The bowl shattered and soy sauce went everywhere. The geisha immediately stopped playing and bowed their heads, pretending that they had not witnessed a thing.

I sat there with my eyes closed and my hands clasped in my lap. When I opened them, the boss was pacing back and forth across the floor like a trapped animal in a cage. At this point I was approaching terrified, but I knew the boss well enough to know what to do. I remained stoic and stared straight ahead at the ink landscape on the opposite wall, willing myself not to shout back.

"Itachi!" the boss spat. "Itachi, Itachi, Itachi! Even now, when everything is out in the open, you continue to permit him to run your life for you—!"

Needless to say, my plan to remain calm and not shout back did not work.

"What!?" I snapped, incredulous and indignant. "Don't be ridiculous. I don't know what delusion you are labouring under, but —"

"Don't you _dare_ call me deluded, you silly, little boy!" the boss seethed, whipping round on his heel, the black folds of his kimono whirling about him like a thunderstorm. "You will listen to me, and you will listen to me now! Itachi is controlling you! He exerts a considerable amount of influence over you and he knows it! He is manipulating you and it seems he has done so ever since you were children. What surprises me most is that you continue to let him—!"

"What!?" I stuttered, becoming more and more angry and flustered as the boss went on. "Don't be so stupid! It's _nothing_ to do with that! He's my brother, that's all!"

"Itachi runs your life," the boss hissed. "He dictates every path you take, from any relationships you may develop, to the job you have that keeps your clothes on your back! If what you desire conflicts at all with what he wants of you, you are put through torture until matters are resolved in the way which suits him. He is the centre of your world, Sasuke-kun, and you unwittingly dance around him, constantly trying to keep him happy..."

The boss... Well... I know now why he said what he said. The benefit of hindsight is both a blessing and a curse. I know he is very attached to me and that underneath the psychotic, borderline temper-tantrum he meant well, but at that point, I simply could not see past the fact that he had just delivered - to my face - perhaps the biggest insult I had ever received in my life.

I was trembling with rage. Two little spots of colour had bloomed on my cheeks. I couldn't speak, I was so angry. I couldn't do anything but sit and stare, my teeth grinding together so hard it felt like they would weld together. The boss was still ranting and raving - pacing back-and-forth, back-and-forth - the lone figure centring in my slowly reddening field of vision. My hand reached for the bottle of saké and, slowly, I rose to my feet and walked over to the boss. I stood in front of him and he shuddered to an abrupt halt, gazing down his nose at me. He opened his mouth as though he was about to snap at me when I removed the lid from the bottle and poured the entire contents over his kimono before tossing the bottle to the floor and walking out, as though I had not a care in the world, leaving him utterly stunned and dripping wet.

Once I was a respectable distance from the restaurant proper, away from the prying gazes of the other diners and the front of house staff, I broke into a run. I headed straight for the room, tearing into the bedroom and throwing my laptop and a few items of clothing into a bag. I sincerely did not want to be hanging around when the boss came to find me, so I went to the only person I knew would understand...

Kabuto is fixing me a glass of wine as I type this. I haven't had a snivel yet, but I'm sure I will before the night is over.

The boss hasn't tried to call me yet. That in itself is quite odd. Maybe this time I've crossed the line...

I find myself really hoping that I haven't.

Is that pathetic?

LATER:

At around one o'clock, Kabuto found a note shoved under the door addressed to me. It was from the boss. How he knows I am here, I do not know. I know Kabuto didn't tell him, because we've been sitting chatting on the sofa all night. The note read:

Sasuke-kun,

I will speak to you in the morning. This has to be sorted out as soon as possible, as I have no desire to let the matter linger.

I will make my thoughts plain: I wish to spend Christmas with you, and there will be no compromise on my part. Whether you wish to have me around is up to you.

I will meet you in the restaurant for breakfast tomorrow at 9:00am sharp. Do not make me come looking for you.

Oro.  
x

It was quite possibly the strangest note I have received from the boss thus far, being a mixture of informal monickers and kisses on one hand and ominous ultimatums on the other. I didn't really know what to make of it. I folded it up and stuck it in the inside pocket of my robe. For some reason, I really didn't want Kabuto to see it. He still is the boss's most recent ex, after all. Thankfully, though, he had the good grace not to inquire, and fairly soon (perhaps inevitably, you might say) the chat turned to the single biggest thing we had in common.

Even though it was silly and possibly tactless of me to bring up the subject, Kabuto seemed at ease talking about his experiences with the boss, and he ended up telling me how they met in the first place. It was at the departmental reception after Kabuto's graduation ceremony at the University of Otogakure, and as he was top student in his year, one of his lecturers had invited him to meet an astute and successful businessman named Orochimaru. Orochimaru, his lecturer informed him, was recruiting and had been searching the past year for an outstanding young biochem graduate to fill a position in the R&D department. Kabuto agreed to the meeting (mainly because the prospect of a job was quite appealing, having spent the previous six years of his life as a penniless student) and at forty-six minutes past nine that night, Orochimaru swanned into his life.

His reaction upon seeing him for the first time was somewhat different to mine. To put it bluntly, it rather resembled a typical, blaring tabloid headline: "Phwoar!!" Instantly, he told me, he was infatuated. Completely and irrevocably.

Now although Kabuto, I have learned, is exclusively interested in men, he is definitely not the rainbows and hen-nights type. On the contrary. He loathes all of that stuff and, being a scientist, is typically reserved and cynical. Before the boss, he'd had a few relationships here and there (including a disastrous one with a flaky, first-year literature student), but nothing of consequence.

When he got talking to the boss, he said, he suddenly believed, "Oh dear god... this is the man of my dreams!" I nodded sympathetically with my glass of wine in hand as Kabuto went through all the things I myself appreciated in the boss. They ended up taking a walk outside, Kabuto said - shaking his head and smiling at the memory - and all the while the boss was being a witty, charming and intelligent conversationalist. Before long, Kabuto had drunkenly leaned forward and kissed him, and the next thing he knew, they were up in his dorm room, at it like rabbits.

I said somewhat scathingly that the processes involved from party to bed sounded suspiciously like what had happened to me. Kabuto laughed and said he wasn't surprised. Then he turned to me and said, "In all seriousness, Sasuke, I'm rather glad I'm out of it. Orochimaru can be..." and here he hesitated, unsure whether to be brutally honest or tactful in my presence.

I saved him the trouble.

"The words you are looking for are 'high' and 'maintenance'," I said wryly, taking a sip of my wine.

Kabuto laughed again. "Yes," he said, running a hand through his hair, "he is extraordinarily high-maintenance."

"And he's spoiled rotten," I added, while I was on a roll. "And a control-freak. And incredibly jealous. And given to random bouts of psychosis, to boot." I sighed.

"Why do I like him again?" I asked, laughing, though there was a touch of nervousness about it, as I knew there was some truth there.

Kabuto smiled and rose to his feet, giving the signal that he was about ready for bed. "Why, Sasuke?" he replied, cryptically. "I asked myself that many times, believe me. Well... more accurately, the question was 'Why do I still like him?'"

"There's a difference," I said, smiling slightly.

Kabuto nodded thoughtfully. "Yes, you are quite right. There is a difference, Sasuke, subtle as it is. I only pray you don't ever have to ask yourself that question."

With that, Kabuto stepped over my legs and made his way out of the sitting area, not before saying goodnight and wishing me luck for tomorrow.

One thing is for certain, though...

I will never, ever have to ask myself that question, because there is no chance whatsoever that it will come to that point.

I swear it. I will never be silly over anyone. Ever.

May this journal entry serve as a reminder. And this goes for Itachi, too.

* * *

Phew! Heavy stuff at the end there, I think. No more Mr Nice Uchiha... 

Once again, guys, thanks for everything. Your reviews do make me smile, and it's nice to see all the familiar names popping up - as well as the new ones. :-)

Last round's smile-inducers include: **Lisa** (yay! A new reviewer! This makes me feel shiny and special. Oh yes... Glad you appreciated the Streetlight Manifesto reference. They really are an awesome band!), **danni quinn** (lol, I think Hidan would start going ape-shit. He's the sort of person who would lobby for the closure of such salubrious establishments - and if recourse to the law doesn't work, then old-fashioned arson would do the job!), **Zinjah** (perhaps, then, the fic reflects less society's views than my own personal views. I hate homophobia. Senseless rubbish, it is), **Voltra the Lively** (I'm glad you like Kiku. I just cannot bring myself to make one-sided characters. It's so hard, even when I consciously tell myself "Right, this one is going to be a parody. Keep them 2D". I love your screen name, by the way), **fiore777** (Hello again, you epitome of fantasticness! Hmmm... about the age thing. You know what? I don't know! XD I suppose, in my head, they still look like the little fifteen year olds (or so) that they are, but at the same time, they're in their late teens or very early twenties. I have no clue. Just forget you ever spotted it. XD Oro's backside is beautiful, lol. The only reason for the running "fat arse" gag is because in the anime, particularly in one of the openings (can't remember which series, but it's the one where they pan across the sound nin) he looks like he's hiding some mighty ghetto booty back there), **Riana1** (Hello again! I'm afraid that you'll have to consult with my financial adviser regarding the doctor's bills. I no longer do my own accounts (runs away, carrying a suitcase full of money). A giant rubber band ball sounds fun, though. What would I give to hijack it and roll it down a hill and watch the chaos unfold...), **ThisEternalSnowThat'sFalling** (Yay! Another Streetlight Manifesto fan. They are a cracking band, aren't they?), **eerabbit** (believe it or not, the Fun Fun Fun Clubber of the Month award was inspired by real life. I didn't do it - but someone I know did. Yes. Even the warm piss... What a minger!), **missyserena214** (lol, yup. The whole fat arse thing is inspired by the anime. Sometimes, I have noticed that the artists take a few liberties as far as Oro's anatomy is concerned. XD), **yakushi-sushi** (Jesus Christ, a hellhound? Must submit... must submit... type faster. Faster, dammit! Yeah, lol, it's funny though. I remember someone else saying that they don't usually go for OroxSasu. I think it's the whole tone of the fic - and the setting. It's so blatantly a humour-fic and not "Naruto" that people don't seem to mind.), **Raspedra Twilight** (It's funny, but I used to know a few people like that - not to the extent of Kiku, but you probably know what I mean. People that surprise you with sudden bouts of insight. That sort of thing. And you're right. Jiraiya is such a pederast! XD), **Simple-Minded Idiot** (ahhh, thank you for the Tetris congratulations. I just sort of zoned in after level fourteen and the next thing I knew, two-hundred lines. Madness. Haven't done it again since. I love your reviews, though. Insightful, particularly your crack about Sasuke having a bit of a psychiatrist or pep-squad in him. XD Poor boy. He really does take on a lot. You might be glad to know that Itachi and Kisame will definitely be making an appearance for Christmas. I'm still deciding on who from Akatsuki will be going to the Otogakure office party), **SlythCommand** (Yay! You're still here:-) Yes, I'm still shocked at having let Kiku live. Though she would have found a way, anyway, even with my authorly authority as a factor. She's one of these people who just float through life, oblivious, and still manage to get their way. I like her for it, though. Very funny person), **Niver** (Yes! Tetris! Muah hah hah! Don't think I can equal it, though. Endless Tetris is intimidating and could potentially cut me off from the rest of society for ever. XD Glad you like Kiku. I think I like her too. She'll definitely be making further appearances. I have plans for her), and **ArilianaFireQueen** (Glad you could nip in and leave a review before going on the road. Where are you going? Ah well, wherever you are, I hope you have a nice trip! Don't be too hard on Oro. He's a delicate, little thing. XD).

Thanks again, guys. You rawk copious amounts of the stuff. :-)


	20. Chapter 20

A Day in the Life

* * *

AN: Don't usually do this, but when hieilover135 mentioned that the 27th was Lee's birthday, I simply _had_ to fit it into the plan somewhere...

* * *

November 27th

Got a text from Naruto a few minutes ago. It's Lee's birthday today and I have an invite to his board games party. I am supposed to be leaving for Otogakure in a few hours, but Jiraiya is apparently attending and the boss wants to go along and argue with him and spoil the night. Well, he didn't _say_ that, but I know that's exactly what he intends to do. I have a few spare minutes to type up today's goings-on before I should get ready to head over to Lee's.

Breakfast with the boss was an interesting and fairly productive affair.

I woke up this morning on the right hand side of Kabuto's extraordinarily comfortable super king-size bed feeling optimistic and minus any sort of hangover. The reason for my waking state of serenity, however, was probably due to my drooling all the toxins out onto the pillow. It really was quite damp. (Mental note: Must learn to sleep with mouth closed.) I had a quick shifty to see whether Kabuto was awake. Fortunately, he wasn't (he was on his side facing away from me, snoring gently) and I surreptitiously turned the pillow over and went to have a shower and get dressed.

Imagine my surprise when I emerged from the shower, be-towelled and smelling of jasmine, and realised that I had not brought any appropriate clothing with me in my hastily packed bag from last night. I dug around for a while and found only a few t-shirts, a musty pair of jeans, a random pair of suit trousers (why?) and underwear.

I had a dilemma. The restaurant would most certainly not permit me to enter dressed in a blue retro-ringer t-shirt reading "I SHAKE BABIES" (my favourite shirt, a birthday gift from Kakashi) and a pair of boxers. Neither, however, could I risk not turning up...

I went into the sitting area and sat down on the sofa in order to ponder upon my dilemma, turning the key card to the boss's room over in my hands. I needed clothing, that much was certain - and it became apparent that the only way I could get my hands on some was to sneak into the boss's room, rake around in the walk-in wardrobe without waking him, take the first of my kimono that came to hand, and sneak out again.

Easy, right?

At 7:42am, I made my decision. Wedging a rolled-up pair of socks between the door and the doorframe of Kabuto's room so I could be sure I could get back in, I stole along the corridor and swiped the key card as quietly as possible. With barely a click of the lock, I was in. The place was in darkness as the curtains were still drawn, and I had to fumble my way over to the bedroom. My shins remained mercifully unscathed and free from any contact with hard edges of tables and chairs.

Eventually, I reached the bedroom. I pressed my ear to the door to see whether I could discern any noises that might have been associated with a waking Orochimaru. I found none, and so, with stealth, I opened the door a crack and peered through. I could see the boss clearly. Bathed in the light of a mid-winter's moon, he lay tangled in the sheets (having flailed himself out during the night, no doubt), tendrils of hair obscuring his face. I allowed myself a small, fuzzy moment of warmth and watched him sleeping, trying very hard to restrain the urge to vault onto the bed and start tickling him until he woke up, before resuming the mission at hand.

Now, I must confess that multi-tasking is one of my lesser-developed skills, and it is precisely because of my lamentable performance in this area that I found it difficult to both keep an eye on the boss and watch where I was going. Thus, just as I was about to reach the walk-in wardrobe, I tripped over my Louis Vuitton holdall and fell to the floor with a loud thump (my own fault, since the boss told me to put it under the bed a few days ago, saying that I'd end up tripping over it. I scoffed at his warnings.)

I lay still for a minute, cringing in the dark. When I was sure the boss hadn't heard me, I struggled to my feet. As I passed over the threshold of the wardrobe, however, I heard a soft rustle and a moment later, I squeaked in surprise as I felt the boss's arms snake around my waist.

"I told you that you would trip over that holdall, Sasuke-kun," he said, whispering into my ear. "Though what, I wonder, might you be doing here sneaking around at such a silly time in the morning?"

I'm not quite sure what possessed me - perhaps a fit of the sillies - because I decided to be utterly brazen and replied, ever-so-casually, "You're dreaming. I came in to wake you up because you're late for breakfast. Sasuke has been down there waiting for you for the past fifteen minutes, and he's quite impatient."

Then, I pulled of a master-stroke, by reaching back and twisting a strand of the boss's hair between my fingers. He made a low noise in his throat that sounded rather like "mrowwwl". Again, it has to be said: he wants me. No matter what I do, no matter what chaos I cause, he will always, always forgive me. Why? Because I am sexy, and because I am an Uchiha[that's why.

"And why should I want to wake up?" the boss murmured into my ear, spinning me round to face him and dragging me towards the bed with a predatory smile playing around the corners of his mouth. "This seems like _such_ a good dream, after all. Mayhap Sasuke-kun will forgive me for keeping him waiting for just a little while longer..."

Needless to say, filthery ensued. Quite possibly the most intense bout of filthery since the initial night of the ill-fated dirty weekend. My measure of comparison? We cracked a few of the wooden beams on the bottom of the bed. I think the boss would have kept me there all day, had I not stopped him with a cheeky kiss, saying, "Now, now, that's not fair on Sasuke-kun. You wouldn't want to keep him waiting, would you?"

The boss pouted and made an attempt to coax me back into bed, but I was adamant...

"I have to go," I said, pulling away and laying hold of a kimono plus parts that I had left draped over a chair, "but if you're lucky, you might see me again downstairs."

"Very well then," the boss said wryly, reclining upon the sheets and stretching like a contented cat. "Give Sasuke-kun my love when you see him."

I said that I would think about it and then left the bedroom, closing the door quietly behind me. For a while, I just stood there, starry-eyed and swaying slightly from side to side. Then I grinned as I realised that, thanks to my Superior Seduction Skillz, negotiating over Christmas arrangements would be a hell of a lot easier.

This was proven correct as I skipped down to the restaurant at 9:00am sharp, dressed in appropriate clothing, to greet the boss. He was already there, and when he looked up and spotted me, he smiled slightly and indicated by way of gesture that I take the seat across from him. Once comfortably ensconced in my chair, I attempted to up the seduction factor by way of indulging in a spot of footsie, but the boss smiled wryly and said "Don't push it, Sasuke-kun."

I grinned and ceased my harlotry. The boss winked at me, which indicated that while he was not against footsie as a rule, now was not the appropriate time, as we had serious matters to discuss. He leaned forward, placing his hands on the table, and said: "I have decided, Sasuke-kun. I will spend Christmas with you, and you will attend the small gathering at my home in Otogakure—"

I opened my mouth to interrupt and remind him of the whole Itachi issue, which he seemed to have forgot, but he held up a hand said, before I could get a word in, "Listen to me, Sasuke, and don't interrupt. That's very rude, you know."

Rolling my eyes, I sat back and let the boss hit me with his version of our Christmas arrangements. "As I was saying," he began, fixing me with a stern gaze, "we will spend Christmas together in Otogakure, AND - if you wish - you may invite Itachi and Kisame to join us in our festive celebrations."

As I lapsed into a stunned, momentary silence, the boss observed me with amusement in his eyes. He then voiced those very thoughts which had caused the aforementioned stunned silence.

"Why, Sasuke-kun," he said, faking astonishment, "you seem surprised that I would willingly invite your homicidal brother into my home!"

"He's not homicidal," I muttered. Then I thought about it and qualified my statement slightly. "Well... not really."

"Did I not say that I truly do not give a toss about Itachi?" the boss said, picking a grape and popping it into his mouth.

I replied that, yes, I did remember him saying something along those lines.

"Well, I meant every word of it," he said frankly, leaning forward and feeding me a grape. "I can take care of myself, Sasuke-kun. I'm sure I can handle the presence of your delightful brother for a week or so."

"Yes... but," I said through a mouthful of delicious, juicy grape, "it might be a bit awkward with just the four of us."

"I have that covered," the boss replied. "We have our own Christmas tradition, you see..."

"We?" I said, raising an eyebrow, a shade pissed off that the boss had decided to keep this from me, considering all the trouble I'd gone through trying to get Itachi onto the guest list. "Who's _we_?"

It turned out that 'we' consisted of Jiraiya, Tsunade, Mr and Mrs Sarutobi and Kabuto. Those guests were perfectly acceptable and I informed the boss of my opinion. From experience, I know I can get along perfectly well with Jiraiya, Tsunade and Kabuto. I've never met Mr and Mrs Sarutobi, but I'm sure they'll be fine. We can just sit them in front of the box with a blanket and a crossword puzzle book after dinner and they'll be out like a light. Low-maintenance geriatrics. Just how I like it.

Thus, the preliminary guest list was established. All I had to do then was return to the room, hook up my laptop and write a reply to Itachi.

It's a lot harder than I thought. I still haven't sent any of the draft e-mails I typed up, though I have narrowed them down to a shortlist of three:

Version 1 (keeping it light and informal to make it seem like I don't think it's a big deal)

Hi, Itachi!

Glad to hear you made it back safely. Really. I was worried about you.

I'd be more than happy to have both you and Kisame over for Christmas. You might have to put up with Orochimaru, though, as he has expressed a wish to spend time with me over the festive period. Jiraiya, Tsunade, Mr and Mrs Sarutobi and Kabuto will be there too.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Oto-chan.

xxx

Version 2 (I know you don't approve, but I will not compromise on the matter)

Itachi,

I am glad to hear you made it back safely to River Country. I hope everyone else is well.

I know that you may not like what I am about to suggest, but I have decided that I wish to spend Christmas with not only you, but Orochimaru. My affection for him is genuine and that is something you will simply have to put up with. He has graciously agreed to invite both you and Kisame to his home for my sake, as I would sincerely like to spend my Christmas with you as we always have done since we were children.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Sasuke.

Version 3 (a mixture of the above, with more emphasis on the fact that I'm going out of my way to please Itachi)

Hi, Itachi!

Glad to hear you made it back safely. Really. I was worried about you.

I'd be more than happy to have both you and Kisame over for Christmas. You might have to put up with Orochimaru, though, as he has expressed a wish to spend time with me over the festive period.

Now, I know you won't like that, but hear me out. Orochimaru asked me last night if I wished to spend Christmas with him. I thought long and hard about it, and I decided that, yes, I would very much like to, as my affection for him is genuine, however much you would like to pretend otherwise. I also want to spend it with you, Itachi, and because of that I have managed to convince Orochimaru to invite both you and Kisame to stay at his home in Otogakure over Christmas.

If that is not to your liking, then I won't be offended. Honestly. You are free to come and go and do as you please. You'll always be my beloved big brother, after all, so you'll still get your Christmas card and a huge present!

Love,

Sasuke.

I'm thinking of going for the third one. It has enough formality to keep my stoic and proper brother happy, yet it possesses a touch of light-heartedness to maintain the facade behind which I intend to hide and pretend that everything is hunky-dory and that he doesn't want to kill my boyfriend.

Wait... did I just write that?

Boyfriend.

Boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend.

Holy hell.

The boss... is my boyfriend, and it has only just occurred to me.

If that is the case, then what the hell _has_ he been to me up until now? Someone with whom I have sex on a regular basis? A casual "yeah, we're just sort of seeing one another" relationship? Maybe it's the age thing. I mean, he _is_ quite a bit older than me. Perhaps I have somehow managed to convince myself that all the boss wants is a toyboy to have a bit of fun with. Maybe that's still the case. But if that's true, then why all the previous drama? I seriously don't think he would put up with all the crap solely because of my supreme sexiness. And this morning, did he not say "Give Sasuke-kun my love"?

Gah... My poor, beleaguered mind is a-whirl with a dizzying collection of conflicting thoughts and emotions! But now that I think about it, we've definitely been acting like a couple - even before we went public. I'm guessing the day I brought round chicken soup was the defining moment on that front. And with all the arguments we've been having lately, both public and private...

I can see him right now from where I'm sitting. The boss, I mean. He's on the other side of the room reading one of his big, non-fiction books on the single-seater couch with his legs crossed and a glass of red wine in hand. I am typing away on my laptop, content to answer e-mails and dick about on the internet. The fact that we are now sitting in the same room together in a companionable silence, happy to let each other get on with whatever makes us tick, is most definitely the deciding factor.

Once I start receiving cards and invitations written out to "Orochimaru and Sasuke", I shall know that I have spiralled down the slippery slope into the realm of couple-dom.

As long as the sex is still good, to be honest, I don't think I'll be caring that much...

November 28th

I'm on the flight back to Otogakure on the boss's private jet. Jiraiya and Kiku are with us.

Yes, I know. I am about to explain. Forgive me, for it might take some time...

The boss and I arrived at Lee's in style, pulling up at the driveway in the black Rolls at bang on seven thirty. His house is a lovely sandstone affair on a private road in the suburbs of Kohona, surrounded by trees, parks and wholesome country air. Apparently, the boss grew up in one of the big houses just down the road from Lee's - the ones with the big, white automatic gates, guard dogs and fountains in the front garden. I think I realise now why he is such a spoiled brat.

Before we had even approached the front door, Lee emerged, all smiles with a dish towel draped over his arm and said, "Orochimaru-sama! Sasuke! How nice of you to come! Do come in, do come in!

We expressed our thanks at having been invited and then Lee hurried us inside, chattering away excitedly. "Now, there are a few people here already through in the living room," he said, ticking off an imaginary list on his fingers, "they're about to have a game of giant jenga, I believe, so if you hurry you can catch them! The bathrooms are on this floor - that's the first on your right there next to the cloakroom - and there are two upstairs. The kitchen is just through here and you can fix yourself a drink if you like, there's lots to choose from, and the food is all laid out on the table, so help yourselves— Oh! There's the doorbell - that must be Kakashi! Just head on through and I'll be there in a jiffy!"

As Lee shot off to answer the front door, kicking up sparks of enthusiasm in his wake, I looked at the boss with trepidation. From the living room, I could hear the sound of an argument. Not a big argument, but one that murmured of hysterics to come. The boss, however, did not look at all perturbed - seeing as he loves a good scrap - and he took me by the arm and propelled me inside.

We had clearly interrupted a heated exchange between Jiraiya and Tsunade regarding how best to assemble the giant jenga tower. Tsunade was standing across from Jiraiya, waving the instructions in his face and pointing to a diagram, and Jiraiya was looking decidedly disgruntled. Naruto was there, holding two jenga blocks under each arm, and Sakura was kneeling on the floor, biting her nails. Kiku was perched on the futon with a glass of punch, sucking it through a pink straw and Gai, Neji and Tenten were also in attendance, the three of them sitting on the sofa, appearing content to wait out the storm. As usual, Naruto spotted me first and he ululated wildly and came gambolling over towards me with his jenga blocks in tow. He appeared a little puzzled about what to do when he realised he had no free arms with which to envelop me in a rib-bruising hug, but he soon decided to just drop the blocks and suffocate me.

"Sasukeeeeeeee..." he mewed happily, burying his head in my shoulder and shaking it back and forth until the boss coughed a polite but ominous cough that said, "my property - hands off you sexually threatening, nubile young blonde."

Naruto took a step back and giggled sheepishly. "Hee hee, sorry about that," he said, scratching the back of his head. "I keep forgetting."

Before the boss could say anything in reply, however, Jiraiya's voice came soaring over our heads.

"Hey, Oro! Stop chatting up the kids and tell _her_," he said irritatedly, pointing a finger at Tsunade, "how to set this thing up."

The boss rolled his eyes and went over to play damage control. Eventually, matters were resolved and everyone was split into teams. I was in "Team Oro" with Neji and the boss. Team Jiraiya consisted of Jiraiya (obviously) Naruto and Kiku. Team Tsunade was comprised of the rest of the girls and Gai, Kakashi and Lee made Team Gai (much to Kakashi's disgust). Lee organised a tournament. The prize for winning said tournament? Automatic dibs on Mayfair when the Monopoly was brought out. At this, the boss's eyes went wide with apprehension and he gripped my arm and hissed in my ear, "Sasuke-kun, we have to win this. I _always_ get Mayfair when I play Monopoly..." I agreed wholeheartedly with him because I am a competitive sort (and I'm used to fighting and falling out with Itachi over that particular square on the board).

Fortunately for us, we were teamed with Neji. He, too, is ridiculously competitive and agreed that it was "do or die". Thus it fell that, one by one, we slew the opposition until the coveted Mayfair property was in our hands. Jiraiya's team were the first to fall in front of our mighty onslaught, as Kiku tripped over her flip-flops and went head first into the tower, ensuring our victory. We cheered. Jiraiya scowled. Tsunade's lot perished next, as at the end of a very tense match, the dangerously swaying tower was finally toppled by an accidental bump from Tsunade's ridiculously huge knockers. Again, we cheered. Sakura punched me in the arm. We had a bit more trouble from Team Gai, but the crisis was averted by Neji, who stuck out his foot and kicked the back of Kakashi's knees at an opportune moment. His hand slipped, the tower tumbled... and a fight broke out.

Kakashi accused Neji of cheating - something which Neji flatly denied - and he asked for a rematch. The boss, needless to say, did not agree with this and he took Neji's side. Gai and Lee were quite happy to let things slide and reward Team Oro the Mayfair property, but this only seemed to make Kakashi angrier. So Kakashi started having a go at them, too, and Jiraiya ended up taking his side. Once that happened, old grudges began to resurface (I believe a salient bone of contention was a particularly ferocious game of Trivial Pursuit ten years ago where alleged cheating had also been an issue).

Things descended into a shouting match pretty quickly after that.

Now, I hate shouting matches and I hate fuss (well... unless I'm yelling my lungs out at the boss, that's just par for the course) and I rolled my eyes in disgust and headed for the kitchen to hide out and fix myself a stiff drink. On the way there, however, the doorbell rang. I dithered for a moment, wondering whether I should answer the door for Lee, but I quickly came to a decision when I heard Jiraiya roaring, "_Don't you dare bring her into this, Tsunade!_" Sighing, I walked down the hallway and opened the door.

I blinked owlishly and said, "Errr... can I help you?" at the sight of Teuchi-san from Ichiraku Ramen still dressed in his chef's whites.

"Oh hello, Sasuke-kun," he said, seeming just as surprised to see me here as I was him, "is my daughter there, do you know?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Ayame?" I said, voicing my thoughts. "No, I think you might have the wrong house, Teuchi-san..."

"Ha ha ha ha ha. No, Sasuke-kun," he said, looking strangely grave. "I mean my youngest daughter, Kiku. She told me she was going to the Straight Edge Club, but she forgot her members', card and when I drove around to the clubhouse to give it to her, she wasn't there. I've asked around and apparently she's here." He grinned and then added, "I'm guessing this is some sort of Straight Edge party you kids have got going on here, eh?"

Since I am an accomplished and consummate liar, I knew immediately that Kiku had told her dad a whopper in order to attend Lee's party with her much, much older boyfriend. Furthermore, I assumed that she had also been using the Straight Edge Club as a ruse to meet with her much, much older boyfriend on a regular basis. Therefore, in order to avert any further incident, I decided to play along.

"Oh yes," I said, laughing and playing the sheepish "D'oh! You got me!" card. "Yes, Maito-san and Lee-san are both here. It shouldn't be going on for much longer, Teuchi-san. We'll make sure Kiku gets home safely."

"Well, that's okay then," Teuchi said, smiling broadly. "As long as I know she's safe and not up to mischief with any boys. Funny though... I'd have never pegged you as a Straight Edger, seeing as you've taken up with that Orochimaru fellow."

_That_ Orochimaru fellow.

My hackles rose instantly.

How dare he assume that I am of lesser moral fibre just because I'm seeing a vain pervert three times my age with more money than he knows what to do with? How dare he hop on his moral high horse when his bubblegum princess daughter has been banging the biggest hetero pervert of them all for the past month or so? I really felt like telling him at that point but I took a deep breath, restrained myself and turned on my snooty, Uchiha attitude.

With a false smile, I replied smoothly, "Orochimaru has just donated a rather large sum of money to the Straight Edge charity group, the amount of which I would rather not disclose. He is in attendance tonight, along with several other high-profile supporters of the group, and in order to avoid any attention from the media, we have elected to keep the proceedings as informal as possible. I would appreciate it, therefore, if you refrained from disclosing our location..."

For the briefest of moments, it was all going swimmingly. My flawless fibbing combined with my arrogant, snooty Uchiha attitude had Teuchi-san falling for it hook, line and sinker. Kiku was almost home and dry, and carnage was almost prevented.

Everything would have gone off without a hitch - had the boss not chosen at that precise moment to come charging into the hallway in a strop...

"We're leaving, Sasuke-kun!" he shouted, spotting me at the door talking to Teuchi-san. "Jiraiya has gone utterly mad! His little whore, Kiku, has him firmly under her thumb! He threw a Jenga brick at my face, Sasuke-kun! _At my face!_"

He came to a halt beside me and appeared puzzled by the fact that I was staring, not at him, but at Teuchi-san, with one hand clapped over my mouth in horror. The looked from me to Teuchi-san. Then he observed the ramen stall owner down his nose and said superciliously, "Can I help you?"

Fire blazed in Teuchi-san's eyes, I swear to god. I was quite terrified.

Without so much as a word, Teuchi-san shoved the boss roughly out of his way and stormed down the hall towards the living room. I yelped and followed after him, reaching the Lee's living room just in time to see the whole, sordid drama unfold.

I shall now describe to you what Teuchi-san's eyes beheld in that sorry moment.

Things seemed to have calmed down to a dull roar: Lee and Gai were observing events from afar, sadly shaking their heads in a sage-like manner; Neji was comforting a weeping TenTen ("H-He said 'shut up, Chun-Li', and h-he meant it!"), Kakashi was glaring daggers at Neji; Naruto was standing in the middle of it all, looking faintly bemused by the whole affair; Sakura and Tsunade were glaring daggers at Jiraiya, who was sitting on the sofa with Kiku's face cupped in his hands. He murmured something in her ear and then Kiku nodded, smiled and kissed him.

I think the kiss may have pushed Teuchi-san over the edge, as his breathing became considerably heavier and his fists began to clench and unclench. I felt the boss draw up behind me, and I knew that he had realised something horrendous was about to go down in the house of Lee and that it would be best not to aggravate the already seething stall-owner.

And there was nothing I could do. Someone was going to be beaten to a bloody pulp, and it was most likely going to be Jiraiya. The way Teuchi-san was acting, he could seriously give Itachi a run for his money in the overprotective stakes...

"KIKUUUUU!!" Teuchi-san roared, announcing his fatherly presence to the assembled occupants of the living room in spectacular manner. "GET AWAY FROM THAT... THAT... THAT... _MAN!!_ NOW!!"

Now, all credit from here on in goes to Kiku. I am ashamed to have ever doubted the sincerity of her intentions towards Jiraiya. The boss, I believe, is still coming to terms with this most shocking of revelations, as is Tsunade. He's finding it a little hard, but he'll get over it in time, I'm sure. Hopefully by Christmas at the latest, because it's looking like Kiku will be attending along with Jiraiya...

Anyway, when her father made his grand, furious entrance, Kiku looked up instantly. Her face went pale, but she set her jaw defiantly and placed her hand over Jiraiya's.

"Daddy, I'm not going," she said, her voice wavering slightly.

Teuchi-san almost had a seizure.

"Not... NOT GOING!?" he spat, his arms flailing wildly. "YOU _ARE_ GOING! YOU ARE COMING WITH ME, RIGHT NOW! HE IS FAR TOO OLD FOR YOU, DO YOU HEAR ME?"

Then, as if it couldn't get any worse, Jiraiya had to open his big mouth and play the hero.

"She doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to," he said gravely, standing up and stretching himself to his full, and rather imposing, height. "She is sixteen. You're not the boss of her."

I cringed and closed my eyes as Teuchi swung his fist, and opened them just in time to see both men go topping over the coffee-table and onto the floor with an almighty crash as glasses and china plates slid to the ground along with the tablecloth. Instantly, people began to shout and attempts were made by Gai and Naruto to separate the two men. Kiku was crying and screaming at them to stop. Most surprising, however, was the boss's reaction when Teuchi-san managed to get Jiraiya into a sleeper hold. I swear there was a blur beside me, and the next minute, the boss had leapt into the fray, making a fairly decent attempt at strangling his best friend's girlfriend's father.

By this time, Kiku was hysterical, screaming, "No, please! That's my dad! That's my dad! No, don't hurt Jiraiya, please, daddy, I love him!" and things were really beginning to get nasty. I had to think of something. I had to stop this from getting out of hand...

In a fit of madness, I sprinted into the kitchen, my eyes darting from left to right, searching for something I could use as a weapon. My gaze fell first upon a large bag of frozen prawns, and I snatched them up and dashed back to the living room, arriving just in time to see Teuchi-san plant a blistering right-hook onto the boss's face.

Now... I am ashamed to admit this, but at that point, I saw red. A fit of protectiveness overcame me and I felt myself roaring lustily and rushing towards Teuchi-san. For a moment, I fancy that he looked a shade puzzled to see an irate office worker lunging at him with a bag of frozen prawns in hand, before I knocked him over the head with them and he fell to the floor, out cold.

Everyone gasped and I stood there for a moment, swaying slightly from side to side before the seriousness of what I had just done began to sink in.

"Holy shit," I croaked, suddenly finding it difficult to breathe. "I've killed him. _I've fucking killed him!_"

Kiku choked back a sob and sank to the floor. Jiraiya wrapped an arm around her. The boss stood up and wiped the blood from his lip (if I wasn't so freaked out at the time, it would have been such a turn-on). Then he observed the prostrate Teuchi-san and said, smiling slightly, "He's still breathing. You knocked him out, Sasuke-kun. Well done..."

Tsunade leaned over to give a second, professional opinion, and it was decided, that, yes, I had only knocked him out. Relief flooded every fibre of my being, and I can tell you right now that there is no feeling in the world like being told in a matter of fact manner that you are not actually a murderer.

"So what are we going to do?" I said warily, looking at the boss and Tsunade.

"Why, we leave him here and pretend he tripped over a Jenga block and hit his head while fighting with Jiraiya," the boss said, supremely unconcerned, while walking over to the mirror above the fireplace and inspecting the cut on his lip.

"What?!" Naruto yelled indignantly, his honest nature balking at the thought of such blatant dishonesty. "You can't just leave him here!"

"I agree with Naruto-kun," Gai said. "We have to take him to hospital. You can never be too careful where head injuries are concerned."

The boss and Tsunade rolled their eyes.

"Fine," Tsunade sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Sakura and I will drive him to the hospital - and you lot," she said, pointing a finger at the boss, Jiraiya and I, "you'd better get the hell out of here."

"I concur," the boss said, finally turning away from the mirror and pulling out his phone. "I'll phone my pilot. Oh, and Sasuke-kun, you had better get your coat. We'll meet you outside shortly."

Dazed, I nodded and wandered out towards the cloakroom. Lee followed behind and fished out my coat for me and helped me put it on. I apologised to him for all the trouble, and, as is typical of Lee, he just smiled and brushed it off with a bewildering level of tolerance and good naturedness.

"That's quite alright, Sasuke-kun," he said, laughing. "It's definitely been the most interesting birthday I've ever had. I just hope Teuchi-san will be alright."

Lee promised to visit Teuchi-san in hospital on my behalf, and I promised that I would phone and apologise personally (as well as sending lots of expensive, apology presents) and Lee awarded me with a huge smile. "That's the Sasuke-kun I remember!" he exclaimed. "Always thinking of others as well as himself!"

As that was blatantly untrue - Lee having given me far too much credit - I smiled awkwardly and excused myself. Not long after, the boss appeared with not only Jiraiya in tow, but Kiku too. This being a rather strange thing, I shot an enquiring look at the boss and he rolled his eyes and said, "Kiku is intent on accompanying Jiraiya to Otogakure and will not be persuaded otherwise. Therefore, she will be flying with us. The plane is ready and a driver should be here to collect us shortly."

I stole a glance at Jiraiya and Kiku. Kiku looked back at me and smiled a watery smile. She shrugged and gave Jiraiya a small squeeze. Now, I knew that squeeze. I use it often myself. It is the squeeze of genuine affection, and it was then that I knew that she was truly, genuinely serious about Jiraiya. Suddenly, I felt incredibly guilty. Not only had I doubted this girl's intentions and (initially) her intelligence, but I had just smashed her dad over the head with a bag of frozen prawns at a party, knocking him senseless.

"Kiku," I began tentatively. "I'm sorry about your dad. Really," I said, meaning every word of it. "I don't know what came over me."

She shrugged and said quietly, "It's okay. I'm, like, kinda glad you did it. Dunno what he would've done if you hadn't, like, stopped him or anything..."

"And don't worry," she added, as the Rolls pulled up into the driveway. "He'll be fine. I'll phone him tomorrow morning and tell him everything. It'll all be cool."

I had to resist the temptation to offer a reality check and say, "No, Kiku. If your father is anything like my brother, it will be anything but cool," but I didn't have the heart to. Bringing Itachi into anything constitutes as an automatic downer.

We got into the Rolls and drove straight to the airport. No time for anything. We even skipped through customs and I don't want to think how much the boss had to fork out for that luxury. I'm still on the plane, sitting next to the boss right now, typing this up... Wait... Hold on a second...

Orochimaru, please stop looking over my shoulder - I can see you doing it, I'm not stupid.

Right. I suppose that's a sign that I should wrap this entry up. I can't write when I know someone is looking at me. I get self-conscious. All I can say is that december is going to be an interesting month to say the least...

* * *

Twenty chapters. What the hell? I've never written something as long in my life!

Anyway, I've stayed up late to get this finished. You guys have been waiting long enough for this chapter (though I do have an excuse - I had a stressful graduation ceremony and a fun grad ball to attend. Hurrah for the vice-chancellor Sir Muir, whacking me on the head with a velvet cap from his wanker's throne! That's what I have worked for for four years to achieve! I cannot believe that man is paid two-hundred and fifty grand a year. What the fuck does he do with his time?)

Right. No more tangents! On with the thanks:-)

This round, thanks go out to: **Voltra the Lively** (ahhh... yes, but there is a small, subtle difference. Oro is quick to forgive Sasuke (because he fancies the pants off him). Anyone else would have a really hard time), **SlythCommand** (Yay! Another Kabuto fan! I'm quite fond of him myself. He's an interesting character, to say the least. Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. I've had a rather hectic weekend, lol), **Riana1** (your comment made me laugh out loud. You're so right. They really should get counselling, or something XD), **missyserena214** (I'm glad you thought the hotdog bit was gross. It was inspired partly by a real life hotdog - a Czechoslovakian hotdog to be exact - one so disgusting that I still have nightmares about it), **danni quinn** (ahhhh! You have picked up on something that Sasuke himself hasn't realised yet, you sneaky, clever person, you. That'll be coming in a further chapter. Not sure when yet. And 'throwing soy sauce is not going to solve anything'? That made me lol. A lot. XD), **fiore777** (oh, I am glad you like Kiku. I hope you'll like her more after this chapter. She is nice, really. I agree that Oro is fantastic when he's in a snit. He's so much fun to write, I can't tell you! And I, too, lust after onion rings. Onion rings are snacks of the gods. There should _so_ be an Onion Rings FC over at NF forums (though I ain't making it. One is already too much responsibility! XD), **Niver** (lol, I hope you didn't beat your head too hard with the suspense issue. You might get a bill through for damaging that wall... ), **hi** (I'd love it if you actually registered as 'hi', it'd be hilarious. Thanks so much for the review, and I'm glad you like to read couples arguing. It's no fun if they're all loved-up all the time, is it?), **hieilover135** (thanks for letting me know about Lee's birthday, by the way. As soon as I saw your review, my eyes lit up and I thought, "yes, I can use this..." I love how Oro is in this too. He's such fun to write. It makes me laugh, sometimes), **maenad** (yes, I agree. Hotdogs are the spawn of the devil. Once you know what's in them, you'll never want to eat one again. As I was saying to missyserena, the Sakura hotdog was inspired by a real one purchased in Prague. There was a whole bin full of them a few feet away from the stand, they were that bad. Disgusting things), **eerabbit** (lol, a few people have said that to me already; that although this story is ridiculously AU, the characters don't seem OC. I think you've hit the nail on the head with that observation. You're making me think now... Oh, and I think the plural should definitely be statii... XD), **RaspedraTwilight** (yes, Sasuke's romantic relationships are rather tempestuous. Being with Oro, the grand high spoiled brat, doesn't help either. Though I don't think Sasuke realises is that he is pretty spoiled and arrogant himself. Oh, the irony!), **ArilianaFireQueen** (Minnesota? Never been there before, but if it's a centre for child labour, then I might have to call Amnesty International and give them a tip-off. Oh, and by the way, Azula's song made me lol. XD), **LenixVox** (thanks very much. High praise, indeed! Can you believe that I hate canon Sasuke, too? I know, it's crazy. Well, hate is a strong word. He's not my favourite character right now, yet I'm writing a fic approaching novel-length from his point of view? Madness! XD), and last - but most definitely not least - **natwel** (NATWEL:-) You came all the way over from the NF forums! Sorry I haven't posted the fic up there in a while, but I forgot to post a few chapters, I ended up way behind and I didn't want to have to post twelve posts in a row. Those e-mails are just the best... seriously. I loled pretty damn hard. XD I cannot imagine Itachi as being anything other than ridiculously formal all day, every day, 24/7. Even when he was yelling at Oro he was still being comparatively polite. He's so repressed, it makes me giggle.

Thanks again, guys. You are too cool for words:-)


	21. Chapter 21

A Day in the Life

5th December

I suppose I'd better bring you up to speed. I have been back at work now for five days. This is a good thing, since it enables me to get away from Jiraiya, Kiku and Naruto. Yes, Naruto is here too, as Jiraiya is "working from home" at the moment and apparently cannot function without his PA. I must add that "working from home" should be read as "working from Oro's place" until it is safe for Jiraiya to return to Konoha, as Teuchi-san is still looking to kick his head in. I would laugh, but the man's probably looking to smack me about a bit over the frozen prawns stunt - so I won't, although it's hard to resist. Schadenfreude and I fit together like hand in glove, which might explain my rather bizarre love for television prank shows and those programmes where members of the public send in their home videos of friends and relatives grievously injuring themselves.

The terrible trio have taken up residence in the boss's house. This should not be a problem because, as I have noted before, the boss has a ridiculously large home - far larger than necessary for any one human being, no matter how many members of staff he needs to fix him tea in the morning. Therefore, one would think that it would be entirely possible for Jiraiya and Kiku to go about their daily business without coming into constant contact with the boss and myself.

So far, this has not been the case. For I cannot get a moment - one single measly moment - alone with the boss without anyone interrupting!

For example...

Incident #1 The first night Jiraiya and Kiku stayed over, the boss and I decided to chill out for a bit and went down to the little cinema he had built specially for himself on the second floor (it's so mind-bogglingly cool, you have no idea. The seats recline and there's a proper popcorn machine that makes salted popcorn!) We brought a duvet and a copy of The Goonies and settled down to watch it. Fifteen minutes into the film, Jiraiya came sauntering in, said "Kiku's off to— Oh man, I love this movie! Don't mind if I sit here, do you, Oro?" and promptly plonked himself down in the seat directly behind us. All the way through, he kept leaning over and talking, and thus any canoodling plans the boss and I had were thwarted. Jiraiya did, however, treat us to an interesting personal interpretation of the Truffle Shuffle, which didn't work because he's surprisingly buff. Must be all those hours he's putting in at the gym...

Incident #2 The boss and I were kept up pretty much all night when Kiku plucked up the courage to phone home. The conversation did not go well, lasting only long enough for her father to inform her, in no uncertain terms, that she had been effectively disowned, having brought shame upon the family. Kiku cried a lot that night, and because Jiraiya was on comfort duty, the boss and I were left to nod and look sympathetic. The boss tried to make tea, but he left in the leaves for too long and messed it up (he can delegate and run a huge company but cannot make a simple cup of tea; this continues to mystify me). I had to make it and ended up as the re-fill boy until Kiku finally decided to head off to bed. I had to get up at eight for work the next morning and when I don't get my eight hours of sleep a night, I get cranky.

Incident #3 Now, I don't want to go into too much detail, but suffice it to say that the night before Naruto came, the boss and I were... interrupted... by Jiraiya because he wanted to know if he could borrow a spare razor. Jiraiya kept winking at the boss and nudging him every time they passed in the dining room after that, and he said "Evening, Sasuke" with such amused sleaze that it made me blush and scurry away, shamefaced.

And it's even harder to get a moment to _myself_ - never mind with the boss - now that Naruto is here. Naruto, you see, needs special care and constant attention. He is incredibly hyper, and if he thinks you're ignoring him, even for a trifling nanosecond, he will act up so that your focus is where it should be. Upon him. Thus, for the past two days, I have been down at the pool playing with the floats and doing cannonballs; having balls fired at me at considerable speed in the squash court in the basement; locked in a fiercely competitive Halo 2 tournament in the rec room along with Kabuto (Kabuto won - he is far too good at Halo); and making white choc-chip cookies and annoying the kitchen staff by making an unholy mess. The elderly female head cook shouted us down because Naruto managed to clog up the industrial toaster with cookie dough. When questioned and threatened with a rolling pin, he confessed that he wanted to see whether the cookies would bake in the toaster quicker than in the oven. I slapped my hand over my forehead in exasperation and informed him that the toast rotates on a sort of conveyor belt-cum-grill device and that therefore all the gooey dough, as soon as the device made its first revolution, would fall through the bars. Naruto scratched his head in that sheepish way of his, giggled, and said, "Oh yeah. Sorry about that. My bad."

It was at this point that copious amounts of smoke began to curl up and out from the giant toaster and I grabbed Naruto hard by the arm, fired out an apology and bid a hasty retreat before things kicked off.

When I finally collapsed out of sheer exhaustion, informing Naruto that I could no longer function and that he should seriously consider investing in some amphetamines, he took to knocking on people's doors and running away. The third time he did it to the boss, the boss, I was told by a giggling Kiku, was lying in wait and he grabbed Naruto by the hair, hog-tied him and left him out in the hallway over night, having stressed to the staff that no one was to release him from his dressing gown cord bonds until he had learned his lesson.

Unsurprisingly, Naruto was not best pleased and he didn't speak to the boss next morning at breakfast. I took him out to Burger King for lunch, though, and he cheered up considerably after that. Perhaps Naruto's hyperactivity is no bad thing because all was forgiven and forgotten by the time dinner rolled around.

Right then. It's off to work for more Christmas party organising hell. I'm not sure how much further we're going to get on with this, because Kabuto and Karin were arguing over whether we should have garlic mushrooms as an option for the hors d'ouevre. I don't know why I volunteered for this in the first place. I hate committee work. This time, I'm bringing my i-pod along with me, I don't care if the boss yells at me for being unprofessional.

6th December

Ha. The boss didn't yell at me. In fact, he praised me for my genius, walked out in the middle of the meeting and came back with his own. The meeting was over pretty quickly after that, leaving the garlic mushroom issue yet to be resolved, because Suigetsu whipped his i-pod out and then suddenly we were all nodding our heads to our own different beats. It was almost like those silent disco tents you get at music festivals. We were all sent home early, probably because everyone present had reached the optimum "could not care less" threshold, hence the reason why I'm here in my apartment right now updating my journal.

About fifteen minutes ago, I decided to unleash my repressed chivalrous side and have volunteered to take Naruto and Kiku shopping at the Oto Mall, because Kiku has written up a list of things she needs to buy since she's going to be staying at the boss's place for a little longer that she had originally anticipated. Naruto is tagging along, too, because he has a list too, apparently. I dread to think what's on it. Probably a lot of DVDs, ska CDs and sugary sweets. Naruto is desperate to drive, but there's no way in hell I'm letting him near the Aston Martin. No way in hell. If he even touches it, I will not hesitate to kick him in the crotch. Yes, I am that serious. And I'll kick him hard, too.

LATER:

I knew that the shopping trip would take a turn for the worse as soon as Naruto showed me his shopping list. Kiku, thankfully, was buying essential girly things like scented candles, throws, photo-frames and cushions. Sensible things. Creature comforts to ease the painful transition from high-school daddy's girl to... well... Jiraiya's girl, living in a posh house and having to learn which utensil to use and when or risk facing the ridicule of house's vain, spoiled owner, who just happens to be her significant other's best friend. This I could understand. What I could not understand, however, was Naruto's need to purchase two 4" x 8" boards of plywood, a tractor tyre, a squeezy tube of UniBond No More Nails, nails, screws, a drill and six feet of rope.

While standing outside the mall, I tried to reason with Naruto, informing him calmly and logically that it would be impossible to fit the tyre and the plywood boards into the back of the Aston Martin. Naruto, incredibly, countered with logic, saying that it was possible to have both the plywood and the tyre delivered to the Oto Enterprises depot, at which point, he said with a huge grin, he would go and pick them up.

"Fine..." I said, feeling my blood pressure rising, "but what on earth are you going to do with a tyre that size? If I know you at all, it's just going to sit in the middle of your room, causing a nuisance and it's going to finally trip you up when you're on the way to the bathroom at midnight and you'll say, 'Sasuke, why did you let me buy that thing back then'"

Naruto smiled at me and raised a finger to his lips. "It's a seeeeeeeecret, Sasuke," he whispered in a sing-song voice. "And that just ain't gonna happen. Cos the tyre is the... the..." his forehead wrinkled in thought as he searched for the unfamiliar words, and then the proverbial lightbulb pinged "... oh yeah! The tyre is the _piece-de-resistance!_"

"Ooooh," Kiku giggled, clapping her hands together and making her multitude of plastic bracelets clatter. "I like surprises. Are you going to build something in your room, Naruto?"

"Can't tell," Naruto replied, grinning. "It's a secret."

"Well fine," I snapped, coming to the end of my tether after having traipsed around store after store searching for one particular brand of cinnamon candle. "We'll need to head to the hardware store and then Michelin. God knows what the hell you're going to do with them, but..."

And so we headed for the retail park wherein a Home Depot and a Michelin centre were housed. No further drama ensued, and the plywood, glue, nails, screws, drill, rope and tyre were purchased with the minimum level of fuss (apart from Naruto somehow ripping a hole in the bottom corner of a wholesale sized bag of hex nuts, which promptly avalanched and spilled out over the linoleum floor. I swear the look the store boy gave me just for being of Naruto's party could have killed a dead cow. It must have taken him ages to clean it all up. Ha. Serves him right for not getting a proper job.)

Eventually, his need for hardware sated, Naruto bounced back to the car and deposited his various bits and pieces in the trunk while I set about selecting the coordinates for home on the sat nav.

This is where everything went horribly, horribly wrong. I began to realise with a sinking feeling as I stabbed at the on button again and again with a desperate finger that I had not charged the damn thing before I left. A cold dread stole over me. I had never driven out so far from the compound before without the aid of my trusty navigational device. As Naruto jumped in the back and slammed the rear passenger door closed, I shut my eyes and attempted to recall the winding twists of tarmac that brought us here.

Needless to say, the journey did not go well. At all. Kiku said that I must have taken the wrong exit off Takeshita Street because the further I drove, the more dilapidated the surrounding houses became, the more graffiti appeared on filthy walls, the more throngs of slouching individuals in hoodies I saw, and the more desolate and hopeless the general, pervading atmosphere began to feel.

It was perfectly, terrifyingly clear.

I had driven into Downtown Otogakure.

Sweat started to bead on my forehead as I thought of all the terrible things that could happen to us. Carjacking, I must admit, was foremost in my mind, followed by shootings. Suddenly, every man, woman, child or mange-ridden stray dog was cast in a more sinister light. The shadows looked longer and darker, the alleyways like places muggers would gather, and the elementary school we passed like a breeding ground for murderers, rapists and gangsters. My hands gripped the steering wheel like a lifeline.

Naruto and Kiku, however, were supremely and irritatingly unperturbed by the whole experience - even though they knew I was utterly lost in a strange, rough part of town. They even started cracking jokes, which made me grind my teeth so hard it felt like they were going to weld together. The worst was yet to come, though.

As I drove at a fair pace down a random, dingy side street looking for a place to execute a hasty U-turn, Naruto (and I almost leaned over the seat and punched him in the mouth right there and then, I was so agitated) wound down the window and bellowed to a crowd of youths who had congregated on a stoop (as I have since been informed of its proper name): "HEY!! HEY THERE!! YEAH, YOU!! DO ANY OF YOU GUYS KNOW HOW TO GET TO THE HIGHWAY FROM HERE??

I could feel a panic attack coming on as Naruto leaned forward and hauled at the collar of my shirt and shook to get me to stop the car. "Dude, these guys will tell us where to go!" he said happily, as my chest began to feel uncomfortably constricted, making breathing something of a chore.

Then from across the road, my horrified eyes took in the sight of five surly-looking youths lumbering towards us, towards the car - towards my Aston Martin - and I had convinced myself that these hoodlums were going to do something terrible to me. The biggest one, sauntering at the head of the group, looked at least six foot four and was built like a tank. He had strangler's hands. My face started to tingle, and I had to unbutton the top button of my shirt. I repeated to myself the following mantra: "Deep calm breaths, deep calm breaths..."

But it wasn't helping.

I could only hear Naruto conversing with the loutish behemoth out the passenger window vaguely. This was because everything had started to sound buzzy. Even Kiku's squeal of delight was lost on me, bar a strange, detached bewilderment as to why on earth she should be so happy to make the acquaintance of a common thug. I must have went really pale, though, and was probably gripping the steering wheel a shade too hard (picture white-knuckle intensity), because I could hear, distantly, as though from the end of a tin can on a string, the six foot four stranger saying, "S'up wit 'im? He don' look so good."

It was at that point that I finally gave in to my panic attack. This consisted of me being promptly sick all over the dashboard and blacking out.

I woke an indeterminate time later in a strange, musty-smelling place in a strange, musty-smelling bed. It was obviously the room of a teenager, for the walls were covered in posters of half-naked women and bejewelled and furred hip hop stars. I could hear RnB music thumping through the wall. This caused me to scream, loudly and shrilly until Kiku came bounding into the room with a jangle of bracelets, followed by an older woman in a pink velour tracksuit who looked strangely similar to Kiku.

"Heyyyy, you're awake!" she said cheerfully, rocking back and forth on her heels.

"W-where am I?" I managed to croak out, pulling the covers up to my chin. "And who's that?"

"This is my auntie Reiko and, like, big freaky coincidence, we're at her house," she replied, before cracking her chewing gum so loudly it made me flinch.

"And how did we get here?" I asked slowly, not at all keen on hearing the answer.

"Yah, well, that's easy. You blacked out in the car and Isamu - that's my cousin, by the way, the big guy Naruto was talkin' to - said that you'd probably, like, just fainted or something, so he got in and gave us directions to auntie Reiko's."

I could feel myself beginning to tremble again as I asked, "W-who drove us here, Kiku?"

She replied, quite cheerfully, "Oh yah, that was Naruto.

"None of us knew how to drive a stick shift, though, so the engine kept making this, like, weird grindy noise. Naruto said it'd be okay, though, because the house was only two blocks away..."

I almost vomited.

"Kiku..." I croaked. "M- My phone. Where is it?"

"I put it on the chair with that nice suit jacket of yours, honey-pie," a voice, presumably Auntie Reiko's, replied.

Still shaking, I muttered a brief thanks, stretched out a hand and fumbled around until my fingers closed around my smooth-textured, soothingly familiar i-phone. Instantly, I scrolled through my phone book, found the boss's number and dialled. Then I coughed politely to indicate that I did not want an audience, and Kiku and Auntie Reiko left, the former shooting me several curious glances over her shoulder.

It took five rings for the boss to pick up. Our conversation went something like this:

The boss: "Sasuke... this had better be life-threatening. I am in the midst of a game of Halo with Kabuto and he has just executed a spectacular, textbook head-shot on my character, and I am not pleased."

Me: "Sorry, but I... I... I'm lost. I don't know where I am. Well... I _know_ where I am, but I don't really know where I am. I mean... sorry, that doesn't make sense. I can't—"

The boss: "Wait a minute. You're rambling. Slow down, Sasuke-kun, take a deep breath and answer me. Where are you?"

Me: "Downtown Otogakure."

The boss: "What on earth are you doing there?"

Me: "I- I got lost on the way back from the retail park. The battery on... on my sat nav ran out. T- Took the wrong turn off Takeshita Street. Blacked out near a basketball court and ended up here at Kiku's Auntie Reiko's house."

The boss: "Wait a minute... You blacked out?"

Me: "Mmm... I had a panic attack."

The boss: "Are you alright?"

Me: "... no. Not really. I can hear rap music coming from outside. It's shaking the walls. I feel a bit sick."

The boss: "That's it. I'm coming to get you. What's the address?"

I shuffled out of bed and over to the window. The peeling sign on the wall opposite read "22nd Stree". There was a pit-bull tied to a post on the grassy square at the front of the house. Sharing this space was a rusty Toyota with no wheels, propped up on jacks.

Me: "It's 22nd street in the old Rice Quarter, I guess. There's a pit-bull out front and... and an old white Toyota with no wheels."

The boss: "Right. Thank you, Sasuke-kun. That's all I need. I will be there as quickly as possible."

And then he hung up, and I was left alone in the hideous bedroom. I took a few deep breaths to calm my shattered nerves and decided that I was well enough to get up, go downstairs and wait for the boss. So it was that I emerged tentatively from the tiny bedroom and into the hall, shaking off a mildewed football sock that had managed to become stuck to my left ankle. Navigating the stairs was a task in itself, as I was almost bowled over by several marauding hordes of children, ululating at the tops of their voices. The fact that they didn't even bat an eyelid at the presence of a stranger in their home was testament, I thought, to the fact that they were used to random folk turning up at any given moment.

When I finally reached the kitchen, I was greeted by Kiku, a gaggle of her female relatives (all with dyed blonde hair, I hasten to add. What is the compulsion there? Is blonde hair so wonderful? I mean, everyone knows that I am the most attractive individual out of Naruto and myself. Perhaps it's different for women. Ino is definitely the hottest piece of eye candy at Konoha-Suna, and Tsunade's not bad either. Then again, for some reason, the one the boss is always jealous of is Naruto, the blonde. Intriguing. I must ponder further upon this most mystifying of mysteries.)

A cacophony of infants of various ages were also present, and the instant I was steered into a chair, one of the rag-tag urchins made to clamber onto my lap. I do not like children, so I stiffened and attempted to remove the child, but every time I did, another one appeared, so I gave it up as a lost cause, and cringed inwardly when Auntie Reiko said, pointing at me with the lit end of her cigarette, "You sure are good with them kids, sweetie-pie. I'll be wantin' to be givin' you a call when I need a babysitter."

Everyone laughed. I managed a weak smile and prayed to god that the boss would arrive soon, inwardly cursing the horrible little perisher who was laughing and smooshing his sticky, crumb-coated fingers through my freshly washed hair.

To his credit, the boss did arrive pretty sharpish. Though, as is always the case with the boss, he can go nowhere without creating a commotion. The first inkling I had of his arrival was when Isamu, Kiku's big bruiser of a cousin, came charging through the back door shouting, "Momma! Momma! There's a big ol' fancy car out front, and that guy from the big company uptown is comin' inside!"

Sure enough, there was a knock at the door. Relief flooded me. One of the many feral children must have answered the door, because I could hear snatches of conversation between said child and the boss.

The boss: "Greetings, little... ahhhh—?"

Child of as-yet-unidentifiable sex: "Girl. I'm a girl, Mister."

The boss: "Ah. Of course. Hello then, little girl. I'm looking for a young man called Sasuke. He is at this house, I believe. Do you know where he is?"

Feral girl-child: "Dunno who that is. I don' even live here."

The boss: "He would be wearing a shirt and tie and smart black trousers. He has black hair and dark eyes—"

Feral girl-child: "Oh yeah. Him. Bird-butt head. He came downstairs. He's in the kitchen."

The boss: "Excuse me? Bird-butt what?"

Feral girl-child: "Bird-butt head, duh! His hair looks like the back of a bird's big, ole butt. The kitchen's through there, Mister. I gotta go."

Bird-butt head.

Bird. Butt. Head.

My cheeks flushed bright red and I had to fight had to repress the urge to rush out and kick the kid really, really hard in the face. I mean, how dare she? What does a kid know about fashion, anyway? The erect strands of hair at the back of my head are meant to represent soft, natural looking spikes - not bird feathers! My hair is clearly superior in every way - and, I might add, does not harbour lice (which hers probably does. Little bitch.) Kiku's aunt was obviously thinking along the same lines because she put a hand over mine, smiling, and said, "I think your hair's beautiful, honey."

Was it my imagination, or was she flirting with me? I bet she was...

Anyway, the boss chose that exact moment to enter the kitchen. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. I had to suppress a smile. The boss, you see, was dressed in full formal regalia: black kimono, white nagajuban, subtly patterned haori, clicky-clacky geta and fully accessorised. Of course, this is quite normal for the boss, and I'm used to seeing him all dressed up, but he looked rather tense and terribly out of place in Auntie Reiko's. I really don't think he knows how to turn it off.

"Sasuke-kun," he said, his eyes darting nervously all around the room, and, I noticed, taking in the flaking, nicotine-stained paintwork, "are you ready to leave?"

I nodded and stood up, my affection for the boss overriding the fervent desire to watch him twitch and pick his way through the neon, plastic debris on the kitchen floor, freshly strewn that morning by children.

"Thank you so much, Reiko," I said, with a fair amount of sincerity, because even though the rap music and the mildew creeped me out, who knows what might have happened if I had been left in an alleyway somewhere.

"No problem, honey," she said. "Always glad to help. Just be thankful our little Kiku was there."

"Yes," the boss began thoughtfully, "and I believe your son, Isamu, is also due a token of gratitude. The porter's job he was interviewed for - I shall see that he gets it."

This announcement sent a frission of excitement throughout the assembled, female occupants of the room, and they began to chatter excitedly. Reiko's jaw dropped. "Oh thank you, Orochimaru-sama!" she said. "Thank you so much! I'm gonna have to tell Isamu - he's gonna be so thrilled! He's out back with that blonde boy from Konoha listenin' to that music of his."

The boss inclined his head graciously, signalling the conversation was at an end. Then he took me by the arm and steered me out of the kitchen. "Kiku," he called out over his shoulder, "Jiraiya is expecting you back. Tell Naruto that we are leaving."

Kiku, who was bouncing what could have been an infant cousin on her knee with a wistful look on her face said, "Sure!" and, depositing the gurgling child on the floor, skipped outside to fetch Naruto. The boss said nothing to me as we made our way out, and the kids, funnily enough, seemed to stay away from him too, appearing to be content to stare at him with a mixture of awe and open-mouthed curiosity.

When we emerged out into the front garden (well, it was more a patch of grass at the front of the house) the pit-bull started barking and lunging at us. My nerves already shot to hell, I let out an involuntary whimper and hid behind the boss's arm (I'm definitely more a cat person). Naruto and Kiku were waiting for us by the Rolls. My beautiful car was parked haphazardly across the street. A thought occurred to me that made my blood run cold.

"Err... wait a minute," I ventured, as all heads turned towards me, "what are we going to do about my car?"

The boss smiled. "That's simple, Sasuke-kun," he said. "I am going to drive."

There was a strange, puzzled silence, broken only when Naruto voiced exactly what everyone else was thinking.

"You know how to drive?"

The boss turned his head slowly towards Naruto and fixed him with a cold, haughty stare. "And what exactly do you mean by that?" he inquired. "Of course I can drive. I think you'll find that there are a number of things that I know how to do, despite the fact that you have not witnessed me doing so."

Naruto giggled sheepishly and scratched the back of his head. "Hee hee... sorry man. I knew you weren't useless."

The boss rolled his eyes and propelled me towards the Aston Martin. "Keys, Sasuke," he said, and I handed them over with a faint twinge of apprehension. "And you two get in the Rolls. My driver will follow behind until we get to the compound."

And there followed, with a screech of tyres and the smell of burning rubber, the most frightening car journey I have ever had the misfortune to experience in my life.

The boss said that he knew how to drive. He did not say that he knew how to drive safely. Let it suffice to say that he drives like Hidan, and that while rounding one particular hairpin bend, I thought that I was actually going to die. He ran red lights, did not check his mirrors before manoeuvring, almost killed two cyclists, never indicated and seemed compelled to drive at a constant speed of at least sixty miles per hour around bends while talking and changing tracks on the i-Pod.

By the time we reached the compound, I was so relieved to be alive that I couldn't quite muster up the strength to speak. The boss, on the other hand, was strangely perky.

"Ahhh... that was rather fun," he said brightly, having parked the car. "I haven't driven in such a long time. I rather miss it. Sasuke? Sasuke-kun, are you alright?"

I was so tense that actually couldn't straighten up to get out of the car. The boss had to help me and I was trembling slightly. We walked all the way down to his house, and I didn't say a word until the front door closed and I sank down onto the floor and whispered, hoarsely, "I want a bottle of wine. A whole bottle. And a DVD. And a blanket. And a teddy bear. Now. And if you even mention _The Fast and the Furious_, I swear to you I will not sleep with you for a month."

The boss, needless to say, got the message. One of his house staff even managed to get me the teddy bear. It's really cute - and cat shaped, too! I've decided to name it Montague, and it is my new favourite possession. The boss fell asleep during the DVD and he's cuddling it. Now that I'm feeling a bit better and more like my evil self, I am tempted to take a picture.

Yes... I think I will.

Oh... one second. Naruto has just texted me and... oh my god. I cannot believe he is going to... Read this.

"hi dude gng 2 block prty at Isamus. he invited me & kiku 2day. sgonna b out of dis fckin wrld im so ecxited!! jiriayas cmn 2 so dnt wrry bt us gttin bck. migt nt b bck til tmrrw morn tho lol. catch u l8r. get well dude."

I seriously cannot believe him. Well, on second thoughts, maybe I can. It seems like exactly the sort of thing Naruto would do. He has absolutely no sense of either suspicion or discretion. I swear he will make friends with anyone who says hello to him - and he will remember their face, name, where they live, facts about their family, interests in common - he just has an unerring instinct for it. I swear it's going to get him in trouble one of these days, when he makes friends with the wrong sort of person.

Ah well... at least I'll get some peace at last. Perhaps I should wake up the boss to celebrate?

* * *

Satire, and veiled, ironic canon references in A Day in the Life? Wha?? Since when? XD

Well, hello there! Long time no see. I'm sorry for the delay between this chapter and the last, but I'm afraid I was suffering from severe burn-out. Writing around 73,000 words in just under two months can do that to you. I've had a nice break now, though, so although the chapters won't be coming as quickly as they used to, I won't be stopping altogether. Huzzah! I'm pretty glad for that myself, as I still like writing this story. Hope all you guys are still here too...

On with the thanks!

**danniquinn** (Yes, Oro definitely does have some sort of PMS. I'm guessing it's more SBS, or Spoiled Brat Syndrome. The tempestuous rages are definitely a sign. I wish I could have gone to Lee's party too. I love giant jenga). **Lisa** (Thanks for the compliments, hee hee. And don't worry. Your knight in shining armour, armed with frozen prawns, will come!) **SlythCommand** (Too wet for fireworks? Sadness. I love fireworks. That's usually the story here in the UK, when we have our fireworks day in November of all times. Couldn't Guy Fawkes have chosen a more clement time? Silly rebellious man). **missyserena214** (ha, yup! The party did get wild. I suppose. Even no illegal substances were imbibed. Ph33r the mighty buck wild power of teh prawns!!) **Raspedra Twilight** (Lol, yes, you should fear the prawns. They tend to fall from freezer doors and cause injury, either by tumbling down and whacking someone on the head or back, or lying in wait for some poor sap to slip on them. And if not thawed properly, they can cause acute food poisoning. Fear the prawns...) **Voltra the Lively** (glad you like the twist there. Kiku as the Ramen Man's daughter just sort of came to me in flash of momentary inspiration, while I was looking for ways to tie her to canon - and then the Lee's party scenario surfaced and I though... Jackpot!!) **fiore777** (ahhh... thank you again for the uberly cool review! I'm looking forward to your Oro/Sasori fic muchly... oh yes... especially if there are to be pairings involved. I remain hopeful. And by the way, you gave me THE coolest idea in the universe when you casually mentioned in a PM about Sasuke liking cats - and you unwittingly helped solve a problem I've been having with this fic! Fuzzies and white chocolate for you, sirrah!) **Lenis Vox** (firstly, "urban chair fight". Lol. Seriously. I think Sasuke will have to use it at some point, and you can play a game of "Ahhhh! That's my line!! Plagiarism! Plagiarism! Secondly... your dream. It sounds HELLA AWESOME!! I love having weird dreams like that!) **xXUrbanRegalityXx** (Hee hee, cheers so much for the compliments. Sorry I didn't actually update soon, but I'll try more to in future. And the Ramen Guy is the most powerful force in the universe. Clearly, you shouldn't mess with him. XD) **natwel** (sorry I haven't updated for a while, but you'll know why from the little note at the top. Burnout isn't good. The writing starts to take over everything and you end up forgetting to perform maintenance tasks like eating and getting dressed in the morning. XD As I said, not good. Oooh... bitchy e-mail there concerning Oro. I take it you're not a fan?) **Zinjah** (Mayfair is the most expensive square on the UK edition of Monopoly. Seeing as I'm from the UK, I used it, as I'm not sure what streets the Japanese version uses. It's approaching December because... well, the story is nearing the end of November. XD)

**Rambonata** (hee, cheers for the kudos, tis much appreciated. Sorry I couldn't update that soon, but my little note at the top there explains why. Burnout is a bitch.) **ChibiKeimei** (Lol, people should learn to fear and respect the power of prawns. One salmonella infected prawn can take a grown man down in one shot. Oh yes. Glad you like the story, too, even though it's Oro/Sasu. I get that a lot, actually. I guess it's because the story is so ridiculous that it simply cannot rub people the wrong way. XD I'm glad you liked Lee too, and I'm chuffed that you've totally got that I was trying to portray him as canon-like as possible - being calm and forgiving and stuff. Yay!) **Niver** (Yay! Hello again! Yes, jenga is a never-ending source of comedy. Especially giant jenga. Although it's not so funny when the blocks fall on you. **Luna-Lunak** (woo! Four reviews! Thanks very much! It's nice to know all your favourite moments. Makes me smile. Some of them are mine, too, especially that little email from Deidara. I miss him in the manga already. He'll be popping in for the Otogakure Christmas party, though, next chapter, so expect some mayhem.) **danni quinn** (Oh, I feel guilty now. I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while, but... burnout, lol. It sucks muchly. Never want to have to go through that again. Hope you had a good time wherever you went!) **natwel** (lol, hello again. Twenty-one is here.. finally. Woo! XD) **Espiroth** (Hiya! Thanks for the review. Tis appreciated muchly. I think I must confess that chapter nine is one of my favourites, along with the one when Oro gets banged up in the cells because of Sasuke. The thought of him having a proper man cold is just... it's just comedy. XD) **ArilianaFireQueen** (Hello again! Nice to see you and glad you're back. The killer tan and blonde streaks sound rather pretty, I must say. I'm afraid I'm a typical pasty Brit, and probably wouldn't be able to tan even if I spent ten years making roads in Dubai.) **Nozomi-Sama** (Hello there! Thanks very much for the review for the last chapter. Tis a cool thing to do. I'm glad I made your parents think you're mad. It's all part of the service, and lol, the characters were meant to be OOC in the beginning, but somehow, they have taken on a few canon characteristics. So much so now that I don't quite know whether they're trying to be canon or not. The only one I know for sure isn't at all canon is Sasuke, but then I love writing him that way. Funnily enough, I'm not that keen on him in the manga, yet I've written a twenty-one chapter story from his point of view. XD)

Thanks again, guys! You rock!


	22. Chapter 22

A Day in the Life

December 8th

Several things are going on right now. Firstly, I feel I must report on the Christmas situation proper, as opposed to the work's party. I sent that draft e-mail I wrote to Itachi about a week ago and I have only received a reply this morning. It was typically functional with no mention whatsoever of the boss (I think Itachi's in denial - trying to pretend he won't be there):

----

From: "Uchiha Itachi"  
Subject: Christmas plans

Otogakure is perfectly acceptable, Sasuke. I shall attend. Kisame has also expressed a desire to attend this year, as apparently Zabuza and Haku will be working over the festive period, shooting Christmas and New Year specials of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Kimimaro is still travelling in Suna.

I shall have to shop for gifts when I arrive in Otogakure, as there is rather a lot to do at the company right now. Unfortunately, therefore, I shall not be able to attend the Otogakure Christmas party this year. I believe that Sasori and Deidara will be, however.

Our flight will arrive in Otogakure at 3:15pm on the 15th. We shall be flying with Mizu Airways and the flight number is MZ1515.

I will see you then, Sasuke.

Itachi.

----

This has increased the number of guests at the boss's Christmas gathering to fourteen. The Official List stuck onto the magnet board in the boss's office stands as follows (and may be subject to change):

Myself  
Sasuke-kun  
Jiraiya  
Tsunade  
Sarutobi-sensei  
Mrs Sarutobi  
Kabuto-kun  
Naruto-kun  
Kiku-kun  
Dan  
Sakura-kun  
Konohamaru-kun  
Itachi  
Kisame

I think the boss is beginning to regret having let Naruto into his abode. The plywood and the tyre arrived this morning, and the boss poked his head out round the bedroom door at 7 am in time to see Naruto whistling gaily and balancing a 4" x 8" board of plywood on top of his head. The boss stopped him and demanded to know what was going on. Naruto, because he is an innocent, happy sort of person, could not perceive the threat and chirped, "I can't tell you. It's a seeeeecret." When the boss attempted to press him further, Naruto began to skip away. The boss gave chase and thus it was I discovered how that particular event came to pass, as I witnessed them thundering through the dining room and out the other side as I sat sipping at my morning cup of coffee.

They must have resolved their conflict, as the boss came down for breakfast about ten minutes later, shaking his head and muttering to himself.

I asked, turning a page of the Otogakure Enquirer, "What was that all about then?"

Reaching for his fruit plate, the boss replied archly, "I have given Naruto-kun his Christmas present early. He has managed to find an undecorated room on the second floor in the east wing. He will be decorating it to his liking."

"You're not serious?" I asked, setting down the paper.

"Perfectly serious," he said, popping a blueberry into his mouth.

"But..." I stuttered, willing him to see the foolishness of his gesture, "... didn't you see the tyre?"

"I did."

"And the rope?"

"Yes."

"And you're still going to let him do this?"

"Of course."

Utterly bamboozled, I blinked and said, "Why?"

The boss observed me momentarily, before the corners of his mouth turned up in a wry smile. "I didn't know what to get him for Christmas," he confessed.

Stunned into silence, it took a few seconds for me to wrap my brain around this concept. When the words did come out, it was a slow and ponderous affair. "You didn't know what to get him for Christmas," I repeated, adding, "so you're going to let him destroy one of the rooms in your house."

"I have lots of rooms, Sasuke-kun," he said airily. "I wasn't even aware of the existence of that particular room until today, and if it will ease the burden of Christmas shopping, then it does not matter if Naruto destroys it. After all, I can as easily have it redecorated when he leaves."

The boss's decadent flippancy boggled my mind a shade and, for the sake of my sanity, I decided against continuing the conversation. It was for the best, I am sure. When I passed by the mysterious room earlier on this afternoon, I heard the sound of hammering and the radio tuned into Oto Alternative FM blasting out at full volume. I dread to think what he's doing in there.

As well as Christmas proper, the issue regarding the catering for the office Christmas party has been resolved. Huzzah! The boss threw a hissy fit at the end of the last committee meeting and demanded to know which of his members of staff knew anything about cooking. Needless to say, Gen'yumaru was dragged up from Purchasing and he is now in charge of organising the catering. I'm wondering whether there will be any garlic mushrooms on the menu? I am in no doubt whatsoever regarding the presence of champagne.

I am in charge of dealing with the RSVPers and of the decoration of the function suite (this is how I found out that Sasori and Deidara will definitely be attending - god help us). I have been co-ordinating my efforts with Gen'yumaru in order to ensure that nothing clashes. Our theme is Red and Black, and it's going to ooze so much class that I will wager the handsome sum of two-hundred and twenty-six yen that even the boss will be impressed. The waiting staff will be clothed in black tuxedos, penguin style; the dress code will be red, black and _strictly_ formal; the meal will be a four course affair and the entertainment courtesy of the fabulous, jazzy Soil and Pimp Sessions. The decor... oh yes... the _decor_ will consist of sultry canopies, candlelight, cushions and lots of black and red rose petals. There will also be an open bar.

I think I may secretly be a genius.

The 10th is going to be such an amazing night. I can feel it in my bones...

11th December

My bones lie. They are lying liars. They told me that the party would be amazing. Now, for me, an amazing party is one where near fatal "accidents" do _not_ happen, where _no one_ gets drunk to the point of playing "Pot Wars", and - most especially - where no one FLIRTS INAPPROPRIATELY, thus causing something of a stir.

All my hard work was undone in an instant when the boss threw a wobbly at the last committee meeting (complete, of course, with obligatory pacing, slamming of fists upon desks and scaring the bejeezus out of his employees). The boss went on at _great_ length, but I feel I may be able to paraphrase with the aid of some choice excerpts. The gist of his tirade:

"THAT IS IT! I HAVE _HAD_ IT! I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD ABOUT GARLIC MUSHROOMS! IT IS OFF! OVER! I AM CANCELLING CHRISTMAS! AND DON'T YOU DARE ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME, SUIGETSU, OR I SHALL SERIOUSLY CONSIDER GIFTWRAPPING AND PRESENTING TO YOU YOUR P45!"

The result of the aforementioned wobbly was that we (the higher-ups) did not get to go to the wonderful Red and Black themed party. Instead, we were told to dress up nicely and turn up at the boss's house at eight sharp for dinner and drinks. Everyone else was really excited about this, but Kabuto and I were looking forward to a proper party because we're always at the boss's house.

I had to relay this information to Deidara and Sasori via text. I received this unnerving reply from Deidara.

"That's fine. We like that better anyway. See you soon."

Now, I must take the opportunity to stress that, out of all of Itachi's colleagues at the Akatsuki Group, Sasori and Deidara are definitely the ones who unnerve me most. Why? Please, permit me to elucidate.

When you were at school, back in the days when you were but a nipper: keen, curious and innocent, think back on what sorts of children you shared your teachers with. There were the smart kids; the dumb kids; the smelly kid; the poor kids; the nerdy kids; the rich kids; the kids that always burst into tears every time someone used even the tamest playground insult against them; the bullies; the side-kicks; the cool kids; the hanger-on kids. When I think of Sasori and Deidara, I think of the bad kids: different from the common bully in that they are truly, naturally vindictive - not having entered the trade of terrorising in order to boost a flagging sense of self-esteem or to steal anyone else's lunch money. They were just... well... _bad_... and they scared the hell out of the other kids. Even the playground bully usually stayed away.

You never really knew anything about the bad kids, apart from the fact that they didn't show up at school a whole lot and that they smoked round the back of the bins and did drugs. There were rumours, though. Always rumours. "Those kids set fire to someone once, I swear! My cousin's friend's friend told her and she told me!" "I heard they slashed a guy's face just for looking at them from across the street!" "They kicked an old lady to death because they felt like it! It's true! I heard my brother telling his friends the other night!"

Things like that.

They were only ever rumours, though, because, even though your tingling spider-senses told you that you shouldn't mess with the bad kids, they were never actually caught doing anything and no one had ever witnessed any of the supposed atrocities they had committed. So you walked past them with your head down on the way in to school, careful and cautious, lest you caught their eye. And there were always two of them - or two types at least. One was manic, laughing and shouting and starting fires. That's Deidara. He's loud, he's jittery and does not know how to spend an idle moment. If you ply him with alcohol, he'll be your friend for life. The other type was quiet, surly, and when they looked at you, you felt like they were deliberating over the quickest way to dispose of the evidence after they'd finished with hacking your torso into quarters. That, is Sasori. He doesn't speak much at all, preferring menacing monosyllabic retorts and smoking to any sort of polite conversation. I think he may even take more hard drugs than Deidara, which is saying something. Then again, that's only my suspicion. I've never _actually seen them_ do it. They both wear copious amounts of eyeliner, though, and I'm guessing that's to cover up the red-eye and the dark circles.

They are, to put it plainly, mentalists. And that's why Deidara's text unnerved me. It was suspiciously normal. A case in point: when I texted him once to ask about the arrangements for Goldie's funeral (time and venue and such), this was the reply I received:

"errr black... BLACK PArlance sassy!! 2 2 or 2 an half? i need to ask fishsssyy hehehehe. HE TOld me. willllll wil wilw il? yeh. WILL LET YOU KNOW I CANT SEE PROPERLY SORREEE FOR Sorrt if myy if u if u cant cant read. BYE xx"

Obviously, I couldn't understand a word. The boss ended up translating for me. The funeral was at half past two at Black's funeral parlour, which was what Deidara had been apparently trying to say under the influence.

My keen and penetrating powers of deduction told me that they must have been saving themselves for the party later.

My keen and penetrating powers of deduction did not lead me astray. They turned up at half past eight - just in time to skip dinner - and headed straight for the bathroom, not speaking to anyone. I followed them inside for several reasons. Firstly: I was disgusted by the boss and needed to make that disgust apparent. Secondly: Naruto was in there and I didn't want the junkie twins giving him anything that would make him louder and more hyperactive than he already is. Thirdly: I needed a pee.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I haven't told you why I ended up falling out with the boss yet. Well I'll tell you in one word:

Kabuto.

At the beginning of the night, I met up with the boss in his lofty reception hall at quarter to eight so that we could go along to the good dining room together. He eyed my suit approvingly. It's fairly new and he hadn't seen it - black but with the barest hint of sheen on the material. I was also wearing a bow tie. It took me forty five minutes standing in front of the mirror to get it to look like a bow tie should, and I had to consult wikipedia for instructions on how to tie the bloody thing. Most importantly, though, I looked good. Damn good.

The boss, I must say, was looking good too, and strangely regal. His kimono was rather lovely - black with lots of twisting serpents embroidered in a slightly lighter shade of black, the sleeves almost trailing to the floor. So far, so good.

"Sasuke-kun," he said, snaking his arm though mine as we made our way into the dining room, "I must hand it to you. You dress divinely."

"Wouldn't have it any other way," I replied, trying my best to repress a smug smile.

Feeling quite proud of myself at that point in the proceedings, the general aura of happiness surrounding me rose exponentially when I saw how well Naruto, Kiku and Jiraiya were turned out. I was rather worried, you see, considering Naruto's tendency to wander around the boss's house in nothing but his superman underpants a lot of the time. At the last Christmas party in Konoha HQ, he came wearing a Specials t-shirt, Vans and a pair of scruffy denim cut-offs. Everyone else was wearing suits (not that that made Naruto feel out of place in any way, of course). Naruto was - against all expectations - in a suit! Naruto later whispered in my ear that Jiraiya had paid for it because there was no way in hell he would have been able to afford it. I said that I expected as much, because the boss has paid for most of my formal attire as well. We giggled conspiratorially. I blame that on the wine.

Along with Jiraiya, Kiku and Naruto, the rest of the Oto higher-ups were there (minus Juugo, of course): Karin, was looking fabulous in a little black dress and Amachi, Suigetsu, and Gen'yumaru were all in tuxedos. The biggest surprise, however, was Kabuto.

I swear my jaw dropped when I saw him enter gracefully through the open double-doors of the dining room. In fact, I must confess that I didn't recognise him at first. At all. Kabuto appeared to have had altogether forsaken his day-to-day indigo lab-rat jumpsuit in favour of a silvery kimono with a black collar that was so pretty and well made that it seemed to shimmer in the candlelight, and he had left his hair long and ditched the specs.

When Kabuto finally arrived at the table, he sort of stood there for a while looking sheepish because Suigetsu and Amachi were gaping openly at him.

"What?" he said, smiling slightly, "You've never seen me in formal before?"

Everyone laughed - but it was not a nice laugh, not a reassuring laugh, oh no. It was one of those silvery, tittering laughs one makes when confronted by someone who is unspeakably beautiful. I am often on the receiving end of such laughs, but when they are not directed at you, they can be quite infuriating. Especially when your significant other - WHO IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU - is also doing it.

"Kabuto," my disbelieving ears heard the boss say, "you dress divinely."

My jaw dropped.

THAT WAS MY FUCKING COMPLIMENT!! Hadn't the boss just said that to me not two minutes ago? I mean, seriously, does he ply every hot piece of ass he meets with the same lines?

Suddenly, my threat alert sensors were on overdrive. I swear, I only had time to blink and Kabuto had somehow managed to fill the vacant seat on the boss's left, and they were chatting away quite genially, glasses of wine in hand, ignoring me completely. I began to feel quite isolated because everyone was talking to everyone else, and when my polite coughs were not registering with any member of our party, my patience wore thin. After about five minutes of utter humiliation, Naruto got up to go to the bathroom, and so it was with a strategically pronounced huff and a flounce (mainly for the boss's benefit), I followed after him.

When I threw the door in a suitably dramatic fashion, a sorry sight rose to greet me. Visions of every house party I'd ever been to came back to haunt me. I found Deidara and Sasori sitting on the floor, legs stretched out in front of them, smoking, and Naruto happily tinkling away into the can, rocking back and forth on his heels, whistling a jaunty tune.

Sasori grunted in acknowledgement of my presence in the bathroom, nodding his head curtly in my direction. Deidara grinned maniacally and patted the ground next to him invitingly.

"Baby Uchiha!" he exclaimed with mock surprise. "Come, come. Sit by me and have a drag!"

With a sinking heart, I realised where my place was going to be that night. I wasn't going to be in the lounge with the cool kids, or up in the bedroom with the sexually active kids, or in the kitchen with the kids who drink too much, or even hacking into someone's dad's Mac to look at porn with the geeky kids. No. I was going to be stuck in the bathroom, doing drugs with the bad kids.

Feeling miserably sorry for myself all of a sudden, I snatched at Deidara's proffered cigarette and inhaled deeply. I must say right now that it is not the norm for me to smoke - but that night, I was a smoker. A hardcore smoker. Forty a day would have been _nothing_ to me. A few minutes later, a bottle of vodka mysteriously materialised from the folds of Sasori's clothing, and it was passed around, each of us taking a swig at a time. A soap dish served as our ashtray. There were magazines in the cupboard under the sink. We had all that we could possibly need, and, gradually, as I took more and more swigs, I came accept my newfound station and comrades. Naruto joined us but briefly on the cold tiles, as his desire for pasta was overwhelming and his stomach kept rumbling and breaking our carefully crafted silence of malcontent - but, Deidara promised solemnly, he was one of us, and he could come back at any time as long as he had vodka.

Naruto giggled and said he'd come back and bring vodka. He also asked me if I was coming through to the dining room for the meal. Visions of the boss flirting with Kabuto lodged themselves in the forefront of my mind and I felt my fists clenching just thinking about them. There was no way I was going back in there to witness it so I fobbed Naruto off by saying, "Nah, it's alright. I'm not really that hungry. I'll just stay here a little bit longer. Want to catch up and all that."

This seemed to satisfy Naruto, and he cheerfully left with a wave and a grin as he closed the door behind him, sealing my fate. Why on earth I didn't go with him, I do not know. Why I wilfully sought the company of two of the most quietly insane people I have the misfortune to know, I have no clue. Suffice it to say, within half an hour, I was absolutely wrecked. Seriously. I was probably more drunk than I have ever been drunk before in my entire life. I took no drugs, but the amount of clear spirits I imbibed conspired to impair both my vision and my ability to stand on two legs. It also reduced, somewhat, my faculties of discretion.

In other words, by about quarter to nine, I was crawling around blindly on the bathroom floor, tearfully snivelling whilst telling Sasori and Deidara about my relationship troubles.

"He's in there right now with him..." I sobbed, hugging the vodka bottle as though it were my closest friend. "Probably feeding him fucking... fettuccini with... with a _fork_ and a _spoon_! And talking about nice things! Nice things like hugs and... and DVDs and... and shit like that... and how much they miss... how much they miss doing one another!"

"That's it, Sasuke," Deidara said, leaning over and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. "Just let it all out. Here, blow your nose—"

"Want me to punch him for you?" Sasori inquired, while lighting up yet another cigarette.

"Nonono, you can't just go out there and punch him, Sasori-danna," Deidara exclaimed, waving his hands wildly in the air. "What _were_ you thinking? Besides, I've totally got a better idea!"

"What?" I piped up blearily. "Are you going to murder Kabuto? 'Cause, right now, I'm all for that."

"Alas, no, Sasuke," he said, with a mad gleam in his eye. "It involves no murder, but," he added, lowering his voice conspiratorially, "it most definitely involves me getting LAID, uhn!"

He then performed the universally understood "getting laid" gesture in order to ensure his intentions were rendered unambiguous. Sasori rolled his eyes. I directed a somewhat sceptical look at Deidara, inviting him, through the power of the raised eyebrow, to explain himself.

"And how will your getting laid help me in any way, shape or form?" I inquired.

Deidara snorted, and laughed a condescending laugh, as though his addled logic was the most lucid in the world.

"Simple, Sasuke," he said, grinning. "I simply drag Kabuto off into a bedroom somewhere and shag the living daylights out of him. All I have to do is make sure old Whoro knows about it. Job done! I get laid, you get laid, and Sasori-danna gets laid! Everyone's happy. And laid."

"Errrrrr..." I began uncertainly, " that's really good and all, but how does Sasori get laid exactly?"

"NO TIME FOR QUESTIONS!!" Deidara yelled suddenly, grabbing me by the arm and hauling me up off the floor. "I'M GONNA MOLEST THAT BOY IN THE NAME OF UCHIHA!!"

His eyes were well and truly glazed with drug-fuelled madness now, and I could feel him jittering as he dragged me towards the bathroom door. A sober something at the back of my mind knew this would not end well, and it tried to tell me that, it really did. Unfortunately, my mind had been pickled by cheap vodka, so the message didn't register.

Thus I was hauled into the dining room where Deidara and I discovered that the party was just about to move into the stylish little room with all the comfy leather chairs, the fireplace and the big glass coffee table. I could see the boss and Kabuto leaving their seats, and the boss was looking around, seeming vaguely irritated about something.

The utter cheek, I thought. What right did he have to be irritated? I said this much to Deidara and he agreed with me, stating that we should hasten forward with his not-so-noble plan.

We were caught trying to sneak in behind the party by Suigetsu and Karin, both of whom had wondered where the hell I'd got to. I said that I'd been "catching up" with Deidara and Sasori and hadn't realised the time. They both looked at one another and then Karin whispered, "Orochimaru-sama's really angry with you, Sasuke. He missed half the meal wandering all over the house looking for you. No one knew where you were. You didn't say you were leaving."

My stomach briefly did a little flip-flop at the mention of the boss traipsing all round the house to look for me, but it was soon replaced by righteous indignation. It was his own damn fault for flirting with Kabuto right in front of me. He damn well deserved the trek. It was his own fault for having such a ridiculously large house built anyway. Served him right. Hmph.

It was only when Deidara began to agree vehemently with me that I realised I'd said all that out loud. Suigetsu was trying very hard not to laugh and Karin looked uncomfortable.

"I mean, who needs a massive house like this anyway?" Deidara observed loudly, swinging wide round the doorframe and knocking an expensive vase off its pedestal. "And what're you gonna do with it, anyway - apart from fill it with vases, haha!!" He observed the shattered vase for a moment and then giggled at it.

"Vases suck!" I heard myself shouting drunkenly, as I punched the air in agreement. "Down with vases in stupidly big houses!"

"YES!!" Deidara cried, turning to me and grinning his manic grin. "What is the _point_ in them, anyway?"

"YOU FOOL! YOU FILL THEM WITH DEAD THINGS!!" I howled, cracking up, as Deidara collapsed on the floor laughing.

"I happen to think they have a certain aesthetic quality," the boss's voice came drifting over my shoulder.

Silence fell, broken only by Deidara's gentle giggling _("D- Dead things... dead things! Hehehe...)_ I turned to face the boss, trying my best to iron my face straight. Karin was right. He did look angry. And for some reason, this was terribly funny to me. I have no idea why. It was kind of like that time back at the Academy when Chouji accidentally farted in class during an exam. The Fart was so loud and fearsome that it rattled the back of the toxic blue, moulded plastic chairs we all had to sit on. For one who spent most of his waking hours trying to squeeze out lesser farts in order to amuse Shikamaru, he looked surprisingly shocked when it came. It must've been a combination of the "did I do that?" expression on Chouji's face and the sheer ferocity of the Fart. I tried to hold the laughter in, I swear, but it found its way out as an incredibly undignified snort. Well, the floodgates opened after that and I started laughing like a hyena on crack - which inevitably set everyone else off in turn. Iruka-sensei, after shouting himself hoarse, ended up cancelling the test, and Chouji and I were made to stay behind, which we both thought was terribly unfair. I mean, how can you punish someone for farting? And I wasn't the only one who laughed at the Fart. The whole class should have been made to stay behind!

But yes. That particular scenario from last night somewhat resembled the Fart debacle, in that a deadly serious situation collided with one of sublime absurdity - resulting in me being unable to keep my damn face straight.

"Where were you, Sasuke-kun?" the boss asked, folding his arms.

In between fits of the drunken sniggers, I managed to choke out, "In the bathroom."

The boss fixed me with a severe look. "In the bathroom? For all that time?"

"It was a loooong pee," Deidara added solemnly, making a strange wiggly gesture with his fingers that set both of us off again.

Disgusted, the boss turned on his heel and stalked off towards the fireplace. We watched him throw himself down into the chair next to Kabuto's. The Silver-Haired Usurper was feigning concern, and I saw him steal a quick look at us before directing his attentions back to the boss.

"He's a tart," I slurred. "I can't watch this..."

"Look, don't worry, Sasuke," I heard a familiar, kindly, feminine voice say. "It'll be okay."

I turned around in search of the voice. Karin was still there - in her little black dress. She was smiling in a sympathetic way and she was touching my arm. I realised then that Karin had always been nice to me, always sticking up for me at work, always looking sexy, always there whenever I felt like calling her for a bitch-fest, always there when I needed a shoulder to cry on, really.

It was then that I decided that I wanted comfort as well as vengeance.

"Hey, Karin..." I began, turning on the family charm and ignoring Deidara, who was eyeing up Kabuto and tugging at my collar, "want to come sit with me for a bit?"

Karin blushed and said, "Sure, Sasuke."

Unfortunately, we didn't manage to get that far. There was both a good point and a bad point to this. The good: being a shade inebriated, I would most definitely have kissed Karin had we managed to get cozy on the sofa, and it would have been right in front of the boss. Yes, I do feel guilty about this unwelcome truth, even though I didn't actually do any kissing. The bad: I embarrassed myself horribly by whiteying (think foul, vodka-smelling projectile white vomit) all over the carpet in front of everyone when we got about halfway across the room.

I can't really remember what happened immediately after that, but I woke up some time later in the boss's bedroom with my head bent over a bucket. Classy. A blurry sea of faces came into focus as I blinked in attempt to clear my vision. The boss was there, sitting on a chair looking angry and concerned. Karin was there, looking nervous. I could hear Kiku popping chewing gum. Deidara had tagged along, and he was taking the opportunity to rake through the boss's belongings, evidently looking for something and not giving a flying toss about my well-being. Kabuto was there, too, but I could only hear his voice. He was talking to someone about head trauma.

I tried to speak, but a hacking, wheezing cough was the only sort of utterance I was able to make at that point. My head was throbbing. Matters did not improve any when I proceeded to scream like a girl and thrash and fight when I discovered that I was in the same bed as Jiraiya. Naturally, as I was somewhat inebriated, I assumed the worst. I called him a lot of nasty names and accused him of taking advantage - this accompanied by a considerable amount of sobbing - before the boss managed to calm me down enough so he could explain the situation.

It turned out that I was not the only one who had embarrassed myself. Apparently, Jiraiya had decided to come along to the informal bathroom gathering when Naruto informed him of his intention to deliver us several bottles of vodka as he'd promised. Before they even go that far, however, being the juvenile imbeciles that they are, they decided to have a quick round of "Pot Wars". Now, "Pot Wars", I am told, is a game which involves the participants rushing at one another headlong whilst sporting saucepans by way of cranial protection. I'm not sure, but I think the point of the game (insofar as there is any discernible "point") is to make the most terrible, ungodly racket possible as the pots clang together. Needless to say, it did not end well. Naruto ended up in bed with a concussion and Jiraiya needed three stitches.

Jiraiya and Naruto were not the only ones who had ended up injured. Kiku sprained her ankle tripping over the ludicrously long sleeves of the boss's kimono and Suigetsu... well... Let's just say he had a bit of a run-in with Sasori. I'm not quite sure what happened, because my memory is fuzzy and Suigetsu's lip was swollen and I couldn't understand everything he said, but apparently, he went to take an innocent whizz and interrupted Sasori, who was still in the bathroom where Deidara and I had left him, doing god-knows-what. Sasori, I think, was hallucinating, confused Suigetsu with a relative, accused him of stealing his rare signed 12" vinyl copy of Spanish Stroll by Mink de Ville, and punched him in the face. Suigetsu, bloody-nosed and confused, last saw him wandering off in the direction of the spiral stairs. We think he might be in the attic.

Deidara, I am afraid to say, could not stay to join in the search party, as he caused a bit of a fuss and ended up falling out with the boss. It was round about the time that I accused the boss of flirting with Kabuto, citing the "dress divinely" comment as the source of my unease and his filthy guilt. I told the boss that it was his fault that I was so drunk, that it was his fault that I was sick down the front of his kimono, and that it was his fault that the stylish little sitting room on the ground floor wouldn't be able to be used for Christmas because it now reeks of cheap vodka. The boss denied that he was flirting with Kabuto and assured me that the "dress divinely" comment was more of an arrogant observation on his ability to pick out beautiful pieces of clothing, since he had bought the kimono for Kabuto while they were seeing one another (I _knew_ it!!) I said that I didn't believe him. The boss repeated his story and reinforced its truthfulness via a kiss applied directly to my forehead and recourse to Kabuto, who of course backed up the boss's assertions.

"I guess you must have missed me rolling my eyes at his little comment, Sasuke," Kabuto said cheerfully, while tending to the dressing on Jiraiya's head. "I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of replying."

I still wasn't sure about their version of events, though, and I said so. While all this was going on, Deidara was still raking through the boss's drawers, having a nosy at various pairs of socks, underpants and night-shirts. Unfortunately, he chose that moment to unearth a tube of cherry-flavoured lubricant.

"Well, if you're really not interested in Oro," he chipped in, waving the lube in a way he may have considered to be sexually enticing, "then how about we go somewhere private and test this shit out, uhn!"

"What... me?" Kabuto said, pointing to himself and looking bewildered.

"Yeah, you, you silly," Deidara chirped, tossing the lube in the air and catching it. "You're just sex. Total sex."

Jiraiya started chuckling his dirty chuckle that never fails to make me blush and said, "Hey, I think you've pulled, Kabuto. Get in there!"

The boss, however, looked murderous. "That is enough, Deidara," he said, with an unmistakable note of warning in his voice.

"Enough? Enough what?" Deidara countered with a reckless, toothy grin. "You're not going out with him anymore... or are you?"

The boss gazed at him levelly before replying, "I am not."

"Well then!" Deidara laughed. "You've never had a problem with sharing before! Case in point," he added, brandishing the lube at the boss, "the time we had that threesome with Kimimaro. I totally couldn't remember where you kept the lube. You must've moved your stash from where it was last time I was up here."

Following Deidara's dirty, little revelation fell one of the most uncomfortable silences I have ever been part of. The boss was glaring at Deidara with a look that could've killed a dead cow at twenty paces. Kabuto was glaring at the boss in a similar fashion.

"We were still going out then," Kabuto said quietly.

The boss said nothing.

"You told me that you hadn't slept with Kimimaro before you broke up with me!" Kabuto said, his voice rising.

"Kabuto, I—"

"Shut up!" he hissed, his eyes flashing as he stood up abruptly. "Don't even _try_ to lie to me. I know exactly when that was! It was a week after Kimimaro had come here. _A week!_"

"Kabuto-kun, listen to me—"

"No!" Kabuto yelled, striding angrily towards the door. "I don't want to hear it! I don't want to hear whatever feeble excuse you have! I case you haven't realised - I don't care anymore! Go screw yourself, Orochimaru-sama! Go screw yourself in hell!"

With that, Kabuto slammed the bedroom door shut so hard it rattled on its hinges. The awkward silence hadn't left, though. On the contrary, it was still going strong. No one knew where to look. Deidara, however, seemed to see it as a golden opportunity to take a leap into the land of no return.

"Shame," he said, addressing the lube in a pensive sort of manner. A short pause followed, then he looked up and grinned wolfishly at me, saying, "I suppose I could always try for a bit of Uchiha, instead, no?"

Things happened rather quickly after that, and because I was confined to bed, being in no fit state to charge down the corridor to follow the fight, I don't know everything that transpired. I did, however, hear the boss snarl and I did see him lunge at Deidara, punch him across the face and drag him outside the room by the hair. Kiku informed me at breakfast this morning when I asked that the boss ended up throwing Deidara down the stairs, screaming at him to get out and never darken his doorstep again, which, I can say with some confidence, seems fairly reliable information. I don't think Kiku would be able to come up with a sentence like "darken my doorstep" on her own.

The boss came back, presumably after beating up Deidara, and we had a chat. I told him that I believed what he said and that I was sorry for throwing up on him and on the sitting room floor and for acting like such a prat. He forgave me and apologised for not choosing his words more carefully and for inviting Deidara and Sasori along in the first place. While all this was going on, Jiraiya was snoring away on the other side of the bed - Kiku doing likewise from the chair in the corner of the room. It was quite comforting, in an odd sort of way, and I managed to find Montague and fell asleep cuddling him with my head in the boss's lap.

As of yet, Kabuto has not made an appearance. It is 1.30 in the afternoon. I fear that he has run off with Deidara. I hope he hasn't. I need someone to play Halo with.

Sasori is still M.I.A., though Kiku said she woke up last night and heard the sound of someone wandering around in the floor above. Jiraiya's went to have a look, armed with a baseball bat, but it'll be a while before he gets back. The attic is immense.

Naruto hasn't woken up yet, either, and I'm bored and ill. Karin texted me to ask if I was okay. I haven't replied yet. I guess I still feel guilty about wanting to kiss her.

God... what a fucking night. I'm never going to another Christmas party again, I swear it.

* * *

Y hello thar. Long time no see. 

The reason for the long time? This chapter was the chapter from hell. Seriously. It took two attempts (I scrapped the first) and I'm still not entirely happy with it. To be honest, though, I just want to get it out there and off my computer so that I can get on with Christmas, which I'm really looking forward to. Also, I want to kill the person who created the smilie advert that goes "HELLOOO" every time you run your cursor over it. Die, advert, die. Die a slow, slow, painful death.

On a lighter note... I have artwork to pimp!! Two lovely and talented people have drawn scenes from this fic and from _Oro Chan_. The first is by fiore777 of Oro-chan sucking on a slug and the second is of Oro in his jail cell in Konoha by the awesome Blackmoon (remove the spaces):

http // fiore777 . deviantart . com / art / alerjedjwe-slugs-57697615  
http // i203 . photobucket . com / albums / aa103 / MysticBlackmoon / oro . jpg

And now, I think I have some thanking to do:

**Luna-Lunak** (Bunk-beds! Oh noes! Ah well, at least he was asleep, and you could giggle quietly, and if he woke up, you could have pretended you were mad. Hooray! Thanks for the cookies. I loves interwab cookies.) **Anilmathiel Greenleaf** (Thanks very much. Good use of swearage too. I commend you. People who say that swearing is a sign of a poor vocabulary - bollocks, is what I say to that. They're often the ones with poor vocabularies.) **danni quinn** (Hello there! Eeeeh, baby cousins crying. I cannot handle the sound of babies crying. It's the most perfectly hideous sound. Thanks for the review. Hope you liked this chapter.) **SlythCommand** (Hey there! Glad you like the text speak. I love poking fun at it. I even wrote a very serious essay as an undergraduate on language change using an example of basic l33t. It was the most fun I've ever had writing an essay, so I simply had to use it in here.) **fiore777** (Yeah, I should probably cut down on the length of replies. I kind of get carried away. XD Hope you managed to fix your tablet (or get a new one). Kabuto got a bit of action in this chapter, so I hope you liked that.) **yakushi-sushi** (I just love your screen name. XD But gasp! You were a VGDC? The horror! I suggest you remedy this by investing in a PS3 and Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. I have whiled away many hours, days and weeks absorbed in this game and have only just resurfaced. Then again, maybe you shouldn't. You might not be seen for quite some time and friends and relatives tend to get worried about things like that. I agree with you about the mushrooms too. They are the most vile foodstuff known to man (along with eggs). Urgh.) **SasukexXxSakura** (Yay! Thank you very much. Thanks for the review, too. Always appreciated! ) **Dragon77** (Ooh... sorry the update wasn't quite as soon as you probably hoped for. Hopefully, this chapter will be a bit better than I think it is. Hopefully... XD) **ArilianaFireQueen** (Wow... a kitty-Sasuke plushie. That's amazing! XD I wish I could sew and make things like that. I have a few friends who can work wonders with a needle and thread and one in particular who makes the most fabulous, chic and stylish clothes (very talented tailor). I am shamed by them. Hope you had fun poking Naruto. I kind of want to join in. He's so adorable.) **Zinjah** (you are rather adept at cutting summaries, but give me a bit of credit. Try a subtle indictment of the characters of Sasuke and Orochimaru. I would rather hang out with someone like Naruto any day over Oro and Sasuke. ) **Nozomi-sama** (Hog-tying equals guaranteed comedy. Even the name is funny. I want an iPhone, too, but alas, I have just invested in a PS3, so that's rather drained my funds. It was so worth it, though. Can't wait until Resi 5 and Tekken 6 come out. Oh yeah!) **Raspedra Twilight** (I shall gracefully accept your prawns. I love that they have become a sort of currency of merit. XD) **viciouscallisto** (Hello there! Always nice to hear from new reviewers. Man, you've pointed out a few of my favourite moments too. I loved writing that bit where Oro met Gai and Lee. I've been there a couple of times myself. XD) **hieilover** (Lol, I can imagine your shock at inspiring a whole chapter. I love it when random stuff like that happens and it just totally works out. But you went to Guyana? Can I say fuck yeah? I think I can. That's amazing, I'd love to go to a place like that.) **Niver** (Yup. Poverty does freak him out. He really is a loathsome person, although he doesn't realise it (hence the comedy, oh lawks!) He and Oro are like two peas in a pod, really.) **For Whom** (You have a cool screen name. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Cheers for the compliment - and the review. ) **Rambonata** (How can I resist cookies and ice-cream with a cherry on top? I'm so easily swayed. I should work on my resistance, oh yes...) **missyserena214** (Definitely. Do not underestimate the power of fainting as a plot-device. :-P)


	23. Chapter 23

A Day in the Life

* * *

AN: Let it be known that the phrase "sex slavitude" was coined by none other than Zinjah. It is a very good phrase, too.

* * *

December 12th

There are only three days before Itachi comes to Otogakure. There are also only thirteen shopping days left until Christmas. This fills me with a sense of profound dread and rising panic. It begs the question: what have I been doing with my time? Worrying too much about garlic mushrooms and not drawing up Christmas gift lists, that's what.

On the plus side, I know what I'm getting for Naruto. Jiraiya and I had a secret conference over breakfast this morning, which involved lowered voices and coffee behind a copy of the Otogakure Enquirer. Naruto was right there at the table, but wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention, as he had his iPod up at full volume and was performing a wildly enthusiastic drum solo with the aid of three upturned, empty cereal bowls. I believe he was using the cream jug as a cow bell at one point, because I heard Blue Oyster Cult come on. Perhaps it was Naruto's way of hinting that he wants a drum kit for Christmas? I hope not. I don't think I could take that level of noise. Killings would ensue, I assure you. Either that or the drumming was simply Naruto's bog-standard retardedness shining through.

Yes. I think I'll go with that. It makes most sense. Naruto doesn't have a subtle bone in his body, after all. If he wanted a drum kit, doubtless he would've come into the kitchen and announced it along with the musical accompaniment of clanging pot lids.

Dreaded drum-kits aside, Jiraiya is planning on buying Naruto a Wii. He was thinking about a car, but Naruto has always maintained that he wants to save up and buy his own vehicle, so a games console it was. This is good, because it means I can simply take a little jaunt into the nearest Electronics Boutique and purchase one of their fine games. Easy as that. I just hope he doesn't tell everyone. Then I'll have to consult as to who's buying Naruto what game, and that could turn into quite the operation. I might e-mail Itachi to tell him, though, since he doesn't know Naruto that well and might be struggling with gift ideas.

In other news, Kabuto still hasn't appeared yet. The boss is getting worried, but he is showing it by being irritable and edgy. He snapped at me for bringing him his tea and when I snapped back at him and inquired as to what crawled up his backside and died, he confessed that he was worried about Kabuto as he considered his disappearing act to be "decidedly out of character". I said that he should try calling him. The boss nodded vaguely and picked up the phone. Upon asking after Kabuto's health, the boss was rewarded for his efforts with a terse "I'm fine" and a request, "don't call me again," at which point he was duly hung up on. The boss was even more irritable after that, and after volunteering to call Kabuto later myself (because he rather likes me now and we often bitch about the boss together) I have successfully avoided him by sitting in the Senior Staff Members' Lounge with my laptop.

Sasori is still M.I.A. but I don't think he's trapped in the attic any longer. No one heard any scuffling and bumping noises last night.

Right. Karin has just turned up to help me with girl presents in exchange for buying her something nice for Christmas. Hopefully, my Official Gift List will be at least halfway complete by the end of the day!

LATER:

Karin is a lifesaver and a veritable fountain of girly knowledge. To thank her for her immense help, I have offered to take her down to the jewellery store in the Otogakure Mall and let her pick out whichever piece of glittering fantasticness takes her fancy. She seemed quite happy about the arrangement, and we are going tomorrow after work to take advantage of late Thursday night shopping.

There is only one person on my list who is currently bereft of a gift, however, and that one person is the most important of all. To illustrate? I shall copy and paste my official gift list here:

Sasuke's Official Gift List

Naruto – Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles, a ska compilation CD and an I.O.U x1 Fun Day voucher.

Kabuto – Halo 3 and a year's online subscription to the New Scientist

Sakura – bottle of Ultraviolet perfume, chocolates and a nice necklace

Kiku – an Urban Decay make-up set, a pair of ultra-low-rise, indigo skinny jeans from Levis, a big tub of fizzy laces and some sparkly plastic bracelets

Tsunade – VIP membership to the Oto Super Casino and a West Wing box set

Jiraiya – Naked Babes 2008 calendar and an online subscription to 'Gone Fistin'

Sarutobi – Naked Babes 2008 calendar and an online subscription to 'Gone Fistin'

Mrs Sarutobi – rope, compass and a Helly Hansen baselayer set for hillwalking

Konohamaru – ¥12,000 voucher for Hot Topic

Dan – pair of beige dress chinos from L. L. Bean, 32" waist

Itachi – Lush Legends gift box (he will love me forever and will forgive me all my past transgressions for this) and a cute beanie cat

Kisame – Jaws 30th Anniversary Collectors' Edition box set and a cute beanie shark

The boss - ???

Yes. It is official. I have only been going out with the boss for almost four months now and I have absolutely _no idea_ what to get the man for Christmas! Seriously. He is so immensely wealthy that he probably already has everything I could possibly get him from the Oto Mall and a good whack of anything rare of taste and value. Yes, I _have_ thought of tying a bow round my naked midriff and presenting him with an I.O.U. x1 night of sex slavitude voucher, which I know he would really like in a big way, but it wouldn't be that special because, and let's face it, we're always having sex.

I think I'm going to have to engage in some detective work. This is seriously taxing on the old brain cells. We'll see what pestering Jiraiya brings up. I mean, he's the boss's best friend, for god's sake, and he's known him since they were but young nippers. Surely he must know something I could get him for Christmas?

LATER:

Jiraiya is useless. Do you know what he suggested as a present for the boss? He said: "Tie a bow around yourself and give him a blow job voucher, or something."

When I informed him that his suggestion was less than helpful, he just shrugged and said, "Well, kid, as far as I know that's all Oro likes. You could get him some alcohol, but I already have dibs on that, so tough luck."

He then went on to suggest that I do some homework and find out if there's anything he really wants. I sort of cracked up and yelled at Jiraiya at that point, informing him, in a slightly high-pitched tone, that I already knew and understood everything he was telling me and that if he could just point me even vaguely in the right direction, that would be grand.

I'm guessing Jiraiya took pity on me then, because he looked thoughtful for a moment and said, "well, I guess you could try rooting around in the attic. When I was up there the other day, there was a whole load of boxes filled with photographs. Maybe you could make up a photo album or something like that."

I lied. Jiraiya is not useless. He is a godsend. We are going to make the ascent into the attic and rake through the boss's stuff later on tonight. Should be fun.

LATER:

Oh my god.

It is now 12:34 am and I have just come down from the attic, having spent the best part of the last four and a half hours with Jiraiya laughing myself sick at photos of the boss. Some of them are absolute howlers and others are just plain cute. I picked out some of the best ones I want to use in the album I'm going to make up and I have them all laid out here on the kitchen table. They'll have to be squirreled away later, of course, because I don't want the boss catching on. I want it to be a proper surprise, rather than having to watch the boss feigning shock on Christmas morning when he peels back the gift wrap.

I have to describe some of them to you. They're amazing, seriously. I'm going to go to bed tonight giggling and the boss is going to want to know why. There's no way I'm telling him, though. I'll just tell him it's Christmas-related and he'll have to be content with that.

The first one that I have to hand appears to be an old Akatsuki group staff photo, and the boss appears to have helpfully supplied names on the back in his slanting, messy hand. From left to right: "Kakuzu, myself, Sasori, Itachi, Kisame, Konan, Pain and Zetsu." This one seems to have been taken in the reception of HQ for official purposes. I know this because Kakuzu is not acting up, they are all smiling nicely and they all have their formal on, hats and bells included. The second staff photo I found is a bit older, from when the boss was still working at Konoha Corp. before the merger. It is labelled "My Leaving Party" and has captured the boss (looking very young) sitting at a table with the Konoha higher-ups, including Jiraiya, Tsunade, Sarutobi, Mrs Sarutobi, the Daimyo, the Daimyo's wife, Danzo, Homura, Koharu and some grinning, blonde bloke called Minato. I only wish I could've had an "after" picture of that night, because there are quite a lot of empty bottles of red wine littering the table. Jiraiya said it was a brilliant night, but that he "ended up getting all teary-eyed because Oro was leaving." While we were looking at the photos, Jiraiya actually started tearing up again thinking about it and I had to give him a tissue.

He cheered up quickly, though, when we opened the box that had "Family Photos" written on it in marker pen. We were in hysterics, seriously. Jiraiya was crying, but it was rolling around on the floor, laughing his ass off crying. I kept some of the best ones and I have them here on the table. It's weird knowing what the boss's parents look like. Weirder still because they both look really similar and also really like the boss. I'm certain there's some sort of dark, incestuous secret in the Orochimaru family closet somewhere. I am thinking that more detective work is needed, oh yes.

The boss, though… oh my god, I'm trying to type here but I cannot stop laughing!

The boss must have been an adorable little toddler. In one photo, he's got this little, round face covered in cookie crumbs and he's all chubby and staring up into the camera with big, shining eyes. There's another one with his mum and dad and the boss appears to be cuddling a toy called "Snakey" (the stuffed snake must have meant something to him, as he felt it pertinent to write its name on the back of the photo) and the next one in the pile is of the boss, Jiraiya and Tsunade all covered in mud and looking sheepishly up into the camera. Jiraiya remembers that they all got in terrible trouble that day from his mum (they went digging to find out where the worms lived) and ended up being hosed clean in the back garden.

The funniest ones by a long shot, though, were the university ones. There were so many stories, I don't know where to begin, and it was really hard just picking out a few good ones. I'm glad I had Jiraiya to help, though, because it meant I could chose ones with proper, feel good memories.

The boss's University of Konoha graduation photo, with him and Jiraiya standing on either side of Tsunade in their gowns and caps is definitely going in, as is the one with the boss and Jiraiya in grey UoK hoodies (going in for the sheer novelty factor, because I have never before seen the boss not wearing a kimono). The hilarious photo of the boss lying drunk in the fountain at the Public Park in full formal dress will also feature, as will the rather intriguing image of Tsunade and the boss roaring lustily while holding aloft a wheel trim and a massive pair of Y-fronts. I quizzed Jiraiya about this, but he maintains to possess only the vaguest recollection of that particular night, which is unfortunate for him, because Tsunade remembered every little detail and told us all about it the day we first met Kiku. Including the part where Jiraiya got his pants caught on the park railings and was dangling there, bare arsed and giggling like a loon, until Tsunade managed to cut him free with a big pair of fabric scissors.

There are also a few utterly charming ones which I simply could not resist: the first of Tsunade, Jiraiya and the boss having won the International University Debating Competition (with several accompanying newspaper clippings), the second of the boss having won Young Scientist of the Year, the third of him having won Young Alumnus of the Year, and the fourth is just a dorm room photo of him hunched over a typewriter drinking Dr Pepper and looking studious with Jiraiya in the background lying in bed reading a book on Marxist literary criticism.

There are a few other random ones I want to put in, including the ones of the big day out at Hokage mountain and some from Lee's birthday. I'm going to have to drag the boss into a photo booth, too, at some point. Not quite sure when that's going to happen because it will involve having to use all my powers of subtle manipulation to somehow convince the boss to leave the compound and come to the Oto Mall with me. He hates mingling with the unwashed masses.

Hmmmm… will have to ponder on how to get round that one.

December 13th

I didn't have to call Kabuto. He turned up on his own at around eight just as we were having breakfast, still wearing the silvery kimono he had on at the party and smelling strongly of vodka and strange aftershave. It was lucky the boss wasn't there (he left early this morning for some reason, something is going on). An awkward silence fell when he staggered into the kitchen, and suddenly, everyone was _incredibly_ interested in the floral patterned embroidery of the tablecloth. Without saying a word, Kabuto tottered over to the espresso maker and started making himself a coffee, but the silence lingered. During said silence, Jiraiya shot me a significant look over the toast rack and wiggled his eyebrows in Kabuto's direction. I made the mistake of turning round and catching his eye at the wrong time…

"Oh for god's sake," Kabuto snapped, throwing his hands in the air. "Do you have to keep staring at me?"

"Well… I- I didn't mean to," I stuttered, a little intimidated by Kabuto's decidedly stroppy and aggressive behaviour. "It's just that we… well… we were wondering—"

Kabuto rolled his eyes and sighed. "Fine then," he said resignedly. "Yes, Sasuke, I did run away to a motel with Deidara. I did, in fact, get horrendously drunk, and I did have sex with Deidara. Repeatedly. And do you know what?"

"What?" I asked weakly, fearing his answer.

"It was fantastic."

Another silence followed, but Kabuto did not seem the least bit perturbed by it this time, probably because it was less loaded. Naruto, Jiraiya and Kiku were bursting a gut trying not to laugh. I suppose Kabuto felt better having got all that off his chest, because when the coffee machine dinged to let him know his hot beverage was ready, he picked it up in a rather jaunty manner and tottered over to the door.

"I'm off to bed," he announced just before he left the room, "so listen up. I'm going to magnet a bit of paper onto the fridge later, so write down what you want for Christmas - and if you're lucky, I just might think about picking it up."

Then he left, slamming the door behind him.

I swear I've never been so glad to get to work. I'm rather looking forward to going shopping with Karin now. She's the most sane and normal person I know. It'll be nice to spend a stress-free hour or two picking up gifts with a sane and normal person.

LATER:

I am in the office and have just received the following texts from Deidara:

10:34am - "u seen Sasori?"

10:36am – "n/m lol, hes here"

It seems that it is once again safe to venture into the attic. I should inform the boss. He was seriously thinking about setting traps.

December 14th

God almighty. Last night's Thursday late night shopping experience was hellish, to put it mildly. Part of it was my fault, as I had to open my big mouth in the office and mention the trip to the mall Karin and I had planned. Naturally, as soon as Suigetsu found out, he e-mailed Gen'yumaru and Amachi and they invited themselves along. I was a shade pissed off, but Gen'yumaru reassured me that they fully intended to do their own thing while at the mall, so I assumed events would go ahead as planned. I called Karin at her desk phone to let her know that I'd meet her at the car park after work.

"That's great, Sasuke. I'm really looking forward to it. See you then!" she said cheerfully before we hung up.

The rest of my day at the office was splendidly uneventful, as the boss wasn't there to make things complicated. Actually, it was so uneventful that I ended up giving him a call on his mobile just to chat. When he answered, he sounded a bit tense, so I asked him what was wrong. I could also hear chattering voices in the background. I asked him to whom the chattering voices belonged.

He replied, "Sasuke-kun, I cannot talk right now. I am driving and there is a police car just ahead. I will see you soon – and make sure that ethics report on the M3-21 series gets to Karin, because I want the information in it to become common knowledge by the end of January."

I came off the phone utterly bewildered. The boss driving? He never drives unless he can't get a hold of anyone else to do it for him. And who the hell were the people, presumably, in the back seat?

I found out at precisely 4:16pm when I went over to the boss's to change into something fresher and more suitable before meeting Karin and the rest of the mob for shopping. Upon stepping foot through the kitchen door, I was greeted by a sea of faces which really shouldn't have been there – or at least, they had every right to be there, but I wasn't ready for them. Sitting around the table nursing mugs of coffee, tea and, in one case, a can of Mountain Dew, were: Sarutobi, Mrs Sarutobi, Tsunade, Tsunade's on-again-off-again boyfriend Dan, Konohamaru and Sakura.

"Hi, Sasuke!" I heard Dan chirp, as he rose from his seat and made to shake my hand. "Really nice seeing you again. It should be super fun spending Christmas together, eh?"

My eye twitched, and I weakly returned the handshake and made a sad, little sound of agreement, before saying a little too brightly, through gritted teeth, "You never told me anyone was coming today!"

The boss replied, from somewhere in the depths of the refrigerator, "Yes I did, Sasuke-kun. I told you last night."

"Err… no you didn't," I said, the manic cheerfulness of my voice waning a touch. "You never said anything. I was going to ask you about it tonight."

"No, Sasuke-kun. I distinctly remember—" the boss countered, an edge creeping into his voice, "—oh for goodness' sake where the _hell_ is that jar of gherkins?"

"It's finished," I said coldly, folding my arms and watching the boss's backside wriggling around as he searched in vain for pickled cucumbers. "I had the last of them in a sandwich. They were delicious. And no," I added, not forgetting the subject at hand, "you didn't tell me anyone was coming today. I think I would have remembered something like that."

The boss backed up out of the fridge and fixed me with a flinty gaze that, in my experience, has immediately preceded all prior shouting matches between myself and the boss. He opened his mouth to retort, but, fortunately, Kabuto chose that exact moment to enter the room with a yawn and a stretch in an oversized white t-shirt and a pair of boxers.

"It was me you told, Orochimaru-sama," he said sleepily, as he magneted an A4 sheet of paper with the heading "Wish List – Kabuto's Buying" in blue biro. You said you were going to tell Sasuke when you saw him at the party. Oh, hi guys," he added, giving a cursory smile and a wave to everyone assembled. "Nice to see you."

The boss, having missed him this morning, turned on him instantly. "And where have you been for the past two days?" he snapped.

"With Deidara," he said frankly, leaning under the boss's arm in order to grab a can of Pepsi from the fridge. "I had fun. Best extended Christmas party I've ever been to."

"Is that so…" the boss began, and I could see it from the dangerous flash in his eyes that he was gearing up for a proper argument with Kabuto, so I took my opportunity to steal over to the fruit bowl and grab my car keys. The boss spotted me, though, and just as I was about to sneak away, he called out, "—and just _where_ do you think _you're_ going dressed like that?"

I informed him that I was going to the mall with Amachi, Gen, Suigetsu and Karin to pick up some Christmas gifts.

This was a mistake.

I swear not a nanosecond went by before Tsunade said grimly, "we're coming with you. Get the car keys, Dan."

Then, before I even had time to protest, came the inevitable chorus: "Yeah, I was just thinking about doing that myself", "grand idea, Sasuke-kun, I think I'll tag along", "dude, if you're going to the mall, can I get a ride?", "nice one, Sasuke, I still have some presents I need to buy".

When I finally turned up at the car park, Karin was rather shocked to see me turn up with an entourage of thirteen people. The only ones who didn't end up coming were the boss and Kabuto, because everyone else in the house was really only coming so they could escape from them. I could still hear them yelling when I left, and I sincerely hoped that they would get it out of their systems by the time we got back.

Thus it was that a convoy of cars issued forth from the Otogakure Enterprises employees' private car park. Jiraiya and Kiku followed behind me in his BMW, with Dan and Tsunade in the back. Gen took Mr and Mrs Sarutobi in his Lincoln town car. Behind them was Amachi in his weird but cool experimental hybrid-fuel car he built himself, and because Suigetsu likes to live dangerously (and because no one else wanted to go in the kit car) he jumped in with him. Suigetsu does has a car of his own, a snappy-looking Mazda convertible, but he's a lazy sod and won't drive if he can help it. Suigetsu and the boss have something in common, it seems.

As well as Karin, who I originally planned to take, I was lumbered with Naruto, Konohamaru and Sakura, who managed to squeeze into the back seat. We were hardly out of the car park when they started bitching about how there was no room. I stated that my car was designed to be aesthetically pleasurable, that it was a piece of art, and that comfort did not enter the equation. Sakura said it was just like me to buy something flashy and impractical. I countered with the salient observation that it was not, in fact, me who bought it. That shut her up.

Sasuke, 1 – Sakura, 0.

Then Naruto kept prodding me in the back of the head, whinging at me to put on a CD he had brought with him. It turned out to be a random mix of thumping drum and bass Kiku's cousin had burned for him. By the time we got to the mall, my car could have morphed into the Mirth Mobile from Wayne's World the way Naruto, Sakura and Konohamaru were head-banging in the back. The speakers were pounding as I parked the car, and I felt like a thug when I finally turned off the engine and stepped out. As I feared, people were staring at us. One woman even shielded her infant child from my gaze, as though he would have been condemned to end up like me had he caught my eye. Lady, you wish.

Everyone congregated inside the front doors next to Bloomingdale's and Mrs Sarutobi took charge immediately, organising us in regimental fashion with her big, booming, authoritative voice. We were told to meet back here at precisely quarter to eight – no later, "else Sasuke-kun and the rest of us will be leaving without you! Won't we, Sasuke-kun?" I was forced to smile and agree with her. For an old lady, she is quite intimidating – and quite strong, too, as Suigetsu found out to his cost as she yanked him back and reprimanded him with a wagging finger for wandering off and not listening to her instructions. Then again, she is a serial hill walker and is the Vice President of the Konoha Hill Walkers' Club. It makes sense that she'd have a bit of wiry strength about her. In light of this, I may have to reassess my opinion of Sarutobi and his wife as low-maintenance geriatrics.

As soon as Mrs Sarutobi said, "Righto, chaps, off you pop!" it was like she'd fired a starting pistol or something, because everyone raced off in different directions, disappearing into the pre-Christmas melee, leaving Karin and I alone together. Finally, I thought. A slice of normality. Just what the doctor ordered.

Or so I thought.

"Sasukeeee," a familiar voice whispered from over my shoulder. "I need to ask you something."

The palm of my hand connected forcibly with my forehead. "What is it, Naruto?" I hissed.

"What are you getting Sakura-chan for Christmas? Cos, I'm really like… I dunno," he said sheepishly, "I wanna get her something nice, but not too nice if you know what I mean, cos then she'll think I'm coming on to her – which I kinda am, but, like, I don't want her to know that, heh heh."

Oh, Naruto. It seems that he's still intent on going after Sakura, never mind the fact that Hinata from Accounts has had a crush on him for years untold, and never mind that she's a perfectly good looking and respectable girl with a nice pair of tits and ass. Nope. Naruto will stubbornly cling to his addle-brained fantasy that one day – _one day_ – the willowy, fiery strip of a girl, Haruno Sakura, will concede to go out on a date with him.

"She will be mine, Sasuke," he once said to me while we were up drinking in my apartment late at night. "Oh yes… she will be mine. I will go out on a date with Sakura-chan, believe it!"

I am yet to be convinced, although it does seem that now I have left Konoha-Suna Corp. and taken up with the boss, Sakura has warmed up to Naruto slightly. That is not good. There is ¥5,000 of my hard-earned cash riding on Naruto never, ever, ever getting lucky with Sakura, and I don't relish the thought of having to hand it over to him.

I informed him of my plan to purchase her a nice necklace at the jewellery section in Bloomingdales, and he looked thoughtful. Karin, bless her, then invited Naruto along and shared with him another of her sterling gift ideas. She's very thoughtful and considerate. I sure as hell would've have done it.

"We're just going there right now, Naruto," she said, smiling. "You could get her earrings and a bracelet to match Sasuke's necklace. Then she can have a whole set. I'm sure she'd love it."

Naruto sort of stood there for a while, gaping, while his brain processed this information. Then, he took a took a deep breath and cried a piercing cry of joy which startled a passing child as he threw his arms around Karin's neck.

"Karin, that is like the most awesome Christmas idea ever!" he yelled, grinning from ear to ear and jigging enthusiastically. "You're the best!"

And so it was that Sakura ended up with a rather lovely white gold bracelet, necklace and earrings. Karin did rather well out of the whole proceedings, too, as Naruto offered to buy her something as thanks, so she not only managed to obtain a Hot Diamond necklace, bracelet and earrings, but a ring too. I am slightly suspicious of this. Usually I am the one who turns on the charm and has things bought for me by relative strangers.

Anyway, after that, I expressed my desire to head for the Hamleys toy outlet in order to purchase the beanie cat and the shark for Itachi and Kisame. Naruto and Karin helped me elbow my way through the Christmas crowds to get to the shop. It took us half an hour to get there. Seriously. I was bumped, elbowed, shoved, cursed at and my toes were stood upon on multiple occasions. If I'd known what strife was laying in wait for me, I would've turned back and not bothered my arse.

When we finally got to Hamleys, Naruto and Karin busied themselves by cooing over the soft, fleecy stuffed lambs. This left me free to collect one beanie cat and one beanie shark. I wandered over to the till with my Visa in hand, ready to charge the two items to my card when I saw something in the glass display cabinet behind counter which made my jaw drop.

It was Snakey.

Brown, plush and scaled with a pair of amber glass eyes and a grey belly, it was lying there on a shelf, staring out at me. The last time I had seen it, it was being cuddled by the boss in one of his family photos I had hidden away in a shoebox in the bedroom. I knew in an instant that I had to have it. At any cost.

"Errr… how much is that snake in the cabinet there?" I inquired of the severe-looking, middle-aged man who was serving me.

The man looked me up and down and laughed a sanctimonious little laugh as he rang my order through the till. "I am afraid the snake is not for sale, sir."

"What do you mean it's not for sale?"

The shopkeeper rolled his eyes and replied, "That snake is a very rare Steiff collector's piece."

I tried out a bargaining tactic.

"But it's a bit mouldy-looking," I said, observing the snake critically. "Looks as though someone's had it before."

"Sir, it is the only piece left in circulation," the decidedly snooty shopkeeper retorted. "Regardless of its condition, it is extremely valuable. A museum has bid for the toy."

No luck there, then. I decided to try bribery, instead.

"How much do you want for it?" I heard myself saying as I whipped out my chequebook. "Anything. I'll give you anything you want."

"The snake is not for sale, sir. If you wish to express an interest, you will have to go through the proper channels."

Access denied once again. Name-dropping was the next route I attempted.

"That snake there," I said, pointing to it with a ballpoint and looking the shopkeeper directly in the eye, "that snake there used to belong to Orochimaru-sama, my boss. I can bring you the photo as proof if you want. It was his favourite toy in the world when he was little. It's called Snakey. Would you deprive Orochimaru-sama of his Snakey?"

"I do not doubt you can supply proof of prior ownership, Uchiha-san," he replied smoothly, "but the fact remains that the snake no longer belongs to Orochimaru-sama, as Hamleys can supply proof of purchase. If Orochimaru-sama is interested in bidding for the snake, he may contact us directly."

It was then that I started to get angry.

"Look," I seethed, wanting nothing more at that point than to punch the smug git shopkeeper's smug git smile off his face. "All I want to know is how much the snake is worth. Now if you don't tell me, I may be forced to jump over the counter and ram my fist down your throat, you got that?"

The next thing I knew, the jobsworth cretin had pressed a panic button and I was being escorted out of the mall by four beefy security guards. I had to wait outside in the car park, seething with rage, for another two hours so I could show everyone the way back to the compound. Everyone else was cheerful, laughing and getting along, hefting heavy bags full of Christmas gifts into the backs of their vehicles. I, on the other hand, couldn't stop thinking about Snakey. The whole way back, Naruto, Sakura, Karin and Konohamaru were helping me come up with ways to acquire the plush menace. I quite liked Konohamaru's suggestion that I simply walk into Hamleys, pull out a gun, kneecap the shopkeeper so as to maximise the potential agony he must endure for refusing me repeatedly, and then walk out - whistling a cheerful ditty - with Snakey in hand.

Alas, if only I hadn't been summoned to court to face a charge of assault but a few months ago, I would totally be down with that. The judiciary are always more lenient with first-time offenders.

I'm thinking I might have to break out the big guns on this one. Not literally, in that have a secret stash of AK-47s or anything like that. No. Itachi and Kisame arrive tomorrow at 3:15 in the afternoon. Perhaps I can convince them to come on a little shopping trip with me? Who would refuse Kisame? He's six foot four and he can be _really_ bitchy – especially in highly-charged retail situations.

In other non-Snakey related news, the boss and Kabuto seemed to have laid their differences aside. They're playing Call of Duty with Konohamaru and Naruto, and I can hear the loud, rattling sound of machine-gun fire. They invited me to play, but I'm not really very good at that game and I hate losing. I think I might crash the game of poker that Tsunade's got going with Sarutobi and Jiraiya, instead. There's real money at stake, too. I always work best under pressure.

Who knows? I might even be able to win enough to put in a proper bid for Snakey.

* * *

AN: Yeah, I know. I'm an irregular updater. You can go for months without hearing from me, then I get some ideas and go on a writing bender. Ten points to the first person to spot the Wayne's World reference (not the Mirth Mobile one).

On with the thanks!

**SasukexXxSakura** (I know! I love Deidara, too. He just has so much comedy potential. Case in point: when he strangled Tobi with his legs. Oh how I lol'ed! Pity Kishimoto had to kill him off), **Dragon77** (hey, lucky you, the update came pretty quickly this time. Thanks for the review. They're always appreciated! ), **danni quinn** (Oh my god... that is a brilliant idea! Hmmm... I am pondering upon this most excellent of suggestions regarding STD tests, and I am thinking that it most definitely will be used, but later on near the end of the story. You are a genius (and you'll be credited at the top of the chapter, of course!), **fiore777** (glad you liked Blackmoon's sketch. Yours is pretty awesome, too. You appear to have a thang goin down with the cute factor in your art (except for that Kimi piece where he's coughed blood into his hand - I shivered with delight at that one. Such pathos). Sorry I never really dealt with Oro and Kabuto resolving their feud (one of the disadvantages of first person). I should maybe write little one-off one-shots from other characters' points of view to get round that), **Niver** (lol, you have totally hit the nail on the head there with the psycho cousins thing! XD I never thought of it like that, but it's totally true. Akatsuki are like one big dysfunctional family and because he's Itachi's little brother, I guess they consider him to be part of that. And yeah, I can see a canon Sasuke sitting smoking moodily with Sasori and Deidara. Such a drama queen.), **yakushi-sushi** (lol, breaking pencils with his head! XD If only I'd thought of that line, it's priceless (and true, too, because there were a few kids who did that at my school). Have fun in London - and if you're going to crash that party, don't drink too much vodka. It's a killer. Unless tequila is your only other option. That's even worse. Seriously.),** hieilover135** (Eeeeh... mosquitoes. Nasty things. Glad we don't get them where I live. Too cold for the little fuckers. I guess I didn't like the last chapter because it took so damn long for me to get it out. Really, it was like pulling teeth. It just wouldn't come and I got really impatient and fed up because that one chapter was holding everything back. I guess it's okay, looking at it from an outside perspective. The only thing is, I'm not so sure that this chapter is any good either now. XD), **SlythCommand** (Hiya! Yeah, I'm glad it stopped being evil too. Was just so glad to get the damn thing out of the way. I'm not so sure about this chapter now, though. XD ), **Zinjah** (I swear I'm not earning any commission from Microsoft. Honest. (looks around shiftily and pockets a large wad of cash)), **Nozomi-Sama** (Hey! Cheers very much for the review. They're always appreciated. Glad you liked the image of Sasuke sitting in the bathroom smoking with Deidara and Sasori. It is an image I am, sad to say, familiar with. Every time I go to a house party, I always end up sitting with the smokers, even though I don't smoke myself. They usually have good chat, though, and that's always where the gossip is), **Anilmathiel Greanleaf** (Glad the last chapter cheered you up, and I hope you haven't had any more depressing days since then. And yes, Deidara is such a spaz. He has no fear, and I guess that's why he got the crap beaten out of him by an enraged Oro. XD), and finally, **ArilianaFireQueen** (Woo! Hello there! Lol, yes, Sasuke's situation could, indeed, have been a lot worse. He could've went into the bathroom instead of Suigetsu, for one. XD Glad you liked the chapter, and you mustn't let Naruto poke you back. You have to show him who's boss.)

Thanks for all the reviews, guys. They cheer me up, really they do.

Until next time!


	24. Chapter 24

A Day in the Life

December 15th

I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that, as of 2:00pm, I will have finished work for the duration of the Christmas holiday. The bad news is that I am finishing work at 2:00pm precisely because I have to be at Otogakure airport at 3:15pm to pick up my older sibling and his great, hulking behemoth of a workmate. I have no idea how Kisame will fit into the back of the Aston Martin. He's the tallest person I know - and I know both Jiraiya and Morino Ibiki. Not only that, but Itachi tends to bring along with him an exorbitant amount of luggage for someone of his comparatively diminutive stature, all of it meticulously labeled and packaged in plastic bags.

I'm guessing it's going to be a clown-car job. It's been done before.

Ha ha... It has just occurred to me that there is a charming witticism waiting to be plucked from the depths of absurdity of the above concept: How many Akatsuki Group higher-ups can you fit into the back of an Aston Martin?

I'm sure there's a hilarious punch-line in there somewhere. I'll just have to bend my brain to it and think of one later.

LATER:

Suigetsu is here and we are discussing the rather hilarious e-mail we have just received from Hidan (along with the rest of the known micro-universe I inhabit, or so it seems):

----

From: Hidan (evenjashinhatescreed at akatsuki . org)  
To: "Nagato" (mayyouliveineternalpein at akatsuki . org)  
Cc: "Get Sharky" (Kisame at akatsuki . org), "Uchiha Itachi" (amaterasusharingan at akatsuki . org ), "Paper Pusher" (konanthebarbarian at akatsuki . org) ,"Zetsu" (favabeans at akatsuki . org), "Kakuzu" (somethingoffal at akatsuki . org),"Art is a BANG!" (blondebombshell at akatsuki . org), "Sasori" (theartistformerlyknownas at akatsuki . org), "Tobi" (goodboy at akatsuki . org), "Oro" (ribbedforyourpleasure at akatsuki . org), "Orochimaru"  
(oirokenojutsu at otogakure-enterprises . org ), "Uchiha Sasuke" (practicallyperfectineveryway at konoha-suna . org),  
"Uchiha Sasuke" (practicallyperfectineveryway at otogakure-enterprises . org), "Suigetsu" (waterboy at otogakure-enterprises . org),  
"Kaguya Kimimaro" (bonedaddy at gmail . com), "Yakushi Kabuto" (bespectacledwunderkind at otogakure-enterprises . org ),  
"Momochi Zabuza" (bigchopper at mikatsuhikata . tv ), "Haku" (snowballeffect at mikatsuhikata . tv).

Subject: Kakuzu.

Pein, seriously. Why did you team me up with that geriatric piece of shit? The next time he tries playing one of his lame-ass practical jokes on me, I'm gonna take his head in both my hands and fuck his eyeballs out.

I'm not kidding.

This is a heads-up.

Hidan.

----

Who knew Hidan was so foul-mouthed and uncouth? It seems that I had got him totally and utterly wrong. I voiced my thoughts to Suigetsu on this matter and he informed me that, according to the Sacred Law of Jashin, profanities are positively encouraged, not prohibited. As Suigetsu is given to making things up on a fairly regular basis to make himself sound clever, a cursory search on wikipedia proved that, "one may recognise a true devotee of the cult of Jashin by noting that they tend to swear like troopers." Interesting. Also interesting is that fact that Kakuzu seems to have received the e-mail in the mass carbon copy. Suigetsu and I are waiting patiently by my computer to see whether a flamewar will break out.

LATER:

Oh my lord, this is truly hilarious. Best laugh I have had in a long time. The boss has invited us into his office (read myself, Suigetsu and Kabuto) so that we may sit back, chortle with laughter and watch events unfold at casa Akatsuki.

Observe:

----

From: "Kakuzu" (somethingoffal at akatsuki . org)  
To: "Hidan" (evenjashinhatescreed at akatsuki . org)  
Cc: "everyone"  
Subject: Eyeball fucking.

Speaking of, O Great Cretin extraordinaire... I'm going to give you the biggest and most thorough of your life.

I advise you do not go to sleep tonight. In fact, just don't go to bed ever again, because I'm after your blood.

This is a heads-up.

Kakuzu.

----

From: "Art is a BANG!" (blondebombshell at akatsuki . org)  
To: "everyone, lol"  
Subject: breaks out the popcron

ROFL, HIDAN, YOU SILLY DICK!! XD

DONT GO TO BED!! KAKUZU IS UNDER THERE WITH A HAMMER WAAAH!!

----

From: "Orochimaru" (oirokenojutsu at otogakure-enterprises . org)  
To: "everyone"  
Subject: Re. Eyeball fucking

Sounds intriguing. Alas, I think I may have to give it a miss, as I value my eyesight.

Let me know how it goes, though. I am always open to persuasion.

Oro.

x

----

From: "Zetsu" (favabeans at akatsuki . org)  
To: "everyone"  
Subject: Re. Re. Eyeball fucking

I'll have those eyeballs after you're done. Vitreous humour is always lovely on toast.

Regards,

Zetsu.

----

From: "Tobi" (goodboy at akatsuki . org)  
To: "everyone"  
Subject: Re. Re. Eyeball Fucking

Retract your penii!!

Stay away from my eye, lol. I only have one left.

Happy Christmas!

-T.

----

From: "Nagato" (mayyouliveineternalpein at akatsuki . org)  
To: "Hidan" (evenjashinhatescreed at akatsuki . org)  
Cc: "everyone"  
Subject: Re. Kakuzu.

Hidan,

You may have heard of such a thing as "office politics". You were partnered with Kakuzu because you were the new boy at the time and the newest members of staff always get loaded with everyone else's shit. At the time, Kakuzu happened to be Akatsuki's only spare turd. Tough luck.

If said turd is bothering you, I advise you punch him in the crotch.

N.

P.S. Everyone, please stop spamming my inbox.

----

From: "Kakuzu" (somethingoffal at akatsuki . org)  
To: "Nagato" (mayyouliveineternalpein at akatsuki . org)  
Cc: "everyone"  
Subject: Re. Re. Kakuzu.

Nagato,

Are you calling me a turd?

Kakuzu.

P.S. Shut up, Oro.

----

From: "Hidan"  
To: "Nagato", "Kakuzu"  
Cc: "everyone"  
Subject: Re. Re. Re. Kakuzu.

Nagato,

I don't think that's very fair. I'm not the newest anymore. I want a transfer.

Hidan.

PS. Yes, he is calling you a turd, Kakuzu. Because you are a turd, and just a turd, a plebian turd, even though you may believe yourself to be King Shit.

----

From: "Orochimaru"  
To: "Kakuzu", "everyone"  
Subject: Re. Re. Re. Kakuzu

Kakuzu,

Make me.

Kind regards,

Oro.

----

From: "Nagato"  
To: "Hidan", "Kakuzu"  
Cc: "everyone"  
Subject: Re. Re. Re. Re. Kakuzu.

Hidan,

I am really getting tired of this, so I have two options for you. You either put up and shut up, get your head down, be professional and get on with the job I have asked you to do, or I shall fire your sorry arse for being a stupid, whinging gimp whose rock-hard stupidity has resulted in my inbox being repeatedly spammed for no good reason.

Kakuzu,

No. I was not calling you a turd. It was a metaphor, reflecting the tedious inevitability and general unfairness of office politics. With the way I am feeling about you at this precise moment, however, calling you a turd could easily be arranged.

Everyone else,

Merry Christmas (though I must reiterate: stop spamming my inbox).

Nagato.

----

Seriously. This has cheered me up no end! So much for the Akatsuki Group living up to the image of a group of elite professionals (an image upon which, I might add, they spend up to half of their yearly advertising budget trying to cultivate). I wonder what Itachi will think of this farce when he manages to log on to his inbox? He'll be positively livid! This fills me with festive glee. Is that uncharitable?

Speaking of... I'd better be going. It's almost two o'clock and I have to take the stairs to the top level of the car park, since the elevators are out of commission. I venture that I shall be at least a stone lighter by the time I get back.

Will write later!

December 16th

It is ten o'clock on December the 16th and I have had a lie-in for the first time in god knows how long. Itachi and Kisame are both here, safe and sound, eating Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. The boss is here too, munching his way through his customary fruit plate. They are getting on surprisingly well. This could be for one of two reasons: a) Itachi is still ignoring the boss and pretending he doesn't exist, or b) they are presenting a united front in the face of the irritatingly wholesome and chirpy Dan and his Christmas Brigade.

When I made to leave the office for the car park yesterday afternoon, grabbing my coat, coffee and car keys, the boss inquired as to where I was headed.

"Off to the airport to pick up Itachi and Kisame," I replied. "I told you about this several weeks ago."

The boss didn't reply, but looked thoughtful for a moment. Then a ghost of a smile flitted across his face as he stood up and announced, "I shall come with you, Sasuke-kun."

"W-What?" I stuttered, completely unprepared for such spontaneous thoughtlessness. "I mean, why?"

"Do I need a reason?" the boss replied smoothly, fixing me with a sidelong, mischievous look.

Then, the proverbial light dawned.

"You just want to wind up my brother, don't you?" I said stonily, placing my hands on my hips for emphasis.

"Perhaps," the boss replied, smiling wryly. "Though it is not just that, Sasuke-kun. He will have to get used to the fact that we are a couple, and what better way to show solidarity than to arrive at the airport together with the Rolls?"

He had me at that point, damn it. Not only did he hold the moral high ground (there's a phrase I never thought I'd use in conjunction with the boss) but offered the use of a driver and the Rolls, which, being copiously spacious, can easily accommodate excess luggage and the freakishly tall. My last resort was going to be the old "no room in the Aston Martin" excuse, but the boss had whipped the carpet out from under my feet.

"Fine," I sighed, accepting defeat. "But don't blame me if you end up in jail again."

And so it was that I showed up in grand fashion at international arrivals with the boss. Several people collecting luggage from a nearby conveyor belt felt it appropriate to stare, whisper and point. Someone even took a picture of us with their phone. The boss never feels self conscious when these sorts of things happen, because it happens to him all the time, but I do! Especially since the erstwhile private status of my secret relationship with the boss became very much public property at my farce of a trial thanks to Naruto.

This resulted in my trying to hide and look as inconspicuous as possible. Unfortunately, this is a very difficult thing to achieve when one is in the company of the boss, as he is probably the most conspicuous person I've ever met. Thus, when Itachi and Kisame showed up (at exactly 3:15), I sort of scuttled over towards them and whispered, "Hi."

All my scuttling amounted to naught, however, as the boss also spotted his two former colleagues and swept over with deliberate grace and extra flounce. Itachi clocked him immediately, and I noticed a small muscle at the side of his mouth tic.

"Sasuke," my older brother said gravely, inclining his head. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you, too, onii-chan!" I said weakly, as we performed our customary Excruciating Brotherly Hug (© Uchiha Itachi, Uchiha Sasuke, 1998-2007).

In turn, Kisame exchanged greetings with the boss, which included much in the way of jocular punches on the shoulder, followed by a much more exuberant and manly hug (I never knew the boss did manly hugs. I learned quite a few things, yesterday). Itachi, however, never said a word to the boss. In fact, I would go as far to say that he ignored him completely. Apart from that initial, little tic of the mouth at arrivals (which only I can spot, as I know my brother too well) he betrayed no signs of having acknowledged the boss's presence and seemed to be working very hard pretending he wasn't there, which is a really tough thing to do, as, I have already noted, the boss isn't the type to fade into the background.

It came as something of a surprise, then, that the ride back was surprisingly easy-going. This was mainly down to the boss and Kisame, who were chatting away quite genially and, to quote Kisame, "doing some serious catching-up" as they hadn't seen one another since my trial, and had not had the pleasure of a proper talk since Goldie's funeral all those months ago. When the boss told Kisame about Hidan's carbon copying mishap, Kisame's eyes lit up with evil glee and he whipped out his brand new Blackberry to check his e-mails. He scanned the contents of the now infamous series of Akatsuki Group correspondences and then proceeded to guffaw heartily.

"That idiot…" he choked, wiping a tear from his eye as Itachi frowned and deftly plucked the Blackberry from his unresisting hands. "I didn't think he actually believed me!"

In the background, Itachi's silent frown became increasingly pronounced as he perused the e-mails. In the foreground, however, the boss grinned a wolfish grin that foretold the arrival of interesting and potentially amusing gossip.

"Do tell, Kisame," the boss said slyly. "You know how Sasuke-kun and I like to be first in the loop."

It took a few seconds for Kisame to calm down enough to tell us, but when he did… well… I never knew anyone could be quite so gullible. Or just plain thick, to be honest.

A few months back, before Goldie died, Hidan had apparently wandered into Kisame's office upon a random, summer morning. Kisame, having inquired as to what Hidan wanted, was given the reply, "What's that "Cc" thing on the e-mails? You know, at the top next to "from", "to", and "send" and stuff. What's it for?"

Now Kisame, being a subtly cruel and bitchy sort, told Hidan a whopper as punishment for interrupting him while he was working, telling him that, "When you don't want anyone else to see your e-mail bar the person you are sending it to, you click the Cc button and then the contacts you want the e-mail kept secret from."

"Ah," Hidan then said, looking as though the proverbial light bulb had pinged. "I get you. The Cs stands for confidential, right?"

Kisame had replied, without a flicker of remorse, "Yes. You are a clever boy, aren't you?"

And then Hidan had left, and Kisame had forgotten all about his horrendous, spur-of-the-moment lie – until now, that is.

Needless to say, hilarity ensued. The boss cracked up, which caused me to crack up and we all ended rolling about laughing in the back of the Rolls. The only one not laughing was Itachi because, of course, he was "concerned about how such ignorant and slanderous remarks would affect the image of the company."

Itachi was duly advised to "lighten up" by both Kisame and the boss, which made Itachi scowl. He ended up sitting with his arms folded for the rest of the journey, not speaking to anyone. I did feel bad, and I wanted to go over and try to cheer him up, really I did, but the boss sort of slung his arm around me at that point and I was squished into a cuddle. So I didn't.

We all piled out when we arrived back at the car park and an underling arrived to transport Itachi's multiple cases full of god-knows-what to the compound. The underling was tactfully ignored, and the elevator ride and the following trudge to the boss's house passed without further incident. It was only when we drew closer to the compound that Itachi spoke up, his brow furrowed in puzzlement, interrupting Kisame who had been telling us an amusing story about Sasori and a lorry full of stolen bananas.

"Can any of you smell cinnamon?" he said.

A moment's silence followed while we engaged our olfactory organs.

"Yes," I replied, as my sensitive nasal passages had indeed detected the distinct, warm and spicy aroma of cinnamon.

The boss, however, having detected cinnamon in the air decided to skip the now rather obvious confirmation stage and had advanced to the next: suspicion and mild paranoia.

"Why does my house smell of cinnamon?" he said quietly, his eyes narrowing. "And what the _hell_ is that?" he added, pointing a finger at a first-floor window.

From a first floor window, a single, forlorn and gently flickering light-up santa dangled from a LED rope. I guess it was supposed to look like the santa was climbing up the rope to facilitate its entry into the house, thereby hastening the giving of presents. Kisame, however, voiced what we were all really thinking.

"That's the tackiest thing I've ever seen," he said with a sneer. "Oro, I'm surprised at you. What were you thinking?"

"Kisame, it is _nothing_ to do with me!" the boss snapped as he began to stride towards the front door, ready to unleash his own special brand of festive hell upon whichever unfortunate had had the audacity to purchase and hang the tacky santa. "And believe me, when I get my hands on— _Dan!_ Do not take another step! What is that… that _thing_?"

Having emerged from the front door carrying what appeared to be a light up reindeer, Dan smiled earnestly and replied, "It's the FL-39 outdoor illuminated climbing santa figurine. Isn't it festive?"

"That's not what I was thinking," Kisame said in an undertone, smirking. Itachi grimaced and said nothing.

"Take it down," the boss demanded. "It looks dreadful. You're making my house look like a prefab monstrosity from the suburbs!"

Then Naruto bounced out, full of Christmas cheer, with what looked like an as-yet-uninflated giant, inflatable snowman draped over his arms. The appearance of more articles of cheap tat and the prospect of said tat festooning his elegant home further agitated the boss. He sort of went off on one and demanded that the tacky santa be taken down and destroyed. He went on to add that there would be absolutely no outside decorations, save perhaps a tasteful wreath nailed to the door and, if they were lucky, a real tree. Then he finished his tirade by calling Naruto and Dan some nasty names which made Kisame snigger, before storming into the house and announcing to everyone that any future Christmas decoration projects had to be run past him first.

This has led to the boss earning himself the reputation of, and I quote Konohamaru, "The One Who is Intent to Shit Upon Christmas". This has divided everyone into two camps. First, the Christmas Brigade, led by Dan, who have an almost obsessive love for all things tacky, flashing, traditional and festive. This camp comprises of Dan, Naruto, Kiku, Konohamaru and Mrs Sarutobi. On the other more sensible side of the battlefield, represented by "The One Who is Intent to Shit Upon Christmas" is Itachi, Kisame, Tsunade, Kabuto and myself. There is a third "Not bothered" camp comprising of Jiraiya, Sarutobi and Sakura (but our intelligence tells us that Sakura secretly wants to be part of the "Christmas Brigade" as Kabuto saw her playing with – _and smiling at!_ -a singing Christmas tree earlier on when she thought no one was looking). The third camp is essential, as they will be the ones, doubtless, who will be snidely asked to "tell X to pass the gravy/potatoes/chipolatas" at Christmas dinner if the gathering intensity of this feud is anything to go by.

Itachi, Kisame and I have planned a trip to the mall this afternoon, in order to purchase gifts and assess the Snakey situation (I haven't told Itachi who it's for yet. I'm hoping our Anti-Christmas-Brigade cause will see him warm to the boss a little before I do.) I'm not so much looking forward to the mall trip, because, basically, it's out of one insane asylum and into another. Christmas shopping can be horribly competitive. But it can't be worse than listening to Tsunade and the boss bitching about Dan.

Can it?

LATER:

The trip to the mall was surprisingly productive. Itachi came armed with a list and single-mindedly went about his business, resulting in his acquiring every single damn gift on it, apart from the ones to be delivered to the boss's house that he has already ordered online. Kisame and I also made considerable dents in our lists, as my newly updated Official Gift List illustrates:

Sasuke's Official Gift List - Mark II  


Kabuto – a year's online subscription to the New Scientist

Tsunade – VIP membership to the Oto Super Casino

Jiraiya – online subscription to 'Gone Fistin'

Sarutobi – online subscription to 'Gone Fistin'

Dan – pair of beige dress chinos from L. L. Bean, 32" waist

The boss – Snakey, and lovingly made photo album.

----

Come to think of it, it's only the boss's presents and the online stuff I have to arrange now. I think I did rather well, considering half of the people I am buying for are idiot Christmas savants and I really don't feel like they deserve to benefit from my kindness at the moment.

Factions and uncharitable thoughts aside, we are back at the boss's house, sipping cautiously at mugs of mulled wine that Mrs Sarutobi bullied Dan into making with her and having a conference on the best way to acquire Snakey. Jiraiya has joined us, and because of that, Itachi is now aware who Snakey is for. On the upside, because my psychotically perfectionist brother cannot accept failure in any way, shape or form, he appears to have put aside his grudge with the boss in order to stick it to Hamleys. Big style.

Yes, Itachi and Kisame have encountered the smarmy store clerk, and yes, they both returned empty-handed to Costa coffee at the food court where I was waiting for them, my left leg jigging nervously. Kisame blew up and was calling the man for everything. Itachi, on the other hand, remained solemnly silent and never touched his skinny latte. This state of affairs continued for some five minutes or so before Itachi looked up suddenly and said in a monotone:

"I am going to get that snake for you Sasuke."

Then he got up and went to the john without another word. Kisame and I shot each other looks of trepidation. We both knew that tone. Itachi meant business. The nuclear holocaust would tear the world apart before Itachi would ever give up – and maybe not even then. I can just imagine it: two familiar and gently glowing individuals standing upon a barren wasteland, facing off, surrounded by twisted metal, empty concrete shells and cockroaches. Itachi and the smarmy Hamleys clerk – the last known survivors. And Snakey, still in the arms of the latter - the catalyst, the reason billions of innocent lives were lost.

And the way things are going, it will be bloody nuclear warfare before I ever get my hands on that snake. We have been sitting here for about an hour now and have come to the conclusion that the only way to get our hands on Snakey is to commit an act of larceny. The only problem? Who will carry out the theft? Kisame is up for it, but Itachi countered with logic, stating that since they were already running from the law in one country, things would become increasingly difficult if they were to be caught. For one thing, he said, it would have meant cutting Christmas short and they had already bought gifts for everyone.

"Then how about Sasuke?" Jiraiya offered.

"No," Itachi said calmly. "Once the snake is in our hands, Sasuke will be immediately under suspicion. Could you not do it, Jiraiya?"

Jiraiya looked uncomfortable for a moment and tugged at the collar of his shirt.

"Errr… well, you see," he muttered, "I would but I've sort of got a few convictions of my own. Indecent exposure, voyeurism, errr… being caught in an illegal brothel -that wasn't my fault - and one account of breaking and entering, but that was an accident. I was drunk and lost my keys and broke into the house three doors down."

It is official. Almost everyone I know is a dirty, filthy criminal.

"I suppose we're going to have to call someone, then," Kisame said thoughtfully. "Who, though? I would have phoned Hidan, but he's not talking to me right now. Not Deidara, either. He just sets fire to everything."

"There's always Zetsu," Itachi suggested. "Or Nagato."

A silence followed, during which everyone looked pensive. Then, slowly, a small smile began to lurk at the corners of my brother's mouth. He turned to face me directly. "Sasuke," he said, "I think it's time we gave Nagato a call. It _is_ possible to hire his services for a fee, so I shall see what I can do. I will be back momentarily."

Courtesy of my mentally-maladjusted brother, I have now hired the services of another grade A psychopath for a discounted fee to steal a plush snake from a toy shop in the local mall.

This is abnormal.

I want to join the Christmas Brigade…

* * *

Let it be known, and I shall officially put this on record, that I LOATHE the Nazi filter ff . net has regarding e-mail addresses. I want to smash it into tiny pieces until it is but a bloody stain upon this wretched earth.

Let it also be known that Rufus Wainwright has a godly voice and phenomenal talent. Oh yes.

Now on with the customary thank you notes to all my kick-ass reviewers:-)

**SasukexXxSakura** (Whee! Thank you. Glad you liked it. I wasn't too sure about that last one), **danni quinn** (I fear your insight sometimes. That's twice you've predicted some sort of plot twist. And no, it doesn't sound rude. I'd want to be, if it was me. Fear not, though, for although your STD test idea will be used at the end of the story (for a clue as to the outcome - think canon) you will be credited! As for Sasori... lol... let's just say he finally managed to escape from the attic and had to walk home to Akatsuki HQ. It took him a while), **fiore777** (No, I did not know that about Itachi's seiyuu. What a fantastic coincidence! XD I was only working along the lines of Uchihas cats. It would be nice if someone offered to illustrate some of the photos. If only I had drawing talent, dammit! One-shots would rock... yes. I think I might write one about what happened to Sasori after the Christmas party), **Anilmathiel Greenleaf** (Yes, things with Snakey are always unpredictable. And if you're caught up with the latest canon, adding Pein into the equation is going to make things even more so! I also secretly want a Snakey), **ArilianaFireQueen** (oh my god, if you do one thing before you shuffle off this mortal coil, watch Wayne's World I and II. Seriously. They're two of the funniest movies I've ever seen), **Niver** (I'm all for bullying people into reading stories I like, and I'm rather honoured that you would bully your friend into reading mine! For the record, though, I do not condone bullying ;-). Unless it's for a good cause...), **LenisVox** (Yay! Hello again. Nice to see another familiar face returning to review. I stopped writing for about two months, so you didn't miss much, lol. Think I'll join you in cuddling Snakey (I want one!), **Zinjah** (funniest review ever... seriously. XD You have to write that. I shall love you forever if you do!)

Thanks again, guys. I'm off to the uni library for the daily grind. See you all soon:-)


	25. Chapter 25

A Day in the Life

December 18th

As of this moment, I dearly wish for nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die. Cause of death?

Embarrassment.

I made a right, royal arse of myself last night while everyone was huddled together in the big comfy room with the TV, watching stereotypical Christmas movies the networks re-run every year without fail in "the spirit of Christmas" – whatever that is. No one had bothered to get dressed that morning, so everyone was in their PJs, lounging around on the squashy sofas or sitting on the fluffy carpet. Mrs Sarutobi had made another vat of mulled wine and Dan had made Christmas cookies (in reality, they were just normal cookies with added cinnamon and cut with a Christmas tree-shaped cutter, but they were nice). The Wizard of Oz was on, and I was curled up next to the boss on one of the sofas. He had his arm around me and I felt all warm and nice, because Itachi had managed to get the log fire going earlier on (his dogged determination at rubbing two sticks together paid off – he received great cheers from everyone assembled) and also because I had my little, plush Montague jammed under my right armpit.

It was the perfect scene of Christmas tranquillity: mulled wine, comfort food, classic movies on the box and, most of all, no arguing. I felt more relaxed than I have felt in quite a long time, so it was no surprise then, that I felt myself nodding off just as the Scarecrow was being torn apart by rabid, flying monkeys.

An indeterminate amount of time later, I was shaken awake and confronted with the rather alarming vision of Jiraiya's nostrils. Irritated, for some reason I could not yet divine, I swatted his hand away and told him, in no uncertain terms, to bugger off.

"What was that for?" I grumbled, yawning and rubbing my eyes.

It was only when my bleary vision cleared, could I perceive that something was amiss. Jiraiya had moved away to sit next to Kiku again, and I could see that he was grinning a grin not unlike the one that tends to appear on his face when someone says something smutty. Kiku had her hand over her mouth, looking at me, as though she was trying really rather hard not to laugh. Bemused, I took in the expressions of the other occupants of the room. Itachi's stood out, mainly because he was looking at me as though I had offended him irretrievably. Perhaps I had accidentally let one rip in his presence while I was asleep? It's happened before, though that was mostly when we shared a room when we were kids.

"Itachi, what—?" I began, before my brother stood up abruptly, snorted with derision and stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

"What's up with him?" I muttered, scowling as I turned to the boss for an explanation.

If before I only had an inkling of strange goings-on, it was then that I_knew_ something was wasn't quite right. The boss was looking down at me with this strange, fixed grin on his face that mingled several states of mind: namely smugness and amusement with a side order of shock.

"Okay," I said slowly, while my mind began to process the fact that I had obviously missed something, "could someone please tell me what is going on?"

There was a moment's silence during which everyone looked at one another awkwardly. No one seemed to want to tell me what was going on. Well, you know how I feel about people not telling me things...

"Look," I said angrily, "would someone please just tell me what I did so that I can apologise to my brother? If I passed wind or something, then I'm sorry, but we've already had a talk about that. I can't help what happens when I'm asleep!"

Naruto, who had been threatening to erupt trying to hold in an overwhelming torrent of giggles, could resist no longer. In between his hysterical laughter and gasps for air, I could just about make out what he was saying. And it was not to my liking.

"Y-You were..." he chortled, tears streaming down his cheeks, "... you were having a- a sexy dream!"

Smirks and little, repressed titters rippled around the room as my face burned bright red. Even Mrs Sarutobi was laughing – and she's a wholesome, outdoorsy type! The truth gradually began to dawn. From Itachi's reaction and the boss's strange smile, I knew then that I had been talking in my sleep. I also had a shrewd idea as to the subject of my apparent soliloquy. However, I did not know the severity of my offence and hence how much grovelling I would have to do to get my brother to fall in with me. Therefore, I stood up, grabbed Naruto by the collar of his cow pyjamas and marched out of the room, dragging him along behind. I slammed the door shut, deposited him on the ground and demanded to know what I had said, telling him to spare no gory detail – all the while trying to ignore the sounds of hysterical laughter drifting through from the TV room.

"It wasn't that bad, Sasuke. No, really," Naruto said, trying to reassure me as I raised an eyebrow at him. "You were just sort of laughing at first, and we all thought it was pretty funny. Tsunade said we should bet on what you were dreaming about, but then you started laughing in a dirty way, and you were like, "Yeah... oh yeah, that's nice." Then you started making moaning noises. Your bro wasn't too happy about that. He wanted someone to wake you up, so Jiraiya went over to you, and... and then..."

Naruto trailed off into a fit of giggles at that point, but I punched him in the arm and gave him such a stern look that he managed to fight them back.

"And then what happened?" I asked tersely, trying to resist the urge to storm back into the TV room and throttle the bunch of giggling idiots I had been forced to share a house with.

"Then you... you... moaned real loud and said, "Ohhhhhhh, Orochimaru-sama!"

I felt the palm of my hand connect forcibly with my forehead and slide down the length of my face.

"Naruto," I began in a monotone, "I thought you said it wasn't that bad."

"It wasn't!" he countered indignantly. "You didn't say anything dirty!"

I sighed. "Naruto, I didn't _have_ to say anything dirty. Do you remember that time I told you about inferring from context? I am dirty by deduction."

Naruto looked thoughtful for a moment, before replying, "But it's not as though you actually had sex with him on the sofa, was it? It was just a dream. Everyone else thought it was funny."

"Well, for some people, even dreaming about sex is enough to be considered an offence," I said grimly, running a hand through my hair. "Particularly when it involves a certain someone..."

I knew then that despite Naruto's assertion to the contrary, my situation was, in fact, Bad. I also knew that I would have to at least make an _attempt_ to apologise to Itachi as soon as possible, because if I did not, he would doubtless have interpreted that as a sign that I am an unrepentant sleep-sinner. If I had misguidedly decided to let him cool off for a couple of hours, then instead of the few days I am expecting now, it will take several weeks longer than usual to convince him to speak with me again (and would have possibly left me signing a familial divorce form).

Thus, I sighed – a ponderous, heavy affair – thanked Naruto, and set off at a jogging pace up the stairs and along the long, east wing corridor towards Itachi's room. Eventually, I found myself outside, gritted my teeth, and steeled myself for an insincere grovelling session.

Gently, I knocked on the door.

"Itachi?" I said, carefully ensuring that my tone was on the right side of contrition. "Itachi, I'm really sorry about earlier. Can I come in?"

There was no answer. I wasn't really expecting one, but I tried the doorknob. It rattled impotently as I discovered resistance. Disbelief washed over me. Had my own brother locked me out?

"Itachi?" I called out, trying again. "Are you in there?"

Not a sound.

As I stood there for a few minutes with my ear pressed tightly to the door, trying to detect anything that indicated the presence of a disgruntled Itachi within, the feeling of general disbelief gave way to a more specific disbelief, an angrier, indignant sort of disbelief that triggered the realisation that, hell, why should I be the one apologising? It really wasn't my fault. I mean, he _knows_ that the boss and I are an item, so if he is anything like the big brother I have come to loathe and mistrust, he should have been mentally prepared for it happening! He plans for every other eventuality, after all. I have read his notebooks! And, for god's sake, is it not Christmas, the season of good will where one is supposed to forgive and forget?

Hence the edge that began to creep into my voice...

"Itachi," I began, hearing my forehead thunk against the beautiful mahogany door in exasperation, "seriously, I don't know what more I can say to you. I was asleep for Christ's sake. If you're going to give me the silent treatment for something that, frankly, I had no control over, then fine. Go ahead. I just want to let you know that you are a repressed freak and that if you want to lock yourself away in there for the next week or so, I won't be complaining. At least then I'll be able to have _real_ rampant, hot, dirty sex without worrying whether you're going barge in."

And with that last cutting remark, I snorted with derision, spun on my heel and stomped off down to the kitchen with intent to make myself a cappuccino and de-stress. Unfortunately, about half the population of the sniggering household had gathered there, and my arrival into their vacuous midst set off a torrent of laughter.

After launching a scathing verbal attack which failed miserably because everyone was laughing too hard to be in any way affected by it, I grabbed my car keys and stormed out of the kitchen, heading for the front door. When I got there, however, I noticed a huge pile of envelopes addressed to different people. One particular, silvery envelope bore my name and the boss's address. I immediately recognised Deidara's atrocious scrawl.

Despite my foul mood, a small smile tugged at the corners of my mouth, and I picked up the envelope and opened it. A million of those extremely irritating plastic gold stars that one buys from craft stores exploded all over the floor and my smile disappeared. Sighing, I extracted the card from its paper casing. My smile returned. The card was a very accomplished hand-drawn affair: an arctic scene of a polar bear wearing a Christmas hat mauling a seal which was also wearing a festive Christmas hat. I always forget that Deidara has a degree in fine art and that he's actually an incredible artist. It must have taken him ages. If you'd seen the front of the card, you would have been forgiven for thinking it was a photograph (although one admittedly bizarre). I opened up the card to be greeted with the following message:

"To Sasuke,

You are sexy, but Oro really likes you apparently, so I can't give you a Christmas hug this year. I'm not sad though because Sasori and I are going to visit his relatives for the holidays!! Granny Chiyo likes to drink, apparently, so guess what we're going to be doing, lol, though Sasori says Gaara's on the wagon now because of his depression medication and that we have to not drink in front of him. Fuck that, lol!!

Say hi to Itachi and Kisame for me! And tell Kabuto I asked after him.

Secret Christmas love and hugs,

Dei."

There were quite a few other silvery envelopes from Deidara, amongst all the others blocking the main exit to the house and presenting a fire-hazard, so I scooped up a good armful of them and dumped them on the side board. If any of the other cretins wanted them, I reasoned, they could come looking themselves. It was then that I noticed a strange package that had previously been obscured by the mound of envelopes – strange in that it simply said, "Orochimaru-sama". No address. Just, "Orochimaru-sama," in a neat, round hand. Immediately, the jealousy sirens went off in my head, and I bent down to take a closer look at the parcel to see whether there were any postmarks. There were none. It was evident, then, that this thing had been hand-delivered, as no postman worth his lazy salt would permit such an article to be delivered, despite the fact that everyone who hasn't been hiding under a rock for the past ten years knows where the boss lives.

Instantly, my mind began to race through all the people I knew who would call the boss "Orochimaru-sama." There were too many to contemplate, so I reduced my search criterion to people I knew the boss knew by name and face. The only ones who hadn't left for Christmas were Kabuto and Juugo, but it couldn't have been Kabuto, because the hand that had written the message was definitely not his, and it couldn't be Juugo because he never ventures outside his apartment unless he can help it.

I needed more time, I realised. I had to squirrel this thing away and find out who the hell was sending the boss secret Christmas packages. Of course, once I did know, I had every intention of letting it reach him, so it wasn't like I was intending to be dishonest. My nefarious plans, however, were rendered unnecessary as I heard a familiar voice say, directly over my shoulder, "Ahh... Kimimaro."

My head whipped round and I found Kabuto standing there, shaking his head in a mixture of amusement and sadness. Having spotted my perplexed expression, he added,

"That's Kimimaro's handwriting."

Then, picking up the package and examining it just as I had done, he said with a wry smile, "And it looks as though he's dropped it off himself. Interesting..."

"Interesting?" I said sharply, my threat-alert sensors suddenly on overdrive owing to the now not-so-distant, looming menace of the boss's favourite ex. "What's interesting about it?"

"Well, it seems to be composed of quite a lot of paper," Kabuto said, giving the package a shake before handing it to me. "Here, feel it."

I did. It was quite bendy, and felt exactly like one of those two-hundred sheet reams of printer paper you can buy at stationery shops. My brow rumpled in puzzlement, and I looked at Kabuto. He shrugged, clueless as I was.

"The only way you're going to find out what it is, Sasuke-kun, is by giving it to Orochimaru-sama," he said sensibly, reading the thoughts which were all too apparent on my face. "Once he opens it, it's fair game."

"What if he hides it away somewhere?" I asked, feeling slightly ill.

"Then you innocently ask him what was in the mystery parcel you discovered at the door the other day. Either that or let him know that you are perfectly aware it's from Kimimaro and have it out with him," Kabuto replied calmly, deftly extricating the offending object from my unwilling hands and holding a finger to his lips, silencing me, before I had time to protest. "Now, I am going to take this to Orochimaru-sama along with the rest of the cards. It's up to you what you decide to do."

That was about three hours ago. I left Kabuto, intent on taking my drive about town, but ended up walking around the perimeter of the house, checking to see if a certain someone was still hanging about. Yes, I know. It was pathetic. It's not like I'm proud of having done it.

Since Kimimaro appeared to have vanished without a trace, having returned, no doubt, to the dark, damp, hell-hole from which he was unnaturally spawned, I trudged back round to the front doors just in time to be treated to the spectacle of Tsunade yelling her lungs out at Dan on the steps, complete with choice insulting curses which were punctuated and emphasised by frantic, flailing gesticulations. I performed a swift about-turn and skulked off before either of them could catch my eye, fearing that I would be dragged into yet another conflict that was nothing to do with me in the first place.

I finally managed to get back inside via one of the doors round the back that the house staff use, and I headed straight up to the boss's study because I was feeling in need of a little TLC. Imagine my surprise when I opened the door to find him curled up on the brown leather sofa, seemingly immersed in reading what appeared to be a rather long, hand-written document comprised of a stack of single, loose-leafed paper. My fists curled as I spotted a pile of familiar-looking wrapping paper sitting at the foot of the coffee table.

Kimimaro's parcel.

The boss didn't even afford me the courtesy of looking up when I entered, but waved a hand in an idle and dismissive manner and said, "A minute, Sasuke-kun, if you would be so kind..."

Oh, I gave him a minute, all right.

Summoning up all my strength, I smiled a nasty smile, turned on my heel and stalked out of his study, slamming the door as hard as I physically could so that the whole thing rattled on its hinges. It felt good. And the aforementioned tactical slam will alert the boss to the fact that I am not happy with a certain aspect of his behaviour, and that if he wishes to resolve matters, he will have to come to me. And possibly grovel.

This has not yet happened, however, and I'm getting worried. Surely he's not still holed up in his study reading his little, Christmas letter from the Thing? I'm in Kabuto's room right now, typing this up, with Naruto and Konohamaru. They're having a Tekken tournament. I have decided to sit it out, due to stress and anxiety. I cannot concentrate on beating up pixellated people while under emotional duress. Kabuto is telling me not to worry, that the boss is mad about me and will on no account leave me for Kimimaro, but I don't know...

I don't know what to think. I can't, until I find out what's in that letter. Naruto says it's probably just one of those Christmas newsletters people send out, letting friends and family know what they've been doing all year.

I'm finding myself really hoping that's true...

LATER:

Okay...

I'm going to have to make this quick because I'm finding it quite hard to type while crying.

The boss never came to find me, so I decided in a fit of jealous spite to stay the night in Kabuto's room with Naruto and Konohamaru. Everyone else ended up falling asleep round about four in the morning, but I couldn't, because I was still thinking about Kimimaro. At about half-past four, I decided that I could no longer take it, and resolved to do something about my situation.

Clothed only in my trusty black boxers and my grey, Superdry hoodie, I crept upstairs and along the silent corridor to the boss's study and let myself in. When I turned on the light, I clocked the insomnia-inducing letter immediately, as the boss had left it on the coffee-table at the place where he had stopped.

It was now or never, I thought, and my curiosity got the better of me. I marked the boss's place, rearranged the leaflets, sat down, and began to read.

The letter was really long (seventy-three pages long, to be exact) and Naruto ended up being half right. The bulk of the letter recounted Kimimaro's exploits while travelling round the continent, describing the beautiful view atop Hokage mountain at sunrise, the food market in Sunagakure, the rowdy bar he almost got killed at in Mizugakure, the mad old lady he ended up keeping house for in Iwagakure for three weeks because he couldn't find paid work anywhere else, and how he was looking forward to Suigetsu tagging along for a fortnight.

Little things like that.

Unfortunately, those little things were also liberally suffixed with choice phrases along the lines of, and I quote some here: "I wish you could have been there with me, Orochimaru-sama", "when I stood there at the top of the mountain, I remembered being there with you, and I realised how much I miss you", "I love everything about being here on the road, having nothing to worry about but where my next meal will come from, or where I will sleep at night. Complete contentment is out of the question, however, for no matter how many beautiful places I visit, my thoughts inevitably turn to you, Orochimaru-sama."

All the while I was reading the letter, my hands were shaking, and my stomach was churning and tying itself in knots, giving me some serious grief; but when I reached a particular passage, I had to put the thing down, otherwise I might have screamed hysterically, torn the thing up and ran downstairs to the bedroom to cram the tainted shreds of the evidence of betrayal down the boss's throat for him to choke on.

It turned out that the boss has been corresponding with Kimimaro behind my back!

Reference to MSN conversations, to chats on the phone, texts and e-mails littered Kimimaro's letter, and my mind raced back to several suspicious incidents that now, with the benefit of hindsight, were thrown into sharp relief. Like the time when I walked in on the boss typing away on his laptop, only to have him snap it closed when I tapped him on the shoulder; when I went round to his house once and he "wasn't available"; him kicking me out of bed for making fun of Kimimaro; him telling me that Kimimaro was the one who ended the relationship – not the other way around...

Suddenly, I began to see everything the boss had ever said to me in a different light. A nasty thought wormed its way into my mind which left me cold: that the boss wasn't really interested in me at all. Like Kabuto, I was just a convenient back-up in close proximity – handy, because the one he really liked was god knows where on the continent and not readily available for sex.

I felt sick, and I had to get away, I had to be alone to think. I'm in the kitchen right now, and my sides are all sore from trying to cry quietly. It's harder than you'd think. Right now, I'm not sure what I'm going to do...

December 19th

This holiday will, quite possibly, go down as the worst Christmas known to man. Everyone has fallen out, and no one seems to be on speaking terms anymore. The boss has run off, Dan has left Tsunade, Tsunade is hysterical, having alienated herself from her only friend left by slapping his girlfriend, Naruto and Konohamaru managed to get into a fist-fight over Tekken, and Itachi and Kisame are not talking anymore because of Kimimaro. The only ones who haven't got involved are Mr and Mrs Sarutobi. In fact, they are, at this very moment, sitting in front of the telly doing the crossword together. I would kill for that sort of domestic tranquillity.

I suppose I should explain...

It all started at around six this morning. I had fallen asleep at the kitchen table, having cried myself out, only to be roused by a strange rumbling noise. Blearily, I raised my head and rubbed my eyes only to see Dan wheeling two suitcases past the kitchen door. Puzzled and sensing something was amiss, I got up and followed him down the hallway.

"Dan," I croaked, "it's six in the morning. Where on earth are you going?"

It was then that I noticed that his eyes were red-rimmed and glassy – a familiar look, seeing as I had just spent the past few hours weeping copious amounts of salty tears into an intricately patterned tablecloth. It appeared that I wasn't the only one who had had a rough night.

"Dan?" I began tentatively, as he stopped to wipe his eyes and sniff. "Are you okay?"

He sighed a long, shuddering sigh, before replying, with a brittle smile that seemed all too in danger of cracking, "Tsunade and I have decided to call it a day, Sasuke. It's just too much. We're always arguing... and I'm finding it hard at the moment, so..."

"You're leaving," I said flatly, finishing his sentence for him. "But why? There are only four days until Christmas. Can't you stick it out until then?"

Dan sighed again and ran a hand through his hair. "In all honesty, Sasuke, I don't know," he answered. "I think I need to get away for a few days. Clear my head, you know—?"

We both looked round at the sound of a rapid _thump thump thump thump_ as a pair of bare feet approached, running down the carpeted corridor—

—and a heartbeat later, Tsunade was there, puffing and panting and clinging to the wall. Her hair looked wild and her face was flushed with exertion. Another, more measured set of steps shuffling across the carpet saw the boss appear, looking irritated and very tired.

"Really, Tsunade," he muttered darkly, "I do not see why you had to drag me out of bed for this. If Dan is intent upon leaving, then I do not see what I will be able to do to convince him otherwise..."

"Dan," Tsunade croaked, ignoring the boss completely, her eyes, for that moment, fixed upon Dan, "please... please don't go. I'll make it up to you, I promise. I'll be a better person. Oro, tell him!"

The boss rolled his eyes and said, with as much sincerity as he could muster at six in the morning, "Dan, I am afraid to say that she really does mean it, otherwise I would not have been kept awake the whole night with her sobbing over you, telling me, at length, about how wonderful you are, and how she is scared to lose you, et cetera, et cetera..."

Dan shook his head sadly and turned away. "I'm sorry, Tsunade," he said quietly. "I really am. But I just can't do this right now."

"Dan!" Tsunade shouted, her hands flying to her mouth, choking back a sob. "Dan! Dan, no... please..."

As Dan disappeared through the front door, his cases trundling along behind him, Tsunade let out a little whimper and collapsed into a weeping puddle of misery. The boss stood there for a moment, looking lost, before he decided that he should perhaps try to comfort his best friend. He knelt down and, looping Tsunade's arm over his shoulder, he lifted her up and dragged her towards the kitchen.

"Sasuke-kun," he called out over his shoulder, "make yourself useful and wake Jiraiya, would you?"

At that point, something inside me snapped. The boss's bored, dismissive tone brought all the black visions of the night before to the forefront of my mind, and I found myself thinking,

_Is that all I am to you?_

I felt tears leaking out again, and this time, it was simply too much effort to hold them back.

"Wake him yourself," I said, my voice thick and wavering with emotion, as I turned to fix the boss with the coldest look I could muster.

The boss looked genuinely bewildered at this point, and that only made me angrier. Obviously he hadn't had a clue that I had been up all night crying over him.

"Sasuke-kun, what on earth—?" he began irritatedly, before every poisonous thought that had been eating away at me since the night before poured out of me all at once as I struck back at the boss with vicious precision.

"Wake him yourself, you lying, deceitful, cheating _prick_," I said icily, trying to keep my voice from trembling. I paused to take a deep, shuddering breath, before adding, "After the holidays, I want a transfer to another branch because I never, ever want to see you again."

With that, I turned and walked out of the kitchen, my heart racing, waiting for the inevitable sound of the boss's footsteps following after me. The boss did not disappoint, though I had reached the main hall with the stairwell before he managed to catch up with me. He grabbed me forcefully by the shoulder and whirled me around.

"What on earth has gotten into you, Sasuke-kun?" he hissed, his eyes flashing dangerously as I swatted his hand away.

There was no point in beating about the bush, I thought then. I was as well coming right out with it, as not. So it was that I squared my shoulders, looked the boss straight in the eye and said, in a surprisingly emotionless monotone,

"I know about Kimimaro. I know about the letter he sent you. I know that he is still madly in love with you – why, though, I don't know, with the way you treat people. I also know that you have been in continued, regular contact with him for god knows how long and have conveniently neglected to mention it."

The boss lowered his gaze and silence fell. For a few seconds, neither of us said anything. Then, I voiced the thought that had been torturing me the most...

"And I also know that you're still totally hung up on him, and that you consider me merely a convenient and sexy, little pastime to play around with until your precious Kimimaro arrives back on the scene."

The boss spoke up after a prolonged moment, strangely quiet.

"No, Sasuke-kun," he said. "I have said it before and I will say it again: I do not consider you as something that can be lightly cast aside. Dare I say, I may even have made an emotional investment in you, one that I would be fain to lose."

"Liar!" I spat, brandishing a finger at him and bristling at his false professions of emotion. "You don't love anyone but yourself! God, if only that Kimimaro had had the guts to actually come in I'd've slapped him across the face and asked him what the hell he's thinking! The only good thing about you is the fact that you're filthy rich, but here – newsflash, Orochimaru-sama! – that's not good enough! You're a vain, selfish, spoiled brat and you treat people like shit – trampling all over them because you can, and because that's what you've always done, and because that's just the way you are. Well, if you think you're going to trample all over me and that I'm going to back down, you can think again! You're a liar, and, congratulations, you've made a complete fool out of me! I can't believe I had a sexy dream about you! You make me sick, Orochimaru-sama, and I never, ever want to see you again as long as I live!"

I think, in hindsight, I may have over-egged the pudding. Towards the end, I was ranting and raving a little and ended up losing control. By the time I had finished venting my spleen, I must have looked like I'd run a marathon. The boss looked... well, he looked a shade shell-shocked, to tell you the truth. I don't think anyone had ever shouted at him like that before. For a few minutes, he simply stood there on the hall floor, looking at me funny, before he turned and walked out. No shouting match, no vicious retort, no nothing. He just walked out, leaving me there alone in the hall.

I must say that I was a little shocked too. For several minutes, I stood, swaying slightly from side to side, stunned at the vitriol that came out of my mouth. Then...

"Sasuke? Are you okay?" I heard a familiar voice floating down from the first floor balcony. "I heard voices..."

It was Sakura, and, for some reason, her presence seemed to break some sort of spell that had been holding me together, and I sunk to the floor and succumbed to a small freak-out, cradling my head in my hands. In a heartbeat, Sakura was with me and helping me into the kitchen. If I wasn't so upset, I daresay it would have been a rather amusing sight: Tsunade and I sitting at the kitchen table, weepy and shaken, having just severed ties with our significant others within a five-minute interval, Sakura working like mad to fix us soothing cups of tea.

It didn't take long for the others to filter down into the kitchen. Upon asking us what was wrong, Tsunade and I unfolded our sordid tales to each respective inquirer. When it came to Itachi and Kisame, I must confess I hesitated, but my beloved big brother, to his credit, restrained himself from saying, "I told you so," but instead began to list the many faults of my rival, most salient among them the fact that Kimimaro was, according to him, "a dyed-in-the-wool, bone-idle failure" for quitting his job in order to "broaden his spiritual horizons". I was grateful to Itachi for being a charitably bitchy, but Kisame took it in a completely different light. Kimimaro, apparently, is his first cousin once-removed or something silly like that, and he took offence to Itachi's calling him a "failure". Itachi then observed his colleague and reiterated his opinion, in that admittedly infuriating monotone of his, "but he _is_ a failure, Kisame. Would I say so if it were otherwise?"

While Itachi and Kisame stared each other down, I sat there with my head in my hands, feeling like the biggest catalyst. Was I forever condemned to cause people to fall out? It wasn't long before I heard the rude squawk of a chair being pushed back, and my fears were confirmed. Kisame stood up and walked out of the kitchen, not looking back.

"Itachi..." I murmured, "I'm really sorry. I must be cursed or something."

"It is not your fault, Sasuke," he replied calmly. "I was only speaking the truth. I cannot help it if Kisame is unable to accept that."

He was a little less calm when he discovered what Kisame had done by way of revenge.

I wasn't around when it happened, because I had excused myself in order to curl up in a corner in Naruto's bedroom and snivel, but I ended up wandering down to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Itachi was there, sitting grimly at the table, his fingers clutching, white-knuckled, at a cup of tea. Naruto was there too, looking grumpy, with a blue band-aid plastered onto his forehead. Once again, Sakura was the one sorting everyone out.

"What's wrong—?" I began, before Sakura put a finger to her lips.

Silenced, I followed her beckoning finger and she led me out into the hallway, closing the door behind her.

"What's wrong with Itachi?" I whispered, feeling strangely concerned for my brother's welfare all of a sudden.

Apparently, after Itachi had branded Kimimaro a "bone-idle failure", thus subtly asserting his Uchiha superiority and indicting Kisame's familial network, Kisame decided to take revenge by breaking into my brother's stash of bath bombs and shower gels, filling the sink up in the en-suite to capacity, and tipping everything in it at once. My brother was not best pleased when he found out, and I am told that he actually tried to attack Kisame and had to be restrained.

"Ah," I said sagely, thinking of the wound on Naruto's head. "So Naruto jumped in to stop him then?"

"Well... no," Sakura said awkwardly, before launching into the terrible tale of how Naruto received his injury.

It appears that Naruto and Konohamaru were engaged in a fiercely competitive series of Tekken matches. Konohamaru, having won with twenty-three perfects in a row via the repeated and sole use of "Yoshimitsu's door-knocker punch", was accused by Naruto of button mashing and cheating. Konohamaru vociferously denied this accusation, and things became heated. Konohamaru, it is alleged, threw the wireless controller at Naruto's head and Naruto went for him. Injuries were sustained by both parties, and they had been separated by Jiraiya just after he had dealt with Itachi and Kisame and had calmed Kiku down.

Kiku. Oh dear god, I thought, not another fall-out.

I felt a migraine coming on right there and then, and I knew that just a glass of water wasn't going to cut it. Wearily, fearing her answer, I asked Sakura what happened, and she informed me that Kiku had misguidedly expressed her opinion to Tsunade regarding her treatment of Dan, telling her that she never took his side, always snapped at him and brought him down. Unsurprisingly, Tsunade did not take kindly to such assertions and called Kiku a variety of nasty names. This, in turn, lead to Kiku calling her, and I quote, "a fat, nasty, old bitch," which caused Tsunade to draw back her hand and slap Kiku across the face. Naturally, Jiraiya took his girlfriend's side and now, Sakura tells me, Tsunade is up in her room crying hysterically because she doesn't have a friend left in the world.

When Sakura had finished, she sighed deeply and ran a hand through her hair.

"It's madness, Sasuke, it really is," she said, shaking her head and smiling a sad smile. Then she looked up at me and said, "How are you coping?"

I don't know what it was, but seeing Sakura run off her feet like that, yet still managing to smile and care about what everyone else was going through... well... it made me feel a little guilty. It was why I suggested, with a little muted twinkle in my eye, that we get washed and dressed and meet at the front door for a nice, long walk to get away from the mad house. Sakura has gratefully agreed, and we're planning on escaping just before dinner.

I must say I'm looking forward to it. I can't take being cooped up in there any longer, and I don't want to be alone, because then I'll start thinking about the boss, and that way madness lies...

December 20th

I did a bad thing last night, and I don't really want to go into too much detail except to say that it has been resolved and that everything is as it was before it happened.

All I will say is that when I was out walking with Sakura last night, I was feeling very tired, very worried and very emotional, and Sakura was operating on a similar plane. One thing led to another and... well... we ended up kissing for a few minutes on a bench.

Nothing else happened, but we talked it over and decided that we would forget that it had ever happened. On my part it was because my wounds are still raw regarding my messy situation with the boss, and because I knew that Naruto was still carrying a torch for Sakura, even after all the knock-backs, and that I would never do that to him. On Sakura's part, it was because she knew that I still had feelings for the boss (despite my assertions to the contrary), but also because she said that she had begun to have feelings for Naruto after I left Konoha-Suna to come and work here, and that she wanted time to sort everything out in her head before doing anything about it.

I was quite surprised at this (and happy for Naruto) and I said so. Sakura pleaded with me not to tell, though. I promised I wouldn't, and she smiled, took my arm and we both walked back to the house, friends again and friends only.

Right now, I'm sitting here in the bedroom typing this entry up, with my i-phone in hand, waiting for a call from the boss. Everyone else has since fallen in (Kisame having replaced Itachi's bath products by venturing out to the Lush store in the Oto Mall) and they are all in the TV room, playing charades.

Everyone except the boss, that is, because he didn't come back last night.

I haven't slept properly for forty-eight hours and I despite the fact that I told him, in no uncertain terms, that I never wanted to see him again... I'm worried.

I know, I know... but I can't help it if I'm not like the boss! I care about people, you see. Even him, the cheating, lying scumbag that he is.

I want him to phone so I can scream at him until my throat gives out for making me feel like this. I want him to show up on the doorstep so I can beat the living shit out of him until I feel better, until I feel normal again. I want to tell him that I kissed Sakura – not because I have any intention of following up on it, but because I know for certain that it will hurt him.

This wasn't supposed to happen...

I wasn't supposed to be silly over anyone – I swore that to myself after we had that argument at the hotel about... god it was about Itachi and fucking Christmas!! Seriously, this holiday has been causing me no end of deep-seated emotional grief, and has been since the end of November!

It is official. I hate Christmas. I hate The-Skanky-Ex-From-Hell-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named for fucking up my Christmas. And I hate the boss for letting him fuck up my Christmas.

But do you know what's worse? I've just realised that I actually love him – which is beyond terrible. So terrible that terrible has punched out through the other side of terrible, encountering some sort of terrible trans-dimensional mishap and is now meeting its terrible self coming backwards.

Like I said... it's just wrong.

And I hate him for that, too.

December 21st

Still no word from the boss. Still can't function properly, either. I'm finding this break-up a little harder to bear than I thought. I haven't been eating properly, Mrs Sarutobi said, so she brought me up a plate of minestrone soup she made herself (she doesn't like having servants do things for her). I had a few mouthfuls, but even though it was rather tasty, I didn't really feel like eating. The plate is lying on the floor by the side of the bed and the soup has gone cold.

Itachi came in to try and talk to me, saying that if I was really that upset, he could arrange a position for me at Akatsuki. I muttered some non-committal sounds at him until he gave up and left. Naruto was more of a help. He just lay there next to me on the bed, staring at the ceiling, and talked nonsense for hours. I have come to the conclusion that when it comes to the real stuff, Naruto may know me better than my own brother. That was rather disconcerting at first, but when I thought about it, it didn't surprise me. I guess I'm just lucky to have such a good friend.

Jiraiya came in at one point, saying that both he and Tsunade had tried to call the boss, but that he hadn't answered, asking me if I had had any luck. I replied, in a monotone, that I hadn't tried to call him yet, and Jiraiya sort of went, "Oh. Right. Sorry, Sasuke. I'll leave you to it," and backed out of the room.

I still haven't tried to call him.

I don't even know what I'd say if he answered, to be honest...

December 22nd

Dan came back this morning. Kiku spotted his Lexis pulling up outside the compound and she ran upstairs to Tsunade's room to tell her. An emotional reunion followed, I am told, involving much snivelling, apologies and protestations of undying love. I don't know the details, because I missed it. Having been emotionally ham-strung by the boss is making journeys other than going to the toilet something of a chore, and I have to get all my information from the other members of the household when they make their charitable visits.

When Jiraiya came in, he said he was never really worried about them because they were always breaking up and making up. "They were like that all through university," he chuckled, shaking his head in amusement. "Always making me or Oro play the go-between. I guess old habits are hard to kick, eh?"

I remembered the boss's sleepily irritated expression at having been dragged out of bed at stupid a.m. and I managed a bitter smile. "Yes," I replied, "he wasn't too happy at Tsunade forcing him up at six in the morning to talk to Dan."

"She did that?" Jiraiya said, laughing. "Man, I'm surprised she didn't come in to get me as back-up."

I told him that the boss had ordered me to fetch him, and that that had been the catalyst for the breakdown of our relationship. Jiraiya went a bit quiet after that, and then he left, saying that Naruto would be up soon after he finished putting in the day's shift on his mysterious room.

Dan came in later and said how sorry he was to hear about what had happened between the boss and I. I shrugged and told him not to worry about it, saying that I would get over it. He smiled and left a plate of cinnamon, Christmas tree cookies for me on the bedside cabinet. As soon as he closed the door, I curled up into a ball and cried. I felt really alone then, and I couldn't cuddle Montague because he reminds me of the boss.

I'm so exhausted. I can't take this anymore. I just want to go to sleep and forget about everything...

December 23rd

I received the following e-mail from Nagato last night:

----

From: "Nagato"

To: "Uchiha Sasuke"

Subject: Contract.

Dear Sasuke,

I hope you are well.

Regarding the execution of the contract your brother has taken out in your name, I request that you be present at the Otogakure Mall at precisely 10:00 am tomorrow morning. Your attendance is vital in order to detract suspicion from your person, and you will not be under obligation to participate actively in proceedings.

Please delete this e-mail from your inbox as soon as you have read it.

Yours sincerely,

Nagato.

----

After spending a good few minutes snarling like a lunatic and punching pillows and bemoaning the fact that I had went to so much effort to procure a fantastic present for such an arsehole, I decided that I would go ahead with the contract anyway. Mainly because my brother had paid out for Nagato and I didn't want an incident of such rare generosity to go to waste, but also because I had visions of decapitating Snakey and sending the head to the boss in a mysterious Christmas parcel addressed only to "Orochimaru-sama".

Thus the fact that I am washed and dressed for the first time in four days, ready to face the world again.

A bit of driving and fresh air will do me good, I suppose. And when I come back, I could always arrange a deeply therapeutic, Snakey decapitation ceremony (if Mr Sarutobi, Jiraiya and Tsunade don't veto it, that is). Ooh! And it has just occurred to me that I can even pop into Habitat while I'm at the Mall and buy one of those giant, machete-like chef's knives for added, head-chopping pizzazz.

I guess I should get going. It's quarter to nine already, and I don't want to be late. Nagato was pretty precise about being precise...

December 24th

Good news to report, I suppose. The execution of Snakey has been stayed. What brought on the change of heart, you ask? Well, I'll tell you...

As I was driving along the windy back road towards the Oto Mall, listening to a special compilation of depressing, break-up songs Kabuto had helped me choose and burn onto a CD the night before, I saw a sight through the front window that almost caused me to have a seizure. Now, before I tell you what that sight was, I feel I must briefly explain the lie of the land in Otogakure, in order to better set the scene.

Despite having undergone swift successive stages of rampant industrialisation in recent years, the majority of Otogakure remains a fairly wild and uncultivated place. Ancient forests, lofty mountain peaks, rushing rivers, spectacular cascading waterfalls, deep lakes – you name a natural feature of a temperate, mid-latitude oceanic climate, Otogakure has it in spades. Hence the ridiculous number of local beauty spots which have been designated by the Daimyo in recent years in order to encourage tourism.

When driving the route from the compound to the Mall, one passes a fair number of these so-called beauty spots, and as I passed a particular one named Ryuzu Falls, an all too familiar car caught my eye. Sitting in the little forlorn square of land that had been cleared to form a car-park was the boss's Rolls.

I didn't even have to think about it.

Slamming on the brakes, ignoring the annoyed honks of other drivers' horns, I performed a sharp U-turn and headed for the Ryuzu Falls car park. Switching off the engine, I stepped out of the car and spotted Zaku, one of the boss's drivers, standing by the Rolls having a cigarette.

"Morning, Uchiha-san," he said, seeming completely unsurprised at finding me there. "Orochimaru-sama's just through there by the falls if you want him."

Obviously, he knew nothing of our most recent spat, and it appeared that the boss wasn't planning on telling him. Oh well, I thought. That was the boss's fault if he was so economical with the truth as to endanger his person by not arranging damage control. My fists curling in anticipation, I nodded grimly by way of thanks and strode off along the thinly forested path, following the river and the big, yellow directional arrows on signposts.

My mind was racing, and I could feel the blood pounding in my veins as that all-too-familiar sense of hot, impotent anger took over. The sharp, frosty air rushed past my ears, dulling the crunching sound of my footfalls as they walked over frozen gravel and leaves. All I could think about was giving the boss a piece of my mind.

And then he was there in front of my eyes, bedecked in a white kimono, kneeling by the water's edge. I halted abruptly, gravel crunching underfoot, as I saw him place a tiny lantern upon the surface of the water, pushing it gently away to let it float down the river.

Oh god, I thought. Someone's died. I'd better turn back...

Then he looked up and caught my eye.

For a prolonged moment, we just stared at one another, the only sound passing between us that of the roaring waterfalls. The boss's expression wasn't giving much away, but there was something there, a little niggling thing, telling me that maybe, just maybe, he was feeling as torn up about this whole situation as I was. Suddenly, I didn't feel much like a shouting match.

Resisting every warning my rational mind was screaming at me, slowly, with my hands in my pockets, I walked over to where the boss was kneeling and I sat down beside him upon the cold rocks.

"I thought you never wanted to see me again."

Saying nothing, because I knew I'd rather be crucified than tell the boss the truth at that moment, I simply shrugged and drew my knees up into my chest, resting my chin upon them.

Silence fell again, and we spent the next few minutes watching the boss's little lantern winding its slow way down the river. Eventually, it turned a corner, and we had nothing with which to absorb all the resentful thoughts and feelings we had hitherto managed to keep bottled up.

"So," I ventured when the boss was not forthcoming, "where the hell have you been for the past five days?"

"What do you care, Sasuke-kun?" was the curt reply.

"Oh, I don't know. You'd be surprised," I said casually, picking up a pretty pebble and turning it over in my fingers. "I haven't slept or ate properly since you left. I feel like shit, and I blame you entirely for that."

The boss said nothing, and stared stonily out across the water, his hands folded in his lap.

"So where have you been?" I continued, unrelenting. "You could at least afford me the courtesy of letting me know, since I care about people, unlike you."

At that last remark, the boss's eye twitched almost imperceptibly. A moment's silence followed before he replied, his tone uncharacteristically subdued.

"I caught a plane to Iwagakure to see Kimimaro."

I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach, and it took all the strength I had to fake a sense of calmness I did not possess and say, "Oh? So how did that go?"

"Not very well," the boss replied. "I would say that, in fact, it did not "go" at all."

My insides did a hopeful, little flip-flop, and I inquired as to why that was so, all the while trying to stop my voice from wavering as I spoke.

The boss permitted himself a small smile and said, "because I suddenly remembered all the trouble I went through in order to spend Christmas with you, Sasuke-kun, and realised I'd be damned if I'd let such a monumental effort go to waste."

I laughed, but it was a cold, mirthless affair.

"Not because you didn't want to see your precious Kimimaro, then?"

"No, Sasuke-kun," he said calmly, turning to fix me with an oddly intense gaze. "You are completely and utterly wrong. Would you like me to tell you why?"

I shrugged, trying to be blasé and failing miserably. It's rather a hard thing to pull off when your heart is going like the clappers and you feel like it's going to leap out through your mouth at any moment. The boss took this noncommittal gesture as an invitation to continue, and continue he did.

"I spent the night in a horrible hotel next to Iwagakure airport alone, Sasuke-kun," he said, sighing at the memory. "It was a foul place, and I do not wish to repeat the experience. I stayed there because I did not meet with Kimimaro as I had originally planned, but caught the next flight back to Otogakure instead. This was because I had suffered the crashing realisation that I would rather spend two weeks fighting tooth-and-nail with you than spending them in perfect, halcyon bliss with Kimimaro. An unfortunate thing to realise, I feel, since the very object of my affection had hitherto expressed a definite wish to never see me again.

"Needless to say, I felt rather miserable, and I do not mind admitting that to you, Sasuke-kun. I could not bear to return home, however, so I phoned for a driver and he took me to the hotel in Konoha. I wandered around the room for the remainder of the time, driving myself mad, before I decided to bite the bullet and come home."

"And what would you have done then?" I asked quietly, unable to stop myself from returning the boss's gaze as he shuffled over across the rocks and closed the distance between us.

"I would have told you that, had you given me a second chance, I would be prepared to never see or speak to Kimimaro again," he said softly, practically whispering as he leaned in ever closer. "I would have told you that I deeply regretted doing such a stupid thing behind your back, and that if you would see fit to forgive me, I would do anything in my power to appease you and make you happy..."

"Oh..." I said faintly, as saw his hand reach up, felt it caressing my cheek, cold and slightly damp from the chilly water vapour rising from the river. There was nothing I could do about it. I knew it was coming, and, in my heart of hearts, I wanted it to happen. I just wasn't ready to break up with the boss yet, and it seemed that I had made my point to him, loud and clear. I'd gotten further than Kabuto ever had as regards the elimination from the picture of the evil Kimimaro. My reasoning? The boss had had a chance to have five days' worth of sex with him, and he didn't. That was all the proof I needed of his contrition.

So when he kissed me, I kissed him back. It was a long, passionate affair, and I must confess that I rather lost track of time. When I finally had to pull back for air, the boss tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear in that way of his and murmured, "So where are you off to, Sasuke-kun? Heading home?"

It was at this point that I chanced to glance at my watch. Realising that it was almost twenty to ten, I leapt to my feet and uttered a few choice expletives.

"Oh holy, shitting fuck!" I hissed in agitation, completely shattering the spell of delicate, wintry tranquillity. "I'm supposed to be at the Mall at ten! Nagato's going to go ballistic!"

The boss's brow rumpled in puzzlement. "Nagato?" he said, shooting me a quizzical look. "Why on earth are you meeting with Nagato?"

I smiled a smug smile and replied, "It's for your Christmas present, which is fucking fabulous, by the way, if I say so myself."

"Oh really?" the boss said, smiling in return and looping his arm through mine as he guided me back towards the car park. "Then I suppose we should get a move on if you don't want to be late."

"We?" I said incredulously, with a mock grin of astonishment. "You are coming to the Mall with me?"

"Of course, Sasuke-kun," he replied, waving a hand airily, as though such an occurrence was commonplace. "I am sure it will not be as bad as I think."

And so it was that I spent the better part of yesterday morning at the Mall with the boss. Having ordered Zaku to take the Rolls back to the compound, we jumped in the Aston Martin. We got there in time (if only because I floored it), and, against all expectations, we actually had fun. The boss was shocked at how many ordinary people there were milling around, but I assured him that it wasn't normally that busy – it was just last-minute-gift panic shopping. At precisely one minute past ten, I received the following, slightly scary text from Nagato:

"Sasuke, I see that you are here. Good. All is going to plan. With any luck, I shall have the object in my possession at any time now. I shall have it delivered to you this evening via courier. Please delete this message as soon as you receive it.

N."

It was scary because I had no idea how he could have known I was there. The boss and I looked up and down, behind plant-pots, and in the fountain, but he remained elusive. After a while, we tired of the "Spot Nagato" game, and I dragged the boss up to Thorntons on the third floor and demanded that he buy me a bag of fudge to make up for his transgressions (I can sense that I am going to get a lot of mileage out of this one). He bought me two bags of fudge and a white chocolate snowman. I scoffed the lot while we were sitting at Costa coffee and almost made myself sick. After that, I achieved my wicked ambition and dragged the boss into a photo booth, in which we took many lewd, many charming and many plain silly pictures of ourselves. I let the boss have half and kept the other half for the photo album.

At about quarter to twelve, another text from Nagato came through, informing me that he had successfully managed to procure "the object" from Hamley's, and that I was free to leave whenever I pleased. By then, I was tingling all over with general happiness, and I was quite ready to head back to the compound. The boss agreed, and so we drove home.

Now, in my rush to leave this morning, I had forgotten to tell people that I was going somewhere and not to worry about me being gone for a prolonged period of time. So imagine my surprise when Naruto and Sakura pounced on me as soon as I stepped foot through the front door, wrapping me in a crushing embrace.

"Itachi!" Sakura shouted in between crushing bear-hugs. "Itachi, he's here. He's okay. God, Sasuke, we were so worried about you! Why didn't you—? Oh..."

Her eyes travelled upward to a point behind my shoulder and she unlocked her arms from round my neck and said, "Orochimaru... Hi."

"Sakura-kun," I heard the boss say lightly. "How are you?"

"I-I'm fine," Sakura stuttered, looking as though, for some reason, the last thing in the world she expected was for the boss to turn up at his own house. "Yourself?"

"A lot better than I was a few days ago," the boss replied, snaking an arm around my waist as though he sought to confirm this statement with a physical gesture. "Sasuke and I have resolved our differences."

It was then that Itachi decided to put in an appearance. He stopped short when he saw the boss and I together, and he just stared at us, his expression completely and utterly unreadable.

"Itachi..." I began, before the boss placed a finger over my lips.

"I think I had better speak to him, Sasuke-kun," he murmured. "I will not be long."

And before I had time to protest, the boss had lead Itachi off down the corridor and into a room, closing the door behind them. I have no idea what was said between them, because neither of them are willing to discuss the matter, but I guess it was somewhat productive, because the boss isn't currently six feet under. In fact, Itachi approached me earlier on tonight while I was frantically wrapping presents in the TV room with Kiku and Naruto and he said that if it was my wish to resume relations with Orochimaru, then he would perhaps try to begin to accept it.

"Perhaps try to begin to accept..." What a breakthrough! If only the boss had dragged him into a room and had a chat with him a few months ago, I could have avoided a whole world of pain and emotional trauma.

Oh... just a moment. Dan's just come in and he says there's someone at the door for me. I'll be back in a tick.

LATER:

A young man with vibrant red hair and a copious amount of facial piercings (I didn't ask if he had any elsewhere) turned up at the door with a handful of Christmas cards, two candy canes and a mysterious box. I inquired as to the nature of the contents of the mysterious box and was awarded with a sly wink for my efforts. The young man then handed me the box, the Christmas cards and then the candy canes, stressing that the latter were for me and for "Oro," before wishing me a merry Christmas and leaving without another word. I'm not sure, but I think it might have been Nagato.

I then wandered upstairs to finish my work on the photo album. I must say, it looks fantastic. The boss is going to love it so much. After all the effort that's gone into this, my present had better scale uncharted heights of awesome...

Who am I kidding? I'd be happy with just a card right now. And speaking of cards, the boss has only just got round to opening his. He is on the phone chatting to Deidara quite the thing, and asking how everything's going in Suna. They've fallen in because Deidara sent the boss an odd, little stick drawing of te two of them holding hands in a flowery field with the caption: "I'm sorry I made you sad," written in purple crayon at the top.

I guess I'll get the gossip later. I'm too tired to stay awake anymore. I've finished every one my Christmas preparations, and all I want to do now is fall asleep cuddling the boss. As soon as he gets off that fucking phone, that is...

* * *

First off, that was a _mighty_ long chapter. Longest yet at 10,000 plus words. I hope it was worth the wait. I added an extra helping of drama just to spice it up. Saskue was becoming rather settled, and I thought he needed a bit of emotional torture to keep him on his toes. Yes. I am evil.

Second, we have more fanart! **saavik** has kindly alerted me to this drawing which was inspired by ADitL. It is Orochimaru in a snazzy suit, complete with a snakey pimpin' stick. What's not to like about snakey pimpin' sticks? As always, delete the spaces when copying the link into your address bar):

http // saavik8 . deviantart . com / art / Orochimaru-in-a-suit-68030645

Now, as per tradition, on with the comments!

**danniquinn** (Dude, sorry to hear about your nosebleed mishap. That sucks muchly. Your mental image is spot on, though, by the way. XD That is exactly how I imagined Sasori walking in. Lol, too, to the image of online spats at 1am. I can totally picture them trolling one another's threads on messageboards. And don't worry, the story is actually only about halfway through in terms of chapter numbers. Sasuke did stay with Oro for two and a half years, after all.) **ArilianaFireQueen** (Hee, hello there! Thanks for the review for last chapter. I hope the birthday present purchasing and the homework completing went well. I'm hating homework right now. Well, when I say "homework" I mean doing research for my master's, but it's the same damn thing. Hence the update! Yay! I also want to try a Butterfinger. I wonder if I can buy them online?) **qwertumz** (Why, hello again! I love it when people turn up randomly on the review board. And your particular review made me lol quite hard. It's just Kishimoto all over, isn't it? Just when I think "excellent, I have found a manga that isn't riddled with Great Godmoders and cliched plot twists" he has to go and introduce Pain, then Madara and now a stupid prophecy.) **Nozomi-sama** (I think that lots of people can identify with Sasuke in losing their minds over the Christmas period. The pressure to purchase perfect presents for one's loved ones can do that to a person. Wow. Lots of Ps in that last sentence. I crammed them in there like Ps are going out of fashion...) **Anilmathiel Greenleaf** (Yay! Thank you for loving the e-mail names. I spent ages coming up with them and ended up tearing my hair out because fanfiction dot net was intent upon thwarting me with its Nazi filter. Hah! Well, I got round it (it was untidy, but still) so suck on that, Nazis! Rawr!)

**narutofanficluvr** (Hello there! Thanks so much for all the reviews. I really appreciate them, and I love the fact that you've just sort of responded as you read through the chapters. Lol for the one random one that didn't end funny. What can I say? I like to keep you guys on your toes.) **eerabbit** (Yay, hello thar! Nice to see you again. Glad you liked their e-mail addresses. As I was saying to Animathiel Greenleaf back there, I spent ages thinking them up, only for fanfiction dot net to sabotage them at the last hurdle. At least I found a way to get around it.) **Patrick** (Thank you so much for such a lovely and well thought-out review. You've pinpointed all the things that have worried me about this story - the fact that it is an AU, that it is technically slash fic, and that... well... it's about Sasuke, lol (you might not believe it, but I don't actually like canon Sasuke). Thanks to your comments, though, my fears have been allayed. I guess it is possible to write a rampant, slash AU and make it believable if you take the time and put a bit of effort into it. I guess I wrote this in the first place because I hate those sorts of LOL HIGH SCHOOL PINEAPPLES fics too and wanted to do something a bit different. I guess I've pulled it off, and that really makes me happy. Hope you manage to catch this update.)** hieilover135** (hey, don't worry about missing chapters. I fully expect reviewers to have lives and therefore to miss the odd update. Nagato is, indeed, Pein. Or Pain, or however people are spelling his name this week. Konan will be in the story at some point, but I'm keeping quiet about that at the moment. Cheers very much for the Gai's birthday info. I have something planned for new year, but I'm sure I can fit a double party in there somewhere. After all, the presence of Gai equals guaranteed comedy, imo).

**Niver** (First off, I must say that you get one hundred and fifty zillion points for your choice of house for recommending ADitL to NaruGuru. I love word of mouth. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But Dan... yes... I am totally with you on that. He just came across in the manga and in the anime as a wholesome, potential beige chino-wearing, suburbs type of guy. And the e-mail thing... I was actually laughing, no, correction, giggling like a loon, when I was writing that part. Poor Hidan, indeed.) **ChibiKeimei** (Lol, yes, it's exactly the thing Akatsuki members would resort to. If at first you don't succeed: steal, rape, kill and burn the place down. Itachi... yup. You've got it bang on. It really is a sort of childish, "if I ignore you, you'll go away". Sorry, Itachi, but Oro doesn't tend to fade into the background. Fanfiction dot net has a filter that gets rid of all the "at" signs and dots in email addresses. Very annoying. Glad you agree with me on Rufus's OMGAMAZING voice. I went to see him last week and... gah. All kinds of awesome.) **saavik8** (Firstly, thank you so much for letting me know about your fan art. I pimped it up near the top, as you can probably see. Thanks, too, for the really lovely review. I'm totally with you on AU fics, funnily enough. Usually, I don't like them either, but the idea for this one just hit me one day after I finished my finals and, fortunately, it just wouldn't go away. I'm glad you like the little manga references (I put them in there for the keen readers, oh yes,) and also that you like the way I've treated the whole sex thing. I've been wondering about that, and it's nice to get an opinion on it. Hope to see you next time round! )

**SasukexXxSakura** (Well, judging by your screen nick, I guess you will have found this chapter at least interesting. Hope you were happy with the brief moment of Sasuke/Sakura action. Cheers very much for the review!) **NaruGuru** (Yay! A new reviewer! I always love new people - and you're connected to Niver, too, who is another awesome reviewer. This propels you to lofty hights of brilliance, according to my sage wisdom (rofl, stfu Ada, whut wizdomz iz that again?) But yes, I'm so glad this fic makes you happy. It makes me happy, too, even though I always know what's coming (the downside of being teh author). Oro will get his Snakey in the next chapter, and I guarantee that he will love it. Just wait til you see what he gets for Sasuke. There is gonna be explosions of squee! ) **natwel** (Hello again! Thanks for the review (and letting me know you're still kicking about). Believe me, I wish I could just stop grinding and write. This masters is, to put it bluntly, teh sux0rz. Doing research is so fucking boring, I can't tell you. Ah well... it's only for one year. If I still hate it by the end of the year, I won't go on to do the PhD. Hope you liked this chapter (and the extra helping of OMGDRAMA I provided.)) **Zinjah** (Y hello thar, oh one who possesses the most profound knowledge of summary writing! May I take this opportunity to smack my forehead against the nearest wall for being such a clueless numbskull as far as dates go? Tis Christmas in the future alright! XD Also, how the hell could you turn that concept into an angst fic? Seriously. XD I'm really curious now.) **fiore777** (Thanks so much for taking the time to review my fic, considering your current housing situation. Are you scheduled to move into another house, or have you been pretty much screwed over by whoever decided to condemn your place? I'm thinking about writing a truly mad one-off detailing how Sasori, the bananas and how he got back to Akatsuki HQ after the Christmas party from his drug-addled POV. Should be interesting if it turns out the way I want it to. Thanks again for reviewing, and take care of yourself. Hope your internet withdrawal isn't too bad.)


	26. Chapter 26

A Day in the Life

---

* * *

AN: Way back when, fiore777 left me a review, reminding me about Sasuke's love for cats. You will soon see why this was important.

* * *

---

December 25th

As of now, it is round about four o'clock in the morning. I don't know exactly what time it is because my eyes appear to be protesting against being put to work at stupid am. I don't blame them. I do blame Naruto, however, as it is all his bone-headed, retarded fault that I am awake. Despite the boss _explicitly_ warning him last night, even going so far as to draw him into another room and have a quiet word, he still managed to wake us up because he was, and I quote, "too excited to sleep".

I first knew something wasn't quite right when, ensconced in a pile of duvets and drooling gently, my inner paranoid self detected the faintest of creaks. It could have been the sound of a door opening in a tentative fashion, I thought. As no further strange noises made themselves manifest, however, I chose to classify the previous noise under the category of "no threat to my health and well-being" and therefore decided that rolling over and getting back to what was really important was the best action to take.

An indeterminate amount of time later, I became aware of a foreign presence – foreign in that there was something in my bed that really should not have been there – but I couldn't put my finger on it. Vaguely troubled, my mind still blurred from the blissful ignorance of sleep, I lifted the boss's arm and made to turn over to the cold side of the bed.

I did so, and Naruto's face was an inch from mine, so close our noses were almost touching. His wide, blue eyes were boring into mine and he was grinning a rictus grin, his hands tucked under his chin. Fervour radiated from him in waves. He said, "Hee..."

I shrieked like a 1970s B-movie murder victim and vaulted from my recumbent position in bed, banging my leg on the bedpost as I went (resulting in an unsightly, hamster-sized bruise at the top of my right leg). In the commotion, the boss woke up with a snort, followed by a characteristic, agitated flail as he realised something was wrong and fought to extricate himself from his duvet cocoon.

"Naruto!" I hissed, my eyes watering with throbbing, bruise-induced pain. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I can't sleep, Sasuke," he whined, bouncing up and down on his knees. "I'm too excited!"

The boss's head suddenly poked out of the pile of duvets. It was not a happy head. His hair was dishevelled, his make-up smeared and his eyes were all puffy from sleep-deprivation.

"Naruto!" he snapped. "What did I tell you last night?"

Naruto looked disconsolately at the mattress. "You said not to wake anyone before nine. But I can't sleep anymore! I'm too excited about presents!"

He then paused for a moment to observe the boss, screwing his face up in that way of his when he's puzzled about something, before saying, "Are you naked in there?"

"OUT!" the boss roared, stabbing a finger in the direction of the door.

And so order has been restored. The boss managed to get back to sleep pretty quickly after Naruto the Overenthusiastic Intruder broke into our bedroom, but, alas, I cannot. Hence the entry.

I'm so tired and jealous of the boss. He's cocooned himself in the duvets again, and he's making those contented, little noises he tends to make when indulging in a spot of REM sleep (totally different from the running dream commentaries and the limb-flailing). It's not fair. I want to go back to sleep!

I know Naruto is my best friend, but sometimes I really want to smash his face in.

LATER:

It's thirty-seven minutes past seven. Kisame has just chapped on the door and has informed us, in a bleary-eyed and distinctly grumpy manner, that there won't be any more trouble from Naruto, as he has locked him out of the house and does not plan to let him in until nine sharp. Thank god. Sleep beckons with a cosy finger.

CHRISTMAS DAY 

(11:48am):

Yes, I thought today's entry deserved a special 'later' heading, seeing as it's Christmas and all. I think today will have to be documented in dribs and drabs, as there's no way in hell I'm going to get a moment to myself otherwise. I'm in the kitchen right now and everyone else is here, nursing mugs of coffee with grumpy, tired looks on their faces.

Despite Kisame having made a passable attempt at damage control, I am afraid to say it turned out as having only made Naruto worse. You see, with him out of the house, everyone ended up sleeping in till eleven, and by the time Jiraiya let him in, the enthusiasm had built up so much that Naruto battered through the front doors like a whirlwind, foaming at the mouth to get at the presents. At the moment, he's standing behind me next to the fridge, jigging agitatedly from one foot to another and whining "_Come on, guys! Come onnnnn..._"

I must say (and this is a rare thing, indeed) but I am inclined to agree with Naruto. I can't wait to see the reaction on the boss's face when he sees Snakey.

Actually, to tell you the truth, I'm a little nervous. I really hope he likes it.

CHRISTMAS DAY

(2:58pm):

It is official.

I am the King of Christmas. The Duke of Generosity. The Grand High Celestial Emperor of Gift-Giving. Oh yes. Due to my superior skills in present-picking, I am now by far the most popular person in the house. I have had more grateful grins and more festive hugs than I can count on both hands (including a wink and a nudge from Mr Sarutobi. He's up in Kabuto's room right now using the computer). Ergo, it should come as no surprise that I'm feeling rather smug at the moment. I am also feeling all sorts of tingling, warm, fuzzy happiness. This is because, courtesy of the boss, I am now the proud owner of a mind-bendingly gorgeous, pure-bred Himalayan kitten.

Yes. You heard right.

THE BOSS GOT ME A KITTEN FOR CHRISTMAS!! asdkfjaslkfjawkejf;oawefhj;o uawvnawhr!!!

No, that was not the kitten crawling over my keyboard – that was me indicating my extreme enthusiasm via a randomly generated string of text!! The kitten is, at this precise moment, gouging great gleeful chunks out of the piles of discarded gift wrap under the tree with its tiny, tiny claws.

It's the best present in the world. Seriously. I cannot get over it. And the boss was so sneaky about it, too. I had absolutely no idea.

When we finally gave in to Naruto's incessant whining this morning, the boss was almost too keen that I opened his present before anyone else opened anything. When he entered the room, he made a beeline for the tree. Elbowing Naruto out of the way, he gently picked up the gift-wrapped box and held it out to me, sporting an uncharacteristically eager grin. He said, "Don't drop it, Sasuke-kun."

Suspicious, and all-too-aware that everyone had stopped what they were doing to watch me, I lifted the lid and peeked inside. I shrieked with delight, I kid you not. The kitten, in its haste to vacate the box (at the bottom of which it had done a little widdle) upturned the thing, waddled into my lap and mewled piteously. My heart melted. Almost everyone said "Aww." Itachi did not. He just stared at it with disinterest for a moment and then started opening his presents. Jerk. He didn't deserve the humungous Lush hatbox – which he loved, by the way. Oh yes, a cute kitten will not elicit even the slightest emotion in his crabbed, frozen, excuse for a heart, but a box full of bath products will make him open his mouth slightly, stare and say, "Thank you, Sasuke," in a sincere manner. He could have at least pretended to like my kitten, but then that would have been too much effort for him. Even at Christmas.

Oh, but the kitten... it's so incredibly soft! I must say that I have never felt a softer kitten in my life. I rather suspect the boss secretly conducted preliminary softness trials in order to ensure I received the softest possible kitten. And he is a Himalayan! A HIMALAYAN!! The boss knows that I love them with a ridiculous passion (after all, over the course of our relationship I must have forced him to look at countless pictures of sweet, Himalayan kittens online)! He is only eight weeks old, but he is so cute and fuzzy, that whenever I look at him capering around on the floor, my brain is invaded by the power of his supreme cuteness and general fuzziness, thus reducing me to a cooing, giggling, pliable owner only too willing to spoil with treats and scratch toys. I am certain he shall grow up to resemble the cat on a keyboard in space cat – he has that look about him. The boss said he purchased him from the Daimyo's wife in Konoha (apparently, she breeds Himalayans) and that its pedigree name (he has the papers) is Falstaff Dalrymple Carruthers-Twerpington the Third. The most touching thing about the whole affair, however, was that everyone else must have been in on the surprise, because my presents mainly consisted of kitten-related accessories (which I have listed below).

I received:

an assortment of wildly-coloured cat toys dangling from string and a wind-up mouse (from Naruto)

set of first vaccinations (from Sakura)

a specially commissioned diamond collar (from my brother, who has far too much money)

a scratching post and a piece of paper to say he's been micro-chipped (from Kabuto)

two big, blue velvet cushions for him to sit on and a pretty, blue collar (from Tsunade and Dan)

vouchers for the feline grooming studio in Konoha (from Mr and Mrs Sarutobi)

solid silver food and water bowls (from Jiraiya and Kiku)

two litter trays and a big bag of kitty-litter (from Konohamaru)

a suede, designer cat bed and a jingly shark (from Kisame)

The cat is perhaps the best present I have ever been given for Christmas, and after I had stopped screaming and flailing, I lunged at the boss, locked my legs round his waist and gave him the biggest, squeeziest hug he has yet received from me. I didn't even slap his hand away when he took advantage of my happiness and groped my arse in front of everyone – that is a measure of how grateful I was.

At that point, I felt like I had to repay the boss for such an awesome present, so I detached myself from him and, with a spring in my step, fetched the lovingly gift-wrapped Snakey and photo-album. On the way back to the sofa, I saw Jiraiya nudge Kiku and they both stopped unwrapping to watch. Obviously, he had told her what I had got for the boss. That was fine. I always enjoy having witnesses around when I display my general superiority. When I sat down, I placed the present in his lap and grinned inanely at him.

"Go on, open it," I said, giving him a nudge.

The boss shrugged and tore off the wrapper. He found the photo album first, which was probably just as well, now that I look back on it. Flipping it open at the first page, he clocked the photos we took in the booth the other day, and he laughed and said wryly, "So that's what you wanted them for. Remind me never to trust you an inch again, Sasuke-kun." Secretly, though, he was pleased with my deviousness, and also with my thoughtfulness when I told him Jiraiya and I had spent a night in the attic looking through boxes of old photos.

"Did you do that for me? Really?" he said, looking at me with his head tilted to one side.

I nodded, and I felt the boss's arm snaking round my waist, pulling me into a hug. Success. When I felt his hand heading for R-rated territory _again_, however (seriously, what's with the fascination with my arse?), I pulled away and said slyly, "Wait, there was another thing under the album you haven't looked at yet."

"Yes," the boss said absently, rustling through the paper, "it was soft. Some sort of stuffed toy, I should think—"

His voice cut off abruptly.

"Sasuke-kun," he breathed, his eyes wide as saucers as he beheld the form of his beloved, childhood Snakey for the first time in decades. "Is this...? No. It can't be. But it is. It definitely is. The baked bean stain above his right eye is still there..."

As he sat there gazing at Snakey, Jiraiaya nudged Kiku and they both began to giggle and point. I could see why they would do that, because something rather odd started happening to the boss. With Snakey held up at his face, he stared into its amber, glass eyes for a good few minutes, totally heedless of everyone else in the room. They stopped giggling and pointing, however, when the boss suddenly clutched the plush menace to his chest and, whispering "Snakey?", stood up and walked over to a corner of the room, where he proceeded to curl up on the carpet with his back to us and nuzzle Snakey. He is still there, nuzzling away in the corner. I am not quite sure what has happened, but I consulted with Tsunade and she thinks he has momentarily regressed back into childhood. I asked her how long it would be before he snapped out of it and she shrugged and replied, "Hopefully before dinner."

I am slightly worried. Naruto and Konohamaru have been nudging him with the remote control mouse and pelting him with Nerf gun arrows, and he hasn't noticed. The kitten went over to sniff him, to no avail. He did not even protest when Kabuto offered to set up Kiku's super deluxe (super retarded) home karaoke equipment she received from Jiraiya (to celebrate the memory of their first date, apparently. Yes, I gagged.) I hope the supreme amazingness of my gift has not actually made the boss mental. Itachi, too, for that matter, as he has now occupied the opposite corner of the room and has laid out all his bath products in rows, pending a thorough inspection. Kisame appears to be helping by opening the caps of the shower gel bottles and holding them up to Itachi's nose, for ease of sniffing. Is it possible to be too good at giving presents?

Honestly. I'm glad they're grateful and all, but couldn't they show it in a more... well... a more _normal_ way? Gah. At least _I'm_ not responsible for Jiraiya's current attire. That dubious honour belongs to Kiku. She bought him a pair of white pyjamas and slippers from The White Company, and Jiraiya has decided that they are his favourite present this year, so much so that he went through to the bathroom right away to change and is insisting on wearing them to dinner. He's lucky the boss is _non compus mentis_ right now, as I know _exactly_ what he would say. And I'd be inclined to agree. He looks like a hairy, middle-aged angel...

One second. I have just been whacked on the back of the head by a Nerf arrow. This is too much. I'm going to have to have a word with Sakura about her choice of gift after I deal with Naruto. Who on earth would willingly arm him with a Nerf gun? I ask you!

CHRISTMAS DAY

(6:12pm)

Everyone is in the TV room right now, having just come back from dinner. I have to say that the meal was quite delicious and that I would willingly spend Christmas at the boss's house for the rest of eternity if I could – even if I received an invite from Gen'yumaru, and that's saying something. Christmas last year was spent in River Country with Itachi and the Akatsuki mob, and my brother was left to cook everything, since he is the only one who can. Unfortunately, he asked Deidara to keep an eye on the turkey. This was a mistake. To cut a long story short, the bird and the oven caught fire, resulting in no luscious, golden turkey at the table. Hidan laughed and said it was Jashin's punishment for celebrating a heathen festival. After raking around, the only thing Itachi could find in the freezer was a packet of beef burgers. Dinner was a rather frosty affair that year.

Not so this time, for it was absolute paradise. This, you see, is what you get when your significant other has enough money to hire a Michelin-starred chef to cook for him. Now I know why Jiraiya, Tsunade and the Sarutobis come every year. The turkey was not a black, charred lump, but was, I feel, as Itachi's was originally intended to be (organic, free-range, stuffed, glazed and cooked to perfection). There was freshly made cranberry sauce, delicious gravy, tureens of roasted root vegetables with chestnuts, chipolata sausages (made from wild boar meat and wrapped in pancetta) and a bewildering array of potatoes (croquettes, roast, boiled with parsley butter, mashed, mashed with spring onions and chives, pureed and gratin). I felt it necessary to help myself to a liberal portion of each, so that I could gain the full Christmas experience. By the time dessert was served, I was feeling a little full, but I could not resist the poached pears in red wine sauce (or the fruit cake, or the chocolate cheesecake, or the tiramisu, for that matter). Unfortunately, I am now being crippled by horrendous waves of indigestion, and it is not entirely down to overeating. Tsunade has helpfully supplied me with some antacids, and, thankfully, the boss and Itachi appeared to have called a temporary ceasefire.

Yes, the boss eventually tore himself away from Snakey (he left it sitting on a cushion on the sofa) and showed up just as we were about to start on the turkey. Itachi was sitting on my right and Naruto on my left, but the boss swanned in and demanded that Naruto move so he could sit next to me. Glad to oblige, since there was an empty seat next to Sakura, Naruto jumped up and let the boss have his. This did not seem to please my brother, however, and he said, "You don't have to move if you don't want to, Naruto. Sit down."

The boss folded his arms and gazed coolly at my brother. "He is moving, Itachi. I wish to sit next to Sasuke. Do you have a problem with that?"

It was plain as day that Itachi did, in fact, have a problem with that, but it was equally plain that there was no way in hell my brother would admit it.

"No, Oro, I do not," he intoned. "However, I do not feel it is appropriate that you demand your guest move to satisfy your capricious whim."

By this time, I was caught in the middle, sitting there with my head in my hands trying to ignore them as I was certain another argument was brewing (thankfully, I was wrong). Naruto was looking agitatedly from Itachi, to the boss, and to the empty seat next to Sakura and back. He began to jig and make sad, urgent noises. Not that Itachi or the boss cared a jot. As far as they were concerned, he was but a pawn in their festive power game.

"Would you like to move then, Itachi?" I heard the boss counter in his silkiest, deadliest voice. "Because the way I see it, is that while I am in _my_ house I can do whatever I damn well like."

I couldn't see my brother's face because I was determinedly staring at the silver gravy boat at the other side of the table, but I can imagine what it might have looked like at that point. The adjective 'ominous' comes to mind.

No answer was forthcoming from Itachi, so with a smug smile, the boss sat down on Naruto's vacated seat and helped himself to some vegetables. Naruto ran off to sit with Sakura and I was left there, stuck in the middle between the two of them, absorbing all the subsequent bad vibes. For the next hour or so, the boss delighted in tormenting Itachi with such innocent, yet incredibly loaded requests as, "Could you pass the gravy, Itachi, if you would be so kind?" In fact, he was so intent on pushing my brother's buttons that he didn't even say anything to Jiraiya about his pyjamas (and I _know_ he noticed).

At first, Itachi did remarkably well in not rising to the boss's bait, but, sure as the world spins on its axis, before long, a chink appeared in his normally impenetrable armour. As I was happily munching my way through dinner (admittedly with gusto) Itachi rather snidely remarked that it seemed I was making up for lost time. This double-edged sword of an insult ensured that I was subtly punished for – heaven forbid! – being upset during my brief break-up with the boss, and that the boss was reminded that it was he who had put me into such a state in the first place.

In an instant the boss countered, infuriating Itachi by wrapping his arm around my waist possessively and saying that I merely appreciated Jean-Michel's excellent cooking and that perhaps Itachi was referring to the disastrous meal he was in charge of last year when he spoke of 'lost time' (I told the boss about it when we were sitting up talking in bed a few weeks ago – it was funny at the time, but I never thought he would use it as ammo in a smarm-off with my brother. I lament my lack of foresight.) The boss then rounded off his rebuttal by applying a kiss to the top of my head while I was in the process of shovelling another forkful of gratin potatoes into my mouth. I dropped them on my lap and I now have a greasy, potato-shaped stain on my nice grey kimono because my brother and my significant other cannot be in the same room for an hour without trying to get one over on each other.

Needless to say, Itachi was not pleased and he went in a huff and said nothing for the rest of the meal. I tried to cheer him up, but the boss deliberately made constant demands upon my attention. They're both so manipulative. It is literally making me sick.

Right now, Itachi is sitting over on the opposite sofa, sandwiched in between Kisame and Dan. He is glowering darkly at the boss, who is too concerned about the imminent unveiling of the karaoke machine to care. My stomach is aching and there are faint mutterings concerning the playing of charades. Perhaps some good will come of my horrendous indigestion. I have the perfect excuse to sit here and pet the kitten and think up a good name for him while Dan forces everyone to play inane Christmas games.

CHRISTMAS DAY

(8:12pm):

Okay, I'm in the boss's study right now because I urgently need some privacy. The boss is here too, pondering over recent developments with a glass of wine in hand. He looks thoughtful, and it's no wonder, because only a few hours ago, my uncle Madara turned up at the door completely out of the blue.

I have not seen the man since I was eight years old - at my parents' funeral, to be precise. Memories of that time remain a little sketchy, alas. I can vaguely remember the smell of the incense, the candles and the chanting of the monks at the funeral. I can vividly remember standing next to Itachi and crying as the coffins rolled away - mainly because it was the only time he has ever let me hold his hand. I remember snapping at Naruto and Sakura later on in the reception room, telling them to go away because I didn't feel like playing. I remember hiding under the buffet table, crying again, because Itachi had locked himself in a cubicle in the gents' toilets and wouldn't speak to me. And I remember my uncle Madara.

He was odd, my uncle Madara; that is what stands out most clearly in my mind when I think about him. He smiled, joked, was charming, and was given to goofing around a tad, but the laughter never quite reached his eyes. Everyone else was wearing black, but my uncle Madara wore a bright red kimono. While I was hiding under the table, crying over Itachi, thinking I was safe there, he lifted the tablecloth and peeked in at me. Tempted by the slice of juicy watermelon he offered me, I emerged from my hiding place and ended up sitting next to him for a while. I cannot recall what we talked about – nothing of consequence, I imagine, I was only eight - but I do know that he was the first ever person to buy me an alcoholic beverage (since my father would not be able to, he said). It was a Tequila Sunrise, chosen specially because he knew my childish palate would not tolerate a glass of fine, tawny Port, such as he appeared to be fond of. I liked it, because it tasted of orange juice. When I had finished, he stood up, ruffled my hair, flashed me one of his strange almost-smiles and left, although not before once more expressing his condolences.

It was strange to see him again. Very strange. Mostly because I was in the middle of something so mundane as charades when he materialised at the front door (yes, I was bullied into playing by Mrs Sarutobi, despite my crippling stomach problem – she has no heart). When in the middle of an infuriating attempt to get the idiots assembled to guess _Bridge over the River Kwai_ (they had bridge and river and I was pointing madly at the kitten - a play on words: kawaii) the doorbell rang. I was surprised anyone could hear it over Naruto shouting, "KITTEN RIVER BRIDGE! KITTEN RIVER BRIDGE!" but Kiku did, and she jumped up and volunteered to answer the door.

A few moments later, she came back inside, sporting a perplexed expression. She hovered upon the threshold of the TV room for a while, looking at a loss as to what to do. She said, "Errr... guys. There's, like, some dude at the door who says he's Itachi and Sasuke's uncle. I let him in. Is that okay?"

And so it was that for the first time in god knows how long, I saw my uncle Madara. He hadn't aged a day. He must go to the same plastic surgeon as the boss. His hair was still big and choppy (a silky-black version of Jiraiya's), his eyes the same colour as, and very much like my brother's and my own. He wore red and black, and he smiled when he saw me – the same almost-but-not-quite smile I remembered that did not reach his eyes.

He said, "That's _Bridge over the River Kwai_, Sasuke. An excellent novel. Good choice. Is it my turn now?"

Thus it was that I ended up sitting on the sofa chatting away to a relative I did not know and had not seen in years with Naruto, Sakura, Konohamaru and Kabuto. The older members of our party did not come to join us. Tsunade, in particular, remained hostile, throwing uncle Madara filthy looks from the other side of the room. At the time, I must confess, I was a little wary of my uncle (what had he done to merit such a frosty reception, I wondered?) but I also wanted to know why he was here – and the only way of doing so would be to speak to the man.

Once again, he was as I remembered. Charming and genial, he regaled us with tales of his recent exploits, during which I found out the rather interesting fact that he has just become the majority shareholder in the Akatsuki Group, holding fifty-four percent of the company shares. Seeing as how he effectively owns the company, I found it strange that Itachi did not come over to speak to him. In fact, uncle Madara's spontaneous appearance had a profound effect on my brother, though only I, having known him all my life, could have spotted it.

Being reserved and taciturn at the best of times, and since Itachi was already in a foul mood with the boss having directed all his spiteful smarm at him over dinner, one would have been forgiven for missing it. But when uncle Madara turned up, far from wanting to speak to him, Itachi instead withdrew completely. All the while when we were conversing and laughing ourselves silly at Madara's stories ("Yes, Sasuke, it's perfectly true. I swear on my life. He has five brothers, all called Nagato! His parents did not have much imagination, I suppose. Or I suppose they might have possessed a terrible fondness for the name. Either way, I say it's grounds for child-abuse charges.") Itachi sat there on the sofa on his own, hunched over and staring at the wall. He didn't even roll his eyes when Kisame could no longer resist and got up to sing Karma Chameleon with Jiraiya.

Something was wrong with my brother, but at first I simply thought he was being unreasonable (as usual). Uncle Madara was behaving in a perfectly polite and civil fashion. He was intelligent, funny and good company. Perhaps Itachi was jealous, I thought. However, when everyone else gradually began to gravitate towards the karaoke machine, leaving me alone with the man, a glimmer of insight was provided into why the others were avoiding him like the plague...

"So, Sasuke-kun," he said, turning round to face me directly when Sakura had stormed off in a vain attempt to stop Naruto from hogging the mic, "you've landed on your feet, haven't you?"

"What do you mean?" I said, genuinely puzzled.

Uncle Madara then smiled another of his ambiguous smiles and replied, with a sweeping gesture, "Well, you're here, aren't you? Only a few months and already you're screwing the company director? You _are_ an Uchiha, aren't you..."

My insides went cold.

"Excuse me?" I said, in disbelief that a relative stranger would suddenly turn round and blithely say something so personal and offensive to my face.

Instead of backing down, however, uncle Madara observed me for a moment before carrying on regardless, as though he were saying something as innocuous as wishing me a happy Christmas.

"Orochimaru is infatuated with you, Sasuke," he said. "It is plain as the fact that your little, blonde friend, Naruto, is blessed with few brain cells. Do you know he is now the richest man on the continent? No, I don't suppose you do. Orochimaru does like to keep those sorts of things under-wraps. Only his agoraphobic accountant would know the full details, most likely." He paused to allow himself a small, cynical laugh, then said with a frankness that astounded me, "He would give you anything you ask for, Sasuke-kun. Anything. And all you would have to do to get it is dangle yourself in front of him like a carrot. I rather envy the ease with which you have come to be so influential..."

"What, you think I planned this?" I hissed, making a half decent attempt at staring him down. "You think I intentionally seduced him in order to get my hands on his cash?" I laughed a hollow laugh. "You clearly know nothing about me, or about Orochimaru-sama for that matter, as he was the one who came on to me – not the other way around."

"Oh, and you simply went along with it?" he scoffed. "I don't believe you. Would you still be with him if he was not fantastically wealthy? If he became bankrupt tomorrow, would you stand by him then?"

In the background, the dulcet tones of Naruto singing a rousing rendition of Ding Dong Merrily on High rang out over the speakers. Despite its grating tunelessness and the irritating fact that Naruto could not remember most of the words, neither my uncle nor I paid any attention. It was background, and it provided a perfect cover for our frosty exchange.

"_Ding, dong merrily on high... La la la la la laaaaaaaa la. Ding, dong merrily on high... La la la la la laaaaa la."_

"I might..." I said coolly, folding my arms, "... though I wouldn't know for sure what I'd do until it happened."

"I am surprised at you, Sasuke," he retorted wryly. "Here I was labouring under the impression that you were a true Uchiha – never one to miss an opportunity to take what you can get. Your brother is a much cleverer opportunist than you are, it seems."

"_Glo- oh- oh- oh- oh- oh- ohhh- oh- oh- oh- oh- oh- ohhh- oh- oh- oh- oh- oh- ohhh- oh- oh- oh- oh- oh- ohhh- oh- oh- oh- oh- oh- ohhh –ria. La la la la la laaaa la!"_

"Leave my brother out of this," I said viciously, my eyes flashing. "This is nothing to do with him. But it just so happens that he does not approve of my relationship with Orochimaru-sama, so it seems that not every Uchiha under the sun is of the same mindset as yourself. Now if you'll excuse me, the kitten that Orochimaru-sama gave me out of genuine affection appears to be inspecting rather too closely the stuffed snake I gave him out of genuine affection."

"_Ding dong merrily on high, la la la la la laaaaa la..."_

With that I stood up, turned my back on uncle Madara and went over to the sofa just in time to rescue Snakey from a mauling from my adorable, little, fluffy one. Deprived of me to insult, uncle Madara shrugged and decided to try his luck with Itachi. For a few minutes, I sat and petted the kitten, watching them. If anything, Itachi was even less responsive. He stared straight ahead, and if he answered at all, it was in monosyllables. Uncle Madara, however, was chatting away quite the thing, nudging and prompting my brother. That Itachi did not wrench my uncle's arm from his socket settled the matter...

Something is going on. I am certain of it.

That's why the boss, Snakey, the kitten and I are hiding away in his study. I needed a sounding board, to talk to someone about what was going on; someone sensible, someone shrewd, someone as paranoid and suspicious as I am. My significant other was a perfect candidate for the job.

We've been sitting on the rug by the fireplace for about an hour now, doing nothing much but chatting and dangling toys in front of the kitten. The boss was very keen to hear what uncle Madara had said to me during our little chat. I had to lie. I just couldn't bring myself to tell him. I don't know why, but I found it incredibly insulting... on the boss's behalf, of course. I suppose I could compare it to the time the boss said that Itachi was the centre of my world and that I would do silly things just to keep him happy, and I didn't think he would have reacted well to the truth. Instead, I dredged up my memory of the red kimono he wore to my parents funeral, stressing that I found it incredibly disrespectful (and I have just realised that I do, in fact, feel that way).

Interestingly, this lead to a whole new avenue of conversation in which I learned rather a lot about my uncle Madara - and the boss.

As I sat in front of the fire reminiscing, I began telling the boss the story as to how my brother and I ended up in care of the state. It was simple enough, really. My parents died in a car crash. They were driving round a blind bend and did not see the oncoming truck. The truck driver was lucky and escaped with minor injures. Itachi was also in the car and only survived because he was in the back seat. They had to cut him out with sheet metal cutters. Luckily, I wasn't there, as Sakura's mum and dad had agreed to take me out for the afternoon while Itachi went to the doctor's. The phone call came when I was still there. Sarutobi came over and everything. I wasn't quite sure what was going on, but when the adults wouldn't let me see Itachi, I started crying and throwing things. Itachi was discharged two days later with a clean bill of health, and from then until the funeral, we sat in our room and never spoke to anyone. Then I told boss all about what happened at the funeral and about uncle Madara.

While I was spilling my guts to the boss, he sat there looking thoughtful. Snakey was wrapped around his neck, and he was stroking its plush skin with a faraway look in his eyes. I asked him, in a slightly indignant way, whether he had listened to a word I'd said. When he did not respond, I punched him in the shoulder. This caused him to snap, "For heaven's sake, Sasuke-kun, I heard you. I was merely thinking about my own parents."

"Why, what happened?" I asked, suddenly curious.

A bitter smile made the corners of the boss's mouth curl. "They died in a car accident, Sasuke-kun. When you found me at Ryuzu Falls - the lantern was for them."

"Oh..." I said, somewhat inadequately, feeling embarrassed because I'd_known_ I had walked in on something private then, I'd just known. My tingling spider-senses told me. "I'm sorry I, well, you know, interrupted you and started shouting at you and... and things."

"You had every reason to, Sasuke-kun," the boss replied with a dismissive wave, "and you were not to know."

"When did they die?" I asked, after a pause.

"I was eight, the same age as you. It was a head on collision with another vehicle on the road to Suna. Both my parents died instantly, or so I was told. I had no other relatives. Of course, I remained in my parents' home – I had inherited everything, you see, the money, the house-staff, the property, all assets – but I was too young to appreciate the gravity of the situation. Fortunately, Sarutobi-sensei agreed to be my legal guardian, and I was placed under his care."

"Ahhh..." I said. "Everything is making a little more sense now."

"What do you mean?"

"I guess I wasn't really all that sure where Mr and Mrs Sarutobi fitted in to the whole Christmas thing," I mused. "I mean, I get Jiraiya and Tsunade. Just not them. I guess you sort of see them as family."

"Something like that," the boss said, smiling a little as he picked up the photo album and turned it to the pages which featured photos of his mother and father. "Perhaps I should have a rake around in the attic and find some of Sarutobi-sensei— good gracious! Did I really look like that when I was little? All those crumbs round my mouth. You would think, with all the money they had, that my mother and father could have invested in a good face-cloth. Ha! And look at Tsunade. To look at her now, you would never believe she was ever flat-chested. Though she _was_ only seven..."

The mention of Tsunade rang a bell in my mind and I told the boss that I saw her glaring daggers at uncle Madara and asked him what it was all about. The boss said, "Hmmm..." before launching into a rather complicated explanation which involved betrayal, familial grudges, corporate intrigue and corruption. As it was a shade complicated, I had to concentrate rather hard to keep up (that I was on my third glass of wine did not help matters along). I feel I may be able to summarise events however:

Basically, uncle Madara did a dirty deal and sold his shares in Konoha Corp. (as one of its founders) behind Tsunade's grandpa's back. The company was on the up, and Madara made an absolute fortune. However, the very next day, word got out that one of the Konoha Corp. founders had sold all his shares. Stock prices plummeted and the company almost went under. Had it not been for Sarutobi, the whole operation would have come crashing down – and the boss would have been left penniless, as the sole source of his income when he was a minor were the shares his parents owned in the company.

Needless to say, there are a lot of people in Konoha after my uncle's blood.

Considering how incredibly rude he was to me today, this does not surprise me. What does surprise me, though, is that he showed up here today at all – knowing that Mr Sarutobi and Tsunade would be here. And the way he was acting with Itachi. I asked the boss if he knew anything about it, but he said he never noticed.

What on earth is going on?

CHRISTMAS DAY

(11:13pm):

Christmas day is almost over (thank god) and against all odds, we have somehow managed to get by without any major domestic incidents. Yes, I know forty-seven minutes remain and that that is a sufficient interval of time in which a decent argument could, theoretically, build up considering the people I am sharing breathing space with, but what can I say - I'm feeling positive.

A few minutes after I rounded up my last entry, Naruto poked his head round the study door to say that uncle Madara had gone and that it was safe to come out. He then asked me whether I wanted to be part of the official unveiling of his mysterious room. I didn't have the heart to refuse him, he looked so eager. He said that Konohamaru, Kabuto, Kiku and Itachi were coming too, so I said "okay then", gently lifted the boss's head from my lap and laid it down on the couch so as not to wake him up. Then I left him a note to say where I was going and left him to the tender mercy of the kitten (it has discovered that the ends of the boss's hair are wonderful, natural cat toys and has taken advantage at every given opportunity. It seems the kitten is a true Uchiha.)

When we arrived at the room, Naruto had arranged things so that a strip of red ribbon was stretched over the doorway. You've got to admire his enthusiasm, really you do. Itachi was solemnly handed a pair of scissors, and, with the gravity the situation commanded (translation: with the gravity Naruto _demanded_), he snipped the ribbon in two. Everyone cheered and clapped. With a flourish, Naruto then opened the door.

If you've ever been to laser tag, you'll have a good idea of what Naruto had done to the room. Scattered haphazardly around the place were old wooden tun beer barrels, and it appeared that Naruto had been heavy-handed with the ol' glow paint, as he had done his best to daub scary monsters on the walls (which were now pitch black). True to form, though, there was a random tyre swing in the middle of the room. When I asked Naruto why on _earth_ there was a random tyre swing in the middle of the room he shrugged and said, "I guess I've just always wanted one," before grabbing me by the collar and bellowing, "NOW LET'S PLAY LASER TAG!! YOU'RE IN MY TEAM, SASUKE!!"

For the next hour or so, I was ducking and diving behind barrels, trying to snipe at my brother from the safe spot I had found. My team mate, however, was more gung-ho, and was content to hurl himself around the room, yodelling wildly and tackling the others to the ground, which is completely missing the point of laser tag, if you ask me. Now, I know I had my doubts initially about the boss donating this room to Naruto to decorate as he wished, but I must confess that I had a lot of fun running around like a hyena on crack and trying to assassinate Itachi. I daresay Itachi had fun too. God knows he managed to shoot me in the back enough times. Alas, our giddy hi-jinks were cut short when Kiku accidentally swung her gun into Kabuto's face and burst his nose. Konohamaru, Kiku and Naruto had to help him to the nearest bathroom because blue flashing lights were swimming in front of his eyes and he couldn't see properly. After that, Itachi and I decided to call it a night and we headed back to our rooms.

On the walk back, Itachi began to withdraw into himself again (it's amazing how the killing urge brings everything out into the open) and we never said much of anything to one another. But just as I stretched out my hand to open the boss's study door, Itachi spoke up.

"Sasuke?" he said hesitantly, fixing me with an odd, intense look.

"What is it, onii-chan?" I said, taking care to be encouraging in case I broke whatever spell had been cast over the moment.

For a heartbeat, Itachi looked like he wanted desperately to tell me something and I stood there, willing him to open up for once in his goddamn life. As I was under the impression there was going to be some sort of breakthrough, naturally, I was disappointed when Itachi just stood there and stared at me. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, ruing the fact that I would have to do all the emotional legwork once again.

"Look," I said, "when you're ready to tell me, Itachi, I'm all ears. And if it comes to it, whatever you've done, I'll lie for you in court. Okay?"

True to form, my brother showed his gratefulness by extending one arm, followed by a middle finger, which he curled back, rested against his thumb to provide the required amount of potential energy before releasing and flicking it with some force against my forehead.

"Oww! Itachi, you prat! That's going to bruise!" I yelled angrily, massaging my poor forehead with the heel of my hand.

My protests fell upon deaf ears, however, as my idiot brother was already halfway down the corridor. For someone who is _clearly_ keeping a dark secret from his dearest, most concerned sibling, he is a downright brazen, cheeky git. Some things will never change, I suppose.

Grumbling and ruing the day Itachi had acquired that stupid personality quirk of his, I turned doorknob and stomped into the boss's study. This action directly preceded my second, surprise, quasi-confrontation of the day. Being utterly unprepared to see Sarutobi sitting there quite the thing on the brown leather sofa, smoking his pipe, I yelled with surprise and managed to knock over a small, plastic tub of paperclips and startle the kitten.

"Oh hello there, Sasuke-kun," Sarutobi said, greeting me in his deep, rumbling voice. "Did you have fun with Naruto in his Laser Room?"

"Errr... yes," I said, pretending I was not amused by Sarutobi's calling it a 'Laser Room'. Austin Powers, anyone? "But how did you know?"

Sarutobi chuckled and two great plumes of smoke curled out from his hairy, old man nostrils. "Orochimaru told me," he said, casting a fond look at the boss, who was lying, stretched out, on the rug in front of the fire (it looked as though the kitten had been chewing the ends of his hair again, because they were all tangled and slightly moist. I hope for the kitten's sake he does not notice). "He was beginning to worry about how much damage Naruto would do, particularly if he happened to destroy a supporting wall or drill into an electric cable."

I smiled. So the boss had been worrying. He is an excellent actor. I had been thoroughly taken in by his blasé, laid-back attitude towards the whole thing.

"He needn't have worried," I said in what I hoped was a reassuring manner. "It's mostly a paint job – though he might be restricted to wallpaper for the next decorating job. There's a lot of black paint, heh heh..."

Now, the reason I rounded off that sentence with a spate of nervous, tittering laughter was because I was suddenly burdened with the profound weight of epiphany. My mind flashed back to the boss's words as we sat earlier in this very room:

"_I guess you sort of see them as family?"_

"_Something like that..."_

Family.

Family.

Family. The word slipped insidiously into my mind and threatened to shut down my faculties of eloquence and charm and turn me into a gormless, spineless, sickeningly agreeable, potential son-in-law candidate. Not that I'm saying I have any aspirations whatsoever to get hitched (in fact I am _certain_ I shall never marry and I am settled on the matter), but you know what I mean. It began to feel like Meet the Parents, where Sarutobi was playing Robert de Niro to my Ben Stiller.

Sarutobi surveyed me along the length of his pipe with a glimmer of amusement in his eyes. For a prolonged moment, the only sounds were that of the boss muttering in his sleep and that of the cracking fire. Despite willing myself not to, my eyes found themselves riveted to the floor and I began to fidget with my fingers.

"Um... so," I began, desperate to break the silence, before Sarutobi interrupted me, raising his hand.

"Come over here, Sasuke, and sit down," he rumbled, patting the seat next to him. "I'd like to have a chat with you."

_Oh dear god... _

Here it comes, I thought. He's going to whip out the lie detector, strap me in, and ask me probing questions about my past.

"Sure thing!" I squeaked, sealing my doom as I sat down, being extra careful to ensure no part of my unworthy clothing brushed that of Mr Sarutobi's in case it angered him. "So what do you want to talk about?"

"Oh, nothing much," he replied all-too-casually, taking another puff from his pipe. "I just want to ask you a few questions."

_Please... I beg of you, whatever deity is looking down upon me at this moment... have pity upon my soul...  
_

"Then ask away!"

Sarutobi paused for a moment and fixed his knowing, searching, geriatric gaze upon me. I felt a shiver run down my spine despite the warmth of the fire, and wanted nothing more than to sprint out of the room and scream for Itachi to come and get rid of the socially observant old man who was tormenting me. But I knew in my heart of hearts I could not do that. If I was to stand any chance with the boss, I had to pass the Sarutobi test. Failing was not an option.

After a tense minute or so, Sarutobi exhaled a noxious cloud of pipe smoke and said frankly, "I want to know what your intentions are towards Orochimaru."

And suddenly, it was like a great weight had lifted from my shoulders. I knew the answer to this one, I said to myself, astonished at my good fortune. I could do this blindfolded at knifepoint. Here was me thinking I was going to be grilled on my ex-partners, my dodgy family, or whether I'd been unfaithful. This was good, and I knew exactly what I was going to say.

I smiled wryly and replied, "I'm afraid I've already had this talk with my uncle Madara today, so you'll forgive me if I sound a little exasperated, as I do dislike re-treading already familiar ground..."

"Go on."

"You may have observed me walking away in disgust from my dear uncle Madara earlier on in the day. This is because he congratulated me on having successfully managed to screw the boss after only four months of working here. He encouraged me to take everything I could get because he informed me, and I quote, that Orochimaru-sama is 'infatuated with me'. Now, I was rather offended by his remarks because they were so far-off it is ridiculous. I informed him, in no uncertain terms, that he was not qualified to speak for me because he knows nothing about me.

"If I was a cold, calculating gold-digging piece of scum, I would certainly not be able to put up with Orochimaru-sama's horrendous temper tantrums. He has thrown china at me, and I cannot begin to count how many times he has started fights with me over intensely trivial matters. He has physically attacked my best friend, he lives to insult my brother, he is a terrible sleeper and frequently keeps me up at night, and he makes his employees cry. He is spoiled, vindictive, vain, jealous and stiflingly authoritarian. Would you put up with all that if you didn't really like someone?"

Mr Sarutobi appeared to deliberate for a moment, before saying slowly, "I might if I were intent upon 'taking everything I could' from that someone."

I sighed deeply. This was not going well. What would it take to convince the old codger of the truth?

Turning to face Mr Sarutobi, I decided to address him frankness and honesty. It worked with most people, after all (except Itachi). "Look," I said, "I don't know what it will take to convince you. I didn't plan on coming here to Otogakure to hop into bed with the boss. He was the one who got me drunk and dragged me into bed. If Orochimaru-sama has told you anything at all about the shit we've been through in the name of our relationship, then you'll know I'm telling the truth. I'm sorry I can't be any more explicit than that, but it's true. I really do like him, Mr Sarutobi, I swear. Though, if I'm being completely honest, I want to strangle him a lot of the time, too..."

I trailed off under the weight of Sarutobi's gaze. It felt like his freakishly bright blue eyes were boring into my very soul, weighing it, sizing it up, to see whether it was found wanting. In the end, I suppose, I passed the test, as Mr Sarutobi's craggy, serious face broke into a wide smile. He began to chuckle and patted me on the back.

"As much truth as I have ever heard from one of Orochimaru's inamoratos," he said, his eyes glimmering with secret mirth as though sharing a private joke. "He has always been a handful," Sarutobi said, casting a fond look at the boss, who was being abused by the kitten once again. I don't know what it is. Perhaps the boss was the first person the kitten imprinted on, or maybe he exudes comforting kitten vibes – I do not know. I nudged it gently away with my foot, but it began clawing at my shoes.

"Even though he is no longer legally under my care, Sasuke, you must understand that I still take an interest in his well-being," Sarutobi went on. "Even though it pains me to say it, I must agree with your uncle on one matter. Orochimaru is rather fond of you, and if I thought for one moment that you were taking advantage, I would have to do terrible things to you. Do you understand me, Sasuke-kun?"

As my throat had tightened up somewhat, I uttered a sound that resembled 'meep' by way of affirmation, and followed this up with a fervent nod.

"Good boy," Sarutobi said, pushing himself to his feet with a grunt. "Now, I'll leave you two to it. I'm going down to see if those lot are still butchering old classics with that singing machine of Kiku's."

As he closed the door behind him, I wondered vaguely whether he'd had the same talk with Kiku, since the boss, Tsunade and I all originally had our doubts about her intentions, but I guess not. She's a girl. It's different for them. They can get pregnant.

Anyway, a few minutes later, I got bored sitting around the study with no one to talk to, so I deliberately set the kitten on the boss. He screamed when it licked his hand, and said he had no idea cats had such rough tongues. I made a smutty joke and we both laughed. That pretty much set the tone for the rest of the evening, as the boss locked the study door, sat the kitten outside, and things went on from there. We've just had a nice Christmas shag and the kitten has been let back in. He is playing with my shoelaces (god only knows why, he has screeds of silly cat toys, yet he appears to favour the boss's hair and my shoes).

Speaking of the sweet, fluffy one, after much deliberation, I have finally decided to name him Mallory. The boss approved of that name, saying that it lends him the gravitas his breed commands. I don't know about gravitas just yet (he skidded across a wet patch on the floor where the boss knocked over his wine glass and crashed into the wall – so cute), but I certainly think Mallory suits. Naruto has also supplied him with a secret name, known only to Naruto, Mallory and myself. It is "Mr Cuddles". I shall call him that in private, as per the tradition of secret names in which Naruto instructed me over the phone. He is playing Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles with Kabuto and Konohamaru and thanked me again for the present. I could hear the sounds of zombies being shot in the background and a triumphant "HA! GOT YOU, YOU WALKING SACK OF SHIT!" from Kabuto. Naruto has also informed me that he is intent on using his I.O.U. x1 Fun Day voucher, but that he will save it up for 'something really amazing, Sasuke, just you wait and see!"

I am dreading it already.

Ahhh...

Well, I suppose I should make an attempt to go downstairs and let everyone know I'm settled for the night, but, to be honest, I cannot be arsed. The fire is still warm and crackly, the kitten has fallen asleep on my lap and is purring away like a little, fluffy machine, and the boss is reading _Essays and Aphorisms_ (a gift from Tsunade) by Arthur Schopenhauer with one hand and is absently stroking my hair with the other. I don't know how he can read anything by that man without becoming horribly depressed. After being made to read his works for our philosophy class at the Academy, I stayed in bed for a _week_, unable to face the corrupt, irrational universe I apparently lived in. So much for Christmas cheer. But then again, if that's what makes the boss tick, who am I to argue?

I suppose it's been a good day overall, saving the unannounced arrival of my charming uncle Madara, of course. I will definitely have to talk to Itachi about that, but I guess it can wait until morning, because I intend to fall asleep on the boss and drool heavily upon his kimono. He'll be so furious - it'll be fantastic!

Night!

* * *

Author's Notes and stuff: 

Y hello thar, guyz. Long time no see. Writer's block descended on this chapter, big style. Luckily, I managed to get round it (and in time for Christmas, too) and now I have a new story arc into the bargain. I hope it was worth the wait...

In other news, for those of you who are reading the manga: where the hell is it going? Seriously. I hate it when authors use that tired old prophecy crap - the deus ex machina that ensures everything they've written before becomes obsolete, the one that covers their sorry arse when they realise they're not quite as good at character development as they thought. Ahem. Sorry about that. I really do like Naruto as a character, but - and listen to this, Kishi - you do not have to include a prophecy for your hero to have a turnaround in the ability stakes. Oh, and I really do not like Pain as a villain, either. Completely underdeveloped. Bah... Madara had better be good, otherwise all I will have to hope for is the return of Orochimaru. Did you see the anime? Gads, he's so creepy with his face torn off and Gen'yumaru's peeking out from underneath. Genius. I'm also looking forward to finally seeing the Epic Uchiha Bust-Up. I wonder who'll be opening the can of whoop ass in that one?

Anyway, I'd better stop jabbering away and get on with the thanks for the last chapter. I hope you guys are still reading, lol:

**Nozomi-sama** (Yes, Sakura was definitely the most sane person in the last chapter. She's is kind of like the rock that keeps Naruto and Sasuke tied to the ground. And you've got to have a bit of drama. Hence the intrigue that's going on with Madara...), **eerabbit** (Hee, I'm glad you agree. I'm always up for moar Sasuke torture! And yes, that was a typo. It originally read 'I was grateful to him for being a charitable bitch', but I changed it to 'charitably bitchy'. Well, that was my intention. I guess I only ended up half changing it. XD), **danniquinn** (I hope your nasal troubles have fixed themselves now, though it's been a while, so I guess you're all better now.I'm glad you liked the last chapter. I'm always worried in case new ones aren't funny enough, because I look back on the old ones and think, "Man, how did I do that!?" XD ), **Niver** (Oh, verily did I snort with laughter when I wrote the sexy dream scene - and Deidara's card. I'm so tempted just to offend someone so I can send them such a card. I loled at your response to Kimi. I love him too, but it seems like you're channeling Sasuke. And there will be more of Kimi in future, oh yes. He does not give up just like that), **Anilmathiel Greenleaf** (Ahhh... the drama, indeed. Sasuke's life is full of it. He is an Uchiha, after all, his chakra is cursed, so he will never be free of it. XD), **NaruGuru** (Oh, your reviews do make me smile! I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while and I hope this makes up for it. Lol, I'm glad you were all tense when Oro and Sasuke broke up - it's so what I was going for. And Nagato, too! Yes, he is a scary Mafiosa type. He has six brothers, all called Nagato, dontcha know? XD), **fiore777** (Yep. Good dream for Sasuke. Bet you wish you had a Being John Malkovitch style window into his filthy little mind:-P I'm so glad Oro is back in the anime, even though I know what's coming. I missed his creepy, death-defying ways. And my comments were far too long. I don't want to do a word count because I will shame myself. I'm supposed to be doing uni work, after all. Oh, and I've have written the Sasori spin-off. Still wondering what to do with it to make it actually good though, lol). **ArilianaFireQueen** (Yay! Hello there! Glad you liked Nagato and his mysteriousness. It's totally what I was going for, oh yes. Butterfingers sound rather lovely. Methinks I should order them online from a store that sells American stuff. I love peanut butter. Mmmm...), **hieilover135** (Yeah, it was pretty intense, that last chapter. Glad you still liked it, though. I figured that if it was absurd enough in places, people would still get a few laughs from it. Sasuke's reaction to the break up was pretty OTT, but I did it on purpose, honest. XD I think this is shaping up to be pretty long. At least forty chapters, so we're sort of just over the halfway point.) **natwel** (Hi again! Glad to see you're still reading and haven't lost all interest, lol. By grind, I mean 'the daily grind'. You know, just the usual working routine at uni: go into library, look at old manuscripts, take back books, pay fines, maybe go to a class, that sort of thing. I would love to publish an original novel one day. I have an epic idea, but I know it'll be years in the making, so I guess there's no rush. I have this in the meantime.), **SasukexXxSakura** (Hee, glad the random kiss did it for you. Cheers for the review, I really appreciate them. And I hope this chapter was okay:-) ) **zangatsubankai** (Yar! Thankye for the review! I loves a good swear in the right place, I does. Oh yes. Glad you like the story and hope you weren't waiting too long for this chapter.) **Juju138** (Yay! Another new reviewer! Oh, it doesn't matter whether you can advertise the fic at all. I'm not about that. I'm just really glad you took the time to review, is all. It rocks muchly when people do that. Cheers very much!) **missyserena214** (Hi again! Nice to see you around. My sympathies with the no internetz. It sucks when your connection is down. I never know what to do with myself, lol. Where would I be without random wikipedia adventures? XD) **Patrick** (Oh, I do so love your reviews. As for your fear that this fic will end in sweetness and light, all I can tell you is that you definitely don't have to worry on that score. Remember what happened in canon. And everything happens for a reason in this fic, too. When it matters most, things will come back to bite people, you may bet your life savings on it. Lol, Yoshimitsu's door-knocker punch is really irritating, isn't it? It's the move I always use when I'm feeling evil. Unless I'm playing a real Tekken expert, it never fails. And that would, indeed, be an awesome name for a band!) **chibibaka1** (Yay! Another new reviewer! Glad you found the story and decided to stick with it and review. The whole concept of the fic (i.e. putting the Naruto characters in a thoroughly modern context) was a bit of a worry for me at first, but it seems people have grown to like it, or see past it at least, so it's turned out all right in the end. Cheers for the review. They always make me smile. :-))

So... yup. A happy Christmas to those who celebrate it. I should wish a happy Hannukah and a wonderful Eid to those who celebrate those festivals, too.

Thanks for reading!


	27. Chapter 27

A Day in the Life

December 29th

Since the dizzying rush of Christmas, I can report, with a thankful heart, that the past few days have been blissfully uneventful. We have had a few invites to some New Year parties, and that has been the main subject of discussion. Naruto received a call from Gaara yesterday, inviting him to the party at his beach house on the Suna coast. As Naruto has no sense of discretion whatsoever, he asked if it would be okay if seven other people could come along. Gaara said that that would be fine. The boss wasn't convinced at first, and said that the only way he would even think about going was if there would be air-con. Gaara was still on the line, and Naruto relayed the boss's request. Gaara confirmed that there was air-con, and the boss waved a hand and said, "Very well then."

So we are going to Suna for some New Year sun. Unfortunately, I have been left in a bit of dilemma as far as Mallory is concerned. My initial plan was to have Mallory come along with us (he has had his rabies vaccination, and the company regularly flouts quarantine laws). However, it has come to my attention that Gaara owns a rather large bullmastiff that goes by the name of Boris. Naruto assures me that it is friendly, but I would like confirmation from Gaara first, before I put the life of my cuddly one on the line.

In other news, most of the non-resident members of the household have left, among them my brother, who caught a flight back to River Country with Kisame on the 27th. I am ashamed to say it, but I was quite sad to see him leave. Against all odds, one might think, I have grown used to his company, having spent more time with him since I started my job here at Otogakure than I ever did in all the years I was at Konoha-Suna.

Once again, the boss offered the use of his Rolls and he made the trip with me – which was uncharacteristically kind of him, I must say, considering the enmity he shares with my brother. When the time came to part at the boarding gate, my bottom lip started to feel a bit wibbly, so I crushed my brother in a hug in order to avert any potential embarrassment and pointing and sniggering from Kisame. Fortunately, he was too busy arguing with the flight attendant over the availability of extra leg-room seats, so I capitalised on the opportunity to tell my brother, most earnestly, to take care of himself and to punch Uncle Madara for me next time he saw him.

Itachi doesn't do physical contact, and as soon as my arms locked around his neck, I felt him cringing instinctively, but he tolerated it, which was surprising in its own way. The whole moment lasted but for a few seconds and then it was his turn to board. I don't know why, but I felt incredibly anxious about this, as though if I were to let Itachi slip from my grasp that something terrible would happen.

"Itachi," I said suddenly, reaching for anything that could delay the inevitable, "you'll think about coming at New Year, won't you? Deidara and Sasori will be there."

"I shall if I am able to get away, Sasuke," he said. "I will call you nearer the time to let you know."

And then he was gone.

As I said, I felt strangely morose about this, and my heart was not really in the game of laser tag Naruto made me play the minute I got back. Of course, the boss noticed (as he had managed to sneak up and shoot me several times without me noticing). Later on, when we were having a bite to eat in the dining room, he cornered me squarely about it and we had a chat. I told him that I was worried about my brother – especially so because he was going back to face our obnoxious Uncle Madara. The boss looked thoughtful for a moment, miso onigiri balanced upon a pair of chopsticks, before he offered the suggestion that he could help convince Itachi to come to Gaara's for the New Year. I asked him exactly how he could do it if I, his own flesh and blood, could not.

Suffice it to say, it involves a _teensy_ bit of scandal. Our being photographed by the press committing acts of gross indecency in a public place will definitely get page space in the daily rags (and will hence come to the attention of my overprotective brother). Initially, you might understand, I was a tad sceptical, and I raised my eyebrow at the boss and fixed him with an exasperated look. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realised that the boss is, in fact, a genius when it comes to the ruthless manipulation of other people. The one thing guaranteed to have my brother haring across countries, no expense spared, is the thought of the boss having his wicked way with me.

So the plan is to book a table at a restaurant in Konoha (there is nowhere in Otogakure that will satisfy the boss's stringent checklist for culinary perfection), fly there, do the business, and then fly back. Kabuto has graciously agreed to be the anonymous tip-off to the press. I thought he might be a bit bothered by it, since he is the most recent ex and I'm going to be cavorting with the boss for the benefit of Itachi via the press, so I mentioned this to him in passing over a slice of toast. Kabuto just shrugged, though, supremely unfazed, and said that he had already agreed to hook up with Deidara again at Gaara's. Jiraiya and Kiku are going to come with us (and brave the danger of Teuchi-san for the first time), while Naruto is only too happy to hang back at the compound with Sakura and Kabuto.

Everyone seems quite comfortable with the situation - which is rather odd, I admit - but I'm not complaining. Actually, I'm rather looking forward to being bad for a change, though a little nervous as well (after all, I do not exactly have the cleanest track record with the press). We're going to fly out tonight to the restaurant and back again before making the journey out to the Suna coast for the New Year party at Gaara's beach house. With any luck, the paparazzi should have their stories in print in time for the various morning editions and my brother will call me up just as I'm about to leave for Suna to let me know he shall be attending.

I must say that the boss is being very good about all this. Though I suppose the payoff for him is getting to grope me in public, so benefits extend to both parties. Not sure what Jiraiya and Kiku will get out of the experience, however. A free meal maybe? At any rate, I should get going. It's going to take me at _least_ an hour to decide what I'm going to wear (suit or kimono? And even then, which suit, which kimono? The possibilities are endless!)

If I have time tomorrow before the flight to Suna, I shall report back.

Fingers crossed for me!

December 30th

Oh. My. God.

I feel filthy, but last night was so much fun that I think I just might be willing to let it slide. The boss is lying next to me, yawning, groaning and nursing the hang-over from hell. I laugh heartily at his torment. It's his own damn fault for drinking all that wine. He hasn't seen the snaps yet, but I have the funniest feeling that before long, he'll be demanding a servant fetch him scissors so he can cut them out from the paper and put them in the photo album.

They are truly spectacular. If this doesn't send Itachi running, I don't know what will.

Different papers appear to have gone for different shots of the boss and I, though that is no surprise, since Kabuto did his job beautifully, ensuring that each of the main newspapers had their scavenging hordes ready and waiting outside Kitcho – the finest kaiseki restaurant in Konoha. Kitcho, in case you don't already know, is so incredibly posh that it does not take reservations without a prior introduction. It's more like a private members' club than a place to eat. Luckily for Kiku and I, the proprietors knew both Jiraiya and the boss personally, and our lowly, unintroduced presence was tolerated.

When we stepped off the plane at Konoha airport, the mood between the four of us was one of tangible excitement. Kiku was quite giggly, having somewhat lost her fear of eating in expensive restaurants due to her baptism of fire eating at the boss's table every night, and she was clinging to Jiraiya's arm for support, tottering through the airport towards the limo on a pair of three-inch heels. Jiraiya, I think, was simply happy to be back in Konoha, and he was cracking jokes left right and centre – making us all laugh until the tears came. The boss, of course, loves to show off and play up to the camera, and the thought of feeling me up in purpose in front of a hundred flashing camera bulbs, I believe, appealed to him on a deep and personal level. As for me, well, I was simply looking forward to a little pre-planned naughtiness for a change, instead of the accidental naughtiness that seems to plague every moment of my waking existence. Both will cause trouble, that is guaranteed, but it's so much less stressful when you know it's coming.

In the limo, it was much the same – us feeding off each others' excitement – except that Jiraiya found a bottle of champagne and insisted on cracking it open. Fine by me, I said, accepting a glass of bubbly and handing another to the boss. After all, a little bit of Dutch courage before the main event never did anyone any harm. By the time we pulled up at the kerb outside Kitcho, we were in hysterics. Jiraiya had just told us a fabulous joke about an actress and a gay bishop, and Kiku was laughing so hard, that she had to jam both index fingers underneath her eyelids to stop her mascara running. Through the tinted windows, we could make out the aggressive sounds of general press-related commotion and the flashing of cameras. Then the door to the limo was opened.

Most of the shots the press managed to get were of the four of us standing outside the restaurant. Astonishingly, Kiku and Jiraiya were the ones who behaved with proper decorum, though there really wasn't much room for comparison, because as soon as I emerged from the limo, the boss spun me round, dragged me towards him and stuck his tongue down my throat. Having been half-blinded by chattering flashbulbs, I wasn't quite ready for such a full-on, glossal intrusion and I accidentally coughed in his mouth. Fortunately, I recovered myself in admirable fashion and, in retaliation, I clamped both my hands on the boss's backside and squeezed. While Jiraiya and Kiku stood there, arms round each others' waists, waving and smiling at the press, the boss and I were just about hitting second base. People were wolf-whistling.

Dinner itself was fantastic. Really. It was like nothing I have experience before. If I were to sum it up in a single sentence it would be "no-holds-barred hospitality – pure and simple." Before dinner, we were directed into a gorgeous antechamber where we were plied with ice-cold umeshu. A maid arrived shortly after to direct us to our private room, where we met Yuki-san, the middle-aged female proprietor who served as hostess and director of our feast. The food – oh god, the food! - was spectacular. Eleven courses were served in all, and the delicious, indelible memory of each will stay with me to the grave. My favourite, though, was definitely the sashimi course: a couplet of fatty tuna, two slices of succulent sea bass and a torigami clam on crushed ice, served not on priceless china, but on a dewy lotus leaf, its delicate leaves unfurling to reveal the mouth-watering contents within. I don't mind telling you that I had to suppress a few orgasms.

I feared we might have encountered a few problems with Kiku, as she's a bit fussy when it comes to food (she was brought up in a rough area of Konoha where a KFC bargain bucket with corn-cob sides was thought to cover all the major food groups). Yet again, she surprised me. I know for a fact that she doesn't like raw fish, but in order not to embarrass Jiraiya, she steeled herself and chowed down on the lot. The boss was obviously pleased with her too, and he said so, remarking upon what he viewed as a positive change in her attitude, paying her this brief, passing compliment before sampling his grilled oysters. Kiku grinned like she'd won the lottery. I'm guessing that she has finally passed the Orochimaru test. I'm happy for her – I really am. Being naturally charming as I am, it's been an easy ride for me, winning over the boss's best friends. Not so for Kiku, alas. Yes, she may have had to work a little harder, but that hard work has paid off. She managed to win Tsunade over at Christmas, and I think she has _finally_ managed to meet the boss's high standards for significant others. Maybe now the boss won't sneer at her any longer when she pronounces certain words incorrectly, or when she eats her food in the wrong order. I can but hope.

By the time the final course rolled around, we were all quite content and chatting away happily to one another. A few more servings of sake, and we were left to our own devices until the boss decided it was time to make a move. There were still a fair few paparazzi loitering outside, but most of the hardcore journalists had left, having got what they wanted. We didn't stop to humour them this time, and headed straight for the limo.

When we were loitering around on the runway, waiting to board the plane, I asked Kiku for my iPhone which she had kindly agreed to put in her clutch bag for safe-keeping during dinner. She handed it over. There were twelve missed calls from Naruto. I hardly even had time to roll my eyes before my phone rang again. Of course, it was Naruto, and he was yelling so loudly the first time round that it actually made my ears ring. After having admonished Naruto and turned down the volume on my phone, we had the following exchange.

Naruto: "YOU'RE ON THE INTERNET!"

Me: "What?"

Naruto: "YOU'RE ON THE INTERNET, SASUKE!!"

Me: "Yes, I heard you. I meant 'what do you mean, on the internet?'"

(interlude consisting of Sakura whispering something inaudible and the clicking of a mouse button in the background.)

Naruto: "YOU'RE— what? yeah, he's here just now, I'm talking to him— YEAH, KABUTO AND SAKURA-CHAN SAY YOU'RE IN THE ONION, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. THERE'S A PICTURE OF YOU AND ORO."

Me: "Oh god. Not The Onion..."

Naruto: "YEAH. THE ONION. THERE'S A PICTURE OF YOU AND ORO GETTING FREAKY NEXT TO A TREE IN A POT, AND IT SAYS "OTO-KAGE'S LATEST INVESTMENT."

Me: "...christ."

Naruto: "OH! WAIT! KABUTO'S JUST WENT ONTO THE DAILY BLAB WEBSITE..."

Me: "And?"

Naruto: "... OH MY GOD!! I CAN SEE TONGUE!!"

At that point, Naruto succumbed to a giggle fit and I hung up, torn between grinning like a lunatic and rolling my eyes in disgust. It seemed that the initial part of the boss's plan had went off without a hitch, and now that _The Onion_ was onto the story, there was no way Itachi wouldn't hear of it. Kakuzu subscribes to both the online and the print versions, and he will take any chance he can get to humiliate and make miserable the life of another human being. He will tell Itachi. It is inevitable. All I have to do now is sit back and wait for the phone call. It hasn't come yet, but it's still early and Itachi always does half the work for that company, anyway, so he'll be busy.

The most surprising outcome of this whole exercise in media manipulation, however, is that some of them seem to have latched on to Kiku. On the front page of the _Konoha Mail_, they have opted to run for the headline: "JIRAIYA'S MYSTERY BLONDE" followed by a shot of Kiku in her full-length ivory-coloured dress. The _Mizu Star_ have run with: "WHO IS THE BLONDE, JIRAIYA?" and the rest of the tabloids are variations on that theme. I suppose I must concede that she can be quite photogenic...

If all goes to plan, we should be leaving for Suna in a couple of hours. I'm crossing my fingers that the boss's sordid scheme bears fruit, because if I have embarrassed myself for nothing, I swear I will deny him sex for at least a week.

On the upside, I have just received the following e-mail from Gaara:

----

From: "Gaara" (seekingserotonin at konoha-suna dot org)

To: "Uchiha Sasuke" (practicallyperfectineveryway at otogakure-enterprises dot org)

Subject: Kitten.

Sasuke,

You can bring Mallory. Boris is quite friendly. If things don't work out, then we can always keep the kitten in your room.

Will see you soon.

Gaara.

----

It's official. I shall have to pack Mallory along with my beach clothes. For a minute there, I was worried I would have to leave him behind with some inept member of the house staff, but now I will be able to sleep easily while I'm at Gaara's, knowing my kitty is receiving due care, attention and snuggles.

Better wrap this up for now. Beach towels, flip-flops and sunshades are begging to be stuffed haphazardly into a suitcase, and I only have about an hour to do it.

LATER:

At this very moment, I am sitting on the boss's private jet with Naruto, Sakura, Kabuto, Jiraiya, Kiku and the boss. We are about two hours away from our destination, and I have just received the following e-mail:

----

From: "Uchiha Itachi" (amaterasu-sharingan at akatsuki dot org)

To: "Uchiha Sasuke" (practicallyperfectineveryway at otogakure-enterprises dot org)

Subject: New Year

Sasuke,

A quick note to let you know I shall be attending, even though I am extremely busy and will have to pay through the nose for a last minute flight. I will speak to you about your conduct in Konoha forthwith.

Itachi.

----

Success.

I am feeling so smug right now, you have no idea. I have just shown the e-mail to the boss, and he smiled in a self-satisfied manner and said, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, "Oh ye of little faith, Sasuke-kun. I did tell you it would work, did I not?"

In response, my jaw did drop in righteous indignation and I replied that I did, in fact, have faith because if I had not had faith, then there would have been no way in hell I would have agreed to his perverted, harebrained scheme in the first place.

"Whatever you say, Sasuke-kun," the boss said airily, before turning back to his book.

Despite his irritating level of conceit, I am feeling rather well-disposed towards the boss at the moment. To show this, I have been squeezing up against him, flipping the pages of his book when he's trying to concentrate, prodding him in the ribs, tugging his hair, and being generally distracting. He keeps saying, "Enough, Sasuke-kun," but every time he lets his guard down, I'm right back in there. It's hilarious fun and undoubtedly the best way to pass time on a long haul flight.

I'm really looking forward to this trip now. Sun, sea, sand and (hopefully) some hot sex in a big, airy room with white, billowing, cotton curtains and a sea view. And my brother. But not in the same sentence. On no account are those two sentences to be run together. I think that would be the end of Itachi, if that were to happen.

LATER:

We have all arrived at Gaara's, safe and sound – including Mallory. Against all expectations, there have been no kitty-related violent deaths to record. Boris the bullmastiff has really taken to my little Mallory, and after the initial cautious introductory sniffing and circling of one another, Mallory decided to cut short the preamble and clawed Boris on the nose. Boris, I suppose, took this as a sign of valour on the part of my little kitty (because, let's face it, if the big, hulking lump of a dog wanted to end him, all it would have to do would be to clamp its jaws around his fragile frame and shake) and it has tolerated all the subsequent pouncing, surprise attacks, tail-pulling and ear-gnawing with great dignity and patience. Even though Mallory is not allowed outside, I am sure the two will remain good friends throughout the duration of our stay.

The same, I fear, might not be able to be said about the human occupants of the house. Deidara was lying in wait for us when we arrived, and as soon as the boss and I stepped foot through the door, he was laughing and jeering and waving a copy of the Suna Inquirer and a print out of The Onion in our faces. The boss was not in the mood for teasing, as he moaned the face off me the _whole_ car journey because he was too hot ("Sasuke-kun, it is too hot! I am melting! I swear I am melting, and this weather is ridiculous! How anyone can survive here, I cannot fathom— and don't you dare smirk at me!") The boss extended his arm, placed his palm over Deidara's face and shoved him out of the way. Unfazed, Deidara cackled with glee at the boss's reaction and pranced around us all the way into the kitchen, where the others were still having breakfast (at one in the afternoon, I might add, the lazy sods).

"They're here, they're here!" he sung, as several familiar faces turned round to see what all the commotion was about.

Sitting around the table, variously picking at fruit, munching away at cereal and smoking were: Gaara, his brother Kankurou, his sister Temari, Sasori (smoking), old lady Chiyo (also smoking) and her brother Ebizou. Boris, the wall of muscle in the shape of a dog, was making short work of a hide chew under the table. He looked up at us and barked eagerly. The others raised their hands and said "hi", more interested in their breakfast than anything else, but old lady Chiyo looked at the boss with a mischievous glint in her eye and came over to give him a welcome hug.

"Oro-chan," she said, standing on her tiptoes so she could stretch up and pinch him on both cheeks. "I see from this morning's papers that you are in perfect health and up to your old tricks again?"

She flashed me a wicked, sidelong grin, and I blushed so hard that I felt the urgent need to pretend that I was interested in my luggage. Seriously. What is it about old people and their power to make you feel acutely embarrassed with a well-timed, subtly smutty remark? Old lady Chiyo and Sarutobi are the worst for it, I swear, and I'm sure that if Ebizou is anything like his sister, then he'll be making my face turn scarlet at some point during the proceedings.

In response, the boss murmured something that might have been rude, I don't know, because at that point Gaara came over to greet us and shake our hands.

"Sasuke," he said, inclining his head. "Glad you have you here."

"Thank you for inviting us," I said, flashing my winning, most sincere Uchiha smile.

"Your brother will be joining us tomorrow at some point?"

"Oh yes. He's flying out early tomorrow morning. He should arrive round about ten in the morning, if there are no delays."

Gaara nodded courteously, before turning his attentions to the boss. Holding out his hand, he smiled slightly and said, "Orochimaru-sama. It is an honour."

The memory of what happened next will stay with me to the grave – possibly even beyond if there is indeed an afterlife in which one may be further tormented.

Accepting Gaara's outstretched hand, the boss stared down his nose at him with narrowed eyes, looking as though he was trying to remember something important. Then he uttered the immortal words:

"Gaara. That's a rather odd name you have there: "self-loving demon". Does that indicate, by any chance, that you are a chronic masturbator?"

A shocked silence fell. Spoons clattered into cereal bowls and hands paused on the way to helping themselves to another slice of mango. My own hand reached to cover my mouth in shock, and I was just about ready to lift my suitcase and head back to Otogakure when the room erupted.

The Suna crowd plus Deidara descended into fits of hysterical laughter, and Jiraiya, Kiku and Naruto soon added to their ranks.

"Oh my god," Kankurou choked out, wiping the tears from his eyes. "I can't breathe... I can't breathe."

All the while, the boss was looking around the room, puzzled as to why such an innocent remark (in his eyes) had caused such an uproar. He looked at me and shrugged as if to say, "What is that all about?" I gave him a warning look, and turned round, about to apologise to Gaara for the boss's rudeness, when Gaara smiled and said, "No, Orochimaru-sama. It does not. I'm sure someone will fill you in on the story later, but right now, I will show you to your room."

The boss shrugged his shoulders by way of assent, and he swept away after Gaara. As I followed on behind, I could still hear everyone laughing in the kitchen. Ebizou was thumping on the table with his fists, chortling away, and I am sure I heard Sasori snort.

God, the boss. I could kill him, I really could. We've only been here five minutes and already he has made blithe, tactless remarks that could – if Gaara wasn't on his medication – have resulted in us being sent packing back to Otogakure in disgrace.

I really hope I don't have to spend the weekend playing damage control for the boss, because that way, madness and stress induced headaches lie.

LATER:

All is well for the moment. Everyone is out here on the beach, going about their business. Deidara has dragged Kabuto off to pose on a rock because, apparently, since their sordid night at the motel, he keeps having sexy dreams about him and wishes to re-create one particular dream in which he sketches him in charcoal and then pounces. Kabuto pretended to think about Deidara's proposal for a moment before he smiled and said, "where do you want me?"

Deprived of Deidara, Sasori has taken to building sandcastles. I say "building sandcastles" when what he is doing is really more akin to sculpture - constructing world famous and beautiful structures in intricate detail. Currently, he's working on a faithful reconstruction of the Hachimata shrine in Otogakure. It's rather impressive. Naruto offered to help him by bringing him wet sand, but Sasori yelled at him, saying he was "breaking his concentration", and threw a bucket at his head, so he has resorted to playing volleyball with Sakura, Temari and Kankurou.

Jiraiya and Kiku are in the sea, splashing each other in the water and generally acting like children. He keeps picking her up by the waist and spinning her around, making her shriek with delight. This has resulted in Kankurou being beaten about the head by Temari for not being able to concentrate on his game. He keeps turning round to stare at Kiku. This is probably because she is wearing (read: falling out of) a white bikini, and because beads of fresh, cool salt water are clinging to her spectacularly tanned skin and golden hair. I suppose he has seen the articles in the tabloids and thinks himself extraordinarily lucky that the "mystery blonde" has come into his midst, even though she's already obviously taken. Ebizou seems to be of a similar mindset, and keeps peering at her from over his book and saying things under his breath like, "Lucky dog."

Now that everyone is happy, and that no one has thrown any punches (as of yet), I can finally relax. The Suna coast is a very pretty, very tranquil place with palm trees galore, which is why, I suppose, it is such a popular holiday destination. I must say, though, it is stiflingly hot here – almost rounding the forty degrees Celsius mark yesterday – and having spent most of my waking existence underground for the past few months in wintry Otogakure, I am finding it a little difficult to get used to the weather. My superior Uchiha genes, however, have seen it fit to bestow upon me the gift of tanning without burning, and so I am writing this entry while reclining on a sun-lounger with the aid of factor fifteen sunscreen and a pair of Oakleys. Itachi, who shares fifty percent of my genetic makeup, is similarly fortunate, and thus, when he turns up, will be able to participate in volleyball matches without worrying too much about turning an unflattering shade of lobster.

The boss, alas, is not quite so blessed. His parents, you see, are not actually from Konoha. They're from Otogakure – the arse end of Otogakure, to be precise - where the temperature regularly dips below freezing in winter, and never rises about fifteen in summer. Hence the boss's predicament. He appears to have inherited his parents' chalk-white skin, and cannot be in the sun for any length of time without frying to a crisp. When he stepped out of the plane earlier on, and I'm telling you the truth, I could not look directly at him, such was the intensity of the pasty skin glare. Currently, he is sitting up on the sun-lounger next to mine, shaded by a large parasol and draped in a loose-fitting, black yukata (the nearest compromise he will make to informal dress, despite the weather). There are also two solar-powered fans blasting cool air in his general direction, fetched from inside by Temari because he had a minor strop about half an hour ago. This involved him throwing his book down in the sand, folding his arms petulantly, and moaning (at considerable length) about the general hotness of the Suna coast and how he could not concentrate on his reading.

When Chiyo snidely remarked that if the boss wanted somewhere cooler, he could always go lock himself in the big freezer, the boss turned round and snapped, "Fine then", before he flounced off to the house in a heat-induced huff. Ten minutes later, Gaara surfaced with his fishing gear, and we asked if he had seen the boss. He said no, and Chiyo and I both turned to one another with knowing and exasperated looks in our eyes. Our suspicions proved correct, as it turned out that the boss was, indeed, in the freezer (mainly to spite Chiyo) and it took us fifteen minutes to coax him out with soothing noises and promises of fans and ice-cold drinks.

Thankfully, he seems quite content now (as everyone here knows: the only way one can have peace and equilibrium when Orochimaru is around is to keep him happy and let him have his way – both mutually dependent conditions, I might add). This can only be a good thing, as I can now confidently leave him in Chiyo's capable hands without worrying he will cause further chaos, for Gaara has asked me if I would like to go fishing with him. He's setting up on the little jetty further down the beach, and I've to come join him when he has finished.

I suppose I should tell you a little bit about Gaara.

Now, personally, I don't know him that well, being able to count the times I've met him over the years on one hand. He's Naruto's friend, really, and has been ever since Naruto talked him down from jumping off the cliffs at The Valley of the End. I remember that moment particularly well because I was woken up at one in the morning by Naruto saying he was at the hospital and asking if I could come and pick him up. Naturally, I got the wrong end of the stick, thinking that something awful had happened to my best friend, so I drove like a madman up to the Konoha Infirmary, only to find that Naruto standing there, in perfect health, with Gaara. Immediately, Naruto announced that Gaara was going to stay over at our place, and so it came to pass that I spent the rest of the night lounging around on the battered old sofa, nursing a mug of coffee and listening to Gaara telling his life story. It was rather interesting, though not in a pleasant sort of way.

In that night, I learned that Gaara had experienced a somewhat troubled childhood. Kicked in the teeth by fate from the beginning, his mother died giving birth to him - something which, at the best of times, is never going to be good for boosting one's sense of self-esteem. However, she was a little bit pissed off at dying for the sake of her son, and hence the heinous bitch gave him his rather curious (and cruel) name. Not content with that, fate dealt Gaara another blow in the form of the fact that, despite having two older siblings, Gaara was the one who was to bear the brunt of his father's mercurial moods. Not to put a finer spin on things: he was abused. It was mainly psychological, though, and because his father was top brass at Suna Corp. before the merger, the social work department never really did anything about it. On top of that, when Gaara was still little, his uncle Yashamaru – the only person he really felt he could connect with – admitted he resented Gaara's very existence because his beloved sister gave her life for him.

Unsurprisingly, this lead to Gaara feeling that no one in the entire world cared for him. In consequence, he suffered from rather severe depression and anger issues, which eventually drove him round the bend to such an extent that it led him to carve the character for "love" onto his forehead with a compass one day at a board meeting. The board of directors suspended him for a while, granting him compassionate leave. Unfortunately, Gaara took this as another insult, which led to him travelling to Konoha and... well... seeking a way out, so to speak, and thus bringing our story full-circle.

Since the failed suicide attempt, he has been prescribed anti-depressants and has been having regular therapy sessions with Neji, the company shrink. Talking to Temari and Kankurou about his issues has helped too, I would hazard to say, and he still chats to Naruto once a week on the phone. He's really improved since the last time I saw him, and this is reflected in his taste in music. Before he tried to jump off the cliff in Konoha, he only ever listened to obscure black metal bands. Now, with care and attention from his family and widening circle of friends, his taste has gradually widened to accommodate power metal and nu-metal. He has even invested in an acoustic guitar, which, I have been told by Kankurou, he is getting really good at.

But I'd better get going. Gaara's just appeared round the corner and he's waving to me. Will write later!

LATER:

Hee! I caught a flounder on my first ever fishing trip! Granted, Gaara caught seven, including two red snappers and Naruto caught three, but they're experienced fishermen. Jiraiya has demanded we have a beach barbie tonight, with the fish as the main course. Everyone is up for that, so it looks like we'll be dining al fresco tonight. Hopefully, it'll cheer up the boss, because is sporting a freshly blooming black eye, courtesy of being spanked in the face by a stray volleyball. When I asked Kabuto what happened, he informed me that the boss went off on one, big-style (no surprise there), marched over to the guilty, shuffling participants and demanded to know who was responsible. Eventually, Kankurou confessed (mistake), and despite apologising, he was dragged ignominiously by the hair towards the open ocean, where the boss proceeded to exact retribution by holding his head under water and screaming obscenities at him. Thankfully, Ebizou and Chiyo intervened and no one drowned. The boss has let me look at the bruise, and it's not too bad. He'll just have to apply a little more make up than usual to cover it up.

The fishing trip itself was a little more involved than merely catching fish. As anyone who has even been on one of these excursions, you will know that there is a lot of time waiting in between. But a year ago, the prospect of sitting for hours in a boat with Gaara would have been an experience marked by long, excruciating silences. Not so now, for although he is still terribly introverted, he is no longer plagued by personal demons, and, as such, has become quite pleasant to talk to.

After about half an hour in Gaara's little boat listening to Naruto chattering on about "immensely, freaking AWESOME" his laser tag room was, there was a short pause in the conversation as Naruto eventually decided he would need to draw breath. Such a rare opportunities where Naruto is concerned are like gold dust, so I pounced upon it and changed the subject.

"Thank you so much for letting us tag along, Gaara," I said, feeling the boat bobbing gently upon the rippling surface of the Suna sea. "I know Naruto put you in a bit of a position when you phoned to invite him."

"It's quite alright, Sasuke," he replied earnestly. "I knew that I might have to make space for a few extra people, since he's been living with you for so long. And as Naruto considers you his best friend, I knew that if I invited him, I would have to invite you; and if I invited you, I would have to extend that invitation to Orochimaru-sama, and so on, and so forth.

"Speaking of, though," Gaara said suddenly, looking as though the proverbial light bulb had flickered on in his mind, "did you and Chiyo-baa manage to find him?"

"He was in the freezer," I said weakly. "But look, I'm really sorry about him. He can be a bit like that, sometimes."

"Yeah, a bit mental..." Naruto interjected with a snigger.

"I know," Gaara said thoughtfully, ignoring Naruto and giving his fishing rod an experimental tug to check if there was anything on the line. "I have heard a few stories about him. Mainly from Sasori, because he was partnered with him at Akatsuki, but a couple from Deidara, and from Chiyo-baa too."

Inwardly, I cringed and performed a mental facepalm. No tell-all tales from any of the mouths of those individuals would have cast the boss in a flattering light. I braced myself for the worst, and made my best attempt at smoothing things over.

"Well, he can be quite wilful at times, but when you get him in a good mood, he is very good company."

"I don't doubt that, Sasuke," Gaara replied, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "That is one of the things I have been told. The stories weren't all bad."

I grinned, more out of relief than any other emotion because I knew that it wouldn't become my weekend's occupation to justify the boss's mood swings to a host that never really wanted him there in the first place.

"In fact," Gaara added, "I've been wanting to meet him for quite a long time. To thank him."

"Eh?" Naruto said, his brow rumpled in puzzlement. "What for?"

For a moment, Gaara fell silent, appearing to contemplate the horizon as he sought for the words that would adequately express his feelings. Then he smiled that strange, little smile again and replied, "This may sound odd to both of you, but at a New Year party in Konoha many years ago, Orochimaru-sama had an altercation with my father at a bar and punched him so hard in the face that he had to have surgery to retrieve all the shards of broken bone. They were business rivals, back then – much as I am with him now – but anyone who could inspire such a jealous hatred in my father, and who would dare to treat him with such casual contempt, I admire - and I would like to thank him for it."

A prolonged silence fell, during which Naruto and I cast nervous glances at one another. Nothing needed to be said. Our eyes spoke volumes, and they said, "Okaaaaaaay..."

It seemed I was wrong about Gaara having completely turned it around, but at least he was using his intensity of feeling for something positive. The brief flash of the old Gaara brought out the nervous, tittering laughter in both of us, however, as we sought to reassure him, the thought of being the cause of a possible second suicide attempt lying heavily on our minds:

"That's cool, Gaara. I'm totally with you on that, seriously, dude..."

"No, no, of course it's not odd! Given your situation and your relationship with your father, I completely understand. Not odd in the slightest!"

Mercifully, Gaara appeared placated by our lies, and the distraction caused by Naruto's first catch of the day prevented us from venturing further down the road to conversational hell. As Gaara and Naruto worked together to reel in a recalcitrant red snapper (with a lot more grunting than I felt was strictly necessary), I wondered how the boss would react to Gaara's admiration of him. Knowing the boss, he would probably go through the stages of surprise, then amusement, before rounding it all off by patting Gaara on the head in a patronising manner and walking off to find a glass of champagne. Moreover, I wonder that Gaara is still willing to give the boss the benefit of the doubt at all, with that 'masturbator' crack back at the house.

Oh well. At least no one is feuding. That in itself is a blessing – one I should be thankful for. And I had better be going. The boss is looming over me and pointing at his eye. I think he wants me to judge how well he has managed to cover up the black swelling. Honestly, I don't know what he's moaning about. He's wearing purple, for goodness' sake! It's the same colour as the bruise!

* * *

Hello there. Me again. Hope you guys had a good Christmas/Hannukah/Eid and at least a passable new year (if you follow the Gregorian calendar, of course - the rest of you still have it to look forward to).

Hope you weren't waiting too long for this chapter and that you like the change of scene. They were all getting far too comfortable in Otogakure, so loading them on a plane and packing them off to Suna to meet some new people seemed like a great idea.

Some drama coming up in the next installment, though, and there's a teeny clue as to what might happen a couple of chapters back. One hundred points to the Hogwarts house of your choice if you can guess.

Now on with the thank-yous!

**Nozomi-sama** (Hi again! I agree with you on the Christmas thing. It gets less and less exciting as you get older and you have to worry about buying presents and organising things. Glad you hate Madara, though. It was exactly what I was going for. I think Sasuke might have wanted to throw his soda over him too. XD) **Niver** (Oh yes... more Kimi. And the moment of truth is closer than Sasuke thinks. XD Oh god, Jiraiya, though. I am so sad that Kishi made him into a plot device. I'm just holding out hope for him living on in Naruto.) **NaruGuru** (Hee, so glad you were stoked to find the last update. Hope you guys both like this one. If you named your first cat Mallory, that would be the most squee-worthy thing ever. :-) I'm loving that people hate Madara - that is exactly what I was going for with him, a sort of charming dilettante with a ruthless streak (and your angry letter faces comment made me lol hard XD). **chibibaka** (Oh god, I kept laughing as I was writing that bit with the nuzzling Oro - and when Sarutobi was interrogating Sasuke. It is pretty hard to keep everyone in basic character, because I'm always so tempted to turn them into little mini-Sasukes (disregarding canon-wise). It's getting pretty hard to incorporate the new characters, because one big twist could pretty much ruin my storyline. I just hope Kishi doesn't reveal to us that Itachi is blind or anything, otherwise he'll have to have an accident, or something, lol.)** Dragon77** (Hello thar:-) Glad you liked the last update. I'll try my best to update quickly, but I'm a bit irregular on that front. Hope you liked this chapter!)

**fiore777** (I swear it was you who gave me the idea of getting Sasuke a kitten. Maybe you said something over on Narutoforums? Ah well, it was you who inspired that anyway - and you got me off the hook with it, because I was racking my brains for ages trying to think of what Oro would get Sasuke. Oh, the hairy angel thing. I sniggered when I wrote that. I can't believe I still laugh like a loon while I'm writing this. Must make a mental note to get a life some time. XD Glad you like my portrayal of Madara. It took me ages to decide how to write him, too. I hope canon doesn't go and contradict me.) **ChibiKeimei** (Don't worry about not reviewing chapter twenty-five. People come and go and sometimes are too busy to review. That's cool. You got round to the last one. :-) I'm relieved that people liked Oro's reaction to Snakey, because I had built it up so much that I was worried it would fall flat. Glad you liked my not-so-subtle shoving in of Madara (I was a bit worried about that too) and the questioning. You're right, it could have been so much worse for Sasuke, but Sarutobi is a lovely man and he wouldn't do that to the poor, little Uchiha chick.) **Zinjah** (Happy New Year to you, sirrah! I'm quite touched that you are concerned for the welfare of Mallory. Orochimaru didn't keep him in the box the whole time, but he went to pick him up and squirreled him away into a room that wasn't used to keep Sasuke from knowing. The whole first hokage fitting in thing, well, do you mean canon-wise or in this story? If it's the latter, I haven't quite worked it out in my head yet. Mainly because the idea of Madara still living in canon is so far-fetched that it makes it difficult for me. I think I'll have to juggle the ages of the characters about a bit. Oh, and that last comment of yours had me rolling on the floor. That is so quotable. XD)

**ArilianaFireQueen** (Hi again! Oh, how I wish I still had your enthusiasm for Christmas. I woke up at about 1:30pm and wandered downstairs, opened presents, only to discover that all my relatives would be arriving at 3:00 and nothing had been started for Christmas dinner. It was a bit hectic. I think Itachi does need a hug. Not that he would ever admit it, though. XD) **danniquinn** (Bloody hell, that must be the longest bleed in nosebleed history! Just kidding. :-) Oh gods, the fun we could have imagining various Naruto characters singing various karaoke classics! My Humps would be perfect for Tsunade... :3 Glad you liked the chapter, though. It took me ages to decide where I wanted to go with it, so... yeah... relief, lol.) **hieilover135** (You're not far off with your drama prediction. It'll be the next chapter where things will get complicated. As for games, yeah I like those sorts of games. DDR is a classic. My favourites are story-based games, though, (Legacy of Kain, Elder Scrolls, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts) and horror games (Resident Evil, Silent Hill). I'm partial to Tekken (have loved it ever since the first one came out) and the odd sports game (not football!) But yeah, glad you liked the last chapter. Hope this one did it for you!) **Patrick** (Hello again! Yes, you are right. The story is only halfway done, so I'm going to have to get a move on and get round to the time-skip to the summer that I've been planning for ages. Oh, so many ideas and so little time! I'm so glad you liked Madara's cameo, though. I was really worried about that, as I knew I had to put him in somewhere - I just didn't know where, when and what sort of character he would have (I mean, what do we have to go on in canon? A couple of panels?) And thank you for your kind, refined taste in awesome compliment! I do so love Laser Tag (they closed the one nearest to me a few years back and I was gutted - despite the fact that it was a bit of a dump and the floors were so sticky you had to tie your shoes on extra tight lest you lost them). I envy Naruto's room. XD I have the Hyuugas pretty much worked out. Neji has changed occupation since I started the fic from head of IT (now Shino's job) to the company psychiatrist. He will definitely make an appearance after the timeskip. :-))

**missyserena214** (Hee, thankye. I was a bit worried about it, but I guess I shouldn't have been. Cheers for the review!) **SasukexXxSakura** (I'm so glad everyone's taken to Mallory. There seems to be a few bad cases of feline-related envy going about. Thanks for reviewing:-)) **Cantare** (Hi there! I must say I've never really seen the Office either. I'm not sure where you're from, but I cannot stand Ricky Gervais, the guy who plays David Brent in the version we get over here, smug, arrogant git that he is. So I haven't watched it. Maybe it is kind of like it, though, except a bit more melodramatic, lol. Glad you like my characterisations. I always try to keep them in basic (read: very basic) canon, so that nothing is too removed from the real Narutoverse. But, oh my god, your Shikamaru idea is just fantastic. It would make an excellent spin-off!) **hi** (To be honest, I'm not so keen on Madara or Pain myself and I'm having to restrain myself from ranting about them right at this minute, but for some reason, my brain keeps telling me I have to sort of follow canon. Since they've shown up, well, I guess I have to slot them in somewhere. Don't worry, though, they won't be showing up a whole lot.) **OroGirl21** (Hee! I'm so glad you like the fic, and thanks very much for the compliments. Deidara is such fun to write, mainly because he truly has no fear. He just says what he thinks and is a total wild child. I love him to bits. He's such fun. The 'fill them with dead things' part, oh god, I still get the giggles thinking about it, and I wrote the damn thing! XD) **skytten** (First off, that's a really cool screen name. Is that the Norwegian/Swedish word for Sagittarius? It sounds vaguely familiar. Second, to answer your question about Oro, Sasuke and Itachi. You have pretty much nailed the reason why Sasuke doesn't realise Oro is in love with him, although there is also the fact that Sasuke always believes he is right, and he seems to have formed an impression of his boss (that Oro is vain, shallow, etc) and believes Oro will not allow himself to love him. As far as Sasuke and Itachi, it's a mixture of the two: you are right in that Itachi does care for Sasuke very much, but he, like Sasuke, always believes he is right and thinks that Sasuke should do what he wants him to do (Itachi's way being the One True Way, of course). In Itachi's view, being able to manipulate his little brother is a way of protecting him and keeping him on the One True Way, if you get what I mean.)


	28. Chapter 28

A Day in the Life

* * *

AN: One-hundred points go to Niver, ArilianaFireQueen and skytten. Bit more trauma in this one, but hope you guys like it.

* * *

December 30st

LATER:

As of right now, I am ready for war.

Would you like to know why? Oh, I bet you would. And I am going to tell you, because if I do not get this off my chest soon, I am certain I will be in real danger of hauling off and hitting someone over the head with a spanner in a sudden fit of rage. Suigetsu would be an ideal candidate for such a cold, calculated toolbox mauling, but the person he is dragging along with him to the party tonight, the daft, tactless bastard that he is, would be an even better choice.

Who is that person?

None other than Kimi-fucking-maro. The Grand High Skanky-Ex-From-Hell himself. How did this most hellish of circumstances come about? Well, I'll tell you.

Last night, after the boss finished applying a few more layers of make-up, we headed outside for dinner, arm in arm. Satisfied that his hideous, monster bruise could not be detected by the human eye, he was quite happy, and we made our appearance on the raised decking at the front of the house just in time to see a stony-faced Jiraiya at the barbecue folding his arms and jutting his chin aggressively at none other than my brother. This surprised me deeply, as I had not been expecting Itachi until this morning. Despite the fact that they were obviously having a "discussion" about something, a small smile began to lurk at the corners of my mouth, and it was nothing to do with the fact that Jiraiya was wearing a hideous novelty apron sporting a glossy print of a tanned male torso complete with dangling cock and balls. No, Itachi was here, and, for a change, I was rather glad of it. I could hear my brother's monotonous, droning voice reproving Jiraiya from where I stood, and I listened to it with a newfound fondness. It seemed their debate was to do with a cooking related issue...

"Red snapper is a very delicate fish, Jiraiya, and it has to be cooked with care. A simple parcel of tin foil with a dash of that chilli and lime glaze would have been sufficient. I am not surprised half of the tail end fell through into the coals, as you were turning it far too frequently. Fish should only be turned once, lest you increase the chance of it breaking up."

"If you don't shut your pie hole and let me concentrate," Jiraiya retorted, turning round and brandishing his spatula at Itachi, "I'll break you up. Got that, Uchiha?"

Most of the others were sitting at the long, wooden table already, and Jiraiya's playground-esque rebuttal caused a ripple of sniggers along it. At that point, I felt it best to make my presence known, as Itachi seemed like he was ready to snatch the spatula from Jiraiya and create an attractive criss-cross effect with his face by pressing it firmly into the grill. I accomplished this by sneaking up behind my brother while he was glowering at Jiraiya and placing my hands over his eyes.

"Guess who, Itachi?" I said in a sing-song voice.

I felt his mouth curling into a wry smile. "That would be my idiot, exhibitionist sibling."

"Wrong!" I said brightly, spinning him around by the shoulders. "Your answer should have been: 'My perfectly wonderful, intelligent, talented and amazingly good-looking sibling.'"

"Oh my," he replied, observing me down the length of his nose. "I do apologise. I was under the impression it was Sasuke I was speaking to. I did not realise I had a spare brother floating around. How nice to meet you."

By way of retaliation, I attempted to give him a good hard kick on the shin (I wasn't expecting much from it: my flip flops would not have done much damage) but he dodged it with characteristic deftness.

"What are you doing here, anyway?" I asked, genuinely curious. "I thought your flight wasn't due in until tomorrow morning."

"A cancellation at the eleventh-hour, Sasuke," he replied. "Most fortuitous."

What he really meant by that was that he had no doubt been loitering around the airport at the Mizu airways desk for hours and had intimidated the staff to such a degree that they bent over backwards to secure him a seat on the next flight just to get him the hell out of their lives. Typical Itachi. I smiled weakly.

"Lucky you."

"Hmm? Oh yes. Indeed," he replied, waving a hand disinterestedly, thus signalling that the light-hearted banter was about to end. It was clear that more serious talk was imminent and inevitable. My brother turned then and fixed me with a grave look. I knew perfectly well what was coming.

"You know why I am here, Sasuke," he began, in that infuriating admonitory tone he never fails to adopt while lecturing me.

I was all but ready to huff and roll my eyes at him and suck it all up when the boss's voice drifted over our shoulders, deliberately loud and laced with a studied devil-may-care heedlessness that was clearly calculated to push Itachi's buttons.

"If you're going to bitch about me, Itachi, I would rather you did it elsewhere. I'm not in the mood to be talked about when I'm in earshot. Oh, and I would like mine with some of that chilli and lime glaze, Jiraiya, if you would be so kind. And tell Gaara not to put too much salt in the mashed plantains, I can always taste it if there's too much salt. And I don't want any eggs. No, Jiraiya, no eggs. Absolutely no eggs..."

As the boss's attention gradually veered away towards more important matters (as we all know how fussy he is about food – Gaara, Jiraiya and Chiyo-baa had their work cut out for them that night, I can tell you) Itachi's jaw became increasingly rigid, until at one point I could have sworn he was grinding his teeth. As ever, though, his expression remained a blank canvas even as his hand shot out and gripped my wrist with rather more force than I thought necessary. I winced and attempted to twist away, but my brother was determined.

"Then we shall take a little walk before dinner," Itachi announced. "Come, Sasuke."

And I felt him dragging me down the steps onto the beach as he swept off at a cracking pace. Feeling a shade embarrassed that I was being taken away for a telling off from big brother in front of friends and relative strangers, I made an attempt at pretending that all was well by calling out, in a ridiculously cheery voice, "I'm just going for a walk with Itachi! Will be back in time for dinner!" It was then that I realised how glad I am to have Sakura as a friend. She can be very perceptive when she wants to be and thus saw through my chirpy facade in an instant. Scrambling out of her seat, she shamelessly played the cheerful ignorance card.

"Wait, Sasuke-kun! Wait!" she yelled, laughing as she almost tripped over the bench and flattened Naruto in her haste to save my sorry arse. "I'm coming with you!"

Imprisoned in Itachi's iron grip as I was, I couldn't help but grin. In an instant, her hastily-concocted plan yielded the desired effects, as Naruto leapt to his feet, saying that he wanted to come too (I suppose he still remembers Sakura having had a crush on me for ages and did not relish the thought of having to relinquish his newfound potential boyfriend status over an unsupervised walk along a beach at sunset). The presence of Temari was an added bonus; she decided to tag along simply because she was bored of waiting for food to arrive. When Itachi saw that his nefarious plan had been foiled, he snorted, let go of my wrist and began to storm ahead. I think I'm getting better at this manipulation game. Being with the boss has really opened my eyes as to how it should be done.

And so it was that I ended up strolling along the sandy Suna coast with my two best friends as the sun shimmered across the surface of the sea, red and low upon the horizon. It would have been an idyllic, peaceful sort of scene if Naruto had not decided to be retarded and whip round and kick a great divot of wet sand in my general direction – which, in turn, caused me to retaliate and accidentally hit Sakura. Before long, the three of us were capering around like idiots, laughing our heads off and trying to kick sand in each others' faces. Temari and Itachi did not join in our fun and games, as Temari had clearly decided that my brother was pleasing to her eye and that while we were otherwise engaged, it would be a good opportunity to occupy my brother's attention and flirt with him. I could see right away that she was fighting a losing battle. As she chatted away to Itachi, quite the thing, my brother afforded her only an occasional response, usually a "Hmm?" or a disinterested "Oh, really?" Unfortunately, I could also see that Temari took Itachi's silence as a sign that he was "a good listener". This is a common mistake girls make when it comes to my brother, as they never realise that his reluctance to talk is not in any way indicative of interest in what they have to say, or any pretence of mysteriousness on his part. It simply means that he is a boring, arrogant twat who does not care a jot about anyone else in the world, save himself.

I was not fearful for Temari, though. She's always been a feisty and sensible sort of girl. As soon as she realises she's not going to get any from Itachi, she'll be straight on the phone to Shikamaru for an argument – I will bet my life-savings on it. For the record, Shikamaru is Temari's on-again-off-again _sort of_ boyfriend. It's complicated and I can't really explain it myself. I suppose they're a bit of an item but just haven't admitted it to themselves and each other yet, despite the fact that they've been casually sleeping with one another for years and, over the years, the arrangement has become more and more exclusive. And they thrive on arguments and drama and make-up sex. When I still worked at Konoha-Suna, I cannot recall how many times I heard Shikamaru hissing obscenities down the phone at Temari, trying to keep his voice down, and always failing miserably at the end when he would crack and tell her to "fuck off" before slamming the phone down.

Maybe, if by some miracle Itachi is actually interested in her, it perhaps would prompt Shikamaru to get off his backside and make things official? Stranger things have happened, and Itachi always brings out the worst in potential love rivals after all, being sickeningly perfect as he is. I should have turned on my phone and filmed them walking along the beach together. Then I could have sent Shikamaru the evidence. Oh the fun I could have had watching Shikamaru attempt to punch out my brother. (Mental note: be more devious in future.)

But I am straying from my point. We were not the only occupants of the beach that night. For although a portion of the beach is owned by Gaara (it came with the purchase of the house), he is pretty easy-going when it comes to random individuals going about their business on it. As we were walking, we passed a few people: a local couple walking their dogs, some delinquent kids skimming stones across the water, and there were two guys pulling a small rowing boat onto the shore. One was in the water, shoving, and the other was ashore, tugging at the thing with all his might. It was clear they were having some difficulty, therefore we stopped to stare at them for a while (offering no help at all, of course) and Itachi treated us to a prolix account of how he would have beached the boat. I'm sure it was very sensible and, probably, the correct way to do it, but I didn't listen to a word he was saying, and my brother was cut off rather unceremoniously when the 'pulling' guy stumbled, somehow managed to twist himself whilst falling, and landed face first on the sand. Oh boy did he eat it - big style.

Naturally, we all erupted into fits of laughter and proceeded to point and laugh at the unfortunate man, and we were still giggling like fools even when he stood up, dusted himself down and gave us the finger. In retaliation, Naruto cupped his hands around his mouth and bellowed: "YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I GAVE TO YOUR MOM, PECKER HEAD! AND SHE CALLED ME BACK THE NEXT DAY!" The boat guy, in turn, replied with a distant: _"That's it, nancy boy! I'm gonna come over there and kick you till you're fucking dead!"_ This prompted Temari to step forward and perform the internationally-recognised "Bring it bitch" gesture, which only served to further enrage the boat guy. He began to swagger towards us with purpose, smacking a fist into his palm, and his friend had sloshed ashore and seemed to be trying to restrain him, pleading with him not to get into a fight.

I smirked and shouted, "What? You afraid you'll get your ass kicked? Seems like you two are the nancy boys."

Then, something rather strange happened. The first boat guy stopped abruptly in his tracks at the sound of my voice, raised a hand up across his eyes and peered at us from a distance. Then he started jumping up and down, flailing and capering, and came haring straight towards us. Naruto squared himself, ready for a fight, but when the guy started shouting, it all became suddenly and hilariously clear.

"SASUKE!! SASUKE, OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD, SASUKE!! SASUKE!! SASUKE, OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD, SASUKE!!"

As he closed in on us, now at full sprint, kicking great clouds up sand up behind him in his wake, I began to recognise not only Suigetsu's obnoxious voice but also Suigetsu's pale hair, pale face, pale eyes and general paleness, and I braced myself for the inevitable clash of bodies that was to come. Sure enough, when he was at point-blank range and was unmistakably recognisable, Suigetsu roared lustily and launched himself at me, tackling me to the ground (and covering me in sand in the process, the inconsiderate moron that he is – I had to wear those clothes to dinner). Grinning like a loon, he loomed over me, straddling me on the sand, and punched me hard on the arm by way of greeting.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Sasuke?" he said manically, a little out of breath from his mad dash towards me, before turning round to face the others and adding, "What the fuck are you guys doing here, too? And who's she? She's fucking hot!"

The last remark earned him a ringing slap across the face from Temari, who, contrary to what you might think, looked rather pleased to be on the receiving end of Suigetsu's sleaze-ridden remark.

"Man... oh... holy shit," Suigetsu moaned as he rolled off me and onto the sand, massaging his face. "Was that really necessary?"

"Yes, it was necessary," I said on Temari's behalf, picking myself up. "I'm glad someone's knocked some sense into you at least. And we're here with Gaara from Konoha-Suna Corp., if you want to know. He invited us to come to the party he's throwing tomorrow night, though we're only really here because Naruto has no shame."

Naruto giggled sheepishly at this and scratched his head. "Yeah, I asked him on the phone, dude," he said to Suigetsu. "If I knew you were going to be here, I'd've, like, totally asked for you."

Suigetsu shrugged. "That's cool. We were just going to sit on the beach and watch the fireworks anyway and maybe get a few cans or something." He paused for a moment, grinning inanely at everyone in turn, before he added, "So, who's all here? Just you guys?"

"No," I began, opening my mouth, about to inform him that the boss was waiting for us back at the beach house when I felt a foreign presence somewhere in the vicinity of my left side where someone had drawn up to me and was standing a little too close for comfort. I knew this because my skin began to tingle. It's my completely natural, biological, in-built threat detector, and it never fails. Then a young man's voice drifted into our midst, deep, cultured and strangely wistful in tone.

"Suigetsu," it said. "Do you know these people?"

I did not hear Suigetsu's response, because at that moment I turned around with intent to introduce myself to Suigetsu's mysterious sailing companion and everything inside me, all around me, seemed to freeze. It all came back in an instant – memories rushing out of the darkness to slap me across the face, punishing me for being the stupid, forgetful imbecile that I am.

"_Otogakure is perfectly acceptable, Sasuke. I shall attend. Kisame has also expressed a desire to attend this year, as apparently Zabuza and Haku will be working over the festive period, shooting Christmas and New Year specials of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Kimimaro is still travelling in Suna."_

_Kimimaro is still travelling in Suna..._

_Still travelling in Suna..._

_Travelling in Suna..._

_Suna..._

_Suna._

The image of Itachi's written words in an otherwise innocent e-mail danced around in my head, tormenting me ceaselessly as my waking eyes beheld none other than that self-same Kimimaro for the first time.

Up until then, I had only seen pictures of the boss's all-time-favourite ex: long, silvery hair in that strange, zig-zag parting, the mayu mark on his forehead marking him as upper-class, those strange, striking turquoise-coloured eyes made more striking still by the application of vivid red paint underneath, broad in the shoulders, a slightly rounded face. Now, I was confronted with him – a vision made flesh.

He looked disconcertingly similar to the photos, though leaner and slightly shabbier (probably due to lack of food and money, having to jump from job to job and country to country all the time like the useless vagrant that he is). What was most disconcerting, however, was that he appeared to recognise me. For the briefest of moments, I saw something like panic flash in his eyes. His breath hitched at the sight of me, and it was though the strings that held him up so proudly had been cut, leaving him defenceless and momentarily exposed. As quickly as it had come, however, the moment was gone. The strings had been pulled up once again, and Kimimaro composed himself – enough that he was able to smile and bow his head to me in greeting.

"Uchiha Sasuke," he said in his mellifluous voice. "We meet at last."

I noted immediately that he had not said: "Nice to meet you," or "It is a pleasure," or anything of that sort, so I decided that I should gain the moral high ground right away. It was also imperative that I established the ground rules early on: i.e. that the boss was MINE, and that if he even so much as _breathed_ a hint that he wanted to try it on with him, I would be having his eyes out with the sharp end of a claw hammer.

Therefore, I offered my hand and said, "Indeed. It's nice to meet you, Kimimaro. Orochimaru-sama has mentioned you a few times."

My insidious name-dropping hit the mark, and I felt his hand tremble when he accepted my own. We shook hands a little too quickly and he pulled away first. Success. I had to fight very hard to suppress the evil grin that was threatening to erupt and spoil my cool, calm and collected Uchiha image.

When I uttered Kimimaro's name, an odd, hushed atmosphere descended upon our party. Suigetsu was still kneeling in the sand, and his hand was halfway to his mouth, which was dangling open in shock in an expression that said, "Oh shit. What have I done?" I think the consequences of his idiocy had caught up with him as he realised that he had, in fact, opened one hell of a can of worms. An extra large can of worms. No, make that a _jumbo_-sized can of worms. Naruto was staring openly at Kimimaro, his mouth gaping in a similar manner to Suigetsu's but the sentiment behind it seemed more like the shock of such a stunning and irregular coincidence having actually happened. Sakura was more cautious, and I could see from the way she stepped back a little that she had already cottoned on to the home-wrecking potential of this situation. Itachi appeared to be working on a similar level, and was already leaps ahead of everyone else.

Now, my brother is not tall by any manner of means, but when he stepped forward then, he seemed to loom. I'm not sure how he does it, but for a man of such diminutive stature, he can create an aura of menace rivalling those of certain esteemed character actors such as Anthony Hopkins and Ralph Fiennes. It was for Kimimaro's benefit, of course, but even I shivered.

"I am afraid we must cut our civilities short, Sasuke," he said, staring at Kimimaro, coldness exuding from every pore. "We are expected back for dinner."

"Oh. Yes, right," I said, shaking my head as though waking from a dream. "Of course. Well, it was nice meeting you," I said again, inclining my head, before I turned round and followed Itachi back to the beach house. I didn't mean a word of it. I would have rather said, "I hope you fall into the ocean and drown, you sneaking, plotting, conniving, pathetic streak of wank." But I didn't, because my mind was already racing ahead, planning what I would do, how I would act around the boss, and what I would say (or not say to him) when we got back.

As soon as we were far enough away not to be overheard, Itachi fell into step beside me and told me frankly what he thought. He said, "Tell him nothing, Sasuke. I will make sure the others comply in not making this matter public. What he does not know will not hurt him. All you have to do is smile, smile, smile and be your usual superficially charming self. He will not suspect a thing."

Since I was thinking about choosing that option anyway, I was glad my brother, at least, was willing to go along with it. God knows, it's a hell of a lot better than having him oppose me and ruin me at every turn – but even though I am grateful, I'm a little unsure as to Itachi's motives. If anything, this is the opportunity he has been waiting for for months; the perfect time to sabotage my relationship with the boss - complete with ready-made excuse! I am wondering if perhaps Itachi is being kind in an odd way by minimising the chances of my getting hurt if the boss finds out Kimimaro is on the scene again and decides to go for it? Then again, it could just be Itachi's superiority complex kicking in; defending me from the inevitable and public humiliation I (and, more importantly, the Uchiha name) would face if the boss decided to drop me. I am as yet undecided on the matter. I have consulted Mallory but, unfortunately, I cannot absorb one molecule of his sage-like wisdom, as I cannot speak cat.

When we finally trudged back to the beach house, everyone was there, chattering away and waiting to dive into the bowls and trays of food that had been laid out by our three chefs for the evening. Sensibly, old lady Chiyo had arranged matters so that the boss was seated at the opposite end of the table from Itachi, and that proved something of a relief during the meal, I must say. However, such were the levels of anxiety that eventually began to permeate the veneer of calm I had hitherto managed to maintain, I could not bring myself to smile or be 'superficially' charming. as Itachi had suggested. Everyone else was talking and joking around, and the cheerful clatter of cutlery on china plates rang out in contrast to the somewhat soporific soughing of the waves breaking against the shore. All I could hear was a distant sort of buzzing noise in my ears as I sought to control the rising panic that was threatening to overwhelm me. The smell of grilled, fresh fish and the delicious food Gaara and the others had prepared, which would normally have set my mouth watering, made me feel sick to my stomach. My skin felt prickly and unpleasantly hot, despite the cooler night air, and, for some reason, I could not stop staring at the boss. I don't know why. He kept catching me, and he would laugh and make kissy faces at me. Once, though, he stuck his tongue out and frenched. No matter how low my feelings had sunk, I had to hit him for that one, though it was a fairly half-hearted attempt.

For the rest of the meal, I kept pushing my food around my plate, listening to everyone else being happy until I could take it no more. I stood up abruptly and excused myself, announcing that I didn't really feel very well and that I was going to go lie down for a bit. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the boss's head tilt to one side, regarding me with concern, and at that moment, I just wanted to be somewhere private so I could have a freak out in peace. Naruto and Sakura's heads both lowered, and they appeared to develop a renewed and vigorous interest in what was on their plates.

"What's wrong, Sasuke?" Kabuto asked. "Anything I could help you with?"

Inwardly, I cursed the fact that we had dragged along Kabuto, the overly-qualified medical doctor, who would destroy all pretences of illness with his freakishly in-depth knowledge of diseases.

"I'm just feeling a little bit hot and prickly," I said. "And a bit faint. I need to lie down."

Kabuto nodded thoughtfully and replied, "It could very well be mild heatstroke. Take a big glass of water and go to bed and rest for a while – though you'll have to eat something later to replace salt and potassium."

Inwardly, I took back all the foul cursing and thanked my lucky stars that Kabuto had supplied me with such an excellent excuse. I managed a faint smile and promised Kabuto I would, before I headed along to the room, a chorus of 'bye, Sasuke – come out later if you're feeling better' following me as I went. When I had closed the door behind me and had listened carefully to ensure no one had followed me inside, I let it all out.

Yowling and snarling, I leapt onto the bed and pummelled at it until my fists were all red and sore from fabric burns. When that didn't do it, I screamed into a pillow until I wrecked my throat. Unsatisfied still, I vaulted from my recumbent position on the bed and kicked the hell out of my suitcase, injuring my left foot. It was then I decided to quit while I was ahead, as I had already run up a sizable checklist of injuries and did not want to add to it on account of a stupid, slutty ho'bag from Mizugakure. So with a huff, I threw myself onto the bed and let my fury wash over me.

For ages, I don't know how long, I lay there in bed seething. I berated myself again and again, going over all the things I should have done, but didn't. I should have remembered that Kimimaro was here, I told myself; I should have remembered Suigetsu's mentioning he had to go to the Oto Mall for industrial strength bug spray one morning at work; I should have remembered Itachi's e-mail; I should have said no to Naruto, that the boss and I would be fine staying in Otogakure on our own, thank-you-very-much; I shouldn't have let Itachi drag me away from the table; I should have stopped Naruto from shouting at Suigetsu on the beach. It wasn't helping, though. The more I thought about it, the more agitated I became, until I started shaking. Whether it was out of anger, or just because I was upset, I don't know, but the more Uchiha-centric part of my mind, I must confess, did think that if Kabuto happened to come in to see how I was doing, the shaking would be a brilliant fake heat-stroke symptom. Just as that thought occurred to me, however, there was a knock on the door.

"C-come in," I said mournfully, putting on a faint, sickly voice.

It was not Kabuto who answered, but the boss.

"You will have to open the door, Sasuke-kun, I am carrying a tray," he said, with an edge of irritation. "And hurry up! It's heavy!"

Sighing, I rolled my eyes and swung my feet out of bed. I padded across the floor on my bare feet and opened the door to be greeted by the sight of the boss. He was, indeed, carrying a tray and it was piled high with fruit and cakes and other sweet things. Jamming his foot against the door so I couldn't try to avoid him by slamming it in his face, he barged his way in and set the tray on the bedside cabinet before perching himself on the end of the bed. As he was sitting there, he regarded me with quite an odd expression, one I am still unable to give a name to. His eyes were searching my face with such a degree of intensity that I began to feel rather exposed and itchy (itchy comes with the territory when I feel exposed or vulnerable, you see. It is very much an involuntary reaction). My eyes fell to the floor and I started scratching my left forearm in a sheepish, itchy sort of manner.

Then the boss smiled a little, thankfully broke eye contact, and said, "Shut the door, Sasuke-kun. I wish to speak with you."

Fine, I thought. The boss has come to give me a dressing-down for being unsociable. I can put up with that – with anything - as long as he's here and not with Kimimaro. And he has a tray of food. He can't be that angry, right? So I shut the door quietly and crossed the room, coming to sit down next to him on the bed. I don't mind admitting that it felt a relief to be close to him. It was reassuring, somehow. Similar to the feeling of having Itachi here and not with uncle Madara, but not quite the same. My train of thought, however, was abruptly derailed as the boss's voice cut across the line, addressing me frankly.

"Sasuke-kun," he said. "You do not have any form of heat-stroke," adding, when I began to protest, "I have been with you all afternoon and you have been perfectly fine. Kabuto is not the only member of our party with medical expertise, and you have shown no symptoms. Well none, at least," he continued, eyeing me with a calculating sort of look, "until you returned from your sojourn with Itachi and the others before dinner."

I said nothing and looked at my hands. I wasn't going to give him any ammo. He knew something was wrong – the boss is clever like that, and in that way, he has an advantage over people where someone like my brother, perhaps, would not. For though he's not emotional himself, he is incredibly emotionally astute in other ways. He knows how it all works, you see, in the way of such an intelligent observer, and if he can find a chink in your armour, he will pick away at it until you're completely exposed and he has what he wants from you. I know him sufficiently well to know his technique, and god knows I've seen him doing it to his employees enough times at work (they inevitably cave within five minutes and confess their wrongdoings – sometimes ones not even related to what the boss is trying to pin them for. It's hilarious.) So I remained silent and did not look at him.

Then I felt him shift slightly. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as he whispered in my ear, "Is there something you would like to tell me, Sasuke-kun?"

Okay, so maybe I was not quite so familiar with _all_ of his techniques. My colleagues, after all, would not be subjected to having their personal space violated in such a manner. Well... no. That's not quite right, either. The boss does tend to shout in people's faces a lot, but I _bet_ they've never had to withstand having their personal space violated in such an overtly sexual manner.

I steeled myself, and said, "No. I just feel a bit sick, is all."

I did not expect him to wrap both his arms around my waist and pull me against him. Now, I've had time to think about that and have come to the conclusion that it was a low and despicable move on his part. Reason? It destroyed the distance I was desperately trying to maintain, and it compelled me to look up into his eyes. I almost caved right there and then, and when the boss reached up and tucked a strand of my hair behind an ear, I began to gabble.

"I-I'm just feeling a bit out of sorts just now. Not sure why."

He smiled then, and kissed me on the forehead, before saying, "Would you like me to guess?"

"Not really," I muttered, unable to stop myself, which made the boss chuckle.

"I think," he began, ignoring my discomfort completely and guessing anyway, "you are out of sorts because Kimimaro-kun will be attending Gaara's little get-together tomorrow night—"

"WHAT?"

Like a shot, I leapt from the bed, almost dragging the boss along with me. If I was angry before, it was nothing to how I felt then. I was beside myself with fury. I swear to you, my head felt all hot and everything, and I seriously believe if the boss hadn't managed to calm me down, this time, I would have hauled off and committed a real, intensely violent, bloody and pre-meditated act of grievous bodily harm.

The boss looked a little shocked, and he pulled himself onto the bed again and said, "I gather from your reaction, Sasuke-kun, that you were not aware of this."

"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I WAS NOT AWARE OF THIS!" I shouted, gesticulating wildly and pacing across the floor. "WHO?" I demanded. "WHO INVITED HIM? WHO?"

The boss remained silent for a moment, as though he were weighing up how much havoc I would wreak were he to name names. Then he said, "It was Temari, Sasuke-kun, and—" he added, raising a finger in warning before I went off on one again, "—before you go charging outside to have it out with her, I must stress that she had absolutely no knowledge of my history with Kimimaro-kun or of your enmity towards him. After dinner, she walked back along to where you had left them, hoping to find them. When she did, she struck up something of a rapport with young Suigetsu and she invited him and Kimimaro-kun to attend the party tomorrow. After they had confirmed, she returned and announced to the rest of us that she had met two rather charming young men called Suigetsu and Kimimaro, and that she had invited them to the party.

"From Naruto and Sakura's despairing expressions, I quickly divined the reason for your disappearing act, and while the rest of our party saw it fit to explain to Temari, in overly hushed tones, that she had done something rather silly, I drew your friends aside and had a little chat with them—"

"You mean you exploited Naruto's inability to lie," I said hollowly.

"Something like that," he replied airily, waving a hand. "At any rate, Temari approached me not long after that, quite contrite, and seeking to apologise to both of us. I told her that it was not her fault, that she was not to know. She wished to apologise to you in person, but I told her that _I_ would inform you of the situation, as she is quite attractive and I did not trust her to come to your room alone after the way she was acting around your brother earlier."

That last little titbit of information made me crack a smile, which signalled to the boss that I wasn't about to do anything stupid or illegal, and he came over and took my hand. At that point something else inside me cracked, and I groaned and sank to my knees – a heartfelt sound that seemed to come from the very core of my being.

"Why do these things always happen to me?" I said through gritted teeth.

"Because— oh, what was that rather droll little witticism you wrote in that diary of yours? — ah yes! It is because I am the sort of person who tends to attract trouble like tornadoes to trailer parks."

In an instant, all the rage and hatred was blown away like so much as dust, as it was replaced by an all-consuming fit of the giggles. I find it so incredibly funny when the boss tries to say things like that. He's probably never been near a trailer park in his life (Kisame and I drove past one once, so that's why I'm allowed to say it.) Then, because it was obviously safe to do so, the boss knelt down and attempted to kiss me, but I kept laughing, so he rolled his eyes, gave up and resorted to dragging me over to the bed, where he made me sit and eat some of the food he'd brought up (specially for me, I feel I must add, since the boss never let me forget it the whole night). As I was feeling a little better, I tried to initiate some heavy-petting, but the boss vetoed it, saying that Suna was too hot even for sex. I suggested sneaking out and having a shag in the sea. The boss looked tempted, but, torn between a man-made cooling system and nature's own, he went for the former.

So it was that I have thus far spent a good part of the night with the boss in our room, doing silly things like acting out the parts in the depressing Dostoyevsky novel he brought with him to read on the beach and seeing how many grapes we could fit in our mouths at once. The boss won that one, as he has a ridiculously large mouth. Seriously. I did not think it would be physically possible for a human being to be able to fit thirty-five grapes inside that particular orifice, but the boss has proven me wrong. I think I should write to New Scientist. They would definitely be interested in such freakish, space-defying dimensions. Either that or Ikea. The downside to our high-spirited tomfoolery, however, is the massive grape-juice stain on the clean, white sheets Gaara had provided us with, caused by the boss spraying the stuff everywhere when I surprise attacked him by giving him a wet willy. The boss was not pleased, as he snorted grape-juice up his nose, and he spent ten minutes after that glaring at me and blowing his nose while I rolled around on the bed, tears streaming down my cheeks from laughing so hard.

When we had both calmed down a little, the boss pulled me into a cuddle and we had a chat. It would take me a rather long time to condense three hours' worth of earnest conversation, so I suppose I can be forgiven for summarising it thus. I informed the boss that I was incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of Kimimaro showing up tomorrow, because I knew, I just knew, that he would try it on with him. The boss, in turn, told me that whether Kimimaro decides to show up or not tomorrow is not important, and that even though he knew full well that Kimimaro was still very much in love with him, even though they had something of a past, he had made his choice and would stick by it.

Why all of that took the best part of three hours, I will never know. All I knew was that by the end of it, I felt a hell of a lot better. I was still angry, yes, but it was no longer consuming me. Where before I was freaking out big-style, after, I felt liberated, confident, stronger and ready for a fucking war. I'm still feeling that way, actually, and that's why I can't get to sleep. The boss isn't quite asleep, either. He's lying across the bottom of the bed with his head leaning on my feet, dozing in that half-awake sort of way, in which one can perform no higher function than absently pet a kitten. Even with the air-con on, the heat really seems to be getting to him. I'll maybe nip down to the kitchen later and get him a long, cool drink with lots of ice-cubes in it. He'll like that.

I bet Kimimaro never fixed him long, cool drinks.

LATER: Naruto has just banged on the door, telling us to come out because Deidara has cracked out his fire poi and is giving lessons. My brother, apparently, within half an hour of getting his hands on the things, is executing moves which, according to my understanding, are called 'anti-spin flowers'. Naruto is extremely excited about this, and he is begging me to come out and have a go. I don't much fancy being outclassed once again by Itachi, but it does sound fun. Naruto tells me Itachi has stripped down to the waist and has shed his shoes, so he must really mean business.

I suppose I could go. I mean, I can always drag the boss along with me, so if Itachi decides to start any of his crap, I can set the boss on him.

Sounds like a plan. Will write later!

December 31st

I am writing this in the Sunagakure General Hospital, down in the new computer suite they have built for the use of visitors staying overnight with patients. It's not really a suite so much as a small, boxy room with a couple of old Dells and a 56k connection, but it will do. Considering the circumstances, I really should not complain.

The boss is the one in hospital, having treatment for heatstroke. Real heatstroke this time, not like my feeble attempt at faking it the other night. I've looked it up online and, apparently, it is a real medical emergency and can be life-threatening. Despite the Kabuto's and the doctors' best attempts to persuade me that the boss would, in all likelihood, make a full recovery, I feel horrible. It's like Karma has turned round and punished me for faking heatstroke by foisting it on my significant other. I want to cry, but I've got to hold it together.

Jiraiya is here, too, but he's downstairs getting two cups of coffee. The nurses tried to make him leave, but he keeps saying he'll sleep at the table in the cafe if he has to and that he's not going anywhere anytime soon. I believe he has contacted Tsunade and Sarutobi and that they are flying out straight away, cancelling their New Year's party. Though it is nice to see that people do care about the boss, the way they are all acting is not making me feel any better. In fact, it is the opposite. With them flying out at short notice like that – and this might sound incredibly silly – it's... well... it's deathbed behaviour, and I just can't bear thinking about it, even though I _know_ in the back of my mind that the boss will probably be okay.

I guess I should write down what happened this afternoon. Who knows? It might even help me set events straight in my mind so I can give the consultant a better account of the boss's symptoms.

Traditionally, New Year at Gaara's starts early. Well, when I say 'early', I mean early for the lazy Suna lot. This meant that the boss and I blearily opened our eyes round about eleven-thirty in the morning. We had a kiss before dressing for the day.

Now because Kimimaro was going to appear, I had made up my mind last night while watching Itachi showing off with the poi that I would dress to kill and be devastatingly handsome (in case Kimimaro had the same idea.) After rummaging around in the wardrobe, I selected a light, white cotton shirt with three-quarter length sleeves and undone the top three buttons. This I teamed with a pair of black cut-offs, a pair of black trainer sandals, and to set it all off, I accessorised with a kick-ass pair of Ray Bans and one of those wooden bead necklaces surfer guys wear. I styled my hair with a few fingertips of wax and I was good to go. I looked fucking hot. Seriously. I mean, if I saw myself walking past at that moment, I would have lunged for me and would have given myself a thorough, sexual seeing-to in a back alley.

Being sensible as I am, I had managed to strike a delicate balance between cool, Uchiha chic and dressing for the weather. The boss, being a hard-headed idiot, however, did not. As he, too, was intent on looking fabulous, he pulled out one of his many stunning kimono and demanded that I help him into it. I tried to explain to him that if he was feeling uncomfortable yesterday with just the yukata on, then the heavy, solid black, silk kimono, plus nagajuban and obi would probably finish him off, what with the temperature being around forty degrees Celsius again. He brushed off my advice with an irritated wave of a hand and informed me, in an impatient tone, that he was used to the heat now and that he was sure he could tolerate it. After several more attempts at dissuading him, I sighed and gave up, though I insisted that he take a parasol with him.

It took about an hour to fix the boss's clothing until each article met his approval, so by the time we stepped out onto the decking for breakfast, the sun was high in the sky and beating down upon us without mercy. Yesterday, it was tolerable at least because a breeze was blowing in from the sea, but this morning, there wasn't even a breath of air. It was stifling. Everyone was fanning themselves with books and credit cards and take-away menus, but all we were doing was blowing hot air on our faces. I drank a shitload of water at the table (which earned me approving noises from Kabuto) and I tried to get the boss to drink more, but he can't really have much when he's corseted in like that, so all he had for breakfast was one small glass of water with a couple of ice cubes in it and a slice of watermelon. He seemed to be doing alright at that point, though – talking away quite normally – so I wasn't at all worried.

Before long, everyone began to drift away to do the things they wanted to do. Gaara retreated under a palm tree with Boris and his acoustic guitar. Deidara and Sasori were working together to build a sand sculpture of the Valley of the End (which they sat at the kitchen table and drew plans for last night, the sad gits that they are). Chiyo-baa and Ebizou were making a big batch of Long-Island Iced Tea for later on that night and Itachi organised a volleyball tournament for everyone else. It was teams of three, and Itachi forced me into playing and being on his team. He tried to rope the boss into it as well (no matter how much my brother loathes him, he knows the boss hates to lose and would, therefore, make a good and ruthless volleyball team member) but he had to settle for Kabuto, whom he also forced out of the sidelines and into play because the boss refused point-blank. Instead, the boss said, he would watch, and so a blanket and an umbrella were brought out for him to sit on.

And so a rather ferociously competitive series of volleyball matches commenced, in which Itachi's less charming side rose to the fore as he ordered Kabuto and I about like underlings. Team Uchiha (that was our name) pretty much destroyed Team Tits McGee (Sakura, Kiku and Jiraiya – guess who chose the name?) It was a two sets to nil victory and they only managed to score one point against us, though they weren't really trying. Kiku kept jiggling in her bikini and, it's fair to say, Jiraiya wasn't up for concentrating on much else. Team [blah were a different matter, however, as Temari and Kankurou are old hands at beach volleyball, and Naruto isn't shy at diving about the sand like a madman, risking friction burns and broken bones in order to get the ball over the net.

In consequence, the game ended up lasting for much longer than it should have, and by the time Itachi performed the blisteringly ferocious spike that won us the game, it had just turned two-thirty. Jiraiya Kiku and Sakura had been sitting with the boss on his blanket, cheering us on, and it was then that I began to notice something wasn't quite right with the boss. At first glance, it seemed like Jiraiya was chatting away to the boss, laughing and joking and nudging and being his general, dirty-minded cheerful self – but upon closer inspection, he was really only talking to himself. The boss was sitting there under the umbrella, hunched over slightly and staring out at the sea – occasionally offering Jiraiya a distant "Hmm" in reply. Slightly worried, in the midst of the high-fives being extended all round, I excused myself and jogged over to the spectators area.

"Are you feeling okay?" I asked him.

The boss blinked owlishly and looked up at me. When no answer was forthcoming, I repeated myself.

"Orochimaru-sama, are you feeling okay?"

The boss's brow furrowed in concentration and he pondered upon my question for a few seconds before saying, in a strangely detached tone, "I'm too hot, Sasuke-kun. I-I cannot think... My head... doesn't seem to be working properly..."

I made up my mind in an instant.

"That's it," I muttered, as I grabbed his wrist, hauling him up and steadying him by hooking my arm around his waist, "you're not staying out here a moment longer. We're going back, and I'm going to put you in a cold shower. Then, you're going to go to bed and I'm going to get Kabuto to have a look at you."

"Mmmm..." the boss murmured in reply as I began to drag him off towards the beach house.

Unfortunately, we had set up the net about ten minutes walk along the beach – near the little jetty where Gaara tied up his boat – and during what would have otherwise seemed a pathetically easy endeavour to a healthy human being, the boss's condition began to deteriorate with alarming rapidity. Halfway there, he started moaning and swatting the air with a hand, as though chasing away some sort of invisible irritant, and he was speaking to me – or to something, at least – but I couldn't understand a word as his speech was slurred and incoherent. At that point we were about halfway back, and alarm bells were ringing. Something was really wrong with the boss. I could feel the cold weight of dread forming in the pit of my stomach, and my mind was racing. What the hell was I supposed to do? Leave him on the sand and run to get Kabuto? Or Jiraiya? Or Kabuto _and_ Jiraiya? Pull him into the sea to cool him down? Or would that be too much of a shock and make things worse? Would he kill me when he found out I'd ruined one of his best kimono by soaking him in saltwater?

I was so busy forming a plan of action that my feet were pretty much on autopilot – one in front of the other until we reached safe ground. Therefore, it comes as no surprise that I wasn't ready when the boss swooned suddenly when we were in sight of the beach house and sent us both tumbling to the ground. He landed heavily on the sand beside me, blinking up at the sky, clearly unable to focus. He was sweating and shaking and gasping for air, and by that point, I was terrified. I knew I had to do something, otherwise things would go from bad to worse, so with trembling hands, I rolled the boss onto his side and desperately started unpicking the knot on his obi. I had to remove the heavy clothes. I had to get him into the sea. I had to cool him down somehow.

Labouring as I was in a haze of single-minded panic, I remained unaware of the approach of Suigetsu and Kimimaro until they were but a few feet away. They were heading along from the other end of the beach towards the house, carrying plastic bags full of mixers, when, I can only presume, they clocked the boss lying spread-eagled on the sand with me on my knees frantically attempting to divest him of his clothing. I can only imagine what Kimimaro must have thought, but Suigetsu, the insufferable, retarded twat that he is, began to wolf-whistle.

On the point of hysteria, as the boss was in a really bad way, I whipped round ready to give the stupid, mystery arsehole a piece of my mind. When I saw Suigetsu standing there next to Kimimaro, waving at me and grinning idiotically, I lost it.

"SUIGETSU, YOU STUPID, FUCKING WANKER!" I screamed, flailing both arms wildly, causing sand to fly everywhere. "THE BOSS IS SICK!"

"What?" he said, suddenly deadly serious, the grin vanishing from his face as though I'd slapped it off him. Kimimaro went pale, and he dropped his bags and started running towards us, towards where the boss lay.

"HE IS SICK, SUIGETSU! GET KABUTO! GET KABUTO NOW!"

To his credit, Suigetsu had been sensible enough to bring his phone with him, and he whipped it out and punched in Kabuto's number. I did not know how the conversation transpired because it was round about then that Kimimaro dropped to the ground at the boss's side, grabbed his shoulders and started shouting, "Orochimaru-sama! Orochimaru-sama!" and when the boss did not respond, turned to me and, his eyes glinting with cold fury, said, "What have you done to him? What have you done to Orochimaru-sama?"

My jaw dropped.

"Me?" I seethed, astounded that the evil skank had the audacity to level such a bullshit accusation against me. "It was _nothing_ to do with me! He's been out in the sun for too long, you idiot shit, and if you don't shut the hell up and get away from me, I'll punch you in the mouth!"

"And who let him get into such a state in the first place?" Kimimaro hissed, leaning over the boss's prostrate form, his face coming so close to mine we were almost nose-to-nose. "Jiraiya? Deidara? Your brother?" He laughed a hollow laugh. "No. It was you, Uchiha Sasuke. You, the one person who is supposed to care for Orochimaru-sama above all others. You don't deserve his love, you vain, preening, self-satisfied, selfish little—"

Kimimaro, unfortunately, did not get to finish that sentence – the reason being that I chose that precise moment to draw back a fist and punch him in the face as hard as I physically could, feeling it connect with a deeply satisfying crunch. Caught off-guard, Kimimaro yelped angrily and reeled backwards, clutching at his nose, which was dripping blood on the sand. I lunged for him, and all hell broke loose.

Suigetsu did his best to separate us, and was screaming at us to "STOP FIGHTING, YOU RETARDS! STOP FIGHTING! LIKE, SERIOUSLY!" but it was like trying to get Itachi to admit defeat, or like telling Deidara it wasn't such a good idea to light that fire, or like trying to dissuade Naruto from sticking his head between two railings to see what would happen: a futile exercise in the extreme. If Itachi hadn't turned up and hauled me off him, I do not know what I would have done to Kimimaro. I don't much want to think about it, because would involve prodding a very ugly part of my psyche and examining it in detail, and I'm not really up for that at the moment.

"Get off me, Itachi!" I heard myself snarling, shoving him roughly in the chest. "I'm going to kill him! I'm going to kill him!"

"THAT IS ENOUGH!" Jiraiya roared, pinning a struggling Kimimaro's arms up behind his head. "YOU BOTH CLAIM TO CARE ABOUT ORO, BUT YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY MORE CONCERNED WITH KNOCKING LUMPS OUT OF ONE ANOTHER!"

Jiraiya's words struck straight to the core and my heart plummeted. I fell limp in Itachi's arms as the acute, agonising sensation of culpability threatened to overwhelm me. He was right.

Suddenly, I was no longer angry at Kimimaro, but at myself. And that was so much worse.

"H- Has anyone called an ambulance yet?" I said, my voice thick with emotion.

Kabuto answered from his place kneeling at the boss's side, checking his temperature with a hand across his forehead. "Suigetsu did, Sasuke, before he contacted me," he said, before adding, pointing to the discarded obi, "is this your handiwork?"

My words tumbled out in a rush of agitated feeling. "I- I was trying to get the kimono off and get him into the sea... I mean, I _told_ him not to wear it this morning, but he wouldn't listen... you know what he's like... and I was trying, but my fingers kept slipping and he couldn't breathe and I was panicking because he was slipping away from me... and... and then Suigetsu came and I sort of screamed at him to get you because you'd know what to do and... oh god, is he going to be okay? Please tell me he's going to be okay?"

Kabuto looked unsettlingly grave for a moment before he replied, "Well, Sasuke, you at least attempted to do all the right things. It was just a pity you were interrupted" he added, throwing a filthy look at Kimimaro, who turned away, "because immersion in cool water would have helped reduce his core temperature immensely."

"Then we'll do that," I said firmly, determined to take charge and make up for my previous transgressions. "You take one arm and I'll take the other. Jiraiya can take his legs. Everyone else get back to the house and tell Chiyo-baa and Ebizou what's happened and bring the paramedics straight here when they arrive."

I almost had another fight with Kimimaro because he took umbrage with my ordering people around, but the crisis was averted by Jiraiya, who told him to go and wait in the house with Suigetsu. And hey, at least _I_ was doing something – unlike him. He was just taking up valuable breathing space. Clearly, he realised this and came to his senses, for when we finally got rid of the kimono and carefully began to lift the boss and lower him gently into the water, Kimimaro huffed and stomped off and left us to it (thank god – the thought of his hands being anywhere near the boss, unconscious or not, is making me want to prod at that ugly part of my psyche with intent on letting it run riot all over his face with a razor blade).

About ten minutes later, the paramedics arrived with Chiyo and Sakura in tow. They had to wade in to reach the boss and they laid him out on a stretcher and took him away into the van. Seeing the boss lying there like that, flitting in and out of consciousness and shaking violently... it was... it was beyond horrible. I just froze up. I didn't know how to react. I couldn't reconcile the image the of the man before me with the man I know and feel an extraordinary amount of affection for: Orochimaru-sama, my boss, with his indefatigable energy, fierce intellect and ruthless charm. I felt suddenly as though he was being taken away from me in some way, and I had to fight the urge to knock over the paramedics and hold on to him. This was put to the test when the boss woke briefly and I heard him say, very weakly, in the back of the ambulance, "Sasuke-kun? Where is Sasuke-kun?"

My stomach tied itself in a knot. More than anything, I wanted to be there with him. I wanted to say to him, with a cheerfulness I did not possess, "I'm here, Orochimaru-sama, don't get your panties in a twist". I wanted to hold his hand on the way to the hospital. I wanted to be beside him in case – god forbid – in case anything happened to him.

I was very grateful, then, when I felt Jiraiya's hand upon my shoulder and heard him say, his voice uncharacteristically quiet, "Get in the van, Uchiha. You're coming with me. And Kabuto? Get your arse up to the hospital A.S.A.P. I don't want any quack doctors messing around with my best friend. Got that?"

Chiyo said she would follow behind the ambulance in her car and bring Kabuto.

When the arrangements were made, the female paramedic helped Jiraiya and I into the van and closed the doors. Inside, the spare medic had hooked the boss up to a drip, and was shoving ice packs under his arms and between his legs. The boss was still shivering and his skin was flushed.

"Uchiha-san," he said, handing me a plastic cup filled with cloudy liquid. "Hold his head up and try and get him to drink some of this for me. The traffic isn't too bad at the moment, so we should get there in about fifteen minutes or so."

I did my best to get him to drink something, but the first time the cup touched his lips he moaned and turned his head. "Please, Orochimaru-sama," I whispered. "You know you have to take something." So I tried again, and he took the contents of the cup, however unwillingly. Unfortunately, within a minute, he vomited it back up again.

"No more..." the boss croaked, his eyes squeezed shut.

"Okay, Orochimaru-sama," the medic called out in that loud clear voice they use specially for talking to delirious individuals. "We're going to take you to the hospital. Sasuke is here, and so is Jiraiya-sama. They're going to stay with you. A room has already been made available for you and the doctors are waiting to give you a nice cold bath."

The boss responded by being sick again, and for the rest of the journey, I was consigned to the rickety little seat at the corner of the van, where all I could do was watch as the medic took the boss's blood pressure, his temperature and performed other standard tests while trying to stop him from choking on his own vomit. It all seemed so unreal – like something out of a dark, rushing nightmare where sound and light were distorted and people did not behave as they should. Jiraiya was sitting on the other chair in the corner across from me, staring at the floor, lost in thought. The siren was wailing, and the engine a dull, faint roar vying for dominance with the more immediate sound of the boss throwing up everywhere. Everything slid when the ambulance turned a corner, or shook when it drove over a speed bump, and the whole scene was bathed in that strange, eerie hospital half-light, which was what made the situation nightmarish, more than anything else.

I was extremely thankful when the ambulance rolled to a stop outside the entrance to the Suna General hospital and the doors were thrown open. The boss was wheeled away and transported into intensive care. Jiraiya and I were not allowed in. Chiyo kicked up a fuss on our behalf, but the nurses were adamant. We still haven't been allowed in to see him, but I've been tormenting the life and soul out of Kabuto, who is in turn tormenting the doctors, constantly asking them how the boss is doing. Apparently, his temperature is slowly returning to normal, though he is still unable to keep fluids down, which is something of a problem. Kabuto also said that he is no longer delirious, and is, instead, sleeping soundly, which was the last I heard before I parted ways with Jiraiya and came down here for a moment.

Now that everything is up to speed, I'd better send this to myself and head back down to the cafeteria to see if we're allowed to see him yet.

I really hope so.

I want him to be okay again.

LATER:

Well, I have good news to report. The boss isn't going to die anytime soon and the blood tests showed no major organ damage. The bad news is that he was most definitely suffering from heat stroke - thus he will not be discharged for another few days yet at least. New Year at the Suna General hospital, here I come!

It was seven in the evening before the consultant gave the green light for visitors, and by that time, Sarutobi and Tsunade had shown up and Chiyo had gone home to report to the others. After quick bite of tasteless chilli and rice from the cafeteria, we all trekked up to ward thirteen and were directed to the little room the boss had been put up in.

I didn't know what to expect when I walked in, what sort of condition I would find the boss in, but when I opened the door and saw him lying there, propped up on pillows and hooked to an IV drip, the emotions I had been fighting desperately to keep under wraps began to bubble to the surface.

Gingerly, the boss turned his head and opened his eyes. Upon seeing me standing there, a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

"Sasuke-kun...?"

"What?" I whispered, tears beginning to sting the corners of my eyes.

Then he answered, his voice considerably less faint and more the way I'm used to hearing on a daily basis.

"Where is my kimono? You better not have ruined it. You know it is a one-off piece—"

Needless to say, whatever I was expecting, it wasn't that – and I exploded.

"YOU!" I shrieked, angry and tearful and brandishing a finger at him. "DO YOU KNOW HOW WORRIED I WAS? NO, I DON'T EXPECT YOU DO, BECAUSE WHILE **YOU** WERE FAINTING ALL OVER THE PLACE WITH YOUR EYES ROLLING IN THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO VAIN AND TOO DAMN STUBBORN TO LISTEN TO ME THIS MORNING, WHEN I TOLD YOU REPEATEDLY NOT TO WEAR IT, **I** WAS TRYING TO GET YOUR STUPID, PRECIOUS BLOODY KIMONO OFF YOU AND GET YOU INTO THE SEA!"

"Sasuke-kun," Sarutobi began, laying a hand on my shoulder, "this is not really the time—"

"IT WAS FAR TOO HEAVY!" I yelled, ranting on, ignoring Sarutobi completely. "YOU KNEW THAT, AND YET YOU PERSISTED— NO, YOU INSISTED— ON WEARING THE DAMN THING! YOU NEVER, EVER LISTEN! EVER! AND NOT EVEN A 'THANK YOU, SASUKE-KUN, FOR HELPING SAVE MY SORRY ARSE BECAUSE I WAS TOO OUT OF IT TO DO IT MYSELF". NO, NOT EVEN GRATITUDE. GOD, I COULD SLAP YOU RIGHT NOW, OROCHIMARU-SAMA, I REALLY COULD!"

It was then I noticed the boss was laughing, and my jaw dropped. He was not doing what I thought he was doing. Was he? He looked at me, and when I clocked the faint, mischievous twinkle in his eyes, my fears were confirmed.

Despite being stricken with the most severe, potentially life-threatening form of heat-related illness, the insufferable bastard was still perfectly willing and able to play silly buggers and wind me up.

"You..." I said, seething through clenched teeth, as I stormed over to the chair next to his bed and threw myself down on it, feeling somewhat humiliated. "You are an imbecile. I can't _believe_ you..."

"And I cannot believe you either, Orochimaru," Sarutobi said severely, snatching at the opportunity to lecture the boss. "I cannot believe you let yourself get into such a state. I have had to cancel my attendance at Asuma's party because of your foolishness."

And for the next half an hour or so, the boss huffed and rolled his eyes as Sarutobi berated him for being a vain prat. It was quite funny, really, because normally the boss would flounce off in a strop or would walk away and ignore him, but as he was confined to a hospital bed, he had no option but to put up with it. Jiraiya and Tsunade started sniggering, and the boss got a bit tetchy and told them to get out. They ended up wandering off down the corridor – Tsunade in search of the consultant, and Jiraiya outside to phone Kiku to tell her he would be staying at the hospital and to ask whether she wanted to stay at the beach house or come over in a cab.

Not long after that, the boss developed an avoidance strategy to stave off Sarutobi's haranguing offensive by pretending to be asleep. Sarutobi looked at him and smiled slightly, shaking his head.

"That boy," he said in his rumbling voice. "He worries me, sometimes. And Sasuke-kun, if he wakes up, tell him I've gone out for a smoke. I'd better phone Asuma too while I'm at it. I'll be back soon."

A few seconds later and his footsteps were fading fast down the corridor, following Jiraiya and Tsunade. Then the boss opened one eye and said, "Is he gone?"

I said that he was, and the boss smiled slightly.

"I feel like hell, Sasuke-kun," he said.

"You look like hell," I retorted, with an evil grin, feeling able to get away with a bit of cheek due to the sense of relief buoying me up.

"If I never see that kimono again, I feel I shall be quite content..."

"If you never see that kimono again, it'll be an injustice, after the lengths you went to to keep it on today."

He paused for a moment to catch his breath, and then said. "That was incredibly stupid of me, wasn't it?"

"Yes," I said frankly. "It was."

"I don't think I'll do it again," he said. "I find heat stroke an incredibly unpleasant illness. I think I was hallucinating because I could have sworn I saw you fighting with Kimimaro."

My face flushed bright red, and I looked away, saying nothing. When the boss realised nothing was forthcoming, he added, in a voice that was far too innocent and casual, "You have a black eye, Sasuke-kun. Did you know that?"

"No," I said, telling the truth. I knew something was sore round about that area, but I have not looked in a mirror since this morning. No prizes for guessing who gave me it, I thought to myself ruefully.

"You can borrow some of my make-up to cover it if you like," he continued. "I must say I feel rather better knowing you finally comprehend the pain of inconvenient, mildly-disfiguring, superficial bruising..."

Then he trailed off mid-smirk to gaze at a point somewhere behind my head. From the odd, closed expression on his face, I knew right away that it would not be Sarutobi or any of the others. I turned round and my insides went cold as I saw Kimimaro standing there at the door, twisting his fingers in his hands. He looked terrible; his tunic top covered in smears of blood from my punching him in the nose, his hair in tangles, and his face covered in dust and friction burns. Obviously, he had been doing a lot of crying. His eyes were red-rimmed and glassy, and when he spoke, his voice was on the verge of giving out.

"Orochimaru-sama," he ventured, in a soft, strange and vulnerable sort of way. "How are you?"

There was a long silence before the boss replied.

"I will live, Kimimaro-kun," he said eventually, not unkind, but not encouraging either.

Subdued, Kimimaro nodded. "That is all I wanted to hear. Forgive my intrusion, but I could not stand idly by when... I mean... I could not bear the thought of—" he began to say agitatedly before he caught himself, seeming to almost to strangle himself into silence with his words. Then, in a gesture which must have taken a phenomenal amount of effort, he smiled sadly and bowed to the boss.

"I do apologise," he said, "and I will leave you now to rest. But would you please let me know, or have Kabuto let me know how your recovery progresses?"

The boss nodded. "I will," he said.

And an instant later, Kimimaro turned and was gone.

Jiraiya must have passed him in the hallway, because he came in blustering and grumbling.

"Was he in here? Was he causing any trouble?" he demanded, setting down the two cups of coffee he'd brought up so hard that the contents slopped over the edges and dribbled down onto the sideboard. "Because if he was, Oro, so help me, I'll—"

"It's fine, Jiraiya," the boss said irritatedly, a little breathless and obviously running out of energy. "He wanted to see how I was, that was all. Now, please," he added, "I case you've forgotten, I am suffering from the after-effects of heat-stroke and I am rather tired. If you could let me sleep, I would be much obliged."

Jiraiya muttered something inaudible but probably obscene in reply and sat down on the chair beside me and whipped out a crossword book he had purchased at the little shop on the ground floor. Tsunade and Sarutobi came back with Kiku in tow (she said she wanted to spend her New Year with Jiraiya, and if it meant sleeping sitting up on a chair next to a hospital bed, then that was okay with her). Kiku very kindly brought my laptop, and I have nipped away for a few minutes to use it while the boss is still sleeping. There is a wireless hotspot with a much better connection at the nurses' desk that they've kindly let me use, and I have dashed off an e-mail and sent it to everyone to tell them that the boss is still really ill but that he'll recover.

God, what a day.

I'm so tired and sore from running about while out of my mind with worry, stress, fear and homicidal jealousy. I'm grateful to the core that I don't have to go back to the beach house and join the party, because I don't think I could pretend to be jovial at the moment. All I want to do tonight is sit in the comfy chair next to the boss's bed and watch him (there is one comfy chair in that room – only one – and there is a tense undercurrent of competition whenever someone leaves it vacant. When this occurs, there usually follows a scrum and lots of elbowing. Tsunade and Jiraiya actually clattered heads during one of said scrums, which made Kiku and I giggle so much that the boss snorted and woke up.)

I'm luckier than the others, I suppose, in that the hospital offered me a roll out guest bed to sleep on in the boss's room (I say 'bed'; it's really more of a hammock in a metal frame on wheels. I'm going to be in for a rough couple of nights, it seems.) The others are going to be hanging out at the cafeteria. Chiyo turned up not long ago with sleeping bags and pillows (and a few secret bottles of the Long Island Iced Tea she made) before briefly checking in on the boss, lecturing him, giving him a watery-eyed hug, and then heading back.

Oh! It seems the boss is awake again. I can see Kabuto chatting, and since he's the only one in the room at the moment, it's pretty much a given (unless he's talking to himself. One never knows with Kabuto...)

Man, the boss is going to be so pissed off that he can't have any of the alcohol old lady Chiyo sneaked in. All he's allowed is that oral re-hydration fluid stuff that doesn't taste much of anything.

Ha! I'm going to dangle the bottle in his face and drink it in front of him. That'll be more than enough punishment for his idiocy, I should think. Then, if he falls asleep before midnight, I'm going to wake him up and kiss him – to hell with what anyone else says. If I have to miss the party, I'll be damned if I'm not getting my New Year's kiss.

Right... better go. Kabuto's just popped his head round the door and says the boss wants me.

January 1st

I'm a bit tipsy from the drink (what the hell did they put in that stuff?) but I want to write this down now before I forget.

I had my New Year's kiss at midnight, and although it wasn't the best I'd had from the boss (his lips were all dry and cracked and there wasn't much power behind it), he whispered something in my ear that made it all worthwhile.

He said, "Thank you, Sasuke-kun..."

For some reason, this simple act of recognition affected me upon a profound level. Maybe it was because I had never actually heard the boss say it to me and really, really mean it. I had to suppress the urge to squeeze him and kiss him into a swoon because, considering the boss's delicate condition, the doctor probably wouldn't have approved.

My original plan was to go down to the cafeteria to join the others once the boss fell asleep, but... I don't think I will. Since I have been afforded the luxury of the hammock on wheels, I feel it is my responsibility to sit on the comfy chair for at least another hour, hold the boss's hand and stop him from flailing off the bed. Not because I want to, of course. It's a sense of duty, I swear! One that I should probably get back to, so I suppose I should wish you a Happy New Year and leave you to your devices.

Happy New Year, everyone!

- Sasuke. xxx

* * *

One word about the manga... 

OMGWTFBBQ ITACHI THE EYE-SNATCHER !? And who screamed in the last chapter? God, I hate cliffhangers, lol. As for the chapter, yeah. I feel kind of sorry for Kimi. He really is still madly in love with Oro, but Sasuke is the man in the Otokage's life at the moment, and I guess Sasuke needs a little bit of nookie too.

As for Itachi's poi spinning skillz - if you've never encountered poi before, then you have to check out this link: http // www (dot)youtube(dot)com(slash)watch?vVCcLZUT81Lw I imagine him to be as good as Yuta (who is a god of poi, btw).

But onto more important things. It's thank-you time!

**Nozomi-sama** (Lol, glad you liked the chapter. Oro is quite devious. Sasuke doesn't give him enough credit, but I think he's beginning to realise now. And I agree about Gaara's dad. If there's anyone who deserves a punching in the face, it's him).

**NaruGuru** (Aie! Flu-shot. Noes. :-( I hate needles. Never used to until I had a very painful blood test taken not so long ago. Ouch. And yes! He has accepted Kiku! I'm so glad you picked up on that one. I'm also with you on the total freakiness levels of Oro in the anime at the moment. I squirmed at the oral rebirth technique.)

**OroGirl21** (Hee, hello there! Glad you liked the line. I couldn't stop laughing when I made it up – and I have no idea where it came from. I just remembered what Gaara's name meant and, flash, it hit me. I guess Oro is just inspiring. )

**danni quinn** (I fear you and your ability to spot filler. XD You must have Sharingan eyes, or something. Also, there is a reason neither of them have said the three little words to one another yet. It's going to be quite important, though, and is yet another thing you have spotted. Hope your midterms went well!)

**Niver** (Hello again! You guys are so great with your reviews, you always make me smile. Yes, Oro is the best humour mill ever. Even in canon, he's always running his mouth off and taunting people to the point where the turn round and smack him. Best villain ever (and he should be final villain). And you and NaruGuru totally summed up the last chapter in five lines with that chat, lol. I love it! XD)

**chibibaka1** (Lol, I'm glad you liked the line. I was killing myself laughing when I was writing it, thinking "God, Kishi, you have just set Gaara up for this one, you really have." And, man, Itachi is bloody well blind! Well, blind-ish. Not quite sure whether I'll be doing anything with that yet or not.)

**eerabbit** (Cheers for the review. And I really love that e-mail address. If someone else hasn't adopted it already, I think it might be time for a new addy.)

**missyserena214** (Hi again! Thanks for the review. And I agree. Gaara's mum is a total cow. I always feel so sorry for him.)

**borisbear** (Yay! A new reviewer! And your name includes "Boris", which is the best ever name, by the way. I'm so glad this story makes you feel good. I like writing it (though maybe a little too much as it kind of takes over my uni stuff, lol). I was shocked to hear about your Itachi-esque behaviour. At such a young age, too. I am afraid to say that there is no hope for you. You will end up stealing eyeballs like Itachi. Best prepare yourself. XD)

**fiore777** (The Onion does rock. Many a time it has cheered me up when I've had a shitty day, or when I think the world is a shithole full of horrible shits. I lol'ed at your comment about Oro and Gaara's dad. I think that might actually be the one good thing Oro did (and good ammo to use against folk like durtycheese on NF). Neji is the perfect choice for a psychologist, thinking he can analyse everyone.)

**SlythCommand** (Hi again! Thanks for the reviews. It's always nice to see your name popping up on the board. Glad you like the masturbator line and Gaara's e-mail addy. Hope you liked this chapter.)

**eqwrwerew** (Hi there! It's always nice to read comments where people say, "Hey, I don't mind that this fic is OroSasu, because I just like it". That's sort of what I was going for. Thanks for the lovely review.)

**ArilianaFireQueen** (Yay! You got your hundred points! And I'm glad you liked the last chapter. Sorry to hear you got dragged out against your will at New Year, but at least you won't be sitting in a hospital like Sasuke, lol. Bookstores are the best, though. The last time I went in, I spent £30 on an encyclopaedia of snakes. Hope you liked this chapter.)

**Tristechan** (Yay! Another new reviewer. Glad you liked my Madara. It took me ages trying to decide how to portray him, and I hope I'm not too wide off the mark. He'd better be a good main villain. He's got a lot to live up to. Oro was just fantastic.)

**hieilover135** (Dang, I was rather hoping no one would notice the job change because it was so many chapters ago and a bit of a passing reference. I'll definitely need to go back and edit. Shino has stepped in as the IT guy and Neji is now the shrink – much better for Neji, don't you think?)

**Zinjah** (Seriously, dude, your reviews always make me crack up. I'm now being plagued by extremely unsavoury images, and it's all your fault. XD)

**skytten** (One-hundred points to you! And it's no bother. I like answering questions from reviewers. I'm so glad you're cheering for Oro and Sasuke – they are pretty attached to each other at the moment – though hopefully you won't be too sad when everything starts to go tits up, because I plan on making it as bitchy and as funny as possible. Hope you liked this chapter. Your reviews rock.)

**Bri** (Woo for the last minute review! Thanks so much for the compliments. Sasuke loves teh kitties and the masturbator comment made me crack up too, and I was writing it!)


	29. Chapter 29

A Day in the Life

* * *

AN: Way back in chapter seventeen, I said there would be a time-skip. Only now have I managed to get round to it. Bloody plot taking me for a ride like that. I ask you...

* * *

July 18th

Why hello there — or, as it said in internet parlance: Y hello thar!!1 Yes, it has been rather a long time, and yes, I should not make excuses for my lamentable lack of recent updates, but I have tons of them, so why waste?

It may surprise you to know that I am still with the boss, that we are still given to pouncing on a regular basis, and that we still retain a great degree of affection for one another. Kabuto, in fact, has informed me that I have broken a record as far as relationships with the boss are concerned: six months without a break up – a stunning feat of endurance, indeed!

The boss is actually the main reason why I have not updated in so long. It took him a little while to recover from his idiocy-induced heatstroke, you see, and though you may not believe it, I ended up sleeping in that damned roller hammock for three weeks! My poor back muscles still twinge at the memory. Initially, he seemed ready to be transported back to Otogakure a few days after the incident, but his temperature spiked again (causing me to fret tremendously) and he had to be cooled (read: dunked into a cold bath) and placed under observation. During the three weeks I spent imprisoned in a Suna General hospital ward, I became somewhat efficient in the art of soothing all sorts of muscle cramps: leg cramp, foot cramp, back cramp, hand cramp and even arse cramp on one occasion (the last one might have been enjoyable to deal with had the boss not been moaning the face off me and beating his fists on the mattress at the time.) When we finally got back to Otogakure, the boss was still a bit wobbly, so Jiraiya and I had to team up and shoulder the boss's day-to-day workload – Jiraiya dealing with the external stuff (meetings with investors and that sort of thing) and myself dealing with the internal stuff (the drama, the shouting, the forcing of Suigetsu to actually do some work, dealing with Kabuto and his mad scientist-style diva strops in the labs and drinking a terrifying amount of coffee).

The upside to my week of hell as CEO by proxy? The boss was so impressed by my supreme awesomeness that he appointed me chief operating officer of the company and upped my salary by a respectably hefty amount. Yes. I really am that fantastic. It follows, therefore, that I am no longer shredding and taking appointments for the boss, but instead have been _incredibly_ busy intimidating and organising people for the past few months. Though I now no longer share office space with the boss, I have my own beautiful, spacious office on the floor above with the most luxurious, leather spinny chair to compensate. And whoever said that nepotism was dead – well, they are completely and utterly wrong, as Kiku has got my old job. I am reliably informed by the boss that while she is excellent at entertaining clients, she cannot make a drinkable cup of tea to save herself.

While I marvel at my good fortune in the career stakes, my family life has taken a turn for the worst. The day after the boss succumbed to heat stroke, Itachi caught a plane back to River Country and was at work within the hour he landed. I received only a text to say Happy New Year (it was a generic sent-to-everyone-in-his-goddamn-address-book text) and a brief e-mail enquiring about the boss's health:

----

From: Uchiha Itachi "amaterasu sharingan at akatsuki dot org"

To: Uchiha Sasuke "practicallyperfectineveryway at otogakure-enterprises dot org"

Subject: Oro

Greetings Sasuke,

I am writing regards Orochimaru's health, as I have been pestered relentlessly by Kisame and Kakuzu's inane questioning on the matter. Please supply details and confirm whether or not his illness is terminal.

Regards,

Itachi.

----

Now at that point, I was still rather worried that the boss was going to keel over and die on me from multiple organ failure and, thus, was suffering from quite a bit of stress. That is why I picked up my phone and rang Itachi, with intent on giving him a piece of my mind. Imagine my surprise when I heard not my dear brother's voice answering the phone, but uncle Madara's. Imagine my further surprise when I requested, in a terse manner, that he put me on to Itachi. Then imagine my further surprise when my uncle Madara refused point-blank. This lead me to conclude that he was screening Itachi's calls and I began to shout down the line and call my uncle an assortment of colourful names, which caused him to laugh in an insufferably smug fashion and hang up on me without another word. Needless to say, I was a shade angry at this, and a sudden wave of ill-feeling against my family rose within me, compelling me to answer Itachi's e-mail thusly:

----

From: Uchiha Sasuke "practicallyperfectineveryway at otogakure-enterprises dot org"

To: Uchiha Itachi "amaterasu sharingan at akatsuki dot org"

Subject: RE: Oro

Dear Itachi (and uncle Madara because no doubt you'll be reading this),

Fuck you.

Kind regards,

Sasuke.

P.S. I am deleting your number from my phone book. There's no point in keeping it there because I have no use for it, since you clearly no longer have the testicles to answer your own phone. Oh, and a little piece of advice. Don't e-mail me, don't call me, don't come within five-hundred miles of me. I want you out of my life.

----

I haven't heard from him since.

I know I should be worried, but I'm still really, really angry with him. Besides, if there's anything I have learned from the boss during my time with him, it is that if you wish to hold the power, you should never be the one to apologise. In the past, I have always played the apologist – I mean, you know me, anything for a quiet life – but this time, I've just had it with my brother. I'm tired of him playing me like a fool. I'm tired of dancing around him. I'm just tired of dealing with him full stop. As far as I'm concerned, whatever uncle Madara wants with him, I don't care. He's welcome to him.

Apart from that customary Itachi-related stress, life for the past six months, it can be said, has been running along at a smooth, but fairly hectic, pace. This is about to come to a crashing halt tomorrow, however, as I have a fortnight's leave available to take and Naruto (unfortunately) has been made aware of this. For years now, he has been concocting a grand plan to buy a Winnebago in order to realise his dream of embarking upon The Ultimate Most Amazing Awesomest Ever Road Trip™ and because I misguidedly gave him an "I Owe You x1 Fun Day" voucher for Christmas, Naruto is using and abusing it by forcing me to go to this year's Tea in the Park Festival in Konoha. Surprisingly, he seems to have thought through his plan with a unexpected degree of cunning. The "festival experience" (as Naruto calls it) lasts for four days, but because I no longer live in Konoha, the option of attending for one day and going home to warm, sanitary conditions, alas, is no longer. Instead, circumstances dictate that I shall be there for the full four days and will be forced to spend those days crammed into a four-man tent with Sakura, Naruto and Kakashi. And everyone knows that a four-man tent really means two and a bit. Maybe. If you're lucky...

But a rather unsettling thought has just occurred to me. There are going to be far too many people tagging along on this road trip to comfortably fit into one Winnebago. For a start, there will be myself, Naruto, Sakura, Kakashi and some guy called Sai from Konoha-Suna they invited along. Jiraiya and Kiku are on board too, and Kabuto has also expressed and interest and is frantically hunting for a Tea in the Park ticket on Ebay. That adds up to eight people. I don't think I'll be able to take spending two weeks in a Winnebago in close proximity with eight other people. I am very jealous of my personal space - and since my promotion, I have become increasingly less inclined to take any crap from people.

To make matters worse though, the boss has decided to take some time off for himself, but instead of slumming it like the rest of us, has teamed up with Tsunade and has booked himself into a spa in Konoha for a week of massages, manicures, mud baths and fantastically cooked food.

Oh god...

I really want to go to the spa.

Really. On a deep and personal level.

I do not know what Naruto was thinking. I am nature's comfy man, for god's sake! I like slippers, kittens, warm fireplaces and duvets! What on earth was he thinking asking me to do this? He _knows_ what I'm like! Alas, I cannot back out now, though. Everyone is expecting me to go. Excited round-robin e-mails have been circulating for weeks. The Konoha mob are flying out tomorrow morning and Naruto and Jiraiya ventured out only this morning to pick up our transport – the nature of which they have been keeping a secret for weeks the silly pair of tits that they are – so I don't think I'm going to get out of this. [Note to self: do not be so generous with your time in future, for it will come back to bite you in the arse, guaranteed.

I expressed my fears and apprehensions to the boss last night in bed, but he laughed at me, said it was my own fault, and rolled over and went to sleep. This caused me to promptly take up my pillow in my hands and smother him. I have no idea what to do with the body. I heard somewhere that the best method of transporting corpses is to cut the body into six manageable chunks. What I will do with the remains after that is yet undecided. Perhaps I could stash them away in a disused room somewhere in the south wing?

Not really. I'm just kidding. He was up and in office at eight-thirty sharp this morning and happily shouting himself hoarse at Suigetsu.

Anyway, I suppose the reason for updating this thing is because I'm taking my laptop along with me on the trip. Naruto seems to think it's a grand idea to have someone document our mad exploits and send e-mails and pictures. Personally, I feel it would be a more practical thing to have a means to book motel rooms in advance, but whatever.

LATER:

Oh. Holy. Hell.

Naruto has just pulled up at the front of the house in a _double-decker bus_ and is honking the horn repeatedly with a huge grin on his face. What on earth—?

This does not bode well. If the boss sees this, he's going to end up on the floor in hysterics, and I'll end up having to punch him.

I'd better go see what's going on.

LATER:

Okay, reporting back, the bus situation is not as dire as I initially thought.

Instead of purchasing a Winnebago as per the original plan, Naruto decided to blow all of his hard-earned savings on a brand new, fully kitted out, luxury tour bus; the kind rock stars use while they're on tour as a place in which to snort lines of cocaine between venues. It's really rather flash. A much better choice than a nasty, cramped RV with an extra-large "black waste tank". Ugh.

While I was sitting with my laptop in the lounge not an hour ago, I heard Naruto thundering down the hallway and giggling to himself with excitement. As I tentatively poked my head out round the door, Naruto spotted me instantly and careered towards me.

"SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE!!" he howled, spit flying everywhere, as he grabbed me by the hand and dragged me outside and down the steps. "COMEANDSEETHEBUSIT'SFREAKINAWESOME!!"

And so I took the liberty of inspecting the vehicle that will be shortly taking us around the continent. Needless to say, I took an instant shining to it, and it has gone some way to allaying my fears about embarking upon this trip tomorrow morning. I shall supply the mod cons in a helpful list format:

Why our bus is better than an RV

1. It can sleep up to fourteen people; there are seven sets of large bunk beds, each with a reading light, air conditioning, a mains socket and a fold down personal flat screen television. Jiraiya and Kiku are sharing a bed, so that means the rest of us will have a bunk each with choice of top or bottom – therefore no personal space issues. Yay!

2. It has a kitchen with hot and cold running water, a microwave, a massive fridge freezer (which will no doubt be filled with booze) and tea and coffee making facilities.

3. It has _two_ lounges! The one on the upper deck has a 42" plasma mounted onto the back wall, a surround sound system and a PS3. The one on the lower deck is sort of a collection of tables (like you get on normal sleeper coaches) but with the added bonus of four TVs and a Blu-Ray DVD player. The upholstery is of the finest material.

4. The bus itself has tinted windows (so we can people watch and not fear being spotted) and a large driver's compartment complete with its own private bunk. It also has masses of storage space in the back, so it can take everyone's cases plus the camping gear for Tea in the Park.

5. It. Has. INTERNET!!

6. At first I thought we would not have to book into any skanky motels, such was the majesty of our fine bus, but alas, there is only one bathroom on board (I foresee friction) and no shower. This does not seem to bother Naruto in the slightest, but I know for a fact that Sakura, Kiku, Kabuto and myself will kick up hell unless our hygiene needs are catered for. The lack of bathroom facilities is the only downfall in what is otherwise a perfectly perfect means of road trip transportation.

When I had finished wandering around the bus, pretending to cast a studied, critical eye over my surroundings while trying to hold back the huge cheesy grin threatening to erupt all over my face, Naruto hovered behind me and asked me, with an anxious look on his face, "So, what do you think, Sasuke?"

"Naruto," I said frankly, turning to him and clapping my hand on his shoulder, "it's fucking fantastic. I love it."

It was only then that I realised how much my approval meant to Naruto, as he let out a great whoop of joy that made my fillings twinge before pulling me into a crushing bear hug.

"Dude, I was seriously hoping you'd say that. I know what you're like for TVs and comfy beds and fabric and stuff, so I went for the best one the dudes were selling. I really wanted you to like it cos you're my best friend and I really wanted you to come more than anyone and you do like it and it's like everything's coming together dude and it's the best thing ever in the whole universe!"

My eyes were welling up at this point, and I cuffed him across the shoulder in an "aw shucks" sort of manner to avoid an inappropriately tearful display. "Naruto," I said, grinning from ear to ear, "seriously. Don't worry. I'm really looking forward to this trip now. It's going to be great. Beyond fantastic. Really. Now let's go get Kabuto. This bus is going to blow his mind..."

The bus did indeed seem to cause some sort of cranial explosion in Kabuto's mind, as he stepped off the bus having had his first viewing with a dreamy, far-away look on his face. I asked him if he was okay, and he replied, in a distant sort of way, "I'm going to get that ticket if it's the last thing I ever do." Then he wandered off to his room. Kiku knocked on his door earlier to ask for a print copy of The List so she could pack (I will tell you about The List in a moment), and it seems he has all his three networked desktops refreshing the Ebay auction page for the weekend with camping ticket on half second intervals. Apparently, he has arranged matters with the boss so that if he clinches the winning bid and the ticket comes through, he'll go to the spa and pick it up the day before the festival. For the sake of his sanity, I really hope he wins the auction.

So, since I'm sitting on the floor in the bedroom with my case wide open and pretending to pack, I'd better tell you about The List. Actually, there are two Lists going about, warring for dominance in the "festival experience" stakes. The first (and my personal favourite) belongs to Jiraiya. As he is significantly older than the rest of us and has frequented many a music festival in the past, it follows that he has had more experience dealing with the festival environment and therefore knows what one should bring along. He has evidently added to and refined his List over the years and it also sports rather amusing annotations and anecdotes, which is always a plus in my book. The second is the product of Naruto's addled mind (not the List I shall be following, alas) and though he has been to a fair few festivals... well... you really wouldn't think it looking at his List.

As per usual, Naruto is overly enthusiastic about his List, whining that he spent ages typing it up, and he is very keen on people following it. However... I suppose I should just copy and paste the two Lists for comparison. Then you'll see what I mean.

THE LIST

(by Jiraiya)

The Usual Essentials

- Tent (Obvious, but we can't be too careful now, can we?)

- Spare Tent Pegs (People at Festivals are thieving bastards. They will steal your tent pegs at night. Going raiding yourself for spare pegs is an option should you be the victim of such thievery, but coming prepared is always better.)

- Day-glo Guy Ropes (So that no one trips over them in the dark. Case in point: Tsunade did in '82 and sprained her ankle, though she was so rat-arsed for the whole weekend she didn't notice till the Monday morning.)

- Flag (Used for tent identification purposes. If you nip away to get a bite to eat on the first night and come back to find your tent lost in a sea of one hundred thousand similar looking dome-shaped tents, it pays to have a unique flag staked into the ground to help give you an idea of where the hell it is.)

- Bog Roll (This is a must. Bring one roll and a spare in case the first gets lost, stolen or wet.)

- An emergency change of clothes for each day – underwear and socks included (If you take a dive in the mud like Oro did in '89, you'll be glad of it.)

- Duct Tape (It is likely that some pisshead will fall into your tent trying to find his own in the dark at four in the morning on the first night. The tape will hold together a broken tent pole. It will also patch up any burn holes caused by careless use of spliffs. Not that I would know anything about that. Ahem.)

- Sleeping bag (Obvious again, but you'd be surprised. Oro, I am looking at you. And splash out and get a proper mountain one – none of your Scooby Doo kid novelty crap.)

- Lilo or fold away camp bed (Seriously, do not sleep on the groundsheet with just your sleeping bag. It gets cold and wet and the field you are going to be camping in will not be flat like the floor in your bedroom.)

- Torch (Essential for navigating the maze of Guy ropes in the dark on the way to the portaloos if your tent is not at the edge of a walkway.)

- Cell phone (Reception can be hit and miss at these gigs, but if you get separated in the crowd, they're life savers. Make sure you have plenty of credit before you go.)

- Waterproof mac (Obvious. And don't worry about looking like a tit, because everyone else will be wearing one too. Again, I'm looking at you, Oro.)

- Wellington boots (The levels of mud at festivals can be astounding to the uninitiated. If you are not possessed of appropriate footwear, it can lead to one's feet getting sucked into said mud and taking a dive like Oro did in '89.)

- Sunscreen (This is the other side of the coin. You don't want to end up like Oro did at New Year '08.)

- Disposable BBQ for each tent (Because there's always a MASSIVE queue for the breakfast van in the morning. Last year's waiting time in the queue: 45 mins. Last year's price for a roll and bacon, ¥700; rice, miso & pickles, ¥750; rice, miso & fish/tamagoyaki ¥850. You will be ripped off for food because you are a captive audience – nothing you can say or do will change this.)

- Matches/Lighter (One for each tent, just in case.)

- Pen knife (For opening bottles.)

- Plastic kiddy sledge (Because unless you're really lucky, you're going to have a longer walk than Hannibal to get to your campsite, and when you're lugging camping gear and crates of booze, it's not so good. This is where the sledge comes in handy, as you dump all your stuff on it and take turns dragging it along the grass behind you while laughing at all the folk who are struggling under their heavy beer burdens.)

- Money (There may be a cash point, but you will miss at least two bands you desperately wanted to see while waiting in the epic queue for it.)

- Bin liners (All purpose really; you can spread them out and sit on them, they keep things dry, you can shove all your empty bottles in them and get them out of your tent.)

- Alcohol (One of the two fundamentals – consult with those sharing your tent on what you're bringing.)

- Drugs (The second of the two fundamentals – again, consult with those sharing your tent on what you're bringing.)

Hygiene/Medical Stuff (all kept in a waterproof zip bag):

- Band-Aids (Bring a load of these as they heal both minor cuts and grazes and chafing from wellies and/or wet denim.)

- Anti-bacterial hand gel (You go to the Portaloo the morning after the first night. It is covered in runny Guinness shit. You use the toilet. There are no sinks nearby to rinse your hands. You forget and buy a burger from a stall. You see where I'm going with this?)

- Baby wipes (Because there are no showers around.)

- Immodium (Or the diarrhoea prevention pills of your choice. Do not take them to stop you shitting because you will not use the Portaloos or you will end up like Oro in '84. He was backed up for two weeks. Two weeks. Just think about that for a minute.)

- Toiletries (deodorant, a small towel and tampons and make up for the girls. Toothbrushes and toothpaste are often bulky and awkwardly shaped, so they are optional. If you chose not to bring them, I advise you replace them with space-saving TicTacs or gum. If you really need to wash your greasy hair, you can get cans of dry shampoo.)

- Paracetamol/Painkillers (For hangovers mainly, though something stronger would be good for drunken sprains and falls – Kabuto, I am looking at you here for supplies for '08.)

- Any medication you need (Again, this is obvious. I advise you remind yourself to take it by writing it on your hand, so that when you wake up the morning after you won't forget and have a seizure or something.)

- Condoms (You never know your luck. I know mine's in this year. For the rest of you guys, they make good water bombs.)

General Rules

- Avoid alcohol that you haven't opened or mixed yourself. Especially if someone boasts that they brewed it in their basement with their compatriots. This is known as Scrumpy and it will fuck you up as much as drinking meths or anti-freeze. Stay away.

- Arrange a meeting place which everyone knows in case reception is bad and people get lost.

- Do not be fooled by the Herbal Highs stall.

- Buy a comedy festival hat from the Oxfam stall and wear it with pride.

THE END OF 'THE LIST': LAST UPDATED 2008.

And here, for comparison, is Naruto's:

NARUTO'S TRUE FESTIVAL EXPERIENCE LIST!!

1. Tunes

2. Ghetto Blaster

3. Cow Print Combat Pants

4. Set of Fire Poi

5. Paraffin

6. Juggling balls

7. Face paints

8. Cider

9. Beer

10. Superman t-shirt

11. Big Foam Hand

12. Air Horn

13. Big Flag

14. Green wellies

15. Blue strobing shades

16. Cow Print Mac

17. Sombrero

18. Underpants

Now, you can clearly see from the two Lists that Naruto has grasped the basic concept of the Festival: acting like an arse in a field for four days. However, I would very much like my first festival experience to be as painless as possible. I would also like to survive it, and my gut feeling is that Jiraiya's List is considerably more practical. I have promised Naruto, though, that I will pack some face paints (I am taking the fancy metallic colours) so he should be placated by that at least. I dread to think what he is going to do with the air horn...

Right. I'd better start packing. I promised the boss I would give him a goodbye shag before we leave tomorrow morning, and once we get started it'll be an all night affair, no doubt.

Will write tomorrow on the bus!

July 19th

ROAD TRIP – DAY ONE

At this precise moment, I am sitting at one of the tables in the lower lounge, my laptop plugged into the mains as I ponder on what to write while the bus speeds past yet another strangely picturesque paddy field. Everyone else is upstairs in the top deck lounge, either watching a DVD or chilling in their bunk. Kakashi's name was first out of Naruto's beanie hat for driver duty, so he is up front with Kabuto, and they are playing a hip-hop song at what feels like full volume (the glass in the window next to me is vibrating). I am not sure what it's called, but I think I might be able to hazard a guess as to the title, for they keep hollering "WOOP WOOP, DAT'S DA SOUND OF DE POLICE!" and laughing hysterically. Perhaps later I shall find out what is so funny about that particular song.

This morning, after the Konoha lot showed up at the compound and had a bit of breakfast (early – they turned up at _seven-thirty_), we sat around the table and came up with a loose itinerary. When I say itinerary, all we really did was write down a bunch of stuff we wanted to do so that we knew roughly in which order we were going to do the various countries. In the middle of trying to decide whether to visit Iwagakure or not, to my surprise, the boss rose early and came downstairs in one of his big, cosy towel bathrobes, shoving Sakura out the way and sitting in the chair next to mine. He was obviously still only half awake, because when he wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his head in my shoulder, he smelled of sleep. The fact that he couldn't stop yawning was also a bit of a giveaway.

"Sasuke-kun," he murmured, "I am having doubts about you leaving on this road trip of yours. You were on fine form last night, and I would very much like a repeat experience."

"Well, you must realise the only reason I was in such fine form was because I knew I would be going in the morning," I replied.

The boss pouted (his pouts are a wonderful sight to behold) and then sighed. "I suppose there is no way to convince you to stay," he said with a wry smile. "Besides, Naruto-kun would never forgive if I did— Hello. Who is this charming young man, Sasuke-kun?"

The reason for the boss's conversational diversion was that Sai had chosen that precise moment to return from the bathroom.

Now my first impressions of Sai were somewhat mixed. On a physical level, I suppose I could concede that he is rather good-looking, though in an emaciated, "pale and interesting" sort of way - not unlike the look to which top female supermodels aspire. Unfortunately, being male, this ups the weirdness factor and brings down his hotness percentage – a figure further damaged by his decidedly eccentric dress sense. Sai sports a look that I can only describe as "Cut-Offs Gone Mad". His black, mandarin collared, long-sleeved shirt appears to have been customised in a process that involved hacking off one of the arms and the bottom half of the shirt itself, resulting in a mutant hybrid creation that looks like a slutty top Kiku would wear if it were pink. His black skinny jeans are also cut offs, and he is wearing a pair of fishnet gloves and black Converse hi-tops which seem to have had the tips cut off to expose his toes – manicured, of course, with black nail polish. At first glance, he looks like someone who would go to the same clubs Gaara goes to, but for his manner. He is unfailingly, unsettlingly... _nice_... and seems impervious to animosity of any kind.

"Oh, hi there," Sai said, smiling slightly and bowing his head. "You must be Orochimaru-sama."

"Hmm...? Oh yes, yes..." the boss said, somewhat distracted as his filthy eyes roved up and down Sai's nubile young form. "And you are?"

"My name is Sai," Sai chirped. "I'm Danzou-sama's PA."

"You are, are you?" the boss purred, leaning forward and putting his elbows on the table, while my scowl grew darker and darker. "He tends to be rather fussy where PAs are concerned. How long have you been in the job?"

"Oh, I should say just over ten months now," Sai replied, smiling in that irritatingly _nice_ way of his.

"Really?" the boss said, feigning astonishment. "From what I remember, Danzou goes through your sort like a hot knife through butter. You must be very good at your job..."

At this point, I felt it prudent to interrupt the boss's outrageously flirtatious attempt at a recruitment drive, signalling my profound displeasure with an impatient cough.

"Ah yes," the boss said, suddenly remembering my existence. Just as well, or I would have been forced to beat him about the head with the empty toast rack. "Have you been introduced to my Sasuke-kun yet, Sai?"

"Yes, we have exchanged civilities, Orochimaru-sama," Sai replied, again smiling. "Naruto introduced us earlier on. I think we shall get along famously."

Now, I don't know about that. As of yet, he has done nothing to warrant pissing me off, but for some reason, I cannot warm to him. I don't know why. And before you even think it – it's got nothing to do with the boss flirting with him earlier. The boss is like that. He can turn it on and off if he feels it's going to benefit him in some way and he does it with his employees all the time.

Maybe it's to do with Sai's being so damned agreeable all the time. I mean, I haven't seen him frown or roll his eyes or sigh yet. Take this morning, for instance. When everyone else was dog tired and grunted their grumpy hellos before snatching a slice of toast, Sai was perfectly awake and cheerful and helping himself to orange juice (annoying in any circumstance, I think). When Jiraiya and Kabuto were arguing over whether to miss out Iwagakure on our itinerary, Sai cut in and was so perfectly, sickeningly reasonable in his case for visiting the place that he had Jiraiya and Kabuto nodding their heads and saying, "Hmm, well, you've got a point there. I suppose we should go. The architecture in the village itself _is_ quite stunning." And earlier on, when we had just pulled out of the compound and were choosing our bunks, in a fit of evilness, I decided to test Sai's seemingly infinite reserves of niceness by contesting his choice of bunk.

"Err... excuse me, but I had my eye on that one," I said, with carefully crafted hauteur, as my hand reached out to stop Sai putting his night bag down on the bed.

"Oh, okay then," he said, smiling genially, as he turned round and dumped his belongings on the next bed down. "I'm not really bothered where I sleep. Feel free to take it."

You must understand that I did not really give a flying rat's arse about the bed. In all honesty, I couldn't have cared less. All I wanted was to see how Sai would react to a bit of Orochimaru-sama style overbearing behaviour. That he did not react at all irritated me to such an extent that I felt the need to write about it here in my journal. What the hell is wrong with him? Seriously. Does Danzou specifically hire guys like Sai so he can order them about and be absolutely sure he won't be gainsaid?

I bet he does. I am also willing to bet his advertisements in the hiring section of the _Konoha Times_ read something like this:

* * *

WANTED:

Young male or female, under 25, with no sense of self wanted to fill the position of PA to Danzou-san, bullying tyrant, at Konoha-Suna corporation, Root division. Only university graduates with a 2:1 or above should even think about applying, as the applications of non graduates will be shredded without my even having so much as glanced at them. No office experience is absolutely essential, as I wish to personally whip my PA into the shape I desire.

* * *

And I think Danzou has done a pretty good job on his latest acquisition. It seems that Danzou feels the same way, as Sai has managed to hang onto his position for ten months. I don't know whether to feel sorry for him or not. I mean, if it was me, I would have been out the door in a flash if someone had even attempted to try to stamp out my personality. Look at the boss and I, for god's sake. We're always at each others' throats! It's only healthy!

Speaking of the boss, he was being really rather sweet when we were leaving this morning. It makes me feel a bit tingly just thinking about it. He came out in his nightclothes and slippers to wave us off and stopped me just as I was about to step foot on the bus.

"I want you to call me every night, Sasuke-kun," he said in an uncharacteristically grave manner, "and I want a text at least twice a day, with photos if there are any suitable opportunities."

I felt a sudden twinge of sadness then, and my hand reached out and brushed against his shoulder. "Don't worry," I said, putting on what I hoped was a reassuring smile for his benefit. "I'll call you all the time, and if you really want to see my big, silly face then I can always get on the net."

"Do you promise?" the boss said, looking at me intently.

"Yes, I promise," I said, laughing.

Then the boss grabbed me subjected me to a lingering and passionate farewell kiss – a kiss which ended up lingering for such a length of time that Kakashi started tooting the horn impatiently.

"Break it up, guys," he called out, his finger hovering over the 'close door' button. "We've got to get to the Hachimata shrine before it shuts to the public."

And so it was that the boss unlocked his lips from mine, stood back and blew me a kiss as the doors slid shut. I wanted to sprint down the bus and find a window to wave madly at, but unfortunately they are tinted, so my actions would not have yielded the desired effect.

I think I miss him already.

That is unbearably pathetic.

To make matters worse, I have just received a text from him:

"I miss you. Oro x"

Oh dear. I think I feel a sulk coming on...

LATER:

ALREADY!! ALREADY EVERYTHING HAS WENT TITS UP!!

I CANNOT _BELIEVE_ THIS. I CANNOT BELIEVE WE ARE IN A HIGH-SPEED CHASE BEING PURSUED BY SIX SODDING MONKS IN A BLUE TRANSIT VAN.

No. Wait. I can.

I swear to Krishna... if we get out of this alive, then I'm going to bend Naruto over my knees and spank him so damn hard he'll be needing a prolonged and expensive course of therapy with Neji to get over it!!

Oh shit... Ohshitohshitohshit... they're gaining. Will have to cut this short – Kakashi just cut across two lanes of traffic and my laptop nearly slid off the table. Hopefully, I'll be in a fit state to type later.

LATER:

Okay, I'd better bring you up to speed. A few hours ago, we decided it would be best to drive through the night and get over the Rice Country border. We appear to have lost the monks, but, like Sakura said, you never can be too careful, so we have devised a rota and everyone who can drive will do a three-hour shift before handing over to the next person. It is almost midnight and my shift begins at three, but I can't sleep, so I suppose I should tell you what has necessitated in our skulking away from the country in the night like felons dodging parole.

It all started when we reached the Hachimata shrine at around 3:00 in the afternoon. An ancient, stunningly beautiful and deeply spiritual place, the Hachimata shrine is the oldest religious building on the continent. It is also one of the most esoteric, dedicated as it is to the worship of Hachimata, the eight-tailed demon serpent. The monks who care for the Temple are notorious in their absolute devotion to the serpent, which explains their hermit-like behaviour, their inability to socialise with others, their foul tempers and their strange practicality when it comes to making a ton of money by turning their monastery into a tourist attraction. They are also eternal enemies of the monks of the order of Kyuubi no Yoko because of the traditional enmity of the two spiritual entities, and are bound by the rule of their order to kill on sight any 'foxes' they might meet on their travels. I feel I must also take great pains to stress that from the beginning of his novitiate, each monk is trained in Shaolin Kung-Fu.

The architecture at the shrine is jaw-droppingly gorgeous, almost surreal in places, and we were fortunate enough to have been able to have a look around and take some photos before Naruto decided to open a big can of stupid and waste everything. The main attraction, however, and what everyone comes to see, is undoubtedly the stunningly theologically complex Chaos Garden. Nestled in the centre of the Courtyard of Silence, the Chaos Garden (really just a Zen garden with a more demonic sounding name) was designed by the founder of the order, the Great and Venerable Teacher, Lu Tze, in 789 and has been lovingly preserved down to the smallest detail by the Hachimata monks ever since.

I know all this because I purchased a guide book and walked around the courtyard with Sakura, Kabuto and Kakashi, pretending to be cultured and attempting to identify exactly which rock among the elegant swirls of white gravel was supposed to represent the Enclosing Island of Order. Kakashi thought it was the tall, jaggy one near the left entrance, but I'd swear blind it was the small, squat one that was just peeking out from the stones. I'm going to go online to look it up in a minute. I'm sure I'm right, and if I am, I'll be banging on the driver's compartment door and thrusting my Mighty Rightness in Kakashi's face – with a few pelvic thrusts thrown in for good measure.

But I'm straying from my point (even though being right is incredibly important). As my group were being civilised and drinking in the history and culture, the others were through in the little antechamber on the other side of the garden, reading the board the monks had put up on the wall which told the gruesome story of how their order came to be.

This is when the shit hit the fan. Big style.

Something had excited Naruto, you see. If my memory serves me correctly, I believe it was something to do with a warrior monk of the order named Sasuke (oh what a hilarious coincidence) who, in 1272, decapitated twenty novices from the Temple of Fire in Konoha because one of them 'looked at him funny from across the river'. Now, this little tale tickled Naruto pink, and he though it would be a brilliant idea to rush out of the room and tell me straightaway, because, of course, I could not have lived without knowing about my angry, Hachimatan namesake.

Picture the scene: the Courtyard of Silence – calm, serene, a place of veneration filled with the smell of sandalwood and yak butter. Monks chanted an arcane rite as they moved in solemn procession along the platform upon which the spectators stood. Tourists and pilgrims contemplated the Garden of Chaos, seeking enlightenment from the Great Serpent, and, perhaps, wondering what the hell all the rocks and swirls were about.

Imagine then, if you will, the sound of a wild, eager cry shattering the respectful silence, the hollow sound of footsteps thumping across varnished boards, the sound of orange combats made of anti-rip parachute material flapping in the wind. Imagine the look of pure and unadulterated dread on my face when my eyes beheld the vision of Naruto coming gambolling towards me, singing, "SASUKE, SASUKE! YOU'VE GOTTA COME SEE THIS". Imagine how I felt when I realised that he was not going to stop at the edge of the platform, but that he intended to take a shortcut across the big, wide space in the middle with all the gravel and no people to get in the way.

I swear to god, everything seemed to pass in slow motion. The colour drained from my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kabuto turning, raising his hands to his mouth. I heard Sakura make a sad, little moaning noise. Across the way, I saw Jiraiya emerge from the antechamber – standing head and shoulders above everyone else – and observed the shift in his facial expression from amusement to terror. I saw him begin to push his way through the crowd, in attempt to reach Naruto and pull him back. At the same time, I heard myself shouting, "NARUTO, NOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

But it was too late. Already, he had leapt from the perfectly polished parapet. His feet plunged into the gravel with a sickening crunch. Everyone gasped. One woman shrieked in horror. The monks' procession shuddered to a halt. Silence fell – and Naruto carried on running, blissfully unaware that every step he took was a equivalent to planting a great, steaming turd upon the doorstep of the order of Hachimata. As he ran, he kicked up masses of gravel in his wake. Bits of the stuff could be heard clattering on the boards of the platform. In his wake lay absolute destruction.

After what felt like an age, he reached our side and, panting, he hopped up onto the walkway and grinned at me.

"Hey, Sasuke," he whispered. "You've gotta come see this. There's a guy called Sasuke who cut off, like, twenty people's heads. It's freakin' awesome. Hey—? What's wrong with these guys?"

When Naruto said "these guys" he was referring to a group of six lean, well-muscled, shaven-headed and solemnly professed monks, who had approached our party and stood a few feet away. Their faces were like thunder: dark, ominous and promising an imminent (and terminal) shock of retribution.

"You, blonde foreigner from Konoha!" the puce-faced monk at the head of the group yelled, thrusting an accusing finger in Naruto's face. "You have defiled the sacred sanctuary of Hachimata! No one has dared cross the Garden of Chaos since The Great and Venerable Teacher last set foot upon it!"

"Eh?" Naruto said, utterly bewildered, looking at the monk as though he were mad.

"_Servant of Kyuubi no Yoko!"_ another monk hissed, in a tone that suggested it was the most vile of insults.

"_Foreign devil!"_ the first monk shouted.

"_Base fox-child!"_ a third piped up, shaking a fist threateningly.

It was then I knew we were in trouble, because I spotted Jiraiya, Kiku and Sai sneaking round behind the stunned onlookers. Jiraiya caught my eye and gestured frantically, pointing towards the exit. I nodded and braced myself for a sprint.

The monks began to gather en-masse, like black, baleful storm clouds. I think Naruto began to realise that he had done something Wrong, and he began to laugh sheepishly. Raising his hands in the air in a conciliatory gesture, he said, "Hey, come on, guys. It was just a mistake, yeah? You can fix it, right?"

"Naruto," I said warily, putting my hand on his shoulder and guiding him in the direction of the exit, "I don't think they can. I feel it's best that we leave..."

"YOU CANNOT LEAVE!" the first monk bellowed, gesticulating wildly. "THE FOREIGN DEMON MUST BE PUNISHED!"

"Yes," another monk called out, "let us punish him."

They began to saunter towards us with purpose – all but smacking their fists into the palms of their hands. The situation was now rendered perfectly unambiguous: they intended to give us a severe Shaolin beatdown.

So it was that Kakashi – ever the practical one - shouted, "RUN!!" and I snatched Naruto's hand and the eight of us ran for our lives out through the building and across the car park towards the bus. To make matters worse, we had left our shoes at the entrance to the shrine, so to add to our horrendous list of crimes, we had stolen nine pairs of silk slippers between us. All I have with me to wear on my feet now are the slippers and the pair of Wellingtons I packed for Tea in the Park. I shall endure, and mourn the loss of my Vans in silence.

But our tale of woe did not end there. As soon as we all piled into the bus, Kabuto started the engine and we were ready to get the hell out of there. Unfortunately for us, however, the Hachimata monks were not intent on giving up that easily. To our horror, we saw them legging it over to a small, blue and surprisingly speedy Transit van.

Thus began our two-hour long car chase through Otogakure.

Sai has assured us that he lost them when we took that last-minute exit out of the Ryuuzu tunnel (the one that caused Kiku to roll out of her bunk, the turn was that bloody sharp), but I'm erring on the side of caution. I mean seriously. How could anyone 'lose' an electric blue double-decker tour bus with the words NIGHTSKY TRAVEL emblazoned on the side like a silver beacon?

Jeez...

Well, I'm going to cut and paste this and send it to the boss. He'll love it. I can imagine his mad, cackling laughter already. And if worse comes to worst, at least he will be able to provide with police with possible suspects and a motive when they find our bodies lying decomposing in a ditch somewhere.

I wonder if it's too late to turn back and go to the spa?

* * *

The manga: Kishi? Seriously, man. What are you doing to Orochimaru? I know you have marked him out as the 'Comeback King' of the manga, but I'm kind of starting to want a little bit of closure like you gave us with Jiraiya. I swear it's like you love Oro yourself as a character, Kish, and would love nothing more than to have him shooting his mouth off and raising all kinds of hell, but have been bitch-slapped by your editor and the Japanese fans (who have no taste and big hard-ons for avengers) into getting rid of him. Or, more accurately, into a pretty crummy compromise in which Sasuke does not have to suffer the consequences of his actions because - hey presto! - big brother happens to come to the rescue with a magical sword and a sake bottle. 

Trapped in a bottle. That all about guarantees his eventual return. Again.

But on a lighter note... Time for the customary thank-yous:-)

**Nozomi-sama** (Oh, the eye-plucking hilarity. I think I'm starting to like the Uchiha brothers a whole lot more (writing this thing has sort of helped that along too XD). Sasuke does, indeed, have a very devious mind, though Oro is beginning to have an influence on him in that regard. Keep an eye out for lol character developmentz!!)

**NaruGuru** (Oh my lawdy! XD I do so love your reviews, though I feel quite bad for creating such suspense that I made you chow down on your poor thumb. If you're going to do that, choose a less valuable digit - like your ring finger, for instance. :-) But, oh my! Sasuke and Kimi having to sit in a room and talk it all through? I think you might get your wish at some point in the future... ;-))

**Niver** (Hello again! You and NaruGuru are fantastic, btw, I must say. Yes, Oro did get what was coming to him, the vain prat that he is, though it's unlikely he will learn a lesson from it. And major lulz at your vomit comment - especially now that Kishi has officially crowned Oro Vomit King of the manga. XD Never underestimate the power of vomit as a means to move on the plot. Oh, and I read that fic you mentioned. I love a good dose of creepiness. T'was excellent!)

**danni quinn** (Yeah, the three little words are pretty damn important. When the issue finally rears its ugly head, be assured your name will be at the top of the chapter. Congrats on your midterm results. Apart from the bio (who needs sciences, anyway?) those sound like pretty good scores. :-) And lol, I shall consider your challenge. It might end up as a side story. I don't guarantee when I'll get round to it, though. Took me ages to get the Sasori fic out.)

**ArilianaFireQueen** (Lol, word of mouth is spreading about A Day in the Life. This makes me happy:-) Bri is your friend? Woot! Yes, Itachi is a bit of a raging psychopath, I guess. Always knew it, though. I mean, as if the clan murdering wasn't enough of a giveaway, lol. Yes, Oro is a bit of an idiot. So damned vain that he would wear the kimono despite the blatantly obvious.)

**Zinjah** (I'm thinking he broke the fourth wall. I don't think he was quite at the point of addressing the little men in his computer (though he was probably not far off). But Kimi getting sick? You. Are. A. Genius!! I've been looking for a way to propel Kimi back into the picture for ages and... well. I'm saying nothing more because it'll just be a big fat spoiler. You can probably guess, though. In which case, it's a big fat spoiler anyway. Ah well. XD)

**OroGirl21** (Hello there! Thanks so much for the nice review. Glad you liked the last chapter, too, and that you still thought it was funny while, as you rightly pointed out, being a bit sad too. I was kind of worried that there weren't enough laughs to balance out the gloomy stuff, but I guess I shouldn't have fretted too much. And I am with you on the Oro/Sasu. There should be moar moar moar of it out there! Preferably well-written, but I'll take what I can get, lol.)

**chibibaka1** (Cheers very much for the review, and thanks for the positive comments on the emotional side of things. I had a slight fear I was overdoing it, in that they were there at the expense of the laughs, but I guess things can't be hilariously rosy all the time. Oh Itachi, you poor blind thing, you. Any sane, normal person would just accept it and start learning braille and choosing a guide dog. Not Itachi. And the manga. Too many cliffhangers as of late. I'm thinking about leaving it for a month and getting the story in a bigger chunk. Maybe it won't annoy me so much then.)

**Bri** (Hello again! I didn't realise you knew ArilianaFireQueen. That kicks ass:-) Glad you're liking the fic. And major lulz at your fight chanting. If I was there, I would have been too. Possibly also throwing popcorn and acting like a damn fool. XD)

**borisbear** (Yay! You came back for the next chapter! I'm loving that you're loving the crack. This fic really is just a big excuse to make myself laugh. And to provide other Naruto fans with moreish crack pairings and ridiculous AU plots. I feel like a dealer. Maybe I should purchase a 4x4 with tinted windows and complete my transformation? And yes, there is more to come. I have no idea now when this story will end, though I know _exactly_ how it will. I've written it down already.)

**Zen. with. Conflicts **(Huzzah! A new reviewer, though, I assume, not a new reader? Good for you, speaking up like that. Reader lurkers should not be afraid to come out and say hi. It's always the strangest things that bring you lot out, though. This time it was character actors, and last time it was my mentioning Streetlight Manifesto. Though admittedly they are two of the best. Great actors, oh yes... Your screen name is also strangely appropriate to this chapter. Coincidence?)

******natwel** (Hi again! Nice to see you floating around the review boards. Lol, I didn't set out to make Itachi more interesting than in canon, but I suppose with Kishi's style of character development, it wouldn't be hard. XD That sucks to hear about your encounters with arsehole men (or boys, as it seems more likely, hmph). Next time a guy does that to you, go up to the nearest person, smile and whisper in their ear 'Yeah, he's only being like that because I know he's got a small dick.' Should work like a charm - and get a laugh into the bargain.)

******fiore777** (Fiore! How goes life with you? Oh I'm so glad you picked up the little bit about Oro having to carry a _whole_ tray up to Sasuke. You always seem to get the little things. I fear your powers of observation. XD Also what do you think about the latest developments regarding Orochimaru? I'm starting to think Kishi smoked a whole lot of crack while planning out Naruto. Oh yes, the Sasori fic is finally ready should you wish to wander into the mouth of madness. :-P)

******NayanRoo** (Apologies if my fic distracted you from your homework. I know how dangerous fic can be - having dodged all of the coursework I should be doing in favour of writing OroSasu crackfic. XD But... you study zoology? That is beyond awesome. What is your subject specific -ology? I have developed a strange fascination with snakes recently because I've had to do research for an original project. And also, if this fic has refreshed your interest in OroSasu, does that mean you will be writing more fic? I have my fingers crossed.)

******hieilover135** (Nope. They don't have jutsus in my story. And don't worry - I'm not planning on having Itachi indulge in any rampant, eye-plucking lunacy. Haven't decided on whether I'm going to deal with that or not.)

******BMIk** (Hello thar! Always nice to hear from newcomers to my epic work of crack madness. XD Thank you so much for all the lovely comments, and that A Day in the Life is a sharp analysis of modern day life? Oh, I squeed at that one, it made me smile. I'm so glad you picked up on Gaara's taste in music. Just slipping it in there made me giggle like a schoolgirl and it makes me happy when people notice the little things like that. Also, that you wonder whether uncle Madara was right about Oro and Sasuke. I wonder too, and I think maybe the reason Sasuke was so angry at Madara's remark was because maybe he realised there was some truth in his statement.)

******R. J. Green** (Oh my nefarious plot to turn the Naruto fandom into OroSasu fans has claimed one more victim. Or, at least, just for this fic. I'll take what I can get. You do not know how much pleasure I get just from writing this work of lunacy, though. Really. I sit bent over my laptop, hammering away at the keys, snorting with laughter at the horrible ways I keep coming up with to torture Sasuke - so if it makes other people laugh, it's a bonus as far as I'm concerned. I would attempt to get a life, but writing is so much more fun. Hidan, though... god, I'm glad you liked that bit. I was waiting for so, so long to write that part - seriously, it was like torture - and when it finally came down to it... I laughed. Hidan is comedy gold, he really is. Thanks so much for the lovely review. Hope you liked this chapter.)

******DeisClayDragon** (Hello there! Thanks for the compliments about the last chapter. I was a bit worried that there weren't enough laughs in the last chapter and a little too much of the old heavy, emotional stuff, but I guess everything was okay. It's funny when you're writing. Things never turn out quite like you expected.)


	30. Chapter 30

A Day in the Life

* * *

AN: Almost forgot to mention. I thought I was being clever and original with Nagato's brothers' names, but it turns out masamunerevolution of DeviantArt has already done something similar. Dang. XD

* * *

July 20th

DAY TWO

WOOOOOOOOO!! THIS is the best niht of my ENTIRE life! so so so much fun i cannot tell you. We are in Amegakure andwe have just been to a karaoke bar. I sang lots of songs I thikn I might have been hogging th e mic lol. But wow it really... I mean big freaky coincidence because when we parked the bus and were scouting round Amegakure for stuff to do we found a random bar that looked like it cound be good. Jiraiya said he remembered goin gto it when he was yuong with Tsunade and th ebosss and he said it was the shit when he was there, so we went in – and LO! Who was in there but Nagato and his brothers!

They al look really similar, it's freaky. You can tell they are brothers right awaya. They all have red hair and big ossssten... osten... lol i cannot spell ostentatious, my head feels funny and my fongers cannot touch the keyboard properly — a rolled cigarette was passed round earlier and I think it might ahve been weed, oh well. But yes, they all have big ostentatious piercings and red hair. It is hilarious. I laughed a lot.

Nagato and his brotheres know Jiraiya for some reason – they must be older than I thouhgt they were at first – and when the bar closed they invited us back to their house which i thought was verrry kind of thiem. They live in a big tower. It is hilarious. Also my fat stupid moron uncle madara was LYING when he said they are all called Nagato – but then evrything that comes out of his lying mouth is a LIE!! He is a LYING LIAR and i hate him and want to twist his nipples until he squeals!! Only Nagato is called Nagato, and he has a nickname, which is Pain. His brothers are called Bane, Dane, Kane, Shane and Zane. They are downstairs playing music real loud. The walls are thmuping. It is a party. THere is lots of cider. Some random people who came back from the bar have showed up. People have been flirting with me but I have been good and said no because I am with the boss. I showed people pics of him in my wallet and phone and they went "Awwww". I did not show them the nudes though becuase the boss would kill me if he found out. I called him ealrier and told him i missed him. He asked me if i was drunk and i said yes. Then he asked me where i was, I said at Bane, Dane, Kane, Pain, Shane and Zane's house. He said "What?" and I said I was at Nagato's and that we were in Amegakure. He said "Oh, that's alright then." I said I missed him and he said he missed me too and my tummy squiggled.

Actually it is still squiggling.

I have to go. I don't feel very well.

((HEYYYYYYY!! Dis is Naruto here. Sasuke axed me 2 cum & shut dn his comp n case ne1 reads his diary coz he is blowin chunks in the bath in Dane's room lol. Jus goes 2 show u dat Sasu cannot drinik!! ALwasy told u didnt i? thot i shud let u no dude that i did it i mean bout ur comp so u dont 4get. bye thennnnnnnn!!))

July 21st

DAY THREE

Oh god... my head. Really. It is actually pulsing. And I feel awful. I have never been so hung-over, or acted so idiotically in a public place. I think the initial heady wave of freedom that accompanied our setting out on this road trip has well and truly passed over me and broken against the rocky shore of illness and embarrassment. I am fairly certain the other members of my party are working along similar lines. Kakashi must have passed out under a table at some point because he is still there and still unconscious. Jiraiya is lying stretched out on the kitchen table, groaning, and Kiku is sitting on a chair with her head bent between her legs, wearing the silk slippers we stole from the Hachimata shrine. I am not sure where Naruto is. Sakura and Kabuto are propping each other up on the big green sofa and Sai has draped himself across their legs.

The extent of our over-indulgence? This morning, when I dragged myself from Dane's bed and blearily trudged my way into the living room, I saw Sai spread-eagled across Sakura and Kabuto and I grunted a distinctly grumpy "Good morning." In reply Sai grimaced – actually grimaced! – and said, "Please don't talk to me, Sasuke. The sound of your voice is making me want to vomit."

I may yet warm to him.

I feel a little sorry for him too, as last night was the first time he had ever been drunk. It must have been some initiation for him in house party terms, as I cannot recall everything that happened, and – despite what Naruto might tell you - I am a _fairly_ experienced drinker (though nowhere near the level of some individuals of my acquaintance – hence the fact I ended up spewing my guts out in Dane's bath. I had to use the shower head and my hands to wash all the little chunks down the drain. I will never do that again, no matter how drunk I am.) At some point, I do remember sitting on the floor in one of the round corridors in Nagato's tower with Sai, Kakashi, Shane, Kane, two randoms and a row of shot glasses filled with different types of spirits that we'd brought out for Sai to try. He smiled and very politely downed every one we offered him. I think that may have had something to do with his current state of health. Perhaps the jugs of silly cocktails we bought at the karaoke bar may also have contributed?

Bleh... I don't want to talk about drink anymore. It's making me feel nauseous. The first thing I saw in front of me when I woke up was a cheap bottle of Grant's vodka on Dane's nightstand. It was open and it smelled of hairspray. Add that to the stomach-churning aroma of Zane cooking breakfast, and you're on the road to hangover hell. Ugh. Seriously. I do not know how that fat git can scoff down a plate of bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs, beans and hash browns AND a towering side of pancakes with syrup after the carnage last night. He must have an iron constitution. Either that or he's just fucking fat and feels the need to stuff his face every five seconds. I think I'll go with the latter.

Apologies for the drunken entry last night, by the way. Weed was indeed being passed around, and since I have only partaken in the stuff but sparingly, I was not prepared for its ill-effects. It wore off after a while, but I was still horrendously drunk, so I have no excuse. I guess I must thank Naruto for carrying out the slurred, panic-stricken orders I gave him in between heaves when I was sitting in Dane's bath, weeping in a pool of sick. If anyone had come in and happened upon my journal, it would probably be all over the internet by now, so thank you Naruto!

Hmmm... maybe I should go and find him. He still hasn't surfaced.

Back in a bit.

LATER:

World, let it be known and officially put on record that Kakashi and Kabuto are big, hairy donkey scrotums.

Yes, you heard me. Big. Hairy. Donkey. Scrotums.

Why? The horrible arseholes only went and filmed me singing last night at the karaoke bar! But that is not the worst... oh no. In a fit of drunken idiocy, last night they both decided that it would be a hilarious idea to _upload the damned video onto YouTube for the whole world to see!_ I am now sincerely glad I had Naruto shut down my computer. I dread to think what they would have done with my diary entries.

Being in a state of advanced leglessness as they were, once they had done the dirty deed and had giggled themselves silly at my expense – or so they have since told me - they then went and forgot all about what they had done and carried on partying as if nothing had happened. They only remembered what they had done when interested friends and co-workers began texting them this morning, informing them how much the video had amused them, how many views it had already garnered, and that the YouTube staff had featured it on the front page.

Now, at this point, I like to imagine The Brothers Scrotum were feeling a tad anxious, wondering exactly how I would react and trying to come up with a way to break the news to me gently. They needn't have bothered, for I had received _exactly_ the same texts. I shall quote here a choice selection:

From the boss: "Sasuke-kun, I knew you could dance but was unaware that you could sing so very well. Then again, you have had lots of practise hitting the high notes. It seems I have trained you well. Oro x"

From Deidara: "TAAAAAAAKE ONNNNN MEEEEEEEE!! LOLLOLOLOLOL!! XD"

From Kakuzu: "Lord, Sasuke. You're the gift that just keeps on giving. 20,000 views and climbing."

From Sasori: "Stupid shit. You made me snort Coke up my nose."

From Kisame: "Heads up. There's a video of you doing the rounds on YouTube. It's on Kabuto's profile: bespectacledwunderkind. Shouldn't be too hard to find, as it's been featured. I told everyone not to e-mail it to Itachi. I think you might be okay on that front. He doesn't get on the net much these days."

From Zetsu: "I had my speakers up full when you hit that high E. I hope you can afford to pay for replacement eardrums."

From Ino: "Oweee, Sasuke, you look damn hot in that vid!"

From Shikamaru: "Wtf, dude... A-Ha?"

From Kiba: "FAVED!! XD"

From Suigetsu: "Sasuke, I nearly peed myself. Why are you such a rampant tard?"

Those are only a fraction of the texts I received. They were enough to clue me in, however, on what had transpired, and thus it came to pass that I thundered downstairs and found Kabuto and Kakashi in the kitchen hunched over a laptop looking worried. I promptly picked up one of Nagato's heavy saucepans and chased them around the breakfast bar for a bit before cornering them.

"WHAT DID YOU DO??" I howled, brandishing the pot threateningly at them as they cringed and held up their hands in front of their heads.

"Sasuke," Kakashi began, "we didn't mean it—"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT?" I shrieked (looking quite deranged, I imagine.)

"It was last night," Kabuto implored. "We were drunk. We didn't know what we were doing—"

"_Shut up!"_ I hissed, jabbing the pot in their general direction. "You mean you didn't know what you were doing when you filmed me in the first place? Eh? _Eh? EH??"_

"That was just a joke!" Kabuto insisted. "Really, Sasuke. I was going to keep it on my phone and show it to you after!"

"Oh were you, indeed?" I whispered, smiling dangerously. "Then you can show it to me right now. Go on," I added, jerking my head at the offending laptop that was sitting open on the kitchen table. "Bring the video up and let's all have a good laugh!"

And they did.

When I woke up this morning, I could not recall much of what happened the night before. As I watched the now infamous YouTube video, however, slowly but surely, memories began to trickle back into the empty, dehydrated and slightly shrivelled vessel that was my mind.

As I said in my last entry, we ended up driving all night to get out of Otogakure and away from the monks, and we finally crossed the border into Rain Country at about midday. Since we were all exhausted from taking turns at the wheel, Kakashi insisted that we pull over and get some real rest. This meant that we ended up surfacing from our bunks at seven pm, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed just as the sun was setting. Our sleep patterns thoroughly shot to hell, we decided to head on into Amegakure to see whether we could find some "breakfast" and, if we were lucky, something to do.

By eight-thirty, we had parked the bus and hit the city centre – all bright lights and traffic blurred through a light sheet of drizzle, the skyline dominated by a huge tower (which we later learned was the home of Nagato and his brothers). After wandering around aimlessly for a bit, letting the rain frizz our hair, we stumbled upon a yakitori stand and had a bite to eat. While we were at the stand, Jiraiya suggested we head out to see if we could find this cool karaoke bar he remembered going to with Oro and Tsunade when he was younger. As I was still a little grumpy from having done the three am shift, I rolled my eyes and said in a snide manner, "Look, Jiraiya. Really. How many years ago was that? You don't seriously think it'll still be there, do you?"

To which Jiraiya countered (with the usual brusqueness he employs when someone confronts him with logic), "Fine, Uchiha. Do you have any recommendations? Because if you have, then we'd all really like to hear them."

You should've seen his face when we found the bar exactly where he said it would be. It was the smuggest, most self-satisfied look I've ever seen on the man's face. It took all my powers of discipline to force myself not to draw back my hand and smack it off him.

At any rate, we decided to head inside and check the place out to see whether it met our (relatively lax) standards for boozing-den quality control (I mean, as it served alcohol, the proprietors were a shoe-in to be perfectly honest). As it was, the place was actually quite cool. The Beer Hall (as the sign outside indicated) was a basement venue, and dotted around the subterranean, low-lit space were a number of grungy-looking tables and chairs made from wooden beer barrels. In one shady corner was a pool table and pinball machine and in the other, the bar.

The clientele were a mixed bunch. Looking around I counted a fair number of sullen, long-haired heads bent over pints of cider (grungers mainly, as well as a few stray goths), a gaggle of guys and girls wearing lurid clothing and even more lurid make up (the indie-electro 80s revival crowd), and a number of serious looking individuals in black polo necks (the "holier than thou" poetry crowd). Despite the disparate nature of their respective scenes, they all had one thing in common: they each believed most sincerely that they were too good for the mainstream – whatever that is – and thus got on surprisingly well with one another. Also, because the clientele were something of a motley crew, no one batted an eyelid when nine damp people from Konoha trudged through the door, all wearing wellies because they had lost the only other pair of shoes they had packed the day before.

To our delight we discovered that they were doing a two-for-one pizza offer, and since it was early yet and not totally crammed with drunken revellers, we decided to stay, take advantage of the free pizzas and get some drinks in before heading back to the bus.

Unfortunately, Kiku also spotted the two-for-one cocktail jug offer. Turns out alcohol is really cheap in Amegakure (only ¥800 a jug) and there were loads of different types to choose from. To cut a long story short, we ended up taking advantage of that offer too, and by the time the rather attractive young lady arrived with the folder full of karaoke songs, we were a shade inebriated, and were thus open to suggestion. Naturally, Naruto was very keen on giving it a go, and put his name down first on the list. His wildly enthusiastic rendition of Rick Astley's _Never Gonna Give You Up_ (with actions – I suspect he had practised in front of the mirror) was met with surprising approval from the assembled grungers, and his initial performance sort of set the bar for the evening.

It was round about this point that we discovered Nagato and his brothers, because he got up to sing something with Bane and Kane. I'm not sure what the song was because I was bent under the table retrieving the little umbrella that fell from one of the jugs when the attractive karaoke lady introduced them, but it was rather liberally sprinkled with the word 'fuck' – so much so that the lyricist felt the need to comment on the fact that, at one point in the song, there were 'forty-six fucks in this fucked up rhyme.'

It appeared that Nagato and his brothers were quite popular, as their performance was greeted with general whooping and hollering – and it was during this whooping and hollering that Jiraiya decided to leap atop our bench and shout, his voice louder than everyone else's, "NAGATO! YO, NAGATO! OVER HERE!" Thus it was that our two parties became one; Bane, Dane, Kane, Shane, Zane and Nagato promptly gathered together their beers and crashed our table. Naruto was rather excited that real-life, proper "alternative" locals had come to sit next to us, and he was even more thrilled when Nagato showed signs of having known me prior to our meeting.

"Evening, Sasuke," Nagato said, offering his hand as he clambered over the beer barrel bench and squeezed in between Kakashi and I.

"Good evening," I replied, shaking his hand. "You must be Nagato?"

"Oh, I wonder what gave that away?" he said wryly, jerking his head in Jiraiya's direction. "And I was so careful too. Smoke?" he added, offering me a cigarette.

"No thanks. I don't smoke," I said politely, suddenly trying to keep track of two conversations at once, as I could hear Naruto chatting to Bane about piercings. I know he's wanted to get something done for ages, but Konoha-Suna have rather strict policies on body jewellery and have never allowed him. His chatting with Bane was rather ominous, as it could very well have descended into the murky depths of stupidity (i.e. Naruto having wasted money because the company made him take out the piercings upon threat of contract violation as soon as he got back).

"_Dude! Where did you get your plugs done?"_

"_Did it myself."_

"_Whaaaat? No way! How'd you do that?"_

"_Just got them pierced normally then went up a gauge every two weeks or so."_

"_Shit, dude, that's hardcore! Maaaaan, I really want a Prince Albert! And I wanna get my bridge pierced! And my eyebrow! And my tongue!"_

"_Yeah? I know a guy who could do it for you while you're here, no charge, since it's me who's asking."_

"_Awww, man! Really? That's fierce! Thanks, man!"_

"So Sasuke," Nagato said, lighting up, cigarette clenched between his teeth. "How did Oro like his present?"

"Ha, oh you should have seen his face when he opened the box," I said, grinning from ear to ear at the memory. "He loves it so much, Nagato, I can't tell you. He takes it to bed with him every night. Thanks so much for stealing it for me."

"No problem," he said. "All in a day's work. Besides, we're always a little slow around Christmas. Oh, wait one second— Yeah, sure Cindy. I'll be right up. Yeah, it's the SoaD track, that's me."

"Are you going up again then?" I asked him, pouring myself another large helping of the pink coloured Woo Woo Kiku had fetched from the bar. I blame my subsequent drunkenness on that Woo Woo. I could hardly taste the alcohol in it at all. It was quite lovely. Like fruit juice.

Nagato nodded. "I'm taking every chance I can get to unwind right now. Work's been a pain in the ass lately." Then he drained the last of his cider and said, "You not singing then?"

I heard myself laughing a sanctimonious and typically Uchihan laugh. "No," I said. "I don't sing."

I am still not quite sure how I came to be on the stage, but I do believe it may have been a combination of insistent pestering from Naruto ("Awww c'mon, Sasuke! Do Take on Me again! Do Take on Me!), Sakura having turned up with another tray of jugs filled with a weird blue cocktail that tasted like orange juice but not quite, and Jiraiya being a jerk ("Just leave him, Naruto. If he thinks he's too good for it, then let him sit there. Typical Uchiha party-killer. Just like his brother, if you ask me...")

I swear not a minute later, I was elbowing my way up onto the stage, butt-checking potential karaoke candidates out of the way left right and centre. My memory is a little hazy, but I do believe that once I had ungracefully clambered upon the stage I grabbed the microphone from the attractive female organiser and began to shout, while stabbing the air with an accusing finger, "I'll show you, Jiraiya! I'll show... I'll show you... you big HAIRY MAN! I'll show you I'm not a party-killer! I wanna sing A-ha. I wanna sing A-ha right now. Put it on. _Put it on!_"

I'm guessing it was round about then that Kakashi and Kabuto began to film me.

Now, from my past ramblings you may have got the impression that I am the sort of person to whom being almost painfully awesome comes naturally, that I am the sort of person who is known in the right circles as "effortlessly cool". This is not quite the case. For although my Uchihan charm gives me a natural boost, sometimes, one just has to put in a teensy bit of effort. It is true that I am not inclined towards karaoke and would not go out of my way to get up on stage – unlike my differently-abled friend Naruto - however, being an Uchiha, I constructed a contingency plan in case I found myself in a situation which demanded it. Thus I have in my arsenal a selection of classic karaoke songs that I have practised and practised and honed to perfection over the years (mainly in the shower or in front of my bedroom mirror, if I'm being honest). In constructing my performance of my chosen songs, I left nothing to chance: facial expressions, poses, moves were all accounted for.

So it was with a feeling of creeping horror that I watched Kabuto's YouTube video. He had, indeed, filmed me singing A-ha's 'Take on Me', and, as far as I could remember, I had pulled off a textbook performance: from the hand stretching out towards the sky when I hit the high E, to my stage strut, the twirling of the mic lead, my rock stance #3 (with my foot resting on one of the floor amps) and the somewhat melodramatic sinking to my knees when I hit the final high E to roars of rapturous applause. At the end of the video, when I was jumping off the stage to make way for Jiraiya, Kabuto turned the camera round and Kakashi's big, stupid face appeared. Grinning like a loon, Kakashi said, "We're going to show _this_ to you later, Sasuke!" gave a thumbs up and Kabuto shut it off.

In Nagato's kitchen, I leaned forward on the table and pinched the bridge of my nose. Kakashi and Kabuto were watching me, gauging my reaction with apprehension apparent in every line of their idiot visages. Thankfully, it wasn't as bad as I had feared. I didn't fluff any notes and I wasn't quite drunk enough at the time to trip and embarrass myself. Actually, my performance exhibited all the qualities for which I had designed it: my stunning vocal range, my grace and poise in the art of booty-shaking, and my alluring sexual ambiguity that has men and women falling for me in equal measure. And now, thanks to my moronic acquaintances, the whole world may experience my supreme awesomeness in the comfort of their own homes. Nonetheless, what Kakashi and Kabuto had done merited _at least_ a prolonged falling-out, and I resolved to be brusque with them for a few days at least.

Trying to hide the secret smile that was threatening to give me away I stood up, scraping my chair across the floor with a rude squawk.

"Look, we're really sorry, Sasuke," Kakashi said frankly. "Do you want us to take it down?"

"I'd rather you didn't," I said in a lofty tone. "Someone will have downloaded it already, and if you delete it, then it will be posted elsewhere in the blink of an eye. I'd prefer knowing who's watching it to not knowing, thank-you-very-much."

"Okay, Sasuke," Kabuto replied, clearly relieved that I seemed to be taking it well. "We'll make it up to you by moderating the comments."

"You'd better," I said, before informing them, in a self-righteous tone, that I was going to look for Naruto because Jiraiya had mentioned something about leaving at one-thirty so we could put in a good few miles on the road to Takigakure.

As of this moment, we are on the bus, still waiting for Naruto. God knows where he's got to. We've been phoning him for the past half hour, and when Sakura finally got through to him, all he said was, "Give me twenty minutes, dude, I'm almost done. Bane and Dane're bringin' me back on their way to work. I told them where the bus is."

I don't know what he's been up to, but I fear the worst.

July 22nd

DAY FOUR

Ho hum. Tis a new dawn and a new day. Against all odds and without incident, we have reached Takigakure: Land of Lovely Waterfalls (if the "Welcome to Takigakure" border sign is to be believed). It remains to be seen whether the waterfalls of Takigakure will be as lovely as those in Otogakure – and believe you me, I shall be making comparisons. Having lived in Otogakure for almost a year now, I have become something of a waterfall snob, and I shall be highly impressed if the falls of Takigakure meet my expectations. The boss has informed me that the Kegon falls are of particular loveliness and also informed me that if I do not take the opportunity to see them while I am here, he will never forgive me. So I have bullied the others into going to see them before we head round to the manuscripts and incunabula museum at Taki no Kuni National Library. Sakura really wants to see the _Genji_ scrolls because they've put them out on display – and apparently that never happens.

Naruto is coming to the falls but has been banned from the library. Considering his track record on this trip so far, I am beginning to have my doubts about letting him loose at the falls.

Oh yes. I forgot to mention. Naruto has a tattoo – the second idiot thing he has done this week. Bane remained true to his word and spirited Naruto away yesterday morning to see a tattoo artist called Chi, who was only too willing to pander to Naruto's inexplicable need to have a nine-tailed, flaming demon fox inked, half-sleeve style, onto his upper arm. He is not allowed to remove the dressing just yet, but while Sakura was driving, Naruto let me have a peek. Through the red, weeping and swollen skin, I could discern the fox-like shape, all big ears and swirling tails. It was in a sort of pouncing position, as though it were leaping down from somewhere high, and done in what Naruto informed me was a "tribal style".

I asked him what he would do about work, and he said that as long as he wore three quarter sleeves when he was in Konoha, he would probably be okay. I nodded and then expressed my relief that he had not opted for any piercings. Curiosity then began to get the better of me as we were chatting and I inquired as to the significance of his tattoo (I mean really – why a fox? His favourite animals have always been variations on a theme of amphibians.) Strangely triumphant, Naruto replied, "Cos I wanted something to remind me of the trip, I guess, and cos this has been, like, the most memorable thing I've ever done. I guess I picked the fox cos it's like a big fuck you to those snake guys who wanted to kill me, heh heh." I said, "Oh, I see."

Then he asked me one of those deep and meaningful questions that always catch me off guard when they come from Naruto. He asked me, "If you got a tattoo, Sasuke, what would you get?"

I sort of blinked in a befuddled manner before replying. "I don't know," I said, truthfully, scratching my head.

"Come on, man!" Naruto chirped encouragingly. "You've gotta have an idea at least."

But truly, _truly_, I did not have the faintest. Since I am prone to documenting even the most mundane episodes of my life in minute detail, there is nothing that has gone unremembered. Everything in my life has been memorable – from recent, life-changing events such as changing jobs, getting together with the boss and my assault trial, to trivial events of my childhood such as the time when I called Itachi home from work because an older boy at the Academy took my Walkman and he went round to his house, beat the crap out of him and got my Walkman back. If the Walkman episode was so memorable, then should I get a tattoo of one? No. Methinks that is not quite how it works.

I ended up retreating to my bunk and pulling the curtain closed, with intent on mulling over Naruto's unwittingly profound philosophical question. What sort of icons could symbolise aspects of my life? Could I even isolate any aspects of my life that held meaning for me? That one, I must say, brought on a boss-like sulking state of contemplation, and I angrily fobbed off all attempts my bus-mates made at getting me to come out and watch Superbad with them.

At this point, I feel I must bring up the odd, displaced sense one gets when travelling long stretches by bus. You see, it is not quite as fun-filled a process as one assumes at first. Yes, in the initial day or two, it is all drinking, partying and endless hedonism, but once that wears off, you find that there is, basically, an awful lot of driving across vast expanses of countryside that you have to be part of. Everything begins to look the same, and the boundaries between countries, towns, villages begin to blur, and you only notice you're in a different place when you wake up one morning and the sky's more blue and the cows look different.

Thus, there is rather a lot of time which one may devote to inner contemplation. I have begun to call label this "bus time". I have also labelled the odd, displaced feeling one attains during bus time as the "bus state", and during my bus time induced state, my thoughts drifted from tattoos and I began to contemplate my life via the means of one particular diminutive and somewhat secret part of me: my long pube.

The long pube, as I have always known it, sits just underneath my navel. To the untrained eye it would appear at first glance to be a mere pubic hair, but it is rather special in that it is set apart from my other pubes in terms of colour, length, thickness and location. My normal pubes which reside downstairs are at present time uniformly black, neatly trimmed and numerous in number. There is nothing remarkable in the least about those pubes, and their only purpose, I believe, is to represent the average against which the exceptional may be judged. The exceptional, in this instance, is my long pube. Going completely against the grain and standing out from the crowd, it is white blonde in colour and its thickness and lustre is greater than that of my run-of-the-mill pubes. It also grows at an astounding rate, and I find myself having to cut it off at frequent intervals so as to inhibit its potential for embarrassment.

During my bus time state, the conclusion of my rather literal bout of navel-gazing was that the long pube was a metaphor for my life. I am the exceptional long pube, set apart from the average pubes by virtue of my inherent qualities. That I am set apart, however, is not always a good thing, for I am more likely to be cut down this way and thus prevented from fulfilling my potential. And it is true! There is always something that happens to me to shit on whatever good fortune I have accrued – whether the scissors of doom are represented in Itachi, my uncle Madara, or the boss making me feel like shit after an argument, or whether it is the fault of the common pubes for making me stand out, represented in one of my idiot workmates screwing up and leaving me to deal with their mess, or one of my arsehole friends uploading a video of me singing to YouTube.

I have resolved from now on not to let myself be cut short like the long pube, and I have also resolved to embrace my long pube status from now on – to celebrate being exceptional, rather than shying away from it. Although, saying that, I realised that I would still have to trim the long pube (because the boss spent fifteen minutes staring at it one night and it made me feel self-conscious) and thus with the aid of Kiku's nail scissors, I cut it with all the reverence it deserved and taped it to Sai's bunk. Hopefully, Sai will then realise what it means to be exceptional in front of the majesty of my long pube, and he will fall to his knees, weeping copiously, and will rise – born anew – and will no longer be as boring.

Here's hoping. I mean, seriously, man. Get some personality! My normal pubes have more magnetism than he does. All he's done since we left Nagato's is stare out of the window and sketch. You'd think he'd never been outside before or something...

LATER:

For the record: having done a bit of digging, I can confirm that Sai has not been outside since he left university. He went straight to work at Root after graduation and their residential apartment blocks for employees are in the same building complex as the HQ itself – a bit like the boss's arrangement for Otogakure Enterprises. All his laundry is done for him, his food is delivered and any extras he needs to buy are shipped to his front door after the permission form has cleared. Furthermore, since he started working for Danzou, his activities have been confined to the workplace – his apartment is the place where he sleeps, nothing more. All this was said with an eerie, unsettlingly agreeable smile.

I think I might be scared of Sai.

LATER:

So, it is 9:30pm and we are driving around the outskirts of Takigakure in search of somewhere to park the bus so we can shut up shop for the night. We went to the manuscripts and incunabula museum, then collected Naruto and headed over to the Kegon falls. I must say that the falls were quite lovely (they held their own against those in Otogakure), and we ended up staying there for longer than we had originally intended. We were lucky to find a good spot with a picnic bench and we commandeered it, opened a few cans from the cool-bag and sat there talking and being a shade boisterous until the sun went down. It was probably the most fun I've had on this trip yet, and I took loads of pictures which I shall be sending to the boss forthwith.

The incunabula museum was very interesting, and to my surprise, Jiraiya absolutely loved it. He is into writing and books in a **big** way, and I found out that he got a first-class degree in literature and language studies from the University of Konoha. Who knew Jiraiya was that smart? I'm not sure why, but I ever since I found out he went to university with the boss I assumed he'd dropped out or something because he is so intellectually unlike him. Not quite so surprising, however, was the topic of his undergraduate dissertation: medieval erotic literature. We found a manuscript containing some fabliaux tales and Jiraiya treated Kiku and I to an in-depth and enthusiastic account of how amazing and hilarious they are. I couldn't read the writing on the page, but Jiraiya could and he read it out to us and told us a few of the tales. I suppose the story about the knight who could make cunts talk was fairly amusing, if vulgar. His taste in literature speaks volumes about Jiraiya's sense of humour, though, and now I can confidently describe it as "medieval".

While I am on the subject, I do have one thought for the day which I must write down, and it is this:

Whoever says they like the smell of old books is a liar. They have obviously never before smelled an old book. They are invariably musty, usually dusty and some of them smell of vomit. And the residue of the parchment pages (ink, hairs, anthrax, whatever), if one happens to rub ones eyes having forgotten to wash them despite the warning sign on the wall, stings like buggery.

Old books are not friendly. They are a veritable minefield of disasters and one has to tread carefully. Especially when you are shouted down for giving in to temptation and touching the sparkly blue and gold giant letter O at the beginning of a book. Ha. That was so worth the telling-off. I totally stuck it to those librarians - and I touched it again when they turned round.

I would also like to quietly confess that it is my birthday tomorrow. The reason for the quiet confession is that I am testing my friends. I have not breathed a word about it, so it will be testament to their devotion to me as to whether they remember it or not. So far Naruto is the only one who has shown signs, as he keeps waggling his eyebrows at me in a conspiratorial fashion and whispering "Guess who's birthday it is tomorrow, Sasuke?" I suspect Sakura will have remembered, and Kakashi too, and I am expecting a phone call from the boss. I'm not sure about the rest of the bus, and Sai has only just met me (though strictly speaking, he should make an effort to find out, the lazy bastard).

So yes... tomorrow should be interesting. Not least because we're heading over to Iwagakure. If my memory serves me correctly, Deidara comes from that neck of the woods, and he has a studio there that he uses when he has some down time. I wonder if he would let us crash for a night or two, because the bus is starting to smell a bit funny. I mean it's not noticeable when you're used to it, but when we came back from the fresh, outdoor air of the falls it was pungent enough to make me wrinkle my nose, so it definitely needs an airing.

July 23rd

DAY FIVE

My Birthday

4.56am

It is fair to say that this the most memorable start to a birthday I have ever known in my lifetime. Also, I think I may have solved my tattoo dilemma.

The boss is here and asleep in the top bunk. He has cocooned himself in the duvet with Snakey (I don't think the boss can sleep without him now – look at me assigning personal pronouns to a stuffed snake) and I am thinking about joining him, as I am tired and very sore and grinning like a man possessed. This is because I have just spent the past few hours being naked and intimate with the boss on the roof of a double decker bus in the middle of pretty much nowhere.

It all started at round about half past one in the morning. I am not sure at exactly what time, as I was tossing and turning fitfully in my bunk, drifting in and out of consciousness in that way you do when you can't really get to sleep. Everyone else was sound asleep; even Jiraiya and Kiku because I could no longer detect the furtive fabric fumbling noises they always make when trying to muffle the sounds of them feeling each other up under the covers. As I said, I was the only bus resident who was awake. Thus no one heard my little yelp of shock when my ringtone went off in the middle of the night, startling me a great deal in the process. Bewildered and grumpy, I slipped my hand under my pillow to retrieve my phone and – just my bloody luck – as soon as I pressed the green button to answer it, whoever was calling me hung up. I then checked my missed calls, but didn't recognise the number, so I flipped myself over angrily and tried to get back to sleep. I should have guessed then it was the boss. He only let me have four or five rings before hanging up. He's so impatient.

However, the boss is nothing if not persistent, because a few seconds later, my phone vibrated and beeped shrilly to let me know I had a text. With a snarl, I snatched my phone from under the pillow once again and perused the contents. Instantly, my expression morphed from one of exhausted irritation to one fully alert and fearful. This is because the text said:

"I can see the bus. I'm coming to surprise you. Open the door. x"

In a flash, my mind went through a list of people who knew I was on this road trip. When it reached the section containing Kakuzu, Deidara, Sasori, Zetsu, Hidan and Kisame, I leapt from my bed and began to creep downstairs. Any sort of surprise from them, I was certain, would not be beneficial to my health, well-being or dignity. My goal was to reach the hold where I knew Jiraiya had stored a baseball bat for use in just such occasions. It was dark in there, and I caught my big toe in the handle of someone's recklessly placed hold-all. Despite that trivial mishap, however, I eventually retrieved the bat, and, closing the door to the hold as quietly as I could behind me, I stole along the length of the bus, my plan already formed in my head. It was fairly basic and relied heavily on the element of surprise, but I was sure it would work. And even if it did not, there were eight other people on the bus who would be more than willing to jump on an idiot Akatsuki Group higher-up if something went wrong.

So, with as much stealth as I could muster, approached the emergency button that opened the doors and, taking a deep galvanising breath, I smashed it with my fist and came out swinging as the pneumatic hinges hissed and the doors slid apart. Now, I admit that it was a little dramatic, but you must understand that it was the only way I could get through the message to someone like Deidara or Kakuzu that it was not okay to come and "surprise" me in the middle of the night in a bus in the back of beyond.

Imagine my surprise when I was not confronted with an Akatsuki moron, but with the boss, who looked rather shocked and angry to be confronted with his significant other wielding a baseball bat with intent to damage his person.

"Sasuke-kun!" he yelled. "What are you—? _Stop! It's me, you stupid boy! Put that thing down this instant!_"

Halting mid-arc, I felt my jaw drop. I also felt a ferociously hot blush creeping over my cheeks as the realisation of my stupidity began to settle. The bat clattered to the floor, and I concealed my embarrassment in the traditional tried-and-tested manner: by getting angry.

"What do you think you're doing? I hissed, gesturing wildly though it would not have had much effect considering we were standing in the pitch dark at the side of a deserted country road.

"Isn't that obvious?" the boss retorted coolly. "I came here to surprise you."

"You're creeping about out here like a fucking rapist!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Sasuke-kun. I would not rape you. I always ask first."

I paused for a moment to let the meaning of the boss's last words sink in, turning them over in my head in case I had missed some sort of verbal nuance that would make what he had said any less sinister. Finding nothing, I then said, in a monotone, "Do you have any idea how wrong that sounded?"

The boss did not answer me, but instead walked over to where he had left a large cardboard box sitting on the ground. I followed behind and helped him lift it through the door. Several questions were floating around my addled mind, pestering me and wanting to be answered. I sorted through them all and chose the ones that were puzzling me most.

"Why didn't you put your name on the text?" I said. "All the bat-swinging could have been avoided, you know."

The boss shrugged and said it had slipped his mind. He had also forgot to bring his phone with him and had to borrow from the driver who had dropped him off. I sighed and moved onto the next point of contention.

"And how did you know we were here?" I asked in all honesty, since we were approximately somewhere (and I emphasise the word 'somewhere' most strongly) between Takigakure and Iwagakure with no sign of civilisation in sight.

The boss turned and flashed me a winning smile. "Because I installed a tracking device on the bus the night before you left."

Once again, metaphorically speaking, my jaw hit the floor.

"O-Orochimaru-sama," I began, not quite able to believe how many steps the boss had ascended on the creepiness scale in the space of a minute, "is that not illegal?"

"Not if it is GPS," he replied smoothly.

"But why—?"

"Because I wanted to surprise you," he answered, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, turning round and smiling another one of those winning smiles at me. "I purposefully gave you time off during your birthday and I hoped we might spend it together, but since Naruto decided to whisk you away, I had to come up with another plan. What better way, I thought, than to surprise you upon the very hour of your birth? Though, in order to do that, I would have to know where you were so I could travel to you. Hence the tracking device."

"Oh," I said somewhat lamely. I supposed it wasn't quite so creepy if you put it like that. Technically, the boss was being romantic. What did it matter if he installed a GPS tracking device somewhere upon the bus without my knowledge in order to keep tabs on me? I managed a small smile.

"So what do you want to do now you're here?" I asked. "There's no way we can go upstairs because everyone'll hear."

It was then I noticed the dangerous glint in his eye.

"Why, Sasuke-kun," he purred, snaking his arms around my waist and pulling me outside once again, "I thought you would never ask..."

Thus, with the aid of the driver's window, the front windscreen wipers, the wing mirrors and some of the little sticky out rubber bits that held the windows in place, we clambered up the front of the bus and onto the roof. It was filthy up there and we had to select the spot with the least amount of bird poop upon which to do the deed, but once we had, our clothes were off and it was down to business. I must say it was rather fantastic. I've never had sex outdoors before and I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. This was probably because there was little to no chance of anyone randomly passing by to catch us – and the only way we would conceivably be spotted was if Naruto or someone else woke up, heard odd rhythmic thumping noises on the roof and opened the skylight to see what the hell was going on.

Fortunately, they did not, as the boss and I reined ourselves in, and once we had shagged ourselves silly were able to slip back inside the bus unnoticed. Getting back down from the roof is not something I would consider doing again without a ladder. On the way in, we passed the giant box and I had to resist the overwhelming urge to squeeze the boss and never let go when I asked him what was in it and he told me it was filled with shoes. Shoes! The boss is so practical, I cannot tell you. Along with Kabuto's ticket to Tea in the Park, the boss had brought my birthday present, and it is utterly fabulous and oh-so-civilised. He has booked a baroque ensemble, plus soloists, to perform privately at the compound! For me! I am _so_ excited. I should start listening to classical music so I can talk to the performers afterwards and not look like an ignorant tit.

Unfortunately though, the boss isn't staying. He has to be back in Otogakure to catch a flight over to Konoha so he can live the high life at the spa with Tsunade. Yes, I am still jealous. He has asked me if we can make a detour and drop him off at Iwagakure airport, and I said that I did not think anyone would protest. After all, the boss has supplied shoes, which means we will no longer have to wear embarrassing wellies when we venture outside! Everyone's going to be so stoked when they wake up.

Oh well. So far, it has been a brilliant start to the day. I'd better get some sleep because I'm supposed to be driving at 10:00. Only thing is, the boss has commandeered my preferred bunk and has begun flailing already (probably because he's not in his normal environment). I guess I'll simply have to squish him up against the wall. That'll teach him for being so thoughtful.

* * *

AN: Sorry about the delay in posting. Had to do some work for uni for a change (and I still should be doing work, so... err... heheheh). I also wasted a whole night (how dare I?) indulging in my unnatural love for countertenors. It's the first time for ages that I've sat and carefully listened to a whole album right the way through.

Manga-wise, I think I might be starting to like Madara - and I'm very glad I guessed that Kishimoto would turn Itachi into the protective brother. I took this into account for my future Madara/Itachi/Sasuke plotline, and I was a bit pissed off at the thought of having to alter it when Itachi had his GIMMEUREYESBOY moment. But no longer! Woo and yay and such!

Hopefully you guys will have stuck with the fic and won't have forgotten about it over the long delay. To remedy this, I think I should thank you.

**BMIk** (What a shrewd observation! And I can reveal that you are not over-analyzing, but you've picked up on one of those subtle little somethings I'm going to deal with later on. It seems my reviewers are clever. Must make more of an effort to conceal things in future...)

**NayanRoo** (Yay! You came back! It's nice to see Oro/Sasu fans sticking together. :-) And you should definitely take more zoology classes. Animals are the best. Thanks very much for the nice comment about me cramming in references to myths and legends. It's fun to slip them in there, too, to see if anyone spots them.)

**chibibaka1** (Thanks for the positive comments about the Naruto myths and legends stuff. I don't know too much about them, but I did try. :-) I'm glad you liked Jiraiya's list too. It's modelled on my own list of stuff I always take to festivals (obviously without the Oro anecdotes). And I think you should write that crack Itachi fanfic. It'd be lulzworthy. XD)

**fiore777** (Hello thar! Always nice to see you around. :-) Hoo, yes. Orochimaru in the nude. Talk about his massive, uncircumcised wang. Something of a surprise, that was, and worthy of major lulz. I felt sorry for canon Saskue when I saw it (though I think Kabuto would have been able to handle it.) That Immodium story is actually true. Happened to a friend of mine the second time I went to T in the Park. I tried not to laugh too much at her expense, but...)

**ArilianaFireQueen** (You were at a leadership conference in Washigton D. C.? That sounds rather sophisticated. Did you have to do presentations or anything, or were you just there to listen to other people speaking? What's up with your friend's parents not letting her come onto this site (I'm assuming they're strict). Oh well. Tell your friend I said hello and that I hope she likes the fic! :-))

**NaruGuru** (Yay! Staying up late to read fanfiction is what life's all about. At least it is for me. And substitute reading for writing. Hell, I stay up til three in the morning for no reason at all, so there ain't nothing wrong with that! Officially, Sasuke's kitty is being taken care of by Oro (but everyone knows it is really the house staff). The bus, I think, would be fun for about a week, until the lack of privacy started eating away, bit by bit, at my sanity. Hooray for the bus, though. And hooray for your reviews! Hope you liked this chapter okay.)

**Nozomi-sama** (The hilarious thing about the sword and the magic sake bottle was that it was true. Honestly, I mean I know some people like to read shounen manga for the ridiculous techniques (in the style of DBZ) but being a little bit more grown up, I do like a bit of foreshadowing etc. to introduce these sorts of things, rather than have the author pull them out of his arse when he needs to kill someone off. Also, you may inform your lawyers that I do not take any responsibility for laughter induced deaths. :-P)

**bandgeek4547** (Hee hee, glad to be of service. Cheers for the nice review. I always appreciate them. Oh, I am so happy you laughed at Jiraiya's comment about the condoms on the list. It was one of those little things that made me smirk myself when I put it in. It's just such a Jiraiya thing to say.)

**OroGirl21** (Woo! Hello there! Thanks so much for all the nice comments. It makes me tingle inside with happiness when people take the time to review. Sorry for the late update, but I hope you liked this chapter. I am glad you like Sai and Naruto - it's so much fun to write Naruto, seriously. You basically get to think like a damn fool for a while, and that's definitely a good way to pass the time. )

**SlythCommand** (Hello again! Thanks so much for the review - you must have read quite a lot of my stuff, now that I come to think of it, lol. Yes, Naruto really is the dumbest guy ever. And he is so much fun to write. XD)

**danni quinn** (Ahhh... once again you've put your finger on something that I've been thinking about myself. See, with the introduction of Madara, Kishi has effectively blown the Rules Of Life out of the water - namely that one usually shuffles off one's mortal coil when you reach the 100+ mark. I had to include Madara, so I just chopped a couple of decades off his age. I'm thinking in this fic he's the same age as Sarutobi (and I've put the First and the Second in with them). The Sannin are fifty, Kakashi and his lot are in their mid-thirties, Kiku is sixteen and just out of school and Team Seven are in their mid twenties. Something like that. It's still a bit sketchy. As for Tobi and Madara... well I have to confess I'm still hanging on to see what Kishi does with them. :-))

**Niver** (Yay! You're back! Yeah, the manga chapter where Oro popped out (and I'm not talking about his epic, uncircumcised manhood of doom) was a bit meh. Obviously the whole scene was a bit of plot-no-jutsu on Kishi's part so he could get Oro out of Sasuke and put an end to the 'will he, won't he' debate on Oro taking over. And now that Itachi's jutsu have passed to Sasuke, what now? Imma confoosed! :-( Oh, but I'm so glad you liked the chapter. I, too, would go by Jiraiya's list, simply because it's actually mine (though I made it less boring by adding Jiraiya-esque tales to it. :-))

**YoungSasuke** (Oooh, a new reviewer! Thanks so much for the nice comments, I always appreciate nice reviews. Hope you liked this chapter and that the delay wasn't too long. :-))

**Kokura** (Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lovely review. Really. It made me smile. Most of all, I love the fact that it surpassed your expectations, or at least subverted them. It's something that really appeals to me on a fundamental level, subverting expectations, I mean. I guess it's why I like countertenors so much, and I tend to do it a lot when I'm writing one-shots. And the foreshadowing... I'm rather glad you're picking up on the ominous stormclouds. Shit will eventually hit the fan, because that's what happens in canon, but it's how it's going to happen that I guess is still the mystery. There are clues already, but I don't want to spoil my own fic for you, lol. Oh yeah, it is Lu-Tze from Discworld. Terry Pratchett is the King.)

**ChibiKeimei** (Hee. The thought of the Sannin (especially Oro) going to a music festival makes me want to fall about laughing. Jiraiya would be in his element, seriously. XD The bus would be fun - for about a week when I would probably kill everyone else in it due to lack of bus privacy. As for the manga, I was a bit pissed off at first, but I'm loving the potential of the Madara/Itachi/Sasuke triangle. I want to see Saskue emotionally tortured (and what the hell Itachi was all about). Should be interesting.

**Patrick** (Yay, Patrick! I always love your reviews. And in return for being so kind I shall answer your questions. Jiraiya's list is, indeed, based from real festival experience. In fact, I pretty much took my own list and gave it a Jiraiya-esque twist. Oh, your suggestion for ending the last chapter made me lol rather hard. If I someone reading my fic and it ended like that, I would've reached through the screen and strangled myself. XD Neji is the psychiatrist because, as you rightly pointed out, he has a rather keen ability to read the thoughts and emotions of others. In this universe, he resents the Hyuuga family because they come from a long line of psychiatrists and accountants, and if you are a Hyuuga, you're pretty much doomed to become one. Sasuke's severance from Itachi... well... it's not quite come to that yet. He's going to see him a couple more times before they part ways for the final time (at least in this fic-verse). Finally, the names for those bands are just worthy of so much lulz. Especially Samehada, the shredder band. It's so excellent, I think I might have to use it. I'll put you in the author's notes at the start. You kind of deserve it anyway because you're so brilliant.)

**DeisClayDragon** (Whatever you do, don't defenestrate your computer. Defenestration never solves anything. Even if it deletes your reviews. Nah, I'm just kidding. Don't worry about it. As long as you liked the chapter, it's all cool with me. :-))

**Zinjah** (Yes, I already sent you a PM about your review. I'm sorry if I sounded a little pissed off - kneejerk reaction and all that.)

**Aperion** (Yay! Another new reviewer - but not a new reader! Thanks for taking the time to let me know you like it. :-) You were very close as regards my location. I'm a little further north - in Scotland, to be precise, hence the British English spelling and other possibly strange idiomatic expressions. Also, you have made a rather shrewd observation on the part of Itachi and Madara. Something is going on, but it's not quite on the level of molestation, lol. Leave that to Oro. XD)

**natwel** (Hi again! Always good to see you around the fandom. What do you think of the latest Itachi developments? I was happy either way with characterisation - whether he was being the crazy man or the protective brother - but I'm beginning to like the idea of Sasuke being emotionally tortured by the fact he caused his brother's death. I do love a good bit of angst. As far as the fic goes, yes Jiraiya's list was actually based on my own festival list. Obviously, I had to make some Jiraiya-esque additions. Also, I agree with you on Naruto fanboying over Sasuke. I miss his prankster days. :-( )

**R. J. Green** (Hello there, you rotting corpse of anticipation! XD That is an excellent expression, and I suppose it could work, because technically, there _is_ a lot going on in a rotting corpse... Oh lawdy. Did I just write that? But yes, you are right to be suspicious of the Itachi/Madara thing. There is something going on, but... gah, I would love to tell you, but I can't. Glad you liked Naruto's epic shrine faux-pas. I was dying with laughter when I was writing it.)

**Dooki** (Hey, I know you! I reviewed your fic the other day. It was pretty damn funny. Cheers for returning the favour, and I hope you liked this chapter. :-))


	31. Chapter 31

A Day in the Life

--

* * *

AN: Zinjah, dude, sorry for the misunderstanding. :-)

* * *

--

July 23rd

DAY FIVE

My Birthday

11:32am

Thus far upon my special day I have not yet run into any major obstacles. In fact, it is all going rather well – especially since my bus mates, as a treat, agreed to let me off with driving today, which means I had some time to spend with the boss before we dropped him off at the airport. Everyone was surprised to see him, and he was bombarded with questions. The most oft-repeated of those questions was "How on earth did you know where we were?" Wisely, the boss decided to keep quiet about the creepy tracking device and cunningly managed to fob them off by revealing the box of replacement shoes. This, needless to say, caused a genuine frission of excitement throughout the bus and they ran – actually ran – to inspect the contents. Kabuto directed me a significant look, though, which leads me to believe that he either knows or suspects. I'm not surprised in the least. He is the only other person present who has had prior experience of the boss in terms of romance.

I feel I must also report that my present haul was none too shabby either, making up for my being woken at an extraordinarily unsociable hour by an enthusiastic Naruto thrusting a badly wrapped gift under my nose and saying, "Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke, dude, wake up. Wake up, I've got your present, Sasuke. Dude. Dude, helloooooo? You awake? You awake, eh? Sasuke? Dude, wake up, it's— Oh, you're awake! Hee! Dude, don't look at me like that, it's your birthday, man, you've gotta be happy! Wha... wait a sec who's that? Oh, hey, Oro! When'd' ya get here? Last night? Sweeeeet. Now tell Sasuke to open his present!"

Not long after that, everyone else surfaced (because when Naruto gets up, everyone else gets up) and sleepily handed over the loot. The gifts were in no way extravagant, but everyone had managed to pick something they knew I would either really love or use, and I much prefer that to anything else. I shall supply my Loot List forthwith.

Official Loot List

The boss: the classical music experience and sex on the roof of a bus.

Naruto: _Squee's Wonderful Big Giant Book of Unspeakable Horrors_ and an I.O.U. one day of complete silence voucher (This, I will definitely use.)

Sakura: _Akhnaten_ by Philip Glass on CD and _The Art of Always Being Right_ by Arthur Schopenhauer (Sakura knows me far too well.)

Kakashi: a huge box of Jelly Belly beans and an utterly fantastic retro ringer shirt bearing the immortal words: "Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night." (Sakura punched me in the arm when I snorted with laughter, but I am _so_ wearing it at Tea in the Park!)

Kabuto: the new Radiohead album and the Game of the Year edition of Elder Scrolls IV for the PS3.

Jiraiya and Kiku: a pair of gold cufflinks, subtle and stylish with a tiny diamond embedded in the bottom corner of each, and a water bomb launcher (was he really serious about that condom crack?)

Sai: a rather lovely silver Cross fountain pen, a bottle of ink to go with it, a big bag of liquorice and a beautiful notebook with an ink and wash landscape parchment binding (which, Sai said with a smile, he painted himself. I now feel guilty about taping my pube to his bed. But not really.)

A rather lovely set of presents, if I may say so. No cards from the Akatsuki lot yet, but I'll get them soon, no doubt, because we are currently on route to Deidara's house in Iwagakure. How he found out about where we were, I do not know, but I have a suspicion it is something to do with Kabuto. I saw him doing a spot of furtive texting in the upstairs lounge earlier on and the invite was received not long after. Now I know why he wanted to go to Iwagakure when we were planning out our trip. Ah well. I shouldn't complain really, as it means we won't have to stop in at a dodgy, roach-infested motel. Hooray!

LATER:

3:03pm

We have arrived at Deidara's house/studio safe and sound. Having been here for, oh, let's say just over forty-five minutes, I can categorically state that I have acquired many, many first impressions of Iwagakure and its people. Foremost, I would say, is that the locals are mental. Batshit mental. I know now where Deidara gets it from.

When we were driving through town trying to find the way to Deidara's, our bus elicited a variety of reactions from random, local passers-by. Most common among them were: 1) hooting, hollering and waving like a bunch of baboons; 2) issuing forth streams of verbal abuse in the local patois; or 3) picking up a nearby pebble and launching it just as we passed in order to hear the satisfying crack as it bounced off the reinforced glass of the back window. Naruto was driving at the time and Jiraiya wanted him to stop the bus so he could "step out and deal out some serious fucking damage", but we managed to convince him not to. Iwagakure jails are notorious, after all. The minute you set foot in one, you'd likely contract hepatitis or something.

Deidara's house/studio is equally insane. So much so that in order to explain why, I shall have to supply an extra special gaming analogy.

Now, I am not the most avid gamer. I do partake in a spot of it now and again (bloody Kabuto getting me hooked on Elder Scrolls IV – that's three weeks of my life I'll never get back), but I am not what you would call an expert. I do, however, remember a particular game that belonged to Naruto, released fairly soon after the launch of the PSX. It was called Loaded and was set in an insane asylum full of murderous, rampaging lunatics. The object of the game (so far as there was any discernible object) was to blow the living shit out of anything that crossed your path. The concept was nightmarish in the extreme, and you had to fight your way out of a hellish, labyrinthine structure decorated with sprays of dried blood, manacles, stretchers and rusting IV drips. It unnerved me and excited me at the same time, and I have since developed a love for games where you're trapped inside a building, chaos abounding, and you have to shoot your way out. Resident Evil springs immediately to mind, as Deidara's house/studio reminds me uncomfortably of the Arklay mansion in the first instalment of the series.

The reason I describe it as a house/studio, is that even though Deidara has had an extension specially built onto the back of his property to serve as a studio, in reality, his home _is_ his studio. His artwork is crammed into every inch of the place: you turn and strange, gnarled, ghoulish, sculpted apparitions leer at you from sudden corners; violent, swirling abstracts splattered on bare canvas are crammed upon every available inch of wall space; and half-finished projects and dust sheets are littered about everywhere. The first thing I noticed when Deidara opened the door to us, wearing a smock, grinning like a maniac and covered in blue paint, was that there isn't a straight line in the whole damn house. Everything is curved or wavy or pliable somehow – and everything seems to be made of wood. It's like living inside a giant, illuminated tree. I wish I could say that that is the limit to its strangeness. Alas, it is not, for, as Deidara proudly announced while he was giving us the tour, when he designed his house, he included a number of hidden passageways. This announcement creeped me out just a tad, and I instantly had flashbacks to the part in REmake where you come across George Trevor's notes and discover he had tried to escape the mansion for weeks through the secret tunnels only to discover, when he finally became trapped, that the mad bugger he was running from had installed a tombstone with his name carved on it, and had, presumably, planned his demise from the off. When I mentioned this to Deidara, he laughed one of his short, chattering laughs and told me that that had been where he'd got the idea from. Kabuto, Kakashi and I exchanged significant looks.

"And you guys can have fun trying to find them later, if you like!" he chirped as he led us upstairs and round a few corners to the bedrooms. "But if you do, keep your phone on, or it might be a while before I find you, ha ha!"

Given Deidara's track record, that last comment did nothing to reassure me in the least.

It really is a bizarre place. A fitting tribute, I feel, to Deidara's idiosyncratic and twisted genius. Also fitting because some of his bizarre colleagues are also staying. Turns out that Deidara and Sasori have established something of an artists' _entente cordiale_ and have been working together on various projects in their free time that have astounded the art world and shaken it to its core – so much so, that their latest piece has been short listed in the final entries of the annual Gurner Prize. The judges will announce the winner on the 26th at the local gallery and a good chunk of the Akatsuki mob have shown up in order to provide moral support (read: to suppress the outraged cries of any dissenting critics). Kisame, Kakuzu, Hidan, Zetsu and Konan are all here, which means room space is at a premium. Yes, they have already laughed at me for the YouTube video. Despite this, we have graciously agreed to attend the exhibition. I'm bunking in with Naruto and Sakura, Sai and Kakashi are sharing, Jiraiya and Kiku have a room to themselves, and Kabuto and Deidara have already retreated into his bedroom (it is official - they have no shame.)

Well, I suppose I should go retrieve some items of clothing from the bus. I'm glad I brought my black shirt and suit trousers, since we're going to the gallery. Jiraiya and Kiku have some smart clothes too. The others are having to go shopping. Ha! Once again, my uncanny foresight and ability to plan to the last detail proves my supreme awesomeness!

Will write later!

LATER:

A few interesting things have happened so far, not least the prospect of rounding up my birthday with another "first" of sorts. Deidara has offered to paint my portrait, something which I have never had done before. I am not sure whether he will follow up on this, however, as the last time I saw him, one of the aforementioned interesting things that happened had caused him to throw a hissy fit, thus I am not sure if he will be in the right frame of mind to wield a paintbrush without doing serious damage to himself or to others.

I suppose I should tell you what happened. It's quite funny, now that I look back on it. Deidara really is the stereotypically flaky artist. I don't know how Kabuto has managed to put up with him for so long. They're like chalk and cheese, honestly. I have a suspicion that it's all down to them hardly seeing anything of each other. If they'd been together every day since Christmas, it wouldn't have lasted a week, I am sure of it.

But yes, after we unpacked and got settled in, Deidara dragged us all down to his studio to give us a sneak preview of his and Sasori's oh-so-amazing Gurner Prize entry. Sasori didn't want to because he said Deidara had shown it to the Akatsuki lot yesterday, but Deidara kept whining and pestering him until he rolled his eyes and said, "Whatever." We sat on the floor in the studio (which is completely different from the rest of the house, I might add – all clean lines and wide open spaces) and Deidara skipped over to a large, hulking shape covered by a dust sheet. With a flourish, he whipped it off to reveal one of the strangest sculptures I've ever clapped eyes on.

It was a spiral staircase made of ebony wood, standing free on its own, suspended by a series of translucent wires. It was decorated with hundreds of intricate carvings, some clearly Sasori's work (he is by far the more traditional of the two) and others Deidara's. The oddest thing about it, though, was that each stair was slathered in sticky fluids and random objects – the fluids particularly intriguing because they hung in the air, suspended, over the edge of the steps like thin, stringy, glutinous stalagmites.

Deidara grinned at us expectantly as we took in the bewildering sight, and when our rapturous cries of praise were not immediately forthcoming, he asked us if we liked it. Almost too quickly came the answering chorus: _"Oh yes, it's wonderful!" "Very thought-provoking." "It's... err... it's great, dude, you guys are way gonna win it!"_

Pleased as punch at what he perceived as a positive reaction, Deidara launched forth into an explanation of the meaning of their art.

"It's called Existence," he said proudly. "The stairs represent life – the bottom step is when you're born and you climb up and up and up, with loads of energy at first – that's like when you're a kid – but as you go up, you get slower and slower, labouring every step of the way, until you're near the end, tired and aching – that's old age – and then you hit the top, there's no more steps to take, and you die, and it cuts off in mid-air and the space beyond represents death because obviously we have no idea what comes after death."

"Wow," Kiku breathed, her big blue eyes wide as saucers. "That's, like, way deep."

Deidara nodded. "Yes, and Sasori-danna and I both collaborated in the design. It's modern _and_ traditional. Modern because it's free floating – that was my idea – and traditional because it's sculpted from wood and carved with all those classical figures. Because we were doing a piece about the nature of existence, we wanted to show how life and death are constants, spanning across time, so we made our art mirror life."

"Yah, that's cool and all," Kiku said, cracking her gum with a loud snap that echoed round the room, "but what's that weird, gloopy shit hanging from the stairs?"

Sasori, at this point, felt it prudent that he should have some sort of input into the discussion and said, while casually lighting up a cigarette, "Mostly my spunk."

With that revelation, I must say I was overcome with a sudden fit of tact and I forced my expression into one of polite interest. It took a hell of a lot of effort, I can tell you. I almost ruptured something internal trying not to laugh. Judging by the faces of the rest of my bus mates – even Naruto, who is usually keen on pretty much anything – I was not the only one.

"It's not all yours, Sasori-danna," Deidara said petulantly. "I helped. And I was the one who found out about mixing it with PVA glue to get the icicle effect."

Sasori snorted. "That was only because Kabuto told you. Who was the one who drank that whole bottle of bourbon and industrial coagulant in one go so we could get the puke to stick on the stairs?"

"Here we go again..." Kisame said darkly, leaning over and muttering in my ear. "They've been like this for months."

"Really?" I said. "How do you guys put up with them?"

"We don't. We either ignore them or make them leave the room. There's no talking to them when they're like this."

"— I poisoned myself, Deidara. I almost died because you were too high to lower me down from the harness and take me to hospital. And Itachi shouted at me because I couldn't show up for work the next day."

"You have to suffer for your art, as well you know, Sasori-danna. I was the one who volunteered to cut my wrists to get the blood, and when I fainted and hit my head, you just laughed!"

"Well? It was funny. At least I took you to hospital."

At that point, Deidara and Sasori were eyeballing each other in an ominous manner, so I, true to my nature, smoothed matters over and played damage control by being charming and profuse in my insincere praise of their (frankly gross) piece of weirdness. As usual, I was successful, and they were soon reconciled: Sasori having reverted back to his cigarettes and surly silence and Deidara chattering manically and jittering around the room as if nothing had happened. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I am so good. Unfortunately, though, I was unable to prevent the following incident, it being beyond even my considerable power to absorb the trans-stupid stupidity of Kakuzu and Hidan.

A while after the almost-argument, Deidara and I were talking away quite the thing when he suddenly announced that he wanted to paint my portrait. Initially, I wasn't too sure about the idea and I said so repeatedly. To convince me otherwise, Deidara got up and showed us the portrait of Konan he did the day before. Of course, we weren't told it was Konan right off the bat and we were forced to participate in an inane guessing game.

We were confronted with what looked like a large stretch of canvas – every inch covered in glossy blue paint. Deidara beamed at us and said, "Guess who it is! Guess who it is!"

"Uhh..." Jiraiya offered, scratching his head and offering me a bemused look, "Is it Kisame?"

Deidara rolled his eyes. "Jiraiya," he said in a sanctimonious tone, "don't be stupid. It's _so_ obvious."

"Itachi?" Kakashi offered hopefully.

"Of course not!" he huffed, striding over to another canvas that was basically a square of glossy black. "_This_ is Itachi."

"Oh, right. Sorry. My mistake."

"Is it, like, your mum or something?" Kiku ventured, safely ensconced in Jiraiya's arms and therefore immune from any outright hostility.

This was greeted by a snort of laughter from Deidara. "Pfft, I don't know her," he said with a dismissive wave of a hand.

Then Sai, the fellow artist, popped up to save the day and thus prevented us being kicked out and onto the road again by an increasingly offended Deidara. "It's Konan, I think," he said with a polite nod to the woman in question. "Her personality really is quite blue – you've got it spot on there."

Deidara's mouth fell open in a comical expression of pleased disbelief. "Yes!" he shrieked, throwing his hands in the air. "That is _exactly_ what I was going for! What was your name again?"

Sai rose and walked over to the "portrait" in order to better examine it. "It's Sai," he replied, smiling one of his infuriating Sai smiles. "And I like what you've done with the areas of more concentrated pigment. Very subtle. The paint's really quite thick, too, where did you get it?"

By this time, a previously disinterested Sasori's head had swung in Sai's direction, observing him a little too closely. Deidara was beside himself with delight.

"I make my own paint," he said, swelling up with pride.

For a dreaded moment, Deidara looked as though he was about to launch into a terrifyingly in-depth account of how he went about his paint making process, but Hidan, observing the portrait with a critical eye, piped up and spoiled it all (read: saved us from never-ending boredom). Clearing his throat, he said loudly, "I dunno what you're talking about. It's shit. It's the worst painting I've ever seen. It doesn't even look like Konan. It's just blue. Kakuzu, I'm right, yeah?"

"Absolutely," Kakuzu concurred, inspecting his nails in a bored fashion. "My senile old grandmother could make more attractive splatters on canvas with her colostomy bag."

Needless to say, Kakuzu and Hidan's critique did not go down well. Their tactless remarks caused Deidara to throw a rather violent artist's strop, in which he burst into hysterical, furious tears and proceeded to launch paint pot missiles in the general direction of his detractors whilst railing against their stupidity. Wisely, the others took this as a sign that it would be a good time to go shopping and cleared out sharpish. Alas, Kisame and I did not have that excuse, and, being caught between them and the door, we were forced to watch much of the carnage unfold before Deidara became so distracted we were able to flee unnoticed.

"YOU TWO!" Deidara sobbed, as he flounced around knocking over tables in a rage. "YOU TWO ALWAYS FUCKING RUIN EVERYTHING!"

"No we don't," Kakuzu called out from behind an upturned table. "We were just expressing an opinion. It's not our fault you can't take crit."

"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR ASININE OPINIONS. WHY WOULD I WANT TO KNOW WHAT _YOU_ THINK? YOU'RE SUCH DICKS SOMETIMES, IT MAKES ME ILL! BLOODY PHILISTINES! YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MY WORK— _NOTHING!_"

Hidan's head popped up briefly over the makeshift parapet, only to disappear in a flash as a great gobbet of wet clay hit it with a slap, missing his face by inches.

"We don't need to know anything about your _work_ to know that it's shit!" he called out. "All you did is cover a bit of cloth in blue. A retarded monkey could do that! Oh no... wait... I get it now, that's you isn't it, Dei?"

This last remark tipped Deidara over the edge and he started screaming incoherently and tearing at his hair and flailing like a mad thing on crack. It was quite intimidating. Kisame and I chose that moment to take our leave, so I was not party to any further events that transpired, but I have since learned that he eventually threw Kakuzu and Hidan out. Zetsu said they're staying at a hotel down the road. Serves them right for being arseholes. I mean seriously, what is wrong with some people? Is it that hard to keep one's big fat trap shut for the sake of maintaining peace and good relations with other human beings? I despair sometimes, I truly do.

Anyway, when Kisame and I escaped the studio, leaving the crashes and bangs behind us, we found Jiraiya, Kiku and Konan loitering in the hall. Jiraiya and Konan were chatting away quite the thing, as though they'd known each other for years. It soon emerged that they had, in fact, known each other for years, and that they'd first met at some fancy dinner when the boss was still working for Konoha-Suna and the Akatsuki group was in its infancy.

"Yeah, it's great to finally get the chance to catch up," Jiraiya said, grinning at Konan, who smiled back graciously. "And you look amazing. Really."

It was at this point I first noticed that Kiku was not best pleased with the conversational triangle she had found herself in. I would venture to guess that this was because Konan, like Kiku, is very good-looking but in a completely different way. While Kiku is blonde and tanned and perky and all tight halter-tops and low riders, Konan is a dark beauty, pale as parchment, quietly spoken and graceful in her deportment. Clearly, Kiku had never come up against someone like Konan before and was feeling a shade threatened. As her significant other and his old friend exchanged compliments, her normally bright and bubbly youthful visage grew darker and darker until she was clinging onto Jiraiya's arm, pressing herself against him and pouting, one foot placed slightly in front of him as if to say: "Hands off, blue-haired bitch, he's mine."

The technique seemed to work, as Konan was forced to turned her attention to her.

"And you must be Kiku," she said politely, inclining her head.

"Yah, that's me," Kiku replied, tilting her head to one side and chewing her gum in a confrontational manner. "Why?"

"I saw your photograph in the paper. The one where you're in Konoha with Jiraiya. You looked very pretty in that dress."

"Yah, well, I do try," Kiku said, tossing her hair and pulling off an uncanny impression of the boss.

"So what is it you do?" Konan continued, seeking to make polite conversation. "Are you..." she ventured hesitantly, clocking Kiku's comparatively young age and obviously unsure whether she should bring it up, "... are you still at school, or...?"

"Nah, I'm not at school anymore. I graduated, like, a month ago or something. Did really well in all my exams – I got all As except for one D, but that didn't matter cos it was, like, in math and I really hate that. Didn't go to the grad ceremony, though, cos I couldn't get time off cos I was, like, working real hard that week."

"Oh!" Konan exclaimed in polite surprise. "That's wonderful. Where do you work?"

Kiku cracked her gum and smiled proudly. "I'm Oro's PA."

Konan's eyes widened, and even she was unable to conceal her surprise. "O-Oh..." she said, and as she did I could practically feel her reaching for something positive to say. She settled on, "I suppose you took over for Sasuke?"

"Yes, that's right," I said hastily, interrupting, as I knew the conversation was doomed to failure if I didn't do something. "Orochimaru-sama is really quite happy with her. She's excellent with the clients."

"Yah, that's right," Kiku said, beaming. "Oro said all I have to do is make them tea and flirt with them a bit and undo the top button on my blouse. It's way easy!"

It was then that Jiraiya decided to re-enter the conversation. Instantly, his head spun round to look at Kiku, his eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Oro said _what_?"

Kiku remained supremely unperturbed, though, and, stretching a hand up to stroke the side of Jiraiya's face, she said, "It's just work. Don't get all pissy, babe. You're the best."

She punctuated this by rising up on tiptoe and planting a kiss on the underside of Jiraiya's chin (the size difference between the two of them really is quite hilarious – there is exactly a foot between them. At least the boss and I are more or less the same height.) Kiku's kisses must have some sort of mollifying effect, as Jiraiya's expression instantly melted into what I can only describe as goofy in the extreme. Then he turned to Kisame and I and grinned moronically as if to say, "Yeah, I am, aren't I?" Kisame rolled his eyes and we both looked at each other and smirked.

Jiraiya and Kiku then took this as a cue to start canoodling in public (as is their wont) and I decided I'd go wait in my room for the others to get back. Kisame and Konan came with me and we had a nice chat about the life, the universe and everything. This is also known as "work". During our conversation, I learned that everyone hates my fuckwit uncle Madara with a passion. Unsurprising, I know. This is because he has decided he wants to completely overhaul the company and, in order to do so, has placed quite the burden of work on the higher-ups. In protest, they're all taking a few days off en-masse and have used the Gurner Prize ceremony as an excuse. True to form, Itachi is not taking part and is continuing to work himself into the ground for the Grand High Arsehole of Akatsuki. What an ass.

July 24th

DAY SIX

It may surprise you to know that I spent a night in the company of Deidara, Sasori and the rest of the Akatsuki mob and I am not drunk. That's right. For once in my life, I have exercised self-control. I have not touched a drop of alcohol and have been on fruit juice since we arrived. I AM ABSTINENCE! HEAR ME RAWR!

It may also interest you to know that I am now the subject of a Deidara original (24 x 18", painted with mystery paint on canvas) dubbed: "Uchiha Sex-Child of Fire and Ice". I don't think my brother would approve of the title. You can't tell it's me, though, for Deidara seems to paint somewhat unconventional portraits.

After Kisame and Konan departed yesterday afternoon, the suffering artist surfaced eventually from his studio and came to find me in my room. Sniffing slightly and red-eyed, he muttered, "You still want me to paint you?"

I said yes, that would be lovely, and I trailed after him, taking a detour via a concealed panel halfway down the corridor that ended us climbing through a trapdoor that led to the studio (it was dark, gloomy and there were weird paintings on the walls. Yes, I was scared, but I didn't say anything). Once there, he sat me down on a chair, arranged my position to his liking and retreated behind his easel. For a while, we sat there in silence, but that is quite unlike Deidara, and when he cheered up a bit, he started to talk.

It was interesting listening to him in a way, because I've never encountered Deidara in the domestic environment before – only at parties or functions where he's usually so smashed his eyes don't always face in the same direction – and it was strange hearing him speak about his hopes and his dreams and his art.

"Don't tell anyone I told you this, Sasuke," he said, his voice muffled because he had a brush clenched between his teeth, "but Sasori and I are thinking about quitting."

My eyebrows shot up in surprise, causing Deidara to scold me because he was in the middle of doing them, and I ironed my face and tried to compose myself.

"Why?" I asked, while trying my best not to move my lips too much.

"Well..." he said matter-of-factly, "Hmm... now don't take this the wrong way, Sasuke, but to be honest, it's because of your uncle."

I snorted with derision. "Why does that not surprise me?" I said, astonishing myself with the degree of bitter sarcasm that slipped out of my mouth.

Bewildered, Deidara threw me a curious look from over his easel, and I sighed and added, "You needn't worry, Deidara. Say what you like. I hate him. He's a total prick. He turned up at the boss's at Christmas and insulted everyone, then he stopped me talking to Itachi. Not that I care, because he's a prick too."

Encouraged by my response, Deidara threw his hands in the hair and said, "Thank god, Sasuke. Thank god you see it. I swear, I don't know what's the matter with your brother. He's usually such a good judge of character. I guess he's got a blind spot when it comes to family. Not that it's doing him much good, because I swear all he does now is work."

I rolled my eyes. "Well if he wants to be my uncle's lackey, then let him. I don't give a shit about him anymore."

"That's unfortunate, since he still gives a shit about you," Deidara laughed, his eyes on the canvas. "He hardly ever talks now – even to Kisame – but when he does, it's all, 'Have you heard from Sasuke? How is Sasuke? Has Sasuke spoken to you lately? Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke.' You're all he talks about."

"What?"

"Honestly," Deidara said brightly. "I'm not lying. And I must say he wasn't pleased at that YouTube video."

"Oh hell..."

"Yeah. We didn't tell him about it. He found it on his own a day after. He fell out with us because we kept it a secret."

"Ha ha. Serves him right, the jerk."

"Yeah, that's another reason why we want to quit. Your uncle's Draconian regime's got us all on edge. I can't take the fall-outs and back-biting anymore. Kakuzu's become nigh unbearable."

"So what are you going to do instead if you leave?"

"Art. If we quit, we can devote ourselves to it full-time. The last piece we put up for sale at auction in Konoha earned us ¥150,000,000. We're really beginning to make a name for ourselves – and if we win the Gurner tomorrow," he added, his eyes glittering with anticipation, "the sky's the limit..."

In all honesty, if Deidara and Sasori decide to leave Akatsuki behind them, I'd support them fully. They're definitely mentally ill enough to make it in the art world, and their conceptual stuff is sufficiently incomprehensible as to impress and baffle even the most pretentious of critics. And if all else fails, Sasori is a proper traditional sculptor, and Deidara _can_ actually draw and paint, so they could always make good money doing commissions. I would definitely advise against Deidara painting his conceptual portraits, for though he put a little more thought into mine (or at least that's how I see it), it's still... well... abstract.

What he did was to paint me in a conventional manner (i.e. you could tell it was me a mile off) and used a blue tone. Then, while the paint was still wet, he dipped each finger in a splodge of different colours of red and then destroyed the painting by swirling the red through it. Deidara was really pleased with it – so much so that he's decided he wants to take it to his next exhibition. I was a bit bemused by it, to be honest, and it struck me as bearing an unwelcome resemblance to the Mr Twisty face paedophile who was on the news not long ago. Nevertheless, it is much more interesting than the ones of my brother and Konan, so I shouldn't complain. I asked him if I could purchase it after he finished with it, but Deidara gave me a cheeky wink and said he was going to give the boss first dibs on it. Ugh. How embarrassing (though I'd wager the boss would very much approve of the title, and he has more money than me, so I guess Deidara isn't as stupid as he looks.)

Aside from portrait painting, I have other news to report. I say 'news'. It's more like gossip. Apparently, Sasori decided to accompany the others on their shopping trip yesterday (incredibly unlike him – he is antisocial at the best of times) and he stuck to Sai like glue the whole time. He also bought Sai a coffee and – or so I was told by Sakura who was giggling evilly while she divulged her sordid information – they spent hours at the art store poring over pencils and paper. Naruto said they only spoke to each other the whole time they were there and that all they talked about was, "Art this, art that! Seriously, dude, I mean I like art and stuff but I'm way bored with that crap now."

We spent quite a while going over the available evidence (I told them I saw Sasori staring at Sai yesterday before Deidara went off on one) and we eventually came to the conclusion that Sasori might be wanting to get into Sai's pants. It is a thought that profoundly disturbs me, I have to admit. The thought of Sasori ever entertaining carnal thoughts about another human being (and I doubt he is one sometimes) just does not compute. It breaks my brain and makes me feel itchy, like I want to wash my mind out with boiling water and a scouring pad.

Luckily for me, it's never going to happen. Sai is purer than the driven snow and the only person who gets to (metaphorically) shaft him is Danzou. Oh, Sasori! If only you knew!

LATER:

MY EYES!! OH, MY EYES!! Ohgodohgodohgod...

_Why do these things always happen to me?_ WHY, DAMMIT, WHY?!

LATER:

Guh...

Okay. I think I'm calm enough to write down what happened. Maybe. Yes, Sasuke. Yes you are calm enough. If you don't get it out of your system now you never will.

Right...

So...

Picture this: Kakashi, bored and wanting someone to hang out with, decided to come visit me in my room. Upon finding me, he suggested we take up Deidara's offer to see how many of the freaky hidden secret places we can find around the house. Also bored, I shrugged my shoulders, thinking 'why the hell not?' and followed him out of the room. We spent the next hour or so wandering around and found a secret bathroom behind a bookcase; a secret bookcase behind a bookcase (stacked with erotic novels and porn mags); a passage under the stairs that led past the kitchen with a spy hole you could look out of; and a long, dead-end corridor with nothing in it but an incredibly sinister painting of a little boy, a doll-thing and hands pressing against a glass door. While waiting for our next discovery, milling around aimlessly, Kakashi decided to play silly buggers and clipped the back of my heel causing me to stumble and fall to the floor in a decidedly ungraceful manner. Too busy laughing his idiot head off, Kakashi almost did not notice what I had noticed: in my fall, I had turned up the corner of a rug, revealing the hinge of a trap door. Once I pointed this out to him, he instantly claimed the find as his on the grounds that had he not tripped me up, we wouldn't have found it. I told him to shut the hell up and that the find was mine because my bruised knees said so – and if he didn't agree, then he would soon find himself similarly bruised.

The matter settled, we opened the trap door and headed down the wooden ladder to find ourselves in a dark, narrow corridor. Unfortunately, what little light we had left was snuffed out as the door swung shut above us. All attempts to open it from the inside proved futile, and when it was established that neither one of us had remembered to bring our phones, I succumbed to a small freak out in which I sank to my knees and rocked back and forth, thinking of Resident Evil. An indeterminate amount of time later, Kakashi finally managed to bring me round, saying that if we walked along a bit, we might find a way out. This seeming a sensible suggestion, I agreed. Turning the first corner, we spotted a pinprick of light. It lured us in like an angler fish, Kakashi and I elbowing and butt-checking each other to get to it first. What we found excited us and creeped us out in equal measure.

It was a spy hole.

Through it, we could see Kisame lying on his bed reading a book. Zetsu was sitting on the floor watching TV and we could hear Konan on the phone to Nagato. Suddenly, being stuck there in the pitch black corridor wasn't so bad after all, and I could feel an evil, evil grin creeping over my face. Shushing each other and trying to stifle our giggles, we fumbled about until we found another spot of light. Once again, it was a spy hole into a bedroom, this time Jiraiya and Kiku's. Thankfully, they weren't doing anything R-rated. Kiku was prancing about in her underwear, listening to her iPod, and Jiraiya was presumably in the shower because we could hear the faint roar of steam and running water from where we stood peeping in at them like a pair of perverts. Kakashi resisted when I got bored and attempted to pull him away, saying, "Come on, Sasuke! When am I ever going to get a chance like this again?" to which I replied, "Yes, that's a fair point, but are you willing to risk the sight of Jiraiya's full-frontal nakidity when he comes out of that shower?"

"Let's go," Kakashi muttered, grabbing me by the hand and hastily propelling me forward.

It was when we hit our third spy hole that things started to get nasty.

Peeking through it, desperately trying to stifle my sniggers, I discerned the form of Sasori stretched across his bed and staring at the ceiling. The room had the air of being frequently used, as there were loads of sketches pinned on the walls and half-finished projects lying around, leading me to believe this was "Sasori's room" whenever he came to stay. He was wearing clothes designed for lounging around – an oversized white shirt and shorts – and didn't seem to be doing much of anything. It was really quite boring, and we were about to leave for spyholes new when there was a knock at his door.

Instantly, Sasori's eyes darted towards the door and he vaulted from his bed, taking a few giant, moon-steps over to the mirrored dressing table.

"Oh my god, check him out!" I whispered to Kakashi, smirking, as Sasori had grabbed an eyeliner pencil and was applying a fresh layer in an uncharacteristically hurried manner.

"Just a minute," he called out to whoever was waiting. Then, after taking a moment to ruffle his hair and check his appearance, he bounded over to the door and stopped to take a breath and pretend he was all cool and disinterested (an action that made Kakashi snort with laughter) before opening it.

"Hi, Sasori!" a familiar and irritatingly polite voice intoned. "You said I could come along at the mall yesterday. I hope I'm not disturbing you?"

"That's okay," Sasori replied. He ran a hand through his hair and tilted his head to the side in a surly but not uninviting way. "I was working on something, but it can wait."

"What a liar!" I heard Kakashi exclaim in amused outrage.

"You wanna come in?" Sasori asked.

"Sure!"

The door clicked closed and Sai appeared, following after Sasori and looking about the room, evidently impressed by all the drawings.

"Wow," he said. "These are fantastic. You really are very talented."

Sasori shrugged and extricated a packet of cigarettes from his back pocket. Lighting one for himself, he offered one to Sai.

"Oh no, I don't smoke," Sai replied graciously. "Well... what I mean to say is, I've never tried."

"You wanna try one?"

"Alright," Sai said happily, taking the proffered cigarette.

At this Kakashi sniggered and whispered, "Is that like flowers or something from Sasori?"

"Must be," I chortled. "Everyone else is content with red roses, but for Sasori it's a twenty pack of Marlborough lights."

We had to retreat for a moment because we were laughing too much, but when we came back, the two artists were sat on the bed together, smoking.

"It's not that bad, actually," Sai said, pondering the slim, filter-tipped, nicotine menace he held in his hand.

"I've got some other stuff in the bathroom if you want to try that."

"What, you mean like weed?"

"Yeah."

"I tried that already at Nagato-san's party, but thank you for offering."

There was a long pause in which the two men seemed content to smoke in silence. Sasori took a deep, final drag, which meant he finished his smoke first and was free to sit and stare at Sai. Then he broke the silence and said, "I really want to fuck you."

I swear to you, my jaw nearly hit the floor.

"Sorry, what?" Sai said, turning to face Sasori and smiling at him.

"I really want to fuck you," he replied, repeating his position with astonishing frankness. "Quite a lot."

"That's what I thought you said," Sai said chirpily.

"Right. So what do you think?" Sasori ventured, his head cocked to one side. "Do you want to?"

Sai looked thoughtful for a moment – only a moment – before he smiled widely and said, "If you insist."

Beside me, Kakashi's hand slapped across his mouth. "No way," he breathed, his eyes wide with dread. "No way! Is he actually going to—? Oh god. _Oh god_..."

I swear to you, as soon as Sai gave his consent, Sasori sprung into action like a seasoned, sex-starved trooper who'd seen too much action of the military kind and too little of the other. With dextrous hands, he undid shoelaces, peeled off socks and loosened ties. Flipping Sai over, he straddled him and pinned him down while reaching over to the drawers beside his bed, pulling out a small, half-empty tube of lube.

"I must say though," Sai called out in a muffled voice, attempting to divest himself of his high collared shirt, "I feel I must warn you. I've never really done this sort of thing before."

Sasori did not miss a beat. With an expression of single-minded concentration that surfaces only in the seconds before one is about to score, he tossed the small, curled up tube aside and dug around a little deeper in the drawer and pulled out a newer looking jumbo-sized one.

We didn't stay to see what happened after that because, horrified, we upped and ran back along the corridor and hammered on the trapdoor, yelling at the tops of our lungs, until Zetsu and Deidara heard us. Flustered and red faced, we emerged from the murky depths of filthdom, gazing upon our host in a completely new, and not entirely favourable, light.

"YOUUUUUUU!!" I howled, thrusting an accusing finger in his face, incapable at that juncture of forming more sophisticated utterances.

"So you found the spyholes then?" Zetsu said, in the same manner as if he'd said nothing more sinister than, "So you've found your keys then?"

"Yes we found the damn spyholes!" I hissed.

"Wait a minute... _you_ know about them?" Kakashi said, making the connection I was too frazzled to discover. Zetsu nodded. There was a pause, then he added, "Does _everyone_ know about them?"

"Yup," Zetsu said. "Well, everyone in Akatsuki does. Maybe not Hidan, though, he's still quite new. Oro found them ages ago and wreaked havoc."

"But what's going on down there?" Deidara said, a wolfish smile on his face. "You saw something didn't you?"

Kakashi and I grimaced and remained stone faced. "Look, Deidara," Kakashi said frankly. "Don't go down there—"

I swear there was a thunderclap, Deidara moved that fast. He was down the ladders like a shot, leaving the three of us standing there, shuffling our feet awkwardly, fearing the sight of another rounding the corner and asking, in all innocence, what we were up to. The next minute, Deidara's head popped up. The grin plastered on his face was truly evil.

"It's Sasori," he said triumphantly. "He's plugged up the spyhole. Go on, what's he up to, Uchiha."

"I'm not telling you!" I said agitatedly, my voice getting higher as a fierce blush blazed across my cheeks, betraying my profound embarrassment of having witnessed the preliminaries of Sai losing his virginity.

"Tell me," he said, "or I'll tell Sasori you two were spying on him."

"No!"

"I'll do it!" he threatened, jumping up and closing the trap door behind him.

"Fine, if you _promise_ you won't tell—"

"I am the soul of discretion," he said gravely, putting his hand on his heart with a dramatic flourish.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. Then, lowering my voice, with great reluctance, I muttered, "He's in there with Sai."

Deidara let out a great whooping cackle of laughter that made me jump, and before I could stop him, he was tearing down the corridor shouting, "Zetsu, come on! I'm gonna get my camera!"

Zetsu shrugged and made to follow after him, but Kakashi caught him by the shoulder and said, "If you tell anyone we told you..."

"Relax," he said. "I'm going back to my room. There's gonna be carnage. Best if you guys keep a low profile for a bit."

Kakashi and I exchanged a nervous glance and, thinking this a grand idea, we parted ways with Zetsu and headed for my room. Sakura and Naruto were hanging out inside, playing cards. It only took one glance at our ashen faces for them to realise something was up, and so we began to relate our sordid tale to them, but it was interrupted halfway through by a lot of yelling and crashing and banging. Curious, Naruto ambled over to the door (despite us warning him not to) and he popped his head out just in time to see Deidara sprinting past, waving a camera around and laughing hysterically, closely pursued by Sasori, wearing only a bedsheet, armed with a chisel and incandescent with rage.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, DEIDARA!!" he howled as he barrelled past us, stirring up a breeze that fluttered Naruto's hair. "I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU AND FUCK YOUR LIFELESS CORPSE!!"

As they rounded the corner (in my head, I added tyre-screech sound effects), Naruto shut the door and, scratching his head, said, "What the hell was all that about?"

By the time we finished our tale, he had a pretty good idea, and he was rolling about the floor laughing like a hyena on crack. He was laughing so hard at one point, I had to physically restrain him and shove a sock in his mouth in case Sasori came back in and heard. I didn't much fancy getting on his bad side at that point, since it was technically my fault Deidara found out in the first place. Sakura was also amused and she expressed an interest in discovering the spy holes for herself. Kakashi got a bit angry at that point and made her swear she wouldn't. She did swear, but I bet she'll go looking later.

I'd better search our room for the spyholes and plug them up, just in case. And maybe I'll put a chair up against the door as well in case Sasori catches Deidara and he grasses us in under duress (read: agonising chisel torture). Oh well. At least I'm not as bad off as Kakashi. He needs to share a room with Sai and face him later on. Hilarity.

Oh how glad I am we decided to visit!

July 25th

DAY SEVEN

It is the day of the announcement of the Gurner Prize and we are just about to leave for the gallery. I have managed to be ready early, so I'll just update this thing since I have a spare fifteen minutes or so before the car comes to collect us. The lorry showed up at six this morning to take the exhibition pieces away and Sasori and Deidara went along with it. I hope they have not killed each other by the time we get there.

The good news is that Sasori has not found out about my role in the incident. Against all hope and expectation, Deidara remained true to his word. I'm assuming Sasori believes Deidara went down there on his own volition, and Kakashi and I are quite happy for it to stay that way. I also feel I redeemed myself somewhat by successfully convincing Sasori not to smash up their Gurner piece. Deidara was a little too fast for him, and Sasori, in a fit of rage and unable to catch him, picked up one of his hand axes and threatened to destroy Existence. Naturally, I was called in to play damage control, and I managed to talk him out of it with my superior peacemaking skills. I eventually got to bed at around two-thirty in the morning.

The bad news is that Deidara and Sasori are still not speaking to each other. Well, Deidara is quite willing to speak, but Sasori has not yet forgiven him and has rebuffed all his attempts at reconciliation with variations on a theme of monosyllabic grunts. I just hope they can put it aside for the prize giving, otherwise the whole thing's going to be excruciating.

But I'd better go. Konan's just knocked on the door and says the car'll be here in five minutes.

Will write later!

LATER:

As of now, I am back on speaking terms with my brother. I don't know what to think about it, though, because no one is supposed to know. At least, that's what Itachi said...

I guess I'd better explain. It might make more sense that way, though I doubt it somehow. Anything that could potentially straighten things out in my mind is welcome, I suppose, so here goes.

The car arrived to pick us up at 6:45 and arrived at the Iwagakure Gallery of Modern Art at 7:15. My first impression of the place was not favourable. The architect must've been having an off day when he designed it because it was a dismal, grey brick monstrosity. It looked more like a prison than an art gallery. Outside, the press were waiting, snapping away, and to my surprise some of them were calling my name.

"Uchiha-san! Uchiha-san!" the yelled, struggling to make themselves heard over the chattering flashbulbs.

I'm still a bit nervous and unsure in front of the press (mental note: get some pointers from the boss), so I gave them a wave and a smile before heading in. They were also calling for Kiku, who looked very fashionable and Bohemian in a pair of short shorts, a tunic top and a huge pair of sunglasses. I have the sinking suspicion she has become something of a pin-up (something that would not bother Jiraiya in the slightest as long as he's the one who gets to "hit it".)

Once we had successfully negotiated the press gauntlet and found ourselves safely inside the building, my impressions of the gallery were not improved. The interior resembled an aircraft hangar and possessed all the charm of one. There were quite a lot of people milling around, and I grabbed a glass of champagne from a passing waiter. Konan announced that she was going off to look for Nagato. Then Zetsu and Kisame spotted Hidan and Kakuzu and wandered off to speak to them. Everyone else dispersed after that, intent on having a look round before the prize winner was announced. Because conceptual art baffles me (and I don't mind admitting it), it didn't take me long to whiz round the exhibits. Each of the artists had a room in which to display their talent. Four entrants were short-listed this year and I shall supply below a brief summary of their exhibited work and my verdict.

Gurner Prize shortlist 2008:

Bob Hoskins – "You Bitch, I hope you get syphilis and die."

This piece was basically a letter written by Bob Hoskins (not the actor I was disappointed to discover) to his ex on A4 lined paper. I couldn't get close enough to see the actual letter, but the little square on the wall told me that Hoskins had artfully spat on it prior to sending. It was no match for the epic volume of bodily fluids present in Deidara and Sasori's exhibit, however. I think Existence may have spoiled me for them. There were a few other pieces of his work there too, namely a giant mosaic dinosaur and a brass box. I understood the significance of neither, but the dinosaur was at least pretty to look at. I gave this one 5.5/10, mainly because of the dinosaur.

Clarissa Benton-Horridge – "Dance, monkey, dance!"

This was by far the most entertaining exhibit, as it was made to be interactive. It looked like an empty room with a dull grey carpet, but one hundred tiny sensors had been installed, so that when one walked over a particular spot, it lit up and sounded a note. It generated quite a lot of interest, and only two people were allowed in at a time. Naruto and Jiraiya teamed up and managed to cobble together a duet to the Beverly Hills Cop theme, to the delight of the assembled onlookers. I am not sure if that is what the artist had in mind. Due to the hilarious kitsch value and potential for abuse, I gave this one 8/10.

Hitori Momoko – "0"

This was the worst of the lot. Along with a small crowd of art fags and dealers, I was hustled into a dark room with a single black and white TV screen mounted on the far end wall showing a guy repeating the words 'Over and over again' over and over again. I could barely conceal my sneer of disgust. Within minutes, I'd gotten bored and walked out. This goes to show that multimedia installations are total bullcrap and that whichever pretentious artfag decided to shortlist this must be brain-dead. I gave this one -1/10.

Deidara and Sasori – "Existence"

When I finally got round to their room, it was already pretty crowded. I could hear people saying that this was the favourite to win, and, seeing it installed and prettied up, I was inclined to agree with them. Over by the window, Deidara was holding court over a throng of admirers and Sasori was standing in a corner chatting to Sai (I guess the untimely interruption did nothing to snuff out the spark of attraction). Chiyo and the rest of the Suna lot were there too, and I could hear her old lady voice rising above the rabble in the room, "Yes, he's my grandson, you know..."

Because their exhibit did not take up the whole space, like Bob Hoskins, they were able to put a few other pieces in. I stopped dead when I saw my portrait hanging up on the wall, the little square of commentary beside it reading: "Uchiha Sex Child of Fire and Ice" as bold as brass. Cringing with embarrassment, I made to turn and leave, but Deidara spotted me.

"BABY UCHIHA!" he shrieked over the heads of his admirers. Already, it seemed, he was in full party mode. His pupils were like saucers. "I PUT IT IN, SASUKE! I TOLD YOU I LIKED IT! AND ORO SAID HE WANTS TO BUY IT, SO YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK, YOU SEXY SEX SEX!"

I nodded weakly and pretended to be busy inspecting my portrait. Thanks to Deidara's outburst, people began to look at me and whisper and point. I suddenly felt that a spot of agonising chisel torture would not have been such a bad thing for him after all.

_"That's Uchiha Sasuke, isn't it?"_

_"Yeah, I saw him on that YouTube video. What, you haven't seen it? Giles, you simply must google it when you get back..."_

_"Deidara-sensei must've painted him!"_

_"Oh, how lucky! I wish he'd paint me."_

_"He's quite pretty close up, isn't he?"_

Taking a deep breath, I tried to compose myself and forget about everyone around me – and so engrossed was I in this enterprise that I did not notice that my brother had come and stood right at my shoulder. Hence the reason I twitched and went "Aaahhaaa!" when his monotonous drone, so familiar even after half a year's absence, intoned, "I am not sure I approve of the title. I may have to have words with Deidara later."

Clutching at my chest while attempting to filter some oxygen into my shocked system and making wheezing noises like Fatty McGee, I turned to face Itachi. The first thing that struck me was that he was wearing a kimono and he had left his hair long, which was unlike him. The kimono, however, was solid black, which is entirely like him, so it wasn't too unfamiliar a sight. In hindsight, I would like to think that familiarity, however superficial, gave me hope.

"I-Itachi..." I spluttered eventually, giving him an incredulous stare. "What are you doing here?"

"Like you, Sasuke, I am here to extend my support to Deidara and Sasori on this most important occasion," he replied, as if it were the most logical thing in the world (which it kind of was, but I'm not letting him have it.)

"Yeah, but Deidara said you weren't coming because you had work," I said.

"Madara-ojisan decided to accompany me," he replied, his eyes fixed straight ahead. "He concluded that it would be best to show solidarity and support our colleagues."

My face twisted into a grimace of disgust that cannot have gone unnoticed by my freakily observant brother. I snorted with derision and said, "Yes. What you mean to say is that he wasn't too happy about everyone taking three days off and has come to remind them about it in an insidious way that is, may I say, quite characteristic of him."

When Itachi said nothing in reply, my patience began to wear thin as I began to remember why I hadn't spoken to him in six months.

"Look, whatever, Itachi," I said, rolling my eyes and turning away. "Go and find Uncle Madara or something. I'll see you later..."

I started to push my way through the crowd, but Itachi grabbed my shoulder.

"Itachi, seriously," I snapped, batting his hand away. "Would you just fuck off and leave me alone? You're pissing me off... Itachi? Are you okay?"

My acerbic words died in my mouth when I saw the look on Itachi's face. I'd seen it before, and it had unnerved me as much then as it did at the gallery. It was the same look as he'd given me on Christmas day when we came back from playing laser tag after Madara had gone: that odd, intense look with the tiniest, tiniest insistent glimmer of desperation.

"Wha—?" I began, before I felt his hand wrap around mine and the next thing I knew, I was being dragged into the nearest men's room.

Inside, it was empty, the only sounds that of the recently used hand dryer still roaring away and a running tap. Letting go of my hand, Itachi shoved me inside and slammed the door behind him. Then he started pacing the length of the restroom, back and forth a couple of times, before he stopped dead and stared at me again in that weird, intense way.

"Itachi—" I ventured nervously, seriously wondering what was going on inside his head, when he held up a hand, silencing me.

"Sasuke," he began hesitantly, his voice oddly quiet, his eyes never leaving mine. "I know you know something is wrong, and more than anything I want to tell you."

"Then tell me," I said, encouraging but not smiling, as a laid a hand on his shoulder. "Just tell me, Itachi, if it's getting to you that much."

"I can't," he said, turning his eyes to the ceiling. "And I don't know if I'll ever be able to..."

My face fell, and Itachi saw it.

"But I hate not speaking to you, Sasuke," he added, his hand dipping into the folds of his kimono and reappearing with a sleek, black cell phone. "So please take this. I have the other and my number is programmed into it."

"Okay," I said warily, accepting the phone.

"I can also send and receive e-mail on it. My new address is donkey underscore puncher at hotmail dot com."

"Donkey puncher?" I repeated flatly, raising my eyebrow.

"It is the last thing anyone will expect from me."

"True..." I mused. "But why all this secrecy?"

For a moment, something passed over Itachi's eyes that seemed almost like anger, and it reminded me of the old days when he was little and mum and dad used to have to restrain him when he had tantrums before they had him diagnosed. It was fleeting, however, and was replaced with a cold, hard look.

He said, "Because I do not want Madara anywhere near you."

I opened my mouth to question him further, but he held up a hand again. "Please, Sasuke. I can't. Just take the phone and contact me whenever you have the notion. I shall be in touch soon. Let me know how you're getting on."

Then he smiled slightly, flicked me on the forehead like he always used to do when we were little, and left me standing there, alone in the bathroom. My forehead was tingling, and I glanced at the mirror, confirming that he had, indeed, left a distinct red mark.

"Twat," I said bitterly, as I began to rub at my forehead. And as soon as the words left my mouth, I suddenly wanted nothing more than to sit down on the floor and cry my eyes out. I didn't though, because two men clattered through the door, laughing and joking. I pretended I'd been washing my hands, used the drier, straightened my tie and walked out. I managed to put on my best media smile for their benefit. In a daze, I wandered across to the room where the prize would be announced and met up with the others again outside. The instant Sakura saw me, she whispered tentatively, for my ears only, "Your brother's here, did you know?"

I shrugged and pretended I wasn't bothered, but my hand closed over the cell phone in my pocket, and it was quite hard to suppress a smile. We went in together, and I spotted Itachi and uncle Madara over on the other side of the room. Neither of us acknowledged the other's existence, but it was easy to bear because of the secret we shared between us – something that not even uncle Madara could ruin. It might sound silly, but the phone was something of a talisman, and it kept me smiling throughout all the boring speeches by the sponsors and trustees.

Eventually, the prize winning exhibit was announced, and the money, the kudos and the fame went to Deidara and Sasori. Deservedly, I must say. Their entry was by far the best. Everyone cheered and clapped and Sasori forgave Deidara on the spot, to which Deidara responded by swinging Sasori onto his back and capering about the stage for a good few minutes until an official caught him and calmed him down. I went along to the after party with everyone else and chatted to the Suna crowd for a bit, which was nice, and Chiyo-baa kept asking after the boss, which I thought lovely of her. Uncle Madara swept past me with a glass of port in hand and winked at me, but I kept my cool, nodded curtly, and ignored him.

Everything passed in a bit of a blur, I must admit, and I feel bad that I can't say much more about Deidara and Sasori's big night – but, as usual, family matters have a way of eclipsing all else when one is an Uchiha. At the end of it, two cars came to pick us up – because Kakuzu and Hidan had been forgiven – and everyone was tipsy and singing. The party is still going on. Everyone's down in the kitchen, but I've excused myself for a moment, because I received a text from my brother and I couldn't help but act on it.

It said: 'So, little brother, what have you been doing for the past six months?'

Writing the e-mail might take a bit of time. It has been half a year, after all, and a lot of stuff has happened – but it can't wait. I never let myself admit it before, but I've missed my brother a lot, even though he drives me mental most of the time. I'd better get on with it, though, because we need to leave for Konoha tomorrow and I wager I won't have much opportunity during Tea in the Park.

Until tomorrow,

Sasuke.

--

* * *

AN: Sorry for the delay between updates, but I'm kind of realising I'm going to have to do all the work for uni I've pretended to do this year. Damn. I also have a scary meeting with the people who're funding me (two 'well-preserved' ladies who live in Monte Carlo and Santa Barbara and who are into crossing their ankles under the table, being ever so polite, and wearing Chanel suits. I am nothing like that. To make it even more terrifying, I have to meet them at the Principal's house. Oh. Holy. Shit. I now wish I could take back that crack about him sitting on his wanker's throne at graduation and earning too much for doing comparatively little (though I still mean it about the salary - it's ridiculous, seriously.)

As for the manga? Da fo'? Itachi iz protective bruther? I R CANON!! Muah hah hah! I fucking knew it! I am all over that shit! Oh things are panning out nicely, oh so nicely...

But now is not the time for discussing potential spoilers, for it is REVIEWER THANKING TIME!

**NayanRoo** (You base your Madara on mine? I blush a deep and furious red. I did spend a bit of time thinking about how I was going to portray him, which was the biggest cause for delay in the Christmas chapter. In the end, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I said, "Fuck it, I'll smash Madara and Tobi together and see what comes out." I'm hoping I wasn't too far off the mark. Your YouTube shenanigans sound like quite the riot. XD Did you ever upload that video, lol?)

**Aperion** (Omg... XD I never even thought of that! But yes, now that you have brought it to my attention, I have decided I meant to mass Rickroll my readers all along! Muah hah hah! The festival is next chapter. Expect the debut of previously unseen Konoha residents!)

**Nozomi-sama** (There was supposed to be some sort of fund set up for accidental injuries/deaths caused by the reading of this fic. Maybe I'd better set up a contingency fund for myself in case your grieving relatives track me down and set lawyers on me. I agree with you about this story making up for otherwise boring lives - it brightens mine too - and, if you can believe it, I randomly remember stuff and start giggling too. XD)

**NaruGuru** (Yay! Hello again! Oh, I am so glad you have discovered the joys of Aha. That song is ripe for endless comedy potential, it really is. Have you seen that episode of Family Guy where Chris gets sucked into the refrigerators at the supermarket and it goes into a Take on Me spoof? Hilarity. Seriously. But overnight racist camps? That does not sound good. I frown at the very notion of overnight racist camps. I take it you were lumbered with a bunch of bitchy girls, yes? As for the tattoo... I must confess Sasuke's dilemma is inspired by my own. I have no idea what I'd get. I have some ideas, but nothing that really sticks out.)

**hieilover135** (That's okay. When I'm reading fic I tend to flit in and out of fandoms and when real life bitch slaps me into submission, so I understand. But, omgwtf Itachi?! I was quite pleased when I found out - because it made my Itachi interpretation canon. Who knew? XD And wow, that Carribbean Advanced Proficiency Examination sounds very impressive. Is it a language test? If you're really good and into languages, you could always go to the School of Oriental and African Studies in London (I've always fancied that place and if you got in, I'd be jealous, lol.))

**Bri** (Lol, you got your wish. Itachi did see the infamous YouTube video, but unfortunately, you will have to imagine his reaction. I'm sure it won't be difficult though. XD Oro is indeed creepy, but that's all part of his magical charm!)

**YoungSasuke** (Ten points for excellent use of the work hijinks. I love that word! And thanks for the lovely comment about my writing. Glad you like the fic, and I hope you liked this chapter.)

**Chromde - formerly known as Niver** (Lol, your name change threw me for a while when I was looking through my reviews a while ago. I was like "Who's that?" and then I realised. XD I agree with you on Naruto's tattoo. It is quite cool, and I surprised myself with that one, lol. Weed, I guess, is only really bad for you if get into the habit of smoking it constantly. A guy who's doing his PhD along with me is a resin smoker (amongst other things) and he got the 'best medieval student' prize in our undergrad year, so I suppose you can still do well as long as you don't make it a habit. I don't smoke weed, but only because I don't want to start actual smoking (which always seems to happen weed smokers are broke and can't afford their 'special fags'.)

**ArilianaFireQueen** (Hey there! How've you been? Thanks for the review on the last chapter (and that is totally something Kiku would say, lol). What is/are Pretties, though? I'm curious.)

**danni quinn** (Yay, hello again! I want to say happy birthday but I'm almost a month late, lol. Oh well, happy birthday anyway. Hope you had a good day. Kakashi and Kabuto do indeed deserve massive kicks in the nuts for that stunt. If anyone did that to me, I'd never speak to them again. Oh, and I'm so glad you liked that "I always ask first" line. I swear I was laughing like a look when I wrote it. And that whole scene was just funny for me for some reason. Orochimaru is my personal comedy generator. Things are never dull when he's around (that's kind of why I'm hoping he'll pop up again in the manga - he makes things exciting!)

**fiore777** (Lol, I hope I have not spoiled the endearing aspect of Sai for you. Sasori corrupts even the purest of beings with his mere presence in a room. He is truly the bad boy of art. XD And oh, the long pube. I swear I was doubled over laughing when I wrote it. And I have no idea where it came from. Probably from some unholy place inside my head that will condemn me to everlasting hell when I kick the bucket. And Itachi would SO have beaten up that kid who took Sasuke's walkman because protective brother Itachi is now CANON!! Unless Kishi turns it around again, in which case I'll have to track him down and do terrible things to him.)

**unreproachablephoenix** (Yay! A new reviewer. Thanks very much for taking the time to comment. It's funny, because a few people have said that they like this fic despite the pairings. I very consciously make the story and characterisation take precedence in this fic, so maybe that's why people do. Or maybe it's just the funnies. I don't know, but I'm not complaining!)

**Anilmathiel Greenleaf** (Oh, the long pube. I swear to you I have no idea where it came from, but verrily the thought of it did make tears of mirth course down my cheeks. Glad it gave you a few laffs, and cheers for the review!)

**chibibaka1** (Ugh, research papers. I feel your pain. But your rather insightful comment about Sasuke's journal being read by hundreds of people - I never thought of it that way before. XD It's so true. Oh, the irony! And I'm glad you liked the pube scene and the "rapist" comment. Those were my two favourite bits and I was laughing myself silly when I wrote them. That you picked up on Sasuke critiquing his performance makes me smile too. He's so narcissistic, but he doesn't have a clue!)

**natwel** (Your entertainment district is truly worthy dream. If only the areas of hospitality weren't so fraught with crime and dodgy characters, I'd want to give it a go myself. I like the idea of the zen gardens on the outskirts and the ballroom cathedral club. I know a few goth festivals, though I've never been to one myself. Wakken is the big metal one, I think, and Whitby is the proper goth one. There are a couple of darkwave electronica ones, Infest and Dark City, though no one I know is going to any of them this year. I am also very interested in Madara. I think he's shaping up to be a great character. Not sure if he will fill the Oro-shaped void in my life, but I'm loving the potential for civil war in Konoha. If Kishi goes for that plot line, he will own my soul, no questions. I don't watch the Apprentice, but I totally agree with your assessment of Itachi. He would own all over that show.)

**BMiK** (Arts scholar? Are you studying English Lit or something? I am curious. But yes, I have, surprisingly, planned this story out a bit. I never usually do it (that's probably why this thing's still going - I can learn from this!) The ending is in my head and I know exactly how it's going to go. Oh thank you so very much for picking up on the 'mainstream' comment and the polo necks. I love poking fun at all those pretentious poetry pandas out there. I have no idea why they all wear them. Maybe it's part of the uniform? And Oro is my favourite character too. He forces his way into all of my Naruto fics. All of them. Even the ones that aren't about him - he always gets a mention. So damn pushy. XD)

**Kokura** (Aie! Do not beat yourself with sticks! I will have no flagellation on my watch! Besides, if any relatives find out, they might set lawyers on me, and no one wants that. Thank you so very much for your appreciation of Sasuke's Long Pube Philosophy. I chortled muchly while writing it, and I have no idea where it came from. However, I also chortled muchly at your crack about contemplating 'our own intrinsic long-pube-ness' which leads me to believe it could be a marketable commodity. Perhaps we should start a movement? Follow us, for we shall lead you to enlightenment! Abandon the scissors of oppression, embrace your long pube and win at life!)

**Awkward Butterfly** (Yay, a new reviewer! Thanks for taking the time to comment, that is too cool of you. First off, I'd like to congratulate you on your cracking screen name. Me likes. Second, I would like to apologise for causing you to earn a detention. I feel that your punishment was unjust, considering you were possibly only sniggering and that there are much worse crimes out there than sniggering at something you remember making you laugh. Bloody tyrants. I do not know about Sarutobi Sasuke! Must look that up.)

Thanks again, guys! Hope you liked this chapter!


	32. Chapter 32

A Day in the Life

July 26th

DAY EIGHT

After a week of general fun, hi-jinks and stressful situations, I am now officially on my way to the Tea in the Park festival in Konoha. Kabuto has used his laptop to print out a list of the acts he wants to see, and I can tell you that I'm beginning to get excited. A few of my favourites are playing, and I hope there's not too much of a clash in schedules (we won't know until we get there because distributing over-priced itineraries to a captive audience of festival-goers is a great money-spinner). I am also excited because the boss is coming along.

You heard me. The boss is coming to the Tea in the Park festival. My fifty year old significant other – who is chauffeured around in a Rolls and insists on dressing for dinner – is coming to a music festival. He was in his early thirties the last time he went to one, and according to Jiraiya, the scene has changed quite a bit, so this should be interesting. I hope I won't have to spend my weekend running around after him, though I _am_ looking forward to seeing him again properly. I've kind of missed him, despite the habitual and constant texting back and forth.

It was a bit of a fluke that the boss managed to get a ticket (though I do not doubt had he desperately wanted to come in the first place he would have had no difficulty whatsoever in procuring one). Sai decided to give up his weekend pass, since he "wanted to spend some time with Sasori". Both of them hopped on a last-minute flight to Suna and they're likely going to spend the next four days doing indecent things in the sun at Gaara's beach house, which they might as well, since the place would be lying empty otherwise.

Quite a lot of people are going to this festival, actually; mostly members of the Konoha lot. Kakashi had been texting around and found out by accident. (Honestly, I cannot fathom this. One of the big problems I had when working for Konoha-Suna was the lack of communication – no one talked to anyone! It was incredibly frustrating back then and it is obvious it's still going on. Communication problems never happen at Otogakure Enterprises – though this is mainly because everyone's so afraid of the boss. He always manages to be on everyone's ass – he is a fantastic delegator.)

At any rate, the last minute changes and the increase in numbers has meant sleeping arrangements have been thrown up in the air. The boss, naturally, wanted to share a tent with me (I snigger surreptitiously at the thought of him sleeping outdoors in a tent – he's going to be impossible, I can feel it), so I had to pluck up the courage to ask Naruto if that would be okay. He whined and pouted at first until I mentioned casually to him that it would mean he would have Sakura to himself for the whole weekend, after which he cheered up considerably and said, "Hell yeah!" He's quite excited now, and is planning on purchasing an extra packet of baby wipes to keep himself squeaky clean.

Jiraiya and Kiku are still sharing, as are Kakashi and Kabuto, but with the addition of Iruka (who was originally supposed to be in with Asuma, but Asuma's long-term girlfriend Kurenai decided to come at the last minute and he doesn't want to be the third wheel in the arrangement). When it was made known via email and text that Iruka was going to be crashing our party, a whole horde of other Konoha residents decided that they could not live without his illustrious company and have decided to set up camp next to us. This list includes Kiba and Shino from IT, Hinata from accounts (I wonder how she'll react to Naruto sharing with Sakura? She's had the biggest crush on Naruto for ages, though he has no idea), Ino from sales, Shikamaru and Chouji, and Neji, Lee and TenTen. Altogether, there will be a total of twenty people and seven tents to manage.

They have arranged to meet us at 1:00pm tomorrow at the entrance to the Red section (Jiraiya said it's the best place – not too near the main arena but not miles away, and it's next to the campsite food stalls). This whole weekend is going to be insane – I can feel it.

LATER:

It is one-thirty in the morning and I swear I am _this_ close to strangling Naruto. His excitement about tomorrow has reached new levels and he is sitting in his bunk, his legs swinging over the edge, singing an infuriating and inane song about sitting in his bed. The melody is not complex, involving the repetition of the same tune for every single line over and over again. The lyrics are similarly retarded; the only effort needed is in the attempt to find another word that rhymes with "bed", which, let's face it, isn't going to be the most taxing intellectual endeavour in the universe. When you put both together, it sounds something like this:

"I'm sittin' here in my bed,

just sittin' here in my bed.

With a shrimp on top of my head.

Oh my god that shrimp is dead.

I'm sittin' here in my bed.

My bed, my bed is red.

But it's not really red.

It's kinda beige, like my shed.

Do ya hear what I just said?

I'm just sittin' here in my bed.

With my awesome street cred.

But do not, do not dread.

Coz I'm sitting here in my bed—"

And so it has been going on for the past fifteen fucking minutes solid! Everyone else managed to drop off before he started his fool antics – everyone but me! And now I cannot get to sleep. And he shows no sign of stopping.

That's it. I'm just going to have to kill him...

LATER:

Ha ha! Kabuto just came stomping upstairs, tired and irritable from his driving shift, and said if Naruto wouldn't shut the hell up and get to sleep, then he could damn well take over from him. Success! Naruto is driving and out of my hair! Now I might be able to get a bit of shut-eye.

Night!

July 27th

DAY NINE

TEA IN THE PARK

It is approaching night, and though there is still enough light to see by, the moon is hanging round and full in the sky. The air outside is pleasantly warm, and I am sitting in my tent in a field at the annual Konoha Tea in the Park festival, surrounded by noise and general revelry. I would like to take this opportunity to announce that it is officially the most surreal environment I have ever found myself in. Loads of ridiculous (and hilarious) things have happened already, but I'll tell you about them in a second. A few intriguing developments have also taken place – mainly regarding Asuma and the boss – which I will also have to tell you about, but I can't take too long because I promised Naruto I'd go watch the mud wrestling with him near the tower. I've got about twenty minutes before then, so here goes.

We arrived in Konoha about quarter to twelve in the morning when the sun was splitting the sky and joined the massive queue of traffic waiting to file into the parking fields. An hour and a half later, we gathered together our camping gear, dumped it on the sledges and began the half a mile trek over to Red Camp.

The trek was ridiculously long because the Tea in the Park festival, although named after Konoha Public Park, is not actually held there anymore. The Public Park was the original venue (which the boss and Jiraiya remember attending – they are _so_ old) and as the festival grew in popularity over the years, with music-lovers travelling from all over the continent to attend, the organisers had to remove it to the old air field on the outskirts. Every year since, there has been a mass exodus of festival-goers (Jiraiya said 80,000 people went last year), all converging in a massive field in the middle of pretty much nowhere.

There were at least a hundred other people trudging alongside us, all piling through the entrance to get wristbands. I cannot lie to you, there really was a tangible feeling of excitement. The air was almost electric. People were singing, chanting and laughing, walking with a spring in their steps. Naruto had already cracked open a can and was wearing his sombrero and foam hand, Sakura was whistling a tuneless but cheerful little ditty, Kiku was cracking her gum with unusual vigour, and Kabuto, falling into step beside me, said wistfully, "I haven't been to a festival in years, Sasuke. This is going to be fantastic – I can tell already."

I grinned and agreed with him, and even the raucous cries of "Hey, YouTube man! _YouTube maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!_" from over the heads of my fellow festival-goers could not dampen my spirits.

And then we rounded the corner, forking off to the left towards Red Camp. I instantly clocked the boss, standing a little off, talking to Kurenai. The Konoha lot were there too, sitting on a circle on the grass and obstructing the path - but I only had eyes for my significant other. I wish I could say that this was because I had missed him terribly over the course of my trip and I had one of those emotional, wibbly moments because of it, but the main reason I stopped in my tracks and gawked at him openly was because he was wearing a dark green hoodie with a fractal design on the front, a purple headband and black combats tucked into a pair of green Hunter wellies. I swear to you, I almost didn't recognise him. He looked much, much younger and completely unlike my impeccably dressed, intimidating boss who takes pride in striding around the office in full formal.

While I was still gawking, Jiraiya pulled up behind me and I heard him mutter to himself, "Thank god. At least he's dressed for it this time," before he turned up the volume and bellowed, "ORO! YO, ORO! OVER HERE!"

The boss turned. He spotted me. There was a blur of movement and the next thing I know, he had lifted me into a crushing hug and was mewling into my neck (this was a first – I have never heard him mewl at me.)

"Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun," he said joyfully. "I have missed you so. You and your beautiful body and your beautiful mind and your hideous attitude..."

The last quip made the corner of my mouth twitch with amusement (I know how much he loves my 'hideous attitude') and I could feel his breath on my skin as he was talking, making all the little hairs on my neck tingle. Having had other things on my mind during the road trip, I had not realised it until then, but I was so, so fucking horny. Like, _really_ horny. The type of horny where you want sex so bad it hurts and you don't care who with. The stage of horny that is probably but one itty bitty baby-step away from Rohypnol and date rape. I blame the boss entirely for this because he has spoiled me for sex, without a doubt. I used to be able to go for a decent length of time without it, but since the boss is a compulsive sex-addict, I have had to learn to keep up in order to satiate his rampant libido. Hence the sudden horn that came upon me unexpectedly.

Without a word, I grabbed the boss, locked my arms around his neck and gave him a thorough kissing. It caught him off guard for a few seconds, his hands floundering wildly behind my head, but he recovered remarkably, as he experienced (or so I conjecture) a horn-related epiphany not unlike that granted unto me, and he started feeling me up in full view of every other passing random. Old habits die hard. I heard someone wolf-whistle and Chouji laughing, but I didn't care. I would speak to them later, I thought, for I had business to attend to.

Pulling back for air, I looked the boss straight in the eye and said, surprising myself with my steely tone, "The tent. Now."

It's amazing how quickly two people can put up a tent in dire need. People kept trying to talk to me and pass me bottles, but I gruffly swatted them away. The boss was similarly single-minded in his approach. The rest of them ended up getting out the folding chairs and sat around on the grass watching us.

"Man, I never knew anyone could be that desperate," I heard Shikamaru say idly, taking a swig from the bottle. "Sasuke's really changed."

"Yeah," Chouji replied, smirking all over his big fat face. "Remember what he always said back at the Academy? That he didn't need sex because he could control himself or some bullshit like that."

Unable to ignore the blatant slander any longer, I turned to my portly companion and said, exuding levels of smugness that rivalled the boss, "Oh yes? Like that bullshit you keep trying to feed us about not being fat, but just short for your weight?"

Everyone exploded into laughter and Chouji ended up chasing me round Red Camp and all the way through Yellow before he got a stitch and had to limp back, wheezing and defeated. He's really sensitive about his weight, it's so easy to get a rise out of him. I don't normally do it because, well, it's not that much fun – like shooting dead fish in a barrel – but he deserved it that time.

It took me a while to find our spot again, but I eventually spied Naruto's Sabre-Toothed Lime flag fluttering in the distance. Jogging back, I met a number of interesting people who wanted to have their picture taken with me, the most interesting of which was a very personable, bearded man who was otherwise naked apart from the black thong and the pair of bright pink swimming armbands he sported. Already he was quite smashed and he repeatedly told me he loved me. I told him I loved him back and asked if he had put up his tent yet. He looked thoughtful for a moment before saying that he hadn't and that he'd probably best get back and find his mates. I said that was a good idea and he wandered off, buttocks glinting in the afternoon sun.

When I got back to our spot, the others were setting up – the tents arranged in a circle so we had a small patch in which we could put out the fold away chairs and sit and drink. Kakashi and Neji had already got into a fight about the proximity of their tents and guy rope related strife. I ignored them and stood in the middle of the circle looking round for the boss, getting in everyone's way but not caring a jot. I couldn't see him and I wondered briefly whether he'd gone off in a huff, but the next instant, I heard a zipping sound and I went "Nyaargh!" as the boss's pale, white hand shot out like a trap door spider and dragged me inside.

"Finally, Sasuke-kun!" he snapped, zipping the door closed behind him. "Do you know how long I've had to wait for this?"

I nodded. There was a silence in which we regarded each other for a moment, lust etched in every line of our faces. Then we grinned and pounced. We were briefly interrupted at the heavy fumbling stage because we could hear Naruto outside saying, in his customary stage whisper, "Man, I can hear them in there, hee hee! Gross. Kiba, c'mere and listen..."

Naturally, the boss got a bit angry and he unzipped the tent door, poked his head out and demanded Naruto hand over his ghetto blaster. Naruto whined and said he was just about to use it, but the boss said if he let him use it right then and there he'd buy him enough beer tokens for the whole weekend. With the ghetto blaster inside the tent, blasting out a thumping electronica compilation Naruto had made, it was much easier to disguise the sex noises (though on the downside, it was much more obvious what we were doing. One has to take the rough with the smooth, I suppose.)

We emerged from our wallow of filth an indeterminate time later – the sun was still high in the sky, mid afternoon perhaps – and we slipped on our wellies. Everyone else had dispersed, except for Shikamaru, who was lying on his back on a camp bed, smoking a joint and staring at the sky. The boss asked him where everyone was and Shikamaru replied that they had all "gone for a wander", which probably meant they were hanging about near the food stalls or the off sales. Thanking him, we went off for a wander on our own to see if we could find anyone and headed down what looked like the quickest route there. Unfortunately, this happened to be through the Purple section.

It is an interesting story this one. Apparently (or so I was later informed by Iruka) the Purple camp has been the unofficial bastion of the many hundreds of revellers who travel from Mizugakure each year for the festival. Each year, there are always stories of them forming angry mobs and running riot in other camps, mass toilet-tipping, tent-raiding or doing something equally destructive. I was not surprised at this revelation, let me tell you, because everyone knows that people from Mizugakure are all rampant, fucking mentalists. The boss and I had a brief run-in with said mentalists – literally, in that we were actually running from them.

Now picture this: we were walking through the field and down the path, tents to the left of us, tents to the right. A signpost staked into the soft ground told us we were going the right way to get to the food stalls, pointing us through Purple. Fine, we thought, and pressed on. We entered Purple without so much as an inkling of trouble and all seemed normal until we were about halfway through. As we were walking, I began to notice out the corner of my eye that there were a whole lot of people lined up, a few men deep, on either side of the path. They were grinning at us in a way I did not like. I mentioned this to the boss, who was talking away to me about something or other and had not appeared to notice. He looked round and his eyes widened.

"Shit..." he hissed, suddenly looking anxious.

"What? What is it?"

Then it began. The mob of Mizu nutters who had lined the path began to stamp their feet, clap and chant, "Tunnel of Death! Tunnel of Death! Tunnel of Death!"

The chant got louder, faster, and I saw to my horror that the people nearest us were readying themselves for a sprint.

I felt the boss grab my hand.

"Run, Sasuke-kun!" he shouted.

I didn't need to hear it twice.

As soon as we started legging it down the path, the Mizu campers on either side began to spill onto it and thundered after us, a howling, slavering mob. They chased us all the way to the boundary of Purple, at which point they stopped and began to cheer – victorious in ousting the interlopers to their domain. For a moment, the boss and I stood there, huffing and puffing, trying to get our breath back. When I had recovered somewhat, I looked at him sharply and started a minor argument.

"What the hell was that?" I snapped.

"Wasn't it obvious, Sasuke-kun? It was a Tunnel of Death."

"And what _exactly_ is a Tunnel of Death?"

"It is _exactly_ what you experienced. Two groups of moronic people are convinced by some lunatic to line up on either side of the pathway. They wait for unsuspecting victims to approach and ambush them."

"Does this happen a lot then?" I said sarcastically.

"Only here."

"There seem to be a lot of things that happen _only here_."

"So clever to get it after I've told you. I see nothing gets past you, Sasuke-kun."

"Har har," I said stonily. "You are hilarious, Orochimaru-sama. But how the hell did you know what was going on? I saw your eyes go, so don't lie to me."

The boss shrugged. "I've been in one. Jiraiya, Tsunade and I organised one a few years ago. Ours was at night though, and much superior because we hid behind the first row of tents and then charged. We caught quite a lot of people."

I stared at the boss, an eyebrow raised.

"And what did you do with them once you caught them?" I asked.

"We carried them to a little area we'd cordoned off with spare guy ropes and got people to guard it. Then we wrote up a list of detainees with a marker pen on a bit of cardboard from a box of beer cans and ransomed off the captors to their friends. That was my idea."

"What, for money?"

"Sometimes. But we accepted drugs, alcohol, food-offerings and other festival-related trinkets. We did exceptionally well out of it."

I paused for a moment, then said, "Would they have done that to us?"

"I highly doubt it, Sasuke-kun," the boss said with a smug smirk. "They are not nearly as enterprising. Likely as not, they would have been content with merely covering us in mud or tying us to a post somewhere."

I was just about to open my mouth to question him further when we were interrupted by a familiar voice shouting over the heads of the random passing crowds.

"HEY, GAY-SAUCE!" Kiba bellowed (I've always hated that obnoxious Academy nickname) as he elbowed his way through the throng with a styrofoam plate full of noodles balanced in one hand. "GAY-SAUCE! NARUTO, GET OVER HERE!"

Naruto's familiar blonde head appeared, his sombrero hanging at a jaunty angle, stuffing his face with a huge skewer of salted yakitori. The Brothers Loud approached.

"Hey guys!" Naruto said, through a mouthful of food. "You seen Iruka and Kakashi?"

I said I had not and asked why.

"They bought an inflatable chair a while ago and went back to camp to blow it up." Then he added, looking thoughtful, "Should be back by now. They said to meet them outside Purple."

The boss and I exchanged a significant look and I saw an evil glint in his eye. Instantly, I knew what he was about, and I shut my mouth and tried very hard to suppress the fit of sniggers threatening to erupt.

"Now that I come to think of it, I did see them," the boss said, caressing his chin in a pensive manner. "They were just passing through Purple not long ago. If you hurry, you just might catch them."

Naruto was already running. "Thanks, Oro. C'mon, Kiba!!" he yelled, blissful in his ignorance as he trotted off unwittingly into the jaws of death. "I want first dibs on the chair."

As soon as they were far enough away, the boss and I collapsed into fits of evil, maniacal laughter. It felt so much better having shared the woe. Somehow, doing so made me feel less stupid for having fallen for it myself.

Naruto's salted yakitori made me realise how hungry I was, and the boss said he fancied some too and offered to buy me as much as I wanted. We got two of the humungous sticks each from the stall and sat down on the grass to eat it. In the distance, we heard the chanting begin again, and very soon we were rolling about laughing so hard tears came.

Kurenai and Hinata happened to be standing nearby – over at the fast-food van getting cheeseburgers. I waved at them and they came over, Hinata looking discomfited at the sudden attention (she's always been painfully shy – it took her two months to pluck up the courage to talk to me when I first started work at Konoha-Suna, and I suppose now that I've been away for almost a year, she won't be used to me anymore. She's even worse with Naruto). The boss was still on his back on the grass, cackling like a madman (and terrifying Hinata – she literally shrank away from him). Kurenai is not so easily scared, however, and looking down at him quizzically, she asked what we were laughing at.

I told her what the boss had done (he couldn't due to his temporarily crippling cackling session). On the face of it, she looked shocked, but there was a mischievous twinkle in her eye that told me she found the boss's jape amusing. Hinata, on the other hand, let out a little gasp.

"Oh, Naruto-kun! I- I hope he's okay," she said, her eyes flitting over to the Purple tents in the distance. She blushed and then added, realising her omission, "I mean, I hope they're both okay. Kiba-kun too."

"They'll be fine," I said. "They're both fast runners."

That time, Kurenai let a smile slip and turned to me. "Sasuke," she said. "It's good to see you again. You look great."

I was just about to say thanks when the boss finally decided to stop acting like a head-case and cut in, "Yes he does, doesn't he?" he said, throwing me a lingering and strangely proud glance.

"I do try," I said, grinning and giving my hair a mock toss.

"So how are you, Sasuke?" Kurenai went on. "From what I hear you've settled in really well at Oto-Enterprises."

"Yeah," I said, smiling a little as the boss linked hands with me. "Orochimaru-sama here finally recognised my awesomeness. I'm Chief Operating Officer now. It's hard work, but I enjoy it. You two still in Finance?"

Kurenai and Hinata nodded.

"T-That's really great, Sasuke," Hinata said sincerely. "I always knew you'd do well. Sakura said you were the best in your year at the Academy."

For a while after, I basked in the attention lavished upon me by my significant other and two lovely Konoha ladies. This lasted until Asuma Sarutobi wandered over from the long queue at the beer tent and spotted us. Strangely, he looked fine and quite happy and came over to us, all smiles— until he noticed the boss. After that, his jaw went rigid and his expression stony. He looked down at the boss and rolled his eyes.

"Good of you to finally join us, Oro," he said brusquely. "You quite finished, or are you gonna need another moment."

I must confess that Asuma's abrupt tone took me aback, and the shock registered on my face. Never before had I encountered someone – a relative stranger, or so I thought – who had the bollocks to come straight up to the boss and be rude to his face. The boss's reaction was similarly intriguing. He regarded Sarutobi's son for a moment from his prostrate position on the grass. Then he smiled a nasty smile and answered, in his silkiest, smarmiest voice, "I feel I shall be alright for another five minutes at least."

Asuma snorted. "Yeah. Knowing you, five minutes is about all we'll get before you're caught with your pants round your ankles."

The boss blinked, then his eyes narrowed dangerously. The smile was still there.

"I have just been talking to your charming young girlfriend," he said casually changing the subject, his eyes not leaving Asuma for a second. "Kurenai, yes?"

Kurenai nodded, looking a bit uncomfortable.

"Far too good for the likes of you, Asuma," the boss continued, his eyes glittering with malice. "For a wastrel, a failure. For a good-for-nothing deadbeat runaway—"

Silence fell (as it usually does when the boss wields his words to wound), and the shadow that passed across Asuma's face made me shiver.

Now Asuma, when I knew him when I worked for Konoha-Suna, was famous in the office for his laid-back attitude. Laid back almost to a fault sometimes, since deadlines were not always reached within his department, and reports not always handed in. Most of the time, he seemed to be on a perpetual smoke break, and he'd hitch a lift with Kakashi to work every morning – even though he had a perfectly functional and respectable vehicle of his own. He laughed and joked by the photocopiers, chatted up the available talent and was generally an all-round decent guy.

The way he looked at the boss at the food stalls, though... it was scary. It was like he really was going to go for him. For a moment I was terrified I would have to get in between them and pull them apart. But Asuma shook his head and said, turning away, "See what I told you, Kurenai? He's poisonous. I'm not taking any more of this shit. Come on."

He stalked off, Kurenai following after him and throwing us curious glances over her shoulder. Hinata dithered for a moment before curtseying apologetically and trotting after them. Since the boss didn't seem to feel like speaking, preferring instead to revel in his verbal victory over Asuma, I took a moment to do the math in my head. Satisfied with my conclusion, I broke the silence and turned to the boss.

"You wouldn't have worked with him at Konoha-Suna," I said quietly. "Sarutobi only got him the job two years before I joined, and you left for Akatsuki thirteen years ago. What's going on?"

The boss smiled and leaned over and kissed my forehead, as he is wont to do when he wishes to repress my enquiries and not divulge any personal information.

"It is nothing of consequence, Sasuke-kun," he said airily. "I simply do not care for him."

I didn't believe a word of it, but I let it slide. I would find out later, I reasoned, whether I got it from him or someone else, so I smiled and gave him one of the more obscure squeezes in my repertoire: one with a touch of warning, so that he knew I hadn't bought it but was willing to ignore for the time being.

Since Purple was pretty much off-limits, we took the scenic route back to our camp and absorbed all the mad sights and sounds of the first night of the festival. We were spotted a few times by random groups of people: "Hey! It's that guy! What d'ya mean that guy? That guy! You know, the guy who owns Otogakure Enterprises?" "YOU TUBE MAAAAANNNNNNNN!! DO THE DANCE, YOU TUBE MAAANNNN!!" Some of them came up to speak to us, including the naked thong man who passed by again. He staggered over and slung his arm around me and said directly into my ear, "Hzzz mmmph hzzz wizzle wizzle hmmm."

Moving away slightly to improve acoustics, I asked him to repeat himself and he burped and said, "I know who you are. You're Uchiha Sasuke."

I said that was true and asked after his tent progress. The naked thong man beamed and said, "Put it up just there. Off to buy a funny hat from the stall."

He paused for a moment, his bleary, red-rimmed eyes catching sight of the boss. Then he nodded and addressed him directly. "I know you too. You want to take care of this one," he said, giving me a shake for emphasis. "He's a wee diamond!"

The boss nodded, but that wasn't quite enough for the naked thong man, who insisted that he _swear_ he'd take care of me. Laughing, the boss made a solemn promise to take care of me, and, satisfied, the man said, "Righto, chaps! I'm off!" and he wandered away again down the path.

Back at Red, just before our tent, we encountered a group of merry individuals who had installed a mini trampoline in the middle of the pathway. They were sitting on fold away chairs filming the action with a camcorder and cheered every time someone jumped on the trampoline and booed lustily if they walked round it. I cast a glance at the boss and it was obvious he was not going to compromise his dignity, so in order to spare myself a booing on video (which will end up on YouTube again, no doubt – I am cursed, I swear, but at least the boss will be too this time) I jumped while the boss held my hand in case I fell on my arse when I landed. We got an extra cheer when they realised who we were, and raucous cries of "OROCHIMARUUUUUUUUUUUU" followed us as we went.

When we finally reached our tents, a (justifiably) vengeful Naruto was lying in wait, covered in grass stains, his hair all a-tangle. With a howl, he launched himself at me and we both went tumbling to the ground. I wrestled with him for a minute before I gave up because I was laughing too hard, and he said, "Man, you guys suck! You _knew_ they were gonna chase us!"

He wasn't too mad about it, though, and Kiba said that the general experience was "fuckin' awesome", which I thought odd but different strokes and all that. Like Naruto, Kiba has always been a bit different.

Nothing much else has happened so far. I've been sitting around outside with everyone, drinking a few cans, having a laugh and watching the weird and wonderful people go by. The mud-wrestling is just about to start, so I guess I should go out and find Naruto.

Wish me luck!

LATER:

I am covered head to toe in mud. Seriously. I have never been so muddy in my entire life. There is mud in my hair, in my ears, in between my toes, in my crotch – everywhere. I went to the showers, but I think I'll need to go again because it's drying in now and it's getting itchy. Why did I end up in the mud-wrestling puddle, you ask? I'll tell you.

Kiba and Naruto, the scheming little wankers, put my name down on the list as revenge for the Purple camp stunt! I will never trust them an inch ever again!

The mud-wrestling was an unofficial campsite activity; just a bunch of randoms who'd roped off a puddle with spare tent poles and guy ropes and taken a list of willing exhibitionist participants earlier on in the afternoon.

You should have seen my face when my name was read out. I wanted to punch them, seriously. I couldn't pull out, though, because there was a big crowd and they were all cheering and chanting and calling my name, and considering the climate of enthusiasm for the event, they probably would've pulled me into the mud with all my clothes on anyway. Setting my jaw and whispering to Naruto that I would flay him alive when it was over, I stripped down to my boxers and took great pleasure in beating the crap out of him in the ring. Kiba and Ino went next, followed by a four-way "tag-team" match with Kakashi, Iruka, Jiraya and Kiku. Kiku was the one who eventually prevailed and got the pin on Kakashi (though I have a suspicion that Kakashi let her win because he wanted her to sit on him – utter filth.) You should've seen the state of Jiraiya afterwards, ha ha. His hair was a disgrace. As I type, he's still in the showers trying to wash all the mud out of it – he even sent Kiku over to the stalls to buy another bottle of shampoo because he's used all of his already. I trudged back to the tent before I went to the showers myself to fetch a towel, looking like a monster from the black lagoon, and the boss was stunned at the levels of grime I had managed to accumulate in such a short period of time.

He said, "If I'd known you were going to participate, Sasuke-kun, I would have come along."

I think he's a bit mad he missed it. Oh well.

LATER:

I think I may have just been violated.

I went for a pee in the urinals because I didn't much fancy the Portaloos or the line of guys up against the fence, and as I was enjoying my pee, minding my own business and concentrating on my aim, I felt this strange tickling sensation at my ankles. Yelping, I looked down, thinking it was perhaps an insect of some description. Nothing. I carried on with my pee. A second later, the tickling sensation came again, and I looked down only to be greeted by the profoundly odd sight of the end of a tent pole caressing my bare calves through the gap underneath.

I never found out who did it, because by the time I'd finished and shaken myself dry, they'd run off.

There're some really sick people here, I swear.

Saw something utterly hilarious on the way back to the tent, though. I was standing with Iruka and Neji and we were having a nice time talking to Naked Thong Man again and trying to figure out what he was saying (we just keep bumping into each other – he must've pitched near to us). The next thing I know, there was a loud rustling noise and the sound of girls squealing. Whipping round to face the source of the noise, my eyes beheld the strange image of a fully-erected tent rolling down the pathway at a considerable speed.

"What the hell—?" I began, peering at the fast approaching tent, before I realised that it was being propelled forward from inside by what sounded like a young man from Mizugakure (I could tell by the accent). He was whooping and hollering and treating it like a giant hamster ball – causing such a racket that people stood up and peered over their own tents to see what on earth was going on. Naked Thong Man thought it was great and he ran after the tent, trying to catch it, leaving us to ponder upon what we had witnessed.

I pity the poor bastard whose tent it was, though. It was totally wrecked. Looks like someone's sleeping rough tonight!

LATER:

It's dark outside now. The moon is high in the sky and the stars are shining (despite the exorbitant level of light pollution in Konoha). Some interesting things have happened since I last wrote. Two interesting things, to be exact, and I feel the need to write them down. The others have gone along to the big fire someone lit between Red and Yellow (that strictly isn't supposed to be there because Jiraiya said fires have been banned ever since the one that went out of control in '98) but I'll join them a bit later. The boss is here outside with me, indulging in a power nap on Shikamaru's camp bed, having expended most of his energy on the ferocious argument he had with Asuma. I wasn't witness to the argument, but I learned what it was about when I bumped into Asuma later on and had a rather... illuminating chat with him.

Thankfully, I missed the big fight because I decided to head along to the Silent Disco tent with all the rest of the "younger ones" as the boss has taken to calling us (our camp has been divided into "older" and "younger" – older equating to the over 30s and younger encompassing the under 30s. Kabuto is floating between groups at the moment, and depending on how mature he's feeling at a particular time, can be part of either.) At any rate, he came with us, and we had a really good laugh. I think the Silent Disco tent might very well end up being my favourite part of Tea in the Park – it's so much fun, I cannot tell you.

When you walk past the Silent Disco tent and see the weirdness for the first time, you could be forgiven for thinking you're hallucinating (as some poor, doped up souls clearly thought they were), for what happens is as follows: as you enter the tent, you pick up a pair of headphones from the bins. When you put them on, you finally hear the "silent disco" music, which is being made by two DJs playing different sets, vying for dominance. There is a little button on the side of the headphones that lets you tune into DJ one or DJ two, with the result that you don't quite know what everyone else is listening to, until you hear a great roaring cheer from a part of the crowd and you frantically tune into the other channel to see what they're dancing to. It's almost as good watching from outside, because all you can see is a dance floor filled with people, pulling shapes to different tunes that you cannot hear.

It was great fun, and when we got back to Red, we were all laughing and joking and in fantastic moods. The atmosphere at camp was the complete opposite; it was fraught with tension. All the older ones were sitting outside in a circle on the chairs, looking drained, and we arrived in the middle of a muted conversation. Sensing it would be awkward to barge in and parade our happiness in front of them, we clustered together behind the tent and waited for the right moment to come along.

"— have to go get him," I heard Kurenai say. "I knew he didn't get along with him because of his father, but I had no idea it was this bad."

"It's always been like that," Jiraiya sighed, leaning forward and pinching the bridge of his nose. "They fight like cat and dog whenever there's a party or a family get-together. Sarutobi-sensei knows. Does his best to keep them apart, but it can't be done all the time."

"Would he still've come if he knew Asuma was going to be here?" Kurenai asked.

Jiraiya smiled grimly. "Knowing Oro? Probably."

There was a pause. Then Kurenai said something that made my insides grow cold. "He shouldn't have said that stuff about Sasuke. When I find him, I'll talk to him about it."

Even though I couldn't see, I could sense everyone's heads turning to look at me. The hairs on the back of my neck were tingling and I could feel a hot blush creeping across my cheeks.

Then Kakashi spoke up. "He didn't mean it, Kurenai," he said wearily. "He actually likes Sasuke. They got on really well when he was still with us – you know it, you saw it. He only said it to get a rise out of him – and it worked."

Kurenai shook her head sadly and stood up. "I know, but it still isn't right," she said. "I'm going to go try and find him. I'll see you guys later."

Then she happened to glance in our direction and her eyes went wide when she spotted me. "Oh. Sasuke. I-I didn't see you there..." she began, with a hesitant smile that faltered when she saw my expression.

A great wave of anger and resentment began to bubble up inside me, and I felt my fists curling – anger against the boss and against Asuma for being stubborn and pig-headed and unable to put aside whatever differences they had for a weekend – _one stupid, insignificant weekend!_ – so that I would be able to have a good time and enjoy myself. Oh no! Heaven forbid I should ever be able to go somewhere with the boss and not get involved in an overblown drama.

So when Kurenai started to explain what happened, I just did not want to listen. Less than a minute prior, I had been so happy I could've sung a little song celebrating it. But my happiness had been thoroughly dashed – pounded into a dried blood dust stain upon the wretched earth. Yet again I had been dragged into something that was absolutely nothing to do with me in the first place.

"Forget it," I said coldly, interrupting her and turning my back to all the curious faces. "I don't want to know."

In a foul humour, I stalked off down the path, heading in no direction in particular. So enraged was I and lost in dark thoughts, that I curtly brushed off any attempts of random festival-goers to make conversation with me. At length, I wandered so far that I ended up in Green camp (which is miles away from anywhere) and I sat down on the grass next to the first aid tent. Guess who was sitting over at the other corner smoking a cigarette?

That's right, Asuma.

As soon as I saw him and made eye-contact, I got up to leave, but he beckoned me over with a finger and said in a grave manner, "C'mere, Sasuke. I wanna talk to you."

Shrugging, I walked across and sat down next to him – though not too near because Kurenai's words were still fresh in my mind. He had blatantly insulted me behind my back to get a rise out of the boss, so you may understand that I wasn't feeling too well-disposed towards him. It took me by surprise, then, when the first thing that came out of his mouth was an apology.

"I'm sorry, Sasuke," he said, with what appeared to be genuine contrition. "I only said that stuff because I knew it would make Oro mad. I didn't mean it."

A corner of my mouth twitched into a brief flash of a wry smile. "I don't even know what you said, Asuma," I replied curtly. "I'm just pissed off that you said it to everyone behind my back – that you even said it at all if you didn't mean it."

Asuma took a drag and exhaled. Then he gazed at me curiously and said, "What, they didn't tell you what happened?"

"No, they did not," I confirmed, a shade testily. "They were about to when I lost my patience with the whole situation and walked off."

"Oh..."

"Yes. As you may have realised, I'm none too happy right now."

"Sorry."

"So you should be."

Asuma fell silent for a moment, then said, "I swear I didn't mean it, Sasuke. I guess I was just kind of disappointed that you got together with him at all. First I heard of it was when Naruto came into work the day after Jiraiya's 50th. No one could get a hold of you that night – I remember that girl Karin asking me if I'd seen you. I had my suspicions, though, because he was eyeing you up all night at that party – kept staring at you like you were unreal or something. And I was right. I knew he'd end up getting you into bed. He's—"

Slightly agitated, he trailed off for a second while thinking on how best to express his disdain for my significant other while I sat there seething quietly, trying my best not to answer back. He obviously sensed my annoyance and decided to give up on stating his opinion outright, instead opting for relevant examples that would convey his opinion of the boss in a more subtle manner.

"I remember meeting that Kimimaro kid a couple of times when dad was having a family parties," he began. As soon as he invoked the spectre of Kimimaro, my ears pricked up instantly. "Oro invited him along as his partner. It was the first time he'd ever brought any of his dirty little secrets to see mum and dad – and they loved it. Lapped it right up. They were so pleased their little Oro-kins was maybe finally going to grow up and settle down with someone – never mind it was with some poor, infatuated kid about half his age.

They were disappointed when it came crashing down. I don't even know why – because _I_ knew it would. When it comes to relationships, Oro ruins everything he touches, so why would that time have been any different? I was kind of glad," he said with a hint savage pride in his eyes. "He's always gets everything else he wants without any trouble. Dad would give him anything, seriously. He knows what he's like but he always turns a blind eye to his perfect Orochimaru."

It was then that realisation finally dawned. The strife between Asuma and the boss which had hitherto seemed inexplicable to me, was now clear: it was nothing more than a bog-standard case of sibling rivalry. I don't know why I didn't see it before, because being Itachi's younger brother, I am all too aware of such familial tension. I guess I simply did not connect the two of them together – despite the boss's admission at Christmas that he considers the Sarutobis his surrogate family.

Nonetheless, it struck me as odd, because they wouldn't have grown up together, the boss being about twenty-three when Asuma would've been born. I'm not sure how old the Sarutobis' daughter is (I know they have one and that she's Konohamaru's mother) but I'm guessing she'd roughly be of age with Asuma – and despite the histrionics regarding the Christmas decorations, Konohamaru has never had a major problem with the boss that I know of.

Despite myself, I was curious, so I kept my mouth shut and let Asuma reminisce and treat me like his therapist. He went on.

"After Oro left Konoha-Suna to work for that bunch of cut-throats in Akatsuki – sorry, Sasuke, I know your brother works there, but it's true – he totally went off the rails. Now, I knew the signs, because I went off the rails myself when I was a kid, and my parents sent me to a monastery to straighten me out. It was so damned obvious, but mum and dad couldn't see it – or, more accurately, they _wouldn't_ see it. He didn't call them for months at a time, and they could never get a hold of him. They were getting worried, and I couldn't stand seeing him treat them that way after all they'd done for him, so I called him myself one day.

He was trashed when he answered, and I couldn't get much sense out of him, but I told him to call my dad or else. He must've done it, because dad invited him to his 60th birthday party at the house. Dad invited Jiraiya and Tsunade too because he thought it might encourage Oro to come. Ha, that was a mistake. All three of them were going through a bad phase back then: Jiraiya turned up with some hooker he'd met a week before and Tsunade was paralytic on the floor in a couple of hours after drinking herself into a coma. Oro was the worst, though. Showed up two hours late, and when my mum brought him inside... he was a mess. He was emaciated, Sasuke, almost skeletal. His pupils had dilated so much you could hardly see the colour of his weird eyes – and he was so out of it he didn't even notice he had a bloody nose.

It was disgusting. My mum started crying when she saw him – she must've finally realised the truth – and she started asking him what was taking and how long he'd been doing it for. Oro had the cheek to get mad at her, telling her to shut up, saying that it was none of her business, that she wasn't his mother, and that he'd do whatever he liked, whenever he liked.

Now, I was on weekend leave from the monastery specially so I could go to my dad's party, and I was thinking, "Ungrateful piece of shit - don't you dare talk to my mother like that!" I stood up, I got in his face, Oro called me a failure or something else he always calls me and we got into a fist fight before my dad split us up. It was horrible. Oro was calling me for everything, and then he got into a fight with my dad. It was scary. I'd never seen my dad that angry before – even when the police brought me home one night after I drove his car into the pond in the park. Oro was on a whole other level, though. He totally freaked out. I mean, it was obviously the coke talking, but it was like he went berserk. I didn't even know what he was saying half the time, it was just a long, ranting string of abuse. He was throwing stuff and breaking things and my dad just took a hold of him, dragged him outside and threw him into the car. He said he was taking Oro to hospital and that he wasn't leaving Oro until he got clean."

Asuma paused for a moment to take a drag of this smoke. Then he turned to face me and said, with a sad smile, "But do you know the most fucking irritating thing, Sasuke?"

"What?" I asked, utterly transfixed.

"My dad fucking did it. Stayed with Oro every day and every night at the clinic until he was clean. Oro quit his job at Akatsuki and everything. They weren't happy about it, or so I heard, but you know Oro – to hell with the consequences as long as he's the one benefiting. My mum went every day to visit him, even after all the stuff he said to her, and it was round about that time I came home from the monastery for good.

For years I'd been away from home, making a hell of an effort to straighten myself out, on my own with no one else to rely on. When I finally come home, I see this reprobate fucking junkie with my parents – _my mum and dad_ – wrapped around his little finger. They dropped everything to help him but they sent me away? I mean, I know they love Oro and everything, hell knows they made it obvious, but it was all I heard when I was a kid: "Orochimaru did this. Orochimaru did that. Isn't Orochimaru clever, Asuma? Isn't Orochimaru wonderful? I know Orochimaru did X when he was X years old, but we're not expecting you to be like him, Asuma. Why can't you be more like Orochimaru, Asuma? Doesn't the sun shine out Oro's ass, Asuma?

I couldn't live up to him before and even then he was still the one they liked best. It's always been that way. Whenever Oro screws up, my dad jumps. He left my New Years' party early because the stupid shit went and got heat stroke. It makes me mad, Sasuke, real mad because it's all a fucking stroll for him. Things just get handed to him on a plate – and he takes them. When he was discharged from the clinic, he stayed at my parents' house for a week or so, and he kept saying he would make it up to them, that he would make them proud one day because he had this big idea that he wanted to get off the ground. Six months later, he had his own company, and a year after that, it was floated on the stock market. As I said: one big, fucking stroll. Did you know my dad was intending to make Oro CEO of Konoha-Suna when he retired?"

Trying to disguise my surprise, I said I did not.

"Not many people do, though it was obvious to everyone that that was what my dad wanted. Turns out he didn't need to, though. Oro's company ended up successful enough to hold its own even against us. Namikaze Minato got promoted to Oro's old job, poor guy, but that didn't last long."

"What happened?" I asked, recalling the grinning blonde bloke who attended the boss's leaving night from the photographs.

"No one really knows," Asuma said, taking a last drag from his cigarette before stubbing it out on the grass. "He was shot dead outside his house. The killers were never found, but I think it was something to do with that fucking Mizu lot. There was a lot of shady business going on then, and I think Minato got caught up in it. Not that he was actually involved. More like he didn't want to be involved – he was a real straight up guy, Minato – and they got their panties in a twist and took him out because he refused. His wife, Kushina, was killed too. They had a kid, just a little guy at the time, probably would be your age now, come to think of it, but social work got in there before we could, so we don't know what happened to him. The kid probably grew up in care."

I thought of all the people I knew who'd grown up in the care of the state – a surprisingly large number, including myself, my brother, Naruto and Deidara – and I sympathised.

"Oro was lucky," Asuma said, groaning slightly as he stood up and stretched himself on stiff legs. "But for my mum and dad, he could've been one of them."

He held out a hand to me, and I took it, feeling him pull me to my feet.

"But yeah, I'm sorry Sasuke," he said sincerely. "I just said some stuff to him about how shit he was at relationships and sort of threw your name in there. I didn't mean it. You're alright, Sasuke. I don't want to see him taking advantage."

I shrugged and shook my head, managing a wry smile. "I forgive you," I said. "But don't let it happen again. I'm serious about that, I don't want my weekend ruined because you two can't get along. When you get back to the camp – ignore him. Swear to me you'll ignore him because if you don't, I'm going to have to murder you both in your sleep."

Grinning, Asuma swore on his life that he would do his best to ignore the boss, and together we embarked upon the long walk back to our tents. We didn't really say much. Asuma had talked himself out, no doubt, and as for me, well... I had been given a lot to think about.

One of the things I most admire about the boss is the way he seems to be in control of every situation in which he finds himself. He's incredibly meticulous in that regard, as he wants to know everything that's going on round about him (a few less kind words for describing him would be control-freak, authoritarian, despot and tyrant.) I guess his brief descent into the realms of middle-class, drug-fuelled madness at Akatsuki and subsequent recovery brought about that particular personality trait: from directionless hedonist to the man with the big idea. It was weird. I still can't quite picture the boss as a board room junkie. Well, perhaps it isn't so much 'cannot picture' as 'do not want to picture' – a bit like the Sarutobis, I guess (affection does tend to blind one to the worst faults of others.)

In the middle of a rather morbid bout of speculation as to what might have become of the boss had Sarutobi not intervened, I was rather surprised to see the very object of my imaginings standing a few feet away with Kabuto as we clambered over the protruding roots of a row of trees and emerged onto the main path. They were speaking with someone who was sitting on the grass. I turned to Asuma, opening my mouth to excuse myself, but he had already noticed.

"Go on," he said, smiling. "I don't know what you see in him, but I won't hold it against you. I'll see you back at camp."

I grinned, thanked him and waved goodbye before jogging over to where the boss and Kabuto were standing.

This is when the second 'interesting' thing happened.

Initially, I had intended to sneak up behind the boss and prod him in the kidneys with both fingers while singing "Guess who?" Instead, I stopped short and darted behind the nearest tent when I discerned the familiar and unwelcome figure of Kaguya Kimimaro sitting on the grass, his legs crossed, looking exhausted, dirty and utterly dejected. Luckily, he hadn't spotted me and his big turquoise-blue eyes were looking up at Kabuto, who was questioning him about something.

"So what happened to your tent?"

Kimimaro sighed, running a grubby hand through his hair, and said, "The second we got here, my idiot cousin decided to drink all the vodka we brought. We had enough to last the entire weekend. He then thought it would be hilarious fun to rip up the tent that I had spent half an hour putting up – with no help from him, I might add – and treat it like a hamster ball. I left for ten minutes – _ten minutes_ – and when I came back the tent was gone. I would've had no idea what happened if the people camping next to us hadn't told me. I went to see if I could find him, to no avail. I've passed a few people who saw him, though, and they said the tent is absolutely wrecked."

As he went on, his voice became higher as his agitation increased. "And I don't know what I'm going to do! I don't have enough money for a new tent! I only brought enough for food and beer tokens, and I don't know where I'm going to sleep tonight." He paused for a moment to catch his breath, and then he smiled in a nasty sort of way that I would not have expected from him and said, "I was contemplating the possibility of robbing some tents before you showed up."

"Kimimaro-kun," the boss began matter-of-factly, "I will not have you skulking around robbing tents after dark like a common thief."

Dipping into his back pocket, he fished out a wallet and began to count out notes, but Kimimaro recoiled, aghast.

"Orochimaru-sama!" he said, mortified. "No! Absolutely not!"

"Don't be ridiculous, you silly boy. Here," the boss insisted, thrusting a wad of cash in Kimimaro's face. "Take it and buy yourself another tent."

"No! I am not going to take it. Please, Orochimaru-sama, do not make me."

"I will not have you sleeping rough. What if it rains?"

This remark caused Kimimaro to hesitate. He looked at the cash, tempted for a brief moment, before his resolve kicked in once again.

"No, Orochimaru-sama!" he wailed. "I will not! Please... I- I'll find Kimihito and get the tent back. We brought duct tape. It'll be okay."

Filthy, technically homeless, down on his luck and being offered money by his ex, Kimimaro looked as though he was about cry. Strangely enough, Kabuto, the one person who Kimimaro really made life miserable for, took pity on him.

"Kimimaro-kun," he began, crouching down to look him in the eye, "if you want, you can come back with me to our tent for a bit – get yourself cleaned up, have something to eat, sort yourself out – and you can look for your cousin later. Okay?"

Kimimaro stared at him, the merest glimmer of stubborn resentment flashing in his eyes, before he sighed and said, "Fine..."

Then, to my horror, Kabuto added, "And if you can't find him, you're staying with us. It's a six-man tent and there's three of us in it: me, and Hatake Kakashi and Umino Iruka from Konoha-Suna. You don't know them, but they're perfectly fine, and they won't mind squeezing someone else in – especially someone as puny as you. Why what haven't you been eating, Kimimaro?"

Kabuto grinned evilly and prodded Kimimaro in the ribs, an action which elicited a tired smile from the younger man. "Don't tease me, Kabuto-sempai. I haven't been feeling so good lately and I don't feel like eating. I'm so tired and I've got a horrible cold I just can't seem to shake."

As Kabuto helped Kimimaro to his feet, the boss gazed around the campsite as though he was looking for something. Then he said, "If you're taking Kimimaro-kun back to your tent, then I'm going to go look for Sasuke-kun. I must get to him before Asuma does, or god knows what lies he'll feed him..."

From my vantage point behind the tent, I must confess I smirked a bit as I watched the boss whip round on his heel and stride down the path in his hoodie and wellies. When the boss was gone, I heard Kimimaro say to Kabuto as they passed by my hiding place, a hint of apprehension apparent in his voice, "Sasuke is here?"

There was a pause, in which I assume Kabuto must've nodded because I couldn't see what was going on. Then Kimimaro sighed and said, "That's fine. I don't care. What I want more than anything right now is to feel clean and have somewhere to sleep – and to break Kimihito's neck, the piece of trash that he is, but I'll settle for never seeing him again for the rest of my life. I hope he drinks himself to death."

Kabuto laughed at Kimimaro's surprisingly venomous quip, but I didn't hear his answer because by that time they were a good way away. Following them was not an option, as it meant I would have had to negotiate a hazardous guy-rope forest, which is never a good idea even if one is sober. Instead, I darted out from behind the random tent and sprinted down the path in the opposite direction, taking the long way back to Red camp.

If I am forced to admit it, it was probably a fortunate thing I spied Kimimaro when I did, because when I arrived back at the tents, he was there already, sitting next to Kakashi on the blow up sofa, cleaning his face with some wet wipes. The knowledge afforded to me by means of my underhand spying tactics meant that I could pretend to be cool, blasé, supremely unconcerned about his presence in the camp and the fact that he would be but one tent away from the boss for the whole weekend. To tell you the truth, it didn't bother me perhaps as much as it should have. Probably because I had only just witnessed the boss display his affection for me in a scenario where he did not have to pretend to please me; he left Kimimaro with Kabuto so he could go look for me. I was clearly still the favourite and there was no real danger in him being there.

So I strolled into camp with my head held high, waves of the infamous Uchiha arrogance and pride rolling off me and drowning everyone else in an ocean of despair because they can never be as hot shit awesome as me. Kimimaro's eyes flickered towards me for a moment and in that brief period of eye contact, I made my message clear: "You are nothing to me but a nasty little mediocrity," my eyes said, "and you're only here because I'm tolerating your presence. If you dare make a move on Orochimaru-sama, I won't hold back this time."

To keep up appearances, though, I tilted my head in Kabuto's direction, my eyes not leaving Kimimaro, and asked with all the cold hauteur I could muster, "What's he doing here?"

"He's lost his tent, Sasuke," Kabuto said casually, taking a swig from a two litre bottle of Strongbow. "His cousin got drunk and was running about inside it. It's more than likely destroyed by now."

Kimimaro's face reddened and he doubled his efforts with the wet wipes – trying to hide behind them, no doubt.

I smirked. "Oh? Was that your tent? I saw it go flying past earlier on. Your cousin was going at quite a pace. So what's the matter? Don't have enough cash to buy a new one?"

Kimimaro's blush deepened and I saw a spark of resentment in his eyes. I felt a sudden rush at having wounded him so and had to fight very hard to keep from grinning.

"Oh well. Never mind," I said, smiling nastily. "I suppose you're lucky Kabuto took pity on you. In fact, I suppose you're lucky _I'm_ taking pity on you – and I am, because I'm a nice person – otherwise you'd be out on your arse."

I know, I know, that was a big, fat lie. Never in a million years would I let Kimimaro near me if I could help it – but in a flash of inspiration, I realised that I _could not_ help it, so I should find the best way to turn the situation to my advantage. Hence the power-trip in the cunning guise of morality.

Turning on my heel, I stalked over to the tent, unzipped the door and kicked off my wellies before spinning round on my backside and crawling inside. I almost had a heart attack when I saw the boss inside, sitting cross-legged atop his own camp bed. I knew right then and there that he'd heard everything I'd said.

He regarded me in quite a curious manner; it was a look of his that always disconcerts me because I never know how to read it, never know whether he's going to blow up in my face or kiss me. Beckoning me over, he held out his arms to receive me. He wasn't mad, and I realised I was going to get away with it. I shuffled across the groundsheet on my knees, plonked down next to him on the camp bed and let him pull me into a cuddle.

Placing a kiss on the top of my head, he said, "That was quite cruel of you, Sasuke-kun, but I'm glad you've taken it so well."

I shrugged in a non-committal sort of way because I didn't want him to think he could make it a regular occurrence. Trust him, though, to see through my power trip. Only he could.

"But where have you been?" he asked. "I've been looking all over for you."

I don't know why, but I think during my short exchange with Kimimaro I became a little drunk on power and got a taste for it. I'm ashamed to admit this, but... well... how many opportunities would I have in life for being one step ahead of the boss in the age old game of emotional manipulation and control? Not many. And the fact that Kimimaro was right outside meant that I had to take affirmative action to ensure I remained top dog.

Hence my deliberately cagey reply. "I had a little chat with Asuma," I said. "Bumped into him outside the first aid tent in Green."

As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt the boss stiffen. Success. I had hit the mark.

"So you heard about our argument then. What sort of lies did he feed you?"

"Well, I didn't really think they were lies, but I suppose it would be nice if you could confirm them for me," I said, turning to smile at him. "He told me some story about you showing up to Sarutobi's 60th birthday party off your face on blow and starting a fight. He also told me that you quit your job because of it and that you went into rehab. Seems you were quite the party animal, Orochimaru-sama."

There was a long silence before the boss replied. "That was a long time ago, Sasuke-kun. A momentary lapse of control. I've been clean for years. My only vice now is alcohol."

"Oh?" I said casually, wrapping an arm around his waist and guiding him down onto the camp bed. "And what about me?"

I went in for the kill before the boss could answer, but when I pulled back for air, his eyes were glittering with lust, and I felt him say, his breath hot and smelling faintly of vodka, his lips against mine, "I may be going mad, Sasuke-kun, but I think I might even give up alcohol if you asked it of me."

I made sure we stayed in the tent for a while after that because I wanted to seal the deal, and when we emerged from the tent, I knew that my manipulation had been more successful than I could ever have dreamed of. The boss didn't say a word to Kimimaro the rest of the night; he was glued to my side and seemed quite happy to stay there. It appeared that Asuma had also taken my advice and was rigorously ignoring the boss, limiting his conversation to those he knew wouldn't rile him and not hanging around camp much.

Myself? I am feeling utterly fantastic. My fortunes have turned and I am riding on a high. I am totally in control of this situation and everything around me. The boss is toeing the line, Asuma is toeing the line, Kimimaro is staying the hell away and everyone else thinks I'm Saint Sasuke for letting him stay. The best thing about it? I have made this happen. I now know how the boss feels on a daily basis – and it feels fucking great.

Oh, but the boss! He did something hilariously funny about an hour ago. Lord, I almost wet myself laughing, it was so special.

I don't know where it came from or why we started doing it, but for some reason somebody decided it would be a good idea to make a toast 'to Iruka's birthday' every time they took a first drink out of something. It ended up catching on, and by about nine o'clock, everyone was doing it – even the people next to us who had no idea who Iruka was. The boss and Jiraiya were a bit drunk and they had somehow convinced themselves that it actually was Iruka's birthday, and they started pestering the girls, trying to get them to give Iruka a lap dance. When the girls refused adamantly, the boss tried Neji because he said he "looked a bit like a girl". Unsurprisingly, Neji also refused and said that the same could apply to the boss. The two of them were forced to venture further afield, and wandered through the other tents to the path. Eventually, they brought back a fat, bearded man who was willing to dance in exchange for a two litre bottle of Strongbow.

The boss presented the man with his prize, and announced that for the rest of the evening, he would be known as Tiffany. The man saluted, grinned and then proceeded to straddle Iruka and wiggle his arse in his face. Iruka had gone chalk white, but everyone else was roaring with laugher, cheering the guy on. When the boss demanded he remove some articles of clothing to make it more authentic, the guy not only peeled off his t-shirt and whirled it around his head, but also pulled down his pants, whipped his wang out, windmilled it for a bit and then slapped it against Iruka's face. At that point I was helpless with laughter. Seriously. I was actually in pain and was having trouble breathing. After the brief display, the fat man known as Tiffany picked up his cider and ran off, chortling all the way back to his tent. Iruka sat on his chair, stunned, and then wandered off, muttering dark things about the boss and Jiraiya.

Oh well. It's nearly one am. I'm going to wake the boss up and see if he wants to go down to the big fire. There are poi and bongos and dancing, or so I've heard, and I'm feeling charitable, so I might even let Naruto paint my face. Should be fun.

Will write tomorrow at some point!

- - - -

* * *

AN: Jeez, this chapter really took me for a ride. I had planned to do the whole festival in one go, but Oro, Asuma and Kimimaro had other ideas. I'm glad they ganged up on my plan and beat it into submission, though, because I kind of like the way this one turned out. Mainly because Sasuke has decided to turn a leetle bit evil. It's Oro's own fault. A guy with Sasuke's genes going out with a ruthless manipulator like him - it was bound to happen sooner or later! I still feel kind of sorry for Kimimaro (but I also find it quite fun to torture him - is that wrong?)

Also, I would like to recommend the following fic to you: _Shadowplay_ by NayanRoo. It is a fantabulous and well-written gangster AU and has the creepiest Oro and Madara ever. I love it. It rawks my sawks. Chromde has already read it (because she always seems to have beaten me to every fic I come across on this site, lol) but for the rest of you guys, it's cool. Wander across and take a look.

As for the manga? This was my reaction to the latest chapter: "NOOOOOOOO, MADARA!! LEAVE TEH SAUCE ALONE, U SLIMY FUCK!! SAUCE, WHAT IS RONG WIT U? HEZ USIN U 2 DESTROY TEH KONOHAZ!! WAI U NO SEE?" Also, Mizukage wtf?

But I'm going to have to get over my outrage at Madara's manipulatin skillz, because it's time for thank-yous!

**NayanRoo** (I shall make a mental note that you can be bribed with delicious sandwiches and pizza, should I ever find myself in a situation where I have to do a Madara. But yes! Oh my god, Madara! He is _so_ a gentleman slimeball. Mizukage anyone? It was a bit of a wtf situation for me at first, but now I'm thinking, yeah that's cool actually. And Akatsuki could've been a real force if they'd kept it together - two more of its members aside from Maddy dearest ended up rulers of hidden villages. Oh yeah, and I plugged your fic because its awesome. XD)

**Nozomi-sama** (Aie! I succumb to your tackleglomphuggle and congratulate on your attempt to eat Madara's face - a hard task as it's covered up with that fetching orange mask. It does look like a lollipop, but probably doesn't taste like one. I'd imagine the inside of it would be particularly unsavoury, since Madara never takes the damn thing off. Eww. XD I'm so glad you liked Sai and Sasori. It never occurred to me before I started writing that chapter. That was another thing that just sprung itself on me.)

**NaruGuru** (Hello again, you fantastic person you! Kishi-sensei is pure awesome indeed. I am waiting patiently to see where he's going to go with this amazing line he's spun us - civil war with bijuu nukes? Naruto against Sasuke? Evil Madara returning from the grave? And where does Kabutomaru figure in all this? I am excited. Also, I am glad you liked the Itachi Sasuke interaction. I love writing them - can you tell, lol? They're both so angsty, but in different ways. I cheer for the Uchiha brothers.)

**Kokura** (There are no words that can adequately express how amazingly fucking lolworthy that review was. Seriously. I had tears in my eyes. XD I am impressed by your insight and vision and would be honoured to join forces with you to enlighten the masses and change the world. All hail the wisdom of the doctrine of the Long Pube - may it prosper and send its message of glory, love and the virtues of trimming for ten thousand years. Your dream vision was quite astounding. I am wondering whether it was the ice cream that did it? Truly it is a food worthy of gods. Also, I am in agreement with the Long Pube cast in gold. The pube of Jesus would most certainly be gold, reflecting his fair skin and hair because Jesus was obviously a white man from Oxford. ;-))

**Aperion** (You're the first reviewer to pick up on the Schopenhauer thing. It so fits canon Sasuke, doesn't it? He's such a little angster. Oro reads him regularly in this fic too; mainly because I have this idea that canon Orochimaru is a nihilist. I was going to write an essay on it for NF forums, but it would mean picking up some books on it, and no one wants that kind of heavy stuff lying on their minds. It always makes me depressed, lol. I'm glad you liked Sasori's line. Made me chortle too. XD)

**ArilianaFireQueen** (Oh, I see now. That makes much in the way of sense. But wha? You're doing a history presentation on George Clooney? Lol! XD I love it! Hope it went well and glad you liked the chapter.)

**Bri** (You are so right. The manga is a little bit confuzzling at the moment, though I am sort of in love with all the subterfuge and deception. I really miss Oro and I hope that he'll come back at some point, but Madara is excellent for the time being. He actually reminds me of Oro a lot; their storylines have gone in a similar direction. I'm crossing my fingers for civil war in Konoha. That would be excellent. I'm glad you liked the Sasuke Itachi interaction. They're such little angsters, it's great fun to write.)

**hieilover135** (Ah, so you're a science buff are you? I always admire the sciencey types because it's all Greek to me. Except that if I wanted, I could probably learn Greek quite easily. Hmmm... Need a better analogy. Let's say it's all algebra to me. Yeah, that works much better. XD Yeah, SOAS is a bit of a language/business school so probably wouldn't be best for you. Hope your exams went well! Alas, I cannot tell you what's going on with Madara and Itachi, but hopefully it won't be too long before you find out. But since I know how much you like Lee, he's going to get a moment in the sun next chapter.)

**Dooki** (Thanks so much for such nice comments. I'm trying my best to make each chapter different so it won't get boring for you guys. It might sound weird, but I can't wait for this section to be over because I want to get to a particular bit in the story _so_ bad. It's getting quite hard waiting, lol, but it needs to be done. Character development is very important. I'm not just going to spring shit on you like Kishimoto does. XD

**chibibaka1** (Lol, you have got it in one. Sasuke does not realise it, but being an Uchiha has its downsides: he will be forever condemned to live under public scrutiny, no matter how much he tries to avoid it. And I try my best to fit canon into this, though it's hard work sometimes. I was tearing my hair out a while ago when Kishimoto threw us the "Itachi Eye-Snatcher" curveball, because it almost ruined the ending I'd planned for this fic. Thankfully, he saw the error of his ways and instead gave me an absolute gift. So yes. It's all going according to plan. -evilgrin- I'm glad you liked the Sasori and Deidara's artwork. I have no idea where it came from, but if something like that ever turned up in the real Turner prize, I wouldn't be surprised.)

**Chromde** (Yay! Hello again, O wondrous Chromde. NayanRoo's Madara is truly great. He's so sleazy, it gives me the heebie-jeebies. I also noticed you beat me to discovering that fic, lol. It's fabulous stuff. I'm so with you on Sasori/Sai. It was one of those things that just, like, hit me in the middle of writing. I thought, "Man, _why_ didn't I think of that before?" And so it went in. I fear for Sai, though. Sasori will corrupt him, there is no doubt about that. I did indeed come up with every single damn thing in the Gurner prize shortlist. No, I do not smoke crack or take LSD. XD I'm so glad you liked the interaction between the Uchiha brothers. I squeed while writing, I kid you not.)

**YoungSasuke** (Hello there! Nice to see you on the review boards again. Oh, the Uchiha brothers! They are so clever in some things but so incredibly dense in others. I'm afraid I've rather grown to like them through writing this. I'm so glad you like Deidara. Aside form Oro, he's one of the most fun to write - he's such a mentalist. I can totally go mad with him.)

**Tristechan** (I recognise your screen name... -goes to check- Aha! You reviewed _Sasori and the Stolen Bananas_. Thank you for that! Oh the Uchiha brothers, though, they are so tragic. I shed a small tear when Sasuke cried for his brother in the manga. You silly boy! You should've used those eyes for love and understanding, not hate and vengeance - they you might have been able to see through your brother's ruse.)

**danni quinn** (Lol, sorry about the lengthy delay between updates last time round. I can't even remember why I took so long. It is a far cry from last year when I had just finished my finals, had nothing to do and could update every couple of days or so (though I don't think I could do that again - I ended up burning out. Not so nice). But you got a puppy? That is... like... so amazingly cool. I love dogs - they're my favourites! What kind of dog did you get and what did you name it? I hope the sex-deprived Oro chan met your approval in this chapter. XD)

**fiore777** (Thanks for the good luck wishes. I kind of needed them, lol. I suppose I should update my LJ and tell people what went on, because it was sort of important. XD I'm really bad at updating (though not as bad as you, lol. I know you're a mod at NF forums and everything, but that's no excuse. C'mon, update! XD) The sinister painting is the one known all over the interwabz as the "Haunted Ebay painting". It's called _Hands Resist Him_ and it's by a guy called Bill Stoneham. It give me the creeps looking at it. I used to watch people play videogames too. I remember being on walkthrough duty when Silent Hill came out and crapping myself when the cat burst out the locker. XD)

**Kagekatsu** (Lol, no offence taken. Loads of people have said that to me already about this fic, that they don't normally read yaoi, don't like Oro/Sasu, or pairings in general, but can tolerate this work of weirdness for some reason. Maybe it's because I don't even think of this yaoi myself when I'm writing. It's first and foremost something designed to make people laugh, and that side consequently comes through more than anything else. The OroSasu stuff is just a comedy side-effect. Thanks for taking the time to review, and I hope you liked this chapter.)

**Zinjah** (You're back! Woo! Yes, I don't quite know how I would react if someone presented something like that to me. I'm guessing it would be much like Sasuke in that I'd pretend to love it and secretly think, "Eww, gross. There's jizz everywhere." XD Thanks for taking the time to review. Hope this chapter met your approval!)

**killerdoodlebug** (Why hello there! A new reviewer! Always like me some new reviewers - and this one writes little poems that make me grin like a loon! But yeah, your comment about not liking the pairings but liking the story nonetheless, it's like I was saying to Kagekatsu earlier. Loads of folk have said stuff like that, but really like the story anyway for some reason. I guess it's because I treat ADitL strictly as a comedy fic - the sex and pairings are just part of that, not the main reason for it. I'm sorry I couldn't fit in Kabuto's birthday, but I simply had to put in a time-skip, otherwise I would've gone mad. XD)

**Beqs** (Yay! Another new reviewer! But oh my, I am your second favourite author ever? I blush a deep and furious red. I'm definitely not mad about taking second fiddle to the god of story writing that his Terry Pratchett. I could never dream of surpassing him. He is too amazingly good. Lol, it would've taken you quite a long time to review every single chapter of this story, so I understand. I wouldn't have if I were you. XD I'm so glad you like it, though, and I hope this chapter met your approval.)


	33. Chapter 33

A Day in the Life

* * *

AN: I have to thank my auntie Anne for the medical info. I tried reading journals, but I'm not a doctor. She is, so it was easier just to phone and ask.

* * *

July 27th

DAY NINE

It is ten minutes past ten in the morning and I appear to the be first one up. This does not surprise me in the least, as my eyes pinged open three hours earlier - despite the fact I ended up going to bed at four and really shouldn't have been awake at all. The reason for my premature awakening? My bladder was trying to tell me something. Quite urgently.

I lay there awake for a while, staring at the roof of the tent, weighing up the benefits of paying a visit to the portaloos versus staying in my warm, cosy sleeping bag and listening to the boss murmuring to himself. I wanted to stay in the tent, but when my intestines went "squawblabblablablabaubagurgle", I knew I could put it off no longer.

I did my best not to wake the boss during the mad scramble to vacate my sleeping bag (I have decided that they not only serve as camping essentials, but also man traps – it took me far too long to wriggle out of the damn thing!) Then, with the sheer single-mindedness that only comes about when one is desperate to pay a visit to the porcelain throne, I snatched up my toilet roll, wellies and the boss's purple fractal hoodie. After hopping around on one foot in that undignified dance one performs when trying to put on footwear in a hurry, I eventually managed to unzip the tent door and hit the grassy path at a run. You will notice how desperate I was, as I forsook trousers entirely, being somewhat short on time. If I had stayed to search for my cargo pants, I would have doubtless soiled myself.

My boxers flapping in the pleasant, slightly cool, morning breeze, I sprinted down the path, round the corner and along to the portaloos. People waved at me as I passed by them in a cloud of dust, but my pressing situation rendered me unable to engage in social niceties. Needing a shit in a really bad way can do that to you, I find.

When I screeched to a halt at the little portaloo square, my eyes scanning my surroundings, I was relieved to discover there were no queues. Hell yes, thought I, and I charged over to the first in the row.

I almost threw up when I wrenched open the door and the wave of fetid turd stench poured out and assailed my nostrils. The sight inside was absolutely horrendous and quite possibly the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. There was a _mound_ of shit in the toilet – I kid you not. It rose just above the seat, bound together with urine-saturated bog roll and watery vomit. Perched cheekily at the summit of the mound was a freshly laid, neatly curled crap that someone must have gone to a lot of bother to put there because their arse would've had to hover over the mound to do it.

I realised then why the boss had taken all those Immodium tablets and ended up unable to shit for a fortnight. Orochimaru-sama, I am sorry I laughed at you.

Horror-struck, I gagged and I slammed the door shut, clamping my hands over my mouth and willing the sour, lingering smell to get the hell out of my nose. It was only then that I noticed a few other dejected-looking people checking the portaloos, opening and slamming doors shut after cursory quality scans. Others were standing forlornly in the middle of the square, trying to hold in their pee by jigging while wondering whether they should go for it or not.

As soon as I registered the competition, my search for an _at least_ usable portaloo began in earnest. I could not have one of those lowlifes beating me, an Uchiha, to a clean toilet. I checked one, two, three, four, five – all varying degrees of vile. Shit everywhere. Absolutely no good. The sixth, however…

Beyond all hope, it was reasonably clean. The shit was _inside_ the toilet, no one had pissed all over the seat, and there was even half a roll left that hadn't disintegrated all over the floor. I must confess that in my desperate state, I did not consider there might be a reason why this particular portaloo had remained relatively untouched – I simply whooped with glee and darted inside, locking the door shut, unable to believe my luck. In a flash, I had dropped my boxers and sat down, revelling in the imminent joy of relief.

It was then that I saw where all the shit had actually gone.

Now, I cannot imagine how drunk/high/possibly both you would have to be to not notice that you'd shat up the inside of a door. I also cannot imagine how drunk/high/possibly both you would have to be to then smear it all over the damned door with your hands (perhaps an attempt to clean it up? I can only guess.)

Needless to say, I was a shade traumatized. Nausea rose, and I had to fight it in case I added some inadvertent colour to the shit-splatter. To make things worse, in response to this most stomach-churning turn of events, my anal aperture decided that it would no longer cooperate and it squeezed itself shut in protest. This caused me to weep hot, salty tears of despair because I really, really, really needed to go. Eventually, I managed to convince it that if it just manned up and got everything done that needed to be done, I would be up and out in a nanosecond and all parties would benefit. Closing my eyes and filtering the air through my fingers helped wonders too.

Once finished, I gingerly unlocked the door (trying not to touch the shitty bits) and emerged, gasping for breath, into the clean, fresh air of the campsite. I must've looked a bit green, because two guys came over to ask if I was alright.

All this has happened… and I have no one to complain to! Not a single one of the lazy sods are out of their tents. Not even the boss is charitable enough to comfort me in my time of need – even though I was EXTREMELY careful not to wake him up earlier on. I was considerate, so why can't he be considerate and lend an ear so I can bitch for half a second? When I got back to the tent, wanting to talk about the horrors I had witnessed (I mean, I need to talk about these things, otherwise I will only internalise them and develop even more anxiety problems than I already have) the boss was still asleep, lying on his camp bed, facing the other way. I crept over and gave him a little shake – and do you know what he said? He said, in an impatient and self-righteous tone, "Sasuke-kun, the tent is cold and damp and I am very tired. Please leave me alone. I will talk to you later."

What a dick. I mean, seriously. Would it kill him to think about other people for once?

Oh well. I'd better head off to the breakfast van before the queue gets too long. And I am not letting anyone into the line later on! Not even if they beg. Serves them right. Bunch of lazy shits.

LATER:

Jiraiya pushed in. What a wanker. I was only five from the front, too! It really bothers me when people do that. I mean, I was the one who joined the back of the line and waited for _half an hour_ in the queue, and he just saunters up, cuts in and expects me to be okay about it? I don't think so.

I expressed my displeasure at Jiraiya's distinctly inconsiderate behaviour and suggested he wait his turn like everyone else. He then, with characteristic rudeness, laughed in my face and told me to get bent. He said that he needed some tea for Kiku because she had been sick. I said it served her right for drinking so much of that blue WKD crap the night before and that it was no excuse for cutting in line since _I_ was the one who had done all the waiting. Jiraiya then told me to, and I quote, "lighten the fuck up" and butt-checked me out of the way.

Resigned in the face of Jiraiya's unrepentant shamelessness, I decided to capitalise upon the unlooked-for opportunity to expound upon the horror I had witnessed via the evil faecal portaloo door of doom. Even Jiraiya wrinkled his nose when I described it.

"Fuck me," he said. "That's pretty heavy."

I said, "Yes, yes it was."

He then told me that the campsite toilets are always disgusting the morning after the first night. This, apparently, is because people tend to overdo it – and the poor portaloos have to bear the brunt of their overindulgence. I said that that made sense, and Jiraiya nodded in a sage-like manner.

Then he said, "If you could've waited til the arena opened, you'd have been good to go. The shit stacks are always clean in there first thing. Smelling of lemons and everything. Me and Kakashi are sucking it up right now and waiting til those gates open. So's Oro, probably, though there's no point asking him cos there's no way in hell he's gonna tell. You know what he's like with stuff like that. But yeah, you're too late now, Uchiha, but remember it for tomorrow."

Through gritted teeth I said I would bear that in mind. Why he could not have told me this before is beyond me. Does everyone know except me? Is that why no one else is up?

At any rate, I'm back at the tent now, with some tea and two onigiri for myself: an umeboshi and a salmon. Because I am a nice person, I got the boss some tea and a tamagoyaki. He has accepted it gratefully and has finally woken up enough to be civil at least. I told him about the portaloo and he was suitably sympathetic, though he refused to give me a cuddle until I had washed my hands. Kabuto popped his sleepy head in the tent earlier and handed us one of those laminated, round-the-neck official Tea in the Park schedules with all the bands on it and the boss and I are planning which ones we want to see. The only bands I desperately want to see are Muse, the Offspring, Daft Punk and Rage Against the Machine. The latter two are headlining tomorrow night, the other two are tonight's acts.

We almost had a minor argument over the Offspring, but we have reached a compromise. I will spend part of the day (read: as much as I can stand) in the Freak Show tent with the boss, and I when I can take no more of the weird bands he likes, I'll find Naruto, Kiba and Shikamaru and whoever else is about at the Oto Alternative stage. I may even wander over to the Slam tent if I feel so inclined, or pull a few shapes at the Silent Disco. I shall go where the wind takes me.

Since I won't be back until about eleven, I'd better sign off now. The boss hired me a locker, and I'm keeping my laptop in there until the bands are finished. I am no fool. I do remember what the Skanky Ex From Hell said about tent-robbing, and I'm thinking that if I were a tent robber, now – when everyone else is away watching bands – would definitely be the best time to do it. So I'm signing off, and I shall report back later! Hopefully, I shall have some interesting tales to tell.

LATER (like, 11:00pm later):

OH HO! OH HO HO HO HO!

You may very well wonder why I am chortling in an I-know-something-you-don't-know manner. It is because I have a VERY interesting tale to tell. A very interesting tale, indeed. Just wait til you hear it. Underpants will be rendered moist, I guarantee. Even I did not see it coming, and my powers of observation are legendary!

But here it is. In caps lock and ribbed for your pleasure:

NARUTO IS GOING OUT WITH HINATA!!

Yes! I know. What the fuck? I asked myself that very same question, but it is true as two plus two equals four. Actually, that might be a bad example, because the boss has just informed me (having peered over my shoulder while I am typing – _again_) that two plus two does not actually equal four but it's more like three point nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine and so on and so forth until the end of infinity. Whatever, Orochimaru-sama. It's four. And the Naruto and Hinata situation is true – like four is four and not three point nine is true – so there! Oh, wait one second. The boss wants to say something. He's grabbing the laptop. He won't let this one go.

_Orochimaru: The recurring decimal 0.(9) denotes a real number equal to one. So 1.(9) + 1.(9) equals 3.(9), which is also 4._

Okay, now… what? I don't understand that. Doesn't 1.9 + 1.9 equal 3.8?

_Orochimaru: Yes, Sasuke-kun. But 1.(9) + 1.(9) equals 3.(9), not 3.8._

Ahhh… right, I think I get it. The .(9) means something different than just normal .9. Wait… oh for fuck's sake…

Now Kabuto wants to say something in reply. This is getting ridiculous…

_Kabuto here. Orochimaru-sama has not taken into account the nature of infinitesimals. 0.99999999 could, in fact, represent a finite string of decimals which would, by a small amount, be less than 1 – and even if there is an infinite string of nines, there will still be a nine at the end, so it can never truly equal 1. _

_Orochimaru: Oh Kabuto-kun, you disappoint me. I thought you more open-minded. Clearly, you view 0.(9) as a process. It is not a process, it is an infinite, growing, object conception. Not a static, object conception like 1, but dynamic and just as fantastically real. Phantasmagoria aside, though, 0.(9) most definitely equals one. I could easily prove it to you._

_Kabuto: Then step outside and bring your pen, Orochimaru-sama, and I shall step all over your proof._

_Orochimaru: With pleasure. As ever, I look forward to enlightening you._

…

Wow.

I think that was, quite possibly, the geekiest conversation I have ever been privy to. Quite tense too towards the end. I mean, I know the boss is into his science in a big way, but I must say he doesn't tend to bring it home with him, on vacation, or even into meetings in the office. In fact, for as long as I've been seeing him, I have never heard him talk about anything like that in front of me. Of course, I know what goes on down in the labs, because I have to go to the meetings and listen to Kabuto telling everyone what he's been doing, then Karin explaining how she's planning on selling it, and then to Suigetsu telling us how he envisions the subsequent cover-up. Since I am now the General Manager of the north base, I have to know this stuff. I do not, however, need to understand it. I'm guessing that's the boss's line of thinking: "Do not bamboozle Sasuke-kun with science. He is a naturally charming and physically appealing young business graduate – let us play to his strengths." And that is fine by me. I do not "do" science.

As I type, Kabuto and the boss are crawling across the ground sheet past Jiraiya and Kakashi, pens at the ready, with a Strongbow label, torn off in haste, to use as paper. I am not sure why they feel the need to go outside to do it. There is ample room inside the tent. I suppose, though, they are being kind in a way by not inflicting their geekery on the rest of us normal folks who are innocently trying to gossip about Naruto and Hinata. And they probably didn't need to tear the label off Kabuto's cider – if the boss had asked one of the Followers, they would've run off and fetched him some proper paper.

Oh! In the midst of all the Naruto/Hinata excitement, I forgot about the boss's Followers! I'll have to tell you about them too. It's an odd story, but hilarious. In fact, I'd best just give you a rundown of what happened in the main arena. That should cover all bases. I can take as long as I like, since there's nothing planned, short of drinking and wandering around the campsite all night.

So here goes.

THE MAIN ARENA: DAY ONE

Today was fun. It really was. Band-wise, it panned out pretty much as I had expected it to. I spent most of the early part of the day in the Freak Show tent with the boss and Jiraiya. Kabuto, Kimimaro (I spit on his name) and Naruto floated in and out. I paid a brief visit to the Oto Alternative stage and the Slam Tent before we all pushed in near the front at the Main Stage to see Daft Punk.

As I said, the first part of the day was taken up by the weird and wonderful acts on show at the Freak Show tent. The Freak Show tent showcases bands or artists that would not normally be given time of day because they are too obscure, avant-garde, traditional or just plain wacky. The boss, I must say, was in his element. When it comes to music, he has a terrifyingly eclectic taste. He will listen to almost anything. His album collection is truly a sight to behold. I shall list the early bands I watched at the Freak Show tent and provide a short review of each.

The Freak Show stage:

Merin-Kour and Kongar-ol Ondar. These guys were pretty good. Normally solo artists, the organisers of Tea in the Park managed to convince them to team up to do a set on the Freak Show stage. They are overtone singers – very traditional, I grant you – but wonderful. There was a spiritual element to their singing that brought a tear to my eye. Though there is not much between them, I think Merin-Kour was my favourite. He was playing an instrument with two strings that looked kind of like a cello and it just made everything perfect. The boss really likes these guys, and I can see why.

Do theatre. Now, these guys were technically not a band. They are an experimental physical theatre company. Basically, what that means is some people in sinister costumes dance and tell a story with musical accompaniment (which was good, as it happens – I would describe the music as beautiful, whimsical and dark). They also have a bit of a sense of humour, and I laughed when they were throwing oranges at each other. Kimimaro (I spit on his name) left after Do theatre finished to go watch Roots Manuva with Kakashi, Kabuto, Asuma and Kurenai at the Main Stage.

Nuyorican Soul. Funky, jazzy, Latin beats with a bit of soul thrown in. It was sexy and awesome. Just what I like. Jiraiya and I enjoyed this act immensely. Nuyorican Soul is really just the two guys from Masters At Work, but it's an awesome project. They should do a bit more of that kind of stuff.

Stimmhorn. Definitely the weirdest of the lot – by a long chalk. The band consists of two guys, one yodelling and playing the accordion, the other on the alphorn. Jiraiya and I tried our hardest not to laugh when they closed with arguably their biggest hit "Triohatala" but a few sniggers slipped out. The boss gave us dirty looks. He also really likes these guys and it is his preference for artists like this that make me fear for his sanity. I mean, they were good, don't get me wrong. Very talented and all that crap – but I just didn't get it. Naruto also chose that moment to come and find us and danced in a retarded manner to all of their songs. He now really likes Stimmhorn, apparently.

It was then I decided to take a little break from the Freak Show stage and I followed Naruto outside to get some food. After navigating our way through the huge crowds, we met up with Sakura and Kiku (who had since made a miraculous recovery) by the big red van that was selling ice cream and then headed over to the Oto Alternative stage.

The Oto Alternative stage and the Naruto/Hinata Tale:

This is when all the excitement began to happen.

You know, I must say I am so goddamned happy to have an interesting tale to tell that does not involve myself and drama coinciding for once. It is a pleasant change being able to gossip about other people because I am usually the one being run through the rumour mill.

Anyway, we arrived at the Oto Alternative stage just in time for the Aquabats. The stage itself derives its name from its sponsor, from Naruto's favourite radio station, Oto Alternative FM, which specialises in playing only music that falls under the rather nebulous term "alternative". Kiba and the others had saved us a space near the front, since the Aquabats are his "FAVOURITE FUCKING BAND EVER, AND I'M NOT EVEN JOKING GUYS SO YOU BETTER NOT FUCKING TALK TO ME WHILE THEY'RE ON OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASSES!!"

And people ask me whether I miss working at Konoha-Suna…

At any rate, the Aqubats set was uneventful, apart from Naruto and Kiba whipping out green foam helmets and "bat commander masks" which they bought from Ebay and sported throughout the set. I enquired as to why they were wearing them, and Naruto explained that their dress was a tribute to the "Bat Commander". I nodded and slowly backed away.

In all honesty, I ended up rather enjoying the Aquabats. It was silly, fun, catchy third-wave ska revival and I danced like a maniac. It was during the next act, Less Than Jake, however, in which the magic happened.

Now, I love Less Than Jake. I think they're an awesome band. I have all their albums and have been to see them live several times with Naruto, Sakura and various other friends and acquaintances. They never disappoint. The band, however, have a tradition. One that is perhaps perilous to the uninitiated: at every gig, they ask the audience to form a circle pit that never fails to end up bigger and bigger until (unless you get the hell out) it ends up swallowing the whole place in a whirling maelstrom of random violence and flailing limbs.

Naruto is always at the centre of this circle pit. This is because he likes to mosh. It is one of his all-time-favourite hobbies (one which I cannot comprehend, I mean why would you voluntarily wish to have the shit kicked out of you by a rampaging bunch of strangers?) I had deliberately knackered myself from dancing by the time the band announced the formation of the circle pit because I knew what was coming, so I shrugged off Naruto's whining attempts to drag me into the centre and shoved my sweaty way further to the back so as not to get caught up in the rush. Sakura, Kiku, Shikamaru and Shino joined me because they, unlike Kiba and Naruto, are not mental.

Hinata, however… Well, I suppose I could explain away her frankly idiotic behaviour by saying that love makes one do incredibly stupid things.

As we made to cut a path through the crowds to safety, Kiku grabbed Hinata's arm and shouted, her voice hoarse from cheering, "C'mon, Hinata! I'm, like, totally getting outta here! I mean I love pits and shit but I can't go in them. There was one time I did and I, like, got totally crushed cos I'm a little smurf – so us girls gotta stick together, ya?"

Hinata hesitated, looking back towards the circle pit, space for which was rapidly being cleared.

"N-Naruto-kun…" she said anxiously, searching the crowd for his familiar blonde head. "Will he be okay?"

It was like something out of a cheesy romantic flick, I swear.

The crowd parted, and for the briefest of moments, Naruto appeared like a ray of sunshine from the heavens, his cow-print combats shining like a lurid, tacky beacon in the distance. Slowly, he turned around. Then he caught sight of us standing there and his face lit up with a huge grin.

"HEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!" he yelled happily. "I'M GOIN IN, YEAAAAAH!!"

Waving like a madman, he was engulfed by the crowd once more and he disappeared from view. Hinata made a sad little worried sound in the back of her throat, and she kept looking from us to the space Naruto had recently vacated and back again. She had already made her decision, but was clearly working up the nerve to go ahead with it.

"Heeny-weeny?" Kiku said, tilting her head to one side. "You comin'?"

"Ah-ah-ah-ah…" Hinata stuttered, turning red, "… a-actually, I think… I think I might go watch Naruto-kun."

Her decision made and her confession aired, Hinata's resolve seemed to strengthen her. She stood up straight and her eyes shone, though her cheeks were still burning bright red.

"Yes, I'm going to watch Naruto!" she said, smiling. "I-I'll catch up with you guys later!"

Then she turned and ran after Naruto — right into the middle of the circle pit.

It was too late to warn her, for the next instant there was a grating clash of guitar strings and a braying blast of trombones. It was the first few notes of Gainsville Rock City. The crowd went wild — and the circle pit exploded. People rushed forward, cramming into the clearing, dragging spectators on the fringes of the circle into the fray.

It was Sakura who noticed Hinata being pushed into the pit. The colour drained from her face and her mouth opened in horror.

"Hinata!" she shouted, struggling to be heard over the deafening wall of sound, pointing frantically into the pit.

"Fuck," Shikamaru said morosely. "She'll never get out of there alive. We'll need to go in there—"

As soon as the words left his mouth, Hinata stumbled. If I'm being perfectly honest… I was quite terrified. No one knew what to do. It was like being on a ship and being forced to watch someone who had fallen overboard drowning in a whirlpool in a stormy sea. It really did look like that, because everyone in the pit was running at a sprint, round and round and round, and Hinata, somehow, got dragged under. One minute she was afloat, struggling admirably, the next she was gone.

Sakura was off like a shot, shoving her way through the crowd, who were jumping about wildly, but she'd only gone a couple of rows before she encountered resistance from a group of girls who wouldn't let her through.

I heard her screaming, "My friend's just fallen in the fucking pit! I need to get her! Get out of my way—!" and I was painfully conscious that every second that passed saw Hinata's chances of "getting out alive", as Shikamaru so eloquently put it, grow slimmer. As far as I knew, no one had ever died at Tea in the Park, but I began to think that Hinata might end up a statistic. Or a PR nightmare.

But fortune was on her side. For although Sakura might as well have been miles away and was unable to help, there was one person near at hand…

As Sakura was screaming herself hoarse at the girly bitches, a familiar figure emerged from the churning depths of the crowd, valiantly sweeping aside moshers, with Hinata slung over his back, fireman style. It was Naruto, and he was smouldering with determination. Since I have never before seen him smoulder with any sort of emotion, it was quite the revelation.

"Sasuke!" he yelled urgently, struggling over with Hinata, who to my horror looked distinctly worse for wear. "Help me! She's fainted!"

My chivalrous side rising to the fore, I leapt forward and helped shoulder Naruto's burden, throwing one of Hinata's arms round my neck. Shino, Kiku and Sakura cleared the way while Shikamaru dived into the crowd to find Kiba. I admire his courage. I certainly wouldn't have done it.

We hit the outskirts of the crowd just as the song finished. There was a huge roar from the crowd, but I really didn't feel like joining in. Hinata's eyes were rolling in her head and I noticed, my stomach lurching with panic, that she was covered in muddy boot prints.

I turned to Kiku.

"Kiku, text Neji will you and tell him Hinata's hurt. Tell him we're taking her to the First Aid tent near the Main Stage."

"Sure, Sasuke," she said, whipping out her little pink phone. Kiku can be quite responsible when she puts her mind to it.

Ten minutes later, we arrived at the First Aid tent, and Naruto immediately launched forth in a panicked explanation.

"Hinata fell in the circle pit!" he yelled, his eyes wide. "I saw a guy trample all over her. She's—"

The medics did not need any further explanation. Gently, they took her off our hands. Since they only allowed two people to stay with Hinata, Shino volunteered, as he's one of Hinata's oldest friends. Naruto, her knight in shining armour, also volunteered – an act of great personal sacrifice because Lost Prophets were about to come on at the Oto Alternative stage, and he _loves_ the Lost Prophets. I should've known then that something was going to happen between them.

Now I know it's not like me, but I was rather worried about the whole injured Hinata situation, and I said so to Sakura when we were walking back to the Freak Show tent. For one thing, I was worried about what Neji would do to us once he found out – because he would definitely blame it on us for letting her dive into the pit – but I didn't say that. She said she'd plague Naruto with texts until he confirmed Hinata was alright. With Sakura texting furiously at my side, we entered the Freak Show tent. After scouting around a bit, we found the boss, Jiraiya and Kabuto sitting near the front at the right side of the stage, though there was something a little off about the arrangement.

Surrounding them was a group of twenty people or so whom I did not know, all chatting amiably amongst themselves. Shrugging my shoulders, I walked towards their enclosing circle and made to dart nimbly between their ranks to reach the boss. Imagine my surprise when two guys held out their hands, barring access.

"What business do you have with the Messiah?" one guy with a beanie and a goatee said.

"Speak quickly!" demanded another, with coke-bottle framed glasses and a Sigur Ros band tee.

"What the hell—?" I began, taking a step backward, slightly freaked out, when the boss interrupted and saved my sanity.

"It's alright," he said, waving a hand idly in their general direction. "That is my Sasuke-kun and his friend Sakura. You may let them pass."

Immediately, the beanie guy and the emo-specs guy lowered their arm barrier. Sakura and I looked askance at one other, weirded out beyond belief, before we picked our way past what were apparently the boss's bodyguards and sat down in the small inner circle. I stared accusingly at the boss, but he carried on as though nothing at all out of the ordinary had occurred, as if he were surrounded by a bunch of twenty-something, slightly weedy-looking university student retainers upon a daily basis. Since he clearly wasn't going offer an explain of his own accord, I decided that I would take matters into my own hands and force one out of him.

"Who the hell are those guys?" I demanded.

The boss's mouth quirked with amusement and he replied, quite casually, "Why, they are my Followers, Sasuke-kun."

I then said something along the lines of, "I don't mean to be rude, Orochimaru-sama, but have you relapsed?" (which elicited a guffaw of laughter from Jiraiya.)

The boss rolled his eyes and proceeded to explain how he acquired his Followers. By the end of it, I was chortling with laughter and all misgivings had vanished.

When Naruto and I left to get food before the Aquabats, the boss and Jiraiya had decided they were a pit peckish as well. They wandered around the arena for a while and eventually found a paella stall (I think I shall visit it later myself, I quite fancy some.) Having purchased their paella, they sat down on the grass a little way off in order to chow down without being jostled by the crowds. In the middle of an argument about Stimmhorn (the boss is still sore about us laughing at Triohatala), they were interrupted by the beanie goatee man who was standing at the head of a group of twenty or so other people of about my age.

Staring up at them with a degree of mild contempt, the boss said, with characteristic hauteur, "May I help you?"

The beanie guy grinned and uttered what would become legendary words in our Tea in the Park tradition.

He said, "Are you Brian?"

Now I feel I must take the opportunity to mention that the boss has never seen Monty Python's _Life of Brian_, and therefore did not realise where the joke came from. Thus he was unable to make a logical leap and see where the motley crew of indie-kid students might have been going with it. The boss was only aware of the fact that his is a very well-known face on the continent, that it was highly likely the group of people standing before him knew fine well who he was, and that he was not going to bandy words with a bunch of possibly drunken bums.

Hence his reply, dripping sarcasm from every syllable.

"Of course. I am Brian. How nice to meet you."

Jiraiya said the boss's face was a picture when each one of them fell instantly to their knees on the grass and said, "The Messiah! We pledge our allegiance to you!"

Ever since then, they have been following the boss at a discreet distance, guarding him and complying with his every request, no matter how inane. It is hilarious. I decided to test the dedication of the Followers then and there by asking the boss if they could go get me some paella from the stall. Immediately, the boss turned round to the nearest, a girl with dyed green hair, and extracting his wallet from his back pocket said, "You. Go get my Sasuke-kun some paella."

He handed her a wad of notes and she stood up, bowed, and said with a huge grin, "I live to serve, Messiah."

The green-haired girl Follower promptly left, only to return a few minutes later in order to clarify exactly which sort of paella I wanted, since the stall made different kinds. I had the choice of chicken, seafood or vegetarian paella. I chose seafood. But before the girl had the chance to turn around, in a fit of random courtesy, I asked Sakura if she wanted any. She said that yes, she would like some chicken paella, and I told the boss to ask the girl to get Sakura some too. I guess the boss thought he might as well ask everyone's order while he was at it, and Jiraiya requested a beer. The boss ordered some tea for himself and handed over a larger wad of cash, saying that the Followers should buy some beer for themselves. This elicited a great cheer from the Followers, and they all left for the beer tent crying out "Long live the Messiah!"

By that time, I was on the floor laughing. I could hardly speak I was giggling so much. Who could blame me, though? The whole thing was so far beyond weird that it had punched out through the other side into normality. It wasn't long before Sakura joined me and crowd around us started to stare. To prevent me further make a spectacle of myself, the boss shuffled over and dragged me off the floor and into a cuddle.

"Do not abuse them too much, Sasuke-kun," he whispered into my ear. "And don't say you wont, because I know you will."

"What?" I said, suddenly scandalised. "What do you mean you _know_ I'll abuse them? You have offended me. You have offended me deeply, Orochimaru-sama."

I was only half-joking, though. The boss obviously knows me too well, as I have already asked him to send the Followers for two beers – and I have plans to make them dance for me later on. One of them let slip that he has brought an acoustic guitar, so he shall play and the rest shall dance for my amusement. I will see it done, you may be sure of that. And I will laugh heartily at their tomfoolery.

Anyway, thoughts of exploitation aside, after being introduced to the Followers, we were all fairly content, and we watched Seasick Steve and were tickled pink by his three-string guitar, stomp box and hobo-beard ensemble look. I told the boss and Jiraiya about what happened to Hinata, but they were pretty unsympathetic. Jiraiya said it was her own fault for going in there in the first place and the boss agreed. I didn't expect much from them, but to be honest, it would've been nice if they'd shown even the merest glimmer of an iota of interest in her well-being. Alas, they are both, in their own ways, selfish pricks – and there is nothing much anyone can do about it.

A few more acts followed, and I noticed the tent beginning to fill up. Kakashi, Kabuto, Iruka and Kimimaro (I spit on his name) floated in, then Kiku and Asuma and Kurenai turned up a bit later. I enquired as to why this might be and the boss offered the suggestion that it was probably to ensure they got a good space for the Tiger Lillies, who were the last act on the Freak Show bill before the Main Stage headliners. The boss was smiling as he said this, which lead me to believe that he appreciated this particular band. I asked him whether he was looking forward to their set and he turned to me, his eyes glittering with enthusiasm, and said, "Sasuke-kun, you have not lived until you have seen them perform."

Okay, I thought. That seemed a pretty good review from the boss, so I decided to stick around and watch them instead of the Offspring (who I have seen twice anyway) and made a mental note to not laugh should they do anything weird.

Then I asked around and everyone else seemed to like them. Kiku, however, had never heard of them and was just there to "hang with Jiraiya for a bit." Through my questioning, I got the impression that they are one of those bands with lots of famous fans but are not at all famous themselves. Words like 'castrato', 'accordion', 'musical saw', 'blasphemy', 'rape', 'bestiality', 'schizophrenia' and 'matricide' were used by various members of our group in describing their style and repertoire. This pleased me and tickled my misanthropy bone, and I was rather excited when the lights dimmed and the first long, mournful note of an accordion echoed throughout the tent.

The Tiger Lillies were awesome. I am glad I went to see them, though I do regret missing the Offspring. They were twisted, hilarious, cruel and unusual. Exactly like the boss, in fact. I can see now why he likes them so much. He must identify upon some psychological level. I must say, I laughed a hell of a lot, though – especially at "Piss on your grave", which might now be my new favourite song. Not that I identify with it on any level, I hasten to add – psychological or otherwise. It hasn't kindled in me any ardent impulse to urinate upon some poor wretch's final resting place. I am not a weirdo. I just thought it was funny.

So after the Tiger Lillies finished and the Freak Show tent closed, we all made the trek over to the Main Stage to see Muse, the Followers clearing the way a bit and ensuring we arrived there in record time. In a moment of pure serendipity, I spotted Neji and Shino standing a few rows down. Cupping my hands, I yelled at them over the heads of other people until they heard and began winding their way through the crowd until they stood next to me.

"How's Hinata?" I asked gently, noting Neji's stormy expression.

"Hmph. She's fine," he said, folding his arms.

"Where is she?"

I was quite surprised by the venomous tone of Neji's reply.

"She's down _there_," he hissed, pointing over the heads of the crowd. "With _Naruto_."

"And that's a bad thing because—?" I hazarded, balking when Neji swivelled round and glared at me so ferociously that I seriously thought he was going to punch me.

Thankfully, Shino decided to enlighten me.

"I think they're going out," he said. "Neji caught them kissing earlier on."

"_What?_"

Evidently, Sakura had decided to join in our conversation. There was a note of barely suppressed panic in her voice that led me to believe that she was not entirely happy with Shino's breaking news exclusive.

"What do you mean they're going out?"

Shino shrugged. "Well, I don't know if it's official or anything, but Neji saw them kissing and they've been hanging out together ever since. They were at SOAD with the rest of us and they looked pretty cosy."

"Will you shut up about them," Neji said, grimacing. "I don't want to think about it."

"Neji, you're going to have to chill out about this thing," Shino said very sensibly, as is his way. "She's old enough to look after herself, and she's liked Naruto for ages. I think it's great that she finally plucked up the courage to tell him."

Neji made an ominous growling sound at the back of his throat that was halfway between a snarl and the sound of an irritated cat, thereby signalling that his role in the conversation was at and end. Shino shrugged and decided to give up convincing Neji as a lost cause, preferring instead to watch the roadies set up on stage.

Dumbfounded, I turned to Sakura and said, "Wow… where did _that_ come from?"

Sakura, however, remained silent. She instead elected to stare at the mud-splattered toe-caps of her boots, a slight frown casting a dark cloud over her normally cheerful features. I decided not to press the matter – though, I wouldn't have been able to even if I had wanted, for the boss elbowed his way along the line, leaned over Neji and yanked me towards him just as Daft Punk were about to come on.

It was a strange affair. I, for one, really enjoyed it. I love Daft Punk, as does the boss, and we were dancing and kissing a lot and generally being happy. We were standing quite close to the stage, so my ears are still ringing. I hope it goes away soon, because I would very much appreciate being able to get some sleep tonight.

As I said, I enjoyed it, and so did most of the others, but I kept catching glimpses of Neji and Sakura, and they did not look happy. If it were not for them, the moment would have been perfect. Their sullenness brought the mood down (and, as usual, only I noticed because I am sensitive to these things.) It was not enough to spoil matters, though, and I did my best to block their sulking faces from my mind by indulging in some frenching with the boss.

At length, the set came to an end (which made me a shade morose, since I could have gone on dancing for another hour at least) and we went with the crowd flow of oceanic scale, embarking upon the long trek back to the campsite. Naruto and Hinata were a few paces in front, Hinata sporting an attractive purple sling for her sprained wrist. Their arms were linked and Hinata was giggling at something Naruto had just said to her. Sakura had fallen into step beside me and been glaring at the backs of their heads for a long moment. Then she turned to me, seeming to want to talk. It wasn't long before her feelings concerning the Naruto Hinata situation were rendered unambiguous.

"Where the hell did that come from, Sasuke?" she demanded of me, gesturing roughly towards them. "I mean seriously. He's been going on and on and on at me to go out with him for the last— well, god knows how long. And then he goes and does that? What the hell is that all about?"

It took a considerable amount of willpower to not say, "My, my! Jealous, are we, Sakura? Regretting not giving him a shred of hope, Sakura? Ruing all the knockbacks? Wishing you'd given him a chance, because you know fine well he's mad about you and has been since we were kids? Realising, oh now that you've had so many years to think about it, he might not be such a bad boyfriend after all?"

I did not say any of that, though I sorely wished to. Instead I shrugged and said, "Well I guess it's just one of those things, Sakura. Knight in shining armour, damsel in distress, one thing leads to another, you know?"

Sakura snorted derisively.

"She's not right for him," she said.

The subtext was abundantly clear: "She is not right for him. I am."

I wanted to stop right then and there in the middle of the path and shake her, but I didn't want to fall out with her because now that Naruto had Hinata, I would not have had either best friend option should I have wished to chat. So I kept my mouth shut and settled for musing upon the hypocrisy of it all in my own head. Later, when we got back to camp, Jiraiya and Kakashi crashed our tent and I was able to express my feelings on the situation through the medium of gossip. They are of similar mind, though, like me, have no idea on how we are going to deal with it.

I suppose the best way at the moment would be to get drunk and simply not deal with it at all, so that's what I'm going to do. There is some Jack Daniels waiting outside for me, and I would like nothing more than to go say hi. Which I will now do. Thankfully, Kimimaro has already retreated to his tent, fatigue and a cold as an excuse, so I won't be forced to stare at his ugly face all night. Things, perhaps, are looking up.

Will write later!

LATER (11:49pm)

Okay…

Jiraiya has just emerged from his tent wearing nothing but a tiger print thong, cape and Wellington boots. He has in one hand a long plastic stick with a skull on top and in the other, Naruto's ghetto blaster. Saying not a word to the rest of us, he headed straight over to the boss and asked if he could borrow his Followers to start a conga line. The boss ordered fifteen of the Followers to accompany him (he would not relinquish all his Followers, citing his need for occasional refreshment as a reason). The older members of the camp appeared quite excited at this turn of events and got up, drinks in hand, and joined on to the end of the line. Naruto, too, managed to convince Hinata to get involved, and they lined up, Naruto standing behind her, his hands on her hips, jigging excitedly. I am still not sure whether their relationship will work out long-term. Naruto is _so_ retardedly outgoing and Hinata is _so_ incredibly introverted that I'm wondering whether they have anything much in common. Time will tell on that one, I suppose.

Just as the conga-liners were about ready to leave, Jiraiya looked over his shoulder and roared, "Hey, Kiku! You coming?"

Kiku then emerged from their tent all smiles – having changed into a new hoodie and a fresh pair of purple, denim hotpants – and squeezed in behind Jiraiya.

"Let's go, babe," she said, placing her hands round his waist. "You can put on the music now."

As the line began to move off, Jiraiya switched on the ghetto blaster and I recognised the first few bars of "Jungle Boogie" by Kool and the Gang. For a while, I just sat there on my fold-away chair, stunned by the utter randomness of it all. Then, from across the path, I heard Naked Thong Man shout, "YEAH! JUNGLE BOOGIE MAN'S BACK!"

I am guessing Jiraiya is a living embodiment of one of those festival traditions.

As I type, the conga line is filing past our tents. There are a lot more people now than there were when it first pulled out onto the path, and they are all singing "Jungle boogie!" at the tops of their lungs. The line is getting dangerously long. If I lean back in my chair, crane my neck and peer down the path, I can see Jiraiya at the head of the line, waving his skull stick in the air, the ghetto blaster hoisted upon his shoulders.

Jeez, I hope they don't do anything stupid. The boss was talking about having his Followers fight Jiraiya's Followers, and I told him not to even joke about that, because if they both got drunk, it would be something they would be highly likely to do. Besides, I am rather attached to the boss's Followers, and wouldn't want any of them to be mobbed by a hundred or so random conga-afficionados. If they did, then there would be no one to go fetch me beer and food.

LATER (let's say 12:30am):

OH. MY. GOD.

If I said the boss was funny last night, it is nothing, NOTHING, compared to the outrageous stunt he has just pulled. I have had to retreat into the tent because I laughed so hard I pulled a muscle. Thankfully, I am a bit drunk, so it doesn't hurt as much as it should, but the boss said I can ask Kabuto to give me something when he gets back, so I should be okay.

But the tale! I must tell you, for most likely you are not interested in my health.

While Jiraiya and the others were conga-ing it up around the campsite, those who were left (myself, the boss, Neji, Sakura, Lee, Shikamaru, Shino and the other five Followers) decided to get absolutely wasted. Well, I say "everyone". Lee, who is, as you know, co-founder of Gai's Straight Edge Club, did not wish to partake of any alcohol. The boss was a bit annoyed at this, since he had uncorked a rather fine bottle of sake he had brought specially – and what, he had said waspishly to poor Lee, was the point of sake if not to induce at least mild intoxication?

Lee resisted admirably at first, saying that no, he couldn't possibly, but the boss went on and on and on at him, moaning and giving him the guilt trip for not taking any of his sake and asking why he didn't drink because he was at a festival and it was fun and he only needed to have a little and that it was rude to refuse and that he wanted to repay Lee for helping me out at my trial and for inviting us to his birthday party and all sorts of other things.

You can probably tell that the boss was already a little tipsy. He gets a bit boisterous when he's at the happy drunk stage and will not take no for an answer. Poor Lee eventually caved, and he had a cup of sake. Everyone cheered, and the boss, flushed with wine and success, poured him another cup. And then another. And another. It wasn't long before Lee was properly drunk – for the first time in his life, I expect – and it soon became all too clear that Lee was a "talkative drunk", the kind of drunk that tells relative strangers very personal things.

Swaying slightly on his fold-away chair, he began to confess (after having been probed by the boss) that sometimes he wished he wasn't a member of the Straight Edge club. Not because he wanted to get drunk or try crack or anything, but because he has never had a proper girlfriend before.

"What do you mean 'never had a proper girlfriend'?" the boss asked, pouring himself another cup of sake.

Lee, normally quiet, polite and shy of talking about the intimate workings of human relationships replied loudly, and quite without shame, "I mean I have never had sex, Orochimaru-sama. And sometimes I think I would like to."

The boss's jaw dropped. Neji and Shino started laughing and Sakura looked scandalised.

"You mean to say," the boss went on, leaning closer to Lee and raising an eyebrow, "that you have never engaged in fornication with someone of the opposite sex?"

"I have not, Orochimaru-sama."

"Why ever not?"

"Because I have chosen to abide by the rules of the Straight-Edge organisation."

"Well Gai's had sex. I know that for a fact."

"What?"

"Yes. Didn't you know?"

"I did not, Orochimaru-sama. When was this?"

"He was quite wild in his younger days. He used to compete with young Kakashi all the time. I suspect he regrets his misspent youth and has chosen to spoil everyone else's fun by setting up that charity."

"Speaking of, thank you very much for that donation, Orochimaru-sama. It was much appreciated."

"Not at all, dear Lee, not at all. In fact, I should like to do you another service. A more personal one. I do pity the fact you have not been permitted to indulge in a little sexual activity, Lee, for you are such a nice boy. As of this moment, I shall make it my solemn duty to procure for you a willing partner to share with you the joys of mindless fucking."

"Thank you very much, Orochimaru-sama. I look forward to it."

"In fact," the boss went on, relentless and with a wild glint in his eye I knew meant trouble, "I shall begin my enquiries immediately."

He whirled round in his fold-away chair, nearly toppled over (and had a quick chortle to himself) and pointed at Sakura.

"Sakura-kun," he said, holding out his arms. "You are a fine young woman—"

"No, Orochimaru-sama," Sakura replied archly, obviously still not in the mood to join in any sort of fun, even having been plied with alcohol. "I am not sleeping with Lee. No offence, Lee."

"None taken," Lee said.

"Then what about you?" the boss said, snapping his fingers imperiously at the green-haired female Follower who had fetched me paella earlier on in the day. The green-haired Follower grinned and turned around to direct her full attention to the boss.

"Now, I will not command you to sleep with young Lee," he said, "but I shall put the possibility to you. He is a fine fellow, a real gentleman. A bastion of restraint in a world of hedonism. A young man with an excellent and thoroughly reliable moral compass with which he navigates himself through our godless times. To be perfectly honest with you, my dear… I would. We all would. But only you, only you have that chance right now. If you do not take it, and this is but my humble opinion, I feel that you would regret it for the rest of your life."

At his most sober, the boss can be quite persuasive, but he always seems to turn it up a notch when he makes his drunken speeches. He flashed a winning, slightly mischievous smile at the girl and she began to size Lee up, looking him up and down. Lee stood up and did a little catwalk twirl. Everyone laughed. I don't think even the boss predicted she'd actually go for it. Even he was shocked when she shrugged her shoulders and said, "Yeah okay. You got a rubber?"

Silence descended. It was one of those "Oh my god, are they actually going to—?" silences when you don't know whether to burst out laughing or sit there with your mouth hanging open. The boss said, his face frozen in a moment of shock and amusement, that he did have a rubber. He ducked into the tent to fetch one of the nice cherry ones I like and tossed it to her.

"Well?" he said, his head cocked to one side. "You might as well get on with it."

The green-haired girl nodded and suggested to Lee that they go back to her tent in Blue for a little more privacy. To my horror, Lee agreed enthusiastically, and let himself be dragged away down the path. Before he disappeared out of sight, he turned round and gave us a thumbs up. The boss burst out laughing, and it was laughter of the cackling mad variety. I joined him and then everyone else was falling about on the ground – even Sakura and Neji.

"Oh my god," Neji said when we had finally calmed down a bit, his head in his hands. "That is the sickest thing I've ever seen. Orochimaru-sama, what the hell have you done to Lee?"

"Me?" the boss said, affronted. "I have done nothing."

"Yes you did!" I interrupted. "You were the one who forced him to drink. He's probably going to get thrown out of the club when Gai finds out."

"But he will not find out, Sasuke-kun. For no one here will tell him, is that right?"

Everyone nodded solemnly and the boss made us all promise not to tell Gai. We made our promises and the laughter abated gradually until there were only a few giggles and snorts. Then Kimimaro (I spit on his name) unzipped his tent and, coughing and spluttering, asked us what was going on because we woke up with all our hilarity. The boss started to explain, which set us all off again and that was when I laughed so hard that I pulled a muscle.

It's starting to hurt a bit now, actually. Maybe I need to drink more. Yes, I think that is a good idea. I shall get right on to it.

Will write later!

LATER (1:17am):

Kabuto gave me something in a tiny plastic cup. I'm all numb now, but at least it doesn't hurt. He says it's not too serious, so it might be gone by morning if I'm lucky.

I am more drunk that I was the last time I wrote. It is quite hard to type, and I keep having to go back and check, though I am not as bad as I was at Nagato's house party. That was embarrassing.

Jiraiya and the others are here. They are outside drinking. They came back not long ago, sidling up to the tents, looking shifty. I asked them what happened and Kiku said the conga line got way out of hand and they ended up breaking into the main arena, which is NOT ALLOWED, and the police were called and some people got arrested. Kiba said Ino almost got taken away but he teamed up with Chouji to save her. There is a theme going here, I am thinking. Saving damsels in distress.

Speaking of, Naruto and Hinata have retreated inside Naruto's tent. Sakura is really pissed off because she was sharing with Naruto and now she can't go to bed. Not that she really wants to, of course, because I'm sure she'd secretly much rather stay up and bitch about Hinata with Kiku, Ino, TenTen and Kurenai. If Hinata and Naruto emerged this very moment, I can bet my life-savings on her not saying, "Oh thanks very much guys, I'll go to bed right this minute because I have been saying for the past ten minutes to anyone who'll listen about how tired I am!"

As for me, I am here in the tent because I had a minor disagreement with the boss. A disagreement is one step down from an argument, which means that it was not that serious but was serious enough that the boss has sought to make it up with me. He has been worried about his skanky ex, you see, for Kimimaro has not stopped coughing all night.

While we were sitting outside, being happy and merry and having a general good time, we could hear him hacking his lungs out in his tent. Iruka groaned and said, "Guess I'm not sleeping tonight again."

The boss asked him what he meant by that and Iruka said that Kimimaro had been coughing non-stop the night before. No one, he said, could get any sleep. Kakashi, apparently, had attempted to smother him with a pillow but Kabuto stopped him. The boss looked pensive at this news, and he kept looking over at Kimimaro's tent. I knew what he was thinking, and I started to get a bit angry.

"Look," I said. "He's fine, okay. He's just got the flu or something. Yeah, it's a shame he got it during the festival, but it happens."

The boss said that, nevertheless, he would like to speak to him to ask if there was anything wrong, and I sort of had a minor strop and said if he was going to do it, then I would just go into the tent and stay there all night. And I am here in the tent. I don't know if the boss went to talk to Kimimaro, but he has since apologised and has offered to take me out drunk fishing.

I am not sure what that is, but it sounds fun, so I shall be off!!

Oh… I feel I should mention. Lee's not back yet. I wonder how he's doing? I'm sure I will find out from Neji and Tenten.

Bye bye!

LATER (3:54am):

It's pouring from the heavens right now, and I am incredibly tired (the boss is already asleep and even the Followers have returned to their tents) so I'll try and make this quick.

Drunk fishing was fabulous. Basically, what you do is get a glow stick and tie it to a long bit of string. Then you leave the glow stick lying on the ground, grab the other end of the string and hide. When drunks stagger past, the shininess of the glow stick will attract them like flies to shit and, nine times out of ten, they will attempt to pick it up. This is your cue to pull the end of the string and watch them stumble after it, wondering why the pretty glowing worm thing is trying to run away. We did this and laughed heartily at many a paralytic festival-goer until little spots of rain began to fall. It wasn't long before we were running for cover.

It really is pouring. The rain is thundering off the canvas. I cannot tell you how glad I am that we have a good tent. Despite all the rain noise, I can hear Kimimaro inside his tent, coughing.

I wonder…

July 28th

DAY TEN

I should've known today would've been shit. I should've fucking known. The only two people who are living on cloud happy right now are Naruto and Hinata. Everyone else is cold, wet, hungry, pissed off, worried, deeply upset, terminally ill or, in one particular case, all of the above. As I type, I am sitting with Kabuto in the waiting room on the ground floor at Konohagakure General Hospital. The battered copy of _Cosmopolitan_ Itachi thumbed through when I was getting my plaster cast removed is still here. Normally, this would have amused me, but I don't really feel much like anything at the moment.

The reason I am here is Kimimaro. You know how I got mad with the boss last night and said there was nothing wrong with him? Well you know what? There is something wrong with him. He does not have the flu. He has far advanced pulmonary tuberculosis. The doctors don't think he'll die, but he is chronically ill and he is in for a prolonged sojourn in hospital…

Actually, no. I can't talk about this right now.

LATER:

Okay. I have had time to mull matters over and I think I have calmed down enough to write an entry. Here's hoping.

Kakashi and the others are here, too. They've been pulled in for a skin test because Kimimaro is incredibly infectious. They've had to phone Suigetsu too, since he spent a week with him at Christmas in Suna, where TB is prevalent in the grimier areas. I've had a skin test too (and I hate having injections) though it'll take two to three days for results. Kabuto said not to worry, because he'll take a look at our arms and will tell us if there's anything ominous. But apparently our tests might prove false-negatives if we have only recently become infected, as the bacteria take some time to settle themselves in.

Wow. Thanks, Kabuto. Way to make everyone feel better.

Today, though… god. It was the worst. I don't think I can face details, but I shall sum up my morning in a list format. Perhaps the swift, staccato, unrelenting nature of a list in bullet points will best portray the crescendo of SUCK that plagued my morning and culminated in our visit to the hospital for tuberculosis skin tests.

My Day of Utter Fucking Suck:

- Woke up this morning to find that the campsite had churned into a mire. Wonderful. I unzipped the tent, poked my head out and discovered that everything underfoot was slushy. People were trudging along the path wearing macs and wellies and were looking hungover and none too happy. This first sight my waking eyes beheld that morning set the tone for the rest of the day.

- I hopped back into my sleeping back only to be woken up an indeterminate time later by Neji and Hinata arguing. I say "arguing" it was more like Neji was shouting at her and she was stuttering back at him, trying to get a word in edgeways. Since it involved Naruto, I did not intervene, as Neji would only have accused me of taking his side, since I'm one of his best friends. I listened to them until Hinata sobbed and, I am assuming, ran off. She's here right now, sitting next to Naruto, signing a get well card she bought from the shop for Kimimaro. I have noted that she and Neji are still not speaking, so they must have fallen out.

- Next on the agenda of misery was the discovery that Ino, Chouji and Shikamaru's cheap-ass tent had collapsed in the early hours of the morning. They did their best to re-assemble it in the dark and in the pouring rain, but by the time they had used up all their duct tape, it was pretty much a puddle and they were soaked to the skin – as was all their stuff. Shivering and wet through, they ended up in with Asuma and Kurenai – and they only had a three-man tent. It would've been fine if it were only Ino and Shikamaru, but Chouji is a proper fat ass. It must've been a tight, damp and miserable squeeze.

- After hearing the tale of tent-related despair from Ino, I went to the breakfast van to get something to eat. On the way to the breakfast van, there is a slight downward slope you must navigate in order to reach it. I did not mark this when the weather was fair, but the torrential rain had magically transformed it into a slip slide. A bunch of people who had camped at the top of the little slope were sitting outside on their chairs, chanting "Forty-one! Forty-one! Forty-one!" over and over again. Just as I wondered why they were doing so, I hit the incline, slipped on a wet, muddy patch, fell on my arse and skidded all the way to the bottom. I was covered in mud all up my left side. The chanting morons hooted with laughter and started shouting, "Forty-two! Forty-two! Forty-two!" If the Followers were there, I would have set them upon them. Bunch of dicks.

- Breakfast acquired, I retreated into the tent to eat it because it had started to drizzle again. Imagine my surprise to find the boss sitting up, cocooned in his sleeping bag, with a worried-looking Jiraiya and an almost hysterically tearful Kiku. I gave the boss a "what the hell?" look. Jiraiya must've clocked it, because he said to me, in a strangely defiant manner, "Kiku's pregnant, Sasuke."

I couldn't really find any words to say in reply. Obviously, I couldn't say "Hey, congratulations!" because Kiku was clearly none too happy with the situation. Neither could I have said, "Dodgy condom? Sucks for you," since I think Jiraiya would have punched me. So I settled for a rather lame, "Oh. Right," and then I sat down on my camp bed and drank my tea. Kiku apparently had been sick again this morning and her period was late, so she went round to the little stall that sells condoms and morning-after pills and stuff like that and bought a pregnancy tester. She, and these are her words not mine, "peed on it in the portaloos and it turned blue."

She said she doesn't know if she wants to keep it, whether Jiraiya would want to keep it, or whether it would be okay to keep it considering they're staying at the boss's house. The boss said that shouldn't be a problem. Jiraiya has lots of money, so they could always buy a new house. Kiku's sobs intensified after that, and Jiraiya glared at the boss.

- I decided to get the hell out of the tent, so I put on my mac and wellies and headed out for a walk. While wandering randomly, I met Ino and Tenten and we got chatting. They told me that Lee had finally turned up. Finally, I thought to myself, some cheerful news! I asked how he was and very soon wished I hadn't. Apparently, he is lying in his tent in disgrace, having woken up in a strange tent with a strange girl. He cannot remember anything of the night before, but he caught sight of two opened condom packets lying next to his head and fled. Even though everyone has told him that what happens at the festival stays at the festival, he is inconsolable.

Looking for a lighter, safer track of conversation, I asked them if they'd seen Sakura. Again, I wished I hadn't. Ino's face darkened and she said, "Sakura's a total hypocrite. She's a bitch and I'm _so_ not talking to her anymore." Upon further questioning, she divulged that Sakura, as I indeed suspected, had been bitching constantly about the Naruto Hinata situation. When Ino could take it no more, she decided to tell Sakura exactly what she thought (which, to be honest, was what I thought, what everyone else thought, and is also known as The Truth). Sakura did not like this and, to cut a long story short, they have fallen out. Again. I am not too worried about them, because they always fall out and in, but… well… in all honesty, I'm rather glad someone said it.

- Nothing much else happened at the camp site except the late emergence of a pale and emaciated Kimimaro from his tent. Kabuto looked at him in a calculating manner and suggested that perhaps it would be best if he stayed in his tent and rested for a bit. Kimimaro refused, saying he would just lie there and cough and be bored and would see or do nothing useful or fun. Kakashi offered him some of his tamagoyaki, but Kimimaro said the thought of food made him feel ill. I have since learned that he has eaten nothing all weekend, and the only liquid he has consumed is alcohol.

- The arena, well, to be honest it started out pretty well. We saw quite a few bands before Kimimaro decided to collapse. I was in the Freak Show tent with the boss again and, in a similar arrangement to the day before, I had decided to float out and in. After Andrew Bird, Shikamaru and I decided that we wanted to see Suburban Legends, so we told the boss we were leaving. Just as we reached the outskirts of the fairly sparse Oto Alternative stage crowd, we saw Kimimaro. As soon as I saw him, I knew something wasn't right. Shikamaru was obviously working along the same lines because he cupped his hands round his mouth and shouted, "Hey, Kimi! You okay?"

Kimimaro looked up, tried to smile, and keeled over in the mud. A few people stooped to help him, but I grudgingly said I'd take care of it. Together, we made the trek to the First Aid tent, with Kimimaro slumping like a dead weight between us. Halfway there, however, he came round. Dazed for a few seconds, he murmured, "Where—?" before he noticed me. It was like an allergic reaction. His lip curled and he tried to shove me away but only succeeded in removing fifty percent of the support that kept him upright and his knees bucked underneath him.

"Get away from me," he said, struggling for breath. "I don't need your pity! Leave me! Just l—"

Then he started to cough again, a deep, painful hacking cough that had him doubled over. He coughed and coughed and coughed and I wondered whether it was ever going to stop. It did, and Kimimaro eventually summoned the strength to glare balefully up at me, his eyes red-rimmed and watery. It was then that he looked down at his hand. His expression slid from exhausted defiance to outright terror.

"B-Blood…" he whispered, staring at the palm of his hand as if his death sentence were written upon it. "Oh god… oh god… ohgodohgodohgod…"

Shikamaru bit his lip and ventured, "Kimi, you really need to get to the hospital. If there's blood, it's gotta be serious."

This remark seemed to send Kimimaro over the edge.

"I CAN'T!" he shrieked, a note of genuine hysteria creeping into his voice. "I CANNOT GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD IT!"

This set off another coughing fit and he broke down in tears in the mud.

I told Shikamaru to get him to the First Aid tent and that I would text Kabuto and the boss to tell them to come right away. And so the tale of my day of utter fucking suck comes full circle, and I find myself here in the waiting room with everyone else, wondering whether Kimimaro will pull through, wondering if he's infected everyone else, and just… wondering.

I don't know what to think. Somehow, everyone else's problems pale in comparison.

Perhaps I'd better email Itachi. Kimimaro stayed the night at Gaara's beach house at New Year, after all, and I wouldn't want him to come down with it.

God…

What the hell happened?

LATER:

The boss appeared briefly to give everyone an update before disappearing back upstairs. He is keeping Kimimaro company, as per Kimimaro's request. I do not like this arrangement one bit, but that is just another thing I suppose I'll have to tolerate for the moment.

Apparently Kimimaro needs immediate medical attention and is undergoing an aggressive treatment programme that he will need to sustain for another six months. He will be in quarantine for three weeks to ensure he does not infect anyone else (the 'else' part was ominous, and Kakashi and Iruka kept looking at each other in trepidation. I do not blame them. They have been sharing a tent with him for two nights while he coughed and spluttered all over them.) On the plus side, the disease, the boss said, can be cured even in such a chronic condition, but it is the cachetic aspect of his condition that was worrying him the most. Kiku asked what cachetic meant and the boss's lips thinned and he walked away.

Kabuto enlightened us. He said it was the wasting aspect of tuberculosis, outwardly – apart from the coughing blood perhaps – the most distressing symptom of the disease. The weight loss, loss of appetite, fatigue – basically, he said, it is a sign of the body beginning to give up. This made Kiku utter a little sobbing cry and she buried her head in Jiraiya's shoulder.

I said, "I thought the medics said he wasn't going to die?"

Kabuto nodded. "They're _probably_ right. TB isn't often fatal in this part of the world nowadays. It can be cured. It's just the wasting you have to watch out for. Kimimaro is a fighter, Sasuke, but if he gives up mentally, then it will be difficult…"

He sort of trailed off after that, so I left him to his silence. I was glad to. I didn't much want any further explanation.

Not long after that, the boss came down again, and he asked to speak with me. My stomach did a nervous flip, and I put my laptop away and trailed after him down a badly-lit corridor that stunk with the tang of disinfectant. He stopped halfway along at a window and looked out. Rain pattered gently upon the glass.

"I am worried, Sasuke-kun," he said quietly.

"I know," I replied.

There was a pause, and then the boss turned to look at me, his gaze strange, intent. I knew then he was going to say something I wasn't going to like.

"Sasuke-kun," he began in an oddly conciliatory manner, "I know you will not like what I am about to say—"

"Look," I sighed, interrupting him. "I don't care. Don't apologise. Don't beat about the bush. Just say it."

"Very well," the boss said, clasping his hands in front of him. "I wish to keep a close eye on Kimimaro's condition and in order to do that, he will have to be closer to home. He will shortly be transferred to Otogakure General and I will be paying all of his medical bills. Kimimaro's condition will most likely be a regular topic of conversation between Kabuto-kun and myself for six months at least, and I would very much appreciate if you would at least tolerate it, if not approve.

Suddenly, I felt very tired and strangely defeated somehow. My hand ran through my hair and I shrugged and said, "Fine. That's fine."

The boss smiled and leaned over and kissed me on the forehead. "Thank you, Sasuke-kun. I knew I could count on you to be sensible. Now I must go and check on Kimimaro-kun, but I shall arrange for accommodation—"

"No need," I said. "Kakashi's going to put us up."

"Ah, good, good."

"Look," I said wearily. "Can I just go? Is that okay? Can I call you later or could you call me or something? I just want to go to bed."

I suddenly felt the boss's arms snake around my waist, pulling me towards him. My head sort of flopped onto his shoulder and I closed my eyes. He smelled of hospital.

"I am sorry it turned out this way, Sasuke-kun," he said.

"So am I," I replied, devoid of emotion.

Another pause, and then the boss felt compelled to add, "There may yet be a bright side. Well, not so much bright as practical. Perhaps this will prove an interesting addition to Jiraiya's next festival list. Before you arrive make sure you are not harbouring any chronic, infectious diseases that will hinder your and others' enjoyment of your chosen festival, like Kimimaro did in 2008."

I managed to crack a weak smile at that one, and the boss smiled back, smoothing my hair from my face. "That's better," he said. "Try to not worry. I am fairly certain you won't have TB."

"Fairly certain?" I said, raising an eyebrow.

The boss nodded, and kissed me on my forehead again in that way of his when he wishes to signal the conversation is at an end. "I will see you tomorrow, Sasuke-kun."

I said goodbye, and I don't know why but I feel like shit. The heady feeling of power I experienced but two nights ago when the boss chose me over Kimimaro has well and truly faded. When I watched him walk away, it was like – and this might sound totally stupid – but it was like this time he had chosen Kimimaro over me.

God, I don't want to talk about this. It's making me depressed. I can't wait to get to Kakashi's. I'm still in the waiting room because Jiraiya and Kiku have decided to chat to a midwife about prenatal care. I'm guessing they're going to keep the kid. Whoop-de-fucking-doo! I'll wait until they officially announce it. Until then, I'll work on restoring some of my enthusiasm so I can act all surprised.

I hate my life.

* * *

And so ends part one of the epic saga of Saskue and Oro. Things will be different from here on in. I have misgivings about this chapter. I think I tried to do too much in it. The only bit I really like is the end. Grah. Next chapter will be better, I promise.

But yes. Hello, guys! Sorry about the lack of updates for a long while. Kind of went off Naruto for a bit, but it reeled me back in as it always does and now I'm here, updating and enthused as ever. I lament the lack of Oro in the manga, and also the lack of Itachi, but Madara is quite the cool villan, so I'm hoping for awesome things on that front.

On that positive note, on with the thank-yous (of which there are many - that'll teach me to not update!)

**NaruGuru** (oh NaruGuru, you are wise! You predicted Kimi's evil illness - but will he turn into a homewrecker? Time will tell. And I'm glad you liked the Oro/Asuma confrontation stuff. I loved writing all the troubled-Oro-and-adopted-family backstory. It's sad and sweet in a strange way. Hope you liked this chapter!)

**natwel** (Hmm... I've never heard of 'salvaging the wind'. I suppose the nearest I could get to a definition would be perhaps doing something that will be futile and reap no benefits whatsoever, or trying to save or retrieve something that is worth nothing, since salvaging means to save, retrieve or recover property. Interesting. Did you ever find out?)

**missyserena214** (Thank you! Glad you liked it. I don't think they will find out about Naruto's parents. At least not in this fic. Maybe if I write a sequel...)

**fiore777** (Y hai thar. I agree about the Hands Resist Him painting, for it is creepy. It freaks me out a bit if I look at it for too long. The hand touching the doll's face in the sequel painting is, quite possibly, even creepier. I am glad loled at Iruka's lap dance. It actually happened to someone I know at a festival. In fact, a lot of these stories are things that have happened to me, to friends or to friends of friends at festivals. Yes, even the Followers (well, maybe slightly exaggerated for comedic effect. Yay for authenticity!)

**NayanRoo** (Oh, you are wonderful. OroSasu are also my first OTP and they are indeed their own brand of awesome. I don't care if it is socially unacceptable - I LOFFS IT!! And you are also wise, for you have picked up on Kimi's illness. I can't say whether it'll end up turning out bad for Oro and Sasu because it'll give the game away, but things will get bitchier, I can guarantee that.)

**YoungSasuke** (Yes! Another convert to the awesomeness that is OroSasu. Well, for this fic at least. It's a step in the right direction. Thanks so much for the review and I hope you liked this chapter!)

**unreproachablephoenix** (Yay, hello there! I hope you weren't too put out waiting for this chapter to come along. As for the Ino/Shika/Temari love triangle, man, I would love to have put it in, but there was so much going on here in this chapter that I couldn't really. I might think about it for later, though...)

**Bri** (Hello again! Yeah, the Tunnel of Death thing is actually a real stunt people pull at some festivals. It's quite funny. Usually not quite as dramatic as what happened to Oro and Sasuke, but people still get mobbed. XD I hope you liked this chapter and that you didn't have too long to wait for it.)

**Fanny6** (Yay! A new reviewer. I always loves me some new reviewers. And it's okay that English isn't your first language - you can write it very well. I am with you on the fact that the fic needs more Itachi. I love writing him. Portraying him as the overprotective brother is so much fun. He won't be back in person for a while, but it should be worth it when he finally makes his appearance.

**ArilianaFireQueen** (Ahhh! You called the Naru/Hina! I fear your powers of prediction. Where did you get that from? I did my best to hide it and everything. Wow. And yes, I totally agree with you on the whole Saskue destroying Konoha motivation thing. I mean, wtf? Where did that come from?)

**Chromde** (HA! I'm glad you liked the "Tiffany"/Iruka moment. That totally happened to a friend of mine when he was at a festival. I laughed a lot when his mate told me the story. Naked Thong mad was actually a guy who pitched near me when I went to T in the Park a couple of years ago. He was absolutely wasted the whole weekend and I doubt he remembers me at all. I remember him, though... XD)

**kaira-chan15** (Kaira-chan, words cannot describe how grateful I am to you for your many, many reviews of each chapter. I mean you have single-handedly upped my review count by quite the generous amount. Cheers very much for them, and I hope you're still reading, even after me leaving such a humungous length of time between updates. )

**chibibaka1** (You know what? You're quite observant. You've picked up on the gradual personality change in Sasuke, culminating in his incredibly arrogant display in the tent with Oro. Oro knows what Saskue is up to, but he indulges him because Sasuke is sexy. Likewise, Sasuke knows Oro is indulging him because he is sexy and is beginning to realise he can push Oro a bit further than anyone else. But this: "I think in a lot of ways Sasuke is similar to Orochimaru, with the arragonce and single mindedness." That's on the nail. It's pretty much the key to how their relationship works, and is also the key to whether it works or fails.

**Tristechan** (Lol, yup. Itachi is definitely slapping his forehead in the afterlife. XD Sasuke, what are you up to, you silly Sasu-sausage? Also, quite a lot of the strange people at the festival are people I have met (Naked Thong Man) or people friends have told me about during their own festival experiences.)

**Dooki** (You know, the tent-pole stroking actually happened to a male friend of mine at a festival. XD It can only happen to guys at campsite urinals because the portaloos are self-contained shit coffins. Itachi will be back, fear not. Just not for a little while. As for Minato, hmmm, maybe not in this story. If I ever write a sequel, it might come up. But it depends on how the manga goes.)

**uberhaxxor of pwnage** (Lol, I hope I haven't caused you to laugh so much you've ruptured something internally. If you have ruptured something, please don't sue. XD And I bet it took you a helluvah long time to read all thirty-two chapters. Thanks for the reviews!)

**Beqs** (Sasuke is definitely an evil manipulator. But so is Oro. They are two peas in a pod. But hey, you speak Irish? That's awesome. What was that you said in Irish? I don't know anyone who can translate! XD Thanks so much for the reviews and I hope you liked this chapter. )

**danni quinn** (Hello again! Man, you must be one of my longest reviewers. XD I hope the wait for this chapter wasn't too long. Man, I used to have a dog called Sophie. She was a black and white piebald staffie. I kind of miss her, and her mum Jess. They were my first ever dogs. Oh, you asked how Oro picked up Sasuke. He picked him up because he is incredibly observant and just as manipulative as Sasuke. It was sort of a case of he would've done the same thing in Sasuke's situation, so he recognised it and called him on it. Hope your surgery went well. I heard that wisdom teeth operations are really painful. :( )

**hieilover135** (Lol, yes Lee has had his moment in the sun - but it has turned into something of a black cloud for him. Don't worry, though. No one will tell Gai. XD Sorry to hear about your math woes. I always hated Math. Never was good at it. Ended up having to hire a tutor and went from a fail to a C. YASSS! :P)

**AcePaste** (Yay! Another new reviewer (but not a new reader, I see). Thanks for coming out of lurkerdom. It's much appreciated. And I quite like your screen name too, actually. Iruka's lapdance actually happened to someone I know at a festival. He was just as traumatised as Iruka was.)

**Awkward Butterfly** (Oh my god. I am so jealous of you going to Alaska in a cruise ship. My auntie Anne's friend (yes the same auntie Anne who gave me some very detailed information on chronic pulmonary tuberculosis, lol) went on a cruise to Alaska and the north pole and she said it was amazing. They went in one of those ice breaker boats. I so want to go. Oh yes, about the bat. Jiraiya packed on on the bus in case they had trouble during the journey. )

**Kokura** (Dude, that ice-cream sounds amazing. Where might I purchase some? And you should definitely be the face of our new cult... shit... errr... I mean religion, yes, religion, since you have managed to achieve the rare skill of being able to pronounce BOTH capital letters AND italics and will thus be perfect for our extensive PR exercises. Thanks again for the birthday wishes on LJ, btw. I still love that fish bowl icon.)

**Nozomi-sama** (I think Naruto is everyone's favourite retard. XD He's definitely mine. Don't sweat about not leaving a long review. As long as you're still reading, it's fine by me. And it'll be a miracle if you are, since I've waited months to update. Glad you liked the Asuma/Oro angst. I loved writing that part.)

**Kutsushita-socks** (AHHH! FINALLY! Someone knows about Happy Hippy shower gel, what it is and where it comes from! I shall not stone you, oh no. I shall praise you, for there is nothing better in the world than Lush shower gel. And Itachi knows it. XD)

**Pyralis Ambika** (Oh ho! Another new reviewer! Thanks for leaving one. I always appreciate them very muchly. I'm glad you liked the "YOU TUBE MAAAAN" stuff. I like to put things into a bit of context, to remind people that Oro is kind of famous and that anyone associated with him will be caught up in his limelight. Including Sasuke, who is becoming kind of famous in his own right.)

**deidara** (Hey, another new reviewer! I'm doing quite well this chapter, lol. Thanks so much for leaving one. I always like hearing what people think. I'm guessing your favourite character is Deidara. He's one of mine too, and I LOVE writing him in this fic. He's a mad bastard and is awesome for comedy.)

* * *

Oh yeah. Forgot to say. Most of the bands mentioned in this chapter are on MySpace. Except the overtone singers. They're on YouTube. The Tiger Lillies are awesome, but STAY AWAY if you are easily offended, lol.

Until next time!

* * *


	34. Chapter 34

A Day in the Life

(a brief interlude)

**OoOoO**

* * *

AN: This came out of nowhere. You'll understand why I needed to do this when you read the next chapter. Basically, the story needed some context that Sasuke cannot provide and this was the best way to do it. Chapter thirty-five is eighty percent done, though, and it'll be finished and back to our regular scheduling tomorrow or the day after.

Apologies for any inconvenience, and thanks for your patience.

I also have some trailers and ads in the form of two one shot fics. _Oro's First Time_ is one of those _A Day in the Life_ spin-offs and _Rise_ is an AU modern OroSasu piece (it's sad and strange, but I'm perversely proud of it.)

Now on to the main showing...

* * *

----

_August 3__rd_

My name is Kaguya Kimimaro, and I think I am dying.

I was born in Mizugakure, the only son of the heir of a once noble clan and the whore who was sold to him in exchange for tarnished and fading prestige. They cared not for me, and for years I rotted in solitude until I was of age and was able to grasp the freedom I desperately craved with both hands.

I found a job, a home, a family of sorts, and for the first time I was content. For I was living my own life, something so alien it overwhelmed me initially. I did not know what to do. I knew not how to live. Then I met Kisame, Suigetsu, Mangetsu, Haku and Zabuza at Gato Shipping, and everything changed. They taught me how to live and I began to enjoy my newfound freedom.

Everything changed again when I met Orochimaru-sama. I love him more than my own life, and when he asked me to follow him, I did not hesitate. I would do anything for him…

I am sorry. I cannot write.

I am too weak...

----

_August 7__th_

I am still here.

I wonder at that.

I wonder a lot, you know. It was wondering that caused me to sever ties with Orochimaru-sama. I wondered about myself, the world, everything – and I wanted to see it all. Orochimaru-sama was not of the same mind, and we parted ways. I still wonder whether or not he truly wished to let me go. I still wonder whether it was wise for me to let go.

He was here not long ago, by my side, speaking to me. Telling me to get well. That I would get well if only I let myself. That he needed me.

I dearly wish that were true. All I want is to be needed by him.

----

_August 12__th_

I think I am dying. Everything hurts so much. When I open my eyes and look down, I can see clearly every rib and bone and every vein tracing its meandering path toward my still beating heart. There are needles sticking into my arms. They feed me drugs every four hours.

This is not life. This is not living.

I would rather die than live like this.

I want to die.

Please let me...

----

_August 14__th_

I saw him today. Uchiha Sasuke. The one who has stolen Orochimaru-sama's heart.

He walked in behind Orochimaru-sama, texting on his phone, a faint sneer playing around his mouth that seems ever a feature. I despise him. Uchiha Sasuke believes in his name, wears it as though it were a source of pride, as though all else will fall before it as feathers before a howling maelstrom. He is beautiful and arrogant, and Orochimaru-sama clearly indulges him.

The Uchiha does not deserve his love. He does not care for him as I do. He cannot, for no one comes close.

He could not even look me in the eye.

I hate him.

I cannot die without telling him this.

I cannot...

I must not.

----

_August 15__th_

I am still alive.

Kabuto came to see me today. It is strange, and I have begun to wonder again. How is it that he has moved on and I have not? He loved Orochimaru-sama, as did I, yet his love has faded and mine burns ever brighter. I left. He remained.

Why is it I cannot move on?

Sometimes, I wish I could. It would hurt less.

----

_August 24__th_

The drugs are not working. I am not getting better.

I wept last night because I realised I would not be able to tell Uchiha Sasuke what I thought of him. Orochimaru-sama was there, but I could not speak. My body laboured under the cocktail of drugs administered to me. I could hear him, though. He asked me why I wept. I could not answer.

He told me that if I stayed my tears and invested all my will and energy into getting better, it would make him happy.

All I could manage was a smile.

I would do anything to make him happy.

----

_September 18__th_

It has been difficult. So, so difficult. There were times I thought of nothing but darkness, of nothing but my desire for the beginning of a long surrender. But I have prevailed. I am no longer infectious. My tests have at last proved negative.

This evening, I managed to eat something without feeling sick. I told Orochimaru-sama when he came to visit. He smiled and took my hand.

I think I will try for the same again tomorrow night.

----

_October 3__rd_

Against all hope and expectation… I feel well. This has been the case for the past three days and Kabuto says it is a good sign.

I have been sitting up in bed when people come to visit, which is more often now that the ward nurses have pronounced me fit enough to handle them. Kisame came to see me last night and brought Deidara with him. I have missed Kisame and his razor sharp wit terribly, and I have been reminded about how much I do like Deidara.

Deidara was telling me all about his art and his and Sasori's success after winning a prestigious, international prize. It sounds fascinating. His enthusiasm is infectious, and I found myself suddenly wishing to draw. Deidara promised to bring me paper and some pencils tomorrow.

I am looking forward to it. I feel inspired.

----

_October 5__th_

Deidara brought me the paper last night, along with a set of pencils and inks. Already I have filled three pages with various imaginings. I sketched Saturn Devouring His Children from memory. I sketched the old male nurse who brings my food on a trolley. Then I drew a clock melting over his face. It was not long before he grew tentacles and feelers and great jagged mandibles and was human no more.

I drew Orochimaru-sama's eyes. I filled a page with them. Ever since I met him I have admired his eyes. They captivated me, and I have been kept under their spell.

They are like the sun.

----

_October 21__st_

Orochimaru-sama found my sketch book. He also found my drawings of his eyes. Laughing, he said they were a great likeness and he praised my skill. Of course they were a great likeness. How could I forget them? The memory of them haunts my dreams.

He offered to sit for me while I sketched, and I accepted. How could I pass on such an opportunity?

It thought it would be fun. Alas, I was wrong. It was heart-breaking, tracing the features I knew so well but had no hope of ever knowing again. I smiled through it, though, for I knew that it was what he would have wanted. When I had finished, I showed him the fruits of my labour. He was well pleased with my work and asked if he could keep it. Gladly I gave it to him.

I would give him anything…

----

_November 30__th_

I draw. Orochimaru-sama sits. We chat about matters great and small. He stays longer and longer each time and I do not protest.

It has become something of a regular occurrence, and it gives me hope.

----

_December 15__th_

Kisame came to see me again, and this time he brought along Suigetsu. I cannot tell you how much I have missed him. He is brash, unthinking, unfeeling, rude and uncouth, but I like him despite. We have been close as brothers ever since we met, and I cannot find it in me to fault him.

Grinning all over his face, he brought me a Christmas present and said I could open it right then and there because he knew how bored I had been. It was a black Nintendo DS with eight games. There was a big card too, signed from everyone at work. Karin, Juugo, Amachi, Gen'yumaru, Kabuto, Tayuya, Sakon and Ukon, Jirobou, Kidomaru – everyone. Even Uchiha Sasuke had signed it, though I suppose more out of a sense of propriety than any real concern for my welfare. Orochimaru-sama, too, had put his name to paper.

It made me terribly happy for some reason, and I thanked Suigetsu profusely. He said to think nothing of it, and apologised for shouting at me down the phone when he found out his test results all those months ago. I said I never blamed him for it.

I'm happy now. It was so good to see him again.

----

_December 18__th_

Suigetsu visited me again, bearing the most wonderful news. I do not think he realised what he told me was so wonderful, but, truly, I could have wept at his feet. Jiraiya's pretty, young girlfriend Kiku has applied for maternity leave from her position as Orochimaru-sama's PA. This means that there will shortly be a vacancy – a vacancy which I intend to fill.

I must get that job.

I must, I must, I must...

----

_December 24__th_

Orochimaru-sama came to see me tonight. I was not expecting it, being so close to Christmas, so it was a very welcome surprise.

Since I was not expecting visitors (although I had taken many phone calls), I was away from my room, wandering around the ward as I have been permitted to do as of late, sitting in a plastic chair near a window, playing the DS Suigetsu brought me. So absorbed in the game was I, I did not notice Orochimaru-sama approach me. When he tapped me on the shoulder, I started and almost dropped the thing on the floor.

"Come along to your room, Kimimaro-kun," he said, his eyes sparkling in that mysterious way that would compel me to follow him to the ends of the earth if he asked it of me. "I have something for you."

Wrapping an arm around my shoulders, he escorted me back to my room. Sitting down, he reached for something he had left hidden behind the chair that sat next to my bed. It was a gift and a card. I asked if I could open it, and he nodded, indulging my eager excitement.

The gift was a koto, the end pieces cut specially to fit, the bridge of ivory and the body of paulownia wood, scorched to bring out the grain. It was beautiful. I said so and Orochimaru-sama smiled. He then reached into the folds of his kimono and presented me with silk strings for my koto.

He said, "For you, Kimimaro-kun. I know you will use them well."

I did not know what to say. Silk strings are only for the best of players, for the classical pieces, and my illness had no doubt robbed me of the best part of my ability. Orochimaru-sama evidently noticed the fear in my eyes, for he reached out and cupped my cheek in his hand, making me blush.

"I _know_ you will use them well," he repeated, with a touch more conviction. "You play wonderfully. Your hesitancy, however charming, is misplaced."

"I have not played in so long, Orochimaru-sama," I replied, an anxious note creeping into my voice. "I- I have only just recovered from my sickness and—"

"Then use them when you are ready," he said, surprising me by leaning forward and kissing me lightly on the forehead. It was a chaste kiss, but it made my heart soar.

He also told me that night that the doctors considered me well enough to merit discharge, and that I would most likely be released from my confinement within the week. My happiness overcame me then, and I wept. Briefly, I felt Orochimaru-sama's hand stroke my hair, and I knew then that I had hope – real hope. My moment had come. I asked Orochimaru-sama about Kiku and whether he had made any plans to replace her. He said he had not, and I begged him to choose me. He hesitated a moment before smiling and saying he would most definitely find me a place, if not as Kiku's replacement, which led me to believe he was figuring the opinion of Uchiha Sasuke in his calculations.

It matters not, though. For all the Uchiha may dangle himself in front of Orochimaru-sama like a carrot and manipulate him with his thoughtless beauty, he forgets that Orochimaru-sama possesses his own mind, and will do by it whether or not he gains the approval of the Uchiha brat. I know he has already made his decision.

I will be back at Otogakure Enterprises by the new year. I am certain of it. And the Uchiha had better be careful, for he forgets that I, too, am beautiful and that I know how to use it to my advantage. I am nothing, though, if not patient. I shall bide my time and play a subtle game, and I have no doubt that, in time, I shall claim my prize. Ahh… I cannot wait to see the fear in the Uchiha's eyes when he realises he has met his match – and he _will_ realise it, for he is clever, if nothing else. By the time he does realise, however, it will be far too late…

Merry Christmas, Uchiha Sasuke. Enjoy it, for it will be your last with Orochimaru-sama.

----

* * *

Here endeth the brief interlude. :)

So, there are a few people I'd like to thank for reviews on the previous chapter. I wasn't sure whether to put them on here or on the next chapter, since I'm so close to posting the next one, but I'll go for it. Gotta let you guys know I appreciate you taking the time out to write reviews. :)

**NayanRoo** (Man, you sound pretty stressed. I hope you're holding up okay with all the mid-term angst. What you're doing is pretty difficult, but you'll kick its ass in the end. And you'll kick it hard. Oh yes. I'm actually pretty indifferent when it comes to shipping Naruto. I can go any of the usual ways: Sakura, Hinata, Sasuke, Kakashi, Iruka. If it's well-written and you convince me, then I'll go for it. The only one I don't like so much is Naruto/Jiraiya. Maybe it's because I think Naruto sees Jiraiya as a father figure (or at least a pervy uncle) and there's that family connection that makes it slightly wrong for me. Ah, I dunno... Thanks for the review for _Rise_, though. I kind of liked that one, so it's cool to see that some other people do too. :) )

**Nozomi-sama** (Hmm... I'm wondering whether you're still feeling so sorry for Kimimaro after this little non-chapter interlude thingy. XD See, I'm kind of glad you felt like that after 33 though, because the thing I love most in fic is shades of grey. Even though Kimi is the main rival for Oro's affections and is out to steal Oro from Sasuke, he is really a confused and fragile human being with genuine feelings for old Oro. Not to mention he was really, terribly ill. I mean, that's got to be worth a bit of sympathy, isn't it? XD)

**NaruGuru** (Ahhh... your Ginny comparison is pretty accurate, actually. It's not right on the money, but almost. Damn, this is one of those times I really want to tell people what's going to happen, but I can't! Roar. I suppose I'll just need to hurry up and post thirty-five, since there's a smidgen of development along those lines. Also, I am glad you felt sorry for Kimimaro. As I was saying to Nozomi-sama up above, I love to let people see the different sides of the characters. Kimi is being a sneaky bastard, but he is also really hurting and he had a horrible childhood. And with this one, I've really upped the Kimi factor, so we'll see how it goes...)

**YoungSasuke** (Glad you liked it! The conga line was another one of those true festival stories, although the breaking into the arena part didn't happen to me or anyone I know. It was one of those ones that hit the newspapers. A seperate conga line incident that got a bit out of hand. XD)

**Luna-Lunak** (Oh dear, was my lack of direction that obvious? XD You're very perceptive. I fear your insight, lol. No, you're right. I wasn't searching for a way to continue so much, for I knew exactly where the story was supposed to be going, I just got a little side-tracked when I stuck in the road trip. In hindsight, I really could have done without it. It was one of those things I mentioned way back in chapter one that I thought would be fun but it turned out to be a bit of a nightmare, lol. I'm glad you liked it, though. And there will be more romance coming fairly soon. Much, much more. Though between which characters, I will leave you to guess. ;) )

**Cyaniona** (Yay! Another new reviewer! Don't worry about not having reviewed til now. I'm just happy you took the time to do it at all. Very nice of you. :) Festivals can be pretty mad... they can also be pretty wet and miserable, so... yeah, I think I portrayed both sides of the coin on that one. XD As for Kimimaro, well... you can see from this weird, little interlude type chapter that he has a game plan. He's going to go for it. Whether he succeeds, I can't say, because I'll spoil the story, lol. It's going to be a bumpy ride from here on in, though. Thanks again for the review!)

**Bri** (God, I totally know how you feel with the portaloo thing. Ugh. They're not called 'shit coffins' for nothing. Lol, I also agree with you about Neji. He does need lighten up a touch. Maybe that's a reflection of his manga/anime portrayal, because he's a bit uptight there too. Drunk fishing, I must say, is pure comedy gold. You've got to do it if you ever end up at a festival. It's worth the expensiveness of glow sticks. As for Kimi... well... you got one half of your wish. He's not dead, but he's going to be around for a bit longer. You all know how much I love torturing Sasuke. ;) )

**Violet** (Lol, yes, apologies for the long ass amount of time between updates last time round. I totally wasn't dead! I was merely... thinking about where to go next. Yes, that's it. Glad you liked it. More funniness in the next chapter, which shouldn't be long at all in coming.)

**Chromde** (Yeah, it was pretty intense. I didn't like it much when I first posted it, actually. I might have tried to do too much in it (this is always a problem when they hop over to Konoha or get involved with the Konoha lot.) Ahh well. There's always the next chapter. I'm glad you liked Oro and Kabuto's nerdy math conversation. That was one of the parts I _did_ like about thirty-three. I should have posted some links to the bands I name-checked in the festival chapter, but hey you can find them on myspace or Last FM or something. The Tiger Lillies are a bit weird, but then so are a lot of the bands I like. I have an Oro-style, terrifyingly eclectic taste. :P)

**Beqs** (That's awesome that you can speak Irish. It's cool too that you have to learn it at school. Means that Irish won't die out as a language (because there's nothing sadder than hearing about a language dying with its last speakers). I'm from Scotland, but we're not near as proactive about preserving our variety of Gaelic. It would've been cool to learn a bit. Glad you liked the chapter, and hope the weird interlude thing didn't put you off. Back to normal next time!)

**danni quinn** (Lol, I am getting quite a few mentions of horrific camping stories here. I've never been 'proper' camping before. It's always been during festivals, when you're having fun and jumping about the campsite like a damn fool, so you don't notice the bad stuff so much (until you head to the portaloos). I'm not much of a shipper when it comes to Naruto. I can pair him with pretty much anyone (except Jiraiya - I will not go there for some reason). Anyway, you won't have long to wait for the next proper chapter because I'm almost finished it! Yay!")

**Kutsushita-Socks** (Yay! Hello there. First off, thanks so much for the review for _Rise_. It's been the first thing for ages I've written and properly liked, so... yeah... cheers for the review. It made me grin like a loon. :) Apologies for the graphic portaloo scene at the beginning of the last chapter. You know how Sasuke is. Such a drama queen. XD)

**anotamous** (Hee, thanks for the review. Ten was a fun chapter to write.)

**fiore777** (Yay, indeed, for being back with the manga. I'm just pissed off that I'm just back and there's a week's break, lol. Oh well. It'll teach me some patience. As for episode 82 of Shippuuden, I did watch it. And you know what? I think I have found a new favourite episode - one to even rival 118 from way back when. It was like watching a movie. Like, even though it was pretty much filler, it was of astounding quality. There was *gasp* character development and proper subtle angst. It's definitely a benchmark, and it proves how good Naruto _can_ be. Unfortuately, it means no excuses when they (will inevitably) turn out something under par. Glad you liked the chapter - and Jiraiya in a tiger print thong is definitely a nice mental image. XD)

**Kokura**(You know, I did wonder about the whole pretty-much-immediate juxtaposition of the good stuff/bad stuff during the festival chapter. I do think about these things at least a bit, lol, and it was one of my many worries about the last chapter. Glad to see it didn't jar too much. I guess I was just going for the whole 'see how quickly things go from bad to shit in under 60 seconds' sort of thing. Damn, though. That ice cream sounded awesome. Too bad I can't get any over here. I'll just have to go hunting for a suitable near alternative.)

**hieilover135** (Lol, I knew you would ike the Lee part somehow. XD I know this chapter was probably pretty wide from the mark from what you were expecting, but I hope it was okay. Next chapter will be normal. Well, as normal as this fic can be. I was pretty much forced to get a proper opinion on TB, because I didn't want to get stuff totally wrong. My poor auntie Anne was phoned and quizzed on the treatment of chronic pulmonary TB and she very kindly answered all my questions, even the more retarded ones.)

**chibibaka1** (Hello there! Cheers very much for the review on the last chapter. I know you're a bit busy with schoolwork and stuff, so it's much appreciated. :) Lol, I'm glad you found Jiraiya's 'Oh, but we all knew that' moment. Like Sasuke, I had to find it out the hard way (and I found out on my own - having no experienced, elder festival-goers around to enlighten me). Very perceptive and good call on the Oro and Kabuto math conversation. It was totally what I was going for, so major props for spotting it. I hope you liked the strange little interlude. It's a bit of a set up for later chapters. The next one's coming very soon, though.)

**Sehpi** (Ahh... you almost confused me for a moment there, but I cunningly clicked on your username and discovered that you were once PyralisAmbika. I'm kind of glad I convinced you to feel sorry for Sasuke. He is arrogant, snobbish, elitist and too clever by half sometimes, but he really does like Oro and he does care for his friends and Itachi. And he's been through a lot of shit in this story, so... XD I'm sure the next chapter will rid you of your sympathy, because there is much in the way of sustained Uchiha arrogance, lol.)

* * *

Thanks again, guys. Back to normal next chapter! :)


	35. Chapter 35

A Day in the Life

* * *

AN: Back to normal! :)

* * *

January 17th

Are you there God? It's me, Sasuke.

Now, I know I've been a bad journal updater, but if you would give me the chance to explain my conduct, I would be forever grateful. Thanks. I appreciate it muchly.

The first and foremost cause for my woeful lack of correspondence? Work. I can tell you honestly without fear of reprisal that it has been totally and utterly mad here for the past couple of months. The boss had one of his brainwaves down in the labs not long after we got back from the Festival from Hell, and he spent quite a bit of time down there during the day with the R&D crowd. Between the boss's wildly creative, lunatic genius and Kabuto's practical, measured genius they have come up with something that even I, the non-scientist, consider inspired. I'm not allowed to tell you what that inspired something is since I signed a confidentiality clause in my contract, but Karin and her marketing minions are hard at work promoting and selling units as I type. Since I am awesome at marketing, the boss put me with Karin and we've been working quite closely for the past month or so, teaming up on the promotional side of things. It's been fun. Everyone loves us.

Not only that, the boss informed me not long ago, with a glint in his eye, that he has aspirations to claim the Product of the Year award, the very same award that my brother's organisation won but two years prior. The nominations will be announced over the weekend and I'm thinking somehow that Otogakure Enterprises will be on there. I'd hate to think of the boss's reaction if that were not to be the case. At the very least, we'll be up against the Akatsuki Group, since they have not long expanded their services into Konoha under the keen, avaricious eye of uncle Madara, and they will no doubt have a nomination from that quarter.

I am not sure whether the boss is keen on going up against them, despite the strong faith he holds in the MA-125 series, but I would secretly like it to happen. For one thing, it would mean I could see Itachi in person. I feel like it's been ages. Now I think about it, it _has_ been ages. The last time I saw Itachi was at the Gurner prize exhibition round about my birthday and I only spoke to him for less than five minutes in the gents'. It's getting like the bad old days again when I worked for Konoha-Suna and only saw him once a year at Christmas. We e-mail and talk (briefly and infrequently) on the phone, but it's not the same. I must say I rather miss him. I occasionally ask after him when I'm speaking with various Akatsuki Group higher-ups, but they never have much to tell. They all report that my brother is becoming increasingly withdrawn, sits at his computer late into the night and the only people he talks to, if he decides to talk at all, are Kisame and uncle Madara.

The good news though, is that Itachi did not contract TB during his brief stay in Suna last new year. Konohagakure General hospital contacted everyone who had associated with the Kaguya freak, corralled them in the infectious diseases ward and subjected them to skin tests, blood tests, sputum tests and chest x-rays. Sadly, I was not present when the Akatsuki lot turned up (that is my brother, Deidara and Sasori) but their tests proved negative. Well, I say 'negative'. Sasori was found to be carrying the disease but it was a relic from a childhood infection, not active, and therefore not infectious. He's taking medication to get rid of it, though, so it shouldn't develop into full-blown TB.

The Akatsuki mob were comparatively lucky. As suspected, Kakashi and Iruka had been infected since they spent two nights in close confines with an incredibly infectious Kimimaro coughing and spluttering all over them. Kabuto had also contracted the disease. Justifiably, I'd say, he was quite angry about it, since he had been so careful all these years in the labs and submitted to regular Heaf tests to check he had not caught the disease – and then Kimimaro recklessly let himself get to the point of death, coughed all over Kabuto, and all his precautions flew out the window. Though he's pleasant enough to Kimimaro in the office, to be honest, I still don't think he's entirely over it. Neither is Suigetsu, who was also infected after spending two weeks with the Freak in Suna. When he got his test results back, Suigetsu promptly phoned Otogakure General, asked to speak to a very ill Kimimaro and gave him dog's abuse down the line. I was there when he called. He was ranting and swearing and everything. Remind me never to get on Suigetsu's bad side when I'm lying dying in a hospital bed.

I suppose I should update you on the Kaguya Freak's condition, though I dearly do not wish to, for I hate him with a passion bordering on frenzy. It takes more and more effort to conceal it each day, and I believe the feeling is mutual.

Unfortunately, Kimimaro has made a full recovery. It took him a hell of a long time – the best part of five months – but he's back on his feet. As per the boss's plan, he was transferred to Otogakure General and was kept in isolation until his sputum tests proved negative for TB bacilli. After that, he was kept in his private room (which the boss paid for) and remained in hospital, taking up valuable bed space, to make sure he adhered to the strict medication regime and to let his body recover from its wasted pre-festival state. The boss and Kabuto went to visit him twice weekly, alternating days. I put up a fight when the boss decided he would make his visits, and the boss said I was very welcome to come along and supervise. At first, I was glad to take up his offer, but I sat there in Kimimaro's room feeling about as welcome as genital warts and was almost completely ignored the whole time. The Kaguya Freak said nothing, and his face conveyed no feeling either way when he saw me walk in behind the boss (not that he could do much – there were so many intravenous needles I had to look away) but I could feel the resentment. I don't think anyone has ever hated me so much in my life.

I didn't tag along again.

To make matters worse, he has managed to worm his way back into the office. This was more a matter of luck than skill, but it still rankles. Since Jiraiya and Kiku decided that they did want to keep the kid (more on that story later), it was inevitable that at some point Kiku would have to take maternity leave. This finally came to pass a fortnight ago. Characteristically for the conniving contagious boy-wonder, he put forward the idea that he could step in for Kiku, since he has had prior experience, was good at his job and knows how the company works.

Now up until then, I had tolerated a hell of a lot. I had put up with the boss visiting him unsupervised in hospital. I had put up with the boss and Kabuto talking about said visits regularly over dinner. I had put up with people at work asking me how Kimimaro was doing. I had put up with people who were not from Otogakure Enterprises emailing me to ask how he was doing. I had even put up with Kimimaro moving into the higher ups' apartment block upon his discharge from hospital – but a stone's throw away from the boss's house. I had put up with all of that, but I'd be damned if I was going to put up with him being the boss's PA again, around him twenty-four seven, smarming his loathsome little way into his pants with his sycophantic devotion. "Oh you are so wonderful, Orochimaru-sama! Orochimaru-sama, the sun shines out of your pasty arse cheeks and blinds my unworthy eyes with its radiance! Oh, Orochimaru-sama, let me lick your shoes, please, I beg you!"

Makes me sick.

So I put my foot down about it when the boss suggested it to me after dinner one night. I told him, in no uncertain terms, that I would not tolerate it. Ever. The boss tried to convince me otherwise and we ended up having a raging argument. Luckily, matters went my way. I suppose the boss saw sense (perhaps due to my threatening to leave him if he didn't) for he has shunted Kimimaro into Finance so he can help Juugo, and has temporarily drafted in Kin from Purchasing to serve as his PR until Kiku is ready to come back. Kin can hardly believe her luck. I have been very helpful to her and have popped along to the boss's office at least once a day to see how she is getting on because it is in my interest that she does her job surpassingly well. That may sound pathetic to you, but I saw Kimimaro standing behind her desk, admonishing her in front of the boss after a meeting one day, so I'm going to keep it up. It also provides me with a window into what's going on in the boss's office, because Kin now adores me and will tell me anything I want to know.

As far as Jiraiya and Kiku are concerned, everything seems to be going well for them. All major obstacles have been overcome and they are awaiting the imminent arrival of their first child. The first major obstacle was the boss's horrified disbelief that his best friend would even entertain the thought of having a child. I vividly remember the moment Jiraiya broke the news to him because we were still staying at Kakashi's, waiting on the boss to finalise the details of Kimimaro's transfer to Otogakure General. We were at Kakashi's apartment, sitting in his messy, eclectically decorated living-room; Kakashi and Jiraiya sitting on the sofas with coffee, and Kiku and I on the desktop in the corner looking at baby names (she forced me – I cannot say I enjoyed the experience).

Before long, the buzzer went and Kakashi disappeared downstairs to let the boss in. Looking tired and drawn, his face lit up a bit when he saw me at the computer with Kiku. He came over and leaned in to give me a kiss but froze halfway when he caught a glimpse of the webpage in the browser.

"Kiku, my dear," he said hesitantly, his eyes widening in apprehension, "what is this?"

"You mean, like, the baby names and stuff?" Kiku said, following up with a loud snap of her gum.

"Yes, I mean the baby names."

"Yah. Jiraiya was gonna tell ya. We're gonna keep it. He's over there if you wanna go speak to him. So what d'ya think of Cyndi for a girl, Sasuke—?"

Slowly, the boss's head turned to face Jiraiya. It was like something out of The Exorcist, I swear.

"Jiraiya—" he began, his voice low and his tone ominous.

"Look, Oro…" Jiraiya interrupted, holding up a hand and seeming almost anxious. "I know what I'm doing. We've made our decision and—"

"You cannot look after a child, Jiraiya," the boss countered with startling bluntness.

At that, Jiraiya bristled with indignation and the anxious note turned defensive.

"I can," he said firmly, meeting the boss's eye, "and I will."

"No, you cannot," the boss said, smoothly reiterating his position. "You have said so yourself – and to the establishment nonetheless. What makes you think you will be able to this time?"

Suddenly weary, Jiraiya shook his head and laid his coffee down on the table. Then he stood up. "Can we talk about this elsewhere, Oro? I still need to tell Tsunade and I don't wanna have to go through all this again."

"Fine by me," the boss said. "But you will be driving. Sasuke-kun, I shall be back momentarily – once I have talked some sense into Jiraiya."

While all this was going on, Kakashi and I had been shooting each other surreptitious looks over the sofa, and when Jiraiya and the boss had gone, I spun round in my spinny chair and said, "What was that all about?"

Kakashi shrugged, still staring at the door. "Maybe he's in denial?"

"No, not Orochimaru-sama," I said derisively. "I mean Jiraiya. What's all that stuff about him saying he can't look after kids? It sounded quite official to me."

Kakashi shrugged. "Don't look at me. Believe it or not, I'm not actually that old, so I don't know everything that's gone on in his life. Maybe he got into a bit of trouble when he was younger or something. Who knows?"

Since Kiku did not seem the least bit perturbed by the whole situation and was happily clicking away on the computer, I decided that it probably wasn't that important. At any rate, I figured Kiku knew about it (whatever it was) and it was something that didn't bother her. I suppose it was just something the boss decided to dredge up from the murky past and use as ammo – something I am inclined to believe. It is entirely like him.

It was dark before Jiraiya and the boss reappeared. Kakashi got up to let them inside again and they came in, still chatting. I took that as a good sign, and when the boss slumped down next to me in the sofa, I whispered in his ear, "So how did it go?"

The boss sighed.

"He is resolute, Sasuke-kun."

That seemed pretty final, so I decided the best course of action from then on would be to initiate a sustained plan of damage control and attempt to bring the boss round to accepting the idea of Jiraiya's impending fatherhood. I suspect Jiraiya was thinking upon a similar plane, as he has been unusually nice to the boss over the past couple of months.

Once the obstacle in the form of the boss was surmounted (or if not surmounted, at least confronted), another appeared in the form of Kiku's family. Despite Teuchi-san's very definite wish never to see his youngest daughter again, Kiku expressed the desire to inform her family of the imminent addition. Both the boss and I thought this idea utterly mad – and who could blame us? We have our reasons, and among them most salient is that we both ended up injuring Teuchi-san at Lee's party last November. I still wake up in a cold sweat at night thinking about those frozen prawns.

Kakashi, too, expressed a negative opinion, though that was more to do with the fact that we were still at his apartment, and if anything kicked off it would be _his_ property being damaged. Surprisingly, Jiraiya was very supportive of his girlfriend's lunatic whim, and offered to join her if she wanted to visit her family. Kiku squealed with delight and ran off to fetch the phone. She ended up talking to Ayame, her elder sister, for three hours (much to Kakashi's chagrin, as the minutes were on peak-time rates) and a visit on neutral ground was arranged for the following day.

The boss tried to convince them not to do it after he came back from the hospital, but Kiku said that she had to, that she couldn't live with having her kid cut off from its family, and that in all honesty she missed her father and her sister and wanted them to be a part of her kid's life. Jiraiya stood by her side and nodded and looked all manly while she made her stirring speech, but I noticed a glimmer of apprehension in his eyes. I must say I felt for him. I know no one who owns more knives than Teuchi-san. And he knows how to use them.

Fortunately, Jiraiya's apprehension and the boss's predictions of lawsuits and carnage went unfounded. They returned from the kaiseki restaurant (the same one the boss prefers when in Konoha – Jiraiya must have been wanting to impress) looking slightly shaken, but physically unharmed. As soon as the door clicked shut behind them, Kiku vaulted onto Kakashi's battered sofa and squealed and squealed and squealed. Really. I have never heard anything like it. It was literally a series of long strings of "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! _Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!_"

When we managed to calm her down and took a few moments to let our ears recover from the ringing, Kiku finally told us what had transpired.

"My dad said it was okay!" she squeaked, bubbling over with joy. "My dad said he'd had, like, time to think about it and he said that it was cool and that he knows now that Jiraiya's not, like, just gonna screw me over or anything like that and that he's fine with us being together. But ya know what the total best thing is, guys? The best thing is that he said he missed me and he just wanted to know if I was being taken care of and that he's, like, so happy now cos he's secretly always wanted to be a grandpa…"

At that point, Kiku dissolved into happy sobs and Jiraiya smiled and wrapped his arm around her, beaming. The boss rolled his eyes, but I think he was secretly pleased, or perhaps relieved that he was no longer in danger of being slashed in a dark alley by a mad chef intent on revenge. Maybe it was a bit of both. I'm feeling charitable enough to give him at least a portion of the benefit of the doubt. As for me, well, I'm happy for them I really am, but I'm not looking forward to having to personally apologise to Teuchi-san for the prawns. I did send him a present and an apology card at the time, but I asked Naruto to give it to him so it wasn't as personal as it might have been.

Oh, and speaking of Naruto, he's still going out with Hinata. How much longer it's going to last, though, I'm not sure. For one, I am not certain he realises just how much she likes him. He seems to be treating it as a casual affair, just meeting up with Hinata now and then, hanging out, having a laugh, watching movies, playing videogames. That their relationship is technically long-distance is also making things difficult. Or at least that's how I see it. Hinata, I believe, feels it something of a trial – especially whenever Naruto asks her to come visit in Otogakure.

It took Hinata ages to pluck up the courage to tell her father and Neji that she was going to take a couple of days off to go see Naruto the first time, and I believe they opposed it at first. This was until she politely pointed out that she was old enough to do whatever she liked, and that she was only being courteous in asking their permission and that if they would be so kind as to grant it, she would be much obliged. Eventually they did, Hinata caught a flight out, and was plunged right into the deep end the first day she arrived.

Now Hinata has always been shy around me, around Jiraiya, around Kiku, Kabuto and pretty much everyone in the known universe, but that is nothing compared to her fear of the boss. She is absolutely terrified of him.

Naruto went to pick her up from the airport the first time she came out here, and when he brought her back to the boss's house, intent on giving her the partial tour (a whole tour would take the best part of a day) the boss and I were having a minor argument in the TV room. I cannot even remember what we were arguing about, so it cannot have been that serious – but I do remember the boss snatching a fistful of cashew nuts from a nearby bowl and launching them at me. The salty snack foods went sailing past my head and clattered against the wall just as Naruto opened the door to say hi.

Oblivious to animosity as per usual, Naruto grinned and called out, "Hey guys, Hinata's here!" and when we ignored him completely in lieu of a wonderfully cathartic cashew fight, he shrugged and said, "Meh, they're always arguing. We'll talk to them later. Wanna play laser tag?"

Hinata went "meep…" by way of agreement and they retreated upstairs. By the time they came back down, the boss and I were on the floor laughing hysterically in a sea of stomped on, broken nuts. I do not believe this helped convince Hinata of our respective levels of sanity. To seal the deal on the boss, Hinata witnessed one of his spectacular work-related tantrums on her last visit, and I am now convinced she thinks he's a total fruit loop. Which he kind of is sometimes, but he is allowed his moments.

The boss, for his part, doesn't mind Hinata. She's a well-brought up girl from one of the oldest families in Konoha (the Hyuugas are old money), and the boss is a more-or-less well-brought up man from one of the wealthiest families in Konoha. They move in the same social circles and had similar upbringings and education, so there was little scope for clash there. Unfortunately, their personalities differ upon such a vast scale that I would say the differences might be measured in terms of light years, or the life cycles of stars, perhaps, or even the time it takes for a universe to explode into being and collapse into nothingness.

As I said, they're a bit different, but they get on. Mainly because Hinata is too freaked out by the boss to do anything that would upset him. The boss looks upon Hinata as one would look upon an adorable, cute, inoffensive but ultimately helpless newborn lamb. He has even taken to referring to her as 'the little Hyuuga lamb', or variations on that theme, always saying how quiet she is – which only makes Hinata blush harder and retreat further into her shell.

At any rate, I think Hinata is finding the infrequent visiting difficult, and it's not all due to the boss's rampant insensitivity. Naruto does not seem bothered in the slightest by the whole long-distance thing, but then that is his way. He is remarkably retarded when it comes to relationships and cannot discern trouble until it has smacked him up side the head with considerable force – at which point he will normally whine at me for not telling him things were going wrong.

And I suppose this weekend will be interesting to say the least, because we will be back in Konoha as the harbingers of drama, disease and doom (that's what Kakashi has taken to calling us at any rate, the cheeky git).

We're going to Konoha because we've been invited to Asuma and Kurenai's wedding. And when I say 'we', I mean myself, the boss, Jiraiya, Kiku, Naruto, Kabuto and (I grit my teeth and clench my fists) Kimimaro. I'm actually quite nervous, since I have been invited to attend the actual ceremony along with the rest of the Sarutobi/Yuuhi family. Apparently, I count as family since I'm the boss's significant other, and he, of course, is family because he is Sarutobi's favourite unofficially adopted son. I must confess myself surprised that the boss even received an invite after their little spat at the Festival from Hell. Perhaps Sarutobi forced Asuma to send one? Who knows.

Since we're attending the ceremony, we are staying at the Sarutobis' beautiful, traditional, _shinden-zukuri_ style house in the hills of Konoha. Kakashi and Shikamaru will be with us, since they're Asuma's best friends, as will Jiraiya and Tsunade, old family friends, and their significant others (a blessed relief, I might add. I was starting to freak out at the prospect of being surrounded by 'family' I did not know). Those coming from further afield but only attending the reception are staying at the hotel.

The boss has had some new formal commissioned for me, a black kimono with stylised Uchiha fans round the collar, a white nagajuban, a lighter silvery kimono to go under the black one, grey hakama, a _very_ heavy maru obi and formal zori. The whole ensemble is encumbersome to such a degree, I have had to practise walking around inside with it. The boss has been supervising and he has told me I have just about got the hang of it. Thankfully, I won't have to wear the damn things all day – I have a tuxedo I can change into for the reception. The boss has also commissioned some new formal for himself, and I can state without hesitation that his kimono is nothing short of spectacular.

True to form, the boss has decided to defy convention and has opted for a rather grand, feminine, _juni-hitoe_ style ensemble. Twelve layers of clothing, the top layer made of luxurious, heavy black silk and decorated with gold brocade and precious stones. The many, many undergarments are all variations on a theme of gold, white and black – and the sleeves are great, gaping things with writhing, stylised snakes the main feature of the cuffs. I guarantee someone will come a cropper because of them. To top it all off, though, he took a delivery only yesterday of an envy-inducing gold, jade and onyx bead headdress. It's fine filigree work and looks like the elaborate fans of a peacock's tail. I don't want to think how much it cost, but he tried it on and it looked fantastic. He is in real danger of upstaging both Asuma and Kurenai (which is doubtless his intent).

Unfortunately, since we've been so busy over here, we have not had time for rehearsal. The boss has been to a couple of weddings, though, and he knows the ropes and has said I can follow his lead. Thank god for that. I've never been to a wedding before, never mind one so grand, and I don't want to get something wrong and make an arse of myself.

As I type, there are some underlings packing away our formal for us and we're flying out tonight at seven on the boss's jet. I don't know how Asuma and Kurenai are feeling, but I'm kind of nervous.

One sec…

Okay. I'm going to have to write more later. Jiraiya is looming over my laptop, holding an expensive-looking kimono in each hand. I think he wants me to help him make a decision. Why does everyone come to me for fashion advice? I mean, I know I dress well, but it doesn't mean the clothes I wear will look equally good on everyone. When will the rest of the world learn that it is not possible to replicate the fey beauty of an Uchiha in a lesser vessel?

Oh well. I _am_ feeling somewhat charitable. Perhaps I could offer him some advice at least. It will be better than nothing.

Will write later!

LATER:

It is just past midnight and I am feeling strangely tired even though the flight to Konoha only lasts an hour. Though I have just watched a movie with the boss and laughed myself silly over and above the whole hasty packing and last-minute flight, so I suppose I am perfectly within my rights to feel a shade fatigued. The boss has popped out to the toilet, so I shall take this opportunity to update before turning in for the night.

The boss and I are settled in our bedroom, assigned to us by the Sarutobis for the duration of our stay. It is a beautiful room and very traditional at that. The floors are tatami, the walls are moveable and composed of paper and wood to let in light, the bed is low to the ground and piled high with white silk sheets and soft pillows. There is a little black, lacquered table in the middle of the room at which the boss and I may sit and chat if the mood takes us, and there is a rather antique-looking folding screen at the far end. The boss tells me the dressing screen was an original feature and came with the house when Sarutobi bought it, and that it is over four-hundred years old. In light of this information, I have not went near it and have no plans to touch it or approach it. I shall admire it from afar and therefore run no risk of destroying it with an ill-timed bout of horrendous bad luck.

The room we're staying in is actually the boss's old room – the one Sarutobi always keeps reserved for him, no matter whether or not he has the intention of coming to stay. I must say when the boss told me this, I felt a twinge of jealousy, for Sarutobi's house is stunning. Perhaps the most beautiful house I have ever had the pleasure to visit. I would kill to live in a place like this, and I am perfectly serious about that. If ever the opportunity arises, Sarutobi had better watch his back.

Thoughts of homicide aside, the Sarutobi family home is only one story high, but it is a large complex – sort of U-shaped, with different buildings connected by open corridors. The boss tells me it was built by a nobleman over four-hundred years ago and one of his hard-up descendants sold it to Sarutobi in an attempt to downsize. An excellent buy, I feel.

It is set at the foot of the forested hills of Konoha (so privacy is never an issue, thank god) and because of this, it has a rather wonderful garden with lakes and bridges and mist and little man-made islands and groves of cherry blossom and _ume_ trees. There are two long, covered walkways looking out onto the garden, at the end of which are two open pavilions where people can go at night and relax or have a bit of fun. Inside, it is all solid, highly polished wooden floors and sliding doors. Traditional artwork covers every inch of the ceilings, telling stories of Shinto gods and demons, and – get this – there are even nightingale floors outside the Sarutobis' bedroom. At the centre of the main building is a courtyard where the ceremony will be held. A shrine has been built and blessed specially for the occasion. Sarutobi has pretty much gone all out for his son's wedding – and all the solemn grandeur had something of an effect on Asuma.

After we dropped off Naruto, Kabuto and the Freak at the hotel we arrived at the Sarutobis' home and found it in a flurry of preparation and high-spirits. Details were still being finalised even at half-past eight, and there were a lot of stressed-looking men and women buzzing about, carting crates of flowers, hanging lanterns, talking hurriedly on mobile phones and generally being short with one another. We found Sarutobi standing in the middle of a crowd of wedding planners looking world-weary, and when Jiraiya cupped his hands round his mouth and yelled "HEY, SARUTOBI-SENSEI! WE'RE HERE!" he almost bowled them over he moved so fast.

Relieved to have been provided with an excuse to get away from it all, Sarutobi happily gave us a tour of his home before showing us to our rooms. It was not long before Tsunade and Dan turned up, and the older lot knitted together in that way of theirs and commandeered the sitting area in the private part of the building with solid walls (built and arranged so that none of the hoi polloi may enter, I suppose). Kiku and I sat with them for a bit, but they started bickering about some inane, trivial matter that occurred twenty years or so ago, so to save ourselves withering away from sheer boredom, we decided to head out for a wander and look for Kakashi and Shikamaru.

Eventually, we found them sitting with Asuma at one of the open, roofed pavilions that look out onto garden. They were all smoking, an action which triggered my keen empathetic senses and led me to believe that all was not well in the worlds of Hatake Kakashi, Nara Shikamaru and Sarutobi Asuma, for Kakashi and Shikamaru never smoke unless they're stressed, and from look of the piled-high ashtray at Asuma's elbow, it appeared he had been chain-smoking, which, again, was a sure-fire indicatior of a troubled psyche.

Having taken note of this, I had planned to be subtle and careful in dealing with them, to introduce my presence as unobtrusively as possible and sit quietly by them, perhaps staring out across the garden in a pensive manner before bringing up any potential sore points. Lamentably, Kiku is not so observant, and, waddling over in her special, loose-fitting kimono that caters for her now obviously pregnant state, she barged straight in, plonked herself down between them and said, "Hey, hey, hey guys! Jeez… what's up with the grumpy faces? You nervous, or somthin'?"

Asuma took a drag from his cigarette and exhaled. He nodded morosely.

"I dunno if I'm doing the right thing," he said.

Kakashi rolled his eyes and added, as if in explanation, "We watched some stand-up last night after the stag party and it plunged him into the depths of psychological despair."

"Yup. That's about right," Shikamaru said.

"Okaaaay…" I said, casting an apprehensive look at Asuma, who was still gazing out at the mist and the water and the distant lanterns on the far shore. "So how exactly did the plunging come about, because – and correct me if I'm wrong here – isn't comedy supposed to make you laugh?"

Asuma turned round and fixed me with such a haunted, angst-filled look I almost burst out laughing then and there. I know. It was not very sympathetic of me, but honestly, it's not as if he's the first man to experience pre-wedding jitters. The way he was acting, though, you would have been forgiven for believing it was indeed the case, and that he was the only one who had ever had second thoughts about marriage and the only single, tortured soul who had been consumed by guilt for thinking those thoughts and thus no one in the world could understand his agony and that obviously they'd have to delay the wedding or even call it off. At any rate, it was clear he had been working himself into quite the state, so with a sigh, I prepared myself for the first bout of damage-control of the weekend and lent a sympathetic ear as Asuma gave voice to his inner turmoil.

"You wanna know what happened, Sasuke?" he said, misery etched on every line in his face. "I'll tell you."

"We all went for drinks at the stall next to the strip joint in Fun Fun Street. There was a big gang of us," he said, counting on his fingers, "me, Kakashi, Shikamaru, Chouji, Kiba, Lee, Shino, Iruka, Yamato, Gai, Ibiki, Aoba, Hayate, Ebisu, Genma, Kotetsu, Izumo – everyone. It was awesome. We had a couple of drinks and then we went into the club and some of the guys got a lapdance – not me, though, because I was thinking about Kurenai and she'd kill me if she ever found out. And not Gai and Lee because… well, you know about that straight edge thing they've got going on. So anyway, once the strip joint closed, I went back to Kakashi's with Shikamaru and we watched some TV and drank a few beers. There was this guy on doing stand up talking about divorce. He starts asking people if they're any newlyweds in the house and this guy puts up his hand. I can't remember what all the jokes were, but the comedian guy said something that just totally made me re-think the whole wedding thing.

He said, 'What'd you go and spoil it for all by proposing?'"

"Ah," I said, nodding as everything was finally made clear.

"Yeah," Asuma said, taking another drag of his cigarette. "I mean, what he said… it's totally true. And it got me thinking. What if we _are_ spoiling what we've got? The past couple of years have been a blast. Working, chilling, going out with the guys and the girls, getting the apartment together, hanging, talking, sexing – all the cool stuff, you know?"

"And you think the good stuff will end if you get married," I said frankly, a half smile twitching at the corner of my mouth.

"Not exactly," Asuma replied, looking sheepish. "It's more like… well… when you get married, that's when all the really serious shit starts. You start out with flat, rent, girlfriend, cat and then without you noticing it creeps up on you and turns into house, mortgage, wife and kids. It's freaking me out, Sasuke."

"Wouldn't you like to buy a house with Kurenai?"

"Well… yeah, I guess so, but—"

"Would it kill you to have a mortgage?"

"I can take it or leave it, to be honest."

"Would it make you happy to call Kurenai your wife?"

"Of course, but—"

"Don't you want kids?"

"At some point, yeah—"

"Then what, pray tell, is the big, screaming deal?"

Asuma sighed a shuddering sigh, stubbed out his cigarette and ran a hand through his hair.

"I don't know, Sasuke," he moaned. "I don't know. I guess… I think… I mean… I was kinda comparing what we've got with other people. Like you guys," he said, pointing at Kiku. "You and Jiraiya. You're not married and you're having the time of your lives."

"Yah," Kiku giggled, "but we're kinda having a baby, so that's, like, totally different."

"No, no, no, that's not what I'm getting at. You're having a kid with Jiraiya, right?"

"Yah."

"And you know once it's born and it's there and you're arguing about it and bad shit's going down you won't leave Jiraiya, or Jiraiya won't leave you, right?"

"Yah."

"So you know you're serious about each other and you don't need to get married to let the world know about it."

"Okay, I kinda get ya now."

"And you and Oro," Asuma said, turning and pointing a finger at me. "I mean, seriously, do you ever see Oro getting married?"

I thought about it for a fraction of a second, and even those images conjured up in such a short space of time were too alien for me to contemplate, so my swift answer was a clear and resounding no.

"Me neither," Asuma said. "And do you know why?"

"Why?"

"Because marrying spoils all the fun and takes the options out of a relationship. That's what he said. If you're with someone, but not married, you choose to be with them. He said it means more. Shows a bit of loyalty. On the other hand, if you're married, you're legally bound to that someone, and even if you end up hating their guts and you wanna leave and get the hell out – well tough shit, because some old bastards hundreds of years ago laid down a law saying you can't and everyone else goes along with it."

"Is that what he thinks?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"Yeah," Asuma said, lighting up another cigarette. "I heard him telling my parents about it when he broke up with Kimimaro and my mum was on his back about settling down."

"It does make sense…"

"I know!" Asuma exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. "And then there's you, Kakashi. I mean, you're the perfect example. You don't even need a girlfriend to be happy because you can make casual stuff work—"

"Asuma," Kakashi warned, "you are not using Orochimaru-sama and I as an excuse to call off your wedding."

Asuma held up his hands and backtracked hurriedly under Kakashi's stern glare.

"Whoa, man. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that none of you guys are married and you're all perfectly happy."

"You're assuming I'm happy."

"Aren't you?"

Kakashi's expression darkened. There was a short pause during which he turned away. "You already know about Ayame," he muttered. "I don't want to talk about it."

Instantly, my gossip receptors went into overdrive. "Who's Ayame?" I asked, turning to Asuma for answers.

"It's Ayame, the girl who works at Ichiraku Ramen," he said, trying to suppress a grin.

"_Like, oh my god, that's my sister!!_" Kiku squeaked, trying to keep her voice down but failing miserably as her excitement bubbled over, making Kakashi sigh in a long-suffering manner.

"Yeah," Shikamaru said, chipping in. "Kakashi's being trying to get at her for ages. He keeps asking her out, but she never says one way or the other."

"Man, what's up with her?" I asked, outraged on my old boss's behalf. "Girls love Kakashi. They've always loved him and that mysterious, aloof, well-read but unattainable batchelor act he's got going on."

"Iruka is what's up with her," Asuma replied, taking a drag.

"What, is she going out with him?" I asked, incredulous.

"Nope. But he likes her too. They're both fighting for her. Funniest damn thing I've ever seen."

Briefly, Kakashi turned round and informed Asuma how glad he was to hear that his misfortune amused him before sinking once again into his sullen sulk. Kiku, however, was tickled pink by the news that her sister had not one, but two handsome admirers.

"Like, oh my gawd!" she said, clapping her hands with delight. "That is _so_ totally awesome. I mean, like, seriously, she's so lucky cos you're both, like, way hot – though Iruka's got that cute, little scar across his nose—"

"Excuse me," Kakashi interrupted, pointing at the thin, dark streak that ran down the length of his left eye, "but Iruka's not the only one with a cute scar."

"Yah," Kiku said thoughtfully, "it's cute and all, but Iruka's is all like 'whoa where'dya get that?' and yours is more like 'oh look guys, it's Scar from the Lion King!"

I swear I almost wet myself at that one. Really. I hadn't laughed so hard in ages, and to judge from their reactions, neither had Asuma, or Shikamaru. We were all clutching at each other, howling with laugher and valiantly attempting to draw breath, and when Kiku realised that what she had said was incredibly funny, she joined in and was seriously in danger of dropping the kid right then and there as her mascara started to bleed into her tears of hilarity. Kakashi, however, did not see the funny side and he called us all sorts of nasty names. In retaliation, I began to sing the chorus of "Be Prepared" from the Lion King, which only made us all laugh harder and ended with Kakashi walking off in disgust.

I hope Kakashi hasn't fallen out with me. He's not answering my texts.

Oh well. At least I accomplished my damage-control related goal. Asuma has been cheered up no end (by none other than a Disney joke, who would have believed it?) and he went off to his room, whistling "Be Prepared" and chortling to himself. I was still sniggering when I opened the door to the bedroom and found the boss inside, in his nightshirt and just about to fall into bed. He inquired as to what had amused me so and I repeated the series of Lion King related jokes Kiku and I had fired out at Kakashi's expense. Unfortunately, the boss had never before seen the Lion King, so in order to explain the joke, I had to make him watch it.

Since the Sarutobis don't have a ready and available collection of children's DVDs, I had to scour the internet for the movie. Thankfully, some kind soul had uploaded it onto Veoh, so the boss and I jumped into bed, snuggled up and watched it on my laptop. An hour and a half later, the boss delivered his positive verdict on the movie, citing the opening number as a "highlight" and the killing of Mufasa as "memorable". He also laughed rather a lot during "Be Prepared" and said he never realised Kakashi was so conniving, although his alliance with the hyenas did go some way towards explaining his unnatural love of dogs.

Eventually, I was forced to turn off the internet because we ended up dancing around the room like idiots, playing "Be Prepared" on loop, and it was getting late. The boss, at any rate, will have to be up at stupid a.m. in order to put on all his clothing, and it'll take me ages to be crushed into that obi. I must say I am not relishing another encounter with it.

Oh well. I'd better shut this thing off and get to bed. I'm going to take the opportunity to do so, as the boss has just wandered off down the corridor to the toilet, humming a few bars of "Be Prepared."

I hope he doesn't bump into Kakashi along the way.

It's the wedding and reception tomorrow, so I should have something interesting to write about. When I say 'interesting' that most definitely does _not_ include drama.

Until then!

January 18th

Thought you would like to know that the ceremony itself went off without a hitch. It was seamless, flawless and devoid of trauma. I heartily congratulate the Sarutobis on their considerable achievement (having taken into account the attendees and the latent potential for conflict.) All that is left to get through is the reception, which is being held in a grand room built specially for entertaining and impressing lots of guests. In order for me to be able to get through the reception without fainting, I have sneaked off to change into something more comfortable. Since Mrs Sarutobi does not keep servants and does not believe in keeping them, the boss accompanied me and kindly helped divest me of my clothing. Unfortunately, during the process of divestment, the boss seemed to decide that he, too, wished to shed his _twelve layers of complicated clothing_, with the view of fitting in a quick shag in the bedroom. In consequence, I have been granted a spare forty-five minutes or so to write a quick update while the boss is darting about like a blue-arsed fly at the other end of the room, frantically flinging on his clothes so we won't be too late in arriving at the reception.

Honestly. I despair sometimes at the lack of self-control he exercises over himself. If I had not partaken of all that sake during the ceremony, I am sure I would be much less forgiving. Ah well. It's done now, and I did enjoy the spontaneous sex. Kurenai and Asuma are still outside having photos taken, so it'll be fine as long as we arrive before them.

I suppose I should write a little about the ceremony, but truth be told, there is not all that much to tell. We all lined up at midday in the courtyard behind Asuma and Kurenai, and filed into the make-shift shrine in procession. The reception-attending guests were all there, waiting outside in the freezing cold and looking forward to being back inside. Even standing next to me – the better looking Uchiha – the boss looked absolutely amazing, and when he swept across the courtyard with me hanging onto his arm, everyone stared. Their faces were a mixture of awe, jealousy and outright admiration. I felt a bit self-conscious and also a bit bad for Kurenai because it was her wedding day, but the boss was loving it, so I held my head high and turned on my Uchiha attitude.

In line, the boss and I were positioned behind Kurenai's parents and her little sister, then behind us came Konohamaru and his mother, followed by Jiraiya and Kiku, Tsunade and Dan, Homura and Koharu, with Danzou bringing up the rear. Kakashi and Shikamaru were up front with Asuma. Accompanied by traditional music, we gracefully filed inside, took our seats, and watched Chiriku the priest (a friend of Asuma's from his days at the monastery) perform his funky little purification ritual. He then chanted at Asuma and Kurenai in a language I did not understand, and they afterwards exchanged three cups of sake. The symbolism of this act escaped me (I might ask the boss later about it, if I remember.)

When the sake drinking was done and dusted, Asuma and Kurenai handed each other their wedding rings, and Asuma, with trembling hands and shaking voice, read the vow aloud. Kurenai tacked her name onto the end, and each turned to present (rather bizarrely) a branch as an offering. Again, the symbolism of this escaped me, but it seemed to please Chiriku the priest, as he smiled and pronounced them married.

It then fell to the rest of us to exchange cups of sake. I presumed this was to represent the union of the two families. I rather enjoyed that part of the process – and not merely because there was alcohol involved. It was during that time I observed Konohamaru being smacked over the back of the head by his mother for taking three helpings of sake and flirting with the miko girl who was serving. I was also witness to the boss creeping up behind Kakashi and whispering, "I killed Mufasa," which made Shikamaru and I laugh so hard everyone stared. And to put the icing on the cake, I was party to a rare act of stunning generosity on the boss's part, when he sidled up to Asuma and Kurenai and placed in their hands the traditional red wedding-gift money envelope. He murmured, "I do not wish to make this public, so have a very brief look and put it away. Do not tell anyone how much is in there, do you understand?"

Asuma and Kurenai nodded warily. Peeking inside the envelope, Kurenai gasped. She handed it to Asuma, whose eyes widened as he took in the contents.

"That's far too much, Orochimaru-sama," she whispered anxiously. "We couldn't possibly— you shouldn't have to—"

The boss smiled secretively and placed a finger to his lips, silencing Kurenai. "No it is not too much, yes you can quite easily accept my gift, and I have done it because I wish to and because I can. Now, I am going over there to speak with your father-in-law. Please do something constructive with it. If I get wind you have donated even a fraction to charity, I shall be most displeased. And remember— tell no one."

They nodded, a shade shell-shocked, and the boss grabbed my arm and swept off towards Sarutobi, leaving me wondering just how much of his hard-earned he had handed over. I really want to find out in a bad way, but I don't want to be so crass as to ask any of them. I suppose I shall never know, unless I break into Juugo's apartment and have a flick through the books. If they buy a house anytime soon, though, I'll have a good idea.

After the sake and pleasantries and surreptitious gift-giving, it was time to line up again and head across the courtyard. At the sight of the newlyweds emerging from the shrine, the assembled guests cheered and hollered, launching rice and confetti at us as we filed past. The majority of the line-up went on through to the banquet room, but the boss and I, as I have already explained, took the opportunity to sneak away so I could change. Thus my update comes full-circle. Which is just as well, really, because the boss has just about finished layering up and wants me to help secure his headdress. I texted Naruto to ask whether Asuma and Kurenai had arrived yet and he said that we still have ten minutes because they're changing too.

God I hope we make it in time.

LATER:

It is ten minutes to two in the morning, and the wedding reception is just about over. Most of the peripheral guests have departed (by that I mean the distant relations and acquaintances less well-known), leaving the close family and friends to party late on into the night. Technically, I should be writing this entry under a separate date. In fact, I think I shall. And I shall give it a title for ease of reference, since I am feeling strangely pedantic. Perhaps I am channelling Itachi. Please excuse me.

January 19th

The Wedding Aftermath

Having thought more deeply about this particular entry than is my wont, having given it its proper place in the space-time continuum of my journal, I have decided that I will dedicate this entry to exploding a stereotype. Namely, the stereotype of friction, drama and histrionics that has built up around the boss and myself. After what I have observed at the reception today, I find it quite the cheek that anyone would accuse the boss and I of being conflict catalysts, since we behaved ourselves _impeccably_ today, getting along quite famously with not a cross word between us. In fact, the only hints of drama were from other quarters, and were nothing to do with us.

I realise you may not believe a word I am saying here, but it is true. For one thing, I spent the best part of the reception playing agony aunt to various parties, listening to them divulging their problems as though I could help solve them. It was quite silly, really, since Neji was there (but then I guess it _was_ his day off, so it would have been rude to ask him to listen to their woes gratis and on demand. I wouldn't have done it if I were him.) On the other hand, though, it is rather amusing to be the only one who truly knows what's going on with everyone – being the only soul in the room who knows the entire story. The Kakashi-Ayame-Iruka triangle of angst is a case in point. If I'm not careful, I'm going to have one of my power trips again.

Thus to stave off temptation (and also for future reference in case I have to blackmail anyone at any point) I shall record the above mentioned gossip in agony aunt style format for my amusement, and with any luck, I'll have time to fit in what happened at the reception.

Here goes.

----

Dear Sasuke,

I am a successful thirty-something, with a good, stable job. I am well-read, have my own property, a car, a diverse stock portfolio, a pension plan and excellent dental and health care. Despite all this, I have a great sense of humour and know not to take myself too seriously. I know this is not a personals ad, but hear me out. The context is vital.

Without sounding like I'm blowing my own trumpet, well… it's never been hard for me to find a girl. Actually, it's so easy, I've been finding myself having to come up with ever more ingenious ways of fending them off, so I can pick and choose the best ones and break it off when I can't be bothered anymore. I've spent years cultivating the image of an unattainable, aloof, yet ideal man, and I'm all but saying "Shaken, not stirred" when I meet a new girl. Now that I've fallen for someone, though, it's all backfired.

I've been asking her out for a couple of months, but she's never told me yes or no – and I'm at my wits' end because I genuinely do like her. I'm worried that she's taken too much store in my image and thinks I won't be good for the long term. To make matter worse, though, I found out my friend Iruka likes her too. Even though she hasn't said one way or the other to him either, it's really put a strain on our relationship. I don't want to back down on this one but I don't want to fall out with him.

What should I do?

Kakashi.

----

Dear Sasuke,

I've really liked this girl for awhile now. She works at the local restaurant, and she's pretty, funny, intelligent and probably the nicest girl I've ever met. The only thing is, one of my best friends, Kakashi, likes her too. He's the kind of guy who has a whole string of girls waiting to go out with him, and he's arrogant and cocky and totally full of himself but acts all cool and disinterested. The girls love it, for some reason, but I can see through him.

It'd kill me if he went out with her and treated her like all the rest. She deserves better than that. The only thing is, I feel I can't compete with him. He is high up on the corporate ladder, is better-looking, has a bachelor pad, reads lots of books and is irritatingly cool, funny and talented. I'm just a school teacher.

I can't back down on this one, but it's beginning to get to me. And I don't want to lose him as a friend.

What should I do?

Iruka.

----

Dear Sasuke,

These two guys keep asking me out, but I'm not really that interested. They're lovely and all, and I like them as friends, but I have my eye on someone else.

How do I let them down gently?

Ayame.

----

Ah yes. The first mini-drama of the day, and something I have come to call the Kakashi-Ayame-Iruka triangle of futility. It is rather tragic, and for two reasons. One, because for all Iruka and Kakashi's efforts, Ayame is simply not interested, and two, because the person Ayame does have her eye on is thoroughly unattainable. That person would be me.

How do I know this? I will tell you.

After the rather wonderful meal provided as a joint effort by the Sarutobi/Yuuhi co-operation, a band trouped out from behind a screen and began to play traditional music. Quite a few of the guests got up to dance, but the boss and I did not. Instead, we contented ourselves with people watching and were greatly amused at Kakashi and Iruka's attempts to coax Ayame into dancing with them. Each potential suitor was politely denied, and, glaring daggers at one another, they retreated to their table to form a Plan B. Asuma was right. It is the funniest damn thing I've ever seen, and I could not help but watch. It was train wreck material, I swear to god.

Completely by accident, I happened to steal a quick look over at Teuchi and Ayame's table in order to gauge her reaction to the stupidity of my two friends and I caught her eye. Smiling, she rose from her seat and found her way through the crowd to sit in Konohamaru's vacated seat next to me at the 'family table'. The boss was in the middle of a conversation with Tsunade and Dan, and wasn't listening, so she was free to speak as she pleased.

"Wow, Sasuke," she said, a little breathlessly. "It's mad in here."

I laughed and agreed, saying that I'd probably need a holiday to recover from it all, at which Ayame giggled, before adding, "It's been so long since I've seen you. In fact, the last time I saw you was when you came to Konoha with Orochimaru-sama and you met everyone outside the restaurant. You were going to Club Fun Fun, remember?"

"Oh yes," I said grimly, recalling the horrible mess that weekend had descended into.

"Then Itachi came to pick you up in that new car and took you to the hospital to get your cast taken off!"

The first alarm bells of suspicion began to ring in my mind. I ran the scenario through in my head and came to the conclusion that there was no way in hell she would've known about Itachi and my hospital appointment. Naruto wasn't there when it happened, so he wouldn't have been able to tell her about it, neither was Jiraiya, and I didn't even know Kiku back then. What, I wondered, was her game?

"Hold on," I said, raising an eyebrow. "How do you know about that? We didn't go to your place that day."

"Oh," Ayame said, raising a hand to her mouth and blushing. "I… well… Itachi stopped by for something in the morning before he went to pick you up. He had some of our special breakfast ramen and told me about it."

"You know Itachi?" I said, genuinely curious.

"Mmm-hmm," she replied, nodding and smiling. "We were in the same year at the Academy."

"Oh yeah!" I exclaimed, snapping my fingers as memories came flooding back. "You went out with Shisui for a while, didn't you?"

"God, that takes me back!" she said, laughing and shaking her head. "You had to bring that up, didn't you. He was my first ever boyfriend."

"Hey, you started the memory lane trip…" I countered. "And I _do_ remember, because you turned up at our house one day with Itachi and Shisui and I wanted to play but Shisui wouldn't let me."

"And then you ran crying to Itachi and told him Shisui wouldn't let you play and he went over and kicked him and everyone fell out," Ayame added, with a sly grin.

"Absolutely," I sniffed. "Serves him right for not letting me play, the wanker."

Ayame shook her head in a disapproving manner. "Oh Sasuke, Sasuke. Such an adorable, little thing, yet so manipulative, even at that tender age…"

In response, my jaw dropped in righteous indignation, and Ayame took advantage of my stunned silence to reach over and pinch my cheek. With a twinkle in her eye, she added, "And you're still the same. Even now."

"I am _not_ manipulative!" I called out, as she swept away from the table and threw me a cheeky backward glance before disappearing into the crowd. "And I would say I'm more sexy than adorable!"

Now tell me that was not a flirtatious display. Although she did not say it outright, I may infer by context that she still finds me 'adorable' – and now that I think about it, she totally blushed when I winked at her as she was signing my cast. It is official. She definitely wants me. She also appears to have a history of Uchiha-fondness.

It really is regrettable, because she is a very pretty girl and could have her pick of the bunch from the Konoha lot. Goodness knows Kakashi and Iruka are trying their hardest to catch her. Alas, alas, for she has set her sights too high. I am an Uchiha, for one, and not only that but I am taken by none other than Orochimaru-sama of Otogakure Enterprises. I hate to have to let her down, but it would be awkward. The boss wouldn't approve, and besides, I'm just not into her. I'd much rather we remain friends.

I hope Kakashi and Iruka never find out. Ha! They'll never speak to me again if the realise the girl of their dreams is in love with me. Sometimes it is a burden being so attractive. It's not all fun and games. Occasionally, one has to break a few hearts, and I don't like doing it.

And speaking of breaking hearts, I shall move on in a timely fashion to the second love triangle. The one I have dubbed the Hinata-Naruto-Sakura triangle of angst.

----

Dear Sasuke,

For years and years I've liked this guy, and when I say years, I really mean it. I'm talking kindergarten here. The only thing though is that I'm painfully shy and up until recently I could never find the courage to ask him out and he had no idea how I felt.

We went to a festival this summer, I got into trouble, and the guy I liked saved me from being stomped into the ground in the middle of a frenzied crowd. He took me to the first aid tent, one thing led to another, and I've been going out with him for a couple of months. Things are going… okay. I mean, it's long distance and it's hard, but I guess I'm willing to work through it.

There's one big problem, though, and it's beginning to get me down.

The guy I like was in love with this other girl for ages, but every time he asked her out, she turned him down. But now that we're going out, it's a whole different story. She's been really weird with me and she always finds excuses to bring the guy I like into the conversation and she always talks about all the stuff he used to do for her before we started going out. She still talks to him all the time on the phone and she tells me about it to my face.

I think she might be trying to steal him from me.

Please give me some advice, Sasuke. I really like him and I don't want to lose him.

Hinata.

----

Dear Sasuke,

Ever since I can remember, I've been friends with these two guys: Naruto and Sasuke. We hung out as kids and went to school and university together. Somewhere along the way, things got kind of complicated but not so complicated that it endangered our friendship. I developed feelings for Sasuke, and Naruto had a crush on me. Naruto always asked me out, but at the time I turned him down because I liked Sasuke.

I regret it now, because when Sasuke moved away to take that job in Otogakure, I realised just how wonderful Naruto is. I even told Sasuke that at Christmas and said that I wanted some time to put my feelings into order before I did anything about it.

I didn't count on another girl stealing him away from me.

You might think it's selfish, and you're probably right, but it's unfair! He's only going out with her because she threw herself at him at Tea in the Park this year. I'm certain he still has feelings for me, because you can't just stop loving someone over night – so why is he doing this?

I have to get him back. At all costs. Please help, Sasuke. I'm cracking up here.

Sakura.

----

Yes. I think you will get the picture from that brief epistolary-style exchange. The Hinata-Naruto-Sakura triangle of angst is a little more difficult to deal with, since there are actual and potential relationships at stake, long-term crushes and a whole minefield of deep-seated emotions to be navigated through. To be perfectly honest, I don't know how Naruto is going to get through it without breaking any hearts. I'm just glad it's not my problem, that's all I can say!

How did I managed to get the inside scoop on this one? Well, while I was chatting to Ayame, out of the corner of my eye I could see Naruto dancing with Sakura, flinging her about, both laughing with reckless abandon and not caring they had deviated from the traditional money dance format in which one is _supposed_ to dance with the bride or groom. I could also see Hinata sitting at the Hyuuga table, glancing over at them, looking anxious.

The precursor to the Hinata confessional was another case of having accidentally caught her eye. As Ayame vacated Konohamaru's seat, I looked over, and since she seemed fraught with apprehension, I did the gentlemanly thing and gave her a little nod and a wave to let her know that, yes, I had taken note of Naruto and Sakura's inconsiderate behaviour, and that if pushed I would do something about it on her behalf. The next thing I knew, Hinata was sitting next to me, spilling her innermost secrets not only to me, but to the boss as well (he was obviously fed up listening to Tsunade and Danzou arguing about office politics and turned back to me for some interesting conversation). To have confided in the boss like that, she must have been worried.

For a moment after she sat down, her eyes darted between the boss and I, and a hot blush bloomed upon her cheeks. She fidgeted and stuttered until the boss took pity on her.

"What ails you, my poor, little lamb?" he said with as much kindness as he is able to muster.

"I w-want to ask Sasuke a question, if… if that's okay, Orochimaru-sama" Hinata requested politely, bowing her head.

"That's fine with me, Hinata," I replied encouragingly. "You don't have to ask. Fire away."

Galvanised by my affirmative response, she smiled and straightened up a little, though her face was still bright red. "I- I wanted to ask… I mean… Sasuke, does Sakura like Naruto-kun?"

Not a facial muscle twitched as I fought to sustain my carefully neutral expression. I knew right then and there that I had to lie to her because I didn't want to drop Sakura in it. I also knew I had to lie convincingly because the boss was watching me like a hawk, a sly smile lurking at the corners of his mouth. He had detected strife-ridden gossip, and clearly wanted to see how I would deal with the situation.

"Not as far as I'm aware, Hinata," I lied, feeling incredibly guilty all of a sudden. "Sakura has not said anything to me, at any rate."

"Well… you see… I think she might. Might like him, I mean," she replied, biting her bottom lip.

"Why do you think that?" the boss interjected with feigned concern, having thankfully wiped that horrible smile from his face.

"I… well… It's strange. I- I didn't see it right away, but it was the little things. Sakura and I used to get on really well. At work, we'd all go out for lunch with Ino, TenTen, Shizune and Kurenai and… and we'd chat and talk about life stuff, and it was nice. B-Before we were going out, I'd talk about Naruto, and Sakura would always listen. Once, she even said she'd put in a good word for me, a-and I believe she really meant it at the time.

B-but now that you've gone away, Sasuke, and now that I'm with Naruto-kun… things are different."

"How so?" I asked, fearing that Hinata was actually right on the money about Sakura's jealous streak.

"Well, she… w-whenever I talk about Naruto-kun, she always finds an excuse to… to get up and leave, or… or she always talks over me or changes the subject. She arranges nights out when she knows we have a date planned and even took him out for ramen. A-and she's been… awkward with me. I mean… we used to talk all the time, but now she won't even look me in the eye."

At that point, even I couldn't look her in the eye. I stared at the shiny, black lacquered surface of the table, my hands clasped in front of me. I pretended to give thought to what she was saying, but all the while I was desperately trying to come up with a feasible excuse for Sakura.

"Do you think that's what it is, Sasuke?" she whispered, her expression almost pleading. "D-do you think she likes Naruto-kun?"

"Sounds like it to me," the boss said loudly and insensitively. I wanted to smack him. "Of course, it is not what I would do. If it were me, I would simply take what I wanted. Evidently, Sakura-kun is more subtle in her machinations—"

The boss shut his trap rather abruptly because I kicked him hard under the table. He rolled his eyes and poured himself another cup of sake, taking heed of my warning for him to stay the hell out of the situation no matter his fondness for shit-stirring, but also flashing me a warning look that said 'you will pay for that later'. I didn't much care at that moment.

"Hinata," I said, leaning over and taking both her hands in mine. They were small and soft and warm, perfectly suited for such a gentle soul. "As far as I know, Sakura doesn't like Naruto. She has never said anything to me. Now I don't know what's been going on because I haven't been about, but I'm sure it's nothing – and if anything comes up, you'll be the first to know. Honest. You've got to remember that they're friends, and they have been since we were little kids, so they'll probably do stuff together that other people don't. You get my drift?"

A small, shy smile lit Hinata's pretty face and I felt like the lowest of the low. She stood up, smoothing the creases in her kimono, and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yes, I understand, Sasuke," she said quietly. "And… and you're probably right. I might be overreacting. Maybe she's just being protective of him… like Neji's protective of me."

Then she inclined her head politely, a distinctly Hyuuga habit that had no doubt been bred into her, and said, "Th-thank you for your advice, Sasuke-kun, Orochimaru-sama," before she scurried away to the Hyuuga table.

There followed a prolonged pause during which I could feel the boss's eyes boring into me. I looked up, and sure enough, he was staring at me – his expression a mixture of smugness and amusement.

"Oh Sasuke-kun, we are a villain, aren't we?" he said in a low tone.

"Shut up, will you," I snapped irritably, my guilt still eating away at me. "I didn't want to lie to her."

"My, my, dear Sasuke-kun," the boss replied, raising an eyebrow. "I was not admonishing you! Heavens no. You know I find you extremely attractive when you are being devious."

"I'm not being devious," I muttered. "I just didn't want things to get worse. I'm fed up with drama."

"Then if you don't want things to get worse, you'd best talk to that one," the boss said matter-of-factly, gesturing over his shoulder Sakura, who was still tearing around the dance floor with Naruto, acting like a kid. "If all parties are not involved, it is impossible to effectively police matters to one's satisfaction. You should know this, Sasuke-kun. Have I taught you nothing?"

So it was that, inspired by the boss, I stalked over to my idiot best friends, ended up dragging Sakura from the impromptu dance-circle and over to a quiet corner of the room for a little chat. I intended on speaking to Naruto later, but, I reasoned, I would deal with Sakura first and get it over with. She can be quite feisty when cornered, and I figured that Naruto was probably clueless (and by alerting him to the potential problem he would freak out and do something stupid.) The only advantage in my confronting Sakura was that our years of friendship meant I did not have to be economical with the truth or beat about the bush with her.

"What's up, Sasuke?" she said, still a little breathless from all the dancing as I sat her down and stared at her.

I came right out with it.

"What is going on between you and Naruto?"

Instantly, Sakura's expression became guarded. There was a brief pause. Then she folded her arms and said, "I saw you talking to Hinata. Did she put you up to this?"

"Hinata didn't put me up to anything," I countered, "for she is a thoroughly decent human being and tends towards believing the best in everyone. All she asked me was whether you liked Naruto – because it's so damned obvious with the way you're behaving.

Dammit, I had to lie for you, Sakura!" I hissed. "Do you know how _hard_ it is to lie to Hinata? Do you _know_ how guilty it made me feel? Lying to Hinata is like kicking a puppy. Or smashing a kid's sandcastle. Or telling the invading army about the refugees you have hiding in your attic so they don't line you up against the wall and shoot you—"

"Okay, okay, Sasuke!" she said, irritated. "I get you. Just shut up about it, will you. It's not like she's perfect or anything."

"No, she is not perfect," I reasoned. "But at this moment in time, she is going out with Naruto and you really need to stop actively trying to sabotage their relationship, because it's not fair to—"

"Fair?" Sakura interrupted, her eyes suddenly wide and her tone chilly. "_Fair?_ Don't you dare talk to me about fair. It's not fair _she's_ with _him!_ It's not fair that she stole him from me just when I realised I really did like him! He never liked her before. He never even talked about her.

Dammit, Sasuke, Naruto should be with me!" she said at the last, her words finding release in a strangely strangled cry as though it took all of her strength to utter them. That probably isn't far off the mark. I've never heard her make such a definite statement regarding Naruto before. If only he could have heard her…

"Look," I said in a soothing, diplomatic tone, attempting to placate, "I know you like him, and I know you feel it a terrible injustice and all that jazz, but please… don't do anything stupid, okay? And if you do, you could at least be a bit more subtle about it."

"I can't promise anything, Sasuke," she said with a strange half-smile as she stood up and offered me a hand, helping me up. "You should know yourself. All's fair in love and war. Would you honestly stand back and let Kimimaro get his hands on Orochimaru-sama?"

"Never, never, never in a thousand million years, Sakura – and you know that."

Her strange half-smile turned into one of a small victory, and she said, nudging me, "Well you can't talk then. Now, I'm going back to my table to talk to the girls – and if it makes you happy, I won't dance with Naruto, but I can't guarantee that I won't do anything else. Don't worry, though. Even you won't notice, Sasuke, because I'll be subtle. I'm gonna divide and conquer – hell, I might even take lessons from your boss."

I opened my mouth to inform her that I did not think it the best idea, but she was already dancing away through the crowd, waving to Ino and TenTen. Defeated, and feeling like I had only made things worse by offering her a convenient rationale for her underhand game of seduction, I wound my way through the crowd, intent on returning to my table. On the way, I was waylaid by Kurenai, who insisted I dance with her, then Naruto (who also wanted to dance with me) and Jiraiya, who demanded to know what all the Lion King jokes were about. Having dealt with each of them in turn, including a moody Kakashi who berated me for enlightening a gleeful and merciless Jiraiya, I finally trudged back to the table, weary and grateful at the prospect of a sit down – only to find Kimimaro at _my_ seat right next to the boss!

I swear, I cannot turn my back for a minute and he's attempting to worm his grubby little way into the boss's affection. It's very stressful, and I'm starting to get really damn tired of his crap. I knew he was a threat, because the boss was smiling at him as Kimimaro spoke. The boss cannot resist a pretty face, and Kimimaro had doubtless ensured he took full advantage of that fact. He was bedecked in a white and scarlet kimono and had his hair piled up in an androgynous, tumbling up-do, secured in place with silver pins. There was a koto sitting just behind him on the floor, and I knew then with a sinking feeling that it was his, that he had probably been asked by the Sarutobis to play, that I would have to sit though his more-than-likely flawless, virtuoso performance, pretend to like it and put up with the boss going on about it for ages afterward.

I knew that if I spoke to the boss then and there, I would snap at him and start an argument, so I sat down in a foul mood in the first available vacant seat – close enough so I could keep an eye on him and break it up if it came down to that. Unfortunately, this vacant seat happened to be close to Kurenai's little sister – an irritatingly curious twelve year old, who delighted in bombarding me with a series of awkward questions. No sooner had my arse touched the floor than the little perisher began her merciless onslaught.

Our conversation went something like this.

Kurenai's evil sister (whose name escapes me): "Hey, I know you. You're Uchiha Sasuke!"

Me: "Do I know you?"

Kurenai's evil sister: "I was at the ceremony! Didn't you see me? I'm Kurenai's little sister. Though I suppose you wouldn't have got to speak to me much cos my mum didn't let me have any sake cos she's a total bitch."

Me: "Ah, I see. Pleased to meet you."

Kurenai's evil sister: "Yeah, pleased to meet you too, mister. Hey, can I ask you a question?"

Me: "Of course."

Kurenai's evil sister: "Why did you kiss that guy with the fancy kimono earlier?"

Me: "Well, we're seeing each other. That's why."

Kurenai's evil sister: "Ew, gross. Does that mean you're gay?"

Me: "… no. I like men and women. I'm bisexual."

Kurenai's evil sister: "Oh, okay. But does that still mean you have butt sex? Because my friend told me that all guys who like guys have butt sex."

Me: "What?"

Kurenai's evil sister: "Butt sex. You know. Sex with butts."

Me: "Yes, I know what you mean. Should you really be asking me this?"

Kurenai's evil sister: "Yeah, but do you?"

Me: "For your information, yes, I do. Regularly. And I enjoy it immensely. Though that does not mean that all gay men have sex that way—"

Kurenai's evil sister: "Ha ha! I knew it! You have butt sex with that guy!"

Me: "… so, are you enjoying yourself?"

Kurenai's evil sister: "Yeah. All the grown ups are talking about each other. It's really funny."

Me: "Are they, now? And what have they been saying?"

Kurenai's evil sister: "Well my mum said she feels sorry for you."

Me: "… indeed? Why, pray tell, would that be?"

Kurenai's evil sister: "She says that that guy over there that you're going out with has two of his exes here and that there's no way in hell she'd tolerate it, no matter how much of a big shot he is."

Me: "Oh really?"

Kurenai's evil sister: "Ya really. Then my dad said if only he was so lucky, and my mum laughed and slapped him. So why does he have all his old boyfriends here? Does he not like you?"

Me: "Don't be ridiculous, of course he likes me. We just happen to work in the same place."

Kurenai's evil sister: "Well, he seems pretty interested in that guy over there with the koto…"

At that point, I must confess, I had had as much as I could stand of the snot-nosed little arsehole and her moronic babble, and I turned to face her, mustering up all the cold, snooty Uchiha attitude I could muster and said, "Well, at least I'm not a mistake."

Her gormless, twelve-year old face twisted into an expression of puzzlement.

"Say what?"

With a nasty smile worthy of the boss himself, I reiterated my position. "I said at least I'm not a mistake."

"What d'you mean by that?" she asked, suddenly cautious.

I leaned forward, taking care to summon all the powers of disdain I could muster and enlightened her. "Think about it," I said, matter of factly. "Your parents are Sarutobi's age. Kurenai is in her thirties. You would have been born when your mother and father were already geriatrics and claiming a free bus pass. You cannot possibly believe you were planned. It therefore follows logically that you were an accident. Not wanted. A mistake…"

Her expression twisted again, but this time into one of crashing realisation. My heart soared. I had wounded a twelve year old girl.

"And what's more," I added, while I was on a roll, "well… children are not normally born to couples so advanced in years. It's rather rare. Extremely rare, in fact. So rare that it could almost be deemed unnatural. I guess that makes you a freak as well as a mistake. Apologies."

Oh how the tables turned when I delivered that final, crushing, double-whammy of a blow! Girls are so sensitive at that age. Almost inevitably you might say, tears sprung to her eyes and, with a trembling lip, she stood up and ran from the room.

Now I don't know about you, but I call that a successful day's work. Successful not only in that I achieved a small but relished victory, but it also caused the boss to look up from his conversation and notice me.

"Sasuke-kun!" he admonished, beckoning me over and frowning slightly. "What are you doing over there? Come and sit by me…"

This did not please Kimimaro, for he rolled his eyes and said, "Then I will take my leave of you, Orochimaru-sama. It is my turn to perform next, and I should like to warm up beforehand."

Oh yeah sure, you lying sack of shit. If I hadn't turned up to spoil your little party, you wouldn't have bothered your arse about 'warming up'. Honestly. He's such a serial liar. I refuse to believe the boss cannot see through that passive aggressive nutsack from hell. I refuse.

"I look forward to it as always, Kimimaro-kun," the boss replied courteously.

What he didn't see was the smug look the Freak threw over his shoulder just for me when the boss turned his back.

This brings me to the third letter of the day.

----

Dear Sasuke,

I am a total tool.

I am twat, a turd and a pig. Oink, oink. I am also a hairy, gibbering, dribbling mongoloid and I smell bad. Really bad. Like boiled piss, or a dumpster in July, or like my mother's skid-marked underpants that I like to smell because I fancy her. Ewww.

Speaking of my mother, and my family in general, I am such a tool that even they treated me like crap. They packed me off to boarding school as soon as I was old enough and pretty much abandoned me. Personally, I am not surprised. Even I think I'm shite, and that's saying something, because it takes a lot for me to bring my only two brain cells together to process cogent thought.

Did I mention that I'm thick as pig shit?

Oink, oink.

Anyway, I'm trying to break up this relationship that my boss has going on with his favourite, most clever, talented and handsome employee. I used to go out with him, but I had my chance and blew it. I've changed my mind, but I'm not having much luck. No matter how hard I try, I cannot compete against my colleague. He is so wonderful it makes me weep at night just thinking about it. That, and I'm a fucking moron. I mean I'm only even here because I caught a disease. I totally recovered from it, but I'm milking it for all it's worth, since it's the only weapon I have. Every time I cough, my boss comes over and asks how I am and it pisses the other guy off. Really, the only good thing about me is that I once had a disease. That is how much I suck.

In consequence, I tried stooping to new lows in order to humiliate my rival at this wedding we all had to attend, but I did not account for his awesomeness in my dirty, little scheme. In fact, it backfired tremendously, and as a result, I look like a complete fool.

Please teach me to be as brilliant as you. Otherwise, there's not much point in living.

Yours truly and oinking away like the dirty porker that I am,

The Diseased Freak from Mizugakure.

----

Yes, I know. Restrain your shock and outrage, for Kimimaro did indeed try his hardest to humiliate me in front of over a hundred wedding guests, my friends, prospective in-laws and the boss – and I can only presume he did so because unlike Hinata he does not have a decent bone in his body.

Before the conniving dick-wipe stepped up to entertain us, we had to sit through the speeches delivered by Sarutobi and Kakashi. Sarutobi's was quite touching, for he ended up tearing a little and publicly hugged his youngest son, saying how glad he was to see him settling down and that although they had had their differences, he would always be proud of him.

Kakashi's speech was more in the traditional vein of best man and contained a few anecdotes that, judging from the way Asuma seemed to slide further and further down in his seat, he would rather have remained unsaid. The boss and I had a smirk at the story Kakashi told about the time Asuma had passed out, drunk, at a house party and a nameless perpetrator (I'm thinking Kakashi) had gathered an audience, pulled his pants down, drew all over his arse with a permanent marker and then stuck a half-smoked cigar in his butt-crack as the piece de resistance. The nameless perpetrator then took a photograph as evidence and a hundred copies of that very photograph were passed amongst the wedding guests by Kotetsu and Izumo, who conveniently appeared right on time, grinning and armed with photo-filled cardboard boxes.

Now I think about it, that was damned funny, actually. I'll need to high-five Kakashi for that one later…

But I am straying from my main point – which, dealing with my general wonderfulness, is an extremely important one.

After the speeches and the hugs and tears and well-wishes, Sarutobi rose from his seat and announced to all and sundry that the festivities would begin in earnest.

"The first to perform is a very brave and talented young man who has only recently recovered from a grave illness. I first had the pleasure of meeting him several years ago through Orochimaru, and he performed then for my wife and I, astonishing us with his ability." Smiling, he stepped aside, making a sweeping gesture towards the stage and said simply, "I give you Kaguya Kimimaro…"

All around us, the lights dimmed, fading into darkness. The only light was a single spotlight trained upon the centre of the stage. The assembled guests clapped politely as Kimimaro appeared on stage in his red and white patterned kimono. I, however, not clap, being unable to bring myself to even feign courtesy.

There was an expectant hush as Kimimaro settled himself, kneeling in front of the instrument, picking a few strings to test the tuning. Satisfied, he smiled and reached for the microphone in front of him, fixed to a stand, and pulled it towards him. He spoke with characteristic feigned modesty.

"Sarutobi does me too much honour," he said in his low, cultured tones, inclining his head, "but I am grateful to be here, and grateful to have the opportunity to perform for you on this most auspicious occasion. Due to my long illness, I have not performed for some time. Thus, I am rather out of practice and I apologise for any lack of skill you may perceive. Tonight, I have in mind a piece first taught to me by my great teacher, Sawai-sensei. It was composed by her late husband, Sawai Tadao, and is called _Sanka_."

As soon as he began to play, I knew for a fact he must have practiced like a madman on the piece, because (and I deeply grudge this praise) it was excellent. He played like a pro, his fingers flying so quickly over the strings and with such grace it seemed as though a dance. He must have had formal training since childhood at that posh boarding school he went to in Mizugakure. The piece itself was complex and mesmerising, so much so that I almost found myself caught up in it, forgetting that the person I hate most in the world was the one playing it. The boss was definitely caught up in it, for I took the chance to steal a glance at him, wanting to note his reaction. He was gazing, unseeing, towards the stage, his fingers gracing his lips, smiling slightly. Kimimaro's performance obviously met his approval.

The rage was bubbling inside me, but I could do nothing about it. I was positioned at the family table, in full view of all the other guests, and thus was obliged to be on my best behaviour. So I smiled and watched and tolerated, but I was seething inside. Even though the whole room erupted in applause as the sound of the final note echoed mournfully throughout the room, the end of the piece couldn't have come soon enough for me. Kimimaro rose with studied grace and bowed deeply. A few seats along, I heard Kurenai's father murmur, "Prodigious talent. Wonderful. Quite wonderful…" and my fists clenched so hard I thought I would open them to find my palms covered in blood.

It was torture.

It was also during the tumultuous applause that Kimimaro decided he would try his luck at humiliating me. Leaning over his koto to grab the mic once again as the applause died down to a few scattered claps here and there, he opened with a few cursory thank-yous before moving swiftly onto the main item on his agenda.

"I do thank you. It makes me happy to know that my skill, perhaps, has returned to me. It also makes me happy that you appreciate my playing so, and Sakai-san's beautiful piece. My audience clearly possesses impeccable taste and judgement when it comes to beautiful music—" he said smoothly, with a slight smile on his fat, ugly face. He paused ever-so-briefly for effect, and I swear he turned and looked directly at me as he said this, "— with perhaps one exception."

He began to sing the chorus of _Take On Me_.

Up until then, I must confess I had not really given thought to how many people had viewed that YouTube video of me making a fool of myself in a bar in Amegakure, but from the laughter that erupted in the room, I had gravely underestimated the numbers.

Everyone turned round to look at me, and I swear I was ready to murder. All I could see in my slowly reddening field of vision was Kimimaro, standing on the stage in the spotlight, singing and smirking all over his face. I wanted to take his koto and do terrible things to him. Garrotting him with the strings. Snapping the ends off and shoving them up his massive arse. Picking the damned thing up and smashing it repeatedly over his head until his thick skull caved in. Those were salient among the dark thoughts that rushed through my mind in that horrible moment. I also considered forsaking entirely the koto in lieu of simply wrenching open his ribcage with my bare hands and extracting his still-beating heart before consuming it raw, howling and foaming at the mouth like a madman, before a hundred-strong audience. It really was a viable option at that point, but I did not relish the thought of eating something raw. The last time I ate steak tartare I was stuck to the john for two days, and that would've been too much like a revenge from beyond the grave if I had gone ahead with it.

The Freak knew exactly what he was doing. And the worst part of it was that I could do nothing about it.

That's why it came as such a shock when he unwittingly offered me a lifeline.

Kimimaro probably viewed it as the final nail in the coffin, but just as I had seriously underestimated the number of people who had seen the YouTube video, Kimimaro had seriously underestimated my awesomeness and my ability to please a crowd.

Laughing his irritating, smug git laugh, he addressed me directly and shouted, "Uchiha-san! The time has come to redeem yourself. Why don't you come up here and show everyone what you can do?"

That was a direct challenge, and everyone knows that Uchiha do not back down from such challenges. I have always known very well that my brother possesses a terrifying propensity for competitiveness and have always seen myself as somewhat more laid-back. That was until Kimimaro called me out on stage in front of a room full of people. I swear I don't know where it came from. Single-minded, I rose from my seat (which prompted a great cheer from the wedding guests) rolled up my sleeves (I actually rolled up my sleeves – that was how much I meant business) and strode towards the stage. Sitting at the right hand side was a group of hired musicians who were due to perform next. One of them, I noticed, was carrying a tsugaru shamisen.

Perfect.

Politely, I asked if I could borrow it for a moment in order to school my most hated enemy in the ways of awesome. The musician laughed and told me to knock myself out. So with the shamisen in hand, I hopped up onto the stage and beamed at the crowd, holding it aloft like a trophy. I could hear Naruto and Sakura whooping and hollering and I waved at them, playing up my friendlier side. I can tell you right now, Kimimaro's face was a picture. He did not expect me to appear on stage with a shamisen and he did not like it one bit. Since he had afforded me no courtesy, I treated him similarly, and snatched the mic from his hands.

"Thank you, Kaguya-san, for such a wonderful introduction," I said, turning on the charm as all eyes were on me. "And thank you, too, for the opportunity for me to, in your words, _redeem_ myself. I have decided to take it up, since what better way to show my nearest and dearest and the glitterati of Konoha that not only can I sing surpassingly well, but that I can also proficient in an instrument!"

The audience laughed at my ironically arrogant quip, and I knew then that I had them.

"Some of you may know my brother, Itachi. Some of you may also know that my parents died young in an accident, and that therefore our education was a matter for the state. As part of our education, Itachi and I were obliged to learn an instrument. My brother is perfectionist, and decided that he wished to learn three instruments at once, and thus became gifted in the shakuhachi, the piano and the violin. I contented myself with the tsugaru-shamisen.

Unlike Kaguya-san, I did not have a famous teacher to guide my fingers. Unlike my brother, I was not possessed of an excessively perfectionist nature. I practised obediently as a child, turned up for my lessons, sat my exams, passed them and developed more of a casual love for my instrument. I love it because it's fun to play and it's lively and it requires a bit of soul as well as technique.

Now, I don't know if this'll work out, so forgive me if I make a lot of mistakes because I'm going to play something most of you here will probably know – since you're possessed of _such_ good taste."

The last part was a dig at the Kaguya Freak. I winked at him as I said it so that he was left in no doubt as to my meaning. He rolled his eyes and swept off stage behind the screen. That was fine by me. It left the floor clear and no one else could absorb or spoil my brilliance by getting in the way.

I smiled my most winning media smile that I learned from the boss, removed my tuxedo jacket, grabbed a stool from the corner of the stage, sat down on it and began to play tsugaru-jonkarabushi - the only halfway decent classical song in terms of liveliness and impressiveness that I know how to play. I lied through my teeth when I said I had sat all my exams. Itachi sat all his music exams and passed each one with distinction, whereas I sat a couple here and there, passed them all but never achieved such a high standard. I always crack out tsugaru-jonkarabushi whenever I find myself forced to play because people like it and, more importantly, it impresses them and makes them think I am better at the shamisen than I really am.

This time round was no exception. I hammed it up, really I did. I hit the strings with the bachi like a nut-case and I even got carried away and improvised a little pause in the middle in which I stamped my feet and clapped my hands to the rhythm (which earned me a huge cheer). The best part, though, which came to me in a moment of serendipity for which I shall be forever grateful, was when I came to the end of the piece and turned the last note of my classical piece into the first note of Aha's Take on Me. Through this, it was made evident to the audience that I was laughing along with the joke, could take a joke, and was also willing to laugh at myself. It proved a winner because, I swear to god, the whole room exploded with laughter and enthusiasm. Before long, everyone was singing along with my strange, impromptu shamisen rendition of Aha's Take On Me, and by the end, everyone was on their feet, shouting for more.

I knew I had to end it there, though, for the other musicians were waiting to come on, and it would have looked bad if I'd hogged the stage. Grinning from ear to ear, I relinquished the shamisen and accessories to the musician and jumped down from the stage. When I returned to the table, I found the boss gazing at me, starry-eyed.

"You play the tsugaru-shamisen," he said somewhat absently, staring up at me from the floor.

"I do," I said, still grinning.

"You never told me," he said, pouting.

"You never asked," I retorted, my grin turning into a wicked smile as the boss stood up, grabbed my arm and dragged me along to the bedroom. He unearthed a shamisen from somewhere in the house (I think he said it was Asuma's old practice one) and forced me to play my one piece again before he pounced and subjected me to a thorough molesting. Despite the rather bad beginning, I think I might have just won that one.

Therefore, the scores currently stand as follows:

Sasuke - 1.

Retarded Oinker from Mizugakure – 0.

Honestly, though, if I had known the boss had such a liking for the shamisen, I would have used it as ammo ages ago.

Oh well. I'd better pop along to the pavilion and show my face. Don't want anyone to think I'm being anti-social – after all, I have just spent a couple of hours in the bedroom with the boss.

LATER:

I have just had the most curious conversation with the boss. It is very late and I am awfully tired (the boss is lying next to me, already asleep) so I don't want to be too long, but I have to write this down. It has the potential to be quite momentous.

As planned, the boss and I changed back into our clothing and headed along to the pavilion where the party was still going on (to my relief, the boss decided not to wear his complicated twelve layer ensemble of strife and opted for his trusty creamy white kimono.) All the old Konoha lot were there, laughing and chatting and doing stupid things under the influence of alcohol, I got chatting with Naruto, Sakura and Kakashi and it felt like old times again. It was strange, but halfway through the night, I suddenly felt a pang of homesickness and I found myself not wanting to leave. I realised that I do miss my friends, I miss having them around and I miss my old town. That was not a convenient revelation to experience during the middle of a party and it brought down my mood. Since I did not want to spoil anyone else's night, I unobtrusively retreated to the outer edge of the pavilion where the winter's chill could be felt and I watched snow fall upon the surface of the garden lake.

It was not long before the boss noticed and sat down beside me.

"What is wrong, Sasuke-kun?" he whispered in my ear, punctuating his request with a kiss on my cheek.

"Nothing you need trouble yourself with," I replied, smiling, not wanting to spoil his fun because I knew he would want to hear all of it if I even so much as hinted at the truth.

To my surprise he abruptly stood up. Laying a hand upon my shoulder, he murmured, "Wait here. Do not move from this spot. I shall be back momentarily."

Wondering what the hell he was up to, I waited, despite the fact that my nose was getting cold and I had to stamp my feet to keep my toes from freezing. Ten minutes later, he appeared with two rolls of duvets, our winter coats and a drawstring bag crammed with various, angular bits and pieces. Smiling in a rather mysterious way, his eyes glittering with repressed excitement, he held out his hand.

"Come, Sasuke-kun," he said, as I took his hand and he led me down the pavilion steps. "I have something to show you."

Snow began to fall as we walked across the garden. It was pretty in an odd, desolate way, with snow and icicles hanging from the trees and the lake appearing a dark, forbidding shadow in the frozen ground. There was a little red bridge hung with lanterns blowing gently in the chilly breeze, and I followed the boss as he crossed it, leading us away from the hubbub of the Sarutobis' beautiful house and down a narrow path which went up further into the hills. It was pitch-black and cold and deathly silent, but still we walked until the boss ground to a halt beside me and said, "Here."

I had not noticed it, but there was a dirt path leading between a thick copse of trees. As it was very, very dark in there, I voiced my doubts and enquired as to whether the boss really knew where he was going. He got a bit snippy with me at that point and informed me that he knew the place like the back of his hand, and he grabbed my arm again and propelled me forward.

"It's through here, Sasuke-kun. Don't be difficult…"

I was so glad he forced me along that dark and scary forest path, for at the end of it I was greeted by the sight of a secret pavilion, away from the main building, with its own little garden and pond. It was further up the hill and through the clearing you had a great view of the Sarutobi home and of Konoha itself, which appeared a great sea of glittering lights on the horizon. It was beautiful, and I said so. The boss smiled, agreed with me, and told me he used to come up here all the time as a teenager whenever he had a need for solitude.

This pavilion was not open to the air like the other ones, and the boss had to open the doors with the keys he had borrowed from Sarutobi. It was cold and dark inside, but the boss had brought matches to light the oil lamps and the fire, so that was soon dealt with. He also found a cupboard in which were many oversized cushions, which we piled in the middle of the floor to use as a bed. It was lovely. I said my only regret was that you couldn't enjoy the fabulous view outside because the pavilion was enclosed, at which point the boss pulled back the shutters, revealing floor to ceiling windows, and I kissed him.

It was a long kiss, one I think I shall remember for a long time to come. Not because it was technically proficient, or it led to anything, or anything of the sort. It was more because I really felt that kiss. It was spontaneous as all hell – but I felt it – and I think the boss did too. When he pulled back for air, he reached up, placing both his hands on my face, tilting it upward. He regarded me for a long moment with that strange expression I never know how to read and then he said, quite randomly and without warning, "I do not believe in marriage, Sasuke-kun."

"What?" I said, a little bemused by what I viewed as a change in tack.

"I do not believe in marriage," he repeated. "Do you know why?"

I knew the answer to this one.

"Because you feel it shows more loyalty to remain with someone out of choice than being forced by law."

The boss's eyebrows shot up in surprise and I almost laughed.

"How did you know that?" he asked, eyeing me with suspicion.

"Asuma told me the other night," I replied, grinning slyly, releasing him from his paranoia. "He was using your unconventional views as an excuse to freak out over the prospect of marrying Kurenai."

The boss shook his head, and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against him. "It appears Asuma has a big mouth," he muttered darkly.

"This coming from the man who can fit thirty-five grapes in his at once," I retorted in a cheeky manner which earned me a further kissing from the boss.

Almost inevitably, you might say, we moved across to the pile of cushions in the middle of the floor and continued our kissing with a view to progression to second base and a subsequent home run. You might be interested to know that I do not 'do' third base (this is not for the lack of the boss whining at me and asking me to, though, which irritates me immensely and only decreases his chance of ever going there with me). And while we were stepping up to the bat, as it were, the boss murmured in my ear, so quiet it was but on the cusp of audibility, "I meant every word of it, Sasuke-kun."

At the time, I didn't think anything of it because he was taking off my pants and I could see all the tiny lights of Konoha and was struck by a sudden, yet swiftly fading bout of paranoia at the thought that some weirdo somewhere might have a telescope. But now I've had time to consider it, I feel it might mean something. Maybe. If I look very hard. And squint.

I think it might mean that maybe the boss really does like me.

Despite the cold, I am feeling strangely warm and fuzzy inside. The boss is lying next to me, monopolising the use of the greater part of the duvets, as per usual. He's not flailing, which is a good sign, as it means he's not stressed about anything.

Does that mean I've won?

* * *

AN: I'm starting to get back into the Shippuuden anime and I've loved the latest episodes. I think I'm beginning to like Hidan quite a lot as a character. He's batshit mental. XD It also helps that the team behind the anime have finally seemed to realise that Naruto has a lot of potential to be something really special and they're taking it and running with it. I love it. Keep it up, Shippuuden team! :)

Also, I was quite surprised by some of your reactions to the Kimi interlude. I had to do it, though, because in the middle of writing this chapter I suddenly realised, 'Wait, there is no threat here. Sasuke has only told people there is a threat, but it's not convincing enough because no one else can feel it.' Basically, I needed you to feel convinced by the threat of Kimimaro, and maybe I overdid it in the end... XD

So, I'm going to shut up now and get on with what's important. The thank yous!

**NaruGuru** (Oh your reaction to Kimi is the same as mine. I feel very sorry for him. No one deserves to be so hung up on someone who doesn't love you back. But the jealousy is destructive and he's only going to cause trauma. I wonder how you'll feel about this chapter with the Sakura/Naru/Hina strife. At least Sakura's being proactive about the situation, though, and has ceased her bitching, so she is in with a chance, definitely!)

**NayanRoo** (Man, I'm sorry my need to make you 'feel the threat' caused you such much strife. But then, I kind of understand it because you put your readers through hell and back in Shadowplay all the time! I mean there's the whole 'Madara, stay the hell away from Oro and Sauce - you shall not make Sauce cry by hurting Oro' and the 'U TOUCH HINATA AND I'LL SMASH.' I'm rather behind in catching up with all the Shadowplay goodness, so tomorrow night after my meeting with my supervisor, guess what I'll be doing?)

**Sehpi** (I totally understand your preference for my Sasuke compared to canon Sasuke. My Sauce reflects the bare bones of canon - and when I say bare bones, I really mean it. XD There's the arrogance and the Uchiha pride, competitiveness, and the emo-kid elements, but this Sasuke is more given to feeling and occasional bouts of random niceness and human frailty. Human frailty is definitely a quality canon Sasuke lacks, but that's just Kishi building him up as a foil for Naruto, so I sort of understand it.)

**foreverloved** (Hello again! Nice to see you on the review boards. Lol, chapter 34 gave you chills? Damn, maybe I did overdo it a bit. XD See, I'm quite strange in that my favourite genres to write are pretty much lightyears away on the genre scale. I go from humour to horror with a bit of angst floating somewhere in the middle ground, so I guess that was my other side coming through a bit with Kimi. I cannot say whether Oro and the Sauce will make it unscathed, but I definitely have everything planned. I have it sitting next to me, actually.)

**LunaLunak** (Oh your review did make me lol. It also made me feel incredibly guilty, because I was all like 'Whoa, this chapter has caused Luna Lunak no end of brief, but deep-seated emotional trauma.' I mean, I did need to make you feel the Kimi threat, but I'm thinking that maybe I did overdo it a bit. I write horror and angst one-shots on the side, so I'm used to writing unstable people. You totally caught on to everything as regards the chapter, though. Kimi doesn't realise Sasuke had to give Oro his permission to visit (though I think Oro would have done it anyway) but he's very aware of the power Sasuke exerts over Oro. It'll should be interesting to see how you guys react to the coming chapters.)

**YoungSasuke** (Thanks for the nice comment on my style. I worry about the style of this fic, sometimes, because Sasuke's voice is so formal I sort of thing sometimes 'Is that too formal?' but it's nice to know it's working. :) As for Kimi, well, I'm thinking it's a funny mixture of both. He knows very well what his meddling will do and I don't think he cares about the fallout as long as he ends up with Orochimaru. Although I think he seriously underestimates how much Oro likes Sasuke and how intense the fallout might be if he breaks them apart. Heavy stuff, lol.)

**Cyaniona** (Yay, hello again! I kind of like talking to my reviewers so it's good that you're still here. You hit the nail on the head as to why I had to show you Kimi's POV during the interludey thing (I don't know the technical term for it either, lol). The threat had to be real, or you wouldn't have been convinced by Sasuke's time-skip recap telling you that Kimi is a threat. I don't think you should be lulled into a false sense of security after this chapter, because you know how persistent Kimi is. If anything, the stakes have been raised, but Sasuke is definitely up to the competition. We'll see how it goes.)

**Ladyrouge214** (A new reviewer? Yay! Yes, Kimimaro plotting is a very dangerous thing, and god knows he's had a lot of time to think about it, having been stuck to a hospital bed for the best part of five months. Hope you liked this chapter, and that the Kimi plotting part makes sense.)

**Violet** (Hello again! Your review made me lol quite hard. Having Kimi die would have been the easy way out, but I love a good bit of drama (trans: I love torturing Oro and the Sauce) and if Kimi had kicked the bucket, then there wouldn't have been nearly as much. Up until now, they've had it comparatively easy. This is a real test of their relationship. If they get through this, they can get through anything. It remains to be seen whether they will or not. I am saying nothing. ;-) )

**Chromde** (Thanks for the chapter approval. I was a bit worried about it, since including it was purely for a functional reason (even if I had a ball writing it - I love writing weirdos) but it seems to have gone done... relatively well (if by well I mean having people going "NOES WTF KIMI!!1 D:" and being terrified as to what's coming next.) I'm guessing I can count you in the NOES!!1 D: camp? XD Or, more accuratley, the RAWR :( camp. The koto is a type of stringed instrument. I'm glad I mentioned it last chapter, because I've just realised the end of this one is a crash course in traditional Japanese instruments. You can find koto examples on YouTube (though the first time I looked for one, I found this awesomely catchy and incredibly cheesy 80s Italian space-synth song about Jabba the Hut from Star Wars. It was a wtf moment, but I loved it.)

**chibibaka1** (I am beginning to fear your powers of observation, because your point about Kimi sketching the freaky Goya painting is something I had not thought of but fits the bill perfectly. He fears Sasuke suceeding him, and wants to destroy him at all costs, but the question is whether or not Sasuke is Jupiter. If he is not, Kimimaro will destroy him. If he is, Kimimaro will find his downfall in Sasuke. Man, what a great comment. Never even thought of that myself. My initial reason for including it was because Kimi was in a less than stable frame of mind and Goya's Black Paintings are pretty reflective of the darkness of the human soul. I could have gone for Hieronymus Bosch, but maybe not for a sketch, lol.)

**Nozomi-sama** (I blush a deep and furious red. Thanks so much for the nice comments. I haven't written proper angst in a while, and all of a sudden, chapter 34 appeared and a rather angsty one-shot. I used to write a lot of angst for other fandoms. Maybe I'm getting my angsty-mojo back? Yay! Oh, and I also like writing horror, which kind of helps with the whole slightly disturbed Kimi thing. XD Humour and horror. What a combination! It's funny, though, because even though I know Kimi is going to try his hardest to break up Oro and the Sauce, even I feel for him. I guess that came through in the last chapter. He has been through shitloads, and I think everyone seems to forget that the only reason Kimi is so fucked up about Oro is because of the way Oro encouraged his submissive behaviour and was quite content to let Kimi flatter him and put him on a pedestal. Bad Oro!)

* * *

Thanks again, guys! See you next chapter. :)


	36. Chapter 36

A Day in the Life

* * *

Well done to Ted Hankey for winning the World Masters Professional Darts Championship! (Yes, I do watch darts. It's the people's sport - and also the sport of procrastinating university students. XD)

Now I don't often do this, but Chromde wanted to see the repercussions of Sasuke being a jerk. I think Sasuke might just be able to provide... ;)

* * *

March 30th

Uchiha Sasuke. Reporting for duty. Wearing my full metal jacket and ready to unscrew your head and shit down your neck.

True fact.

I am Uchiha Sasuke, Chief Operating Officer of Otogakure Enterprises, the most successful and most innovative medical and pharmaceutical company (which semi-secretly trades in experimental bio-weapons) on the continent. Sometimes, I think people forget this, and it is almost always to their detriment.

You may remember a conversation I had with a twelve year old girl back in January. You may remember that that girl was Kurenai's little sister. You may also remember that she was extraordinarily rude to me and that, in self-defence, I retaliated with a few well-placed verbal barbs of my own. You may remember that when I had finished with her, she ran from the room, snivelling, at which point I permitted myself a mental victory dance before turning to matters more important.

Well, I didn't. I forgot all about it. That was until Asuma sent me a most amusing email last week.

----

To: Uchiha Sasuke (practicallyperfectineveryway at otogakure-enterprises . org)

From: Sarutobi Asuma (chainsmokingbeardedpimpdaddy at konoha-suna . org)

Subject: Trouble Brewin'

Hey dude,

Just want to clear something up because we've been having some trouble with the in-laws. Kurenai's little sister Suri has been saying you told her she was a freak and a mistake at the wedding because ma- and pa-in-law had her pretty late on in life. She shut herself up in her room for ages and wouldn't come out, but when she finally did, she told her parents all about it. They're pretty pissed.

Only thing is, Suri is kind of known for making shit up, so I said I'd ask you if it was true or not so they don't try to take it out on me and dad. If it is true, then man… I fucking salute you. The girl's a pain in the ass – a real spoiled, little princess. It's about time someone took her down.

Asuma.

----

When I read his email, I had a brief "huh?" moment as I cast my mind back to the wedding, trying to recall the day's events in full, before I grinned a truly evil grin, the memory of my victory surfacing bright and clear against the hazy backdrop of love-triangles, dancing, silliness and angst.

Immediately, I hammered out a reply.

----

To: Sarutobi Asuma (chainsmokingbeardedpimpdaddy at konoha-suna .org)

From: Uchiha Sasuke (practicallyperfectineveryway at otogakure-enterprises .org)

Subject: Re: Trouble Brewin'

Asuma,

It was me, and I am unrepentant. You want to know why I said all that stuff, though? Because I bet you this month's pay-packet she never said a word about this.

She came up to me and asked me if I was going out with the boss. I said yes and she started saying that it was gross, that it was unnatural and that she hated all gays and that it should be made illegal (never mind that I'm actually bi.) She also asked if I "had buttsex". I'm telling you, Asuma, it was really embarrassing. I was just angry, I guess, and I sort of retaliated. I may have overdone it a bit.

Sorry if I got you and Kurenai into trouble. I'll apologise to Kurenai next time I see her, but there's no way in hell I'll do the same for Suri.

Sasuke.

----

Job done, I sat back in my big, evil overlord chair at my desk and sipped at my coffee. I remember the coffee because one of the underlings who was on the coffee run brought some in. I didn't even have to ask for it – it was simply delivered to me. Very good it was, too.

Nothing much else happened for a few hours. I had a meeting with Karin, Kabuto and the boss; I went to the Staff Lounge for a chat; finished a report; shouted at a few people, that sort of thing. By the time I had finished, I was a little weary and was ready for an end of the day coffee before going off to find the boss and go home. Upon my desk, my coffee was waiting (my underling really is very good) and I sat down and checked my emails.

Imagine my surprise when I found this little gem in my inbox.

----

To: Uchiha Sasuke (practicallyperfectineveryway at otogakure-enterprises. org)

From: ~*Suri Sexsu*~ (c4mwh0rehawt4u at hotmail. com)

Subject: Fuckin gayboy

yeh im talkin 2 u Uchiha u fukin homo!

i herd wut u sed bout me an I red evrythin cos Asuma left his comp on lol he iz a fukin moron so who haz da last laugh now eh??????? me dats who cos i haz like 7000 friends on myspace an we r so gunna fuk u over gayboi!! ur gunna wish ud nevah ben born u piece of shit!! its u an not me who iz da MISTAKE and da FREAK!! i fukin haaaaaaaaaate u so much i want u to DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!

well later u fukin turd. i hav better things 2 be doin than spendin my time talkin 2 a lowlife liek u.

----

I laughed so hard, I cannot tell you. At the end of it, my sides were aching tremendously and I had to take one of the man-sized tissues from the box on my desk to wipe the tears of hilarity from my eyes. I had never before received hate mail, and had always thought, had I been sent any, that I would have reacted quite differently. With anger, perhaps; indignance, most certainly; and with a definite liberal helping of genuine hurt feelings. I mean, even though it would have been highly unlikely, being generally well-liked as I am, I had prepared myself mentally for such an eventuality. Little did I know my first real hate-mail would send me into fits of hysterics at the emptiness of threats contained within.

Little did I know, however, that little miss Suri intended to make good on her threats. Hindsight is both a blessing and a curse.

I swear to you, not minutes later, emails started coming in thick and fast from all over the place, their obnoxious subject lines roaring:

"SMALL PENIS? DON'T LET THEM GET IT SOMEWHERE ELSE! INCREASE YOUR LENGTH AND GIRTH BY 25 PERCENT"

"Earn £££s by working from home!"

"Thank you for registering with hot housewives. To get your free daily pics, click on the validation link below"

"Cute Kittens! Cute puppies! Your details UCHIHA SASUKE for Daily Cute!"

"3000 free mp3s if you click on this link!!"

"This is not funny, it is a true story and it really happened to me, so please please please pass this on if it gets to you…"

"HA HA HA FUNNY PICS AT FUNNYPICS . COM!!"

"Thank you for registering with fetish . com!"

"Account details for Fat Fucks: hottest fat chicks on the planet here and exclusive."

"¥300 a week will sponsor a poor child in Sunagakure. Make a difference today."

"Thank you for joining the Countryside Alliance Rare Breeds interest newsgroup."

Seething, I could do nothing but watch as my inbox filled with hundreds of spam emails, my alert pinging and pinging and pinging until I had to fight the strong urge to throw the damn monitor across the room. Once I had stopped swearing, I picked up the phone and dialled Amachi.

Within five minutes or so, he appeared at my door and came and stood over my shoulder, watching the spam emails steadily appearing one by one, accompanied by the irritating little ping of the alert feature. He quickly established that I had been spam-bombed and asked if it was at all possible I knew anyone who would have a reason to do such a thing. I showed Amachi the email Yuuhi Suri had sent me earlier and he snorted with derision. Then he asked me if I wanted some quick and dirty revenge.

"Is the boss mental?" I said, by way of affirmation.

Amachi sniggered and said, "Right. Leave this one to me."

To cut a long story short, Amachi found her MySpace profile, hacked into it and managed to retrieve the majority of the emails from everyone on her contacts list. He had already programmed a spam-bomb (something to do with a conflict on the He-Man forums – don't ask) so he sent that to everyone on Suki's list. The icing on the cake, though, was the really nasty little virus he had pre-written (a pimped-out version of Manaical Magistr, or so he said) and attached to an email he sent to her from her boyfriend's account.

It wasn't long before we received another angry email. I say "we" because Amachi had become irrevocably involved at that point and wanted to see how the war was progressing. He takes a lot of pride in his work. The message read:

----

To: Uchiha Sasuke (practicallyperfectineveryway at )

From: ~*Suki Sexsu*~ (c4mwh0rehAwT4u at )

Subject: none

i bet u think ur so fukin smart gayboi. i bet u didnt no id jus go on anuvr comp since u WRECKED mine!! i no dat wuz u who sent out dat virus cos my bf wud NEVAH do a ting liek dat 2 me cos he luvs me unlike ur GAYASSS bf who is prbly screwin dat dude wit da white hair AND da dude wit teh specs cos every1 sez hes a total manslut EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! but yeh am gonna git u for dat u fukin sonofabitch. am gonna git u cos i no guyz who can do dat shit 2!! oh yeh! bet u didn't expect dat you fukin piece of SHITTTTTT!! only thing iz i dunno how u did dat cos ur so fukin STUPID u wouldnt no how 2 do viruses an shit so I bet u have friends an if u do then they must B desprate 2 B hangin bout wit u cos u suck an i hate u u think ur so fukin gr8 it makes me SICK.

ur gunna regret dis an im not jokin.

eat shit an DIE u FUKTAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRD!!!!!!!!!!!!

----

Job done, Amachi and I shook hands, and we walked out of the office together, parting ways at the little pathway that forks one way to the higher ups apartment block, and the other way towards the boss's house. I was still giggling by the time I kicked off my shoes at the front door. Walking into the little TV room, I met Naruto, Jiraiya and Kiku. Kiku was lying flat on her back on the sofa with her head on Jiraiya's lap, and they were watching some anime where a scruffy guy with a bucket hat and clogs was fighting some orange-haired kid. I decided that my day was a lot more interesting, so I grabbed the remote, pressed mute, and proceeded to tell them about my war with Yuuhi Suri.

Turned out Kiku knew her from the Academy. Well, she knew _of_ her, which is more telling, I suppose.

"Oh my god, Sasuke, I totally know her!" she exclaimed, trying to sit up and failing miserably. Her now massive bump has all but taken over her tiny five foot two inch frame. I have suspected for a long time that it might be an alien.

"She was a couple of years below me at school, and I'm tellin' you, Sasuke, she is a _total_ slut. She's only twelve, right, and she's got this webcam thing going where she charges guys through Paypal to see her creaming her panties. Then she can buy all this cool, expensive shit and she walks around the Academy like she's better than everyone else," then Kiku turned to Jiraiya and said, "and she totally started rumours about me when I started going out with you, babe. She must've seen us at that café. She was just jealous cos I had an older boyfriend who treated me right. And because I'm not a nasty ho'bag like her."

I asked her whether she approved of my war against her and Kiku nodded fervently.

"Hell yeah!" she squeaked, punching the air. "Take the bitch down, Sasuke!"

Unfortunately, things started to escalate the next morning. At five minutes to nine, the boss came stomping into Amachi's office and demanded to know why his internet wasn't working. Amachi had not yet turned on his own computer, so he powered up, only to find that he, too, could not access the web. After a series of preliminary checks, in which everything seemed to be working as it should, he tried to access the company website via the backup server. It was down. Suspicious of foul play, he called me up and asked me to come over to IT.

For what felt like the longest time, though it was less than five minutes, I sat on a beanbag chair, nibbling at my nails, as Amachi clicked and clicked and did computer geek things that are beyond my understanding (I believe the word netstat was involved in his explanation, though he was talking more to himself than to me.) Eventually, he confirmed the worst. Otogakure Enterprises was being subject to a sustained DDoS attack and that someone had rigged the thing so that the company's own computers were doing the attacking as well as ones from outside. Instantly, we knew who was behind it. Turned out that she did have some basement-dwelling friends. The little bitch probably flashed her tits at them for money. Pathetic.

We dithered for a bit, panicking, wondering what to do – but there was nothing for it. We had to call the boss and tell him everything.

Amachi made me make the call because, and I quote, "He won't fire you, Sasuke. You're bullet-proof. Just be extra nice to him for the next couple of days or something."

So I phoned and said that Amachi had found out what was behind the crash. The boss thanked me and said he would be round in five minutes. Right on time, he stalked into the room, his expression ominous. He sat down on the chair in front of Amachi's desk, steepled his fingers and said, "Explain."

Stepping rather heroically into the line of fire (if I may say so myself), I began at the beginning with a hesitant, "Well you see, Orochimaru-sama…" as I related the tale of what happened at the wedding, the email from Asuma, the spam bomb, and the retaliatory super spam bomb and virus, which resulted in the current DDoS attack. The boss wished to know what a DDoS attack entailed. Amachi explained. The boss then pressed him for information on how much he would expect to be billed for excessive bandwidth usage. Fidgeting, Amachi found it hard to look him in the eye when he informed him that past cases with big companies numbered in the millions.

The rage blazing in the boss's eyes was terrible to behold. He gripped the arms of Amachi's chair so hard that his long, perfectly manicured nails left raggedy holes in the cushioned leather. Cringing, I prepared myself for a severe bawling out, but it never came. Instead, the boss took a deep breath and smiled a nasty smile.

"Sasuke-kun," he commanded, making me spring to attention. "Yuuhi Suri is a nasty, little whore, though more importantly, an underage whore. Am I correct?"

I said he was indeed correct.

"Then I want you, Amachi, to find out who is behind this. After that, you will rake around in their hard-drives for incriminating evidence. If you find none, put some there and call the police. In the meantime, you will have Yoroi and Mizumi work on ending this distributed denial of service attack immediately."

Amachi nodded and bowed deferentially, before scurrying out of his office along to the IT labs. For a while, the boss and I sat in silence (I cannot lie to you, I was quite terrified) before he looked up at me and said, "You underestimated her popularity didn't you, Sasuke-kun."

"I did," I said, quite truthfully.

"Show me the emails," he demanded. I logged onto my inbox using Amachi's computer. As the boss perused them, I saw his expression grow darker, and by the time he had finished, he looked none too pleased.

"Loathsome little worm," he snapped. "A loathsome little worm who is going to cost me millions in excessive bandwidth usage. A loathsome little worm who is going to be in a whole world of trouble. Give me your phone, Sasuke-kun…"

Without protest, I handed it over. The boss snatched it up and dialled Kabuto. "Kabuto," he said, "I— what? Yes, it is about the DDoS attack. We have located the instigator and are working to trace the perpetrators. I want you to do something about the instigator. Drop whatever you are doing, I don't care how important or interesting it is, and get over to IT immediately."

He ended the call and shoved the phone at me. Then he smiled.

"I think you're going to like this, Sasuke-kun," he said. "I do revenge very well. Especially when it's personal."

And he was right. It was pretty personal. I never thought of it before, but she had trash-talked the boss as well as me. Pity for her, since the boss is downright malevolent and has a vast wealth of resources with which he may be as malevolent as he wishes. Hell, he could have done anything. He could have hired a hitman. Instead, he did something that I think is possibly nastier. He called Kabuto up and ordered him to hack into her computer, collect any slutty webcam videos, chat logs, and all of her incriminating emails and send them to every pupil and staff member at the Academy. He also requested a copy to be sent to her parents and for any videos to be posted on RedTube (that last one was Kabuto's suggestion).

Revelling in the prospect of doing something petty and vindictive for the sake of the company, Kabuto left Amachi's office with a spring in his step, ready to get to work. In all honesty, the boss chose well. I know no one who can do sheer vindictiveness as well as Kabuto. A couple of hours later, Amachi popped his head round the door, saying that they'd managed to trace some of the guys behind it and they had "found" incriminating evidence.

"Then I think you should call the police, Amachi," the boss said smoothly. "Tell them you have discovered the main culprits of a sustained DDoS attack on Otogakure Enterprises and that I specifically request the seizure and inspection of their computers and any other hardware. Feel free to namedrop. In fact, I insist you do so."

Amachi grinned and said he'd get right on it.

The result of all this? Complete and utter annihilation of our foes.

The next morning, all hell broke loose – for Suri, that is. Amachi, Kabuto and myself were afforded the pleasure of lounging around in the boss's office, drinking tea and waiting for the inevitable phone calls. Sure enough, round about ten am, Kin knocked on the door and informed the boss that there was an urgent call for him from Sarutobi. The boss told her to put him through, and he put the phone on speaker and gestured at us to be silent.

"Orochimaru," I heard Sarutobi's familiar voice rumbling.

"Sarutobi-sensei!" the boss said effusively. "What a pleasant surprise!"

"Drop the act, Orochimaru," Sarutobi replied brusquely. "Is this line secure?"

"Of course it is. Speak freely."

"Young Suri is in quite the state. I read the carefully prepared email and attachments that were sent not only to my inbox, but to my son's, daughter's nephew's, Suri's teachers and classmates'. Five young men have been arrested on suspicion of possessing child pornography and cyberterrorism – all related to Yuuhi Suri. Were you behind it?"

"Now why would I do a thing like that?"

"Your name was mentioned in the emails. As was Sasuke-kun's."

"What if I was? Could you prove it?"

Sarutobi sighed, exasperated, after what had no doubt been a long morning that was only going to get worse. "No, we cannot. God knows the police have tried. Suri is yelling to anyone who'll listen that Sasuke-kun was behind it, though there is no evidence to connect anything with you, or your business."

"Are you proud of me, Sarutobi-sensei?"

"Perversely, I must grudgingly admit. I'm only glad you covered your tracks well enough to avoid your own charge of child pornography."

"I did not make the video."

"You didn't?"

"No. I ordered it made and had my instructions for its distribution carried out. She insulted me, Sarutobi-sensei, and my Sasuke-kun. Not only that, her quest for petty vengeance has cost my company a rather large sum of money in excess bandwidth usage, not to mention that every single computer in the north base will have to be inspected for the attacker software and completely reinstalled and upgraded. It has caused me no end of trouble."

A pause. Then, "Are you going to press charges?"

"What?"

"I am asking you to drop the charges."

"And why, precisely, would I do that?"

"Because she is only twelve years old, Orochimaru. You have already ruined her life by publicising her private doings – and Sasuke-kun too, because I have no doubt he is involved in some capacity—"

"What are the charges?"

"Cyberterrorism."

"If she's only twelve, then there's no need for her to worry. She'll get let off with a slap on the wrist. Possibly a fine or open custody if she's unlucky. She won't go to prison."

"Orochimaru, she will have a criminal record. One undeserved, since I have no doubt she was not physically involved in the attack. That, and Mitarashi Anko has threatened to defend her in court—"

"_Fine_. The charges are officially dropped. I have absolutely no desire to get involved with that mad bitch again. I shall have Amachi withdraw his statement. You can tell the Yuuhis. Won't they be pleased?"

"Thank you."

"Instead, I will settle for a personal apology…"

So it was a week later, the Yuuhis arrived at the boss's ridiculously large and imposing home, chauffeured there from the airport by the boss's driver, Zaku. Kurenai and Asuma were there, as was Sarutobi, looking grim. The boss deliberately held his audience in the fancy reception room – the one with the mini-dias and the big, wooden throne of doom he uses when he really wants to terrify people (yes, he actually has a big, wooden throne of doom. The boss maintains it's just an ornately carved, high-backed chair, but _I_ know it's a throne.)

Both the boss and I dressed to intimidate. He sat on his throne-chair and I stood at his right shoulder, looking beautiful, haughty and disinterested as the boss bade me. He beckoned Suri forward, and she shuffled towards us, sulking.

"What do you say to me?" the boss said, the ghost of a smug smile lurking at the corners of his mouth.

"I apologise, Orochimaru-sama, for my actions and for causing you and your business so much trouble. I hope you can forgive me," she replied, doing a damn good imitation of sincerity.

"And what do you say to my Sasuke-kun?"

Suri took a deep breath, gritted her teeth and said, "I apologise, Uchiha-san, for my actions and words that were beneath me. I hope you can forgive me."

I reacted exactly as the boss and I had planned.

"Whatever," I said nonchalantly, rolling my eyes, "I don't care," before stepping down oh-so-gracefully from the mini-dias and walking out of the room. As soon as the door closed behind me and I no longer had to be dignified, I cantered around the dining room like a mad thing, leaping, punching the air, doing fist-pumps – you name a silent expression of victory, I performed it in spades. It was magnificent. It was glorious. It was a taste of absolute victory I never thought I would experience.

It was fucking great.

Not only that, the boss managed to turn it round by suggesting to the Yuuhis that he orchestrate a cover-up of sorts by asking the _Konoha Times_ to print a story saying Suri was the victim of an elaborate hoax, so that her admittance to higher educational establishments in later life would not be jeopardised. He also offered their daughter a coveted internship at the South Base facility and insisted she get through university with intent to work for him. That might sound odd, but the boss later explained that truly conniving and manipulative people like Yuuhi Suri don't come along very often, and that he had a hunch she would be good for the company. Plus, he said, that way he could get his money's worth out of her and she could repay her debts.

At any rate, the offer was gratefully accepted. Kurenai and her parents now think the boss is the best thing since sliced bread and thanked him repeatedly. The boss now officially owns Yuuhi Suri's soul. She cannot lift a finger without prior permission from the boss. Personally, I think that's nastier than hiring a hitman. Serves her right.

It was also announced that the young men who had been found in possession of videos of Suri would not be charged with possession of child pornography, since it had transpired that a program called NetBus had been used to control their computers. Probably just some script-kiddies out for revenge, since the guys all belonged to some hacker group that hung around on the chans. They would, however, be charged with cyberterrorism.

The Yuuhis didn't have a clue what the boss was talking about (and I had the funniest feeling he had been scripted by Amachi or Kabuto earlier on himself) but they lapped it all up. By the end of their stay, they were thanking the boss for his kind generosity and hoping they would see him again soon. In their eyes, he was Saint Oro. I still have no idea how he managed to turn it around like that. He really is very good at manipulating people. I found it very attractive, so after the Yuuhis and Asuma and Sarutobi had left, I pounced on the boss. He was flattered and quite pleased by my reaction. It is rare indeed that manipulation and subtle machination of that despicable level is praised, and I think he was secretly thrilled.

Kiku was also pleased by the events, as it meant she got to have a little chat with Yuuhi Suri. She appeared at the table one night, all pregnant and ever-so-happy with Jiraiya, her older boyfriend, who was hilarious and really fun and clever and had lots of money to spend on her (though the last was more hinted at than explicitly stated because Kiku doesn't care much about material wealth). I think Kiku may have learned something from the boss because, strange as it sounds, she was being rather subtle in getting her digs in at the little bitch from hell who had started poisonous rumours about her in high school. Meanwhile, Jiraiya was being deliberately hilarious, fun and clever just to show Kiku's rival that, yes, she had done very well for herself, thank-you-very-much.

I don't mind telling you that I felt proud.

Speaking of Kiku, her alien is due any time soon. If my memory serves me correctly, sometime… in the next week or so? Yes. That sounds about right. Jiraiya has arranged for them to travel back to Konoha for the birth because he's oddly insistent that his kid be born in Konoha. They're going to stay at Teuchi-san's house until Kiku goes into labour and Naruto has offered to drive them there and back in his big, stupid tour bus.

I'm glad we're not going to be involved, that's all I'm saying. Work has been mad this week, and I'm looking forward to a relaxing, well-earned weekend off tomorrow. Ahhh… DVDs and wine. Lots and lots of wine. It'll be magical.

March 31st

Picture this:

Kiku: "Babe, I don't feel so good."

Jiraiya: "What's up?"

Kiku: "My back… it hurts like… like woah."

Jiraiya: "Don't worry, sweetcheeks. It'll be over soon."

Kiku: "No, seriously. It's way sore. Feels like I'm havin' a fuckin' period or something but it's like ten times worse than normal. Can ya get me some of them painkillers, babe?"

Jiraiya: "Wait… what d'ya mean a period?"

Kiku: "Just feels like _major_ cramps. Damn… that's it. Get me a cushion or somethin'. I'm gonna lie on the floor again."

Jiraiya: "Okay, babe. I'm just gonna phone Tsunade and ask. It's probably nothin', but I wanna check…"

A few minutes later, there was a clatter as the phone hit the floor in the other room. I swear I could hear a faint rumbling noise, growing louder and louder, before Jiraiya came crashing through the door, his hair a-tangle and his eyes a-fire.

"GET IN THE FUCKING BUS!" he roared. "GET IN THE FUCKING BUS RIGHT NOW! YOU'RE HAVING THE KID!"

"What?" Kiku said faintly, from her prone position on the carpet. "What, like, right now?"

But Jiraiya was already distracted. He turned to look at me. It was scary. I swear I could see steam billowing from his nostrils. "Where's Naruto?" he demanded.

"H-He's playing some stupid online game with Kabuto," I stuttered, alarmed at Jiraiya's sudden and ferocious turn of efficiency. "I-In… Kabuto's… room…"

Jiraiya had already sprinted halfway out the room before I finished. Skidding on the polished floor, Kiku and I heard his bare feet pounding down the corridor as he bellowed, "NARUTO! KABUTO! GET DOWN HERE NOW!"

For a brief and surreal moment, Kiku and I were left alone in the TV room. We exchanged a bemused glance before I said, quite calmly, "Want me to get someone to pack some stuff for you?"

"Yeah, sure, Sasuke," she replied, strangely subdued. "That'd be awesome. Thanks."

The model of composure, I headed off in search of an underling. Having found one, I requested that some things be packed for Kiku and be delivered to the bus because she was about to have the kid. At that, the underling hurried off, wide-eyed with concern, snaring another underling as she went, and they disappeared, presumably up to Jiraiya and Kiku's room. Job done, I went back to the TV room to tell Kiku that everything would be cool, only to find that Jiraiya, like a general, had marshalled everyone together. Naruto was there, jigging excitedly from one foot to the other and jingling the bus keys. Kabuto, too, was there, looking sullen. The boss was also present, Jiraiya still gripping his arm where he had obviously dragged him out of his study and downstairs. The boss's expression was rather hilarious: a mixture of shock and hurt dignity I had never before seen him wear ("What did you do that for? I would have come in my own time.")

Jiraiya eyed everyone like a wrathful eagle.

"Good, everyone's here." He turned to me. "Uchiha! Did you ask one of those girls to pack some stuff for Kiku?"

"They're… they're bringing it to the bus," I replied, squirming a touch under his gaze.

"Good. Right then. Everyone onto the bus. Now!"

Like dutiful, obedient troops, we all filed out, Naruto running on ahead to get the bus started. Behind me, I could hear the boss complaining in a petulant tone.

"Remind me again, Jiraiya, why I have to come along?"

"Because you know sciencey stuff, Oro, that's why."

"You have Kabuto-kun…"

"Look, just shut up, Oro and get in the fuckingbus! I need you around as a back-up until Tsunade's not a hundred miles away, okay?"

And so here I am, sitting once again on the upper deck of the bus, speeding along the freeway between Otogakure and Konoha, trying my best to keep out of the way and not catch Jiraiya's attention. With each turn of the wheels, I am being driven further and further away from my peaceful weekend filled with wine and DVDs. Naruto is at the wheel, going hell for leather and honking the horn when anyone tries to overtake us or pull out in front. Jiraiya keeps stomping downstairs, demanding he go faster, but the bus has an upper limit of 80mph, so there's not much Naruto can do. Not that he's bothered. He's just sitting there, foot on the pedal, whistling and singing a stupid song he made up about cute babies from outer space. What a moron.

The boss is sitting across from me, also keeping a low profile. He keeps glancing with trepidation towards the bunks, where Kabuto is tending to Kiku, giving her painkillers and assorted happy pills. I don't think he wants to be here at all. More accurately, I don't think he relishes the thought of potentially having his head anywhere near Kiku's coochie area. Especially not when there's a slimy, screaming head coming out of it.

Ewww… That's proper gross. I mean, of course, I do realise that I, too, was a slimy, screaming head protruding from my mother's coochie area at one point, but I prefer not to think about it. The image may very well give me nightmares.

Thankfully, though, I don't think it'll come to that. The boss was on the phone to Tsunade and she said since it's Kiku's first time, it'll take ages to get past the first stages of labour. Round about seven or maybe even ten hours. This revelation calmed Jiraiya down, at any rate. Since it's seven o'clock in the evening, the freeway is pretty clear, and when it's clear and you're driving flat out as Naruto is, it's possible to get to Konoha in four hours. Add to that another twenty minutes to get into the centre of town and to the hospital. Forty-five or an hour if it's busy.

One hopes Kiku's snatch is not especially stretchy…

LATER:

7:50pm

Oh, lord…

See, this is why I never intended to be involved in the whole birthing process. Women always harp on and on about how wonderful, how emotionally fulfilling, how natural and how beautiful birth is, blah, blah, etc., etc.

No. It is none of those things. Let me tell you why.

Now, given that I am of the XY persuasion, I may only lay claim to the impartiality of an outside observer. From what I have gathered, however, the birthing process is stressful, painful and most certainly not beautiful. Case in point: Kiku, feeling understandably anxious, decided that having a little walk around on the top deck was more conducive to easing her increasingly severe back pain. She took to walking along the corridor between the beds, then down and back up the stairs. At that point, the boss and I had given up on being helpful, and were happily watching Ninja Scroll in the top deck lounge. Just as the blind samurai looked like he was about the chop the good guy in half, there was an ear-piercing shriek from downstairs, most likely in the bathroom. It was Kiku.

The boss and I exchanged exasperated glances, and he got up, twitched the curtain aside and tiptoed over to the stairwell. Pausing the DVD, I followed and stood right behind him.

"Kiku, my dear…?" he ventured, somewhat reluctantly. "Are you well?"

"Like, oh my god, what the hell _is_ that!?" we heard her shout, her voice unnaturally high and trembling upon the verge of hysteria. "It's… it's… it's_… hella _gross!"

From down below, Kabuto's voice answered calmly, "It's nothing to worry about. Your waters are breaking and the mucous plug has come away. Perfectly normal…"

The boss's lip curled in an expression of revulsion. He turned to me and said, in a manner that betrayed his strong wish to be somewhere else entirely, "Mucous plug, Sasuke-kun?"

Feeling slightly queasy, I held up a hand. "Ugh. Don't talk about it. I don't want to know. It sounds disgusting and I will have nothing to do with it. If it's something that needs cleaning, then Jiraiya can do it. That's what he's here for."

So we're back watching Ninja Scroll, but I feel my enjoyment of it has lessened somewhat, since I keep thinking about mucous plugs. I mean, I know Kiku was afraid and all, but did she _really_ have to share that one?

LATER:

10:07pm

Okay, this is getting serious.

Kiku is pretty much ready to drop the kid. She's crawling around on the floor on the top deck, groaning, and the boss is yelling at Jiraiya, saying he's a damned fool for letting his rather snobbish obsession for his offspring to be born within the confines of Konoha lead to this high-speed stupidity. It is snobbish, apparently, because what was wrong with letting the child be born in Otogakure? The boss's parents were both from Otogakure, after all. These were the boss's words, not mine.

This did cause Jiraiya to turn round to his friend and start yelling in his face, informing him that they had to go to Konoha because that's where the OB was, to which the boss did respond with a characteristically caustic comment, and the two fighting morons did forget about Kiku, who did crawl across the floor to Kabuto and did moan and beg for more painkillers. Sasuke, however, did keep resolutely out of the way, and did jog downstairs to ask Naruto how much longer to Konoha, and Naruto did answer, "Another twenty minutes, dude. We're just hittin' the centre of town," and Sasuke did answer, "Thank god. I don't think I can take much more of this. Do you think I should call the hospital and tell them we're arriving or something? I have no idea what the etiquette is, seriously." And Naruto did reply, "Dunno, dude. Maybe they'll just take her in. I mean, they must deal with this shit everyday, right?" And Sasuke did agree with Naruto, and sat with him up front.

God… this is a nightmare. I'm finding myself resenting the kid already. Imagine having the temerity to come early like that! How dare it ruin my weekend off?

Fucking baby.

I might just reconsider buying it something from the hospital gift shop now. That'll teach it.

LATER:

10:42pm

We're at the hospital. When I say 'we', I mean the boss and I, Naruto, Kabuto, Dan, Ayame and Teuchi-san. Jiraiya is obviously present for the birth and is hilariously stressed. Tsunade arrived with Dan not long ago and she marched up to the ward, since she agreed to be Kiku's birthing partner, whatever the hell that means. Dan is just hanging out here at reception with the cool kids, since Tsunade had two glasses of wine before she came here and couldn't drive over herself.

I had forgotten how intensely uncomfortable the seats here are. Whoever first conceived of these toxic blue, ergonomic disasters should be crucified for crimes against product design. Ten minutes on one of these things and you feel like you've had an epidural, your arse is that numb.

At any rate, Kiku got here safe and sound and has been clothed in one of those paper gowns. Last I heard, she was waiting for stage two to start. I have no idea what stage two means, but from what I gathered from Tsunade and Ayame, it involves a lot of screaming. What larks she has to look forward to!

I really feel like a coffee. It's late, and I'll keel over if I don't get a shot of espresso or something, though I don't fancy the dish-water crap the hospital canteen are peddling. Maybe I'll do a coffee run to Starbucks? There's one open twenty-four hours down next to the art gallery and it's only ten minutes away.

Yes. I'm feeling charitable. I'll do a coffee run.

LATER:

11:40pm

I wish I'd never asked. I passed round a square of paper I ripped from a notebook and everyone jumped on it, even Tsunade, who had oh-so-conveniently come down for a brief break just as the list was circulating.

The orders:

Myself – short black x 2

The boss – green tea in a large cup x 2 and a fruit salad bowl

Naruto – large hot chocolate with whipped cream and extra marshmallows, an almond biscotti and a cheese and ham toastie

Kabuto – Americano and a cheese and sun-dried tomato panini

Dan – regular cappuccino and a half tuna baguette

Ayame – small skinny mocha latte and a cheese and ham toastie

Teuchi-san – green tea in a large cup and a sushi roll box

Tsunade – large black coffee x2 and a cheese and sun-dried tomato panini

The cheek of them. I mean, really! Taking advantage and ordering a shitload of food when I was clearly being nice by offering to go on a coffee run. Did you hear that? A COFFEE RUN! Not a food _and_ coffee run!

Bloody ingrates.

At least they've put in some cash. If they hadn't, I would've kicked off big-style – and I don't care if it's a hospital and the sick and wounded need rest and recuperation, I would've TORN SHIT UP!

Oh well. Best be heading off. By the time I'm back, the kid'll be born, it'll take that bloody long to bring all this stuff back. Wait a minute? How the hell _am_ I going to get all that stuff back?

April 1st

12:21am

It's almost an hour later, and I'm back with the food and beverages. Everyone lunged for the boxes as soon as Naruto, Sakura and I set them on the table, balanced upon a tide of tatty magazines. In case you're wondering, I brought Naruto and Sakura along with me in order to solve the logistics problem. Sakura turned up not long before we left for Starbucks, apparently, because Kiku had texted her while we were still in Otogakure (I have yet to verify the truth of this statement, because I know Naruto texted her too).

The three of us had a bit of a time getting there and back. Having not been out on the razz for rather a long time, I forgot it was Friday night, and you have to cross Fun Fun Street to get to the Starbucks next to the Art Gallery. There were queues to get into random clubs spilling out onto the street and there were drunk people everywhere, staggering about. It was not fun, especially when we were walking back with boxes of coffee and bags of food, being shouted at by pissheads, asking us how much the paninis were and if we'd give them one. Silly arseholes.

Because it was late on a Friday night, there was a small queue of clubbers at the Starbucks counter when we arrived (what are the odds?) and Sakura almost got into a fight when this girl in a glittery mini-skirt skipped in front of us. The tired and apathetic student cashier glared at us when we handed him the enormous list and asked us if it was a joke. I said no and that we were willing to pay. Still, it took them half an hour to get everything ready. Then we had to walk back.

I don't care how appreciative everyone is – I am _not_ doing that again.

LATER:

12:45am

Ha. Jiraiya just came rushing down to reception, did a funny, agitated, little dance, muttered, "Shit, I don't even know why I'm here," before disappearing back along the corridor. Seconds later, he reappeared, stopping beside Teuchi-san and Ayame and said, "Err… yeah. I remember now. Was supposed to tell you. It's err… all happenin' now. Shouldn't be too long."

Ayame gasped and her hand flew to her mouth. "Oh my god," she whispered. In the background, Kabuto casually flipped a page of a glossy he found lying around, sublimely uninterested. "Are you okay, Jiraiya? Is Kiku okay?"

"Shitting bricks, but I'm holdin' up," Jiraiya said ruefully, letting all assembled know that it was indeed the case by punctuating his statement with a manly sniff. "So don't worry about me. Kiku's… well… Tsunade and the midwife said everything's normal, so I suppose that's okay. I gotta go, though. I'll be back down in a bit. Maybe. Hey, is that coffee?"

LATER:

1:54am

I am so bored. Seriously. I am still at a loss as to why I had to be here. It would have been perfectly reasonable for Jiraiya to _at least_ take the boss along and leave me behind. There is no need for me to be here. I have contributed nothing save a sole coffee run, and even then it was partly for my benefit. Instead of playing Sudoku wars with Kabuto, Dan, Teuchi-san and the boss at stupid am in a hospital reception (we found some Sudoku puzzles in the backs of magazines and a Sudoku war is basically a race to see who can solve theirs fastest) I could easily be in bed, ready to take the call from Jiraiya announcing the birth of his first child at a reasonable time. Let's say at some point after midday.

Instead, I have been beaten three times in a row by the boss at a ridiculous game that would not have otherwise been invented but to stave off incredible boredom. I have also been watching Naruto and Sakura. Sakura has conveniently fallen asleep on Naruto's shoulder, and Naruto keeps staring at her with a strange, wistful look in his eyes. It's as plain as day that he still has feelings for her. I guess Sakura was right. There is no way in hell, however, that I will be playing match-maker – tonight, or any other night. They are grown adults, and if they wish to do something about it, they can bloody well sort it out themselves. Besides, I am cold, tired, probably smelling of hospital, and my arse is killing me because of these stupid blue chairs.

Jeez… the boss wants to play Sudoku wars again. I would rather eat my own testicles. Fortunately, Naruto has requested I accompany him to the hospital gift shop, having laid Sakura down gently so as not to wake her. In a heartbeat, I accepted. I never thought I would be so glad to go to a hospital gift shop. I never thought I'd ever be bored enough to be glad to go to a hospital gift shop.

LATER:

At 2:12am on the 1st of April, Kylie Noir Moon was born, weighing eleven pounds nine ounces. Kiku is absolutely knackered – and it's no wonder, having had to squeeze out that monster loaf child. Fortunately, birth weight is not a reliable gauge with which one may measure potential future obesity. I checked. Teuchi-san told me that Ayame was also a fat baby – was born with rolls of the stuff, apparently (which earned him a dig in the ribs from his daughter). Ayame is now what I can only describe as svelte, and her gene pool looks pretty good figure-wise, so I'm guessing Kylie will take after her mother and her aunt.

What is rather fascinating, though, is that within the space of a few mere hours, numerous family connections have been made – some new, some existing and reinforced, and one revealed that had been hidden for a long time. News of the latter I'm still trying to take in, if I'm being honest, but it's made a lot of things fall into place.

It all came to light when I went to the gift shop with Naruto and the boss, who, being informed of an alternative to Sudoku wars, chose to tag along. We were hanging around the section with the stuffed toys and I was looking for a suitable, unisex, plush animal that had no rogue bits that could be chewed off and choked upon. I was at the point of deciding between the cute, blue elephant or the equally cute, grey hippo when Jiraiya appeared in a flurry of worry and angst, looking as though he'd freshly emerged from a wind tunnel. Ignoring the boss and I completely, he barged past us and headed straight for Naruto, grabbing him by the shoulder and spinning him round.

"Naruto…" he muttered, still breathless from the sprint he had no doubt made from the maternity ward, "Naruto, c'mere a minute. I need to tell you something. It's important."

Naruto, not being the quickest on the uptake at the best of times, surpassed even his stunningly retarded reputation for taking a goddamned hint. He whined, "Dude, I'm trying to choose a present, here! It's really hard. I can't concentrate when I'm talking to you!"

"Naruto, I'm not kidding. You really need to listen to this…" Jiraiya said, his eyes darting around the room suspiciously.

"Dude, it's cool, really. I'll talk to you in a sec. Go see Kiku or something."

From our vantage point over at the stuffed toy section, the boss and I could see Jiraiya becoming increasingly agitated. To anyone but my bone-headed best friend, it was obvious that Jiraiya was about to reveal something very personal and potentially momentous, and that it was taking a lot of his courage to make the attempt. The boss, therefore, took pity upon him. Striding over to Naruto, he picked up a soft, fleecy blanket from a bargain bin along the way, looped it over Naruto's head and garrotted him with it. While I chuckled, Naruto choked and Jiraiya protested, the boss leaned over and whispered in Naruto's ear, "If my intuition serves me correctly, my incredibly dense, young friend, this will be about your mother and father. So I suggest you listen, and listen well."

Immediately, Naruto stopped struggling, and the boss released him, shoving the blanket into Naruto's unresisting hands, before coming to stand next to me once again at the stuffed toy section. Close enough to hear what was being said (vital, because let's face it, we're both terrible gossips and love to be first in the loop) and far enough away so we could escape if there was any fall-out. Utterly fascinated, I watched them from my safe distance and listened as everything fell into place.

Now, I guess for any of this to make sense, I'll have to tell you what little I know about Naruto's childhood. The first time I ever met Naruto was when I was standing outside the Academy gates with my mother, waiting for Itachi to come out. It was a nice day; the last week before the schools closed for summer, and I had an ice cream. I remember laughing and yanking my hand away from my mother's to run a few paces away and peer over the low wall and through the railings. I was excited, since I knew it would not be long until the bell rang and Itachi would appear in his crisp white shirt and black shorts and backpack. With our mother following just behind, we would walk home together, then we would get changed and go down to the woods to paddle in the stream. That was how it had always went.

Not that day, though. For as I rested my chin atop the warm sandstone wall, I felt a foreign presence to my left. Perturbed, I turned to find a boy standing next to me. He was blonde-haired, blue-eyed and wore a bright orange t-shirt (orange has been Naruto's favourite colour ever since I can remember.) He was also staring at the ground. Puzzled, I stepped away from the railings and looked down to see what the fuss was about. Finding nothing but my red hi-tops, I said, "What're you looking at?"

Naruto grinned and said, "I like your shoes. Wanna play?"

I turned back to the railings and said, "I can't. I'm waiting for my brother."

Undaunted by my negative response, I saw Naruto stand up on tiptoe beside me and loop his arms through the railings. "Is he in there?"

"Yup. He's the best in his class!"

"What's his name?"

"Itachi."

"Oh. That's a kinda weird name. I bet he looks like a weasel!"

"He does _not_ look like a weasel!" I said, indignant.

"I've seen a weasel before, you know! It was light brown and it was really long and thin and big – and fast! It ran away just before I got to it, but I knew what it was! It was definitely a weasel!"

"Oh yeah? How do you know it was really a weasel?" I asked, deeply sceptical of what I viewed as unaffirmed evidence from a strange boy I didn't know.

"Because…" Naruto ventured, screwing up his face as he poured all his energy into forming a coherent explanation, "because… because it was weaselly!"

"Oh yeah?" I retorted, ever the antagonist. "Then where did you see it?"

"Down in the woods behind the row of big houses near Hokage mountain."

"That's where I live!"

"Then I'll prove it! Meet me there later on and we'll find the weasels."

"What's your name?"

"Uzumaki Naruto. What's yours?"

"Uchiha Sasuke."

"Then I'll meet you at the woods later, and I'll prove to you that there're weasels!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

And so I met up with Naruto, the strange, blonde boy with the orange t-shirt, as planned. For reassurance, I brought Itachi along with me, and since he was quite interested in the prospect of seeing weasels, he hadn't needed much in the way of persuasion. For reassurance, Itachi had brought along a book he had found about weasels and a video camera. Itachi quizzed Naruto on where it was he had seen the weasel and from Naruto's account concluded that it was likely there were weasels since, according to his weasel book, they lived in the mountains or in woods near water. Naruto nodded, pleased to have been thus vindicated, and yelled, "Come on! Let's go on a weasel hunt!"

And so the three of us ended up weasel-hunting until the sun hung low behind the trees. I don't think we would've found anything if Itachi hadn't been there with his Big Book o' Weasels to keep us right. While Naruto and I bickered and shoved each other, Itachi was constantly telling us to keep quiet while he looked for weasel poop. Once he believed he had detected said weasel poop (how he could tell, I have no clue) he made us climb up a tree and sit quietly. Down below, there was a lot of deadfall and wood-brush – the perfect place for a weasel to look for food, now that I think about it – and before long, our silence and patience paid off. We saw not only a weasel, but a hunting weasel! There was a big bug sitting on a fallen branch. Silently, the weasel stalked its prey – and then it pounced, crunching the bug gleefully between its sharp, little weasel teeth. Then, when it had finished, it did a bouncy victory dance. Itachi had the camera rolling and caught every minute. It was great. Once the weasel left, we climbed down the tree. Naruto was all puffed up and pleased with himself.

"See!" he yelled, prodding me in the chest with a finger. "I told you there were weasels!"

"Yes," Itachi mused, contemplating the video footage. "You were right, Naruto-kun. There must be lots of weasels down here. I wonder if we could find a den?"

"You could make weasels your summer project!" I suggested.

Itachi pondered for a moment, before he smiled a rare smile. "That's a very good idea, Sasuke. I think I will. I could be an animal behaviourist."

"What's that?" Naruto asked.

"An animal behaviourist is someone who studies how animals act with each other."

"So you get to watch animals all day?"

"Yes."

"Wow, that's awesome! Can I be an animal behaviourist too?"

"I want to be one too!" I added, thrusting my hand into the air, not keen on being left out.

"You two can be my research students."

"What's a research student?" I asked.

"Young people who are training to be animal behaviourists who help out the older animal behaviourists."

"Oh," I said. "Then that's us! We want to be animal behaviourists! Don't we, Naruto?"

"Yep!"

"Then we can all meet back here once school finishes," Itachi said, placing the video camera back into its case. "This Monday coming. Is that okay, Naruto?"

"Yeah! I'll be here!" Naruto said happily. "What time at?"

"One o'clock, after lunch. If you can't make it then, just come down and find us."

"Awesome!" Naruto said, grinning all over his face. "Well, see you guys later!"

Itachi and I did meet up with Naruto again, as planned, and for every day throughout that first summer we knew each other. I never noticed it initially, but Naruto was always there first, was always waiting for us to show, never the other way around. One day, when we were setting up white sheets to attract moths (Itachi had since widened his scope to include a variety of our local woodland fauna), I asked him why he always turned up first. Quite without shame, he replied, "I live at the orphanage not far from here. We get lunch early, and there's no other kids there the same age as me, so no one'll play with me."

"You live at the orphanage?" I asked, genuinely curious, since I'd never met anyone from there before.

"Yep," he said briskly, tying a tight knot onto the tree branch so that the white sheet hung stiff and secure between the two trees.

"Does that mean you have no parents?"

"I did have them, but they died."

"How did they die?"

"Dunno. No one knows. I tried asking Tanaka-obaa-san, but she just smacked me on the butt with her brush and told me to get out her way."

"Then how are you going to the Academy?" I asked, since Naruto had bragged to anyone around to listen (i.e. Itachi and I) that he would be going to the local, fee-paying school. "You can't have a scholarship, like me and Itachi! You're dumb!"

"Am not!" Naruto retorted, leaning forward on the branch and trying to take a swipe at me. "But this drunk old guy called Jiraiya came into the orphanage one day and said he'd sponsor me. How lucky am I, eh?"

"Hmph, yeah, lucky," I said, pretending to be all macho, but I was secretly happy that my new friend was going to be attending the same school as me, and that I would already have a friend to play with on the first day while everyone else was still scared and getting to know each other.

And so it was that Naruto and I walked to school together on the first day, behind Itachi, Shisui and Ayame. It was their last year as elementary students, and the next year, they would walk through the gates on the other side, to the building where the juniors had classes. On our very first day, Iruka-sensei asked us what we had done during the holidays, and when it was my turn, I told Naruto to get up too so we could tell the class about the weasels and all the other animals. Iruka-sensei was so impressed with our summer jobs as research student animal behaviourists working under the eminent Uchiha Itachi, that he gave us the first gold stars of our educational career. At break, Naruto and I went out to play on the jungle gym and a girl came up to us. Her name was Haruno Sakura, and she wanted to know all about the weasels. Despite us informing her, in no uncertain terms, that girls were gross and that we'd never play with girls, she persisted until we caved and let her come sit with us.

The rest, as the incredibly overused saying goes, is history.

As we went through school, Naruto stayed with us all the way – even through university, I can only assume Jiraiya paid his fees – until we graduated and went to work for Konoha-Suna. I had met Jiraiya a couple of times before stepping out into the world of work. The odd parents' night at school, and once in our second year at university, when we were having a drunken night out with Ino, Shikamaru and Chouji, and Jiraiya appeared next to us at the bar with Kakashi, the man who would turn out to be our future boss. The whole night, Jiraiya insisted on buying us drinks and he quizzed us on our future plans. Sakura had wanted to be a doctor, Naruto, a tattoo artist (his career paths veered wildly in different directions every few weeks or so at that time) and I had no clue what I wanted to do. Jiraiya suggested we come work for Konoha-Suna. We didn't think much of it and sort of dismissed his very practical suggestions, until we saw him again at the after graduation party. As the three of us were standing in the cloisters, begowned, with plastic glasses of champagne in hand and worrying about the future, Jiraiya appeared in the midst of the crowd, head-and-shoulders taller than everyone else, and came and stood by us. Grinning, he said, "So, how about those jobs, eh?"

It was strange at the time, but that was then the realisation really hit me. Throughout our lives, Jiraiya had always been there, whether at a discreet distance, as when we were much younger, or right in our faces, offering us jobs, in our early twenties. For Naruto, the connection was even stronger. Jiraiya had brought him out of poverty, gave him a crack at a brilliant education, paid his way through university and offered him a excellent job that cleverer and more qualified people would have chewed off their own arms to get. I had always wondered what there was between Naruto and Jiraiya. At one point, I had entertained the rather silly notion that they were father and son, but rejected that outright when I realised they looked absolutely nothing alike. Still, I knew something was there. And it was in the Konohagakure General Hospital that I finally found out what.

For a while, Jiraiya just stood there, one hand on Naruto's shoulder, looking around the gift shop. I think he was beginning to realise he had a small audience. There was a young couple over at the fridge, who had taken time out choosing drinks to watch and there was the little old lady who ran the shop having a good, long, unabashed stare, as well as the boss and I. Jiraiya sighed and shook his head.

"If you wanna know, kid, then let's go somewhere more private. I don't have much time, so I've gotta make this quick."

"Yeah… sure," Naruto said, strangely compliant, as Jiraiya steered him out of the gift shop.

For a moment, I was rather disappointed, assuming I would not be party to the great revelation, until Jiraiya called out over his shoulder, making me start, since I was not expecting to be included, "Are you two coming or what? Don't try and pretend you weren't listening."

"I- I wasn't trying to listen!" I spluttered, lying through my teeth.

"Sure you weren't, Uchiha. And the Daimyo lives in luxury in the great cavern of my arsehole."

I rolled my eyes at Jiraiya. He can be so crude sometimes.

"Anyway, I figured first thing Naruto'd do would be to run off and tell you, so I'm cutting out the middle man," he continued. "Last chance, Uchiha. If you're coming, you're coming. If you're not, you're not."

The boss gave me a mysterious wink and followed after Naruto and Jiraiya. Shrugging my shoulders, I, too, trailed after them and ended up at the deserted waiting area outside the dermatology section. To my chagrin, they had the same insufferable, goddamned blue chairs. In protest, I decided to sit on the floor, cross my legs and frown. The boss took the seat directly behind me, and I shifted slightly so I could rest my head against his legs, at which point he started stroking my hair with the very tips of his fingers. I felt quite relaxed, and it made it much easier to simply be quiet and listen.

"Naruto…" Jiraiya began, in a graver tone than I have ever heard him use. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just gonna have to come right out and say it…

I'm your godfather."

For a heartbeat, Naruto stared blankly at Jiraiya, before he creased up and started howling with laughter, beating his fist on the linoleum floor.

"You for real, Darth Vader?" he said, giggling, as tears streamed down his cheeks. "Cos if that's true, I should be all like, 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!'"

Jiraiya's face was a picture. Clearly, this was not how he imagined things would go.

"Ha-dee-fucking-har," Jiraiya replied curtly. "Very funny, Naruto. But you got one thing wrong. It wasn't, 'I am your godfather.' It was actually, 'I am your father', though the presence of the _dumb, blonde kid hanging over a fucking precipice_ _is pretty accurate – and if you don't shut the hell up right now and be serious, I'll be throwing you off the damn thing!_"

With Naruto cowed and silenced via the medium of mortal peril, Jiraiya cleared his throat and went on.

"That's better. Now shut up and listen to what I've got to say, because this is important. So, like I said, kid. I'm your godfather. See, I knew your dad really well back in the day. I was his boss for a couple of years. Took him in fresh from university, trained him up, taught him the ways of the world. Pretty soon, he was making a name for himself. Minato was a good guy, a real good guy. Decent, hard-working, talented, and always looking out for the little people. Your mom, Kushina, man, she was a feisty one. Red-heads always are. Took your dad ages to convince her to go out with him, but once she took the bait, she was hooked for life. So was your dad. They were really good together. Wasn't long before they got hitched, found themselves a little place in the suburbs – right next door to where Oro was born, in fact – and then you came along.

I totally wasn't expecting it, but they asked me to be your godfather when I dropped by one day not long after you were born. I wasn't too keen on the idea itself, but I was kinda attached to you, since they named you after a character in one of my porn novels. So I said, yeah, I'd do it. I mean, I figured I wouldn't have to do much, since your parents would be around and stuff…"

For a moment, Jiraiya trailed off and sat there in silence, his head in his hands.

Suddenly, I knew why it was so hard for Jiraiya to tell Naruto about his parents. As memories of being in the boss's gigantic attic, raking around for photographs with Jiraiya swam into my mind, I had a creeping moment of realisation. I knew Namikaze Minato. I had seen his face several times, since he featured in the photo album I made for the boss during our first Christmas together – the grinning, blonde bloke with the good-natured face. The grinning, blonde bloke who was gunned down by the Mizu mafia not long after.

My heart sank.

As Jiraiya continued to struggle, cautiously, Naruto prompted him, "So… so what happened?"

Taking a deep breath, Jiraiya answered, "Just before you were born, your father got promoted. He was in charge of expanding and developing the company in new areas. Unfortunately for him, he set his sights on Mizugakure. The place has always been filled with the scum of the earth up there, and he did his best, but the local businessmen didn't like the thought of Konoha muscling in on their territory. They sent him an ultimatum – pull out or be wiped out. Your father ignored it. Thought he could discuss things round the table, since he was a decent, civilised, human being. Unlucky for him, the Mizu lot were cold-hearted bastards and didn't give a rat's ass about human decency.

You were only weeks old when it happened. Some hired men pulled up outside your house in a black van. They had guns, and only one thing on their minds. They broke into your house and shot your mom at point blank range. Then they came after your dad and got him too. I guess he must've heard the shots and had just enough time to hide you, because the forensics guys found you alive and crying in the attic the next morning. They brought you to me, since I was your godfather…"

Jiraiya had begun to choke up, and Naruto laid a hand gently on his arm. "It's cool," he said, smiling. "Just keep going. I wanna know the story. Please."

Wiping his eyes with his sleeve, Jiraiya smiled a rueful smile and went on. "Well, and god forgive me, Naruto, but I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to do. I was a mess back then. Totally unfit to look after a kid. I was out all night, every night, chasing women, and if I wasn't chasing women, I was necking bottles of bourbon with Tsunade, or jetting out to River Country to go to some mad coke party with Oro. Hell, if I'm being honest, I shouldn't have even been working. After a couple of days, I knew I couldn't hack it, so I called the social and said I was unfit to look after you. They agreed and they came and took you away. Just like that. But before you left, I swore to you I'd look out for you. That even though I couldn't do all the dad stuff, I'd make it up to you in other ways."

At that moment, another tear escaped and slid down Jiraiya's cheek. He caught it angrily with the back of his hand. "Jeez, this is embarrassing," he muttered. Then he turned to look Naruto straight in the eye and said, "But yeah. That's what I wanted to say. That I'm sorry, and that I should've been there, but I wasn't."

For what felt like a long time, Naruto just sat there on the floor, staring at his bright blue trainers, appearing to ponder upon what he had just heard. Then he looked up, his eyes glittering intently, and said, "I've got one question."

"Whatever it is, I'll answer."

"Who did it?"

I swear I saw a flash of hesitation in Jiraiya's eyes before he replied, "They… they never found out. I'm sorry."

Naruto nodded, and then he stood up on stiff legs, stretching out his arms all the way to the ceiling. Then turned to Jiraiya and smiled a huge smile.

"That's cool," he said. "I'm just glad you were there, is all. And don't say you weren't, cos you were! You did loads of stuff for me! You took me out for ice-cream when I was a kid, and when I was grown up, you bought me drinks and taught me about girls. If you didn't get me into the Academy, I wouldn't've met Sasuke and Sakura-chan. You did loads of things, dude! More than you think, probably. And I don't mind that you couldn't look after me. I guess it was best that way, anyway, since you were a coke-head, or whatever—"

"Whoa, it wasn't me who was the coke-head," Jiraiya felt it pertinent to add, holding up a finger. "That was Oro!"

"— and you would've probably forgotten about me or left me somewhere in a park when you were drunk and then… ooooh, and then some aliens would've found me and raised me to do weird cross-breeding experiments with inter-galactic, big-titted, blue alien slaves! Or a creepy paedo would've found me and chained me up in his basement and then I would've been one of those feral kids who can't speak that Kabuto told me about one day, but all the scientists apparently love them cos they don't come along very often and you can't get funded for that shit nowadays."

"Errr… yeah," Jiraiya said exasperatedly, scratching his head. "That's the general idea."

"But it's cool, cos it didn't happen, cos you did the right thing, I guess."

The edges of Jiraiya's mouth curled into a wry smile. "I guess. Thanks, Naruto."

When Jiraiya pulled Naruto into a manly, one-armed hug, I felt it safe to tilt my head back and look at the boss. He was watching them, shaking his head with amusement in his eyes.

"You think we should go?" I asked.

"I think Jiraiya should go," the boss answered, raising his voice so that there was no doubt his old friend would hear him. "After all, the arrival of his first child is imminent, if I am not mistaken."

Instantly, Jiraiya's eyes widened, and I saw all the fear and apprehension come flooding back. Releasing Naruto, he stood up and looked at the little black clock on the wall. Realising the time, he let loose a string of expletives and said, "Shit, I've gotta go! I promised Kiku only five minutes. C'mon, move it!"

We raced back through to the main reception area (the boss walked at a leisurely pace), only to find a rather angry Tsunade standing there, waiting impatiently, her foot tapping, and her hands on her hips. She zeroed in on Jiraiya right away.

"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?" she yelled, grabbing Jiraiya by the arm and propelling him down the corridor. "THE BABY'S CROWNING AND I COME DOWN HERE TO FIND OUT YOU'RE IN THE GODDAMN GIFT SHOP?"

"But, Tsunade, I can explain—"

"I MEAN, I CAN UNDERSTAND IF YOU'RE BORED, JIRAIYA—"

"WHAT THE HELL? I'M NOT BORED! YOU JUST WON'T GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO EXPLAIN—"

"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR LAME EXCUSES—"

"BUT— OWW! SHIT… JEEZ, TSUNADE, THAT HURT!"

The boss, Naruto and I were left standing there, looking bemused. We could hear them arguing all the way along the corridor until the big fire doors slammed closed behind them. Shrugging his shoulders, the boss swept over to re-join the group. I was left with Naruto. He was staring into space and frowning slightly.

"Naruto…" I ventured carefully, in case I broke some sort of fragile spell that was holding him together, "are you okay?"

I needn't have worried. Out of concern, I had momentarily forgotten that Naruto is profoundly retarded, and has the memory of a very stupid fish.

"Shit, dude!" he said, his eyes widening. "I still need to choose a present! I totally forgot! Back in a bit!" he called out over his shoulder as he tore across the carpeted main reception area, leaping clear a row of blue chairs, before disappearing down the corridor towards the gift shop."

I could do nothing but shake my head and sit down. I swear there is some sort of hyperactivity disorder lurking within Naruto, undiagnosed.

At any rate, it wasn't long before Tsunade reappeared, this time with a smile on her face, to call Ayame and Teuchi-san upstairs to meet the newest addition to their family. The boss wanted to head over to the hotel round about then, since the kid had been born and there was nothing left for us to do, but Tsunade said Jiraiya wanted us to meet the kid too, so for a little longer, we were obligated to forgo sleep. Ten minutes later, the boss and I were summoned, and Tsunade led us up to the maternity ward. Peering round the doorframe, I spotted Kiku sitting up in bed, holding what appeared to be a small bundle of white fabric in her arms. Her hair was a mess, her face was all red from exertion and she had a severe case of panda eyes from where she had misguidedly applied mascara and eyeliner before giving birth, but she was beaming. Jiraiya was sitting on the bed next to her, gazing down at his firstborn, also beaming, but his beam was one of pride – a pride that said, "See this right here? I made this!"

It was Jiraiya who spotted us first, and he stood up and came charging over to the boss, who could do nothing but cringe and ready himself for the unavoidable bear-hug. With a whoop, Jiraiya picked the boss up and swung him around the ward, singing, "Oro! Oro! That's my kid over there! That's _my_ kid!"

"Human, I take it?" the boss managed to comment once Jiraiya had finally deposited him upon solid ground once again.

"Oro, even your cynical bullshit ain't gonna bother me right now, because I'd like to introduce you both to my daughter: Kylie Noir Moon!"

There was a brief moment where the boss and I looked askance at each other, secret smirks passing between us. During this secret moment, I also caught the eye of Teuchi-san, who shrugged and shook his head ruefully. Somehow, I don't think he approved of the name, either.

"Kylie what?" the boss said blankly, doing his best to keep the sniggers under wraps.

"I let Kiku choose," Jiraiya said happily, returning to his place perched on the edge of the bed beside his girlfriend.

"Yah," Kiku added, her voice faint and croaky – presumably from all the screaming. "I named her after my favourite pop star and the two guys from my favourite TV show."

"How are you, Kiku?" I asked, very politely and considerately.

"I'm fine, Sasuke," she croaked, giving Kylie a little jiggle. "But oh my god, I am, like, so tired. Having a baby is, like, _the_ most tiring thing I've ever done and I used to teach pilates. I dunno how I can explain it."

"You could perhaps liken it to pushing the universe through the eye of a needle," the boss suggested.

"Wow… that's way deep," Kiku breathed, wide-eyed at the boss's contribution. "But yeah, it's _exactly_ like that. It took ages."

I smiled.

Then Kiku's voice dropped to a whisper and she said, "You know what the worst thing is, though, Sasuke?" and she beckoned me over, obviously not wanting to discuss this matter in front of the boss. Intrigued, I wandered across to her bed side, leaving the boss there to absorb the great, crashing waves of Jiraiya's enthusiasm. Pulling up a chair, I sat close enough so she wouldn't have to raise her voice. Then she leaned over and said, "You know what the worst thing is, Sasuke? Oh my god, you're not gonna believe this, but I totally farted."

My eyebrows shot towards the ceiling and, slightly shocked, unsure whether to snort with laughter or sympathise, I sought clarification. Kiku kindly elaborated.

"Well, I was pushing and pushing and pushing, right? And the doctor's all like, "Nearly there, nearly there. Just one big, final push! In three, two, one…". So I, like, did the only thing I could do and I pushed as hard as I could and I totally farted in his face. It was massive, too. Real loud, and his face was right in there. Oh my god, Sasuke, I was, like, so embarrassed."

I couldn't help myself. I laughed my goddamned head off. Now, I don't know whether it was because I was sleep-deprived, or because there was a general aura of infectious happiness in the room, or because the two double espressos I had earlier were driving me insane, but I laughed. Oh god, did I laugh. It wasn't long before Kiku started giggling too, even though she said it hurt like hell to do so, and then Jiraiya and Teuchi-san asked us what the big joke was, we told them, and then they were falling about laughing. The boss rolled his eyes at the crudeness of it all and made to leave, but Jiraiya caught him by the arm.

"Wait, Oro. Just for one sec, I promise you, and then you can go."

The boss sighed in a put-upon manner. "If you want coffee, then you can damn well go downstairs and get it yourself."

"It's not about coffee, you moron. Jeez, I just want to ask you something."

"Then what is it?"

"Will you be Kylie's godfather?"

Before I could catch myself, I gasped, and turned to the boss. He stood in the wide, white-framed, spotlessly clean doorway, his hand upon the frame with his back to the room. It was rather tense, since the boss really seemed to be thinking it over. In all honesty, for a wild moment, I thought he was going to refuse. My brain was already concocting a host of desperate, peace-keeping plans in case I had to break up any fights. Instead, the boss turned ever so slightly, with a ghost of a mischievous smile playing at the corners of his mouth, and said, "I shall consider it."

"Good," Jiraiya said. "Cos Tsunade's already said yes to Kiku."

The boss said nothing in reply, but instead, for my benefit, called out, "Are you coming, Sasuke-kun? I am fairly certain you would love nothing more than to fall asleep in the big bed at the hotel. I intend to inform them right this minute of our arrival."

Even though there was a darling newborn child present in the room, it was the thought of the big and ridiculously soft and comfortable bed at the hotel that tugged at my heartstrings. Perhaps my intense longing to once again become acquainted with said bed became apparent on my face, for I did not need to answer. Grateful of the prospect of sleep, I stood up, offered my congratulations to Jiraiya, Kiku and Teuchi-san, and went back down to reception with the boss. We briefly parted ways at the desk – the boss borrowing my phone to let the hotel staff know we were arriving (he had misplaced his), as I headed outside for a bit of fresh air.

Outside, I saw Ayame standing next to a potted plant, leaning against one of the artfully placed concrete pillars. She spotted me, smiled and waved me over. Glad to have a chat with her (because she's always good, sensible company) I went and stood by her.

"I'm an auntie now, Sasuke," she said, by way of opening.

"Yeah. Must be weird."

"It is a bit," she replied, folding her arms and shivering a little against the spring chill of the night. "It's not like being a sister. I remember the very day Kiku was born, and this doesn't quite feel like it."

"What does it feel like?"

"I don't know. I remember my parents saying, 'This is your little sister. You have to take care of her' and I remember thinking, yeah, I'm gonna beat up anyone who calls her names! It was like, a kid's reaction to responsibility, I guess, and I didn't really know what I was thinking. But now I'm the grown-up, and I suppose I've just begun to realise what it means to take care of someone, to protect them." Ayame laughed and shook her head. "Do you get what I mean, Sasuke, or did none of that make any sense?"

"No, no, it made perfect sense," I replied.

There was a lull for a moment in conversation while we looked up at the night sky, listening to the thundering rumble of buses going about their business, the distant roar of cars and taxis, the raucous shrieks of random clubbers, the wail of a lone siren. Then Ayame broke the silence, saying, "Do you think Itachi remembers when you were born?"

I must confess I had never given thought to the possibility. I shrugged and said, "I'm not sure. He probably does, though, since he was five when I was born."

"I'm sure he remembers."

"Well, he's never said anything about it. Not that he would. Stuff like that freaks him out a bit. Funny you should mention him, though. I was thinking about him earlier on."

"Really? When was that?"

"Round about the time I learned my best friend is named after a character in a porn novel."

"What?"

"Don't ask," I said, waving my hand in dismissal. "But do you remember the weasels at all? The ones that lived in the woods down behind our house?"

Ayame let out a shout of laughter and clapped her hands. "Of course I remember the weasels! Itachi used them for his summer project in elementary school. It was really good. He had videos of the weasels dancing and playing with each other and hunting and doing weasel stuff, and our teacher said it was the best summer project she'd ever seen."

"Yup. That's Itachi. And those were the weasels."

"Yeah, Itachi took me down to see them one day after school, and when we walked back, we found a big clump of irises. Itachi wanted to cut some and press them in a book so he could study them later, but I told him not to, that it was better just to let them grow. I bet he sneaked out later, though, and did it anyway."

"He did," I said, smirking. "I helped him."

"You Uchihas are disgraceful," she said, giving me a playful cuff on the shoulder.

"Yup. That's us!" I said, grinning cheekily. "But hey, listen, I'd better go in. The boss is phoning the hotel staff to let them know we're coming, god help them, and he's probably looking for me. It was nice talking to you, though. And congratulations!"

"See you, Sasuke!" Ayame called out. I could see her reflection waving as I jogged through the automatic glass doors, grateful for the warm blast of air the overhead heaters provided. At reception, Kabuto was sitting waiting, ready to go, and Naruto was saying goodbye to Sakura. Since the boss hadn't materialised yet, I figured I had a few minutes, so I sat down and took a load off. Out of the corner of my eye, I happened to spot the boss's phone lying, half-buried under a pile of magazines. Being considerate as I am, I picked it up, thinking I would be kind and return it to him. With the phone in my hand, I decided to search go in search for its owner, when it vibrated once, and then again.

I frowned, wondering who would be texting my significant other at this ungodly hour. When I was certain no one could see me, I opened the text and read it.

'That's wonderful news, Orochimaru-sama. Give my congratulations to Jiraiya and Kiku. I very much look forward to your return. Kimi x"

Orochimaru-sama, however, would never find out just how much Kaguya Kimimaro looked forward to his return, because I deleted the text. Then I announced to Naruto and Kabuto that I was going to the bathroom, took his phone into a disabled toilet, locked myself safely inside, dropped the phone on the floor and stamped on it repeatedly until the screen cracked and the circuit board lay exposed and ground into the tiling. Pocketing the sim card, I disposed of the rest of the evidence in a nearby bin and walked out, cool as you like. When the boss asked later if I had seen his phone, I smiled, linked my arm through his and said no.

I think I might buy the boss a little present. A new phone would do nicely. Maybe one of those cool, new iPhones? As a bonus, I'm considering pre-programming in a few numbers. As a safety measure, I will have certain ones blocked. Yes. I find that a wonderful idea. I shall drop in at the Apple store tomorrow before we head out to Otogakure. I'm sure the boss will love it, and will thank me for being so considerate.

* * *

AN: The kid has officially been born, and already it moves in illustrious circles. Imagine having Oro and Tsunade as your godfather and godmother, respectively. Heaven help the poor thing. :P I hope it doesn't soak up any of their characteristics. Now, I know I said to a few folk that Naruto's parents wouldn't come up in the story. What can I say? I changed my mind. This chapter seemed like the perfect time to bring it up... so I did. XD

I have also been watching the anime, specifically, episode ninety-one of the Shippuuden filler arc. Though it is shaping up to be fairly dire (though nothing can beat Tony/Mizuki the Tiger) there was a rather awesome scene. I shall describe it the way I described it to pikagirl. It is the bit where Oro is all "MUAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HA!!!" while he was about to inject a random guy with some weird shit - the random guy _who was strapped to a steel stretcher and screaming "Noes! Don't inject me with your weird shit!"_ It was really quite creepy. I watched that part three times. XD I think we need more of that in the manga. No one else oozes pure evil like Oro does. I am not at all convinced by Pain as a villain.

The next chapter should be quite fun, since it sees the return of the Akatsuki mob.

Now onto the thank-yous! :)

**uberhaxxor of pwnage** (Don't be too disappointed that Kimi didn't get one over on Sasuke. He's biding his time. I'm not saying that it will definitely happen, but watch this space. ;))

**NayanRoo** (Ha, I'm glad you liked Sasuke's ass-kicking episode. I think The Sauce would've been only too glad you join you in your butt-wiggle dance. XD And weddings... oh my god. I've not been to that many, but the gossip was the one thing I picked up on. Especially all the women getting together. "Oh, lookit the size of 'er arse in that dress!" "There he goes, away up to the bar again." Yup. Gossip central. As for the Lion King stuff? Oh my god, I had a *sporfle* moment on the bus home from uni when the idea very inconsiderately popped into my head. How dare it make me look like a sniggering nutcase?)

**Kokura** (Hey, don't worry about missing a review or two. Just glad to know you're still reading! I came out with thirty-five pretty quickly after thirty-four, though, so I don't blame you for being caught off-guard. XD I'm glad you liked thirty-four, though. I loved writing that one. Loved it to death. I think Kimimaro is a little more poetic than Sasuke, where Sasuke is the more caustic, formal and eloquent. But that's why we love him!)

**Nozomi-sama** (Got it in one! It was, indeed, a reference to 'Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.' I don't know why, but I knew I had to start it out with that. Must be the beginning of a custom of famous, pop-culture lines as intros. XD And yeah, I do the horror and angst as well as this stuff. Thanks for the reviews for my other Naruto stuff, btw. It's much appreciated. :) Don't know if it's so much skill as schizophrenic tastes in reading material, lol.)

**NaruGuru** (I am actually with you on the Sakura thing. I do think she has had some sort of feelings for Naruto for a long time, but just hasn't realised it because Sasuke, the pretty boy, was there, and she believed that because he was so wonderful that she should like him. Now that he's gone, she can see just how great Naruto is and she can act on it. She's not bitchy, like Oro and Sasuke, she's just doing what she thinks is right.)

**R.O.S.** (Oh my god. You're totally right. Mallory hasn't made an appearance in a long time. I have had something in mind concerning the dear, fluffy one for a long time now, but since it's not quite time for it to happen, I guess he's been sidelined a bit. Fear not. I'll update you next chapter!)

**Michiru**(Yay! A new reviewer! Though not a new reader, it seems. Thanks for taking the time to write one. It's always much appreciated, and I like talking to you guys. The ADitL Sasuke is most definitely not canon Sasuke, but you're right that he has _elements_ of his personality, lol. As for Kimi... yeah. I'm with you on that all the way. I do feel really sorry for him. His obsession with Oro has driven him a bit mental. He really, really loves him, but it's a crazy, jealous sort of love. Not so good. As for Sakura, I think she sort of had feelings for Naruto before, but was blinded by Sasuke's very obvious, flashy, pretty-boy brilliance - the person she sort of convinced herself she _should_ like. Now that he's gone, she can see Naruto for how great he really is. Unfortunately for her, Hinata saw it from the start (don't worry too much about Hinata - I won't let her be too scarred. :) )

**Luna-Lunak** (Oh, how you wish for more OroSasu romance. I think I can give it to you, but perhaps not in the way you'd expect. Watch this space. Maybe three chapters from now. You know, though, I love that you're rooting for the OroSasuKikuJiraiya family unconventional family unit. I only invented Kiku as someone to be Jiriaya's much younger girlfriend when the thought of Ino being with Jiraiya just did not sit well with me. And she'ssort of become a little star in this fic! I love her to pieces now. She's matured quite a lot too, I think.)

**Ladyrouge214** (Ahhh... I should've noticed the 214 in your name. Or checked your profile. That might've helped. XD As far as the SakuNaruHina triangle goes, you'll just have to watch this space. In fact, I think... yes! It'll all be resolved in the next chapter.)

**Bri** (Hey, that's okay. Don't worry about missing a review or two. I updated pretty quick last time round and I think I caught a few people off guard. If you were shocked about a twelve year old knowing about sex in the last chapter, then I cannot imagine the horror you must feel after this one. XD It's not as rare as you think. I knew some pretty wild twleve year olds myself. The Lion King thing totally made me giggle as well. It just popped into my head one day, and I was like MUST WRITE!! Poor Kakashi. :P As for Itachi, it won't be long before you see him. Next chapter, actually!)

**YoungSasuke** (Y hello thar, YoungSasuke! Thankye for the compliment. I blush a deep and furious red. And yes, Kimimaro-kun did, indeed, get PWNT, but he will be back...)

**Neko Oni** (Yay! A new reviewer! Thanks so much for taking the time to let me know you like ADitL. It's always much appreciated. And you're not the only one who doesn't like OroSasu but seems to like this fic. Maybe it's because it's an AU and because the stuff they get up to sometimes is so deliberately ludicrous, it doesn't grate? Who knows! XD Also, wow... you have a co-worker hooked? That... is fantastic. I must say when I read that part of your review it really made my day, because I've always wondered if this fic could stand up on its own without a reader knowing anything about Naruto - and I guess it does. :) I'm going off to squee now! XD)

**Sehpi** (I do apologise wholeheartedly to your dog for freaking it out by proxy. XD And I did like that first line as well. I think I might be starting a tradition of pop-culture intro lines for the openings of chapters. I wonder what I can come up with next time? Glad I made your day better, and hope you liked this one.)

**Cyaniona** (Hello again! Yes, I like doing these thank you sections, because the way I see it, without your readers, you're nothing. So I take the time out to thank people for reviews. Keeps the balance going. Oh, I'm glad you liked the Lion King bits. I just about died when the idea popped into my head. I was like LULZ! MUST WRITE! Also, yes, Oro can be quite charming and sweet when he feels like it. Though you've got to watch out for him, because he can be VERY nasty too. I get the funniest feeling we'll be seeing that other side of Oro. You've seen bits of it already, but that's nothing. ;))

**Kutsushita-Socks** (Oh lulz... XD I understand your woe. I was actually on the bus on the way into uni when I thought of that Scar from the Lion King thing. I had to fight really hard to stop people from thinking I was a total, sniggering nutcase.)

**Chromde** (Seriously, man. You should go look up that video if you haven't already. It's called "Jabdah" by Koto. It'll give you a good laugh if nothing else. XD Yeah, and you gave me an idea for the opening of this chapter. I don't normally do that (because everything is planned out) but I had a wicked idea and I just had to use it. So yeah, thanks for the prompt! As for the Lion King stuff... gah, it made me giggle as well. Worse still, I was on the bus at time time when it popped into my head, so I had to fight to keep a straight face.)

**fiore777** (Hey, don't worry about missing a review or two. I know you're really busy and stuff, and I think I caught a lot of people off-guard with the magically fast updates with thirty-four and thirty-five. Because, let's face it, I usually write at a snail's pace. XD Yes, after the Hidan and Kakuzu honeymoon period, they just had to go and revert to a filler arc (in which Oro is very badly animated, like wtf?). But that part with Oro being all mad-scientist like was gold. More of that please! :D)

**BMIK** (I'm glad you liked the switching of perspective earlier on. I was halfway through writing thirty-five when I had one of those horrible 'ohshit...' moments when you know, you juts know, something's missing. Then I realised that even though Kimi was there, the threat of him being there wasn't convincing enough, and that I couldn't do anything about it from Sasuke's perspective. So I switched for a bit. But man, I loved writing thirty-four. Kimi is more poetic, I think, than formally eloquent like Sasuke, and it was nice to shake things up a bit. Also, shades of grey ftw. I hate black and white good guy, bad guy set ups.)

**metal-mako-dragon** (Another new reviewer? Double yay!! :) Thanks so much for taking the time out to write a few reviews. It's much appreciated! But you know what? As soon as I read your second review, I thought, "Yep. This one's from the UK." Then I checked your profile, and I was right. You know why? Because British people always spot the Toblerones in mini-bars. Either that, or the triangular menaces bloody well follow us all over the place! There is a mystery there that needs solving, I feel. Also, liquid chipboard. Hee! XD)

**Kokura** (Aieeeee! -runs for fire extinguisher and puts out the blaze- There. Can't have you burning to a crisp now, can we? There are no third-degree burns in the ADitL universe. XD It seems, though, that you are very perceptive. I am definitely easing the drama into the story, rather than thumping it down onto the table and saying "How about that for a beauty, eh?" I think it's more convincing that way, because Kimi is more of a subtle game player - and besides, he has a tough opponent in Sasuke. But yes. Glad you're still liking it!)

**Beqs** (Hi again! Don't worry about missing a couple of reviews. It's just nice to know you're still here and reading. Besides, I think the lightning fast update speed between thirty-four and thirty-five caught a few other people off guard too. Normally, I am a slow-ass updater. XD The many tenses and context-changes don't sound like much of a selling point to me. XD I remember talking to a Finnish guy in second year and he said Finnish has fifteen cases. Fifteen! What do they do with them all? Seriously. There is no need for fifteen cases! Glad you liked the last chapter, though, and I hope you liked this one.)

**chibibaka1** (Y hello thar! Always nice to see your name cropping up on the review boards. And I totally agree with you on Sasuke. His cockiness is indeed astounding. As the story's progressed, it's got worse and worse. I don't think being with Oro has helped him much on that front. What Kimi said about Oro indulging him isn't far off the mark. And hey, you're pretty perceptive too. I think you're right that Sasuke's lashing out at Kurenai's little sister was born from insecurity about Kimi. Even though he brushes Kimi aside (and underestimates him) he still has that little niggling doubt in the back of his mind. It shows itself at the end of this chapter, actually. So yeah. Good eye!:)

**Roxanne Morinaka** (Wow, another new reviewer! I'm doing well this time round. XD Thanks so much for taking the time out to review, btw. I like to know whether people are digging it or not, and they're always very much appreciated. :) And you read all thirty-five chapters at once? Wow! XD How long did that take you? This fic's getting hella long. Must've been a couple of hours at least. You won't have to wait long for Itachi, he's coming up next. As for Madara? Watch this space...)

**insomniac owl** (Okay, I have to say that when your name popped up on the review boards, I did a little NayanRoo style butt-wiggle dance, because I rather like your OroSasu stuff. In fact, scratch 'rather like'. It's more like, 'OMG LOVE'. I definitely agree with you that Kakashi is not at all well characterised. As I said to you earlier, I've just never really been able to capture the Mysterious Essence of Kakashi. He's actually a hard character to write. Or maybe I just didn't devote enough time to studying him. I can't do anything about Sasuke in this fic, though. XD He's the humour mill that drives the story, and if I changed him, it wouldn't be half as funny. But bloody hell, how long did it take you to read all of it? Must've been ages! So, so glad you're liking it, though. It's made my day, really it has. :))

**juju138** (So many yays going out here, because it seems I have myself another first time reviewer! Though not first time reader, it seems. But that's okay, because I just like to know that people out there are enjoying ADitL. Thanks very much for taking the time to review, btw. It's always appreciated. :) I definitely agree with you about the importance of the AU setting. If it had been anything else but, the story definitely wouldn't have worked. It needs the office environment and the humourous, everyday, little things to keep it going.)

**Oleve** (And another new reviewer? Man, this is really making my day! :D Seriously, though, thanks for leaving a review. I like talking to my readers and saying thanks, because without them, an author is pretty much nothing. Kimimaro is definitely a little disturbed. He has latched onto this idea of Oro as The Perfect Person and no one else comes close. I think he has been blinded by Oro's charisma and charm, and it's made him a bit mental. But sure you can be creative! I'm sure you're really good. I guess you just have to bring yourself round to the fact that some characters are there for a purpose and that you have to make sure they serve their purpose. All characters are, in the end, slaves to the story.)

Well, thanks again guys! Hope you liked this chapter.

Next up? The return of Akatsuki...


	37. Chapter 37

A Day in the Life

June 10th

Uchiha Sasuke is at work, and glad for it. I believe you have my stapler?

LATER:

Sorry about the untimely interruption. The phone hasn't stopped ringing since ten to eight this morning. Even though it is horrendously busy, you don't know how glad I am to be at work right now. Seriously. As soon as I stepped foot in my office, I wept salty tears of thanks and ran over to my desk to give it a big, grateful hug and a kiss. I have grown quite attached to that desk. It's like the boss's but smaller, since I don't like having to actually get up to reach scattered items at the peripheries. Many a time I have witnessed the boss stretching for something at the end of his overlarge desk – a pen, perhaps, or a tissue – and have been eventually obliged to physically hand him the damned thing because he gave up and demanded I do so in a curt, impatient manner.

All talk of desks aside, work really has been mad. I know I always say it (because it's always true) but it has been especially so of late. This is because only a week prior, we were informed that Otogakure Enterprises had been nominated for product of the year in not one, but _three_ categories. Naturally, we had been expecting the nomination for the personalised medicine research and the 'protecting the people' category, but not for the cell regeneration stuff (which, admittedly, was a side-effect of our not-so-legal MA-23 series). The boss was delighted, and gave Kabuto the week off as a reward, which he spent mainly in his room and dedicated it to forming a one-man raiding squad in World of Warcraft with his many, networked, high-performance computers. He's back now, and going through rehearsal with Karin and the boss for the awards ceremony in Suna in July. I have to go along later, since the boss has decided to take along all of the higher-ups for the weekend, and he wants them drilled and ready to answer or dodge any awkward questions with style and panache. Obviously, I will have no problem doing this, and I have faith in most of the others, though a slight worry about Amachi, and possibly Kabuto, since he is not unknown to have taken the odd stroppy turn under interrogation.

Jiraiya, Kiku, Kylie and Naruto are going to hang back at the boss's house, "Holding the fort," as Naruto put it. The boss, I suspect, will relish the prospect of getting away from the "Asylum" (as he has taken to calling it), though is most likely experiencing mixed emotions at leaving Naruto alone in his home, effectively unsupervised. I know I would have doubts.

In the end, I suppose, the trip to Suna for the awards won out, since the boss isn't getting on too well with Kylie. He doesn't know how to deal with babies, you see. He thinks he can speak to them, deal with them, and order them around like the adults and other assorted individuals in his employ or otherwise. Unfortunately for him, babies have no idea that he is the mighty Orochimaru of Otogakure Enterprises – have absolutely no concept of rank and deference – and they tend towards giggling or puzzlement when he asks them to do something.

Case in point: when Jiraiya decided that he wanted to take Kiku out for a romantic meal, he asked the boss and I if we could watch Kylie for a couple of hours. Of course, we said. I mean, we could handle an infant for a few paltry hours, couldn't we? It would simply be a matter of depositing it in its basket and then leaving it to its own devices while we got on with our lives. Easy.

The next day, Jiraiya and Kiku kissed their tiny daughter goodbye, and left to catch their flight out to Konoha. The boss and I were left alone with Kylie (effectively alone, since Kabuto and Naruto were hard at World of Warcraft.) She was sitting in her little bouncy chair thing on the floor in the TV room, watching a cookery programme and bouncing. The boss and I looked at each other. During the working day, we had planned to have something nice to eat and later retreat to the bedroom, and it was evident from the looks in our eyes that the plan would still go ahead, baby or no baby. Our strategy? Well, she seemed to like her bouncy chair thing, and since we did not wish to risk upsetting her (her cries are deeply irritating) we brought her along with us to the dining room – chair and all.

While we sat and had dinner and a civilised, flirtatious conversation, Kylie happily gurgled and bounced in her chair. One of the servants asked if the boss would be content for her to feed Kylie, and the boss's eyebrows knitted together for a brief moment before he waved a vague hand and said, "Oh yes. Of course. Go ahead."

He had completely forgotten to feed her. And so had I.

It was mercifully out of our hands, though, and Kylie was soon fed by the servant girl with a bottle of her favourite powder milk formula (Kiku made up her mind early on not breast-feeding as she "doesn't want her boobs to go saggy".) After that, she was deposited once again in her bouncy chair, and the boss and I ignored her until we felt it time to progress to the bedroom.

Now, at this juncture, we had a problem. Obviously it would not do to take her into the bedroom with us. This for several reasons. One, I would feel incredibly self-conscious. Even though I know young babies can't even see properly, I would still think it was watching me, and judging me. I cannot even have Mallory in the room while we're having sex. Especially not Mallory, since he is more self-aware than Kylie at this stage. Two, if we were still in there by the time Jiraiya and Kiku got back, I don't think they'd be too happy. Three, it's just wrong. On so many levels.

Therefore, to get round this obstacle, we decided to leave her outside the door so that we could hear her if she got pissed off for any reason. Success! Our cunning plan formed, we deposited Kylie outside in the corridor (still in her bouncy chair, because we are not total monsters – we wanted to keep her happy) and we shut the door and got down to business. Alas, however, for it was difficult to keep our minds on the task at hand, as we could hear Kylie laughing and bounce, bounce, bouncing out in the hallway. The boss became a touch impatient, and jumped up, wrapping a sheet around his waist, and wrenched the door open with intent on chastising a two-month old child.

"Honestly!" I heard him yelling. "Do you have _no_ sense of discretion—? Oh… oh dear lord."

His voice faltered for a moment, before he turned up the volume once again. "Sasuke-kun!" he bellowed. "Sasuke-kun! Get out here this instant!"

Rolling my eyes, I grudgingly donned the boss's silky, black robe and popped my head round the door. Looking down, I saw the reason for the boss's disquiet. There before me was Kylie, grinning and waving her pudgy little hands in the air, seeming quite content, bar the fact she appeared to be covered in her own sick, having bounced herself to spewing point.

I sighed deeply, running a hand through my hair. There would be no peace until Jiraiya and Kiku returned, I knew that, and I sought to make the best of a bad situation.

"We need to give her a bath or something," I suggested, but the boss was not having it.

"Sasuke-kun, I am not bathing this child. Who do you think I am?"

"_Fine_. But we'll need to at least change her clothes. We can't hand her back to Jiraiya and Kiku slathered in her own vomit!"

"Then where are the child's clothes kept?"

"I don't know!" I snapped. "Jeez, why are you asking me? How am I supposed to know?"

"Oh for goodness' sake," the boss hissed, turning on his heel and disappearing for a moment into the bedroom, before re-emerging, wearing something more respectable in the form of a towelled robe. He breezed past me, heading down the corridor, calling out over his shoulder, "Bring the child with you, Sasuke-kun, and keep her in that chair. I don't want her sick dripping everywhere."

Back in the dining room, we found some underlings clearing up. They bowed low when the boss approached them.

"Do any of you know where Kiku keeps her clothes?" he asked, a shade imperiously.

"K-Kiku?" one girl said, the same one who had fed Kylie. "She's just had a pink top ironed, I know that. Though I don't think it'd fit a little baby, Orochimaru-sama…"

The boss waved a hand irritably. "I didn't mean Kiku, you stupid girl, I meant—" the boss clicked his fingers as he attempted to recall his goddaughter's name, "—Kylie! Yes, Kylie. I meant where does Kiku keep _Kylie's_ clothing?"

The servant girl blushed and I felt a mite sorry for her. "My apologies, Orochimaru-sama. I happen to know exactly where they are. Shall I fetch some clean garments for you?"

"Please do," the boss said waspishly. "And clean her up while you're at it," he added, as an afterthought, before he turned and walked out, just like that.

For a moment, I stood there, smiling a sheepish smile, still holding Kylie in her bouncy chair thing. Hesitantly, the servant girl approached me and came to take Kylie away. I managed a stilted nod of thanks, and she managed an equally awkward smile in return. I hate it when the boss does that with his underlings. Or at least I hate it when he does it when I'm there, and I have to stand around, discomfited, and absorb the strange aftermath-vibes.

So I said, "Errr… I think you'd better bring her to Orochimaru-sama when you're done. He might get mad if he has to come looking. And thanks for doing this."

The girl blushed again, more furiously this time. The she inclined her head and scurried away. She found us in the boss's study, where we were sitting by the fire, drinking wine. Kylie was put before us on the rug, smelling sweetly of soap and baby shampoo, minus her bouncing chair (which had also been cleaned). The bouncing chair had been replaced by her favourite blanket, a present from Naruto that he bought from the hospital gift shop (the very one in the bargain bin the boss garrotted him with). She looked quite happy, and was entertained by the fire, so entertained that she kept trying to move towards it, despite the boss strictly ordering her to go nowhere near it. Stepping in, I picked her up and put her on the sofa, and her attention was turned to making the shiny, brown leather squeak and poking vaguely at the buttons.

Mercifully, another underling knocked on the door and announced Jiraiya and Kiku's return not long after. In his eagerness, the boss leapt to his feet so fast he almost knocked over his wine glass, and he grabbed Kylie and practically ran downstairs to give her back. He handed her over as though she were toxic. Thankfully, Jiraiya and Kiku didn't notice.

"Have you been a good girl for Oro?" Jiraiya said, chuckling, swinging her up in the air and making her laugh.

"Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Ba-ba-ba-baaaaa!" Kylie said in reply, which I presume meant, "No. In fact, father, I caused rather a lot of trouble. And I'd do it again, too!"

"Hey, guys?" we heard Kiku calling from the living room before she reappeared again out in the corridor. "Have you seen Kylie's bouncer? I swear to god I left it in there…"

The boss didn't miss a beat.

"I had it cleaned. It should be returned to you momentarily, Kiku, my dear."

"Oh wow, thanks guys! Really, cos I've been thinking of doin' that for awhile now. And she looks real happy. You've been great! Like, awesome, even!" she said, beaming all over her face as Jiraiya handed her the baby and they went upstairs to put her to bed.

I felt bad about lying to Kiku, especially since we were not, in fact, awesome at looking after her beloved first-born, but instead left her alone in a corridor until she was sick all over herself. As my conscience was giving me rare pangs of guilt, I gave the boss a severe look. He merely shrugged and gave me one of his infuriating, smug smiles, knowing exactly what I was thinking.

"Are _you_ going to tell her, Sasuke-kun? Because I'm not."

It was then that I realised the boss was being practical and sensible about matters, and who was I to argue with practical and sensible? Besides, there is never any greater truth than the old saying: "What they do not know will not hurt them," and so it is that Jiraiya and Kiku continue to believe to this day that the boss is, astonishingly, capable of minding their helpless offspring, despite the fact that he routinely yells at her to be quiet and throws fits when it becomes apparent to him that she won't. I only hope they don't ask him again. If they do, then I shall insist that the boss leave her in the care of that excellent female underling, who seems to like babies.

Apart from that, and the Product of the Year award nominations, nothing much else has happened. That's probably a good thing, since I have just realised I have used up nearly all of my lunch break typing up this damned entry! I don't even know if I'll have time to eat anything before I have to head along to rehearsals…

June 13th

Deep, calm breaths…

Deep, calm breaths…

Deep, calm breaths…

LATER:

I apologise if this entry is incoherent in any way, for hate and murder have clouded my mind.

The boss and I have had a ferocious argument over his, frankly disgusting, decision to hold a birthday dinner for Kimimaro on the 15th. I cannot abide it! I will not abide it! I do not give a flying toss if the other higher-ups are going to be there. I do not care if Kimimaro 'has already accepted that I will be there.' I do not give a great, steaming turd-crap about whether Kimimaro's acceptance of my _evil_ presence at his goddamned birthday was 'surpassingly gracious'. Read my lips, Orochimaru-sama: I do not care. I do not want him anywhere near me. I do not want him near this house. I do not want him around. Period.

The announcement was made this afternoon at about five-thirty as the boss and I were getting ready to leave. I was hanging around at reception, waiting for the boss to arrive, as per usual, when he sneaked up behind me and prodded me in the ribs, making me swear at him.

"Oh, Sasuke-kun…" he remarked, spinning me around by the waist, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "Please do not swear at me, for I have the most wonderful idea."

He then suggested that we fly out to Konoha, just the two of us, for a fancy meal at Kitcho, go back to the hotel and take the whole of tomorrow off. Normally, I would have jumped at the chance, quite possibly jumped into his arms, this followed by jumping into the Rolls and telling Zaku to step on it. Normally. This time, however, my threat alert sensors were tingling. I could tell something was off from the way the boss was looking at me. There was something tense there, altogether too keen, too hopeful that I accept. He's usually much more casual about these spontaneous sojourns.

"What have you done?" I said frankly, folding my arms and raising an eyebrow.

"Me?" the boss said, feigning astonishment. "What do you mean what have I done?"

"I _know_ you," I said, pointing a finger at him. "You've done something that I'm not going to like, and you're looking to soften the blow by taking me away to Konoha for the night. Aren't you?"

That wiped the smile from the boss's face.

"So cynical, Sasuke-kun," he said as he took half a step away from me, already colder and more guarded. "But perceptive. I applaud you."

"Whatever," I said dismissively, making him twitch (he loathes it when I say 'whatever' to him). "Just spill it. What have you done?"

For a moment, the boss looked at me in a calculating manner, before a corner of his mouth turned up in a wry smile. Since I had been openly disrespectful to him, he probably decided just to go for it – to hell with softening any blows. With an unnecessary amount of candour, he laid it on me.

"Very well, Sasuke-kun. Since you are so determined to make life miserable for yourself, I shall happily oblige. I intend to host a birthday dinner for Kimimaro-kun on the eve of the 15th of this month. There is nothing you can do to change my mind on this matter, as I have already invited Kimimaro-kun, Kabuto-kun, Amachi, Karin, Suigetsu and Gen'yumaru and they have accepted. I am inviting you now, Sasuke-kun, out of courtesy, although I know perfectly well you will protest."

I must confess, for a long while I just stood there, looking at him, my mouth hanging open in shock. I was so angry, I actually could not speak. Eventually, my thoughts ordered, I decided to start with his most offensive turn of phrase.

"You are inviting me out of _courtesy_?"

The boss waved a hand dismissively. "Courtesy, attachment, does it matter?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed, outraged and astonished at his complete lack of regard. "You invite your great aunt you haven't seen in fifteen years out of courtesy, not your long-suffering love-interest!"

The boss rolled his eyes and said in a put-upon manner, as though I was merely splitting hairs, "Very _well_. It is attachment. And I am inviting you. I expect you to be there."

"Yeah? Well too bad," I said, turning my back on him and folding my arms. "Because I've already got something on on the 15th."

Even though I couldn't see his face, I could sense his eyes narrowing.

"I do not recall you having any prior engagements on the eve of the 15th."

I spun round once again to face him, wearing my most insolent smile.

"Yeah, well, you won't recall it because I didn't tell you about it." I paused for a moment, thinking on my feet, and then added, "I'm doing something with Naruto and Sakura in Konoha."

The boss's eyebrows shot up. Since he's a terrible control-freak, I knew that would rile him.

"And when was this arranged?" he hissed, his eyes flashing.

"Weeks ago," I said with a nonchalance I knew would drive him to distraction. "What?" I added, taking in the look of great scepticism on his face. "You don't believe me? Then just ask Naruto when you get in."

The boss smiled a nasty smile and said, "Oh believe me, I will, Sasuke-kun."

You may understand, then, that there followed a brief moment of danger, in which I had not actually been able to speak to Naruto in order to ask him to materialise out of thin air an impromptu, minor calendar event. The boss knew this and he stuck to my side like glue the whole walk back. He did not say a word to me, but when I whipped out my phone in desperation to try a furtive text, he smiled that awful smile again that makes me hate him more than anything and said, "Who are you texting, Sasuke-kun?" at which point, I shoved my phone back in my bag and cursed him under my breath.

The closer we got to the compound, the quicker our pace. It's ridiculous to think about it now, but we were actually racing to get to Naruto first. Every time I put on a burst of speed, the boss matched it, and every time he inched ahead, I lengthened my strides to keep up. By the time we reached the door, we were practically power-walking – to outsiders, we would have looked like complete tools – and when I shoulder-charged my way in first, I kicked off my shoes, firing them in different directions, and headed straight for Naruto's room.

The boss did the same— but was waylaid by Jiraiya as we passed the first floor corridor on the stairs on our way up to the second.

"HEY, ORO!" he bellowed. "YO! I NEED TO ASK YOU ABOUT SOMETHING!"

"I DON'T HAVE TIME!" the boss yelled back, still neck-and-neck with me as we approached the second floor, but then came the thump, thump, thumping of another pair of footsteps hastening upstairs behind us.

Then came my reprieve. Jiraiya accelerated, reached out, and pulled the boss back by the shoulder, and I heard him roar in despair, his plan thwarted. I knew I had been given a golden chance, so I burst into a sprint, taking stairs two at a time, and hoofed it along the east wing to Naruto's room, three doors down. I barged in without knocking, and found Naruto playing Elder Scrolls IV.

"Naruto!" I said, breathless and without preamble. "We're having a night out on the 15th!"

This announcement gained Naruto's immediate and undivided attention, and he paused the game.

"No waaaaaay…" he said, searching my face (which was no doubt embarrassingly red with exertion). "For real, dude?"

"For real," I breathed, clutching at the horrible stitch in my side. "I've had it planned for ages, but I wanted it to be a surprise, and I didn't want to tell the boss because I knew he'd say no. It's on the 15th and we're having it at your place in Konoha – and you get to organise it! Invite whoever you like!"

"Seriously, Sasuke?" Naruto said, his eyes welling up with happiness.

"S-Seriously," I said, trying to smile through the pain. "But remember, it's been planned for ages, in case the boss asks—"

It was fortunate I managed to get it all out when I did, because the boss barrelled into the room but a nanosecond later, throwing the door open so violently that the thing battered against the wall and left a mark. There were red spots high on his cheeks, and he was breathing heavily. Clearly, he'd managed to shake off Jiraiya and had made quite the run upstairs because he only finished a few seconds behind me. If I could have afforded a closer look, I could have sworn there were flecks of foam at the corners of his mouth. He was clutching at his chest, wheezing, and his eyes darted about the room, frantically seeking Naruto. Finding both of us together, he snarled – a desperate sound that signalled his defeat – but it appeared he wasn't going to go lying down.

"Naruto!" he demanded breathlessly, brandishing a finger at him. "Have you something planned with Sasuke-kun on the 15th – and you are forbidden to lie to me!"

Now, being clever as I am, I was certain the boss was going to pull the 'don't you lie to me' card on Naruto. The boss knows well enough by now that Naruto is an honest soul, cannot lie, and that he may be thus manipulated. However, I have been Naruto's best friend since we were kids, and I know better how to deal with him. See, the trick is to feed him the lie in advance and make it seem like the truth. Another dimension of Naruto's mind-boggling honesty is that he believes everyone else is of the same mindset, so it's not hard to convince him of the veracity of one's statement. Therefore, when it comes to spreading the lie, he will be utterly convinced of its truth and will have no problem repeating it to others. Hence the following exchange.

"Yeah, dude!" he said happily. "Night out on the 15th, in Konoha! Be there or be… not there, lol!" (Naruto has lately taken to actually saying lol in everyday conversation.)

The boss turned round and looked down his nose at me with such contempt that I wanted to laugh triumphantly in his face right then and there. Then he directed his attention to Naruto. "And how long has this been planned for?"

"Ages, man!" Naruto said, echoing my exact words. "Sorry you weren't told or anything but Sasuke said you'd say no."

From my vantage point next to the bookcase, I could see the boss becoming angrier and angrier as he realised that, this time, he wasn't going to be able to break Naruto down. I could sense him trying to figure out why; could practically feel him attempting to come up with a plan B. His plan B turned out to be the oldest trick in the book: pulling rank.

"And what if I do say no? Sasuke-kun is obliged to attend a dinner on the eve of the 15th, and I will be most displeased if he does not."

"Awwwwww maaaaaaaaaan," Naruto whined, bouncing up and down on the bed. "No, dude, you can't! We can't have a big night out without Sasuke! And it's been planned for ages!"

"I care not."

"What's it for, anyway?"

"It is Kimimaro-kun's birthday on the 15th and I—"

"Awwwww, no way, dude!" Naruto interrupted, leaping to his feet in outrage. "You can't expect Sasuke to blow off this night out that he's planned for ages for Kimimaro. He doesn't even like him!"

"Believe me, Naruto-kun, I know that only too well—"

"Then why are you making him go to your stupid dinner? Jeez, man, that's totally shit—"

"ENOUGH!!" the boss roared, slamming his fist against the wall, silencing Naruto. Then he whipped round to face me, his eyes glittering with malice. He hissed, "You lying, deceitful, little cockroach. I know very well that you've pulled this out of your arse at the last minute."

"Prove it," I said, with a smug smile.

The boss made a noise of disgust, and his reply made me want to do a dance of glee. First, it all but admitted that the boss could not, in fact, prove it. Second, it gave me a damn good opening.

"I cannot believe you would go to such lengths to get out of it," he snapped.

"And I cannot believe you would expect me to shrug my shoulders, accept it, turn up and be gracious!"

"Kimimaro-kun was surpassingly gracious when I informed him you would be there."

"Oh, so you've arranged all this with him already? When was _this_ planned?"

The boss smiled his infuriating smile and said smoothly, "About the same time you planned your night out, I expect."

He had me. Backed into a verbal corner with sharp words I could not parry that yielded wounds.

Bastard, I wanted to shout. Bastard, bastard, bastard! Unthinking, unfeeling, inconsiderate, smug bastard. But I didn't. Instead I stared at him with all the coldness I could muster and said, "Fuck you," before I turned and walked straight out. Naturally, he followed me and started yelling at me, but I was so angry I was able to block it out. I'm not sure how. Maybe I've gotten used to his mercurial moods? Who knows. At any rate, he kept shouting, "How dare you ignore me, Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kun!" until I reached the fancy bathroom with the Jacuzzi and all the gold and white marble. There is a lock on the door, and I used it to my advantage. The boss, however, is rather tenacious, and he hammered on the door for a while, yelling himself hoarse, before he gave up. I figured then it was safe to text Naruto, and I asked him to bring me my laptop, which was in the bedroom. The boss wouldn't give him it at first, saying, "If Sasuke-kun wants it, he can come get it himself – from me," but Naruto crept back half an hour later and stealthily nicked it from the bedside cabinet. Unfortunately, the boss caught him scurrying away, and he also had to take refuge in the bathroom. He's still here with me.

We're planning on writing a mass e-mail and sending it to everyone, letting them know about the night out. There is a surprisingly long list of invitees.

It's strange, though. The more I think about it, the more I really want this night out to happen. It was a spur of the moment thing at first – like the boss said, a half-arsed, invented excuse to get out of something I really did not want to go to. But now… it's different. I guess it's sort of a chance to exert my freedom, in a way. I'm fed up with constantly conforming to his goddamned wishes. I will put up with his mild strops, I will put up with his psychotic rampages – but this is a bridge too far. Hosting a birthday dinner for his ex (who is still madly in love with him) and inviting me? Out of _courtesy_? What the _hell_ is he thinking?

Well, I'll make him think. I'll make him think about someone other than himself for once in his goddamned life. I won the battle today, and I hope he realises that. This night out is going to happen, whether he likes it or not.

June 14th

Slept in the bathroom last night. Very tired. Naruto also slept in the bathroom. He is strangely perky. Woke up with a severe crick in my neck to find him whistling over the basin. This irritated me immensely, so I punched him in the shoulder. Did nothing to diminish said perkiness. Said he was going to go out for supplies.

Did not want to risk returning to the bedroom, so I showered and went to work in the previous day's clothes. No one has noticed. The boss hasn't shown up yet, though I'm not surprised, since it's only quarter to eight in the morning.

Very, very tired. The bathroom floor is so hard. Think I might try sleeping here tonight. Maybe Naruto could get a hold of some camp beds?

Man… I need some coffee.

LATER

Fell asleep at my desk. Woke up an hour later to find this email in my inbox:

----

From: the-best at konoha-suna. org

To: (everyone in his address book – including the Akatsuki mob and the boss)

Subject: Naruto & Sasuke present: BIG NIGHT OUT!!! Sponsred by the SCHOOL OF AWESOMMMMMMMME!!

Listen up guys!

Sasuke and me r havin dis night out on the 15th of June an dat is like practicaly NOW!! so get ur parteeeee on cos dis is gonna b da biggest blowout EVER!! its gonna b so awesome dat it mite blow ur mindz so use cation. its been planned for ages but we wanted it 2 b a surprise so sorree bout the last minuteness lol.

Now heres teh arrangments:

First we r at Ichiraku Ramen for munchies, natch. Then comes da BEST BIT!

Wen we r finished with muchies then we r headin ON DA BUS to JOYLAND PARK cos its summer & they open til 3AM. Tix are ¥2,700 each.

Orogakure peepz we r gettin a plane 2 Konoha on 15th after work. Sasu & me have tix. Lemme no so u can book, lol.

Akatsuki peepz i no u cant get off work easy but it wud b 2 cool if u cud make it!! :D

Konoha peepz u guyz can js turn up at Ichiraku Ramen, lol. 8:00 onwards. No trainers! (j/k Shika u no i luv trainers)

WILL C U ALL THERE ON THE 15th 8.00!! BE THERE OR BE LAME!!!!!!

- see ya round like a record

N.

----

Wow.

Plane tickets? Naruto is being frighteningly proactive. It's amazing what the prospect of a night out can bring out in him. Though it seems it really is going ahead now. I wonder who'll respond?

LATER:

Despite the last-minute, hare-brained nature of our scheme to escape the confines of Otogakure for the night, the response has been surprisingly positive. Naruto has forwarded me the confirmation emails, and so far we have a list of twenty-four people.

Myself

Naruto

Sakura

Hinata

Shino

Kiba

Neji and TenTen (they're not coming to the restaurant because they're already going on a date, but will meet us at Joyland later.)

Shikamaru

Ino

Chouji

Tsunade and Dan

Jiraiya and Kiku

Ayame (Kakashi and Iruka can't come because they're going to a gig with Asuma. Ha! They're going to be furious!)

Lee

Sai

Sasori

Deidara

Kakuzu

Hidan

Zetsu

Kisame

Itachi

No, your eyes do not deceive you. The Akatsuki lot will, indeed, be in attendance – including my brother. This email from him accepting _en masse_ should be enough to explain.

----

From: amaterasu-sharingan at akatsuki . org

To: thebest at konoha-suna . org

Subject: RE: Naruto & Sasuke present: BIG NIGHT OUT!!! Sponsred by the SCHOOL OF AWESOMMMMMMMME!!

Dear Naruto and Sasuke,

Thank you for your invitation to your night out. We will be glad to attend, since we are currently working in the Konoha area. Unfortunately, Konan and Pain will not be able to attend, as they have pressing business in Konoha. For the rest of us, our evenings are more or less our own.

We will see both you and Sasuke at eight sharp.

Yours truly,

Uchiha Itachi, speaking for Kisame, Deidara, Sasori, Kakuzu, Hidan and Zetsu.

----

I am… excited now. My brother is coming along on a night out. That in itself is profoundly odd, but I'm not complaining! I haven't seen him in almost a year. I sent him a birthday card and a present last week so it would get to him in time, but I had to send it to a special, designated P. O. box so Uncle Madara would not discover we were still in contact with one another. It'll be wonderful to see him again.

Everyone else seems pretty psyched at the prospect of a fun-filled night out away from the compound – Jiraiya and Kiku especially, since it's their first real outing since the short trip out for the romantic meal. Naruto said he was on the phone to Jiraiya, and they've planned to leave Kylie with her grandfather for the night so they can come along guilt-free. And besides, Teuchi-san is always badgering them to fly over so he can see his darling granddaughter. I imagine he'll only be too delighted to babysit, since the boss, god's gift to children (I laugh heartily at this misnomer), will unavailable due to his being a interminably stupid, selfish pile of shit.

Not everyone is excited, though. I received emails from Suigetsu and Kabuto along the lines of "Thanks very much. Now you tell me!" You see, they were quite looking forward to the civilised dinner, but now that an opportunity for Real Fun has presented itself, they are desperately looking for ways to cancel and have asked me to come up with excuses for them. I've got a few ideas, and there's a general meeting in five minutes, so I'll have a chat with them then.

LATER:

The boss and I have just had another argument. This time it was deeply embarrassing because it was public. When I say 'public', I mean more specifically in a meeting room in front of Kabuto, Suigetsu and the others. The boss has fallen out with them, too, and has long since stormed off in a foul mood. No doubt this is because I am still winning this little battle of wills we've got going on.

When I turned up at the meeting room, took off my suit jacket and organised myself, everyone else got up and crowded round me, asking me about the night out. Gen'yumaru wanted to know whether he could still use his 7-day Joyland pass he bought last year; Amachi wanted to know if "ZeroCool" would be there (that's Shino's handle on Everquest, apparently); Suigetsu and Karin just really wanted to come, and Kabuto asked if Deidara had responded.

I told Kabuto that, yes, Deidara would be there, along with the majority of the Akatsuki lot as my brother had sent us an email saying words to that effect. Kabuto made a strangled noise of despair, and Suigetsu shook his head.

"It's not fair!" Suigetsu moaned. "Even the Kisame and the other Akatsuki guys are getting to go!"

"I know!" I said, feeling encouraging. "It's weird, right? Should be fun. Though I think you might need to be careful around Hidan…"

"Wasn't he the guy who broke into the courtroom in Konoha?" Gen'yumaru asked.

"Yeah. He's totally mental," I replied, making my eyes cross for comedic effect.

The mention of Hidan's attendance did not quite garner the response I had expected. Instead of wariness and changes of heart, there were wistful sighs.

"Man, sounds like he'd be great at a party…" Amachi said, mournfully.

"Yeah. He'd totally tear the place up," Suigetsu said, gazing into the middle distance and most likely imagining drunken carnage.

There was a short silence in which everyone stared at the floor, looking glum. Then Karin whispered, "I really want to go…"

Everyone nodded in agreement, but at that moment the boss breezed in, and the rest of them dashed to their seats. Suigetsu, sitting next to me, leaned over and whispered, "Look, put me down for it, Sasuke. I'm just gonna go tell the boss I can't make the 15th."

I tried to tell him it probably wasn't a good idea, I really did, but Suigetsu never listens. All I could do was watch nervously as Suigetsu approached the boss, bowed, and addressed him formally.

"Orochimaru-sama," he said, in a tone altogether too respectful for Suigetsu, which gave him away immediately.

The boss regarded his head of Human Resources with amusement in his eyes and said, "What do you want, Suigetsu?"

Suigetsu bowed again. "With the deepest respect, Orochimaru-sama, with regard to our arrangement on the fifteenth… I- I am afraid I am no longer able to attend."

Immediately, the air in the room turned frosty. Everyone had been watching Suigetsu out of the corners of their eyes to see how it would go, but their gazes averted when the smile vanished from the boss's face. I knew (and everyone knew) that the boss was angry, since his voice, when he spoke, was silky soft and dangerous.

"You maintain you possess the deepest respect for me, Suigetsu, yet clearly you lie, as you have not yet told me why you can no longer uphold your promise to me."

Suigetsu knew he was treading on thin ice, but that now he was effectively stranded in the middle of a frozen lake of his own making, and would have to hope against hope the perilous surface wouldn't crack and give way underneath him. He ploughed on.

"S-Sasuke and Naruto are having a night out on the fifteenth, Orochimaru-sama. In Konoha," he gabbled. "I-It's been planned for ages, and—"

"_Silence! I am sick of hearing that particular phrase!_" the boss hissed, making Suigetsu flinch. Then he spun round in his chair to face the rest of us, smiling ominously, and said, "So, has anyone else had a mysterious something crop up that renders them unable to attend on the fifteenth?"

Kabuto, being braver than the rest and slightly more bullet-proof as the head of the R&D department, spoke up. "I must confess, I would like to go to Sasuke and Naruto's night out, Orochimaru-sama," he said honestly. "I did not know it was being planned, and that is why I accepted your invitation. I mean no disrespect, but I would very much like to see my friends outwith the company, and I do not often get the chance."

The boss's eyes flashed and he leaned forward in his seat. "Again, you maintain respect, but you are disrespecting me by recanting!"

"Orochimaru-sama, I beg to differ, I am not," Kabuto said in an optimistically placating tone. "I wouldn't dare disrespect you."

"BUT YOU DO!" the boss roared suddenly, rising so abruptly from his seat that he sent it crashing to the floor behind him. He began to pace the room like a caged animal, ranting and raving. "YOU DO DISRESPECT ME! YOU DISRESPECT ME GRAVELY, KABUTO-KUN, AND I WILL TELL YOU RIGHT HERE AND NOW AND IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS THAT IF YOU DO NOT ATTEND THEN YOU WILL LOSE YOUR JOB!"

Kabuto stuttered into silence, his face a strange mixture of fear and resentment. At the end of the table, Suigetsu was shuffling awkwardly; the rest were staring at the shiny, polished tabletop, determined not to catch the boss's eye. The boss was so busy dealing with Suigetsu and Kabuto that it came as a surprise when he suddenly turned on me.

"This is your idea, isn't it?" he accused, pointing a finger at me. "Simply because you do not approve of my design, you intend to sabotage it!"

"I had nothing to do with it," I said calmly, which was half-true. "Naruto was the one who sent the email this morning."

"Which I received," the boss said viciously. "Which you caused Naruto-kun to write after you fed him your lies!"

I shrugged. "Believe what you like, Orochimaru-sama, but the fact remains: this night out is going to happen. You can come along if you like. Actually, I'd love for you to come. Just don't bring your ex. I'm the one being reasonable here."

And I was right. I was the one being reasonable, and I think that deep down, the boss knew it. His mouth quirked and he stopped short mid-stride. Then, drawing himself up to his full height, he announced, in a strangely calm tone, "My offer still stands. Kabuto, Suigetsu, Amachi, Karin, Gen'yumaru – if you do not appear at my door on the eve of the fifteenth, as arranged, you will lose your jobs." Then he turned to me, looking at me funny and added, "Sasuke-kun, however, has a choice."

I shook my head in amazement. Even though I had explicitly stated my intentions, he would still seek to manipulate me.

"What's the catch?" I said sardonically.

"You will find out when you make your choice," the boss said mysteriously before he swept out of the room, slamming the door so hard behind him that a marker pen toppled off the white board shelf.

For a while, everyone sat in silence, a shade shell-shocked. Personally, it was round about then that the embarrassment started to creep up on me. I had just had a domestic with my significant other in the middle of a general meeting. I don't think anyone really cared, though, since they, too, had endured a verbal lashing from the boss. The threat of mass-redundancy from a lucrative and otherwise enjoyable job can do that to people, I guess.

Shamed that I had effectively aired my dirty linen in public, I made a few muttered excuses and headed along to my office. I'm here now, waiting for Naruto to show up. We're going to stay the night here, as I cannot face going back to the compound. There's only another half day to get through after this. I'm sure I can stick it out. Let's face it, I _have_ to stick it out. This isn't just a battle of wills. I'm not doing it just to piss the boss off. It's about freedom and equality – or if not equality, at least a bit of leeway to do as I wish on occasion. It's a test, and if the boss can't see that, then I'm going to have to force him to.

LATER:

It is round about two in the morning, and I am back at the compound, in bed with the boss. He's been acting very, very odd, and… I don't quite know what to make of it. At this moment, I am sitting up, typing this entry on my laptop, surrounded by pillows. The boss has flailed halfway down the bed and has slung an arm over my legs. I can't see him because he's wriggled under the duvet, but I know he's there, and I know he's asleep because I can hear him muttering nonsense.

It's strange…

A couple of hours ago, Naruto and I were still in my office, sitting on musty camp beds he'd dug out from the back of the bus (that had been sitting in there since Tea in the Park!) Naruto had brought some carbonated beverages, teabags and microwave meals, which we heated up in the Staff Room. Naruto had contented himself with dicking around on the internet, and I had settled myself with a book. We seemed all set to bed down for the night, until I started to feel grimy and itchy. I had forgotten that I'd been wearing the same clothes for almost two days, and the realisation began to plague me. Suddenly, I was desperate for a shower and a change of clothes.

"Naruto," I said, in my most overtly persuasive, pleading tones with a hint of whine, "could you ask Jiraiya or someone if they can bring me a change of clothes? I'm starting to get itchy sitting here."

"Sorry, dude," Naruto replied, not even looking away from his game. "Jiraiya and Kiku have left for Konoha already with Kylie. They're staying at Teuchi-san's for a couple of days, and Kabuto's over at Amachi's."

"Shit…" I hissed under my breath. "Then could you maybe run over for me?"

Naruto did turn round this time. "You know I would, Sasuke, but Oro _really_ chased me when I sneaked in and stole your laptop for you. He had this real scary look on his face. I think he'd go nuts if I did it again."

I sighed and said it was okay, and that I'd try to deal. For another hour, I did, truly I did, but the visions of tiny dirt particles clinging to my skin and clogging my pores and spreading all over my body was too much to bear. All I needed was a shower, I thought, and it could be done. The boss would not find me in a bathroom because his house has so many I could choose one at random and the odds would be about 7-1 that he'd randomly come across me. The only risk would be in retrieving my clothes. I knew I would have to do it myself, since if I asked one of his underlings, there would be a high chance of them ratting on me under interrogation and bringing the boss back with them. The only other alternative was simply to go straight in, hope he wasn't there, and if he was – ignore him.

My plan formulated to perfection, I bade Naruto farewell and headed off to the compound. Taking care to avoid detection, I slipped in through one of the side doors the servants use, up the stairs, and along the third floor east corridor to the nice wet room I like with the polished, black granite tiles everywhere. I stayed in there for a blessed forty-five minutes, making sure every last speck of dirt was scrubbed away, and when I was finished, I towelled myself dry and reached for the random robe on the hook next to the door.

Taking a deep breath, I opened it and crept out into the corridor, heading down a floor and along the east wing to the boss's bedroom. I paused outside, pressing my ear to the door in case I could detect any sound that might indicate the boss was inside. Hearing nothing, I steeled myself and crossed the threshold.

Unfortunately, my ears had deceived me. The boss was, indeed, inside. He was sitting up in bed reading _The Remains of the Day_, a book I had given him Christmas last. His eyes were drawn to me as soon as I stepped through the door. His expression was resolutely unreadable, and it made me nervous. For a wild moment, I wanted to turn and run back to my office, but I knew it would be absurd to return in only a flimsy, cotton bathrobe. Plus, it would make me look like a pathetic idiot, and there was no way that was going to happen. Holding my head up high, I walked across the room, past the boss – ignoring him as I had planned – and rummaged through the drawers in search of a t-shirt, socks and underwear. I could feel the boss's eyes on me the whole time and it made me so nervous I accidentally knocked over the photo of us that stood on the dresser.

Then he spoke.

"Are you going to continue avoiding me, Sasuke-kun?"

"That's the general idea…"

"Then don't."

"Why? So you can start yelling at me in front of everyone again?" I said, while raking around in the bottom of the black-hole wardrobe for my favourite brogues. "No thanks."

"You still have a choice, Sasuke-kun. I have given you that choice."

"Yeah, I know that already. Thanks for reminding me."

There was a faint rustle of fabric, then the sound of bare feet gliding across the carpet. An instant later, the boss's arms were around my waist, his head buried in the nook between my neck and my shoulder blade. Instinctively, I uttered a little cry of surprise at this unexpected turn of events, and tried to pull away, but the boss held tight. When he spoke, I could feel the hotness of his breath and his lips brushing against my thin, cotton robe.

"You know I really do prefer you, Sasuke-kun," he murmured, his voice slightly muffled.

"Then why are you doing this to me?" I pleaded, my skin rising in goose pimples, my nerves jangling at his decidedly mercurial behaviour.

The next thing I knew, the boss had spun me round by the waist and kissed me. It was a very strange kiss. For the boss, anyway. Usually he either goes all out and makes your lips bleed or teases you with little gentle ones. This one was careful, measured, thoughtful – if a kiss can be any of those things. It unnerved me to the core, and when I pulled back for air, the boss was cupping my face in his hands, regarding me once again with that funny look I never know how to read.

Then he said, quietly, "Lie down, Sasuke-kun."

"W-what?" I said, startled.

"Lie down. On the bed. Please."

So I did. And every time I tried to say something, every time I tried to apologise, or ask what the hell he was thinking, he said nothing but merely pressed a finger to my lips and said, "Hush, Sasuke-kun. Say nothing."

We had sex, but it was… so strange. He kept stopping and drawing back to look at me every five minutes or so, taking in every inch of me with his weird eyes. I felt really exposed. He kept closing his eyes as well, and his hands were _everywhere_ – I suppose taking in every inch of me by touch. The sex itself was profoundly strange, since the boss insisted on a kind of reverent silence throughout, and when he had finished, he smiled lazily and flopped back onto the pillows, staring at me with a serenity in his eyes that terrified me.

"Lie next to me, Sasuke-kun," he said invitingly, holding out his arms.

Obediently, I did so, pressing up against him, feeling his arms close around me.

For a prolonged moment, we lay there in silence, listening to each other breathing.

When I could take it no more, I said, "Why?"

"Because I wanted to show you."

"Show me? Show me what?" I asked, my curiosity genuine.

But the boss smiled mysteriously and said nothing else. Another long silence fell, and during it, I was suddenly overwhelmed by guilt – a feeling that came screaming out of nowhere – but I had to tell him. I could not give in.

"You know I'm going to go to Konoha," I whispered.

"Are you?"

"Yes."

"If that is your wish, then I am glad I showed you."

"Okay," I said, shuffling up a little so I could rest my head in the crook of his arm. "I'm glad you're happy, I guess." After a pause, I added, "So is it alright if I text Naruto and tell him it's safe to come back? He's still hiding out in my office."

The boss nodded, his eyes closed and already half-asleep. "But do not leave this bed, Sasuke-kun. You are not to leave it until morning. It is my dear wish."

"Okay," I said quietly, not wanting to disturb him as his head flopped to the side, his cheek touching my hair. It was difficult trying to stretch over to the desk upon which the boss's new phone sat (he beat me to it and bought his own iPhone the sod – had all his contacts backed up and everything). Eventually, though, I grabbed hold of it and texted Naruto, asking him to bring me my stuff. To my eternal gratefulness, he did, and he even sneaked in and handed me my laptop before heading off to his room to "finish off the Shivering Isles quest in Elder Scrolls." Have I ever mentioned how much I love Naruto? Perhaps I have, once or twice, but I still do not say it as often as I should.

But here I am, sitting here in the aftermath of a bout of incredibly unsettling behaviour on the part of the boss – wondering what on earth it all means. I told him specifically I was going to Konoha… and he did not protest. That in itself is weird, and I sense I might be kept awake tonight thinking about it.

"I wanted to show you."

Show me what?

God, I hate it when he talks in riddles…

June 15th

The Big Night Out

As of this moment, Naruto and I are on a chartered flight: KN014, bound for Konoha International Airport, expected arrival at 7:10pm. We're planning to take a taxi from the airport, dump our stuff at Sakura's apartment and then leave straightaway for Ichiraku Ramen to meet the others.

It's strange, but I'm starting to get butterflies. I am oddly excited about tonight and have been looking forward to it all day during work. I couldn't even concentrate properly when I was in rehearsals for the awards earlier on because people kept phoning to inform me of their arrangements. The boss ended up letting me leave early because, and I quote his irritable words, I was 'going to be utterly useless until this stupid trip was over and done with.' Grinning, I thanked him and practically skipped out of the room, feeling Kabuto and the others' jealous glares upon me all the way out into the corridor. I didn't care, though, for tonight, I was going to have _fun_. Real fun. More fun than I had had for a long time. And with friends. Real friends. (Except Kakuzu and Hidan. They scare me.)

Trying to control myself, I texted Naruto to say I'd been let away early and that I'd meet him at reception. Ten minutes later, Naruto showed up, wearing his orange and black camo backpack and a huge grin – a grin so infectious that it obliged me to grin back. For a second, we simply stood there, grinning at each other like idiots, before I suggested Naruto check he had our passports and print-outs for the plane tickets.

While Naruto rummaged through his backpack to prove to me he had, indeed, brought them, I sat down on the polished marble floor. It was then I saw the boss approaching, gliding across the space between us, the hem of his white kimono fluttering about his feet. The staccato _click-clack click-clack_ of his wooden geta echoed throughout the reception hall. For a moment, my mood darkened as I envisioned another public confrontation, but then I remembered the night before, and that he had seemed to accept that I would be going away. When he reached Naruto, he stopped and stood by him. I looked up, searching his face. It didn't bear any of the usual hallmarks of anger. Instead, there was a hint of a playful smile, so I stood up, jogged over and threw my arms around him, squeezing him as hard as I physically could.

The boss coughed and spluttered at the intensity of my squeeze and said, "Ugh, Sasuke-kun, enough, enough! You're choking me. Sasuke— no! You're— Argh! That is enough, Sasuke-kun! Let go!"

Eventually, with an evil grin, I released the boss. He ran his fingers through his hair, teasing it back into place and regarded me with amused exasperation.

"I don't know if I should even give you these anymore…" he said with a touch of mock regret and a wicked glint in his eye.

"Give us what?" I began, before the boss reached into the folds on his kimono and revealed a wad of glittering, gold tickets.

"Oh my god!" I breathed, my eyes widening. "Naruto, you've got to see this!"

"See what?" Naruto said vaguely, pulling his head out of his backpack, before he too caught a glimpse of the boss's offering. Instantly, he leapt to his feet as though he'd been shocked.

"OH MY FREAKIN GOD!" he shouted, staring at the golden tickets as though he'd never before seen anything so wonderful. "THOSE ARE ALL ACCESS TICKETS! WE CAN QUEUE JUMP WITH THOSE!"

"Yes," the boss said, clearly pleased but bemused by our reaction. "And there are thirty of them. Hand them out with my compliments."

As the boss relinquished the tickets to me (much safer, since Naruto had not yet found our passports and print-outs), Naruto began to well-up.

"Oro, man, you're the best!" he said, profoundly grateful.

The boss gave Naruto a look that said plainly, 'And you've only just noticed?'

"Thank you," I said, causing the boss to turn his attention to me. "I mean really. You didn't have to do this."

"No," he said with his usual wolfish smile. "I did not. Doesn't that make the gesture all the more special?"

I laughed.

"Yeah, I suppose it does."

"Then do not worry about it," he retorted airily, waving a careless hand. "I am certainly not worrying."

"Did I say I was worrying—?" I began, about to engage the boss in a little battle of wits when I had a sudden pang of worry and guilt. My playful words died in my throat and my face fell. At once the boss noticed, for he was there next to me in a trice, his head tilted to one side, peering into my eyes.

"What's the matter, Sasuke-kun?"

I lifted my head and looked him straight in the eye. "Please come," I said, pleading, entreating him with all the persuasive power I could muster. "Please. I'd love it. It won't be the same without you."

For a moment, I'd like to believe the boss wavered. A shadow passed across his eyes and I swear there was a glint of longing there, perhaps even regret, before it was quashed by his damned stubborn pride. He had made his decision long ago.

"No, Sasuke-kun," he said with a smile. "I'm afraid I must keep my promise. But have fun."

Temporarily deflated, I shrugged in affirmation and said, "Well call me or something, will you?"

The boss nodded. "I will."

I was about to lean in for a long kiss goodbye, but Naruto chose that moment to yell that he'd found our stuff, so I had to keep it short.

"Please call me," I said quietly, just so the boss could hear. "I mean it, okay."

"I _will_, Sasuke-kun. Don't be so silly."

I'm not even sure why I asked him that. Even if I'm away for half a day meeting investors with Karin, or buttering up nominations committees for example, the boss is constantly calling me, asking what I'm up to, asking me what I'm doing later, asking me how I am, or even simply looking to chat. He's always calling me, so it should have been a given that he would – especially on an overnight like this. But something, an insidious, niggling feeling told me it wasn't a given – the same insidious, niggling feeling that told me the boss still hated me for doing this, despite the sort-of permission he gave me the night before.

When we finally boarded the plane, I still felt like that – wondering whether I should be leaving at all – but the further we got from Otogakure and the more Naruto's excitement started bubbling over, the less my apprehension. I was looking forward to tonight, I realised, and I could not let my irrational guilt eat away at me all night and spoil my fun. So resolute was I, that not even Naruto knocking over a whole can of Dr Pepper and splashing my new Armani jeans minutes after takeoff could bring me down.

And I _am_ resolute.

I am going to have fun tonight, along with everyone else – along with my friends and my family.

Besides, the boss can't be mad at me. He bought us thirty All-Access tickets!

Can he?

LATER:

Tonight was amazing. It really was. I can happily report that I was totally and utterly right about everything concerning it, and I am glad I came. However, I'm feeling a strange mixture of happiness and sadness.

Sometimes, I still wish I called this place home. I do miss it. I miss it terribly sometimes, but I'd never admit it to anyone.

As of right now, I'm lying in a sleeping bag at Sakura's on her ridiculously comfortable, squashy sofa. Technically, I'm supposed to be getting a few hours' sleep before my flight back to Otogakure. But I can't sleep. This is either a) because I am still too excited, b) pure adrenaline, c) too much popcorn and cotton candy. There is a d) option, but I'll talk about it later. It worries me, and I don't really want to think about it.

Since I cannot force myself into the land of nod, I suppose I should take this opportunity to tell you what happened at Ichiraku Ramen and Joyland. It wasn't all good, obviously, but the fun and laughter cancelled out the worry, so all in all, I'm feeling okay.

When we arrived at Ichiraku Ramen at ten to eight, Jiraiya and Kiku were already there, sitting at one of the long benches Teuchi-san sometimes puts out if it gets busy with Ayame, Sakura and Itachi. The rest of the Akatsuki lot were also there, knocking back shots at the bar. Sai was sitting with Sasori – both smoking. As I took a moment to gape openly at Sai's blatant rebellion, I heard Deidara's manic voice cut through the air.

"Oooooooh, look who it is," he sung, with a mischievous glint in his eye. "The baby Uchiha!"

I wandered over, pulling up a stool at the bar. I noticed Teuchi-san wasn't on duty (presumably baby-sitting), as there were two guys I didn't know serving. Nishi and Matsu, I think their names were.

"Soooooo," Deidara began, "where's Oro?"

"In Otogakure," I said churlishly, feeling a flash of irritation that everyone and their gran seemed to consider us an inseparable unit. "He couldn't make it."

"Awwww… what a shame," Kakuzu said, taking a sip of his sake.

"Shut up, Kakuzu," Deidara snapped. "It _is_ a shame. I was looking forward to irritating him by flirting with Sasuke in front of his face!"

"No it's not," Kakuzu replied, matter-of-factly. "Oro's a bell-end."

"Yeah," Hidan said, chortling. "Fucking pasty-faced, yellow-eyed fudge-nudger."

Surprisingly, Deidara cackled with laughter at Hidan's quip, making everyone jump. "Oh my god, did you say fudge-nudger? That's _actually_ hilarious. I'm so gonna use that!"

"Eh?" Hidan said sceptically, raising an eyebrow. "But… but aren't you—?"

"Yes," Deidara retorted acidly, flashing him a withering look. "I do nudge fudge, thank you, but I still think it's funny, so I'm gonna say it. You got a problem with that?"

While Deidara and Hidan were brewing up a good argument, I sat between them, quietly seething. Oh, so the boss was a bell-end, was he? A pasty-faced, yellow-eyed "fudge-nudger"? Gritting my teeth, I chose that moment to reveal the boss's good-natured generosity to the assembled Akatsuki higher ups.

"If he's such a bell-end," I said loudly, interrupting their increasingly heated exchange by thrusting the golden wad of tickets right under their noses, "then why did he buy all these for us?"

"Owee! Are those Tripe A tickets? Amazing! I never even thought of that!"

"Yeah, well I suppose even bell-ends like Oro have their moments…"

"What's Triple A tickets? Kakuzu? Kakuzu! What are they? Tell meeeeee…"

Mercifully, I was drawn away from the dangerous conversation as Kiba and the rest of the Konoha mob arrived. It really was a mob, as I spent a good half an hour on brief greetings and catch-ups and explaining that, yes, the boss _had_ bought everyone All Access Admission tickets and that, yes, he was indeed awesome but that no, he could not make it. Itachi raised his eyebrows at the latter part when he overheard me telling Hinata and Ino and beckoned me over to our bench. When I sat down, he leaned over and said, gravely, "Remind me again why Orochimaru cannot attend."

"Oh, he'd organised some stupid dinner for the higher-ups," I said, waving a hand dismissively and leaving out the whole Kimimaro issue – wisely, I felt, since I do not think Itachi would have approved. "Kabuto and everyone wanted to come here, but he threw a fit and forced them to go. He gave me a choice, and I came here – but don't worry, he's okay about it."

For a moment, Itachi searched my face – closely and meticulously, as is his custom – and when he found nothing untoward, he picked up the menu and began to study it (I don't know why, since Ayame and Kiku were sitting right next to him and he could've just asked them).

"It is good to hear he gave you the choice," my brother said, already distracted by the choices of dishes on offer. "I would have been most displeased had he forced you to remain behind."

"Yeah," I said, smiling, but also noticing the barely veiled threat. Then I tried a change of tack, as I didn't really want to think about the boss anymore. "So what're you having, Itachi?"

"I'm not sure," he mused. "I'm afraid I seem to be torn between miso and the spicy special."

"I advise against the spicy special, Uchiha-san," Lee offered wisely. "You're going to be on rollercoasters and rides the rest of the night."

"Yeah," Kiku giggled. "Your colon might explode. And I totally know how hot that soup is - I've seen the recipe! There's like, a million billion chillies in it!"

"A million billion?" I said, feigning shock.

"Yeah, well… shut up! You know what I mean, Sasuke."

"He's fine with it," Ayame said, shrugging. "Last time he came out to Konoha, he ate the whole lot without screaming or anything."

"Really?" Shikamaru said, looking at my brother with a whole new level of respect.

"Really," Ayame said.

"Well get some then and show us!" Kiku squeaked. "This is way cool! I've never seen anyone eat the stuff without crying!"

Itachi shrugged by way of agreement and Ayame moved behind the counter to make his spicy special ramen herself – lest the incompetent Nishi and Matsu spoil it (I didn't ask, but I think Teuchi-san might be having a hard time training them). Making it to order, she gave Itachi a few extra slices of pork as compensation and, grinning wickedly, she brought it over and set it down in front of him.

I swear to you, the stuff in the bowl wasn't ramen. It was more like a demon's fiery piss in a cauldron, more authentic because the stuff was still bubbling. The smell of chilli wafted up to besiege my nostrils and slap me upside the head. It made my eyes water, and I wasn't the only one.

"Whoa, who ordered the spicy special?" Shikamaru said, shouting over to our table. "I can smell it from here."

And so it was that Itachi managed to garner a small audience. Everyone crowded round, leering at Itachi, watching his every move lest a facial muscle tic and betray his gastronomic anguish. There was actually a collective gasp when Itachi first raised his chopsticks to his mouth. Across from me, Hinata could no longer handle the suspense and let slip a concerned whimper. Then my brother munched, and munched some more, seeming unfazed by the 'million billion' chillies the soup contained.

"Oh my…" I heard Lee remark.

"Is he human?" whispered Chouji, who had tried many times to eat a full bowl of Ichiraku Ramen's spicy special, to no avail.

At length, Itachi finished the toppings and the noodles. All that was left was a bowl full of what I now suspect was essentially boiled chilli juice. There was an expectant hush. Then Deidara began to chant, "Chug, chug, chug, chug…"

Itachi observed the bowl impassively. The chant was taken up by others, and slowly gained momentum. Without a flicker of emotion, my brother scooped up the bowl with both hands. The chant grew louder and more urgent. I even found myself doing it, stamping my foot in time to the rhythm, grinning like a lunatic. I didn't have to worry about Itachi chickening out and embarrassing himself. Of course he was going to do it – even if he was faking and needed to go to A&E afterwards. Uchihan pride, after all, knows no bounds.

Then, the chanting stopped suddenly as Itachi lifted the bowl to his lips…

… and downed the entire lot without flinching.

There was a brief moment of stunned silence before Naruto said:

"Itachi, dude… I ain't sittin next to you on The Paralyser."

And everyone laughed and cheered, high-fiving my stoic, proper brother, who really wasn't used to, or able to deal with, all the attention. It was funny watching him, especially when Kiba went up to him, sniffed his face and said, "Man, I can't even _smell_ the chilli anymore!" This unwarranted closeness with a relative stranger freaked Itachi out to such an extent that he rose stiffly and announced, "I want to go to Joyland now."

Fortunately, everyone else was ready to leave, and Itachi was able to pass off his social reticence as accurately reading the crowd. As we were in high-spirits, we left a big tip for Nishi and Matsu at the bar and wandered along to the bus station in our big group. As I predicted, the group was rather large and made up of disparate circles of friends and acquaintances, and we ended up splintering into smaller groups. I ended up with Itachi, Jiraiya, Kiku, Ayame, Kisame, Tsunade and Dan and stuck with them for most of the night. Others came and went, but this was my core group, so to speak.

The X1 express to Joyland was already parked in its specially allocated stand, ready to leave, when he arrived at the bus station, so we had to rush to buy our tickets and scramble for the bus. I ended up sitting at the front next to Itachi, with Kisame and Jiraiya across the aisle. The rest of the Akatsuki lot boarded last, the shambling bunch of nutters, and naturally headed straight for the back. It seemed that Sai was destined to belong to their 'core group' as he breezed past me, smiling his Sai smile and waving.

"Hi, Sasuke! Uchiha-san!" he said politely, as Sasori grabbed his hand and propelled him along the aisle.

Curious, because it appeared Sai had not yet undergone a complete personality transplant, I craned my head round my seat to follow him. I watched as he sat next to Sasori in the back row, swinging his legs up and resting them across Sasori's. Then he reached into his black man-bag and pulled out two cigarettes, placed one in Sasori's mouth, one in his, and lit them both. The other Akatsuki higher-ups did not seem in the least troubled by this, so I assumed they were used to it. I wondered how many times Sai had been to see Sasori since that fateful day at the art exhibit?

At any rate, however, they shouldn't have been smoking, since I could count at least three rather large, obvious signs that clearly stated it was forbidden. But as if I was going to march back there and tell them not to. I decided I'd let them figure it out for themselves, and I shook my head and turned back to the conversation Jiraiya and Kisame were having about tongue-cleaners on the backs of toothbrushes.

It wasn't long before the driver's voice called out over the crackling tannoy, "I would like to remind all passengers that this vehicle is strictly non-smoking." When it was clear Sasori wasn't going to stop, the driver made his announcement again, with a little more specific emphasis. "Smoking is not allowed on this vehicle, so would the passenger at the back of the bus please extinguish his cigarette."

Exchanging significant glances, Kisame and I looked around. Of course, Sasori had not put out his cigarette, and seemed to be taking his time to enjoy it. He was staring at the big mirror at the front of the bus, as though daring the driver to ask him again. Deidara was bouncing on his seat, grinning evilly. I could see his head bobbing up and down behind Shikamaru. Then he cupped his hands around his mouth, forming a natural megaphone, and yelled:

"THE DRIVER IS A BALDY BASTAAAAAAAAAARD!"

Hidan began to snort with laughter at this, and decided to get in on the act.

"YEAH! FUCK THE DRIVER!" he shouted. "THE DRIVER SUCKS COCKS!"

"BALDY, BALDY! PACHINKO BALL BALDY!"

Then, Deidara and Hidan decided to co-ordinate their attack and launched into an idiosyncratic rendition of The Farmer in the Dell. You know? That kid's song that goes: "The farmer's in the dell. The farmer's in the dell. Hi- ho, the derry-o, the farmer's in the dell." Except Deidara and Hidan's lyrics were a lot less child friendly.

"The driver is a dick!" they sang lustily, at the tops of their lungs. "The driver is a dick! Oh what a total prick, the driver is a dick!"

And they kept singing it, and singing it, and singing it, until the bus shuddered to a halt. Furious, the bald-headed driver – covered in tattoos – threw the cabin door open and emerged with a baseball bat, whacking it menacingly into his palms.

"OFF!" he roared. "NOW!"

I don't think Deidara and the others expected him to be armed. They gave him a wary look for a brief moment, before they stood up, defeated, and sauntered down the aisle. Sai went with them. As they passed, Kakuzu gave Itachi and Kisame a look that said "You traitors…" but Kisame merely grinned and said, "See you at Joyland!"

Having rid the bus of the disruptive delinquents at the back, the driver huffed, climbed back into his cabin, slammed the door shut behind him and started the bus. We were at the entrance five minutes later (while the Akatsuki lot had a twenty minute walk ahead of them. Idiots.)

When we stepped off the bus, I was met with the immediate and familiar smell of popcorn and cotton candy. And no wonder. Everywhere I looked, there were little yellow flowers of crushed popcorn underfoot, and I swear there was a cotton candy stand every few feet or so, with bags of the stuff in every colour of the rainbow tied to racks on their roofs. I realised with a jolt of happiness that this was a great time to come, because all the kids and their families were heading off to the parking lot, leaving the place to the adults. Naruto had chosen well.

We found Neji and TenTen waiting just outside the ticket office, and we picked them up and headed for the turnstiles. Once I had distributed the All-Access-Admission tickets – the only matter of business left to attend to – everyone scattered. It was like Christmas shopping at the Oto Mall all over again. As soon as the ticket was in Naruto's hand, he bellowed, "YEAH, SASUKE! I WANNA GO ON THE PARALYSER!" and he shot off through the turnstiles, with Kiba and Shino in hot pursuit.

Bemused, I turned to Itachi and said, "Paralyser?"

Itachi shrugged, and we headed off for the continent's longest, fastest rollercoaster. It's called "The Paralyser" because at one point in the ride, it propels you around a loop at 3.85 g-force and people have been known to black-out. Joyland are so proud of this, they have a "Black Out Gallery" decorating the queue walls before you go on the ride. Thankfully, we were only able to catch a brief glimpse of the series of ashen mug-shots because we had the AAA tickets, and we were propelled to the head of the queue. Tsunade and Dan refused to go on, so they said they'd get us at the Jekyll and Hyde Pub in Haunted Town. Ayame almost chickened out too, but Kiku and I managed to persuade her.

"C'mon, sis!" Kiku squeaked. "You don't have to go on the front or anything, like Naruto and the other guys. You can sit at the back with me and Jiraiya! Or Sasuke and Itachi. Yeah?"

Eventually, Ayame gave in to our persistence, and joined us in the five-seater row, jammed in between Itachi and I. Her face was white when the harnesses were lowered and locked, and she whimpered when the gate flung itself open and we began to trundle up the dizzyingly high ascent. It stopped very briefly at the top – either to let the enthusiasts enjoy the view, or to prolong the torture of the terrified. You can see for miles, the whole of Konoha as a twinkling sea of lights – and Jiraiya, being too excited to care about anyone else said, "Hey, babe! I can see my house from here! No, seriously. Look, look!"

"Shut up!" Ayame hissed, clutching white-knuckled at the metal hand-grips.

"Oh come on!" Jiraiya called out over the strong breeze, chuckling. "You're not seriously scared, are ya?"

Ayame opened her mouth to snap back at Jiraiya, but instead her words came out in a prolonged scream as the cart tipped over the edge and fired us down the long drop at sixty-five miles per hour.

"JIRAIYA, I HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!"

The coaster thundered along the tracks, throwing us this way and that, executing blistering double-reverses, cork-screws and loops – even crashing through a wall of water. The whole way round, I could hear Ayame screaming, and at an indeterminate point, a discerned the white flash of a camera. A distant part of me made a mental note to check the photos at the end because Ayame would be hilarious, but I was more immediately concerned with the fast approaching ring of fire. Having propelled us through it at lightning speed and singeing the soles of our shoes, the coaster executed one final corkscrew before slowing down and coming to a halt on the home straight.

My hair was a mess, I knew it, but I was grinning like a madman, and I raised my head and yelled, with reckless abandon, "That was awesome!"

Naruto answered. "YEAH, SASUKE! THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT EVER!"

And at that point, it was.

When I stepped off the coaster, the adrenaline was still coursing through my veins, and I dragged Ayame and the others over to the photo booth so I could order our picture. As I had suspected, it was indeed hilarious. In the front row, Naruto, Shikamaru, Chouji, Kiba and Shino were all making the "RAWK" sign with both hands thrust skywards; Jiraiya's hair had come out and had partially engulfed her, like a huge, hairy hair-monster; my eyes were half-closed and I looked like I had a syndrome of some sort, and Ayame had grabbed Itachi's hand and sported a look of pure terror on her face that made me chortle most heartily. In the back row, Kisame looked as though he was about to puke; TenTen as though she had seen a ghost (most likely the ring of fire); Lee's face was fixed in a rictus grin, and Neji's writhing, black tendrils of hair obscured his face.

Naturally, I paid for the photo. Ayame protested, but that only made me more keen. Each of us bought a copy and we headed along to the Jekyll and Hyde Pub to find Tsunade and Dan because Kisame and Ayame were feeling a little green around the gills. Naruto and the others doubled back to go on again. On the way to Haunted Town, I purchased some blue cotton-candy. In Haunted Town itself, I purchased some more cotton-candy (coloured black) and some chewy bats, so by the time we reached the Jekyll and Hyde pub, I was feeling none too chirpy myself.

Inside, Tsunade and Dan waved us over, and a waitress took our drinks order –mine just a bottle of Tsing Tao – and we got chatting.

Dan, because he had been late arriving with Tsunade, had not heard me explaining what felt like a million times why the boss wasn't with me, so he asked – and because I felt safe telling them, and because Itachi wasn't listening, I told them the truth.

"He organised this stupid birthday dinner for Kimimaro and tried to force me to go," I said, rolling my eyes. "Oh no, wait, sorry – he invited me out of _courtesy_…"

"He didn't!" Tsunade said suddenly, her eyes bright and alert.

"He did."

"Idiot!" Tsunade hissed. "The absolute idiot." She paused for a moment, shaking her head, and then looked up at me, saying, "You know he's mad about you, don't you?"

"So he maintains…"

"No," she said firmly. "He is. He really is. I'm not lying." Then a change of tack as she rummaged around in her handbag and added, "I'm going to call him."

As soon as she said it, it felt like something cold and heavy had settled in the region of my chest. I looked at my watch. It was half-past ten. Here I had been away for about four hours and the boss hadn't called me – not once. A tingling, creeping feeling of dread settled about me as I felt for my phone. Checking it, I had two missed calls and a text – but none from the boss. They were from Kabuto and Karin. Suddenly, I had a bad feeling – totally unfounded, but nevertheless, it was there, and I could not shake it. The boss wasn't with me, he hadn't called, and Tsunade was concerned. Things only got worse when I checked my text from Kabuto and read the contents. It said:

'At Joyland with Suigetsu and the others. Finished dinner and got on the last flight to Konoha. Met Deidara. Tell Karin where you are. She doesn't want to go on the Paralyser again. – K.'

I almost freaked out.

"Tsunade!" I whispered fiercely, reaching over and tugging at her jacket. "Tsunade! There's no one supervising! There's no one supervising!"

Tsunade lifted the phone away from her ear. "What?"

"Kabuto, Karin, Suigetsu, Gen and Amachi!" I said urgently, having to fight the pressing urge to catch a flight then and there back to Otogakure. "They're here! There's no one supervising! They left the boss alone with Kimimaro. _Alone_!"

Tsunade and Dan exchanged significant glances, and Dan ventured hesitantly, "Maybe you should try calling him again, Tsunade. He might be down in the labs. You know how he gets when something sparks his interest—"

"He didn't answer, did he?" I said slowly, realisation dawning.

"He'll answer if _you_ call him," Tsunade replied firmly, as though trying to convince me. She picked up my phone and handed it to me.

I sighed and hit speed dial.

Since I didn't really expect him to answer, I was surprised when he did, and I was rendered lost for words – no excuse forthcoming. I must have sounded like a proper moron.

"Hello?"

"Oh… umm… hi, Orochimaru-sama. It's me… umm… Sasuke."

A rustle, as though the boss was repositioning himself, and he said, characteristically teasing, "Yes, Sasuke-kun. I would have been surprised if it wasn't you. There is useful little function on phones nowadays, you see. Oh… what's it called again? Ahh yes. Caller ID."

"Shut up," I muttered, feeling myself going red and glad he couldn't see me.

"Now what was it you wanted, my dear Sasuke-kun?"

"Umm… well… you didn't call me, and I was just wondering if you were going to. It's been four hours and you usually call me every five seconds, or it feels that way. It's freaking me out a bit."

"I apologise, Sasuke-kun," the boss said, with a hint of amusement. "Would you like me to call you every five seconds?"

"Yeah. Well, no. Not every five seconds. You know what I mean. Like you usually do."

"Ahh… like I usually do," the boss said, feigning realisation. "Then I shall do my best."

There was a pause, which I sought to fill by gabbling inanely. I don't know why, but I felt desperate to continue the conversation, felt it essential that I divert all his attention onto me. While I was talking – and I know this sounds awful – but I was listening for sounds that would have given away the presence of another in the room, another that was not me but should have been: Kimimaro.

"Umm… so, how was the dinner?" I began, lamely.

"Wonderful, thank you," the boss replied, quite cheerful. "Though Kabuto-kun and the others left a little early for my liking, but they turned up, so I will not have to start head-hunting tomorrow morning."

"That's good," I said, realising that the boss had no idea they were all here right now. I wanted it to stay that way, because at that moment, I saw Karin coming through the door, smiling and waving.

"Umm… sorry, but I've got to go," I said suddenly, not wanting to drop Karin in it. "We're just about to go on a ride."

"Oh, and what ride is that?"

"The Paralyzer," I lied, saying the first thing that came into my mind.

"That sounds horrendous."

"It is. You wouldn't like it. 3.85 g-force. People faint regularly."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Then I shan't keep you, Sasuke-kun. Please do not injure yourself."

"I'll try not to," I said, firing the words out frantically. "Bye! Call me later!"

I didn't catch whether the boss said goodbye or not, because I hit the cancel button just as Karin reached our table and leaned over to hug me.

"Hi, Sasuke!" she said cheerfully. "We got here in the end. Totally mad rush. The boss doesn't know about us, so please don't tell him."

I said I'd been on the phone to him two seconds ago and that I hadn't said a word. Karin seemed relieved.

"Who's everyone then?" she asked, looking around our table. "Kiku and Jiraiya I know already… and is that Itachi? Oh my god, Itachi, I haven't seen you since… wow has it really been that long? And Kisame… pleased to meet you, Kisame; and this is…? Oh _you're_ Ayame? Wow, you're as pretty as Kiku always says you are! I'm so jealous of that figure of yours! And this is… Tsunade, Dan, Neji and TenTen. Cool. Pleased to meet you all. I'm Karin. I do sales and marketing at Oto Enterprises. I'm always working with Sasuke. That's how I know him. I'm not a mad stalker or anything, ha ha!"

We sat in the Jekyll and Hyde pub for another hour after that, and Karin was on form the whole time, seamlessly fitting into our group and charming the birds out the trees. No one objected to her tagging along when we got a text from Naruto asking if we were coming to the haunted house.

Outside, the smells of popcorn and sweet, tasty things wafted over to greet me, and happily, they no longer made me feel ill. I was also feeling more relaxed in general, since I had imbibed three bottles of Tsing Tao in the pub and was starting to forget about the boss. Karin had fallen into step beside me, and we were chatting away, getting along famously.

There's loads of stuff to do in Haunted Town, loads of silly things to try and buy. In a fit of elated generosity, I bought Karin a cuddly skeleton. She said she'd treasure it forever and named it Esteban, after the guy who got eaten by the jaguar shark in _The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou_. I liked that movie, and had watched it a few times with the boss, so I said I approved of the name. Karin smiled and said she was glad I liked it.

We were still laughing and walking together when we got to the Haunted House. Naruto was waiting outside with Kabuto, Deidara, Sasori, Sai. The latter three had their cameras out, taking photos, and I could hear Sasori saying, "— an excellent exhibit. Just imagine the potential for interactivity. We'll need to ask Kabuto how to—" before Naruto's voice drowned out all else.

"Hey, guys! What kept ya?" he said, impatient. His arms shot out and he grabbed my and Karin's hands and dragged us inside. "C'mon! Let's go!"

The Haunted House was great. I always love it, and I've been in it many, many times. It's one of my favourite rides at Joyland Park, as it's free-roaming, meaning you can go wherever you like, whenever you like, and there are lots of scary tricks and traps to keep you diverted. Tsunade fell victim to the screaming, scarlet skeleton in the parlour, having unwittingly activated the infra-red tripwire. It came flying towards her, shrieking, all clawed hands in a halo of red light, and she actually fell on her arse trying to get away from it. We all laughed – Jiraiya especially, but his turn came when an actor dressed in a zombie suit burst out from a doorway and tried to drag him inside. He was so scared, he almost punched the guy, but Naruto managed to convince him it wasn't a real zombie, so nothing was injured but Jiraiya's pride. (I pulled the actor aside and warned him about Sasori and Deidara coming in behind us, as they would definitely have punched him.)

The best part, though, was the rolling room – the hallway upstairs that starts to rotate as you're walking through with your group (Naruto calls it the "barrel roll room.") Karin and I had a bit of trouble with it, since I had a few beers and Karin a few cocktails. While Itachi strolled through it, rock-steady on his feet, Ayame following shortly after. Neji and TenTen made it through fine, as did Naruto, who took it at a run, shouting "DO A BARREL ROLL!". Kiku kept falling and had to crawl, but she made it eventually. After that, it was our turn. Stumbling, cursing and giggling like idiots, Karin and I tried our best, but we made it to the middle and Karin went down, taking me with her.

Soon, I was crying with laughter – Karin too – and we were stuck in the middle of the rolling hallway, shuffling on our arses and buffing the floor clean so we didn't end up doing a 360.

"Oh my god," Karin breathed, helpless with laughter. "I never should've worn these heels! Sasuke, help me up – you're supposed to be the man!"

"I can't…" I chortled, clinging on to her, trying to help myself up. "I can't!"

Jiraiya and Dan had to rescue us in the end, because we were causing the queue to back-up. Sasori, Sai, Deidara and Kabuto had caught up with us. It really was hilarious, though. Karin and I were still laughing when we ran out the "back door" and headed for the sticky wall at Kiku's suggestion.

After the Haunted House, my night… was so much better. I went on loads of rides: the river rapids, the 3D terminator thing, the twin dragons rollercoaster (Karin felt well enough to tackle it), Susanoo (the long drop water ride), Fujin's Fear Fall, Raijin (a scary coaster in the dark that is meant to replicate the birth of the god of thunder – awesome), and the really freaky Oni-Killer – a new ride with a story where this old wizard has caught a terrible demon, but it breaks through its glass prison and you're strapped in your chair and can feel its breath on the back of your neck.

Despite the pant-wetting terror of Oni-Killer, I was on cloud nine. Surrounded by friends and family. Couldn't have been happier. Nothing could have spoiled it for me – even when Hidan got us booted out of the park at 2:00am for kicking off because he got his arm stuck in Leo the Paper Eating Lion and took it out on the park attendant we had to call to rescue him. Hell, even that turned out alright, because it meant we were forced to catch an earlier bus back and thus avoided the rush. (Hidan was banned from Joyland, though – even had his picture taken by security. Is there anywhere that man hasn't been banned from?)

At any rate, we got on the bus, managed to get back to the city centre in one piece and I said goodbye to everyone. Itachi and the others went back to their hotel; Ayame, Jiraiya and Kiku back to Teuchi-san's; and the rest of the Konoha lot back to their respective homes and apartments. That left myself, Naruto, Sakura and the Otogakure party-crashing responsibility-shirkers. There isn't much room in Sakura's apartment, but she graciously gave everyone permission to stay.

"As long as you don't mind sleeping on the floor," she said.

"Fine by me," Suigetsu said. "I've slept in worse places."

And so here I am, cocooned in an alpine sleeping bag on Sakura's sofa. Suigetsu is on the floor, jammed in between my sofa and the coffee table, snoring blissfully in a Scooby-doo sleeping bag (Sakura had to scrape the bottom of the barrel to cater for everyone); Gen is slumped in the armchair, his mouth open and his neck bent in an exceedingly uncomfortable-looking position; Amachi is still up and in the kitchen, chatting to Sakura; Naruto and Kabuto are on the other sofa, warring even in their sleep for the greater surface area; and Karin is squashed up at the other end of my sofa, curled into the foetal position and wrapped tightly in a yellow quilt. Her feet keep brushing mine. It tickles.

It's strange how I can be so happy and so nervous at the same time. Well… maybe nervous isn't quite the right word. It's more like a quiet dread.

The boss didn't call me again. Still hasn't called me.

He seemed okay on the phone – was, indeed, okay when I left, _and_ the night before I left (if, admittedly, acting a tad odd.)

I just hope that…

No. I don't want to say it. He wouldn't, though? Would he? I mean, Tsunade said he was mad about me, didn't she? But then, he was 'mad about' Kimimaro and Kabuto too, and look what happened there.

Jeez…

I don't want to think about this anymore. I'm sure it'll be fine. The boss is just a bit put out by the fact I've gone and done something off of my own volition for a change. It's wounded pride, nothing more. I'll get back, and he'll be his old, unbearable self again, and he'll apologise for not calling me and will explain why.

Yes. It'll all be okay. No use spoiling my night by worrying, is there?

I guess I'd better try to get some sleep. Our flight is leaving at seven-thirty in the morning and we have to be up and out of here by six. The plan is to get into work without the boss knowing the rest of them were even here, so we must arrive at HQ at quarter to nine, suited and booted and ready to go. I have the funniest feeling we're going to get through a shitload of Red Bull.

Man… I'm not relishing the thought of having to wake up Suigetsu in a few hours. He's going to be awful, I can sense it.

* * *

So... yes. For those of you who haven't caught it yet, there's a moment in this chapter that is significant. Hugely significant. You can probably guess what the moment is, but hopefully not what it means, for it's kind of the emotional and psychological crux of the whole damn story. This chapter was a bit of a pain in the ass at first. At first, I tried to fit in an idea I liked but cut out of the new, finalised, streamlined plan because it wasn't... well... streamlined. I soon realised why. It didn't move the story on at all. Three days slogging over it for nothing, so I scrapped the thing and started over again, sticking loosely to the original plan. Boom! Twelve MS Word pages in one day. Yay for the master plan, lol! And also good, since I'm going away for a week to Cambridge and London (uni work, ugh) and wanted it to be done and dusted before then. Success!

But all talk of master plans and minor triumphs aside, it is time for the most important (and fun!) part. The thank-yous! :)

**NayanRoo** (I never thought about Suri being Tom Cruise's daughter (totally forgot) but now you've brought it to my attention... I can so go for that! I hate Tom Cruise. He's incredibly creepy, and anything that gets a dig in is fine in my book. So yes. Now it is offically a dig at Tom Cruise! :-D And yes... bad things are looming. You can probably sense it in this chapter. Drama is about to rear its ugly head (and I'm so looking forward to writing it - muchos Oro/Sasuke tension). Also, I've been wanting to catch up on Shadowplay for weeks now. Since I'm going on a week-long training course on Sunday (nyargh!) I think it's high time I rewarded myself. Expect reviews! :D)

**Ladyrouge214** (Oh yes, Sasuke is incredibly jealous. He just doesn't want to admit it to himself. Uchihan pride knows no bounds, after all...)

**YoungSasuke** (I don't think you were reading too much into things at all. Sasuke greatly underestimates Naruto sometimes, and I do think a part of Naruto wants revenge. Whether it comes up in the remaining chapters or not...)

**Bri** (Oh the revenge was sweet, wasn't it? I did it mainly to show just how nasty Oro can be. You get little flashes of it throughout, preparing you for the tidal wave of evil that threatens to unleash. Neji and TenTen did make a brief appearance in this chapter, so I hope you were happy. Neji, in particular, will be making an important appearance later, and that's why I put him in this chapter. I leave you to speculate on what purpose it holds. ;))

**Luna-Lunak** (Yay! Itachi did appear in this chapter - and his appearance was important (I leave you to guess why. It's one of those little things I hope people don't notice.) And Sasuke is, indeed, a possessive, loveable bastard. Oro, however, is also a possessive bastard (loveable is debateable). This, I think, will cause friction between the two. They both want to have their cake and eat it, and we all know life doesn't work out that way...)

**dooki** (I do _sort of_ try to keep them in character. It's like, in the back of my mind, I know roughly how they should behave and try to work it into the funny stuff, but other aspects (like Oro's psychotic nihilism and murderous streak) are played down. Still there, but played down. Also, the crack does kinda skew them a bit. XD I'm glad you liked the weasel backstory. I loved writing that.)

**Kutsushita-Socks** (IT IS A BOOSH BABY! One hundred points to the Hogwarts house of your choice for spotting the reference! Kiku loves teh bush! :D)

**Roxanne Morinaka** (It's not bitchiness! It's... acknowledging your anger. Yes. That's it. Acknowledging your anger. I mean, would the potential phone owner prefer it you take it out on them? Exactly. Smashing phones is much safer, lol. And wow, you read the whole thing at once? No wonder it took you a couple of days! XD Glad you like it, though!)

**Insomniac Owl** (Well, I have already answered your question via LJ, lol. And I've changed my mind about the whole thing again (typical of me, though; I can never settle on an opinion longer than it takes for an alternative proof to present itself.) Hmmm.. another Sasuke/Kimimaro confrontation. It's not far off, but I think we'll get another sort of conflict before the knives really come out. After this chapter, the focus is strictly on Sasuke. It'll be a bumpy ride, but a fun one, I assure you. :D)

**Violet203** (And you, too, clocked the Mighty Boosh reference! You must be British, lol. Kiku totally loves the Bush. It's that Noel Fielding. Girls like her cannot resist his bone-headed charm. )

**Nozomi-sama** (You know, I used to hate exams. That was until I exchanged them for a bloody PhD. I thought never having to do another exam again would be brilliant, but now I realise that once you do them and get them over with they're gone and you don't have to worry about them anymore. Unlike my stupid uni thing, which I'm trapped in for three years and have to produce something spectacular at the end. I don't miss the stress of exams, though - so good luck getting through them!)

**BookWyrrm** (A new reviewer? Yay and double yay! Glad you took the time to leave a comment. They really are appreciated. Oh, I so loved writing the part where Jiriaya told Naruto the truth. It was sad, but good, you know?)

**fiore777** (The needle was... very in-character. I can just imagine him on a day-to-day basis going "HAY KABUTO-KUN, GET ME THAT BIIIIIIIIG HYPODERMIC OVER THERE! kukuku..." Glad you liked the weasel backstory. I loved writing it. Itachi and Sasu as kids is just too adorable to leave alone. And yeah, Naruto and Sasuke did get on kind of well from the start. They bickered and shoved and teased each other, but they were still friends. Kind of like the manga, where they start out trying to one-up the other and calling each other losers, but they do occasionally show signs of real, lasting bonds. Yeah. I like that whole relationship they've got going on. I hope they fall in before one or both of them die at the end of the manga (it's so going to happen.)

**hieilover135** (Hey, don't worry about not reviewing all the time. I know only too well that life kicks you in the ass sometimes and you can't spend as much time with fanfic (tear) as you would like. Damn life. I shake my fist at you! Spam bombs, though, are definitely real. You can programme them and let them loose. I think they're actually illegal, so you'd get a bit of jail time if you were caught.)

**Beqs** (If you were outraged about Oro texting Kimi in the last chapter, I dread to think what you think of Oro's behaviour in this chapter. How dare he, indeed! What on earth is he thinking?)

**Neko Oni** (Yes, Oro does do revenge very well. Very, very well. I think Sasuke will have to remember that if he ever chooses to cross him. I'm glad you liked the chapter, though. I had fun writing it. I loled at you saying that no matter how hard a day you've had, Sasuke has always had worse. XD It's probably true, the poor thing!)

**chibibaka1** (Oh, Kiku. I'm glad you like Kiku because I've ended up liking her rather a lot now. Originally, she was just a character invented to be Jiraiya's girlfriend, but now she's so much more. And you got the Ninja Scroll reference! :D One-hundred points to the Hogwarts house of your choice! I love that movie. Utsusu Mujuro was great. He could've killed Jubei ten times over if Kagero hadn't stepped in and helped him.)

**Kokura** (Mmmm... can you smell it? Can you sense it? It is drama: and it is well and truly on the horizon. To make it up to you, though, and calm your nerves, I promise it will have many bitchy and funny turns - and lots and lots of Oro/Sasu tension. Oh yes. I hope you're no longer dead from exhaustion. Being someone who needs their sleep LIEK WHOA, being up for 48 hours straight sounds like proper hell.)

**sesshy-stalker-kendra** (Yay! Another new reviewer! I caper and dance with glee. Thanks so much for taking the time to review. Really. It's always appreciated. Thanks even more for reviewing my other stuff. It makes me grin like a lunatic when people do that. Hee! :D At one point in time, there was a proposition to start up a compensation fund for readers who injured themselves while reading this fic. Perhaps you could dip into it for your rubber pantaloons (that made me lol, btw! XD))

**ArilianaFireQueen** (Hey! You're back! I was beginning to wonder whether real life had kicked you in the butt. Damn real life. XD And don't worry about missing a couple of reviews. I know how evil school and computers can be. Your school-girl senses are not wrong. There will be another confrontation - but probably not quite what you're expecting. I cannot wait to write that scene, actually. I'm itching to tell people, lol! I guess that just means I'll have to update quicker. XD)

**Chromde** (Oh, the porn novel line! That was actually one of the ones that cracked me up when I first thought of it. It was like I was thinking, "Let's take canon and just make it totally wrong! Yeah! That'll be great!" And I did, lol. XD I'm glad you liked the Naruto-Sasuke-Weasel backstory. I loved, loved, loved writing it. Naru and Sasu as kids is just too cute, and I couldn't help but go there. Sasuke was quite chilling at the end there, wasn't he? Watch out for that trait... (And Jabdah is God! XD))

**Kaira-chan15** (Lol, I see you're still working your way through this humungous, epic, rambling monster of a fic. XD Good, good. And you're taking me back to all of my favourite parts from the earlier chapters! Especially that bit where Sasuke innocently goes in for a towel and finds Oro staring out at him from the closet. Just thinking about that makes me lol. Still. XD. And Itachi does indeed possess a bladder of iron. And a stomach lining of iron, or so it seems from the spicy special ramen.)

**NaruGuru** (I'm so glad you liked the last chapter. There were a few bits that I just loved writing, and maybe it showed. Namely, the two bits you mentioned: the Naruto-Sasuke Weasel backstory, and the Jiraiya Telling Naruto the Truth scenes. They were both pretty damned important for later on, but they were fun anyway. I wonder if you approved of Oro and Sasuke's laissez-faire method of looking after Kylie, though. I'd hazard a guess and say no. XD I share your desire for Naruto to learn about his parents in the actual manga. Now that Jiraiya's gone, I wonder who will tell him?)

**Aperion** (Wow, what a couple of reviews! The Bertrand Russel quip made me lol, big style. Especially the part where Oro and Kabuto end him with a papercut. Of course, they are ninjas. No matter how clever you are, you are not immune from a well-placed kick to the nadgers. That's why nerds get into trouble at school, I guess. Ooh, and you are definitely not far off the mark in your desire for ominous things, sex, violence and dry witticism. In fact, over the next couple of chapters, I can guarantee all of those things! I just hope you like drama, lol. )

* * *

Well, until next time, guys! :)


	38. Chapter 38

A Day in the Life

* * *

AN: It's my mum's birthday today. Happy birthday mum, lol. But on no account are you to read this. On no account! If you have managed to get this far, then step away, and wait until a man in black shows up at your door and wipes your memory. Thank you.

* * *

July 22nd

Love.

It makes the world go round, apparently. At least that's what I heard in a song once. It was either Perry Como or the Powerpuff Girls (strange options, I know, but I had an argument with Jiraiya over it when I asked him earlier, who _insists_ it was Perry Como I heard. I still think it was the Powerpuff Girls, but whatever, Jiraiya.)

At any rate, love is the metaphorical fulcrum upon which the delicate balance of our existence sits. If things are going smoothly and no one rocks the boat, love is wonderful and makes you feel like you want to skip along the bank of a gentle river upon a summer's day, hand in hand with your beloved, grinning silly grins at one another and making bitter singletons want to vomit. If things are not going so well, the fulcrum turns and you are plunged into the dark depths of a desperate despair. Weeping and bemoaning your fate, it will make you long for the carefree life of the aforementioned bitter singletons. Either that, or love generally makes things difficult for you when, let's say, you are quite happily attached but other people's love problems are impinging upon your hard-earned content.

I have had such a long day, and I have resorted to staying a little late at the office to write this, as there is absolutely no way the boss can know about what went on during lunch. The situation has been dealt with, with as much patience and kindness as I can muster, but if he ever finds out, I think Karin would lose her job. Plus, Naruto has also confided in me regarding relationship problems (not before time), and I'm not sure he would relish hearing the boss's input if the boss were to "accidentally" read today's entry as he has so often done in the past.

Actually, I'm really not sure what I'm going to do about the Karin thing. We're supposed to be leaving for the Suna coast for the Product of the Year awards tonight, and I'm going to be around her constantly for the next couple of days. Of course, I value her friendship and I do still like her, but obviously I cannot become involved with her in any physical capacity because the boss would most probably have her murdered.

I suppose I could always talk about Naruto first. Since it doesn't directly affect me, there is no real problem-solving process involved, no angst on my part, and is therefore infinitely easier to talk about. Yes. Let's write about Naruto first. Maybe it'll help me solve my own problems, because, now that I think about it, there is a slight resemblance in the whole 'letting people down gently' issue. Perhaps some of my own advice would be the wisest course to take?

One moment. Kisame's calling me.

LATER:

Today has… suddenly gone careering downhill.

On the phone, not a moment ago, Kisame was asking whether the boss had booked the Ritz-Carlton suite at the Suna Ritz-Carlton because uncle Madara had had Konan try to acquire it for him, to no avail. I informed Kisame that yes, the boss had indeed booked the Ritz-Carlton suite for us, along with the Club Carlton, the Club Tower, the Club Millenia, the Club Executive, the Tower Deluxe and the Club Deluxe suites for the sole use of the rest of the higher-ups because he was in a good mood that day and wanted to splash out. As I was telling Kisame this, I heard a voice in the background and a short scuffling as the phone, presumably, changed hands. Then uncle Madara's familiar, insincere tones rose to greet me. As he spoke, I could picture him clearly: his long, black choppy hair; his false smile that never reaches his eyes; perched alertly upon the very edge of Kisame's desk - probably dressed in red or black. In an instant, my hackles were raised and I was put on the defence, even though it was only a short conversation. The man never fails to elicit a reaction from me – and I hate him for it.

"Greetings, Sasuke," he said, with a customary hint of amusement. "How nice to hear from you again."

"Put Kisame back on, or I'm hanging up," I replied coldly.

"Now, now… there is no need for that," uncle Madara went on, laughing. "I merely wished to enquire about the situation at the Suna Ritz-Carlton, though I gather from what you were telling Kisame that Orochimaru has already acquired the Ritz-Carlton suite for his own use. No matter. I shall have to content myself with the Presidential."

"Yeah, well, sucks to be you," I said, maturely.

"Perhaps," uncle Madara replied casually, "or will it _suck_ to be you? For you, I feel, will be the one who will be obliged to tolerate my malcontent over dinner."

I fell into a state of stunned, outraged silence as the reality of the situation – that I would be stuck in the same hotel as uncle Madara for _two days_ – finally sunk in. At the other end of the phone, uncle Madara, perhaps, sensed this, as he took the opportunity to further turn the thumbscrews as he added, with unnecessary cheer, "Fear not, Sasuke. I shall abide. I _very_ much look forward to seeing you again. Until tomorrow!"

Then he hung up, leaving me open-mouthed and fuming at my desk.

You know, I never would have believed it possible that I could hate that man any more, but I have definitely hopped over another border into a whole new kingdom of loathing. I cannot believe I will have to share hotel space with that slimy arsehole. I cannot believe he has RUINED this trip for me – one eagerly anticipated on my part because it has been a life's ambition of mine to stay in the Ritz-Carlton suite in the mind-bogglingly luxurious Suna Ritz-Carlton hotel. And… oh god, it's going to be on my birthday!

I can't believe this. First having to put up with Kimimaro, and now him?

What a wanker…

LATER:

Apologies. I have only just realised I forgot to write about Naruto and Karin. Uncle Madara's malevolent smarm can do that to one, I find.

Anyway, as I was saying…

At breakfast this morning, having risen curiously early, I wandered down to the dining room to see if I could have my coffee and bagel there instead of on a tray in the bedroom as per usual. Imagine my surprise when I found Naruto already sitting there, elbows on the table, with a glass of Mountain Dew and a bowl of Lucky Charms, half-eaten. He was staring off into space, apparently (and strangely) lost in thought. He heard me coming, though, and looked round, grinning at me with no sign of sleepiness.

"Hey, Sasuke," he said, picking up his spoon and shovelling it into his bowl of sugary rubbish.

"Hey," I said, stifling a yawn and taking a seat across from him. "What're you doing up?"

Naruto's retarded reply came out in a muffled spray of half-masticated Lucky Charm ooze.

"Mmph—What're _you_ doin' up?"

Not feeling much like playing a variant of the 'I know you are but what am I?' game at stupid am on a weekday, I sighed and said, a little irritated, "I just woke up early, Naruto, that's all. Are you going to tell me why you're up or am I going to have to go back to bed on account of you pissing me off?"

Naruto managed to swallow and said, his hands aloft in a conciliatory gesture, "Okay, okay, dude! Jeez, I was only kidding. Nah, but really, I was just doin' some thinking. You know. About stuff… and stuff."

"You were… doing some thinking?" I said slowly, unable to quite believe what Naruto had just said to me.

"Yeah."

"About stuff?"

"Yeah!"

"What sort of stuff?"

"Girl stuff," he said, with a shrug of his shoulders. "And life stuff. The two kinda go together."

"So… would you care to tell me what the girl and life stuff is all about? I mean, only if you want to, of course. I might be able to help."

There was a moment's pause as Naruto's mouth worked industriously while he considered my offer. Then he shrugged again, smiled, and said, "Yeah, okay. I guess I can tell you because you know most of the stuff anyway."

"Okay," I said, setting my elbows on the table in my patented listening stance. "Shoot."

"So yeah, I was thinking about life and work and girls and stuff, and well… dude, you know I like Hinata, right? I mean, since we've been going out, I like her more and more, yeah?"

"I should hope so."

"Well, yeah. But see the thing is – and this might be kind of a shock, dude, so don't go all funny on me or laugh or anything – but I think Sakura might like me."

I had to fight very hard to keep a straight face to be able to say, without the merest hint of a flicker of mirth, "Oh? What makes you think that?" when what I really wanted to do was laugh in his face and yell, "Oh my god! And you've _only_ just noticed?"

Naruto's brow furrowed as he recounted his reasoning.

"I dunno. She's just been real nice, is all. I mean, she danced with me at Asuma and Kurenai's wedding, she calls me all the time, she hasn't yelled at me for ages, she let me take her out for ramen, she came to the hospital when I texted her to tell her about Kylie, and she went to sleep on my shoulder later and when she woke up she said, "I'm so lucky to have you, Naruto" (I did not know about _that_ one!) I mean, just little things like that, dude. But they've kinda all piled up and I'm wondering…"

"Wondering what?" I asked slowly, peering at him across the table in a cautious and calculating manner. "You're not thinking about breaking up with Hinata, are you?"

Naruto looked agitated and began to fidget. "Man, that's the thing, dude. I really like Hinata, but I don't think I can do the whole relationship thing anymore—"

"So you want to go out with Sakura because you think she likes you now?" I said flatly.

"No, dude! That's not it!" Naruto implored, quite distressed, his normally cheerful and slightly vacant face a picture of misery. "I don't think I can go out with Sakura even if she likes me!"

I must admit, at that point I was quite dumbfounded, and thus encouraged Naruto to further enlighten me.

"Let me get this straight," I said, while giving a nod to the male underling who set down my coffee and bagel in front of me. "You are planning to dump Hinata, but not so you can go out with Sakura?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Thank you for the clarification on that front. Now could you please tell why you wish to dump Hinata, because, if I remember rightly, you said you did really like her? I mean, seriously, I'm finding it hard to detect a motive here, Naruto."

"Well…" Naruto said sheepishly, squirming a touch under interrogation, "I-I guess… I guess it's because of my dad."

It was then logic had appeared to have been completely abandoned (at least from my point of view) and since I hate feeling unable to follow conversation, I stared at Naruto in a vaguely threatening manner until he felt inclined to elaborate. I was also a little unnerved, since I had never before heard Naruto mention his father – neither in a speculative sense, when we were kids, nor in a direct sense, after Jiraiya spilled the beans a few months ago. Clearly, the revelation had affected him more than I had accounted for.

Naruto sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"It's kinda hard to explain, but I guess you might understand since you were there and all, so here goes. You know Jiraiya told me about my dad at the hospital?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I've been trying to find some stuff out about him. I talked to Jiraiya and he's told me loads more stuff. He took me up to the attic and we looked at some old pictures Oro has. There was only one of my mom and dad, but it was really good. They were at some boring black tie dinner or something. I kinda wanted it, so I went down and asked Oro if I could keep it. He said yeah and then he told me some stuff too. He brought out that photo album you made him that first Christmas and he showed me the one with my dad sitting round a table with all the Konoha higher-ups, and he told me that old man Sarutobi picked him to be his replacement!"

"Really?" I said, feigning ignorance (I felt bad knowing more about Naruto's father than Naruto himself, but I'm sure he has learned much more in the interim. Or at least, I hope he has.)

"Yeah! And you know what that means?"

"What?"

"It means that my dad was awesome. He must've worked real hard to get a job like that!"

For a brief moment, Naruto paused. His eyes were wide and glittering with a newfound sense of admiration. Then he turned to me, smiling a winning smile, and said, "I wanna be like my dad, Sasuke. I wanna be good enough to fill someone like Oro's shoes. I wanna be friends with people like Jiraiya and Oro and Tsunade and old man Sarutobi – not because I'm family or whatever, but because they respect me and think I'm good enough!

I wanna be good like my dad was. So I'm not gonna screw around anymore. I have to concentrate and work hard – focus on my career, y'know? And that means I can't get distracted by girls and stuff. From now on, Sasuke, I'm gonna be the best!"

There followed a prolonged silence, throughout which, I was rendered absolutely dumbfounded. Completely and utterly floored. While Naruto sat across from me, straight-backed and proud, radiating from every pore a new sense of pride, belonging and purpose – I probably looked a touch daft, with an expression that begged someone like an overbearing mother, perhaps, to smack me upside the head and tell me to wake the hell up and pay attention. Mercifully, Naruto spoke up and saved me from my mute foolishness.

"Hey, Sasuke," he said, shooting me a sly grin, "I sound kinda like you, eh?"

"Hmmm?"

"You know? When we were kids. You'd always go on about how girls were just a distraction and that you wanted to be the best so you could beat Itachi."

"Ha. Oh yes…"

"Well, now I'm gonna be the best, so I have to cut out all distractions – just like you said! Man, you're really smart, Sasuke! I wish I figured that out earlier!"

"Mmmm? Oh. Yes. Well, I can't take all credit. I mean, obviously I haven't kept to it very well…"

There was a rude squawk as Naruto pushed away his chair and stood up, stretching, his arms high above his head. The lost look from earlier had completely vanished, leaving in its place Naruto's default, generally cheerful mien.

"Sasuke, dude, thanks for talking to me. It's good to get that one off my chest, y'know?"

"No problem, Naruto. Anytime."

"I- I guess all I have to do now is find a way to tell Hinata…"

"If you tell her everything you told me, I'm sure she'll understand."

Naruto paused briefly for thought, then his expression brightened. "Yeah! That's a good idea, dude. I've gotta tell her why! I mean, I owe her, right?"

"Right."

"Cool. Then I'd better get to work. I've got, like, a million things to do for Jiraiya and I've gotta get them all done and e-mailed to HQ before five."

"Okay then. See you later, Naruto!"

"Yeah, see ya, dude!" Naruto sang, flashing me a huge grin and a thumbs up before he darted away, out the dining room door and along the corridor to the main stairwell. I sat at the table for a good half an hour after, wondering whether Naruto was aware how much he had changed, what this would mean for him – and, indeed, whether he realised that what he was about to do would only make girls want him more. It is a fact: people want all the more what they cannot have – a fact that was hammered home and made extremely apparent during my lunch break.

During said lunch break, I went to the higher ups' Staff Room, as per usual, for a chat with Kabuto, Suigetsu and the others. This chat, however, did not happen, as I was still stuck on Naruto's potentially momentous change in life-direction. While I munched thoughtfully on my tuna onigiri (mmm…), the others were talking away, nattering about how excited they were about the impending trip to Suna. Having sat pretty much in silence the whole time, I figured the others wouldn't miss me if I went to the bathroom and left early.

Wiping my hands and throwing my onigiri wrapper in the bin, I headed out and along the corridor to our special bathroom (the only unisex peeing facility in the base, for some odd reason). As I was washing my hands, having had a nice, peaceful pee, the door swung open, and with a waft of Chanel perfume, Karin walked in, the heels of her black Manolos clicking on the dark granite tiles. I looked up and nodded by way of greeting, and she stopped next to the hand dryer, leaning against the wall.

It was difficult to do what I had to do, because she was looking great. Along with her sexy heels, she was wearing a black mini-skirt and a white, fitted, cotton shirt with three-quarter sleeves, hook-and-eye fastening and a mandarin collar. She had run a handful of soft wax through her long, dyed-red hair, as every sharp layer was clearly delineated. I knew this because this is exactly what I do with my hair every morning. Add to that the sultry red lipstick and the perfume, and had the boss not managed to grab and retain my attention two years ago on that fateful day in October, I would have been sold!

As I pushed down on the soap dispenser, coating my palms in the nice, yellow liquid soap I like, I was aware of Karin staring at me. It was getting a little weird, and I was just about to open my mouth to ask her if she was alright when she beat me to it.

"You okay, Sasuke?" she asked, her head tilting to one side.

"Hmm? Me?" I replied absently, while rubbing my hands together to create a lather. "I was just about to ask you the same thing."

Karin blushed, and turned her head slightly. "Well, you were quiet at lunch. I just wondered if you were okay."

"Yeah, I suppose I was quiet," I said frankly, having at that point progressed to the hand-rinsing stage. "But don't worry. I was just thinking about Naruto. He told me something kind of weird at breakfast and I haven't been able to get it out of my head all morning."

"What kind of weird? Anything I can help with?"

"Girl problems," I said, turning off the tap and moving to the hand-dryer. The rest I was obliged to shout, since the machine is ferociously and inconsiderately noisy. "_He wants to let his love-interests down gently! No distractions! Wants to concentrate on his career!_"

"Are you sure you were talking to Naruto?"

At the press of a button, the dryer calmed down to a dull roar, then stopped.

"Ha. Yeah, I know what you mean, but I'm certain it was Naruto. I have knowledge of no other who regularly wears cow print pyjamas and a frog nightcap to bed."

This quip made Karin laugh and instantly, she seemed more at ease. "Well, I know how he feels," she exclaimed. "With all the guys I've had to let down gently this year, I should be an expert by now. Tell him to give me a text or drop me an email or something and I'll dish out some of my sage advice…"

"Wait, wait, wait… what's this about _all_ the guys?" I said slyly, raising an eyebrow as I moved into position straight across from her, leaning on a cubicle door. "Karin, you never told me you were in demand."

"Well, what can I say, Sasuke?" she replied airily, with a mock toss of her hair. "I have this magnetic personality, you know?"

"Oh yeah?" I said, teasing. "I won't believe it until you name names."

To my surprise, Karin began to count off a list of suitors denied on her fingers.

"Let's see… we have Dosu from Purchasing, Ukon from Finance, Yoroi and Misumi from IT, Isamu the porter – that's Kiku's cousin, by the way, and he's a beautiful beefcake, so that one was difficult – a couple of the boss's shareholders, the daimyo—"

"The daimyo!" I interrupted, incredulously. "You're kidding?"

"Not kidding, Sasuke."

"But he's married, the dirty, old sleazebag!"

"I know," Karin said, with a hint of smugness. "He wanted to keep me as his official mistress. I did think about it. Being a kept woman would be nice, but I'm used to being able to do as I please. And besides, I like my job."

I was flabbergasted.

"Any more names you'd like to share?"

"One more, but I don't think I should say…"

"Anyone I know?" I asked, seeking to grasp at any clue I could wrangle from her. I am such a gossip. Honestly, it's terrible.

"Yes," she said firmly. "But that's all you're getting." I tried making a pouty face, but it didn't work, as Karin felt compelled to reiterate her standpoint with renewed vigour. "No, Sasuke. I know what you're like. You won't drop it until I tell you. You're as bad as Orochimaru-sama."

"I am not!" I said, outraged.

"You are."

"Fine then," I said, with carefully crafted nonchalance. "I'll drop it, since it's you. But what's with turning them all down? You have your eye on someone else?"

"Yes," she said, raising her head to look me straight in the eye.

There was a glint of challenge there, and I feel, with hindsight, that perhaps I misinterpreted it. I thought it was a playfully flirtatious 'I dare you to ask me' sort of challenge – the kind that regularly crops up in our exchanges – when in reality, it was in fact a 'what will you do if you ask and I tell you' sort of challenge.

Thus, I blundered blindly into a romantic complication.

"Oh really?" I said, totally clueless. I still cringe thinking about this. "And who might the lovely Karin have her eye on? It must be someone surpassingly wonderful to have made you mercilessly reject all those eligible bachelors, you cruel thing. I only hope he lives up to the hype."

"He does. And he is surpassingly wonderful."

"Dear me! I'm starting to get jealous, here. I must confess this a mortal blow to my male ego. However can I compete?"

"You don't have to."

"Ahh, not even in the race? I know I'm very firmly attached to Orochimaru-sama, but nevertheless, I do like to think I still generate a degree of interest."

Karin said nothing, but smiled mysteriously by way of reply, her eyes still locked on mine, challenging.

"I take your silence to indicate a negative response. I am utterly humbled and prostrate myself at your feet. I can only hope you furnish me with the name of this most wonderful specimen of manhood, that I may hope one day to aspire to his greatness." When Karin remained silent, I turned off the facetious, flirtatious display and said frankly, "Oh come on, Karin. Just tell me. I won't tell anyone else, I promise."

This piqued Karin's attention and she said, "You won't tell anyone else?"

"I won't."

"You swear you won't tell anyone? Even the boss?"

"I solemnly swear. On Itachi's general health and well-being. And especially not the boss. That should be enough for you."

"Okay," she said, strangely subdued. There followed a short pause, before she squared her shoulders and said, "You want to know who I've had my eye on?"

"I do."

"It's you."

Right then and there in the higher-ups' lavish, unisex bathroom, my brain had a paper-jam moment. Having been without a clue until that point, my confusion upon Karin's confession was rendered all the more severe, and an eerie, creeping, tingling feeling began to steal over me – a composite of shock, awkwardness, flattered disbelief, and, strangely, pleasure – that caused all my higher faculties to shut down, leaving me standing there across from Karin, mouth slightly open, stunned into silence for the second time in less than twenty-four hours.

"You don't know what to say, do you?" Karin said, smiling a sad smile, reading me like a book.

"I- I don't," I admitted. "This is… rather unexpected. I had no idea."

Karin's brow furrowed in puzzlement. "Really? You had no idea at all?"

When she asked me directly, I took the time to briefly consider, and I supposed I had perhaps possessed an _inkling_ of knowledge on that front. But that inkling of knowledge was implicit. More than implicit, in fact, for it was hidden and repressed. I did not want to think about the implications of Karin having feelings for me – for several very good reasons – so I shoved them firmly to the back of my mind and played off the chemistry as flirtatious banter between good friends of the opposite sex.

So I said, "I suppose I might have. Sort of."

Karin sighed and slid down the wall – a slow, despairing movement – coming to rest on the cold tiles, her head in her hands. I remained standing, afraid that sitting down beside her would give out a particular signal, which would have been most unwise.

"You know, Sasuke, in the court room that day, in Konoha, I was really disappointed when Naruto told everyone you'd spent the night with the boss," she said quietly.

"Really?" I asked, feeling quite uncomfortable, but powerless to do anything about it.

"I knew he was interested in you. Hell, _everyone_ knew he was interested in you. I remember the first real sales meeting we had, and I went up to the boss to try and speak to him about something at the end, but I couldn't even grab his attention because he was too busy staring at you. He stared at you a lot back then. Still does."

"Yeah, I know," I said, a little embarrassed.

"And at first, I thought, god, another high-flying, pretty boy bites the dust. But then I started getting to know you, and I… I started to like you, and I found myself hoping that maybe you wouldn't fall for him like everyone else. Ha, what an idiot, right? I mean, everyone does sort of fall for him, in a way. I had a crush on him myself for a while when I first started, and even Suigetsu understands the weird power he has over people."

"I did try to hold out," I said, with a touch of wounded insistence. "I knew he liked me and I tried to ignore it. It's just… really hard to ignore him. He kind of imposes his presence on you, and once he's interested in you, that's it!"

"What Orochimaru-sama wants, Orochimaru-sama gets," Karin said wryly.

"Well… yes," I said, as if it were the most logical thing in the world. "But you know the score by now as well as everyone else. Honestly, Karin, considering the circumstances, I'm surprised I even managed to hold out for a month – and I only caved because he got me drunk at Jiraiya's 50th!"

"Yeah, even before it all came out, I kind of figured you got together with the boss that night. First he disappeared, then you. Suigetsu and I looked all over, but we couldn't find either of you. Suigetsu started saying it was likely the boss had long since dragged you into a cupboard or something. He was right, but I didn't really want to believe it. I texted you so many times that night, I must have looked so stupid!"

"You didn't look stupid, Karin," I said gently, remembering vividly her worried texts and how she was the one I wanted to text back most when I was feeling slightly hysterical the morning after. "I was glad you were looking out for me. I was new to Otogakure back then, and it was good to think I had made some friends."

"Ha. Yeah, friends," she said, with a touch of bitterness, though she smiled as she spoke. "That's all it's ever going to be, right?"

"Probably," I said, finally feeling it was safe to kneel down and look her in the eye again. I also felt it was time to inject a hefty dose of reality, so I added, "Can you imagine how terrible the boss would be if we did get together and he found out we were having an affair or something?"

Karin actually shivered. "Sasuke, I don't even want to think about it," she said, waving a hand in outright dismissal.

"Then I guess we can't really do anything, can we?"

"I guess."

I nodded, and held out a hand to help her up. Karin took it gratefully, and we rose to our feet.

"Are we still friends?" I said, casting a hopeful smile at her.

"Always, Sasuke," she said, holding out a hand to briefly touch my arm before pulling away, as though she knew it wasn't safe to tempt herself.

"Then I'd better get back to work," I announced, risking a quick glance in the mirror and fixing my hair. "You coming?"

"Sure!"

The whole way back, we talked about the trip to Suna and how amazing it was going to be staying at the Ritz-Carlton. I talked about how it would be good to re-assess my impression of the place, since the last time I was there, I had spent three months in the local hospital on a roll out hammock bed after the boss nearly died of heatstroke. Karin talked about what she was going to wear to the awards – a dilemma, since July is Suna's winter, and though it is still hot enough to wear pretty, formal dresses, there are the occasional cold snaps and rainy spells.

It was weird.

It was as though nothing had happened – that the knowledge had once again retreated into the inner recesses of my mind, to be noted but largely ignored, for fear of the consequences. But I knew, and presumably Karin knew, that it was out there, and that things would be slightly different from now on.

This trip to Suna… I'm still not sure how it's going to go. My two most-hated people in the universe will be conspicuously present, but at the same time, I have my brother, the more likeable Akatsuki members, my friends at Otogakure Enterprises – Karin among them – and the boss. If I keep in mind the good parts and do my best to ignore the bad, then I might just be able to get through it. If I just—

LATER:

Sorry about that. The boss came breezing into my office without so much as a knock at the door, wanting to know what I was up to and why I hadn't come back to the compound. I had to snap my laptop closed pretty sharpish. Thank goodness for autosave!

I don't have any time left to write, as I need to pack in a bad way and say goodbye to Mallory (the bad thing about staying in hotels – no adorable pets allowed.) We're travelling to Suna on the boss's jet and our flight leaves at seven-thirty. I have forty-five minutes to accomplish everything on my travel list before we head for the airport.

Will I screw myself over and hold everyone back?

Most likely.

Will write tomorrow!

July 23rd

I was right. I did, in fact, end up holding everyone back due to my lack of packing haste and thus we eventually left Otogakure at eight, rather than seven-thirty as planned. The rest of the higher-ups were already waiting at the airport when the boss, Kabuto and I arrived, and when the boss explained the reason for our tardiness, Kimimaro drew me a filthy look. As I had already decided I was not going to put up with any of his crap, I told him, in no uncertain terms, to do something about it. Characteristically, he rolled his eyes and walked away.

The five hour flight was uneventful, bar my turning round and telling Kimimaro to cut the fuck out his immature seat-kicking (he was sitting behind the boss and I, and I swear he was doing it on purpose). Kimimaro sighed in a self-righteous manner and denied it, saying he was merely crossing and uncrossing his legs and that I shouldn't expect him to sit still for my benefit for five hours. Nevertheless, I informed him that if he kicked the back of my seat again, I'd kick him. That shut him up, and for the rest of the flight, I was able to enjoy myself and forget that he was even there.

We touched down in Suna at one in the morning and after the hour's car ride to the coast, we checked in and our luggage was transported to the fifty-third floor. As I had never before stayed at the Suna Ritz-Carlton, I was ridiculously excited to see what our suite would be like, even though it was past two am and I should have been knackered. I think the boss realised this, as he kept teasing me, trying to describe to me what the rooms were like, but I would always cover my ears and yell, "Don't tell me! Don't tell me! I want it to be a surprise!"

When the bellhop opened the door, holding it open for the boss and I to enter, I dashed inside – and was confronted with a vision of unspeakable loveliness. The suite is huge, composed of several rooms, with a living room, a dining room, a walk-in pantry, a walk-in closet, _two_ bathrooms and a separate den! Our suite takes up most of the fifty-third floor, and, as such, the vast windows afford a panoramic view of the Suna coastal skyline (I am looking forward to watching some spectacular sunsets!) In the bedroom, I found not only a beautiful four-poster bed (the mattress is so soft, I love it!) but a bottle of the 1907 Heidsieck shipwreck champagne on ice, which, I later learned when I asked, the boss had bought specially for my birthday!

Naturally, I was thrilled (because I could buy a decent house for the price of that bottle of champagne alone) and I ran up behind the boss and squeezed him gratefully, burying my face into the silky folds of his off-white kimono. Never mind that he was still tipping the bellhop at the time. I wanted him to know that I was pleased with what he had done, to hell with dignity and poise! The bellhop, being properly trained, knew when to take a hint, and he bowed low and wished us good night before backing out of the room and closing the door quietly behind him.

"Does our accommodation please my Sasuke-kun?" the boss said, with a mischievous glint in his eye.

Despite the lateness of the hour, I was feeling quite awake and not at all ready to go to sleep. I did, however, feel the sudden urge to head for the bedroom. The four-poster was calling me, and I figured it was time to test its durability, as well as its comfort.

"It pleases your Sasuke-kun very, very much," I replied, whispering in the boss's ear while reaching up and wrapping my arms around his neck. "In fact, it pleases your Sasuke-kun so much that he feels it only proper to show his appreciation…"

The boss didn't need any further hints.

"What wonderful news," he murmured, his eyes already alight with lust. "Then I shall leave you momentarily while I slip into something more comfortable – though not you, Sasuke-kun. Tonight, I want you to undress in front of me."

"That's fine by me," I said, grinning. "I like that game, anyway." (This is true, for two reasons. First, I enjoy the attention, and second, it drives the boss absolutely wild. He has never been able to resist when I offer to do this for him, even when he's in the middle of something important down in the labs. Thus, I have to use it sparingly, lest the novelty wear off.)

The boss cast me a lingering look of anticipation before he managed to tear himself away from me long enough to change. While the boss freshened himself up, I was left waiting in the living room, eager and ready to get down to business. Not long after, though, there came a knock at the door. Thinking it was the bellhop, I opened it, only to find Suigetsu standing out in the corridor, jigging and making happy noises. I opened my mouth to tell him that I was busy and that I'd talk to him in the morning, but he barged his way in, all wound up and chattering excitedly.

"Oh my god, Sasuke, my room is fucking amazing!" he blurted out, effusively. "The bathroom is just, oh my god! And the bed… man. And there're these windows, right? Big fuckers that cover the whole wall! You can see for miles! And they've given me a telescope! Who in their right mind would give me a telescope? I mean, come on! Me and Amachi are only going to use it to spy on hot chicks on the beach, yeah? And, oh my god, there's a bidet in the bathroom! A fucking bidet, Sasuke! I didn't even know what a bidet was! Had to ask Kimi because he's posh. Man, I can't believe some guy invented something to help you wash your ass. Seriously, there's a jet that fires water straight up there! BAM! Anal cleansing!"

"That's great Suigetsu, but—"

"But oh my freakin god, Sasuke! Your room is fucking _huge_! Seriously, who needs a room this big? Nah, who am I kidding? I'd fucking kill for a room like this! I guess that's why I work at Oto Enterprises, eh? Ha, ha! But, oh yeah, man, what's your bathroom like?"

"We have two, but—"

"OH MY GOD!" Suigetsu said, his voice becoming higher and higher as his enthusiasm meter went off the scale. "You have two bathrooms? Seriously, who needs two bathrooms in a hotel room? So, what, are you and the boss going to shower separately or something? Don't make me laugh!"

It was then that the boss decided to reappear. Sweeping into the living room, he was clearly dressed for bed in a silky, taupe-coloured robe I had never seen before. Probably new, I figured. As he entered, his eyes fell instantly upon Suigetsu. The boss obviously knew he was there, as no one within a five-mile radius could have failed to detect Suigetsu's loud, obnoxious voice. On sight of the boss, Suigetsu shut himself up and giggled sheepishly.

"Sorry, Orochimaru-sama," he said, with his customary toothy grin.

"Out, Suigetsu!" the boss barked, thrusting a finger towards the door.

Suigetsu didn't need to be told twice. Before he left, he gave me an extraordinarily unsubtle wink and said, "I'll leave you to it, Sasuke. Talk to you in the morning, yeah?"

I nodded absently, my mind already on other things.

When Suigetsu slammed the door behind him, I was ready to pounce – and so was the boss.

"Shall we?" he said, his eyes glittering.

"I suppose," I answered, coyly. "We'd best get started now, if you don't want to be kept up too late."

Now, I know the majority of guys complain about foreplay (I know because I used to be one of them), but recently, I've come to rather enjoy it. It's the one area in my life where I have complete power over my significant other. He loves to be wound up and teased and tortured in the bedroom until he can take it no more and he spills over into effusive words of affectionate praise that leave me giddy and only too willing to let him seal the deal.

And I have to tell you, the sex was fantastic. That's all I'm going to say.

You see, these are the moments when I am truly glad I left Konoha to work for Oto Enterprises. If every day was like this I could live quite happily there for the rest of my life.

LATER:

This morning was… interesting.

Once again, I woke up early, and after watching some crap Suna breakfast TV in the living room, I decided to go find Suigetsu because some sixth sense told me he would be up and annoying the hell out of the others. Having knocked on his door and being met with no answer, I called him, and he told me he was at the indoor pool on floor forty-seven with Kisame and the rest of the Akatsuki lot and that I had to come down or else. Suddenly quite fancying a swim, I donned my black swim-shorts, my loose-fitting white shirt and flip-flops, left the boss a note to say where I was, and headed for the pool.

Upon my arrival, the Akatsuki mob were indeed present in their entirety (including uncle Madara) and I was greeted with great enthusiasm by Suigetsu, who tumbled off the shark float he was clinging to and jumped up and down in the water, waving madly.

"HEY SASUKE! JUMP IN! THE POOL'S AMAZING!" he yelled, almost deafening Kakuzu, who had innocently passed by him while doing a few lengths.

I assured Suigetsu I would, but that I wanted to reserve a recliner first, get myself organised and have a bit of chill time. Suigetsu let me away with it, on condition that if I was not in the pool in an hour's time, he'd come looking for me. Laughing, I said in that case I would most definitely comply, before I went to find a recliner in a location that met my single, stringent criterion: namely that it was as far away from uncle Madara as possible. As Akatsuki were all grouped together, the vast distance I put between myself and my hated relative made me look like an anti-social weirdo for a while, before the Oto Enterprises lot gradually began to filter downstairs and saved me from my self-imposed isolation.

Once the others arrived, the whole group became much more heterogeneous and the atmosphere warmed up considerably. Up until today, I never really realised how strong the connections are between our two companies, but watching everyone from the poolside made it hit home how incestuous these networks really are. Obviously, the boss was there, talking to Kakuzu and Sasori, his old partners in crime from when he used to work for the Akatsuki Group; then there was Suigetsu, Kimimaro and Kisame, who are all related in some capacity and all used to work for Gato Shipping before it went bust; then there was Kabuto and Deidara, a strange chalk-and-cheese alliance born of rebellion at one of the boss's Christmas parties; my brother, Itachi, and myself – between the two of us and the boss, bridging the gaps between the three corporations; and then there was uncle Madara, sitting chatting to Konan and some other guy I didn't recognise with a glass of port in hand. Uncle Madara, the man who almost plunged the boss into poverty when he was a child through his dodgy dealings; the man who seeks to divide Itachi and I with secrets and lies; the man who remains to this day the hated enemy of most of the Konoha higher-ups, for whom both the boss and I used to work, and with whom we are still on friendly terms.

Despite the fact that we should have been (and technically are) rivals, Oto Enterprises and the Akatsuki Group were getting along strangely well. I found myself chatting to various mini-groups, in which I managed to gather together a respectable amount of gossip. I learned from Deidara and Sasori (who were pleasantly sober and lucid – it won't last for long) that they are already planning their next great artistic venture – an interactive, haunted house style exhibit, where every scrap of the thing is hand-crafted. Apparently, they wish to enlist the help of Sai, who has taken on the artist's handle "Root", and I have to watch out for him in future, as they both assured me he is very talented. Most interesting, however, was the news that they are thinking very seriously about quitting Akatsuki to focus on their art. This did surprise me, and when I asked why they wanted to quit, they cited uncle Madara as the main reason.

"He wants to expand everywhere," Sasori said, in his strange, quiet tones. "It's too much, too quick. There aren't enough hours in the day, and not enough people to manage them. I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but we're really missing Oro. He's been gone for years, but we've never hired anyone to replace him. Never could find anyone good enough. Oh, and you heard about Madara wanting to move headquarters to Kirigakure?"

I nodded grimly.

"Then you'll understand how busy we've been. On top of the expansion into Konoha, on top of the operations we have outstanding in all the different countries, on top of moving headquarters to Kirigakure – Deidara and I barely have time to sketch at night, let alone plan for another exhibit."

Then Deidara dropped another gossip bombshell. He was talking more to Sasori than to me, but he knew I was there and was obviously fine with me listening in.

"And did you know Kakuzu and Hidan are wanting to quit too?"

"Mmm-hmm," Sasori said, nodding. "Kakuzu was telling me the other night before we flew out. He says that if Madara doesn't start recruiting more management-level staff, he's going to walk because he can't take anymore of the fifteen-hour days. And Kisame's not happy with the way Madara's treating Itachi."

"Obviously," Deidara drawled. "I mean, I know Itachi has always been a workaholic, but Madara's been piling so much shit on him lately it's unreal! I'm amazed he hasn't collapsed!"

Worried, I risked a quick glance over at my brother, who was in the recliner next to uncle Madara, silent as the grave and wired to his ipod, as our arsehole of an uncle conversed gaily with Konan and the other guy I didn't know. On the surface, he looked okay. There were no dark circles under his eyes, and he seemed quite alert – normal for my able, energetic brother. Though the fact that he was not in the pool, doing one-hundred lengths at breakneck speed and showing everyone else up was telling.

"Madara has got to recruit," Sasori went on. "He's got to open up new managerial positions if he doesn't want a mutiny on his hands. And I do believe he's thinking about it."

"Really?" Deidara said, picking out what looked like flecks of blue paint from his nails. "Does he have his eye on anyone yet?"

"Not that I know of. I know we'd all like Oro back, but that's not going to happen. Though I did hear overhear Nagato and Konan whispering about recruitment, so even they're considering it."

Deidara snorted. "Good. It's about bloody time! If we're all thinking the same thing, then Madara's got to listen!"

They went on like that for another couple of minutes, before Deidara announced he wanted to go in the pool. Round about the same time, Suigetsu emerged and demanded I join them, so I spent a blessed half-hour acting like an idiot in the deep end with Deidara, Suigetsu and Kisame, throwing around the random shark float that seemed to belong to no one in particular.

Playtime, however, was cut short when the boss stealthily slipped into the water, swam up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, an action that made me yelp embarrassingly and also caused me to neglect the shark float, which was speeding through the air towards me from Kisame's end and consequently slammed into my face, its soft, pointy rubber nose bashing me right between the eyes.

As Kisame, Deidara and Suigetsu pointed and laughed and guffawed like morons ("Ha ha! You suck, Sasuke!") I took the opportunity to pout at the boss in an accusatory manner. Brazen as usual, the boss brushed aside my feeble attempt at animosity and proceeded to drag me to the shallow end of the pool. We ended up commandeering a corner, in which the boss decided he wanted to kiss me and feel me up. This was fine by me, so we spent a fair amount of time there making everyone else in the room feel uncomfortable, before we decided we'd had enough and the boss and I parted ways: I to the recliners to towel myself down, and the boss to the deep end of the pool, where he joined the impromptu shark-tossing game (to Suigetsu's great delight – he does not often witness the boss getting to have fun.)

It was while I was towelling myself down, all set for some quality time with my ipod, that I had my first real confrontation with the Kaguya Freak. I was sitting down on my recliner, my head bent, drying my hair. When I sat up, I noticed a shadow looming over me. My eyes travelled upwards and instantly took note of the familiar form of my nine-to-five nemesis, wearing a loose, flowing yukata and a look that seemed remarkably like hatred. My lip curled on instinct.

"What do you want?"

"I suppose you enjoyed that," Kimimaro answered. He was obviously trying to keep his tone level, but there was a slight tremor that gave him away. "I suppose you enjoyed having me watch while you had your filthy, unworthy hands all over him."

For a moment, I must confess, I hadn't the faintest clue what he was talking about. Then he mentioned having my hands all over Orochimaru-sama, and suddenly I knew perfectly well. I couldn't stop the nasty, smug smile that formed on my lips, nor the feeling of accomplishment that I had rammed another nail of grief into his heart.

"Well if it bothers you that much," I began, adding extra malice for his benefit, "then why don't you quit and go somewhere else? I mean, it isn't going to stop anytime soon."

Kimimaro's eyes flashed.

"You'd love that, wouldn't you?" he hissed. "You would love it if I upped and left without a trace, leaving you unchallenged. It would suit you. You, the cosseted Uchiha brat, who has floated through life thus far without a care in the world. Well, I will not leave. I will stay at Otogakure for as long as it takes, and I am going to make your life _hell_, Uchiha Sasuke!"

The sheer venom Kimimaro spat out shocked even me. Of course, I didn't let him know it. Instead, I shrugged and said, matter-of-factly, "Well, if you want to make your own life miserable, then go ahead. Now, I don't know if you've noticed, Kaguya – and if you haven't then I'm giving you a heads up – but the boss likes me, not you. Read my lips: he doesn't like you anymore. You're yesterday's news. Got that?"

For a moment, I thought I'd overdone it and Kimimaro was going to punch me. My words must have struck home, or struck something at any rate, for he stood there, staring down his nose at me, as though he couldn't believe what he'd just heard.

Then he smiled an incredulous smile and said, "Astonishing. Absolutely astonishing. Your arrogance is boundless, Uchiha Sasuke. You truly do believe you have Orochimaru-sama wrapped around your little finger, don't you?"

"Well, I wouldn't say that, but I know he wouldn't go for you again…"

Kimimaro's incredulous smile turned secretive.

"You are certain of that?"

At that point, I didn't like the way the conversation was going, and I sought to bring it to a firm close. Snatching my towel and tossing it over my shoulder, I stood up and looked Kimimaro right in the eye.

"I'm pretty certain," I replied. "So certain that I'm going to prove it to you by leaving him unsupervised while I go for a sauna. Now do me a favour and fuck off. I don't want to see you here when I get back. If I'm around you any longer, I might catch something."

With that, I swept off, Kimimaro casting me a look of withering resentment as I went.

I was in a pretty bad mood when I reached the sauna, and I flung the doors open with a little more force than was strictly necessary. Great billowing clouds of steam churned out, obscuring my vision and catching the back of my throat. Someone, it appeared, had been a little overzealous with the water on the coals. Coughing, spluttering and cursing Kimimaro under my breath, I managed to feel my way through the thick clouds of steam and took a seat next to Konan and another young man I didn't recognise. It turned out to be Nagato.

"Who's that?" a familiar voice called out.

"It's me, Sasuke. Is that you, Kabuto?"

"Yes."

"Where are you?"

"I'm over here next to your uncle Madara!"

Cringing, I performed a mental facepalm and upped the internal cursing factor. Honestly, I have had such bad luck this morning. I only hope tonight bucks the trend.

"Where are you?"

"I'm here next to… umm… Konan and… umm…"

"Nagato," Nagato said chivalrously, offering a hand. "You're sitting here next to Konan and Nagato."

My face must've been a picture.

"Oh my god, Nagato? Is that you? I'm really sorry. I didn't recognise you at all. I-Is this a new look or are you going straight for the awards?"

This was true. The last time I'd seen Nagato, he had dyed, spiky orange hair and sported far too many facial piercings. This time, Nagato's hair was straight, not quite shoulder-length, uniformly black and his face was free of forcibly inserted, decorative, foreign bodies. I was gaping, I knew it, for Konan raised a dainty hand to her mouth and started giggling.

"The latter, Sasuke," he replied. "Madara-sama thought it best I present a clean image for the awards tonight since they will be televised. And I agree with him."

"I am glad you do, Nagato," my uncle said, finally making his presence known. "And I also happen to think you look rather dashing _au naturale_, as you are at present."

"Though I find it strange to see myself again as I am, I thank you for the compliment, Madara-sama."

"Well, I think you look good both ways," I said loudly, annoyed at Nagato's unflinching compliance with my uncle's demands. "And I think people should be allowed to look how they want to look."

My uncle said nothing, but I knew that he knew it was a direct challenge. I couldn't see his face very well – his silhouette was a blur at the other end of the room – but I could have sworn I saw him smile. Madara ignored me pointedly, and instead turned to bother Kabuto. That was fine by me, and I spent the rest of my sauna chatting to Konan and Nagato.

As with Deidara and Sasori, the conversation inevitably turned to the horrors of their workplace (something that was clearly foremost in the minds of all the Akatsuki higher-ups and therefore must be a real issue). It turned out that Sasori was right: they had been considering recruiting – and they seemed keen to try it on with the Otogakure management. They were discreet, though, I'll give them that. Wisely discreet. If they'd done it within earshot of the boss, I don't think relations between the companies would have continued on a friendly note for very long.

"So Sasori was telling me earlier about your move to Kirigakure. How's that going?"

"It's difficult, but we're getting there," Konan said, with a hint of optimism, that was put there, no doubt, in case my uncle Madara was listening in. "There are a lot of things going on right now. We're just lucky that there's already a building waiting for us. I don't think we could have handled it if there wasn't."

"Oh?" I said, suddenly curious. "So where's your new base, then? I rather liked the one in River Country."

"It's actually the old Kaguya stronghold," Nagato said. "Kimimaro sold it to Madara-sama not long ago when Akatsuki approached him, looking for a property."

"Really?" I said quietly. "I had no idea."

I was tempted to finish that sentence, adding, "I had no idea Kimimaro would go to such lengths to stay in Otogakure, the pathetic, obsessed freak that he is." But I didn't, and let Nagato continue.

"Yes. It's a little rundown, having been left uninhabited for almost twenty years, but Akatsuki have the budget to fully restore it and return the castle to its former glory."

"All we need now is a few more people to help run it," Konan said. Then she turned to look at me with an odd, half-hopeful, half-sceptical expression, as though she were perfectly aware I'd turn her down but wanted to have a go anyway, just in case.

"Sasuke," she said, "I know this is rather out of the blue, but would you ever consider joining Akatsuki? You're exactly the sort of person we need."

I tried to phrase it as politely as I could.

"Wow… Konan. I'm flattered, I really am, but I couldn't possibly…"

"You would never, ever consider it?"

"Well, I would never say never. I mean, it would be rather nice to see Itachi more often, but—"

"If you joined, then you'd be able to see him whenever you liked."

"Umm… well, I don't exactly think I'd want to see him every day."

"Then is it the money? Because I'm sure Akatsuki would happily raise your salary."

"No! I mean… no. It's not the money. Orochimaru-sama pays me well and, actually, I'm quite happy at Oto Enterprises."

Defeated, Konan sighed, leaning over and reaching for the bright, copper ladle.

"Oh well," she said to Nagato, half smiling. "At least I tried."

Then she poured two ladles full of water upon the white hot coals. The temperature rocketed, and steam clouds filled the room until I could hardly see my hand in front of my face. Playfully, I protested, and Kabuto heard me, joining in. After that, conversation opened up and turned round to other matters. It wasn't long before I couldn't stand the heat and had to take my leave and jump back in the pool. I was in there until around midday, arsing about, before the boss decided he wanted to go for lunch and the Otogakure lot were obliged to follow suit.

Lunch itself was wonderful. Departing from the norm, the boss opted not to go for traditional food, as is his wont, but instead announced he felt like pasta. This was fantastic news, as I have an unnatural love for pasta and haven't been able to eat it quite as much as I would like ever since the boss kidnapped me and installed me in his overlarge house. I ordered spinach and ricotta ravioli with asparagus. It was beautiful. Gen'yumaru had a forkful, just to try, and said its texture and freshness was divine. Since he's an excellent cook, I am inclined to agree with him.

As of this moment, I'm back in the suite, freshening up for the awards. The boss isn't back yet, having been waylaid by uncle Madara at the Club Lounge. I hate to think what sort of conversation my uncle is forcing upon him. There is an unforeseen upside to this, however, as I've managed to get the bathroom to myself, with no strops and tantrums because a) the soap isn't rinsing out of the boss's hair, or b) because soap has run into the boss's eyes, or c) because the boss's eye make-up isn't applying properly, or d) because the boss has suddenly had a random freak-out over the kimono he's chosen to wear, or e) because he doesn't like the way his moisturiser feels on his skin. I could go on. These are matters I regularly have to deal with in Otogakure.

Ah well. At least I don't have to deal with uncle Madara. I'm going to take advantage of the extra time to chill out, watch some TV, dick around on the net, maybe lie in bed and read a book in my wonderful suite. After all, it is my birthday…

LATER:

I hate uncle Madara.

He has officially ruined everything.

You know what I said earlier about wondering what sort of conversation he would be imposing on the boss? I was right to wonder. I was right to worry. Because do you know what he told him? He told the boss that I had said to Konan in the sauna that I would consider joining Akatsuki.

I NEVER SAID THAT!! I said that I would never say never, but uncle Madara, being the loathsome, manipulative worm he is, was obviously listening in. He's twisted my words and dripped poison in them before passing them on to someone else!

What does he want? What the _hell_ does he want? First, he tries to break up Itachi and I – and now he's going for the boss and I? I mean, I can't even begin to think what's in this for him. He already has Itachi. What could he want with me? Maybe Deidara and Kisame and the others have convinced him to recruit, and this is his vile, underhand way of going about it? Or maybe he's just black-hearted to the core and cannot stand seeing others happy?

Who am I kidding? I don't give a shit what he wants. I want him to butt the hell out of my life. I want him to stop.

I was lying in bed reading a book when the boss came storming in. The door battered open on its hinges and I felt a flutter of dread as I heard the boss shouting in anger.

"SASUKE-KUN! SASUKE-KUN, WHERE ARE YOU? GET OUT HERE NOW!"

And then the bedroom door flew open and the boss stood framed within. I froze in the act of turning a page and I stared up at him, my mouth open in shock. He was absolutely incandescent with rage. I only ever see him like that when he's at work, yelling at other people down in the labs. It was scary.

"W-What is it—?" I began, startled, before the boss took three long strides, cleared the floor, grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the room.

Did you hear that? He _dragged_ me from the room. I was stumbling, and he gripped my arm so hard I still have a red mark to show for it and he _dragged_ me into the living room and threw me against the couch. I hit it quite hard and I fell onto the floor, spraining my wrist. The boss was looming over me, staring at me with fire in his eyes. Then he spoke, and everything became clear.

"So you will be joining Akatsuki, will you?" he spat viciously.

"W-What?" I said, utterly bewildered. "No! Who the hell told you that?"

The boss smiled a cynical smile.

"Madara told me."

"What? Oh my god… you… you _actually_ listened to him? And here I thought you were clever. I guess even geniuses have their moments—"

"SILENCE!" the boss roared, gesticulating wildly, suddenly looking quite deranged.

It scared the hell out of me and my mouth snapped shut. All I could do was stare at him as I tried to retreat into the side of the vast, unmoveable, leather couch. I actually wanted to hide inside, it was so bad. He just kept ranting on and on and on…

"I have had it up to here with you, Sasuke-kun! You push and you push and you push and I will tolerate it no longer! I am sick to the back teeth of your insolence! Sometimes, I think you forget your place—"

"My place?" I said, my voice trembling with indignation. "So where's that then?"

The boss paused for a moment and looked at me funny. Then he said in a voice devoid of all emotion, "Your place is in Otogakure, Sasuke-kun. With me. And don't you ever forget it."

Then the boss stormed off into the den, slamming the door behind him.

I was dazed; utterly shocked at the severity of the boss's tirade. After a moment, I picked myself up and sat on the couch, took stock and tried to recover. My wrist was killing me, little sharp pains shooting up the length of my arm. It was then I noticed the red mark the boss had left as I rolled up the my shirt sleeve to investigate. The sight of it awakened something in me. It awakened a sense of righteous indignation, a sense of terrible injustice that had been done to me. I had done nothing wrong! How dare he treat me like that? How dare he?

So when the boss came back in for another round, I was ready for him. We ended up at each others' throats, screaming until we were blue in the face, shouting over each other, fighting to be heard. Before long, we weren't even arguing about Madara and Akatsuki anymore, but instead every ugly thought we'd ever dared think about one other was given voice. Naturally, this only led to further resentment and further recrimination until the boss snapped and launched a vase at me, hurling it across the room. It smashed against the wall, missing me by inches. I managed to dodge the shrapnel, but I was thoroughly soaked with musty flower-juice.

The vicious shouting match recommenced until we were brought down to earth with a bump as one of the concierge knocked on the door to inform us that we had an hour and a half to get ready for the awards, and that if we wanted anything, we'd to let him know. The guy had obviously heard us arguing, and must've been working up the courage to knock for ages. As he spoke, his eyes kept flitting over to me, covered in nasty flower water and surrounded by broken glass and bruised white lilies.

"Yeah," I snapped, shaking my hands and feeling water dripping off my fingertips. "You can send someone to come clean this up – and while they're at it, they can take this," I tugged at my shirt, "down to be laundered. And he can pay for it!" I finished, hurling a finger at the boss before I ran out of the living room and straight into the bathroom for yet another shower – even though I'd just got out.

I'm in the bedroom right now, typing this up. The boss is here too, but he's not speaking to me. Instead, he seems content to dress for the awards in mulish silence. That's fine by me. I don't feel much like speaking to him, either. If I did, he'd probably end up biting my head off, anyway.

I hate him sometimes, I really do.

I hate uncle Madara even more.

If that man says one word wrong tonight, so help me god, I'm going to commit murder.

LATER:

The awards are over, done with, finished, ended. Otogakure Enterprises walked away with two awards for 'Outstanding innovation in research and development' and 'best new pharmaceutical product', plus an unexpected surprise in the name of Business of the Year. We did pretty damned well. Akatsuki were not left out, winning the awards for 'most successful expansion' and 'protecting the people'. There's a party in the Club Lounge, but I'm still in a foul mood, so I'm sitting alone in the suite, taking advantage of the wireless internet connection to play celebrity-killing flash games on Newgrounds. Some birthday, eh?

Man, I sound like the biggest emo-child ever…

Okay, so there were a few laughs at the awards themselves. I've got time to kill, so I might as well furnish a few details. God knows, it'll be a long night, otherwise.

The ceremony was held in the Grand Ballroom, and the Otogakure lot headed down in a group to take our seats at our table for the night. The place had already been kitted out by Zabuza's TV minions and I could see cameramen and soundmen and lurking in the shadows. The floor manager was pacing up and down, barking orders to everyone, and I could see Haku on the podium, dressed up to the nines in black kimono and grey hakama, practising reading from the autocue.

The table arrangements worked out quite well. We were placed five rows from the front, far enough away so we were not constantly in front of the cameras, but close enough that we could reach the podium without having to mount an expedition. Next to us was the Mikatsuhikata TV table, with Zabuza, director-general, lording it over a bunch of sycophantic minions. The next table along belonged to the Akatsuki Group, which was good, because I spent half my time there when the cameras weren't rolling. It was excruciating sitting next to the boss. As soon as we sat down, he made it perfectly clear that he was going to ignore me the whole night. Fine, I figured. If he intended to act like a spoiled brat, then that was his prerogative. I didn't have to tolerate it, though, so as soon as I got settled, and the waitress took my drinks order, I headed over to the Akatsuki table without so much as a glance at the boss. If he didn't like it, he could damn well come over and tell me.

Naturally, I found a warm welcome at the Akatsuki table, and I took a seat between Kakuzu and Sasori. The only people who didn't greet me were Deidara, who was in the bathroom, and Hidan, who wasn't really all there. He was slumped to one side in his seat and stared warily at me, as though he were trying very hard to remember who I was.

"What's wrong with him?" I whispered to Kakuzu.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

"Madara said he didn't want Hidan doing anything stupid tonight and charged Sasori and Deidara with keeping him under control. Unfortunately, the imbeciles decided the best way to go about this would be to sneak an unhealthy dose of Deidara's prescription tranquilisers into his soup."

"Whoa," I said, my eyes widening. "Is he okay?"

"He will be," Sasori said, a touch irritated, as though he were fed up answering that particular question. "It's not lethal. Honestly, you'd think we'd poisoned him, the way you're reacting…"

"Muuuuuuuurrrrrrr…?" Hidan said suddenly, leaning forward and touching me on the shoulder, slurring his words badly, his eyes drifting in and out of focus. "Murrrrr mafff nnnn wizzle wizzle mafff nnnnnnnnn?"

"Just say yes," Kakuzu said, rescuing me as I stared at Hidan with vague horror. "I haven't a fucking clue what he's on about, so it's safer just to say yes."

I did as Kakuzu recommended, and Hidan nodded, patting my shoulder. I say nodded, it was more like his head lolled once or twice on his shoulders. Then he smiled and keeled over, his head hitting the table with a mournful clink of glassware. There was a brief uh-oh moment as we all looked at each other.

"Zetsu… is he dead?" Kakuzu asked hesitantly.

Zetsu leaned over and prodded Hidan. When that did not elicit a response, he felt for a pulse.

"No. I don't think so… Wait, yeah, he's still breathing."

"Thank god for that!" Kakuzu said, with relief. "Can you imagine the bollocking we'd have got if he'd died?"

Then Deidara appeared, swinging himself into his seat and arriving in the midst of the group like a bomb going off.

"MAN DOWN, HAHAHAHAHA!" Deidara shrieked, clapping his hands so loudly it made me jump. Red-eyed and jittery, it was obvious he was already on drugs. "GUESS IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR HIM, EH SASORI-DANNA?"

Sasori shrugged. "They'll wear off before long. Probably just in time for him to come round and cause mayhem at the after-party." Then he stood up, smoothing fastidiously the creases from his Akatsuki robes and said, quite without shame, "Right. I'm going for a couple of lines. Does anyone else want any? It's on me. Sasuke?"

You see this is exactly why I could never go to work for Akatsuki. Before long, I'd be peer-pressured into becoming a junkie.

"Umm… thanks, Sasori, but I'm okay," I said as politely as possible.

Sasori shrugged and said, "Suit yourself. I'll be back in a bit."

After that, things started to go a little better as the wine began to flow. I cared less when Karin had to come fetch me and take me back to the Otogakure table just as the awards were about to start. The boss glared at me when I sat down, but I was already a little tipsy, so I didn't care. Then the lights went down, the cheesy music started up, and Haku walked on stage to a roar of applause.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" he said in his slightly effeminate, safe-for-family-television tones. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! In case you didn't know, I am Haku of _Who Wants to be a Millionaire?_ fame, and I welcome you all most warmly to the annual Product of the Year awards, in which we take the time to honour those hard-working men and women who strive for excellence and innovation in their chosen fields in order to better the lives of their many consumers! This year was particularly tough, with some real winners short-listed, so we'd best get down to business. I know you wouldn't have it any other way!"

I had to sit through the glamour, fashion, home-electronics, charity, home-entertainment, confectionary, body care, body wash, frozen foods, household cleaning (Cillit BANG!), men's grooming and oral care categories, pretending I was enjoying myself and pretending I didn't want to strangle the boss. Halfway through the snacks category, things got a little more interesting. Bored out of my mind, I suppressed a yelp as Deidara snuck up behind my chair and tugged the sleeve of my tux.

"Sasuke!" he whispered, sniggering and snorting like a naughty kid at the back of the class. "C'mere! You've gotta see this!"

"See what?" I hissed. "The cameras are still rolling!"

"Sasuke, seriously. You have to come see this or you'll regret it foreverrrrrr!"

I rolled my eyes and followed him to the Akatsuki table. Sasori, Zetsu, Konan and Kisame were all crowded round Kakuzu, grinning in anticipation. Hidan was observing with vague interest. Someone had obviously sat him upright.

"What's going on—?" I began, before I was shushed by the rest of them.

"Go on, Kakuzu, get it out!" Deidara chortled, unable to contain himself.

Smirking, Kakuzu reaching into the folds of his Akatsuki robes and revealed a little black box. Opening it, it appeared to contain what looked like your bog-standard fountain pen. Except this had round attachments to screw onto the top.

"Oh no," I said, with a creeping feeling of realisation and dread. "Shit. That's a laser pointer! No, Kakuzu. You're not going to—? Are you?"

The evil grin on Kakuzu's face confirmed my worst fears.

"It has a range of sixty miles," he said proudly, "and it can burst balloons and melt plastic. I got it at a dodgy stall down by the beach. Kisame and I tested it out last night."

"It really works," Kisame said, rubbing it in.

"Oh god…"

"But you know what the best part is, Sasuke?" Deidara asked maniacally, grabbing my arm and shaking me. "_It has the funniest freaking attachments ever!_"

"Oh god…"

"Yeah! There's this one that's just a big "Hello", but there's another one that's, like, a giant hash leaf, and another one that projects a giant knob onto the sky! It's hilarious! Like the bat-symbol, or something!"

"Like the Akatsuki symbol, you mean! You're going to get us all thrown out, you morons!"

Kakuzu waved away my protests with an impatient hand.

"Sasuke, they won't throw us out. We're Akatsuki. And besides, the show's not going out live. They can cut the giant laser dick out if they really want to."

Thus I could do nothing but watch as Kakuzu flicked the switch. The chairman of the Konoha Mega-Mart chain was presenting the guy from Pringles with the award for Best New Snack, and there was a howl of laughter from the Akatsuki table as Kakuzu adjusted the focus and planted a mini, green laser dick on the forehead of the Pringles man. He did the same for the pet food category, but instead opted for the giant laser dick. Eventually, I was crying with laughter, along with the rest of the Akatsuki group. Every time security came running over, looking to apprehend the perpetrator, we all had to stifle our sniggers as Kakuzu switched it off and pretended he was taking notes with his 'pen'. Uncle Madara knew fine well what was going on, but since he is all for displays of casual cruelty and disregard for tradition and ceremony, it no doubt amused him and he let it slide.

"I swear to god, Kakuzu," I said, wiping tears from my eyes, "if Oto Enterprises gets an award and you shine that giant dick on my face, I'll tell everyone here it's your fault…"

"Curses," Kakuzu muttered. "I knew I shouldn't have let Deidara bring you over. Oh well. Otogakure is safe. For now…"

Then he pointed the beam at a shiny, gold balloon next to the podium and burst it, making Haku scream. Everyone laughed.

"That's it!" Haku shrieked, making me laugh harder because I'd never before seen him lose his frail composure. "Zabuza-san!" he whined. "Tell Kakuzu to stop it! I _know_ it's him! I can't concentrate when he's shining that thing in my face, and I'm not doing any more links until he promises to stop it!"

At the table next to us, Zabuza looked over and raised one of his non-eyebrows (note: Momochi Zabuza has strange, funny, little half-brows. I'm not sure whether this is natural, or whether he has them deliberately shaped. Either way, this combined with his preternatural love for high-waisted, hareem trousers (_it's hammer time!_) makes him look a tad eccentric.)

"Kakuzu…" he said warningly.

"Yes?"

"Cut it out. There's only so much we can edit."

With a mock sigh, Kakuzu reached for the case and put the laser pointer away. He didn't protest, which probably meant he'd had his fun and was quite content to sit back and reap the rewards of his victory over the pomp and ceremony of the occasion. It gave me a laugh at any rate, and I high-fived him, congratulating him on a stellar prank (has hell frozen over, I wonder?) and returned to the Otogakure table. The atmosphere there was a complete contrast. It was chilly to say the least. The boss was glaring into space, sitting in stony silence, swirling his wine in his glass. His eyes flickered briefly towards me when I sat down before flitting away just as quickly. I sighed. Everyone else was too afraid to talk, since the boss was radiating bad vibes from every pore. I decided to form a natural animosity deflector by reaching for a bottle of red wine, filling my glass to the brim and downing the lot. I could feel my cheeks going red and was already caring less about the boss's ridiculous, childish behaviour.

There were only a few other awards to sit through (Akatsuki's 'Protecting the People' and 'Most Successful Expansion' awards among them) before the medical science category got underway. As expected, we won both awards in the category. Those were: 'Outstanding Innovation in Research and Development' and 'Best New Pharmaceutical Product'. Kabuto and the boss went up for those ones, and because the boss was PMSing, Kabuto had to make the speech. I must say he did very well, being all charming and clever while the boss stood there the whole time in the background, glowering like a petulant child and tossing his head.

The very last award, though, was a different story. No one knows who is nominated for Business of the Year until the night of the awards ceremony. It's always a surprise. Akatsuki won it last year, and, once again, their name was read out on the short-list of candidates, along with the Nanakusa restaurant chain and Gap clothing (why?)

When Haku smiled and said, "… and finally – Otogakure Enterprises!" the boss's jaw dropped. Every single head at our table turned to look at him. It was safe to say the petulant strop had vanished – having been replaced by an ardent longing, apparent only in the boss's eyes, which were glittering with desire. Instantly, I knew how much he wanted that award. Oh boy, did he want it. In a bad way. The boss is very competitive, and I don't really want to think how he would have reacted if we hadn't won.

On the podium, Haku dropped one of his patented, special TV presenter's Irritatingly Long Pauses. You know? The ones in which the presenter flashes a winning smile and waits so long before announcing the winner you want to reach through the screen and throttle them?

Under the table, I crossed my fingers and whispered, "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleasephplease…"

Then Haku put us all out of our misery.

"And this year's winner is… OTOGAKURE ENTERPRISES!"

The spotlight swung round to our table, but nothing could have made the boss's huge smile any brighter. He stood up so quickly he almost sent the whole table toppling.

"Quick!" he hissed, still managing to order us around while smiling furiously. "All of you, up, now!"

Instinctively, the boss grabbed my hand and propelled me along the red carpet onto the stage. The others followed, open-mouthed in astonishment, revelling in the cheers of the audience and the bright lights, in the free-flowing champagne and the appreciation of our peers and our opulent surroundings. It was such a rush. In a heartbeat, I was running up the stairs, hand in hand with the boss, and then Haku was heading for us, smiling, holding out the award. Grabbing it with both hands, the boss stared at it for a moment, as though he couldn't quite believe it. Then in one swift movement, he turned oh-so-gracefully, kissed me briefly but deeply in front of quite a lot of people, and dived for the podium, clutching the mic in a vice-like grip. There was no way Kabuto was going to get a word in edge-ways this time round. The thought made me laugh, and I stood there on stage, looking out at all the smiling faces. Suigetsu came charging up behind me, throwing an arm around my shoulder, yelling, "YEAH, WE DID IT! WE FUCKING DID IT!" Then Karin appeared, her face alight with joy, and, without thinking, I wrapped my arms around her and lifted her up in a great bear hug, spinning her around. Gen'yumaru joined us, and pretty soon, we were all caught up in a group-hug dancing circle (everyone except Kimimaro, of course – he had to stand at the boss's side and be dignified, as always.)

I have to admit… that part of the night sort of made all the hard work I've put in at Oto Enterprises over the past couple of years worth it. Somehow, I believe the boss was working along the same lines. He's put so much into this company, invested so much. We all have. It's nice to earn a little recognition. Hence our rather colourful and enthusiastic reaction.

Gradually, the applause died down as the audience waited for the great, infamous Orochimaru-sama of Otogakure Enterprises to speak.

"This award means more to me than you could ever know," the boss began. "It is the culmination of many years of creative toil and plain hard work. My vision, but a dream when I left the Akatsuki group, has now become reality. But it is not through my efforts alone. To aid me, I have an accomplished team both in research and development, headed by Yakushi Kabuto, and on a management level. Behind me are Suigetsu, my head of HR; Karin, of Marketing and PR; Amachi, my valuable IT guru; Gen'yumaru of Purchasing, who acquires for me everything I could ever want; Kaguya Kimimaro, the face of Finance; and finally Uchiha Sasuke, with whom you are more than likely familiar, my able and charismatic general manager of the north base. I would also like to mention Juugo, my head of Finance, who cannot be here today due to personal reasons.

In short, this award, my long-suffering employees, also belongs to you. It is the culmination of many years of creative toil and plain hard work. But although it is a culmination, a conclusion, an end of sorts, it is also a beginning.

This is not the last you will see of Otogakure Enterprises. This award, this recognition, is merely the beginning. If I have my way – and I will stop at nothing until I do – I shall see Otogakure Enterprises a household name: our products and services on the shelves of every personal medicine cupboard and every supermarket, prescribed by every general practitioner, used by every single hospital in every far flung corner of the world! This award is a springboard to bigger and better things, propelling Otogakure Enterprises toward the stars.

Our consumers trust us. We will continue to provide.

Thank you."

For being off the cuff, it was a really good speech. The whole of the grand ballroom erupted in applause and we filed off the stage behind the boss, two-by-two. Karin and I were grinning at each other the whole time, and since I was feeling chivalrous, I jumped the last few steps and held out my hand to help her down. Back at our table, the atmosphere had improved considerably, but this was not to last very long.

You know when you're bathed in the hot glare of the spotlight, the shadows all around appear that much darker? Well, imagine our table, alight and bubbling over with joy. Now imagine uncle Madara approaching, emerging from the shadows, with my brother trailing behind him like a wraith. It was freaky – like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland; his insincere smile appearing first, the rest of him following. The steely glint in his eyes told me he hadn't liked the way the night had turned out.

Worse still, his very presence reminded the boss that he was still angry with me (for something I did not do!) Pre-sabotaging-uncle, he was chatting away quite the thing. When Madara turned up, he seemed to stiffen. Then he pushed his chair away with a rude squawk and walked off, without a word of explanation to anyone.

Uncle Madara instantly spotted the vacated seat next to me and claimed it.

"Congratulations," he said, still with that steely look in his eyes. "Business of the Year, eh? That's quite an honour."

"Yeah. I noticed Akatsuki won it quite regularly before you bought most of it."

A brief flash of anger in Madara's eyes. I felt a thrill of victory. I had wounded him.

"Well, much like yourselves, Akatsuki are seeking the stars. Next year, perhaps?"

"I wouldn't count on it," I retorted. "Unless you stop treating your staff like crap, you won't have anyone left to get you there."

Bam! Another direct hit as an ugly look passed over my uncle's face. Obviously, recruitment was a real issue. The shadow was gone, though, in an instant – replaced with a subtle, sinister smile.

"Strange…" my uncle began, all-too-casually. "Strange, indeed, that such behaviour is tolerated in Orochimaru, where I am vilified." Then a deliberate change in tack as he added, "Ah well. Such is life. But how is Orochimaru? Forgive me for saying, but he seems a little out of sorts…"

The implication was left hanging in the air between us. We both knew damn fine what it meant. He told the boss about what happened in the sauna because he _knew_ it would rattle him.

The red mist descended…

"He's not alright," I began, dangerously quiet, leaning over to speak right into his face. "He's not alright because you've been sitting there on your fat arse all day drinking port and feeding him your lies!"

"Lies, Sasuke?" Madara said, with mock effrontery. "No. Not lies."

"Then an incomplete truth!" I hissed. "They're just as bad as out and out lies! Ha, you must've wanted to get up and dance when you heard me talking to Konan!"

Madara's laugh was short and humourless. He was still smiling, but his eyes had narrowed slightly and they were burning with pure malice.

"Dear me," he began, "I never thought I'd live to see one of my own, an Uchiha, born and bred, defend truth and justice. Whatever has our family come to? Your mother? Your father? What would they think of you—?"

I am not proud to say that I lost control. However, I am very proud to say that my loss of control was quite spectacular and I got him a good one. Beside me, lay the boss's glass of red wine – abandoned, but most importantly, full. In one fluid movement – my eyes not leaving my uncle's – my hand darted out to reach it, grabbed it, and threw the contents all over Madara's face.

There was a collective gasp at the table. Uncle Madara snarled and violently pushed his chair away, dripping wet. Behind him, Itachi's face went pale, and he cast me a significant look, mouthing the words, "Go! Now!"

I wasn't sure whether Madara was the type to reach over the table and beat the crap out of me, but I didn't want to take my chances. I ran from the table and didn't look back, all the way up to our suite in the fifty-third floor. I thought the boss might be there. He wasn't, so I put the chain on the lock, just to be safe.

I'm still here now, alone and bored, while the after-party is in full swing in the Club Lounge.

I cannot believe I'm hiding out from my uncle in a hotel room.

I cannot believe the boss is still being a brat about all this.

I cannot believe how badly this weekend has turned out.

Fuck my life.

LATER:

That's it. I'm going to the party. I don't care if Madara's going to be there. I'm bored and I want to find the boss. I want to sit him down and force him to listen to the truth. I can't take anymore of this crap.

I'll let you know how it goes.

LATER:

It's midnight… or at least I think it is.

I have spent the last hour and a half in the bathroom crying and throwing up. This is because, as I type, the boss is fucking Kimimaro senseless in the next room.

I'm sitting on the living room floor with my laptop, my back pressed against the wall, imagining I can see them, imagining I can hear them, imagining I can feel what they feel. I can picture it quite clearly: the boss with his fingers knotted in Kimimaro's long, moon-pale hair; his nails raking down his back; his eyes alight with lust; whispering to him the sweet nothings (for that is clearly what they are) he always whispered to me; telling him how beautiful he is, that he has always preferred him, that he will never set eyes on another, that I was a mistake, a poor substitute for the one who truly holds his heart.

My eyes are stinging, burning even. I'm shaking and weak. I can hardly walk. It took all that I had just to fetch my laptop and write. And I had to write… I just had to. If I don't talk about this… I don't know what I'll do.

Who am I kidding? I don't know what I'll do anyway. What'll I do when he comes back – if he comes back?

What'll I say?

I can't…

I just can't…

LATER:

I didn't make it to the party at the Club Lounge. I had to psyche myself up to go there in the first place, to face uncle Madara and the rest of them for the sake of my relationship. Ha, what a fucking joke! I needn't have bothered.

When I was walking down the corridor to the Club Lounge, I stopped short when I heard a familiar voice. It was the boss's, and it had a weary, exasperated note to it. My heart skipped a beat when I realised the boss's voice was coming from inside someone's room – someone else's room, not ours. Suddenly fretting, I whipped round, trying to discern the source. The reply was not long in coming. With a sickening lurch, I recognised Kimimaro's cultured, wistful tones coming from his room – _his room!_ – and I ran straight for the door, pressing my ear against it.

To my surprise, the door gave way beneath my hands with a quiet click. They hadn't locked it properly.

It was then I knew something bad was going to happen.

My heartbeat quickened, and I could feel my hands trembling as they touched the cool, smooth metal handle. At that moment, I had two options: leave and live in blissful ignorance, or stay and know and live in despair.

I am who I am. I chose the latter.

Softly, softly, I pushed open the door, cringing, waiting for one of them to notice me and loudly protest their innocence. But it never came. In the living room, there was no one to be found. A window lay open, a chill breeze blowing in, disturbing the curtains. The voices were clearer, though. I really did begin to panic when I realised they were coming from the bedroom.

Once again, the door was ajar. I spied a crack of warm, dim light within, and I could hear every word. Leaning against the wall, my stomach churned as I contemplated looking. Did I want to look? I asked myself. Did I really want to see what was going on in there? Did I truly want to make my life miserable for myself – a prospect I had taunted Kimimaro with only hours ago?

Of course I did. Of course I looked. I couldn't have lived without knowing.

Carefully, silently, I knelt with one knee on the floor and peered through the gap.

Kimimaro was sitting on the bed (another four poster, though in a different style) while the boss paced the length of the room, agitated about something. His hair was all a-tangle and he'd managed to smear his eye make-up. Kimimaro looked up at him, his expression a mixture of unconcealed longing and concern.

"— Kimimaro-kun, I have had it up to here with him!" the boss said, throwing his hands in the air. "He pushes and pushes… and I can tolerate it no longer!"

My stomach did a sad, little flip as I realised he was talking about me.

"Does he believe he can bat his eyes at me and I'll let him away with anything? Hmmm? Does he?"

Once again, my careless words came back to haunt me. Kimimaro saw his opening, and he grabbed it with both hands. Outside in the living room, I silently shook my head, mouthing, "No, no, no…"

"Well, Orochimaru-sama… I- I didn't really want to have to be the one to tell you this, but something Uchiha-san said to me by the pool this morning… well… I- I think he probably does believe it."

The boss stopped short and turned to fix Kimimaro with an oddly intent gaze.

"What did he say?" the boss said slowly, almost as though he didn't want to hear the answer.

"He said he was so certain of your favour, so certain you'd never go near me again that he could 'leave you unsupervised' while he went for a sauna."

"Did he now…?"

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama. And that is the truth!"

Then Kimimaro's voice took on a more urgent, a more pleading note as he rose and walked towards the boss, his eyes shining with obsessive, obedient, submissive love.

"I don't know why you continue to put yourself through this, Orochimaru-sama," he said, laying a gentle hand on the boss's arm. "The Uchiha sincerely believes he has you wrapped around his little finger – and I hate it! I cannot stand for it any longer! He is arrogant, spoiled and vain, and knows nothing of suffering! I would suffer for you, Orochimaru-sama. I _have_ suffered for you, for so, so long…"

Then he shifted, moving in front of the boss to hook his arms around his neck, tilting his head up so he could look into his eyes. It was hard for me to watch then. I wanted so badly to storm in and beat Kimimaro until even dental records wouldn't help. But I didn't. Why? I'm not sure. I guess it was sort of a test, to see if the boss really would go through with it. Unfortunately for me, he did.

"I would never treat you with such disrespect," Kimimaro went on, his voice softening as he moved in for the kill. "I have always honoured you, Orochimaru-sama, honoured and obeyed without question…"

Their faces were but inches from touching.

"I am in love with you, Orochimaru-sama," he whispered. "I adore you. You are my sun. You always have been. Why won't you see that? Why won't you let—?"

In the end, Kimimaro didn't have to do the deed. The boss did, his hands jerking compulsively, wrenching Kimimaro forward and pressing his lips to his. For the briefest of moments, Kimimaro's eyes widened, obviously not expecting such a reaction, but it didn't take him long to recover. He melted into his long-awaited kiss.

It was like a knife in my heart. I am not lying. When I saw the boss kiss Kimimaro, I actually felt a real, physical pain. A tight, aching feeling. It was in lots of places, but mostly centred in my chest, and I clutched at it, suddenly finding that breathing wasn't so easy anymore. Tears stung at my eyes and then a single drop escaped, falling to the floor. I wondered vaguely whether the boss would notice it in the morning. Before long, I realised I was shaking – actually shaking – and when the boss guided Kimimaro over to the bed and laid him down upon it, I couldn't take it anymore.

I ran.

I ran back to the suite, not caring whether anyone heard me. I threw the door open in desperation and slammed it behind me. Inside, alone, unloved, a great black wave of despair washed over me. The feeling of betrayal was too much. It overwhelmed me, and I ran into the bathroom and was sick. Then I cried. I cried so hard it made me sick again and when the tears ran dry, I slumped to the floor next to the toilet, shivering and staring into space.

I jumped when I heard the knock at the door. Terrified, thinking it was the boss, I dried my eyes and bounded through the living room, diving for the door. Upon opening it, I discovered it was not the boss, but Kimimaro. He was wearing only a bathrobe, and I knew then for certain they'd been having sex. He held a brown paper package in his hand, tied with string, and he raised an eyebrow at me.

"Been drinking, have we?" he said in that passive-aggressive manner that makes me want to punch him through a wall.

I realised why he might have thought that. When I saw him standing in front of me, at my door, while the boss was no doubt waiting in his bed for another round, I just couldn't get over the audacity of it. I couldn't register. I completely froze up, and I just stood there staring at him dumbly. Plus, my eyes were red-rimmed and glassy from crying and I no doubt smelled faintly of vomit.

"Oh well. Never mind," he said, supremely unconcerned. "I just wanted to give you this."

He handed me the package and all I could do was stare. With numb fingers, I took it, and he swept away, back to the boss, back to bed, slamming the door in my face.

I unwrapped it where he had left me standing. It was a slim, brown journal – ring-bound and narrow ruled. Puzzled, I opened it to the first page and found Kimimaro's graceful, looping hand filled the page. I began to read.

----

_August 3__rd_

My name is Kaguya Kimimaro, and I think I am dying.

I couldn't stop reading, even though every word he wrote drove another nail of grief into my heart. At the end was a note, written freshly by Kimimaro on Ritz-Carlton hotel paper in emerald-green ink. It said:

_I can see the fear in your eyes, Uchiha Sasuke. I know that you know what this means. You are clever, of course, and you have realised. But it is too late._

_Winner takes all._

----

It was his journal. The fucking journal he wrote on his deathbed. The fucking journal that contained all the evidence that the boss had been lying to me for months – no, years! It was as plain as day that he did still have feelings for Kimimaro, despite him repeatedly telling me otherwise, and that he hadn't got over him…

… he was only holding back.

I've been walking a knife-edge for so long, and I didn't even realise. It's humiliating.

It's not even my fault…

LATER:

I wish my phone would shut the fuck up. Someone keeps texting me. It's driving me crazy.

LATER:

Instant Karma, that strange, coincidental and otherworldly state of affairs in which when one does wrong, one is immediately punished. For example, you kick the backs of your brother's knees, making him fall, and the next second, a bird flies over and shits in your laughing mouth. That's instant Karma. You get what you give – and you get it right then and there.

Tonight, I played the role of Karma. That ancient philosophical wisdom that dictates actions have consequences.

Well, Orochimaru-sama, your actions have big, fucking consequences, because it just so happens that I, too, have someone who is desperately in love with me and is willing to jump if I click my fingers.

I slept with Karin. It was so easy.

She was the one who had been texting me, ever since I ran out on the Otogakure lot after the awards. Her texts were all worry and concern:

'Sasuke, are you okay? Your uncle's gone to change. It's safe to come out. K xxx'

'You okay? Let me know. K xxx'

'We're in the Club Lounge. Where are you? K xxx'

'I know you probably don't feel like it, but if you change your mind and want to talk, I'm in my room. K xxx'

Sitting in my room, alone, unloved and betrayed… it was like a light went on in my head. It was like the sun came out, scattering all the dark clouds, leaving one pure thought in the distance, clear as day, shining upon the horizon.

Two could play at that game.

I didn't even fix myself, didn't even clean myself up before I went knocking on Karin's door. It took a while for her to answer. She was obviously in bed.

Eventually, the door opened and Karin stood there. She was wearing a short, silk nightdress – black and low cut. Her long, red hair was falling out of a loose ponytail and her glasses were crooked.

"Sasuke?" she began, sleepily. "What's wrong?"

Stepping forward, driven by demons of desperate despair and intent on retribution, I grabbed her and kissed her. She let out a little whimper of surprise but she clung to me, and I upped the intensity, pushing her inside and kicking the door closed behind me.

"Sasuke…" she said breathlessly, as I moved lower, kissing her neck, making her gasp, "what are you doing? I thought—"

"Shhh…" I said, hushing her, placing a finger upon her warm lips. "I've changed my mind."

And then I slept with her. It was so easy. It was also oddly cathartic, for I took out all my frustrations on her and still managed to make her moan and beg for more. By the end, she was lying there, gazing up at me, her lashes beaded in silver tears, so grateful for what I had given her.

I had given her nothing. I was punishing someone else.

I felt wonderful.

Naturally, I couldn't stay. We both knew that. Karin, however, was quite content with our one magical night together. What she doesn't know is that I'm planning more. Somehow, I doubt she'll protest.

I dressed, kissed her goodnight, and headed back to the suite. The boss was still with Kimimaro, and even though the thought grated, I was relieved. It meant I could take a shower and scrub off the smell of Karin's perfume. When I was finished, I put on my nightclothes and crawled into bed. It was strange, but I didn't feel the least bit tired, so I was wide awake and reading a book when the boss finally deigned to grace me with his presence.

He, too, was washed and freshly smelling of soap. Two could obviously play at our game. I turned over as he undressed, fearing that my look of revulsion would give me away. I tried to ignore him and concentrate on my book as he slipped into bed beside me and wrapped an arm around my waist.

"Sasuke-kun," he murmured, burying his head into the little hollow between my neck and shoulders, "oh, my Sasuke-kun…"

I almost shuddered, wondering what the hell he was playing at. Then realisation dawned. The bastard wanted to have his cake and eat it! It was a repeat of the Kabuto/Kimimaro situation all over again! Astounded at his audacity, I had to fight to suppress the urge to slap his hands away and have it out with him.

If he thinks it's going to be a repeat of the old Kabuto/Kimimaro situation, then he is making the biggest mistake of his life. Unlike either of the two, I already have the advantage and I know exactly what's going on. What he doesn't know, is that I'm playing my own game, and that he's the one who's being fooled – not I.

That's why I could tolerate it when he started kissing me. Hell, I even managed a little seduction and endured the subsequent sex without a flicker of remorse. I'd say the same was true for the boss as well. But that's okay. I don't mind. I can do this now, you see, for the knowledge of my own dirty, little secret sustains me.

He's going to regret ever going near that home-wrecking shitbag.

I'll make sure of it.

* * *

AN: "Can I help you?" "Yes, I'd like to order one can of worms please." "Right-o. One can of worms, coming right up. Here you go." "Cheers." "Hey, wait! Are you sure you wanna open them right here?" "Yup." "Really?" "Resolute." "Well, I'm going for my lunch break. Clean up when you've finished, alright?"

Yeah. Drama much? XD Sorry if any of you are traumatized by the chapter. It had to happen, but at least Sasuke's fighting back, right? And speaking of drama, omg, did you read the latest chapter of Naruto? OH, HINATA! I weep for you, you poor, gentle soul! :-( But I have seen the spoilers - so there is hope? Damn, it's still sad, though.

But enough talk of sad things... it's time for the thank-yous!

**NayanRoo** (Yes! Now you know how much trauma you put me (and your other readers) through with Shadowplay lol. Though I guess I can't say anything after this chapter (have faith in the master plan). One thing I do know, however, is that I now officially love writing Madara! He's just so damned manipulative. What he has up his sleeve concerning Itachi, though, I cannot say. I leave you to speculate. And possibly fret. And gnaw. And flail with anxiety. XD)

**eerabbit** (Happy and sad all at once? Awesome. That's exactly what I was going for! But where did I use tack? That's definitely a typo, as I would never confuse the two. Got to go back and change that one.)

**ArilianaFireQueen** (Why hello again! It was nice to see your name popping up on the review boards again. :) Good to hear school's going better, and well done for passing Chemistry. I'm full of admiration. Science and math has never been my strong point. $50 for front row seats? I'm up for that! Though, you sort of got a fight in this chapter. Kimi won this one, but watch this space!)

**Aperion** (Oh my god, I am so ashamed. We ended up on Oxford Street on the last day. I dragged my two uni companions around three different Uniqlos to find a particular pair of jeans I wanted but had sold out everywhere. And temptation, thy name is Topshop! If the last chapter left you chilled, then I guess I did a good job! :D It was exactly what I was going for. And you picked up on the change of reading material too. Very sharp. Too sharp. I must watch out for you, lest you guess everything! XD)

**uberhaxxorofpwnage** (Tension, indeed. I'm sorry if the outcome of this chapter made you rage and flail, lol. I couldn't help it. All part of the plan!)

**Insomniac Owl** (You know what? I'm so glad you're looking forward to all the drama. I am too. I love writing it. I cannot wait for the next couple of chapters. From now on, the story's going to be much more focused on Oro and Sasuke! :D I bet it was more satisfying being able to read it all through at once. I guess you have the advantage over some of the others, though, in that you remember the little things from older chapters and tie things together. I've tried to keep it related to canon, but it's difficult sometimes. Especially with the Pain situation. I changed my mind because I realised in the last chapter I said I wouldn't do something (introduce Naruto's parents) and then went and did it. It's good for the story, trust me!)

**Bri** (Oh, how do I get the feeling people will be cursing my name! XD Unfortunately, Oro has done something very stupid, just as you feared. But jeez... you totally called the Sasuke Karin plotline! I think and alloysius were the only ones to come out and say it, so points and prizes go to you! And omg, I have been reading the manga. When Hinata came flying out of the air and BAM! Pain smacks her sideways, I was all like "NOES!" :O But then I saw this week's spoilers and now I'm all "wtf is going on?")

**Dooki** (Oh no. If you were freaked out and concerned last chapter, then I wonder how you're feeling at the end of this. I was thinking about leaving updating for a bit, but I couldn't resist writing this chapter. I only hope you can forgive me for the horrible way Oro and Sasu are treating each other.)

**Roxanne Morinaka** (Lol, it seems everyone is freaking out for Sasuke. With good reason too. After this chapter, I think he might be feeling a little unstable...)

**Nozomi-sama** (I shall let you in on a little secret: I, too, say lol in everyday conversation. I cannot help it. It makes me lol. XD Some understand, some don't. But I don't care. For lol is the way of the future! But you hit the nail on the head when you said you could sense sad things on the horizon. You were also right about it being written sutbly but obviously. Sounds like a contradiction, but I was going for that. Obvious enough for the reader to sense, but subtle enough so that Sasuke doesn't ever really realise. Poor Sasuke...)

**Ladyrouge214** (You are so right. It's even more apparent in this chapter. Damned, stubborn pride.)

**YoungSasuke** (Oh, YoungSasuke! You think you're not good at reading into context of stories? Well you are! So much so that I want you send you points and prizes in abundance. You absolutely got it spot on. I bet Sasuke would love to trade places with you right now, to know what you know. But then, that's why I like writing this fic. We all know, but Sasuke remains pretty much clueless. The poor Sauce...)

**NaruGuru** (Hmmm... I didn't exactly break them up. That's okay, right? Damn... everyone's totally going to curse my name tonight, I can feel it! XD Well, at least you can take solace in the fact that Naruto and Hinata's relationship is coming to a close. Also, you have Chromde to freak out with. That's got to be worth something, right?)

**Chromde** (Well... as I said to NaruGuru, I didn't exactly break them up. They're still together. It's just that Sasuke is really not best pleased with Oro - and Oro hasn't the faintest clue that Sasuke's up to no good with Karin. Your three predictions... Hmmm... they're interesting. Two has already sort of happened, but Oro is still with Sasuke. Three... well... all I'm going to say is that the issue will be important. Very important. You'll find out next chapter.)

**alloysius** (All I have to say is well damned spotted! You totally called the Saskue Karin plot. Points and prizes go to you! :) And I guess you'll be okay with the OroKimi stuff going on, but at the same time it's also still very much OroSasu. Aie! The drama! XD I'm glad you like the drama, btw, because there's going to be much more of it.)

**Neko-Oni** (Sinus trouble and pains in chests? Sad times. I hope you're feeling better now. I'm glad you liked the Akatsuki bit on the bus. I was giggling to myself when I wrote it (I really need to stop writing so much and get out more.) I guess you'll have been pleased with Kakuzu's annual product of the year prank. XD Alas, I can't tell you whether Oro slept with Kimi that night when Sasuke was in Konoha - you'll find out later.)

**foreverloved** (Ahhh... the choice thing. Yes. It will all become crystal clear in a later chapter - which I'm really looking forward to writing, in a bad way. But whether or not Oro did originally intend to break up with him, he obviously hasn't, since he's trying to have his cake and eat it. Never a good thing, especially with a vengeful Uchiha in your bed...)

**chibibaka1** (Hi again! Yes, sorry about glueing you to the screen with all the drama, but I can't help it! I still love torturing Sasuke! XD Only you, the far east anthropologist, would pick up on the Japanese mythological names for rides. And I'm with you on the Susanoo ride! I want one like that! You totally nailed the anger turning to worry about losing Oro. It's like Sasuke sort of knows what this'll mean, but doesn't want to back down as his pride is at stake. And Tsunade defending Oro's attachment to Sasuke is important. It's an outside opinion!)

**Kaira-chan15** (I love it when you come up and surprise me with review for past chapters. It makes me want to go back and read everything through again! (And maybe I should, in case I've dropped a plot stitch, lol.) I had completely forgotten about the Pantene Sleek-n-Smooth fight. Dammit, the thought of it still makes me lol! XD Also, you are right. It should definitely be 'her' not 'his'. That's quite an intrusive error. It's on my 'to do' list for when I go back and edit. Cheers for letting me know!)

**fiore777** (You managed to get your hands on the Orochimaru username? Whoa. I bet you were on that shit so fast when the old Orochimaru said he was leaving! XD I do still come to the NF forums occasionally. Mostly for spoilers on the Konoha Telegrams. And I still have a strange love for the Library. I hadn't been reading the manga for a bit and then I saw a post on NayanRoo's journal saying "ASSSSS!! :(" and I was like, whoa? So I shot over and... damn. Lots of stuff going on. And Jiraiya would definitely be the best parent out of the three (or two, really. Oro shouldn't even be considered. The social would be on you like that.)

**Beqs** (Wow, you reviewed right on time! And I just have to say that your little rhyme at the end made me lol. I love it muchly and I'm _so_ going to use it at the next given opportunity. So right back at ya! Hope this chapter didn't make you freak out. XD)

* * *


	39. Chapter 39

A Day in the Life

* * *

AN: danni quinn, if you're still about, waaaaay back in chapter twenty-two, you mentioned something about STI tests in a review. Finally, I get to credit you for the idea! XD

* * *

September 30th

I have managed to maintain my deception for over two months. My behaviour, in the meantime, has grown somewhat routine.

After work, I head back to the compound arm-in-arm with the boss. We have dinner together, as per usual, and I have to tolerate his company and pretend I don't want to smash his face in and ram his chopsticks up his pee-hole. About an hour later, the boss will make a sickeningly convincing work-related excuse, which leaves him free to head over to Kimimaro's apartment. Normally, the boss stays with Kimimaro for at least a few hours. This leaves me free to make my own work-related excuses to the rest of the house, at which point I phone Karin and tell her to meet me at my office for some sustained, sexual acrobatics atop my desk.

I have come to enjoy these illicit moments immensely. Mainly because I can lose myself in the moment, breathe in the intoxicating scent of Karin's perfume, and pretend I no longer have feelings for the boss.

Yes, I still have feelings for him. I cannot do anything about this, no matter how hard I try. It irks me, confuses me, keeps me awake at night while I'm lying in bed with him. Actually, now that I think about it, I would hazard a guess that lying in bed with the boss at night is half the cause of my anguish. I'm still sleeping with him. Regularly. Still enduring the sex and his sweet words of praise and empty promises. Fucking Kimimaro on the side is obviously not enough for him, for he comes home, finds me wherever I happen to be in the house, kisses me into bed and has his way with me. And I let him, because if I were to stop sleeping with him, he'd know something was wrong.

The worst part of it is… we haven't had an argument since the Product of the Year Awards. The boss has been so nice to me over the past two months: giving me time off here and there, buying me things, not shouting at Naruto, complimenting me in front of people at work, staring at me when he thinks I'm not looking (he still does this, and, I believe, will continue to do so until the end of time.) He tells me other things in bed at night, about how he prefers me, about how beautiful I am, how clever, how witty.

I try to suck it all up, to roll my eyes and tell myself that they are lies and that I shouldn't listen. But it hurts. It hurts quite badly, and I always end up thinking, maybe… maybe he does mean it? Then, as ever, the more rational, Uchihan part of my psyche coughs politely and informs me that if he did mean it, he wouldn't be banging an emotionally unstable, obsessive freak on the side. It's round about then I pick up the phone and call Karin because I want to punish the boss all over again for making me feel this way.

It's not only the boss I'm lying to, though, and that's what makes everything so much worse. I'm lying to everyone in the house subjected to my poor excuses; to Naruto, to Jiraiya, to Kiku, to Kabuto. I'm lying to my brother, to Kisame, to Deidara and Sasori, who always ask me in emails how things are going between the boss and I. I'm lying to my co-workers, to Suigetsu, Amachi and Gen'yumaru, who ask more or less the same thing. And I'm lying to Karin most of all – Karin, my friend, who really does care for me, and is basically laying her job on the line to pander to my whim.

The guilt is beginning to get to me, but I cannot do anything about it. It's the only way I can cope, the only way I can come to terms with what the boss is doing to me.

I'll go mad if I can't fight back...

Oh well. The boss left fifteen minutes ago on pretence of heading off to the labs to have another look at some possible genetic marvel he and Kabuto discovered earlier on in the week. Translated, this means he will be with Kimimaro for the next couple of hours. Of course, I have already called Karin. I mean, I may as well get a little fun out of this, right?

LATER:

The boss almost caught us tonight. I am taking this as a sign that we'll have to change venues if I want this to continue in the manner to which I have become accustomed. Either that, or bring it to an end, which is more likely and happens to be what we have officially arranged.

For some reason unknown, the boss apparently _did_ decide to head over to the labs instead of shagging Kimimaro. This proved something of a shock to Karin and I, as we were sweaty, buck naked and in the middle of making each other moan when I heard the familiar sound of the boss's wooden geta _click-clacking_ down the corridor. Instantly, I froze. Karin was still straddling me, and I looked up at her. Her eyes were wide with fear.

"Sasuke?" she whispered. "I thought you said he wasn't coming in tonight?"

"He wasn't! He must've changed his mind!"

"Shit! Shit, shit, shit!" she hissed, jumping off me and diving to pick up her discarded items of clothing.

_Click-clack, click-clack, click-clack…_

The boss's footsteps were coming ever closer. Suddenly frantic and not that keen on being caught, I also leapt to my feet and bundled all the clothes I could reach into my arms. Finished, I grabbed Karin's arm and, together, we fled to my closet and hid inside (in which I have recently taken to keeping spare suits and changes of clothing – for meetings with investors and less official meetings with Karin.)

A tense few moments passed in the dark, the two of us squashed in with my favourite suits and kimono, shivering and completely naked, our clothes clutched tightly in our arms as though they were our firstborns. Embarrassingly, I was also nursing a semi.

The wardrobe door was open a crack, and I peeked through it, hoping against hope the boss wouldn't clock that we'd left the light on. Unfortunately, he is rather observant, and he did. The door opened, and the boss's hand appeared round it, automatically reaching for the light-switch. "Yes!" I thought. "Turn the light off, Orochimaru-sama, and get the hell out so I'm not stuck in here for the rest of the night."

It seemed he was about to do that when his hand stopped in mid-air, hovering over the light-switch. Changing his mind, he lowered his hand, pushed the door open and walked in.

Oh holy hell.

My stomach lurched and I felt Karin grab my hand. I really thought we were goners.

My heart thumping, I watched through the gap as the boss sat down behind my desk, picking up the framed picture of us I keep on it, along with one of my brother and I, my mum and dad, Naruto and Sakura, and the Otogakure trip to Hokage Mountain. He sat and stared at the photo of us for a while with a funny, little half-smile on his face, before he set it down and reached for my notepad. Tearing out a leaf, he borrowed one of my good fountain pens and wrote a short something on it. Folding it twice, he left it on my desk for me to find, and he pushed the chair away, finished for the night. The wheels of the chair, however, seemed to become stuck on something. With horror, I watched as the boss reached down to remove the stuck object and reappeared with a pair of my boxers.

I was glad, then, that Karin couldn't see what was going on. She'd have probably squeaked or screamed or burst out of the closet, weeping, and given us away.

The boss observed my underpants with a faint frown before slipping them into the folds of his kimono and leaving the room, flipping the light-switch at the last. Karin and I stayed in the wardrobe until I saw the boss flit past my window in a lab-coat, at which point we crawled out, strangely subdued, and dressed in silence. It's safe to say we were no longer in the mood.

Karin was the one who noticed the note the boss had left me. As I was lacing my shoes, she picked it up and perused it.

"Sasuke?" she said quietly, offering me the little square of paper she held in her fingertips. "I think this is for you."

The sad smile accompanying her words puzzled me, and I took it. I took it and as I read, I understood. It was, indeed, a note from the boss, in his slanting, beautiful and precise hand. The note didn't say much, but what it lacked in verbosity, it appeared to make up in feeling.

It said:

"Sasuke-kun, you are my sun.

Forever and always.

Oro.

xxx"

For some reason… it really got to me, and tears sprung to my eyes before I was aware enough to fight them. Angrily, I brushed them away and blinked them back. I really did hate him then. I hated him for causing my very fragile composure to waver in front of Karin. Up until then, I had been keeping my feelings resolutely in check. It was my self-imposed rule to not think about him while I was with Karin, lest I actually have a nervous breakdown at how much of a soap-opera fuck-up my life has become. His sweet words, once again, got under my skin. And Karin noticed.

"Sasuke..." she began, laying a gentle hand on my arm. "I don't think we should do this anymore."

It must have taken her a lot of effort to say it, because I know she has really fallen for me. Quite hard, in fact. I stared at the backs of my hands, unable to look her in the eye for fear she would return my gaze and see everything written there.

"Orochimaru-sama must like you a lot," she went on, unknowingly causing my heart to sink lower and lower with every word. "I mean... wow... I wish someone would say something like that about me. Ha, I never knew the boss was so romantic! I'll never be able to look at him in the same way again."

She was doing an excellent job at maintaining a falsely cheerful facade, but simmering just beneath the surface was terrible heartache. I think in that moment she realised there was still something there between the boss and I – a something she could not begin to comprehend, be a part of, or ever break. And Karin wasn't the only one to experience that particular epiphany. That old, familiar ache settled in my chest once again. I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted out of there, to get back to the compound and maybe drink a bottle of wine and a half to myself so I could pass out on the bed and not have to deal with anything.

"Sasuke... I don't think we should do this anymore."

Taking a deep, shuddering breath, I let my head fall into my hands. She was right. There was nothing I could do about it. We could always change venues, but the horrible, conflicting feelings would still follow me: guilt, resentment, betrayal, grief, anger – all of those things. The boss's shadow looms over everything, and I can never escape him. And besides, it really isn't fair on Karin. Hence my agreeing with her.

"Okay..." I said quietly. "Tomorrow night's our last night. After that, everything goes back to normal. Yeah?"

Karin nodded, her eyes watering. She, too, seemed embarrassed and wiped them away just as quickly as they'd come. I wanted to hug her and tell her I was sorry, but I couldn't. I just took her hand and led her out of the office, parting ways as we always did at the forking pathway between the boss's house and the apartment blocks. We kissed goodbye, let go of each others' hands and walked away. Understandably, I was in a bad mood when I trudged into the house. Jiraiya, Kiku and Kylie were in the TV room watching Bleach (again – Kiku's obsessed with it) and I slammed the door behind me and threw myself onto the sofa.

"Is that the door shut then?" Jiraiya said loudly, chuckling.

Jiraiya was clearly in a jovial, wise-cracking mood, and I knew I wouldn't be able to stand it for any length of time. I sighed and stormed straight back out, heading for the bedroom. Once I was safely installed, I phoned downstairs and asked for a bottle of Claret and a glass – a big one. I am currently working my way through it with the TV on in the background and it might please you to know that I'm making excellent progress.

Drinking alone in bed on a week night...

That's really not a good thing, is it?

LATER:

I'm downstairs in the TV room with Naruto, Jiraiya, Kiku and Kabuto. Naruto came and fetched me from my room and was offended to discover I had been drinking without him. For the past couple of hours, we have been drinking copious amounts of alcohol and watching Bleach episodes Kiku bought on DVD. Being already half-sozzled, I am finding the strangest things incredibly funny. I find Kenpachi's gravity-defying hair hilarious. I have a compelling urge to touch it to see if it'll cut my finger.

At any rate, I feel better now, though I still want to pass out before the boss gets back. Kabuto did suggest a drinking game. I think that will help matters along nicely.

October 1st

Work was horrendous today. Both Kabuto and I were nursing hangovers from hell. As such, we spent most of our morning hiding out in the Staff Room, sprawled on the couches and groaning. Just before lunch, Kimimaro popped his head round the door and admonished us for slacking off, at which point Kabuto turned round and told him to cram it.

I love Kabuto sometimes. Since he's the head of R&D, he's technically second-in-command, but he never acts like it. You'd think, being in possession of such power that he would, but the guy loves his work, pure and simple, and isn't interested in office politics. A rare breed, he gets his way without yelling in people's faces and pulling rank, and I must confess I rather admire that about him. The only thing is, when he _does_ tell you to cram it – you fucking cram it, no questions asked. Kimimaro, therefore, could do nothing but roll his eyes and slam the door on us.

One of these days, I am actually going to murder him...

LATER:

Once again, the boss has made his sickeningly convincing excuses and disappeared. Tonight is my last night with Karin... and I don't quite know how I feel about that. I expect I'll know for certain when I end up screaming into my pillow later on tonight.

We'll see...

Wish me luck.

LATER:

The boss saw everything. He was lying in wait, ready to catch us out. Actually, I'm not sure that is entirely accurate. I believe (from what I could discern through his terrible fire-storm of a rage) that he had a suspicion and wished to see for himself whether that suspicion was founded. Unfortunately for him, for me, for Karin – for everyone involved – it was.

A matter that could have quite possibly made things worse: that I was feeling kindly disposed towards Karin and wished to treat her properly and make it up to her, since I had essentially used her in order to satisfy a personal lust for revenge. I have achieved my revenge. At what cost? I do not know. I don't want to think about it.

I met Karin at reception at eight-thirty sharp, as per usual. As agreed, we had both dressed for the occasion; I in my achingly sharp tuxedo, and Karin in a sexy little black dress. I felt a pang when I saw her wearing it, since she had told me before it was her power dress, one she wears when she feels she needs a boost of confidence. She smiled when she spotted me, but it was a brittle smile, all too in danger of breaking at the slightest touch. Therefore, I resolved to be tread carefully and be kind.

"Karin..." I said, taking her hand and kissing it. "You look stunning."

"Likewise," she retorted, tossing her hair, affording me a touch of her beautiful scent. "But then you always look good, Sasuke. It's an Uchiha thing, right?"

Then she grinned, and I felt alive. The banter was back, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, the night would go smoothly.

"Of course," I said, with a little bow. "And with great beauty comes consummate grace..."

I held out my arm and Karin took it, shaking her head at my playful arrogance.

"Shall I escort my lady to our destination?"

"If it pleases Uchiha-san."

"It pleases," I replied airily. "And I have many delightful things to show my lady. If you behave yourself with proper decorum, I might just show you my etchings."

Karin's eyes glinted and she leaned in to whisper in my ear, nibbling a little at the lobe. Teasing, tantalising...

"And what if I choose not to behave with proper decorum?"

"Then I'll simply have to tear all your clothes off and have you up against the wall," I replied, frankly, before I kissed her.

Naturally, Karin locked her arms around my neck and we were fumbling all the way down in the elevator and all along the corridor. By the time I kicked the door open to my office, we'd worked each other up into a frenzy, and I was already undoing the buttons on my shirt. I don't know what got into me (maybe Karin's perfume really had intoxicated me), for I let go of her for a brief moment and bounded over to my desk. With one reckless movement, I swept everything off it, scattering a mountain of paperwork and sending pens, pencils, stupid desk toys, my lamp and all my photo frames crashing to the floor. Then I spun round, grinning wickedly, and lifted Karin into my arms. She squeaked with surprise and delight and let me carry her over to my desk, like a bride across the threshold. I laid her down upon it, and I climbed on top of her, nestling myself in between her legs.

For a moment, we just lay there, looking at each other. We were both terribly out of breath and laughing. It really hit me then just how much she liked me. Smiling, Karin reached up and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear – an action that reminded me painfully of the boss, but I suppressed the memory. I did not want to spoil Karin's night.

Then she whispered, "Thanks for doing this, Sasuke."

"It was a pleasure," I said, the guilt eating away at me from within.

I kissed her, and she kissed me back, and I slipped effortlessly into my bad old ways of trying desperately not to think about the boss. Therefore, it came as something of a shock to me when Karin breathlessly screamed his name in the middle of a steamy fumble when I was trying to take off her bra.

"_Oh... oh god... Orochimaru-sama! Orochimaru-sama!"_

Everything came crashing down.

Instantly, I felt Karin tense, every muscle rigid and clenching with fear, and she leapt off me as though I were toxic and crouched behind the desk, pulling her dress back up around her shoulders, as if it would go some way to placating my _very_ significant other.

A cold dread settled about my heart, and I turned. He was standing there in the doorway, leaning against the frame, his expression unreadable. How long he'd been there, I didn't know. My heart was racing. I couldn't do anything. I just froze, sitting there on my desk, my shirt and belt undone, surrounded by a sea of scattered evidence exposing our forbidden liaison. Behind my desk, Karin was actually whimpering.

After an excruciating silence, the boss stepped forward and closed the door quietly behind him. This only made the sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach worse. He'd effectively blocked our only escape route – leaving us completely at his mercy. He caught my eye, and the undercurrent of barely restrained fury made me shiver.

Slowly, slowly, the boss dipped a pale hand into the folds of his kimono and extracted the pair of boxers I had left at the scene of last night's crime. Then the edge of his mouth curled upward. It was not a smile.

"Sasuke-kun..." he said. "You forgot these."

I will never forget what happened next. Not as long as I live.

The boss struck quick, scrunching up the garment and launching it across the room. The next thing I knew, he was behind my desk. Karin had tried desperately to hide under it, but I watched in horror as the boss grabbed a vicious fistful of her hair and dragged her out into the middle of the floor, her feet slipping and sliding underneath her, struggling for purchase. Karin was sobbing and I was shouting at him to "Leave her alone, for fuck's sake! It's not her fault!" But trying to reason with the boss in anger is futile in the extreme – like trying to catch the wind, or trying to count all the stars in the night sky.

The boss wrenched Karin's head up so she was forced to look right at him. She was on her knees, terrified, and I didn't blame her. Then the boss smiled a truly nasty smile and brought his face inches from hers.

"You filthy... little... _whore_..." he hissed.

And he let go of her hair, drew back his hand and slapped her so hard across the face it sent her sprawling. The sound of the impact echoed throughout the room.

Outraged and shocked to the core, I leapt to my feet.

"Oh my god, what the _hell_ are you doing?" I yelled angrily, grabbing his arm and trying to get him away from Karin, who was prostrate on the floor, sobbing.

But he shoved me aside and started ranting. I seriously thought he was going to hurt her.

"HOW _DARE_ YOU TOUCH MY SASUKE-KUN!" he roared. "HOW DARE YOU EVEN _THINK_ TO BRING YOUR FILTHY HANDS NEAR HIM! DID YOU ENJOY IT? DID YOU? DID YOU ENJOY HAVING HIM WRITHE AROUND UNDERNEATH YOU AFTER YOU SEDUCED HIM, YOU NASTY LITTLE WITCH? DID YOU ENJOY IT WHEN HE CAME BACK FOR MORE? DID YOU? THOUGH I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE SEES IN YOU. IT'D BE LIKE FUCKING A DIRTY, FLEA-RIDDEN OLD COUCH!!"

I couldn't take it anymore. It was pitiful to watch. The boss was towering over Karin, screaming at her, while she lay on the floor, cringing with every word as though the boss were lashing at her with a whip, drawing blood. I couldn't watch him do that to her. Not when it was my fault.

"WILL YOU LAY OFF HER?" I shouted, stepping forward and shoving the boss in the chest.

I caught him off guard, and he stumbled, landing hard on the floor. The look on his face... it was strange. It was as though he truly had not expected me to do it, and at the same time, as though he had only just noticed I was in the room at all. Perhaps it was akin to awakening from a nightmare. Reality bites.

"You go for her again, and I'll call the police," I said evenly, though I was breathing fast and my heart still racing.

For a moment, the boss stared at me, incredulously. Then his head fell back and he began to laugh a low, humourless laugh. My forehead knitted together in puzzlement. What on earth was he playing at?

"Very well then, Sasuke-kun," he challenged. "Do it. Call them. What do you think you will accomplish?"

"A night in the cells, maybe?" I bit back. "It'd be a good thing. Maybe flip the psycho switch back to normal and all that?"

"And what do you think that would accomplish?" the boss said, with a surety that made my blood run cold. Then he rose to his feet, dusted himself down, and said, "This is not Konoha, Sasuke-kun. Do you really think the Otogakure police force would bat an eyelid at news of one of my minor misdemeanours?"

"They should," I said, squaring my shoulders. "No matter how much you like to believe it, you are not above the law."

The boss smiled a horrible smile.

"But I am, Sasuke-kun," he retorted, with a mad glint in his eye. "That is the beauty of it. How do you think I am able to conduct the research that has earned this company international renown? I would certainly not be able to do it in Konoha, would I?"

"You have the Daimyo eating out of your hand," I said, in a moment of numb realisation.

"Precisely!" the boss hissed, his eyes flashing. "I am the richest and most powerful man in Otogakure! I call the shots! I have single-handedly made this country a powerhouse for scientific research. Trade and tourism have skyrocketed. Intelligent, young graduates from universities around the world fight tooth-and-nail to work for me and for all the other little laboratories that have since sprung up around us. I have made this country powerful! Of course, the politicians know this – from the Daimyo himself down to the meanest local councillor – and they wish to pay me the respect I am due."

"So they've told the police to turn a blind eye to everything you do here?"

"Yes."

"That's not fair."

"The world is not fair, Sasuke-kun. It is hell clad in a fair semblance of paradise. And, as I have already pointed out to you: this is not Konoha. This is Otogakure. I am Otogakure."

It took a while for his words to sink in. The injustice of it all had me reeling. In the back of my mind, I was already aware of the dirty-dealing that went on. Hell, I had attended some of the meetings – and with Karin, too. I know what the boss and Kabuto do down in the labs isn't always on the right side of legal, but I pushed those niggling doubts to the back of my mind, because good things came out of them in the end, didn't they? I remember during one particular meeting the boss was whispering poison in the Daimyo's ear so he could get a law changed or re-worded to suit his designs. At the time, I was thrilled, because I loved it when the boss was being devious and enterprising. Now, I see it for what it truly is. Bribery and corruption: plain and simple.

You don't care much when it's being used on other people. You never think it'd ever happen to you. But when it does... it is the worst feeling. You rail and scream bloody injustice – but no one pays heed to your impotent cries. Why? Because a man has money and power and has made it so.

Because my significant other has money and power and has made it so.

"Okay..." I began, my voice cracking. "Then what are you going to do? Beat the crap out of your Marketing manager? I don't think everyone'll be too impressed when she turns up at work tomorrow morning. If she turns up at work tomorrow morning."

"Oh, I'll tell you what I'm going to do," the boss said softly, leaning forward and adding, "I'm going to talk to you. Alone."

Whipping round like a cobra, he turned once again on Karin.

"I will deal with you later," he snarled. "Now get out!"

Sniffing and tearful, Karin hesitated briefly, looking at me with wide eyes. It was obvious she didn't want to leave me alone with the boss. I felt a flash of impatience. For god's sake, she was only digging herself a bigger hole!

"Karin, just go," I said quietly but firmly. "I'll be okay."

This small gesture of mutual concern only served to set the boss off.

"GET OUT!!" he roared, his hands flailing wildly in the air.

With a whimper of fear, Karin turned and ran, flinging the door open wide to the wall. I could hear her heels clacking all the way down the corridor.

We were alone.

For a moment, the boss and I stood there looking at each other, neither of us knowing where to begin, before the boss's lip curled and he swept behind my desk and took my seat. Once sat, his head fell into his hands, a curtain of long black hair obscuring his face. Then, without moving, he spoke, his voice slightly muffled.

"How long, Sasuke-kun?"

"Just over two months," I replied tonelessly. "At the Product of the Year awards."

The boss's breath hitched.

"Where?" he asked, with a touch more venom, still not looking at me.

"Don't worry. It wasn't in our bed, if that's what you're thinking. It was in Karin's."

I felt a thrill of victory as I saw the boss's hands clench into fists, gripping bunches of his beautiful, black hair.

"When?" he demanded.

I dropped the bomb.

"Round about the time you were in the suite next door fucking Kimimaro."

Suddenly, the boss's head snapped up. He was wearing a carefully guarded expression, his hands still bunched into fists in his hair. Then he said something that made me lose it completely.

"Don't be ridiculous, Sasuke-kun," he said, as though chastising Kylie for some childish misdeed. "You stupid boy. Whatever made you think that? Whoever told you that is obviously intent on poisoning you against me. I would never do that. Not to you, Sasuke-kun."

Lies...

Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies! Lies upon lies upon more goddamned lies! The boss's sheer audacity stunned me into a momentary silence, during which I felt all the nasty, dirty, hurtful feelings bubbling up inside, making my head feel hot. I could contain them no longer. I snapped.

"DON'T YOU DARE DENY IT!" I screamed suddenly, ferociously. I must have looked like I was actually losing my mind. Heaven knows it felt like it. "DON'T YOU DARE, OROCHIMARU-SAMA! YOU LEFT THE GODDAMNED DOOR OPEN, YOU IDIOT SHIT, AND I HEARD YOU BITCHING TO HIM ABOUT ME. I SAW YOU KISS HIM, OROCHIMARU-SAMA – AND IT WAS _YOU_ WHO KISSED HIM, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND! I SAW YOU CRAWLING ON TOP OF HIM AND I COULDN'T WATCH AND I SPENT THE NEXT HOUR AND A HALF CRYING AND THROWING UP IN THE BATHROOM BECAUSE OF _YOU_!!

SO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME I'M STUPID, OR THAT I'M SEEING THINGS, OR THAT SOME IMAGINARY RANDOM IS SPREADING RUMOURS. I SAW YOU, OROCHIMARU-SAMA. WITH... MY... OWN... EYES!!"

By the time I had vented my spleen, the boss looked as though he was the one who had been slapped across the face. He was silent. I could hardly believe it. He really hadn't the faintest clue. I laughed a bitter laugh and ran a hand through my hair, attempting to recover a shred of composure. I went on.

"I was so angry," I said, my voice thick with emotion. "I was so angry I wanted to murder you. You betrayed me, Orochimaru-sama – and I wanted to get back at you for what you did to me. So I called Karin.

Now, I don't know if you knew, but here's a newsflash: she's madly in love with me. You're not the only one with looks and a bit of charm. You're not the only one with people who'll jump when you click your fingers. She was only too willing to put her job on the line when I came knocking at her door wanting a revenge fuck to get back at you. And it worked like a charm, didn't it, Orochimaru-sama! I mean look at you! What a reaction! I couldn't have imagined anything more spectacularly possessive – and that's saying something, since it's you we're talking about..."

The boss continued to stare at me, his expression inscrutable. I went on.

"You know what the worst thing was, though?" I asked, the aching feeling blossoming in my chest again. "The worst thing about it was that I knew _exactly_ where you were going at night. You'd make up your lies – and I knew they were lies – and I'd smile and tell you to hurry back. But do you know what, Orochimaru-sama? I didn't want you to hurry back. Because I knew that when you came home you'd find me and slime your way into our bed. Every word you said to me, every touch made me want to gag.

"But do you know what else?" I said, mirroring the boss's nasty smile and throwing it right back at him. "It wasn't just Karin."

The boss's eyes widened ever-so-slightly.

"You know when you ran off that first Christmas because I shouted at you for talking to Kimimaro behind my back? — and there's yet another thing you've lied to me about. What happened to being content not to see or speak to him ever again, huh? Personally, I think you've gone far beyond seeing and speaking, or maybe lexical and semantic rules don't apply to you either? But I'm straying from my point, and you'd better listen to it, Orochimaru-sama, because I've wanted to tell you this for so long. Every argument we've ever had, I've wanted to throw this in there – but I'm glad I kept it back. I'm glad I saved it until now, because this is just fantastic.

I kissed Sakura, Orochimaru-sama. I kissed her on a bench outside your house, and we were there for quite some time. I must admit I didn't particularly enjoy it, but I needed it – having been emotionally ham-strung by you not long prior. Ha, I think there's something of a pattern emerging here, don't you think...?"

I took another deep breath and sighed. It was heartfelt and seemed to come from the very core of my being. Something inside me then just broke, and all the anger seemed to evaporate in an instant.

"Orochimaru-sama, please... I can't take this anymore. If you have any feelings left for me, any whatsoever... I mean... If you're going to fire me, fire me. Or at least transfer me to another branch. I'm begging you..."

I trailed off, the energy my righteous indignation afforded me having fizzled out. The boss sat there behind my desk, his head tilted to one side, looking at me funny. He didn't blink. Not once. It unnerved me a little.

All of a sudden, he smiled wryly and said, "Oh no, Sasuke-kun. You are not going anywhere—"

And before I knew it, he was kneeling atop my desk, leaping upon it with almost feline grace. His pale hands shot out, and I gasped as I felt his fingers threading tightly through my hair. He jerked me towards him, so our faces were but inches from touching, and it was then I noticed the manic glint in his eyes.

"If you think I am going to let you go after what you've done, Sasuke-kun, then you are labouring under a delusion. Despite your transgressions, I am feeling charitable; therefore, I will do you a service and dispel it."

Then he leaned forward and whispered to me, so close his hot breath tickled my ear and made all the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

"You are mine, Sasuke-kun. You sealed your fate when you accepted my invitation to work for Otogakure-Enterprises. I wanted you right from the beginning. I wanted you, and I won you. Having won you, my beautiful Sasuke-kun, I have since become unnaturally attached to you. So if you think I will accept your resignation or let you walk out of the door, you are _very_ much mistaken..."

Suddenly, the boss swung his legs around and forced me to press up against him. A wave of fear and revulsion swept through me. Instinctively, my hands rose to push him away, but his fingers were tight-knit into my hair and it hurt like hell when I tried to pull back. It felt like my scalp was on fire. The boss had pressed his forehead against mine and he was grinning like a man possessed. I really thought he had gone mad or something. It was scary.

"I am possessive, you are right, Sasuke-kun," he breathed. "I am also very, _very_ jealous. The thought of you with another, frankly, makes me want to do something awfully stupid. You see, as far as I am concerned, you belong to me – and no other. I cannot let this happen again. You are mine, Uchiha Sasuke. _Mine!_ And if you do not understand that, then I will simply have to make you—"

The boss forced his lips against mine, extracting from me a brutally passionate, unwilling kiss, an action that caused every nerve in my body to protest against his intrusion. Before I knew it, I was panicking, and my hands flew up to his, still gripping my hair, and I clawed at them, trying desperately to make him let go. He didn't, and I almost stumbled when he pushed himself off the desk and forced me hard against the filing cabinet, sending a pile of CD cases clattering to the floor.

There was only one thought going through my mind at that moment, and it rang loud and clear. I did not like it one bit. All I knew was that to make sure the thought did not become reality, I had to get away from the boss.

With a burst of strength, I managed to reach up and grab one of his wrists, and I slammed it repeatedly against the filing cabinet, even though every time I did it ripped my hair out. The boss hissed in pain and finally let go. As soon as I felt him relinquish his grip, I shoved him hard in the chest and he went sprawling again, sliding across all the loose paperwork and office debris scattered over the floor.

I ran.

Just as I reached the door, I heard him call out to me, in a mocking tone.

"I will see you tomorrow, Sasuke-kun. Bright and early."

I did not look back. I sprinted out of HQ and flew back to the compound, driven by demons of panic and dread, spurring me on past exhaustion as my feet pounded the pavement. And it really was panic. I was almost on the verge of hysteria. I could feel that tight, uncomfortable feeling in my chest and my head felt hot and prickly. Trying to think in such a state was difficult, but I knew right away I had to tell someone, because there was no way in hell I would be going to bed with the boss. No way in hell. The police, obviously, wouldn't do anything about it. The boss had already made that abundantly clear. There were, however, others who would be more than willing to protect me.

I found Naruto, Jiraiya, Kiku and Kabuto sitting in the dining room, playing poker. They looked up when I entered, all smiles, as I threw the door open with a bang. At the sight of me, their smiles faltered. I must've looked like I'd just run a marathon – or been mugged – with my hair a complete wreck and my shirt undone and my shoes missing.

"Dude..." Naruto ventured cautiously, "... are you okay?"

"No... No, not really."

"Do you want to sit down?" Kabuto said, pulling out a chair.

"No! N-No, it's okay," I replied, waving a hand in dismissal. "I just... I mean, I... Guys, there's something I have to tell you, and I have to tell you right now because it's serious."

The atmosphere in the room changed instantly, their expressions all a mirror of wary concern.

"What's up, Uchiha?" Jiraiya said gravely, tossing his hand onto the table. "Go on, spill it."

Dying a little inside, I forced myself to tell them. It took everything I had. Holding my head up high, a pathetic shadow of Uchihan pride, I spoke.

"The boss has been sleeping with Kimimaro behind my back," I said, my voice wavering. "Ever since the Product of the Year awards. I found out, and I've been sleeping with Karin to get back at him. He caught us in my office. H-He went berserk – and I don't know what's going to happen!"

The last part came out in a rush, as the freakout that had been threatening finally overtook me, and I sank to the floor, staring into space. I only vaguely recalled the general noises of outrage. I do remember hearing a grating squawk as Naruto pushed his chair back. He started shouting, "WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? I'M GONNA KILL HIM! I'M GONNA KICK HIS ASS!" while Kiku pulled and hauled at him, trying to calm him down. Kabuto was asking me if I was alright, while Jiraiya stood up, shrugged on his red overcoat and headed straight for the door. I remember cracking then, and I screamed and grabbed his ankle, begging him not to bring the boss back. He crouched down in front of me and spoke kindly but frankly.

"Don't worry, kid," he began. "I'm not gonna bring him back here so he can cause mayhem. I just wanna talk to him, okay?"

Miserable, I nodded. Then Jiraiya smiled and gave me a gentle punch on the shoulder, before talking to the others above my head as though I were mental myself and needed to be handled with care.

"Look after him," he murmured to the rest, "and don't let him out of your sight. If I don't find Oro and he gets back here first, you stay with Sasuke no matter what happens, you hear—?"

Jiraiya's words died in his throat as the boss appeared in the doorway. At the sight of him, butterflies began to flutter in my stomach, making me feel sick. The boss briefly surveyed the scene. Sensing tension, he did not come in, but instead smiled an odd, tight smile and asked for Kabuto. He was sweating a little, and his voice was taut, despite projecting a studied air of unconcern.

Obediently, Kabuto bowed and followed him out the room. So, too, did Jiraiya. When he was gone, I breathed a long sigh of relief. Naruto jogged over, slinging my arm around his neck and hauled me up, with Kiku following. We found our way upstairs to Naruto's room, where I eventually told them everything that had happened since the Product of the Year awards (the whole, sordid tale, with the exception of the boss's psychotic turn in my office. I wasn't ready to talk to anyone about that yet.)

When I had finished my story, I felt exhausted – utterly drained – and I fell back on the bed and let Kiku and Naruto's righteous anger wash over me. They railed against the boss (how could he treat me like that?), against Kimimaro ("Home-wrecking piece of shit! I'm gonna kick his ass!") and expressed worry over what would happen to Karin ("Oh my god, she was like, totally my friend when I was PA. I really hope she's okay. God, Naruto, I hope she's okay!") I let it wash over me, their voices and their company keeping my sanity in check. My head was aching where the boss had practically torn out lumps of my hair, and my back hurt from when he'd slammed me into the filing cabinet. All I could do was pray the pain would go away, because it reminded me of the boss's ominous words and the terrifying, mad glint in his eye.

I was so wound up, I jumped when Jiraiya knocked at the door. He came in and sat down on the beanbag chair and looked at me levelly.

"Okay, I've talked to Oro," he said gravely. "Kid, I don't know what you've done to him, but you've flipped him. I'd watch yourself if I were you. You and me both know how ugly he can get when he's riled. I know you've had loads of arguments, but trust me, this'll be your first time on the receiving end. I hope you can take it."

He paused for a moment, lost in thought, before adding, "Also, turns out he's got a broken wrist. Kabuto took him down to the labs and X-rayed him and drove him to the hospital. Did you have anything to do with that?"

I started gabbling.

"Jiraiya, I- I swear I didn't mean it! He just sort of grabbed me and he wouldn't let go and I _had_ to—"

My mouth snapped shut when Jiraiya held up a hand, silencing me.

"It's cool, kid," he said. "You don't have to tell me anything else. That's all I need to know."

Then he rose with difficulty from the beanbag chair (they're comfortable, but I'll be damned if anyone can get out of one of them without grunting and groaning and acting like you're forty years older than you actually are). Heading for the door, he gave me a few last pieces of advice.

"If I were you, kid, I'd work on getting yourself fired. And I also suggest you stay here tonight. That okay, Naruto?"

Naruto nodded, his eyes aflame with purpose.

"Right then. You coming, babe?"

"Yeah, sure," Kiku said, strangely subdued, taking Jiraiya's hand and following him out into the corridor.

For a while longer, Naruto and I stayed up talking. I say "Naruto and I" when it was actually mostly Naruto. I was still a little numb and didn't much feel like making conversation. Early on, I had to fight hard to convince him not to go looking for the boss, since he expressed a strong desire to "break his other wrist" but he eventually calmed down to a dull roar, and he said he just couldn't believe what had happened. I reminded Naruto that it was partly my fault, but he wouldn't hear of it. The boss had driven me to it, he said, and he deserved everything he got. Naruto also said that if it came down to it, he'd kidnap me and take me back to Konoha – to hell with corrupt Otogakure cops. Konoha, he said, would defend me. I became a bit watery-eyed at that point and gave Naruto a manly, one-armed hug as expression of my gratitude.

Have I ever said how much I love Naruto? I know I've said it before in the past, but this is definitely one of those times where it needs to be said. I'm really lucky to have him as a friend. More than anything right now, I can cling onto that, if nothing else.

It's late, and Naruto has fallen asleep in his blue cotton pyjamas and frog nightcap, slumped across the bottom of the bed. His mouth is open, and he's drooling and snoring loudly. Normally, this would drive me mad, but tonight... it's kind of reassuring. Jiraiya popped his head round the door before he went to bed to inform me that the boss was asleep, doped up on painkillers, and that he wouldn't be bothering me. I guess that's a good thing?

Despite all the scary shit that went down, I feel awful about breaking his wrist. Maybe I panicked in the heat of the moment. We've been seeing each other for almost three years, and never once has he forced me to do something against my will...

I don't think I'll get much sleep tonight.

October 2nd

I am so angry and tired and fucking sick of it all right now.

But I have a plan and friends around me to keep me going. There is hope. All is not lost.

Almost inevitably, you might say, I called in sick to work this morning. After last night, I don't feel I need to explain why. But you'd think, what with a freshly broken wrist and all, that the boss would have behaved like a normal human being and stayed in bed. Of course he didn't stay in bed. I was informed by Jiraiya that he was up at six, got dressed in his finest, ate nothing at all for breakfast and left for work without a word to anyone. Fine, I thought. Since he was out of the house, I decided I wanted to stay in. Anything to not have to see or speak to him.

At quarter to nine, I rolled over and picked up the house phone on Naruto's bedside cabinet and called Suigetsu to let him know I wouldn't be coming in because I wasn't feeling well. He said, "No sweat, Sasuke! I'll see ya when you get back, yeah?" I said bye and then I hung up. About an hour later, Kabuto came knocking on the door. Naruto answered and his expression brightened when he saw him.

"Heyyyy, Kabuto! What's up?"

Kabuto, however, did not look happy. He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, saying, "Naruto, I need to borrow Sasuke for a minute."

"What's wrong?" I said, sitting up in bed, suddenly alert.

"Orochimaru-sama has called a general meeting. All the higher-ups are to attend – and that means you. He... wasn't best pleased when Suigetsu told him you had called in sick, and he sent me over here to fetch you directly."

"Over my dead body," I said fiercely. "Kabuto, there's no way in hell I'm going to his stupid meeting!

Again, Kabuto sighed. "He figured you'd say that. That's why he told me that either you come with me, now, or he'll come and get you himself."

Ignoring Naruto's outraged protests, insisting that I'd be fine, that I'd go to the stupid meeting and that I'd be back as soon as possible, I headed for the office with Kabuto leading the way. I did not relish the thought of the boss turning up to drag me, kicking and screaming, into work. He has humiliated me in front of everyone else before, and I did not want our dirty laundry aired in public a second time.

The closer we got to the meeting room, the more my nerves intensified. It was a weird feeling, trailing behind Kabuto like that, as though he were an executioner leading me to the gallows. I have watched a fair few historical dramas in my time (mostly because Sakura forced Naruto and I to watch them when we were flat-sharing) and in just over half of those, there was always some poor wretch who was condemned to death for some insignificant misdemeanour. Nine times out of ten, they would represent the epitome of dignity: calm and proud before the end. Sometimes, they would even give a stirring, pre-execution speech that would guarantee not a dry eye in the house. On the odd occasion, they really do not want to die, and weep quietly on their knees as the sword swings from behind, ending it all.

Personally? I wasn't really sure how I felt. I was fairly certain the boss would not be armed with a bloody katana or anything of the sort. However, unlike the unfortunate souls in Sakura's period dramas, I had no idea what was coming. There is a certain comfort in knowing what is ahead, that you can do nothing to stop it and will have to face what is ahead with your head held high. I had no such comfort. All I knew was that the boss most likely wouldn't be armed and that his summons did not bode well.

Before long, we reached the boss's office. Kin was hovering around outside, agitated, and she darted inside when she spotted Kabuto and I approach – probably to inform the boss I had arrived. A moment later, she was back.

"Orochimaru-sama is waiting for you," she said, bowing.

This uncharacteristic deference made my nerves jangle, and I took a deep breath and stepped inside. The boss was, indeed, waiting for me. He sat at the head of the table, dressed in a dark purple kimono – one that I like, and one that the boss uses when he wants to intimidate because it brings out his eyes. He had obviously got some underlings to arrange his hair, for it was not left long and free as is his workaday custom, but was extravagantly styled, pinned up and fixed in place with pins and combs. With a brief squeeze of guilt, I also noted the cast he sported on his wrist and that a livid-looking bruise had taken up residence all across what little skin I could see on his left hand. I was shocked. Had I done that to him?

As I stood, calm before the inevitable storm, Kin and Kabuto took their seats. Suigetsu, Gen'yumaru and Amachi were there too – as was Kimimaro. He was observing me from the far end of the room; warily, as though he aware something awful had happened and he wanted to blame me for it, but wasn't yet sure what that something was. I wondered whether he knew that I was the one who had sent the boss to hospital with a broken wrist? I doubt it. If he had, he would probably have went for me as soon as I stepped through the door.

There was one addition, in particular, that did unsettle me. Juugo was there. His presence, hunched over and staring fixedly into his cup of coffee, made the whole thing seem surreal. Oh god, I thought, this really is serious, this is it. In that moment, I truly believed I was going to be fired in front of everyone. Then I noticed whose seat Juugo was sitting in.

"Where's Karin...?"

I could hear the hesitancy and the apprehension in my own voice. I asked, but I did not want to hear the answer – not from the boss, anyway. I cast my glance around the table, but everyone else was too busy avoiding my eye or fidgeting. My heart started fluttering. Obviously, they knew something I didn't, and the only person I would be getting any information from would be the one person I would have given anything to have been ten thousand miles away from.

"Orochimaru-sama," I repeated, addressing him directly, "where's Karin?"

The boss regarded me for a prolonged moment with an expression unfathomable. Then a wry smile turned a corner of his mouth and he let me have it.

"Karin has been transferred, Sasuke-kun, to the South Base, with immediate effect. Her travelling privileges have been revoked, therefore, her subordinates will shortly follow her."

I was stunned.

For a moment, I could do nothing but gape openly at the boss, astounded that he would go to such lengths to punish me. He was moving the _entire_ Sales and Marketing department to the South Base because I had wounded his pride and he wished to even the score. I looked round at the others. Not one of them would meet my eye.

"Did you know about this?" I said, addressing the room at large.

When no one was brave enough to speak out, Kabuto, as usual, stepped up to fill the void.

"Orochimaru-sama informed us this morning of his decision. It was not a matter for discussion. We could do nothing to change it."

"I see..."

"I'm sorry."

I smiled and shrugged my shoulders.

"Don't be sorry, Kabuto," I said, while directing a meaningful look at the boss. "We can always drive over to see her. The South Base isn't far. And there's the phone, texts, emails, IMs – lots of stuff like that. We can still talk to her, right?"

The boss smiled another twisted smile. He was prepared for my defiance, and in response, turned the screw that bit tighter.

"No, Sasuke-kun," he said simply. "You cannot."

"What?"

"Your travelling privileges are hereby revoked, with immediate effect. You will not leave the compound without my personal, prior written permission. If you do, this will constitute a breach of contract and I will be free to discipline you as I see fit. This is not a breach of your human rights, as this is Otogakure, not Konoha..."

He went on, and with every word, my fists clenched tighter until I could feel my nails digging in.

"... and your communication privileges are also suspended – provisionally, of course. You may not communicate with Karin in any way. If you make the attempt, I will know, for I am having her correspondences monitored. If you continued to make the attempt, despite my warning, this will constitute a breach of contract and I will be free to discipline you as I see fit. This is not a breach of your human rights, for, as you know only too well by now Sasuke-kun, this is Otogakure, not Konoha."

In one fell swoop, he had me trapped. It was true. The contract I signed when I came to work for Otogakure Enterprises included clauses that stated, due to the nature of the work carried out by the company, terms and conditions of my employment could change without notice. I did not think this would be an issue, since I was on the admin side, and, I was told, that stuff applied more to the lab rats, who were in daily contact with some pretty dangerous stuff. Still, I had to sign. I also had to sign under accordance with the Official Secrets Act, which forbids me from disclosing any information about the company's inner workings. This one definitely applied to me – and to Karin – since we have both helped hawk Otogakure Enterprises' more suspect wares to various powerful men in variously powerful countries.

I was so desperate to get out of Konoha that I signed without thinking of the consequences. Then, and now, I dearly wished I hadn't. I was effectively caged. Doomed to rattle impotently against the bars of my prison until Orochimaru-sama deemed it fit to release me – whenever that might be.

I was so angry it was difficult to even form a coherent sentence.

"You..." I began, still labouring under a haze of disbelief. "You're transferring the whole Sales and Marketing department just because... because Karin and I pissed you off?"

I wanted to defend myself, but I'd be damned if I was going to confess all in front of the other higher-ups. If they guessed, that was fine. Nothing I could do about that. As far as I was concerned, though, this was a matter between the boss and myself, and I hated that he had forced me to come and address him formally about a personal matter across a boardroom in front of my colleagues.

"Well done, Sasuke-kun!" he mocked, clapping his hands. "It has finally penetrated!"

"I cannot believe you're resorting to this," I stated. "This is going to cost the company... how much? I bet you've already got Juugo working on the figures. Well, I can tell you this much: it's not going to be a pretty sum. Hell, you'll probably transfer him too when he comes back and hits you with something you don't like! Now, I don't know what's happened to your work/life balance, but I suggest from now on that you keep your work the hell away from your private life if you're this willing to fuck one up for the sake of the other!"

"Oh, Sasuke-kun," the boss exclaimed, pouting. "You wound me. Truly you wound me, for I thought you would have known me well enough by now to realise that for me, there is no distinction between my work and my private life. My work is my life. My life is my work. They form a beautiful, symbiotic relationship. That is, of course, the biological habit of two dissimilar organisms living together and striking up a dependant relationship from which both mutually benefit."

I felt my lip curl.

"This isn't a lecture, Orochimaru-sama. I know what symbiotic means, you smug prick, and what you've got going on isn't! You're screwing up the company to get back at me. How you see that as mutually beneficial, I have absolutely no idea, but if you want to go ahead with it, then that's fine. Just give me a heads up before the company folds and I'll send out my CVs in advance..."

I picked up my suit jacket from where I'd draped it over the back of a chair, slung it over my shoulder, and headed for the door. When I got there, I turned and added, "Actually, this might be the best idea you've had for ages, Orochimaru-sama. If the company folds, I'll finally be able to see the back of you, you scary, fucked up, manipulative, controlling psychopath."

With that, I walked out, slamming the door behind me. Inside, I heard Kimimaro's voice rise in anguish, asking what was going on, and I felt a surge of malicious pleasure as I heard the boss snarl at him and tell him to shut up. The feeling was fleeting, though, as by the time I got back to the compound, I was furious. Dumping my bag at the front door for someone to pick up, I stomped through to the TV room, vaulted onto the couch and started punching one of the big cushions, imagining it was the boss's face. I was shouting and swearing and coming up with all sorts of colourful insults, so it was only a matter of time before someone walked past and heard me. That person happened to be Naruto, who had wandered downstairs to the kitchen to get some coffee. Clearly relieved to see me alive and with all limbs intact, he asked what happened at the meeting. I told him.

"Dude," he said. "Come up to the office. Jiraiya's there too. We've gotta come up with a plan to get you fired."

And that's what we're doing right now. Four of us (plus Kylie) are sitting here in Jiraiya and Naruto's office (really, a disused room in the west wing that has been converted for the purpose) and imagining what it would take for the boss to lose interest in me.

I never thought I'd be able to say this so soon after this morning, but really, I'm kind of having fun. It's been a brilliantly entertaining distraction, and I have laughed rather a lot. Kiku has just got back from taking Kylie out for a walk in her pram, and when she heard what happened to Karin, she was uncharacteristically morose. However, when our list of ways to help me get fired was revealed, she came alive again with purpose and has been putting forward many hilarious suggestions while bouncing Kylie on her lap.

I have also come up with an avoidance tactic for today. This involves staying here in Jiraya's office for the rest of the afternoon, distracting him from his work and finishing off my get fired plan. Then I shall be heading along to Naruto's room, in which I will take my evening meal and in which I will stay for the rest of the night.

The boss might have the upper hand here, but I'll be damned if I'm going to go down quietly...

LATER:

Here, for your delectation, is the finished plan.

The Official Plan to Get Sasuke Fired and Save Him From that Butt-Head Oro

suggestions by Naruto, Sasuke, Jiraiya, Kiku and Kabuto

1. Piss him off by cutting the tips off all his condoms and pouring all his lube down the sink. [Definite!]

2. Play music he hates at loud volumes and dance around in an irritating manner. [Don't know if this'll annoy him enough. I shall have to choose my song carefully, though I may have one in mind...]

3. Invite Madara over without asking [Never, never, never in a million years.]

4. Slash up his good kimono with scissors [Not sure. I like them too, so it would seem like sacrilege to me.]

5. Have a STI test at the genital-urinary clinic and publicly announce the results at a meeting. [I would absolutely love to do this, but I have a sneaking suspicion I'd be as well committing suicide.]

6. Talk loudly and at length about all the people I think are hot on TV [Definite!]

7. Constant presence of the obnoxious, uncouth, loud-mouthed, manbot friend (aka Naruto) to irritate and serve as a foil for the boss [Already arranged, as Naruto has gladly agreed to step up to the mark.]

8. Get fat [It is regrettable, but no sacrifice is too great. Besides, this one might actually work...]

9. Join the Straight-Edge Club [With my track record, I'm not sure if they'd even let me join.]

10. Fake my own death [If nothing else works.]

11. Tell Itachi [The Last Resort.]

Naruto and I have decided to carry out step one of the plan tomorrow night. I shall report back and let you know whether I have been fired or not.

October 4th

Step of plan executed: step one (condom shredding)

Effect on the boss: mild irritation

Status: not yet fired

Details of execution:

During yesterday's lunch break, I sneaked back to the compound to meet Naruto at exactly thirteen-hundred hours in the main stairwell as planned. Armed with scissors, together, we stealthily crept up to the boss's bedroom. I fished out every pack of condoms I could find and gathered together all the loose ones, as well as every curled-up, half-finished tube of lube I spotted lying around. We spent an hour and a half chortling and shushing each other as we cut the tip off of every single damned one, before taking the lube through to the sink in the en-suite and pouring the whole lot down the drain.

Just we were about to leave, however, Naruto had a stroke of genius. This involved tears of laughter as we spent another ten minutes carefully spelling out the message "SURPRISE, BUTTHEAD!" on the bed with over fifty droopy, vandalised condoms.

Details of outcome:

The boss barged into Naruto's room at ten to nine later that night with his duvet bundled up like a hobo-pack in his good hand. Naruto and I were playing Final Fantasy X (for the millionth time) and he stepped forward and pulled the plug out of the socket, undoing all our hard work. Confronted with our outraged faces (we hadn't saved for ages), he smiled nastily and said, "Nice try, Sasuke-kun."

Then he spun the duvet round and flicked it out like a towel.

The bastard had obviously spent quite a lot of time cutting the condoms up into much, much smaller pieces, so when the duvet snapped out straight, all the little latex fragments were sent a-whirl into the air, falling down on us like rain. The boss smirked and stalked out, slamming the door behind him. It took us forty-five minutes to pick all the damned bits up, and now Naruto's room smells strongly of condoms.

Peer approval rating:

Jiraiya found the whole situation hilarious and demanded Naruto send him the photo he took of the abusive condom-message we left on the boss's bed. The photo is now installed on his Flickr account, taking pride of place on his front page along with the photos of his girlfriend and his baby daughter.

October 10th

Step of plan executed: step three (constantly played annoying song)

Effect on the boss: moderate irritation

Status: not yet fired

Details of execution:

Due to the boss developing the rather unnerving habit of turning up at my office unannounced to speak to me for trivial reasons that would best be dealt with via email, I had to develop a countermeasure in turn to ensure this behaviour was corrected.

Each time the boss appears at my office, I have taken to playing "Liar" by Rollins Band at an inconsiderately loud volume, and I stare at him stonily and ignore him until he snaps and storms off in a bad mood.

Details of outcome:

The boss has now stopped coming to my office unannounced. Success!

Peer approval rating:

High. For although no one at work knows why I am playing it, the song has experienced a sudden resurgence of popularity at Otogakure Enterprises. This is because I accidentally played it at Suigetsu, having mistakenly believed he was the boss coming to annoy me again. As soon as he heard the scathing chorus, he yelled, "Whoa, man! I fucking love this song! Haven't heard it for ages!" Naturally, he went straight back to Human Resources, downloaded it and put it on the department radio shuffle. Now everyone is playing it, and the boss cannot get away from it. Ha!

October 14th

Step of plan executed: step six (hot people on TV)

Effect on the boss: absolutely no irritation at all on my part; quite the opposite, in fact. Jiraiya was the one who managed to irritate him the next morning. Yes, I am ashamed of this state of affairs.

Status: resolutely not fired, the way things are going...

Details of execution:

This step was not so much a step forward as ten steps back. Naruto, you see, had to leave for an overnight in Konoha in order to attend a morning meeting with Jiraiya. Presented with an opportunity to visit her father and sister, Kiku decided to tag along and bring Kylie with her. Before Naruto left, he insisted that if the boss "tried anything funny" I'd to ring him and he'd be straight over on the first flight. I said that, really, it wasn't necessary and that I'd just try to avoid him and wait it out until everyone got back. And besides, I had Kabuto, so things would be okay. Right?

Obviously, matters did not work out according to my design. This was because Kabuto had, at the last minute, decided to hole himself up in the labs along with a small cadre of his fellow lab rats and two crates of cup ramen because he was waiting on the results of some very important experiment that seemed to mean quite a lot to him. Therefore, I was left completely unsupervised and without guidance. This was not a good thing.

Since the boss doesn't normally watch TV unless I'm around to force him, I decided the safest way to deal with my evening meal would be to order a pizza and eat it in the TV room. Oh how I ground my teeth and clenched my fists when the boss poked his head round the door and announced that he would be joining me. In came the small army of underlings, defiling the slovenly sanctity of the TV room by setting up a low table for the boss to sit at, placing upon it lots of painstakingly prepared dishes in pretty bowls at which the boss would pick at his leisure. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he smiled carelessly and replied,

"I am no longer used to eating alone, Sasuke-kun, and have found I do not care for it in the least. I know that if I had asked you to join me, you would have become characteristically belligerent. Therefore, I have resolved to join you and your disgusting, greasy pizza – whether you like it or not."

"Whatever," I said, reaching for the remote and flipping it to the Mikatsuhikata Music channel. "Just don't talk to me. And FYI, Orochimaru-sama, it's spicy chicken with tomato and red and green peppers. This is what normal people eat. Normal people – unlike you."

So we sat for an indeterminate length of time and watched music videos in am odd, resolute sort of silence. During said period of silence, I suddenly realised I had been gifted with an ample opportunity to execute step six of my plan to get myself fired: talk loudly and at length about all the people I consider hot on TV. This led me to commit my first big mistake. I started talking to him.

As I began to pronounce my opinion on the various nubile, feminine forms writhing around the screen on various rap videos ("I'd do her. Wouldn't do her. Do her. Do her. Eww... hell no. Do her. Do her. Take some of your make-up off and we'll talk...") the boss appeared to show an inordinate amount of interest in my judgements. This resulted in him critiquing my opinions and quizzing me on my choices. This was not how it was supposed to go.

"I agree with you on that young woman with the blonde hair, as she is clearly a natural blonde and possesses naturally pretty, regular features. However, I am disappointed with your choice in the other blonde. She is wearing far too much make-up and it is all too apparent she has resorted to plastic surgery in order to gain those hideously overlarge breasts..."

Before I knew it, he was sitting cross-legged on the couch beside me, and we were slipping back into our old, comfortable way of bickering about the quality of whatever happened to be on television. The boss began to wax lyrical on the incredible tackiness of the rap video in general, stating that he found it disgusting and crass how they spoke constantly of money and women and cars. I said that while I agreed with him, I also felt that it was understandable for people who have had tough upbringings to want to let the world know they've succeeded, despite the odds. The boss then countered, saying that Kiku had not had a particularly luxurious upbringing and was wonderfully discreet about matters of money. In turn, I insisted that this was because Kiku did not really care about money and power and started going out with Jiraiya in the first place because she liked Jiraiya – plain and simple. I also added, rather truculently, that I did not care much for the boss's wealth and influence myself – especially when he used it against me – and that I had become involved with him not because he was rich, but because he was clever, he made me laugh and I enjoyed his company when he wasn't being a jealous psycho.

This admission caused the boss to tilt his head to one side and fix me with that funny, intent look I never know how to read. I cringed, wanting to slap myself for letting that slip out.

There followed one of those strange, loaded silences where you're not quite sure which way the situation is going to go – whether they're going to kiss you or walk out.

In the end, neither happened. The boss turned away first, saying, "I am tired of this vacuous tripe. I want to watch something else. Change the channel, Sasuke-kun."

I did.

A Family Guy double-bill was on the other side. Staying to watch it with him was another grave mistake. We both adore that show, and about half-way through, we forgot how angry we were with each other and ended up laughing ourselves silly at the episode where Lois gets taijutsu lessons. At the end, we were both in a good mood and feeling quite kindly disposed toward one another. Hence the horrible pangs of guilt every time I caught a glimpse of the boss's broken wrist and livid bruises. If I'm honest, it has been plaguing me all week, and I couldn't take it anymore. For though I resolutely _would not_ apologise for anything else I had done to him, because he deserved it, he did not deserve that.

"Orochimaru-sama...?" I began hesitantly.

In the background, an obnoxious, twenty-something, middle-class, snowboarding, man-moron shouted at us to buy Pepsi.

"Hmm?"

"I'm really, really sorry about doing that to your wrist," I said, squirming. "I didn't mean... to go that far, and—"

"Hush, Sasuke-kun," the boss said, interrupting me with a note of soft impatience. "Do not speak of it."

"But, Orochimaru-sama, I'm really sorry..."

The boss turned to face me with a look that was a perfect mixture of amusement and incredulity.

"Sasuke-kun, your defiant nature never ceases to astonish me. Even when apologising you must insist."

I opened my mouth to do just that, but the boss laid a finger on my lips.

"Hush, Sasuke-kun," he said, smiling. "I do not want to hear another word about the matter."

I sighed, shrugged and sat back to watch an old David Attenborough documentary about Galapagos tortoises. Now, I don't know when, I don't know how, but we ended up kissing on the couch. Nothing else. Just kissing. We would kiss for a while, then we would pull back and watch TV, then we would kiss again, watch more TV, and the whole process repeated itself again and again but with increasingly shorter television-watching breaks, until at one-thirty in the morning I found myself squished up against the back of the sofa, lying next to the boss, who had fallen asleep, having kissed himself out.

I knew I should have got up and left, but I didn't. I don't know why. The next thing I knew, I woke up next to him this morning, still on the couch, with a duvet draped over us by Jiraiya. The reason I knew Jiraiya had done the deed was because he had written two yellow post-its in his big, loopy hand and stuck them to the couch – one addressed to me and the other to the boss. He must have come back early for some reason. I realised with a sinking feeling it was probably because Naruto had badgered him.

The messages were short and to-the-point.

My post-it said:

"Uchiha, what are you doing?"

The boss's post-it said:

"Oro, leave the poor kid alone, he's suffered enough."

Details of outcome:

Jiraiya's post-its were like a bucket of cold water applied directly to the face upon a chilly, spring morning. They were one hell of a wake-up call. For one, it made me consider for the first time what other people (besides Itachi) thought of our relationship.

Now, I realise that I may come across as a _shade_ arrogant on the odd occasion, and that is because I possess the firmly held (and correct) belief that the opinions of others are largely irrelevant. This is almost always true, because, for the most part, the vast majority of people are not as clever as me. If a given individual happens to possess an intellect superior or equal to my own, I tend to respect their opinions highly, even though my Uchihan pride will never let me show it.

Jiraiya is one of those people I secretly respect, and the thought of him viewing me as a poor kid suffering under the crushing weight of the boss's personality... it was horrible. It hurt my pride, kicked my self-esteem right in the teeth and made me question everything that had ever happened with the boss since day one. Did everyone feel the same way?

I wanted to get away to think, so I peeled back the duvet and gingerly climbed over the boss, doing my best not to wake him. Of course, he began to stir (you couldn't wake him with a jack-hammer during the night, but he is so easily disturbed in the morning, a sneeze will make his eyes snap open.) Still warm and sleepy, he yawned and stretched, instinctively reaching for me, gracing my legs with his fingertips. Perched on the very edge of the couch, my muscles tensed at his touch. Clearly, last night's calm and content was but a momentary lapse. I felt like screaming.

Eventually, the boss woke up properly and spotted the post-its. With a frown, he plucked them from the back of the couch. His frown deepened to a scowl as he noted their contents. He turned to me, and there was no sign of sleepiness in the cold look he sent me.

"Am I so unbearable?"

The boss always enters into an argument with such dangerous, rhetorical stabs. I drew my knees into my chest and said nothing in reply. When it became clear I was not going to rise to his bait, the boss's lip curled.

"Very well, Sasuke-kun," he hissed, his eyes flashing. "Your silence betrays you. Clearly you cannot stand to be near me, since I make you _suffer_ so."

With an ugly look, the boss crushed the post-its in his fist and rose abruptly, still clothed in last night's kimono. He swept out of the room, closing the door behind him with a bang. For a while, I sat there, balanced on the arm of the couch, hugging my knees to my chest, staring into space. I wasn't really thinking about much. This was mainly due to the horrible ache in my chest resurfacing after the door slammed shut; that irritating, perennial ache that seems to represent feelings for the boss; the ache that I wish would just get the hell out of my life and leave me alone and never come back because it confuses me and makes me want to bang my head against the wall at how I can still have feelings for such a terrible bastard.

Having summoned up the motivation to drag myself upstairs to wash and dress, I trudged back downstairs to see if there was any coffee going. I sighed, realising there would be no coffee if I did not make a trip to Starbucks as I detected the distinct sounds of the boss and Jiraiya yelling at each other in the kitchen. They were obviously in full-flow, as they were making no attempt to lower their voices on the off-chance they would be overheard.

"You interfere with my relationship with Sasuke-kun again, Jiraiya, and I will make you regret it!"

"Oro, you moron! Look at the state of your wrist! That's what you call a relationship?"

"Shut up! Don't you dare presume to tell me what does and what does not constitute a relationship!"

"I think I'm qualified! I've had more success than you!"

"Don't make me laugh! You think you've cracked it because you've spawned?"

"No, Oro. I've cracked it because I met Kiku. Because we actually... y'know... _love_ each other. Because we don't cheat and fight and physically attack each other every time some stupid little thing goes wrong! If Kiku pisses me off, I talk to her about it! I don't go ringing one of my exes looking for a good time! I don't pull rank and never let her see daylight again without a note from me saying she can!"

There was a confusion of voices for a moment as the boss started arguing back, but Jiraiya turned up the volume and overrode him.

"— and even if it got real bad and we were fighting every day and we couldn't stand the sight of each other anymore — then I'd let her go! Because she'd be happier that way. Because we'd both be happier in the long run. Do you get what I'm saying?"

There was a long silence.

I don't know why I was holding my breath.

Then the boss said something that made my stomach do a sad, nervous, little flip.

"Jiraiya," he said, in a low, measured tone, "I will never let go of him. Never. I cannot. I will not. You will never persuade me otherwise. This conversation is at an end."

For the rest of the day after that, I was useless. I couldn't think straight. I was muddling my words, forgetting things, sending emails to the wrong departments, not listening to a word people were saying to me and having to ask them to repeat themselves because I was too busy freaking out about the status of my relationship, slash ex-relationship, slash what-the-hell-was-it-now-anyway-sort-of-relationship with the boss. To make matters worse, without Karin, my significant other's presence was mandatory at a meeting with the investors. We were there for three hours and he kept staring at me the whole time. I wish he would stop it.

Peer approval rating:

Low. Jiraiya has probably lost all respect for me, and Naruto was furious when he found out. Not with me, of course, but at the boss for "reeling me in like that again" and for "kissing me like that" (because apparently kissing for hours on a couch "is worse than drunk sex or some random shit like that.") I tried to tell him I hadn't exactly been "reeled", but that it was more of a spontaneous, organic occurrence that just... sort of happened. Naruto wouldn't hear of it, though, and he has somehow convinced himself that it was his fault it happened, and that the only way he can make amends is to stick to me like glue from now on. He has even asked for Jiraiya's permission to do his work in my office during the day, to which Jiraiya has consented. If I had not been party to his argument with the boss this morning, I would have found his decision rather bizarre. I suppose, though, it's Jiraiya's way of helping me out. Actually, that's not quite true. He's helping us both out. The boss and I are driving each other round the bend, and if we don't do something about it, we're going to screw ourselves up beyond repair.

October 27th

Step of plan executed: step seven (constant presence of man-bot friend)

Effect on the boss: he's cracking – this one is actually working

Status: not yet fired, but I think I'm close

Details of execution:

For almost a fortnight now, Naruto has aided me in the execution of step seven of my plan. I am beginning to think he is channelling Itachi, as my idiot best friend could most certainly give my brother a run for his money in the overprotective stakes. He guards me when I go to the bathroom in the morning, he guards me all day at the office, he guards me at dinner, he guards me during the night by putting up a chair against his room door when he knows I've finally fallen asleep – and whenever the boss comes within ten feet of me, he transforms magically into a surly, snarling, ardent defender-beast. "What the hell do you want?" "Leave Sasuke alone!" "Sasuke doesn't want to speak to you!" "Sasuke doesn't have to listen to you, you cheating scum!"

One night, the boss found me briefly alone while Naruto had gone to the bathroom. Sensing a rare opportunity, he tried to speak to me in private, only to find Naruto suddenly and resolutely standing between us, arms folded, wearing a dark scowl. The boss totally lost it then, and he actually went for Naruto and Jiraiya had to step in.

The next night, as payback, the boss brought Kimimaro back to the house. I knew this because Naruto, Kabuto and I wanted to order takeout and had to venture outside his room to find a menu for the local Indian. As I passed the dining room, I could hear the boss's voice within, conversing gaily with another. Puzzled at his change in mood, I risked a brief glance inside and caught a glimpse of Kimimaro's long, silvery hair and pale eyes, heard his wistful voice answering in laughter. Instantly, I felt a hot twist of jealousy and fought to suppress it. I felt a hand clap reassuringly on my shoulder.

"It's working, Sasuke," Naruto said grimly. "You'll just have to deal with him being here. He's trying to mess with you! Don't give up now."

I hate to say it, but Naruto is right. The plan is working. For although it hurts like hell when I see Kimimaro swanning around the house in nothing but a bathrobe (which makes it so obvious what he's been doing doing), and although I have to restrain the urge to haul off and beat Kimimaro bloody with a wrench every time he waltzes past, smirking at me with his big fat moon-face, and although I am technically living on a knife-edge as far as my sanity is concerned – the plan is working. Naruto is the ultimate cock-block. Even the boss's lunatic tenacity is withering under Naruto's will of fire.

Today, though...

Today could go either way. It is the boss's birthday, you see, and for as long as I've been with him, there has been something of a curse upon it. The first time, he got arrested when I ran away to Konoha, and the second time, we had a massive fight because he insisted it was his turn to visit Kimimaro in hospital when the skanky man-tramp was still riddled with tuberculosis. Given the history, I feel I may confidently predict that something awful will happen today. However, whether this curse is exclusive to the boss or dependant on my presence in his life is up for debate. Therefore, as I have stated, the day could go either way. On one hand, this could be the day I am finally fired, as he has been associating with Kimimaro more and more often these days, and will hopefully decide to cut his losses and get back together with the submissive pushover who will let him do anything he wants to him. On the other hand, if the curse is linked to me, I will have doubtless lost my mind by the end of the day.

I hope he doesn't come near me.

Please, please, please let him fire me...

LATER:

Sure enough, the boss has just left my office, having had his nose put out of joint once again by Naruto, my rabid guard-dog. This was a fairly rare appearance, as the boss has seen and spoken to me less and less since the night he snapped and tried to go for Naruto. As usual, he did not knock, but walked right in, heading straight for me. He was smiling, and I automatically smiled back at him before I caught myself and resumed my usual neutral expression I am now forced to wear when I'm around him.

"Sasuke-kun," he ventured, "I know we have had our differences, but would it be possible to have a moment with you in private? I crave your conversation, Sasuke-kun. Please indulge me."

Naruto was on his feet in a flash.

"Piss off, you creep!" he snarled. "Stop screwing with Sasuke's head! I dunno how you even have the nerve to speak to him after bringing that piece of crap Kimimaro back to the house! He doesn't want anything to do with you, so get lost!"

The boss turned his attention to Naruto, coldly looking down his nose at him.

"It barks and it barks and it barks," he retorted mockingly, "but does our little guard dog bite? Or, when it comes down to it, is it merely a toothless whelp?"

Naruto's fists clenched, and I could practically hear his teeth grinding. He doesn't have much experience in arguing with the boss, and isn't used to dealing with someone who can so easily get under his skin. Naruto wears his heart on his sleeve – always has done – so when he argues, it's pretty raw, and he can go from normal to rage in a heartbeat. I was surprised, therefore, at how well he managed to keep his cool in the face of the boss's subtle, smirking, snide attacks.

"It bites alright," he said, his voice wavering with emotion.

"Then let me see your teeth, little guard dog!" the boss countered, leaning forward and fixing Naruto with a manic, rictus grin. "Go on! I'm waiting...

Undaunted, Naruto snorted with derision and said, "You've already seen them. I'm biting. Right here, right now. I'm gonna stay with Sasuke until you get the hell out of his life – and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"

Naruto's words wiped the smile off the boss's face, replacing it with a very ugly look.

"Then prepare yourself, for now I will show you my teeth and claws," the boss whispered, leaning right into Naruto's face. "You remain in Otogakure only because of Jiraiya and because of my Sasuke-kun. I will get rid of one and take the other away, and when I am finished, I will rip out your teeth, little guard dog, one by one, until you are nothing more than a bleeding, toothless, shivering, beaten cur!"

Flashing a sickle sharp smile, the boss whirled around and stalked out of my office, leaving Naruto standing there, outraged, stunned, and beyond angry.

"Sasuke..." he growled, punching his fist into his palm, "... if I ever see him again, I'm gonna kill him."

You may understand, then, why I'm getting worried – for Naruto went to the bathroom half an hour ago and hasn't come back. I'll give it ten more minutes before I go looking for him, and if he's not in the higher-ups' bathroom, then I'm going back to the house and I'll meet him there.

God, I hope he hasn't done anything stupid...

October 29th

I am in Konoha, but not with Naruto. I am staying with my brother in his new house in the commuter belt in Port City. You should've seen Itachi's face when I turned up at his door, with two big cases stuffed to the brim with all the clothes and possessions I could carry. I wish I'd had a camera on me.

Kisame, too, knows I'm here, for he happened to be in the lounge with a glass of wine, listening to the radio and chatting to Itachi when I rang the doorbell. He is the only member of Akatsuki privy to this particular piece of information, however, as Itachi is intent on keeping it a secret from uncle Madara at all costs. This is fine by me, and Kisame is content to play along because he hates the man almost as much as we do; and since Madara lives in Kirigakure and doesn't step foot out of the place if he can help it, a surprise visit isn't likely to be on the cards. Therefore, my secret is most probably safe.

Itachi has told me to stay inside during the day and not to answer the phone. What a waste of breath! I spent all day yesterday in my pyjamas in front of the TV, and the thought of answering the phone is about as appealing as being fired into the sun in a tin can. I don't want to talk to anyone right now about anything. Except Itachi. Itachi is the only person I can talk to about what happened in Otogakure. Only Itachi. Only ever Itachi...

LATER:

When Naruto didn't come back from the bathroom, I went looking for him. I searched in the higher-ups' bathroom, as planned, and I popped my head around the Staff Room door and asked whether Amachi and Gen had seen him. Amachi's reply made my blood run cold. He said he'd seen Naruto talking to the boss not long ago by the water cooler, and that Naruto had most likely left for the compound already.

I didn't even stop to thank him and headed straight for the house.

I knew something bad had happened when I saw Jiraiya's BMW parked outside the front door. Kiku was sitting on the steps, staring into space and bouncing a screaming Kylie determinedly on her knees. There were suitcases. Inside, just inside, I could hear Jiraiya roaring at someone. He was angry – scary angry – and I could tell Kiku was trying her best to block it out because she kept kissing the top of Kylie's head and making soothing noises. How much it was for Kylie's comfort and how much for her own was anyone's guess.

I stood there for a moment, struck by an awful sense that my life was about to collapse about me, and with it, came a profoundly strange feeling of disembodiment. I felt like the world around me was a-whirl with chaos, but that I was frozen, suspended in an eerie calm in the middle of it all where I could do nothing but watch and wait, powerless to stop it. Clearest of all was Jiraiya's voice. It was fury as I had never before heard coming from him. It chilled me.

"YOU HAD NO RIGHT! YOU HAD ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT! YOU STAY AWAY FROM NARUTO!"

_Naruto..._

The mere mention of his name awoke me from my reverie. Instantly, I was consumed with worry. What had happened to him? What had happened to Naruto? Was it the boss? Had he gone for him again? Had he actually seriously hurt him?

Every part of my mind was screaming at me, telling me that if I found Naruto, that somehow everything would be okay, that everything would be alright and that I'd wake up at the bottom end of his bed with his big toe shoved up my nose as usual, and I'd be able to roll over, shut the alarm off and tell him all about the stupid nightmare I had.

I dearly wish it had been a nightmare. Not in my wildest dreams could I have conjured up anything near to what happened next.

The shouting grew louder, and the front door opened with a bang. Jiraiya stormed out with a suitcase in hand.

"YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME!" he roared. "YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY FAMILY, AND YOU STAY AWAY FROM NARUTO!"

Then the object of Jiraiya's ire appeared in the doorway. It was the boss. Who else would it have been? He leant against the doorframe, observing the madness he had created with a sublime indifference. Wearing all black, his white-pale skin stood out all the more, making him seem unearthly, like a malevolent spectre of ill-fortune. There was a movement behind him that made him look over his shoulder and smile nastily. It was Naruto, and he shoved the boss out of the way and marched determinedly down the steps towards the car. I panicked when I saw the suitcase he was dragging behind him.

I started running.

"Naruto!" I yelled desperately, willing him to stop, to not leave me here alone. "Naruto, wait! Don't go!"

At the sound of my voice, he turned to face me. I ground to a halt a foot away from him when I noticed the look on his face. His eyes were red-rimmed and glassy, and he seemed to be trying very hard not to cry. His jaw was set, and he was trembling.

"Naruto..." I began, hesitantly, because I knew something terrible had happened. "What's wrong?"

It came out of nowhere. I felt Naruto's fist connect with the side of my face and I stumbled, dark spots flashing in front of my eyes as pain shot through my skull. Before I knew it, he was on top of me, pummelling me with all his might. I took a few punches before survival instincts kicked in and I somehow managed to grab him, flip us both over and pin Naruto to the ground. I didn't hit him. Not once. I didn't want to. I was dazed, confused, angry and, as far as I was concerned, unjustly slighted. I had no idea what was going on. At that point, I was furious and in pain and wanted to beat the answers out of him. Then I felt a pair of strong hands grab my shoulders and drag me to my feet, away from Naruto. It was Jiraiya, and as soon as I was upright, he had Naruto on his knees and had locked his arms behind his head. It was scary. Naruto was struggling against him with all his might. He looked crazy.

"Come on, kid," Jiraiya muttered. "Don't do this here."

Naruto, in the state he was in, either did not or could not hear a word. His steely, ferocious gaze was fixed solely upon me.

"I HATE YOU!" he screamed.

"What?" I yelled angrily back. "I don't even know what you're talking about! You're gone for an hour and I come back and you're knocking the shit out of me? What the hell?"

Naruto's face twisted in anguish.

"ORO TOLD ME EVERYTHING!" he screamed, still valiantly struggling against Jiraiya's restraining hands. "HE TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOU AND YOUR SHITTY, SCUM-ASS FAMILY!"

A creeping feeling of dread stole over me.

"I don't know what you're talking about..."

"YOU DO!" he howled, tears streaming down his cheeks. "YOU DO, YOU LYING SACK OF UCHIHA SHIT!"

An insistent note crept into my voice.

"Naruto, seriously... please... I really don't know what you're talking about..."

"MY MUM AND DAD!" he cried out, his voice finally breaking as though it took all the effort he could muster to say aloud, to me, to his best friend. "YOUR UNCLE KILLED MY MUM AND DAD!"

As soon as the words left his mouth, the strength his all-consuming fury provided him seemed to leave too. He collapsed on the ground, weeping.

"And you kissed Sakura!" he sobbed, glaring at me accusingly through a haze of tears.

"Naruto, I'm sorry..."

"You're not sorry!" he yelled, pounding the ground with a fist. "You don't even like her! You swore to me you'd never make a move on her!"

"Naruto, I'm sorry, I- I didn't mean to..."

"Oh yeah? Like your uncle didn't mean to hire the bunch of dip-shit fucking goons that killed my parents?"

The world all around me was beginning to unravel. Reality was breaking apart and reordering itself to a colder, lonelier design.

"Naruto, please... I didn't know!"

"Bullshit! It's all bullshit!"

"You have to believe me!"

"And to think we were friends! We were _friends_, dammit!"

"We still are!" I insisted desperately, as I tried to keep hold of all the loose threads and spin them back into a life without murder and lies. "We're still friends! I'm sorry, Naruto. I'm so, so, sorry..."

Naruto didn't answer. He just lay there on the ground, sobbing.

I could do nothing.

I could do nothing as Jiraiya hooked Naruto's arm around his shoulder and hauled him up, half-dragging him over to the car while he was crying his eyes out. I could do nothing as he gently placed the best friend I've ever had into the passenger seat and closed the door behind him with a finality that would have made me weep if the numbness that had frozen my heart had allowed me. I could do nothing as Kiku and Kylie followed him, and I could do nothing as Jiraiya turned the key in the engine and pulled away, out of the compound with a screech of tyres, leaving me destroyed, defenceless and utterly, utterly alone.

I must've been in shock, because I don't remember the walk back up the steps into the house. I didn't even take my shoes off. I can vaguely remember wandering about, staring at vases, ornaments, paintings, running my fingertips along the walls so that I could feel something concrete, to convince myself I was not going mad.

I think the TV room must be my favourite room in the whole house. It's informal, filled with squashy sofas and mismatched cushions, with a coffee table riddled with actual coffee-mug burn marks. It's not pristine and intimidating like most of the unused rooms in the boss's house are. So, naturally, in my unsound state of mind, I gravitated to it, and I fell onto the very same couch where the boss and I kissed not long ago, and I curled up and stared into space.

I couldn't even cry.

I couldn't even do anything when the boss slipped into the room and closed the door quietly behind him. In a heartbeat, I felt him sit down next to me on the couch. My back was turned to him, and I felt him settle into the little nook created by my bent legs. He started stroking my hair. It was only then that tears began to leak out.

"Why are you doing this to me?" I whispered, in a voice completely drained of emotion.

The boss said nothing, but I felt him gently turn me around so my face was exposed. I shut my eyes so I wouldn't have to look at him, but then I felt his hand cup my cheek, brushing away my tears with a thumb.

"Don't cry, Sasuke-kun," he whispered, sweeping a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "I cannot bear it."

Then he started kissing me.

For a moment, I lay there – numb, trembling and shocked to the core – as he graced my skin with light, butterfly kisses. Hysteria was bubbling up inside me, and I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. All I could do was plead, plead for him to stop as he kissed me over and over and over again.

"Please don't, Orochimaru-sama," I whispered, my voice getting higher and fainter as the boss's kisses intensified. "Please don't. Please... please... please... please... please..."

It stopped as suddenly as it began. I felt a flicker of uncertainty and I opened my eyes to find the boss staring at me, vaguely horrified, as though he had only just realised what he was doing, as though my words had finally reached him. He physically recoiled, shifting away from me, and his head fell into his hands, strands of long black hair obscuring his face.

For a moment, I lay there, staring at him, wondering what he was doing. When he didn't move, I slowly sat up, drawing my knees into my chest, and watched him warily.

"Orochimaru-sama...?" I began, hesitantly.

"Get out of my sight."

"What?"

"Get out of my sight, Sasuke-kun!" the boss repeated, with more vigour, his head still in his hands.

"B-But, I don't understand—"

"You heard me! Go. Now. Before I change my mind. I am officially granting you extended festive leave. The only condition of your release is that you return promptly on the second of January with everyone else."

He paused, taking a deep breath, before adding, his tone uncharacteristically weary, "When you return, I may consider a transfer..."

It felt like something inside me had exploded. Disbelief and joy were intermingled in an initial, warm and intense burst of pleasure. My face broke into a grin, the first genuine smile I have worn for several months. Though at the sight of the boss sitting before me, having retreated into his own private realm of distress, my happiness was tempered with a bitter twist of resentment and regret. The spiteful, proud, Uchihan part of me said that he deserved everything he got, and that it was only right he let me go after all he'd put me through. The less logical, human part of me, the part that had spent three years with the man and that had grown quite attached to him, regretted that it had come to this and wasn't sure whether it wanted to leave.

I knew I had to, though. I had spent so much time fighting for my freedom, and now that I had finally won it, I was not going to throw it away for the sake of clinging to an irrational and, quite possibly, unhealthy sentiment. The boss had done something that was probably a very difficult thing for him to do, something that must have taken all the strength he had. It was an act of kindness and generosity such as I had never witnessed from him, and I was not about to throw such a gift back in his face.

You see, he was letting me go.

Managing a fragile smile, I reached out and gently laid my hand on his. The only sign that he was aware of my existence was an almost imperceptible flinch at my touch. He was still sitting there with his head in his hands, motionless, as though he were carved in stone. I knew he could still hear me, though, however he much he might have pretended not to.

"Thank you, Orochimaru-sama. Thank you so much," I whispered, before I rose to my feet on unsteady legs and walked out.

I left him there in the TV room and went upstairs to pack my suitcases and phone for a cab. When I went down to say goodbye, he was gone. I did not go looking for him. I didn't even leave a note. What could I have said that would have made what happened any less awful? Words were inadequate. We had said everything we had needed to say, and the boss had had the final word.

The worst thing was saying goodbye to Mallory. I really did cry then, because I couldn't take him on the chartered flight to Konoha with me. It would've meant him spending a month in quarantine, since he didn't have a pet passport, and I couldn't bear the thought of him wasting away in a cage at an airport where people wouldn't know him or appreciate him. It was best he remain in Otogakure, where the staff will take care of him until my return in January and I can take him wherever I might end up having to go.

I don't really want to think about where that might be.

I've already had a talk to Itachi about uncle Madara and his role in the "business" killing of Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina. I waited until Kisame went away before mentioning it, and Itachi and I ended up talking late into the night. Understandably, I was distraught, and I was shouting at my brother – demanding, asking whether he had known all along. Itachi appeared troubled by the news and calmly replied that no, he had not known any of it. He suggested that perhaps knowledge of the perpetrator had been kept from us and from the general populace at large - and wisely so, for fear of retribution-killings snowballing into a war.

"The foundation of any lasting organisation is built on secrets and lies," he said finally, before drifting off to sleep at four am. "I am sorry you had to find out the hard way, Sasuke."

Secrets and lies.

I wonder...

* * *

AN: This chapter went to a pretty dark place a couple of times. Sorry about that, but it had to be done. The next chapter will be funny, I swear to you, for it is time for an Akatsuki Christmas! It may also warm your heart (or creep you out, depending on your tolerance for obsessive romance. XD) As for the manga lately... I have only one thing to say, and that is: "OMGWTFBBQ YONDAIIIIIIIIIIME!!111" -airpunch-

Thanks go out to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I am sorry for traumatising you. Really, I am. I swear I could feel voodoo pins when I went to bed after posting thirty-eight... XD

**Risanda** (I know! I'm sorry! But I had to do it! -weeps- I dreaded writing this chapter for a while because I didn't want to put Oro and Sauce through any more crap. Even I'm starting to feel sorry for them. All I can say is have faith in Sasuke. He will work his bitchy thing. And have faith in Oro, because that moment _was_ really important. I'm glad you like the drama, though, because this chapter was crammed with it. XD Next chapter will be light-hearted and fun, I promise. I'm looking forward to writing it, too!)

**Nozomi-sama** (The intensity of your review made me lol! It was like your actual emotions as you went through the chapter. XD Thank you, though, for the compliment on my angst-writing skillz. I try to keep it real (lol). I think that's the best way to do angst. Might have totally went against my own advice with this chapter, but who's keeping track? :P And you are right. Oro is an asshole and Sasuke is an idiot. I wonder if they will ever realise it and come to terms with themselves?)

**NayanRoo** (Oh mama... I feel you're going to be cursing my name again after this chapter. XD You don't, by any chance, dabble in voodoo, do you? Maybe it'll make you feel a touch better when I say I dreaded writing this chapter for a few days and I really wanted to get thirty-nine over with so I could write the more optimistic and light-hearted forty. I had to take a lot of breaks when writing this one, and that's pretty unusual for me. Where the hell has this sudden conscience come from? And were so right on the mark when you talk of Sasuke finally realising that his actions have consequences that I'm wondering if you're secretly psychic. If you are, do not tell anyone what happens at the end! :| Also, I'm totally with you on worrying more about fictional characters' lives than those of people I know. It's bad. Maybe I could transfer some of my fic-writing conscience to everyday life. X|)

**NaruGuru** (I'm marvelling at how perceptive you guys are. When you said that Sasuke has given up so much to come to Otogakure, it was like a little lightbulb went on in my head. I never even thought of that, but you are so right. Sasuke really has given so much over to Oro that, really, he is entitled to keep a little of himself to himself - namely, his personality. XD Apologies for toying with your emotions, but being ever so slightly evil, I must torture my characters before they can find peace and equilibrium. :D)

**LadyRouge214** (I know, right? Like, seriously. People are _actually_ expecting me to do some work for uni now. What the hell? :P)

**uberhaxxor of pwnage** (Yes, Sasuke is, indeed, a first-class idiot. Anyone else would have been content to break down the door, catch them in the act and beat their cheating lover to death. Not Sasuke. He goes for the subtle, emotionally crippling revenge attack of doom. As for Madara... I have a mixed reaction when it comes to him. My first is usually the same as yours, as in "omfg you sleaze, leave sauce alone!". My second is, "yes... madara is here... let the shit-stirring commence and drama rain down from the sky! :D")

**Kutsushita-Socks** (Hey! No problem on the review. I do occasionally check out everyone's profiles to see what they're about when it comes to Naruto - and I really did like your fic. And don't worry about missing a review or two. Every once in a while, real life rears its ugly head and distracts one from what really matters: fanfic. XD And I'm not the best, most regular reviewer myself. Madara and Oro... both infuriating and brilliant. They're actually quite alike, now I come to think of it.)

**Dooki** (Oh no... Ice cream? Am I really that evil to Oro and Sauce? The answer is... yeah, most likely. But I do feel sorry for them. Honest! I dreaded writing this chapter for days because I knew what was coming. Plus, I had to get right into my angsty zone to make it work. Will that dissuade you from reaching for the ice-cream and voodoo dolls? Probably not, but hey, I tried! XD Perhaps I can console you with the thought of an Akatsuki Christmas reunion next chapter?)

**Violet203** (Is this a new reviewer? I do vaguely remember a Violet, but you might not be the same one. If you are a new reviewer, then thank you very much for taking the time to write one out. It's much appreciated! :) I apologise for making you cry. I have the funniest feeling this chapter might have done it again, but we'll see.)

**Roxanne Morinaka** (Thanks for signing your review, otherwise I wouldn't have known it was you! XD You are right. Oro is getting waaaay out of control. His affection for the Sauce is beginning to border a little on "psychotic, jealous, control-freak", and Sasuke's irreverent way of treating him and tendency to deliberately push all of his buttons isn't helping. I'm glad you liked the pranks. And the "hammer time!" It's so true. MC Zabuza, keepin' it real.)

**Luna-Lunak** (Aie! You are another one I was sorely worried for, lol. I hope it isn't a case of the suspense is literally killing you. And the drama. And the angst. And the wounded pride and hurt feelings and all the other horrible stuff that went on last chapter and was pretty much the core of this chapter. Yeah... I guess this fic has kind of went to a dark place - but it is necessary, I promise you. It'll be worth it in the end. I can't tell you whether that end will be a happy or not, but you can always have faith in the master plan...)

**Ashtray'Heart** (Heyyyy! I recognise your screen name! You're the one who wrote that amazing NaruSasu fic with Sasuke as a student, coffee-house monkey. I love that fic, so I'm really glad you decided to wander over and take a look at mine. I'm flattered. :) Thanks for leaving a review, too. They're always much appreciated. :) I agree with you that it's so damned hard to try and write everyone into something. Especially with Naruto! There are so many names and characters to juggle. Now I know why Kishi always makes TenTen a bit crap.)

**fiore777** (You must've had your update radar on, or something, because that was quite uncanny. To answer your Powerpuff girl question: Sasuke has watched it, Jiraiya has not. Sasuke is a fairly recent Konoha University graduate and, during the considerable downtime a student with a full scholarship with no need to work possesses, he watched quite a lot of crap TV. And well done for spotting the Oro hand-grabbing of Sasuke. You are right. Despite everything, the depth of feeling will never go away...)

**Austeria** (First off, having read your wonderfully eloquent and kind review (squee!), I suggest that you get writing. Pronto. Your comments about grand acts of gluttony and the use of the word 'culmination' (I love that word, no idea why) leave no doubt in my mind that you could write an absolutely cracking fic if you put your mind to it. I expect to see you registered and firing out one-shots within the month! ;) In all seriousness, though, thanks so much for the nice comments. I've had quite a few people say to me that they usually hate, hate, hate OroSasu, but that this fic is so retardedly silly that they're willing to let it slide. That's good, because it's what I was aiming for. Plus, if you managed to (even shakily) predict the plot, then I fear your powers of insight. XD)

**YoungSasuke** (Do you study literature or something? You're very good at reading between the lines and into character's thoughts and emotions. I suppose one of your predictions definitely did come true this chapter: the can of worms was, indeed, super-sized, and came in Oro flavour. Mmm... Oro flavour. Tastes like madness. And Sasuke, I think, learned a hard lesson about how his actions affect those around him when Kimimaro threw his words back at Oro and came up with such spectacular results. Sasuke is the one person who can affect Oro on a profound level, and I don't think he has quite realised it. Until now...)

**eerabbit** (I know, right? XD And look! Moar drama!)

**alloysuis** (Fuck me running... That is an absolutely beautiful phrase. Must make a mental note to use it at the first given opportunity. Oh yes... I am glad you agree with my resolute wish to conform to my Master Plan for this fic. The end (and epilogue) have been planned out for ages, and everything (and I mean everything) has been working towards them, which is probably where the Actual Plot thing comes in. XD And I'm glad you like my Karin. I was indifferent to her at first, but now that I've had to write her, I've developed a soft spot for her. And there is something really sexy about her, isn't there? Cannot put my finger on it, but it's there for sure.)

**Beqs** (I think your last review just about summed up everyone's reactions to thirty-eight. I wonder whether I won't be able to sleep tonight for the sound of the general noises of disgust and outrage plaguing me from over teh interwabz. I can practically feeeeeeel the hatred, lol. XD)

**Insomnniac Owl** (You know what? I am so damned glad someone liked the bidet. Suigetsu didn't even need to be in there, but dammit if I wasn't going to fit in that bit about the bidet because the idea made me chortle in a public place and I would've embarrassed myself for nothing if I hadn't put it in. Bidets freak me out too. And my dad designs bathrooms for a living, so there's one in one of our bathrooms. It just sits there, gathering dust. There is no point in it, because no one ever uses it. And yes... there is a touch of the old violence in their relationship. How much that is down to a little too much passion and how much is down to their desire to have control over one another is up for debate. Glad you liked the drama too, because there was an extra helping in this chapter. XD)

**Chromde** (I'm glad you like your Sasuke a fighting Sasuke. In this fic, and in the manga and the anime too, I think that's all he knows how to do. He struggles vehemently against everything, believing himself to be at war with the world. If someone tries to force him to do something, he automatically resists. I guess that's one of Oro and Sauce's major relationship problems in this fic, and is kind of my way of throwing a bit of canon in there, just for laughs and drama. And yay for picking up the hammer time and Cillit Bang! references. Did you ever see that Cillit Bang remix JAKAZiD did on YouTube? Amazing...)

**SasukexXxSakura** (I know! Why did he do that? Oro, you first-class moron! I feel your anguish, lol.)

**Bri** (I think your "omfg why did Oro do thaaaaaaaaaat?" comment pretty much summed up everyone's reactions. I have the funniest feeling everyone is going to come out with an absolute loathing for him after this chapter, lol. For some reason, I still sympathise with him (a little). But then, I know why he's doing it. XD I totally agree with you on Madara, though. He is a slimy, sleazy rat-man-beast with an agenda. Do not trust him as far as you can throw him. Kimimaro... well... he's caught up between Oro and the Sauce. That's not a position I'd like to be in. Look what happened to poor Karin. But, omg, how much did you squee when Yondaime popped out in the manga?)

**ArilianaFireQueen** (Hi again! Lol, I was wondering where you went to. You even dropped off the face of LJ. Bloody real life rearing its ugly head, I ask you! :p Though that is a really weird, selective computer problem. Has someone put a filter or blocked the port or something? Strange. Anyway, lol, yes. I apologise for traumatising you last chapter with all the OMGDRAMANOES moment with the KimiOroSasuKarin love square of doom. I think there were a few people who were like, "ARGH Y U DO THIS TO MEEEEE?" Hope you get your mac fixed, and thanks for reviewing!)

**nodaaaaaa** (Lol, I always have to count how many As there are in your screen name, so I can get it right when I reply here. XD But yeah... last one was pretty intense. If you were on the edge of your seat last time, you've probably fallen off it by now. XD I put in an extra helping of drama. Maybe a little too much, because I'm starting to feel sorry for Oro and the Sauce. :p And I think my writing style might be subtly shifting again, that's probably why it read differently. Probably.)

**wertyit** (Yay! Another new reviewer (and possibly a new reader!) Thanks for taking the time out to write one. It's always much appreciated. :) And I hope the other reviews haven't totally spoiled the plot of the rest of the fic for you, lol. XD)

**chibibaka1** (You know, I'm glad you said you like the way I'm combining comedy and drama in chapters. I'm starting to get a bit worried that the fic is turning into an angst-fest - especially after this chapter. I mean, it is sort of necessary, and I'm lightening it right back up next time, but yeah... a bit worried, so thanks for the reassurance. :) And I'm so glad you got the Powerpuff Girls reference. And the episode too! I love Mojo Jojo to death! He's proper comedy gold, that little monkey is. XD)

**Kaira-chan15** (I love that you're going back through each of the chapters and leaving me nice reviews here and there. It makes me grin like a loon every time I see them, and it's great because it reminds me of the plot that has come before (always a good thing, because I'm so damned forgetful, you have no idea!) And omg, I remember the excitement at the thought of finally getting to use that Hidan scene. It had been lurking in my head since the beginning, and I was like "YESSSSS!" XD But to answer your question, I'm not in a band, alas. I was going to Wembley stadium to see Muse playing. It was awesome!)

* * *


	40. Chapter 40

A Day in the Life

* * *

AN: I'm fretting about this chapter. I really am. I hope I managed to do it justice.

Oh god... ohgodohgodohgod...

-fretfretfret-

* * *

December 23rd

For the past two months, I have been semi-secretly living in Konoha, in my brother's front room, in hoodies and sweatpants. Since Itachi prefers to keep his home in near regimental order, I have decided to kill two birds with one stone by becoming his live-in "house-brother". This has enabled me to accomplish two things: one, I now feel less like a freeloading, scrounging screw up, and two, I have managed to peel myself off the couch and stop moping. And I was moping – big style.

I've stopped answering calls, texts and emails because the night after I came here I got an angry phone call from Sakura. I don't really want to go into it, but she basically said she never wanted to speak to me again because I ruined her chances with Naruto. I was, apparently, the worst "so-called" friend ever, and she wondered why she ever fell for an "arrogant, selfish scumbag like me." Already emotionally battered, I didn't have the strength to explain myself, or argue back, so I took her verbal beating in a stunned sort of silence, and by the time she slammed the phone down on me... well... it pretty much finished me.

I did not take it very well.

Itachi came home from work to find me curled up in a ball of misery on his couch. He tried his best to console me, but to no avail. He instead laid a blanket over me and told me to take as much time as I needed.

After a solid week or so of wallowing in self-pity and remembering all the awful things I have said or done to everyone I have ever met in my life and discovering what a terrible bastard I am, I decided that maybe I could make myself feel a little better by making reparations to some of those affected by my actions. Karin, obviously, was high on my list, and the one I most wanted to apologise to.

The next day, having worked up the courage, I called Karin and told her everything that had happened and how sorry I was. I cannot tell you how much of a relief it was to finally be able to do this after months of sleepless nights thinking about it. To my astonishment – and I did not deserve this – she forgave me outright, and said that, actually, things had turned out oddly well. Apparently, the boss had turned up at the South Base unannounced the day before on pretence of a routine inspection. She was so scared, she said, that she couldn't even speak to him properly. Then Karin told me how he had drawn her aside, sat her down and _sort of_ apologised without apologising (as is the boss's way) by making her the General Manager of the South Base. I was stunned into silence by this news. Karin at the other end of the phone, clearly realised this as she laughed and said, "Sasuke? Sasuke? Are you there? Hello?"

"Yeah... yeah, I'm still here," I said absently. "You've just broken my mind, that's all. But seriously, how in the hell?"

With enthusiasm, Karin explained. It was a far cry from the last time I'd seen and heard her. In her time at the South Base, she appeared to have clawed some of her confidence back. I envied her.

"The boss basically said that I had to forget about what happened back at the North Base, and that as far as he was concerned, I was one of his most valuable employees and he didn't want to lose me to a rival company."

"You're kidding?"

"Nope! And then he said that since I'd been doing so well for myself here and that because the South Base didn't really have a proper manager, he was going to create the post and give me a pay rise!"

"That... that's awesome, Karin!"

"I know, isn't it? Now I can go home for Christmas to my alcoholic family and really mean it when I say things are going well!"

Despite the twinge of jealousy, I laughed. Then she laughed, and conversation turned light and frothy to Christmas arrangements before we said cheerful goodbyes, with promises to call one another more regularly now that the contact embargo had been officially (yet unofficially) lifted. I couldn't believe my luck. I thought she would never have wanted to speak to me again.

I must say, I needed that phone call. It reminded me that I do, in fact, still have friends in the world, and that the boss is not the only thing waiting for me when I return to Otogakure. Kabuto emailed me the very evening it all kicked off, wanting to know what on earth had happened because he went back to the house after a productive day at the labs to find that everyone had disappeared except the boss – and he couldn't get a word out of him, as he was lying in bed with the lights out in a catatonic state of despair. I wrote him a rather long and detailed reply. He was sympathetic (after his manner, at least) and said that he wished the boss hadn't decided to ruin everyone's lives in pursuit of me, since now he had no one to play World of Warcraft with. Ah, Kabuto. The typical scientist. He manages to be both sympathetic and self-absorbed at the same time.

Suigetsu, Amachi and Gen'yumaru are also still talking to me. They must have had their suspicions that something was wrong when I hadn't shown at work for a week. I received carefully worded emails from each of them, asking how and I was and what I was up to. I told them, but didn't give them the whole story – just that the boss and I had been having problems. All three of them wrote back saying that, after the Karin debacle, they'd pretty much guessed that we were going through a rocky patch, but that they had no idea how bad it was. The boss, they said, hadn't come into work for a week, and when he finally did, he shut himself up in the labs, alone, and never spoke to anyone. Apparently, he hasn't shouted at anyone for ages.

I must confess here to a pathetic twinge of concern. This decidedly un-boss-like behaviour reported by no less than four of my colleagues had me worried. I did not pick up the phone or anything like that, but I did borrow Itachi's car and drive out to the Port Town mall to pick up a Christmas card from the card shop. I did this while Itachi was at work, because if he had caught me thus acknowledging the boss's continued existence, I don't think he would have been pleased with me, and I didn't much fancy having to justify my actions to him. How could I, when I couldn't even justify them to myself?

I spent ages in the store trying to decide which card to buy, because I was so worried that the Far Side one I liked was too funny and would give the impression I didn't care and was over everything that had happened, that the one with a generic "Season's Greetings" was too impersonal, and the one with the festive fart jokes would be just plain disgusting. I wanted a Christmas card that said: "Merry Christmas. I still maintain strong feelings for you and I'm sorry for everything, but so help me I want to gouge your eyeballs out for ruining my life."

Unfortunately, no such card existed. I asked the girl at the counter, who told me this was the case, and when I replied in an impatient tone that I was at my wits' end trying to choose a damned card, she came out onto the shop floor and directed me towards the grey bear cards. They were perfect, and I thanked her profusely. In the end, I selected the one with the little grey bear, wearing a red santa hat, making a trek over a frozen lake in the snow to deliver a parcel he clutched tightly in his little, grey paws. It was solemn, yet optimistic. It said everything.

Inside, it bore the usual "Happy Christmas" message. When I got it home, I added one of my own before addressing it to the boss and sending it off with the rest of Itachi's mail.

My message read:

----

"Get up, and get out of bed. I've invested so much in your bloody company and I don't want to come back to find I don't have a job because you're depressed or mooning over what happened or whatever. I want you up and in the labs every day, making those wonderful, useful discoveries you're famous for. When I come back in the new year, you can tell me all about them, and I can tell you about the horrors of another Akatsuki Christmas at Itachi's.

Yes, that's where I'm staying. It's his new place on the Kirigakure commuter coastal line in Konoha. I'm telling you just so you know and so you don't have to worry (if you are, that is.) I've put his address on the back of the envelope, so if you could give it to Kabuto and everyone else, I'd be grateful. Of course, if you want to send something yourself, feel free. I'd like that.

Try and have a good Christmas, and I'll see you in January.

Remember! Get out of bed and get washed and dressed and eat something and shout at people at work! I'll be listening to any and all reports.

Sasuke.

xxx

----

As soon as I sent the damned thing, I wanted to un-send it. I spent the rest of that afternoon viciously ironing and cursing myself for caving so soon and being the first to open up the lines of communication. I also spent the next day and the day after that hovering around the front door, waiting to intercept any and all mail in case Itachi accidentally picked up anything addressed to me in the boss's hand (which he would obviously have recognised, because my brother remembers everything he has ever come across.) Of course, Itachi noted my suspicious mail-hovering behaviour and remarked on it, quizzing me as to why I had been hanging around the front door in the morning and whether I was waiting for something. I laughed a little too loudly in response and played the "Doh! You got me card!" I managed to get away with it by telling him I was waiting for his presents to be delivered (which was half true – I've ordered everyone's gifts online this year) and he shrugged and went upstairs to fit in a short piano practise session before work.

Three days later, loads of cards came through the door from everyone I knew. A lot of them were from Konoha: from Kakashi, Shikamaru, Neji and TenTen, Hinata, Lee, Gai, Ino, Chouji, Shino, Sai, Tsunade and Dan, Asuma and Kurenai – loads of them from my old work – which had been forwarded from the boss's house in Otogakure. Also bearing Konoha postmarks, and the cards that made my heart squeeze painfully, were ones from Jiraiya, Kiku and Kylie, Sakura, and Naruto.

I could tell Kiku had written out her joint Christmas card from her and Jiraiya this year, because it was written in a baby-blue ink pen and she always puts little hearts above every lower-case I and J. She'd written a special message inside.

It read,

----

Hey Sasuke, it's Kiku here, but don't think it's all me, though, cos Jiraiya is telling me what to write, lol! We heard from Kabuto that you're not in Otogakure anymore, so we don't know where to send this, but Jiraiya says if Oro knows, he'll maybe forward it to you if he's in a good mood. If this gets to you, then we just want you to know that if you're ever in Konoha, you've to give us a call. Jiraiya says he doesn't blame you for what happened and that you're always welcome at our house. Ha! It feels real weird saying "our house!"

Anyway, I'm so excited because I wanted to tell you that back in October, after we came back to Konoha, I applied to do business at Konoha University. It was too late, obv. for this year, but I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED FOR NEXT YEAR!! They said my high school grades were good, but they were more impressed by the work experience I got when I was filling in for you at Oto Enterprises. Who would have thunk it, eh? Little old me! Kylie will be one and a half then (she's getting sooooo big, lol!) so I won't feel too bad about leaving her, tho I am kinda nervous. But my dad says he's always willing to babysit and Jiraya can look after her at night when I'm studying, so I won't feel like she's not getting cared for or anything. I figured you'd be proud, since it's the same course you did when you went there with Naruto and Sakura.

Speaking of Naruto, he misses you like crazy, especially since he broke up with Hinata and fell out with Sakura. All he's been doing is working. It's weird. I think you should talk to him.

But I'm running out of space (my big, fat writing is HUGE, lol) so wherever you are, have a good Christmas! And don't be a stranger, y'hear?

Love Kiku, Jiraiya and Kylie.

xxx

----

Let it be known, Kiku, that I am damned proud that you were selected for the very competitive and ruthless Business Studies course at the University of Konoha. As a survivor, I know that you will walk through those doors on the first day and go off like a bomb – shocking all the cut-throat, stuck-up, stuffy, would-chew-off-their-own-arm-for-a-networking-opportunity types who are attracted to that course like flies to shit. It'll be hard, because they'll be jealous that you, the bubbly, pint-sized blonde from downtown in a pink t-shirt and jeans with a kid at seventeen, have had more success and experience of living the high life than they'll ever have in their lives. But you've got to stick it out. You've really got to. And I think you will, because you've managed to handle living with the boss for a few years and have consorted with various Akatsuki Group higher-ups. If you can deal with that, you can deal with snide comments from jealous undergraduates, no problem. That, and you're a mother now. I've heard that becoming a parent tends to bring on preternatural bouts of aggression and makes one increasingly disinclined to take crap from other people. So if it gets hard – and it will – think of Kylie and think of how proud Jiraiya, your dad and Ayame will be when they're at your graduation. I wish you all the luck in the world. Not that you'll need it. You'll be great, and everyone knows it.

Wow...

What intensity of feeling. Maybe I should have put _that_ in the card I sent back? Where the hell did that spontaneous burst of optimism come from? It's highly unlike me. Perhaps it's a combination of Kiku's embarking upon the road to success, Jiraiya's well-wishes and the messages of hope in Naruto and Sakura's cards.

Yes, they still want to be a part of my life, and yes, I am so terribly, terribly happy about it. I have their cards right here on my nightstand. I'll type out the contents. They're not too long.

From Sakura,

----

Hi Sasuke,

I know we haven't really spoken much lately, but I just want to say I'm sorry and that I sort of understand why you told Orochimaru-sama the truth, even though I'm still mad at you for using it as ammo in a fight. I was talking to Kabuto and he said you two had had a major fall-out and that you're not living in Otogakure just now (so I hope this card gets to you – I have no idea where you are.)

Please, please, please send me something with your address on it. I want to know where you are and that you're okay. Even though I'm mad at you, you're still my friend, and I don't want to lose you. Do you fancy meeting up at some point in the new year? If yes, I'll call you and we can have a chat about it.

Have a good Christmas!

Sakura.

xox

----

From Naruto,

----

Dude, I dunno why I'm writing this. It probably won't get to you because no one knows where the hell you are and you won't answer your phone or emails, but I've gotta try. Jiraiya said I should talk to you cos it wasn't actually your fault all that stuff happened. I guess he's right, and that makes me feel like shit.

So I just wanna say that I believe you now, okay? I mean you were, what, three months old or something when it happened? I guess I was just so angry I couldn't think straight. I'm still angry now, but not at you. You're my best friend, dude, even though you're an Uchiha, and I kinda miss you. We've been friends for ever, and I don't want those pieces of crap Oro and Madara to split us up. That'd be like goin down without a fight, and you know that ain't my style!

Anyway, Sakura was talking about meeting up in the new year. If this gets to you, and you're up for it, let me know. I moved into a new apartment, so I put my address on the envelope like Jiraiya told me to. It's huge and it's really close to work, so we can hang out there.

Happy Christmas, dude.

From your best friend ever (still!)

-N.

P.S. The plan totally worked in the end, lol.

----

Needless to say, my duties as house-brother-in-residence fell by the wayside that day, as I was busy writing cards I had stolen from Itachi's leftover pile in the kitchen with the biggest, silliest grin on my face. It was nice to know that my life was, you know, maybe not as worthless or fucked-up as I thought it was. And that my friends still wanted to be friends with me. That was the best feeling ever. It has made bearable _even_ the prospect of going Christmas grocery shopping with Itachi and Kisame tomorrow. We have to be standing in the queue at eight-thirty sharp to pick up the pre-ordered turkey and ham at Mitsukoshi department store. After that, we have to find the rest of the food. Itachi and Kisame are in the front room right now, drawing up a battle-plan. When I say, "battle plan", I mean actually mean "shopping list", but it might as well be one. The last-minute rushes in Konoha are truly terrifying and astonishingly competitive. This is one of the times I wish I was back in Otogakure. The boss has people to do this sort of thing for him.

While Itachi and Kisame plot and scheme, I have taken a brief break to write this entry before getting back to my regularly scheduled cleaning. I swear have never done so much housework in my life. Only this morning, I have swept, hoovered, dusted, buffed, scrubbed, arranged last-minute additions to our Christmas decorations, and put a load in the washing machine. This is because, at eight tomorrow, the Akatsuki mob (minus Konan, Nagato and his siblings) will descend, _en masse_, upon my brother's home, and he will not tolerate anything less than spotless.

If cleanliness is next to godliness, I would be calling my brother _kami-sama_.

I wonder if there is a god of hygiene?

Oh well. Better sign off. Kisame has just popped his head round the door and asked me to cast the deciding vote as to whether we will buy cranberry sauce or make it fresh.

Until tomorrow, I suppose.

LATER

3:10am

There are times when I don't cope well, having left him. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night, and soon as I do, I think of him and that horrible, hollow ache appears in my chest. It doesn't have to be much. The stupidest, most insignificant memory can result a sleepless night as I dwell upon him, upon his place, and upon the profound impact he has had on my life. Sometimes, I snivel. I cannot help it. Three years is a long time, and despite the fact that he really did fuck up my life, I'm finding it hard to forget him.

I keep having dreams about him. They all start out different (having sex, someone dying, Suigetsu on a game-show and we're trying to help him cheat, running from the cops because some foreign journalist has exposed the illegal goings-on down in the labs, fighting for our lives in a zombie apocalypse) but at the end, the boss always leans over and whispers the same words in my ear. He says, "Sasuke-kun, I have something to tell you..."

And then I wake up in tears, frustrated, because I want to know so badly. Because I want to be with him but can't.

Tonight is one of those nights. I had the dream, and once again, I woke up before he could tell me what he wanted me to know, and now I'm lying here, awake, alone, and torturing myself thinking about him. I'm wondering whether he's lying awake right now, thinking of me, or whether he has found solace with another? I wonder whether he even thinks of me at all...

I cannot talk to Itachi about this. He will not understand. If I told him, he would simply outright dismiss my anguish and chalk it up to a combined weakness of principles and character. I cannot talk to anyone, so this journal is my only outlet.

I want these feelings to go away...

December 24th

6:40am

Got no sleep last night.

Result? Tired, groggy, dressed in black hoodie, tee and skinnies with some rice shoved down my throat.

Stupid brother has woken me up at this stupid hour, insisting we join the stupid pre-order turkey queue at Mitsukoshi before it gets too big. Sleep deprivation is a breach of human rights, and I know this because I watch the news and have seen photos of what they do at torture camps. So, Itachi, I am warning you now, if you pull such a stunt again, I will hire a lawyer and sue your ass to kingdom come – brotherly bonds, or no brotherly bonds.

LATER:

10:15am

Itachi and I were kicked out of Mitsukoshi. It wasn't even our fault! People are just far too jumpy these days – it really makes me sick.

Having parked the Bentley and paid for our ticket, Itachi and I wandered across the road to the department store and joined the pre-order queue down in the basement at exactly half-seven. As Itachi had predicted, the line was already rather long, but not so long that we couldn't see the counter at the other end of the room. The staff had erected tensabarriers as a Christmas customer crowd control measure and the queue was snaking around the basement floor. In a misguided attempt to be festive, they had wrapped tinsel around the barrier poles.

I was tired and grumpy. The little, old lady in front of us was tired and grumpy. The put-upon mother behind us who had been forced to bring along her two small children was tired and grumpy. Everyone was tired and grumpy. Add to this the deeply irritating sound of what sounded like "Kenny G does Christmas" wailing over the tannoy, and you have a recipe for disaster right there. I mean, Kenny G? Seriously?

My brother does not do well in crowds, so by the time we reached the front of the line, he was a little tense. When the checkout girl asked for our pre-order slip, he sort of threw the thing at her and asked her to be quick (Itachi does not do well with people, either.) The girl scowled and headed into the back room to fetch our order. A few minutes later, she returned empty-handed. No turkey, no ham and none of the other little party snacks in foil trays we had requested. When Itachi, in his condescending monotone, inquired as to why this was so, the surly checkout girl replied that there was a problem with our order form, that she couldn't find our records, and that we'd have to come back later.

For Itachi, who had spent forty-five minutes waiting in a tightly-packed tensabarrier queue listening to Kenny G murdering _White Christmas_, this was not a welcome revelation. It may have pushed him over the edge. I know this because I saw his eye twitch just before he leaned right over the counter and rudely snatched the order form from the checkout girl's hands. In response to the indignant yell of their colleague, two other male attendants suddenly appeared out of nowhere and rushed to her aid.

"Sir, if I might remind you that this is a busy time for us and that everyone is a little under pressure—"

"Of course, Sir. I do realise this is an inconvenience, and we apologise, but you must treat our staff with tolerance and patience as we are trying our hardest to—"

"There is a problem with your order form? I see. Then please let me double-check, Sir. There might have been some sort of—"

"No, Sir. I am afraid I cannot permit you to check our stock and records yourself. Customers are not permitted beyond this point—"

"Sir, I must insist you remain behind the counter—"

"Sir, if you take one more step we will be forced to call security!"

Thus it came to pass that my brother and I were escorted out of the department store by two burly security guards. I was too tired and grumpy to protest. Kisame was not best pleased when I called to tell him what had happened. He had to leave the trolley full of essential list-items he had already gathered together in the care of an elderly lady (who had promised to guard it for him) so he could meet us and collect the turkey order form. At which point, he would return to the basement to finish and pay for the rest of the shopping (_with Itachi's card, I might add!_) before heading over to wait in the mile-long pre-order queue because Itachi and I had screwed up. Or at least, that's what he said.

Kisame can be such a whiny bitch sometimes. Seriously, it wasn't even our fault! I mean, _we_ are the ones having to sit here in an overcrowded Starbucks, wasting our valuable time by generously waiting for _him_ because he'll need a ride back to Port Town with all the groceries.

Stupid Kisame.

LATER:

6:15pm

Itachi and Kisame are in the kitchen, chopping vegetables to make soup and being short with one another. I have been excused this duty because I had to run down to the local pet store to buy a litter-tray for Mallory when Zaku turned up at the door with him not long ago. Yes. You heard me. _My Mallory is here!_

How did this most wonderful of events come to pass? I'll tell you.

When we got home about half an hour ago, there was a card for me sitting on the doormat from the boss. Fortunately, I was first in and was able to check for mail (first, because Itachi and Kisame were too busy having a passive-aggressive bitch-fest in the garage to pick up any bags and help). I was glad, for Itachi would definitely have recognised it, as the boss had, indeed, addressed it by hand.

The sight of it gave me butterflies, and I decided to avoid opening it until I had attended to absolutely every other duty that was required of me in the house. To keep the card safe and away from the prying eyes of my over-protective brother, I dashed upstairs and hid it in my underpants drawer (he would never go there – not for anything) before heading back down to help put away the groceries and be ordered around by Itachi.

Not opening the card was a mistake, as the doorbell rang whilst sous-chefs Kisame and I were in the middle of chopping and washing leeks under order of executive chef Uchiha Itachi.

"Itachi, I'm not getting the door," Kisame announced loudly, up to his elbows in leek-infested, lukewarm water.

"Well, I am busy, Kisame," my brother answered in his customary monotone, concentrating hard on whisking his egg-whites to the perfect consistency for the bitter, dark-chocolate mousse we will be having tomorrow. "Sasuke will have to answer it. Sasuke? Please go and answer the door."

"It'd better not be the others. They're _far_ too early..."

Wiping my hands and tossing my dishcloth on the counter, I trudged out to the front door, scowling and rather fed-up of being bossed around by my brother. Rolling my eyes, I undid the lock and opened the door.

It was Zaku, the boss's driver. I almost freaked and slammed the door in his face. Fortunately, he spoke first, thus saving me from accidentally breaking any noses or other important, facial bones.

"Uchiha-san. Thank god," he said, in his usual surly manner, stubbing out his cigarette and putting it behind his ear. "Thought I'd got the wrong house. I've got something for you from the boss. Hold on a sec."

He disappeared round the corner for a moment – presumably where he parked the car. When he reappeared, carrying a cat box in his hands, I almost wept with joy. I could hear Mallory mewing inside. At the sound of my fluffy one in transit-related distress, my inner-parent was kicked into action. I sprinted outside in my bare feet and snatched the box from Zaku. He laughed and rolled his eyes.

"Oh my god, Zaku," I exclaimed, giddy with this unexpected surprise. "Thank you, seriously..."

"It was nothing," he replied, smugly. "Have a good holiday, y'hear?"

"I will now!" I called out. "Thanks again!"

The second I got inside, I opened the cage door. Mallory came bounding out and recognised me immediately. Tears came to my eyes, I swear to god, and I picked him up and gave him the biggest cuddle and told him how much I'd missed him and that I was sorry I had to leave him in Otogakure and that I'd never leave him again because he was the most clever, most beautiful and most awesome cat in the whole wide world. I must have been creating a bit of a commotion, as Itachi and Kisame abandoned their respective culinary projects – probably to see who in the hell I was talking to.

Kisame smiled when he spotted Mallory squirming in my arms and turned to Itachi and said, "Well, well. This is an interesting development. Are you going to let him keep it?"

It did not even cross my mind that Itachi might not want an animal in the house. In his lovely, new, freakishly clean house, minus cat hairs or any other fibrous material of an animal nature. I know how much my brother hates cast hairs lying around on floors and fabrics and surfaces. He has an abhorrence for them bordering on pathological. For example, he woke me up at five in the morning, not two weeks prior, to tell me that he did not appreciate my tendency to leave my pubic hairs scattered about the bathroom and that, in future, we would be using separate soaps, since he was particularly disturbed by one of my short and curlies cheekily greeting him as he worked up a lather to wash his face one dark, fateful morning. I don't even know how he knew for sure they were mine. For one, ours look exactly the same, and Kisame had also used the shower the night before, so I don't know where he got off on laying the sole blame on me.

At any rate, my brother does not like loose hairs. Thus, I felt I had to convince him.

"Itachi, please..." I begged, clutching a squirming, kicking feline to my chest. "He'll be no trouble, honest. Mallory likes you! You've met him before! Oh, Itachi, please let him stay. I'll keep the place absolutely spotless, honest. I'll vacuum everywhere he goes. I'll even keep him in one room if you like, and I'll buy a litter box and all the things he needs."

In the end, my impassioned speech was not necessary. It was not the cat he was worried about.

"How did he get here?" Itachi asked, holding up a hand and interrupting me. His eyes kept flitting to the front door.

"What? Oh, Zaku brought him over in a cat box. He must have driven here from Otogakure."

"Who is Zaku?"

"The boss's driver."

"And no one else was with him?"

"You mean like Orochimaru-sama."

"Yes, Sasuke. Exactly like Orochimaru."

"Not as far as I know. If he was in the car, he didn't come anywhere near the house, but—" I was momentarily cut off as my brother swept past me, opened the door and performed a cursory 'look left, look right, look left again' security check, "— but it's rather unlikely, since he always spends Christmas in Otogakure now and he wouldn't be travelling this close to the big day."

Satisfied that the boss wasn't lurking around the perimeter, waiting to do god-knows-whatever my brother was thinking, Itachi slammed the door, locked it, _and_ slipped the chain on for good measure. Then he turned and surveyed me in his usual impassive manner. I was still holding Mallory, and he began to yowl in protest. I grinned in what I hoped was an encouraging manner.

"Please, Itachi?"

My winning smile earned me victory.

In response, my brother sighed, shrugged and said, "Very well. Go to the pet store this instant and buy him a litter tray. I will not have any accidents. And do not be overly long. I will be needing your help later on to make the chocolate quinelles."

Beaming, I thanked my brother, flipped Kisame off for his shit-stirring antics, released Mallory (he was _this_ close to clawing my face off, I could feel it) and dashed upstairs to choose appropriate outerwear and collect Itachi's car keys from his room. While deliberating over whether or not I should wear my leather jacket or my Konoha University one, I suddenly remembered with a pang the boss's card, languishing in the depths of my underwear drawer. I figured that since he had been in a kind enough mood to forward all my Christmas cards (and my cat), he probably wouldn't have spat on the paper and sent it to me. I'm not going to lie to you. I had been secretly dreading he'd do just that.

I opened it in the car after I'd purchased and stowed Mallory's new possessions securely in the back. It's safe to say I'm glad I had the relative privacy of the Bentley. The car park was quite busy, what with the multitude of indulgent pet-owners rushing to buy their pets some last-minute Christmas treats, but no one, in their single-minded haste, paid any attention to a frustrated, tearful, twenty-something office worker bashing his forehead against the steering wheel of a borrowed car. Not even when one particular bash accidentally caused the horn to toot.

The card was another grey bear number, depicting the unfortunate, unloved little creature sitting in a pile of snow, all alone, wearing a santa hat. I knew _exactly_ what this card meant, as I had considered sending it myself earlier in the week.

Nervous, I opened it. The left hand side was crammed to the corners with the boss's slanting hand. Obviously, he had a lot he felt he needed to say to me. Steeling myself, I read.

----

Sasuke-kun,

After much deliberation, I have decided to send Mallory to you. This is not because I cannot abide him, or because I have grown weary having him taken care of. It is because he reminds me of you, and I miss you so terribly that the mere sight or sound of him padding about my home causes me an undue amount of distress. He reminds me of you, my beautiful Sasuke-kun. Of the good, of the bad – of everything that is you. Knowing this, I tried to keep Mallory away from me, to the extent that I would go out of my way to avoid him in my own home. Unfortunately for me, your cat was intent upon seeking me out. Everywhere I went, Mallory would follow me, like a little shadow, mewling and staring at me with accusing eyes that asked where his Sasuke-kun was. I had to tell him that I did not know, and that it was because of me that his Sasuke-kun was gone – because my affection for his Sasuke-kun was so strong it clouded my judgement and caused me to do and say things I deeply regret. Even after I confessed to Mallory my misdeeds, he followed me still. I suppose he was lonely and missed his Sasuke-kun. We had something in common. Out of a sense of duty, I tolerated his presence. I took it upon myself to feed him, groom him and play with him, even though it tortured me to do so. However, when I awoke one morning to find him curled up, asleep, upon my chest, I could take it no more. I sent him to you because he needs you, because he misses you, and because I thought that if at least one of us were to be with you, it should be the more deserving.

I miss you, Sasuke-kun. I cannot function without you. You are my sun. I beg you to believe me when I say it.

All my love,

Orochimaru.

----

I can draw only one conclusion from this message, carefully written inside my Christmas card – that he is sorry and wants me back. A part of me, I must confess, has longed for this – not just because I retain niggling, nocturnal fantasies about getting back together again, but also because it allays one of my greatest fears about this whole sorry mess: that after three years worth of (mostly) solid relationship, he no longer cares for me. The prospect of him being able to brush all that aside as if it did not matter was horrible. The thought of him walking past me in the corridor at work, offering me only a slight, awkward nod in acknowledgement of my existence, pained me. Obviously, my fears were unfounded, and for that, I am relieved.

However, and this is a _big_ "however"... I don't think I can forgive him for what he did to me. I can just about see myself letting the whole cheating thing go (and coming from me, that is saying something), but that he was willing to wreck my life to have me to himself? And I when I say 'wreck it', I mean _really_ wreck it, big style.

I'll need to think about this. I'll need to think about this long and hard. I suppose, though, that I'm fortunate enough to have the time and space to do so right here at my beloved big brother's. Or at least I will after the Akatsuki lot have checked out. No doubt, I am going to have to spend an inordinate amount of time answering a host of very intrusive, personal questions regarding my presence here in Konoha and not with the boss – all this whilst attending to making two batches of fresh cranberry sauce. (Yes, we did end up choosing fresh. As the most experienced cook, Itachi pulled rank and said fresh or nothing – to hell with democracy! – and now I have to make the damned stuff.)

It's going to be a long night.

Oh well. At least I have Mallory. And if any of them give me any crap, I'll set him on them and he can cover them in loose hairs. That'll teach them.

LATER

11:15pm

Akatsuki arrived right on time at eight o'clock, and have already taken over the entire house. Sasori is out on the porch, smoking in the driving rain; Zetsu is up in his room doing god knows what; and Hidan is in the kitchen with Kisame, Kakuzu and Itachi, loudly proclaiming that he is "only doing this Christmas thing for the food and the presents" and that we're all godless pagans etc. etc. I was dismissed from the kitchen earlier and replaced by Kakuzu because I was not peeling chestnuts fast enough for Itachi's liking, and have subsequently spent much of my time in the living room with Deidara. (Deidara is still banned from cooking ever since the infamous Christmas when he ruined the turkey and we had to have frozen beefburgers instead.)

I must say, we had a rather interesting chat.

After I stomped out of the kitchen, angrily yelling that "I didn't want to peel any fucking chestnuts, anyway!" I headed straight for the living room, intent on throwing myself upon the sofa next to the window in a melodramatic fashion. Deidara was already in there, and he watched my minor tantrum unfold with a gleeful glint in his eye.

"Did brother kick you out, ickle Sauce?"

"Yes," I said acidly, my face buried into a mound of neutral-coloured cushions that Itachi had picked specially because they were boring. "Fucking chestnuts. And don't call me Sauce."

"Why not?"

"Just shut up, Deidara. I'm not in the mood."

"Wow. I think someone put his grumpy pants on this morning..."

When I didn't answer, content to wallow in a mulish silence, I heard Deidara sigh and say, "You're no fun, Sasuke. If I got you a drink, would you be any more fun?"

I muttered something in a non-committal manner that Deidara evidently interpreted as an affirmative response.

"It's settled then. So where does your obsessive-compulsive brother keep the booze? Because, you know, if it's in the kitchen, I think you'll have to go get it. Itachi threw a fork at me last year for trespassing, and the graze didn't go away for ages."

Despite my brother being strictly tee-total (alcohol has never passed his lips because he does not like the thought of losing his self-control) he has always kept alcohol around for the benefit of any guests. I waved my hand in the general direction of the drinks cabinet and, a few minutes later, I found a snowball placed on the coffee table in front of me. Advocaat, lemonade, and a touch of lime-juice shaken and poured over ice. The perfect, festive way to get rat-arsed.

Groaning, I sat up and picked up my drink. Deidara was sitting on the rug by the fire, cross-legged, with his hair pulled back into his usual high ponytail. I couldn't help but notice his DIY t-shirt, which probably began its life as a plain white tee, but had the words "KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL" written all over it in black marker pen.

"Um... nice shirt," I said, sipping my drink. My snowball really was rather good.

"Thanks," Deidara said, smiling. "I made it myself."

That he had made it himself was self-evident, but I didn't say anything.

There was a brief silence, during which we both sat and listened to the fire crackling and Deidara, no doubt, thought of the best way to phrase what he was about to say to me. He was obviously unable to contain it any longer.

"So..." he ventured innocently, breaking the silence. "Have you talked to him lately?"

"Talked to who?" I asked, my brow knitting together in genuine puzzlement.

Deidara grinned wickedly.

"Oro, of course! Who else would I be talking about?"

I felt a flash of irritation. Why was he asking me this? What business of it was his if I had talked to the boss or not?

"No, I haven't talked to him," I bit back. "Why, have you?"

"Yup!" he said cheerfully. "Saw him last week, actually."

It's hard to keep your tone casual when your insides suddenly decide to rebel and trigger an emotional uprising in the form of a squeeze of dread.

"Oh, and what was the occasion?"

"Why, the Oto-Enterprises Christmas party, of course!" Deidara said, taking another sip of his drink and wiping the froth from his upper lip. "Damn, I make a good snowball! I could make you a white Russian next, if Itachi'll let me borrow some milk. How about it?"

Ignoring Deidara's deliberate change in tack (and it was deliberate, he's cleverer than he looks), I pressed him for details. I knew this was exactly the reaction he wanted from me, but I didn't care. I wanted to know.

"What happened at the party?" I said, with a little more force than I intended.

Deidara smiled a smug, secretive smile and said nothing.

"Deidara," I began, leaning forward and smiling ever-so-sweetly, "if you don't tell me what happened at that party, I'll pee in that corner over there and tell Itachi you did it."

Holding his hands up in a conciliatory gesture, he grinned and said, "Okay, okay! Jeez... Calm down, Saucy-kins. I was going to tell you anyway."

"Yes, I know you were," I said, waspishly. "What can I say? I'm impatient. So spill it," I added, folding my arms. "What happened?"

"Nothing much, actually," he replied, with a sigh. "It was boring. Oro, in particular, was boring. He sat there all night with a sour look on his face and snapped at everyone, especially Kimimaro. Poor kid..."

My stomach did a forlorn, little flip at the mention of Kimimaro.

"Did he arrive with him, then?" I asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"Yessss..." Deidara said hesitantly.

"But?"

"Well, I don't know about the others, but it was obvious as hell to Sasori-danna and I that Oro just did not want to be there. I'm guessing Kimi managed to drag him out to try and cheer him up. Ha! Big mistake."

"Why? What happened?"

"Well, basically, Oro just treated him like shit the whole night. You know that way he gets when he's fallen out with you and does not want anything to do with you?"

I rolled my eyes and nodded.

"The venomous one-word answers. The gratuitous eye-rolling. The verbal italics," I said, describing the boss's moody turns to a tee since I knew them so very well. I offered a few choice phrases as examples. " 'Yes. No. Shut up. Why? I don't _think_ so...' Any of those ring a bell?"

Deidara smiled wryly.

"Yup. He pretty much used all of them on Kimi in one go. The poor kid ended up leaving early, in tears."

"Well that's not my problem," I said truculently, refusing to feel any sympathy for him. "He wanted to go out with him. If you can't take the heat, you shouldn't be in the damned kitchen in the first place."

"I'm not saying it's your problem," Deidara sang, with a secretive smile. "I'm saying _you_ were someone else's problem."

"What do you mean?"

Deidara grinned and launched into his story, complete with characteristic lively gestures and real-time actions. He told me how, at the time of the party, he had no idea I was no longer living in Otogakure, and how he had committed a grave social faux-pas by sneaking up behind his host and greeting him by slapping him squarely on the backside, after which he felt it proper to announce, loudly, so that everyone in the room could hear, "That was for Sasuke!"

When the boss drew him a filthy look and swept off without a word, he knew something was amiss. Instead, however, of maintaining a safe distance until he was certain what that something was, Deidara skipped after him, danced around him and prodded him in the ribs. Deidara admonished the boss for being dull, and, having stolen a quick look around, inquired as to my then current whereabouts because he couldn't see me hanging around. The boss was rather short with him and replied that the reason he could not see me was because I was not there. Deidara then laughingly asked him if that was because he had pissed me off and I had refused to come, at which point the boss sort of exploded in his face and informed him, in no uncertain terms, that the reason I was not at the party was because I was no longer in Otogakure.

The boss, he said, then swept off to his table where he sat drinking for the rest of the night, biting the head off anyone who was foolish enough to attempt conversation.

"And?" I said, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, I get what you're trying to say. The boss was pissed off and miserable because I wasn't there. What do you want me to do about it?"

"Oh, Sasuke," he sighed. "Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke. I want you to realise what it _means_. You get it, but you don't _really_ get it..."

At that point, I was getting damn tired of all his mysterious crap and just wanted him to spill it.

"Fine, Deidara!" I snapped. "I don't get it. Be my walking, talking elucidator and tell me. If you don't, then I'm done with this conversation."

Leaning forward, his eyes glinting with a sly, secret knowledge beholden only to himself – the Grand High Gossip-Monger – he said, "Oro has never, and I mean _never_, been so hung up on anyone before."

I opened my mouth to protest, but Deidara held up a finger, silencing me.

"Sasuke, you don't know about his other break-ups. I do. I remember him breaking up with Kabuto when he hired Kimi. I remember him taking Kabuto back whenever Kimi showed signs of not wanting to be treated like a doormat. It was like a revolving door, I kid you not! I remember the cheating, the fighting, the bitching and all of that stuff. They were both _really_ into him – but he didn't care. Hell, whenever we both happened to meet for some stupid business reason, we'd hook up, and he'd sit there in bed afterwards and talk to me about it. And he laughed.

"It was all a game to him, Sasuke! He loved playing them off against each other. He wanted to see how far they would go to please him. When he finally ground Kimi down, and the kid decided he had to get away, Oro had already been making plans to hire you. I guess you were supposed to be another pretty, little thing to play with. But it didn't quite turn out that way, did it?"

When I didn't respond, Deidara chattered on to fill the silence.

"I really don't know what you've done to him," Deidara said, frankly. "But I've never seen him like this before. I hesitate to say it, ickle-Sauce, but I think you may have done the impossible."

Then he leaned forward and, leering at me, performed a spooky, wiggly hand movement and said, "You have reached Oro..."

I wanted to smack Deidara then. I wanted to reach over the coffee table, grab his head and force it repeatedly into its hard, unyielding, oaken surface. How dare he presume to know the inner workings of the boss's mind? How dare he bring up everything I had spent months trying to forget? How dare he give me hope – something I had neither sought nor asked for!

"I think you should talk to him," Deidara finished, downing the last of his snowball.

"Deidara," I said, quietly but firmly, "you don't know what he did to me."

"Yes I do. Kabuto told me."

"No," I repeated, with more vigour. "You don't know what he did to me. You weren't there. And if you were, you'd understand why I'm here and not with him. This isn't something I've just done on a whim to piss him off. This isn't me being a stupid, spoiled brat – which, for some reason, people seem to think I am. This is real. This is a real, conscious decision that I have made, and one that, frankly, I have fought fucking hard for, okay? Right now, I'm still thinking about what I'm going to do, but I'm back to work in January, and I'll probably talk to him then. Satisfied?"

If Deidara intended to protest and head down the road of no return (at the end of which waited my fist, clenched and ready to pummel him out of existence) the moment passed, as Sasori sauntered in, sat down and flicked on the TV. The only sign that anything significant had passed between us was Deidara's vague smile and my resolute, stony silence.

I was glad Sasori had interrupted, as the TV proved a wonderful distraction. Turns out there was a documentary on about the history of religious iconography, which, of course, Sasori and Deidara started arguing about, because of their differing views on what constitutes art (I do not want to know how they continue to function as an artists' duo. Their professional relationship must be stormy at best.) In the kitchen, above the noise and clatter of pots and pans, Hidan's Righteousness Radar must have picked up Heathen Signals, and he came stomping through – a damp dishcloth flung over his shoulder – and made the whole thing a religious issue. Naturally, this offended Deidara and his "right to be irreligious", and Sasori got mad because they wouldn't shut up and let him watch his show. He consequently turned up the volume to an ear-splitting one-hundred, which riled both Deidara and Hidan who defended their "right to argue", and forced me to flee to the kitchen because I couldn't take any more of their immature crap.

I _willingly chose_ to return to the steaming hellhole that is the kitchen, run by my authoritarian, autocrat brother, to make two batches of fresh cranberry sauce. Anything not to have to listen to Hidan going on and on and on about his dumb cult at the top of his retarded voice.

This is one of those times I wish I smoked. Then I'd have an excuse to escape to the porch and not beat everyone to death.

Hmmm... There is a baseball bat under Itachi's bed. I saw it when I was changing his sheets not long ago. And I know he has a gun somewhere.

I must not kill.

I must not kill.

I must not kill.

LATER:

1:34am

I must admit, I'm feeling a bit better now and less inclined to murder. The turkey is ready to be roasted in the oven and everything that can be pre-prepared is prepped, covered in cling-film and set to go in the fridge. Itachi let the others away at around midnight once every dish and utensil had been washed and put away in its proper place, and they all sauntered through into the living room. Deidara made more snowballs (and some lemonade for Itachi) and we watched some TV.

After a while, Kakuzu announced that he wanted to play a game. Everyone present protested, naturally, since we're not really charades and 'who's in the bag?' types. Ignoring us entirely, Kakuzu disappeared up to his room "to bring it down" and reappeared a few minutes later with a blank DVD. With an evil glint in his eye, Kakuzu shoved it into the player and informed us that we were all playing: no ifs, ands, or buts. This would turn out to be no ordinary game.

The content of the game and its rules were simple. Kakuzu had scraped choice clips of incredibly disturbing, hardcore porn from the anus of the internet and had anthologised them in DVD format. The clips were structured on a gradually ascending cline of filth, and we were promised, by the end, that we would be scarred for life. The aim of the game was to endure watching said disturbing clips, and the last one to retch would win the right to open presents first in the morning.

With a certain tedious inevitability, Hidan won the game outright. I seriously think there is something mentally wrong with him. Zetsu and Kisame crumbled at the stump-licking scene from _Cradle of Fear_ (lightweights) and Itachi and I caved at _Two Girls, One Cup_ (I cannot watch that clip. It is hands down the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. My brother, with his obsession for hygiene, was deeply traumatised and had to leave the room and fix himself a cup of tea in the kitchen.) For a while, it looked to be a stalemate between Sasori, Deidara and Hidan, but the two former winced at the prolapsed rectum ramming, leaving the latter victorious and hankering for more.

Hidan is up in Kakuzu's room right now – both of them hunched over a laptop and putting Kakuzu's external, terabyte hard-drive through its paces. I can hear them laughing through the wall. I do not want to know what they're watching.

This, by the way, is a very typical Akatsuki Christmas. While other families get together to have dinner, play wholesome games and sing carols, I'm stuck here with seven degenerate men who feel Hardcore Porn Tolerance is an acceptable, festive pastime. You would think I'd be used to them by now, but no. They never fail to find new ways to cross the fuzzy, moral line of social acceptability.

Oh well. At least I got a few laughs out of it. Round the twenty second mark of two girls, one cup is the most expressive I have seen Itachi in a long time. Watching his face morph from indifference to nauseated horror caused me to laugh so hard I almost cracked a rib.

I guess I'll sign off here while I'm in a good mood. The anti-Kakuzu security measures are in place (a chair up against the door and a trip-wire improvised from shoelaces) and Mallory is safely installed in his new cat bed. Barring any inconvenient dreams – I expect to sleep soundly tonight.

Until tomorrow!

December 25th

Christmas Day

12:24pm

There is an element of tradition one must observe when participating in an Akatsuki Christmas, and there is one golden rule which must be obeyed over all others. That rule states that no one must rise before ten. In the event that a given individual does rise before ten, that individual must adhere to a certain code of conduct. Namely, that they shall – without waking anyone else – go downstairs to the kitchen, boil the kettle for teas and coffees, and wait quietly until everyone else is awake and ready to face the day.

I love this tradition, as it meant I was able to roll out of bed at eleven, trudge downstairs in my towelled robe and collect a hot mug of coffee, freshly made by Zetsu, before we all filed into the living room to sit down and open presents.

There is another tradition that is an essential part of any Akatsuki Christmas, and that is our method of gift-giving. Since the Akatsuki Group higher-ups are all pretty well-off, and it proves difficult to buy something for them they don't already have, we have had to come up with a system for gift-giving. This is known as the "In-Joke Rule," which dictates that your present must be i) retarded, ii) creative, and iii) both of the former qualities whilst remaining relevant to the receiver. Of course, we get each other a few normal presents, but the highlight is always the joke gift.

Suffice it to say, I got a few interesting presents this year. I shall present this year's haul in a convenient list-format.

The Joke-Haul

1. A working man-trap from Zetsu (I don't know what he was implying with that.)

2. "Tampon Ghosts" from Hidan (basically, he just opened a box of tampons, fluffed them out and stuck a bunch of plastic, googly eyes on them. How that is relevant to me, I have no idea, but it did make me laugh.)

3. A hand-crafted voodoo doll, plus pointy needles of doom, from Sasori (I don't know why he put this down as a joke present. I am _so_ going to use this one...)

4. A big jar of pickles from Itachi (my brother knows me too well.)

5. A signed photo of Kenny G from Kisame (ugh... I wonder what musty, back-alley charity shop he dug that up from?)

6. From Kakuzu, a ¥1 coin taped to a piece of printer paper saying I've to withhold it from the charity of my choice.

7. And to top it all off, a pair of shiny black hotpants from Deidara.

On my part, I decided to set a theme for my joke gifts and gave each of them a brutal-looking dildo. I found a glossy black one called "Big Ben" for Itachi, one shaped like a shark for Kisame, a corn-cob "Hyper Wank Device" for Zetsu, a "Foot Long Double Dong" for Kakuzu, the extendable "Pinocchio" with attachments for Sasori, a truly terrifying, black, spiky monstrosity called "The Destroyer" for Hidan (I had reservations about giving it to him, but I couldn't think what else to buy him), and for Deidara, I lovingly gift-wrapped a bright pink "King Kong" and put a little bow on top.

The dildos went down rather well, especially with Deidara. For him, the present was quite useful, since, it turns out, he has a collection of outlandish sex toys hidden away in a dark closet in his house in Iwagakure. I would say "Who knew?" but this is Deidara we're talking about. Of course he collects dildos. My brother, on the other hand, was initially puzzled and seemed unable to decide what to do with his, but he went upstairs later and put it on his bookcase with the beanie cat I got him two years ago. I can imagine him now in a few months' time, experiencing a real dilemma as to whether or not he should pick it up and give it a dust in case it unleashes repressed, sexual urges.

Oh well. I'd better get going. Dinner is in an hour and I've to help Itachi plate up. I must be back in his good graces after the chestnuts. I'll write later if anything interesting happens!

LATER:

3:15pm

Something interesting has happened.

The boss is standing out in the front garden. Apparently, he won't leave until he gets a chance to speak to me. Port Town is enduring a battering from a ferocious, coastal storm at the moment; the rain pouring from the iron-grey sky in great wavering sheets. I can see big, fat droplets of the stuff bouncing off the next door neighbour's crazy paving, creating an all-encompassing, murky, foot-high haze of water-vapour. It's cold too. The wind is howling, and he doesn't have an umbrella.

Peeking out between the blinds in Kisame's room, I can see him. He's stopped shouting my name and has moved from his spot on the lawn to the bench across the street. He's sitting on it, hunched over, his knees pulled into his chest for warmth. He must have got dressed for Christmas this morning, as he's wearing his beautiful black and gold kimono and an elaborately tied obi. The whole thing will be soaked through by now – most likely ruined.

If he stays out there, he's going to catch pneumonia and end up in hospital again. Why does he continue to believe he is immune to the elements? What does he think he's doing, the moron?

LATER:

3:56pm

It was during dinner that we first heard the hammering on the door. I couldn't hear anything initially because Sasori had leaned over the table and grabbed Hidan by the collar for spearing the back of his hand with a fork (Hidan vociferously denied malice aforethought, stating that he genuinely mistook his colleague's hand for a potato. Granted, the roast potatoes _were_ sat close to Sasori, but no one is that thick. Not even Hidan.) With effort, the rest of us managed to get them to simmer down. It was only then we heard knocking at the door.

"My god," Kisame snapped. "Who the hell is that? Don't they realise we might be busy right now?"

With a small, exasperated sigh, Itachi played the responsible host and set his down his cutlery to answer the door. Eyebrows were raised all around the table when the sound of my brother's voice, raised in anger, drifted through into the dining room.

"_You stay away from here! Do not set one foot into my home, or I shall call the constabulary! Never come here again, do you understand me? Never!"_

My brother displaying any sort of emotion is a rare occurrence indeed. Naturally, it inspired debate back at the table.

"That was a bit harsh," Kisame said, through a mouthful of mashed potatoes. "Probably only charity workers looking for cash."

"What, today?" Deidara scoffed. "I don't think so."

"Why not today? I've had people turn up at my door on Christmas."

"Yeah, but it's pissing down," Hidan added. "Only nut-jobs would be out on a day like this."

"Then what is the resident nut-job doing inside?" Sasori interjected. He was obviously still sore about the whole hand/potato mix-up.

Unrepentant, Hidan grinned, shoved a forkful of turkey in his mouth and, spraying food everywhere, sang, "Suck my cock, Sasori!"

"Charity workers _are_ nut-jobs," Kakuzu said calmly, turning the attention on himself and thus deftly averting another Hidan-Sasori fracas. "They will walk through fire to get their hands on your cash and your cast-offs."

"Yeah, but will they walk through water?" Hidan retorted. "It's like fucking Atlantis out there!"

"Ha. You think we'll see Sponge Bob then?" Zetsu said, with a grin.

"Don't be a moron," Deidara replied, with an oddly sniffy expression. "Sponge Bob lives in Bikini Bottom, not Atlantis."

"Oh, right. So you know where Bikini Bottom is, relative to Atlantis? Bikini Bottom doesn't even exist!"

"Neither does Atlantis, you dumbass!"

Out in the hall, the front door slammed shut so hard it rattled on its hinges. After a moment, Itachi re-appeared. He never said a word, and his expression was resolutely wooden. Picking up his knife and fork, he attacked his meal in a determined manner and did not meet anyone's eye.

"Who was that then?" I asked, risking it because I am his little brother and he's not allowed to do anything bad to me.

"The Salvation Army, Sasuke," was his bald reply.

When the insistent hammering on the door recommenced, he added, "Pay no heed to them."

"Told you it was charity," Kakuzu said, with an air of smugness. "Bastards don't know when to quit."

"Well, I still think it was a bit harsh," Kisame replied.

"You've got to tell them outright, Kisame. These people never take no for an answer. Itachi did the right thing."

Meanwhile, the banging was growing louder. I began to doubt the veracity of Itachi's statement, but my brother was not open to questioning. When I leaned over and whispered to him, asking if it really was a Salvation Army worker, he pretended he hadn't heard me and asked if I could pass the cranberry sauce.

That was when I started to hear the voices – or what I thought were the voices. It began as a niggling, little thing – barely on the cusp of audibility. It sounded like someone was shouting my name from far away.

"_Sasuke! Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kunnnnnnnn...!"_

I risked a quick glance around the table. Could anyone else hear it? No. It didn't appear so, for the rest of them had launched into a debate about the right of tabard-wearing charity workers to solicit donations on busy thoroughfares. Taking a deep breath, I reached for the gravy and pretended nothing was wrong, repeating over and over again in my mind the words _"It's all in your imagination. It's all in your imagination. You cannot hear voices. You cannot hear voices..."_

My mental, consolatory reasoning, however, did not have the desired effect. Far from banishing the voice (because by then I had distinguished that it was voice singular, not plural) it grew louder and more insistent, as though the owner of the voice was coming closer, but was still far away.

"_Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kun!"_

It was then that I realised to whom the voice belonged. With a terrible flash of recognition, I discerned the boss's familiar tone: hoarse, yet strangely smooth with a sibilant lilt to it. A hot, prickling feeling of dread stole over me. Now I was certain. I was going mad. Not content with invading my dreams, thoughts of the boss were now altering my waking senses. I was hallucinating him!

My cutlery fell from my hands with a clatter as I leant my elbows on the table and shoved my fingers in my ears. Affirmative action, thy name is Uchiha Sasuke! If I really was going mad, then I wouldn't go down without a fight! Mercifully, with my fingers in my ears the boss's voice stopped, and I felt a moment's relief. This lasted until Kakuzu looked up from across the table, puzzled, cocking his head to one side as though he could hear something. Then I heard him say, his voice low and fuzzy through my determinedly closed ears, "Is that Oro?"

The rabble of conversation lulled. Each Akatsuki member pricked up their ears and listened. With a strange, hollow feeling settling in the pit of my stomach, I uncovered my own and joined them. Beside me, Itachi was still pretending there was nothing amiss.

"_Sasuke! Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kunnnnnnn!"_

"Oh my god... that _is_ Oro," Deidara said after a while. Then he turned to look at me with a wicked grin and added, "Whatever could he want, I wonder?"

It was official.

The boss _was_ here. He was here, outside my brother's house on Christmas Day in the pouring rain and calling my name at the top of his voice. I was not going mad – that was a good thing – but I wasn't sure if the alternative was any better...

Everyone was looking at me. For the first time since I can remember, I blushed a deep, furious red and began to fidget. I could feel their curious, gleeful gazes boring into me, seeking trouble and strife. I could sense each and every one of their malicious, Cheshire cat-like grins spreading over their idiot faces. I could all but hear the cogs turning in their evil, little minds. Well, most of them, at least...

"Heyyyyyy, wait a minute," Hidan said, turning to me as if the proverbial light-bulb had just pinged. "Have you guys broken up?"

There followed a prolonged silence of utter disbelief, during which I actually lifted my head and raised an incredulous brow at Hidan.

"Really, Hidan?" Deidara said, waspishly. "Really?"

"What? I didn't know!"

"You were at the Otogakure Christmas party!"

"Yeah. What about it?"

"Sasuke wasn't there, remember?"

"Yeah?"

"And Oro shouted at me because I spanked his ass and Kabuto told us everything later in the men's room?"

"Well, I wasn't there," Hidan said, turning his nose up and folding his arms.

"We told you after, you moron!" Deidara shrieked, outraged. "I remember! You were sitting right there at the table with Kisame and Kakuzu!"

"Yup. You were," Kakuzu confirmed, which earned him a withering look from Hidan.

"Well, I can't help it if I don't remember!"

"Seriously, Hidan. What university was it you went to again?" Sasori said lazily, leaning back on his chair and inspecting his nails. "Was it one of those ones that used to be a swimming pool in the sixties?"

"Wrong, you smug fuck! I went to Otogakure University. Cram that up your shit-hole."

Amazed, Kisame felt the need to put in his two yen's worth.

"How on earth did _you_ get in _there_?"

"His dad owns the Hot Springs hotel chain," Kakuzu said, which prompted a series of knowing, cynical nods around the table.

"What? What are you all smirking at?" Hidan yelled, banging his fist on the table and upsetting the salt, which Itachi deftly picked up without taking his eyes off his meal. "You think my dad got me into Otogakure? Is that what you think?"

"Yup."

"Well fuck you guys, cos I've got a degree in Business Studies!" Hidan retorted, prodding himself proudly in the chest.

"Translated, that means he knows someone with a degree for Business Studies and a talent for Photoshop," Sasori said acidly.

"Bite me, art fag. The degree is all mine!"

"Then what grade did you get? Depending on your answer, we may or may not believe you."

"I got a third, but don't you dare say anything! I'm not fucking Itachi, am I?"

"Ha, that explains it..." Kisame said, smirking.

"We believe you," Sasori said, with a small smile.

"Hey, fuck you guys! I studied real hard for those exams!"

"I bet he cheated," Zetsu said.

"Yeah, I bet he did too," Deidara chortled. "And he still got a third!"

Normally, the chance to ridicule Hidan would have proven too much of a temptation and I would have joined in the banter with great enthusiasm. This time, however, it was all background noise. I was too busy being caught up in a horrified sort of trance, listening to the boss hammering on the front door and shouting my name. My chest felt uncomfortably tight, and I jumped when I felt Itachi's hand on my arm. When I turned to face him, his expression was grave.

"Sasuke," he said quietly. "Whatever you wish to do about him... it is your decision to make. I will not stop you. However, I want you to remember how he treated you. I want you to remember why you are here. Do you understand me?"

Swallowing, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat, I nodded and said, "I understand."

There followed the most excruciating Christmas dinner I have ever had the misfortune of sitting through. Outside in the rain, the boss was screaming his lungs out and hammering on the door as if his life depended on it, while inside, suddenly not feeling much like eating because I would have rather crawled into a hole and died, I awkwardly pushed my food around my plate and politely refused when Itachi offered me dessert. The rest of Akatsuki were strangely silent for the remainder of the meal. Not because they felt any sympathy for my plight, oh no. It was because they wanted to listen to the boss embarrassing himself.

Hidan was a particular bugbear, and, if I am being completely honest, I would have loved nothing more than to have smashed him through the wall into the boss's waiting arms. He kept giggling and shaking his head every time the boss's mournful, plaintive cries filtered through from outside, and, because he is a loud-mouthed idiot, felt the need to remark on it.

"Hee hee... listen to him go!"

"I know," Kakuzu said. "It's pathetic. Never thought I'd see the day."

At that point, I couldn't take it anymore. Scrunching up my napkin and throwing it on the table, I pushed back my chair and excused myself. Marching straight upstairs, intent on locking myself in my room, I had a change of heart when I remembered you could see the front garden from Kisame's room, so I collected my laptop and holed up there instead. I spent a few minutes watching the boss shout himself hoarse before Kisame came up, closed the blinds and asked if I had developed a taste for masochism. I replied that, no, I had not, and he then said if that were the case, then I shouldn't be torturing myself. It was the boss's problem if he wanted to make an exhibition of himself like that, and it was his problem if he was such a lunatic that he would be willing to stand out in the driving rain and expose himself as one. Shrugging my shoulders, I agreed and moved away from the window. Instead of watching him and tearing myself up doing so, I wrote this entry.

Kisame is still here. Probably supervising me on Itachi's orders (no doubt he accepted the goodwill mission because it gets him out of washing up.) Hidan popped his head around the door not long ago, warning us not to go in the bathroom because, and I quote, he had "just dropped a massive log" and that we'd best "give it twenty minutes."

Ugh...

The man is utterly vile. I cannot believe he has the same degree as me. Although not the same grade. Definitely not the same grade. Let it be known, that I, Uchiha Sasuke, am the proud owner of a first-class honours degree, graduated _summa cum laude_ from the University of Konoha, and was the best graduating business student of that year. We may both have business degrees, but we are worlds apart in intellect and ability. Worlds apart, dammit!

LATER:

4:12pm

I'm still in Kisame's room, but I can hear everything that's going on downstairs. Deidara and Hidan are shouting updates back-and-forth to one another. There is altogether too much delight in their voices.

"_Oh... Oh, Hidan! The neighbours are coming out. The neighbours are coming! And they're... Ha! Oh my god, I see finger-waving! The old bat is actually yelling at Oro!"_

"_No way!"_

"_Yes way. And he's not happy about it. Oh ho ho ho! This is too much! This has gotta be the best Christmas ever!"_

And another moronic exchange not long after:

"_Hidan, I can't see him anymore!"_

"_It's cool, it's cool, I've got him. He's comin' round the back. Wait... Oh my god— Jashin-sama, thank you for this day..."_

"_What is it, what is it? Tell me, dammit!"_

"_Ahahaha! The gate's locked! He's climbing the goddamned fence in that big fancy fucking kimono!"_

"_You're kidding..."_

"_Hell no. Funniest fucking thing I've ever seen! Better tell Itachi to lock the back door, he's almost over."_

I hate listening to them talking about him like that. I hate it. I want to punch them.

Why is he being so ridiculous? He never acts this way. Dammit, I want to march out there right now and slap him. It is deeply embarrassing. Doesn't he realise that? I mean, I know he's probably a little out of sorts, perhaps because he misses me or whatever, but for it to come to this? I told him I would be back in January. I told him! Doesn't it cross his mind that I might miss him too? In fact, I'll state it clearly: I do miss him, but I would never go to such lengths to make that apparent, to him or to anyone. Never. What on earth has happened to him?

God, I want to scream at him for being such a melodramatic ass!

Why is he doing this to himself?

LATER:

8:12pm

In a feat of reckless lunacy that could perhaps rival Hidan, the boss managed to get himself inside the house. At the moment, he's along the corridor having a shower to warm himself up, after having stood out in the freezing rain for five hours. I insisted he leave the bathroom door open, so I can hear the water running. As I suspected, his kimono might very well be ruined – being slathered in mud and soaked through as it is. He left it and all the various accoutrements lying in a squishy puddle on the bathroom floor, and I darted in quickly to retrieve them and hung them up over my radiator. (What can I say? I cannot stand to see a bespoke garment of such imposing beauty go to waste, and will do all I can to save it. I have a weakness for _haute couture_. Don't judge me!)

The extent of the boss's spontaneous bout of madness was revealed about an hour ago, as I was sitting downstairs in the living room having been forced to play Trivial Pursuit by the others. The sand-timer had just about run out on Hidan (his question: name the CEO, chairman and co-founder of Apple Inc. – there really is no hope for him), and Itachi was seconds from calling time when Deidara's phone rang, shattering the tension. Grinning, he uncrossed his legs, stood up and danced out of the room with the phone to his ear.

"I'm just gonna take this, okay guys?" he called out.

"Jeez, Dei!" Hidan yelled angrily. "Do you wanna turn that thing off when I'm trying to concentrate?"

"Time," Itachi announced, as the last grain of sand fell.

"Dammit! Well, who was it then?"

"Steve Jobs."

"Fuck!" Hidan whined, grabbing fistfuls of hair in his hands. "Fuck! I totally knew that!"

"No. You did not."

"Yeah, I did, Itachi. Don't tell me what I know and don't know!"

"But if you had known, you would have answered."

"And I'm answering you right now and telling you to shut your fat, Uchiha pie hole! I just forgot, okay? Is that a crime?"

"No. But how can I know with certainty that what you are saying is true? How can I know if you truly did forget, or whether you are lying to me in order to save face? There is no means to prove it either way. Therefore, I choose to go with my first impression: that you are lying to save face, and you did not, in fact, know the answer to the question."

"God dammit, Itachi, what the hell are you on my case for? We're not even playing in teams! I got the fucking question wrong! You should be happy—!"

Rolling my eyes, I sat back on the couch and was all set to have a long wait until the storm blew over. Instead, Deidara popped his head around the living room door and beckoned me over, mouthing, "Come here!" Itachi was too distracted by the rampant, unrepentant idiocy of Hidan to notice, so, puzzled, I got up and followed Deidara into the kitchen, at which point he handed me his phone and said, "It's Kabuto. He wants to talk to you."

Instantly, with a sinking feeling, I knew why. His motive for calling was as clear as day: the boss had run away to find me without telling anyone where he was going. I imagined those who were likely with him at Otogakure – Sarutobi, Mrs Sarutobi, Tsunade, Dan, probably Kimimaro – were searching for him frantically, to no avail. Shrewd as he is, Kabuto no doubt guessed the boss would be with me, but that I had not turned on my phone for over two months posed a problem. Luckily for him, he had Deidara on speed-dial...

With the phone under my nose, I felt suddenly nervous and began to protest. Deidara, however, ignored me entirely, shoved the phone into my hands and waltzed back into the living room, leaving me with it. I stared at it for a while, listening to Kabuto saying "Hello? Hello, Deidara? Are you there? Hello?"

Then I sighed, put the phone to my ear and answered.

"Hey, Kabuto. It's me."

"Sasuke?"

"Hi."

He cut straight to the chase.

"Sasuke, is Orochimaru-sama with you? He said he was going out to check on the specimens down in the labs this morning and never came back. He's left his phone in the TV room. We're all worried sick."

I sighed again, running a hand through my hair.

"You don't have to worry, Kabuto," I replied, wearily. "He's here. Well... sort of..."

"What do you mean, 'sort of?' "

Despite not being in the same country as one another, I still felt the need to shuffle my feet in an uncharacteristically bashful manner as I replied, "Well, he's... umm... sort of standing out in the back garden."

There was a stunned silence at the other end of the line, and I felt compelled to talk to fill the lull in conversation.

"It's really wet out there," I added, awkwardly. "Um, I think he might need an umbrella or something."

"Sasuke, it is December! What is he doing standing out in your brother's back garden!" Kabuto yelled.

"Um, well... I think he wants to talk to me."

"Then damned well talk to him!"

"Itachi won't let him in – and I don't know if I want to let him in either..."

At the other end of the line, Kabuto snarled in frustration. Then he recovered himself and said levelly, "Sasuke, we both know what he's like, correct? We both know that Orochimaru-sama is inclined to extreme behaviour, yes? Then you know that, even if you refuse to see him, he will stand out there all night, regardless of the toll it will take on his mental and physical health, and, as a result, he will probably die of exposure. Do you want that to happen?"

"No!"

"Then make your decision and tell your brother to let him in, or I'll come over there myself and break all his windows? Do you understand?"

I rolled my eyes and muttered a grudging, affirmative response. I hate being bossed around by Kabuto.

"Good. Tell Orochimaru-sama to call me later to let me know he's alive."

And he hung up, leaving me standing there, seething, in the kitchen. Why was he treating me like the whole thing was my problem? It wasn't my problem! If anything, it was _his_ problem for letting the boss slip away unnoticed if he had been harbouring doubts about the boss's continued ability to make rational judgements.

Irritated, pressured, and stressed out of my mind, I trudged back into the living room and threw myself onto the sofa beside Itachi. Fortunately, the storm of an argument which had been threatening turned out to be but a brief shower, and the members Akatsuki were playing nice once more.

"Okay, right... so that's a brown cheese wedge for you, Dei—" Kakuzu said, adding, "— dammit, cat! Stop climbing over the board!" as Mallory leapt onto the coffee table and scattered playing pieces.

"Woo hoo! Who's the daddy of art and literature? Me, that's who!"

"So, whose turn is it to roll? Kisame? Fine then, you're next. Where's the dice?"

"I think I rolled it waaaaay over here by the window!" Deidara said, with a wicked grin. "Why, I think while I'm over there, I'll check up on old Whoro to see how he's getting on."

"Deidara, don't," I insisted, growing angrier by the second.

"Yeah, don't be a pain in the ass," Hidan agreed. "We're playing this now. You promised you'd come upstairs with me to throw eggs at him later, so you can do that shit then."

Ignoring us, Deidara got up and tiptoed over to the window.

"Just a little peek," he said innocently, lifting back the curtain ever so slightly. "Just a—AAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!! OH MY GOD HE'S RIGHT THERE!! GUYS, HE'S RIGHT THERE, OH MY GOD, MY HEART!!"

At that moment, Kisame was in the middle of rolling for his turn, and Deidara's shriek of terror startled him so that he flailed with fright and sent the dice flying across the room. The unexpected sight caused Deidara to stagger backwards, trip over Zetsu's outstretched legs and bang his elbow off the coffee table as he fell. Instantly, the Akatsuki mob were on their feet, shouting at each other to be quiet so they could find out was going on.

Ever the cool head in a crisis, my brother took charge.

"Someone turn the lights off," he ordered. "Turn them off. Now."

Kisame leaned over and flicked the switch. The room descended into darkness.

"Sasuke," my brother said, "you sit there and don't move."

I swear to god, it was like something out of a horror movie. Huddling together for protection, Akatsuki inched forward toward the window, my brother at the head of the group. Step by step, they crept through the darkness. Hidan picked up a poker from the fireplace along the way. Slowly, they approached, and when he was close enough, my brother reached out to grab a curtain. Taking a deep breath, he twitched the material aside. As a unit, Akatsuki recoiled in horror.

Outside, there was a movement in the darkness and the intruder light flickered on, revealing the boss standing there, swaying from one foot to the other, staring in the window. He was absolutely soaked, his make-up running down his face and his long, black hair hanging in limp, streaky rat's tails. He looked uncannily like Sadako from _The Ring_. I could see then why Deidara practically shat his pants. As for me? I felt differently. To me, though he wouldn't have looked out of place in a George Romero movie, he looked utterly forlorn, and my heart squeezed painfully at the sight of him brought so low.

I wanted to let him in – to hell with what I'd do about it afterwards. Kabuto was right. The stupid idiot would stand out there all night if I didn't do something.

Determined to put a definite end to all the fool antics, I pushed myself up from the sofa and I started to make my way out into the hall. However, by doing this, I gave away my presence a little too soon. Peering into the dark room with the harsh glare provided by the intruder light, the boss discerned movement within.

His eyes widened as he spotted me, just about to walk out of the door.

"_Sasuke-kun!"_ he shouted desperately, banging on the window. _"Sasuke-kun, please speak to me! Please, I beg you!"_

Trying to be subtle and unobtrusive so that my brother did not catch on, I cringed and gave him a signal, which he unfortunately misinterpreted. In murky half-light, I pointed out of the door and gestured with my head. What I meant was, "I give up. I am coming round the back door to let you in. Wait there until I fetch you." What he read was, "In the direction in which I am pointing, there is a gutter pipe right next to you. This pipe leads to a first floor bathroom window, left open some hours ago by Hidan to release putrid air from its confines. You should remove your geta and socks, scale the slick, perilously slippery pipe barefoot and with hands numbed by the cold in a heavy, soaking wet kimono and squeeze through the gap in the open window."

That is exactly what he did.

For a moment, he stood there, assessing the situation. Akatsuki were grouped together, ready to neutralise if he tried to come through the ground floor window. Then, in a flash, he was gone. There was a moment of confusion as they all rushed towards the window and fought to get the best view outside. Deidara managed to shove his way to the front, and he squished his face up against the glass, trying to peer right round so he could see parallel to the wall. His jaw dropped.

"Err... guys," he began, as if he couldn't believe his own eyes. "Oro's climbing the drainpipe."

"What?"

"Yeah. I hate to break it to you, but he's almost at the top."

"Did anyone leave a window open?" My brother's voice.

"Umm, maybe..." Hidan's voice this time.

Upstairs, there was a clatter and a loud thump. My heart started fluttering in my chest.

"Oh my god, he's inside!" Deidara cackled, clapping and jumping up and down with evil glee.

Before I knew it, Itachi had pushed past me and had his first foot on the stairs. I gave chase, hot on his heels, begging him not to do anything stupid. The rest followed, sniggering and sauntering along behind, like it was all for their entertainment. The smirks were wiped clean off their faces when Kisame called out, "Itachi, I hope you don't have _you know what_ lying around!"

"No," Itachi answered, marching along the upstairs corridor. "I keep it locked away, but there is a baseball bat under my—"

It all happened so quickly. To our right, the door to my brother's room opened. There was a whoosh of air as something heavy and very, very solid passed our faces – missing us by inches – and a leaden crunch as it came into contact with the wall, leaving a respectable crack in the plasterwork. I gasped, and felt Itachi roughly pull me back behind him.

_Squelch, squelch, squelch..._

The boss's voice came drifting out from Itachi's room. It had an ominous tone to it that rang of retribution.

"_You bastards_..."

Instantly, the back-pedalling and excuses poured forth.

"Oro, honestly, we didn't mean it—"

"We thought you'd go away after a while—"

"You were acting like a mentalist! Of course we weren't gonna let you in—!"

The boss squelched towards us, smacking the bat into the palm of his hand. It was then I noticed his fingers were all red and sore from the cold, and he was shivering.

"You bastards!" he repeated, with more vigour. "You think this is all a big joke! _Don't you?_"

"Oro," my brother said, raising both hands in a conciliatory gesture. "Put the bat down."

"_Why?_" the boss hissed, his hands shaking. He probably wouldn't have been able to hold it much longer, even if he'd wanted to. "So you can take me away from Sasuke-kun?"

My brother wasn't getting anywhere with him. No one would be able get anywhere with him. I knew this because, out of everyone, I know him best. In fact, over the course of three years, I have gotten to know him pretty damned well. Intimately, you might say. Therefore, I knew that no amount of carefully worded persuasion, ignoring his presence, or even brute-force would get him to change his mind. Only I could do something. Only I could make this right.

I stepped out from behind my brother.

"Orochimaru-sama," I said gently, with a hint of exasperation, "don't get all wound up. I'll talk to you, okay? Just put the bat down."

"Sasuke—" my brother began, a warning note in his voice. I whipped round to face him.

"Itachi," I said calmly, "you said earlier it is my decision to make. Well, I've made it, and I am going to speak to Orochimaru-sama about whatever it is he wants."

I could tell Itachi was not happy about this. Beneath his carefully crafted veneer of impassivity, a startling hatred burned in his eyes. He was looking at the boss as though he wanted to lunge for him. The boss, however, did not care. He seemed to have eyes only for me.

When my brother spoke, his tone was measured, controlled, but there was menace lurking just beneath the surface.

He said, "I told you before that if you hurt my brother again, I would kill you. For Sasuke's sake, I will delay."

Then he turned and walked away without a backward glance; down the corridor, down the stairs, out of sight. The assembled Akatsuki parted to let him pass and reluctantly followed after, shooting me a few curious glances before they, too, disappeared from view.

For the first time since that dark day in October, I was alone with the boss. We were standing there, barely a foot apart, and I could not look at him. My heart started beating madly as the nerves took over, and I fixed my gaze firmly to the floor. The boss, on the other hand, was staring at _me_ intently— staring, staring, staring. I felt a flash of irritation and wished he would stop. Then the bat fell to the floor with a clatter.

"Sasuke-kun—" the boss whispered.

Raising a finger, I interrupted him sternly.

"I will talk to you, Orochimaru-sama," I said, "but first I want you in the shower and warmed up. You're cold, you're wet, you're tired and you probably haven't eaten anything all day."

The boss's head fell, and I sighed. Not unkindly, I started pushing him toward the bathroom and opened the door.

"Now, I'm going to go get you a towel and some clean clothes. You're about the same height, so you can borrow Itachi's, but it won't be anything fancy. Leave the door open so I can bring them to you, okay?"

The boss stood there and stared at me for a moment, looking like a lost puppy. Then he sort of nodded and obediently pulled to door to, leaving it open a crack, just as I had requested. Sighing, I pinched the bridge of my nose, wondering what the hell I was going to do when he got out. What on earth would I say to him? I'm still wondering. I heard him getting out of the shower not long ago, padding along the corridor, barefoot. Of course, he doesn't know my brother's house, so he does not know which room is mine. He's probably downstairs, being teased mercilessly by his old colleagues in the living room, or in the kitchen if he's seeking refuge.

I should go down.

Why am I so nervous?

LATER:

9:45pm

The boss and I have had a good, long chat. At the moment, he's asleep, safely tucked up in my bed with a hot water bottle. I'm sitting across from him on the floor with my laptop plugged in at the mains, watching him twitch and mutter to himself in his sleep. I know it's pathetic, but I can't help but watch him. He's the only person I've ever known who is as interesting in sleep as he is when awake.

I'll talk about this later. I need time to process all this...

LATER:

11:54pm

The boss was in the living room when I finally decided to show face downstairs. The Akatsuki lot had decided to resume their interrupted game of Trivial Pursuit and since Itachi was answering to win, they weren't paying much attention to the boss. He was sitting on the floor by the fire, leaning against the edge of the sofa with his knees tucked up into his chest, staring into space. His wet hair had been swept back into a loose ponytail, causing little damp patches to bloom upon the soft, grey, cotton hoodie Itachi had loaned him. There was not a scrap of make-up on his face. This, with the washed-out hoodie, sweatpants and bare feet, all combined to create an effect that was disconcertingly... normal.

It was so strange seeing him like that – a raw, bare, stripped down version of himself – that I stood, leaning against the door frame, watching him for a while. Without the grand, imposing dress, without the mask, without the ornaments and superficial trappings that marked his wealth and influence – he looked rather vulnerable.

From the coffee-table came a half-hearted cheer that spoke of rank inevitability. As usual, Itachi had won the game, and it was time to pack up, put the playing pieces away and roll out the accusations of cheating. They would be distracted for a little while yet. Perfect timing.

"_Zetsu, where are the instructions? I can't find the instructions! You had them, don't lie!"_

"_Okay, there's one blue piece missing. Everyone check round about you, we need to find it!"_

"Orochimaru-sama..." I said quietly, catching the boss's attention immediately. He looked up at me, startled from his reverie of misery. His eyes were wide, but I could not read them.

"How about that chat, hmm?"

The boss nodded and followed me through to the kitchen. We sat down at the table, across from one another, and for a long moment, neither of us knew quite what to say. We seemed content to avoid each other's eye. My stomach was churning with nerves, and this had obviously affected my ability to string a sentence together. We were gearing up for an awkward silence of mortifying proportions, but then there was a small, soft thump as the door opened. I looked round and Mallory padded into the kitchen, mewing happily, his bushy tail waving to-and-fro in the air. Recognising the boss, he made a beeline for him and leapt onto the table and started nuzzling him.

"Hello, Mallory," the boss said, with a small smile. "Did you miss me?"

Mallory obviously had, as he was purring away, brushing against the boss and leaning into his touch as he was expertly scratched behind his ears.

"I guess he does," I said. "You must have done a good job while I was gone."

"I did my best."

"That's good."

"Hmm..."

Conversation withered into silence once again – but I was determined not to let it die completely. My adorable, fluffy one had provided me with several, potential conversation starters, and I would be damned if I didn't use each and every one to my advantage.

"I... um... I see your wrist is better."

"Yes," the boss said absently. "It feels much better now, thank you. The cast was taken off a fortnight ago."

"Oh really?"

"Hmm..."

Another silence.

I was just about to open my mouth and try another tack, when the boss saved me the trouble. Groaning, he let his head drop onto the table and wrapped his arms around it, obscuring his face. His tangled, wet hair poked out at odd angles.

"I've made a fool of myself, haven't I?" the boss asked, his voice muffled.

I wanted to say, 'And you've only just noticed?', but I shrugged my shoulders noncommittally and said nothing.

"This is profoundly undignified," he went on, quite morose. "In fact, Sasuke-kun, I do believe this is the most embarrassing thing I have ever done in my life."

I knew the situation was serious, but, for old times' sake, I just could not let that one lie.

"Oh, I don't know," I said with a sly smile, doodling on the tabletop with my finger. "What about that photo I found of you when you were at university lying drunk in the fountain in the Public Park? That's pretty undignified. Or there was that time you got bundled into the back of a police car in Konoha outside Jiraiya's when we had that misunderstanding over Naruto? That was pretty undignified. And then there was the time when you hid in the towel cupboard from Itachi when he sabotaged our dirty weekend away. And that time you were trying to crack your knee in bed one night and ended up kneeing yourself in the face and I laughed so hard I almost wet myself."

The boss lifted his head and stared accusingly at me. I sighed. Obviously, this was not the time to be flippant.

"Look, if you're so embarrassed," I said patiently, "why did you do it? Why on earth did you do that to yourself, Orochimaru-sama? I mean, really. You could've caught hypothermia standing out in the rain like that!"

My heart squeezed as the boss's face fell, twisting into an odd expression of confusion and despair. He fidgeted for a moment, staring at his fingers, before he looked up at me, his gaze intent, almost desperate, and said, "Because I wanted to show you..."

That phrase again.

Exasperated, it was my turn to let my head fall into my hands.

"Show me what, Orochimaru-sama? That you've lost your mind?"

The boss managed a half-hearted, wry sort of laugh.

"Yes. Yes, Sasuke-kun. I suppose that'll do."

He went on.

"I miss you terribly," he said, reaching over to take my hand. As he did, butterflies made a grand entrance into my life and gave me a serious amount of internal, emotional grief. "I feel ill. I cannot sleep. I cannot concentrate. My work no longer holds any joy for me. I dream of you constantly at night when I am at rest, and when waking I dream of you too. I wander aimlessly, Sasuke-kun, and as I wander, I feel a profound sense of unreality – as though I am drifting, floating outside my own body, watching myself grieve for you and mourning my loss. It is a strange feeling, Sasuke-kun, one I have never felt before. I was not entirely sure how to deal with it, but I knew that I had to speak to you or I would go mad."

"So you decided to come here, stand outside in the howling wind and rain, embarrass me and yourself by shouting on me at the top of your lungs and breaking into my brother's home?"

"Yes."

"Okay then..."

"No, Sasuke-kun," he said, earnestly, clutching my hand in his as though it were a lifeline. "It is not okay. It is not okay at all. For I, who once loved my own life and loved it well and more than anyone, am now lost and feel with all my soul that perhaps my life is no longer worth living. It is a terrible feeling, Sasuke-kun, and I want it to stop. I cannot function without you. I need you, Sasuke-kun. I need you to function."

Every word he spoke hit me straight where it hurt. The longing I felt for him was almost physically painful. Inside, I was an absolute wreck, but I managed a casual smile and kept my cool.

"This really is all new to you, isn't it?" I said, shaking my head. "I mean really, Orochimaru-sama. People get dumped and it hurts like hell. This is normality."

The mingled look of horror, dread and distress that passed across his face would have been comical if I hadn't been so wound up myself.

"Are you dumping me, Sasuke-kun?" he whispered, his eyes wide like saucers.

Smiling ruefully, I turned my head skywards and closed my eyes. I took a deep, long breath and forced myself to think rationally. It was a long time before I made my decision. Opening my eyes and looking at the boss, I took up both his hands in mine. Despite his warm shower, they still held a bitter, residual chill.

"No..." I said quietly. "I'm not dumping you."

In that same instant, I reached for him and brought his lips to mine in a quiet kiss. The boss melted into it, compulsively wrapped an arm around my neck from across the table, and as he did, I felt his longing and was surprised by its intensity, its depth, its sincerity.

"Sasuke-kun," he muttered. "Oh, my Sasuke-kun..."

But I was not yet done.

Gently, gently, I untangled myself from his embrace and pulled away. The boss tilted to his head to one side, puzzled as to why I would wish to end his long-awaited kiss so soon. He would find out shortly. After all, I had forced myself to think rationally, had I not? And my rational mind had told me that, yes, I did want to be with him, but it also told me to set a few ground rules as collateral. I had fought hard for my freedom, and I was not about to relinquish it over a brief moment of affection.

"I'm not leaving you, Orochimaru-sama," I said, "but this is conditional."

"Very well," the boss answered, without hesitation. "Whatever conditions you choose to impose upon me, I shall abide by them without question."

"Good," I said, feeling kindly but suddenly business-like. "So first thing's first, I want you to acknowledge that Naruto is my best friend and that if you _ever_ try to manipulate me and come between us again, I will leave you and not look back."

"Of course—"

"Secondly, I want you to personally apologise to Naruto for using what happened to his parents as ammo in a grudge match, and to Jiraiya for taking his godfatherly rights away from him. That was, quite possibly, the lowest thing you've ever done – and if I'm being honest, that's saying something."

"Very well—"

"_And_," I stressed, holding up a stern finger, "I want the words 'I am sorry' to feature in your apologies. "I know what you're like."

"Fine, but—"

"And I want you to apologise to Karin too," I said, overriding the boss when he opened his mouth to inform me of his compensatory actions by adding, "and I know that you have been nice and promoted Karin to general manager of the South Base, but the way you treated her was utterly disgusting – and it was, Orochimaru-sama, don't look at me like that! – so another personal apology from your own lips wouldn't go amiss there."

"Very well," he sighed. "Anything else?"

"Yes," I said firmly. "There is one more thing. You need help, Orochimaru-sama. You need medication, or counselling, or cognitive behavioural therapy or something because, really, you're nuts – scary nuts."

"Am I really that bad, Sasuke-kun?"

"You are," I said frankly. "You are possessive and authoritarian to a degree which, and I'm being honest again, regularly makes life unbearable for me. So if we're going to have any chance – any chance at all of making this work – we're getting counselling. If you don't agree to that, then the deal is off."

The boss pouted and folded his arms huffily. Spoiled brat behaviour. A flash of the old, regular Orochimaru-sama. This was more familiar territory.

"Must we, Sasuke-kun? I do not relish the thought of airing my innermost to a stranger. If I wanted to do that, I would go to a bar and get thoroughly drunk."

"A counsellor is not any ordinary listening stranger," I insisted. "A counsellor is a professionally trained, listening stranger – and we will be going to one, or the deal is off. Yes?"

The boss sighed and shrugged his shoulders, suddenly looking very tired.

"Fine, Sasuke-kun," he said, waving a hand absently. "I will have it arranged."

"Good. Kiss to seal it?"

The boss smiled, nodded and leaned in. Our lips touched, and the deal was done. I felt a sudden, warm rush of happiness. The boss was here. After all the crap, after all the tears, scary fights and cheating and hardship and cleaning and lonely nights, he was here with me – and most importantly of all, he was finally listening. I felt light as air, as though a great weight had lifted from my shoulders, as though I were on the verge of something new and unknown – possibly scary, possibly difficult – but ultimately wonderful.

"So what do you want to do?" I asked him, stroking the backs of his hands. "Do you want something to eat? There're plenty of leftovers."

The boss's lip curled.

"No. No thank you," he said vehemently. "I must confess I'm feeling a little ill. The thought of food turns my stomach."

"When did you last eat?" I asked, giving him a severe look. I gave him ten seconds to answer, and when it was clear he couldn't remember, I added, "Well, if you have to think about it, then you've not been eating enough."

"Sasuke-kun, I just want to go to bed. I am so very, very tired..."

"Alright," I said, taking his hand. "Come on upstairs. I'll show you my room. You can sleep in my bed."

"Thank you, Sasuke-kun," the boss said gratefully.

"But don't think you're getting away without eating. I'm going to bring you something up!"

By the time I returned with the food, the boss was already curled up in bed. At some point, Mallory must have scuttled upstairs and sneaked in to join him, as he was lying at the bottom of the bed, purring away like a little furry machine. Shaking my head amusedly, I laid the plate on the nightstand, in case he woke up and was hungry, and I shuffled in beside him. He wouldn't move at first, so I had to give him an extra nudge. When he realised I was there, he smiled a sleepy smile and threw his arm around me, pulling me close. I did not resist. I didn't have to. Not anymore.

For a long time, we simply lay there together, dozing, our foreheads touching and our feet crossed at the bottom of the bed. His hair was still wet and the pillow was damp from absorbing it, but I didn't care. Occasionally, the boss would plant a faint kiss on my forehead, or I would give him an extra, comforting squeeze – nothing more than that. Then, out of the blue, the boss stirred and whispered something in my ear that made my heart skip a beat because I had never before heard from him that particular phrase.

"Sasuke-kun?" he murmured, his eyes closed.

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry."

It was a while before I recovered myself enough to answer, and I thought the boss might have fallen asleep by the time I did.

"That's okay," I said. "Just don't do it again, or I swear I'll rip your nuts off."

"Is that a promise?"

"That's a promise."

The boss smiled and buried his head into my shoulder. It wasn't long before he was deep in sleep, twitching and moaning and chattering nonsense as he always has done (and probably always will do. I feel I'm going to have to just put up with his eccentric sleeping habits if I really am intent on sticking it out.)

Sitting here, watching him... it's been a long time since I've felt so at peace with the world – which is ironic, really, since the boss is also the one person who can make me feel like ending it all. Hopefully, though, from now on there will be less of the latter. I don't know why, but I feel like this time... there really has been a breakthrough. I know now for certain that I truly mean something to him – something for which he is willing to fight and make compromises. Well, I say that. He's not entirely comfortable with the idea of compromise yet (I know that we have a _long_ way to go) but he has taken the first step, and that he has taken said step means more to me than all his pretty words ever could.

I also now know for certain that he truly means something to me, and for the record, I'm going to put this out there.

I love him.

There. I said it. Not out loud, of course. Oh no. Never out loud. That would not do. I'm going to keep that little kernel of feeling inside and wear it like a talisman. And maybe, just maybe, when he earns it, I'll tell him. Unless he does something again to make me feel like strangling him, which is pretty likely since it's the boss. I'll have to be very careful with it, because once said, it cannot be taken back. We'll see how it goes.

One step at a time...

LATER:

1:02am

From one of Itachi's graphic novels.

-----------

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable.  
It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore."

Rose Walker, in SANDMAN #65: "The Kindly Ones:9"

-----------

* * *

AN: Okay, so I was really nervous about this chapter. I still am. There was a lot I wanted to get across in it, but not totally spell it out, if you know what I mean, because there's a sort of Sasuke-filter in this story and he can't possibly know everything. I only hope it came through okay and that Sasuke's decision does make sense. -angst- Originally, I had planned for a lot more to be included in this chapter, but I had to split it in two, as I wanted to do the 'what happens next' justice. So you'll get a certain someone's reaction next chapter (so don't worry, I haven't forgotten.) Also, I guess I'd just like to let all you fanfic writers and artists know that the OroSasu fanclub on Naruto Fan forums is having a **competition**. Categories have still to be decided, but you can submit previous creations to the competition, so get choosing or writing your best OroSasu stuff. Details will be posted shortly on the OroSasu FC on Naruto forums. I'll put up a link on my profile. :)

Now on with the thank-yous!

**Dooki** (Lol, I think your reaction to the last chapter was the same as a lot of people's. You're right, I did make it pretty dark. It was planned to be quite dark, but I did not realise just how low it would sink emotionally from Sasuke's point of view. If you can believe it, I actually depressed myself writing it, and that does not happen very often. Hopefully, you won't need ice-cream to calm your nerves this chapter. )

**NaruGuru** (Oh, I am so sorry about last chapter! I wanted to tell you that everything would be okay, but I didn't want to spoil it. I know you're not sure about Oro and Sauce getting back together, but Sasuke knows what he's doing. Their relationship has sunk to its lowest, and it has taken that for Oro to realise that he cannot control everything Sasuke does. He knows that now, knows also what Sasuke means to him, and is beginning to realise that compromise is important. And, to ease your mind, Oro would not have raped Sauce. Never, never, never. He said it way back in chapter 30, he would "always ask first". He just lost it a bit, that's all. He would have let Sasuke go.)

**NayanRoo** (I am very jealous of your anthropology classes - writing a paper on Santeria sounds fascinating. And yeah... last chapter was pretty damned difficult to write. It was fun, but in that strange, sick way where you're so in the zone you don't even realise what you're writing until you hit the submit button and then you sit back and go... oh my god. I swear I depressed myself writing it. Though I must comment on your review where you said "scenes that I've written that have or will appear in fics". This "will appear" doesn't relate to Shadowplay, does it? Because, seriously, I'm really worried for Oro. I will cry if he dies. Honestly. Also, the OroSasu FC over at NarutoForums is having an OroSasu contest. Fanfic is included and you can submit previously written stuff. Fancy entering? -hinthinthint-)

**Chromde** (Oh wow... I'm so glad you liked the last chapter. It was very emotional, yes yes yes. I seriously ended up depressing myself writing it. I suppose that's writers' karma for torturing my characters. And that little bit with Kiku cuddling Kylie... yeah, I don't even know why I added that bit in. It just popped into the scene as it played out in my head. You're right, actually. It does kind of make the scene that bit more real, somehow. God, I hope this chapter was okay.)

**BWAHAHAHA** (So it was you, maniacally laughing stranger! Once I reveal your true identity, I shall report you to the voodoo council. They frown upon unlicenced voodooing, you know.)

**LadyRouge214** (Madara is sick. He stirs the pot and then he sits back and laughs. A proper scumbag, he is...)

**Nozomi-sama** (Oh, I'm sorry for making you have a capslock response, and for breaking your heart with last chapter. I depressed myself writing it, I swear, and felt so bad for Oro and Sauce, you have no idea. And yes, Sasuke does obviously still love Oro very much. He was fighting it all through thirty-nine - and I think that's what made the whole situation so much worse for him. He did not want to leave, but knew he had to. Oh, the sadness!)

**eerabbit** (Thank you. :) And I do pretty much have a plan that I stick to now (although, that said, I just had to divide the material for this chapter into two. There was too much and I wanted to do the rest justice.)

**hieilover135** (I know... I think Oro shocked everyone last chapter. He just didn't realise how much Sasuke meant to him until he lost him. I realise Kimi's opinion has been absent for a while, but next chapter, you'll get it in spades. And the Straight-Edge Club is a bit of a dig at the real life, emo scene counter-culture the kids have got going on. When you say you're straight edge, it means you're emo/goth/whatever but have no alcohol, no drugs and no sex. There's loads of stuff about it online. And Itachi is not going blind in this fic, fear not. :))

**Kana Haruka** (Oh, thank you so much for taking the time to review. It's always appreciated, really it is. :) I'm glad you liked the chapter, even though it made you want to punch Oro. I just hope this chapter lives up to the story after the rollercoaster that was last chapter. Eek, I'm still worried. :( Though I'm more worried about those voodoo pins, lol.)

**Bri** (I'm sorry I made you depressed, lol. If it makes you feel any better, I totally made myself depressed too. I hit submit and then I was like "... well, damn." And then I was down for about three days. I didn't even want to think about writing, which totally never happens. Damn Oro and Sauce for getting to me! And to answer your question, yeah, Oro has finally realised just how much the Sauce means to him - and more importantly, he's willing to change aspects of his behaviour to make what he has with the Sauce work. Oh, Oro!)

**Neko Oni** (Wow, you printed the last two chapters out and read them on the bus? Dang, that must've taken a lot of paper! XD Oh, I'm glad you liked Hidan. I love making fun of that guy. He's another great, little humour mill, he really is. I loved the way the anime team portrayed him and Kakuzu. I was almost sad to see them go, they were great villains. And yeah, there was a shade of feeling there on the couch on Oro's part when he thought 'Wait, what the hell am I doing to him?' So it wasn't that weird to think it was a bit romantic. XD)

**Luna-Lunak** (Oh, your review almost made me tear. You were so, so, so, so right, and you summed up their entire relationship so well. They do love each other, and it is so strong that they really cannot contain it, even though they want to - but up until now, their stubborn pride has been getting in the way. Slowly, they're beginning to realise just how much they mean to one another, and what they're willing to do to be with one another. This will be important, as there is one final matter to be resolved before the end.)

**Loxes** (Thanks very much for taking the time to review. It's always appreciated. :) And yeah, the last chapter was pretty intense. Too intense, maybe, because I ended up depressing and exhausting myself. You know where you're having so much fun writing, but it's a sick kind of fun, and you're so in the zone you don't know what you're doing until you finish and then you go "well... damn." Yeah, that was me. XD Hope this chapter was okay.)

**Violet203** (Ahhh... I figured it was you. And yeah, quite a lot of people seemed to hate Oro with the power of a thousand suns last chapter. XD No wonder, though. He was acting like a total arse. It's interesting you picked up on the 'almost human' part of him right at the end of thirty-nine. This chapter sort of follows on from that and takes it a bit further. I never noticed that, actually...)

**Roxanne Morinaka** (Oh my god... the image of Oro beating his chest and hauling Sasuke about by the hair made me lol so hard, I cannot tell you. XD And yeah, the fight with Naruto really was sad. I depressed myself writing it. How pathetic is that? XD)

**yumechan3** (Wow... thanks so much for your review, especially since you're over-burdened with work and don't really have much time. That the tone of the story has changed... yes. You are quite right. It definitely has, and I think that's a product of this essentially being a serialised story. I didn't have a concrete plan at first, and, like yourself, I thought of it as enjoyable fluff which was fun for me to write. But then the story started to mean something to me, the characters started to mean something to me, too - and when that happened, the shit that I had planned for them to endure became shittier, the stakes were raised, and the tone of the story changed as a result. About your confusion with Sauce's sort of vacillating behaviour regarding Oro in thirty-nine... well, maybe that's my fault because I haven't really portrayed them in "downtime" mode, and, when I look back, maybe I should have. Also, Sasuke really does love Oro, and all through thirty-eight and nine, he was fighting his very strong feelings for Oro - a sort of head versus heart moment. Then, on the couch, his heart won momentarily, and he was reeled back in by Oro and thoughts of the good times, the safe times, the quiet moments where he and Oro were just hanging out, being with one another. But he is sensible, and he knew that he had to get away, to win his freedom and show Oro he meant business, even though it killed him to do it. I guess that was what was going on. Sorry if that doesn't make sense. :) Also, Jiraiya ran away with Naruto because, and maybe this was too subtle, but back in the hospital when he told Naruto about his parents, Naruto asked who did it and Jiraiya hesitated and said he didn't know. The hesitation was him being economical with the truth. He did know, but didn't want to tell Naruto because it would ruin his friendship with Sauce. Wow... what a wall of text, I've written! XD I hope this chapter was okay. It was planned for them to patch it up, but they are going to have to work at it. I promise! :))

**AriesRaccoonRebi** (Hey! Name change ahoy! :D And I know.... OMGWTFBBQ was totally the standard reaction to thirty-nine. It was a chapter of much sadness. I totally depressed myself writing it. And probably you and Bri, too. XD I do apologise. And happy birthday again (though I said it on LJ! XD) Eighteen means a lot of things in a lot of countries. Especially applied to you, it means you can have a drink or two in England without having to resort to a fake ID! Yay! :D)

**For Whom** (I still love your username, by the way. Tis most excellent. But yes, I'm glad you liked Oro's vast influence and power finally backfiring onto Sasuke. I had been hinting at it for a while now (and obviously you totally picked up on it XD) but Oro totally let him have it to the extent that I surprised myself, even though I had the plan. As for Itachi... he is not very happy. He has his suspicions that Sauce is going to take Oro back, but he does not yet know it definitively. He will by next chapter, though. ;))

**x3Hayden** (Why, thank you! :D -basks in confetti- I wonder how far you are into the story, though? XD)

**YoungSasuke** (Again, your perceptiveness makes me fear I shall have to be more ninja-like in future. I think your aim to switch to a psychology degree is a pretty good move. You could be like Neji, and analyse everyone and everything you come into contact with, with a fatalistic cynicism that belies your young appeareance. Actually, watching a thriller drama with Neji would be a pain in the ass. He'd guess the ending right at the start and spoil it for everyone. But, yes... as for raising the question as to how Oro will cope without the Sauce? This chapter sort of answered it: not very well. XD)

**Austeria** (Aasdlfkjlskdfjlsdjf;;!! I know! :( I even depressed myself writing the last chapter, and that hardly ever happens. I cannot believe a part of you wishes for more shit hitting more fans, lol - I don't think I could take it myself (but there will be a sprinkling of drama next chapter when a particular someone makes an appearance. It would have been dealt with in this chapter, but I wanted to do it justice, so I split this one in two.) And I read your fic. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. It was really good. :))

**Chann** (Heyyy, Chan! :D Glad to see you're still here, even after all the heart-wrenching drama, lol. Though it seems you're a sucker for a bit of angst, so that's good (otherwise you probably would have got the hell out!) It's interesting that you said Oro went from someone you love to laugh at to someone who has a deep and interesting personality. I wonder if that's a product of Sasuke finally realising just how much Oro means to him? I mean, at first, the relationship was all bickering, fun and games, but now the gave has been raised and there is real love at stake here. Either that, or it's a product of the tone of the story changing slightly because of that. Or maybe a bit of both. Who knows, lol?)

**Shadow Bannana** (Yay! A new reader and reviewer! Seriously, thanks so much for taking the time to review. It's much appreciated. :) And it took you two days to finish it? XD Actually, that's probably about right. This fic has turned into an absolute monster. Come to think of it, I just checked on the net and it's longer than the average novel. How in the hell? XD Oh well, not much longer till the end, anyway, so you turned up at the right time. And yes, Oro was quite psychotic in the last chapter. He was pretty psychotic this chapter too, but at least he was being nice to Sauce. Oh, Oro...)

**Gerkyhen** (Ha ha, I loved how your reviews sort of progressed from "Well, this is quite cool. A bit of lolz here and there" to "Holy hell, Oro is a psycho! Please tell me Karin will be okay???" The answer to your question, obviously, is that Karin is okay. Oro, via the medium of his intense guilt over the loss of his Sauce, has made amends in a particularly Oroish fashion, and Karin is okay about it - because, really, she knows she is lucky to still have her job and her friends and all that stuff. :) Thanks for taking the time to review, by the way. It's always much appreciated. :))

**DragonMorticia** (Oh no no no no no! Please don't consign Oro to the bad books, I coudn't bear it! Oro needs more love! He is my most favourite Naruto character! I know he screwed up and all, but he has begun the process of redeeming himself, little by little, and Sauce has realised this and has rewarded him appropriately. I do apologise for making you cry last chapter. For once, I was actually feeling the pain along with you guys. I made myself depressed after the end of last chapter. Obviously writers' karma coming to bite me in the ass for putting Oro, Sauce and the rest through all that hell. XD I hope you liked this chapter, and that you didn't need all those Kleenex in the end. :))

**shinobi of the sound** (Thank you! I loved writing that chapter, actually. In terms of 'writing fun levels', out of this whole fic, thirty-four was actually pretty near the top.)

**Insomniac Owl** (That... is an awesome idea. I wish I'd thought of it earlier. Sasuke might have went along with it, but I think Kimi's hatred of our intrepid hero, the Sauce Meister, is so strong that he would not have went near him, even if Oro had ordered him to. But seriously, someone should pick that idea up for a fic. It has bucketloads of angsty potential. :D By the way, ShallowMind (aka Morphine) on Naruto Forums runs the OroSasu FC, and we're thinking about having a competition. Fanfic is included. You can submit previously written material. Care to enter? -hinthinthint- And if you're in contact with any other OroSauce fans, could you spread the word? The FC needs all the love it can get. :) Also, Liar by Rollins Band is awesome. I am glad you like! :D)

**ShallowMind** (Yay! I finally get to reply to your review! :D I'm sorry this monster of a fic almost got you grounded. It is far too long, lol. I think it may almost be as long as longcat. XD As for your four points, yeah... I'm glad you like. The journal style is so easy to write with, although there are a few restraints that sometimes make it hard for me - like I cannot outright describe the thoughts and emotions of others. Sasuke always has to assume. That's why I had to write thirty-four in the way I did. The characterisation... well... I did my best to keep them vaguely in-character right from the beginning. It's part of the fun actually. The only one I had trouble with, for some reason, was Kakashi, but I can always go back and edit. Thanks so much for the reviews, btw. They're always much appreciated. :))

**AnilmathielGreenleaf** (Lol, I cannot imagine how you must have felt, being a couple of chapters behind and then presented with the chaotic, dark, hurricane of angst that was thirty-eight and nine! XD I imagine "...wtf?" was used quite a bit, as the story did a bit of slapping and baby-shaking on you, lol. I'm glad you liked it, though. Like, really. I was a bit worried that everyone would be after my blood, lol. But like you said, the going against the grain was necessary, because Oro had to realise how much his Sauce means to him. Awww... XD I hope this chapter was okay. I'm worried about this one too! -fret-)

Whew! All thank-yous done and dusted! Hope you guys liked this chapter. :)


	41. Chapter 41

A Day in the Life

* * *

AN: Dedicated to the graduate: Insomniac Owl.

Check out her fics: they are immense.

* * *

December 26th

9:15am

Woke up this morning in a haze of Zen-like calm. This in itself was odd, as for the past few months I was vacillating between rage, shame, apathetic resignation and despair. Stranger still, I remembered everything from last night and was not at all shocked to see the boss lying next to me, still asleep. It was rather pleasant, actually, and I sat up and watched him for a moment, shaking my head at the thought of how much of a persistent moron he is before I decided I needed to go for a pee. Carefully, I stole out of bed so as not to wake the boss, removed the improvised Kakuzu-proof trip-wire and chair from the door and headed out along the corridor to the nearest bathroom. Halfway there, I realised it was actually quite early in the morning – and since no one else appeared to be wandering around upstairs, I decided it would be a good time to nip in for a quick shower before the rush. Whistling a cheerful ditty, I made a short detour to the towel cupboard and picked one up before heading back on course to the bathroom.

My shower was going wonderfully well until the realisation hit me that I would have to somehow find the words to tell my brother the boss and I were back together. I almost had a mini panic-attack, but managed to remind myself that my brother had said to me that it was my own decision to make. _He_ said it, therefore, he would have to live by it no matter how much it pained him. Consoling myself with that thought, I towelled dry, got dressed and headed downstairs to face the music.

And do you know what? The selfish bastard wasn't even in!

I walked into the kitchen, fully expecting to have to dedicate most of the morning to justifying my motives to my brother and then the rest of the day soothing him, placating him and trying to find ways of making it up to him. Instead I found Sasori, Deidara and Zetsu sitting nursing mugs of coffee, who informed me after I enquired into my brother's whereabouts that he had "popped out to pick up some milk and a couple of the daily rags," and that "he should be back soon."

How dare he? There I was, all psyched up and ready to roll – and he goes out for milk? Milk! Why didn't he put extra milk on the goddamned shopping list when we were out all morning on the 24th? And surely newspapers can wait? It's the digital age, for god's sake! He could've checked the bloody internet! Now I'm going to have to wait in suspense and re-summon all my courage, which has since pretty much dissipated.

Cretin...

LATER:

The boss is still sleeping and Itachi has not yet returned. I asked Zetsu how long he'd been gone and he said it's been an hour and a half already. What on earth is he doing?

LATER:

10:24am

Itachi is back from whatever it was he had gone to do. He said he had dropped off a Christmas card for an old friend while he was out (why he couldn't have sent it in the mail in the first place mystifies me.) My brother informed me of this in an uncharacteristically fractious manner when I questioned him in attempt to make friendly small-talk before the big reveal. I must confess, his tone rather took me aback, and when I asked him if he was alright, he snapped, "I am _fine_, Sasuke," before he slammed the milk down on the counter and stormed out of the kitchen, leaving the rest of us in a state of open-mouthed disbelief. The disbelief was merited, as it is rare my brother shows any emotion at all.

"What's up with him?" Zetsu asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I know, right?" Deidara exclaimed. "First he's all like, 'Hey, sure guys, I'll pick up some milk, I was gonna head out anyway,' and when he comes back he's all like, 'FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—!!'

Across the table, Sasori looked thoughtful.

"Maybe someone cut him off on the freeway? He hates that." Then a flicker of a malicious smile passed over his lips as he turned to me and added, "Or maybe a certain someone has gotten back together with Oro? That's the only thing I can think of that Itachi would hate more..."

Everyone turned to look at me, and I felt myself going red. It gave me away instantly. (Seriously? What is the point of blushing? I really need to talk to the boss about having him invent some drug that stops you from doing it. I am not the only one who would appreciate it.)

A slow, sly smile crept across Deidara's face and he looked at me sidelong and said, "You have, haven't you?"

Burning with shame, I went instantly on the defence.

"Yeah, I have _actually_ – but Itachi doesn't know yet! I haven't told him, so it's nothing to do with us!"

"Oh my god, I cannot believe you..."

"No, I can't believe you, you fucking hypocrite!" I bit back. "You were the one telling me how miserable he was and dropping massively huge – _oh you should get back together_ – hints on Christmas Eve!"

"No, all I said was that you should talk to him. I never said anything about making up. I'm afraid you did that on your own, Saucy-kins."

"Yeah, I know I did," I said curtly. "But you were dropping hints – don't deny it – so shut the hell up with the _'Oh I cannot believe you'_ bullshit. I'm getting really tired of your crap, Deidara."

"Well someone's defensive," he replied sniffily, looking at his nails.

"Damn right, I'm defensive!" I fumed, feeling very hard done by all of a sudden. "I'm sick of people questioning my damned judgement and thinking that they know more about what goes on in my life than I do. So stop it, okay?"

"I'm not questioning your judgement. I'm expressing an opinion. I'm allowed to express an opinion."

"Yeah? Well you'd best express it when I'm not in the room, otherwise I'm liable to punch you in the face, got it? In fact, here," I added, pushing back my chair with a rude squawk, "I'm going back upstairs, so you can express your damned opinion as much as you like. Knock yourself out, Deidara."

With that, I turned and followed my brother's earlier example by storming out of the kitchen and heading upstairs in a flurry of sudden ire. The last words I heard before I was out of earshot were Sasori's.

"_So that's two pissed off Uchihas. You think we should phone Madara and make it a hat-trick?"_

Idiots. I hate people, sometimes, I really do...

LATER:

11:30am

The boss is still not awake (yesterday's antics must've really taken it out of him) and my brother is in the kitchen washing up with more force, volume and purpose than I consider strictly necessary. His bad mood, very briefly lifted, seems to have returned and I am not sure what is the cause, since I'm certain he does not yet know about the boss and I. I'm not going to lie to you – I'm dreading telling him now. The rest of Akatsuki are all awake and here in the living room, pouring over the 'Most Influential List' in the copy of _Forbes_ Itachi purchased on his two-hour milk run – and marvelling at the fact that I am in it.

Yes, I know. I have officially made this year's 'Most Influential List'. I cannot quite believe it myself.

After my quarrel with Deidara, I went back to bed for awhile and had an aggressive nap. By the time I woke up, I was feeling a little better – the process helped along immensely by the boss who reminded me in between sleepy kisses that Deidara is a massive bell-end and that I should pay no heed to his shit-stirring antics before he fell asleep again. Of course the boss said all that in a much more eloquent manner, but I'm calling a spade a spade. Because Deidara _is_ a fucking spade. Or a bell-end. Whichever works best.

Eventually, since the boss showed no signs of stirring, I peeled myself from the mattress and trudged downstairs. I heard voices in the kitchen and automatically swerved to avoid it, since I did not wish to become embroiled in another argument. However, as I was passing the living-room, I heard my brother calling my name.

"Sasuke, is that you?"

I rolled my eyes and sighed.

"It's me. What do you want, Itachi? I'm not coming in if you're going to bite my head off."

"Come here a moment..."

Since I was all too aware I would still have to suck up to him, I grudgingly did as he asked so as not to further piss him off.

When I walked into the living-room, he spotted me immediately. It appeared Itachi had bought a copy of _Forbes_ on the way back from his epic, two-hour milk-run. Smiling slightly, he presented me with the offending publication, saying, "There's something in here that might interest you, Sasuke."

Now, every year on the day after Christmas, _Forbes_ magazine publishes its 'Most Influential' list. It is essentially a business magazine, obsessed with money, power and influence. Its motto? 'The Capitalist Tool'. Uncle Madara made the list again last year for the first time in many – make of that what you will. I jest in part, though, since the boss has made the list six years in a row and Sarutobi has been a regular feature for god knows how long. To get your name on that list, you have to be either obscenely rich or obscenely powerful. As far as I was concerned (and still concerned), I am neither. Imagine my surprise, therefore, when I turned to page twenty-seven and found a section headed, "Uchiha Sasuke."

Rational thought jammed to a halt. My jaw dropped and the only thing I was capable of doing was gawping dumbly at the page. My reaction seemed to amuse my brother.

"Read it, Sasuke," he said encouragingly. "Do not worry. It is nothing bad."

Taking a deep breath, I sat down on the sofa next to Itachi and began to read. The article itself wasn't too long, so I'll type it out here. Really, it was mostly pictures, and the reason for that will become very clear.

----

Forbes 'Most Influential List'

Uchiha Sasuke

Power Rank: #33

Pay: Undisclosed

Category: Business

"Readers may be wondering why Forbes have chosen to include this young man on this year's Most Influential when the rest of our pages are devoted to the super-rich, the maverick tycoons, and the political heavyweights. Forbes have nominated Uchiha Sasuke because, of course, in the world of business there is much more to power than the possession of vast amounts of wealth. The secret to true power lies in the networks you possess and in the influence you have over others. In this, Uchiha Sasuke is a master, and has earned the position of number thirty-three in our top fifty.

Uchiha Sasuke and his talented brother Itachi (of the Akatsuki Group, see Uchiha Madara, #9) came into money early on in life after the tragic deaths of their parents, Fugaku and Mikoto, in a car accident. As Chief Constable of Konoha City District, Fugaku possessed a very generous life insurance policy, which enabled Sasuke and his brother to live in their own home under supervision of a guardian and attend the prestigious Konoha Academy.

An exceptionally bright boy, Konoha Academy was kind to Uchiha Sasuke, and like his brother, he was class valedictorian. His place in the competitive Business School of the University of Konoha was assured, and his intelligence, charm and natural talent saw him graduate, once again, at the top of his class with a first-class degree. Upon being released from academic life, it was no surprise that Uchiha Sasuke was quickly snapped up by Sarutobi Hiruzen (see #1) of Konoha-Suna Corp. and placed in Sales and Marketing under the leadership of the able Hatake Kakashi.

Uchiha's precocity within Konoha-Suna Corp. became quickly apparent, and it was not surprising he caught the eye of the gifted maverick and mastermind behind Otogakure Enterprises. After a hard battle, Orochimaru (see #2) managed to convince the young man to join his ranks. Orochimaru's efforts appeared to have paid off, as the pair have since become inseparable in both their private and professional lives, incurring not a little scandal along the way. Despite what is reputed to be a rather volatile relationship (if rumours are indeed true), Orochimaru and Uchiha Sasuke continue to work as a very effective team, their combined efforts having seen the profits of Otogakure Enterprises rise just shy of one-hundred percent in the last financial year.

The real reason Uchiha Sasuke makes this year's Most Influential, however, is not merely to do with his professional acumen, his glittering CV, his pay check or his political clout. It is his Kevin Bacon status. For those unfamiliar with the old internet game "6 Degrees from Kevin Bacon", the premise is simple: it is possible for any actor to be connected in some shape or form, within six degrees, to Kevin Bacon. Uchiha Sasuke is the Kevin Bacon of the business world. He has contacts with the top executives of Konoha-Suna Corp and regularly mingles with top politicians and nobility as a part of Otogakure Enterprises' drive to sell their more advanced technology to various countries. He has connections with the fast ascending Akatsuki Group, to the art world, to senior judges and members of the justice system both in Konohagakure and Sunagakure, and with the media in Mikatsuhikata TV.

He is the confidant of the rich and powerful and is at the hub of so many networks. Uchiha Sasuke's influence in the business world is surprisingly far-reaching, and that is why he merits the #33 spot in this year's Most Influential."

----

Dotted about the page are various photographs of me with various people, in which I am apparently being influential. Who knew? The first one is of me sitting with the Konoha Daimyo in the boss's formal reception room back in Otogakure, laughing with him at some shared joke. There is another of me (again in the formal reception room) with the Otogakure Daimyo, this one slightly more incriminating as I appear to be whispering something in his ear. The others are less work-related, which, I suppose, heightens the feeling of 'influence' as I obviously know these people on a personal basis. There is one of me chatting casually to Sarutobi at Asuma's wedding, and another in which I am standing outside Sunagakure General Hospital talking to Chiyo and Gaara in only a t-shirt and shorts whilst looking very tired and stressed (clearly a pap-shot, taken shortly after the boss almost became a cropper through idiocy-induced heatstroke.)

Three were obviously snapped at the evil Product of the Year awards (which I wish to forget entirely), the first of this series seeing me at the Akatsuki table, laughing my head off and looking a bit drunk; the second seeing me leaning over the back of my chair – considerably more drunk – talking to Zabuza and Haku. The last of the Product of the Year series depicts me seemingly listening with rapt attention as shite pours fourth from the mouth of my lying wanker of an uncle. This must have been the few seconds before I splashed a whole glass of wine over his fat, deserving face.

The last of the photographs, I actually rather like – so much so that I might have to cut it out and keep it. I have no idea when it would have been taken – most probably at one of the many random press conferences the boss uses to lie and tell people he and Kabuto are not doing anything illegal down in the labs. The photographer has managed to capture us in a fleeting moment of intimacy (we never act up at work – ever). It's nothing much – the boss simply resting his hand upon my lower back and whispering something to me that made me smile as we walked out of the room – but it's strangely appealing.

I am not sure why _Forbes_ see this as 'influence'. All these people just happen to be people I know – most of them, in fact, through Itachi or the boss. They're family, family friends, or friends of friends, or people I _have_ to deal with at work because it's my job! It's not like I deliberately set out to bag myself a sinisterly wide-reaching and comprehensive network of powerful individuals.

It's fair to say my inclusion on the list came as something of a shock to me, which goes some way to explain the sudden bout of uncharacteristic modesty that came over me.

"Itachi..." I began, disbelieving. "Seriously, this must be some sort of joke or something because there's no way... there's just no way..."

"Why do you say that, Sasuke?" my brother replied, frowning slightly. "Do you not think you deserve recognition for your talents?"

I turned to Itachi, my face a perfect picture of anguish. In my state of shock, I began to gabble.

"Itachi... seriously... I don't know what this is all about! You should be here on this list. You're better than me – you've _always_ been better than me. This is just... just totally wrong! I haven't done anything to deserve it!"

There was a pause. My brother's frown deepened and he tilted his head to the side, looking at me with a degree of concern before saying, "What do you mean, 'I am better than you'?"

Flustered, and slightly irritated that my brother wanted me to spell it out for him, I had to reach for words that expressed something I had known for a very long time.

"Shut up, Itachi," I said. "Of course you're better than me! You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. You're smarter, more talented, possibly better-looking – though I'd dispute that – have achieved everything I have achieved and more—"

"Sasuke," he admonished, with such force it stopped me in my tracks, "that is enough. I do not want to hear another word!" Then he paused for a prolonged moment in which he looked at me as though I had offended him irretrievably, before he went on.

"You are my little brother, Sasuke, and I am proud of you," he said. "I apologise if my words seem harsh, but it irritates me to hear you belittle yourself when you have achieved so much, and have even more to be thankful for. Your opinion of me is misplaced. I am not the man you think I am, and for all my achievements, Sasuke... I am unhappy, I am torn. I cannot count the times I have risen in the morning, thought of you and coveted your life." He paused for a moment, as if to recover himself, before adding, "Behold the great Uchiha Itachi – jealous of his younger brother. Pathetic, is it not?

There was another pause, in which I had to take the time to recover _myself_. I had never before heard my brother confess any sort of weakness, never heard him mention unhappiness or worry or uncertainty in any aspect of his life. It troubled me.

"Itachi, you're not pathetic," I said, meaning it. I know my brother better than anyone, and his words were genuine, coming from a place of hurt and desperate unhappiness. Suddenly, I felt deeply worried and sorry for him.

"Look, if you're that unhappy at Akatsuki, then quit," I said, concernedly. "Just hand in your notice to uncle Madara, leave, and don't look back. If you're worried about repercussions or contracts or lawsuits, then you can cross those bridges when you come to them. I don't want to get a call three months down the line saying you've jumped off a cliff or anything." I laughed but I was only half-joking.

Squeezing his eyes shut, my brother turned his head skyward and sighed. Then he opened them again and turned to me with just a hint of a rueful smile and said, "I cannot."

"Itachi, don't be an idiot—!"

"I cannot."

"W-What? Why? Is that all you can say? Look, if it's something to do with Madara then screw him! I don't care what you've done, I just want you out of there—!"

I hardly had time to get the words out before Itachi smiled the most genuine smile I've seen from him in a long time, leaned over, reached out and flicked my forehead like he always used to do when we were kids. It stung, like it always did, and I complained and called him names, like I always did. Itachi laughed, like always, and the sight of a brief glimmer of happiness sobered me.

"Itachi, seriously," I said rubbing my forehead. "I'm worried about you. You'll tell me if anything's bothering you, right?"

To my disappointment, Itachi held a finger to his lips and shushed me.

Like always...

"Do not worry about me," he said, as he stood up and made his way through to the kitchen. "You are not supposed to worry about me. That is what big brothers are for. Okay?"

I nodded miserably.

"Good. Now I have to get on with the washing-up. Let me know when Orochimaru wakes, for I should like to have a word with him about his reckless and inconsiderate behaviour last night."

He turned and walked out of the living-room without another word, leaving me alone on the sofa feeling confused, worried, yet... strangely happy. I know it seems incongruous to feel all those particular emotions at the same time – but right then and there, I really did. I was concerned for Itachi, obviously. He is keeping secrets from me – I am not stupid – but I'm wondering if it's even worth it bottling them up like that? He knows that I'll always be there for him – that's what little brothers are for – and that no matter what he's done, I'll support him. Itachi does tend to be very hard on himself, and I wonder if he's blown what I suppose is some sort of misdemeanour completely out of proportion? Knowing him, I'd say it's likely. I just wish he would tell me though, because Akatsuki is going to drive him mad.

I did not have much time to think on the whole Itachi issue, because not long after the others began to filter in, and I had to turn my mind to formulating cutting ripostes as they each in turn noticed the _Forbes_ article and expressed their outraged disbelief at my inclusion – even Hidan, who has an absolute cheek! A freshly-laid, neatly-coiled dog turd is more useful than him.

If I'm being completely honest, despite Itachi's encouraging words, I still do not believe I deserve a place on that list – but there's no way in hell I'm going to let that bunch of reprobates know it.

God, I hope the boss wakes up soon.

I wonder what he'll think of me being on the list? I hope he doesn't take it badly. I don't think he will. He'll probably think it's funny...

LATER:  
9:10pm

As of this moment, I am on a plane heading back to Otogakure with the boss and Suigetsu (yes Suigetsu is here. I will get to that later.) It was best for me, for all of us, to get away and give Itachi some breathing space. Suffice it to say, there was a great deal of drama this afternoon, and my brother did not come out of it well. I really do think there is something wrong with him. I haven't seen him in such a state since we were kids and the doctors still hadn't diagnosed him. He developed OCPD early on in life, and he used to have horrendous temper tantrums when things didn't go exactly the way he wanted them to (I only vaguely remember the outbursts, since my mum used to take me outside when Itachi kicked off.) After our parents died, he was taken to see a shrink who diagnosed him and got him help, and ever since then he's been a lot better.

Today, though...

It was scary.

I hope he's alright.

LATER:  
10:02pm

Tsunade and Dan's unannounced arrival at my brother's door just before lunch was not the catalyst for the huge drama that later unfolded, but it definitely got the ball rolling.

Kisame and Itachi were in the kitchen making up everyone's orders for left-over turkey sandwiches (some wanted cranberry sauce, some without, some wanted buttered bread, some didn't, some wanted pickle, and Zetsu wanted salad – it was needlessly complex.) The rest of us were lounging around in the living-room, watching _Babe, the Sheep Pig_ on TV. Right at the end of the movie, the bit that always makes me tear up, when a shaft of glittering, heavenly sunlight parts the clouds and Farmer Hogget says: "That'll do, Pig. That'll do," there was a hammering at the door. It was insistent, and had the sound of urgency to it.

"Fucking hell, who is it now?" Hidan said.

"We went through all this yesterday," Kakuzu snapped, "and the result is upstairs drooling on a duvet. Seriously— Right that is it! Get the door will you, Sasuke?"

"Why me?"

"Because it's Itachi's house and you're next of kin. Plus, it's probably for you anyway. Sounds like trouble, and you and trouble are like fat kids and cake."

So I was sent to answer the door, grumbling and muttering mutinously to myself the whole way. The person, whoever it was, was still banging on the door. Frowning, I threw it open, intent on giving the disturber of our peace a mouthful. Instead, I came face-to-face with a very, very angry Tsunade. I don't know if I have ever discussed this before on my journal, but she can be almost as frightening as the boss when she loses it – she just doesn't have his malicious streak. Just behind her, peering over her shoulder with a nervous grin, was Dan. He waved at me and said hi.

As I stood there gaping, she wasted no time.

"_Where is he?"_ she demanded. Fire blazed in her eyes.

"Wh- where's who?" I said, genuinely afraid and not knowing what she meant.

"_Orochimaru!"_ she snarled, pushing past me. Her eyes darted from left to right and when she spotted the stairs, she gestured roughly at them and snapped, "Is he up there?"

"Errr... yeah, but he's still asleep, so I wouldn't—"

I hadn't even finished spluttering out my sentence and she was already charging halfway up the stairs. Each stomp made the balusters tremble, and were as footfalls of doom, heralding woe. Tsunade was clenching and unclenching her fists and I swear steam was coming out of her nostrils. Suddenly fretting, I ran upstairs after her. Dan saw himself in.

"Tsunade, if this is about not calling you to tell you to tell you he was okay—"

"Shut up!" she barked. "Which room?"

"Errr... th-that one there. Second on the right. Umm... Tsunade? What are you going to do?"

It wasn't long before I found out. Stopping square in front of my bedroom door, she didn't even have the courtesy to roar out a warning before she kicked it open and charged in like an angry rhino. Spotting the boss immediately, who had woken with a start when the door battered against the wall, her cheeks flared red and she headed straight for him, smacking a fist meaningfully into her palm.

The boss was obviously still sleepy, and probably thought he was dreaming at first, as he sat up, rubbed his eyes and peered at her.

"Tsunade?" he said, puzzled.

He probably wished it had been a dream.

"OROCHIMARU!" she thundered, stopping at the end of the bed and forcing her hands on her hips. Her body language was extremely threatening. Even though he was very tired, the boss still has no excuse for not having picked up on it.

"Tsunade, what—?" the boss managed to croak out, before Tsunade grabbed the bottom of the quilt and ripped it off the bed.

"YOU STUPID, STUPID MAN!" she roared, as she vaulted onto the mattress and started smacking the boss across the head, punctuating her speech with vicious slaps. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, RUNNING OFF TO CHASE THAT BOY HALFWAY ACROSS THE CONTINENT – AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE COURTESY TO LET US KNOW WHERE YOU WERE GOING! SARUTOBI IS WORRIED SICK! I AM WORRIED SICK! YOU LEFT THAT POOR KID KIMIMARO IN HYSTERICS, AND WE EVEN HAD TO PHONE JIRAIYA AND KIKU AND NOW THEY'RE LOOKING FOR YOU!"

The boss, safe to say, had woken up at that point, and was trying frantically to get away from Tsunade, who had worked herself up into a frenzy and was basically just beating him. As for me, I was standing at the door, laughing my head off. I know that maybe I should have helped him, but it was just too much. I may also have been harbouring lingering feelings of resentment towards him for all the shit he put me through, which is fair enough really considering how bad it was. And besides, it's kind of hard to fend someone off when you can't see because of the copious tears of laugher streaming from your eyes.

"TSU... TSU- _TSUNADE_, GET OFF ME, YOU MAD BITCH!"

"MAD BITCH?" Tsunade howled as she gripped his arm like a vice and gave the boss the mother of all Chinese burns. "YOU'RE THE MAD ONE! RUNNING AWAY WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE AND STANDING OUT IN THE FREEZING RAIN LIKE THAT FOR HOURS! AND I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT, DON'T TRY TO DENY IT! KABUTO TOLD ME!"

"WHAT?" the boss yelled angrily, as he blocked another of Tsunade's blistering red-hander slaps. "DON'T BE OBTUSE! HOW WOULD HE KNOW?"

"SASUKE TOLD HIM ON THE PHONE!" Tsunade shrieked, finishing the boss by planting a ringing blow on the side of the head.

The boss staggered and tumbled onto the mattress. He looked at me accusingly for a moment, but was forced to turn his attention back to his opponent as she came at him again, fists flying. Scrabbling for purchase on the carpet, he bolted for the door, almost tripping over Mallory as the cat came round the corner looking for his litter-box. Faced with two charging humans coming straight at him, Mallory yowled in fright and shot in the opposite direction. The boss sprinted along the corridor, Tsunade in hot pursuit.

Almost doubled over laughing, followed them downstairs. The boss tried to escape through the front door, but he fumbled the chain and couldn't get it off in time. Tsunade's fist missed him by inches, and he spun round and dashed for the living room. They both hit it at a run, surprising the assembled Akatsuki members who seemed to have been in the middle of watching _Jingle All the Way_.

"Hey look who's finally up!" Deidara's voice sang, before the boss leapt clear over the coffee table, knocking over a cup of tea and the stack of turkey sandwiches. Tsunade stormed in after, hot on his heels. There was an explosion of chaos, confusion and raised voices. Dan was over at the glass cabinets, admiring my brother's ornaments, quite the thing.

"WHAT THE FUCK?! WHERE DID SHE COME FROM?" Hidan yelled. "OW, WATCH IT!"

"MY TEA!" Zetsu cried.

"MY SANDWICHES!" Kakuzu shouted.

"MY FOOT!" Kisame hollered.

"FIVE-SECOND RULE!" Deidara called out. "WE CAN STILL EAT THEM, IT'S ALRIGHT—! ORO, YOU MORON, STOP _STANDING_ ON THEM!"

There was a clatter and a plop in the kitchen. The sound of cutlery dropping onto the counter and a saucepan falling in the sink – sounds that could be associated with only one person. A dish towel slung over his shoulder, my brother appeared, wearing a faint frown and looking puzzled by all the commotion.

He only had time to ask, "What's going on?" before he stepped out of the doorway and was bounced aside by Tsunade's massive knockers.

"Orochimaru, get over here so I can talk to you! I am not going to shout over a table at you!" Tsunade yelled angrily.

It was hilarious. At one side of the coffee table stood Tsunade, her fingers twitching as though she would have loved nothing more than to reach over and strangle the boss. At the other stood the object of her ire, still in Itachi's grey hoodie and sweatpants, minus make-up and with his hair all a-tangle. For a few moments, they attempted to chase each other round the table, squishing sandwiches into my brother's new carpet, before their age and unfitness caught up with them. By this time, the rest of Akatsuki were helpless with laughter.

"Go on, Tsunade!"

"Kick him in the nuts!"

"Twist his nipples until he squeals!"

The circus, however, was not to last, as Dan had kindly helped my brother to his feet – and Itachi was not happy. He was obviously fuming and was exerting quite a lot of effort on maintaining his composure.

"What—" he began, through gritted teeth, "—are you doing in my home, Tsunade? I do not recall having extended the invitation!"

Tsunade, also through gritted teeth, replied with an unnecessary degree of disdain.

"I apologise, _Itachi_, for the intrusion but I wished to teach my idiot friend a lesson he won't forget in a hurry. Didn't think you'd mind, since you two aren't exactly best friends."

"And why would you wish to teach Orochimaru a lesson? What has he done to you that warrants this frankly thoughtless behaviour?"

"Nothing!" the boss shouted, finally joining in. "I forgot to phone her, apparently, to tell her I was alright – not that I ever got the message..."

"DON'T LIE!" Tsunade bellowed, hurling an accusing finger at the boss, forgetting all about my brother. "YOU WERE SO BUSY DROOLING OVER SASUKE YOU FORGOT ALL ABOUT POOR SARUTOBI AND EVERYONE ELSE WAITING FOR YOU AT HOME—!"

"I AM NOT LYING, YOU FAT, HAM-FISTED TROLL!" the boss screamed. "SASUKE-KUN DID NOT MENTION ANY PHONE CALLS—!"

"You leave my brother out of this!" Itachi said warningly, taking a step forward.

The boss threw his hands in the air and rounded on my brother.

"Oh shut your fucking mouth, Itachi," he snarled. "I did not say anything bad about Sasuke-kun. Why would I say anything bad about Sasuke-kun? All I said was that he did not deliver a message to me. It was a fact – not a judgement upon his character."

My brother fell silent for a moment and observed the boss, standing across the room on the other side of the coffee table. Itachi's head was tilted to one side, ever so slightly, and he looked as though he were sizing up the gap between them and how long it would take him to close it and knock out a few of the boss's teeth.

"Why are you still here, Orochimaru?" he said, reverting to his customary monotone.

"Why have you not yet kicked me out?"

"You know perfectly well, Orochimaru," Itachi replied smoothly. "It is only because of Sasuke you are still here."

The boss smiled a horrible smile and leaned forward, knowing he had my brother verbally in check.

"Then you have your answer to both questions, don't you?" he said nastily.

My brother's jaw went rigid. It was lucky Tsunade decided to chip in when she did, otherwise, I think Itachi would have punched the boss right then and there.

"And it is because of Sasuke that you ran away – without telling anyone – and stood out in the rain all night until he let you in!"

Naturally, I took offence to Tsunade's unfair portioning of the blame upon myself, and felt the need to defend my position.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I insisted, taking a step forward. "Excuse me? It wasn't because of me. I didn't _make_ him come here, did I?"

"No," Tsunade agreed, "but would he have come here slavering over Kisame? I don't think so—!"

"_Excuse_ me. There was absolutely no need for that," Kisame said mullishly.

"Look, it doesn't matter!" Tsunade said irritably. "I could've picked any one of you numbskulls, but the end result is the same. He ran here like a complete idiot because of Sasuke."

"Pfft, I could've told you that," Deidara said snidely, "and I'm a numbskull, apparently..."

"Shut up, Deidara," the boss snapped. "This is nothing to do with you!"

"No you shut up!" Deidara shouted, pointing a finger at the boss. "It became something to do with me the minute your mad bitch of a friend called me a numbskull!"

"WHO'S A MAD BITCH?"

"_YOU'RE_ A MAD BITCH!"

"DON'T YOU DARE SPEAK TO TSUNADE LIKE THAT!"

"WHY NOT? YOU DID!"

"Pay no heed to him, Deidara. Orochimaru is a hypocrite. He does whatever he likes with no regard for others—"

The boss's eyes flashed and he turned, once again, on my brother.

"Thus spake Saint Itachi..." the boss snarled. "I don't think! You are the hypocrite! You have always sought to manipulate and control Sasuke-kun, despite telling him you have his best interests at heart. You have attempted to sabotage my relationship with him from day one! You have repeatedly told him he is free to make his own decisions, yet to seek to influence him at every turn!"

"How dare you..." my brother said. His tone was low and quiet, but it seemed the boss had gotten under his skin, for his voice was wavering with anger. "You are shameless, Orochimaru. You accuse me of trying to control my brother when you were the one who sought to restrict his freedom and isolate him from his friends and family because you wanted to keep him like a pet!"

"Something I deeply regret, Itachi, and something I have already apologised for. I have cleared the air with your brother, Itachi – a courtesy I wish you would extend him."

Itachi's eyes widened.

"What exactly do you mean by that?"

In the background, Tsunade and Deidara – the two blondes – were screaming in each other's faces. Sasori had stood up to defend his art partner in crime and Kisame was throwing his hands up in the air and shouting about how Tsunade had called him ugly. Dan was still intent on staying out of the chaos, and had retreated into the kitchen, coming out with a cup of tea. He sat down on the chair next to the little writing desk and picked up the crumpled copy of _Forbes_ from the floor.

In front of me, my significant other and my brother were squaring off – and I had no idea what to do. Once again, I was caught in the middle, with no clue who to defend or how to diffuse the situation. If I had known what was going to happen later, I really would have tried harder to calm them down.

"Itachi..." I began, but my brother silenced me, laying a hand on my arm.

"No, Sasuke," he said gravely. "Let him say what he has to say."

The boss smiled nastily. It was an open invitation. He never shies from open invitations.

"Well, I thought you would know exactly what I'm talking about, since you're so clever and all," he began. "Or maybe you _do_ know what I'm talking about and are feigning ignorance in front of your brother?"

"What are you talking about, Orochimaru?" my brother snapped, his eyes narrowing.

"You accuse me of having lied to Sasuke. And yes, I admit, I have lied to him in the past as he has lied to me in turn. Now, though, the air between us has cleared – there are no more secrets, no more lies. But there are secrets and lies yet, my dear Itachi, and you are their keeper."

"Be quiet," my brother stated baldly. "You cannot control yourself. Every other word that comes out of your mouth is a falsehood."

"Oh, Itachi, stop it!" the boss scoffed. "I know well that you have been keeping secrets from Sasuke. We have been together for several years now. You think Sasuke does not confide in me about his fears and niggling worries? You are lying to him about something. Sasuke-kun knows it, I know it, and I suspect you know it best of all..."

Then, with a certain inevitability, the boss moved in for the kill, leaning right into Itachi's face and saying through clenched teeth, "You are lying to your brother. He knows it, yet still he shows faith in you. He will put up with your lies, will give you innumerable second-chances, will defend you until his last breath – and how do you repay him? You take advantage of his love for you, lie to him over and over and over again, and I find it disgusting to watch—"

"ITACHI, NO!"

I could see the warning signs, so I was prepared. When Itachi lunged for the boss, I grabbed his arms and held onto them as hard as I could. Itachi fought like a tiger though – whatever demons had possessed him lending him unnatural strength – and he managed to break free. It was only because Kisame intervened and caught him a second later that he didn't do any damage. As soon as Itachi raised his voice, everyone else laid down their weapons and ceased their petty skirmishes, turning their shocked attention instead to the war that was brewing at hand.

"KISAME, GET OFF ME!" Itachi shouted. "GET OFF ME!"

"Let him go, Kisame!" the boss laughed, with a fey glint in his eye. "I've been looking forward to this for ages! Come on, Itachi! Show me what you've got!"

Pushed over the edge by the boss's taunts, Itachi began to struggle wildly. His eyes were locked on the boss, and I swear the fury reflected in them made me shiver. It came to the point Kisame couldn't handle him on his own, and Sasori and Deidara stepped in. I tried to help, but Tsunade grabbed me by the shoulder and shook her head. She was probably right. I don't think it would've helped, as Itachi would've no doubt thought I was trying to defend the boss and totally lost it. Between the three of them, they managed to drag Itachi into the corridor and out into the back garden. He thrashed and kicked the whole way, screaming at the boss.

"I SWEAR, OROCHIMARU! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!"

When Itachi's screams finally faded away, there was a heavy silence. No one made eye contact. Kakuzu was standing staring out the window, and he puffed out his cheeks in relief. Tsunade was staring at the carpet, filthy now with all the sandwiches and spilled drinks ground into it. Even Hidan looked vaguely shocked. Outside, rain began to fall, pattering on the windows. It wasn't long before my brother's voice could be heard again, raised in agitation. I walked over to the window and twitched the curtain aside. Itachi was pacing back and forth on the lawn in the back garden and shouting – the others raising their hands in conciliatory gestures, attempting to mollify him. A hot wave of anger rose in me and I turned to the boss.

"What the hell did you have to go and say that for?" I snapped.

"It is true, Sasuke. You know it is."

"I know it's true!" I cried. "But for god's sake, look what you've done to him!"

"I am fed up with him treating you in such a way!"

"I know but I wanted him to tell me what was going on! I was handling it, okay? Now he's just going to shut down! He's not going to tell me anything in that state, is he?"

It was while I was remonstrating with the boss that the next layer of drama was added to my day. We were sniping at each other, and the doorbell rang. Irritated, I shouted at someone to get the door. Still at the writing-desk reading the copy of _Forbes_, Dan was nearest, and he set off with a sad little sigh.

"Sasuke-kun, please don't be angry with me."

"Well, you could've handled it better."

"You are not angry with me?"

"Look, I'm not _really_ angry with you. I'm a _bit_ angry with you. I understand why you said it, but you didn't have to say it – and certainly not in the way you said it."

"What can I say? Your brother brings out the worst in me."

"Evidently..."

"Don't be like that, Sasuke-kun. Please look at me? Thank you. I have a suggestion."

"Hit me with it."

"I shall do my best from now on to be unobtrusive, and I shall stay away from him and give him time to calm down. Lord knows he needs it. Then, perhaps, you could use my spiteful tirade as an opening to get him to talk, hmm?"

Right at that moment, the living-room door opened and the boss's good intentions were shattered into a million tiny pieces. There was no way in the nine circles of Hell he could've been unobtrusive when Kimimaro made his appearance. On the contrary, he was instantly thrust into the centre of everyone's attention and remained there until my brother could take it no longer.

Behind me, there was a creak. On instinct, I turned to face the source of the noise, thinking it might've been Deidara, Sasori or Kisame coming back inside. Instead I was greeted with the sight of Kaguya Kimimaro. I really should be more used to seeing him by now, but he still triggers a really unpleasant, inherent emotional reaction from me whenever I lay eyes on him. I swear it's like some sort of weird, Pavlovian response. His silvery-white hair, moon-pale skin, broad shoulders and his sombre aristocratic grace – everything about him puts me on edge. I feel nervous around him, sometimes a little sick. Before the whole disgusting mess at the Product of the Year awards, I felt exactly the same way but couldn't place it because I refused to believe he could ever challenge me. Now, though I know why. It is because he is a real threat, and boy have I ever been made to acknowledge it.

I turned to face him, and he was there, his wide eyes staring at us in disbelief – Suigetsu just coming into view behind him, looking incredibly uncomfortable. Next to me, the boss froze, but not before he reached for me and rested his hand upon my shoulder. I think that was all Kimimaro needed. His eyes filling up with tears, he uttered a strangled cry and fled.

"Oh here we go..." Suigetsu muttered, as he whipped round and followed after him.

For a horrible moment, my mind went completely blank. Kimimaro was here, and I had absolutely no idea what to do about it. My mind was awhirl with sudden panic, and I was very, very scared – scared he'd take the boss away from me again. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to march straight outside, have it out with him and punch him until his fat, moon-face caved in. But I couldn't do it. I didn't even want to go near him in case it happened all over again.

In the living room, there was a long silence, eventually broken by Hidan who decided to chip in and offer us a slice of his rock-hard stupidity.

"Who the hell was that guy?" he said loudly. "Did he get the wrong house or something? Looks familiar, though."

"That, Hidan, was Kisame's cousin," Kakuzu replied.

"Pfft... yeah, I _know_ Suigetsu. Who was the other guy again?"

"That was Kisame's other cousin."

"Oh right? Who's that then?"

"Hidan, sometimes your stupidity surprises even me," Kakuzu said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "It was Kimimaro."

Thinking, as a process, does not come naturally to Hidan, and I fancy he had to turn Kimimaro's name around in his tiny mind quite a few times before his lamentable excuse for a memory registered it and retrieved relevant recollections from the dusty depths of the Hidan archives.

"Oh yeah, Kimimaro!" he said, slapping a hand across his knee. "Totally knew his face! Never knew he was related to Kisame, though. But man, wasn't he trying to get back together with Oro... or... or... something...?" he added uncertainly, trailing off and wisely shutting up as Tsunade fixed him with a baleful glare.

With Hidan silenced, Tsunade marched forward towards the window. Throwing the curtain back with purpose, she looked left, right, and spotted something that made her frown. Unable to help my curiosity, I broke free of the boss, feeling his hand slip off my shoulder, and went to join her.

My brother's garden is surprisingly beautiful, even in winter. There is a rockery, a small fish-pond, raised beds and a square patch near the back where Itachi grows herbs and vegetables when he can find a spare second. The irises that grow throughout the garden are his favourites by far, and he tends to them very carefully. There's a clump of winter-blooming Algerian irises in the stony patch next to the fence he's very fond of. They came with the garden and already they're starting to bud. Itachi was staring blankly at them as he sat on the low, dry-stone wall enclosing the rockery. It seemed he had only just calmed down. Kisame was crouched down on the grass, talking to him, while Deidara stood a little away with Sasori, who was smoking.

I watched as Kimimaro came charging out into the back garden, flinging himself in a heap on the grass. He was sobbing hysterically. I could hear him through the window. Then Suigetsu came into view. He approached Kimimaro at a reluctant trot but gave up halfway, throwing his hands in the air, as though he knew Kimimaro couldn't be reasoned with. My brother looked up at the sudden intrusion, but did nothing. For a moment, Kisame searched my brother's face, and when Itachi nodded, he calmly walked over to Kimimaro and knelt down beside him. I had to look away.

"Oro..." a low voice said, firm but not unkind. It was Tsunade. "This isn't fair. Talk to him. Now."

My stomach did a nervous little flip and I looked round at the boss. He was standing a few paces away, at the coffee table where I'd left him, wearing a strange, closed expression. Then he noticed me staring at him and he smiled.

"So much for remaining under the radar," he said.

He paused for a moment, as though considering something, before dropping the bomb. "I would like to get this over with, Sasuke-kun," he said. "It is long, long overdue."

I couldn't speak, so I tried to pretend I was okay by smiling back. It wasn't very convincing. The boss seemed to notice, for he held out his hand.

"Come, Sasuke-kun. I want you to hear this."

Before I knew it, he had closed the gap between us and I felt his hand wrap around mine (it was cold – his hands are always cold). We walked outside together and as soon as I felt the mist-like rain touch my face I realised I looked absolutely terrible. My hair was half air-dried and I was wearing my lounge clothes and no shoes. This did nothing to increase my confidence.

Outside, Kimimaro's sobs were much more pronounced. He was crying so hard his shoulders were shaking. A few feet away, my brother sat on the rockery wall, no longer watching Kimimaro – he had instead turned his intent gaze upon me. For a brief moment, our eyes met and I had to look away because I felt a twist of residual shame. I was still holding the boss's hand, after all, and I didn't want him to see that. Not then. Maybe not ever, because I know how it makes him feel. So much for this morning's resolve.

Behind us, I heard footsteps as the rest of the spectators who were still inside gravitated to the porch. Obviously they wished to watch without getting wet – to have their drama-frosted, angst-filled cake and eat it, the gutless bastards. Sasori and Deidara wandered over and Tsunade started handing out cigarettes.

Eventually, the moment came when the boss had to let go of my hand. He gave it a little extra squeeze before he did so, and I felt his hand brush against my arm – a reassuring gesture. I stopped a few paces away from Kimimaro and started to fidget. I really didn't want to get any closer and was fighting the strong urge to just dash back into the house so I wouldn't have to hear the boss talking to him; so I wouldn't have to endure all the knowing looks from the others later; or most importantly, the disapproval of my brother.

"Kisame..." the boss said. "A moment, please."

Kisame shook his head and drew the boss a filthy look, but he stepped aside. I could do nothing but stand awkwardly off to the side and watch.

The boss crouched down beside the weeping Kimimaro and twitched aside a strand of his silvery hair.

"Kimimaro-kun..." the boss ventured. "Would you speak with me?"

"I knew it," Kimimaro said hoarsely, face down on the wet grass. "I knew you'd be here with him."

"Then why did you come?"

"Because I wanted to see it with my own eyes, even though I knew it'd kill me."

"How did you know to come here to find me?"

"I- I overheard Kabuto saying to Yoroi that... that he was thinking of sending another Christmas card to Sasuke, since the first would probably never get to him. I guessed he knew where he was hiding, s-so I looked in his address book and found his name under Itachi's with a circle round it."

"And Suigetsu?"

"He... was kind enough to drive me. I was in no fit state to do it myself."

"I see."

"We left not long after Tsunade and Dan. She told me not to come, but I could not stand idly by when... when..."

He burst into fresh floods of tears and buried his face in the grass. The boss laid a hand on his shoulder and tried to coax the words out of him.

"When what, Kimimaro-kun?"

But Kimimaro ignored him. Instead he sniffed, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his kimono, and sat up. His face was covered in grass stains and there were leaves in his hair. His pale eyes looked sore from crying and they were locked on the boss, but instead of their usual look – desperate infatuation – they betrayed weary resignation. I knew that look. He was tired of fighting. I am not proud to say it, but my heart soared.

"I've lost you, haven't I?" he said hoarsely, twisting his fingers in agitation.

The boss nodded. "I am afraid so," he said.

Kimimaro's eyes filled up again, but he blinked them back. He nodded bitterly and then looked levelly at the boss.

"I dared to dream that my life with you could have been beautiful. You've certainly put me in my place."

The boss's only reply was a mysterious smile.

"Fine..." he said. "I understand. But can I just say one thing?"

"Of course."

"I have no idea what you see in him," he said, suddenly venomous. It all came out in a rush, as though he had been bottling it all up for god knows how long.

"He's pretty face, I will give you that – but I thought you looked for more in a person, Orochimaru-sama! He is so... horrible. So, so horrible and arrogant and power-hungry and shallow and disrespectful and _insufferably_ argumentative. I see him deliberately manipulating you, Orochimaru-sama! He knows he is beautiful, and he flaunts his beauty in front of you, turns it on whenever he needs to, and he knows very well that you will acquiesce because, for some reason, you cannot resist him – even though you know he's doing it!

You spoil him, Orochimaru-sama. You spoil him by letting him treat you with such disrespect. The way he speaks to you – it is disgusting! I would never... never..."

Kimimaro broke off, having once more worked himself up into a frenzied agitation. The boss, however, looked thoughtful.

"You are right, Kimimaro-kun," he said after a pause, my cheeks flaring red with indignation at his unexpected remark. "He can be all of those things, and I do agree with you most strongly on his argumentative streak. I criticise and he argues; I praise him to the hilt and he contradicts me with sudden bouts of sullen modesty. He is most peculiar in this regard, and contrary to what you might believe, I must confess to deriving a certain pleasure from it. Arguing with Sasuke-kun is most entertaining; and he does possess many other positive qualities aside from being uncommonly attractive. Sasuke will no doubt be hideously embarrassed to hear me say this, but I care not. I will bear his truculent diffidence."

Hanging around awkwardly a few paces away, I rolled my eyes and huffed. It was all for show, though, for I was listening.

"He possesses two rather rare qualities which endear him to me; indeed, they rather mystify me, since I do not believe I myself possess them. Though Sasuke-kun may preen and strut and argue and stare moodily across the room at you while in a sulk, at his heart lies a core of pure, lily-white naïveté, which is at once refreshing, fascinating and utterly alien to me. It is this core from which springs his tendency to care very deeply for those close to him – though his other less desirable qualities would never let him show it.

He is also a rather intelligent young man – absolutely no head for science, but I cannot have it all ways – and he is very, very funny at times."

Kimimaro's lip began to quiver, and the boss wisely decided to quit while he was ahead.

"I know that was probably not what you wanted to hear, but you did ask."

"I know..." Kimimaro said in a hollow voice, tugging at a fistful of grass.

There was a long pause, during which neither of them made eye contact. The wind picked up, as did the rain. My grungy lounge clothes were not at all suitable for outdoors and I shivered. The involuntary, physical reaction was of course nothing to do with the fact that my heart was in my mouth at the prospect of one of my long-awaited wishes about to come true.

Eventually, Kimimaro spoke.

"He makes you happy?"

When the boss nodded, his face twisted momentarily in grief before resuming its flat, desolate look.

"Then I have one more question, if I may?"

"By all means," the boss said, graciously.

"Did you ever love me?"

A few seconds elapsed before the boss replied, but it felt so much longer. When the words passed Kimimaro's lips, I couldn't help myself. Wide-eyed, I stared at the boss, willing him, pleading silently with him not to say anything stupid. He did not notice me, being too busy then with Kimimaro, but his reply, when it came, startled me.

"Almost," he said, so quiet I nearly missed it.

"Almost?" Kimimaro whispered.

"I was not very pleased when you left me. In fact, I was rather at a loss – for longer than I had anticipated. Of course, there was a measure of pride involved, but I do believe had I not hired Sasuke-kun matters would have played out rather differently."

"You know that was a mistake!" Kimimaro insisted. "You know how much I love you. I adore you, Orochimaru-sama. You know I would do anything for you, anything to make you happy."

"I know."

"And you would still choose Uchiha Sasuke over me?"

"... I am afraid so."

On the ground, exhausted, emotionally battered and utterly defeated, Kimimaro's head fell into his hands. He sighed a long, shuddering sigh. At length, he looked up. His eyes bright with unshed tears, he put on a brittle smile, rose shakily to his feet and said, "Well... now I know. I suppose there is nothing left to say."

"I suspect you are right, but truly, Kimimaro-kun, I wish you well. I do not know what you would prefer regarding working arrangements, but—"

"I do not think I will be able to continue working for you, Orochimaru-sama," Kimimaro interrupted, unintentionally curt. "I could not bear it."

The boss nodded. "I understand. I will be sorry to lose you. You are bright, talented and uncommonly useful, but if you wish it, I shall release you."

"Thank you," Kimimaro said with immense effort, before he turned and began to slowly walk away, his arms wrapped around himself. He looked very small.

Just as he reached me, he stopped and regarded me with an expression that was too tired to be jealous, too numb to be wretched, yet those feelings were there, simmering under the surface. My whole body tensed, ready for a conflict that in the end did not come to pass. All he wanted, it seemed, were a final few words.

"Congratulations, Uchiha-san," he stated. "You've won."

"Yeah," I said, lamely, unable for some reason to string a more cogent sentence together.

"How does it feel?"

"Great," I lied.

There was a short pause, in which Kimimaro looked me up and down with the faintest hint of distaste. Then he said, "Winner takes all, yes?"

"Absolutely."

"Then may you endeavour to deserve your prize."

With what vestiges of dignity he had left, Kaguya Kimimaro turned and walked out of my life; his grace and aristocratic bearing enabling him to hold his head high and conceal the acute sense of loss that had earlier spilled out. The hem of his silvery kimono, streaked with grass-stains, was fluttering in the gathering breeze. The iron-grey sky overhead set off its subdued colours, and combined to paint a rather forlorn picture.

I flinched when Kisame strode past me, calling out over his shoulder that he was going to take Kimimaro back to his house in Kirigakure and that he would return later to collect his things. Suigetsu shouted back, asking if he needed any help. Kisame gratefully accepted and Suigetsu ran inside, saying he'd make a start on packing his stuff. Tsunade and Dan followed, offering them a ride to the port, since Kisame had had a few drinks. Again, Kisame gratefully accepted, and they all filed back inside in silence, respecting Kimimaro's very public loss.

Then, just like that, they were gone.

It was only then that Kimimaro's words really began to sink in. I _had_ won. And not only had I won, but Kimimaro had acknowledged it, had seen reason, and was as far as I knew not going to further pursue relations with the boss. I should've been ecstatic, but instead I sort of stood there, looking a little lost, in a puzzled sort of trance. I didn't know how to feel. To whoop and cheer at Kimimaro's misfortune, though I had very much earned the right, suddenly seemed a tasteless thing to do. To feel sympathy for him, however, was something I could never contemplate.

My brother's voice startled me from my reverie, with a suggestion as to how I should feel – one I did not agree with.

"A lucky escape," Itachi said, his low voice carrying through the wind and rain. "Kimimaro is fortunate, indeed. He deserves much better than you, Orochimaru. Hopefully, in time, he will come to realise it; unless your disgusting treatment of him has so addled his wits he will heedlessly cling to the fantasy of affection you wrongly encouraged in him."

Behind me, the boss's polite reply was laced with its usual sarcasm.

"Your words of wisdom would be better spent cheering his spirit, rather than used to satisfy your petty and futile desire to belittle me. Perhaps you should go and make yourself useful?"

"And leave you here alone with my brother so you may worm your way back into his affections?" Itachi gave a hollow laugh. "Absolutely not. You have cast aside Kimimaro for nothing. My brother is not stupid enough to fall for your lies a second time. He is not Kimimaro."

"No, you are right," the boss mused. "He is not Kimimaro. I would not lie to him, therefore if he were to give me a second chance, I would hesitate to call it stupidity."

"He will not give you a second chance!" Itachi said viciously, pushing himself to his feet.

My chest began to tighten with worry. I knew exactly where this conversation was going, and it was the very opposite of what I had planned. I wanted a quiet word with my brother, in private; perhaps several hours alone in the kitchen, or in his room, so I could justify myself and acclimatize him to the idea. Not this: a verbal slanging match in front of an audience between him and my significant other, in which the latter wielded his words so carelessly that it pushed Itachi to breaking point.

With a nasty smile, the boss dropped the bomb.

"What makes you think he hasn't already?"

Everyone turned and stared directly at me. There followed a horrible silence in which Itachi looked at me in incredulous disbelief. A flush of embarrassment crept across my cheeks and I couldn't meet his eye. I turned away. A second later, I heard Itachi's footsteps advancing rapidly across the lawn, and the next moment I felt him grab me by the shoulders and spin me around so I was forced to look into his eyes.

We all knew that Itachi at least had a suspicion the boss's words were true. He had seen us holding hands earlier on. Perhaps he was in denial and did not want it to become anything more than a suspicion. Perhaps he had convinced himself the boss had forced me to do it, or was merely leading me outside into the garden in his typically domineering manner. At any rate, the image was clearly troubling him. Cracks were appearing in the walls of cold logic and reasoning he had built about him. When they came down, in their place blazed a hot, relentless fury.

"Sasuke," he urged, gripping me tightly by the shoulders. "Please tell me you have not let yourself be charmed again by that manipulative snake. Tell me you have not! Tell me!"

Alarmed, struggling for words, I hesitated.

The hesitation was all my brother needed for confirmation. It had rendered me utterly transparent, and he looked into my eyes and read everything there. He did not like what he saw.

"It's true," he said quietly. I felt his arms suddenly drop away from my shoulders as he relinquished his grip. "It's true..."

"I-Itachi, I'm sorry—" I stuttered, only managing to get those three words out before he spun round and punched the boss in the face as hard as he could.

The boss had absolutely no warning, so when Itachi's fist connected, he took the full force of the blow and went reeling. There was a great cry from the porch, and Kakuzu and Hidan and the others who were left sprung into action. They weren't quick enough, though, for the boss recovered in a split second. With a feral snarl, he launched himself at Itachi, and the two of them were going at it like the hammers of hell, pummelling each other with astonishing ferocity.

I was nearest, and Kakuzu was fastest (Deidara and Sasori stopping to put out their cigarettes before doing anything), so it fell to us to separate them. Kakuzu shoulder-charged the boss and forced him back, tackling him to the ground. At the same time, I managed to grab my brother round the waist, hooked my leg around his and tripped him, sending him falling too. As soon as he hit the ground he twisted to get up and try again, so I wasted no time, jumping on top of him and pinning him fast.

Through the red haze of his rage, Itachi looked up at me. His eyes spoke of betrayal and I felt a stab of shame. The boss had obviously landed a punch or at least caught him a glancing blow with his long nails, as there was a small cut above his eye beginning to trickle blood.

"Itachi, stop it!" I hissed, struggling to hold him still. "You're going to get yourself hurt, or worse still, arrested! Do you hear me?"

Ignoring me completely, he looked past me and started roaring at the boss from his prostrate position on the ground.

"YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY BROTHER! YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY BROTHER, OR SO HELP ME, I'LL KILL YOU OROCHIMARU!"

The boss, who had somehow managed to get to his feet, roared back from over Kakuzu's shoulder, "MAKE ME! I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY! GO ON! GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT!"

Beneath me, Itachi gave a great heave and the world turned upside down. He tipped me off him, and before I knew it, he was on his feet and striding towards the house without so much as a word. Puzzled by what I saw as a wild change in tack, I called out after him, but he ignored me yet again, shoving past Deidara and Sasori before he disappeared indoors.

Dumbstruck, I just stood there for a moment, breathing hard. Behind me, Kakuzu released the boss and he came straight over. I was still on edge, though, and irritated with his idiotic behaviour.

A livid bruise was beginning to bloom upon the arch of his cheekbone where Itachi had landed that initial blow and he snapped, "Your brother, Sasuke, needs locking up!"

"Oh and you were much better, goading him on like that?"

"Forgive me, I didn't realise I was supposed to stand there and take all his abuse!"

"You were pushing his damned buttons! You should have just ignored him! I told you earlier—"

"I cannot ignore him. Not when it comes to you, Sasuke-kun. There is too much at stake. He will simply have to get it into his thick head that my intentions towards you are genuine!"

"Well, it's obvious why he was worried. And if I'd had a spare minute – one that wasn't filled with flying fists – I would've sat him down on the sofa and told him!"

"And you think he would've believed you?"

"If I'd mentioned the counselling, yes!" The boss visibly clamed up when I mentioned the counselling, and I called him out on it while I was on a roll.

"What, you're regretting promising to go? Well, remember it's a deal-breaker! After that sorry display, there's no way you're getting out of it!"

"Did I say I wanted out?" the boss said, waspishly.

"Your face did!"

"Well, I'm going to go through with it, just to prove you wrong."

"Oh wonderful!" I said, sarcasm dripping from every syllable. "That's exactly the right attitude. It's a wonder our relationship has gone so smoothly."

"Yes? Well maybe while you're there, Sasuke-kun, you can solicit some advice on how to stop being such a pain in the arse!"

On the fringes stood, Deidara, Sasori, Zetsu, Hidan and Kakuzu, looking as though they weren't quite sure what to do. As the boss and I were working up towards a minor argument, they kept casting each other wary glances, wondering if it was serious enough to warrant breaking up or if this was just par for the course for the boss and I. It was more the latter, for we were just letting off a bit of steam. When I think about it, it really is a wonder our relationship lasted as long as it has (not counting the major upsets, of course.)

"Oh yeah?" I shouted back. "When I'm finished, I'll report back and give you some tips, you horrible shit!"

"Name-calling, Sasuke? Oh how low we have sunk..."

"You started it!" I yelled, outraged. "You called me a pain in the arse!"

"Well you are! And I don't think any amount of counselling is going to change that hard-wired characteristic!"

"Oh, so you really don't want to go, do you?"

"Of course I don't want to go, but I'm going to have to, aren't I?" the boss snapped, with an angry flail. "I would rather like to keep you, Sasuke-kun, and in case you haven't yet noticed, I have already made something of an effort to make amends. I would have been perfectly content to remain calm and unobtrusive for the rest of the day had your brother not decided to launch himself at me. In fact, I would have loved nothing more than to go back to bed! Much better than being punched in the face, don't you think?"

"Okay, okay..." I said, holding my hands up and conceding. "I get you, but just for the record, if he comes out again: _don't push his buttons_."

"I will try not to."

"Good," I said firmly, having calmed down again. "And I think you going back to bed is an excellent idea. You'll be out the way, and I'll be able to call Oto airport and arrange for the jet— wait, how exactly did you get here?"

"I drove."

"You drove?"

"Yes."

"On your own?"

"Yes."

"I hope it was an automatic?"

"It was the Rolls. Zaku has gone home for Christmas."

"That's an automatic, right?"

"Why are you so concerned whether or not it is an automatic?"

"Because you can't drive!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Sasuke. Of course I can drive. I drove you home myself when you were stranded in the Old Rice Quarter, lest you forget..."

"Yeah, and lest you forget, we almost careered off a cliff when you decided to change tracks on the iPod while changing up round a hairpin bend!"

"Well it is an automatic. Does that alleviate your tender conscience?"

"Yes, yes it does. But we're not driving. I don't relish the thought of a five hour journey in miserable weather, so I'm calling Oto airport and having the jet brought over. Is that alright?"

"That's fine. I shall arrange for a valet to return the car."

"You'd better get one for Suigetsu as well, while you're at it."

"Oh yes... Where on earth did he go?"

"Up to pack Kisame's stuff for him, I think."

"I didn't know he was staying in Otogakure for Christmas."

"He didn't. He went to see Zabuza and Haku. Must've went back to Otogakure this morning to a shitstorm."

"I am going to have to apologise to rather a lot of people, aren't I?"

"I think so. Definitely the Sarutobis, at any rate, and maybe Kabuto for not calling back."

At the prospect, the boss sighed petulantly. I was feeling charitable, so I gave him an exasperated peck on the cheek and took his hand.

"Don't be an idiot. It won't be that bad. Kabuto's hardly going to bawl you out for it, and Mr and Mrs Sarutobi will let you away with murder if you appear sufficiently contrite. Now come on," I said, leading him indoors, "the sooner we get started, the sooner we'll be back in Otogakure. I'm starting to feel I've outstayed my welcome."

The rain had just begun to fall in earnest, and I was quite glad to be out of it. The rest of the Akatsuki mob sauntered in behind us, muttering and whispering to each other with smirks on their moronic faces. I didn't care what they thought, and neither did the boss, so we had no difficulty in ignoring them and walking straight through and out into the hall when they once again commandeered the living room and started laughing and bitching in earnest, no doubt going over the day's events and reconstructing them from what they saw with their cruel, cynical eyes. All in a day's work for Akatsuki. Making our way upstairs together, however, their voices faded into silence, and soon we were loitering in the corridor just outside my room.

With all the earlier drama, even hanging around in a hallway felt like a welcome oasis of calm. When I was sure no one was looking, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around the boss's neck and buried my face into his shoulder. He reciprocated, and for a few moments we just stood there, breathing on each other. After a while, I said, my voice muffled as I was speaking directly into the boss's shoulder, "You should phone for the jet. It'll take about two hours to get here and I'll need time to pack – I've got quite a lot of stuff. I'll go get Suigetsu and tell him what's happening. He's still in Kisame's room."

"I know," the boss said. "I heard him swearing."

I laughed and I gave him an extra squeeze before releasing him. We both made to go our separate ways, and as I passed Itachi's bedroom door, I called out, "SUIGETSU! THE BOSS AND I ARE HEADING BACK TO OTOGAKURE SOON AND WE'RE GOING ON THE JET! ARE YOU COMING, OR DO YOU WANT TO DRIVE?"

It all happened so quickly.

To my right, Itachi's door swung open. Startled, I looked around on instinct to see my brother standing in the doorway wearing a cold, focused expression.

There was a click and a flash of metal, and I watched as the boss turned to find himself staring down the barrel of a .357 magnum.

My blood ran cold.

"You challenged me," Itachi said, his voice low and menacing, "and I have stepped up to the plate. Orochimaru, I will tell you one last time: stay away from my brother. If you cannot be reasoned with, then by god I will make you."

"Itachi..." the boss said slowly, calmly, "put the gun down."

"No. I will not," Itachi said, with equal composure. He took a step forward, forcing the boss back against the wall.

"The first time you hurt my little brother I warned you that if you ever again caused him a moment's pain, I would kill you. I am here to impress that upon you most strongly. Do not doubt for a moment that I will not do it."

Seeming eerily unperturbed at the fact he was at the business end of a very powerful magnum revolver, the boss managed a wry smile and replied, "I have no doubt you would, Itachi. In fact, I feel you would derive a great deal of pleasure from it."

"I would."

"_Then do it!"_ the boss hissed suddenly, recklessly. Flinging his arms out wide, he took a step directly towards my brother, wearing a lunatic smile – all teeth and bravado. "Do it, Itachi, if you want to prove to me you're not all mouth! Splatter my brains all across those lovely white walls of yours in the name of what you call justice, or vengeance, or whatever fallacy of a motivation your mind has constructed for itself! Do it! Do it, and I will die happy because I know that I will have enjoyed the affection of my Sasuke-kun right until the bitter end!"

Itachi regarded him for a moment with an expression unfathomable. Then he raised the pistol a little higher and took aim. I was so scared.

"Itachi, no..." I began, finding it very hard to keep my voice from shaking. "Stop it... please stop it..."

"Sasuke, do not interrupt!" he snapped irritably, as though I were a dissenting voice deterring him from his righteous task.

"Itachi... if you go through with this, I will never, ever forgive you for as long as I live. I will testify against you as a witness in court and I will make sure you go to jail for a long, long time."

At my words, my brother's hands began to shake.

"You don't have to do this," I pleaded. "Please, Itachi. You're my big brother. I don't want to see you do this. This isn't you. I know you're angry, but believe me, I can handle this. I've made the right decision, you've got to trust me—"

There was a sudden creak down the far end of the hallway, and we all looked round.

When Suigetsu emerged from Kisame's room, it was like the spell that had been cast over the moment had lifted. Cheerful and oblivious, Suigetsu called out to no one in particular, thinking perhaps I was in another room, "WHAT WAS THAT YOU WERE SAYING ABOUT HEADING BACK, SASUKE?"

Then he spotted us; my brother pointing a gun at the boss, myself standing a few paces away, ashen-faced and desperate. The grin vanished from his face, replaced with a wide-eyed horror.

"... holy fuck," he croaked, taking an involuntary step back. "Holy fuck, what the hell's going on here?"

"It's okay, Suigetsu," I said, my voice trembling. "I'm dealing with it. There's no need to worry."

"NO NEED TO WORRY?" Suigetsu exploded, throwing his hands in the air. "SASUKE, HE'S GOT A FUCKING GUN!"

Ignoring Suigetsu, I turned my attention back to my brother. I don't think he had anticipated an interruption, and the presence of Suigetsu seemed to have woken him up somehow, for he looked suddenly very aware of what he was doing.

"Itachi please..." I said quietly, laying a hand on his shoulder. He flinched at the contact. "Please don't do this... please... I beg you..."

My words finally had an effect, for Itachi took a deep, shuddering breath and let his arms drop to his sides, along with the gun. He crouched down in the middle of the hallway, covered his head with his hands and moaned softly, a wretched, miserable sound. The boss, it seemed, was a little more scared than he had let on, as he stood for a moment, staring into space, before he slid down the wall and came to rest on the carpet. Instantly, I darted forward and snatched away the gun. I met no resistance, and I realised then that Itachi was no longer intent on doing anything stupid. It would be safe to approach him.

"Itachi...?" I ventured, crouching down beside him, trying to look at his face, still obscured by his arms. "Are you alright?"

Nothing. My brother had completely shut down. I wasn't certain he could even hear me, but I carried on anyway.

"Itachi, that was really good of you. I'm glad you saw sense, but I think you should maybe take some time out and calm down. Where do you keep your medicine?"

Nothing.

I sighed.

"It must be in your room somewhere. I'll go check—"

I was cut off abruptly as Itachi all of a sudden rose to his feet. Like an automaton, he walked the short distance to his bedroom and closed the door quietly behind him. There was a click as he set the lock. I knew then that I would not be able to do any more, and it was probably for the best. Talking to him, however kindly, would probably agitate him further. I felt guilty for feeling relieved of the responsibility.

I had a further moment of strife when I turned round to tend to the boss and found he was not where I'd left him. Suigetsu, however, helpfully informed me he had retreated into a room down the corridor – pointing to mine. I found him inside, sitting on the bed, staring out of the window. I stole over to him and sat down carefully on the bed, not wanting to jostle him for some reason. Believing I would be in for a long silence, the boss surprised me by speaking first.

"If this is what I will have to go through to keep you, my dear Sasuke-kun, then I am wondering if you are really that worth it," he said in a low voice.

I knew he didn't mean it, so I laughed a little and replied, "If you think that's bad, wait until you get to the counselling. This will seem like nothing."

The boss's lips twitched, but he didn't laugh. Obviously, he wasn't quite over the shock, for he then said, suddenly serious, "Sasuke, your brother pointed a gun at me."

"I know..." I said, bleakly, fearing what was coming.

"I will not abide it."

"You shouldn't have to..."

"I am glad you agree—"

"But, Orochimaru-sama—"

I stopped short as the boss turned to face me directly, surveying me with an air of resigned inevitability.

"What is it, Sasuke-kun?" he asked, patiently. He probably knew what was coming.

"I know that this is really serious," I said, grabbing his hand and squeezing it, "and I mean _really_ serious, but please hear me out. Itachi isn't himself. Something's wrong, and it's not all to do with you. I mean he was able to put up with us being together before, even if he didn't like it, and I know what happened two months ago was just... well, I don't want to go over it again... but he shouldn't be acting like this.

I know I shouldn't even be asking you this, and you are totally within your rights to turn round and tell me to take a hike, but please – don't call the police. He's my brother, and he needs help, not a lawsuit..."

At the end, I was almost in tears. The seriousness of the situation had finally caught up with me and I was finding myself struggling to fend off a freak-out. The thought of Itachi publicly disgraced and sent to jail for any length of time made my heart hurt. I was perfectly aware I was throwing both myself and my brother upon the boss's mercy and I hoped with every fibre of my being that his affection for me would tip the scales in Itachi's favour. I was also perfectly aware that this was emotional manipulation of the highest order, Kimimaro's words having come back to me: _I see him manipulating you, and you do not resist_ – and felt awful for doing it, really I did, but I had to, I just had to. I could not see my brother brought so low.

It was a long time before the boss answered. He sighed exasperatedly, letting his head fall into his hands. He took so long, for a horrible moment I convinced myself that he would refuse, and I let all manner of black thoughts creep into my head and made myself miserable. But he did not. Instead he shook his head, sat up and regarded me with a long-suffering expression.

"I will think about it," he said, with a fragile dignity.

Instantly, my black mood blew away like so much dust, and bright laugh escaped my lips. Of course, his reply was as good as a yes. His eyes widened in surprise when I jumped on him, wrapping my arms around my neck and peppering him with grateful kisses.

"Sasuke-kun!" he admonished, trying his best to wriggle out of my grip, "I said I would think about it—!"

"I know, I know..." I said cheerfully, hugging him so tightly we both fell back onto the bed. For a moment, I just lay there on top of him, grinning like a loon in relief. The boss stared up at me, then shook his head ruefully.

"The things I do for you, Sasuke-kun—" he began mullishly, before I silenced him with a kiss.

"This is by far the nicest thing you've ever done for me," I whispered, pulling back for air. "That and finally telling Kimimaro where to go. I don't know, but it might go some way to making up for the awful way you treated me two months ago. Think of it as reparation and it won't eat away at your pride so much."

"Reparation..." the boss murmured though another round of kisses from me. "You really are unabashedly conniving, Sasuke-kun."

"I know," I said softly. "Does it help if I say I do feel bad about it, and that if it wasn't my brother, I'd be in court in a flash and fighting your corner?"

"Not really."

"I'm sorry."

"Do you mean that?"

"Yes."

"Then I suppose I could overlook it," the boss said, a final grudging surrender before he let himself be consoled by my kisses.

After that, there wasn't much else to be done. We spent a few calm moments in each other's company, in which I devoted most of my energy to soothing the boss's nerves. He really was more shaken by the incident that he let on, but by the time I gently reminded him we should probably get going, he was more or less recovered and agreed to call Otogakure airport and arrange transport for ourselves and Suigetsu. I texted Suigetsu to let him know, and he kindly came through and helped me pack. The boss helped too, which would have been strange under other circumstances, but considering what had happened, I didn't blame him for wanting to be out there.

While the boss and Suigetsu struggled with heaving the luggage downstairs, I took the time to write a short note to Itachi, letting him know that I was leaving, that I was shocked but not angry with what he had done, that he should take it easy for a while, not get too worked up, that if he needed to talk I was there for him, and that the boss had very kindly agreed not to press charges. With a tug of regret, I pushed it under his door and went to join Suigetsu and the boss, who were outside saying goodbye to the remaining Akatsuki. They had no idea what had happened upstairs, and Suigetsu wasn't about to tell them, for he had agreed to remain silent at our request.

"Do you have to leave so soon, Saucy-kins?" Deidara said, as my luggage was loaded into the back of the Rolls by the driver.

"Sorry, Deidara. I think I'm just going to cause more trouble if I stay here any longer."

"Well you should at least say goodbye to Itachi," he admonished.

"I already have," I lied.

"And how did he take it?" Kakuzu enquired.

"Not well. I wouldn't bother him for a while," I said tightly. "But... look out for him, will you?"

"We'll try," Zetsu said, "but you know what he's like. We can't promise anything."

I thanked them one by one and then said my final goodbyes before joining Suigetsu and the boss in the back seat. The journey to Konoha airport was strangely subdued; each of us lost in our own private worries. When we reached the airport, however, and drove straight to the jet, bypassing security, Suigetsu brightened considerably. I had forgotten that he'd never been on the boss's jet before, and he was refreshingly excited about the whole business. The boss was distracted by answering all of Suigetsu's rapid-fire questions, which left me free to have a quiet moment to myself. By the time we boarded, I was content to do nothing more than slump into the seat next to the boss and lie with my head in his lap, while Suigetsu sat up front in the cock-pit, annoying the pilots.

We're moments away from landing, so I really should put this away, but I just want to say that the comment I made at the end of my last entry regarding the boss still stands. In fact, after today, I might even love him a little bit more. Just a little bit, though. Don't want to go overboard. If he ever found out, it'd go straight to his head. He's been so good about Itachi and Kimimaro, against all of my hopes and expectations, that it has only confirmed in my mind that I have made the right decision in getting back together with him. I only hope that he still feels the same way.

God, I hope Itachi's okay...

LATER:  
12:03am

FUCK!

I FORGOT THE CAT!

* * *

AN: Hey guys! Sorry about the delay. I'm being made to do a bit of work for uni this year (since it's my last) and I've kind of had to change the way I write the fun stuff to fit it all in. I'm getting the balance, though, so the wait for the next one shouldn't be as long. Well, here's hoping... :)

But how about the manga? I don't know about the rest of you, but I think it's getting really interesting. Pain has shuffled off his mortal coil courtesy of Naruto's all-powerful book-no-jutsu, Madara is coming out into the open, Danzou has made his bid for Hokage, Kabuto is hanging around with his rapidly spreading Oro disease making him crazy, Sasuke is also crazy and heading for the kage summit on another vengeance bender, and not to mention the other kages. Wow. It's all good. I'm really looking forward to this arc.

Also, there's a new chapter of NayanRoo's _Shadowplay_ to read. It's a really great fic and deserves more reviews. I'm off to read and review after I post this. :)

Now let's crack on with the thank yous...

**NayanRoo** I wonder if my update patterns are synced with yours somehow? I was in the middle of writing when I got the email alert for Shadowplay. I'm looking forward to seeing what ways you've come up with to make me angst, grrr, cheer and flail about my room. I'm glad you liked the Akatsuki stupidness last chapter. Just writing that was loads of fun. I love making them argue and bicker with each other. I mean, it's canon, right? Teams Sasori and Kakuzu didn't always get along. XD)

**uberhaxxor of pwnage** Yay, indeed! Oro and Sauce are back, and are... stronger than ever? Even with Oro acting like such an obsessed idiot last chapter? Well, we'll wait and see how the therapy pans out, hrmmm. If Itachi scared you in forty, I wonder how you're feeling about him now. And I secretly want a t-shirt like Deidara's, but I think it'd scare people. XD)

**Nozomi-sama** You know, when I started writing this thing way back, I didn't set out to grab people by the emotions and throw them this way and that. I guess Sauce and Oro's drama queen natures made it inevitable. XD I'm glad you liked last chapter, though. I was worried about it; worried that they got back together too quickly, but I had already planned for it to happen and I didn't want to chuck in any filler to pass the time.

**AriesRaccoonRebi** Hello to the Artist Formerly Known as Ari! How did your trip to London go? Good, I hope. :) And what did you think of the Pain arc? Were you shocked by Naruto's unbeatable book-no-jutsu, lol? And yes, Oro standing out in the rain like a stalking psycho - even though it is incredibly creepy - really does show how much he loves the Sauce. If only he would tell him, the silly man!

**NaruGuru** Sorry to hear you were having problems. I hope you've sorted them out since the last update. :( I'm glad you're fine with them getting back together, though. That's the major thing I was worried about last chapter. See, I'd planned for it to happen all along, but there was this doubt at the back of my mind that said: 'too quick', but I didn't want to write any filler. Obviously, I went with the no filler option, and I guess it worked out? Hope you liked this chapter.

**hieilover135** Hey there! Wow, I'm glad you liked last chapter. I was really worried they got back together too fast, and I was having a go with the plan vs write some filler moment, and I just don't like doing filler, so I went for it and I guess I pulled it off. Relief! And no, Lee's not a goth. I just took the straight edge philosophy and stuck it into an organised, youth club charity type enviroment. As for this being published? I'd love to, I really would. I just don't much fancy the lawyers coming knocking... :\

**yumechan3** Lol, that's quite alright. It seemed like your last review was sort of a chance to just get everything out there, and since this is a pretty long fic, that's quite a lot of everything. I'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with Oro-esque problems with the person you love. Stuff like that is never easy, and I hope you can get through it. I'm glad you liked the chapter, and that Sasuke's way of dealing with his longing to get back together with Oro whilst acknowledging the severity of his actions rung true with you. I was quite worried about it, but I guess I pulled it off. :)

**Anilmathiel Greenleaf** Hey again! Lol, I'm glad you thought the transition between 'U CHEET ON ME! I HATE YOU, RAWR!!' and 'I L U SAUCE, PLZ SPEAK TO MEEEEE!!' was fairly smooth. It was planned for them to get back together, but I may have over egged the drama pudding on the last two chapters, so that's probably why reconciliation seemed impossible, lol. If you were looking for a reaction from Itachi, then you bloody well got one this chapter. XD As for Itachi pairing up? No comment... :D

**Ladyrouge214** Hello thar! God, I know. I wouldnt've been standing out in the rain, either. Oro really is a bit of a creepy, obsessive mentalist, lol. XD But he loves his Sauce.

**Dooki**Yeah, it is pretty close to the end, actually. Only three chapters to go, I think (unless I have to split a long one in two). This might sound daft, but I've had to come round to the fact it's ending, since I've been writing this thing for two years or so. I have other projects lined up, though, so I hopefully won't plunge into a horrible depression. XD As for not mentioning Kimimaro in his conditions... yeah. I think I forgot to mention that. Good call. If I ever go back and edit, I'll add that one in. Cheers for spotting it. :)

**Roxanne Morinaka** Oh, Itachi! He is such a good brother, and he still is, even after going a bit nuts this chapter. And you know what? Oro _has_ improved his and Sasuke's relationship from day one. I've never really thought about that before, but you're so right. And as for Neji being the counsellor... watch this space. ;)

**macadamiasnuts** Yay! A new reviewer! I skip and caper with wild abandon. Thanks so much for coming out of your comfy lurky hole to review. It's much appreciated. :) Oh, I am so sorry about chapter thirty-nine. It traumatised a lot of people - including me, lol! And yeah... the Sandman quote was just sheer 'Awwwww'. There is no other way to describe it. XD Deep down inside Sauce is a fluffy core, I swear it. XD

**Gerkyhen** Y Hello, Gerkyhen! Hope you're still around after the monster long wait for this chapter. XD I'm glad you liked the last chapter, though; that was the nicer side of Oro. Unlike Sauce, he doesn't have the natural core of fluffy fragility, but he's trying his best. I think Sauce has made him develop one and he's not quite sure how to deal with it yet. XD As for publishing this, I would absolutely love to, but I'd probably be met with an army of lawyers after my blood, so I probably shouldn't, lol.

**Chann** Hi there! Damn, sorry to hear about your evil illness from hell. The flu plus IBS really is an unholy combination. Perhaps as bad as a friend of mine, who got food poisoning on top of IBS. He was chained to the toilet for days, going at both ends. Bad times, lol. I'm glad you thought the last chapter flowed, though. I was quite worried about it. I don't think Jiraiya, Kiku and Kylie will end up at Oro's place again, but Sasuke certainly will, which is all he really wants, I think. :) He does love his Sauce. Hope you liked this one!

**YoungSasuke** As always, you are rather perceptive. I think you should be Oro and Sauce's counsellor, lol. Love does, indeed, make people do strange things, which explains all Oro's creepy, standing-out-in-the-rain-and-shouting antics. I wonder, though, if he's realised himself yet that he's in love. He never has been before, ever, in his life (only almost) and I think he's finding it hard to deal with. At least he realises he's going to have to work his ass off, and he's already went some way to making up to Sasuke this chapter. Poor Itachi...

**Jaunty Jackalope** First, I have to say I really love your screen name. It is fantasticness of the highest order. Secondly, I have to woo and yay, for you are a new reviewer (though not a new reader, it seems.) Thanks so much for taking the time out to review. I say this all the time, but it really is appreciated. :) I'm glad you managed to plough on through the chapters of angst and darkness (thirty-eight and nine, lol) and come out the other side to the slightly nicer, more positive stuff - and that you liked it too! That's always a bonus, lol. And yes! Another one sold on OroSasu, though I wonder now what you think of Itachi's reaction. It's pretty grim, lol.

**Violet203** I know, the last chapter was sooooooo long. Dangerously approaching longcat length, I think. Glad you liked it, though, and that it seemed believable. That was my biggest worry over the last one. Good to know it was convincing, lol.

**misslucyfer** Yay! Another new reviewer. This makes me happy. Though you read all forty chapters in one go? Wow... That must've take you, what? The best part of a day, even two days? XD But better yet, I have another sold on OroSasu! Hooray, lol! And you know, I'm quite glad you picked up on the bit of effort I made in trying to get across other people's reactions and feelings. You're right, it is quite limiting being stuck in Sasuke's perspective. Luckily, he is quite clever and perceptive, so he picks up on bit here and there, even if he doesn't always get it bang on the money. :)

**Insomniac Owl** Yeah, having Sasuke take Oro back last chapter was the thing I was worried about. I had planned it that way, but I think I laid on the drama really thick in the previous two chapters and it made it less likely Sasuke would be willing to reconcile, so when I was faced with the plan, I was like... uh oh. Too fast. I had a choice of writing some filler, but I hate sticking in filler, so I just went with it. It didn't turn out too badly, considering... But yeah, you picked up on Sauce's comment about love hurting. Oro just hasn't ever experienced it before, and he's having a really hard time recognising what it is and dealing with it. Hence the standing out in the rain, which he totally deserved, by the way. Oro needs a little humiliation now and again. And as for Neji? No comment... :D

**Aperion** Ooooh... Kant. I'm guessing you do philosophy? If you do, don't touch anything by Schopenhauer. I had to stop reading his stuff because it made me depressed and cynical. I heard somewhere the suicide rate in students is highest in those who study philosophy. Wonder if that's true? And you have been in a situation similar to Oro's? Wow. Maybe you should give him some advice in how to deal with it. He's having a bit of a rough time. XD I'm glad you were looking forward to drama and unpleasantness, though, because you got it, courtesy of Itachi! XD

**Bri** Hey, Bri! It's funny about the whole NaruHina, NaruSaku situation. In all honesty, I don't know where I stand in the ship for Naruto issue. In this fic, anyway, I think at the moment that Naruto's too focused on his career, following in Minato's footsteps and 'becoming Hokage' to be interested in relationships just now. Just like the manga, I guess. As for the god comment... that's quite interesting. Actually, it'd make an awesome fic, now I come to think about it. Oro'd definitely be the god of destruction, or a god of chaos. They are his favourite words, after all. :)

**R. O. S.** Yeah, it's fair to say the Akatsuki don't really like the police. Oro's not too fond of them, either, for different reasons from the time he was arrested in Konoha, so not having them involved is the best option for both factions. Although this means that they are occassionally tempted to take the law into their own hands...

**DragonMorticia** Wow! You own a lot of cats. Do you breed them or are you just a normal, loving owner? And have you ever seen the Engineer's Guide to Cats on YouTube? Absolutely hilarious. XD I agree that Akatsuki are like a very dysfunctional family. They really are all completely batshit insane, but having been forced to work closely with one another, they've grown used to each other they bitch and bicker like relatives - and when an outsider criticises, they stomp, just like family. XD

**Kafei** Have I bagged myself another new reviewer? I think so. Woo and yay! :D Cheers for taking the time to review. It's much appreciated. :) And I liked that line too. Oro is a devious bastard, really.

**ForWhom** Lol, your predictions of Itachi being utterly LIVID were on the money. He did try to stay cool, but he's been under a lot of pressure, and I guess Sasuke choosing to get back together with Oro was the straw that broke the camel's back. At any rate, he hasn't let go yet. I think it'll take him a while... And yes, he does have a gun, and I wonder whether you were thinking at the back of your mind if he'd use it? ;)

**chibibaka1** Hey there! First off, I'd just like to say I'm going to get onto your Gohan/Trunks fic after I post this and read and review NayanRoo's fic. :) I had a quick glance at it, and I have to say it's looking really good so far. :) Second, thanks for the reviews. I know you've been busy with arranging school stuff, so it's appreciated. As usual, you're really perceptive when it comes to the relationship stuff. The "poor kid" thing really did knock Sasuke's pride, and you're right about Oro too, not quite understanding what he feels for Sasuke and being completely at a loss as to what he should do about it.

**Beqs** It's been so long, I can't even remember what you're saying thank you about, lol, but you're welcome. And I hope you liked this chapter! :)

**ShallowMind** Guh, I know right? They do just keep getting longer. I think this one is a bit shorter, thankfully, since there wasn't quite so much I wanted to cram in. :P Sure I'll give your OroSasu fic a look. It's in the queue after NayanRoo's fic and my beta reading for chibibaka1's Gohan/Trunks fic. I'm sorry about not being active in the FC. I kind of disappear sometimes, but I'll always check in. :)

**pompomwoop** Do I have another new reviewer? Signs point to yes! :D Glad you like it and I hope you're still about after the uber long wait for an update. Lol, and I was just worried about Oro and Sauce getting back together too quick, but I guess I pulled it off okay, so I'll take that chill pill, kthnx. XD Good point about the honourific. I have wondered about that, believe it or not, and it's actually going to be something that'll be addressed next chapter. Hope you liked this chapter. :)

**KyuubiNaru** Wow, another new reviewer? This is a seriously great day for it. :D Thanks for taking the time to review. It's much appreciated. :) You know, quite a lot of people have said that to me: that they're not really into OroSasu, but that this story is just so mental that they're willing to let it slide. It's what I set out to do at the beginning, so that always makes me happy. :) And I'm glad you like Oro's characterisation too. He is a bastard, but a magnificent one. XD

**Atsui-Danna (sesshy-stalker-kendra)** Wow, thanks so much for the compliments! I blush a deep and furious red, lol. And of course I don't mind that you've printed it out (must've gone through at least a whole tree by now, with the length of this bloody fic, lol). I should start printing out some of my favourite fics too. This one is pretty near the end, but I've got a few ideas for other Naruto fics and original stuff, so I won't be too bummed when it ends. :)

**TheEvilAuthoressK-chan** Wow, it's Rebi and Bri's elusive friend Kelsey! It's strange finally getting reviews from you, because those two keep mentioning you. They must've really kept at you to read this, lol, I hope you're not regretting it. It is pretty damned long (longer than I ever thought it would be, but it's almost finished now) so it's sort of an investment if you end up reading it all the way through. The OroSasu thing does weird people out at first, but a lot of people eventually say that they get used to it because this story is just so ridiculous they're willing to let it slide.


	42. Chapter 42

A Day in the Life

* * *

AN: Feast your eyes on this lovely scene from chapter forty-one, illustrated and coloured by the very talented uberhaxxorofpwnage. It made me squee with abandon when she dropped me an email to ask for permission and I think you should all full view and comment on her DeviantArt account because it really is very, very good. Oro and Tsunade's expressions are just priceless! :)

http : / / uberhaxxorofpwnage . deviantart . com / art / A-Day-in-The-Life-132617853

* * *

January 5th

At the moment, we are staying at the Sarutobis' beautiful home in the foothills of Hokage Mountain. This is because we both sensibly agreed that keeping a low profile during our counselling sessions would be the wisest course of action to take - hence our skipping the hotel this time round. The boss, however, is in a bad mood with me – a situation which, I admit, is mostly my fault (mostly, but not entirely, I must add, since he did not furnish me with enough background information to prevent me from blundering into a foot-meets-mouth situation.)

Despite the fact that the boss had caused them a great deal of worry less than a week prior, having run off to Konoha in pursuit of me without informing them, the Sarutobis were only too happy to have him stay. I suppose they thought it a golden opportunity to keep an eye their beloved adopted son. Surely, they must have thought, if his stay was voluntary and if I was with him then he wouldn't run off and do something characteristically moronic again?

At any rate, the plan was set in motion and the boss and I showed up just in time to avoid having to attend Asuma's annual New Year shebang and all the bitching that would have inevitably ensued. Mrs Sarutobi met us at the gates, and when she saw the boss, she came haring towards us. Despite her advancing years, she put on quite the turn of speed, and when she reached the boss she crushed him in a bruising hug with her strong, sinewy arms.

"Orochimaru, you idiot boy," she blustered, while at the same time beaming at him with watery eyes. "I swear one day your antics will be the death of us. Hiruzen was out of his mind with worry, and before you open your mouth to protest, I _know_ you spoke to us over the phone but it really isn't the same as seeing for myself that you're well."

Then she turned and spotted me as I helped Zaku manhandle our luggage from the back of the Rolls because the Sarutobis refuse to employ any regular household staff. I must confess I was not prepared for her sudden display of enthusiasm.

"Sasuke!" she exclaimed, as she grabbed me by the head with both hands, dragged me towards her and planted a huge, sloppy kiss on my forehead. I say 'kiss'. It was more like she took a chunk out of my cheekbone with her chin and then grazed my tender skin with her old lady stubble.

"You have no idea how happy I am to see you, dear," she enthused. "Oh, here, let me get that thing for you. No, I insist! You are my guest, and I won't have you lugging your own cases all around the house."

In my stunned and mildly bruised state, obviously, I handed the luggage over. Mrs Sarutobi can be quite bossy and demanding, you see (though in a jovial, good-natured sort of way) and the boss and I were shooed away to the pavilion where she had tea and snacks ready and waiting for us. I did feel a twinge of guilt when I watched her haul both the boss's cases and mine through the garden, through the house and into the bedroom for us, because, after all, she is in her seventies. When I saw her appear outside once again, sleeves rolled up, to collect my second case, I expressed my doubts to the boss and asked whether we really should go and lend a hand.

The boss was characteristically dismissive, and disguised his unconcern with a shameless recourse to etiquette.

"As good guests, we must respect the wishes of our host," he said, sipping his tea.

There was a glint of amusement in his eyes, however, which caused me to roll my eyes at him and tell him to quit with the excuses and get off his lazy arse and help his goddamned foster mother. Our exchange was thankfully cut short, though, when Mrs Sarutobi strode into the pavilion and sat down beside us, aglow with purpose and physical exertion.

"It's grand to get a bit of exercise now and again," she exclaimed, leaning over to grab a chocolate-filled _taiyaki_ which she bit into with gusto. "I've been dying to get out walking with the group, you know, but this blasted weather has had us all cooped up indoors. Who'd have believed I'd resort to shifting luggage to get my fix, eh? But what on earth have you got in those cases, Orochimaru? I'd swear blind you'd packed someone else in there – and a fat bugger at that! They're ridiculously heavy! Budge up there, Sasuke, there's a good boy!"

Without missing a beat, Mrs Sarutobi then launched into a monologue on the virtues of exercise, during which I munched on delicious _tayaki_ and zoned in and out.

For all her love of good health and physical activity, however, there was a disconcertingly large amount of food shoved in front of us. As soon as we polished off all the snacks (and we did polish off _all_ the snacks) we were suddenly confronted with the prospect of dinner when Sarutobi himself arrived home from work about an hour later.

Welcomes were extended once again, and I had to fight to refrain from weeping when Mrs Sarutobi emerged from the kitchen with a huge pot of _chanko nabe_. I was already feeling uncomfortably full, but I heroically soldiered on and managed to chow down on not one – but two! – helpings of Mrs Sarutobi's monster stew, paying respectful compliments to the chef all the while. And it was good. I am not complaining about the quality of the cooking. The quantity was my sticking point. I mean really, I am certain she just crammed everything edible she could find at hand in the kitchen into that pot. In fact, she's so wholesome and outdoorsy, I would not be surprised if she had ventured into the misty hills in the early morn, wrestled a wild boar to the ground and skinned it with her teeth.

I swear I almost punched her when she came out with a tray of strawberry cakes, but the boss saved me by politely refusing, therefore it was safe for me to follow suit. Instead, alcohol was brought out. Quite a lot of it. Sarutobi has to leave for work at seven tomorrow morning. I don't know how he does it.

By the time the boss and I decided to call it a night, I was so full I felt if someone were to prod me at the wrong moment, I would explode in a riot of colour and gore and shower the whole of Konoha with the contents of my innards: the eruption of Mount Sasuke.

"Don't even touch me," I groaned, as the boss flopped down on the bed beside me. "I feel like I'm going to die."

"You really need to learn to say no to her, Sasuke-kun."

"But it's so hard! She's so damned bossy! Seriously, is she a closet feeder or something? Because, really, that would explain a lot..."

The boss burst out laughing.

"Hmmm..." he mused. "Perhaps she is. I sense evil, Sasuke-kun. The last time I stayed here for any length of time I put on a ridiculous amount of weight."

This, unsurprisingly, is where the conversation began to take a turn for the worst.

"Really?" I said, suddenly curious, though I couldn't show it because if I'd turned over I would've thrown up. "Go on, confess. How much?"

"About twenty pounds," he said grimly.

Even in my distended, vulnerable state, I couldn't let that one lie. (Why couldn't I have let it lie?)

"Twenty pounds? Don't you mean tons?" I sniggered.

The boss fixed me with a cold stare.

"No, I did not mean _tons_," he said waspishly.

"I bet it all went south," I went on, unable to stop myself laughing, though my stomach was killing me. It must have been the alcohol. "I bet it all went to your ass. It always goes to your ass."

The boss sat up in bed and stared at me, looking heartily offended. This, of course, made it impossible for me to stifle the fit of the giggles that had overtaken me.

"What do you mean, it always goes to my ass?" the boss snapped.

"It just does," I shrugged. "I don't even know how to explain it. Whenever you put on weight, it heads straight there like nothing can stop it. It's like salmon going home to spawn. I'm not saying the end result is like two continents colliding or anything, but I must say it's noticeable."

"And where does yours go then?" the boss said acidly. "Your head?"

In order to absorb and process the boss's stunningly childish insult, I paused for a moment. Then I said, slowly, "Oh my god. Did you just call me a fathead?"

"I did," the boss said, folding his arms – proud and unrepentant.

"What are you, four?"

"You called me fat!" the boss yelled, outraged.

"I didn't call you fat!" I answered, indignant. "I was just commenting on the fact that you seem to gain weight unevenly."

"I don't think you are in the position to be criticising, when you're lying there stretched out like a beached whale!" he bit back.

"It's not my fault! I was force-fed!"

"Then you will understand my predicament," the boss sniffed, his nose in the air.

"Yes, but to be honest, twenty pounds is a bit much," I went on, matter-of-factly. "I mean, I know you wear kimono all the time so you don't have waistband issues, but you'd notice something like that, surely? Were you stuffing your face with cheeseburgers, or something?"

I then went speeding down the road of no return by performing the universally acknowledged feeding frenzy gesture, complete with gratuitous 'Om nom nomming' with increased hilarity and giggling at his expense, until the boss decided to make me look like a complete and utter prick by slipping in an important bit of context he had hitherto neglected to mention.

He paused, looking down his nose at me with an unnecessary degree of hauteur, and said, "I lost rather a lot of weight while working for Akatsuki, Sasuke-kun. It is one of the unfortunate side-effects of cocaine abuse. During my stay at the clinic, I was forced to correct myself, and when I returned here and was confronted with a clean environment and proper meals, finding my appetite no longer artificially suppressed, I took advantage. Forgive me, Sasuke, if you find that in some way grotesque."

My jaw dropped. I spent a good few moments gaping openly at the boss, since all thought processes seemed to have jammed to a halt.

Eventually, I managed to get something out.

"Why didn't you say?" I said, outraged.

"I dislike discussing that period of my life," the boss said repressively, turning away and folding his arms.

"Yeah," I insisted, "but you just made me look like a massive tool there! You could've told me and I would've shut up. Hey, don't ignore me—!"

My lame excuses withered and died and were lost in the cloud of resentful silence that had come to rest around the boss's general person. I sighed and decided to try another tack.

"Look, I'm sorry," I conceded. "I shouldn't have said that."

This time, my words penetrated, and I was afforded a moody reply.

"Yes. You shouldn't have."

"To be honest, those extra pounds probably made you look a lot better. Asuma said you looked terrible at Sarutobi's seventieth—"

I was rather rudely cut off when the boss rolled over and snarled in my face.

"Shut _up_, Sasuke-kun!"

"What the hell?" I exclaimed, indignant. " I'm trying to be nice here! I want make it up to you!"

"Then stop talking," the boss hissed. "You are beginning to try my patience, and as you know only too well, my reserves of that particular virtue are not infinite."

"But—"

"_Be quiet!"_ the boss seethed, getting in the last word before he turned over again and stubbornly rebuffed my subsequent attempts at making reparations.

He spent most of the night lying in bed with the lights out, sulking, and when I finally decided I was fed up absorbing his bad vibes and feeling queasy from overeating, I got out of bed and ended up spending most of _my_ night being sociable with the Sarutobis. When I came back, he was still in a mood and I had to get undressed in the dark. I stubbed my toe on the four-hundred year old folding screen in the corner of the room, and when I yelled, the boss sat up just long enough to snap at me and tell me to shut up. With a throbbing, injured toe, I was feeling justifiably ill-disposed towards him at that point, and in a spirit of retribution, I vaulted onto the bed and began to jump up and down whilst shouting, "Oh so you want me to shut up, do you? You want me to shut up? Go on, then! Make me shut up!"

Now, I must stress that it really was rather dark in the room, since we were staying in the boss's old bedroom in the only part of the house that had solid, encircling, immovable walls. There are no windows, and light, such as there was, filtered through the heavily painted screen doors from electric lamps in the hallway. Therefore, as I hopped around in a spirit of retribution, I did not have much light to see by, and when I trod heavily on the boss's hair, it came as something of a surprise to me. It was, of course, an accident, but the boss did not see it that way. He screamed, quite loudly, informing me that I had 'ripped half the hair from his head' and then shoved me off the bed, causing me to lose my balance and fall to the floor. Once again, I tried to apologise, but he ignored me and stormed off in a huff, taking all the bedding with him.

We are due our first counselling appointment tomorrow at 4:30pm.

Please let me find the strength to emerge from this ordeal unscathed...

January 6th

Now, I have already made it clear that I harbour a strong, lasting affection for the man known as Orochimaru: my employer, my significant other, my companion in sickness and in health, in laughter and woe, through joy and sorrow, blah, blah, _et cetera_, and all that emotional rubbish. Together, in the name of our relationship, we have been through a lot of shit – and when I say a lot I mean _a lot_. The amount of shit I have personally been forced to endure could be equated with the entire mass of the observable universe. As the boss once informed me that there is quite a lot of unobserved universe, I feel justified in adding that onto the tally as well.

Needless to say, the boss has once again added to that monumental, celestial shitpile. He is an incorrigible ignoramus. A thoughtless fool. Mentally defective. A rampant tard. There aren't enough words in the thesaurus to express how much of a proper, dyed-in-the-wool moron he is. I know. I've checked.

At the moment, I am too angry to write a proper entry, as I am in real danger of picking up my laptop and hurling it across the room at him. He's sitting in the corner at a little desk brought through for him by Sarutobi, writing in his stupid diary. I want to rip out the pages and force them down his throat, one by one, so he can choke on them. And then get hideously fat, since he's so sensitive about his weight.

I'm sorry. I'm going to have to leave the room. I can't stand the sight of him at the moment.

LATER:

Mrs Sarutobi has called to tell us dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes, so I had better make this quick.

Reasons why I want to punch the boss in the mouth:

Number one: the boss came back to bed last night _eventually_, dragging alongside him the duvet, pillows and other essential sleeping accoutrements – though this was not before I had practically frozen to death because I could not track down any spare bedding. Of course, he refused to talk to me and was still in a mood, yet he snuggled up beside me. This behaviour mystified me and when he fell asleep, I pinched him hard in several places and hoped he would bruise.

Number two: at breakfast this morning, the boss flat out refused to eat anything, informing Mrs Sarutobi when she inquired as to why he had only taken a single cup of mint tea, that _some_ people – you should have seen the look he gave me when he said this – had made disparaging remarks about his weight and that he had decided to take matters into his own hands by going on a diet. Sarutobi shook his head and turned back to his newspaper, while Mrs Sarutobi told the boss outright that he was being ridiculous and shoved a generous portion of _tamagoyaki_ in front of him. He turned his nose up at it and then had the nerve to complain that the sound of me crunching my cereal was deeply irritating. Out of spite, I picked up my cereal, stormed over and sat down right next to him. I shovelled into my mouth the biggest spoonful of cereal I could manage and, dribbling milk down my chin, I leaned over and crunched right into his ear with a deliberate look of concentration.

He said, disdain dripping from every syllable, "Don't be disgusting."

I said, dribbling milk with every syllable, "Don't be an arsehole."

Then I opened my mouth wide and exposed the mushy, masticated bolus of cereal balancing on my tongue and said, "Ahhhhhhhh!"

Needless to say, my witty rebuttal caused the boss to huff, toss his hair and flounce out of the room in a melodramatic manner. I could hear him stomping all the way down the corridor and must confess to a small smirk when I heard the series of screen doors slamming closed behind him. Mrs Sarutobi shook her head ruefully, while Sarutobi just laughed.

Number three: half an hour until our counselling appointment and the boss decided to make himself scarce. Cue me charging around the house in search of him. I finally found him trudging round the garden at the far end of the lake with a sour look on his face. He was still wearing his pyjamas, though because we are in the middle of winter, he had _my_ hoodie slung over them.

I was not pleased.

Therefore, I began to yell at him, asking him if he realised the time, what the hell he thought he was doing, and why he wasn't ready. The boss rolled his eyes and said he would quickly sling on one of his less elaborate kimono if it would shut me up. I said, "You'd be lucky!" and followed up by asking him who was going to come pick us up. When I was given a blank stare in response, I sort of lost it, and started shouting at him and flailing around and said that if he did not smarten up and arrange for transport right then and there, I would break up with him.

The boss called the hotel and a driver came round to pick us up. By the time the driver arrived in a nondescript black Rolls belonging to the hotel's own fleet, the boss was suitably clothed, though upon getting into the car, he shunned me in favour of the front passenger seat and left me to sit alone in the back. In my mind, I cursed his name and wished gout upon him. It's likely. He drinks enough red wine.

Number four: This is it. The biggie. The monster. The one that almost caused me to wrap my hands round the boss's neck and strangle him in public.

Throughout the short car journey to our destination, as I have already noted, I was in a foul humour. Therefore, it may come as no surprise that I did not pay much attention to my surroundings as they flashed past through the tinted windows of the Rolls.

Imagine my alarm, then, when the car rolled to a halt and the door opened to reveal the familiar immense glass façade of the Konoha headquarters of Konoha-Suna Corp. As ever, the place was packed; suited employees darting in and out of the revolving door and striding along Nihonbashi Road, drinking coffees and shouting at each other through their Bluetooth headsets. To my right, I heard the front passenger door open, and the boss emerged, his geta clacking upon the pavement in what I felt was a needlessly ostentatious manner. His shoes attracted attention, his deep blue kimono attracted attention, his ridiculously long hair attracted attention and his irritating face attracted attention – attention I did not want.

I purposefully kept from friends and relatives the fact the boss and I are attending counselling because – and this might seem strange – I am embarrassed. I am an Uchiha, you see. I do not do failure, and resorting to hiring a mediator to save our relationship, even though it was at my insistence, has a suspicious whiff of failure about it. I did not want anyone else to know, and when I saw heads turning to gawk openly at the boss, I almost freaked and jumped back in the car.

"What are we doing here?" I said through clenched teeth, as Chouji passed by and gave me a wave.

The boss looked at me as though I'd asked him in a foreign tongue.

"Why we are here for the counselling you insisted we have," he answered, with a note of exasperated sarcasm. "Whatever is wrong now?"

"I wanted to do this in private, you idiot!" I hissed. "Konoha-Suna? Now everyone and their grandmothers are going to know we're here and what we're doing!"

"No, Sasuke-kun," the boss insisted, an edge creeping into his tone. "I distinctly remember your primary objective was to hire the best counsellor money could buy. In fact, you insisted. Repeatedly. I made my enquiries and fulfilled my brief admirably, as the best may be found right here in Konoha."

"Who did you ask?"

"Sarutobi-sensei."

I stared at him stonily.

"Oh, that's just great. You ask your fucking foster father and he just _happens_ to direct you to someone who works for him? And here I thought you were able think for yourself! Orochimaru, the Great Scientist: 'Oh hi, Sarutobi! Just a quick question, but can you recommend someone good enough to straighten me out because my significant other is about to commit murder. No? I'm just _that_ mental? Well, do you know anyone in the therapy business who would be willing to at least put up with me? Fantastic. I'll tell Sasuke. He'll be so pleased.'"

"Be quiet, you irritating little shit!" the boss snarled. "Sarutobi-sensei hires only the best, as you well know. If you did not like my choice, then you should have damned well made it yourself."

"Oh take off your fucking hind-sight goggles and just get in," I snapped, pushing past him and striding towards the revolving door. "People are starting to stare."

We rode the elevator up to the tenth floor (the boss had a bit of paper with instructions written on it). Miraculously, only one person shared it with us and she alighted in Finance on the eighth floor – perhaps a wise decision, since the boss and I were radiating bad vibes from every pore. When we reached our destination, a tinny, pre-recorded female voice announced,_ "Tenth floor. Please mind your step."_

The doors slid open, and like something out of a nightmare, Hyuuga Neji appeared: smartly dressed, smiling – and worst of all, ready to greet us.

"Welcome, Orochimaru-sama, Sasuke," he said in his low, sombre tone as he inclined his head politely. "Please, do come this way..."

It happened almost instantly; that all-too-familiar feeling that descends upon me without warning when I am about to lose it. My heartbeat upped the pace a few notches, and the temperature of the blood pounding through my veins rocketed as a consequence, making me feel like everything was hot and prickling. I was breathing hard and fast, and I began to clench my fists and grind my teeth. I must have looked as though I was about to destroy something.

Dark thoughts passed through my mind in that moment – all of them centred around the boss and what I would do to him if the opportunity to be alone in a secluded place with a selection of hardware tools presented itself.

He had booked Neji. Hyuuga bloody Neji. The guy I went to school with, university with, worked with, and formed a casual friendship with as a result of our eerily synchronised lives. I know Neji well enough that we can hang out alone together without risking any awkward silences, and we have enough in common to make said hanging out sessions enjoyable, even. However – and this is a _big_ however – we have never been close. We both have our own sets of 'inner circle' friends: I have Naruto and Sakura, and Neji has Lee and Tenten, therefore we have never needed to progress beyond the point of good friends and into confidantes. All the big, messy, personal things that have happened over the course of my life, I have discussed with Naruto and Sakura (and occasionally Itachi.) Strangers are fine. They don't know me, I don't know them. But the thought of being forced to tell anyone else I _know_ about my problems fills me with dread and fear – the fear of humiliation, the fear of being judged and found wanting, and of course the ever present fear of failure.

Hence my reaction.

"_You idiot..."_ I seethed, turning to the boss. _"You dip-shit, fucking IDIOT!"_

Since the boss does not take criticism well, he opened his mouth to respond, but I was so incredibly furious with him, that for once I overrode him.

"THAT'S NEJI!" I shrieked, hurling a finger at my old work mate, who looked discomfited to be at the end of my pointy gesture of fury. "NEJI, ORCHIMARU-SAMA! I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH HIM! I AM NOT TELLING HIM MY PROBLEMS!"

"Sasuke," Neji ventured, quite bravely, "is there something wrong?"

Like a tormented, screaming demon languishing in a pit of hellfire, condemned forever to suffer the stupidity of others, I whirled around and set myself upon Neji. Grabbing him desperately by the lapels of his suit, I stared at him, wild-eyed, and whispered, _"What do you know?"_

Neji seemed genuinely unsettled, but replied with admirable composure.

"Of course I do not know the specifics, but I was under the impression you and Orochimaru-sama were experiencing relationship problems, and—"

Neji did not get to finish that sentence.

Actually, he might very well have done, except that I was not there to hear it. Having reached the end of my tether and snapped by that point, I pushed Neji away and ran down the corridor – a writhing ball of rage and stress – and did not stop when I reached the stairwell, thundering down all ten flights, until I hit the ground floor, where I emerged into the glittering, pristine foyer of the Konoha-Suna headquarters and let out a long, heartfelt scream of despair that seemed to come from the very core of my being. When I ran out of breath, I took time to inhale, screamed again, and when I was finished I punched a nearby potted plant. It toppled over and sent dirt spilling across the polished marble floor, which I kicked at viciously, making more mess.

When I calmed down to a mere fury, I noticed that people were staring at me. There were quite a lot of people in the foyer and I sensed fear in their eyes. I snarled at them, told them to call me a taxi, and stormed out. As I sat on the wall outside, grinding my teeth, an intern was sent out to ask me who the taxi was for and where I was going.

"The Sarutobi Estate," I snapped. "And who do you think it's for? Have you been hiding under a rock? It's for Uchiha. And I want it now!"

To give them their due, the taxi arrived pretty quickly, though I have the sneaking suspicion this was less from a desire to provide good service than to get me – the screaming, plant-punching madman – out of their workplace.

Within twenty minutes, I was at the Sarutobi estate. Tipping the driver handsomely (I was not exactly the most amiable passenger, having spent the journey scowling and muttering darkly to myself), I stomped all the way into the bedroom, threw myself onto the bed and screamed myself hoarse into a pillow. I think Mrs Sarutobi must have heard me, for she knocked quietly on the door and asked if I wanted a cup of tea. I said yes, and ten minutes later, I somehow ended up helping in the garden, picking pumpkins.

It's amazing what a bit of manual labour can do to heal the mind, let me tell you. Or if not heal, then it at least occupies the mind so you cannot dwell upon any problems greater than figuring out the most efficient way to pull weeds.

By the time the boss showed up an hour later, I was not in the least interested in arguing with him, because I was tired, filthy, wearing Sarutobi's old t-shirt, trousers and wellingtons, and having far too much fun prising uncooperative pumpkins from the cold ground. Strangely, he too did not seem to be interested in arguing, and he swept past Mrs Sarutobi and I and into the house without even the barest hint of a snide remark.

This, of course, was unusual.

"I think you should go talk to him, dear," Mrs Sarutobi suggested, as she dug her garden fork into the ground and gave the dirt a good turning over. "He's always worse when he's quiet. At least when he's making a fuss you know what it's about."

Sighing, I laid down my spade, and traipsed through the garden. Taking Sarutobi's boots off at the door, I went inside and wandered around until I passed a room I had not yet been in and heard water running. Pulling open the screen door, I found a beautiful, traditional bathroom. I was in the antechamber: a wet-room with an ancient-looking iron wash-basin that the boss had only recently used, as his clothes were strewn over the floor along with a few towels and a washcloth. I followed the trail of discarded clothing until I found the bathroom proper – and the boss.

He was lying soaking in an old-style _ofuro_ bath – deep and oddly long for what it was, and made of some sort of dark wood, like oak or alder, and built into a raised platform made of the same. The space wasn't large, but that added to its charm. It made the room cosy, intimate. What really elevated the room from pretty to stunning, however, was that the entire end wall gave way to a window that looked out onto a little garden – a secret, walled off part of the courtyard that would no doubt blossom into a riot of colour in summer.

"Wow, this room is fantastic," I said, just as the boss turned round (I had not bothered to tiptoe, so he heard me as I was coming in.)

"It is," he agreed. "It is one of my favourite rooms in the house. Though," he added, looking me up and down, "I think you need to use it more than I. What _are_ you wearing, Sasuke-kun?"

"Oh," I said, reddening. "Um... it's just one of Sarutobi's old sweaters. I was helping out in the garden. Why? What's it to you?"

"You smell of dirt and mothballs."

"They keep the spare gardening clothes in the shed," I said, a shade defensively, feeling my hackles raising again. "What do you want me to do about it?"

Brazen as always, with a sly smile, the boss replied, "Take them off."

"What, and jump into that bathtub so I can cover you in dirt and skin-flakes?"

The boss's lip curled at the (admittedly gross) image, and said, "As always, Sasuke, you have quite the way with words. Use the wash-basin. There are towels in the cupboard."

Then he took a deep breath and fully submerged, his dark hair floating on the surface of the water, looking uncannily like a tentacled sea creature. That was my cue to leave, and in the wet-room, I gladly stripped off my borrowed garments and scrubbed myself clean before returning to the bathroom, a towel wrapped round my waist. The boss was waiting for me, and stared at me as I removed my towel and carefully manoeuvred myself into the huge, wooden tub. He continued to stare even when I had made myself comfortable, which made me feel a little self-conscious and resentful, because the only reason I was there was to talk to him, as Mrs Sarutobi suggested.

Having grown tired of our staring match, I opened my mouth to initiate conversation. The boss, however, must have noticed the exasperated look in my eyes and jumped in first.

"What happened, Sasuke-kun?" he said severely, arms folded.

I was there to talk, so I was as well being honest as not.

"I am not telling him my problems," I said, bluntly. "I don't know what you were thinking scheduling our appointments with him. I've known that guy for years. He's my friend, and, to be honest, the thought of spilling my innermost to him makes me want to curl up and die of embarrassment."

At the other end of the bath, the boss regarded me for a moment with one of his strange, unreadable expressions, before he let slip a wry smile.

"Ah, how the tables have turned," he sighed, leaning back and dipping his hair into the steaming hot water. "Truly, the irony of our situation is most amusing. I feel I shall soon have to have Fe tattooed onto my forehead.

"What do you mean?"

"I did not wish to attend counselling for precisely the reason you stated," the boss said frankly. "And I told Neji-kun this when he asked why I seemed unwilling to participate – and also that I was reluctant to trust the future of my personal affairs to a third party—"

"Wait, wait, wait..." I interrupted, holding up a hand. "You told Neji this? You actually spoke to him?"

"Yes, Sasuke-kun," he replied, a shade testily. "If you would let me finish."

"Fine. Go on, then."

"As I was saying," he went on, eyeing me sternly, "I did speak to Neji-kun, and our conversation was actually rather illuminating. I very much enjoyed the opportunity to bitch about you in a constructive environment—"

"You bitched about me to Neji?"

"Don't look at me like that, Sasuke-kun. And stop interrupting me. You have absolutely no right to be angry. We had an appointment scheduled and you conveniently chose to make yourself scarce. As I had already made time for and paid for the appointment, I decided to take advantage—"

"I _chose_ to make myself scarce?" I said indignantly. "I didn't _choose_ anything! I freaked out because you're too selfish to think of me when arranging something as important as that."

"Sasuke-kun, the only reason I agreed to it in the first place was because I was thinking of you," the boss said, infuriatingly reasonable. "Either way, the irony is most amusing: you, who insisted upon the counselling in the first place, now want to back out, and I, who never wanted it, am already thinking ahead to the next appointment."

"You want to go back?" I said, my voice hollow with disbelief.

"Of course," the boss said serenely. "Neji-kun has provided me with a task – and you, if you wish to undertake it?"

"What is it?" I growled.

"I have to keep a diary for a week, providing my thoughts and feelings on my relationship with you," he said, with a sly smile. "It should be easy for you, since you're always typing away on that laptop of yours."

He paused thoughtfully for a long moment, then added, "If I am being entirely honest, I will attend next week's appointment with or without you, since I found it so pleasurably cathartic. So what is it to be, Sasuke-kun? Will you join me?"

For a moment, I sat there and scowled at the swirling surface of the water, watching the steam rise and making pretty patterns in the air, trying my hardest not to lose my temper, since that would have meant the boss had won. He was being so bloody reasonable, it was making me ill.

"Fine," I said, through gritted teeth. "I'll join you. I'm going to have to now anyway, aren't I? You've already told Neji personal things about me, so I'll have to tell my side of the story – and believe me, Orochimaru-sama, you're not going to look good in it."

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, the boss's reasonable facade slipped. His eyes narrowed, and I knew if I had stayed, discussion would have quickly degenerated into another shouting match. I got out of the bath, wrapped my towel around my waist and left for the bedroom without another word, the boss staring at me all the way out.

It is ridiculous. The boss and I are both late for dinner – Mrs Sarutobi having called us down an hour ago – because we are both writing in our diaries. I wonder if he has realised this is not a competition? Seriously, he is pissing me off to the point of no return, sitting at his stupid, little writing desk with his pen and paper, looking up and me and smirking every five minutes as if to say, "You want to know what I'm writing about, don't you?"

Well, I don't. I don't want to know at all. I don't give a shit what you write about in your painful, noobish excuse for a diary. I have three years worth of evidence on you, Orochimaru-sama, and I don't think your week-long testament will even be enough to wipe my arse with.

That's it. I'm hungry. I'm getting the hell out of here.

I'll write later.

January 7th

Alright, Neji. I'll play ball.

I may as well address this to you, since you will be reading it at a later date. While I'm here, I suppose I should also take the opportunity to apologise for frightening you the other day. You see, I was already a little wound up by the time we arrived, and when I saw you standing there... it tipped me over the edge. I was afraid of telling my problems to someone I knew, but don't worry. I've put that behind me. Now, I am more concerned with telling my side of the story, because I know Orochimaru-sama has already spoken to you about me and has no doubt fed you a pack of melodramatic lies, as is his wont.

So I have decided to go through with the counselling and will therefore diligently record my daily dose of trauma, courtesy of the boss. I shall stick to the format you provided, do my best to answer your daily question, and will have the entries typed up and ready for next week.

See you then.

Sasuke.

_Neji-kun,_

_Pray forgive the untidiness of my handwriting. It is the curse of the perennially inspired scientist, for I have grown accustomed to waking and making notes in haste in the dark, and so my penmanship has suffered._

_Pray forgive, too, that my entries are written long-hand. I find my thoughts flow more freely from the pen than when I am sat staring at a blank screen. If there are parts you cannot read, by all means ask that I type them up for you. I certainly have the time to do so, as Sasuke appears to be in a sulk, and has taken to glaring at me in sullen silence. I suppose it is an improvement upon the shouting._

_Orochimaru._

DAY ONE:

Do you know what bugs me most about the boss? Well, when I say 'most', I don't really mean it, as there is a pretty long list of things that bug me about him, but this one is up there, it really is. You _have_ to know about this, otherwise you will be hoodwinked by the boss's charm – and please do not think you are immune, for many stronger individuals have fallen for it hook, line and sinker.

I remember having a conversation with him, oh... it must have been a few years ago, about gods and mythology and what purpose they served in society. I cannot recall what conclusion we came to. In fact, there probably never was one, since the sort of conversation the boss relishes leans decidedly towards the abstract, in which the vague and lofty are favoured and concrete pronouncements of any sort deemed arrogant or presumptuous at best. At any rate, what I remember most was not the heart of the matter. Rather, a particular god stuck in my mind.

Janus, the god of gates and doors, beginnings and endings. He is the sun and the moon; the god of grey areas; of middle grounds; of new beginnings and enterprises and change. He is almost always represented with two faces, each looking in opposite directions. I remember sitting on the sofa in the TV room at the boss's house, listening to him wittering on about some militantly atheist viewpoint he held regarding the place of gods in one's life, and all the while I was thinking, 'Janus. He is exactly like you.'

There are two sides to Orochimaru-sama: the face he presents to the world at large, and the one he keeps to himself and only shows to those closest to him. The side of him you are most likely familiar with is the former: the eloquent, powerful, charismatic, maverick scientist who is, of course, allowed his eccentricities and the occasional diva strop because he is something of a genius. He possesses a truly magnetic personality. The man oozes charm, and people are for some inexplicable reason drawn to him. He lets them in, all smiles, and promises them the world on a platter – and when he's caught them and they think he's the best thing since sliced bread, when it's too late to back out, he shows them his other side.

The other side is not pretty. He is moody, mercurial, regularly throwing horrendous temper-tantrums that are almost psychotic in their ferocity. He is manipulative and also very aware of his power and intelligence and has absolutely no qualms about using them against you to crush you like a bug if he has decided you have wronged him – and unless you mean something to him, he will not feel even a flicker of emotion over it. He is possessive, authoritarian, spoiled, vindictive and vain. He is also solitary, nothing like the image of the elegant socialite most people erroneously assign to him. Very rarely will he ever venture outside the compound for a social occasion; if clients wish to see him, they come to us, not we to them. Truthfully, he doesn't actually go out much, preferring either to work late at the labs, or if he comes home, he likes to drink wine and talk to and/or fuck me (one does not exclude the other) until he falls asleep and wakes up for work the next morning.

To the world, he shows once face – to me, another. I don't mind it, for there are very nice aspects to his personal face, but I am concentrating on the negatives at the moment just so you get my point.

Do not fall for his charm. Otherwise, impartiality will be impossible. I know I'm preaching to the converted here, and that you are a Hyuuga and an excellent therapist, but please, just hear me out, because the boss is also excellent at charming and manipulating people and I don't want these sessions to go to waste because of it.

I'm going to go to bed now, and when I wake up, hopefully, it'll be a better day. And if he annoys me, or says something that makes me want to knock his teeth out, I'll just pinch him in random places while he's sleeping and relieve a bit of stress like I did last night.

Is it wrong for me to find it funny when I do this?

_Day One._

_You asked me in our meeting earlier today what aspects of my Sasuke-kun's behaviour I found frustrating, and I could not answer right away, not having given sufficient thought to the matter beyond the obvious such as the moody tantrums, the sulking, the insolence and the shocking levels of disrespect with which he treats me when he is wallowing in one of his aforementioned sulks. However, having since had time to mull it over, I do believe I have stumbled upon a cause more profound, as it reflects upon aspects of my personality as much as his. _

_The night I cheated on Sasuke-kun, I was angrier than I had ever been with him. By report of Uchiha Madara, I had learned that Sasuke had expressed an interest in working for the Akatsuki Group – something I had feared would arise, but had not until then given much thought, since I had come to believe Sasuke-kun was happy working for me, and, by extension, was happy being with me._

_Madara's revelation came as a shock, and it affected me more than I had anticipated. It affected me deeply, in fact, and I must confess I lost control. I was furious with him, believing him at the time to be a mercenary, ungrateful, little cockroach, who would have taken all I had given him and scuttled away in the darkness to feed off of some other unsuspecting wretch._

_That is what I thought at the time. But it was a convenient excuse I had fashioned for myself to mask what I truly felt. In all honesty, the thought of losing him was the genuine cause of my anxiety, and I hated and resented the fact that anyone could make me feel that way. It was then I realised he had real power over my thoughts and feelings. My fear and my anger were wound up in one another, and I took it out on Sasuke-kun because he was the cause of it all._

_Later that night, something happened which, far from dispelling my fears, only served to consolidate them and my resentment for the hold Sasuke-kun had over me. Kimimaro – my former lover, and a sweet if misguided boy – trying to win back my affections informed me that Sasuke was very much aware of his power over me, and that he would use it without hesitation in order to manipulate me. My suspicions confirmed from the mouth of another, a crack appeared in my carefully ordered world, and I felt an overwhelming moment of distress, which I sought to repress or else it would have ruined me._

_I slept with Kimimaro, took advantage of his love for me and took out my frustrations on him. All the while, I craved my Sasuke-kun and cursed his name for making me feel so miserable and conflicted._

_He knows very well he can goad me, manipulate me, control me – this merely by batting his eyes at me, or initiating a well-timed kiss, or even making me laugh at the right moment. No one has ever been able to do this to me. I have never desired anyone so much I was willing to tolerate such disrespect. I hate it, yet cannot help being taken in by it. It is when I become aware of his behaviour that conflict arises, as I become angry with him and with myself, which in turn sets off Sasuke-kun because he feels himself unfairly vilified._

_My... what a revelation. _

_January 8__th_

_Day Two._

_10.15am_

_I am aware you have not yet set us our question for today, Neji-kun, but I feel I must raise a point of issue here – or at least a potential issue that may jeopardise my ability to attend further counselling appointments._

_Yesterday morning, I woke up covered in small, red bruises. This morning, yet more have formed. The bruises are subcutaneous and therefore not very painful, but they appeared to have bloomed spontaneously – without injury, fall or any other cause – and are located at random throughout my body. I am aware it is common as one gets older for the skin to be more fragile and therefore more liable to bruising, but this is too much. I am not that old._

_I will speak to Tsunade about it and ask for her professional opinion. I hope it is not serious, as I do not relish another stretch in an infirmary for yet another life-threatening condition. I feel I have had more than my fair share of them lately._

DAY TWO:

8:42am

"Well I'm hating, all of this,  
I'm hating, all of this,  
All of this, all of this,  
Now I know why, I hide my love from you somedays,  
No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me,  
You came along, and tore this wall down around me,  
Looks like you found me,  
Now I know why,  
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning."

Just kidding. I don't even like Nickelback. I don't even feel much like shit either, which is a welcome change from yesterday morning when the boss refused to eat anything because he thought I called him fat. (For the record, I did not call him fat. Absolutely did not.) I think maybe the night-time pinching helps. The gardening too, since I have offered to help out Mrs Sarutobi again. She has a huge heated greenhouse filled with plants, even in January, and today's main chore is seed-planting, though she mentioned she had a surplus of certain vegetables which she plans to get out of the ground and turn into a beautiful, hearty, winter soup before the snow arrives – which it will, and soon, if the forecasts are to be believed.

Is it wrong that I'm looking forward to pulling the rutabagas?

_Day Two._

_1.10pm_

_My Sasuke-kun has developed a taste for gardening. He is still in his twenties, and I find this strange. By all rights, he should be behaving according to stereotype: drinking and taking drugs in nightclubs. Perhaps it is true when he says in thoughtless anger that I have sucked all the life out of him. Then again, perhaps it is as I have always suspected: that my Sasuke-kun is unique and not at all like other young men of his age. If he were, I would not be in this position._

_I am sitting out at the pavilion, watching him as he stoops among the furrows, gracelessly hauling at rutabagas with a look of single-minded concentration I for some reason find awfully amusing. He has fallen twice, and each time his face darkened in that impatient scowl so familiar to me, before he rose again to his feet, dusted himself off and carried on. It is cold outside, and I can see even from here that his hands are red and sore, but he does not seem to have noticed._

_My Sasuke-kun is resilient and determined, it appears, and will not easily give way – not even to the elements and the outdoors. Perhaps we do possess certain similarities in character._

_Biwako invited me to lend a hand and join her and Sasuke-kun, but I politely declined. Except in the labs, I am not at all inclined to get my hands dirty, and I much prefer observing Sasuke-kun work. He knows perfectly well I am watching him, as he turns round at intervals and gives me the finger when he thinks Biwako is not looking._

_I care not. His antics amuse me._

DAY TWO:

3:42pm

Wow, what a morning.

It is safe to say that I am absolutely shattered. After my big breakfast this morning, I worked through lunch for six hours straight in the garden with Mrs Sarutobi (she told me to call her Biwako, but I cannot get used to it.) We pulled some rutabagas and leeks from the patch, and some lettuces and potatoes from the greenhouse. In the greenhouse we also sowed mizuna, pak-choi, cabbage and – my favourite – tomatoes. Mrs Sarutobi said once they fruit, she'll bring some over to Otogakure for me, and she marked off the section I had planted and wrote a little label which said: "Sasuke's tomatoes." I felt strangely pleased about this, and was happy and filled with a sense of achievement when I was released from my duties and sent to go wash up.

Remembering the bathroom from the day before, I decided to treat myself to a good scrub and then a long soak in the tub. The boss had been staring at me all morning while I worked, sitting on his arse, drinking tea and conspicuously not eating because he's still being an idiot about my calling him fat (which I did not do.) When I went inside, he followed me into the bathroom, closing the door behind him just as I was taking my shirt off.

Now, I am uncertain how much information you would care to know regarding intimate matters, but let me just say he had that familiar look on his face. A gleam in the eye and a slant of the mouth that translates to: Sex. Now. We've been together so long he doesn't even have to suggest it anymore, I just know when he's up for it (which is pretty often, if I'm being honest.)

Despite feeling tired and achy, I gave in to his advances – and in the end, I rather enjoyed myself. The water was warm and comforting, and the knots of tension that had formed from my day's work unwound, helped along by the boss, who seemed to be feeling oddly generous as he gave me a backrub. The boss found some orange oil in the cupboard too, and he tipped a generous quantity into the water, and I breathed in its sweet, citrus scent while engaging in a bit of nefarious behaviour – this to reward him for his good behaviour. The downside to this, however, is that we now both smell strongly of orange oil. The Sarutobis are _so_ going to know what we've been up to. Old people know these things. They have been banging away all their lives and have in-built sex-guilt detectors that kick in when their own libidos cop-out, I swear it.

Another downside is that the boss seems to have noticed the bruises. I admit I did pinch him rather forcefully last night, and the result is a series of small, red contusions covering his body and disfiguring his uniformly pale skin. The fact that he mentioned them probably means he is worried about them, and I feel guilty because I nodded and said he should probably go to a doctor.

I _was_ going to tell him, but if I had done, it would have ruined the moment. We were both feeling so relaxed and content in each other's company, and I haven't felt like that in ages...

I am fully aware I am not supposed to lie anymore, so I will tell him eventually.

Honest.

_Day Two._

_6.43pm_

_Today has turned out better than I expected. I have had wonderful sex with Sasuke-kun and plan to have more._

_We have not long returned from our evening meal – another of Biwako's excellent examples of traditional home cooking – and my Sasuke-kun is feeling the effects of his long, hard day. He is slumped on my side of the bed, sleeping soundly and drooling upon my pillow. He has also managed to manoeuvre himself into a slightly awkward position, lying face down on the bed, though with his head turned slightly to the right so he does not suffocate. In consequence, his appearance has radically altered, his face squashed into a most comical expression. He looks like Quasimodo's better-looking younger brother._

_Perhaps that is a little harsh. The resemblance lies only in the turned-up nose._

_Even then, I would still turn him over and take great pleasure in fucking him senseless._

_Do I hear a shocked intake of breath? As well I might. You are a Hyuuga, after all, and your family are not known for its members' lascivious natures. You may therefore find that sentiment crude, wanton – even animalistic in its instinctive, tugging-at-the-guts carnality. But I am old enough to know myself, to know that I possess these primal cravings, and that I _will_ indulge them. Indeed, I very much enjoy indulging them and see no reason to hide this fact from those of my acquaintance. Thus my unfortunate reputation for hedonism._

_Sasuke-kun, however, is a different matter._

_To the world, he presents an image of a very suave, clever, accomplished and self-assured individual. He is all of those positives, and more. At heart, though, he is a very self-contained and reticent young man, who does not yet know himself as well as he thinks. He will go after and secure long-term, lucrative contracts with major players on the world's political stage without breaking a sweat; will throw himself up on stage in front of an audience of hundreds and perform in a confident, polished manner; will scream at me for hours on end until he's blue in the face and I have long lost my patience with him; but when it comes to satisfying his most basic human needs, he becomes uncharacteristically bashful. _

_I have it on reliable report from Uzumaki Naruto that Sasuke lost his virginity a little later than most (much like myself, if I am being honest.) This intrigued me, as Sasuke is a very good-looking young man and had (still has) women and men swarming around him. Naruto, however, explained that Sasuke maintained not to have much interest in sex even after he had lost his virginity, viewing it as a distraction, as something he neither needed nor wanted._

_Having known him now for three years, I can confidently state that the above excuses Sasuke provided are a front which he uses to hide his true feelings on the matter: that he does not like the way sex stirs up in him and exposes all the base emotions and desires he has determinedly kept hidden away since adolescence._

_I know he enjoys sex with me. He has never told me this, but I know it. Unlike Kabuto or Kimimaro (my other longer term partners), he has never once refused my advantage or lied about having a headache. Even when he is angry with me, or slightly under the weather, or homesick, he will still turn to me and look at me in that manner most inviting that lets me know exactly what he wants without having to ask, because he is too proud._

_With other partners, I grew quickly bored, and had to resort to increasingly ridiculous methods of making the sex entertaining. They gave nothing of themselves and I gave nothing of myself. There was no connection. It was flash-in-the-pan fulfilment of wanton desire that held as much meaning as steamed rice and dumplings. They let me fuck them and that was all that mattered._

_With Sasuke-kun, I have to do no such thing. The act itself is its own reward, and I never, ever get bored of him. For even though he may maintain to disdain sex, even though he is reticent and proud and fears showing any sort of baser instinct – deep down he craves it, relishes it just as I do. When I climb on top of him in bed, making my intentions most explicit, his lofty ideals clash with his instincts and I see them warring within him, fighting for dominance. It makes my heart sing, and I love nothing more than teasing him, touching him, caressing him, fucking him, until he can take it no more and all his Uchihan pride vanishes like so much dust – and for a fleeting, beautiful moment he lies before me, bare and exposed, and I see him for everything that he is, with a glittering lust in his eyes that never fails to take my breath._

_My Sasuke-kun is beautiful. My Sasuke-kun is perfect. My desire for him is both sensuous and sensual. My desire for him is one born of ideals and instincts._

_At night, I break him just a little, and my proud, innocent Sasuke-kun mends himself and lets me do it all over again the next day._

_My desire for him is absolute, and I will never let him go. I enjoy him far too much. _

DAY TWO:

10:45pm

After another round of sexual acrobatics, I am tired, sore, yet oddly happy. I'm sitting out in the pavilion with the Sarutobis, typing this entry up while they argue with each other over the crossword (twenty-one across, seven letters: uses all vowels in the English language. If you know the answer, please contact them, as they will not let me look it up on Google.) The fantastic thing about the pavilion is that you can sit outside in almost any weather. It's snowing at the moment, as the forecasts predicted; great, fat, generous flakes of the stuff flurrying with intent to land and damned well lie there until morning, melting upon contact with the chilly surfaces of the ponds and lakes but clinging to pretty much everything else. The garden looks beautiful.

The boss is in bed, stretched out and content, lying there like an indolent god, able to do nothing more than smile at me in a dozy sort of way (he gets like that after we've had sex – it's the best way to shut him up), so I left him there and went outside to be sociable.

While I was at the pavilion, I received a phone call from Naruto. I won't go into why this was in any way special, but, suffice to say, it was. I haven't spoken to him for awhile and hearing his obnoxiously cheerful voice again really did lift my mood, even though his opening comments were: "Dude, are you in Konoha? Chouji said he waved at you outside HQ and Aoba said he heard you screaming in the foyer. Is that true?"

We spoke for quite a long time and the end result was a meeting planned for Sunday afternoon at Ichiraku Ramen (could it have been anywhere else?) Naruto and Sakura have time off then, so they will both be in attendance. I must confess I am terribly excited about it, but also a little nervous, because I'm not sure what I'm going to do about the boss. He has something of a past with Naruto, you see, and I don't think either of them would be too happy to see one another just yet. I'll have to rack my brains and think of a way of dodging the boss for a couple of hours on Sunday.

Oh well. I have all day tomorrow to think about it. I suppose I had best get on with answering your question, otherwise it'll _be_ Sunday before you get any answer from me.

You asked whether there were any external influences that may in any way cause tension in our relationship. For me, there was one, but it as it is never going to be an issue again, I do not much want to talk about it. I know already that where the boss is concerned, public enemy number one is going to be my brother, and since he has no doubt prepared a venom-filled diatribe the likes of which you will have never before read, I shall not bore you by pre-treading what will become tediously familiar ground.

No doubt he will go over his many grievances in detail that would stun a retard, so I think I shall leave it to him and turn in for the night, as it bothers me tremendously when he bad-mouths Itachi. I would rather be unconscious when he's doing it, as I am liable to punch him if I catch a glimpse of his pen-and-paper bitching. I am oddly defensive when it comes to my brother.

Over to you, Orochimaru-sama. If you don't mention Itachi, you are a lying sack of shit.

_Day Two._

_10.50pm_

_Pray forgive the relatively late hour, Neji-kun. I would have gotten straight to the point and answered today's question much earlier had I not been otherwise engaged. My Sasuke-kun keeps me well entertained._

_You asked whether there were any external influences that may in any way cause tension in our relationship. Without any hesitation, I can name two. The first will come as absolutely no surprise to Sasuke-kun, since the common origin of many of our more serious altercations is none other than Itachi, his mentally maladjusted brother. The second, however..._

_Well. We shall see._

_I first met Uchiha Itachi during my seven-year stint at the Akatsuki Group. Though not at that time the majority shareholder, Uchiha Madara had a respectable degree of influence in the running of the company, and wished to recommend his nephew, Itachi, as well as another young man called Hoshigaki Kisame from Kirigakure who, he informed us, had shown promise. At the time, Itachi was still working for Konoha-Suna and was fresh out of university, but upon receiving his summons from Madara, he resigned his position in Konoha to take up the one offered him at Akatsuki and was paired with Kisame, the other newcomer._

_Itachi therefore knew me during the period of my life in which riotous debauchery loomed large, and as Itachi is cold, stoic and proper – in all ways unlike me – I was never a popular figure in his estimation. Of course, I was aware of this, and took great delight in making him uncomfortable; my flings with Deidara were a particular bugbear, I believe, though I do not see how they were any worse than the reports I knew filtered down to him of my other exploits. I would wager some of them would even have made his toes curl, the strange, prudish creature that he is._

_I knew, then, when I got together with Sasuke-kun that Itachi would automatically jump to the wrong conclusion regarding my intentions towards his brother. I also knew that he would go to tremendous lengths to keep little, innocent brother safe from me: the lascivious libertine twice his age and interested in only one thing. I was prepared for all this, and quite ready to give as good as I would get, for I truly did not give a shit about his opinion on the matter. As far as I was concerned, I would have Sasuke-kun, whether or not he approved of the match._

_What I did not expect, however, was Sasuke-kun's bewildering and continual attachment to Itachi – and this is the aspect of the relationship that irritates me deeply._

_You see, Sasuke-kun is only too aware of his brother's faults - knows that he is cold, ascetic, unresponsive, has all the emotion and passion of a plank of wood with a straight face drawn on, is manipulative, controlling, jealous and over-protective to the point where I am beginning to think he is mentally disturbed in some way. He is also keeping secrets from Sasuke, lying repeatedly to him about an unknown something which is clearly bothering him and is therefore probably serious. Sasuke-kun is aware of all this – yet is content to let it go as 'Itachi being Itachi', believes that his brother will come round and confess the truth when he is ready, and will give him innumerable second chances without Itachi ever having earned them. He is extended these infinite favours merely because he is his brother. I am afforded no such honour. I have to work to earn my Sasuke-kun's affections while Itachi is handed it on a plate, which he promptly tosses aside. He abuses his privilege. He abuses the unconditional love which his brother lavishes upon him, and it makes me sick. If I could experience that, I would not treat Sasuke so._

_I could go on all night about the many ways Itachi has infuriated me in the past, but to save your sanity, Neji-kun, I shall refrain, and instead move on to my next point of issue._

_Naruto-kun is rather more difficult to account for, though he is nonetheless a source of tension, at least from my point of view. Unlike Itachi, his intentions are not explicit, nor are they intentional, yet Naruto-kun holds an influence over my Sasuke in ways his brother could only dream of._

_Friends since childhood, I believe, and it appears to have been very much a case of opposites attracting: Sasuke, the cool, moody, polished young man, taciturn and darkly handsome – and Naruto, the loud, blonde explosion of energy, armed with a relentless optimism (that if I were being unkind would call naïveté), unshakeable good faith, and an astonishing amount of charisma that draws even people like Sasuke-kun to him, who would not otherwise have the patience for his tomfoolery._

_I knew from the beginning Itachi would be a stumbling block if I were to have my Sasuke-kun, and as I have said before, I was quite prepared to lock horns with him. I was not prepared for Naruto._

_You may or may not believe this, but in the early stages of our relationship, I was actually jealous of Uzumaki Naruto – this due to my mistaken belief that there was something more than friendship between him and my Sasuke-kun. I calmed down, of course, when I realised their relationship was just that. Friendship, nothing more. Naruto's role, however, in blindly supporting a rebellion instigated by Sasuke-kun which resulted in a trip to Joyland Park (it _was_ unplanned and it _was_ rebellion, no matter how much Sasuke may protest to the contrary) made the old, dark feelings of jealousy and resentment stir again. I realised then that Naruto would do anything for Sasuke, and that their friendship – though only a friendship – was not _just_ anything. An unshakeable bond I could perhaps comprehend, but I could never be a part of it, and so – to my shame – I attempted to break it. I paid dearly for my actions, and lost my Sasuke-kun._

_This is the strength of their bond. It is stronger than me, than all the power and influence I wield, than everything I could throw at them in my spite to tear them apart._

_Uzumaki Naruto made me feel powerless, and I hated him for it._

January 9th

DAY THREE:

2:45pm

You know how life is. One moment you're pulling rutabagas and covered in orange oil, and the next thing you know, your significant other is screaming in your face because he caught you pinching him and is accusing you in front of the 'in-laws' of deliberately trying to make him think he had leukaemia.

No?

Well this is what my life is like.

Now, before I go ahead and bemoan the downturn my love-life has suddenly taken, I should stress that I am fully aware of the role I played in the crisis and am perfectly willing to acknowledge that I am no saint. I did pinch the boss early this morning when I woke up, I have been pinching him for the past few nights, and yes, I did knowingly and willingly keep the fact that I was the phantom pincher from him – but I have perfectly logical explanations for my behaviour, which he – characteristically – is loath to listen to because he has gone off on one of his mad rages and is stomping around the garden in the snow and muttering to himself like a mad emperor, or a crazy old tramp that discharged himself from the psychiatric ward and happened to mug an emperor and steal his clothes on the way back to his damp, cardboard box.

At any rate, I cannot talk to him right now, so I would like to take the opportunity to set the record straight in a rational manner before he flips the psycho switch and turns on the caps lock in the entry he will no doubt compose for you.

As I said, I have perfectly logical explanations for the pinching – none of them whatsoever related to mental illness on my part. The pinching is a punishment; the reason for its execution simple. If the boss acts like a massive wanker and sustains said massive wanker status for a prolonged period of time (for example, overnight) and I have no way of taking out my frustrations on him, I will pinch him while he sleeps. This boasts two major advantages. The first is that because he is unaware of the pinching, I will not exacerbate the situation and elevate the boss's massive wanker status to full-blown. The second is that I get to punish him and feel a whole lot better after having done so. Really, in a way, I have been very considerate – and surely it is better than cheating?

This morning's pinching was a little different, however, as my desire to punish stemmed from another quarter. Yes, the boss's perennial, external source of trouble and strife: my brother.

Again, I do not feel I am at liberty to go into specifics, but suffice to say at Christmas this year, Itachi and the boss had a rather serious altercation, and my brother did not come out well from it. Over the last two weeks or so, I have been very worried about him. He has been ignoring my calls and emails and rebuffing any attempts at correspondence, which is unusual for Itachi, since he always wants to know what I'm up to, even when he's angry with me. But since they do not get on, I don't always feel I can talk to the boss about him. Especially not now, as I had to ask the boss a rather large favour as regards Itachi, and when he agreed, I feel he earned the right not to have to listen to me going on about him in his downtime.

At the same time, though... I cannot forget what he said to my brother and all the things he did that day that pushed Itachi twice over the line.

I woke up early this morning, and the first thought that popped into my head when I rolled over and looked at him was: "You have been slinging mud at my brother, who is very probably unwell and stressed out of his mind. To my soul, to the very core of my being, I resent this."

So I started pinching him.

I did not expect his hand to dart out and catch me mid-pinch, his fingers wrapping around my forearm, his grip ominously tight. Startling as it was, it made me jump, seeming uncannily like a motor reflex, as the grasp came first and the rest of the waking routine followed – you know, normal stuff like eyes opening and _moving around_, for instance. As soon as he grabbed me, my second thought of the day hurried into my mind and clamoured for my attention, informing me that it was highly likely I had been busted and would thus have to prepare myself for either an enormous amount of on-the-spot lying, or a horrendous fight.

Unfortunately, the look in the boss's eyes when he turned to me suggested he had already put two and two together and that he conclusion he came to wasn't something that pleased him.

"The bruises, Sasuke," he began, his voice still croaky with sleep but unmistakable dangerous, "did you put them there?"

"Um... no?" I offered after a brief moment's hesitation, a hopeless attempt to cling to the security of option one.

The boss's eyes narrowed and his grip tightened a shade.

"Try again, Sasuke," he said curtly.

"Um... maybe?" I replied, feigning uncertainty.

The boss regarded me with a haughty look of measured contempt before he began his cross-examination.

"Yesterday, in the bath, Sasuke-kun," he ventured, still not having let go of my arm. "I showed you my bruises, correct?"

"Yes."

"And did you not state, when I wondered how on earth I could have acquired them, that you thought it an utter mystery?"

"Yes."

"And then, when I mentioned in that case I should probably see a doctor because the bruises could have been an outer sign of a rather more serious internal affliction, did you not agree with me and say my plan was eminently sensible?"

"I did."

"And if I had sought medical advice upon these most mysterious bruises, what do you think the doctor would have told me?"

"That you were perfectly healthy?"

"And why would that be, Sasuke?"

"Because I've been pinching you at night," I admitted, screwing my eyes shut because I knew what was coming.

One-by-one, I tentatively opened them again when I felt the boss let go of my arm and shift position. I turned to him, and he had drawn his knees up and was resting his hands upon them, staring ahead at the wall, seeming lost in thought. It wasn't long, though, before he spoke again.

"Do you know what sorts of conditions may be diagnosed by extensive, unexplainable bruising, Sasuke?"

I said that I did not.

"Most are startlingly grave," he went on, thoughtfully. "Among them are cirrhosis of the liver, haemophilia, leukaemia and various sorts of aggressive cancers."

I said, in all honesty, that I was not aware that bruising was a symptom for those particular diseases.

This confession unwittingly caused the situation to nosedive into paranoia, psychosis, a great deal of shouting and, as a result, the dragging of the 'in-laws' into our personal problems.

"Really?" the boss said waspishly, turning to face me. "You had absolutely no idea?"

"No idea whatsoever."

"Yet you were content to carry on with your ridiculous, nocturnal pinching routine even after I had expressed my concerns to you?" he said, his eyes flashing. "Don't lie to me! You knew damned well what you were doing! I never thought you would go to such lengths to get out of a therapist's appointment, but obviously I was not aware of just how low you would be prepared to sink!"

For a moment, I stared at him, trying to figure out what in the hell he was getting at – and when it finally dawned, the extent of his paranoia made it clear to me that this time, instead of getting it bang on the money, he had put two and two together and saw two Technicolor swans swimming in a lake of custard.

"You think," I began levelly, "that I pinched you on purpose so you would think you had leukaemia?"

"I wouldn't put it past you," he said viciously, folding his arms in an aggressive manner.

Really, at that point, I was utterly dumbfounded and found it rather difficult to express just how ludicrous I found his accusations, so I resorted to spluttering incoherently.

"W-What? You think that—? You really think—? Oh my god. Oh my _god_, I cannot believe you. I just cannot believe you!"

"Playing the outrage card now that I've found you out, Sasuke-kun?" the boss said with a nasty smile.

"Oh my god, _no_!" I shouted, becoming more and more indignant by the second. "I'm outraged I have to put up with your paranoia! You're so far off the mark that the mark has given up waiting for you to find it and gone home! I was pinching you because you were pissing me off!"

"Why would you do that when you could merely scream your head off as you always do?" the boss shouted, raising his voice to match my volume.

"_I was being considerate, you fucking moron!"_ I shrieked, with an agitated flail of my upper limbs.

I understood my motivations, even if the boss did not, which was unfortunate. The other unfortunate thing was, of course, that the boss had assigned to my actions other more sinister undertones and was determined to have them proven right. This resulted in a conflict that could not be immediately resolved and it therefore magically transformed into a lengthy shouting match, which eventually – to my embarrassment – woke the Sarutobis.

"Boys!" Mrs Sarutobi said, yawning and rubbing her eyes as she opened the screen door. "What is going on?" Sarutobi himself was at her elbow, and he seemed equally tired and bewildered.

As soon as we realised they were there, we must have thought exactly the same thing:

_Witnesses!_

The boss, having rolled out the spoiled, put-upon child act since he came to them at the age of eight, was quick off the draw and got in there first.

"Do you recall the unexplained series of small, red contusions that began to appear upon my body a few days ago?" he asked them, in an aggressive manner that betrayed the fact that he knew the answer and was damned well going to tell them and make a drama out of it while he was centre stage.

"Yes?" Sarutobi said, puzzled. "I do remember, Orochimaru. You were quite worried. Has something cropped up?"

"Oh yes, something has cropped up," the boss scoffed. "Something has, indeed, _cropped up_."

And then, with his infuriating penchant for melodrama, he struck a pose reminiscent to that of the evil monkey from Family Guy, brandished a pointed finger at me and howled, "SASUKE-KUN HAS BEEN BRUISING ME!"

As one, the Sarutobis turned to look at me, eyebrows raised. Suddenly feeling under an intense amount of scrutiny (they are the 'in-laws' after all, and, according to their own son, they always take the boss's side on everything) I did my best to explain myself, but the boss kept shouting me down. You know how it is. 'He who shouts loudest.' I am not proud to admit it, but I became a tad frustrated, not being able to get a word in edgeways, and I threw a mini tantrum and stormed out of the room.

Tired of not being listened to, sick fed-up of trying to talk to the hostile brick wall that was the boss, humiliated in front of the Sarutobis, I retreated to the one place in the estate that had become special to me. Ten minutes later, Sarutobi opened the door to the greenhouse, kicking snow off his shoes, and found me sitting on the floor, legs stretched out, next to the tomatoes, forlornly flicking bits of gravel across the path.

He sighed and crunched down the path, coming to rest next to me and sat down with a great deal of grunting and creaking of joints. There was a moment's pause, during which he took the opportunity to regard his wife's painstakingly cultivated blue orchids. By sitting there in a peaceful, non-threatening sort of silence, he created what I have come to know as a conversation vacuum, in which an individual – knowingly or unknowingly – manifests a silence so unbearably tangible that the other individual, or individuals, feel the need to resort to foolish babble in order to fill that silence. The boss is very, very good at this – and he obviously learned it from Sarutobi Hiruzen, the master.

Unable to bear the silence any longer, I blurted out, "I wasn't trying to make him think he was sick. Honest. I would not, would not do that. Ever. I didn't have a clue what random bruises meant! I'm not a doctor, am I?"

"There is the internet," Sarutobi mused.

My heart sank.

"Sarutobi, please believe me," I pleaded. "I would not do that to him."

"Wouldn't you?"

"No!" I insisted. "What would be the point? If he went to see a doctor tomorrow, he would have found out, and this whole mess would have happened, anyway. If I wanted to drive him mad, I'd just tell him I'm leaving him and going to stay in a Straight Edge Club commune with Itachi, Naruto, Lee and Gai."

"That is true..." Sarutobi said, scratching his chin thoughtfully.

Thank god, I thought. At last someone with a little sense who was willing to listen to me, however petty and inane my true motives.

"Honestly, Sarutobi, and this is the truth," I said, willing him to believe me. "I know it might sound mad, or even just plain silly, but pinching him at night was the only way I felt I could get back at him for being a wanker without everything degenerating into an argument. That's all! Nothing else! And it was just a few pinches here and there – it wasn't like I was punching him in the head!"

"And how long has this been going on for?"

"Only a couple of days."

"Orochimaru says he has been feeling a little fatigued lately," Sarutobi said, still with a hint of scepticism in his tone.

"Yes, that's because the idiot hasn't been eating," I replied, testily. "It is nothing to do with illness – real or imagined."

"Hmmm..." Sarutobi mused, as he turned around the concept in his mind to see if it met his approval. I could see from the amused glint in his eye that the truth had finally penetrated, and I cannot tell you how relieved I was. Really, Sarutobi does scare me a little, I will not lie to you.

A few seconds later, he turned to me, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips, and said, "Orochimaru has worked himself up into quite the state. Perhaps the counselling is affecting him more than he thinks?"

"It's making him paranoid!" I said. "He's analysing my every action to the point that he actually believes I'm trying to drive him mad! He's the one driving me mad!"

"I think it would be wise if you two weren't cooped up together quite so much," Sarutobi said, sensibly. "You do spend all of your time together, and that can't be healthy."

"Yeah," I said, thoughtfully. "I mean Biwako is always going on trips with her walking group, and you're pretty much always at work. You come home, spend your evenings together, and the only thing you argue about is the _Konoha Times_ crossword."

"Only nowadays, Sasuke," Sarutobi reminded me, smiling and shaking his head at the memories. "Orochimaru used to be quite the little troublemaker and we fought like cat and dog over him when we were young – Asuma and Hitomi, too. We're too old now for all that rubbish. Leave the lovers' tiffs to the young ones, is what I say."

"Really, though, Sarutobi, I _know_ that arguments are natural and inevitable and all that, but all the same, I would very much appreciate a little less of them in my life," I insisted. "That's why we're going to counselling."

Sarutobi sighed.

"Well, I suppose I could get Orochimaru out of the house for you for a few hours. Maybe tomorrow? I have a little problem in R&D that needs sorting – two new recruits and no one to train them up because Tsunade and Dan are away skiing and Shizune has caught the swine-flu, poor girl. I've been thinking about asking him but didn't want to impose."

Out of the blue, my victory senses began to tingle. Of all the lifelines I had ever been thrown, this was definitely one of the most welcome, for if Sarutobi's master plan came to fruition, I would be able to sneak away for a few hours and enjoy myself thoroughly with Naruto and Sakura at Ichiraku Ramen. Of course, though, I kept my emotions under wraps.

"Two new recruits?" I asked, innocently, while I felt like capering up and down the greenhouse and singing to the vegetables. "Anyone I know?"

"Interdepartmental promotion for Nara Shikamaru and another entirely new face – a young lady named Shiho, I believe."

"Shikamaru!" I exclaimed in amused outrage. "Really? I cannot believe he didn't tell me! Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time. I know he is the laziest bum sometimes, but he is very clever."

"Yes, we've noticed," Sarutobi said with a grin.

"Oh god," I said suddenly, as something hilarious occurred to me. "Just wait until he turns up tomorrow morning and finds the boss grinning at him in blood-spattered scrubs. High-octane nightmare fuel, or what? Oh my god, he's going to freak!"

I started chortling and Sarutobi gave me a knowing, wise old man look.

"Now, now, Sasuke-kun," he said. "Don't be unkind."

"No, no, this is hilarious," I said, already reaching for my phone and scrolling through names and numbers. "You really don't know how funny this is. I'm phoning him. Right now."

Full of sudden, unexpected, evil glee, I practically skipped out of the greenhouse, installed myself in Asuma's old bedroom, and spent the rest of the afternoon on the phone like a girl, informing various individuals of Shikamaru's impending misfortune – including the man himself.

Neji, I am telling you, you should have heard the note of barely suppressed panic in Shikamaru's voice when I told him that it was highly likely Orochimaru-sama would be lording it over him tomorrow morning. It was hilarious. I almost ruptured something internal trying not to laugh out loud when he admitted that he had once had a nightmare about the boss being his boss. It wasn't anything particularly traumatising: just the boss yelling at Shikamaru because he kept getting the same thing wrong, over and over again.

I have the funniest feeling that wasn't a dream, but a premonition. I offered this suggestion to Shikamaru, but he told me to piss off and hung up.

Is it uncharitable for me to feel ecstatically joyful that someone else will be on the receiving end of the boss's lunacy for a change? Is it?

Well, to be frank, I don't care. I only wish I could rig a camera to capture the mayhem.

I haven't called Naruto or Sakura yet. Perhaps I should, now that I know with certainty I can meet up with them and have some humorously awful news to share. In fact, while I'm on a roll with the whole 'calling everyone from Konoha in my goddamned address book' act, I might even try Itachi again. He won't answer, but I always feel better having at least tried.

LATER:

Itachi answered.

I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't that. I was so surprised when I heard him say, "Sasuke?" that I almost hit end call in panic because I did not know what to say. I pulled myself together long enough to squawk out, "Itachi! Um... how are you?" which was fortunate, as my brother seemed to want to talk to me. And we did talk, for a decent length of time by Itachi's standards. Not about anything momentous, but it was nice.

To cut a long story short, I am going to visit Itachi tomorrow afternoon. Naruto and Sakura are coming too. It'll be a long drive through the snow to Port Town, but Naruto generously offered to drive us there in his new car – which is so awesome, apparently, that it will 'make my face melt'. Interesting. I would much prefer it made the snow melt, but I suppose I cannot have everything.

Now, I know what you're thinking. I am keeping secrets from my significant other again. It may seem like that at the moment, but I plan to make a full disclosure by calling him on the day to let him know where I intend to go, with whom I am going, and when I plan to return. And if he does not like it, when I get back he will have the rest of forever to tell me _exactly_ why.

_Day Three._

_11.20pm_

_Doubt thou the stars are fire,_

_Doubt that the sun doth move,_

_Doubt truth to be a liar,_

_But never doubt the facts._

_That as the stars are fire, _

_The sun, a yellow dwarf,_

_And truth a moral construct,_

_Sasuke-kun may be depended upon to ruin my day – the vindictive, little troll that he is!_

_To my horror, I discovered this morning that Sasuke-kun has been the one causing the mysterious bruising I have been suffering from over the past few days. I caught him red-handed in the act – and when I questioned him, he continued to feign ignorance! Does he think I am a fool? That I am in the same vein as his gullible companion, Uzumaki Naruto (who would doubtless believe I am an interstellar chicken curry in disguise if Sasuke-kun insisted it were true)?_

_Well he made me feel like a fool – in front of Biwako and Sarutobi-sensei, no less!_

_Obviously, I was rather angry at him, and in the heat of the moment, I accused Sasuke-kun of bruising me with intent to make me believe I was ill. I am now in no way under the impression that this is true, as Sarutobi-sensei earlier reminded me that Sasuke truly would have been ignorant of the diseases and their symptoms. My Sasuke-kun may be clever, but we both know science is not his forte. _

_However, this does not excuse his behaviour. For although I do believe him, I am certainly not ready to make amends, because I resent the true reason for the pinching as much as the one I invented. He wants to punish me for my behaviour? As though I am an errant child he wishes to chide but fears an irrational explosion of temper? I call it presumptuous, deceitful, cowardly and disrespectful! I fear a pattern may be emerging, for I seem to believe punishment was a main motivating factor in his decision to be unfaithful with my CMO, and I have not a clue as to how I shall deal with it._

_Sometimes, I curse the day he came to Otogakure. _

_I am so very, very attracted to him._

_And now that I've thought about him, I inevitably want him._

_I wish he would come to bed. Then at least I could take out my frustrations on him. Or in him, whichever fits._

_Was that too much?_

DAY THREE:

12:54pm

Changed venues, and I am now back in my assigned bedroom with the boss. This is because I became bored earlier while in Asuma's room and decided to root around for his old shamisen I knew was stored away in a cupboard somewhere. Needless to say, my search for the shamisen was cut short when I stumbled upon what I am inclined to believe was his teenage masturbation kit. That a certain item had been washed, pressed, folded and neatly placed in a cardboard box along with the other kit components leads me to believe that Biwako has a somewhat twisted sense of humour, and that if her son ever came across it, he would die of embarrassment.

At any rate, once I had found it, I could not stop thinking about it and grossing myself out, and was thus forced out of one bedroom and into another. Thankfully, the boss was already asleep and was muttering and twitching, as per, so I got undressed, turned out the lights and crept into bed. My head had barely touched the pillow when the boss let out a low, eerie moan and began to toss and turn. Exasperated, convinced that I was in for a sleepless night, I set about constructing my usual pillows-plus-duvet shock-absorbing barrier. However, as I was in the middle of this, the boss let out a blood-curdling shriek and startled me. His eyes snapped open and he stared straight at me, through me, his eyes wild and unseeing, and shouted, "Who's that? _Who's that?_"

When I had retrieved my madly thumping heart from my mouth and calmed it down to its proper, anatomical position, I gave him a nervous little pat on the arm and said, "It's me, you idiot. Sasuke. Go back to sleep."

He stared at me a few seconds longer, as though weighing up the truth of my statement, and then he smiled vaguely and said, "Mmmn... that's good. I thought... thought you were the octopus... hammering on the door... brushed my leg and... mrrr..."

"Do you want me to tell it to go away?" I asked, having fulfilled many such requests in the past.

The boss's head lolled in a floppy, unconscious sort of way which I took as a sign of agreement, and he rolled over and flung an arm round me and whispered, "It's a bailiff."

I had no idea what that meant, but I knew what I had to do. In a clear voice, I addressed the darkness and said, without a hint of insincerity, "Fuck off, octopus."

This seemed to placate the boss and ridded him of whatever phantoms were plaguing him, as my words elicited a brief throaty chuckle, during which he felt it appropriate to nuzzle me as thanks, and a minute later he had dropped off again.

Let me tell you that this is by no means an irregular occurrence. Incidents like this happen at least once a week, and my own sleep is almost always compromised. This is because I have either laughed myself sore at his nocturnal ramblings and am no longer sleepy, or he has spent the night twisting himself up in the duvet and yelling at random and I have not had the opportunity to sleep. Tonight's sleeplessness seems to be a combination of the former and excitement over the drive to Port Town tomorrow, but if you could convince him to take some medication to quell the more severe flailing, Neji, I would be forever grateful to you.

January 10th

DAY FOUR:

9:05am

As expected, the boss recalled nothing of his night-time antics. Of course, he remembered that he was still angry with me and woke up early with a sour look on his face as he dressed for his goodwill mission to Konoha-Suna. I know he's only doing it because he has been handed a golden opportunity to check out the competition, but let's pretend he's a good person just for a moment.

Moment's over.

To be honest, I'm glad to see the back of him right now, as Naruto and Sakura will be arriving at half ten. I know it seems early, but the snow is really coming down, and we'll need that extra half and hour if we want to make it to Itachi's for twelve.

I'm so excited, I cannot tell you. I feel like I should have felt at Christmas.

But wait, why am I sitting around typing? I'd better get ready.

Wish me luck!

LATER:

Courtesy of Biwako, we're having some coffee, since we have about twenty minutes before we need to leave. I don't have the time to go into any great depth, but really... I am so happy. Four months ago, I thought I would never hear from my friends again, and though there was a nanosecond of awkwardness when they stepped through the front door, it was almost as quickly forgotten as Sakura let out a little sob and flung her arms around my neck. Naruto soon followed with an enthusiastic yell, hollering "GROUP HUG!" at the top of his lungs and dived at us, almost sending the three of us toppling.

We didn't talk about what happened in October. We didn't even apologise to one another. We didn't have to. Bringing it up again would have opened old wounds, and we each knew our sorrows and regrets were genuine. So we lost ourselves for a moment in childish antics and laughter, revelling once again in each other's company.

When we were fed up with trying to pin each other to the ground in the snow, I instead turned my attentions to Naruto's new car. My face did not quite melt in close proximity, as had been the promised effect, but his car is truly eye-wateringly loud. The main colour of the body is an electric, cobalt blue upon which day-glo yellow racing stripes have been sprayed. It has a huge, high-rise spoiler and seventeen inch, ten-spoked gold alloy rims. It is Naruto's pride and joy: a race-ready Subaru Impreza WRX STI.

It is a rally car. The ones that mad men drive around dirt roads in forests at break-neck speed and smash into trees.

It was flashy, brash and entirely suited to Naruto, but all the same, the sight of it coupled with its astonishing specs made me all tingly and set off my man-senses. Halfway through a dude-chat about torque and break horse power and top speeds, Biwako interrupted us and warned us not to be stupid and to drive safely. Naruto swore he would be responsible, and, he reminded her, he had already made the drive up to the estate without any problems.

"And besides," he added with a huge grin, "It's an all-weather car, Biwako obaa-chan! It's got four-wheel drive and uber-grip tyres of awesome!"

I don't think she was convinced, but she insisted we come inside and have coffees before leaving.

God, I cannot wait to get into that car and see what it's got.

I am so ridiculously excited...

_Day Four._

_11.42am_

_For the first time in sixteen years, I find myself in the laboratories of the Research and Development department of Konoha-Suna Corp, my surroundings strange yet at once familiar. Obviously, the technology has changed beyond all recognition, though the wishy-washy ethos of bureaucracy that set aflame my impatience and boredom for the place is still very much present._

_I am delighted to note, however, that my legend has not yet faded into obscurity, as I turned quite a few heads when I entered the building alongside Sarutobi-sensei this morning – and when I was presented to the Research and Development department I could see a few faces from the old guard that I recognised. They looked as though they were about to wet themselves, and the fervent muttering began in earnest, the newer recruits throwing darting glances at me – some worried, some curious – all wondering if I am truly as mad and black as I am painted._

_They will soon find out. Konoha-Suna are trialling a new drug; fifty young male volunteers from the university – paid for their time, naturally – will make their appearance later on in the day. I plan to supervise the process personally, and will take great pleasure in watching their faces turn white when I step through the doors._

_The two aides assigned to me have impressed me so far, fortunately for them. I was surprised to see young Shikamaru, as I was under the impression he worked in IT, but he informed me that his university degree was in biochemistry and that he was actually the top graduating student of his whole year (beating Sasuke-kun to the ultimate prize – he never told me that.) When I asked, young Shikamaru informed me that he has been languishing in the basement for years because, and I quote, he "just liked computers."_

_Astonishing. Simply astonishing._

_Shiho, my other young charge, is quite evidently fresh from university, as she is still a little tentative and unsure of her ability and I have lost my patience with her a few times already this morning. On the upside, to compensate for her lack of intuition and experience, she is very bright and is quiet and obedient – traits I prize most highly in my lab assistants. I would hire them both, but I think between Kabuto and myself, they would be ruined by the end of their first month. Tsunade is a hard task-master, but she is nothing compared to me._

_Oh..._

_One moment. I seem to have amassed seven missed calls: one from the Pincher in the Night, and... six from Itachi? How curious. Whatever could he want, I wonder?_

January 10th

4:03pm

In hospital.

Car crash. Very snowy but not driving fast. Ayame clipped the back of the Subaru. Spun off the road and hit a tree. I was on the tree side.

Everything hurts. I have a needle sticking in my arm. Morphine, probably. I'm wearing a mystery gown and not sure how it got there. There is a cast on the bottom half of my right leg and right shoulder is in a sling. I have dressings in really weird places and I can see bruises. Big, scary bruises. Purple and red. Not like the boss's bruises. Is this Karma? Hope not because it hurts.

A machine next to me is beeping, so I must be on a monitor. Maybe I shouldn't be using my iphone? Don't even know why it's here. Someone must've been using it. Won't for much longer because it hurts to type. Keep having to close my eyes and take a break every sentence.

In a room on my own, but I asked and Naruto and Sakura are not badly hurt. Ayame is crying but I told Sakura's mum to tell her it's okay and that I'm not dead or anything. Sakura's mum is a nurse and she works here so she's allowed to be in with me. No one else is, but I know Jiraiya and Itachi are here. Heard their voices outside. I don't know where the boss is. I miss him. I want to see him. Thought I heard his voice earlier on. Really early on, when I was still in the car and hadn't passed out yet.

My leg was trapped and firemen were trying to cut me out. They were trying to talk to me too but I couldn't understand what they were saying. Then I heard someone shouting my name over and over and I knew it was the boss. He sounded upset. The firemen must have let him through because the next minute he was there. I had an oxygen mask on and it was all steamy, but I could sort of see him. It was nice him being there so I let him take my hand even though I probably squeezed it too hard because I was in a lot of pain. He tried to talk to me too, but couldn't really understand him either. Felt a bit woozy and I blacked out. Don't remember anything else till now.

Wish someone would turn the beepy machine off. It's driving me crazy.

Damn, my head hurts...

And... ohhh holy shit, I'm not moving again after this. Ow.

Where is he? Maybe I should tell Sakura's mum to tell him I'm not dead. And if she has time, she can tell Itachi too but he probably knows already.

I swear, if the boss thinks this is a scheme to get out of our appointment, I am going to smack him. Oh, wait... Jiraiya has peeked in the door. I'll ask him where the boss is.

LATER:

It is not January 10th. It is the 13th. I have been unconscious for three days and almost died of an epidural haematoma. A big, ugly strip has been shaved from my hair. At my request, the boss brought through a mirror and held it up for me. I cried. I look awful. He said I was being silly and it didn't matter one bit what I looked like. He was a bit snappy when he said it, but I don't think he meant it. He has been here for three days sleeping on a pull-out cot bed next to mine, so he's probably a bit tired. I suppose he's just glad I'm still here. I'm glad I'm still here. My hair will grow back.

Jiraiya said I flat-lined while they were operating on me and the boss freaked out and ran off. They managed to bring me round again and Itachi was sent to tell him. He found him outside in the snow, lying on a bench, staring into space. When Itachi told him I wasn't quite done yet, he ran back up to theatre and has been here ever since, apparently – except for when he is forced to take meals, which must have been when I woke up the first time.

He came up straight away when Jiraiya went downstairs to let him know I was awake. It was funny. As soon as he saw me with my eyes open his face twisted for a second and he came over and took my hand. I said I was sorry for not telling him where I was going but he waved it away and kissed the back of my hand and pressed it to his cheek. He stayed like that for ages and kept murmuring my name to himself until Sakura's mum came in and asked me how I was feeling and he retreated to his cot bed and sat and chewed his fingernails and stared at me. He is a bit better now and has been chatting away to me, though he keeps mentioning Ayame. I am not sure but I can sense that he has not been very nice to her. I know it was her fault we crashed, but I hope he's not made her feel too guilty. He already knows I don't want to press charges.

Oh...

Shit. Sakura's mum has busted me. She doesn't look very happy. I've to turn my phone off.

I'll write later. And I mean that this time.

I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

Certainly not with my stitched and shaven head. Wouldn't be caught dead.

* * *

AN: Poor, injured, shaven Sasuke. He looks weird in my mind without his hair. _[Edit: changed this in retrospect. He looks too weird without his hair. I cannot actually imagine it.]_ Manga Sasuke, in contrast, is very much in possession of a full head of dark, Uchihan locks, but seems to have lost his mind instead. He definitely no longer lacks hatred. Oh, and I totally love the Cloud ninjas - especially the one who's always apologising for the Raikage breaking doors. Darui? Lawl, Kishi, and your running door joke gag. It tickles me.

But you know what else tickles me? Reviews! :D

**NayanRoo** (I totally agree with you. The manga is becoming like a circus - and I actually kind of like it. The 'Gutsy Ninja Arc' really bored me, mainly because Pain never appealed to me as a villain, and the Madara-Danzou-Kabuto unholy trinity of bastards plus all the RAIKAGE SMASH antics are just fantastic. I also agree with you on Itachi's characterisation. While he is a good person at heart, he is most definitely willing to go to extremes for something he truly believes in. In a way, that's what has always made his manner seem unsettling to me: this impassive veneer masking this swirling maelstrom of emotions that drive him to commit truly horrific acts of twisted compassion. Damn, I love Itachi. And you're not to kill him off in Shadowplay. Or I'll pout. And btw, if you kill off Oro, I really will cry. Like a baby. Waaaaaah!)

**SimplyDeep01** (Shit-stacks is my personal favourite phrase to describe portaloos. Learned it at a music festival from a random and it had me rolling. XD)

**yumechan3** (Yes, the poor boy was rather out of it. He was under quite a lot of pressure that day. And I think you might be right about the style-morphing in the last chapter. You see, I have this annoying tendency to absorb other people's styles when I'm in the middle of reading a book. When I wrote forty-one, I was on Naomi Novik's _Temeraire_ series, and that definitely inspired the sudden proliferation of colons and semi colons. XD)

**Austeria** (Now that I think about it, the Kimi 'exit stage left' imagery was quite sad, actually. See, even when I _know_ I'm writing comedy - know I should be writing comedy - when I see an opportunity for angst, I just lunge at it, grab it and think: "I'm gonna fucking _nail_ this bastard and make them weep hot, salty tears of agony." It's nice to know when I've done a good job. XD But in all seriousness, Kimi has been the most wonderful antagonist, so I think he deserved his beautiful sendoff. :) And yeah, your portrayal of Nagato's past was freakishly accurate. All you needed was a cute puppy called Tiny.)

**Dooki** (Yeah, a few people saw the gun thing coming. I hoped you would, since it really is the Chekov's Gun situation in all its glory: "If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there." - Anton Chekov. Although in this case, it was Itachi's gun. And he had it pointed at Oro. And yes, I do have another Naruto writing project all lined up to go after this one finishes. I might start it before I finish this one, because if I'm left with nothing to do when I post the epilogue of this, then I think I might actually cry. XD But I can tell you that it's going to be called 'Gods.' And Oro and Sauce will be main characters.)

**LadyRouge214** (Something is definitely going on with Itachi. A couple of things, actually. I leave you to speculate. :D)

**hieilover135** (Hmmm... what is Madara doing to him? I couldn't possibly comment, though it really is affecting Itachi and has affected his life for a very long time. Not that that tells you much. And someone did draw something for me from the last chapter! :D That was uncannily prescient of you.)

**pompomwoop** (First off, I love that screen name. It makes me happy for some reason. And second, yeah, the drama does tend to centre around Orochimaru. XD I remember I had Sasuke say early on that trouble was attracted to him like tornadoes to trailer parks, but he forgets that his life was pretty quiet before he met Oro...)

**miaceves** (Oh I do so love that you've noticed that Oro really does care about Sasuke. Underneath all the mad strops, the paranoia, the spoiled brat behaviour and jealous rages, yes he does care about his Sauce. I think he knows that he does, but doesn't really know how to deal with it, and chalks it up to pure sexual attraction and Sasuke being manipulative. Hence all the recent conflict.)

**Roxanne Morinaka** (Itachi really is a poor baby at the moment. He is under quite a lot of stress. As to whether he will find resolution - I couldn't possibly comment. And I have never seen Vixen. Should I see it? I am wary of this...)

**YoungSasuke** (You know what? I was wrestling with myself whether to keep that boob crash scene in, but I thought, "Fuck it, man. I need one boob joke. Has to be done." But as for the serious stuff... yeah, last chapter was pretty monumental as regards Itachi. The Kimi storyline has come to a close, and now I am focussing my attentions on Sauce's poor, stressed brother, and as usual, your comments are startlingly perceptive. That they possess this double-edged bond and that they are the cornerstones in each other's lives is very true, and that if something were to occur that would break this bond and render cracks in those cornerstones, Sasuke would be truly devastated. Hmmm... interesting. XD)

**Nozomi-sama** (Oh the end of that last chapter with the forgot the cat line. Totally came out of the blue. Like, literally a few seconds before I posted it, and I thought, "GOLD! MUST PUT IN! ADSLKJALKDJ!" So it went in. And I laughed at it. XD As for Itachi... I'm glad you're wondering about him. The Kimi storyline has come to an end, and now I'm focusing all my attentions on Itachi. There are a few things going on with him at the moment, actually. I have foreshadowed one of the mysteries, but no one has got it yet. There was a clue in the last chapter, but it was almost a throwaway scenery description, so... lol. I think I've kept it well under-wraps.)

**Iraoftheseven** (Yay! A new reviewer! Thanks for taking the time to do the whole review thing. This fic is loooong now, so it really is much appreciated. :) And yes, Oro really was quite terrifying in that chapter. I think I may have went a little overboard there and let my other 'horror one-shot writer' side escape and run rampant. Oops. XD And you really hit the nail on the head with the 'you can only have me' comment. It was _exactly_ one of those moments, which is probably what made it so scary.)

**Bri** (I have definitely been reading the manga! It's quite exciting right now, in a I-have-no-clue-what's-going-to-go-down-but-I-like-in sort of way. XD And the whole 'yeah, okay let's pick Danzou' scene made me lol. The Daimyo is a total idiot - just like some real world politicians. Whoa, Kishi's shounen is now political commentary? Since when? But as for the whole Itachi/Madara situation... yes. The poor boy has quite a lot going on at the moment and is stressed out of his mind but can't tell anyone. His evil relative is holding something over his head, you see, but I can't say anymore. Hope you liked this chapter! :))

**X3Hayden** (Ha! Your L comment made me lol! XD And it was quite appropriate too, since L obviously stands for lol. Thank you, though, and I'm glad you like it! :D)

**Gerkyhen** (This is your favourite fanfic on the whole site? I blush furiously. And thanks for sticking around for the long haul. Makes all the effort I put into this thing worth it, you know? :D)

**AriesRaccoonRebi** (Hey there! Nice to see you again. Glad to hear you had a good time in London, but I just have to say a bit WHOA that you saw Prince William. Ten feet from royalty? That's a record for me, lol, and I live in the UK!)

**Insomniac Owl** (Hey, no bother about the dedication. You can have another one when you graduate from Berkeley with flying colours. ;) As for the Itachi situation, do not worry about him having a mini-breakdown. It was most definitely there for a reason. A few reasons, actually. The poor boy was under quite a lot of pressure that day - from more than just Oro, but him getting back together with his little brother was the thing that pushed him over the edge. At any rate, now that Kimi's story is finished, I'm focusing all my attentions on Itachi. He is the last matter to be resolved. Damn, I wish I could tell people! XD)

**Beqs** (Ahhh, I see. It all makes sense now. I think a lot of people were thanking me for not ruining their relationship for ever. XD Hope you liked this chapter!)

**serasera** (I think I'm quite lucky here to have found such a nice new reader and reviewer. :) Your name has popped up on a couple of my one-shots too, and I'd just like to say thanks so much for leaving a few reviews here and there. It makes the effort I put into these things worth it, you know? See, I love it when I get random reviews for older chapters, because you guys bring up some lines that had me rolling when I was writing them. That 'Long Pube' scene? Seriously, I almost died writing that one. Sasuke is just the best little humour mill ever. He takes himself so seriously!)

**Lavi Lane** (Another new reader and reviewer? This is gooooood. Makes me squee! :D Thanks so much for taking the time, though. It really is much appreciated. :) And yes, the story has kind of changed its tone towards the end, lol. I guess the stakes between Oro and Sauce were raised, their relationship meant more to them, and the seriousness factor had to be upped.)

**Chann** (Y hay thar, Chann! :D Thanks for the uni work good luck message. I think I'll need it. I swear I'm spending too much time writing fanfic and I'm going to fail my PhD because of it (but it's more fun and I just cannot stop! D:) As for last chapter being a conclusion of sorts... yeah, it kind of was, at least for Kimimaro's story, as well as the major relationship camel humps Oro and Sauce have experienced. After this chapter, they're pretty solid, so the only thing left to focus now is on the Itachi-Madara situation. Oh, poor, poor Itachi...)

**Cyaniona** (Hey, don't apologise about the length! I absolutely loved reading through it all! :D Sorry to hear you were a bit stressed and muddled for the past few months, and I'm glad you're back and firing on all cylinders again. :) It was quite interesting to read your review, actually; most especially to see your reactions to each of the chapters, as you had the luxury of reading through quite a few in one sitting and could see events developing without the annoying month-long break in between, lol. I was pleased you caught on with Oro acting strange in chapter 37 - that chapter was one of those very-important-but-filler-in-disguise chapters. In fact, now that I think about it, I foreshadowed so much in that chapter, seriously. XD And you are right about Oro loving Sasuke. He does, very much, and I think he is beginning to be aware of it, but is not sure how to deal with it. The sooner he accepts it, the more mentally stable he will be. Thanks again for the reviews - and stay unstressed!)

**Atsui-Danna** (Lol, you have even convinced your friends to read it? That is quite amazing, actually! Obviously, as the author, I applaud your pushyness, and have hereby appointed you my official Marketing guru for ADitL, because you're obviously quite good at convincing people. Send my thanks to your friend Dei and everyone else you've made read this. :D)

**For Whom** (You imagined almost that exact scene in your head? That is quite freaky, lol. Either I did a good job characterising Itachi and foreshadowing his little mental breakdown, or you are psychic. I'll go with the latter. XD But you know, I would absolutely love, love, love to write a chapter in Itachi's pov like the one with Kimi, but his head will remain mysterious until the end of the fic, which isn't too long now, actually - a couple more chapters. I think I'll write a one-shot for him, probably set on that morning after Christmas, because that was quite the day for him.)

**ShallowMind** (Hey there! I got your friend request on LJ and I added you. Hope you don't find my entries too long and boring, lol. And I have a co-owner position open on the OroSasu FC? I had no idea! I'll get over there and post. I keep forgetting to check the FC section when I'm on NarutoForums, which is just stupid, since I check every week for spoilers and I'm always lurking in the Library. I really should add the OroSasu thread to my subscriptions, or something. And where is this AU OroSasu? It intrigues me! Link?)

**chibibaka1** (No worries! It was a pleasure beta-reading your DBZ fic - some of that imagery was really quite beautiful. You're a good writer. :) As for Sasuke's modesty at being picked for the Forbes list, yeah, I think it is a character trait he does sort of possess. Remember early on in the manga he would get really surly when Sakura thanked him for saving her and he said, "It was Naruto?" Sasuke seems to get mad when someone heaps praise on him he feels he does not deserve, which is actually one of his more positive character traits, imo. In the Forbes case, I think it was a mix of that and genuine modest because even though he felt he didn't deserve it, he was secretly flattered.)

**Chromde** (Wow, you had another fifty or so chapters of fanfic to catch up on? You are a proper, hardcore fanfic reader and reviewer - and I salute you! :D Did you ever catch up, or are you still wading through the ocean of backlog, lol? But oh, I am so glad you liked the "Righteousness Radar" line. That one seriously had me rolling. XD And as you probably guessed, I was so looking forward to writing that Akatsuki Christmas. They're just such a bunch of mad bastards and it's great fun writing them. I'm glad you liked the Forbes thing, and your comment on it being a little window into the wider world really made me smile, because one of my favourite all-time fics on this site was one where the main character occasionally read the paper. This shed a little light on the activities of the Big Bad villian, who was not immediately present at the time, but it created this sense of omnipresence instead that really upped the impact when the Big Bad finally made his appearance. So yes, I like stuff like that too. XD)

**Violet203** (Hello again! I know, I know, the chapter lengths are getting ridiculous. I don't know whether I should shorten them and update more regularly, or keep the word-count and longer update waits as they are. Quite a few people expected the gun when Itachi stormed off, and I was proud of those who saw the gun coming, because as I said to Dooki earlier, it was the Chekov's Gun situation, which dictates that if the author makes a point of showing somthing, that something must absolutely have a point, or there was no reason to show it in the first place. :D Glad you liked the chapter, though, and I hope you liked this one!)


	43. Chapter 43

A Day in the Life

* * *

AN: For Insomniac Owl. Late, but better than never, right? I hope it's not totally shit. I'm still getting back into it.

* * *

LATER:  
7:20pm

For a moment, I was going to make the following stunningly obvious statement: that I am still in hospital. It was so stunningly obvious, however, that I stunned myself with my stupidity and therefore felt the need to punish myself by recording it. Of course I am still in hospital. I almost died of an epidural haematoma. I have a broken ankle, head-staples and severe, painful bruising. It's fair to say I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. Well, not for a few days yet.

The first words that came out of my mouth when I saw Dr Tenma (that's the guy who operated on me) were, "When can I go home?" He laughed and said, "Patience, Uchiha-san."

But as you know, patience is not really my strong point, so I kept pushing him until he gave me some numbers. About three to seven days is the average, apparently, but he thinks that I might come in at the later end of the release scale, considering the severity of my injuries. And that's fine. Now that I have my laptop – courtesy of Itachi, who kindly dropped it off a few hours ago – I can handle a week-long stay in hospital without any bother at all. In fact, I'm damned glad I have the laptop, otherwise – to hell with the head trauma – I'd have died of boredom by now. Absolutely died.

It kind of hurts to type with the drip in, but I'm starting to build my tolerance. No pain, no gain. Of course, I'm not allowed to use the net, but I'm working on it. Sakura's mum is the main obstacle, but my master plan of wearing her down over the course of a few days with incessant whining and nagging is sure to be a winner.

After all, she didn't kick up a fuss when Itachi brought me my laptop – all I had to do was promise I wouldn't turn on my wi-fi, and that I would only be using it for word-processing. In a heartbeat, I said yes. It is so much easier to write entries with a full keyboard, rather than fooling around with the tiny, touch screen buttons on my iphone (which I have been banned from using until the doctors say so, by the way – no 'best friend's mother style favours' on that front.)

My brother, of course, turned up not long after the boss when the news that I had finally woken up went round the hospital like wildfire. Leaving me with a kiss on the forehead, the boss had gone to find Dr Tenma to let him know I was _compos mentis_, and I was left chatting to Sakura's mum.

I say chatting; it was more a series of negotiations regarding the use of my iphone – and when I was in the middle of requesting, with more than a hint of whine that I could always turn on airplane mode, which was met with a very mumish "No, Sasuke. Now, don't ask again," I saw, out of the corner of my eye, my brother standing at the door, leaning on the frame with his arms folded. I hadn't laid eyes on him since the awful incident at Christmas, and my insides did a nervous, little flip. He was wearing a black waterproof jacket, beaded with raindrops, black lounge pants and trainers, and he had a large backpack slung over one shoulder. He was smiling. My heart squeezed.

Sakura's mum must've noticed my surprise (and the sudden cessation of my whining), for she turned round, clocked my brother, and said, "Oh hello there, Itachi. Nice to see you again." This before adding, in a typically casual nurse-like manner of showing where the power lay, "Visiting hours are over, you know... but I'll let it slide this time."

She winked at my brother, and he inclined his head gratefully.

"Thank you, Haruno-san," he said. "I appreciate that it is late in the day."

"Not for me," she snorted – her expression reminding me strongly of Sakura in that moment. "I'm on double-shifts this week. Aren't you lucky?"

"I suppose so," Itachi said, smiling. "Though perhaps you aren't?"

"Yes and no, Itachi," she replied, picking up the empty sweet-wrappers from the boss's camp bed. "I'd rather not be working, and to be perfectly honest, it wasn't the best feeling in the world when Keiyo came running down to the break room saying that my daughter had been brought in from a car wreck in the back of an ambulance..." She sighed, and straightened up, leaning over to deposit the sweet-wrappers in the little bin next to the sink. "But it _is_ nice to be able to take care of her – and Naruto and Sasuke too. I know all my girls on the ward would do their best for them, but if I were sitting at home, I'd just worry myself sick."

She paused for a moment to look at her watch, then added with a wry smile, "And it seems it's time to get a bed ready for that nutter that's just come in. Was cutting himself in the Public Park in front of children this afternoon!" She shook her head. "Causing the doctors all sorts of bother all day and now they want to keep him in for testing and there're no beds left in psychatric. Honestly! I keep telling them it's ICU, not Fun Fun Street."

"Well!" Sakura's mum said briskly, clapping her hands. "I'd best get on. I'll leave you two to it, shall I?"

"O-Okay..." I said, my voice faltering a little, as Itachi had caught my eye and he was smiling at me – smiling like I remember him when we were kids and he'd come home from university and make me dinner and he'd sit across the table and listen to me going on and on about all the stupid things that had happened at school that day. For a moment, he was my big brother from all those years ago: whom I took for granted a little bit, and who pissed me off with his perfectness, but who I loved more than anyone else in the world. I wasn't expecting it, so it threw me off guard and sort of got into my heart and made it hurt.

When Sakura's mum left, Itachi stood there for a moment, just watching me, his arms folded, smiling, until I could take it no longer and croaked out, "Itachi... what...?"

— and in a heartbeat, he had crossed the floor and I was wrapped in a tight hug.

Itachi didn't say anything. He never does when these sorts of things happen. It seemed he just wanted to hug me. Again, this was completely unexpected, and I went through a rather distressing time trying to retain my dignity whilst snivelling into the shoulder of my brother's wet jacket.

"Itachi, your jacket's all wet!" I protested, my vision clouding with tears as I weakly tried to push him away. "Itachi, seriously, you're soaking me! It's not funny, get off! Itachi, fucking hell, my bruises!"

That last one did it, and I felt him pull away, his hands sliding onto my shoulders and lingering there as he regarded me with a more solemn expression, more normal for Itachi. I felt a bit better then, and was able to compose myself, wiping my face with the back of my hand (the one that didn't have the IV drip in. It tugs. I hate it. I want it to fuck off and die.) Itachi took a moment to search my face, as though making sure that everything he remembered about me was still there. Everything must've been to his liking, as he smiled again and said, "Sasuke... how are you feeling?"

"Awesome," I snapped, sarcasm dripping from every syllable as I wiped the last of the tears from my eyes. "My head hurts like hell, my scalp has been stapled closed and I have a huge fucking chunk missing from my hair. I have multiple, purple bruises that throb more than anything that has ever throbbed before, I have a goddamned needle stuck in my arm that likes to tug whenever I breathe, and I'm wearing a hideously unflattering hospital nightgown that is rough and has been rubbing my nipples raw. Yeah, Itachi. I feel great!"

My brother gave me a funny look, a mixture of exasperation and amusement. Then he shook his head, saying, "You are already back to your normal, abrasive self, I see. I am not entirely sure whether that is a good thing..."

"Oh my god, Itachi, you'd better be joking," I threatened, fixing him with a baleful glare. "And look who's talking, with you coming over and hugging me and being all weird."

"Sasuke, I am your big brother, and I have been sorely, sorely worried about you for the past three days," Itachi admonished. "I am allowed to hug you, I am allowed to joke, and I am allowed to tell you off—"

"Here we go," I muttered.

"Yes, Sasuke – and you will listen to me," he insisted, as I turned moodily to stare out the window at the snow that was still falling outside. "Now, I remember vividly coming to this hospital the day you were born. It was July, the sun was shining, and I had had a nice day at school, and I was walking home with Shisui and we both had ice-cream cones. I remember having barely knocked on the door, when father rushed out to greet me, grinning from ear to ear. He said, "Quick, Itachi! Your mother is in hospital. Do you want to go meet your baby brother?"

"I was bundled into the car, not even changed out of my uniform, and we sped over to the hospital. We made it just in time for your birth. Father was there at mother's bedside, holding her hand, or whatever it is fathers do when their children are being born. I, however, was too young, and was told to wait outside.

"To be honest, Sasuke, I was not entirely sure that I wanted to meet you at first. I was ambivalent on the prospect of you coming into my life, because I had been told by other classmates at school who had younger siblings that our parents would ignore me once you were born and would lavish attention upon you instead. I did not particularly want that to happen, so when father came out to fetch me, I was prepared to resent you.

"When I saw you, however, lying there in mother's arms, a little tuft of black hair poking out from a white blanket and little fists beating the air as you screamed for something you could not yet articulate... you seemed so tiny and funny and helpless that I knew you could never be a threat to me, would never want to be – and when father nudged me forward and told me to say hello to you, I wandered across to mother and was allowed to get up onto the bed beside her and hold you. As soon as mother placed you into my arms... it was very strange, Sasuke... but you looked up at me and you stopped crying for a moment and I smiled at you and you smiled back."

"Are you sure I smiled?" I said innocently. "Because I'm pretty sure babies don't actually smile until they're at least a few weeks old. The nurse told me that when Kylie was born. I was probably farting on you."

"Sasuke..." my brother scolded, his face twisting momentarily with disgust.

"What! I couldn't help it. I was just a baby. You should be proud to have borne witness to my first fart!"

Itachi cast me a withering look, ignored my deliberate attempt to wind him up, and followed all this by saying something extraordinary in his deadpan, matter-of-fact tone that made me love my big brother more than I ever have in my life.

"At any rate," he said, "I came here to say hello to you, Sasuke, all those years ago. I never thought I would have to return to say goodbye. You are my little brother. The thought of losing you – the only real family I have left – is... well, I can only say that when Orochimaru came flying out of the operating theatre in a state, believing you were lost to him... I could not accept it. Would not accept it. Not my little brother. Not Sasuke."

Itachi turned to me and smiled, and it was all I could do not to burst into tears. My lip was trembling and – I am ashamed to say it – there was a little bit of snot glistening on my upper lip.

"But I could not do anything about it. No one could do anything about it. So I sat, and I waited. But I did not give up hope – not once – and when the message arrived from Dr Tenma to say that you were not quite gone yet... I was certain that you would pull through.

"And here you are," he added. "Sitting up in bed and tormenting me with talk of... _emissions_ and worrying incessantly about your hair."

"I'm sorry," I said quietly.

"Do not apologise, Sasuke—" Itachi began, pausing a moment when the boss strode into the room, took one look at my brother and studiously ignored him, flopping down in his camp bed and immersing himself in a puzzle book he had obviously brought back from a journey to the shop. "It is not your fault. Just don't do it again, do you understand me?"

"Don't do what? Talk about farts or accidentally die?"

"Neither."

"Okay," I said, laughing a little. "I'll try not to."

"Good."

"But I am sorry - for farting on you when I was born, I mean," I said, and the pages of the boss's puzzle book twitched aside to reveal his rather comical expression of appalled curiosity.

"_What?"_ he mouthed, but I winked at him, indicating I would tell him later – and then I winced, because my wink muscles tugged at my head-staples. [Note to self: no winking.]

Itachi just sighed in a put-upon manner and reached for his backpack that he had left lying at the side of the bed. As he unzipped it, he called out, "I really don't think you deserve this, Sasuke—"

"OH MY GOD, ITACHI, MY LAPTOP! GIMME, GIMME, GIMME!" I squealed, reaching for it with joyous abandon.

Shaking his head amusedly, Itachi handed it over, and I swear to you I was so happy I actually held it to my chest for a moment and gently rocked it. Please don't judge me on this. Laptops are excellent things, and mine is definitely my favourite material possession. Obviously, Mallory doesn't count, since my adorable fluffy one is sentient and everyone knows cats don't really belong to anyone anyway.

"Now you must listen to me, Sasuke..." Itachi began, but I was still enjoying my laptop. "Sasuke, are you listening—? Would you stop hugging your laptop? Thank you. Now, the only reason you have permission to use your laptop is because I made a promise on your behalf..."

"What's that?" I asked, slightly wary, thinking of awful 'computer time' style compromises in which I would only be allowed on for an hour or so. In the end, it wasn't so bad.

"The promise I made was that you will switch off your wi-fi until Dr Tenma gives you permission to turn it back on again," Itachi answered. "There is equipment in here that may be interfered with by the signals from your laptop."

"Yeah, yeah, that's cool," I said, having already opened up my beloved computer and switched it on. "I don't mind not being able to go on the net, just as long as I can write in my—"

I paused briefly, because a horrible thought had chosen that moment to invade my brain and had triggered its sensitive paranoia alarm. Beside me, my brother tilted his head curiously to one side and said, "As long as you can what, Sasuke?"

"You didn't read anything on this thing, did you?" I asked him, eyeing my brother suspiciously.

"No, Sasuke," he answered honestly. "I have not even turned it on."

Then the boss's voice called out from the camp bed, "Sasuke-kun, you do not need to worry your pretty head about a thing. Your brother clearly doesn't have the faintest clue about your diary."

"Diary...?" Itachi said slowly, the realisation dawning that he had missed an absolutely _golden_ opportunity to read and know every excruciating detail of my life over the past three years or so. As you well know by now, my big brother is extremely over-protective. He definitely would've read it – and then likely passed off the horrendous invasion of privacy as making sure I wasn't getting up to any mischief.

"Yes. Really," I said, smugly. "And there's no way in hell you're getting your hands on it now. Besides," I added, "the folder it's in is password protected."

"Unfortunately true..." the boss said, laconically, as he wrote down another answer in his crossword.

"Well, I do not particularly wish to read your diary," my brother lied (and he was totally lying when he said that.) "All I want to know is that you will not turn on your wi-fi, and that when I find Dr Tenma, I can assure him that you agreed to his conditions."

"Itachi, I solemnly swear I will not turn on my wi-fi," I said, with as much mock insincerity as I could muster. (I am a complex individual, you see, for not only can I perform textbook examples of mock sincerity – even after brain surgery – I can also undertake stunning displays of mock _insincerity_. On the surface, these two acts of sarcasm appear similar, but in reality mean very different things. It is very important to be able to distinguish between the two, otherwise arguments and fall-outs may swiftly follow.)

"Excellent," Itachi said, his mind already elsewhere as soon as I had uttered my promise. He stood up and looked as though he was going to leave, and I had a brief moment of angst, because I did not want him to.

"Itachi, are you going already?" I said, trying to keep the disappointment from colouring my tone and failing miserably.

"_Oh no, don't go..."_ the boss called out from behind his puzzle book, his tone flat, colourless and chock-full to the brim with sublime indifference. I glared at him, but he never noticed.

"I am only going to find Dr Tenma, Sasuke," Itachi replied. "Do not worry."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"You won't get a call from work and be forced to fly out to god knows where at short notice and work for forty-eight hours with no breaks?"

"Highly unlikely, Sasuke."

"Oh. Right..."

I couldn't help but feel a warm rush of happiness then – even though I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up.

"So... how long are you staying?" I asked tentatively.

"As long as you like, Sasuke," my brother said, with a small smile, and after a pause, adding, "in fact, here..." He took off his black jacket, still beaded with melted snowflake droplets and hung it on the coat-stand in the corner. "You may hold my jacket to ransom, if you like – in trust that I shall return."

"Fine then," I said, grinning. "I'll hold you to that. If you don't come back, I'll find a scalpel, and it's curtains."

"What if I call you and pretend to be Madara?" the boss chipped in from the camp-bed, flipping a page of his book with studied nonchalance.

"Would you shut up?" I snapped, annoyed that I had just woken up and the boss was starting already and that my reunion with my brother – delayed because of the car-wreck – would be ruined because of it.

But Itachi surprised me by not only tolerating the boss's jibes, but by also being civil.

"I would know it was you without a doubt, Orochimaru," Itachi replied pleasantly, "for you are absolutely awful at impressions. Now, I am going down to the shop. Is there anything either of you need?"

As I sat there, propped up on my pillows and gaping in absolute astonishment, the boss peered over his book at Itachi. His expression was slightly wary, and when he spoke, it was as though he were testing the water, to see if Itachi would acquiesce.

"Another biro, because I'm having to carve my answers into the page with this one and it will not do," he said.

"Very well—"

"Have you brought your car?"

"I have."

"Then I would like a large cup of tea please. Green tea. Preferably from Starbucks. There is one open twenty-four hours next to the modern art gallery."

"That's perfectly fine. I feel like a coffee myself. Would you like anything Sasuke?"

"Fluids only. And that means water," the boss interjected haughtily, pointing at the white-board above my bed.

"I feel kind of sick," I said truthfully. "Like, if I drank anything, I'd throw up everywhere. Maybe later?"

Itachi nodded. "Very well. I will be back shortly."

"Remember... I have your jacket," I said waving a finger in warning.

Itachi smiled, shouldered his backpack and walked off out into the corridor.

"What the hell is the matter with your brother?" the boss asked incredulously, watching Itachi walk past the window with an expression that said he expected him to turn round at any moment and say, "Actually, I was only kidding about Starbucks. I'm here to stamp you to death!"

"I really don't know," I said, thoughtfully. "Maybe he's just... glad I'm not dead? And he's nice to you because he's glad I'm not dead?"

The boss turned the concept over in his mind and shrugged. I could tell he was not entirely satisfied with it.

"Maybe, maybe not," he said. "Either way, it is entirely unlike him. "

"Not _entirely_ unlike him," I corrected. "He used to be nice sometimes before he started working for Akatsuki. Before he met you!" I added, with a grin.

"Are you trying to suggest, Sasuke-kun, that I was the one who turned your brother into a soulless automaton?"

"Well… he was always a bit Terminator-like," I conceded, "but… he wasn't soulless. At all. He never has been. He's just a bit... repressed. But not really because he's sort of like that anyway? It's hard to explain. And my head hurts, so I don't want to," I added morosely, the accompanying pout slipping out before I could stop it.

"Do you need more painkillers?" the boss asked, sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of the camp bed, vacating it in favour of the chair next to my bed. "You have a morphine drip."

He took my hand and I gave it a squeeze.

"Meh, I think I'll be okay just now," I said, a small smile forming despite the headache. "I'd rather be lucid. I'll wait and abuse it later."

"Very well," the boss said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and giving me a peck on the cheek. I moaned about it and pushed him away because it hurt my bruises, but I secretly enjoyed it.

We ended up having a weird conversation about how wonderful opiates are and the boss told me that they have been used for medicinal, religious and recreational purposes for thousands of years, though for a long time their use was restricted to the priesthood. It was interesting – a typically boss-like conversation – and I was so absorbed, I didn't even need the morphine in the end – I just sort of forgot about the pain. It was nice. We were just talking, chatting, like we always do, and for a second I even managed to forget about the car accident.

He was in the middle of a flow, telling me about the ubiquitous (and perfectly legal!) opium dens that used to clutter the side streets of downtown Otogakure around two-hundred years ago, when I felt an odd little flutter of affection and took his hand. It was like I'd shaken him awake or something, because he stopped talking and started staring as if he'd only just noticed me.

"Umm... opium dens?" I ventured, when the long pause had long since crossed the border into awkward territory.

Instead of being normal and carrying on the conversation, the boss sighed and sort of slid off the chair onto his knees beside my bed and buried his head in my blankets.

"Sasuke..." he said quietly, "my Sasuke-kun..."

"Umm... yeah," I said, a little freaked-out. "That's me. Sasuke. My name's on the board above the bed, haha."

"I thought I'd lost you."

A pang of guilt led me to smile and stroke the ends of his hair I could reach.

"Hey, look. Don't be stupid, okay?" I said briskly. "I'm here, I'm not dead and I'm talking to you, my brain appears to be functioning and everything's—"

I broke off for a moment, to make sure the boss was doing what I thought he was doing. This confirmed, I then added, "Are you sniffing me?"

The boss's muffled reply came after a long moment.

"... maybe."

"Oh," I said, lamely. Then I had a thought.

"What do I smell like? Is it bad?" I asked, honestly wanting to know because I obviously hadn't been able to wash in days. Even though this was clearly not my fault, the prospect of any nurses tending to me having caught stinky whiffs of coma-induced B.O. is deeply embarrassing.

The boss took another long, slow sniff before announcing his verdict.

"It smells to me like an odd mixture of hospital and locker-room. Not particularly pleasant," he said, looking up and grinning at me, "but I will take what I can get at the moment."

Something at the back of my mind told me that the boss had probably needed that grin. Therefore, even though my staples tugged and made my head hurt, I adopted a tone of mock outrage and demanded, "So, what, I've been unconscious for three days and you haven't even taken the opportunity to naked sponge-bath me? What is _wrong_ with you? Get that sponge out and start scrubbing!"

Almost instantly, the boss dissolved into a fit of laughter. I felt a welcome rush of relief. I remembered what Jiraiya had told me about what the boss had done when he thought I'd died and I felt horrible – like, I had done that to him. But when I heard him laughing his filthy, cackling laugh, I knew then that he had probably forgiven me, that he would be okay, and that if I was okay, then everything else would be too.

That's why, when he finally stopped laughing and cupped my face in his hands and leaned forward to kiss me, I did my best to kiss him back. To be frank, it won't go down as the best kiss I've ever given. A two out of ten, I'd say, and I'm being generous. My breath stank, I smelled like locker-room and hospital, and my lips were in serious need of a thick layer of heavy-duty chapstick. The boss seemed to notice, because he pulled away, and with a mischievous glint in his eye said, "You're not pulling your weight, Sasuke-kun."

"SPONNNNNNNGE!" I shouted in his face, trying my hardest to make it sound like a command but failing miserably because I trailed off into a giggling wreck at the end. This set the boss off again, and the two of us ended up howling with laughter for about five minutes over absolutely nothing.

"Sasuke-kun..." the boss eventually managed to choke out as he wiped the tears from his eyes, "you are an imbecile."

"A stinky imbecile, who needs a sponge-bath," I reminded. (I was not to be put off. I had my heart set on a sponge bath at that point and nothing was going to keep me from its warm, soapy, exfoliating goodness.)

"Very well, Sasuke-kun!" the boss conceded, throwing his hands in the air. "I shall fetch some warm water and a sponge. It may take longer to fetch the soap. Can you wait for soap, or will warm water suffice?"

"Warm water, warm water!" I whined impatiently. "I don't even care! Just scrub me!"

Amused and exasperated, the boss shook his head and stood up, dusting down his kimono. He headed for the door and just as he was about to leave he turned round and said, "I will be back soon, Sasuke." And then, smirking all over his big fat face – and get this – he added, "Don't go anywhere!" at which point he practically ran down the corridor, laughing his head off, impervious to my cries of outrage.

"Don't go anywhere." What a cheek! A few days ago he thought I was dead and now he's cracking jokes? Well, we'll see who's laughing when he comes back with that water and has to do my sponge bath! I'm going to demand extra thorough treatment of my armpits. And I have given them a sniff. Fetid doesn't even begin to describe the stench that has been festering under there.

I cannot wait.

LATER:

9:34pm

The sponge bath started out well, but Itachi decided to return when the boss was in the middle of scrubbing my thighs. This magically transformed what was an enjoyable sponge bath into the most awkward sponge bath I have ever had the misfortune to endure. Not that I've had any other sponge baths, granted, but to be honest, that was not a great start.

What made it even more awkward was that Itachi was still being nice to the boss. Instead of freaking out when he came through the door and was greeted with the image of his ex-colleague sponging down his brother's thighs, he merely smiled, said, "Excellent. I was hoping the responsibility for that particular task wouldn't fall to me," handed me a bag of Skittles, and installed himself on the winged armchair in the corner and started reading a newspaper.

The boss threw me a significant look and I shrugged my shoulders. I have no idea why Itachi is being nice, but to be honest, it is pretty damned refreshing and really he shouldn't be complaining. It is a whole lot better than guns in faces.

The double-whammy of awkwardness arrived in the form of Dr Tenma, who had followed Itachi along the corridor. As soon as he came in with his clipboard, he smiled at the boss (who at my request had jammed a biro down the cast on my ankle, trying to scratch a persistent itch) and started asking me doctor questions.

"Hello, Sasuke," he said. "I see you've woken up. How are you feeling?"

"Awkward," I replied. "My brother's watching me being sponged down. This has never happened to me before."

"What age are you? Can you remember?"

"Twenty-eight. _Ouch! Fucking hell, you just sponged a bruise!_"

"What year is it?"

"Umm... shit. 2010? No, wait, it's January, isn't it? I _always_ do that in January. Yeah, it's 2011. Unless Jiraiya was feeding me a load of bullshit earlier, and everyone had been cryogenically frozen for fifteen years, awaiting my return because they just couldn't live without me."

Dr Tenma laughed and jotted down a few notes on his clipboard. "I think that counts as a perfectly normal verbal response. Now, if you don't mind, Sasuke, I'm just going to do a few tests..."

I was poked, prodded and manoeuvred. I had light shone in my eyes, was told to touch my nose with my finger, then read off an eye chart, and had a tuning fork rammed into my ear. To be honest, my hearing isn't that great just now, but Dr Tenma said he's sure it will improve in time.

After that, Dr Tenma gave me the all clear and said that I seemed much better. My coma scale rating is now fifteen, which makes me officially un-coma-ed! Woo!

To celebrate, after Dr Tenma left, I made the boss do my stinky armpits. He rolled his eyes and protested, but he totally loved it.

While he was performing the glamorous task of washing my pits and navigating the electrode-filled, bruise-ridden minefield of my torso, he answered all of my burning questions, telling me, essentially, what had happened over the past three days while I'd been asleep.

"Honestly, the last thing I remembered before waking up here was being in the car with the firemen trying to cut me out – and you talking to me," I said, as the boss wrung out the sponge. "After that, it's completely blank. And how the hell did you even know what was going on? Usually significant others only get the call once you're at A&E."

"Your brother phoned me when I was in the lab," the boss answered. "A bit of a shock, I must confess. After that stupid girl Ayame managed to gather her wits long enough to phone for an ambulance, when she staggered over and heard Sakura-kun screaming in the back and saw you slumped against the window, she called your brother in a panic, and he in turn called me.

"The ambulance arrived in good time to take Naruto and Sakura away, but it became apparent that the lower half of your leg was stuck and you would have to be cut out. It took longer than I would have liked for them to extricate you from that godforsaken twisted lump of a car, and I must confess to having done a great deal of shouting, since your condition was very obviously deteriorating."

"Yeah," I said, recalling my hazy memories of the crash. "I remember feeling really sick, and then I just sort of blacked out. So what happened to Naruto and Sakura?"

"Sakura-kun, fortunately, was wearing the harness seatbelt and was sitting away from the tree. Bar a few bruises and a sore back, she was examined and discharged that very afternoon. Naruto-kun, however, sustained rather more serious injuries. Jiraiya informed me that Naruto-kun, upon impact, instinctively put his hand out on the steering wheel to stop himself, and earned a shattered wrist for his trouble, along with severe whiplash and a concussion."

I cringed. "Is he okay?"

"Well enough to have spat at my feet as he walked out of the hospital yesterday," the boss said wryly.

"He still hates you then?"

"Oh yes. He called me a... what was it again? Oh yes, he called me a 'shit-eating donkey dick licker' the other day. It was very amusing and quite creative, so I laughed. I'm not sure that was quite the reaction he was looking for."

Some things, it seemed, hadn't changed at all. I sighed.

"They were far more worried about you," he went on. "You remained unconscious during the trip to the hospital. Thankfully, before you blacked out in the car, you managed to inform me that you thought you'd hit your head, so I insisted you have a CT scan." The boss paused for a moment, smiled, and added, "I knew something was very wrong when you seemed to come to your senses and tried to climb off the bed, insisting that you were "Fine, fine, fine! Nothing's wrong with me! I want to go home," while the machine was in the middle of a cycle."

"Did I do that?" I asked, stunned.

The boss nodded. Itachi briefly decided to join in the conversation by confirming that, yes, I had tried to jump out of the CT scanner while it was in operation.

"I honestly don't remember doing that."

"Well, I'm rather glad you did, Sasuke-kun, because even before Dr Tenma had the opportunity to read the results of your scan, he knew what the likely outcome would be, so when the epidural haematoma was confirmed, a place in theatre was already waiting for you."

"Yeah, that didn't go so well at first, did it?"

"Not really," the boss replied, with a rueful smile. "Bull-headed as I am upon occasion, I insisted I be allowed to watch the operation from the gallery. I rather wished I hadn't now..."

"Sorry about that," I said sheepishly.

"Yes, it was rather awful and embarrassing, but I think I have just about forgiven you," the boss retorted with a thin smile.

"So what happened then? Did I just... not wake up from the anaesthetic, or something?"

"You fell into a coma. An decidedly unpleasant turn of events," the boss replied, in a tone of distaste.

"You mean I was a vegetable?"

"Not as bad as that. You were asleep most of the time – only really able to articulate moans and insensible mutterings, though you tossed and turned and did respond well to painful stimuli, which was a glimmer of hope."

"Gradually – quite quickly actually, though it felt like an age to me – you began to get better. You would open your eyes in response to my voice, and you would speak, though there was never anything like a conversation."

"Ha ha, what did I say?"

"Mostly curses and disarticulated vowels."

"Lame."

"I know."

"Did... did Naruto or Sakura try to speak to me?"

"When they were discharged, they both came up to see you," the boss said smoothly. "Sakura-kun could do nothing but cry, which wasn't helpful. Naruto-kun was also infuriating in his own inimitable way, greeting you with a slap to the shoulder and letting the world know how he 'was sure you would wake up any day now' and that he'd 'send Jiraiya to the ward all the time to check up on you.'"

My stomach did a little flip and I couldn't help but smile as I asked, "Is Naruto staying with Jiraiya then? I'm guessing he can't do much with his broken wrist?"

"He is, _unfortunately_. That is why Jiraiya was loitering outside when you decided to come to your senses. Reporting back to his retarded godson, as if he doesn't have anything better to do. Just before you woke, he had ordered me a take-away meal and forced me to go down to the cafeteria and eat it."

My jaw dropped. "You had a take-out?" I said, utterly dumbfounded. "You actually ate a take-out meal?"

"I did," the boss said grimly. "The things I do for you, Sasuke-kun."

"Ha! That is _priceless_!" I cackled with evil glee. "What did you have? And please tell me someone took a picture?"

"I had a half shredded crispy duck with hoi-sin sauce, vegetables and pancakes. They were in... plastic tubs," the boss said, with a vague sneer at the recollection. "The food itself, though, was not unpleasant."

"He ate the whole lot himself, Sasuke," Itachi called out over his newspaper, "and Jiraiya has a photo on his phone."

"Ha ha, brilliant! I will be viewing that later!" I laughed and then immediately winced as I clapped my hands together and tugged at the drip. I glared at it accusingly.

"Stupid, fucking drip!" I hissed. "Does it really have to be there?"

"It does," the boss said, giving me a severe look. "Do not even think about taking it out. If you take it out, I will put it back in somewhere you can't reach."

I blinked owlishly, giving myself time to process the meaning of the boss's threat.

"That's a bit harsh," I said eventually.

"It is, isn't it?" the boss replied with a winning smile.

"I mean, can you even put a drip in someone's arse? Is that even possible?"

"Doesn't have to be there," the boss said significantly, leaving the rest to my imagination, which suddenly, magically, began working overtime, alerting me to any number of uncomfortable, nightmarish places in which one could potentially put needles.

Needle-less to say, I changed the subject. (You see what I did there? Ohoho, I am a veritable mine of witty, hospital-related puns!)

"So, how is Jiraiya? Is he still here?"

"Jiraiya is fine," the boss said thinly, tilting my chin to the side so he could wash around my neck and shoulders. "He was worried about Naruto-kun, but since his silly, little charge had been given the all-clear, he has instead been whirring around my head like a gnat for the past two days. He said Sarutobi-sensei had asked him to 'keep an eye on me', but I don't believe it."

"Well you did throw that rather spectacular tantrum down in reception after Sasuke was moved to ICU..." Itachi intoned, again from behind his newspaper.

The boss's lip curled. "I do not recall having asked for a running commentary, Itachi," he said waspishly.

I sighed, thinking this could only bode ill and wondered just how many hospital staff the boss had pissed off.

"What did he do?" I asked wearily.

"Nothing!" the boss snapped. "That stupid girl Ayame wanted to see you, and since she had damn near killed you, I wasn't particularly happy about it!"

"Orochimaru, you threw coffee over her, screamed in her face, accused her of killing Sasuke, threatened her with legal action, and she ended up in hysterics. She didn't mean for anything to happen. It was an accident—"

"_I don't care!_" the boss hissed, his eyes flashing alarmingly as he threw the sponge into the bucket with a loud plop.

The boss's eyes met my brother's and there was a brief moment of tension before Itachi looked away with a shrug, turning his attention back to his newspaper. The boss snorted and kicked the bucket of water under the bed. My sponge bath was over. I can't say I was sad about it, but at least I was clean.

It's going on ten-thirty now and I think I'm going to go for a nap. Itachi's moved onto another newspaper and the boss is lying on the camp bed doodling on a lined pad with a black sharpie. Besides, my head really does hurt, and I've been concentrating hard on typing. It's made me feel a bit barfy, so I'm guessing now would be a good time to put my painkiller drip to good use.

It's morphine time!

LATER:

That was not meant to be a Power Rangers joke.

Okay. I'm really, really going to sleep now.

Honest.

January 15th

2:10am

This is one of the many downsides to having been unconscious for three days: my sleeping pattern appears to have been screwed up beyond all recognition. Thus, I am wide awake and quite lucid at two in the morning with no one to talk to – not even the nurse who does the night rounds, because she was freaked out by the boss whispering throaty, husky, obscenities in a fitful slumber from the corner in his camp bed.

When I woke from my drug-induced slumber, I noticed with a start that Itachi was still there. He was sleeping upright in the winged armchair by the window, using a rolled-up blanket as a pillow with his legs curled up into his chest. He's still there now. I'm wondering if he'll leave for work in the morning and then come back after? I hope so.

His mouth is open slightly, and I am sorely tempted to start throwing skittles to see if I can get any in there. They're sitting beside me on the nightstand – so close! so tempting! such fruity goodness! – but I'd have to stretch to get them and my bruises are still throbbing. Actually, come to think of it, the colour of my bruises are a painfully hilarious and coincidental mixture of the colours of the red and purple skittles. Mars should totally come out with a new hybrid skittle, the colour of trauma, and have its delicious, fruity, sugary flavour tinged faintly with the unmistakable tang of iron. Murderers and cannibals would love it!

Skittle-less and left with no other options, though, I suppose watching the boss sleeping could be considered a warped sort of entertainment. About ten minutes ago, he howled and then almost flailed into the wall the bed is pressed against, and round about twenty minutes, maybe half an hour ago, he actually rolled _out_ of bed and crawled back in without waking up. The heavy slap that reverberated around the room when warm skin met cold linoleum made me laugh rather hard, and I injured myself in the process because my bruises suck. I know I keep going on about this, but they are almost the worst part of this whole car wreck business. I can't even feel my broken ankle and my head's a bit achey, but nothing I can't handle.

And the boss is still muttering. He's telling Kabuto what to do in his dreams.

I think the camp bed might be getting to him.

Fuck this. I wish I was allowed online. I am bored, sore, and wakeful, and that particular combination does not a happy Sasuke make. I know that I will be having visitors tomorrow, but I cannot wait until then! Hospitals at night are intensely creepy places, and the beepy machine is driving me crazy!

I need someone – something, anything – to distract me from it.

LATER:

2:46am

Dear deity that seems intent upon mocking me,

I now realise that there appears to be a scale of boredom. A descending cline depicting the slide from mild ennui to full-blown, unable-to-get-out-of-bed, soul-sucking depression.

If I admit that – on the grand scale of things – I was never really that bored in the first place and perhaps closer to the mild ennui end of the cline, would you please remove a screaming Hidan, along with his idiot co-workers Kakuzu, Sasori and Deidara from the room across the hallway from mine? Despite my earlier assertion to the contrary, I am now, in fact, rather tired, and would like to get some rest.

Regards,

Uchiha Sasuke.

LATER:

2:51am

What is going on through there? There's crashing and banging and I can hear Hidan hollering nonsense about his dumb cult and Kakuzu roaring at him to shut the hell up and let the doctors knock him out. By 'knocking out', I would hazard a guess that Kakuzu meant 'anesthetise'; this opposed to being knocked the fuck out by a well-timed hook to the jaw by a doctor who has had a long, stressful day and has had just about enough of a certain patient's fool antics.

I wouldn't blame the hospital staff if they did, though. Punch him, I mean. It's Hidan, after all. Whatever is wrong with him, he probably deserves it.

Also, I cannot believe Hidan's noise hasn't woken the boss and Itachi! Seriously, if Hidan is going to disturb someone's sleep, it should be the theirs, because then one of them could get up, walk across the hall, find out what's going on and report back. Obviously, I cannot do it myself because I'm not safe on crutches yet. (I cannot wait to be safe on crutches. That will be my project tomorrow. I don't care what Itachi says.)

Although, on the other hand, if either of them _do_ go over, Akatsuki will doubtless find out I am just across the hall and might feel the need to pay me a visit. This I do not want, because I am now officially tired and irritable because I want to turn onto my side and go to sleep but cannot because my bruises will throb and make me yelp.

LATER:

3:12am

Please let me sleep. Please?

The painkillers have worn off and everything hurts.

Fuck Hidan. Fuck him. I want him to die.

Die now...

January 14th

LATER:

11:42am

As of right now, I am feeling alright, but I got absolutely no sleep last night. Reason? I woke just before dawn and had a full-blown panic attack – my heart hammering and hysteria bubbling in my throat for no reason at all, other than that I might have believed myself confused or disoriented in some way.

Where was I? I wondered, in my blind, unthinking state of desperation. What were these needles doing in my arms? Where was the beeping sound coming from? Why did my leg hurt so much? Why could I smell disinfectant? Why couldn't I get up? Why was it so dark? Where was the boss? Where was he? Why wasn't he beside me, tossing and turning and muttering and waking me up like he always did? Was I dead?

When I inevitably began to scream and make a fuss, the boss woke up and put on his thick, towelling bath-robe, and with the bleary-eyed look of the sleep-deprived, he reassured me and took my hand and muttered in a low voice, "Hush, Sasuke-kun. I am here. There is no need to worry."

He would repeated those choice phrases over and over, and when his message finally hit home and registered in my brain, he then took the opportunity to remind me that I had been in an accident and that I was in hospital in order to recover, and that if I would stop howling and trying to rip the surgical drips from my veins, he would be much obliged.

After my episode, naturally, I was mortified and forced the boss to promise on pain of pain that he would tell no-one. Of course, Itachi woke up and wanted to know what happened and he told Sakura's mum when she came in at five to nine and she told Dr Tenma, but they're hospital staff, so I let that slide. It's thanks to them, really, that I am feeling much, much better and – when all is said and done – no longer leaking brain fluid at an alarming rate.

Unfortunately, my night-time antics were noticed by Kakuzu, who apparently "recognised my tone of scream." Itachi had gone back to his place to wash and get some breakfast by then by the time Kakuzu knocked on the door at about half past ten. The boss, thinking it might have been one of the doctors, answered it.

Without a care in the world, Kakuzu barged in and had a good, long stare when he saw me lying in bed, tired, injured and with the big, ugly chunk shaved out my hair.

Then, he curtly announced, "Oh. You're not dead. Well done," at which point he promptly drew up a chair, threw himself down on it, and started bitching about Hidan. No, "How are you, Sasuke?" "Are you feeling better, Sasuke?" "Would you like anything from the shop, Sasuke?" "Is there anything I can do to help?" This is because Kakuzu has no soul, and is therefore beneath even my contempt.

The boss, of course, had absolutely no idea that Hidan had been admitted in the wee hours of the morning, and asked Kakuzu in a rather threatening manner what the hell he thought he was doing. In order to stave off a beat-down from the boss, who was also tired and grumpy and had not yet showered (because he and Itachi seem to have an unspoken agreement that they'll be taking it in shifts to leave my side), Kakuzu immediately launched into his explanation, during which I learned lots of very interesting facts.

The dreadful story of Hidan's hospitalization, according to Kakuzu the gossip-monger, began early yesterday afternoon, round about the same time my brain decided to give me the all clear to wake up. That morning at work, Kakuzu said, he arrived at HQ first thing, ready to put in a day's shift, only to find that trouble was already brewing.

"Sasuke, I had only just stepped through the door," he insisted, "and there was Deidara leaning over Itachi's desk and giving your brother dog's abuse – right in his face – and he was yelling at him like he was a psycho drill sergeant, or something.

"Now, I don't know what the hell they were arguing about, but I think it must've been something to do with the contract in Iwagakure, because Itachi and Kisame and Sasori and Deidara have been working flat out on it for the past couple of months – Itachi, in particular, because he's hardly been out of the office since Christmas, except that day you decided to be inconvenient and crash into a tree. Something must have gone wrong, and Itachi, surprisingly, was getting the blame."

At that revelation, I raised my eyebrows. "Itachi screwed up?" I said, deeply sceptical. "I don't believe it."

Kakuzu shrugged. "I have no idea who actually screwed up," he said. "It's likely it wasn't Itachi. I only know that something had gone wrong and that Deidara wasn't happy about it.

"But the thing is," he continued, a vague smirk playing at the corners of his mouth, "Itachi wasn't too pleased about Deidara playing Gunnery Sergeant Hartman..."

"So what happened?" I heard the boss enquire, in a slightly waspish tone, from the camp bed, while I sat there, dreading what was coming next.

"Well," Kakuzu went on, with a small laugh as he shook his head in amazement, "Itachi just sat there for a minute, staring at Deidara while he went off on one of his mad rants. It kept building and building, and Deidara was getting worse and worse, and the next minute, Sasori and Hidan appeared at their office doors to watch the show, and it seemed like all hell was going to break loose.

"Anyway, Deidara was kicking off, and yelling himself into a frenzy, when out of the blue, he seemed to notice that Itachi was just sitting there, staring at him. So Deidara shuts up for a moment and stares back, looking him up and down and sneering at him, as if Itachi were that lesbian art-critic who hates him, or something. And then he said, 'Well? Say something, you fucking robot!'"

"Itachi didn't like that. At all. When Deidara opened his big mouth, for a minute, it was pretty weird, and your brother just sat there, looking as if Deidara had smacked him backhand. He blinked a couple of times, as if he couldn't believe the dumb kid had said that to his face, and then all of a sudden, he stood up and – are you listening to this, Oro? – he stood up really slowly and leaned right into Deidara's face, so close their noses were practically touching, and he said in that weirdly calm way that always creeps me out:

'I am not a fucking robot.'

"Then, out of nowhere, he gave this almighty heave and he tipped his damned desk over, pulled a _spectacular_ face-heel turn, and headed straight for the door without a word to anyone, leaving the kid standing there, gaping, like a lost turd in a sea of paperwork and broken desk – including Itachi's massive desktop monitor, and I swear it scraped Deidara's shins when it landed and hit the floor and smashed..."

"Then what happened?" I said urgently.

"Well, that desk is damned heavy," Kakuzu went on. "It's solid mahogany and weighs a ton. Took two guys to lift it into the office when we moved to Kirigakure. So you can imagine it hit the floor with an almighty thud like a massive fat kid screaming out of orbit and slamming into the earth. You could've heard it outside in the grounds. Your uncle Madara's office is just down the hall, so it wasn't any surprise that he came running to see what all the noise was about.

"He caught Itachi by the arm just as he reached the door, and he stopped him from going one step further and asked him what was going on. This was in his equally calm and creepy voice, of course. You'll have to imagine it because I can't do Madara.

"Anyway, Madara said, 'Itachi, what is going on here?' and Itachi just sort of stood there and stared at him for a moment, looking at him like he wanted to knock his teeth out. When he wouldn't answer, Madara smiled at him and said, 'Itachi, you will speak to me and you will tell me the truth. What is going on here?'"

Kakuzu paused and shook his head ruefully, before adding, "It was horrible. He totally caved, Sasuke. It was like all the righteous, stuck-up Uchiha energy just drained out of him. He told him exactly what happened, took the blame for everything, even though Deidara started it, and he apologised to Madara for disturbing him."

"_What?_" I yelled, outraged.

"I know," Kakuzu said, grimly. "But that wasn't the worst of it."

"Dear me, it gets worse?" the boss said, in a note of sublime disinterest as he sat filing his nails on the camp bed.

"It does, Oro," Kakuzu replied. "But it also gets better, so listen to the whole story."

"Feel free to hurry up and get to the point then."

Kakuzu shot the boss a dark look and said, "Suck it, Oro," and he turned to me, since I was the only interested member of his paltry audience of two.

"So, as I was _saying_... he took the blame for it, Sasuke – and he apologised. But that wasn't enough for Madara, because he smiled at Itachi again and said, cool as you like, 'Pick it up.'

"Your brother didn't move, so he said it again. 'Pick it up, Itachi. Pick it up. All of it. The rest of you are forbidden to aid him in any way.'

"And he did it. He walked back over to his desk and started picking up paperwork.

"It made me sick, Sasuke, seeing Madara treating your brother like that. Madara's been treating all of us like shit over the past year or so, making us work all hours and phoning us up at midnight and telling us to be somewhere in another country by nine the next morning – stuff like that. But Itachi has definitely been getting the raw deal. We've been talking about it for ages, and we all hate it, so watching him make Itachi pick up trash like some state care offender doing community service... it just pushed us all over the edge."

"So what happened?" I said, both terrified and excited because I knew right then from Kakuzu's tone that something momentous and wonderful had gone down at Akatsuki HQ.

"Deidara was the one who spoke up first," Kakuzu went on. "He was still standing there in the middle of all the loose files and scattered paperclips and stuff, looking down at Itachi... and it was like a light went on in his head, and he just came out and said, 'Itachi, don't do it', and he knocked a manila folder out of your brother's hands and back onto the floor. 'Don't pick it up,' he said. 'Leave it. I'll call the cleaners. They can take care of it.'

"I don't think I need to tell you that your uncle wasn't too happy about that. It was a slight to his _absolute authority_, after all," Kakuzu said, with a look of deep distaste. "So this time he outright ordered Itachi to clean the place up... and Deidara completely and utterly lost it."

"What?" I said, my heart leaping into my mouth. Even the boss perked up a bit, and started to listen more intently.

"It's true. He was calling your uncle all the names under the sun, Sasuke, and he launched into this long, rambling diatribe about how he was sick of being treated like crap and that he wouldn't stand for it any longer.

"When he said that he was officially tending his resignation, wow... it was absolutely fantastic. It was like the little pebble of rage that had been sitting inside the kid rolled down the mountain and snowballed into a goddamned avalanche that crushed everything in its path – because as soon as Deidara said he was quitting, Sasori stepped up and said that he was sick of it all, too, and that he would be joining him..."

"You're joking?" the boss said, with a strange, half smile of astonishment.

"Absolutely not joking," Kakuzu said. "And Deidara and Sasori aren't the only ones. I'm not ashamed to admit it, but I got carried away in the moment, and threw my two yen into the argument. Told Madara he could shove his job. Hidan did, too, and suddenly we were free agents. Madara just smiled, told us to clear out our desks, wished us all the best and walked out and left the five of us standing there in the room, wondering what the hell had happened. It was like we had won a battle, or something. Weird on so many levels it's difficult to describe..."

"Did Itachi quit?" I said, interrupting him quietly, hoping against hope that my brother would have seen sense and struck when the iron was hot.

"I'm not sure," he replied. "He was still in the office when the four of us walked out. I hope he did. If he hasn't yet, then he's an idiot and deserves all he gets."

"But the question remains as to how our dear, darling, young Hidan came to end his night in hospital?" the boss interrupted, with a smirk.

"Oh that," Kakuzu said. "Almost forgot. We went out for a celebratory meal at Ichiraku Ramen in Konoha – definitely got a taste for that place after that night at Joyland – and we got talking about what we were going to do now that a hellish eternity at Akatsuki was no longer on the cards. Deidara and Sasori, obviously, are becoming full-time art fags, and I figured as an accountant I'd be pretty useful and I'd whore myself out to the highest bidder. Hidan, though," Kakuzu said, rolling his eyes, "decided there and then over some ramen that he was going to go full-time cultist. Apparently, one of their high-priestesses managed to bleed to death during one of their ridiculous rituals, so there's a vacancy going that he's intending on applying for.

"Oddly enough, he also mentioned that their head accountant died in the same freak accident, so I said I might try my luck there. Organised religion – especially money-grabbing cults – pays big money, after all. Hidan said he'd get in touch right away with the Grand Master and let him know I was interested in becoming their first ever secular accountant – and I told him that the emphasis on secular was deliberate because I didn't want to end up leaking all over a temple floor.

"But yeah," he went on. "It was round about then that Deidara started quizzing him on how the ritual worked, exactly, and Hidan – the moron – insisted he show us how it was done, dragging us over to the Public Park after we'd paid Ayame for the Ramen and gave her a tip because her face was fucking tripping her.

"It was only four-thirty in the afternoon, so there was a bunch of kids playing in the park with their parents. Naturally, Hidan jumps in the fountain, pulls out a knife, and the good citizens of Konoha were on their cells to the law before you could shriek "Oh my god, there's a psycho in the fountain!" And when Hidan started cutting himself and whooping and hollering and dancing around that disgusting, dirty, gurgling fountain, chanting his shit and kicking up algae and rusty, old coins, the kids started screaming. I heard this little girl shout, 'Mummy! Mummy! The bad man's making the fountain all red!'"

"Ha ha, oh my god," I said. "I would've totally laughed at that."

"We did," Kakuzu replied, matter-of-factly. "But we knew that the police were minutes away from screaming round the corner and cuffing Hidan. They've been itching to put the idiot behind bars ever since your trial, Sasuke, but up until then, he's had Madara's protection."

"What did you do, then?" the boss asked, his eyes glittering with amusement.

Kakuzu shrugged. "We booked a room in that hotel Oro owns, holed up in there and tried to bandage him up. It worked for a bit, but he kicked off in the lobby again, and the damned idiot tore all his dressings off. He was bleeding everywhere, and the girl at reception didn't know whether to call for the feds or an ambulance. Luckily for us, she went for the latter, and we ended up here at stupid a.m. because there're not enough beds in the secure ward, trying to get Hidan to let the doctor knock him out long enough to put in some stitches."

"Yeah," I said accusingly. "I heard that much. You idiots kept me awake last night with all your retarded crap."

"Then what were _you_ screaming about, Uchiha?" Kakuzu countered. "And don't deny it. I recognised your tone of scream: insistent, shrill and with the barest hint of smugness to it – all just as the sun was about to peep over the horizon. You woke me up too, so I think that counts as your own brand of retarded crap, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, but you're not the one lying in a hospital bed having _almost died_ four days ago!" I countered, offering Kakuzu a hefty dose of context. (I have the funniest feeling I shall be using this whole near-death-experience thing as a trump card for a long time to come.)

Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Uchiha," he said, standing up and stretching his creaking, old bones. "Just keep the screaming to a minimum, okay? I don't want you setting off the dumb shit in the next room." He headed for the door, and stopped just on the threshold, turning around and adding, "And if you see your brother, tell him to give us a call, yeah?"

"Will do," I said. "He'll be back soon, so you can talk to him then if you want."

"Are you going down for coffee?" the boss asked, with an almost too innocent smile on his face.

"Why yes, I am," Kakuzu replied smoothly, "but if you want any, you'll have to get off your fat ass and come down and get it your damned self."

The boss sighed in a put-upon manner, saying that he had envisioned a large black coffee from Starbucks, and not the watery cardboard pulp from the cafeteria. Kakuzu asked if the coffee was really that bad, and the boss replied by the way of a grim nod.

In the end, after much discussion, the boss instead offered to send someone from the hotel to pick up Starbucks for all three of us. The order was increased when Sakura's mum, Dr Tenma, and the rest of the ward staff all accepted the boss's offer of free coffee, and it was increased yet again when Hidan learned of the coffee run and whined about not being included.

At present, I am happily sitting up in bed, drinking a lovely gingerbread latte, and talking to Kakuzu and Hidan. I am not in too much pain at the moment, because the painkillers are doing their job and I have Hidan here to laugh at. He is topless at the moment, because his arms and torso are covered in bandages. Hilariously, his hands are also covered in bandages, and this, apparently, is to stop him pulling at his stitches because he is a dyed-in-the-wool moron and cannot help himself. I said they should have given him one of those cones they give dogs and Kakuzu sniggered. Hidan didn't quite hear my witty remark and said, "What? Hey! Hey, what's that about dogs?" and Kakuzu and I sat there, looking innocent, and twiddled our thumbs.

The boss has popped over to the Sarutobis' to wash and change. Apparently, Biwako has promised to make me some lunch! I am very much looking forward to seeing what the boss brings back. Hidan is not getting a fucking crumb, no matter how much he whines. And he will whine. At length. Because he is Hidan.

Speaking of Biwako, though, I wonder if my tomatoes have sprouted? It's early days yet, but... I don't know. I've grown strangely attached to those seedlings.

LATER:

12:41pm

Have you ever wondered whether it's possible to have a laugh with a psycho while recovering from brain surgery? Well, here is the answer: it is entirely possible!

Kakuzu had to take a call from Jashin HQ (I guess he really is going for the job) so Hidan and I were left alone for awhile. Because Hidan has the attention span of a stunned monkey, he quickly grew bored of absolutely everything of any interest I had to offer in my room: Itachi's newspapers, the boss's colouring book (don't ask), the skittles, the playing cards, everything.

Since I didn't much fancy _actually_ talking to him, I suggested he turn the TV on.

We ended up spending a hilarious twenty minutes simply trying to turn on the television. As some random scumbag patient had pilfered the remote beforehand, and because I wasn't allowed to get up yet, and because Hidan's hands were bandaged to stop him hurting himself, I ended up laughing myself sore watching the idiot jumping up and punching the buttons on the TV and whining at it to work.

The commotion attracted the attention of a dumpy nurse, who popped her head round the door to ask what was wrong.

"Can't get the fucking TV on, and Sasuke's laughing at me!" Hidan fumed, throwing himself down on Itachi's chair and folding his arms like a five year old.

"Alright, Hidan," she sighed (I wonder if she was on duty through the night?). "Let me just stretch up and turn it on. Which channel do you want?"

"Top Gear!" he demanded. "MK TV's re-running the whole of last series today."

The nurse flicked through the channels and before long, I heard Jeremy Clarkson yelling at me from behind the wheel of a Ferrari.

"Right then," she said briskly. "If there's nothing else you two want, I'm just going to empty these bins. Now behave yourselves!"

Even a whole series re-run of his favourite show did not stop Hidan from being a moron. He kept asking me incredibly stupid questions, such as: "So did you really die then? What was it like?", "Whoa, your scar's all bumpy. Can I touch it?", What happens if I unplug this beepy thing?", "You know you have that hole in your head? Would you let anyone fuck it?", "What happened to Naruto's car? Man, I'd've fuckin' _flipped_ if I'd totalled something that awesome."

He kept bugging me and bugging me, and I found it increasingly difficult to ignore him and absorb his stupidity.

"Hey Sasuke," he said, only five minutes later, "can I use your morphine?"

"No."

"Please?" he whined.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because," I said, through gritted teeth, "I am eighty-nine percent sure you have hepatitis. Now shut the hell up and watch the show!"

Luckily, Kakuzu came through the door not long after that and announced that he'd just got the Jashin job through phone interview (what the hell?)

Hidan was as pleased as punch with this revelation and started capering around the room, whooping and hollering and leaping up and down on the boss's camp bed.

"YAYAYAYAYAYAY!" he bellowed, "WE'RE GONNA BE WORK BUDDIES AGAIN!"

"Simmer down, kid," Kakuzu lazily, picking up one of Itachi's papers. "You'll be banned from the hospital, if you don't shut up."

"And what's going on in here?" I heard a familiar voice intone. It was Sakura's mum. She must have come on duty not long before.

Taking one look at Hidan and Kakuzu, she frowned and said, "Right! Out! Both of you. This room needs cleaning."

"Are you kidding me?" Hidan said obnoxiously, tipping the packet down his throat and finishing the last of _my_ Skittles. "Someone actually comes in here and cleans?"

The look Sakura's mum gave him would've sent smarter men running for the hills. But since Hidan is almost terminally stupid, the subtext did not penetrate his leaden skull.

"I say that, but there was that ugly bint who came in for the bins earlier, right Sasuke?" he went on, spitting flecks of Skittles everywhere. "Proper fucking bearded heffer."

Then he looked Sakura's mum and down and added, with a wolfish grin, "You're hot, though. You can empty my bins anytime!"

You should have seen Sakura's mum's face. I was dying – _dying!_ – for a proper, unadulterated guffaw. Instead, I fought to keep my face straight and said, "Hidan, seriously, shut up. This is Haruno Sakura's mum. Remember my friend with the pink hair from Konoha?"

Hidan began to think. It's very obvious when he starts to think because it clearly takes so much effort that he feels the need to screw his face up. Then, something dawned.

"Oh yeah," he said happily. "Sakura-chan! I totally remember her. Man, she is smoking hot! I'd turn her over and fucking destroy that ass any time—!"

"OUT!" Sakura's mum roared, thrusting her finger out across the corridor.

With a huff, Kakuzu stood up – and with the rolled-up newspaper in hand, walked over to Hidan and beat him over the head.

"Come on. Move your ass," he commanded.

"Owwwwww, what the hell?" I heard Hidan whining as Kakuzu grabbed him by the arm and dragged him back into his room. "But Kakuzu, I wanna watch Top Geaaaaaar..."

I was left alone in my room with Sakura's mum. She was standing by the door, hands on her hips, shaking her head.

"I'm— I'm really sorry about them," I said eventually, trying desperately not to laugh. "They used to work with my brother, so I do know them. They didn't just randomly burst into my room and hi-jack my television."

"Oh, I know who they are, Sasuke," she replied sternly. "Sakura told me all about what happened at Joyland Park. That man Hidan was banned for beating up two park attendants after he got his arm stuck in Leo the Paper-Eating Lion. And he's involved in that Jashin cult!"

"Yeah, he's pretty intense."

"I'm seriously beginning to wonder about that Akatsuki company, if that's the type of person they employ," she said sniffily, before she headed off to check on the other patients.

I can still hear Hidan being... well... Hidan in the room across the corridor. Earlier on, he was doing an uncanny impression of Eduard Khil, and about fifteen minutes ago, he farted really loudly and started laughing.

I think he is actually the stupidest person I know.

I thought I was the one who was supposed to be brain-damaged?

LATER:

1:30pm

If it is at all possible to feel content while one is in hospital recovering from severe head trauma, then I think I might just qualify at the moment. The weather is dry and crisp and bright and frosty, so the window is open a crack, letting in a pleasantly cool breeze that is tickling my face and making the daffodils in the vase on the windowsill sway ever so slightly. The winter sun is streaming through the open window, Hidan is away – having been taken away for psychiatric evaluation – and I am quite happy just to lie here in my bed, letting the sun's light warm me from the outside in.

I am also happy because the boss returned not long ago from the Sarutobis, bearing lunch. The dishes provided were not technically skilled or difficult to assemble in any way, but that they were prepared just for me, at home, from scratch, by Biwako, made me feel that they were the most wonderful things in the world. Tomato and basil soup, and two ume onigiri. My absolute favourites.

I could smell the pot of tomato and basil soup the second the boss came into the room, its beautiful, rich, fresh, tomato and herb fragrance wafting across the room to seduce my nostrils and cause my salivary glands to spring to attention. I swear, my heart skipped a beat, for there is _nothing_ I love more than tomato soup, and the fact that I was utterly ravenous only compounded this love and magically transformed it into a commanding lust, that I would not have been able to suppress, even if I had wanted to. Plus, watching Hidan chowing down on my Skittles had made me hungry.

"Is that tomato soup?" I breathed, my eyes sparkling with longing.

"Why, yes, Sasuke-kun," the boss said casually. "Would you like some?"

"Gimme, gimme, gimme!" I howled, my arms stretched out, as my need for tomato soup was at that point all-consuming.

"Patience, Sasuke," the boss said, with a smirk. "It will have to be warmed up. _However_..." he stressed, noting the look of profound anguish that twisted my otherwise regular features, "... while you are waiting for the soup, you may have one of these..."

From behind his back, he revealed a bento box which contained several freshly made ume onigiri. I almost cried with joy, and I snatched at one of the eminently edible objects of perfection and began to chomp with gusto. I was so very hungry and absorbed in the task of demolishing my onigiri, I did not at first notice the boss offering me another object wrapped in brown paper and tied with string.

"What's this?" I asked, my voice muffled through a large mouthful of food. Bits of rice had broken off and had migrated and stuck to various parts of my face.

"Biwako made it for you," the boss said, smiling, as he sat down on the edge of my bed. "Open it."

I opened it.

In the parcel was a black beanie hat, lovingly knitted by Biwako, along with a little get well card and a suggestion that I might wear the hat if I ever felt like disguising my post-surgery hair. I sat there and stared at it for a long moment until I could no longer suppress the huge smile.

"This... this is just what I need," I said, my voice wavering a touch. "How did she know?"

"Not long after the operation, with a great deal of foresight, I made a very shrewd guess," the boss replied. "This guess was that you would be utterly devastated upon discovering your hair had been shaved, since you consider it as one of your prize features, and that I was not quite sure how I would deal with it, if and when you woke.

"Upon hearing this, Biwako set straight to work so that she might in some way lessen your suffering, my poor Sasuke-kun. You hold the fruit of her labour in your hands."

The beanie was sitting on my knees, spread out upon the white, cotton bed sheets. I touched it, and found its softness incomparable, its warmth absolute, the wool smooth and in no way likely to irritate a tender, bristly scalp. I put it on. It fit like a dream, and I checked my reflection in the back of the boss's ipod. It was almost like I had never been in the accident.

I began to snivel.

Now, that reaction might come across as vain, perhaps irrational, or even childish, considering if I had not had the surgery, the boss, my brother, and my best friends would be attending my funeral right now. But I cannot help it. When I looked in that mirror last night, it was awful: that ugly, fish-belly white strip of skin complete with a gnarled, horseshoe ridge of a scar – the wound clamped together and held in place by a crooked line of twisted staples. I could not stand it. I could not stand to look at myself, and I will not look at myself in the mirror, no matter how much the boss scolds me and tells me I'm shallow.

This is why the beanie was such a big deal to me. For though it cannot replace the valuable chunk of my hair, it is a cosy solution to a temporary problem (a fact the boss seems to consider his solemn duty to remind me of whenever I feel the need to lament my loss). Since putting it on, I have not taken it off, and I intend to wear it even when I sleep, and only remove it when I have to wash in the morning. It will make facing Naruto and Sakura much, much easier when they come to visit later on tonight.

Needless to say, I let the boss know that Biwako's gesture was very much appreciated. He was sitting, perched on the edge of my bed, and I raised an arm, wrapped it around his neck, and gave him a weak, injured Sasuke squeeze and a kiss. The moment would have lasted longer, but Dr Tenma came in to ask how I was, and I simply had to pounce upon the opportunity to show off my new, custom headgear. The boss retreated to the camp bed and buried himself in a book, pretending to be uninterested, but I could see the smile on his face.

I am really looking forward to tonight now. I cannot wait to see Naruto and Sakura. I miss them.

Why isn't Itachi back yet? I want to know if he's quit or not.

LATER:

3:04pm

Guess who I saw earlier on?

Go on. Guess.

You can't guess? Not at all?

Very well then, I'll tell you.

I saw Neji!

Seriously. I am not lying. I was just chilling in my room, the boss having nipped out to take a phone call from Sarutobi, and there was a knock on the door. I hesitated for a moment, thinking it might be Hidan again, but I laughed at my own stupidity when I realised that Hidan would never knock in a million years, so I said, "Come in!"

And who popped his cheeky, little head around the door? None other than Hyuuga Neji.

I was pretty surprised at this, to be honest, and I no doubt made that weird half-screwed up smile, half-open-mouthed face people make when they're happy to see someone, but totally not expecting it.

"Neji..." I spluttered. "Hi! Umm... come in! How are you?"

"I should be asking you that question," he replied, taking a seat on one of the spare chairs. He observed me closely for a moment, then smiled. "So..." he said. "How are you?"

"My head still hurts a bit," I admitted. "And don't get me started on the bruises. My hearing's not too great, either, and I haven't been allowed to try walking around yet. The boss brought me lunch, though, and I feel less like throwing up, so that's a plus."

"Yes, it's good that you're eating," Neji intoned, ever the professional. "The medication they'll be giving you won't exactly be kind to your stomach, so the more you can stand to eat, the less nauseous you're likely to feel."

"Some Skittles would be nice," I muttered. (Yes, I am still sore about it. Hidan is a fat muncher. I hope the next time he has Skittles he chokes on them.)

"I'll tell Naruto to bring you a bag then."

"Ha, he's going to be so mad when he finds out you got to see me first."

Neji smiled conspiratorially. "That's why I'm here. I was passing, and I thought, why not seize upon this golden opportunity to annoy Naruto?"

"You were passing?" I asked, suddenly interested. "What were you doing in the hospital?"

"A friend from university called, needing a favour. She was swamped with casework and asked me to do a quick evaluation of a particularly troublesome patient who was admitted yesterday evening, but it turned out I knew him, so I couldn't carry out the tests."

"It was Hidan, wasn't it?" I said, smirking.

"I couldn't possibly comment," Neji said serenely. "Patient confidentiality."

"He'll get out of it," I said. "He always does. Sasori's told him how to answer the questions, and he knows how to act too."

"That'll be frustrating. I'm glad I'm not the one overseeing the observation."

"I've always said Hidan should've been committed years ago, but he's just so damned funny sometimes..."

"I will never forget the sight of him at Joyland trying to stuff three bags of cotton candy into his mouth at once for a bet."

"He's such a fucking idiot," I said, before adding sheepishly, "and speaking of idiots, Neji, I'm sorry for screaming in your face the other day."

"Quite alright, Sasuke," Neji dismissed good-naturedly. "I got your email in which you explained your reasons for doing so. I understand."

"No, really. I was being a moron," I insisted. "The boss was trying to do me a favour and I freaked out about it."

"Relationship counselling is never easy, Sasuke," Neji intoned, sounding a lot like Itachi in that moment. "People often mistakenly believe it is a quick-fix situation. That, if they talk over their problems with a therapist, they will all go away. It's never that simple."

"So what's the verdict then?" I said, jokingly, "You think my problems will go away?"

"What, you want really want to hear the verdict?"

Instantly, my stomach began doing flip flops.

"Neji!" I moaned. "Damn it, I didn't know you actually had a verdict! I was joking! Why did you have to tell me that? Why?"

"So you don't want to know?"

"Of course I want to know!" I seethed. "I can't not know now, can I?"

Neji sighed, and shrugged. "Well, having trawled through all of the evidence made available to me, the short conclusion is that your relationship with Orochimaru-sama _may_ worth saving. However," he added ominously, leaning forward and fixing me with a severe look, "you do have to sort out a few things."

"Such as?" I asked, trying to remain nonchalant while my heart was pounding.

"The power struggle."

"The power struggle?"

"Yes," Neji stressed. "The power struggle. Relationships, ideally, should be on equal terms, but there is a rather large power gap between you and Orochimaru-sama, which has resulted in employee/partner confusion. You address him as 'Orochimaru-sama' and in your private writings refer to him as 'the boss', and yet it's obvious you're not entirely at ease with the situation, because as soon as things go wrong – usually when Orochimaru-sama wields his influence against you in some way – you go straight on the attack.

"Orochimaru-sama, on the other hand, is very controlling and seems to be used to treating employees that way. In his mind, he is always 'the boss' and demands respect from his employees – and his partners, who usually happen to have started out as employees, so there was never really much scope for differentiation in the first place. If he does not get the respect he feels he deserves, as 'the boss', he sees it as an assault on his authority. It seems like you want to be treated as an equal, Sasuke, but unfortunately Orochimaru-sama sees this as capitulating, and he doesn't seem to do that as a rule, because he is 'the boss' and his authority is absolute.

"Not helping matters, you two have rather similar personalities. You are both hideously proud, used to getting your own way, stubborn, fiercely independent and love having the last word in an argument. You're like two rams butting heads.

"I believe Orochimaru-sama must decide if you are an employee or a partner. That is a key issue."

"A little bit of equality goes a long way," I sniffed, turning up my nose, ready to whip out my banner and start marching.

"But it's not all Orochimaru-sama's fault," Neji warned. "You, Sasuke, are a button-pusher."

"A what?" I exclaimed, outraged. "What are you dribbling on about, Hyuuga? That doesn't sound very scientific to me."

"It's how you deal with the power-gap," he said simply, as though it were the most logical thing in the world. "You cannot take his authority from him, so you seek other ways to undermine it. You know him well, so you know exactly how to rile him and punish him for being able to control you."

"You're thinking about the pinching thing, aren't you?"

Neji smiled and said nothing.

I sighed and looked out the window. It was snowing again. "I guess what you're saying is kind of true. It's fine when he's using his influence against other people, but when he turns it on me, I often find I suddenly want to gouge his eyes out."

Neji nodded wisely.

"But..." I went on, feeling a little squeeze inside, "... I still like him."

"I know," Neji said. "There appears to be a great deal of genuine affection between you, otherwise I would have suggested a separation."

"I mean he's really clever, and he's attractive... in an odd way, and there're no age gap issues at all – apart from when he spells 'connection' as 'connexion', seriously, what is that about?

"And he makes me laugh," I went on. "Really, really makes me laugh. Ha, there was this one time, right," I said, already smirking at the recollection, "that we were in bed and it was shaping up to be a pretty standard wine-fuelled night in. The boss was just getting down to business, when suddenly he just stops, pushes himself up onto his knees and looks down at me with this really odd look on his face. Then, just as I was about to ask him what the hell he was doing, slowly, he raised his hands up to his head and said, "I put on my robe and wizard hat..."

I guess Neji had read those fake cybersex conversations too. I have never heard him laugh like that before.

"Neji, I was a corpse. A corpse of laughter," I went on, as Neji crumpled up in his chair with his head in his hands. "Seriously, I was laughing so hard I couldn't see straight and I was still sniggering when I went into work the next day. I could hardly look him in the eye at the morning meeting."

"Sasuke," Neji managed to choke out, "you have destroyed my image of Orochimaru-sama forever."

"Good!" I exclaimed. "He's not all expensive clothes and shady business deals and temper tantrums. He can be funny and charming and all that stuff. Almost like a normal person. Almost. Most of the time."

"Well, that's encouraging," Neji said, shaking his head amusedly. "And really," he went on sincerely, "I do hope you manage to make things work. The gossip mill would seize up and grind to a halt if you two separated. But listen," he said, standing up and reaching for his jacket, "I have to get back for an appointment. I'm glad you're well, Sasuke, so take care of yourself, give Orochimaru-sama my best and I'll forward the request for Skittles to Naruto."

"Will do!" I said, before calling out just as Neji left, "And careful on those roads, it's snowing again! If you end up in here, TenTen will kill you!"

"I'll be careful!" he answered. "See you soon, Sasuke!"

The boss appeared about a minute after Neji left. They must have met on the elevator, or something, because the boss sidled in with a sly look on his face.

"Seeing Neji behind my back, are we?" he said, crossing the room and enveloping me in a tentative embrace (he has learned not to go near my bruises or risk my wrath).

"Absolutely," I said, with a feeble attempt at returning the gesture. "I was telling him loads of awful things about you."

"Were you, indeed?"

"I was."

"What was he doing here, anyway? It's not visiting time."

"He was just passing and thought he'd pay a flying visit. He was actually here to give Hidan psychiatric testing but couldn't because he knew him."

"It wouldn't make any difference," the boss snorted. "Hidan knows how to answer all the questions. Sasori told him years ago."

"That's exactly what I said."

"Futile in the extreme..."

"I know..."

There was a pause, in which we both realised our faces were inches from each other. I reached up and touched the boss's hair. It was soft, freshly washed and dried and smelled of shampoo. I felt a twinge of longing...

"Itachi's not back yet, is he?" the boss asked in a whisper.

"Not yet."

"Wonderful," the boss murmured as he leant forward and kissed me.

I am proud to say, I did a much better job this time.

* * *

AN: Seems like a good place to leave it for now! Sorry about the wait. It's been far too long. Long story short, I got too involved with the characters and the prospect of the story ending actually made me sad, so I did the only thing I could do and stopped writing. Recently, though, I remember why I started writing this thing in the first place: so I could prove to myself I could finish a longer story. Now that I have the authorly distance back, I know I can do it. :) Hopefully, some of you will still be out there and interested. :) I made a few changes to chapter forty-two, by the way. It's been so long, we've learned Sarutobi's wife's name, so that's been changed. I also went a bit overboard with the shaven-headed Sasuke angle. I couldn't even imagine it myself, so it's been demoted to a more modest shaved chunk of hair.

Hope this chapter was okay. It's sort of a two-parter, so things should pick up in forty-four. :)

Thanks to everyone who has been asking for updates on the review board. It means a lot to me that you guys are still interested.

**syrraki**: I cannot believe it has been two years since I updated this. Oh, the shame! Sorry about the lack of tomato information this chapter, but it has only been a day or so since he planted them. Give it another couple of days and Sasu will have tiny little tomato shoots to be proud of. :)

**pompomwoop**: Haha, the 'witnesses' bit. Apart from the plant-punching, that was my favourite bit of chapter forty-two. I made myself laugh writing it, if that doesn't sound weird. It is just so... them. And yeah, the duck-butted hair is mostly back. I honestly couldn't imagine him without it. Why did I write that again? XD

**Iraoftheseven**: I'm not surprised it took you that long to read the whole thing. It is ridiculously long!

**Gerkyhen**: If you nearly fainted last time I updated, I don't know what's going to happen after two years, haha. I'm so glad you liked the last chapter, though. Shikamaru is totally just one of those people who is phenomenally clever but doesn't give a crap what job he does or how much it pays - just as long he enjoys it. He is a great character! :)

**borisbear**: You know... you're not too far off the mark there. I am saying no more. Pay close attention to Itachi next chapter. ;)

**Roxanne Morinaka**: Sasuke doesn't have much luck, does he? And I wish I could continue Oro's diary, but seriously it's really hard to be so pervy all the time. XD

**killerdoodlebug**: What a chapter for a first review: the last one before the two-year hiatus! I'm sorry for the wait. It really has been too long. Thanks for your kind comments, though. Even though the story is pretty silly, I try my best to make the characters as human and relatable and realistic as possible. There's nothing worse than a story with characters you just don't care about, so I'm glad you like that aspect of ADitL. :)

**hieilover135**: Heyyy, amazingly two-year late congrats on getting your license! I got mine as well. It's great to be able to just... go places, you know? (And the left side is totally the correct side - I am with you all the way.) As for what kind of books I like to read... well... I haven't read any fun books for ages because I'm still struggling away at uni, but I've got all the Terry Pratchett novels, I like historical fiction, historical non-fiction, crime fiction, graphic novels, manga (kinda obvious), Norse sagas, early Neil Gaiman, medieval fabliaux (hilarious), some of the classics... umm... that's all I can think of right now. :)

**SasukexXxSakura**: I think you were the only person to spot that Shizune/TonTon swine flu thing. XD And don't worry, there are loads of people back in Otogakure who can look after Mallory. He's a tiny cat in a big damn house. He loves it!

**Insomniac Owl**: They were fighting more, but I guess it's better fighting over petty things than the huge stuff. Small steps for them, haha. And yeah, I have used the 'oh my god, will I lose them?' tactic a few too many times. To be honest, I didn't want to use it again, but something's going to happen soon and I need Sasuke to be in one place and easily found. And yeah, the flat-lining thing. Maybe I shouldn't have waited two years to explain this. In my head, Oro butted his way into theatre and demanded he be allowed to watch. Should maybe have said that in the first place. And that's pretty cool you had a dream about Oro and Sasuke. I'd love to have a dream about them. Not in a pervy way, or anything. Just that it'd be fun. :)

**AriesRaccoonRebi**: What's going on in Bleach just now? I picked it up a while back, but I was getting sick of the never-ending filler in the anime, so I let it slide for a while. Worth getting back into?

**yumechan3**: Yeah, I was fretting over chapters forty and forty one for that reason - that I hadn't really got the chance to explain _why_ everything had happened. The Neji counselling and the diaries was my way of resolving things - or at least doing my best to. As for Oro's diary, I loved writing it. It's hard work (you have to be so pervy) but it was weirdly fun to finally get inside his head. He really does like his Sasuke-kun, haha. I sympathise on missing the stuff you know from home. I live in a cold country, so when I go to hot places where the sky is blue, I find it strange after a while...

**uberhaxxor of pwnage**: Thank you again for that awesome piece of work on DA, by the way. It still makes me smile looking at it. :) I got rid of the completely shaven Sasuke. Believe it or not, I guess he is so vain that I thought it would be too cruel to him. Plus, I couldn't imagine it. XD

**Bri**: You just started college? Wow, that would've been two years ago now! Bet you're halfway through or almost finished by now. I fail so much at life, lol. Oh well. At least I updated - and there was a lot of Neji (plus a TenTen mention!) so that might make up for the long absence. Naruto's car did survive the crash, but it's back at the Subaru garage, undergoing extensive repair. I don't know if Sasuke will ever get in it again, though...

**Erroneously**: I think I've ended up accidentally converting a few people to OroSasu. It was not my intention, I swear! XD

**Nozomi-sama**: It's been two years and Sasuke is _still_ wandering around in his little cloud of insanity. I'm wondering when Madara's going to bring him onto the field? When he does, it's not going to be pretty, I'll bet! And yeah, I couldn't imagine shaven-headed Sasuke, either. Why did I even write that in the first place? Must've been the Drama Llama egging me on. :p

**seraserastuff**: It was fun writing from Oro's perspective. I could not pass up the chance to get inside his head! Since he's an AU Oro, I thought that would be a bit safer. ;)

**Beqs**: More frequent updates wasn't exactly what happened, but I'm going to finish this fic if it kills me, I swear! The octopus comes and goes in Oro's dreams. Sometimes it is malevolent, sometimes benevolent. It is a mysterious octopus.

**Re-an-Le**: It's been so long, you've changed your name! Aie! D: As for Sasuke gardening... I have no idea where it came from. It popped into my head because, well, I guess I thought it was cute too. Plus, he loves tomatoes, and they're easy to grow, so there's no way he'd pass up that opportunity. :)

**Reginleifthevalkyrie**: I would love for someone to draw TeaFest!Oro in his hoodie and black wellingtons! Ahhh, if only I had the power. :(

**Loxes**: Seriously? I am approaching War and Peace territory? Damn, that thing is a breeze-block! D:

**SHUSHUx**: Another one where it's been so long you've changed your name, lol. Sasuke sure did get caught pinching in the last chapter. I think he regrets it, haha. I mean, he _is_ in hospital now. Oops. :p

**Jellybean06**: Hi Jellybean! Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked the fic to stick around long enough through all forty-two of its chapters (it is getting insanely long!) Yeah, the relationships between characters is something I do try hard to foster. I really couldn't just stick in a character for the sake of it. If Kishimoto introduces a new canon character, they have to have a place in the story before I even think about writing them in. Sai was quite difficult, to be honest, but as soon as I realised he had art in common with Sasori and Deidara, he was there. :)

**metal-mako-dragon**: Yeah, chapter forty-one was pretty drama-packed. I need to stop torturing the characters, seriously... Though that was a bad day for Itachi. You'll understand soon. ;)

**Dragon Morticia**: I had to change the bald-headed Sasuke thing! Even I couldn't imagine it, so I altered it to him only having had a strip of hair shaved. That's more realistic anyway. Every second counted in that operation, so they wouldn't have had time to do the whole thing. :)

**slashgirl401**: Haha, oh those early chapters when Sasuke still suffered from his sleep-disorder. I should maybe read over them again. I sort of remember that I stuck Tobi in there (this was waaaaay before Madara was revealed) so it's probably time to take him out. Will substitute his stupidity with Hidan's. SEAMLESS EDITING!

**Zanna-chan**: Yeah, Sasuke totally didn't know Hidan, did he? XD

**Mochibun**: Oh no, I hope you did well on your chemistry test. Quite a few people have said before that they've been reading this the _night before_ exams. I console myself by thinking it's a stress-buster and that people benefit by being lolled up and relaxed by the time they get into the exam hall.

**Nanaki Lioness**: Wait, did you manage to read forty-two chapters of this in one day? Damn... that's good going. But excuse my for a moment as I squee. Eeee! Another Brit! This is a good thing. Though is my Britishness that obvious in my writing? Not that it's a bad thing, but I kind of try to make this neutral as possible. Take cotton candy, for example. I used US English there because I thought, candy floss, to Americans, would be akin to a cheese radiator or a chocolate oven. :p And yeah, Kakuzu's email is a take on something awful. He is a notorious troll on the forums and is most definitely protected. ;)

**Chromde**: It's Chromde! :D Argh, so glad you liked the last chapter. You and Bri are the biggest Neji fans ever, I swear. If you found this chapter, I suppose the Neji scene in it might just begin to make up for the two-year hiatus. XD The Sarutobis are cool old people, btw (had to change Fumiko's name - damn you, Kishi!) I hate it when writers write old people as rocking-chair book-ends because they're always so much more than that. I know loads of older people who are far more active than me. XD

**BrandNewOrange**: First off, I like your screen name. It's cool. :) Secondly, I think you are the only person to have caught the "Gurner" Prize thing with all the silly entries. Thirdly, thanks for such a nice review. It's cool when other people recommend fics to friends because that's the way it should be, really, and it means I'm _doin it rite_, haha. Yeah, even though this is an AU, I try to make the character's emotions and motivations at least realistic. If I didn't then no one would be able to really relate, and there is nothing worse than a story where no one cares about the characters. I've read too many like that and the sense of disappointment you get with wasted potential... nah. I didn't want it to happen here. Glad to see I'm on the right track. :) P. S. Aquabats are awesome!

**alloysius**: You are so utterly right. If only Oro would realise that, beneath his childish anger, what he wrote about Sauce was indeed beautiful. I think he is beginning to, though. Slowly but surely, it's pentrating. We'll see what happens soon. And yeah, what is with stories that pair up characters and disregard friends and loved ones completely? I mean, unless it's a fic about a manipulative significant other who doesn't want them to see other people at all, then it's just plain unrealistic. Relationships are never _just_ about a couple alone.

**SkywardShadow**: Argh, thank you for the compliment and the nice reviews! It's hard work, but I do try to keep up the quality, and I am strangely, perversely proud of this fic. But no feelings until I finish! Then it's editing time... Need to get back and sponge out Tobi in the early chapters and slot in Hidan. Lots of little things need changing. Oh yes...

**TempusFrangit**: Hello there, long-time lurker, first-time reviewer who likes Kiku! I like Kiku too. I don't know why. She seems so innocent, yet _has_ to be a battler to have won over her boyfriend's awful best friends, to have been strong when her dad fell out with her over Jiraiya, to have had a kid at seventeen/eighteen... yeah, the list goes on. Yet she remains the same cheery, good-natured, innocent Kiku, who is trying to make her life even better by enrolling in the Business course at KNU. She's a little gem. :)

**Alienne**: I would love to be chased by monks. Though not monks of the Shaolin variety. Catholic monks. Maybe Benedictine. Or Carthusians. They probably wouldn't be able to run very fast because they don't get out much. :p

**Stick. up. his. ass. Uchiha**: What can I say? I like to throw in the odd wildly unpredictable twist here and there. :p Though there was a sort of reason for it. I needed Sasuke to be in one place for a while and for events to come to him. Only way was to incapacitate him. It'll make sense soon, I hope.

**coincident**: That is a beautiful story. In an odd way, the main character of that beautiful story reminds me of Sasuke in this one, because when I got to the part when coincident lolled in class, I was like "BAHAHA, OH COINCIDENT!" XD Thank you for such a nice review, and I mean that. Everything you said is basically the reason why I like to write stuff for people. I _want_ them to care about the story and the characters and to let them be absorbed in it for a while so they can leave real life behind, even if just for fifteen minutes. As for the writing style and switching between comedy/angst etc. yeah, I like doing that. One of my favourite authors is actually Geoffrey Chaucer. I studied him at uni, but I've kind of always liked him, mainly because he is a _master_ at swtiching registers: formal/informal, comedy/tragedy - you name it, he's done it, and done it seamlessly. I guess I'm trying to emulate him in an odd way. Bah, I'm coming over all fuzzy now...

**cy-grl**: Thank you! To be made of awesomeness is never a bad thing. :D

**YoungSasuke**: Hey, don't apologise for not reviewing sooner. RL does tend to rear its ugly head at inconvenient times. Plus, I haven't updated this thing for two years (I genuinely didn't realise it had been that long) so I guess I should be the one apologising for that. XD Oro and Sauce's revelations in the last chapter were quite admirable, weren't they? It just goes to show that everyone knows they love each other - except themselves. Silly sausages. And yeah, the crash. Tearing down the the impenetrable pride shields they've placed around themselves is a definite factor, but I also needed Sasuke to physically be in one place for a bit. I guess it should make sense soon...

**NaruGuru**: Long time no see on my part too! Two years is far too long to wait, but I'm writing ADitL again and all is well. Hopefully, haha. Orochimaru was being super childish last chapter. I think he was just nervous about the counselling and coming to terms with how he really feels about Sasuke and having to tell that to a _stranger_! That and he's pretty childish at the best of times, so he probably can't help it. XD Hope you're doing okay. :)

**Furofushi**: This story makes owners scare their cats. An unexpected, but interesting outcome, haha. Seriously, though, thanks for the review. I guess I'm lucky the update situation didn't turn into a tragedy after all. :p

**Kontraband**: Argh, what a nice review! Thank you. :) I have a secret desire to be a published writer someday. Hopefully, if I can finish this, I'll be able to prove to myself that I can do something right that people will actually like and care about. Should bode well for future projects? I'm crossing my fingers... eep!

**Shadowfoxsama**: Oh, the List! You know, Jiraiya's list is an (edited version with a few additions) of my own, real-life list for festivals. Naruto's is more like the one my brother takes with him, haha.

**kacheep**: Haha, thank you very much! I would love to be able to publish this, but I don't think Kishimoto's laywers would be too happy about that. XD And thanks for aerious, that is an excellent word (one I never knew existed, so points to you for your superior knowledge!)

**ShallowMind**: Ummm... how about a two-year wait for an update? Better late than never, right? (I just hope it's okay, though. Goddamn, I'd hate to get back into it and realised my ADitL skillz have just evaporated. Fuck.)

**Satashi of the Muffins**: Yay! Your new favourite Naruto story? Which has no doubt been superseded by a new, more awesome Naruto story because I took so damn long updating. Ah well. XD

**That Nixi Rose**: I was planning on updating. Honest. Forty-two has gone through three incarnations, before I realised the second one was the way to go and ended up editing that to hell. Plus, I've changed the ending. Much better now. I sort of realised I didn't want it to end the way I had planned, so I had to make a few changes. It's all good now. I know where I'm going with it, which always helps... :\ The hot dog thing was based on a true story. That gristly hot dog from hell really did exist. Bleurgh.

**XxsupersweetsealedwithakissxX**: Yes, I have always planned on updating it. The main reason I couldn't... well, I sort of explained it above. Plus, I had to make a few changes. Forty-two has been through the wringer. I hope it doesn't show. Hope you did okay in your GCSE Maths. It was never my favourite subject at school, tbh. Just had no interest in it, though I always admire people who are really good at it. It's not easy.

**Dejiko**: Yeah, I'm updating again! Really want to finish this, because it's just not cool to leave people hanging like that, especially with a story and characters people care about. I still haven't finished my thesis because I am the WORST PROCRASTINATOR (or best, depending on how you look at it) but I'm taking the same angle on that, i.e. "Just finish it, you pussy. What the hell's the matter with you?" And I am still in the Naruto fandom. I check the manga every week and lurk on NF for spoilers - more out of habit than anything else (got really bored with the so-called "war" before Itachi returned, like a boss.)

**Glitterthorn**: Is this update okay? [Insert 4chan awesome smiley]


	44. Chapter 44

A Day in the Life

January 14th  
5:30pm

Dr Tenma appeared to conduct a few more tests. This time, it was to check my co-ordination. The conditions were: if I passed, I would be permitted to take short periods of exercise on crutches, and if I failed, I would be confined to bed for the foreseeable future.

He seemed a little disconcerted as he explained the ins and outs of the various tests, as I was listening very aggressively, nodding my head, punctuating every other sentence with, "Uh-huh", "I see", and, "Yes, I understand. Please continue." I was also staring at him intently (I didn't blink – not once!) with my brow furrowed, deep in concentration, and my head tilted to one side to make it absolutely clear to him that I was drinking in every goddamned word he said. The intensity of my listening may have unnerved Dr Tenma, but I didn't care. He should understand why.

If I could walk on crutches, then I could walk out of the hospital.

I narrowed my eyes.

Game on, Tenma. Game on...

It was really important to me that I concentrated hard on these tests, so I could get better and get out of here as soon as possible.

You would think, then, that the boss and Itachi would also understand this. You would think that they would shut up for five fucking _milliseconds_, so that I could put my over-achieving Uchihan abilities into practice and ace Dr Tenma's tests, as is my wont.

You would think that, wouldn't you?

I scoff at my optimism.

As I was hard at work, standing on shaking legs in a drafty hospital nightgown with my eyes screwed tight-shut, the boss decided to start banging on about how practising on the shamisen would be an excellent way to test my hand-eye co-ordination. In my own private, dark, little world of hell, I could hear his voice buzzing in my ears. I had reached ten seconds standing without support, with my feet together and my eyes closed, and I desperately wanted to get to _at least_ twenty seconds. The boss was not helping.

"Will you shut up?" I hissed, through gritted teeth. "You're putting me off!"

"Time!" Dr Tenma said, brightly. "Well done, Sasuke! That was excellent. Now, if you could just bend your knees very slightly like this and hold that position for a few seconds, that would be wonderful. And I do agree, Orochimaru-sama. Playing the shamisen would be an excellent way to do some gentle exercise that won't be too taxing. Do you play, Sasuke?"

"What? Oh. Only a bit," I answered, truthfully. "I haven't since I left the Academy."

"He could have been much better," Itachi announced suddenly, over the folds of his newspaper – a passive, aggressive admonishment which earned him a withering look and a two-fingered salute from me. "He didn't practice nearly enough to achieve proficiency."

"Err... wait a minute," I said, my knees bent (unfortunately exposing my tender scrotum to a rather nasty, ill-timed draught.) "Have we magically time-travelled back to high-school or something? In case you haven't realised, Itachi, I don't really care about having failed to _achieve proficiency_. We've been over this before. I had to quit music lessons so I could concentrate on my exams."

"I managed," was my brother's bald, brazen reply.

There was absolutely no way I was letting that go. No way in hell.

"Itachi," I said, wearily, "you managed because you had no social life. The little human contact you sustained was based around study-groups."

Over on the camp-bed, the boss chuckled at my blisteringly witty retort, and my brother rolled his eyes.

"You could take up lessons again, though, Sasuke-kun," the boss mused, as he dealt out what seemed like his four-hundredth game of clock patience that day. "I very much enjoyed your performance at Asuma's wedding. I wish you would play more often."

"Let me guess," Itachi intoned, seeking revenge. "He played Tsugaru-jonkara-bushi: the only piece he really knows how to play. And he played with a rather simple Bachizuke touch. Not technically demanding, but it does produce a nice tone."

My jaw dropped in an expression of outraged indignation.

"What the hell, Itachi?" I said, straightening up and fixing him with a baleful glare. "Stop commenting on my repertoire."

"Repertoire, by definition, indicates plurality."

"Funny. Real funny, Itachi. My, aren't we on fire today," I retorted, slathering my words in sarcasm. "For your information, _actually_, I improvised Take on Me on a stage that day in front of loads of people, and I can also play Duelling Banjos, which is pretty damn difficult on the shamisen."

"Duelling Banjos? Really, Sasuke-kun?" the boss asked with a smirk.

"What? Is that not high-brow enough for you?" I said accusingly. "I thought it would be funny, okay?"

"I recall that it did amuse Naruto," Itachi added, entirely unnecessarily.

"You know, I think I will hire you a tutor, Sasuke-kun," the boss said, shaking his head amusedly as he sank back into the camp-bed. "Duelling Banjos... Honestly."

"I agree. Sasuke should resume his music lessons. If only to speed his recovery—"

At that point, my teeth were grinding so hard, I could feel the staples in my head squealing. I was squatting in a paper gown, trying to bend my knees and keep my balance, and those two were going on and on and on about shamisen lessons.

I could not believe it. My brother and the boss were tag-teaming me!

"Excuse me, can I just stop you there for a moment? Right. Thank you. I appreciate it. So, just for your information – you know, something for both of you to note for the future – if you ever intend on agreeing with each other and tag-teaming me again, give me a heads up and I'll leave the room and let you two fuck in a corner, or something, because you obviously love each others' opinions so much."

Poor Dr Tenma. The man didn't know where to look. He kept trying to catch my eye and coax me back into doing the co-ordination tests, but I wasn't having it. I had business to attend to.

The boss stared at me for a moment. Then he smirked and said, "Well, well, it appears you haven't lost your touch for eloquent hyperbole. That is reassuring. Though, for _your_ information, Sasuke-kun, I would rather eat my own head than fuck your brother. He would be absolutely terrible in bed. It would be like mounting a plank of wood with a straight face drawn on."

Itachi frowned and snorted, turning back to his newspaper.

I shot the boss a withering look. "Disgusting. That's my brother you're talking about."

"You started it," the boss said serenely.

"Yes..." I said levelly. "Yes, I did."

Then I turned to Dr Tenma and put him out of his misery by asking, rather aggressively, what the next few monkey hoops I had to jump through were. I spent the next ten minutes slapping my thighs and touching my nose while my surgeon made furtive notes, trying not to catch anyone's eye.

I think he seriously believes we're all insane.

Well, that's fine. In the absence of Neji, I'm sure he could conduct all the necessary examinations. I would be fine, of course, but I'm not sure about Itachi and the boss. Itachi would probably fall under personality group C2 – Asshole Brother, and the boss would most definitely fall under a category A1 – Smug, Interrupting Fuck. I wonder if there is anything that can be done for them?

LATER:  
6:30pm

Guess what? I passed! I am now permitted to hobble around the room on crutches. A nurse came up from orthopaedics and gave me the crash course on how to use them. I am permitted to walk around the ward only, and have to be escorted at all times in case I feel dizzy and decide that the floor would be a nice place to land. Stairs are absolutely forbidden, though I am allowed to use the elevators, if necessary, but only in a wheelchair.

My crutches were placed in custody of the boss, and as soon as the orthopaedic nurse left, he carefully placed them under the camp bed, pushing them under as far as he could, right against the wall. I knew exactly what he was doing. I turned to him and demanded my crutches.

"I'm going for a walk," I said. "Crutches. Now."

Filling in a box on the Konoha Times sudoku, the boss pretended he hadn't heard me. From my bed, I stared levelly at him. That was fine. I was in hospital, not getting out any time soon, and he had decided to imprison himself here alongside me, not getting out any time soon. I could keep this up all night.

I repeated my demands for my crutches. No response.

I repeated myself again. Stonewalled.

"Orochimaru-sama," I said, trying another tack, "if you don't give me my crutches right now, I'm going to take all my morphine in one go."

"Nice try, Sasuke-kun. As if the nurses would even give you enough to poison yourself."

I could feel a sulk coming on, but my brother deftly averted the crisis by saying, "If you take your exercise now and feel unwell, then you will not enjoy having Naruto and Sakura visit. Wait half an hour, Sasuke, and I will escort you, if you still insist on getting out of bed."

I hated to admit it, but my brother had posed a rather sensible compromise. Huffing, I sunk back into my pillows and (carefully) folded my arms, indicating that while I was not entirely happy with the situation, I would tolerate it for the time being.

On the bright side, it's not long at all now until Naruto and Sakura come to visit. T-minus thirty minutes, actually. I cannot tell you how excited I am at the prospect. Before I decided to write this entry, I was staring at the clock, counting down the minutes. Even though I have both the boss and my brother here, I truly, desperately, wish to see my friends. I missed them before the accident, and I only got to see then for a paltry few hours before my brain was knocked into a three-day coma. I find this terribly unfair, so the two-hour visiting allowance Konoha General generously provide from 7:00 till 9:00pm will, I hope, go some way toward satiating that particular longing.

Tsunade is back from her ski-trip, so she's coming along with Sakura. The boss said this was most likely out of a twisted desire to inspect Dr Tenma's surgical workmanship, but I think he was joking. (At least, I hope he was joking. I can imagine Tsunade doing that, which is worrying.) Naruto, of course, is bringing Jiraiya. This makes sense because Jiraiya is acting as his chauffeur at the moment since Naruto cannot drive with the broken wrist.

It's good that Tsunade and Jiraiya are coming along. I don't think the boss would be able to handle being stuck in a room with just Naruto and Sakura for two hours. Especially Naruto, since I have been reliably informed by my brother that Naruto still wants to knock the boss's teeth out.

Perhaps Jiraiya and Tsunade will take him out for coffee for a while? That would be the sensible thing to do...

LATER:  
10:20pm

Tonight was strange. Not strange in a bad way, because I thoroughly enjoyed myself hobbling around the ward on crutches with Naruto and Sakura (yes, you heard it here first, folks! Uchiha Sasuke is officially back on two legs once more! Two legs good, four legs... an acceptable compromise if one is recovering from a car accident.)

It was strange because something happened about five minutes ago that gave me pause, and now I'm sitting here, with the TV on in the background, thinking about it and wondering.

The news of it first came out when Naruto and Sakura appeared bang on the hour at seven, with Jiraiya and Tsunade in tow. I knew they were coming because I could hear Naruto shouting "SASUKE! SASUKEEEEEEEEE, WE'RE HERE! AUUUUHHHH, OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA PEEEEEE!" I also knew he was either capering around in circles or running flat out because his trainers squeaked loudly all the way down the corridor. I could hear Sakura snapping at him to "Slow down, Naruto, or you'll trip and hurt your wrist again!" It was strange, but just the sound of their voices caused a little flutter of longing. They were there. Right there. Just round the corner...

From his chair, Itachi looked up and shook his head amusedly. "I think that might be Naruto," he said.

"Really?" the boss said waspishly. "Whatever gave that away—?"

_BAM!_

The door flew open with an obnoxiously loud bang and all three of us jumped, heads whipping round to the source of the noise.

And there, in the door frame, resplendent in an orange and black adidas tracksuit and black trainers, stood Naruto. His hair was wild, as though he hadn't brushed it for days. His eyes were wild, as though he hadn't seen me for a few years, never mind a few days. He even smelt wild, as though he hadn't been for a shower for a week and figured covering himself in a whole can of lynx Africa would prove an acceptable substitute. He sported a rictus grin – all white teeth and pointy incisors – and he simply oozed wildness from every stinky pore when he threw back his head, began to beat his chest and yelled,

"SASUKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! SASUKE, SASUKE, SASUKE!"

"Um... hello, Naruto," I offered by way of greeting, sitting up in my bed and trying hard not to laugh because I knew it would offend him.

"YOU'RE TOTALLY BETTER!" he howled, grinning and jumping up and down on the spot.

"Well... I'm awake," I qualified sensibly, but Naruto wouldn't hear of it.

"NO. NO, SASUKE. YOU'RE TOTALLY BETTER NOW!" Naruto roared, and my eardrums burst, causing fluid to pour from my cochlea in torrents. Then he turned over his shoulder and shouted down the corridor, "SAKURA-CHAAAAAAN! C'MERE QUICK AND LOOK! I TOLD YOU! SASUKE'S TOTALLY BETTER NOW!"

"Naruto, calm down. We can hear you outside, you lug head—" I heard Sakura snap before she too rounded the corner and, slowly, hesitantly, peeked inside.

As soon as she saw me, she gasped, her hands flying to her mouth, and her eyes filled with tears. She was wearing a thick, berry-red Superdry hoodie, a black knit dress, leggings and scarf, and stripy gloves that were flecked with melting flakes of snow. Her nose was red from cold. She had trailed dirty melt water all along the corridor and it was dripping off her boots and had begun to pool at her feet. In the back of my mind, I thought to myself, "Her mum's going to kill her for that." The thought was silly, and I couldn't help but smile.

"Hi, Sakura!" I said, trying out a little wave with my gimpy drip hand.

"Oh god, Sasuke," she whispered, stepping forward instinctively, her arms outstretched, to hug me, before she flinched, looking for a brief moment uncertain. Her eyes flickered to the boss and my brother. "A-Are we allowed to hug him?" she asked with a nervous laugh. "I don't know what the rules are here."

"You are allowed one hug each," the boss said, serving as Grand High Hug Rationer. "Be gentle. His bruises are still tender and his head is still giving him a bit of pain."

Permission granted, the next thing I knew, Naruto had taken one side of the bed and Sakura the other and I had their arms wrapped around my neck.

"Oh, Sasuke!" Sakura sobbed into my shoulder, covering the brand spanking new Hermès tee Itachi bought me earlier in salty tears and meltwater.

"Sasukeeeeee," Naruto mewled pathetically into my other shoulder. Thankfully, there were no tears from his end, but – for some reason known only to himself – he decided to rub his nose against my shoulder and, when he pulled away, left a little silver snail trail of snot on my perfectly black t-shirt. Typical. There for less than a minute and he had already ruined my clothing.

"Naruto, whoa..." I complained, just as Jiraiya and Tsunade appeared, carrying extra chairs under their arms with a great deal of theatrical huffing and puffing. "I'm happy to see you, but this thing is Hermès, okay? Less of the nose fluids please, if that's at all possible."

"Haha, sorry dude. I'll try and keep the leakage to a minimum."

"Bit of luxury to cover up your bruises, eh, kid?" Jiraiya said, leaning over and grinning in my face.

"Something like that," I said nonchalantly, as a fervent pride burned secretly in my chest.

Honestly, I do believe I will love Itachi forever for buying me that t-shirt. Costing a bank-balance denting twenty-seven thousand yen, it is an elegant, basic, understated piece of bona-fide power clothing. You can feel the quality when you first eagerly slip the beautiful garment of one-hundred percent, finest quality cotton over your head. But here's the most wonderful thing about it: the H logo is discreetly embroidered – small and secret – on the top left hand corner of the pocket, the thread in almost the same colour as the shirt itself. It does not need to boast of its quality, for at a glance, it speaks for itself. I think my Hermès tee and I are going to become very good friends. My brother knows me far too well.

"You're surprised, Jiraiya?" Tsunade quipped, shooting me a sly look. "This is Sasuke we're talking about. He has been thoroughly spoiled by Orochimaru."

"Ha, wrong!" I retorted, with a smirk. (I love it when Tsunade is wrong. It doesn't happen often, so of course I gloated while I had the chance.) "It was Itachi's fault this time."

From his chair, my brother looked up from his cupcake book only long enough to hold up his hands in acknowledgement of his role in the spoiling process.

"Who gave you the beanie, though? It's hella cool!" Naruto said, reaching out a hand to touch it, only for his unbroken wrist to be slapped down by Sakura.

"No touching, Naruto!"

"Oww! Jeez..."

"Mrs Sarutobi knitted it for me," I answered. "It's really comfortable and it doesn't tug at the staples at all."

"Wait, you've got staples in your head?" Naruto breathed, eyes wide. "No way, that is screwed up, man. Can I see them?"

It was then that the boss decided to pipe up and spoil things. He was doing rather well up until then.

"Astounding. Absolutely astounding," he said, snidely. "You were here in hospital for two days, proclaim to care more than anyone else about Sasuke-kun, yet neglected to note that particular and very obvious and essential part of his operation? You _are_ dense."

Naruto whirled round, his eyes smouldering with anger.

"Shut up, dickhead," he seethed, through gritted teeth. "I thought they were stitches. No one asked you!"

Beside me, Jiraiya sighed and slumped in his chair, pinching the bridge of his nose and muttered, "Here we go again." Evidently, this was not the first time such a skirmish had occurred between Naruto and the boss.

"I was merely making an observation, an activity evidently foreign to you," the boss retorted smoothly. "I did discuss with Dr Tenma your painfully sub-normal intelligence, but alas, I don't think any amount of surgical intervention could retrieve the pathetic, lonely crumb of a cell rattling around that cavernous excuse for a brain."

I swear, I could hear Naruto's teeth grinding.

"Go fuck yourself, Oro."

The boss smiled nastily. "Fortunately, I am rather flexible, so I am fairly certain that could be arranged," he replied.

"Creep," Naruto spat.

"Useless tumour."

"Jerk."

"Turgid lump."

"Asshole."

"Awful, irritating, little cunt—"

"RIGHT!" Tsunade barked, slapping her knees as she pushed herself to her feet. "I have heard enough! Orochimaru, Jiraiya, you two come with me _right now_, and we'll leave these three to chat for a bit— And don't you dare look at me like that, Oro. You've had Sasuke to yourself all morning. Let the kids have some time to themselves."

The boss did not like that at all. Sensing defeat, he made an odd, snarling noise in the back of his throat, and swept out of the room in a thunderous mood – Naruto's smouldering glare burning his back all the way. Tsunade marched out smartly behind him and Jiraiya followed, puffing out his cheeks, his hands in his pockets. As he got to the door, Jiraiya turned and said, "I'll give it twenty minutes before he's charging back up here. You kids behave yourselves and make the most of it while he's gone. And remember what I said," he added significantly, pointing at Naruto, who rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered, scuffing his trainers on the linoleum. "Oro's a button-pusher and I've not to let him get to me."

Satisfied, Jiraiya nodded and punctuated this nod with a manly sniff. "Good man. Knew I could count on you. Later."

With a wave, Jiraiya strode off down the corridor. I could hear him whistling all the way.

There was a brief, but awkward pause.

Then I sighed and said to Naruto, "You still hate him?"

It wasn't a question. I already knew the answer, of course, but I didn't really want to have to deal with it while I was still in hospital. Hopefully (somewhat foolishly, others might think) I had entertained the delusion that a magical sort of reconciliation akin to the tentative and apparently one-sided situation with the boss and my brother might also have occurred between the boss and Naruto in the three days following the accident. I am not sure why I thought that now. I mean, seriously, who was going to engineer _that_ in my absence? The reconciliation fairies?

"Yeah, I still hate him!" Naruto fumed. "I wanna punch his fat face in every time I see him! I know you like him and everything, dude, but the shit he pulled in October was just low. And before you're all like, 'Yeah but he only did it because he likes me,' or whatever, I know that. I know all that shit. Jiraiya told me. I know why he did it, but it was still low. Why the hell are you sticking with him?"

Managing a small shrug, I said, "I just like him, Naruto. I can't help it."

"But seriously, Sasuke—" Naruto began to protest before I overrode him.

"Naruto, listen to me," I asserted. "Before _you_ start going on about his many faults and about how much of a horrible person he is, believe me, if anyone knows about his many faults, it's me. I'd like to think I know him pretty well by now, which is why I know that when he said he regretted what he did, he meant it."

"But, Sasuke—!"

"No. He meant it, Naruto," I said with absolute conviction, "and I know it. I realise there is no way I'll be able to convince you, but you'll just have to trust me on this one. I like him. I can't help it. My feelings for him will not remove themselves no matter how hard I try – and believe me, I've tried. He's like rust. Or mildew. Or a really persistent rash. It's weird..."

"Like syphilis?" Sakura enquired, with an all-too-innocent expression. "You can get treatment for that, you know."

"Har har," I said witheringly, as Naruto began to snort with gormless laughter. I don't know why he was laughing. As if he knows what syphilis is. Then again, Jiraiya _is_ his godfather. Colour me thus unsurprised.

"My significant other is not a STI," I went on. "Can we get off this topic of conversation, please?"

"Look, we just want to know that you'll be okay," Sakura said more gently, laying her hand on mine. "Everyone was worried sick when you disappeared before Christmas. It wasn't like you. Anyone who could make you act that way..."

"It won't happen again," I reassured her. "Honestly, Sakura," I added, crossing my heart even though I don't hold with such idiotic superstitions – _that_ was how much I wanted to convince her. "We had a chat at Christmas and we established a few ground rules. I don't want to go into it any further, but suffice it to say, I believe that he meant what he said, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, we get it dude," Naruto said, laughing and shaking his head. "You still like him. I think you're totally insane, but whatever."

"Maybe I am. Did you ever think about that?" I said slyly.

"Hmm... you did hit your head pretty hard," Sakura mused.

"Must run in your family too, dude! Your bro's over there reading a cupcake book!" Naruto called out. Then he paused for a moment, looked warily from left to right, and, lowering his voice dramatically, nudged me and whispered, "Dude, I didn't want to say, but I think Itachi thinks he's a girl!"

Itachi, of course, heard every word. This is because Naruto, despite being my best friend, is a dyed-in-the-wool moron and does not realise that what he believes to be a whisper, is instead the hammiest stage whisper of the hammiest ham actor ever to tread the boards of the ham actors' guild theatre – a whisper which never fails to carry its obnoxious tones to the rafters.

"So you think I am a girl because I enjoy baking?" Itachi intoned, not lifting his eyes from the pages. "An interesting point-of-view..."

"That's right, you big cake-baking, girly man!" Naruto exclaimed happily, before he leapt to his feet and, pointing at Itachi, began to chant, "Girly man! Girly man! Girly, girly baking man!"

With a regretful sigh, Itachi flipped the page and said, "Well, Naruto-kun, in that case I suppose you will not be wanting the meticulously crafted birthday cake I have been planning to make you for the past few years..."

Naruto's reaction was absolutely priceless.

"Wait... did you say birthday cake?" he breathed, his eyes wide like saucers. "You can make birthday cakes? Dude, you never said anything about a birthday cake! What kind of birthday cake?"

"I was considering a Batman cake."

Of course, Itachi knew what he was doing. Anyone who has known Naruto for any length of time knows full well just how much he loves Batman. He owns at least three Batman t-shirts, has Batman pyjamas, had Batman bed sheets when he was ten, owns all the comics and graphic novels, has a full collection of Batman villain figurines – boxed and unboxed for display – and almost had a seizure when the release date for Arkham City was announced. It is fair to say that Naruto loves Batman. It is also fair to say that the prior statement is also an understatement.

"DAMN, DUDE! I WOULD PEE OVER _EVERYTHING_ IF YOU MADE ME A BATMAN CAKE!" Naruto wailed, bouncing agitatedly in his chair. "And it would freakin' awesome too, because everything you do is beyond awesome!"

"That is a shame," Itachi said lightly, having since turned to the page instructing the reader on how best to construct edible roses, "because making a Batman cake for someone's birthday would be a girly thing to do, would it not, Naruto?"

Immediately, the back-pedalling and excuses poured forth.

"B-But, Itachi, making a Batman cake isn't girly!" he urged desperately. "Batman's cool! A Batman cake is a manly cake!"

"You said it yourself, though, Naruto. Baking, in itself, you consider a feminine activity. Making a Batman cake, however masculine the intent and outcome, requires the fundamental step of baking, a feminine activity. Therefore, by baking at all, I would still be committing the offence of perceived femininity."

"Eh?"

"He means you'd still think he was girly because he's still making a cake," I offered, translating seamlessly from Itachistani into Narutovian.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?" Naruto whined, his face a genuine picture of misery. "Dude, no, that's totally not what I'm saying!"

"I would likely have constructed a miniature Gotham city," Itachi went on, further twisting the knife, "with Batman crouching atop a building – his cape fluttering behind him in the chill wind of the night. It is a great shame..."

"Itachiiiiiiiiiiiii," Naruto wailed, "I'm sorry! Baking's totally cool and manly and cupcakes are awesome! Please make me the Batman cake! Please?"

"Naruto, you don't have to beg Itachi, you know," Sakura interrupted. "You could always ask Ayame. She's great at baking. Remember that cake she made for Kiku in November? The dark chocolate one with the raspberries and the lattice all round the sides?"

"Aww yeah..." Naruto said dreamily, his eyes turning misty. "Man, Sasuke," he said, "you should've _seen_ this cake. If you were around back then, we would've totally invited you to Jiraiya's for Kiku's birthday because it tasted like sex, only way better. It was all squidgy and chocolatey. It was like a raspberry and a chocolate bar were making squidgy, tasty babies in your mouth. Chouji had one slice and he totally jizzed."

"She is really good," Sakura agreed. "I always said she should go professional, since her dad's trained up Nishi and Matsu, but she loves working at Ichiraku Ramen, too."

"Sakura!" Naruto cried, aghast, as though she had suggested sacrificing his first born. "Ayame always gives me extra helpings! Her, leave the best ramen joint in the country? No way!"

"Well, she'll have to take time off at some point," Sakura admonished, before following up this entirely innocuous statement by casually dropping in a super-massive nugget of gossip of such density that it temporarily sucked all cogent thought from my brain.

"She'll have to take time off at some point," Sakura said oh-so-casually, "before she has her baby."

Before she has her baby.

Her fucking baby.

I was astonished. I was astounded and amazed. I was bewildered, surprised and staggered. Clearly, having been through the thesaurus and recorded the appropriate entries in alphabetical order, I can safely say that when Sakura dropped that hefty clanger into the conversation, I was all of those things. Naturally, I had many questions I wanted to ask – many urgent questions clamouring for my attention – but I decided to take my time, sift through them methodically, and choose the most pressing with careful consideration.

At length, I chose, and having chosen, I expressed that choice aloud.

"_ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHAT FUCKING BABY?_" I yelled, with an angry flail.

"Shh!" Sakura hissed fiercely, looking from side to side in case anyone was listening in at the door. "Not everyone knows, okay, so keep it down!"

"_You_ know!" I said, accusingly. "And Naruto knows, so to be honest – and no offence, Naruto – I'm surprised the whole damn world doesn't know!"

"We weren't supposed to know, Sasuke!" Sakura explained with a pained expression. "We... we went round to see Jiraiya on Christmas Eve and we were there when she found out. Kiku found the pregnancy tester and, well, you know how she gets when she's excited..."

"She blabbed," I said baldly.

"Not... exactly," Sakura said, fidgeting and avoiding my eye. "It was kind of my fault. I'd had a few glasses of wine and Naruto and I wandered into the kitchen and saw Kiku dancing around and squealing into a cushion. I mean, it was obvious she was excited about something, so I wanted to know what was going on..."

Cringing, Sakura trailed off, tugging at her gloves in agitation.

I knew Sakura, therefore I also knew exactly what had transpired. Sighing, I performed a major mental facepalm and said, "You kept at her until she told you, didn't you?"

"I didn't mean it, Sasuke," she moaned, her head falling into her hands. "I told you I'd had a few glasses of wine already, and I didn't think it would be anything big like that."

"Does Ayame know that you know?"

"Yeah," she said, running a hand through her hair. "Kiku told her that she'd told us. She was upset at first, but she says she's glad we know now because she still hasn't told her dad yet."

"I don't blame her," I muttered, recalling the frozen prawns incident at Lee's birthday a few years ago.

"And Jiraiya and Kiku know, obviously, but that's it," Sakura said, desperately. "Sasuke, Itachi, please... you can't tell anyone. She's not even sure if she's going to keep it. No one was supposed to know at all."

"Is Ayame alright?" my brother inquired.

"I don't know," Sakura answered honestly. "She seems okay, but something about her just keeps telling me that she's not. Not really. She's still going to work every day and she's putting a brave face on it, laughing and joking with the customers, but sometimes, she turns her back and when she thinks no one can see her, she looks like she's going to cry."

"Who's the father, then?" I demanded, feeling at that moment as though a good, hard curb-stomping would be an appropriate action to take if I ever laid eyes on the bastard. "Tell me it's not Iruka or Kakashi."

Naruto shook his head. "Nope. Iruka's got a long-distance, online thing going on with this Samui chick from Kumogakure, and Kakashi's seeing a really hot brunette called Mei. They kinda gave up on Ayame after Joyland."

"Good," I said, feeling my fists clench. "I wouldn't like to have to break any of their legs. But who is it? Has she mentioned anything? Anything at all?"

"She hasn't said a thing," Sakura replied sadly. "Either she doesn't know, or does know and isn't telling."

"Well, what's she going to do about her dad?" I urged. "At least Kiku had Jiraiya around and they were able to stay with us at the boss's. What's she going to do when her dad finds out. He will go berserk, you may depend upon it!"

"Like I said, Sasuke," she hasn't made up her mind yet whether she's going to keep it or not. Telling her dad might not even be an issue. It's really hard for her."

"Yeah, well, she can't wait forever," I said, brusquely. "She's going to have to make up her mind soon. I mean, seriously, how in the hell is she going to raise a child on her own with a ramen waitress's wage – if she's even able to stay in the job when her dad inevitably finds out and most likely fires her?"

"Sasuke, you are exaggerating," Itachi intoned.

"I am not!" I retorted, outraged. "You weren't around at Lee's party when Teuchi-san showed up and almost killed Jiraiya."

"He did go totally mental, dude," Naruto added, backing me up. "And then when Kiku called him from Oro's place to explain, he said he didn't want to see her again. It was serious, man."

"Ayame is different—"

"Yes, Itachi. Ayame is different," I insisted, "different in the sense that Kiku and Jiraiya were only going out at the time and she could've broken up with him and could've come home and everything would have been normal. If Ayame has that kid, it's not going to be like that for her."

"Jiraiya has already said he'd help out if she needs it – starting a trust fund, getting the kid's name on the Academy Register, that sort of thing," Sakura reassured. "She's not going to be totally alone."

"Yeah, and I'll help!" Naruto said, bristling with purpose and pride. "And you can help too, Sasuke. You've got loads of money now!"

"Somehow, I don't think money is the main issue here," I reminded them pointedly.

My remark brought Naruto and Sakura down to earth with a bump. There was an awkward silence.

"Well, thank you very much for letting slip that snippet of information," I muttered eventually. "It's really cheered me up."

"I'm sorry, Sasuke," Sakura said, seeming genuinely contrite. "Me and my big mouth, honestly..."

"Look, it's alright," I said, with a sigh. "I don't know why I was so angry, really. It was just the shock of it, that's all. I would never have expected it from Ayame."

"Me neither," Sakura admitted. "It's all really strange."

"But you can make it up to me," I announced, keen on changing the subject from something less depressing. "Grab those crutches from under the boss's bed. They're quite far back because he's been hiding them from me. I'm going to try and go for a walk – and the two of you can help me."

In a flash, Naruto was on his feet and rummaging under the camp bed. "No problem, dude!" he called out, his voice slightly muffled. "Hey, and we can ask if we can borrow a wheelchair too, just in case you get wobbly, or something!"

"Good idea," I agreed, feeling an unwelcome wave of nausea sweep through me as Sakura and Itachi helped me swing my legs over the side.

"What are you going to do about your drip?" Itachi asked, pointing at the offending tube that was still attached to my arm.

"Give me a moment and I might be able to chew it off," I said, cheerfully.

"Don't you dare!" Sakura admonished – her expression so like her mother's in that moment that I started laughing.

"I was joking, Sakura!" I explained, to no avail. Sakura's hands were on her hips as though she were expecting me at any moment to lean over and start gnawing. It was an ominous gesture.

"Hold on and I'll get my mum and she can come take it out," she said, severely. "I don't want you doing anything stupid. I'll be back in a moment."

"I'll go get the wheelchair then!" Naruto hollered, having enthusiastically retrieved the crutches and launched them halfway across the room where they landed with a clatter. "I made friends with this porter guy when I went for my x-rays! I'll text him and tell him I'm coming down to get one! Man, this is gonna be so cool!"

"Is he allowed to do that?" Itachi asked bemusedly, as Naruto sprinted out the door after Sakura.

"I have no idea," I answered. "But it is Naruto, so I'm sure he'll be able to convince someone to defy protocol."

"How is he going to push the wheelchair back here?" Itachi went on, clearly unable to turn off his innate Uchihan logic. "He has a broken wrist."

"You can use one hand, can't you?" I replied, applying my own Uchihan logic to solve the conundrum. "And if he can't, it _is_ Naruto, so I'm sure he'll be able to convince some poor idiot to do the pushing for him. Then, within five seconds of speaking, they'll become fast friends, exchange mobile numbers, won't see each other for years and will meet accidentally at a random time in a random place and it'll be as if they've never parted."

"Naruto has always been very good at making friends," Itachi mused. "That he has put up with you for so long is an indication that he is also good at keeping them."

I shot Itachi a withering look, and my brother looked away, attempting to maintain a carefully neutral expression, though I could see the hint of a smile lurking at the corners of his mouth.

"What's with you? You're in a weird mood today," I said. "Since when do you ever crack jokes?"

And then, with a start, I realised why my brother might have been in such an odd, joke-cracking mood. Had he? Had he actually done it? My heart surged, and I felt light, riding on a sudden wave of optimism. This was it. This was the perfect time to ask. We were alone and no one else was around to put Itachi off.

"I-Itachi..." I ventured nervously, all of a sudden unable to look my brother in the eye. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course. What is it, Sasuke?"

"Umm... I saw Kakuzu earlier on this morning. You were out doing something. I think it was while you went to get me my t-shirt. He was telling me about how Hidan ended up in hospital and... umm... he told me that he'd quit Akatsuki and that Deidara, Sasori and Hidan had too."

"And you want to know if I have followed suit?" Itachi asked.

"Umm... yeah. Pretty much," I said, awkwardly – then, out of desperation, began to gabble, "I mean, you can tell me, Itachi. Seriously, I won't be angry with you if you haven't, it's just that—"

Itachi smiled and shook his head. Then he raised a finger to his lips and I stuttered into silence.

"Do you think I would be able to be here if I had not?" he said quietly.

His answer was everything I had ever hoped for and was as good as an outright yes. My heart was bursting with joy – for me and for my brother – but I forced myself to remain calm. Mainly for Itachi's benefit, because my socially reticent brother does not know how to deal with emotional human beings in his immediate vicinity.

"T-that's cool," I managed to get out, trying and failing miserably to be blasé about the whole thing. "I mean, I should have guessed that, really. As if Uncle Madara would have given you the time off." Then I paused for a moment, before adding, "Itachi, I just hope that before you walked out of there, you told him to eat a dick, or something. Because, seriously, he deserves it."

Itachi's only reply was a mysterious smile.

"You better have," I admonished, suddenly very keen on the idea. "If I find out that you waited and handed in your official notice, I might have to smack you."

"Then I am sorry to disappoint, Sasuke. I did have to think very hard about it."

"Wait, are you kidding me?" I asked, in disbelief. "What was there to think about?"

Itachi's eyes turned briefly skyward as he paused to consider his reply to me. Then he sighed, and said, "Lots of things. I do not particularly wish to go into them, but suffice it to say, matters accumulated to a point where I could not take it any longer, and I told him that. That was all. Nothing more than that. Then he said he wished me well, and I cleared out my desk and left."

Itachi's words caused an odd, prickling feeling of dread to creep down and settle into my heart as it slowly began to dawn on me what Itachi's defiance could mean for him.

"So, do you think he'll do anything?" I asked quietly, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"I am certain of it."

"If he tries anything, I will fucking destroy him," I stated coldly, meaning absolutely every single word of it. "I'm not even kidding. I will use every contact I have ever made and will pull every string I have ever attached to anyone I have ever met in my life. If he dares to even try _anything_, if he comes near you, if he calls or emails or texts you even once, he is done."

There was a long pause, during which I bristled with determination and Itachi observed me with a sad sort of smile. Then he reached out and, with two fingers, gently poked me on the forehead.

"And how are you going to do that when you're in this state?" he asked.

"I can beat him to death with my crutches," I replied, only half-joking. "I'm sure it's been done before. Homeless guys must do it all the time. You always see them wandering around with crutches."

"Sasuke..." my brother admonished.

"What? It's true!" I insisted. "If you walk to downtown Konoha – walk, don't drive, that's the secret – and you head along by the Tanzaku underpass, there are loads of them down there. At least three of them will have crutches. Two of them won't even need the damned things."

Exasperated, Itachi shook his head. I was going to press the matter further, to prove to him that I was right about hobos and crutches (and I am – I am not letting this go) but at that point Naruto appeared with the wheelchair and Sakura with her mum, and once the drip was removed, I was whisked away.

Despite my belligerent protests to the contrary, when it finally came down to it, I was not quite ready to walk. I did try – managing to hobble down the entire length of the corridor with Itachi at one side and Sakura at the other – but I got there out of sheer, bloody-minded determination, rather than any sort of genuine wellness on my part, and by the time I touched the wall at the other end, I felt nauseous, and asked Naruto to bring the wheelchair over.

It was at that point, the boss decided to reappear (exactly twenty minutes after he left. Jiraiya knows him far too well.) He was wearing a rather tired, fractious expression and was looking up and down the corridor in concern, clearly searching for me. Jiraiya and Tsunade followed behind at a slower pace, chatting away to each other quite the thing.

"Was the coffee not good enough then?" I called out, as he spotted me and strode along the corridor at a cracking pace. Naruto huffed and stepped back, folding his arms.

"How dare you have the temerity to call what they serve here coffee, Sasuke-kun," he said amusedly, his fractious frown all but dissipated (when he no doubt realised that everything was okay and that I hadn't met an unfortunate end and been wheeled down to the morgue in his twenty-minute absence).

"You're such a hot beverage snob," I shot back, as the boss knelt down on the squeaky clean linoleum and observed me closely while I sat in the wheelchair – looking me up and down, taking my hands and turning them over in his, smoothing the strands of hair poking out my beanie away from my face.

"Who took the drip out?" he asked, spotting it straight away.

"Sakura's mum," I replied. "Didn't want to have to drag all my equipment out here. There's no way I could've raced anyone with all that trailing behind me."

The look of horror on the boss's face was priceless.

"Sasuke-kun, you are _not_ to race anyone, do you hear me—?" he began, before he spotted the smirk on my face.

"Ha, ha, ha. Hook, line and sinker," I gloated, triumphant.

"Strange," the boss mused, his fingers tracing the outline of his thin lips. "I suddenly feel very much like grabbing that wheelchair and pushing you down the stairs." Then he flashed a wolfish grin and leaned over to kiss me, apparently satisfied with my condition.

"Did you walk?" he asked.

"He did," Itachi answered. "The whole length of the corridor."

"Really?" the boss said, shooting me a curious look. "That's rather a long way. No problems with your coordination?"

"Nope," I said, truthfully. "I'm just a bit weak and shaky. I felt pretty sick at the end of it, but I'm okay now I'm sitting down."

"ALRIGHT, WHEELS McGEE? HOW'S IT GOING? BACK ON TWO LEGS YET?" Jiraiya called out as he ambled over and tossed me a big bag of Skittles, which landed square in my lap.

"Oh, thanks!" I said, picking them up and making a valiant attempt at tearing off a corner with my teeth. Neji must've passed on my request. Must remember to thank him later. "Hidan ate the rest of mine earlier, the fat prick. And yeah, I had a go at walking."

"He was great, man!" Naruto added, happily. "Itachi was all like, 'Sasuke, maybe you should sit down', but Sasuke was like, "No way, bro! I am all over this walking shit!' and he totally did it."

"That's excellent, Sasuke," Tsunade said, raising her eyebrows as though she couldn't quite believe it. Beside her, the boss smiled vaguely, which led me to believe that he was working along the same lines. "Really. I'm surprised."

I shrugged and pretended it was nothing, but inside, I burned with pride.

"Still, he mustn't overdo it," the boss cut in smoothly, "otherwise he is at serious risk of doing himself damage and delaying his recovery."

"What? You wanting him back at work, or something?" Naruto scoffed, loitering darkly on the fringes of our little gathering.

Jiraiya must have had a chat with the boss, for he turned to Naruto, smiled serenely and said, "Absolutely. The sooner he is ready for work, the sooner his recovery will have taken place." But old habits die hard, and I saw him mouth to Naruto – an action that went unnoticed by Jiraiya – _"Nice try, little shit."_

I sighed, and decided that if the two of them were intent on duking it out during visiting hours, then they could do it in my room and not out in public in the corridor. I announced very clearly that I wished to head back to bed for a bit, and Naruto almost fell over himself in his haste to be _the_ one to push me back along the corridor.

"COME ON, DUDE! I'LL TAKE YOU!" he yelled cheerfully, and before I knew it, I was speeding along the corridor, knocking nurses out of the way with my broken ankle.

"HA HA, IT'S LIKE WE'RE JOUSTING!" Naruto roared, gleefully. "STICK YOUR LEG OUT MORE, SASUKE! HEY, TENMA-SENSEI, GET OUTTA THE WAY!"

I know Naruto meant well, but he really is a walking disaster. We only went round the corner, but on the way, he managed to bump into three nurses, scraped Dr Tenma's shins, and clattered off every single trolley that had been parked up against the walls. By the time the boss and Itachi took me off his hands and helped me back into bed, I was a nervous wreck. The boss re-connected my drip, though, and I treated myself to some painkillers as a reward for my exertions, which helped tremendously.

When the nausea had abated and my bruise-pain had calmed down to a dull roar, I peeled off my beanie and let Tsunade inspect my head-staples (the boss was so right about that, by the way.) It was round about then there came the rather loud, insistent knock on my door that heralded the arrival of the Akatsuki mob. I knew it was them, because I could hear Deidara chattering away on the other side.

Everyone studiously ignored them at first, but when the hammering escalated to an unacceptable volume, the boss huffed, pushed himself off the camp bed and stomped over to the door. Throwing it open, he looked down his nose at Deidara, who had paused mid-knock, one arm frozen in the air, the other one clutching a fruit-basket to his chest. Behind him, stood Kisame, Sasori and Kakuzu, who were all bearing gifts of some sort. Balloons and cards – the usual stuff.

"What?" the boss said, acidly.

"Oh hey, Oro," Deidara said, in his most simpering, innocent tone. "We were just coming over to visit Saucy-kins. Kakuzu said he's not dead, so we brought stuff."

"Kakuzu has already spoken to Sasuke-kun," the boss replied, coldly. "He does not need any more visitors."

At the back, Kakuzu rolled his eyes and pushed his way forward.

"Fuck off, Oro," he said, dismissing the boss outright. "I just bought the kid a whole load of stuff and the shop doesn't take returns, so he's getting it!"

Shouldering the boss out of the way, Kakuzu breezed in, with the rest sauntering in behind. The four of them dumped their presents at the end of my bed – glad to be rid of their inconvenient burdens – and then, after cursing and jostling for position, managed to squeeze their four, fat arses onto the boss's camp bed. His position temporarily usurped, the boss instead decided to stand by the door with his arms folded, glaring at his ex-colleagues.

"Umm... thanks guys," I said, as Sakura stepped forward and tied Kisame's "Get Well" balloon to the head of my bed.

"Open my present first, it's brilliant, Sasuke!" Deidara exclaimed, modestly, picking up a small parcel wrapped in brown paper and thrusting it in my face.

Shrugging, I took it and tore open the wrapping. It was a flip-book of a stick man ploughing a car into a tree. I forced an expression of grateful happiness.

"Wow... that's... that's umm... really nice, Deidara. Thanks," I said, handing the offending gift to my brother, who flipped through it and frowned.

"Yeah, it took me ages to think up what to get you," Deidara replied brightly. "Sasori gave me the idea."

I raised an eyebrow at Sasori, who looked back at me and shook his head, absolving himself of all responsibility.

"And it was fun doing your present, Sasuke," Deidara went on. "It's been great! I've had loads of time to do fun stuff now that we've quit."

Naruto, Jiraiya, Tsunade and Sakura's heads all turned at the news, each wearing identical expressions of shock. I had forgotten they hadn't been told yet.

"Dude, what?" Naruto interrupted, a half-disbelieving smile on his face. "You quit Akatsuki? Seriously?"

"That's right," Kakuzu said, proudly. "We are officially no longer Uchiha Madara's butt-monkeys."

"Kisame quit this morning," Sasori added, nudging his ex-colleague, who flashed a toothy grin and nodded in confirmation, "and Nagato and Konan went the day before."

"That is the coolest thing ever," Naruto breathed, his eyes wide and brimming with happiness, as if all his Christmases had come at once.

"Wow, if all of you have went, then that's really going to mess with the company," Sakura added. "How is Madara planning to keep it going?"

"Don't give a shit," Kakuzu stated bluntly. "I start my new job in two weeks. I'm pretty much over Akatsuki."

"That was quick. Where are you heading?" Jiraiya inquired.

"Right here in Fire Country," Kakuzu answered. "You ain't getting rid of me that easy. I'm working with Hidan's stupid cult. They need a secular accountant because the last one bled to death during a ritual."

"I don't think you're supposed to call it that anymore, Kakuzu," Deidara said, with an evil grin. "It's a _religion_. Your new Jashin crew wouldn't be happy if they heard you blaspheming like that."

"Cram it, kid. I get enough of that crap from Hidan. I don't need to hear it from you."

"I still cannot believe you took that job," Sasori said lazily. "You'll be working with Hidan until the day you die."

"Is that any different to you sticking with Deidara?" Kakuzu countered. "The job pays well, I get eight weeks' annual leave a year, and I get weekends off. That's manna from heaven compared with the crap I've put up with Akatsuki, for, what, twenty years? If that means I have to work with Hidan for the rest of eternity, I'll take it."

"I didn't know you had quit, Kisame," I cut in, feeling strangely proud of my brother's best work buddy. "What are you thinking of doing?"

"Not sure yet," Kisame said, looking thoughtful. "I was sick of all the lies and the crap being fed to me day after day at Akatsuki, and I've been working for your uncle for so long now that I don't even know what's right and what's wrong anymore. I never got the chance to go to uni when I was younger. I was thinking I might like to go back and do a course, or something. Philosophy at Konoha looks like it might be okay."

"That's a good bet," Jiraiya agreed. "I took that for a couple of years before I decided on my major. Ha, I bet the some of the same lecturers are still there."

"What was your major?" Kisame asked.

"Literature," Jiraiya replied. "It was cool. Oro took the shine off it, though, when he started letting my supervisor bone him in our front room."

"Ahahaha, gross!" Deidara cackled, as I shot a dark look at the boss. He hadn't told me _that_ one.

"Not my fault," the boss replied, serenely, turning his nose up. "Jiraiya made a bet that I wouldn't lose my virginity and I proved him wrong."

"Jeez, Oro, a lecturer? What is wrong with you?" Kisame said, shaking his head at the boss in despair.

"You know what his problem is?" Kakuzu offered, "He just does not know where the lines are. Remember that time he accidentally fucked Hidan's mum?"

My jaw dropped, and my brain decided, for the sake of my sanity, that I did not want to hear that particular tale.

Bristling with outrage, I called out, "Umm... can we drop this? I don't think I like the way this conversation is going."

But Kakuzu cut across me, and said smoothly, "Shut up, Sasuke. I need to tell this one because it's funny," and before I could protest any further, he plunged right in to his sordid tale of early Akatsuki group shenanigans.

"Right. So, Hidan had just joined about two weeks before, and we were all hanging out in this bar we liked in River Country, except Oro because he was back at HQ, working late. We're getting along like a house on fire, giving Hidan hell because he was the new guy and that's how it went, when his phone starts ringing. He shuts up and whips out his brick phone – cause it was fifteen years ago, or something. There was no caller ID back then, so he answers and listens for a bit, then says, "I need to take this call. Back in a sec."

"He troops out, then troops in, and announces that his mum had come to visit him, but that she was back at the HQ because that was the address Hidan had given her. He said he had to go back and pick her up, and we told him to stay for a bit and not be a pussy, but he whined and bitched and moaned so much that Itachi agreed to drive him back to HQ, pick up his mum, drop her off at his house, and then drive him back to the bar.

"We were gonna stay at the bar and hold the fort, but then Kisame mentioned that he'd seen a picture of Hidan's mum and said she was hot, so we all hopped into the car in case there was a chance we'd get lucky. Dunno why Konan came along. I think she was just there.

"Anyway, it was a half-hour drive to get to HQ, so by the time we got there and got parked, it had been ages since the phone call. So, we get inside and Konan asks the girl at reception if she'd seen Hidan's mum, and the girl was like, "Yeah, I just sent her straight up..."

Kakuzu trailed off for a moment, shaking his head and grinning at the awful recollection. Deidara, Sasori and Kisame began to smirk, clearly knowing what was coming, and my brother rolled his eyes.

"It was amazing," he went on. "Absolutely amazing. When we opened the door to the office, Oro was right there, full-view, in the corner, with his pants round his ankles, pounding away at Hidan's mum up against the wall next to the photocopier—"

At that point, Deidara could no longer contain himself and exploded into a fit of cackling laughter. Jiraiya joined in and the two of them were roaring, as if they'd heard the finest joke ever told. Tsunade shook her head, but I could tell that, secretly, she found it funny. I, however, did not, and I stared stonily at the boss, who happened to be busy inspecting his fingernails with a bored look on his face.

"I have never heard Hidan scream like that before," Kakuzu added, solemnly. "Never. It was hilarious. He was all high-pitched and shrieky, and he was tearing at his hair, and he was like, _'OH MY GOD, THAT'S MY MUM! THAT'S MY MUM, YOU DICK! HOW COULD YOU?'_

"But Oro," he added slyly, "Oro did not miss a beat. He turned round, real slowly, and looked at us, cool as anything, then turned back to Hidan's mum, grinned and said, 'Pleased to meet you, okaa-san.'"

Up until then, I had been determined not to find Kakuzu's filth-mongering amusing, but at that point I cracked and ended up chortling away with Akatsuki and Jiraiya. I almost felt sorry for Hidan. Almost. I have the funny feeling that, had he been present, fists would have been flying.

"We fucking erupted," Kakuzu said, revelling in the attention and the raucous laughter his tale had generated. "Hidan was so mad, he started throwing stuff, and Oro was laughing and trying to close his kimono while dodging flying ring-binders, and Hidan's mum was just standing there biting her nails and twisting her hair and looking about like there was no-one at home – which was totally true, because she was a silvery-haired, dumb-bint, ex-model who only married Hidan's dad because he was loaded."

"_And_ she is closer to Hidan's age than his dad's," Kisame felt it pertinent to add.

"Bleh, that is majorly creepy," Deidara exclaimed, wrinkling his nose.

At that point, everyone from Konoha was thinking it, but no one dared mention it: Jiraiya, Kiku and Kylie. Kiku is far closer in age to Kylie than Jiraiya. I think Jiraiya realised this, because he stopped laughing and his expression darkened as he began to shuffle around awkwardly in his chair.

"Shut your whore mouth, Deidara," Sasori snapped. "Sai is ten years younger than me."

"Nah, you're okay, Sasori," Kisame said. "The rule is half your age plus seven, which is twenty-four point five. Round that up, and that's Sai."

"Yeah, it's those two perverts you want to watch out for," Kakuzu added, pointedly, directing a significant look at the boss and Jiraiya. "You're okay, Tsunade. You managed to find someone your own age."

"Remind me again, Kakuzu," the boss requested, in a dangerously silky tone, "what was the age of your last girlfriend?"

"Can't remember," Kakuzu said, bluntly.

"That's odd, because I do," the boss said, a nasty smirk playing around his mouth.

"Shut up."

"Exactly," the boss retorted, his eyes flashing dangerously. "Any more of that talk, Kakuzu, and I will hammer you into the ground like a tent peg."

Over on his chair, Jiraiya nodded gravely, as if to back the boss up, and Kakuzu, wisely, decided not to head down the path of no return.

"So that's what that creaking noise was at night!" Deidara said innocently, throwing a wicked, sideways glance at Kakuzu. "It was your ancient, rattling, old bones. I thought it was just the bed banging off the wall!"

Sensing tension, even though I was the one who was recovering from brain surgery, I found it necessary to initiate damage control. I did this by hastily reaching for my Big Bag o' Skittles and loudly offering them to the room. It was a shame. I was really looking forward to them, but no sacrifice is too great when a quiet life is at stake. I might have to ask for another bag later.

As it is the law to pass to the left, the Skittles reached my brother first, who peered inside and picked out some reds and purples, before handing them to Tsunade. They circulated the room and everyone had a handful, but when they reached Sasori, he shook his head.

"Never mind Skittles," he said, "we have champagne in the other room. We were going to crack it open to celebrate our hard-won freedom."

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot. We went to Mall-Mart and bought plastic glasses and everything!" Deidara added, his voice muffled because he was masticating vigorously on a large wad of chewed-up, multicoloured Skittles.

"So how about it?" Sasori ventured, addressing the room. "You want some?"

There followed in response a chorus of positive murmurs. Naruto said, "Hell yeah! Bring it in, man!"

"Even if that means we bring Hidan through?"

The chorus of positive murmurs abated considerably, though after having taken a moment to consider our options, the assembled occupants of the room seemed to come to the collective realisation that, although Hidan's presence was undesirable, alcohol would mollify the retarded effect of Hidan on proceedings, and therefore the condition Sasori laid upon us was an acceptable compromise.

"Hmm... I guess that's okay," Sakura said, speaking for the majority. "You need a hand?"

"Sure. Deidara and I can get the bottles and you carry the glasses. Hidan's room's not far. It's just across the corridor."

Thus, Sasori, Deidara and Sakura disappeared for a brief moment and returned, bearing several clinking bags filled to bursting with plastic glasses and bottles of Krug. They brought Hidan too – still all bandaged up from last night's antics. He stomped through the door with a vague grin on his face and demanded everyone on the camp bed squash up so he could sit down. When he had settled between Kisame and Kakuzu, he grinned widely, and announced, "This is for leaving me in there myself, you dicks!"

Screwing up his face, he farted, and Akatsuki scattered.

"Ugh, gross, Hidan!" Deidara yelled, angrily swatting the air.

"It's only a fart. Shut up and get the wine out, you whiny bitch."

"I'm so glad I'm not working with you anymore," Kisame said, covering his nose up with his shirt. "God, that's disgusting..."

"It's all good, Kisame," Hidan said smugly. "In case you haven't realised, this is where Oro sleeps – and I just released the Kraken all over his bed. My fart particles are in his blankets. Isn't that right, Oro? C'mon, you tell me, you're the scientist."

The boss, still standing by the door, observed Hidan down the length of his nose. His eyes were narrowed, but he smiled and said nothing. I think he knew that, only moments ago, everyone was laughing because he had fucked Hidan's mum by a photocopier fifteen years ago, and the recollection was enough to sustain him.

Over by the window, where he had bolted, Sasori sighed and, picking up one of Itachi's old newspapers, launched the thing at Hidan's head.

"That's it. You're getting the dregs," he said.

"No! No, not fair," Hidan began to whine.

"Yes. Yes, fair," Sasori insisted. "You are a dumb, fucking shit and I hate your face, your emissions, and everything about you."

"I'm in hospital! I'm bandaged up. I should get the first pour! Sasoriiiiiiii..."

I could not believe that we were going to drink that lovely champagne from plastic Mall-Mart glasses, but I kept my mouth shut, in case Sasori took a power-trip and demoted me to dregs or withheld my share – which turned out to be only one glass, as I hadn't eaten much all day and the stuff ended up making me feel woozy.

Once everything was in place, Sasori grabbed a bottle and said, "Who wants to uncork it? I hate doing it. Oro shot me in the eye with a cork once, and I've had an aversion ever since."

With a grin, Jiraiya stepped up to the plate. The moron shook the bottle a couple of times, and kept going until Sakura squeaked at him to stop, and when he popped the cork, the thing fired with such force it made a dent in one of the ceiling tiles. Everyone cheered, and I couldn't help but smile. His task complete, Jiraiya took a bow and relinquished the bottle to Sasori, who began to pour, handing out glasses to everyone in turn.

When he reached Itachi, however, Sasori stopped and regarded him curiously. "Are you celebrating, Itachi?" he asked, quietly.

Everyone's head turned. You could have heard a pin drop, I kid you not. For a moment, I wondered if he was going to tell them.

Then, after a long moment of silence, Itachi smiled and said, "Yes, I am."

For once in their lives, Akatsuki were stunned into silence. All they could do was sit there with their mouths hanging open. Clearly, they were not expecting it. I don't blame them. Even Naruto was shocked. The boss also reacted rather curiously, regarding my brother with a long and calculating look, as though he wasn't quite sure how to deal with that particular piece of information.

In the end, Sasori recovered first. With a shrug, he said, "Would you like a glass then?"

It was my brother's turn to astonish me. He observed the bubbling glass of champagne before him, said, "Why not?", and then _accepted it_.

I heard Deidara gasp, and I swear Kisame's jaw clanged when it hit the floor.

"What the fuck? What's he doing?" Hidan whined quietly, only to be waved into silence by Kakuzu, his carer.

The whole room was silent as we sat and watched as my brother tipped the glass down his throat and announced, "That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. May I have another, Sasori?"

Warily, Sasori refilled Itachi's glass, as though my brother might suddenly decide he regretted it and would place the blame squarely on him.

"Remember it's not a shot, Itachi," a fact Sasori felt necessary to bring to my brother's attention. "You don't have to take it all in one go."

Looking back on it now, I can see why Sasori might have felt apprehensive being part of my brother's first, official alcoholic drinking session. Itachi has never permitted himself to stoop to the unhappy state of inebriation before, so no one knew what kind of drunk he would be. (I am happy to report that my brother is a sleepy drunk. When the Akatsuki lot were kicked out at nine, there was a half-finished bottle left lying by the camp-bed, which Itachi took back to his chair and swigged from until the last drop disappeared – at which point, he tossed the empty bottle in the bin, turned over, curled his legs up and fell asleep. I laughed at him.)

Needless to say, the attention of the room shifted squarely onto my brother, as everyone crowded around, patting him on the back, offering drinking advice, taking photos, and wanting to know the sordid ins-and-outs of what he had said to Uncle Madara before he left. I was left alone for a moment, observing, from my bed – and the boss, spotting a golden opportunity, slinked over and perched on the bed next to me. I shifted slightly, so he could gain a little more purchase, and when he was settled and when we established that, no, he was not going to tug on my drip or hurt my bruises or nudge my ankle, he wrapped an arm around my shoulders and for a blessed moment, we had our own, private little chat.

"How are you feeling?" he murmured, planting a kiss on my beanie.

"Weird," I said. "My brother is drinking. When the hell did that happen?"

"About a minute ago," the boss replied, like a smart-ass. "Will you stop thinking about Itachi and answer me?"

"You mean how do I feel in a medical sense?"

"Yes."

"Tired," I said, honestly. "My head hurts a bit, but only where the staples are, which is an improvement on last night. You'd think, after sleeping for three days that I would have had enough. Apparently not..."

"Sleep is one of the most effective, natural means of healing," the boss explained, as though he were 'enlightening' Kabuto down the in labs. "Your body wants to heal. It is no surprise you are tired."

"Yeah, I guess," I conceded. "But I want to stay awake. At least until everyone heads off. I don't want to miss out on any more of Kakuzu's spectacular stories."

The boss grimaced. "I was hoping not to have to relive that particular experience. If I ever get Kakuzu alone, he is going to regret that ill-conceived broadcast."

"Oh, I don't know," I said, slyly. "It was funny in the end. But are there any more stories like that, lurking around your past, you want to tell me about?"

"Oh, hundreds," the boss said, with a wave of a hand. "Best chalk them all up to a misspent mid-thirties. But what about you?" he asked, turning the tables. "I am sure I am not the only one who has experienced sexual misadventure."

"Hmm... Apart from the stuff you know?" I said, pondering for a moment, before I confessed. "Well, when I first came to Oto Enterprises, before I got together with you, I went to a party at Suigetsu's and I think I might have been in a four-way with Sakon, Ukon and Tayuya."

You should have seen the look on the boss's face. I had no idea his eyebrows could climb so high.

"What do you mean, you 'might have been'?" he demanded.

"I was blind drunk," I said, truthfully. "Couldn't remember a thing when I woke up, but when I did wake up, I was in bed with them."

"Were you clothed?"

"I had my underwear on, but that doesn't mean anything."

"Perhaps I should ask them, before I return to Otogakure and sack them?"

"You are joking, right?"

"Are they still seeing each other, Sakon and Tayuya?"

"Nope. Well, not right now, anyway. They have a regular make-up/break-up cycle. Actually, come to think of it, you won the money on that bet Suigetsu organised the first week I arrived."

"Ha, did I?"

"You did. You should maybe go claim it. There was quite a lot of cash in the end – most of it yours, though."

"Suigetsu will have spent it, no doubt."

"Probably," I agreed, "but you should still ask him."

"He would have a seizure trying to come up with all that money at once," the boss said, with a grin. "I would let him off with it eventually, of course. Perhaps after a few days, when I've had my fill of watching him suffer."

The thought of Suigetsu raiding the petty cash and running off to the bank in a blind panic was enough to set me off. I buried my head in the boss's shoulder and snorted with laughter for a good minute or so, until Tsunade and Jiraiya, bored of Akatsuki banter, pulled their chairs over and asked what I was laughing at.

We explained, and they laughed, and when they laughed, the ex-Akatsuki and Naruto and Sakura wanted to know, so we explained again, and they laughed (except Kisame, who threatened to tell because he's related to Suigetsu in some retarded, in-bred Kirigakure way). After that, topics ranged from what dying was like (I was the focus there. Sasori was disappointed to learn that the whole experience was a huge blank and I didn't remember a thing), to other people's experiences of being injured and in hospital (in which I learned what had happened to Naruto and Sakura), and from art-fag activities (Sasori and Deidara have been commissioned to re-design the Haunted House at Joyland – what horrors await the youth of Konoha!) to the rather esoteric, yet strangely amusing topic of snake sex (that was the boss. I have no idea how he managed to crowbar that into our conversation.)

The conversation then steered its meandering way into the realm of fatherhood. Jiraiya, being the only person in the room who had reproduced, naturally took it upon himself to lead discussion, as Itachi somehow managed to make a seamless connection from infant snakes to infant children, and inquired politely as to how Jiraiya was adjusting.

"Ain't gonna lie to you, Itachi, it was hell at first," Jiraiya grumbled. "Kept waking up every five minutes with her wailing. Me and Kiku got absolutely no sleep for about three months, but once she settled down and realised that we weren't gonna have her adopted or anything, she was okay.

"It was hard again when we moved out of Oro's, cos folk there were always wanting to cook and clean for us and the dumb jobs you don't really think about got done by Oro's people. Took us a while to get back into the swing of things when we headed to Kohona, but we're getting there. Took Kylie into the office the other day, cos Kiku was studying. Little thing just sat and played in her bouncer. And when I can't take her, Teuchi or Ayame are always willing to help out. Hell, even Tsunade and Dan looked after her for a day, didn't you, Tsunade?"

Tsunade grimaced and took a generous swig from her champagne. The boss and I exchanged a surreptitious glance. Evidently, Tsunade's experience of Kylie was not dissimilar to the one the boss and I endured. Jiraiya, however, was wearing his rose-tinted fatherhood spectacles, and was convinced that everyone loved his baby daughter as much as he did.

"Have you ever regretted it?" my brother asked.

"What, keeping Kylie?" Jiraiya asked, and Itachi nodded.

"Nope. Never. Not once," was Jiraiya's unequivocal reply. "Not even when I'd had no sleep for three freaking months and was ready to kill something. Hell, not even when I realised I'd have to wipe my daughter's stinky ass when Kiku went out one night with some girls from her course and I was the only one around to change her.

"It's hard sometimes, but you've just gotta learn to roll with it, you know?" Jiraiya said with a shrug. "Kylie's my little lady. Wouldn't change her for the world."

"Stop, I may vomit," the boss said, with a smirk.

"Oi, shut up! It's your fault the only thing she'll eat now is that ridiculously expensive organic mush those robbers at Mitsukoshi are pedalling."

"Then it seems all is not lost," the boss said. "No god-daughter of mine will be brought up on Big Macs and bargain-buckets."

"You think that's bad? All I ate growing up was fishsticks," Kisame cut in, gloomily. "Seriously, that was it. Fishsticks. My mum worked in a factory, and it seemed like she was paid in the goddamn things. I would have killed for a bargain bucket."

"My uncle Oonoki put me off fishsticks for life," Deidara said. "He tried to cram one up his massive, red nose at dinner once to make my cousin laugh, and he sneezed, and when he pulled it out, there was this massive snot-string hanging off it. Disgusting."

"Ha, if you think that's bad, listen to this!" Naruto piped up, gleefully. "Remember that time Sakura-chan ate that hotdog, Sasuke? And she started choking and I had to do the Heimlich and then she coughed up this bunch of tubes and it hit Kabuto in the face and he puked?"

There was a collective intake of breath as everyone's faces contorted into approximate expressions of disgust.

"Shut up, Naruto!" Sakura hissed, blushing furiously as she pulled back her fist and gave Naruto a dead arm.

"Ow! But Sakura, it was okay in the end, right? We got those discount cards..."

Round about then, the conversation shifted to cooking, and Jiraiya and Itachi almost fell out, because Jiraiya thinks he's good at cooking and Itachi knows he's good at cooking and neither of them would back down. The two hours passed unbelievably quickly, and when bin nurse (I still don't know her real name) appeared to kick everyone out, I felt a little sad, even though I still had the boss and Itachi with me.

The ex-Akatsuki left first, having left their contact details and addresses with me (they had to give up their company housing and phones and cars, so everything is new.) Kakuzu and Hidan have flats in the same apartment block in the centre of Konoha, and Deidara and Sasori are renting a place a few streets away from where the boss used to live. It's quite near Lee's house. I'm not sure how he will take to his new neighbours. I'll need to text him and warn him not to invite them round. He was at Joyland, so I'm sure he'll remember what they're like.

When bin-nurse kindly, but firmly, insisted that the rest clear out, Naruto fixed me with a look that was so utterly hollow with despair that I almost laughed at the silliness of it all.

"Dude, I'll come visit tomorrow," he said firmly. "There's an hour in the afternoon, so I'll take it off my lunch break, and then I'll come back later tomorrow night. I'll bring you more Skittles, yeah?"

The boss snorted and rolled his eyes, but I ignored him.

"Sounds good, Naruto. I'll see you in a couple of hours, then. And I'll hold you to your Skittle promise, by the way!" I added, only half-joking. (Seriously, am I cursed for the rest of eternity to never eat a full bag of Skittles? Hidan finished off the last of them again, the greedy, fucking muncher! Just like that, all Neji's effort gone to waste.)

"I'll remind him before he gets here this time," Sakura said. "He was so excited when we arrived, he completely forgot. Jiraiya had to buy them and bring them up."

It was Naruto's turn to blush this time, as he giggled sheepishly and scratched his head.

"Yeah, sorry, dude. I'll definitely remember next time," Naruto said, as all four of them gathered up their belongings and headed for the door.

"Right, we all ready?" Jiraiya called out.

"Yeah, man. I guess we'd better roll," Naruto said. Then he turned to me and, with a wide, winning, white-toothed grin, called out, "See you tomorrow, man! Don't let your bro turn you girly while I'm gone, ya hear?"

I grinned back and waved as Naruto, Sakura, Jiraiya and Tsunade filed out into the corridor. I could hear them chattering all the way until the ward door closed behind them.

For a moment, I sat there next to the boss, revelling in the ghostly remnants of the happy atmosphere and savouring the quiet as I leant my head on the boss's shoulder and watched my brother falling asleep on his chair, his legs draped over one of the arms, stinking of booze. When I was satisfied, I said, "Well, that was nice."

"It could have been worse, I agree," the boss said, before adding, "though it was also rather interesting. I am wondering why—"

The boss stopped short, as there came a soft, hesitant knock on the door. I figured it might have been one of the younger nurses (there was no way any of the people who had just left would've knocked like that), so I called out, "Come in!"

The door opened.

It was Ayame.

My heart sank when I saw her. Honestly. She looked terrified, as though she had summoned up all the courage she possessed just to come and see me in my hospital room. The first thing she saw was me sitting up in bed, with the boss next to me, and she physically recoiled, shrinking back into the corridor, as though she suddenly thought better of it. I recalled Itachi telling me that the boss had poured all his vitriol (and his coffee) upon her down in reception a couple of days ago, when I went into my coma, and I guessed that he hadn't pulled any punches.

She looked tired too, as though she hadn't slept in months. I knew what she had been going through, and to my soul, to the very core of my being, I felt sorry for her.

"Ayame?" I ventured tentatively, not wanting to scare her off. "You can come in. You don't have creep around outside like a rapist."

She laughed, briefly – more of a nervous reflex – and she stepped inside, closing the door carefully behind her.

She stood there, her back pressed against the door, wringing her hands, and she looked at me, and I looked at her, and her eyes filled with tears.

"Oh god, Sasuke, I'm so sorry," she whispered, and then began to gabble. "I didn't mean to... I was driving back in the snow, and I had a million things on my mind, and I wasn't watching and then—"

"Hey, it's okay, don't worry about it," I said, calmly, cutting her off because she seemed like she was about to burst into tears and I didn't want to see that. It seemed like she'd been doing enough of that lately. "I'm alive, Naruto's alive, Sakura's alive and you're alive. We're all alive. Alive, alive-o." (I don't know why I tacked that on to the end. That was a stupid thing to say.)

"But you could have died!" she insisted. "You could have been really hurt—"

"He did, and he was, in case you have forgotten," the boss interrupted, coldly. "An epidural haematoma and resultant coma are not minor medical mishaps."

Ayame's eyes flickered towards the boss, then her head fell and she let out a small sob. I glared at the boss and gave him a warning nudge.

"Will you lay off just now?" I hissed. "Look at her! She's really upset. She obviously didn't mean it, so let me talk to her for a minute, okay?"

With a snort, the boss rose and stalked off to the camp bed, where he sat and glowered in the corner. Fine by me, I thought. If he wanted to go off in a bad mood, then let him. At least he'd shut up for five seconds.

"Look, don't mind him, Ayame," I said, with a conciliatory gesture. "He's out of sorts because Hidan came in and farted on his bed earlier."

The murderous look the boss sent me would have had lesser beings running for cover. I didn't care, though, for my remark had the desired effect. Ayame managed a small, strangled laugh and she seemed a little more at ease because it gave her something to talk about.

"I heard Hidan ended up here," she ventured. "After they quit, they all appeared at the restaurant, wanting special, celebratory ramen, and then they headed off to the Public Park. I didn't see what happened, but I got all the texts. How is he?"

"Himself," I said, bluntly. "They can't cure it. I'm afraid it's terminal."

Ayame laughed again, and then she sighed and fell quiet and ran a hand awkwardly through her hair.

"How are you?" she asked, eventually.

"I'm fine now," I replied. "Sore, but fine. I have bruises in really weird places and they're the worst part right now, so I'd say I'm on the road to recovery. How about you? Are you okay?"

"Bruises, Sasuke. The same as you, but nowhere near as bad."

For a brief moment, there was a lull in conversation, which I used to ponder upon how best to phrase my following question without sounding like I was hounding for gossip or knew too much. Then I said, somewhat lamely, "Is, umm... you know... _everything _all right?"

In the corner, the champagne-soaked bundle that was my brother stirred at the sound of our voices.

"Sasuke, who are you talking to?" he muttered, vaguely irritated that I should dare converse with another and interrupt his precious nap-time.

"I see you've finally managed to get some sleep, Itachi," Ayame said, with a small smile.

My brother awoke with a jerk.

"Ayame?" he said, rubbing his eyes and blinking, as though making sure he hadn't strayed into a dream.

"Hi."

After staring at her for what felt, to me, like a million, awkward years, he appeared to realise that he was indeed awake. Then, true to form, he frowned slightly and looked at his watch.

"It's past nine. What are you doing here?"

No "Hello, one of my oldest friends, how are you?" or "Nice to see you, how are things?" Only a veiled accusation of a perceived misdemeanour.

Sometimes, I think my brother can be quite rude to people. Not in the way I am, when I'm in the mind to and exert conscious thought and effort into the process, but in a more spontaneous, natural way that seems to be an unfortunate, hard-wired characteristic. Mentally, I face-palmed.

Ayame, however, knows my brother – having been friends with him for years – so she did not take offence.

"I know, Itachi. I shouldn't be here," she admitted. "I sneaked in when no one was looking. I know it's wrong, and I know Sasuke needs to get some rest, but I couldn't take it anymore. Kiku texted me to tell me that he'd woken up and I had to see how he was.

"And yes, Sasuke," she added, turning her attention back to me. "I know what you're getting at. I went for another scan this morning. _Everything_ is okay. Lucky me, eh?"

It did not sound like she thought she was lucky at all. On the camp bed, the sound of the boss scribbling on his notepad ceased, which meant he was listening, and was likely putting two and two together.

"What's your dad saying?" I asked.

"Nothing, because he doesn't know. Not yet." She sighed, and dug the heels of her hands into her eyes. "No one is supposed to know! I was staying at Jiraiya and Kiku's for a week after Christmas, and I was throwing up every morning. Kiku found the tester in the bin and got all excited. I didn't even have the time to tell her not to tell anyone – or to not get her hopes up."

"How far along are you?" the boss inquired suddenly, to my surprise – and Ayame's.

"Tw- twelve weeks, Orochimaru-sama. God, I can't believe I was so stupid. I just thought I was getting fat! I kept... I kept going to the gym..." she said, tailing off, her voice on the verge of a sob.

For a moment, I thought she was going to burst into tears, but with what appeared to take a monumental amount effort, she reined herself in, and with a bitter laugh, she added, "Maybe I should just keep going to the gym – and maybe neck a bottle of vodka and say it was an accident?"

"For goodness' sake, do not poison yourself, you stupid girl," the boss sneered. "If you are considering a termination and do not want your family finding out, all you need do is cross the border into Otogakure."

"Yeah, the boss got some laws changed, so now they do them on demand over there, and you don't even need a doctor's signature," I added. "Well, you need to sign some sort of form when you get there, but it's more of an ass-covering measure in case someone sues. If you get in touch with Kabuto, though, he could get round the red tape for you. Hell, the boss could do it for you. No one else needs to know."

"I already know about Otogakure," Ayame replied, with a sad smile. "I was doing some research online last night. I was this close to texting Kabuto..."

"Well, if it's really what needs to happen, then you could always call him. He's discreet, don't worry."

"Thanks Sasuke, and you too, Orochimaru-sama. I might do that," she said quietly.

"Just... umm... just so you know," I began, "if I ever meet the father, I'll break his legs. I'm not even joking."

Shaking her head, Ayame laughed and replied, "Don't do that. He's actually a nice guy."

"Then what the hell—?"

"It's my fault," she confessed, wringing her hands in agitation. "I ended it with him, Sasuke. It was just too much."

"Did he know you were...?"

Ayame nodded.

"Yeah, I told him. On the day after Christmas, too. Some present, eh?"

"What happened?"

"He freaked out, and I freaked out and... yeah. It was just too much. It's kind of complicated and neither of us could deal with it, so I broke it off. I was going to get rid of it and everything would have been fine if Kiku hadn't invited me to stay. Where's that bottle of vodka, huh?" she added, with a tearful laugh that sounded suspiciously like a repressed sob.

"But hey," she said, raising her hands, "I'd better go. It's no use loading you with my problems while you're lying here in hospital because of me. It was nice to see you, Sasuke, and get better. You too, Orochimaru-sama, Itachi."

She quietly opened the door and, with a furtive, subdued little wave, bade us farewell.

I watched her flit past my window like a shadow, and murder was on my mind. She looked so heart-sick and miserable and down-trodden, her strength clearly hanging by a very thin thread. I wanted to punch the guy that had done that to her.

Itachi, or so it seemed to me at the time, was working along the same lines. After Ayame left, Itachi lasted about a minute before he stood abruptly and announced: "I need to stretch my legs. Would you like anything from town, Sasuke?"

I thought I knew exactly what he was doing.

"Fine," I said. "If you're going to go chase after her and make her feel bad, at least try and get the name of the guy who knocked her up, so I can have a hit taken out on him, or something. And Haribos. I want some Haribos."

"What kind?" Itachi asked urgently, stuffing an arm into his coat, already halfway to the door.

"Goldbears."

"Fine. I will not be long."

I should have known something was going to happen when I saw him streaking past my window at a sprint. The boss, apparently, was more clued in than me, as he sat on the camp bed for a moment, looking thoughtful, before he rose and changed venue to sit on the ledge by the window.

"What are you doing?" I asked wearily. "Go back to bed. Hidan's fart particles will have gone by now."

"I am watching your brother, and I was watching him earlier when you were not," he replied. "Hush a moment. I have to concentrate. It's difficult to see..."

The view from my room window is not the loveliest of vistas. In the morning, when the nurses come in to hand me my oral painkillers and check my blood-pressure, they throw the curtains wide and I am greeted with the lovely view of Konoha General's short-stay car park: stain on the land by day, and a mugger's paradise by night. The recent snowfalls have improved it somewhat, but it's the natural equivalent of chucking a throw over a mildewed old sofa – temporarily disguising the ever-present ugliness lurking underneath. Outside, it was still snowing, the gentle fall swirling past the window, lit in an eerie orange glow by the streetlights. It was pretty empty, because most of the visitors had gone. Not the best view, but excellent for spying.

The boss pressed his face against the window, but was unhappy with the reflection of my room in the window, so he got up and turned the light out. I protested, saying I wouldn't be able to see what I was typing, as I had turned on my laptop by then, thinking I'd write down what Hidan had been up to earlier on, but he shushed me.

"There, that's much better. If she's parked here, she should be along any second now... Aha. Yes. There she is. It looks like she has borrowed someone else's car. Kiku's or Jiraiya's, most likely..."

"What colour is it?"

"A dark colour. Blue or black."

"It's Jiraiya's then. Kiku's car is pink and Teuchi-san's got the red Ichiraku Ramen van."

"If your brother doesn't hurry up, he's going to miss— Ah. There he is. Right on time, charging across the car park like a lunatic."

I sighed. "I don't know what he thinks is going to happen. Hopefully, he'll get some names and he'll be angry enough that I won't even have to fork out for a hit."

"Oh, it seems she has noticed your brother," the boss went on, with an odd smile.

"What's happening? Has she punched him yet?"

"No, but she is not happy. There appears to be a lot of shouting and arm-waving going on, and— Oh, she has stopped. It appears your wonderful brother has broken her already. That didn't take long."

"What? What do you mean 'broken her'? What's going on?"

"She has collapsed in the snow and appears to be weeping. What a shame," the boss went on casually, completely uncaring.

I let out a small moan, ruing by brother's lack of tact. "Fucking hell, Itachi..." I complained. "What is the matter with you?"

"But... oh my," the boss began, drawing back from the window a little, with a vague smile. "Oh my... How interesting. How very, very interesting..."

"Oh my god, what is interesting?" I snapped, becoming irritated with both the situation and that I was stuck here in bed, unable to see what was going on.

"Your brother has just knelt in the snow, has wrapped his arms around her and is, at present, kissing her."

When the boss uttered those immortal words, my brain died and all cogent thought rushed from my mind. For a moment, I actually could not take it in. I thought he was lying, or trying to get me back for pretending I was going to race earlier on, or for telling Ayame about Hidan, or for any number of idiotic shit I have pulled on him during the time we've been together.

"CRUTCHES! CRUTCHES, RIGHT NOW!" I demanded angrily, already tugging at my drip and trying to swing my legs out of bed.

Seeing that I was determined to make it over to the window or injure myself in the attempt, the boss swept over, deftly removed my drip, handed me my crutches and escorted me to the window, where I sat on the ledge and the boss stood, peering over my shoulder.

I pressed my nose against the glass, and sure enough. There were my brother and Ayame, wrapped in a tight embrace and kissing in the snow as if their lives depended on it.

For a while, because I was too shocked to do anything, I just sat there and watched.

Then I heard the boss say, over my shoulder, "Sasuke-kun, I have a theory."

"Hmm?"

"Ayame's child is Itachi's."

"I think that's a pretty good theory," I said absently, as I watched my brother help Ayame up before they resumed their car-park kissing marathon.

"Did you know anything about this?"

"No. Not a thing," I said, truthfully. Then, with a stab of realisation, I remember what Ayame had said earlier. "Shit..." I whispered. "She said she told him the day after Christmas. Itachi told us he was going out for milk, the lying bastard!"

"What?"

"We were at Itachi's, you were upstairs sleeping off all your stupid, and I went downstairs for a coffee, thinking I'd tell him we were back together – but he wasn't there! Deidara and Sasori said he'd gone out to get milk. He was gone for hours, and then he came back in a horrific mood. Ayame must have told him and then dumped him."

"Yes, I suppose he was in a 'horrific mood'," the boss replied, waspishly. "He pointed a gun at me later on..."

At that point, my brain really did have a mini-crisis, as it was round about then I began to re-think everything I had ever known about my brother and Ayame. But there was something important I had to do first, and it had to be done before Itachi came back.

"Could you do me a favour?" I asked suddenly.

"Hmm? What is it?"

"Could you go down to the gift-shop and purchase a unisex, plush toy for me?" I urged, hobbling back to bed because I felt like I'd faint if I didn't. "It has to be with my money, so don't use your card or anything. My bag's down there under that chair. There might be some cash in it. If there isn't I'll tell you my PIN."

The boss rummaged around in my rucksack and, lo and behold, there was cash.

"Brilliant," I said. "Thank you. Really. I have to do this. I cannot be beaten by anyone else – including Itachi."

"A plush, unisex toy?" the boss repeated, shaking his head amusedly. "Very well, Sasuke-kun. I shan't be long. If your brother reappears before I do, tell him his technique is wanting."

And the boss swept off, leaving me on my own to ponder upon this reality-twisting turn of events. A number of emotions were seething within, vying for dominance. I felt guilty because I realised, with a sickening lurch, that perhaps I didn't know my brother as well as I thought, and that I had based all of my opinions on his secrets and lies and therefore judged him incapable of love and being loved in return. I felt angry because he had let me judge him so, and continued to feed me lies. I felt sad because he, for some reason, felt that he had to lie to me. I was angry, again, because his elaborate web of deceit had caused Ayame so much pain, and I was sad for him because he had obviously been through the wringer too.

Why couldn't he tell me about Ayame? Why? More than anything, that bugged me. The first time my brother met Ayame, I knew, was at their first day of the Academy. Teuchi-san was nowhere near as wealthy as some of the kids' parents who went there, but he _does_ own a successful restaurant, therefore he was able to save wisely and could afford the fees which allowed his two daughters to attend. I didn't seriously believe that they had gotten together when they were five, though, and I was wondering when, exactly, it had happened.

I figured it must have been when they were about fourteen, fifteen, when the Academy coursework load increased exponentially and when extra-curricular study groups began to pop out of the ground like snowdrops in spring. Sometimes, Shisui would have been there, sometimes a whole group of them, but now that I look back on it with fresh eyes unclouded by Itachi's lying, fucking bullshit, I recall there were a fair few occasions when only Ayame managed to make it, and they spent hours locked away in his room, while Naruto, Sakura and I played Nintendo next door.

Study group. Study group, my ass! The only thing Itachi was studying back then was Ayame's boobs!

By the time my brother appeared through the door, soaked to the skin, red-nosed and slightly out of breath, I had worked myself up into a irritable, bundle of stress, and I folded my arms and observed him coldly as he removed his snow-sodden jacket.

"Where are my Haribos?" I demanded, knowing that he would lie to me, which only made me angrier.

"Oh," Itachi said, patting his pockets and realising he had screwed up. "Forgive me, Sasuke. I shall get them right now—"

"No. Stay," I said. "The boss is away for them. He'll be back in a minute. So, what did you two talk about?"

"Nothing really," Itachi lied. "We did not say much."

"Oh, I see. Too busy kissing?" I said, dropping the bomb.

Itachi's eyes widened and he froze, absolutely still, staring at me in shock, knowing that he had been caught but seeming unsure what to do about it. I stared back accusingly, arms folded, unblinking and unyielding. When the door handle rattled a second later, my brother flinched, and the boss breezed in, tossing a fuzzy, grey bundle in my direction.

"A grey elephant, Sasuke-kun," he announced, throwing himself onto the camp bed. "I am afraid that is all there was. Everything else was either pink or blue. Oh hello, Itachi," he added, serenely. "Nice of you to join us again. Did you have fun in the car park?"

"Ignore him, and listen to me," I demanded, fixing my brother with a severe look as I grabbed the elephant and removed the plastic tag.

"See this?" I went on, pointing aggressively at the stuffed toy. "This is a present: a present from uncle Sasuke. It's grey because I don't know if it's a girl or a boy or a fucking alien right now, but all I know is that I'm not going to be beaten to getting your kid its first present – not by you, and certainly not by anyone from Ayame's side of the family. If Jiraiya has already jumped in there, I will actually murder him."

"No... he has not bought anything," Itachi murmured, still in shock.

"So I'm the first?"

Itachi nodded slowly.

"Excellent," I said briskly. "So when did this all happen?" I asked accusingly.

"What do you mean?"

"What do you mean, _'What do I mean?'_" I said, outraged. "Everything! All this fucking mess! You, Ayame, your goddamned surprise _child_—"

I was working myself up into a frenzy, so it was understandable when Itachi raised his hands in a conciliatory gesture and said, "Please calm down, Sasuke. If you calm down, I will tell you."

"Yeah, you'd better," I said, glowering darkly. "otherwise you're not getting Tusks here. So come on then, spill it. When did you guys get together?"

Itachi sighed deeply, then said, "We were fourteen and we were walking back from the Academy. On the way to our study group, we decided to take a shortcut through the woods. Shisui was ill that day, so it was the two of us. It was warm and sunny and Ayame wanted to take off her shoes and paddle in the lake. I tried to tell her not to, that the stones were slippery with pond-weed, but she didn't listen. She fell. I waded in to help her out and I realised right then and there that I loved her. I told her when we were walking back up to the house. She thought about it for a while, and, eventually, came to the conclusion that my being in love with her might not be a bad thing and asked if I wanted to kiss her."

"Study groups," I said bluntly, shaking my head. "I knew it... I _knew_ it! You guys weren't studying anything at all! While I was in the next room, playing and doing innocent kid stuff, you guys were locked away in your room... _doing _stuff!"

"To be fair, Sasuke, most of the time we truly were studying," my brother said, a shade defensively.

"Give me a percentage," I demanded.

"About seventy percent of the time," was the figure my brother offered.

"And the other thirty percent of the time, you were fumbling under the duvet," I said, wrinkling my nose in distaste.

"I am sorry to disappoint you, but I am afraid we were well past fumbling, Sasuke," Itachi corrected, with a ghost of a smile. "And that would have been about twenty percent of the time. The remaining ten percent was spent in the kitchen making sandwiches."

Aghast, I stared at my brother, open-mouthed, while Itachi sat there, amused at my horrified reaction to his confession that he had lost his virginity at the tender age of fourteen.

"Oh my god, you were fourteen," I stated, baldly. "That is disgusting."

"Jiraiya was thirteen," Itachi countered.

"Yeah, but that's Jiraiya! And I wasn't in the next room playing Mario Kart when it was happening!"

"I do recall Naruto was round the day Ayame and I slept together for the first time," Itachi mused. "He was very excited and kept shouting. It was rather awkward."

"Itachi," I said quickly, closing my eyes and raising a hand, "shut up. That is gross. I never want to hear about that again, do you understand me?"

With a smile, Itachi shrugged and said, "Very well, Sasuke."

"So, have you kept this up all this time?" I asked. "Since you guys were fourteen?"

At that point, my brother's expression darkened a little. "We managed to stay together until I went to university. That was something of a sticking point. Ayame, clever as she is, wished to follow her father into hospitality. I would have liked to join her, but I was obliged to do otherwise."

"Uncle Madara," I said, with a sudden realisation.

Itachi nodded. "Ayame couldn't understand why I did not want to follow my dream. She accused me of snobbery, saying that I thought she was wasting her life for wanting to cook for a living, that I was too good to waste my talents on spinning sugar and decorating pastry. I was angry that she thought that of me, and we parted ways. University was a miserable drudge and I never entertained the affections of anyone else. I got through it, though, having satisfied our uncle's stringent criterion for success. I met her again at Ichiraku ramen after I graduated, and I learned that she, too, had not seen anyone since.

"I saw her secretly later on that evening, confessed to her that I missed her and that I loved her still. She shared my feelings, and so, even though she knew I was about to move away to River Country to start work for Madara, she agreed to resume our relationship.

"It has always been difficult," my brother went on, with a rueful smile, "but you and Ayame have been small lights in my dreary and dismal existence. Without you, I don't know what I would have done."

"So why have you put her through all this secrecy crap?" I demanded. "She obviously loves you and thinks you're great, so why not just marry her or something? You've been together so long it probably won't even make a difference."

"I cannot," Itachi intoned. "Believe me, Sasuke, there is nothing I have ever wanted more than to marry Ayame and have a family, but I cannot. I do not deserve it, and I do not want Madara anywhere near her."

"Does she know about him?"

"She knows that he cannot find out. That is all."

I sighed and felt my head fall into my hands. My staples were throbbing. Yet again, I had hit that wall. Madara...

"So what are you going to do about this kid?" I stated plainly. "Considering all the shit she's been through for you, I think she'd be pretty cut up if she had to get rid of it."

"I do not know, Sasuke," my brother said frankly. "I am terrified. I do not know how to be a father, and I do not even know if I will be able to."

"Utter crap," I snapped. "Itachi, you're brilliant at everything you do. When you were looking after me when we were kids, you were pretty damned good. You were up and made sure I was washed and dressed in the morning, then you walked me to school. You cooked and you cleaned and you even made my dinner and read me stories before I went to bed. You can definitely do all the parent stuff. And you've quit now, so you can marry Ayame and have kids and stuff. Can't you?"

His only reply was a mysterious smile.

"May I have the elephant now, Sasuke?" Itachi asked quietly, signalling that our conversation was at an end. That Madara wall. I gritted my teeth and pretended to be happy.

"Here," I said, tossing the thing over to him. "I guess you've earned it."

Catching it, Itachi turned it over in his hands and smiled. "Its name is Tusks?" he asked.

"I guess. I wasn't really thinking about it, but I suppose that's quite a cool name."

"I like it," he said, then asked, "Do you still want those Goldbears?"

"If you wouldn't mind," I sniffed. "I _have_ been waiting ages..."

Fixing me with an exasperated look, Itachi shook his head and headed for the door.

"I will be back in five minutes," he called out, at the threshold. "Do you want Skittles too?"

"Nah, you'd better not," I said. "That's Naruto's job. He'll go berserk if he finds out someone has beaten him to it."

"Very well. I shall be back momentarily. Look after him, Orochimaru."

The boss made a face at Itachi when my brother strode past the window.

"Look after him," he muttered darkly. "As if I have not been doing so for the past four days..."

"You have been doing a good job," I admitted, more to cheer him up than anything else. "A little bit on the creepily omnipresent side, but that's okay. It's nice to have someone who can detach the drip when I'm not needing it. But umm... speaking of..." I said, as my head really had begun to throb.

The boss was there in a trice.

"Thanks," I said, gratefully, as I offered my arm. "I think I'm going to try and get through the night without any morphine. It gives me some really weird dreams. Is that okay?"

"I can't see any harm in it, though if the pain does become severe, I do not want you overdosing on opiates. Would you like me to request oral painkillers?" he asked.

"Yeah, that would be great," I said.

"Then I will be back in a moment," the boss said, kissing my beanie again. "Do not move from this bed, do not walk, do not go anywhere, do you hear me?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," I said, rolling my eyes, even though I was not intending to do anything of the sort.

The boss and Itachi reappeared at exactly the same time, one bearing Goldbears and the other strong painkillers. I'm lying in bed now, typing this up, feeling strange but happy and slightly drug-numbed. The boss is reading a book on his camp-bed, quite content after the replacement blankets arrived, and my brother has passed out and is sleeping soundly on his chair, after having exchanged a long series of texts with Ayame which I was not permitted to read.

I have the funniest feeling that Ayame is not going to call Kabuto anytime soon. Tusks has put paid to that. I caught Itachi taking a photo of it with his phone, so he has probably sent it to Ayame.

I cannot believe he is going to be a dad.

I cannot believe I'm am going to be an uncle Sasuke.

Actually, I cannot believe this is happening in general. I'm still slightly in shock.

It's weird. I don't even know if I like it. I never thought I'd be anyone's uncle. It makes me feel old. Maybe I'll just let the kid call me Sasuke. I can be one of those cool uncles that only shows up every so often, but buys loads of excellent presents to make up for my absence. I wonder if it'll be a girl or a boy? I kind of secretly hope it's a boy. I wouldn't know what to buy for a girl. What do little girls even like, anyway? Barbies and nail-polish?

Seriously, I really hope it's not a girl. If it is, though, I'll have to be happy and pretend that's okay because I don't think Itachi would approve if I asked for an exchange.

I wonder if Ayame knows? She said she went for a scan this morning, so they will have given her one of those strange, blurry, ultrasound photos where every baby looks exactly the same: like a transparent, alien potato. I asked the boss, and he informed me that sometimes, if it's a boy, and it's at the right angle, you can make out its tiny wang.

Please, god – let there be a wang. I need wang!

LATER:

Do not read too much into that. I do not _need_ wang. I sometimes want wang, but that is not the same as needing it – and certainly not my potential alien potato nephew's! (I am convinced it is a boy. If it's not, I will be terribly disappointed.)

Right now, what I really want and need is not wang, but sleep, so I'm going to take the last of the pills the boss brought me. Hopefully, I won't have any wang-related nightmares.

Until tomorrow!

* * *

AN: Long time, no see! Sorry about the wait. After having written about Sasuke being injured and put through so much unrelenting crap, it seemed like life thought, "Okay, that's grand, but it's your turn now." I managed to injure myself and couldn't use my dominant hand for ages. It works again now, though, and to celebrate, I thought I'd update this. If you're wondering what the hell happened to me, I might make the LJ post public for a bit. It's easier than explaining. Also, the manga has magically become awesome lately, so inspiration came drifting in from that front too. If you've dropped it, you should maybe give it another whirl. Three big battles are about to go down just now, and I'm nail-biting at one in particular. If you're following the manga, you'll probably know which one I'm talking about.

**Tempus Frangit** Squeaks of joy are always welcome. :) If the last chapter gave you warm fuzzies, I wonder what this one has done? Itachi the good, older brother abounds in this one - as do the awesome Akatsuki! (I think I'm starting to like Hidan and Kakuzu. They are such awful bastards, haha.)

**Gerkyhen** I don't blame you for dropping dead when I updated last. It was a shock even to me! I'm glad I haven't lost my writing knack. There were a couple of places where Sasuke and some other characters were a bit OOC (for this AU), but I think I know where I went wrong. When I go back and do the Big Edit I'm planning to do, that'll be sorted. I'm glad someone else is emotionally invested in this. It makes me feel less alone, lol.

**Akira Nishikawa** Thank you! I hope you weren't too pissed off at the other long wait. At least I had an excuse this time, haha.

**Ashtray'Heart**I agree with you about the anime. I stopped watching after the second bout of Shippuuden fillers (the first lot, with the kid, Gurren and the Sanbi were surprisingly good for what they were.) The manga has picked up, though, and I've been following it avidly, lurking around NF on Spoiler Wednesdays like an addict, needing my fan-crack, lol. And I'd never forget this story. No matter what I'm doing, it's always there at the back of my mind. :)

**NaruGuru** Itachi is so sweet, right? I'm so glad I never bought his act before the big reveal in the manga, haha. I always kind of sensed that something wasn't quite as it seemed with him. And the reason Hidan took ages to get to hospital was because Akatsuki were hoping they could wait it out in the hotel, but when Hidan wouldn't stop bleeding, they made a group decision and decided that maybe they should take him to A&E. Then they waited four hours to be seen, haha. Hidan ruins every party he goes to.

**Nananki Lioness** Wow! You read this monster fic in a whole day? That is actually good going, lol. I tried to re-read it during a weekend (just to refresh myself on exactly what I had written on certain points) and only got to round the twenties before I had to have a lie down. And I'm definitely not going to abandon this. ADitL is always on my mind, even if other things occasionally have to take priority.

**NayanRoo** I keep stuff on my alerts forever too. I kind of miss Shadowplay. If you don't plan on finishing it, could you maybe, someday, send me a PM to tell me how the story plays out? I love it so hard. But if you've only switched fandoms for a bit, I'll just wait. Kakuzu, in this fic, for some reason loves to recount sordid goings-on. His voice is quite clear in my mind (really different from canon Kakuzu). It's kind of like Jiraiya's but more aggressive. I love playing with register too. It's one of my favourite things about writing, switching from more formal, like Itachi and Oro, to more casual, like Deidara and Hidan.

**Sekai-Kage** Don't worry. I will never abandon this fic. It just might take me ages to finish it, lol. I may need to find a way to become immortal, lol.

**Roxanne-Morinaka** Yup, I'm back. We'll see if my uni work will fuck off and die and let me write fun things again. Oro's tantrums are totally the best - in the manga and in this.

**Glitterthorn** Haha, I'm so glad the arrival of my chapter caused you to OMGWTF and scare your mum, lol. That has got to be a good sign, right? And the Akatsuki guys really did have to quit. Even though they may be gone in the manga, in this universe, they're having a riot and living their dreams: art, art, religion and cold, hard cash. They totally deserve it.

**XxsupersweetsealedwithakissxX** Hello! I shall return the glomp. (GLOMP!) And thank you for your compliments too. I blush a deep and furious red. To be honest, it's a dream of mine to be published. When I've finished this, I have an original idea I'd quite like to run with. But, of course, I will keep writing fanfic on the side. It's totally the future. Some people I know don't even read printed books - only online fanfiction - and it is an excellent way to practise until you become more confident in your abilities. You should post some stuff. :) If you're not that confident about it, run it past a good beta first. I don't know any in the Naruto fandom, but you could always search around on the ff dot net forums.

**Insomniac Owl** I cannot remember exactly, either, which is shameful. I think it might have been something to do with one of your reviews being a certain number? I'm kind of arbitrary like that. And you are totally right about Sasuke, Itachi and Oro being out of character at certain moments. Having read forty-two over again, I'm pretty sure I know exactly when those moments are, so when I go ahead with the Big Edit I have planned, that will be sorted. I'm not sure exactly how many chapters left, but I know what's going to happen and when those things need to happen. Madara has screwed with the ending a few times, and I've toyed with killing him off, not killing him off, and lots of other measures in between, but I've finally decided on an ending. :)

**Dragon77** Thank you! This update wasn't really that soon after the last one, but hey, at least it's still going? :P

**Turtle Kid the Woolgatherer** First, that is an awesome screen name you have there. Just needed to get that out. And that was handy that you remembered what had gone on before chapter forty-two. It would have taken you ages to re-read through 'til then. I tried to do that not long ago, and I only got to around chapter twenty or so, before I needed a break. XD

**Bri** Yay! It makes me so happy when I see that the same folk who have stuck with me since the beginning are still here. You people really do have the patience of saints. :) Hidan is a proper, hardcore, dyed-in-the-wool moron. He's so funny to write, but I am convinced that there is something mentally wrong with him. And there is definitely a reason why Itach is being nicer to Oro. It hasn't been discussed yet, but it will be in the coming chapters. Itachi witnessed something that Sasuke wasn't privy to when he was unconscious, and Oro didn't realise Itachi was watching. That's all I'm giving away just now. :)

**p y r otechnic - - ROYAL (aka Ari)** Game of Thrones! So many people are talking about that. Should I watch it? I also see you've been pretty active in the Fairy Tail fandom. Maybe I should give that a go too? What are the characters like? Are they as charismatic as Naruto and Sasuke? And I agree with you about Bleach. It did turn totally lame. I stopped reading and watching ages ago. THE HEART. What the actual fuck? XD

**alloysius** Oro is all about internet subcultures. Well, he wasn't until he met Kabuto. Then he was schooled in the ways of the internet and hasn't looked back since. I like to think he has profiles on message boards and occasionally trolls when he has some free time. XD

**Reginleifthevalkyrie** This thing is definitely epic, in the old sense of the word, when it implied LONG ASS, haha. There is a bit more before the end. Another 'arc' actually. It's Madara's fault. He had to go and mess with everything.

**Taichi09** Haha, I don't think you were alone in being shocked and wtf!sadface when Oro slept with Kimi. I think quite a few people were traumatised by that moment. XD And don't worry if it seems I haven't updated in a million years. I am definitely keeping this story going. It's always in the back of my mind, no matter what else is going on, so it will be finished one day - even if you're retired and in a care home by the time it gets there, lol. Maybe you could tell your grand-kids about how you were there when that OroSasu fic was started. XD

**kacheep** Lol, Oro is all about the internet. He loves it.

**Lia** First-time reviewers are always most welcome. Thanks for coming out of lurk-dom to let me know you like this big, cracky, sarcastic monster of a fic, lol.

**Narue-Nara-chan** Wow, that is the most complex reaction I have ever had to anything I have ever written! XD I'm glad you like it, but I am concerned that your liking it has sent you over the edge, lol. I hope you haven't had any unwelcome epiphanies and been sectioned as a result. Regarding pairings, I'm afraid I'm pretty free and easy when it comes to them. I have no real OTPs (except maybe AU OroSasu), so my writing always reflects that. I'm not sure whether you will have liked this chapter, what with the Itachi/Ayame development, but I am UNREPENTANT! I have been setting up that damned relationship for so long now that it's brilliant to finally have it out in the open, lol. Also, to explain the Sasuke Sue comment, yeah, you're right. He seems like he can do no wrong because the whole story is run through a Sasuke filter. It's his diary (and he is very arrogant - here and in canon) so he's not going to be able to see how other people see him. Occasionally, he catches glimpses of what other people think of him, and it usually doesn't sit well with him, so he ignores it most of the time. XD

**M1nks** Thanks for the bunch of reviews. I love seeing those kinds: the short and sweet ones where folk are clearly reading as they go and being all LOL or WTF? as random things happen. I loved writing Itachi in overprotective cock-blocking brother mode. That was one of the most fun times I had writing the early stuff. I actually made myself laugh sometimes...

**DragonRider-Xankira** Oh, thank you! I blush a deep and furious red. Sasuke's strops are so much fun to write (as are Oro's - no one does a strop like Oro.) And the lack of tact. Yup. A lot of the characters here need to learn that they are not the centre of the universe. I guess old habits die hard, especially with Oro and Sasuke. XD


End file.
